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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
PPD/PPA says
Anyone have experience taking medication for PPD/PPA while nursing? I’m about 14 weeks pp and I’ve been seeing a therapist (who doesn’t have a lot of experience with PPD unfortunately) who has suggested medication could be very helpful. Just wondering where to even start. I’m also concerned about side effects – particularly weight gain since body image stuff is a big part of my anxiety. I’d be so grateful for any insight anyone might be able to share.
Anonymous says
If you’re concerned about the impact of medication on the baby that’s a q you can ask your pediatrician or OB/GYN about. Most anxiety meds are very commonly used so they should know enough to advise you. I encourage you to sit with the idea that if you are mentally healthy, you might not have so much anxiety about your weight.
Leatty says
I was on Lexapro during my last pregnancy and the entire time I was nursing. My OB and my daughter’s pediatrician had no concerns.
Pogo says
+1 same.
Anon says
I’d ask the ped, but in my experiences peds will just tell you not to take it (or not to nurse) unless the medicine is something incredibly common like Tylenol or proven safe, which very few are. I was prescribed a medicine that’s actually been studied quite extensively in nursing mothers, with no cause for concern, and my ped was still skeptical. I continued nursing anyway, based on advice from the specialist who prescribed it and InfantRisk.
Anon says
took sertraline (zoloft) my whole pregnancy and while nursing. i talked with my own psychiatrist, ob and two pediatricians and felt very comfortable with my decision
2 Cents says
I’m on Prozac and have been since 6 months postpartum. I have friends who were on Zoloft. I haven’t noticed anything in my baby. Good luck
Anonymous says
I took zoloft, although I didn’t start back on it until son was 12 months (still nursing but not as much). My therapist was kind of discouraging it before then and in hindsight I really regret not going back on it sooner. I had taken it on and off before becoming pregnant during episodes of depression. My psychiatrist recommended this Mass General/Harvard website for research and info: https://womensmentalhealth.org/specialty-clinics/breastfeeding-and-psychiatric-medication/
Anonymous says
PS – I’ve never had any issue with weight gain with Zoloft (or really any SSRI I’ve taken).
Anonymous says
You can look on KellyMom to see if there’s anything about the particular medication.
Lana Del Raygun says
I don’t know about meds specifically, but KellyMom is often out of date and it’s pretty loosey-goosey about some things (like alcohol) compared to recommendations. I get that she’s trying to encourage breastfeeding, but I would definitely look at InfantRisk instead.
Anon says
Yeah KellyMom is pretty woo and not very scientific. I would not trust that over a doctor’s opinion.
Anonymous says
But the website can link to actual studies/official resources for medicine. As always though….ask a doctor.
Lana Del Raygun says
That doesn’t help if the link is to something that’s been superseded, and there’s no way to tell. And you can’t always tell if the study she’s citing is actually good in the first place, like with the Emily Oster/drinking while pregnant thing.
Anonymous says
I won’t be nursing, but I’m 22 weeks pregnant and just started a probably long overdue relationship with Zoloft. Weight is also a thing for me, and my psych specifically mentioned that little or no weight gain is typically associated with this drug. I was comfortable with the breadth of research for Zoloft to decide that the benefit of a more stable mom outweighs any small potential detriment to my hatching son.
anon says
Yep, took Zoloft and it did wonders for me. No issues with weight gain.
AnonLaywer says
I’m not on that stage yet but I’m on Lexapro and have talked about it with a reproductive psychiatrist (who I highly recommend looking into for peace of mind). She had zero concerns about breastfeeding while on it. Also, I was told it’s weight neutral and I did not gain any weight when starting it.
OP says
Thanks, all. I really appreciate it. Sadly, I’m kind of stunned by how difficult it is to find help for these issues – it seems everyone in my (major) city who specializes in this doesn’t take insurance, isn’t taking new patients and/or charges $600 for your first visit. I kind of can’t believe it given the level of attention maternal health has gotten in the last few years. It breaks my heart for women with less support/education/resources who are in need of the same services. :(
Clementine says
School lunches in a totally nut free (including trace amounts, as are apparently found in every single granola bar on the planet) environment.
So far, my kid eats sunflower seed butter sandwiches and cheese sandwiches as a main, but because he generally eats the most at lunch, I try to pack a variety of things for him.
The goal is to get a few more ideas for sides that pack easily, don’t have a ton of sugar, are nut free, and he will eat. Right now, everything is very cheese-centric because I feel like everything else has nuts. Any other suggestions? He does eat fruit – do I just pack him 2 fruits and a sandwich?
Anonymous says
Turkey sandwich. Chicken salad. Ham and cheese roll up in a wrap. Veggies and hummus or ranch or green goddess. Hard boiled egg. Yogurt.
GCA says
I’m partial to hummus and bean dip. If you need processed-snack options (because real life), look at the Enjoy Life and Made Good snack brands – they’re free of major allergens, including nuts, dairy and soy. I relied heavily on Enjoy Life for a few months when I had to go dairy- and soy-free while nursing.
ElisaR says
+1 on the Made Good brand. My boy loves those granola bars in the purple box. And supposedly hey have “nutrients from vegetables” whatever that means but I’ll take it because we don’t do well with veggies!
I also try to avoid too much cheese bc he would eat only that if given the opportunity.
-raisins
-pretzels
-crackers
-yogurt
-grapes, blueberries, banana (those are all he will eat)
-applesauce (in pouch or we put it in a container from a giant jar)
-refried beans (my 21 mo old’s fav)
-hummus (just straight w/ a spoon)
Anonymous says
Can you do soups or stews in an insulated Thermos? Something like chili should fill him up.
Are you avoiding meat for a reason?
Clementine says
No, we do eat meat and I’m pretty good on mains. It’s the sides – after reading labels, today I sent him with cheese crackers, a cheese stick, and fruit. Just… lots of cheese.
Anonymous says
Ok so crackers without cheese, stop sending cheese sandwiches if you need to use cheese as a side, tuna salad, avocado slices?
Anonymous says
I have to do nut-free to accommodate school plus dairy/egg free for my own kid’s allergies. My twins started kindergarten this year and some snacks I use for their bento boxes are Made Good bars, grapes, baby carrots, clementines (peeled but not sectioned), bananas, yellow pepper and cucumber slices, cubes of cheese, mini-muffins (I bake a big batch once a month), crackers, raisins, yogurt, cereal (e.g. corn squares, cherrios, shreddies), pretezels, popcorn, cherry tomatoes.
Did school say that you can’t send anything that says ‘may contain’? That’s a bit unusual.
Anonymous says
Cheese cubes are for the twin w/o the dairy allergy in case that was confusing.
Clementine says
Thank you! This is a great list.
And yes, they actually wrote in the documentation from the school that ‘may contain’ or ‘trace’ are not acceptable.
Anonymous says
Popcorn, if he’s old enough. Homemade Chex Mix with no nuts. Single-serve cups of guacamole. Yogurt. Cottage cheese.
avocado says
Any of the “healthy muffin” recipes from Cookie and Kate. My family likes the pumpkin variety best. If you look at all the recipes, some of them have a longer cooking time at a lower temperature and some have a shorter cooking time at a higher temperature. The texture and moisture level come out better with the lower temperature and longer cooking time.
AwayEmily says
+1 to healthy muffins. They freeze well too. Also “toddler egg muffins” (aka egg plus veggie in mini muffin cups).
Vegetables: Carrot sticks, cucumbers, pepper strips, shelled edamame (and if he doesn’t like them, maybe worth continuing to pack them in case he changes his mind? My kids are weirdly mercurial about what veggies they will eat in a given week).
Anon says
We are nut-free too and try to pack the calories in at lunch since that’s the biggest meal time for our kids even though they only have 20 min to eat. Sides include a ton of fruits and veggies (baby bell peppers and hummus are one of the faves), hard boiled eggs, babybell cheese, frozen pancakes in strips, quinoa, rice cakes spread with sunbutter, pretzels, goldfish, jello with fruit in it, and the ham and cheese whole wheat muffins from weelicious (mini-muffin size – these are easy to make ahead and freeze, they’ll thaw by lunchtime).
Anonymous says
If you do want to do granola bars, whole foods sells a brand (Made Good) that advertises itself as “school safe” – “peanut and tree nut free”.
For other ideas, my kid likes fruit leather and dried seaweed.
Anonymous says
I try to do a protein, carb/starch, fruit, and veg. Carbs are often leftover pasta with butter and cheese (son will eat everything cold), toast with butter, or leftover pancake. Proteins are often meatballs, egg, chicken, or turkey pepperoni. Fruits – apple, grapes, pineapple, banana rings, applesauce. Vegetables he doesn’t usually eat, but hope springs eternal – frozen peas or corn.
Anonymous says
Can you send home-made baked goods (and do you have time to make them?) I’ll make a big batch of banana/oatmeal/blueberry muffins that also have whole milk yogurt in them and stick one in my preschooler’s lunch box.
We go the bento box route and try to include fat, protein, carb, fruit, and vegetables each day. We use cheese a for protein a lot, but also meatballs and chicken nuggets, which you should be able to find nut-free. Also yogurt, hummus, canned beans. My kids will eat some fresh vegetables (peppers, tomatoes, carrots) but we often stick in frozen peas or broccoli.
Clementine says
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU.
I totally froze this weekend – normally I’m pretty creative, but I was reading all the labels in the grocery store this weekend and my kid is asking for his favorites to bring for lunch and I’m realizing that even the lemon cookie thins he likes (right??) have ‘trace’ on the label. He LOVES cheese, but I do try and keep it from being the only thing in his diet.
For lunch box items, I really felt like my nut free choices were sugar or cheese. You all have provided some great ideas (veggies with some hummus!) and I am so appreciative.
Pogo says
I’m going to save this list as well – my kiddo also eats a steady rotation of cheese sandwich or pbj (he can have pb at his daycare). Just know that you’re not alone – the struggle is real to send protein w/ picky kids, forget the nut restrictions!
Anonymous says
We had the same in preschool- no nuts, no coconut, nothing processed in a facility where nuts are processed.
Nutrigrain brand bars are fine. If your school is ok with coconut, some kids cliff bars are fine. The chocolate Fiber one bars are fine (no other flavor though). Pirate booty is fine. Oreos and most fruit snacks for desert.
We generally do raisen bread and cream cheese as a PB&J replacement- my kids won’t touch sunbutter. Otherwise, lunchmeat roll ups and cheese, veggies and hummus, fruit, etc.
Anonymous says
OMG! Raisin bread and cream cheese! I loved that as a kid but I’ve never given it to my kids. Will definitely try that this week for lunches.
Anonymous says
As a mom of a kid with a nut allergy – I just wanted to say thank you for being so diligent re: what you are sending in with your kids. It really can be a life or death issue for our kids. So thank you, thank you, thank you for following this so closely. It means so much to the food allergy parents and our kids.
Anon. says
+1,000,000
Cb says
Thanks everyone for the long car journey recs. We survived, 800 miles round trip. We timed our journeys for a bit after naptime, so had about 1.5 hours play, around 2 for naps, a stop after the nap, and then Netflix on the ipad. He fussed for maybe 20 minutes each way. It was a really tough journey, physically and emotionally, and we are all feeling a bit ragged but also very glad we did it. I figured out guided access on the ipad and that was crucial.
Pogo says
yes!!! The guided access is CRITICAL. Glad you made it and thinking of your family.
lsw says
Was thinking of you this weekend as we cracked open a new WaterWow for a brief road trip. Glad it went well and hope your husband had a nice visit with his sister.
Choosing not to breastfeed. says
Tell me about your decision NOT to breastfeed. I’m not talking about because it didn’t work for your child, or because you had a health issue. I b’fed my first for a few months, and am thinking I may just do formula from day one with this second. I just… didn’t like it the first time around. I’ve read Emily Oster and everything else I can get my hands on and am fairly confident in the medical choice not to, but would really appreciate anecdotes. I literally know ZERO other people to have made this choice. Thanks.
Anonymous says
I have an only child, but if I’d had another I would have gone the formula route. The loss of bodily autonomy and individual dignity was too much for me.
I was surprised by my husband’s insistence that I BF. I had expected him to be less than supportive because of the hassle and because he is skeptical of anything feminine or earth-mothery, but it turned out to be the opposite. I probably would have given up in the hospital, definitely within the first six weeks, if he hadn’t been so adamant about it. All this goes to say, discuss it with your husband well in advance of the baby’s arrival to avoid any unanticipated conflicts.
Anon says
Not me but a friend made this choice with her second. I think the main thing to expect is just a lot of judgment and a lot of pressure to breastfeed, beginning in the hospital. I combo fed by choice from day 2, and got so much judgment for that, and I feel like the judgment is probably increased by a factor of 10 if you don’t attempt to breastfeed.
Lana Del Raygun says
This can vary a lot by hospital, so if you can, avoid the “Baby-Friendly” ones and ask around about the others (your OB may have advice). Some cities only have “Baby-Friendly” hospitals, unfortunately.
Anon says
Even baby-unfriendly (lol) hospitals can be pretty judgy. I’m the combo feeder you’re replying to and my hospital did eventually provide me formula but I had to really fight for it, and I was shamed by a lot of doctors and nurses for wanting to sleep for more than 30 minutes at a time, after having been awake for 48+ hours and given birth.
drpepperesq says
my son had mild jaundice and was not getting enough breastmilk. NONE of the nurses (maybe this was a policy) encouraged, or even offered formula. my husband works for a hospital (not the one i gave birth in) and used some buzzwords about patient-centric care, which scared them enough to get a pediatrician down to talk to us in the middle of the night and we basically had to force him to say we can try formula. he finally OK’d it, but we basically had to beg. i sincerely hope you don’t have this type of experience, but you’re likely going to have to be strong in your conviction to use formula and not be swayed by all of the outside forces. i’ll contrast that to my friend who knew she was using formula right from the beginning and the nurses just said “ok.” i’ll also say that i really liked using formula, it let my husband participate in the feeding, i didn’t have to figure out logistics for pumping at work, and i could spend time overnight without my son also without figuring out logistics. there’s positives and negatives to both, but if you do what’s best for you and your family, you’re making the right choice.
GCA says
@drpepperesq, this is so infuriating. The potential effects of untreated/ mistreated jaundice are a heck of a lot scarier than the effect of including a little formula in a baby’s diet. (Both of my kids had jaundice and even with supplementing and phototherapy, it’s just a horrible, anxious waiting game.)
drpepperesq says
@GCA i know! the phototherapy was awful. the hospital brought in the little phototherapy box into our room, and we just had to watch him scream under the lights while wearing those little sunglasses. i was not OK! you’re right- totally horrible and anxiety inducing.
Pogo says
@drpepperesq hugs to you. We were lucky our jaundice was mild and we didn’t have to re-admit, but talking with my pediatrician after discharge and him telling me that if I noticed my baby getting even slightly more yellow to just not call, go straight back to the hospital…. I’m tearing up remembering. The fact that he was so chill about formula was probably the only reason I didn’t have a full PPD/PPA meltdown. I’m sorry you had such an awful experience!
AnonLaywer says
My city is one of those that only had Baby-Friendly hospitals. I did the tour yesterday and one of the couples was asking about what happened if the baby couldn’t breastfeed (since they had had a lot of trouble with their first) and the tour guide just kept saying that all the nurses were trained in lactation support. It was like formula was a dirty word!
Yup says
I agree that you should expect a lot of judgment. It helps to say that this isn’t your first and that you tried BF’ing last time. With that said, I had a lot of trouble with my first but with my second, BF worked amazingly well. I’m so happy that I stuck with it because I found it created a wonderful bond with my second that I didn’t have with my first.
Anonymous says
Make sure your hospital is not designated “baby-friendly,” as these hospitals require mothers to BF.
Anonymous says
They do not. You can refuse.
Anon says
“Require” is a bit strong. Nobody can force you to put your child on your breast or prevent you from giving your child formula you bring yourself. But yes, they won’t give you formula, and every doctor/nurse/PA you meet will question your decision and imply you you’re a bad mother for not BFing.
Annie says
+1. Bonus of avoiding so-called baby friendly is getting a nursery and actually getting to rest and recover.
FVNC says
OMG, this. I delivered my second in a baby-friendly-designated hospital, and mentioned the lack of respite nursery in my patient exit interview. The woman I spoke with looked surprised and said, “oh, we have a respite nursery!” So apparently the nurses I spoke with (whom I otherwise really liked) flat out lied when they told me it wasn’t an option. Of course, the nurses in the respite nursery where I delivered my first baby wouldn’t take my her because she was “too fussy”. Um, yeah, that’s why I needed a respite!
Annie says
Yes! I’m pretty crunchy/liberal but chose the least crunchy/liberal hospital in my city just to make sure I could sleep the night after labor.
Anon says
I delivered at a babyfriendly hospital and still had DD in the nursery the second night (the first night was OK) because I needed to sleep and she wouldn’t sleep unless held. Apparently holding baby + falling asleep yourself is worse than baby to nursery (they brought her back to nurse) even in baby friendly hospitals.
Anonymous says
They don’t ‘require’ you to BF, but to get the designation, they are required to not provide formula unless medically necessary I think (like Dr prescribes it). Bring your own ready to feed formula and that way you don’t have to worry about asking the nurses for formula or involving them in the feeding or dealing with judgment as much.
FWIW – I think my BFF just formula fed her second. She lives in another city and I couldn’t figure out a way to ask her without sounding like I was judging because she knows I’m pretty pro-BF. But I don’t care what she chose, I just was sad for her that it didn’t work well with her first. Didn’t seem to be as much support with BF at her local hospital post-discharge. Our city has a drop in BF clinic with LCs bascially everyday. And I felt a bit sad that she didn’t feel comfortable talking to me about her decision. Happy momma makes a happy baby. Another friend had a hard time with her first but it went great with her second. I’ve had three kids, BF is a relationship individual to each parent-kid relationship – one was fantastic, one was good and one was mediocre.
Anonymous says
What’s there to talk about? She did what she wanted.
Anonymous says
I would have liked to be there to support her if she, like other posters on this thread, faced judgement for their decision.
Anon says
Seriously. And don’t be sad for her! I’m sure she enjoyed the longer stretches of sleep while her husband or other family members took feedings, and all the time saved by not nursing. I BFed my daughter for 18 months and enjoyed it after the initial pain and engorgement but the idea that you should feel sad for people who FF is silly.
Anon 9:44 says
Please don’t misstate what I said. I didn’t say I was sad for ppl who FF. I said I was sad for her that it didn’t work with her first – this is empathy for what she verbalized to me about how she felt about the situation with her first.
Anonymous says
I know lots of people who have done this. You just don’t hear about it.
ElisaR says
exactly. do what is right for you!
Mrs. Jones says
+1. If I had a second, I wouldn’t BF again.
Pogo says
Several other kiddos in my son’s class are FF as are their siblings. Other than that, though, I do agree that everyone I know at least makes an effort to try to BF, and acts like FF is some kind of backup/last ditch effort – so if I were in your shoes, I agree I would feel isolated trying to figure out resources for exclusive FF from the start.
GCA says
Not me, but my sister used 100% formula from the beginning for both her kids, and a friend used 100% formula with her second after switching to it with her first who had medical issues. Since this is your second, you can likely shut down some of the judgement by saying ‘We’re going with what worked for First Kid and is familiar’. (Implies kid 1 bf issues, but doesn’t specify.)
anon says
i know quite a few people who in advance decided to formula feed. all of their kids are thriving and doing great! i also have quite a few friends who were formula fed as babies and are now happy, healthy adults. i also have a friend who is a pediatrician who did try at the beginning, but her milk never properly came in and she was pumping to produce literally 3 ounces a day, after 8 weeks of that she said screw it, formula will be fine. i started off triple feeding my twins, then switched to pumping and i never fully made enough milk so they were always getting some formula and pumping was making me miserable. at around the 6 month mark i spoke with two different pediatricians who showed me that there is evidence that breastmilk makes a difference for premies in the first few months of life, but after that the difference is negligible. so assuming you have a healthy baby, go for formula if that is what will work best for you and your family! you have permission from this internet stranger :-)
anon. op. says
I’m the OP – thanks for all of the anecdotes, keep them coming! I like the point that I can easily say “This is not my first time, we’re going with what works for us, thanks!” We also have a good relationship with our pediatrician, so I’ll make sure that’s all set up in advance.
Clementine says
Not exactly the scenario you said you were looking for, but every foster babe I have is 100% formula fed by me. I have been WAITING for somebody to make a comment or say something snarky and you know what? Nobody ever has.
Also, after 100% BFing my son, I was a little sad there was no confetti. There were no awards. Honestly? Formula is very freeing. My husband is exactly as capable of feeding the baby as I am. When I go out, I don’t have to stop and pump. I have 0 guilt about it and it’s delightful.
Anon says
Well of course no one comments on you negatively feeding a child who is not your biological child formula. I’ve never seen anyone snark on adoptive or foster parents for not BFing because everyone knows formula is not a choice for them. I’m not saying OP is wrong, but it’s a totally different situation and it seems a little silly to say she won’t get judged because you don’t. Nobody thinks formula is poison, they just think breastmilk is better and bio moms who make a CHOICE to use formula are selfish. (<– I don't feel this way! But that is the anti-formula position.)
Anon says
*no one comments negatively, I mean
Clementine says
Understanding the limitations of my position, I was responding to the idea that there is a general anti-formula attitude from strangers/random people about town.
Anon says
How would strangers observing you even know what’s in the bottle? So many women pump these days that the odds are probably very even that a baby being bottle-fed is getting pumped milk vs formula. I think most people here are talking about judgment from the medical establishment, especially in the hospital right after delivery, or from people that you inform about your decision not to breastfeed.
Lana Del Raygun says
It’s rarer, but there are in fact people who think formula is massively inferior and even harmful. That’s why there’s a black market in random unscreened “donor milk” on CL and FB, unfortunately.
Anonymous says
People judge all sorts of things. We’re a 2 mom family with twins. When they were a few months old we were out in public and my wife was nursing one while I fed the other pumped milk. A woman in her 50s who was sitting behind us tapped on my wife’s shoulder to say “I’m so happy to SOME see people still nurse their babies!” and glared at me. We thought this whole thing was pretty hilarious, but it’s just an anecdote about how judgy people are going to judge.
rosie says
OMG Anonymous @11:46. She touched your wife to convey that gem? That is hilarious but also so so wrong that someone would think it’s ok to act that way.
anon says
We only have baby-friendly hospitals in our city (that’s a whole different issue IMO) My friend knew she was going to FF and her main issue was that her son didn’t like/wouldn’t take the bottle/nipple the hospital had, and there was only one option because they push BF. Her husband had to go buy a bunch of options and bring them over. So maybe bring some options, and maybe even your own formula? Baby-friendly hospitals also won’t give you a paci at L&D, so bring your own (BF or FF, nipple confusion is pretty much debunked, so hopefully this rule goes away) I think the LCs helped her with engorgement when her milk came in too.
Anon says
I was not BF at all – just formula. Have degrees in hard fields from top schools, was a varsity athlete, and am healthy.
Do what works for you. You don’t have to do what is “best for baby;” you have to do what is GOOD for baby, even if it’s not “best.”
AwayEmily says
A friend of mine went this route with both her kids and one of the beneficial side effects was that it made the division of labor between her and her partner SO much more equitable. I spent a fair amount of time with her while her kids were infants and it was wonderful to see the reasonable schedules they worked out. She could leave for a full day! They could alternate nights, so they were both well-rested! I think that my partner and I did our best to split things equally when our babies were small but the reality is that if you are breastfeeding (as I did), things are inherently unequal. Formula feeding can solve that issue if you want it to. Anyway, seeing their experience was really compelling evidence for me that formula feeding is more than just “fine” — it can have truly positive downstream effects on parents’ mental health as compared to breastfeeding.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
+ “formula feeding is more than just “fine” — it can have truly positive downstream effects on parents’ mental health as compared to breastfeeding.”
After really struggling (and having to do the triple feed) with DS, I’ve decided if we’re lucky enough for Kiddo #2, I’m combo feeding from the beginning for this reason. I think my (hindsight diagnosis) PPA was largely because of the challenges around BF. I also feel like DH felt that he couldn’t really do much to take care of the baby directly until we introduced formula around 10 months.
Sarah says
Very real positives! I didn’t go this route but sometimes wish I did.
anon says
I breastfed both of my kids for a long, long time. I think it may have been better for them and me if I had formula fed from the start.
There are real risks of breastfeeding for a mother’s career, sleep, and mental health and for equity between parents. How I wish the pregnancy books more fully addressed the risks.
I would love to see more women like those of us on this board lead the way in choosing not to breastfeed.
Everlong says
I did this! I was just like you. I BF my first without issue beyond despising it, and I just knew I didn’t want to do it with my 2nd. I gave birth in a hospital with a “baby-friendly” designation. I “tried” it with my 2nd, because I was open to that, for less than a minute. The second the nurse tried to coach me I said, “I cannot do this. I want formula!” It was totally fine. I think the nurses were more supportive of this choice because it was my 2nd time around and was confident in my choice. I prepared for a battle and it was all unnecessary. This was a non-issue. It made my 2nd postpartum period so much better than my first. It’s just not my thing. Both kids are AMAZING and there are no obvious ill-effects on my second. :)
anon. says
Thanks. :)
CPA Lady says
I combo fed on purpose because I wanted to from the time my daughter was about a month old. I had no issues with supply, no issue with nursing, just wanted to use formula too. I switched to formula 100% by 6 months. I never pumped at work. It was amazing and I highly recommend it. I also never had any judgement (to my face anyway). I live in the south and I think people are way more likely to talk about you behind your back here, so maybe someone had an opinion about it, but if so they never shared it with me. :)
I did actually enjoy nursing and probably would have done it longer, but due to a variety of logistical factors it didn’t make sense for me to keep going. I have zero regrets.
RR says
I tried with my twins and hated every second of it. With my second, I just didn’t. I think I had to turn away the lactation consultant once, but it was really not a big deal at all. My pediatrician made no issue of it, and none of my friends or family were judgmental. I think the trick is just to make that decision and be clear and straightforward about your decision. “No thanks, we are formula feeding.” “No thanks, this is not our first, and we are comfortable with our decision to formula feed.” Repeat, repeat repeat.
I never had anyone be judgmental to me about it and would probably have been a little rude if I had.
RR says
By “second,” I mean second pregnancy–third child.
Sarah says
If you want more reassurance about your choice, read the book Push Back: Guilt in the Age of Natural Parenting. It is very eye-opening and written by a Harvard-trained Ob-Gyn with very strong views on this subject in support of women’s decisions.
Anonymous says
I read this during my second son’s first weeks of life and found it eye opening, particularly about the religious (Christian) background of the natural birth movement and other things.
Anonymous says
22 weeks here with my first baby and will be formula feeding from day one because it’s what I want. Simple as that. In a first world country with clean water, the benefits of breastfeeding are neglible according to the research I’ve done. I already have mental health issues and want absolutely nothing to do with the hassle of trying to make nursing or pumping work, especially when I return to work. I also want my husband to be able to equally share feeding duties (he also wants this). The bodily autonomy thing is a lesser reason for me, but still on the list and I’m betting it will matter more to me later.
Anon says
I don’t have experience, but just keep being 100% confident in your decision. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad or second guess yourself. Your baby will be fed, happy, and healthy and that is what matters.
Anonymous says
Another note about BFH, ours explicitly said during the tour they did not have any formula (except for babies in the NICU), so check your hospital policies beforehand and plan to bring your own RTF 2-oz bottles, if needed.
I also suggest leaning heavily on the “this is my second kid and FF is what works for our family” bit.
anon says
It feels unconscionable to me for a hospital to purposefully not provide formula to babies whose parents request it. My pediatrician made sure the hospital gave me a bit formula to take home just in case we had problems—fed is best.
Lana Del Raygun says
Yeah, BFHI is ridiculous (and associated with increased rates of babies injured falling out of their mothers’ beds).
Anonymous says
Babies room-in not bed-share with BFHI.
Lana Del Raygun says
Oh yeah, sorry if that wasn’t clear! They DO NOT encourage bedsharing, but sometimes mothers fall asleep while nursing. I gave birth in a BFHI hospital and they were very clear that I should not be bedsharing, and I could call any time for help putting the baby back in her bassinet, but there were a couple times I was sleepier than I realized and nodded off while holding her.
Anonymous says
The exhausted moms fall asleep while holding or BFing the babies.
Pogo says
This makes me so sad! I am really glad I had the hospital and LC experience I did after hearing some of these stories. I attended a support group led by an LC who would collect all the free formula samples you get in the mail from moms who didn’t need it to pass on to others who did – I literally only had to buy 1 container of formula EVER because of this (granted I only needed to supplement for a small time, but still).
Anonymous says
I BF’ed but at our first pediatrician appointment asked for a recommendation on formula to keep in the house as a back-up because I was uncomfortable having nothing else in the house to feed our baby in case of emergency. They gave us a handful of ready to feed samples, and were super nice/laid back about it.
Anon says
A friend of mine did this for her second after struggling to BF her first. She said she really had to insist that she was NOT breastfeeding many times in the hospital and she brought her own formula in case she was given a hard time. She said the nurses were pushy but she and her husband held firm and they ultimately acquiesced. She was really happy with her decision and feels like her mental health was so much better the second time around because she wasn’t breastfeeding.
I EBF my first for 10 months and combo-fed until 13 months. We will likely do combo-feeding for our second. Breastfeeding came somewhat naturally to me physically, but I really struggled with it from a mental health/freedom/independence/bodily autonomy standpoint and I know I’m not going through that again with an active toddler in the picture as well.
Anonymous says
Just anecdote here – and we combo fed our first, I am finding the mental/emotional loaf of bfing SO much easier with my second. I think a lot of it was about becoming a mom and being needed all the time. That was hard for me and a lot of that is wrapped up with feeding. This time I’m already used to it so I had zero emotional adjustment and am EBF my second. But I’m sure we’ll use formula eventually. You do you!
Long time lurker says
My baby got formula right away due to low blood sugar. I tried to breastfeed and basically combo fed for about 6 weeks when I quit. My life got instantly better and I was a better mom. I had to pump all the time and my supply was just bad. I did get some pushy nurses in the hospital after birth but that was when I was still trying to bf.
No one talks about it but a lot of people use formula. I never really got any judgment from moms … the judgement came from a childless woman and a dad. Both of whom never breastfed of course. There is a constant talk of breastfeeding on message boards and in mom groups in real life that can make a formula mom feel a little isolated but maybe that was my society imposed guilt getting to me. Good luck !
Knope says
Sort of a spin off on the above thread about sides – does anyone know a child in real life who would have an allergic reaction to someone ELSE eating a product in their proximity that was made in a factory with nut products? Because I’m wondering why so many schools are banning nuts to that degree. My son actually HAS a nut allergy, but our allergist has advised that nut allergies can actually worsen in severity if children who can tolerate exposure to trace amounts are never exposed ever to any amount. My child’s allergy is quite serious – he can’t tolerate enough to qualify for official exposure therapy – but he can tolerate trace amounts/food “made in a factory with” nut products. He’s only a toddler now, but I would hate to see him develop a contact allergy or have his reaction become more severe in the future. So, just wondering schools’ rationale behind this.
Clementine says
The given rationale at my kid’s school is that it’s because the pre-k classes eat in the classroom at the tables. Other kids may sit at that spot after lunch and thus, they’re extremely sensitive to possible exposures.
Honestly, I think they just want parents to take it seriously. Nobody is doing a door check of my kid’s lunch.
Anonymous says
I think it’s paranoia and unfounded fear of liability if a kid were to have a reaction at school.
Anonymous says
Banning may contain is ridiculous. It’s not even a legally regulated term, so this may just lead to products leaving the term off. We try to encourage trace exposure. We trial ‘may contain’ foods regularly and allow them if no reaction. Someone else eating a may contain product isn’t a situation that creates a real risk. The allergen has to enter the body – that can be through a cut, rubbing eyes after touching the allergen, or eating the allergen.
Our school doesn’t ban dairy because it’s too restrictive for parents. Kids just needed to be supervised and sharing of food not permitted. Also, not sure what nuts your child is allergy too but you can be allergic to some nuts but not others. My oldest is peanut and hazelnit allergic but is fine with pistachio, macadamia nuts and almonds. We haven’t trialed other nuts because we don’t eat that many different types.
Anonymous says
Just saw that it’s in a pre-K situation not an elementary school age. In pre-K kids can be pretty messy and less likely to understand the seriousness of sharing food so I can see tighter rules. Generally as kids get older, rules relax a bit.
Ynn says
My daughter has gotten hives just from touching the residue of something made on equipment with nuts (may contain) so I don’t think this is over the top or for liability. Unfortunately, young kids can be that sensitive.
Anonymous says
The rationale is that schools are not going to second guess a doctors note and get sued when a kid dies. Kids share food. Kids aren’t perfect.
avocado says
My daughter’s elementary school dealt with food allergies by seating the allergic kids at a separate lunch table, banning snacks containing the allergen in the classroom (not in the lunchroom), and requiring all the kids to wash their hands frequently. I liked the handwashing, which seemed to cut down on illnesses. She was sick a lot less often in elementary school than she has been in middle school, where handwashing is not required.
Spirograph says
Our elementary school also has a nut-free table at lunch. Each kid can bring a friend to the table with them, as long as that kid also has a nut-free lunch. In Kindergarten, they consolidate all kids with known allergies into one class (the teacher also has a nut allergy), to avoid the isolation factor that could otherwise happen.
RR says
This is how our school does it too. So I can still send PBJ for lunch, but her snack has to be completely nut free.
Anonymous says
It’s really interesting how much this varies! My kid just started at a new preK and a kid in his class has a nut allergy (no idea how severe) but we’re still allowed to send nuts in his lunch. The teachers check lunches every day and make sure to only sit kids at the nut-free table who actually have nut-free lunches. Seems kind of crazy to me, but I’m not really complaining because nuts are a useful staple for us.
Pogo says
I assume it’s so it’s less work for the school – the other commenters’ schools’ solutions seem like way more work for the administration and teachers, as opposed to a total ban.
I am allergic to many (but not all) tree nuts, and back when I grew up no one took it seriously. My mom just drilled it into me that I couldn’t eat birthday treats or cookies that someone brought in, and I wasn’t allowed to eat anyone else’s lunch. It’s nice that people take it seriously now, but it seems to have gone way in the other direction.
Anonymous says
My husband has a nut allergy. He has had only two reactions since I have known him because he is vigilant. First was from eating something that said “may contain” and the second was a contact reaction. My son had had Nutella and in cleaning him up, I missed a small spot. As an adult, he knows how to treat himself quickly. A child may not be able to do the same. Although these restrictions are more work for parents, they protect kids that are not yet equipped to protect themselves.
lsw says
I have no idea but once I hosted some people for Thanksgiving (long story) who told me that I couldn’t even cook anything with nuts in my oven for the whole dinner.
Deema says
Ladies, I am here as a new convert, to highly recommend pay-by-the-pound wash and fold services for laundry. For my family of four, it’s about $100 per week, which includes everyone’s clothes and three sets of sheets. They pick it up and drop it off at my home. And they do a far better job washing and folding than I do. Everything is crisp and neat. No more running things through the dryer multiple times because it’s still damp, or forgetting a load in the washer for two days. It’s easily saved me four hours of time per week, if not more–I’m happy to pay $25/hour for additional time for myself.
I don’t know why this feels so revolutionary — I’ve used a cleaning service all my adult life, but always done my own laundry. No more. I think this is another thing we should be outsourcing as working moms. (And maybe everyone else already is, and I’m just late to get on board!)
Anonymous says
Oh my goodness though that’s expensive!!
Deema says
Oh absolutely, it’s not cheap. But a weekly cleaning service is about the same amount, and I feel like that’s far more common than laundry outsourcing, for some reason.
Anon says
I feel like a weekly cleaning service saves SO much more time though. I don’t know anyone who can clean a kitchen and several bathrooms thoroughly without spending several hours. I’m really not exaggerating when I say I probably spend 20 minutes on laundry weekly, our household maybe spends 30 minutes if you include the time my husband spends on his own. I don’t bother folding though, who cares?
Anonymous says
How do you make it work with not folding? Do you hang all your work clothes? Or just put in drawers and then iron before wearing?
Anon says
I mostly meant I don’t fold kids’ clothes. I do fold my own pants and hang sweaters/work tops but that only takes a minute or two.
Anon says
And I definitely don’t fold sheets, which I think is the most time-consuming folding task.
Deema says
I don’t fold sheets either, but there always seemed to be some issue with getting them dry — if I put a full sheet set in the dryer all at once, the top sheet would get wadded up in the fitted sheet and none of it would get completely dry. Or I end up drying two loads, one for the fitted sheet and one for the top sheet, which just seems nuts. There must be some way around this, but it was beyond my abilities to figure out.
Anonymous says
Wool felt dryer balls really help keep sheets from balling up so they dry evenly.
lsw says
TWENTY minutes a week?? That seems insane to me! And I don’t even do my husband or stepdaughter’s laundry! Maybe I’m just slow.
Anonymous says
How does it work with not folding your kids clothes or sheets? I have daydreams about purging ALL my kid clothes and buying each kid ~5 play outfits and 2 nice outfits, but as it stands now they have a bunch of clothes and they would look like wrinkly ragamuffins if everything sat in a laundry basket, because the weight of the clothes would press in the wrinkles pretty thoroughly for all but the top layer.
I think 600sqft and a Baby said they have only one set of sheets per bed, and just make sure to wash in the AM so everything’s dry before you need to make the bed and go to sleep, but…. I am not that organized, my kids’ overnight pullups leak on the regular, and my extra sheets won’t fit in the linen closet if they’re not folded and stacked neatly.
Anonymous says
That was my first thought too! For that kind of money I could hire a weekly cleaning service, which would save much more time. There is no way we spend anywhere close to four hours a week actively working on laundry. It’s maybe an hour or two of folding while watching TV or listening to the radio. I’d rather eliminate the 6+ hours I spend each week keeping the house barely clean.
Spirograph says
I definitely spend at least 4 hours actively doing laundry for my family of 5. I usually fold while watching TV, but I’d rather do something other than watch TV with those hours. I have considered a wash and fold service but I haven’t pulled the trigger yet.
OP, How do they handle things that should lay flat or hang to dry? Do you separate those out and only send out the easy care stuff? That’s one of my sticking points.
Deema says
They have a “special care” bag that you can put items needing specific treatment in, and they will return certain items on hangers, as designated by the customer (I have them hang all my blouses and DH’s polo shirts).
Spirograph says
Thanks, this is helpful to know! You’ve inspired me to look more closely at the services in our area.
Deema says
Oh absolutely, in terms of prioritizing, I would get the weekly cleaner far before outsourcing laundry. I’ve just recently come to the decision that it’s worth the money to outsource both.
Anonymous says
IDK – that sounds pretty genius to me! I’d definitely pay $100/week to never have to do laundry again.
Anonymous says
This is awesome and I love that they pick it up/drop it off. We could not afford an extra $400/month but go you!!
SC says
Good for you! I have never used wash-and-fold regularly, but I’ve used it during particularly busy times–law school exams, super busy times at work, etc. So, even if you don’t want to spend $400/month, keep it in mind for those weeks when you’re buried and just in survival mode!
lsw says
That’s genius. Adding this to my list for things to consider next time we’re getting ready for vacation and we’re always slammed.
Io says
We’ve paid between $1.20 and $.80 / lb for laundry drop off in NYC. It’s probably the second or third best thing about living in Brooklyn.
Anon says
How ethical are you about daycare fever rules? My DD started in daycare in June and has had about one cold per month since then, which our ped said is typical (she actually said DD probably has a stronger than average immune system, because none of the colds have turned into anything more serious like an ear infection). The problem is that my DD runs a low grade fever (100.5-101.0 rectally) for three to four days every time she gets a cold, which is apparently not uncommon in toddlers. So with the 24 hour fever-free rule, she’s been missing almost a full week of school every month and DH and I have been missing a lot of work for an illness that doesn’t require a doctor’s visit or make her very sick. Her daycare seems to not take temperatures themselves unless a child is hot to the touch or has sickness symptoms beyond a runny nose, so I think it would be pretty easy for us to send her when she has a cold, even if she’s running a low fever. I don’t want to make other kids sick unnecessarily, but she’s infectious before she gets ill, the kids in her class all seem to have constant runny noses, and it doesn’t seem fair to me that you can send kids to daycare with a cold as long as the fever is 100.3 but if it’s 100.5 you have to keep them home. I wouldn’t knowingly send her in with a fever, but I’m thinking of just not taking her temperature the next time she gets sick unless she has symptoms beyond a runny nose. Thoughts?
Anonymous says
If you don’t take her temp, you are setting yourself up for a call in the middle of the day when the teachers do.
Anon says
I really don’t think they do – I know because we’ve sent her in with colds before when we honestly believed the runny nose was due to teething and later realized she was sick and running a fever. Anyway, that wouldn’t be a big deal. I’d rather work a half day than not at all.
Anon. says
Like your daycare, I only take my kid’s temp if he seems particularly sick or feels hot to the touch. Yep – he’s got a runny nose a lot and sometimes he has a cough. Could be a cold, could be seasonal allergies. But unless he’s really acting sick, I don’t see the need to do a fever check.
Anonymous says
Not cool
Spirograph says
If my kid is acting ill and temp is borderline, I keep him/her home. Better to stay home for one day than get a call in the middle of the day and be forced to stay home the next day, too.
If he or she is acting fine and just has a runny nose, I would never take a temperature. Exception is if kiddo feels obviously hot to the touch. Usually this means a fever higher than 100, and it’s rare that it happens without crankiness/lethargy.
Cb says
Agreed, I only take temperature if kiddo feels hot to the touch or has some other symptoms. But my nursery doesn’t have a strict fever rule, I think they realize that kids spike fevers all the time.
Anonymous says
Neither of the centers we’ve used is super strict about it, which I appreciate. They have basically the same approach I do, which I consider to be common-sense, and will retake borderline temps after 30-60 min before actually sending the kid home. I’ve never had a situation where I thought the rule was being enforced unreasonably. 24 hour rule is annoying if my kid gets sent home and then is fine the next day, which is why I’ll err on the side of caution sometimes.
Nan says
+1 to all of this
Anonymous says
I base it a lot on what the illness was. When kiddo had RSV, we went above and beyond to stop the spread. I think she could have technically gone back on Thursday afternoon, and we kept her home all week. For a typical cold, we base it more on activity levels/how she is feeling.
Lana Del Raygun says
Yeah, I would be concerned that it’s actually RSV and your kid does have a great immune system.
Anon says
But that’s true of any cold, and you can’t keep your kid home every time they have a cold. It’s just not practical.
Anon says
Yeah, that’s my point – we’re having to keep her home for 3-5 days every time she has so much as a cold because cold = low grade fever in my kid, apparently. She’s never had any breathing issues and ped has never suspected RSV, obviously we would treat that differently.
FVNC says
It really varies. When our kids ran low-grade fevers with no other symptoms, we’d often take them to the ped and get a note saying they were okay to attend (most often the cause was teething or minor ear infection which was not contagious). Most recently, our 2 yr old woke up with a very minor rash (like, 3 bumps on his feet) and no other symptoms — we took him to the ped proactively since we knew daycare would send him home, and the ped told us — it may be something like HFM, but even if it is, the whole class has been exposed by now, so go ahead and send him. I did, and it was fine (no further rash or symptoms, so was likely a heat irritation). Our peds have always taken the view that daycare rules are more for optics than actual disease-spread prevention, because illnesses are likely to be contagious before symptoms show. So while I’d never send an obviously sick kid, I’m willing to bend the rules a bit on the backend of recovery if kid appears otherwise healthy.
Anonymous says
This is interesting. I don’t think our state regulations allow for you to send your kid in with a fever regardless of whether you have a note. The rule is the rule is the rule, even with a ped note. Just because your ped says it’s OK doesn’t mean that the other kids’ peds think it’s OK for them to potentially be exposed.
Anonymous says
At my daycare, they explicitly advertise that kiddos with fevers who are diagnosed with an ear infection only and on antibiotics can go back early provided the child is up to participating in regular activities. With a doctor’s note confirming.
Anonymous says
This. Our regs are specific on temp. Ped notes don’t help.
ElisaR says
i’m pretty sure our daycare only send them home when it hits 101
Anon says
If I’m being honest, I would send her without waiting the full 24 hours without even hesitating. Please don’t attack me, I’m trying so hard here and I wish I had a better option but I don’t.
KW says
Agreed. Especially if it’s a low fever (99 or 100) the night before and then fever-free the following morning.
AwayEmily says
I do sometimes wish there was a way to have slightly different standards for different kids given that some kids are seem more prone to fevers than others. My first just never runs fevers. Even when she is fairly sick (like, sick enough that we kept her home), she just doesn’t get particularly hot. But my good friend’s kid gets a fever basically ever time he has a cold — even when he is otherwise completely normal. It always seems unfair to me, but I don’t have a good solution.
anon says
My kid has an immunocompromised classmate who is now cleared to be in group settings, so I follow the rules pretty strictly. No way am I going to be the cause of more difficulty for a kind family that has already been through so much.
Pogo says
Does your ped confirm that this low-grade fever persists beyond the time she’s truly ill/communicable? If so, you could have the ped write a “ok to return to daycare” note.
I have sent kiddo with a 99ish but never if he’s over 100. However in my kid, 100+ usually means he’s actively ill/cranky and I wouldn’t send him anyway. I am reading your statement that your kid with a 100.5 is totally fine and happy and just has a runny nose – which, if that’s the case, I would get the ped to write a note.
Anon says
The ped thinks it’s a cold, which is a communicable illness but not a serious one and one that wouldn’t result in fever in many other kids (my kid is just fever-prone is the consensus). I would of course keep her home if she’s acting lethargic or unhappy, but she’s usually only acting sick if her fever is well over 101. She did have a virus once with a fever over 103, and her behavior then was very different. My question was about when she’s 100.5 and seems totally fine except for a drippy nose.
Pogo says
I would think you could get a note in that case? I see your point – in most kids, your kids’ illness would not be fever-inducing, so the ‘rule’ results in much more lost daycare than other kids.
I do sympathize that I also have a fever-prone kid, who always vomits when he gets a fever (so fun). Some kids just react to illness differently – might be worth a chat w/ the ped to see if they’d clear you earlier than 24h post-100.5. However if kiddo is truly symptom-free besides a runny nose, you could probably send them without too much concern, since daycare is only going to temp them if the child feels hot OR is acting ill in any way.
Ashley says
Have you tried other types of thermometers? I think rectal temps tend to read high–maybe a high quality ear thermometer would actually say the temp is in the 99-ish range. If I got an ear temp in the 99 range, I would absolutely send mine to daycare. Now that my toddler is older, the ear one is all we use unless there’s some reason to suspect he’s REALLY sick. And I will say–he’s been hospitalized twice now for illnesses and the hospital (a children’s hospital!) would only use the armpit method, which I thought was weird since those temps are notoriously lower than one taken from another site.
Anon says
She won’t sit still long enough to get a good ear reading and daycare says you add a whole degree to armpit temperatures. Might be worth buying a new thermometer but her readings at the doctors office are always high too, even when she appears perfectly healthy.
Anon says
I think you should just use your judgment and send her if it’s clearly just a cold. If she isn’t acting sick or hot to the touch, no need to take her temp which will avoid any question of whether your breaking the rule by sending her. Some kids just run high!
Anon. says
If she temps a bit high at routine doctor visits it sounds to me like she runs hot – different average body temperatures in people is a thing. (I consistently temp a full degree lower than the “normal” temperature both at home and at the doc.) Especially If she’s normally a degree or two warmer than average, I would have no hesitation sending a kid with 100.5 who is not acting sick to daycare.
octagon says
If I’m confident it’s just a cold, I do one of two things-
1. Give a dose of Motrin in the am and hope the fever stays away when it wears off
2. Go to the early morning walk-in hours at the pediatrician to get a note that it’s just a cold and kiddo is okay to be at school. (More work, but without the gamble of the first option).
new to new england says
Can anyone tell me about Boston suburbs? We both have jobs outside the city (Cambridge/Metrowest area). We have two kids under 4 and would prefer a neighborhood that is walkable, has diversity and good (doesn’t have to be the best) schools. Thanks in advance!
Bostonian says
I would first double check that Cambridge commute and use that to narrow the hunt. I have a friend at G o o g l e in Kendall Square. She isolated her house hunt to towns with strong red line access or the commuter rail line that ran through Porter Square, and that’s even with a free parking space at her office just so she had the option. Cambridge can be a beast to commute to depending on where your office is. Can you offer more info on that front?
Pogo says
Are you not actually in Boston yet? Because I wouldn’t call Cambridge “outside the city” by any means!
Do you truly mean suburb – like big green lawns and pools in the backyards of 2400 sqft colonials (Concord etc) – or do you just mean Not Cambridge & might have off street parking (Arlington, West Medford)? What kind of budget are you looking at – more or less than $1M will narrow things pretty quickly.
Anon says
+1 Cambridge is more urban than parts of Boston and is very much the city.
OP says
OP here,
Just visited, seemed like Cambridge (work will be in Kendall) was pretty busy, but not cheap to get a whole house (which is what we would prefer). Open to a townhouse/duplex also but would like a yard also. No big lawns or pools necessary.
Our budget is just about $1M. Arlington has been brought up to us, would be interested to hear about Belmont, Watertown also?
Bostonian says
I’d probably focus on Belmont and Arlington. Personally, I’d pick Belmont (fabulous schools to boot) but you might get marginally more bang for your buck in Arlington. G o o g l e -referenced friend above bought a single family in Belmont for just around $950 meanwhile another friend who works at MIT bought the first floor condo of a 2-story/2-unit condo building in Arlington for 2/3 of that. Their condo is much smaller, but point being is there will be something in your price point in either place that will be accessible to Kendall. And, FWIW, I’d leave Watertown aside. It’s SO much better than what it was, but given your budget and that you’re not looking for the largest home your budget will buy, I’d definitely put it in third place.
Anonymous says
We live in the actual burbs- I would say Lexington starts the true north/west suburbs- so lincoln, Weston, concord, Bedford,heading west. You could go as far as acton or Sudbury but the commute starts to be a headache. If you want semi-urban, Arlington and Medford.
Due west you have Newton, which has some suburban neighborhoods but like Lexington still feels like part of Boston. Wellesley has smaller lots but more truely suburban. Weston and Needham are bigger houses and bigger lots but further out (they have very different feels).
Natick and Framingham are decent schools headed west but not concord/Lexington/newton/Wellesley.
You don’t want to live north or south and commute to the metro west so I’ll just leave there! You might be able to swing a metrowest commute from Winchester or the greater Burlington area but…it would really depend.
Anon says
Wellesley to Cambridge as a commute would be terrible. Wellesley is great if you work in Back Bay or the Financial District, but even driving into Kendall at 10 am for a job interview convinced me that it was just not the right place.
Arlington, Belmont, Lexington, etc. are the places to live if you work in Kendall.
Pogo says
I like Arlington better than Belmont or Watertown in terms of the town “feel”, but it’s kind of personal preference – I like that Arlington is kind of fun/quirky, I see Belmont as more “old money” (I think Romney lives there?). Watertown has some nice spots (like the square/area by the river) but also some meh parts that aren’t any nicer than Somerville or Cambridge.
I think $1M might not get you a whole house in any of those places, but a nice townhouse for sure. You wouldn’t have a yard greater than 1/8 acre most likely in any of those locations for $1M, but there are so many great parks/green spaces that wouldn’t concern me.
If you aren’t into a big lawn and you want walkable, I wouldn’t bother looking in Lexington, Concord, etc – $1M won’t get you too much there either considering you’ll have a longer commute and less of the downtown/community feel of the closer-in towns. I’d visit and see how you like the various towns, but Arlington is my vote. West Medford might have a slightly lower price point, but the schools aren’t as good. I like the part of West Medford by the train station because you can walk to Arlington center and be downtown in 10min on the train.
Anonymous says
Arlington
Anon says
I noticed on Sunday afternoon that my 18 month old has a chipped upper front tooth. No idea how it happened, although she faceplants pretty regularly so I can imagine. I called the dentist and they said they don’t need to see her unless the tooth is loose or changes color. I realize there’s probably nothing they can do and it’s a baby tooth, but it’s still kind of odd to me that they don’t even want to see her. She’s been fussier than normal and wasn’t eating very well today until we gave her some Tylenol so I’m a little worried she’s in pain (on the other hand, she currently has a cold and I think is also teething, so maybe it’s just due to those things). Has anyone been through this and can reassure me that the tooth will likely be fine? I’m (probably irrationally) worried that now that the tooth is chipped it will break completely the next time she bites down on something hard or trips.
AwayEmily says
Yes! My daughter chipped a front tooth when she was about 20 months. We actually didn’t even notice that the tooth was chipped for about a week afterwards (worst parents ever — we were there when she fell but thought it was just a bloody lip). It has been completely fine, and when she went to the dentist months later for her regular checkup they were entirely unconcerned.
Anon says
Thank you! This makes me feel a lot better. The chip looks small and I really doubt anyone outside of her immediate family and caregivers would notice. But I made the mistake of g00gling and the Internet said even the tiniest chips can lead to infection, tooth loss, etc.
govtattymom says
This happened to us! My daughter’s dentist told us that there is nothing she can do right now, because at this age my daughter would never sit still long enough for any type of procedure. It’s clearly not worth putting her under. The dentist told us she could probably do something when she’s five or so, but at that point you are paying to fix a tooth that is going to fall out in a year or two. The cosmetic issue bothered me in the beginning, but now I hardly notice it!
ElisaR says
this happened to my 5 yr old niece but it was a pretty big chip. The dentist made a cap (for cosmetic reasons) that didn’t hold so a few weeks later she had to have it pulled. She just looked like she lost her teeth early and it was kind of a badge of honor few a few years until the new tooth came in at the age appropriate time.
I do think it’s a little odd that the dentist didn’t want to see baby but if it’s a small bit I guess it makes sense.
Emily S. says
Our daughter chipped her right front tooth at some point when she was around 2. When the ped asked how it happened, we just looked at her, like, expecting she could communicate clearly what happened and when. She’s now 4 and tooth is fine. Dentist has said not to worry about it because it’s a baby tooth. So, totally anecdotal but if if makes you feel better, my kid is fine.
Back to School Night says
does anyone find Back to School Nights useful or valuable? Our daughter is now in second grade and I found the past two BTS nights to be uninspiring and dull so we are considering skipping it this year. Husband has no interest in going, but daughter may be disappointed if we don’t go. School is 25 minutes away and daughter also has dance class right before so I’m feeling like it’s one too many things to do on a school night. Am I missing something here in just opting out?
Deema says
I think you identified the main issue — daughter may be disappointed if you don’t go. Otherwise, there’s likely nothing to be gleaned. But my understanding of the way these things tends to operate is that the students hang up things for their parents to see, the teachers tell them in advance, “Your mommies and daddies will be here and we’re going to show them XYZ,” etc.
Don’t look at it as going so that you get anything out of it — like so many things we do, we’re doing it for our kids. The fact that it’s uninspiring and dull is beside the point.
anon says
+1. Just go. I’m all about opting out of non-essential school events, but in my view, back-to-school night isn’t one of those things.
Clementine says
You can go or not go. Agree that it’s more about whether your kid will feel let down.
From my own childhood experiences, the lesson I would like to share is to make sure you aren’t sending the message to your daughter that you’re not going because it is boring. You’re not going because: ‘I can’t make it, we have dance!’ or we need to be up early the next day or whatever reason. Kid stuff is often boring for adults, but kids often internalize this. (I’m sure you’re very thoughtful and wouldn’t do this, but just in case…)
My father made it Known that he didn’t want to be at stuff like this. He brought magazines to dance recitals, complained openly and regularly about school plays, and just made it clear to us that we were the source of this annoyance. This really hurt as a kid and is part of the reason that even as an adult, I am wary to invite him to things for his grandkid(s). I don’t want him showing up and complaining that t-ball is boring. Yes, we all know. The rest of us just suck it up and smile.
Anonymous says
I don’t think of them as useful or valuable but I’m not at the school a lot so I think it’s good to connect with the teacher in person vs. phone/email when I can. Usually we stay a bit and chat with the teacher afterwards. DH and I often use it to double as a date night and go for dinner or drinks afterwards and my parents put the kids to bed.
Anonymous says
Our school does curriculum night, and we usually miss it.
Anon. says
Thank you for saying this. Our daycare curriculum night is this week and I’m trying to give myself guilt-free permission to not go. Seriously, he’s two and at least one parent sees the teacher every single day at drop off. Rationally I know that this is a waste of time, but there’s still a nugget of guilt telling me I should go. Note that I’m sure my (very involved parent) husband has not spent 30 seconds thinking about this.
Anonymous says
Day care curriculum night is not anywhere near as important as elementary school BTS night. I always assumed it was meant to give parents (read: dads) who didn’t do drop-off or pickup a chance to meet the teachers.
Lana Del Raygun says
Day care has a curriculum?
Anon says
Some do. Ours doesn’t and the event is called Parent Night.
Anonymous says
FWIW I always go to elementary school BTS night but i never went to a single daycare BTS type night. DH or I saw the daycare teachers every single day at drop off. At elementary school we are required to drop at the doors, so until parent-teacher interviews in November, this is likely to be the only in-person interaction. There’s frequent email interaction but very little opportunity for in-person interaction.
Anonymous says
Oh jeez – I’m the curriculum night OP and my son is in 2nd grade – definitely skip for daycare! For the record, my husband is a high school teacher and even less interested than me. I mean, I am interested but for various reasons it hasn’t worked out. This year I have to work that night, and I don’t think my husband would find in babysitter worthy. Partly because he’s a teacher for the NYC DOE, he has a really low tolerance for Big Ideas About Pedagogy – he thinks a lot of it is bureaucratic BS/buzz words that don’t have a lot to do with actual student learning.
Anonymous says
It’s definitely bureaucratic BS but it’s not about pedagogy – it’s about relationship building, putting a face to a name. If it’s like ours – the kids have done an art activity for the parents to view and take home. My kid definitely would be disappointed if we didn’t go unless there was a specific reason.
Attendance may vary by school but in the last three years, I can only think of one time that all the parents were not there. If it’s a more poorly attended event at your school, it may not matter as much. Where all the other parents there last year?
Anonymous says
Day care is not school. You’re fine.
Anonymous says
I still go every year. I gain an average one useful piece of information per BTS night–anything from “your kid can take a mulligan on one test per marking period” to “yes, your child is telling the truth when she says I require her to use a cell phone for classwork” to “I have an odd fondness for sheet protectors so every family should donate a large box of them.” In elementary school, many of the teachers would ask parents to leave a note for their child, and your kid would feel very left out if all her classmates got notes and she didn’t. It’s also helpful for the teacher to see your face and understand that you are actively involved.
This year I get to go to two separate BTS nights for one child. Twice the fun!
Anonymous says
I’m going
1. Out of respect for the teacher(s) — they are giving up their evening to make this time available, and I want to support that.
2. To establish a relationship with the teacher. Esp of my 1st grader. He is a high-energy kid (probably ADHD, but ped did not recommend testing until he’s a little older), and I know there will be challenges throughout the year.
3. For my kids
Anon says
These are all good reasons for elementary school parents. Fwiw, I still go even though my kid is in daycare, so #2 and #3 don’t really apply (I talk to the teachers daily and my kid isn’t old enough to understand/care). I still go largely because of #1 and also just being a rule follower in general.
Anonymous says
Yup. People here complain all about the daytime events. Ok cool. At least then show up for the nighttime ones.
EP-er says
I don’t know what your BTS night is like, but I do find it valuable. Ours is about 40 minutes long. We get to meet the teacher, which as a working mom I find really important. The teacher usually reviews classroom policies/procedures: how they best communicate, what are the expectations around homework, what field trips are planned for the year (if I can only do one, I let me kids prioritize which one they would like me to do,) what big units/projects are planned. I also get to see who the parents are in the class room — swap numbers for new best friend, etc. Also, my kids have some minor health things I like to explain in person.
This is based on elementary school — our first middle school night is coming up next week. I second the idea of drinks afterwards — if we have a sitter anyway, we make the most of it!
OP says
OP here- thanks for all the viewpoints and insights. Our school BTS night is in two parts- one is the principal talking to everyone, then the second part of the evening is visiting individual classes. The first part is pretty much a PowerPoint presentation covering stuff that is in the student handbook- This is the part that I find uninteresting. I’m thinking I will just go to the classroom portion of the evening and husband can stay home with the kids. At the school where my kid went for Kindergarten, the students were allowed to come too and they took us to visit the rooms for Art and Music and Gym too, which I found worthwhile. Sitting through PowerPoint presentations just isn’t what I want to do with my evening.
Lana Del Raygun says
Any tips for getting a baby to nap in a noisy environment, or dealing with dropping a nap early?
Mini Lana started at an in-home daycare* and she hasn’t been able to sleep for her morning nap. They can’t put her in a separate room with the door shut because of the licensing rules. She’s 10 months and hadn’t shown any signs of wanting to go to one nap, and I’d rather not move her bedtime up this much (6pm) if we don’t have to. She wakes up early, has some milk, and then sleeps again until it’s time to leave for dropoff. Then she eats and goes to sleep as soon as she gets home in the evening, wakes up in the late evening for more food, and goes to sleep for the night. If this is just how it goes I can make peace with it, but if there’s something we can do to get more awake time at home, I’d like to give it a shot first.
(*Thank you to everyone who offered advice! It’s the one with no dog, although actually because the kid whose slot we were offered didn’t leave after all. Other parents gave great reviews and she really seems to like it.)
Anonymous says
How old is she?
Lana Del Raygun says
10 months old
Anonymous says
2 naps a day would be normal for a 10 mth old. Is she not napping at all? If she’s having a morning nap at home, then an afternoon nap, that’s probably okay. She’ll start being a little less tired in the evenings once the newness of everything at daycare has worn off. Her little brain is working hard all day.
If she’s napping in a pack and play, can they put it in a quiet corner in the same room? Maybe turn down the lights a bit?
Anon says
Not OP, but my daughter went back to sleep after an early morning feed at that age. It was an extension of her night, not a nap, and she took two separate daytime naps until around 14-15 months when she consolidated them into one nap. I’ve always thought that to be a “nap” as opposed to a night feed, the baby needs to be awake for some interval, probably 2-4 hours at that age. My child has high sleep needs though.
Emily S. says
If she’s been there less than a week, maybe give it time and see how she adjusts to the new environment. You might also try keeping her up between feeding and drop off so that she’s too tired to stay up at daycare. That would also give you more awake time at home, albeit in the busy and stressful time of trying to get everyone out the door in the mornings. Consistency between home and daycare always seemed to help my kids, too, so nap time was the same at home as it was at daycare, and after a few days or weeks, they figured it out. However, if she’s fighting morning nap at home, too, after the daycare adjustment period, she may be telling you she’s aging out of it. When that happened for my kids, I tried to be glad that I had more awake time with them but also acknowledged the frustration that I could no longer nap myself.
Lana Del Raygun says
Would you wear boot cut or straight pants with flats? Round toe flats and full-length pants, in case it matters.
Anonymous says
I think boot cut looks better with shoes with a bit of a heel, assuming you’ve hemmed the pants for it.
I wear flats with straight cut.
Anon says
I do not wear heels ever and I own bootcut and straightleg pants, so yes. With round toe, pointy toe and loafers. But no one looks at my feet.
pumping during interview? says
How would you handle pump breaks for a day long interview (and potential evening/dinner event)? I just heard I made it to the second round for a job I really want and the interview will most likely be a half-day event and potentially a dinner. The position would be in government but law enforcement. My thoughts are to learn how to use a handheld pump and just pump for comfort during bathroom breaks, dump it, and to not mention it.
Emily S. says
I would be honest but discreet about your need for breaks throughout the day. In the past, I’ve said something like, “I will need 1-2 breaks of about 15 minutes at X time. Could you please put me in touch with the person who oversees the lactation room so I can ask for access to it?” Using “lactation room” seems to make everyone less squeamish. Setting definite times of relatively short duration smooths it over, too, I think. It also means that future employer will be alerted that you need pumping accommodations when you start. (I know it can cut the other way, too, and can understand why you might be hesitant to telegraph that you will need accommodations.) My request (to a man, btw) was met with, “Sure, you can use this office and I have 2 kids so I understand.” Good luck!
lsw says
I would consider mentioning it, so I wasn’t distracted and worrying about it all day. I would mention it very matter-of-factly and ask for very reasonable accommodations (a ten minute break every two hours or whatever) and I would pump for comfort like you said. Will you be able to pump on the way home? Or is it a short commute home and you can nurse right away?
I say that all with the caveat that this would be a lot easier if I was communicating this to a woman, not a middle aged man.
Anonymous says
I would disclose and ask that the schedule include 15 minute breaks. Often it’s back to back with no breaks at all