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I’ve featured this before, but for some reason this camisole was on my mind yesterday — it was my very favorite camisole for nursing. I liked the tightness (I had the 360 shaping one), and I liked the odd straplessness, where it just attaches to your bra — it made every other camisole feel like I was swimming in straps. It raised the neckline of everything so that it felt appropriate, even with my huge nursing boobs, and didn’t ride up. Win win.
It comes in 14 different colors at Amazon in the basic version, as well as a few other specialty versions (a longer version if you want it peeking out beneath clothes, a shaping version if you want compression, etc, etc). Undercover Mama
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Looking for the best nursing camisoles and tanks? These are great for adding coverage for your belly if you lift your shirt up to nurse…
Above, some of the best bras for nursing and pumping as of 2021: 1) Bravado 2) Cake 3) Natori 4) Wacoal (not pictured but also: Elomi and Kindred Braverly!)
Sales of note for 3.26.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – Up to 40% off your full-price purchase; extra 50% off sale
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- Lands’ End – 10% off your order
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Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – 40% off everything; extra 10% off your purchase with code
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
HSAL says
I never tried this one but I’m intrigued by the idea of using it as a regular camisole, since I also hate attack of the straps.
I had several nursing tanks that I liked for different reasons – the Bravado was the best support for going out, and I loved three styles from Target that worked great, even though I was a 36H (or bigger, I never wore an actual bra on maternity leave) – the plain cotton, the “fluid knit”, and the sleep nursing tank is INSANELY comfortable and I still wear it.
Anon in NOVA says
I wonder if it clips to all bras or just to nursing bras?
POSITA says
There are metal clips that might work for normal bras that have a point of attachment at the top of the cup (like a metal or plastic ring), but they wouldn’t work for most normal bras.
I didn’t like these. They were expensive for a tube of fabric, too thin and liked to ride up. They felt cheap to me. I really wanted to love them, but didn’t.
POSITA says
I also found that the point of attachment often ended up showing with many of my shirts. That might actually be my biggest issue. If I wear this cami with a flannel button down and pick up the baby, if my shirt shifts, you can see the attachment. With a normal cami I feel a lot more covered.
HSAL says
Oh, that’s good info, thanks. Bummer.
Anon says
I loved these and have about 10 of them. I wore them every day when nursing, and still wear them on occasion when I need a light camisole. The non-riding-up compression is really nice, I wish I could justify buying more of those even though my nursing days are over. There’s even a warm weather version, which is my favorite.
They hook to any bra – there are little bands that connect to a nursing bra, or little clips to connect to a real bra.
(Not a paid sponsor, I swear. Just a fanatic who gives these and Bamboobies to every nursing mama I know.)
lsw says
I have never found a tight/compression nursing cami that doesn’t ride up. (Thanks, residual baby weight in my stomach!) Do you size up in these?
M says
I’m not Anon, but I liked these a lot too. I’m usually a S/M and M was snug on me (but perfect for layering under work clothes), so I’d definitely err on the side of larger rather than smaller.
Anon says
The website says to size down, but I stayed on my regular size and was fine. (Normally a L, bought Ls and they were snug but not too tight.)
lsw says
thanks!
RDC says
I really liked them too, especially for pumping at work – I would wear a normal shirt over, and then I could pull the outer shirt up and unlatch / pull this one down to pump and still be mostly covered (my door didn’t lock, and I was also always cold).
Anonymous says
LOVED the Bravado. I still wear them around on weekends even though I finished nursing last year. Anyone know of any similarly supported sized like bra sizing (30C) non-nursing options?
Anonymous says
I still buy bravado tanks for the bra-sized support (32F).
rosie says
Interested to hear feedback on this. I won a $25 gc to their website and was debating whether to try one of these strapless tank things or a nursing br a.
Anon says
How did you decide how many kids to have? My husband and I have been discussing in depth when/if to have a second child, with the primary factor being daycare costs for a second, since we already aren’t maxing out our retirement (although we get the match and contribute a little extra each month), and daycare for a second child would put off our contributions even further. I have two acquaintances who just had their 5th babies (although both are SAHMs so daycare isn’t a factor), but both their husbands make around half what I do, so they probably aren’t doing a whole lot with retirement either. Is this just the trade off for having kids?
October says
This is trite, but think ahead to the future — how do you see your family in 10 or 20 years? Lots of kids around the holiday table, or a small yet sweet group? The cost of kids can seem daunting, but I don’t think raising kids is as expensive as the culture says it *must* be. There are many factors under your control that you can tweak: smaller house, shared rooms, public schools even if they aren’t the *best*, etc. It will probably still be tight in the kid years, but that is a finite period.
For me, the pros outweigh any possible cons. I’m pregnant with #2 and could potentially see two more down the road. My kids won’t always have me, but I dearly hope they will always have each other. Btw #2 wasn’t totally planned — more like we knew it was a possibility and here we are; I like that we didn’t have to agonize over a “decision”, we kind of left it up to fate.
Anon says
Yes but I think you also have to factor in your temperaments and resources. I would love to have a family table with 4-6 kids around it, but if I had that many kids, in real life probably half of them wouldn’t talk to me so wouldn’t be sitting around that table.
DH and I both work full time, and we only have so much energy. With 2 kids, we can give them our full attention and be good parents. I think with 3 or 4 (or more) we’d start to be too stretched, not parent the way we’d like to be able to, have to give up some individuality that keeps us sane, and in general have a less happy household.
I get the idea of picturing your ideal table in 20 years, but you also have to be realistic about how much you can handle in life to be able to maintain those relationships.
Meg Murry says
Yup, I think you have to balance this one out. What is your ideal “around the table” picture – and are you willing and able to tough out the rough years to get there? I always thought I wanted 3-4 kids because so many of the people I knew with great family dynamics had 3-4 (or more) kids – but now I realize that a huge part of that was because the parents were really *good* at parenting those 3-4 kids and managed to arrange their lives in a way that made sense for it (usually a SAH parent or a parent with a really good 20-25 hour part-time job). I realize that while I love my kids, toddler and baby years are super rough on me and adding another kid to the delicate balance I have right now would probably cause me to snap.
For me it’s about mental resources much more than financial (although that may be related – our money stress is way down now that there is a light at the end of the daycare tunnel). I just don’t have it in me to start over with another baby and spread myself thinner, especially with a history of PPD. Giving my kids another sibling is not worth giving them another 3-5 years of a frazzled, exhausted mother dancing along the breaking point.
avocado says
“Giving my kids another sibling is not worth giving them another 3-5 years of a frazzled, exhausted mother dancing along the breaking point.”
This. So much this.
Anon says
I always thought I wanted three. I planned on three, including the day after my youngest (of 2) was born. I was in the hospital recovering and ready to have another.
You don’t hear about it frequently, although anecdotally I think it is common, but having kids triggered PPD in my husband. Severe depression. Now that he is well, and even with all the support and resources that he has, it is not worth jeopardizing his health. It has been a hard truth for me to swallow, but I learning to accept it.
anon says
Oh, you said it. Part of me would love a third kid, but I know myself. It would take too big of a toll on my mental health and the precarious balance we’ve found with two kids and two working parents.
Anonymous says
Anon at 11:29, I can totally relate. Same situation. Not only am I the younger of the two of us, but I have never had any issues with PPD or depression at all. My DH on the other hand has suffered with this for years. Adding even the second was a crushing blow to him, and that’s even with me taking on the majority of the parenting and household tasks. I think it would overwhelm him beyond repair, and likely end our marriage, to have a 3rd, despite the fact that I would totally do so. So we’re a two kid family.
Contemplating a third says
This is a great and interesting thread. We have two and are contemplating a third (through adoption). On one hand, life is busy but I do see as the kids are growing a bit older they are getting easier and spend so much time entertaining and playing with one another that I don’t have to interfere too much. I love the idea of a big family and I was one of two and wished for a larger family. We are also fortunate that we could swing it financially. We also have some family help, which I’m grateful for.
There was never a question we would go for #2, I always wanted my first to have a sibling. And now when I see how much fun and joy they have together, it reaffirms our decision. They love each other to bits.
Anon for this says
We decided on one and done because of our ages and resulting concerns about having a healthy pregnancy/baby*, enough energy to handle two children , and costs in the future — namely paying for college when we’re retired/close to retired.
I think cost is a legit reason, but also consider that daycare costs are relatively short term, as much as that doesn’t feel like the case now, there may be less expensive options for two kids such as a nanny or au pair. However, what are after-care expenses like once they are in elementary school and how much do you want to contribute to college funds.
Anonymous says
Not being able to save as much toward retirement when dealing with daycare costs is pretty common. That’s why my car is ten years old :)
The best advice I’ve heard on this topic is to picture what you want your family to look like in 5 years, 10 years, 15 years. Who is on vacation with you? Who is around the dinner table?
More kids is more work, but there are also many wonderful moments. Having only one child definitely allows more travel and more adventurous travel if that is important to you. I have three but sometimes I do miss what vacations would look like if we just had one. But for our family, more adventurous vacations wouldn’t outweigh our loud crazy house and watching the kids play together and learn from each other.
Anon in NOVA says
To offer an alternate perspective, we’ve only had 1 for a while now, and I do love how “portable” our little family is. Not even just for big trips or adventurous overseas travel. It’s nice to go “hey, let’s go camping at the national forest that’s an hour away this weekend!” and not have so many preparations to do. We went to the national aquarium this weekend and seeing people with youngsters reminded me just how much prep there is to do to get them out of the house, and they still end up miserable half the time!
HOWEVER, if I had been in a position to have two back-to-back, I kind of wish I had done it. But it’s tough to go back to having to pack SO MUCH STUFF every time I leave the house now that I have an elementary schooler!
AwayEmily says
The travel/portability point is such a good one. Families I know with only one kid go on so many fun adventures! We are probably going to try for a second soon because we are homebodies anyway (and our jobs make it tough to travel), but if we were even a little more adventurey, then that would be a huge reason for us to stick with one.
Anon in NYC says
This is one of my husband’s arguments in favor of having an only. His family (and mine) mostly didn’t travel when we were young. A lot of that had to do with finances for both families. We value travel and adventures – both of the big international trip variety, but also just being able to pick up and go somewhere fun locally – and the logistics and cost of two kids seems daunting. He feels like with just one kid we can probably afford to stay in the city (something we both value), and still also afford to have those adventures.
That said, I still think I want two – because I’m envisioning the dinner table 15 years from now. So I think that we’re going to try for a second, but if it doesn’t happen, I think we may draw the line at certain interventions (like IVF).
Anonymous says
I am an only child and my parents took me all over the world on vacation. That kind of travel definitely wouldn’t have been possible if I’d had a sibling, both for logistical and financial reasons. It’s a big part of why my husband and I plan to be one and done.
Anon for this says
I posed above about having an only due to age considerations.
Sometimes I do wish she’d have siblings to grow up with, but I do love our little unit. Even though we’re still in toddler hell — we are pretty flexible and portable. Also, both my H and I have siblings that we’re not close to, so the “dinner table in 20 years” picture isn’t something I’ve experienced.
Anon says
More money to spend on travel, sure, but I think some of what people think of is just…the ease of older kids. Once kids are school-aged and don’t require so many accessories (ha!), they’re a lot more portable. If you have one kid, you reach that stage faster – but that doesn’t mean that someone with four kids doesn’t eventually reach it. Of course, travelling with four means more $$, but I don’t think it’s inherently that much more difficult.
POSITA says
I was the oldest of 4 and we never managed to travel. We were spread out, but we had someone in diapers or potty training until I was 16. Maybe you could get there faster if you had the kids closer together, but that really ups the intensity of having so many young kids all at once. And unless you have multiples, you are still looking at roughly about a decade of diapers (i.e., low portability)
Anon for this says
I was the middle of 3 and we were pretty evenly spread out over 10 years and did do a lot of travel, including international and cross-country trips. It was financially possible because my father’s travel was covered by work expenses, we did a lot of driving and camping, and we didn’t go luxury and were often all in the same room. I think my parents didn’t think it was overwhelming because they did it from the start, so they were used to it.
BUT someone was always bored or upset, because it’s nearly impossible to find something a 6 yr old, a 12 year old, and a 16 yr old all want to do. Other than fight with each other.
Anon in NOVA says
Honestly, I spent A LOT of time agonizing over this, and we decided to go for #2 (#1 is almost 7). Now, 6 months in… #2 hasn’t happened. And I’m not that heartbroken. So maybe it’s not meant to be.
Daycare is a legitimate concern, and to some extent that cost doesn’t ever go away. My son is in a before/after school program that also serves as backup for snow days etc. and it’s $199/week. He’ll be going there this summer at about $1,600 a month. He goes to public school. If #2 happens, we’ll easily be looking at $2,400/month in childcare during the school year, even with one in public school. It really, really stinks.
Cb says
I’ve been thinking a lot about this – I’m pregnant with my first and really think we’re one and done. I don’t love being pregnant (still sick at 22 weeks), we have no local family/help, and nursery is £1000 a month which is a big chunk of our government/academic salaries. It seems selfish but I’m an academic, I’m just getting started in my career, and I don’t want to have to take another mat leave.
When I imagine our future family, I imagine a house where friends are always welcome but then vacations with our little family of 3. I’m an only child so I do think I’m more comfortable with the idea of a small family.
Anon says
We put in a little more than our employer match, but we’re definitely not maxing out. We’re still paying down student debt – and while we do make an effort to pay them off a little early, I’m not crazy stressed trying to pay them down NOW.
We currently have two kids, one will start kindergarten this fall. I’m pregnant with our third, and would seriously consider having one more. We pay a lot in daycare, sure, but our kids are so much fun! (Don’t get me wrong – they’re also crabby and awful and I never have free time and a million other bad things, too, but overall? They’re awesome.)
I always come back to the advice of looking long term. In 20 years, I want that big family.
My husband and I both work full time (plus), but we make it work with little family help. Our only nearby relative is my mom, but she works full time as well and isn’t terribly helpful. I would consider going part time for a few years after this baby, but we’ll see how everything shakes out. :)
avocado says
Hyperemesis, portability, and finite resources were big factors in our conclusion that we were one and done. I did not want to give up parenting my daughter for a year or more so I could spend 9 months throwing up and then the next several months doing nothing but feeding a new baby. I also enjoy being able to give her all kinds of experiences that we wouldn’t be able to provide if we had another kid–travel, theater, concerts, camp, her expensive and time-consuming sport, and hopefully her choice of colleges one day.
Anonymous says
Same here, with all. It took us forever to get pregnant, then the pregnancy was a nightmare (hyperemesis and then nearly miscarried at 12 and 19 weeks), then the birth was high drama, then my son had colic. He was three before I came out of the fog and thought, maybe it’s time to have another baby…but at that point, our marriage wasn’t in the best place. We got through it, but then DS was 5, husband was 40 and the ship had sailed.
The great thing about having only one is that we have both the time and the financial resources to have him in whatever activities he wants to do, take great vacations, and still put away money for retirement and his college. I do worry about him being alone later, but at the same time, I have a sibling – a brother – and we have no relationship. He’s struggled a lot in life and while we’re cordial, it’s pretty strained. He won’t be in any position to help me when my parents get older. So, I’m on my own. And my husband had a brother who died and he grew up as an only…so having two kids doesn’t mean there’s a built-in support system for each other as they get older.
In a perfect world, I would probably have had another child, but I don’t have big regret or anything.
lsw says
We’re thinking a lot about this too. We have a 10 year old (my stepdaughter) half time and an 8 month old. We’re both 37 (or, I will be in a month) so there’s a real now or never feeling for me. My husband went from saying “definitely not one more, we’re too old” to saying “maybe”, and I’m just not sure. Our baby right now is pretty easy, all things considered, but if we have a second baby and I’m 39 or 40 and he or she doesn’t sleep or is colicky, argh! And then there are the daycare costs too, of course. I think the main thing that brings me back to having another is how much I love having a brother so close in age to me.
EB0220 says
We now have 2, and are done. My husband doesn’t want more than 2. I looove babies and would ideally have 3-4. However, now that I have some distance from the snuggly baby years, I am pretty content with 2. It’s nice to have a 1:1 parent to child ratio. We can give them the amount of attention that feels right to us. Activities won’t get too overwhelming. Adult child logistics won’t be too hard.
CPA Lady says
We were both ambivalent about having any at all. So we settled on one. I could maybe be convinced to have another, but I’m also happy with one and my husband is very very firmly one and done. I’m really enjoying it. Closing the door on more (which we’re doing permanently next week, actually) lets me plan for our future in a more concrete way. The only debt we have is our house (LCOL), and we’re paying it off aggressively over the next 5-7 years so we can build up a large savings cushion and then comfortably cash flow stupidly expensive private middle and high school and probably college. We couldn’t do that if we had two. We’d have to move to a different school district. We’re both putting 15% into our retirement accounts, and I’d prefer for that number to be higher, since we are just having one and I never want to have to burden her with our expenses later in life.
I also like the idea of parenting with more of a sense of companionship rather than authority (I’ll put my foot down when I need to, but that’s not how I want to live overall). I want to be able to take my daughter to do what she wants to do, but also take her along for what I want to do. That seems much easier with one. I have also never wanted a 100% kid-focused life. The idea of a minivan and squabbling children makes me want to rip my hair out. I also know that I’m a flawed and impatient person and several children would likely push me past my personal breaking point.
I look to the future and try to imagine some kind of thanksgiving with a huge family gathered around a table, and I’m kinda meh on that. What I do imagine is the three of us spending thanksgiving vacation on an exotic trip together.
Anonymous says
“What I do imagine is the three of us spending thanksgiving vacation on an exotic trip together.”
A former boss/current friend only had one child and they just spent Christmas with her son and his girlfriend in Tulum. I was like, sounds good to me!
POSITA says
We’re fortunate to be in a position where we don’t feel like our finances or age made the decision for us.
We decided to stop at two. It just feels right. I love watching them interact as siblings. But given my own limitations, I know that I’d rather be a happy, engaged mom than a stressed out, exhausted and angry mom. I couldn’t easily handle the chaos of three and work ft. Frankly, I like my job and I don’t want to adjust my career to find time to make it work. Adjusting my career would also create financial pressures that we don’t have right now. We have a great balance with two and three would upset that balance. I’m sure we’d probably work it out eventually, but I don’t want to find out.
anon says
I feel the same way, and I also am fortunate that I haven’t spent much time agonizing over the decision. Literally hours after giving birth to my second, I just knew we were *done.* When she joined our family, it felt complete. There are times when I ache for a baby again, but the daily reality of what it would take to add to our family usually stops that quickly. I really think a third child would push us to the edge. I’m just not enough of a go-with-the-flow type to easily handle lots of kids, especially while working full time.
Anonymous says
I always wanted to have an only. I was an only and saw a lot of upsides (finances, travel, relationship with parents, etc) and few downsides. My mom also would always tell me about how much easier it was to balance career and family with just one. My parents and husband all have siblings, but none of them have a close sibling relationship so I always knew it’s not a guarantee that you’re making insta-besties for life. Now that DD is 18 months, I’m only more confident that I just want one. The idea that we’ll be done with nursing and diapers completely within about a year is thrilling and I don’t want to start that clock over again. I also hated being pregnant. Husband would like a second, but recognizes that it’s fair that the person who wants fewer kids wins (especially when said person is the one who has to go through the physical stress of pregnancy/delivery/nursing/pumping) so we’re almost certainly one and done. Probably won’t make it permanent until DD is at least 3 though.
Anonymous says
Honestly, I wish I could say I took the long view, but it was more like, think how much you hated being pregnant (36 weeks of nausea), how hard that first year was, and how your NYC apartment isn’t getting bigger, how you would afford 2 kids in daycare…. Financially it would be really hard for us, and we don’t want to move to the suburbs, give up more of our home office/project space, etc. I probably would have gone along with a second if my husband was game–I’m definitely ambivalent–but he was sure he was one and done. He and his only sibling have never ever gotten along, so he doesn’t see siblings as a gift. My husband was also 43 when our son was born, and feels like he is going to be too old to be parenting teenagers in 18 years. He is a high school teacher and knows of what he speaks.
anonforthis says
It was really interesting to read all these responses. I had a very unique situation, in that I had a sibling, but he had a terminal illness. Much of my childhood memories of him are about his care/hospitals/etc; we never had an adult sibling relationship, and for most of my childhood I was an only child. I hated it, but I wonder if that was because I (and my parents) felt robbed, not because being an only child is actually awful. I used to beg my mom to adopt a sibling for me!
So I always knew I wanted to have at least 2; husband has a brother and they are very close, so he also wants at least 2. With finances, we would shift to a nanny or au pair with 2+ and I think we could make it work, though it’d be tight. With 1 we are still able to max out retirement and make other investments we want to make.
anon says
My husband and I were having this discussion yesterday. When I was younger (early-mid 20s, pre-husband and kids), I envisioned 3, maybe 4 kids. Once I actually got to the stage of my life of having kids, my career was more established and it turns out I don’t enjoy pregnancy or infanthood (and my pregnancy was extremely easy). My first kid was born when I was 33 and I thought I was one and done for a few years, although my husband would have wanted two (but was okay with one). I loved the idea of our little trio, and even though we aren’t really huge travelers (we’d like to be, but our work schedules prohibit that to some degree), I liked that we could in theory have more adventures as just the three of us.
It wasn’t until my grandparent passed away and I saw how my mom and her siblings leaned on each other that I decided I wanted to offer that possibility to my daughter. (Obviously, there’s no guarantee that she would have that relationship with her sibling.) So here I am, pregnant with #2, who will be born when my daughter is 4. And now that we’re having two, I’m back to wanting 3-4. (Something about two just feels like it’s not the right balance for me, even though so many people have told me that the world is built for 4-person families.) But given my age (I’d likely be 40+ by the time a third was born), we’re probably done after this one.
On a related note, do any of you have experience with having three kids, two full-time working parents (or one, if it is a single-parent home), and no family nearby? Almost everyone I know with three kids has a full-time or part-time stay at home parent and/or lots of local family. We’d have neither, and I think that’s one of the biggest concerns for my husband in considering having a third.
Anonymous says
I have three (by accident not choice – twins w/o IVF). Three definitely changes the dynamics. It has been a much harder adjustment vs. friends who went from 1 to 2. The world is built for 4 person families. We make it work with my parents who are very involved. Also, I’ve had to significantly adjust my expectations – the kids can’t take all the different lessons or go to all the birthday parties. We limit to one party per kid per weekend. Two activities at a time per kid (skating/ballet in winter, soccer/swimming in summer right now). Logistics are challenging – a great nanny would make it easier but I wanted the twins in preschool for socialization with other kids.
Do you have any local close friends who are not having kids and whose parents you click with? My great aunt (not local to me) whose only son lives on the other side of the country, has become sort of an honorary grandma to her neighbors kids. She has pinch hit on drop offs/pick ups sometimes, and the parents have presents delivered to her house at Christmas so the kids don’t see them. I don’t think they formally compensate her, they are super generous with gifting – e.g. snowclearing service for the winter, and they see each other regularly like she’ll cook a turkey on Sundays and bring it next door to share Sunday dinner together.
shortperson says
my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, lived with it for a year, and then died when i was in my mid-twenties. my siblings were critical during that period and much more important to me now that i dont have a mother to talk to, a family home to visit for major holidays, etc. i recently watched a friend that is an only go through the same experience and it was awful. so i am unwilling to consider having only one.
as for three, it depends. i feel like my biglaw firm is very forgiving for one or two children but not for a third. i think we’ll wait to see where we are in several years.
Anonymous says
“my siblings were critical during that period and much more important to me now that i dont have a mother to talk to, a family home to visit for major holidays, etc. i recently watched a friend that is an only go through the same experience and it was awful. so i am unwilling to consider having only one.”
This is a nice idea in theory, but you know that having two kids is by no means a guarantee that things will work out this way, right? My father and his sister hate each other and haven’t spoken in 20 years (and that time period includes the loss of their mother). I have a good friend who has a mentally ill, drug-addicted brother who will not only not help her with her their parents but will be an additional financial and emotional burden on her after their passing (and although that is admittedly an extreme case, I know *many* people who found their siblings to be a burden rather than an asset when it came to managing the care of elderly parents). My mother and her best friend are both only children and were a huge source of logistical and emotional support for each other at the end of their respective mothers’ lives. She was much less alone as an only child during the loss of her mother than my father, who has a sibling, was. You just never know how life is going to go. Have two kids if you want two kids, but I think being unwilling to have only one for this reason is a little misguided.
shortperson says
obviously. but if you only have one then there’s no chance. anyway that’s not the only reason i chose to have more than one, there are many reasons, but the critical base reason for me. but you do you.
bluefield says
It may not work out, but if you have no siblings you will have no sibling support. If you have siblings, you have a greater than zero chance at sibling support. There are anecdotes about siblings who hate each other, but most siblings at least get along with each other and can stand to be in the same room while figuring out parental-care logistics, and many siblings have great relationships. I think giving your child a sibling support system is a great reason to have more than one kid.
Anon says
My sister died when I was 10. I think my mom would not have made it without *my* support / sharing of grief and loss during that time. More family gives you at least the possibility of support during times of tragedy. Rational or not, living through the unexpected death of a family member has absolutely informed my thought process in determining family size.
SC says
I don’t know that “we” have decided yet, but I am leaning strongly toward “one and done” because I had a very difficult/high-risk pregnancy, I make twice as much money as my husband but still not enough to save much while we pay for daycare, and my new job doesn’t have any paid medical/maternity leave (my previous job gave me medical leave when I was put on bed rest, then full maternity leave). Also, husband just started a job where he’ll be traveling 40% of the time, and there’s no way I could solo-parent a toddler in the middle of a pregnancy like the last one. I know every pregnancy is different, but I don’t want to take the chance of another complicated pregnancy, both for my own health and the baby’s health and my career/ability to support our family. I would consider adoption, but DH isn’t interested.
Anonymous says
Somewhat relevant to this discussion, did anyone else see this “study” from a personality test company about how personality affects parenthood? I was particularly interested to see which Myers-Briggs personality types tend to have more kids.
https://www.truity.com/sites/default/files/PersonalityTypeParenting-Report.pdf
EBMom says
This is great, thanks for posting the link!
Anon says
Sadly, biology made that “choice” for us – my husband and I are older, and I wish now that we’d started having children earlier (no medical issues for us other than age, I’ve checked). It’s unfortunate because I actually loved being pregnant and was very fortunate not to experience any negative side effects – no nausea, no foot swelling, no stretch marks, and I lost all the weight (and then some) within 2 months. I had a special talent for being pregnant.
I’m slowing making peace with the fact that our son will be an only – I suppose a pregnancy is still technically possible, but we’re going on 2 years of trying, and the cost/emotional investment of pursuing IVF etc. isn’t the right one for our family, for various reasons. I’m warming up to adoption, but husband isn’t quite there yet.
For us, we wanted more than one because we both enjoy close relationships with our siblings, we can afford it, and we both really just love being parents. It’s sad to think that we won’t ever have those months of anticipation that come from a wanted pregnancy … or those sweet first moments at the hospital … or that complete joy / terror that comes when you kid first starts crawling or walking, and moving on his or her own steam. There are benefits to having a smaller family, sure – but some of the negatives that can come with a larger family (costs, no local family support, uncertainty with jobs and career, etc.) aren’t issues for us.
Sigh.
ElisaR says
Unrelated PSA – I’m trying to be a little less spendy these days, but I just got a new shipment from MM Lafleur. Most of what I ordered is just not working w/ my post-pregnancy body (I’m a year out when does that excuse get old?) But I am loving the Deneuve top for hiding my lingering lumpiness….. Just thought I’d share!
NewMomAnon says
Well, I’m three years pp and still have yet to find jeans that flatter my new hips. Soo….that excuse might never get old.
CPA Lady says
^ same. Ugh. I hate pants. They look like a good idea and then they’re pressing on my stomach, and tight in the hips and giant in the legs and I look stupid.
I’m the same weight and roughly the same size, but I just have no clue how to deal with how things have redistributed themselves. A defined waist used to be the answer, but that was before I had this pooch situation going on. Now I’m not even sure what is flattering anymore. If there were a “how not to look like a lump” class I would take it. I keep wondering if some kind of spanx is the answer, but again, I don’t like things that press on my tummy.
Rainbow Hair says
Ugh, kid is sick AGAIN. It’s nothing serious, so far, just a fever and sleeplessness and all coughing and all of that, but I am *so frustrated* because I just can’t get into a routine. Particularly, a gym routine.
Since like Thanksgiving, someone has been sick or I have been traveling or we’ve had guests like every week. I just want to bop around at Zumba or, hell, sit on the stationary bike for half an hour and get sweaty… and seriously every time I’m like, “ok, gym bag packed for tomorrow” I seem to wake up at midnight to a wailing, fevery kid.
She’s two, been in daycare for just over a year. Please tell me this gets better?
Anon in NYC says
Serious commiseration. I just finished up a round of antibiotics last week after a month-long illness caused by my toddler AND I’m sick again. I haven’t been to the gym in weeks. I’m so over it.
Anon says
Are you me? I got like one good week after we all gave multiple rounds of the “real” flu to each other. We used that to go on a short vacation. Now 3 of 4 of us have a cold and infections again. I haven’t been to the gym since the first week of January. I’m so over all this sickness and cold and sleeplesness.
Anonymous says
My husband and I have been joking lately that the next time our 2-year-old wakes up at 5:30, he’s going to have to go for a swim or a run and we’ll stay in bed, thanks very much.
Anonymous says
It does get better, but this is also why I started working out at home. Fitnessblender.com, use on of their 8 week workout plans for busy people (30 minutes or less a day), can be done with sick kid watching Paw Patrol nearby. It gets the job done.
Anonymous says
PS – I don’t mean to sound smug about working out at home. I didn’t even start working out again until my kid was 2. And I’m still kind of fat, just fitter fat. And my 4 year old son has had 4 fevers since January.
JuniorMinion says
I have no children, but have had a crazy work schedule in the past and their workouts have transformed my life. Additionally I have minimal excuses now that its literally 15 feet from my bedroom and I don’t even need real clothes….
Rainbow Hair says
That’s good advice. I’m only trying to be the less-anxious-still-fat person I am when I get sweaty three times a week, but damn it’s not easy.
How do you motivate yourself to do Fitnessblender? Do you do it in your bedroom after the kid is asleep?
Anonymous says
I work out first thing in the morning, right when I wake up, which is generally before my husband and son get up (right now – waking schedules have varied at different points). I don’t eat or anything first, I just put on my workout clothes (I wear the same nasty outfit for workouts all week and hang it to dry afterwards), go downstairs to the living room, and start a video on my phone. This way if my husband and son do get up before I’m done, they can use the TV and laptop for their morning screen time routines, and I can move to another part of the room if I need more space (we live in an apartment). I frankly prefer not having an audience and listening to music while exercising, but I’ve let both go to some extent out of necessity. Anyway, if I can avoid procrastinating in bed before starting, the whole routine only adds about 35-40 minutes to my morning, which for me is much more doable than getting to the gym. With a younger child you might need to be sure you are done before they wake up, depending on whether you have a partner who can handle breakfast, etc. It’s definitely easier if you don’t get interrupted, but you can stop and start if necessary. I personally would never be able to motivate myself to get this done at the end of the day – too tired, digestion issues, etc. FWIW, I also find it easier to workout during the week when I will be sitting at a desk all day. If I do it on the weekend it can sometimes leave me too tired for to run the gauntlet of laundry/cooking/cleaning/playing with my son.
Anonymous says
One more thing – for motivation, I ask myself, will I regret working out? The answer is almost never yes, but I WILL often regret not working out.
Famouscait says
Just a brief vent about that experience of dissonance between your adult self and the version your family still holds on to. I just got under contract on a beautiful, historical home, and my mom commented on how “You sister and I were so surprised – your style is so modern and contemporary”. Well, actually it’s not, and hasn’t been for the last 10 years or more. She wasn’t trying to be passive aggressive, but I just wish she hadn’t said that.
It’s like if/when we go clothes shopping together, and she pulls things for me that my 18 year-old self would have loved! All sequins and frou-frou…
Pogo says
My mom is like this too. “You eat such adventurous things now like sushi! I couldn’t even get you to eat mushrooms!”
Yes mom. I was a child. I have lived away from you for 10+ years now.
rosie says
My restaurant manners really are so much better now than when I was 2, though. I mean, it’s been years since I threw spaghetti on the floor.
SBJ says
Ugh, yes. I feel this way with my parents ALL. THE. TIME. Nothing pushes my buttons faster than my parents forgetting I’m not the same person I was when I was a kid or assuming that I automatically agree with them on particular issues because we’re from the same family. I feel like it’s especially worse now that I have a kid, too, and they’re reminded again of my childhood, so whatever traits they think still apply are fresh in their minds.
Momata says
YES THIS. My mom and I are estranged, but when we do talk she always points to ways in which my tastes or priorities have changed as evidence that my evil husband has brainwashed me. No, Mom. I became an adult (i.e. got out from under your oppressive roof), had some breathing room to discover who I am, and you know what? I’m a different person than I was when I was fourteen and swallowed everything you told me. Glad to know this happens in more normal relationships as well.
POSITA says
So true and frustrating. I was really difficult as a hormonal 11-13 year old. My parents still peg me as difficult based on that assessment.
EB0220 says
I have a ridiculous question, but you all are such a treasure trove of ideas. My girls have really high butt cracks. (They inherited this from me.) Has anyone noticed particular brands of pants that have really high waists for kids? Or should I just size up?
Anonymous says
Hahaha sorry if it’s not appropriate to laugh, but my string bean little boy has this problem because his pants are always too wide. After about 6 months of going plumber-style, we’ve finally had good luck with slim Gap and Children’s Place pants for him, which he seems to be able to comfortably pull up to around his waist.
EB0220 says
Haha, no, it’s completely appropriate to laugh. I find it hilarious.
Anonymous says
Wait, how can you be sure it is unusually high (and not just pants riding low) – have you measured? (That is the kind of thing I would do. I say this as the proud mother of a child with a massive, off the growth chart-sized head).
Anon in NYC says
Have you tried Hanna Andersson? My daughter is pretty tall for her age and slightly above average weight-wise. Hanna Andersson pants work well for her – they hide her diaper completely but aren’t too loose at the waist.
EB0220 says
Haven’t tried Hanna Andersson but I will! Thanks!
Anonymous says
+1 to HA for higher waists.
If they are slender so the pants are slipping down, I recommend Lands End.
Rainbow Hair says
My sister taught me to tie a hair rubber band between the back belt loops of shorts to keep them on her skinny kids. It’s not an elegant solution, but it works!
Anonymous says
Brilliant. Does it interfere with them using the potty? Signed, mother of a kid who went to school for two days in a row with a rubber band around his shoes because his velcro strap fell apart
NewMomAnon says
I hot glued a strap in place on a pair of kiddo’s shoes because the velcro ripped off on side. Solidarity.
Rainbow Hair says
Oh I don’t know. Kiddo is still in diapers (making the waist to hips ratio really something!) but I imagine it wouldn’t be a big problem because it’s stretchy.
Paging crib bumpers says
Late, but in case you’re reading today–we used mesh crib bumpers starting around 7/7.5 months, and I don’t have strong feelings either way. We started after kiddo got his arm pretty stuck between the slats and the wall and we felt guilty, but he also learned how to not do that after a fairly short period of time (and he’s a wanderer in his sleep–he ranges the full length and width of his crib during the night). I did check with our pediatrician before using them, who said while the AAP recommends against them, she did use them with her kids after she held them up to her face and checked how breathable they were (very). The only caution she gave was to keep the ties well out of reach so the kid can’t untie them. Once he started standing in his crib, they just became an additional thing for him to stand on and we stopped using them.
TL;DR: Strongly neutral on mesh bumpers, despite having used them.
Anon for this says
This morning it became clear to me that, even though he might not be aware of it, my husband doesn’t like me. And I am not sure I like him. We love each other, and are both totally invested in staying married. But we do not enjoy being around one another and I’d go so far as to say I annoy him most of the time, which makes me self-conscious and only compounds the problem. From my perspective, it is not fun spending time with someone who doesn’t enjoy your company. And it’s done a huge number on my self-esteem.
Here is what he said I should try to do differently:
-Stop trying to take cues from him
-Stop trying to control everything
-Be more aware of time
-Go with the flow more
-Stop apologizing and worrying so much
-Stop trying to take on too many household responsibilities
I have no frame of reference for how to both go with the flow more and be more aware of time. I’ve signed up with a therapist because clearly I can’t fix myself on my own. But I thought I’d ask, has anyone else gone through something like this? Can you fall back “in like” with your spouse? If it’s relevant, we’ve been together almost a decade, married for about half of that.
Anonymous says
My husband and I got stuck in a dynamic like that. I felt that everything I said was being taken as criticism and he was reacting defensively about everything. I felt like I couldn’t breathe in my own house. We worked with a Gottman trained counselor and after 8 months, things are really better. We had previously done marriage counselling with someone who wasn’t specialized and it wasn’t effective. We do biweekly 1.5 hour appointments. The 1 hour appointments with the other counselor just were not helping us make progress. A key reason that the Gottman method worked for us is that our issues were very much about how we communicated (no abuse, no alcohol/drug issues, no affairs). Gottman identifies 4 horsemen of divorce (contempt, defensiveness, criticism, stonewalling) and we were doing 2/4 a lot so we had to relearn how we spoke to each other. It worked for us. DH is gone on business this week and I genuinely miss hanging out with him after the kids are in bed. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
NewMomAnon says
This sounds like at least he is depressed and/or anxious, and maybe both of you. Him being irritated that you are not “aware of time” is not a constructive criticism of you, it is a reflection of his inner mental status. There is literally nothing you can change about yourself to make him less irritated with you.
I say that because I think you are going to get something very different out of therapy than what you expect. A good therapist is going to push you to see that you are not broken, and try to help you reframe your response to criticisms like this. Therapy will probably empower you to push back and say, no, this isn’t my problem.
Both of you need to be in solo therapy. I know the inclination is to do couples counseling, but my experience with couples counseling is that it’s garbage if one or both parties lacks the self-awareness to understand their own mental status.
Anonymous says
But doesn’t a good couples counselor do solo sessions with each participant as well as joint sessions and refer as needed for additional solo therapy or medication? For example, my DH did some sessions with our counselor to address how grieving a parent’s death was affecting our relationship.
NewMomAnon says
I don’t know how a good counselor operates – I went to one referred by my EAP, and it was bad, bad, bad. He should have separated us immediately into solo sessions, instead of trying to steamroll both of us into submitting to the other. But if they are going to recommend for solo sessions anyway, why not just start there?
Anon says
A couples counselor’s focus is on the relationship between two people, not on the underlying issues of the individuals involved. My DH suffered from severe depression for a long time. When we tried to see a couple’s counselor, we were told point blank that our relationship would only ever be as good as DH’s depression allowed. At first I was upset by the counselor’s statement, but there is a great deal of truth to it. Depression makes the person suffering critical of his/her world and those in it. I have also found that it kept my husband from being able to see the impact that his words and actions had on anyone but himself. He was drowning, flailing for help and, much like a drowning person, would pull someone down just to try and get his head above water for a moment. Also, depression is terribly contagious. This is a long-winded way of saying that you both have to work on yourselves. Get individual counseling first.
Anon for this says
This is blowing my mind. You have just articulated exactly what is happening to me right now. My husband is extremely critical of me and our daughter and has told me that my bad parenting is ruining his life. He has me constantly apologizing and walking on eggshells and starting to believe that I am a failure and am the one going crazy.
OP, it definitely sounds like your husband is suffering from depression. If you are going to start individual counseling, make sure your counselor is a good fit for you and don’t settle for anything less. Try several if you need to. A bad counselor will only exacerbate the situation.
Rainbow Hair says
It’s hard for me to tell how much of this is coming from your husband’s actual words, or from your interpretation of less explicit things. When I was really messed up with PPD/A I was afraid we might be heading for divorce. I couldn’t do anything right, I was a constant disappointment and annoyance, and my husband definitely could barely stand me. Once I got meds and therapy rolling, I realized those things were not real! They were my anxiety and depression telling me lies. I mean, I probably did annoy him by crying / raging all the time, but he loved and liked me and was rooting for me to get better. And better I got.
On the other hand, if he’s saying those things, therapy will be great to help you realize he’s wrong on some, and how to work on others.
EB0220 says
My husband and I have gone through periods like this off and on. The biggest improvement for me has been to listen and interpret when he makes blanket statements similar to the ones you describe. For example, if I’m patient and draw him out, “you need to stop coddling the kids” becomes “I read in an article that kids really benefit from doing things independently, maybe we should consider letting them get dressed/play outside/whatever on their own.” We always have to talk for a bit but eventually we get to the root of it – possibly over days or weeks. I also realized that some criticisms are really just a reflection of his own worries/fears/insecurities. Again, it’s a matter of being patient, not jumping to conclusions and letting these things work themselves to the surface. This communication style used to annoy me, but now I feel that our differences make us balanced and we each bring strengths and weaknesses to our relationship. So I just roll with it.
Anon for this says
OP here. Thank you so much for this perspective. I think individual counseling is going to be helpful for me and I’m excited about trying something new. But these words were game-changing for us last night. I did not express anger or resentment about our discussion outlined above, and instead was just open. I think the real concern was that my husband wants us to change up our routine a bit, which I’m actually also on board with. We had a good talk and a better gardening party than in a looooong time, and I’m generally optimistic that at least half the dislike I perceive is actually my own projection.
That said, this dynamic has gotten me to do some amazing things that I highly recommend if this rings true for you. At the advice of good old Melody Beattie, I’ve been making a list of things that give me energy, that I enjoy, and that I’m good at. And I’ve been trying to just do them. Definitely needed to focus on filling my own cup more, rather than focusing my energy on making everyone else happy. Work has also been crazy, and I’ve been neglecting basic self-care stuff to attend to all my clients’ needs. No longer a critical time, and I’m intentionally using the next few weeks to catch up, do things like get my teeth cleaned, and not stay until 8:30 or 9 every night (most people leave by 6).
Anon says
I don’t remember how much of this story I told here, so I apologize if I’m repeating myself, but my husband berated me after I pointed out a setting on our dishwasher and called me wasteful and asked if I ever even thought about the future.
After the initial argument was over, we had a conversation where I told him that I thought he didn’t like me or respect me. He agreed that he could see how I would think that but that he did like me and respect me. He’s been working on it. We’ve worked through one of the Gottman books before years ago and I think it’s time to do it again. We’re in a very similar situation– together 15 years, married 10. We love each other but are kind of sick of each other’s sh&t and not very nice sometimes. He’s kind of depressed, I’m kind of anxious, and then I read all these people saying “being married is the easiest thing I’ve ever done” and I wonder if something in my life has gone horribly wrong.
Anon says
Which book did you work through? I think you may have just described my life…
Anon says
The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work
NewMomAnon says
*sigh* Kiddo was sent home from preschool with “pink eye” which sounds like it’s probably actually an ear infection. This was supposed to be her night for dinner with her dad, and I was going to work late-ish and then start some laundry. Instead, he offered to pick her up from preschool and take her during the day (yay!) because there is a thing he wants to do tonight, and then I take her for dinner (boo). And then it crept to me meeting them at the pediatrician’s office at 4:30, which means my “work late-ish” day turned into “work until 5” and then got cut to “work until 4.”
I know it’s better than “home all day, scramble to get all work done in 2.5 hours of evening quiet” but it still feels unfair.
Anon in NYC says
That does sound hugely unfair and I’m annoyed on your behalf. I mean, your ex wasn’t going to be able to do the thing he now wants to do tonight anyway because he was supposed to have dinner with your kid! So why does he get to drop a sick kid off in your lap now?!
lsw says
Tips for getting out banana stains?
October says
After they’ve gone in the dryer? I don’t know. Before? Stain stick that night, then on wash day soak in lukewarm water for 30-60 min, rub with fels naptha soap, and wait another 20+ minutes before washing. A bit of a pain, but this is what I do for all my stains and it works 90% of the time.
I remember being so surprised that something as neutral colored as a banana could stain so badly.