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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anon says
Yesterday, there was a great discussion about managing Biglaw hours with a baby. I wanted to add that one thing that helped me was bookkeeping my weekly hours starting on Saturday morning. This meant that any weekend hours put me ahead for the coming week, rather than feeling like catch up for hours I hadn’t billed for the prior week. It is a slight change in perspective, but it felt better to be working ahead…like I was a super mom. If I had a good weekend, I’d use those extra hours to pad my week and I’d go to bed earlier or to spend guilt-free time with my kid or even by myself.
YMMV, but I had a steady practice and pretty constant hours every week and found this really helped my state of mind.
Ashley says
This is such a great idea!
TheElms says
This is genius and a fantastic example of why this site is so wonderful. This never ever would have occurred to me but I can see it making a huge difference to my mindset.
Anon says
Doesn’t the firm determine what the “billing week” is though? I don’t see how this works unless you own your own practice.
TheElms says
My firm only cares how many hours I bill a year — how I get there in the course of a year is largely up to me.
SC says
Both firms I’ve worked at have a monthly billing cycle and don’t track what you bill week-to-week. So “booking” your weekend work to the following week is a matter of perspective.
anon says
Yes, my firm only cared about annual hours.
To the extent they ever looked at monthly hours to determine associate capacity, the difference in bookkeeping would only be by a weekend, which is really in the noise. I did my own personal bookkeeping to make sure that I was keeping up.
Anon says
I do this too.
anon says
I’m not even in law, and this sounds like a fantastic idea.
Cb says
Right? I make a fresh to do list on Friday PM and sometimes work over the weekend. Just reframing it as getting ahead on the coming week rather than catching up would be super helpful.
Anonymous says
I am traveling on a plane with my 1 yo tomorrow for the first time. On the reservation I put him as a lap infant. However, I just checked in and didn’t get a boarding pass for him. We’re flying United. Is this normal? Thanks all!
Annie says
Normal. You need to check in before security in person instead of using one of the machines or just using your email. They’ll print a boarding pass for your kid there.
JTM says
I’d call and confirm that they still have your lap child listed – most likely it never actually got recorded.
Anonymous says
Thank you both! I just called and he’s on the res, so I will get his pass when I check-in in person. Appreciate it!
Clementine says
I know that this too shall pass; however…
This morning I tried to wake up extra early to have some time to work and just sit quietly before the house woke up. 4 year old had to also come down and sit on my lap. Feeling like a bad mom because I caved and let him watch a show because he had met all my conditions (fully dressed, breakfast consumed, dog fed) a full 45 minutes before we have to load up.
Then at school, teacher pulled me aside… my kid knows he’s funny and it’s awful and we need a behavior chart now… Great. Failure as a parent #2.
Feeling like I need to give up every bit of personal time and sanity I have in order to optimize the environment for my kids and hold my job together. Not digging it.
Jeffiner says
Your kid got dressed, ate breakfast, and fed the dog 45 minutes before you had to leave? You’re an awesome mom. I would reward my kid with TV for that, too.
avocado says
Yes, I’d call that a parenting success, not a failure!
Anonymous says
Right? Like I’ve caved to the point of letting my 5 year olds watch 15 mins of tv while I dress them because my patience before my second cup of coffee is like minus 10.
AwayEmily says
We do this as a matter of routine! Half a Daniel Tiger gives us exactly enough time to dress two kids, brush their hair, and do any final gathering of our own stuff. I could not survive without our ten minutes of morning screentime.
Jeffiner says
We do too! We’ll even turn the TV on specifically to brush her hair. How can you put ponytails in if the kid’s head isn’t still?
Anonymous says
Why is any of this bad mom-ing
Anon says
Why is knowing that he’s funny a bad thing? He sounds like a delightful little kid. I would have pushed back on that teacher hard.
Clementine says
Erm, not when it’s disrupting class and involves him not listening. He’s also very young for his class (November birthday) and very smart, but is going to do 2 rounds of Pre-K because of the social skills part.
Anon says
“Disrupting the class” is a thing in pre-K? The teachers expectations sound super high.
mahnamahna says
I’m late to this thread but I’m also the mom of a very funny and immature boy who struggled with meeting behavior expectations in pre-K. We did eventually get an ADHD diagnosis, but in hindsight, I see now that the pre-K teacher’s expectations were way too high for his age. Her behavior management system was more complicated than anything we’ve encountered since entering school and he’s in 2nd grade now.
I think it is probably wise to do 2 rounds of pre-K given his November bday but I would not get too bent out of shape about the pre-K teacher. And also, behavior charts were useless with my child. Also also, my boy is quite the charmer and is adept at using his charm to win over teachers even when he’s disruptive (IMO an invaluable skill that can’t be taught). I have sat in many a conference where his teachers lay out behaviors that need improvement, but it always ends with them going on and on about how much they love him. Talk with your ped about this for some reassurance too about appropriate behavior.
Anonymous says
Thank you – and yes, he is funny and charming and I have no doubt he’ll be a charismatic adult.
This teacher seems to have reasonable expectations and I’m actually very knowledgable on developmentally appropriate behavior… the issues we’re having are things like, ‘He colored on his friend’s shirt today because he wanted to make it pretty. Friend said it was okay.’
Moreso, it’s testing boundaries… it’s killing me. KILLING MEEEEEE.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Neither of these are failures. I’m not sure I even understand the teacher’s point in two – was he making other kids laugh or something? What’s so wrong with that?
Repeat this as much as you need to – a sane, happy mom is what’s best for the kids. All of the other stuff is just details. You do not need to give up all of your sanity and personal time. I struggle with this too, a lot, especially on the TV and sweets points. But is having me yell at my kid for running around or throwing something again and again really better than just having him watch TV for 30 min at night while I chill?
Clementine says
Gah, I know. When does the guilt stop though?
Anonymous says
Two options for when the guilt stops:
A. When you accept that you are doing the best you can and you accept that it is okay to not feel guilty for what you can’t do
B. Never
Option A is hard AF but that’s what I work on everyday.
Emily S. says
Clementine, I feel you on the frustration (dare I say even soul killing?) of the chronic feeling like you need to give up your personal time and sanity to give your kids and family the best I laugh out loud when my well meaning child-free best friend asks if I can’t just take some time for myself. I rattle off all the reasons why not in my head and just say thanks for thinking of me. No advice, just commiseration from the trenches with my own 4 and 2 year olds. Yes, this too shall pass (hopefully tomorrow!)
Anon says
My toddler watched 2 disney movies last night because I had last minute late night work that had to be done and DH was dealing with other fires. She’s still happy and healthy this morning and still loves her mama. I know it’s hard, but think big picture.
2 Cents says
Seriously, some days, we watch more Curious George than normal, but that’s for the parents’ and child’s sanity.
Nan says
That sounds like a frustrating morning, ugh! But it also sounds like you’re a great mom.
Try not to sweat the behavior chart. Your kid is spirited and that’s a good thing! School tries to teach us that we should all be submissive, quiet rule followers, and it’s a rude awakening when you get into the real world and realize that’s not actually what is rewarded.
Io says
That teacher’s expectations are not developmentally appropriate. In fact, New research suggests classroom behavior charts are shaming and result in long term emotional damage. (Reward charts, while extrinsic are not shaming.)
Buble says
How many gifts are you getting your kids, if you do gifts this time of year? My daughter made a Christmas list with four items, and I’m inclined to get her every one, since they’re like $20 each at most. I feel like that’s reasonable right?
Anon says
How old is she, and is that reasonable given your budget?
Anonymous says
Totally reasonable. We do three gifts from Santa (they are only allowed to ask for three and Santa only has room for not huge toys and doesn’t bring electronics), plus a Christmas eve gift (book and pjs) and a Christmas morning gift (individual) plus a bigger gift for all three (this year it’s a play kitchen).
Anon says
My daughter is not yet two, but last year and this year we haven’t gotten her any presents, because she gets so many from friends and relatives. I imagine we can’t keep this up forever though, and certainly when she’s old enough to ask for specific gifts we’ll get her one or more of the things she wants.
SC says
We give our kid quite a bit at Christmas and for his birthday. I’ve already wrapped, but I believe he’ll have 5-6 gifts from Santa and another 5-6 gifts from mom and dad. But (a) I wrapped similar items (markers, paper, paint) separately so he has more to open, (b) none of the gifts are expensive or large or electronic, and (c) we rarely buy new toys or even replace stuff like art supplies or bath paint/crayons between Christmas and birthday–we might buy something for the family like a puzzle or a movie we want to watch, but not stuff that will sit in the play room.
Anon says
This is us. I try not to get toys or things like bath crayons just on demand, so when Christmas comes there’s actually a lot of stuff I’m dying to get for my kids! Things like puzzles and board games for one and art supplies for the other, but I definitely give more gifts than most on this board… I keep a running list of stuff I think they’d like all year and then just shop it at birthdays and Christmas.
Mrs. Jones says
4 gifts plus one “from Santa”
anon says
Four sounds reasonable to me. For us, the number of gifts has fluctuated based on the types of items, cost, etc. I usually aim for 3-4 gifts from Mom & Dad + 1 Santa gift. And, the Mom & Dad gifts include things like books and at least 1-2 items they need, so it’s not a toy explosion.
Anonymous says
Our dog is getting four gifts this Christmas (toy, bandana, two packages of treats), so I’d say four gifts is not excessive for a human child.
Anon Lawyer says
Oh I knew I was forgetting something. I need to do my dog Christmas shopping.
Anonymous says
I have 3 kids. Santa is bringing one big present for all the kids (one year it was a Power Wheels; this year it will be a big outdoor toy for them all to use. TBD if it’s a water slide thing or a geo dome yet), plus 1-2 things off their list, and stocking stuffers.
Separately, mom and dad give 2-3 presents per kid, at least one of which is boring stuff like clothes they need (eg. my 7 y/o is getting a new winter jacket, 4 y/o is getting new socks and underwear). This year my oldest is getting an american girl doll and my middle (who has a knockoff AG) is getting a camper and jeep for the doll that we got free from a neighbor.
We would probably do more, however, there is extended family at my house on christmas morning, and my inlaws send up a TON of gifts, so they are absolutely innundated with toys/gifts. That’s why we wrap up stuff we’d buy them anyway. Sometimes we have them open the stuff from my inlaws on christmas eve, so it doesn’t get lost in the chaos of the morning.
FWIW my 7 y/o asked for “art stuff and an ipad” for christmas generally (she won’t be getting the ipad, and we told her that already) and her santa letter said “I’m sure you know what girls like, so I’d like to be surprised!”. my 4 y/o asked for a stuffed unicorn, pants, and a watermelon. My littlest one is 18 months and I think we are wrapping up some hand me down toys for her [from neighbors, not her own sisters] because we need NOTHING and she’ll get a ton of presents from extended family. I’ve already just put an extra $200 in her college account. She’s getting a Baby Doll of her very own from Grandma.
anon says
Totally up to you. My kids get 4 small things in their stocking (including a book), and they are each getting two presents, but they total about $100-$125.
HSAL says
We subscribe to the “want, need, wear, read” theory and the three kids are sharing one “need” that they already got. So they’ll have three presents to open from Mom and Dad, and then they’re each getting a book and a toy from Santa, along with another shared item.
TheElms says
My 6 month old attends a large corporate center daycare. We started in late October. The center has 3 infant rooms, each with 2 teachers (but the teachers also float between the rooms and there are floaters that cover drop-off / pick up). As a result I don’t really even know all the infant teachers. I found out yesterday that starting Monday baby is changing infant rooms. I’m flummoxed about how to handle holiday presents. As best I can tell the center doesn’t do a cash collection. I don’t ever see any other parents to ask. And there is a parent board but they have monthly calls and I couldn’t make the November one because of work and the December one is after we will leave for the holidays. Would it be appropriate to ask the center director what parents do in this circumstance?
Anon says
Yes, definitely ask the center director.
CPA Lady says
I read something this morning that helped me feel better about the general working mom situation of my life. It seems like a few people on here are having a rough day so I thought I’d share.
I follow Laura McKowen on all the socials and she had a really great post on fb this morning talking about being in a funk, losing her sh&t and being grumpy, judgmental, etc. and shared a Glennon quote: “I forgive myself relentlessly”. I love that. I’ve set a goal to work on self acceptance for next year. Forgiving myself relentlessly seems like a good start.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Channeling Buble here at having to laugh at some of the routines on yesterday’s thread, especially those without kids. I know if I posted this on the main site, it would seem like I’m channeling #mommymartyr at complaining about the hectic mornings with kids but I think most of us here get it. Well here’s mine, if anyone cares to share a morning routine while in the trenches:
5:30am – Wake-up after hitting snooze once. 1 year old is up around this time so husband gets him and gives him milk.
5:35-5:55am – Shower, get ready.
6:00-6:30am – Eat breakfast, give 1 year old breakfast, read phone for a bit. Husband is showering and getting ready.
6:30ish – 3.5 year old is usually up by now. Give him milk and light breakfast (granola bar, squeeze). Turn on TV.
6:40am – 7:00 – This is the fun part where we get everyone dressed, pottied, brushing teeth, get a screaming 1 year old in his winter gear, negotiate with a 3.5 year old who is resisting the above and trying to do everything but get ready, finish getting ourselves ready and out the door.
7:00 – 7:15 – Daycare drop off for two.
7:20 – 7:30 – Drive back home.
7:30 – 7:45 – Walk to train (this is my exercise of the day, woo!)
7:50 – 8:30ish – Train
8:45am (often around 9 if I’m on a later train) – Finally at work.
I know my commute and daycare drop off add a ton of time. But it is what it is right now.
Pigpen's Mama says
Hah! I have no consistent routine, as our mornings depend on if I’m working from home or not, or if my husband has to be in early or not.
Today’s morning:
Woke up before everyone — yay! Too tired to be productive, so I read “Am I the A$$hole” on Reddit and drank coffee.
Kid woke up, found her robe and slippers, because she took off her PJs because she was too warm at night, fed her breakfast, made her lunch. Husband wakes up at some point during this.
Shower for kid, while I pick up her room and finally put away her suitcase from Thanksgiving travel.
45 minutes of crap TV (I HATE Ryan’s World, but needed a still child) while I combed out her hair with a lice comb to check/prevent (in the clear, whew).
Mad rush to read book for school, sign off on the slip that she “read” it to me, brush teeth and put on coat and shoes.
This meant despite having 2.5 hours from the time she woke up to school starting, we were still dashing to school (a block away), I annoyed/embarrassed my kid by humming the Chariots of Fire theme song while we did this in a feeble attempt to hustle her along.
CPA Lady says
I handle the morning routine, husband handles the bedtime routine. He is present in the house and can help keep kid on track if I need him to, but is in the bathroom for half of it, and eating his breakfast and checking his emails and stuff for the other half and I mostly do it on my own.
6:15 (if showering) or 6:28 (if not showering): Alarm goes off. I started setting my clock for two minutes prior to kiddo’s so I can mentally and emotionally prepare myself for the day.
6:30 – kid’s okay to wake clock turns green. She thunders through the house like a herd of buffalo and leaps on our bed making immediate requests and demands.
6:35 – shuffle into kitchen. unload dishwasher. pour myself cup of iced coffee.
6:40 – make us smoothies. Tell kid to go potty and put on pants and socks and shoes. She sleeps in her next day’s dress.
6:45- listen to kid complain about having to put on pants (same, girl. same.) and begs me to dress her, like she’s Mary from the Secret Garden and I’m her servant or something. Depending on my mood I either say yes or tell her to do it herself.
6:55- give kid smoothie, check to make sure she has used potty and gotten dressed. park her in front of tv once she is.
7:00 – get myself dressed
7:05 – blow dry hair if I showered, otherwise comb it.
7:10 – wander around house, tidy up stuff, check weather, make beds, blah blah blah
7:20 – put on minimal amount of makeup, start gathering what I need, doodle around some more, load dishwasher with any random stuff that’s still lying around from last night
7:30 – tell kid if she’s bringing anything to school to get it now. repeat several times. comb her hair and brush her teeth and tell her to put on her coat
7:45 – out the door. husband buckles kid into car.
7:50 – leave
8:05 – get to daycare (breakfast is provided at daycare), drop off, chat with teacher if necessary
8:20 -ish – in the office
I can do this much much faster and get out of the house way earlier, but I prefer the more leisurely pace. Not looking forward to the hard start time of Kindergarten next year.
AnotherAnon says
BLE, this still seems like an incredibly efficient timeline. Here’s mine:
6:30 – alarm goes off, DH gets up, practices piano, I snooze til 7
7 – get up, have cup of coffee, unload dishwasher, pack kiddo’s lunch
7:15 – kiddo (2.75) gets up, sits on couch with milk, asks me 50 times if I’m going to work today.
7:20 – get ready for work: makeup, clothes (I shower the night before; hair is usually up)
7:30 – either leave for work OR (more likely) finish making kiddo’s breakfast as DH has disappeared for his morning constitutional, feed kiddo breakfast, dress kiddo, deal with meltdowns, delay tactics
7:45-8 – I leave for work (10 minute commute by car)
8:30-9 DH and kiddo leave for day care drop off
Cb says
What is with the morning constitutional?
HSAL says
I’m fairly certain my husband uses his frequent constitutionals as a way to get a break from the kids. But to be fair, my showers are always longer than necessary.
lsw says
My husband has long constitutionals (also, lol, we use that exact terminology in our house) AND takes a long shower! But he makes breakfast every day, and I only shower ever 2-3, so it’s fine in the long run. But I still think, what are you DOING in there?
Anon says
This morning:
7:15 – hit snooze, try not to squash toddler who crawled in at 2am (after I went to bed at 1am) diving for the alarm clock
7:30 – hit snooze, think about getting up. Determine whether toddler is likely to start moving or is still out cold. Decide to doze and snuggle another 15 minutes.
7:45 – open eyes, triage overnight work email (send a few follow-ups to other people), quick scroll of social media feed
8:00 – get in shower; poke DH to get up; DH gets dressed
8:15 – out of shower
8:30 – dressed, hair is in a bun (it dries down in the car during my commute), face routine and very light makeup on, grab clothes for toddler
8:40 – DH or I dress toddler downstairs and toddler goes out the door, no breakfast, with DH for preschool (she gets snack at preschool and like her mama doesn’t like to eat until she’s been up for a while)
8:45 – toast english muffin for breakfast, unload and reload dishwasher, pack lunch (leftover pizza), wrap breakfast and throw in my purse
9:00 – out the door, take hair down to dry and finger fluff at red lights
9:40 – arrive at work, unwrap and eat breakfast at my desk
Cb says
6:00am: Alarm goes off, husband feeds cat, makes tea, and goes to the loo while I snooze.
6:15am: Drink tea and then go through and wake up toddler. Nappy change and snuggles in our bed while husband gets dressed.
6:30am: Husband and son make breakfast, I get ready.
6:45am: Breakfast
7:00am: Get toddler dressed, grab things and head out for bus (Monday/Friday we drive and can leave at 7:30)
7:20am: On the bus aka the most intense 30 minutes of my day
7:40am: Arrive, nursery doesn’t open until 8 so my son and I go down to the station to see the trains, race cars down the ramp of a nearby church, or go to Pret if it’s raining.
8:00am: Nursery dropoff and walk to office
8:20am: At work
So Anon says
Mine are older (6 and 8) but here is my routine:
6:15: Oldest wakes up and climbs into bed with me for about two minutes for a snuggle and hug. He then goes downstairs and gets a few minutes of alone time before his sister joins him. He generally gets himself a drink and either watches PBS kids or reads.
6:30: Youngest wakes up and climbs into bed with me for a full update since the last time we spoke, which was the exact moment she fell asleep. Nonetheless, there are many updates. Turn off the alarm from my phone.
6:45: Drag myself out of bed, shower and get ready.
7:15: Youngest reappears in my room, fully dressed with more updates.
7:25: I grab my phone, charger, gym bag, water bottle, oldest’s clothes and head downstairs. Let dog outside and make sure she doesn’t decide to tour the neighborhood.
7:30-7:50: Make the kids breakfast by throwing pre-made waffles (I make a huge batch on the weekend and freeze them) into the toaster. Make my own smoothie (pre-made over the weekend by placing dry ingredients into freezer bag) and coffee. Everyone eats while I try and remember what I am forgetting.
7:55: Start migrating my 45 bags and 7 cups of various liquids into my car.
8:00: Wrangle children into snow pants, hats, gloves, make sure extra shoes are in backpacks along with lunches (made the night before), mandatory school-home folders, etc. Then get everyone into car.
8:05: Pull car gingerly out of garage and try not to rip off side view mirror (again).
8:10: Bus comes at the end of our street. I chat with the other parents for a few and then head to work.
8:45: Arrive to work.
I do a large amount of prep every night on the weekends. I am NOT a morning person, so the less I have to think or do, the better off everyone is in my house.
anon says
5:00 — I wake up to work out because otherwise it would never get done. It takes me about 10-15 minutes to fully wake up and get dressed, so not terribly efficient.
5:15-5:50ish — Work out, cool down.
6:00-6:30 — Shower, put on makeup, do hair. It sometimes creeps into 6:35-6:40, depending on my mood.
6:30-6:45 — Wake up both kids, help DD get dressed and do her hair. DH is showering during this time. Bribe older kid with promise of screen time before school if he can get up now and get dressed.
6:50 — Threaten older kid with eating breakfast at school if he doesn’t get up already.
6:45-7:00 — Kids eat a quick breakfast. DS doesn’t have much of an appetite first thing in the morning, and DD is still getting breakfast at daycare. Which is good, because she is a sloooow eater. She usually has a slice of toast and a cup of milk. I attempt to eat breakfast after getting everyone else’s stuff. DH is present in kitchen as backup.
7:00-7:10 — DH takes over while I finish up breakfast. Kids are brushing teeth and putting on coats and shoes.
7:15 — DH leaves with both kids and does drop off most mornings. At this point, I usually pack a quick lunch if I didn’t get it done the night before. I also pick up the breakfast dishes, if that hasn’t been done already.
7:20 — I leave for work.
7:40-7:45 — Arrive at work. I try to get there early so I can leave by 4:30. I used to arrive closer to 7:30, but our morning routine has frankly felt out of whack for the last 6 weeks and I’m always a few minutes behind.
Basically, the morning routine feels like he!! from 6:30-7:15. We’re trying to cram a lot into a short amount of time and it isn’t working well, but I’m stuck on how to change it.
AwayEmily says
I love these! Also CPA Lady I laughed out loud at the Secret Garden reference.
6:00: One or both kids starts making noises in their room (singing, crying, who knows what). Husband and/or I stumble out of bed to get ourselves ready and prep their breakfasts.
6:30: Both kids clocks turn green. The 3.5yo comes down on her own, the 2yo needs to be fetched.
6:30 – 6:50: Whole family reads books on the couch together while the kids eat their “pre-breakfast” (they split either a frozen waffle or a piece of toast. I have no idea how this tradition got started but so be it. Our couch is now covered in waffle crumbs).
6:50 – 7:10: Actual breakfast (usually oatmeal or yogurt), we all eat together at the table. Adults drink many cups of coffee.
7:10 – 7:30: Kids play/argue/somersault, we finish getting ourselves ready and/or play with them.
7:30 – 7:45: Get kids dressed while they watch Daniel Tiger on the TV. Toddler demands to hold the blue hairbrush, IT HAS TO BE BLUE, MAMA!
7:50: Both kids argue about who gets to have the stuffed woodpecker in the car (???). Nobody gets the woodpecker, the woodpecker stays at home. Leave, arrive at daycare at 8. They are still talking about the stupid woodpecker.
Cb says
We do books in the am while my son has some milk and it’s so lovely!
So Anon says
I’m not sure how one random object gets imbued with special status, but it happens here too. Seriously guys, its a play hair straightened?!
Cb says
This thread makes me so grateful for my small flat (700 square feet). All that running around from room to room and up and down the stairs sounds exhausting.
Anon says
We have a big house but I don’t let my toddler run around in the morning. We get dressed and ready in her room, carry her to high chair for breakfast, carry her to the car to go to school, carry her into school. We are much more leisurely in the afternoons. I think because it’s been the routine she’s known for most of her life, she doesn’t object even though she has strong opinions about a lot of other things.
Anonymous says
I love these! Here is mine from this morning:
5:30AM: Baby starts crying, not sure why. Decide everyone will just tough it out because she needs to soothe herself for the sake of all our sleeps (sorry sister who is sharing her room).
5:45: Alarm goes off for me to get to the gym. Get dressed in the dark, ride bike to gym.
6-6:45: Boxing class at fancy gym
6:45-7AM: Glorious steam/shower at fancy gym, hop on bike to get home.
7:05AM: My husband has showered, dressed, and is feeding the kids (they use an ok to wake clock that turns yellow at 6:15 and they can read books, then turns off at 6:45 and they can leave their room), but is annoyed because they both wanted to be picked up at the same time, someone got pushed over, there is snot on his dress pants.
7:05-7:30: eat breakfast as a family, but in reality someone is constantly getting up to get more milk, clean up a spill, pour coffee, etc.
7:30-7:50: wrestle both kids into their clothes, we all enjoy a Peppa pig christmas episode while brushing teeth. I get dressed and do make-up while all this is happening.
7:50-8:10: Husband leaves to drop dog at daycare and walk to work, I read the same book three times to older daughter while younger one wanders around. Sometimes we don’t have this time cushion but it’s nice when we do and everyone is happy. Sometimes we have the cushion, things are difficult, and I decide I would rather be at work than listening to my kids whine and fight, so we leave the house early.
8:10-8:20: Somehow ten minutes disappears in between announcing it is time to leave, getting shoes and jackets on, and loading everyone in the car.
8:35-8:45: Daycare drop off. Tears from the baby, but I know they are gone before I’m even out of the building.
9AM: Enjoy my quiet office.
GCA says
Here’s mine:
6am – 4.5yo gets up, plays quietly with his Legos (off limits while baby sister is awake just in case she eats them)
6.30am – 15mo gets up. She likes to loll about. Big kid cleans up his Legos, barges in, and hops on her bed. They are very cute together. DH and I get up.
6.45am – Breakfast
7.15am – I get the kids dressed and read to them/ trail after the 15mo picking up her tornado clutter. DH packs lunches.
7.45am – wrestle screaming octopus toddler into winter gear, plead with big kid to please put on his coat/ hat/ mittens, out the door with DH. Daycare doesn’t open till 8.
7.50am – at desk (I work from home most days). When I have a commute, I try and escape after dressing the kids.
At the other end of the day, I prep dinner quickly around 4.30 or 5 (thank goodness for wfh) and get the kids around 5.15, home at 5.45 because I have to wrestle them into winter gear for the return journey, dinner around 6.15.
About 3 weeknights out of 5 I will take a long nap when the kids go to bed and then get up and hang out with DH for a bit before he heads to bed, work for an hour or two, read for a bit, and go back to sleep. I’ve done this for much of my working life and it predates the kids, but having kid-schedules to deal with makes it more frequent. I guess it’s essentially biphasic sleep so I was biohacking without really knowing it?
Boston Legal Eagle says
“screaming octopus toddler” – that’s mine right there too. I love being head-butted while putting on his coat.
HSAL says
6:00am: my husband’s alarm goes off. I either sleep through it or play on my phone until..
6:30am: I hear my daughter’s door shut, as she literally sits on the side of the bed waiting until her green light turns on, then she hops into bed with us.
6:35am: My husband or I go get the twins and bring them into our room for some family snuggles, which in reality are the kids terrorizing each other and/or the cat until we leave the room for breakfast.
6:45/7:00am: We get everyone breakfast, I pick out clothes and bring them out for him to get the kids dressed while I shower.
7:15/7:30am: I’ve gotten mostly ready, come back out to finish getting everyone ready, husband goes to get dressed while I put coats on the kids.
7:45/8:00am: Husband leaves for daycare dropoff, I finish getting ready in peace, prep anything that needs prepped for that night’s dinner, then head to work.
8:30ish: Arrive at work.
FVNC says
Here’s mine:
4:30-5: 6 yr old wakes up; stays in her room with her books and Fire until she hears her brother. She gets 1 hr of Fire time.
6:30-6:45: 2 yr old wakes up; he and 6 yr old appear in my bed (husband has left for work hours ago).
6:45-7: I play an iphone video for them and wake up myself.
7: Downstairs for breakfast for the kids, and I make my 6 yr old’s lunch. Tell 6 yr old to SIT.IN.CHAIR.AND.EAT approx. thirty times. Let out dog and feed him. Look at emails and respond to anything urgent.
7:30-8: Upstairs to get dressed, comb hair, theoretically brush teeth although that’s rarely done. Whoops. This is the time when, if things are going to go off the rails, they do. Lately, my 6 yr old has been spending too much time either dancing naked or reading in her room rather than getting dressed, and my 2 yr old tries to convince me everyday that he should wear shorts and a t-shirt (we live in the cold midwest).
8: Leave house if walking to school; 8:15: leave house if driving.
8:15-8:30: Kid drop off.
8:30: Return home, walk dog, eat breakfast, drink coffee….at home office desk by 9. The fact that I don’t have to get myself ready in the morning is the only way I can make it work everyday on my own!
Pogo says
Late to the game, but I love these. Mine varies, but here is a typical day:
6:30 alarm goes off and one of us goes down to get milk, feed cat, and turn on the Hatch via our phone
6:32-6:40 Snuggles and books and milk (almost always me since I’m currently the Favorite)
6:40-7:00 Husband and I take turns showering and convincing kiddo to pick out clothes and get dressed
7:00ish Husband takes kiddo downstairs for breakfast while I do makeup. If not, kiddo will sit on my lap and demand to put on his own makeup as well which is too much for me to handle at this hour.
7:05 Husband makes coffee while I get lunches prepped, kiddo asks 50 million questions as he eats, and currently he’s obsessed with the digital picture frame in the dining room so he asks, about every photo, “what dat mommy”
7:05-7:45 LITERALLY I DON’T KNOW WHERE THIS TIME GOES
7:45 bribe kiddo to brush his teeth with a video on my phone while Husband schleps approx 12 bags into our two cars, takes out trash or any other last minute chores
7:50 we all leave, husband does drop off
8:00 arrive at work
Late Pregnancy Fears says
So I have made it to month 8 of my first pregnancy. Mentally, I have been in a satisfied place pretty much the entire time, but I am starting to really get nervous about the life that I will be giving up and the uncertainty ahead. I think the schedule conversation may have worsened it – knowing that I will be sacrificing time and sleep, feeling like I never appreciated what I had before. Please help to assure me that it’s normal to freak out a little now and that I won’t be full of regret?
Anon says
Totally, totally normal!! Fwiw, I slept better with a newborn than in late pregnancy. I had pretty bad insomnia and was uncomfortable and anxious. My sleep with a newborn was broken sleep but at least I could fall asleep instantly, which felt like a huge relief after a month or more of chronic insomnia.
Also, at the risk of sounding smug mom, my toddler woke up today at 8:30 and we got out the door in 20 minutes. You have to remember that people who are asking the questions are people who have self-selected as having that particular issue. The person who’s asking the question about feeding difficulties probably has a great sleeper, and the person asking about a toddler waking up multiple times per night may have the sweetest kid who never throws a tantrum. Most of us don’t have all these issues, certainly not all at the same time.
Parenthood is honestly just the best, I love it so much more than I ever could have imagined. You will love it too. Congrats!!
Anonymous says
I think it is normal and even if you are full of regret, it probably won’t last forever. I honestly spent a lot of my son’s first year thinking I had made a Big Mistake, but I got beyond it. I also had some PPD/A and a lot of other factors that made it a rough year. I think it takes a good 6 months for things to start to feel a little more normal, in part perhaps because infants change so fast that normal keeps changing rapidly. As they get older, the rate of change slows down considerably. It’s a huge life change and identity shift, and I can’t understand why it wouldn’t throw you for a loop!
Gil says
+1 First 2 months very rough, first 6 months somewhat rough. Kiddo is now 1.5 and an absolute joy.
Anon says
I would add that with having a kid there are so many sweet moments & fun life experiences that are hard to fully imagine before having a kid (especially since what resonates for one parent might be totally different for another) and can’t be summarized in a typed out schedule (just mentioning this since you specifically reference those posts as a source of stress). In other words, it is much easier to imagine the concrete negatives than it is to imagine the more ambiguous (but will still be there) positives.
Anonymous says
Yes! My mother told me, it will be harder than you can imagine at times, but also better than you can imagine too.
Anon says
Sometimes I think parents talk so much about the challenges of parenting that we forget to mention how amazing it is too . I know it sounds like a contradiction, but it’s the best thing ever on top of also presenting a lot of challenges.
So Anon says
100% agree. It is hard to fully describe how my absolute favorite sound is the sound of my son’s laughter, with my daughter’s genuine giggle right there too.
ALC says
+1! I am the poster from yesterday who is having a hard time going back to work, but I still wouldn’t trade my kid for anything. He is just so, so great.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes, this. I’m sorry if my schedules thread caused some anxiety – I totally get how it seems like you’ll be sacrificing so much for this unknown. And you do, but there’s so much you will gain that is hard to describe until you’re there. When I step back, I do truly love my hectic life and am so grateful for my kids. But also totally fine to complain when they’re not sleeping or screaming in your ear about putting on a jacket :) That’s why I come here.
Buble says
Holy cow, you will love your baby so much, it will completely outweigh any regret, don’t worry!! Not to say there won’t be any at all, but it will be okay.
Anonymous says
Totally normal. Baby years can be hard and tiring but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I now have four people trying to cuddle in bed with me in the morning which I love (DH and 3 kids). I remember as a kid how a hug from mom always made stuff better and I love that I see that now in my kids when I hug them.
Anonymous says
I had a baby in June, so I remember what you are going through clearly. I had pretty bad baby blues and PPA. The first six weeks especially were really, really hard. My husband (who is very supportive and a great parent and does more than 50% of the heavy lifting around the house and with baby) kept saying things like “isn’t this fun? isn’t our son amazing?” to which I actually responded “right now I don’t think so. I just want to sleep for 12 hours and use my brain again.”
I’ve been in therapy since about 8 weeks after my son was born and there’s one thing I wish someone would have told me earlier – “It’s okay to grieve the person you were before you became a mom.”
He is now six months old and I feel nothing but love and joy for my son (he got much, much cuter as soon as he started sleeping through the night). It’s just very, very hard at a first in a way I didn’t imagine – isolation of being at home with the baby and going from my job where I am social all day and (mostly) knowing what I’m doing to having no clue are really hard transitions that I wasn’t prepared for.
Anon says
There were moments after I had my daughter that I felt “Oh no, what have we done?!” It’s a lot all at once – the pregnancy, birth, then around the clock care, and breastfeeding added a lot of pressure for me personally. It takes a while to get to know your new little person.
Just take it step by step and don’t hesitate to ask for help from many sources. Things get much easier and fun but it takes time. Also, find some other parent friends you can open up to that aren’t just online.
Anon says
Consider taking a break from parenting sites / social media for a few weeks. At this point, there’s nothing more you need to know – you’ll have your baby and then they’ll be here and you will figure it out together. It is so easy for other parents stories to feel scary or like judgment if your choices are different-can be a relief to just opt out
second baby gift suggestion? says
Our friend is pregnant with her second (oldest will be three when baby is born). I’d like to send her a present since we live in separate cities and I missed her shower– I only have twins and I don’t know what I’d want for a second pregnancy! They aren’t finding out whether it’s a boy or girl, and I assume she still has swaddles, etc. from the first. Any inspiration?
Anon says
I always do a personalized baby blanket or lovey because most second+ kids get a lot of hand me downs, so I think it’s nice for them to have something with their name on it. I’d get a small “congrats on being a big sister/brother” gift for the first too, especially if they’re 3 and will really understand what’s going on (most of my friends’ kids have been 1 when the sib was born).
Anon Lawyer says
On that note, I got the most beautiful personalized baby blanket from Brooklyn Grace Designs on Etsy. It’s incredibly soft and snuggly.
Anon says
Just curious, no shade here ’cause I see it recommended here all the time… am I the only one that does not want items for my babies/young toddlers with their names or initials on it?
Only because, for me, we have a pretty set succession of people we hand down our outgrown clothes to in one fell swoop on a periodic basis, but I feel weird giving them things with my kid’s names on them (and they probably don’t want those things anyway) so having personalized stuff just creates another decision tree/errand of what to DO with said personalized onesie/blanket/etc. when they are done with it.
Sorry I realize this is a criticism without a recommendation.
Anon says
I wouldn’t want dozens, but I don’t think it’s common to get a ton of personalized stuff unless it’s on a registry. I actually got none, my BFF’s kids only got the ones I sent and are still attached to their loveys well into preschool. I plan to save a few sentimental items from my daughter’s childhood and would have been happy to include one personalized baby blanket or lovey in with that stuff. Agree you can’t really hand that stuff down.
Anon says
I don’t love personalized gifts only bc i had the first world problem of receiving 7 personalized towels for each of my twins, 3 sets of personalized bags, along with a myriad of other duplicates and it just felt like all of these people wasted their money buying us stuff we don’t need, when there was actually stuff we needed
Emily S. says
Diapers, snacks, etc.: in other words, consumables! Those things are not left over from first child. I also needed new bottles and pump parts because with an older kid, time spent washing bottles was precious, and we threw money at the problem by buying extra. These are not the fun gifts to open at a shower, but they are much appreciated! I also appreciated some things that were just for new baby, tho, too: a new lovey, new blankets (bc Big Sister was hanging on to those and the nursery was different colors).
Anonymous says
So thoughtful of you! GN consumables are great… baby 2 got all new socks bc who the he k can keep track of infant socks?! Plain GN onesies, a few weather appropriate nb things, esp if kids were born in different seasons, even things like diaper cream and the non-smelly bags or yummy smelling baby wash
Clothing referencing “I have a great big sister/brother”
+1 to the suggestion of a small gift for big sib. Bonus points if it’s something they can play with without hands-on adult help
Anon Lawyer says
The NYT just had a list of best baby books and I was completely charmed by two of them – You Are New and B Is for Baby, which is about a baby in a West African village.
Kindness Ideas says
Do any of you follow busy toddler? Usually I am not one to bother with things like sensory bins but I do like some of her ideas, including her kindness Christmas countdown chain. I’m planning to do only 12 days, but anyone have good suggestions for acts of kindness for my 3 and 5 yo? She had a list too, but looking for other good ideas… easy to implement where they will hopefully understand the point.
Emily S. says
Sitting next to a new classmate at school seems like an easy one. Having the 5 year old help the 3 year old with a task (like, zip her coat for her, or clear her plate after breakfast). Color a picture for grandparent. Baking a treat for the neighbors (our 3 year old neighbor recently brought over cupcakes for our girls, on his own initiative!)
Anonymous says
We always let the kids run the show with “adopting” families for christmas. I try and pick kids one year younger than mine. My 7 y/o shops for “What she would have liked when she was six” and my 4 y/o picks “stuff I definitely liked when i was three. for sure.” We go to target and they have a blast picking out toys for other kids. We get a lot of “i want it too!s” but then i remind them that this for a family where they don’t have lots of money to spend on extra toys, so let’s focus on helping to make christmas special. And they get back into it. or, I let them try things on in their size then we buy for the other kids in the correct size.
mascot says
Make treat basket and deliver to fire/police station (baked goods, bottled water, instant hand warmers, chapstick) or just do cookies; when you are riding around looking at lights, leave a handwritten note in the mailbox of a house that has ones you like telling them thank you; compliment 5 people in a day; give hugs; sit with someone new at lunch or play with someone new at recess; donate old towels to animal shelter; thank your teachers
Gifts for Team says
Any managers out there willing to share what you typically get for your team for the holidays? I have 8 people reporting to me, half remote and half in my office. Usually I just do Starbucks gift cards for $15 but now I wonder if that’s too little. I’d love to hear what others do.
A. says
I have 9 direct reports and spend between $15 and $22 per (I shoot for around $20/person). Never a giftcard, always a gift b/c it’s our workplace culture. I hate it, though, and wish I could just get everyone a bottle of wine or a giftcard but alas that isn’t the case here!
anon says
If you’re still reading this, last year I did $15 gift cards. This year I’m doing Moleskine journals in their favorite colors. (All still take notes by hand at least part of the time.)
I say keep it simple, and make sure it’s something you don’t mind replicating from year to year!
Anonymous says
Something someone posted yesterday about the leisurely kid-free morning routines inspired me to post this. Now that you are parents, if you had to put your plans for a family on hold, what would you do to take advantage of your additional kid-free years? What do you miss about your time pre-kids?
For context, we had been TTC for a few months but had to stop when I was diagnosed with a serious illness. I just finished treatment (which took many months), and am starting to come out of the stressful fog. We won’t be cleared to TTC for a few years due to the nature of the illness and treatment, but I’m healthy now. Because this wasn’t my choice, just bad luck, I’d like to really take advantage of, and appreciate, this extra kid-free time so I feel less of a loss. But other than traveling to Zika locations, which we are excited about, I don’t have many ideas.
Anon says
I’m so sorry and glad you’re recovering from illness.
Definitely all the travel. Not just Zika places, but anywhere with long flights, lots of intra-country travel, or activities that are hard to do with babies/toddlers, like intense hiking. We travel a lot with our toddler but haven’t gotten up the courage to go further than Europe (from the Midwest) because the flights are sooo long and we just have no idea how she’d handle the jetlag. And at this stage of our lives, cities and beach resorts are fun, but I think if we went to a national park we’d be bummed about all the hiking we were missing out on. Also, going to the movies, theater and fine dining restaurants since all of those are incompatible with little kids and would require a baby sitter.
Anonymous says
I would spend the time on
– Hobbies, either new or old. For me that would be dance and music.
– Working out.
– Establishing a comfortable and well-organized home. We bought our house and had our daughter while I was in grad school and we had no time or money. I found it incredibly depressing to be stuck at home with a newborn in a messy, falling-apart house with crappy furniture. Years later, our house is still a dump and makes me sad every day.
– Saving lots and lots of money.
anon says
I’ve been at this motherhood thing for a long time now, and what I still miss the most is being able to rest and relax when I’m tired and just need some downtime to reset. I’m an introvert who thrives on a certain amount of privacy and alone time, and it’s hard to get that. It’s gotten better as the kids have gotten older, of course, but I can’t just come home after a rough day at work and chill with a Friends rerun for an hour, you know?
Anonymous says
I miss being spontaneous. Going to a film festival at the last minute. Calling DH at work and agreeing on meeting at a restaurant on the way home for dinner. Taking a weekend trip skiing without spending hours packing. Going for brunch at 2pm because I slept until noon.
Anon says
+1 this is what I miss too. My kid is easy, sleeps a ton and we only have one, so our day-to-day lives have not changed much at all. I still have tons of time for myself, and we still travel and go to restaurants. But there is no more spontaneity.
Jeffiner says
Before kids I loved taking classes, like extended education classes. I did a first responder-first aid course, a few semesters of a foreign language, martial arts, and was a few semesters into culinary school before pregnancy (and fatigue and nausea) made me decide to dial it back.
Emily S. says
I wish there was a way to bank all the rest and quiet time you have as a child-free adult! Travel, spontaneous outings or dates, finding hobbies, getting the house in order are all great ideas. I would also savor reading big novels that require concentration ( how I miss reading for more than 15 minutes a day!) Get to know your health insurance and leave policies inside and out and think about how you can bank your leave (if you can) and what your ideal parental leave would look like (I found it harder to make some decisions or understand the minutiae of my health insurance policy in a pregnancy fog.) As sappy as it sounds, this is also a great time to invest in your relationship with your partner so you have some great experiences and a really solid bond to fall back on when it is rough going with a newborn.
Nan says
Travel like crazy and really focus on my career!
AwayEmily says
Both of these for me, too. Especially the latter. I’m lucky enough to really like my job and it makes me sad that since having kids I can’t have nights where I just lose myself in a really fascinating project and stay at work until midnight.
Buble says
I mean, just sleep. Sleep through the night. Sleep in late on weekends. Go to bed whenever you want, without having to make sure tiny humans are asleep first. SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.
Okay, that said, um. Read books. Enjoy the sound of silence. Go to white-tablecloth restaurants for a leisurely dinner. Go to the movies. Go on dates without having to pay someone $15/hour to stay at hour home. Go on weekend car trips where the only limiting factor to how long you can spend in the car is you. Stay in non-childproofed AirBNBs. Listen to music and podcasts with explicit content while in the car.
Boston Legal Eagle says
We were somewhat boring before kids so it wasn’t a huge loss, but I mostly just liked to spend time with my husband doing various things that we both like doing – going out to eat, travel, beerfests, random weekday events like paintnite and 1.5 hour sessions at the gym. Agree on spontaneity – you can still do all of the above with kids but you have to plan and arrange for care.
Anonymous says
This is us too. I feel like we were a bit boring before kids and didn’t have a ton of extra income for extravagant trips so life changed but not that much?? One suggestion I would add is to visit family as much as possible if they don’t live in the same city as you. Now that my family is all in the thick of it with you g children it’s hard to visit each other
Anon says
Yup, us too. The main thing I miss is how active I was pre-kid. DH and I would go hiking, mountain biking, running, long gym sessions, indoor rock climbing, etc. Now, even finding time to go on a 30 minute walk around my neighborhood is a challenge.
Anon Lawyer says
I would do a lot of winery tours and check out artisanal distilleries (I live in Portland, Or though so there’s lots of options).
Anonymous says
hi fellow Portlander!
CPA Lady says
– Networking activities that take place during the evening, like happy hours, dinners, etc.
– If you’ve ever wanted to do something dangerous like skydiving, do it now
– Anything that involves going somewhere with breakable or expensive things, like a nice mall or an antique store
– Going to a large, quiet art museum or botanical garden that has a lot of things to read and actually read stuff and take more than a cursory glance at the art or plants
– Kondo your house
– any home improvement project that needs to be done
The thing I miss the most about my pre-kid life is not feeling like I’m on a timeline every moment of my existence. Everything involving time is now a compromise. I still get to do pretty much everything I want to do now that my kid is 5, but I have to cram it into little windows of time. And there are so many things I’ve put off, that when I do get some kid-free time, I have to allocate some time for boring house projects rather than relaxing or it will literally never get done. And I know this is not going to get better in any way, at least until she’s old enough to drive herself to things. And probably not even then.
NYCer says
Vacations to exotic / not child friendly places. And I would play a lot of tennis because it is really hard to find time with little kids.
GCA says
Last night DH and I spent a bit of time coming up with our fantasy travel & adventure list – and some of these are actually doable with kids, but we don’t currently have the time or budget to do it comfortably with kids. New Zealand, Australian wine country, the parts of Southeast Asia we haven’t visited yet, Eastern Europe, Chamonix, Banff, long hikes in the Cairngorms and the Lake District (…can you tell I like mountains), and Peru and Ecuador.
Instead winter break 2020 will involve a hotel in Maine with snow tubing, a nearby bunny hill, and a nice indoor pool!
Anon says
That’s a good list! The big ones for me that I feel like would be challenging to do with little kids are Antarctica, Patagonia, the Galapagos Islands, hiking in the Himalayas (ideally to Everest base camp) and hiking in the Swiss Alps. Although honestly snow-tubing and a heated indoor pool in Maine sounds super fun too :)
NYCer says
Galapagos is totally doable with elementary aged or older kids!
Anon says
Oh yes I agree. I think most of those things except the Everest trek are doable when the youngest is 8 or so. But for most people that means a decade or more break from these trips, so it’s nice to do as many as you can before kids.
Anonymous says
The things I miss: (1) sitting on the couch on a weekend afternoon watching tv, (2) sleeping in, and (3) drinking a little more carefree and spontaneously (i.e. without knowing that at 3:00 a.m., I might have to take care of a child while feeling kind of disgusting…but alcohol makes me feel gross even though I do enjoy a drink or two).
anon says
I completely lost my crap on my kids this morning. The morning had actually gone really well, up until the last 10-15 minutes. Kids were dressed and fed ahead of schedule, and I let them have screen time as a reward. Well, then all h3ll broke loose when I asked them to put on coats and shoes while I brushed my teeth and poured my coffee for the road. They, of course, started bickering and became completely helpless. When I was finished with my stuff and saw that they had not even attempted to put on coats and shoes, I just … lost it. They’d been told like 5 times at that point and I was just over it. In fact, the phrase “I have asked you 5 f*cking times to do this” MIGHT HAVE slipped out of my mouth. Even I was shocked at myself, but seriously, this is not a new routine, guys!
DH was sick and in bed, and I had previously been so proud of keeping the kids quiet and focused while he rested.
Can I have a do-over? And why does their inability to follow basic directions tick me off so much? (For context, my oldest child, a 10-year-old, has ADHD and mornings are generally rough with him until the meds fully kick in, but this was a new low even for me.)
They were treated to a lecture in the car about showing respect by doing what is asked of them. And I did apologize for the cursing but still feel crummy about it.
anon says
Ugh, that was me yesterday. I didn’t say f***, but I yelled pretty aggressively because my two school-age kids just didn’t do the things they needed to do to get to the bus stop on time when I took my eyes off them for 5 minutes. I felt really bad about yelling. Today, when my alarm went off, I told myself, “I’m going to try to be the best mom I can” and did my best positive parenting (“Let’s all hurry so we can be the first to the bus stop today!”) I hope I made up for it. We can only go forward, not back!
So Anon says
Don’t beat yourself up! We all loose it every once in a while. It sounds like there is an extra layer of stress right now with DH being sick, which makes it so much easier to loose it. While you can’t go back in the past, I absolutely promise that there will be another chance for you to show your kids patience. And I think that its not so much the loosing it that hurts, but the lack of a repair attempt, and it sounds like you did that. When they/you get home, give them an extra snuggle and apologize and then move on. Show them that you are human, you know how to apologize and that we can all recover from bad days.
And I hear you on the routine. I live in New England. It is winter. Socks are not optional. We leave every day at 8:05, so why do my children act shocked when I get flummoxed by them not having socks on at 8:05, let alone boots?
anon says
OMG, yes. The stupid socks! Honestly, it is so much harder getting everyone out the door during the winter months. There is darkness. And so many layers of clothing.
So Anon says
We came inside from playing in the snow on Tuesday (first snowday), and my 6 year old said her toes were cold. I snuggled her as we both peeled off our layers of snow gear. My mouth dropped when she got to her boots. She wasn’t wearing socks?! To play in the snow for well over an hour. Natural consequences I guess? But then, she “forgot” her snowpants at school yesterday. Ugh. The wrangling of winter gear wears me down.
Anonymous says
I would also like to better understand why having instructions/commands/request ignored drives me crazy, because it does. Being unheard? Being disrespected? Am I worried my son is going to be an a**hole as an adult? Lack of control? It is triggering in some way, and it feels like if I could be more aware of that and separate my stuff from what is probably normal child behavior I would be happier.
Anon says
I know this sounds weird, but I’m almost 40 and literally figured out in the last month why passive-aggressive comments (or snippy little comments) drive me absolutely batsh1t insane.
lsw says
Argh, hugs. Also, I learned from our 13yo that losing our temper and swearing or whatever other behavior we might feel awful about is not a huge deal IF we apologize and talk about it. It makes a huge impression on her when we admit that we are wrong and say sorry, even if we’re still mad sometimes as we do it. So what I tell myself is at least it ends up as a good parenting moment…
You’re doing great.
Em says
Been there, even down to dropping the “f” bomb at my toddler. I read on here that situations like this are a good way to show your kids that everyone is human and makes mistakes and how to apologize and promise to try to do better in the future. When I was growing up my mom would lose her s*** on us (sometimes disproportionately in relation to the situation due to some undiagnosed mental illness) and then pretend nothing had happened, which was confusing for us, so the concept of talking through what happened, why it happened (both their behavior and why you reacted the way you did), and acknowledging that you could have handled it better really resonates with me.
Em says
Also, once when I was beating myself up during a therapy session about losing my temper on my son (when untreated, my anxiety manifests as a ragey mom/wife) my therapist asked me whether I mostly remember the times my mom was a “mean mom” or a “great mom”, and I said I mostly remembered the times she was a “great mom”, even despite the issues I described above, which provided perspective on parenting as a whole. She pointed out that although these incidences weigh heavily on our minds, most kids don’t even remember them, which helped me realize they were pretty inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.
anon says
Thank you — this helps a lot.
Anxiety is one of my struggles, and unfortunately, the busy holiday season is sort of wearing on me already. The reserves are low, and I need to build them back up.
Redux says
Working mom guilt/ advice on managing in-school activities: My oldest is in Kindergarten, so this is a new dynamic for me. How do working parents handle the myriad in-school activities where parents are invited in the middle of the day?
I work 45-min away and have a pretty facetime-heavy job (law). We have said no to everything so far– classroom parties, book fairs, lunch with mom in the cafeteria, and other things that I have no idea how other parents are attending. Today I happened to have a Dr.’s appointment in the morning that would give me a window of time that coincided with the in-school activity before I had to be on a conference call late morning. So, I surprised my kiddo in the middle of the 2-hour activity, planning to stay for 45 minutes. When it was time for me to leave, she lost it. Hot, sad, tears, and no-mommy-please-dont-go… It was horrible. My first thought was, well this was a mistake and I shouldn’t have come. But, I will almost never have a 2-hour window in the middle of the day to go to her school, so does this mean I just say no across the board instead of coming to partial activities? Ugh, I feel so sad that what I thought would be a fun and happy surprise ended in tears. Are these things only for SAH/ WAH parents?
Anonymous says
I try to go to one or two events every couple months so about one third of things. DH also goes to events sometimes. I arrange for Grandma to attend some field trips as well.
Expectations are key. Especially if I can’t stay for the whole thing. Better to arrive late and leave when the event ends vs arrive on time and leave early. I always take pics to remind kid of things I attended when kid complains that ‘ I never go to anything’. Given your commute, can you attend things that are start of morning and arrive late or that are just after lunch and work from home afterwards?
Redux says
Yes, my leaving before it was over is what made her so upset. I will implement your strategy of arriving late and leaving when its over from now on, rather than arriving on time and leaving early. Since that was not possible for me today because of the conference call I had to be on, I should have just skipped it. Hindsight, man.
avocado says
I went to exactly two of these daytime events the entire time my daughter was in elementary school. One was the first-grade class party. Despite the fact that she had begged me to attend and had complained loudly about all previous events that I had not attended, she ignored my presence. The other was a speech she made in front of the entire school. That one was worth it.
Redux says
Yes, totally, this and Rakma’s comment below are reminding me that being picky about which events to attend is ok. I was very distracted by her glum whining last night that I failed to triage this event from some other more special thing that will surely come up in the future.
rakma says
DD had a meltdown a few weeks ago because I wasn’t there to help at the Thanksgiving party in the middle of a Friday. “You never come to my school” was screamed, which lead to a fun discussion about it being November of her Kindergarten year, and how I managed to make it to almost all of the events last year in her Pre-K class (there were less events in Pre-K than Kindergarten).
I also knew that I was already planning on coming to read a story on her birthday, which happened this week and she was thrilled about. YMMV, but I’ve found it’s easier to take the whole day than try to duck out for a few hours. I try to batch a bunch of life-management tasks onto that one day. I got a haircut, went to the dentist and did the story reading, plus I got to pick her up from school instead of her going on the bus. It was also something that was much more important to both of us than me standing around making awkward small talk with 5 other moms who are supervising some holiday craft activity that the kids don’t actually need help with.
I find the middle of the day activities way too disruptive for everyone. Whenever possible, I’ll come for something at the end of the school day, so that I don’t have to leave with out DD.
Redux says
Great advice, thank you. It’s amazing how much the kindergarten transition reminds me of how clueless I felt as the mom of a newborn. I thought I was batching today– Dr. appointment in the morning, ill-fated part of the school activity, conference call, then parent-teacher conference this afternoon, and working from home in between. This is the first experience I’ve had with feeling really harried / failing at trying to balance those things at the same time.
I really like the idea of choosing something more individual instead of the 5-moms-supervising-a-craft (exactly what it was today!). I will ask the teacher about reading a book on kiddo’s birthday. Thanks for that idea.
Anonymous says
I thank God I live in an area where working parents are super common and the school seems to work around that! Our school does Family Friday in-class activities the first Friday of many months, from 8:40-9:15, and I can usually make that as it just means coming in a little late. (Can you suggest something like this to your school instead of some of the other stuff?) That and parent teacher conferences, which we usually do in the evening, are about all we manage. My husband is a high school teacher so absolutely can’t be there during the school day.
Redux says
Yeah, I am realizing that dual working parent families are not the norm where I am– a change from daycare where all the moms worked. Kindergarten has a lot of SAHPs (some for underemployment or unemployment reasons– I live in a very working class area), and the school day doesn’t start until 9:00am, so even a first of the day thing is not possible. The latest time slot for parent-teacher conferences is 3pm. When I pushed back on this I was told that no other family had raised it as problematic. Part of it is my commute, but even for folks who work locally, I don’t know of anyone who can just pop out of work for two hours in the middle of the day.
Anonymous says
It’s important to remember that not all working moms work 9-5 jobs. If the mom is a nurse, call centre dispatcher, bus driver or another shift worker, daytime programs may be no issue. We have a SAHD across the street. The mom is a ER doctor but she attends a lot of school events because she misses all kinds of stuff on the weekends/evenings so whenever she shift schedule allows her to attend school events, she goes.
Anonymous says
Yup. My SIL is a nurse and worked weekends for years so she could stay at home with her kids during the week and do school events/sports practices. There are many parents who are passing ships. This site is a bubble of professional women who generally work 9-5 or more, not shift workers. At my daughters school there are a lot of dual working families where a mother or fathers actual job may be working g at Chipotle or McDonald’s.
Anon says
I think your kid will be completely fine whatever you do, but just want to point out that there are options besides being a SAHM and never attending these things. I work 9-5 in an office with good work-life balance (government) and I attend a lot of school things – not all, but most. DH goes to a lot of them too. If attending these things is important to you (and again, totally it’s fine if it’s not) there are jobs that will let you do that.
Redux says
Ok, wow, this post is not about you. Thanks for assuring me that it’s totally fine if these things are not important to me. Yikes.
Anonymous says
I read Anon 1:48 as trying to be supportive. You literally asked how other parents handle it and she gave an example of how they handle it which is with both parents less intensive jobs that allow both her and her DH to take time off for these kinds of events.
If you ask how other parents handle a situation, you can’t be surprised that other people explain what works for them.
avocado says
I know it is a Very Big Deal now, but in another year or two it’s quite possible that these things won’t be so important to you or your child. Kindergarten is such an emotional time for a lot of parents, and the amount of pressure schools put on parents to be “involved” with events, homework, etc. makes it even worse. By second or third grade, the teachers and the other parents start to mellow out, all but the most intense of the SAHMs will have stopped showing up to class parties, and your daughter may not even want you there anyway because school will be “her” space. I have an overachieving SAHM mom friend who deliberately quit chaperoning field trips and camps because it turned out that her daughter, whom she’d believed to be clingy, really flourishes on her own.
Hugs. Being a working mom is tough. The best you can do is to choose what’s most important to you and let the rest go. If school events are a priority for you, pick the ones where you can stay until the end or, even better, take kiddo home afterwards, because now you know that leaving in the middle will make everyone unhappy. Then trust that you are actually maximizing everyone’s happiness when you skip the rest.
Redux says
Thank you. This is helpful and kind.
Anon says
You literally said “Are these things only for SAH/ WAH parents?” and my answer is no, lots of working parents go to them (not just me and DH, but many other working parents in our school district). I was being sincere and not snarky that different people do things differently and your child will be fine either way. Sorry you took offense.
Eek says
I don’t quite understand this response. Ultimately either they are important to you to attend or not, and either is firm. (TBH most of these things are *not* important to me, and so I’m fine with skipping them.) But I think it’s fair to point out that the options available are not cleanly either stay home or never go to any events.
Eek says
Either is *fine*
Anon says
“If attending these things is important to you (and again, totally it’s fine if it’s not) there are jobs that will let you do that.”
In your area. I’m sure the OP would love to have a job that isn’t a 45 minute commute, but that is common in either big cities, due to traffic, or rural areas, due to the spouses having jobs in different small cities and splitting the difference in the commutes.
Anon says
Vacation time exists and many people use some of it for things like this. It’s certainly understandable if she doesn’t want to take a whole vacation day to attend a brief event, and clearly she will have to be choosier about what she attends than someone who works 5 minutes from the school would. But a long commute doesn’t mean she can NEVER attend an event, which is the dichotomy she presented.
Redux says
If this is important to you, get another job (and the corollary that if you don’t change jobs then this isn’t important to you) is hardly supportive. Other posters made the point that there are jobs that would allow this and did so without the value judgment.
Anon says
It wasn’t a value judgment. You’re incredibly defensive.
Redux says
That is literally what a value judgment is: an assessment of priorities based on your values. “If this is important to you…” is a value judgment. Not helpful and honestly pretty hurtful given how bad I feel about this today. Even if it wasn’t your intention, you made me feel worse. I get the point that you’re trying to make and others made it too, but with more kindness and less judgment. I’m glad you’ve found something that works for you. There is no need to tell me that because I haven’t found what works for me it’s because I don’t value the same things that you value. Obviously this is important to me or I wouldn’t be sad about it.
Anonymous says
She didn’t say that you had to get another job. You asked how other ppl did it and she told you how they did. As someone else pointed out, there are also non 9-5 careers. It’s not reasonable to ask other people how they do something and then be mad when they tell you. If how they do it doesn’t work for you then just ignore the comment.
Anon says
Well actually, we obviously do have different values. I didn’t just stumble backwards into my current circumstances by sheer dumb luck like you seem to think I did. I made a conscious choice to take a less demanding, 9-5 job close to my kids’ school, and put in years of effort and took a paycut to make that choice come to fruition. I did that in large part because I really wanted to be able to participate in things like this. How important something is to someone is not a multiple choice question with the only answers being 1) important and 2) not important. It’s measured in degrees and it can be important to two people but more important to one of them. By definition, if you don’t want to contemplate a job/career change, this stuff is less important to you than it is to me, because I actually did make career changes so I could do it. My choice was right for me, but it’s by no means the right choice for everyone and I thought I was careful to say that other choices and values are equally valid. And I already apologized for hurting your feelings even though your response to my original comment (“Ok, wow, this post is not about you…Yikes”) was snarky and rude.
Redux says
Please stop.
Anon says
And PS., because you said my original comment was made with “judgment” – I promise you it was not. I know you probably won’t believe me, but it’s the truth. School events and similar things are way less important to my closest friends (all working moms) than they are to me. That’s a statement of fact, not a judgment. Many of them basically never attend stuff this. I don’t think any less of them and think they are all absolutely phenomenal mothers, as I’m sure you are too.
Anon says
That stinks. I don’t know if there’s much to be done, but why do schools have things during the day?! I remember them being really hard for my single dad who worked in the city near our suburb to get to. It would have been nice to have my dad at school events, but I’m no worse off because he couldn’t make it much.
My kid’s school has yet to have an event for all families during the day. There’s lots of volunteer opportunities if that’s your thing, but that’s like 1-2 parents at a time. All parents are invited to events at 8am or 5pm (or later). I WFH, so I could go, but I’m so glad the school doesn’t do stuff like this. It seems like an exercise in making the kids whose parents are already more time constrained feel worse about that.
Redux says
My daycare did almost no daytime activities so this has been a shock to my system. I didn’t realize how self-selecting daycare is since all of those families worked regular hours, hence the need for daycare.
NYCer says
Honestly, I just try to go to most of the activities (at least at our school, there are not so many as to make it impossible). Fortunately my firm is pretty flexible with face time though which makes it easier, and I can make it to my daughter’s school in about 15-20 min from work. So OP, overall my situation is a lot different (i.e., more conducive to attending daytime activities) than yours.
Like most everyone else had said, your child will be fine either way as long as you are an engaged and loving parent during the time you can spend together. 30 years later, I can’t even remember if my mom came to every daytime activity at my Kindergarten, and I suspect your daughter will be the same.
GCA says
Don’t worry! I grew up with two parents who both worked 8-5 (doctor in clinical practice, manager in public health agency), well before the advent of remote working. The joke in my family is that they made it to 2 events in my entire school career… the first parent-teacher conference of elementary school, and the last parent-teacher conference of senior year. (“Why?” “You weren’t having any trouble in school.” #80sparenting) I think my grandfather (local grandparents) might’ve attended the storytelling contest/ costume pageant etc a couple of times. When my sister and I were kids we were grumpy about it, but the amount of hands-on parenting in the evenings and weekends made up for my parents’ absence from our schoolday events. My mom has said she felt guilty about it, but after a few years I honestly never really noticed.
anon says
I don’t think you can do everything, but you can mindfully pick and choose a few activities that are most meaningful to you and your kid. And, I’ve been known to take vacation time when it feels really important (like a school concert). The thing you have to remember is that not every school event is equally important. Luckily, my kid’s elementary school seems to have cut way down on daytime events over the years, for which I’m grateful.
I’m sorry you had a crap day. We’re all doing the best we can as working parents.
Redux says
Thanks for the solidarity. It means a lot.
Buble says
FWIW I work in an office with flexibility, so I’m able to move my lunch hour around if I need to run out during the day for a kid-school thing, same as if I’d need to go out for a doctor appointment or something. It does help that kiddo’s school is only 15ish minutes from my work, not 45 minutes. But proximity between home and school is something to consider when deciding where to live, for sure.
Anon says
Mom win of the day – we got professional photos taken for holiday cards and there is only ONE photo of all three of us where my daughter is looking at the camera and smiling. And of course I was making some horrible expression in that photo. So…I photoshopped my mouth from one of the other photos onto it. I remember using photoshop in high school and it was so hard and you had to have the steadiest hand to perfectly select the area you wanted and it always looked fake, but now thanks to all that AI magic, the computer knows what you’re trying to capture and stitches it all together perfectly and even with my amateur work you would never guess this photo was altered. Hoooooray for technology!
Anonymous says
That is fantastic, but why stop there – add in Brad Pitt or something!
lsw says
My mom got my son this ridiculously complicated clock that I think is supposed to be some sort of “okay to wake” style thing, but it is seriously so complicated that I just let my kid use it as a toy. The night before last, it must have been somehow set to an alarm that played bird sounds and it went off at 4 a.m. and scared the bejeezus out of him. I came in his room to comfort him, slammed some buttons on it, and put it in the hallway while I rocked him. Of course, I must have just hit snooze so the birds went off again right when I was putting him back down for sleep.
This is the most momentous thing that has ever happened in his life. Our cleaning person came early yesterday when we were still here and he took her upstairs to show her the bird clock and tell her solemnly how the “monster birds scared me.” Then I had to spend five minutes making the birds go off so he could shut them down.
As soon as I picked him up from daycare, he asked me about the birds. We FaceTimed with my mom and his big sister (she was at her mom’s) and he told both of them about the birds (they were both totally confused until I explained). He talked about it again last night as he went to bed.
It’s cracking me up! He’s 3.5 and I have to wonder if this life-altering event is going to be his first memory. I also assume all of his daycare teachers were like, what is he talking about??
Anon says
Bahaha that is hilarious! Poor scared kiddo (and poor you, awake at 4!)
AwayEmily says
I laughed throughout this entire story, thank you SO MUCH for sharing it. I love picturing him telling everyone about THE MONSTER BIRDS.
My 3.5 year old STILL talks about the time I spilled a bottle of maple syrup on the table during breakfast as if it was the most traumatic event of her life. It happened many months ago and yet every time anyone so much as mentions pancakes her eyes go all wide and she says “one time MY Mama SPILLED THE SYRUP EVERYWHERE!!!!”
lsw says
Haha I can picture this exactly!
GCA says
Oh no! This is too funny. Poor kiddo!
When my son was nearly 3, I was solo parenting for a week in winter when our toilet overflowed and flooded our apartment. It took him like a year not to flinch when the toilet flushed. Having had to call building management and steam clean the carpets I was pretty traumatized too, but he was really freaked out.
IHeartBacon says
This is the funniest/most adorable thing I’ve heard all week! I literally laughed while I was reading it! Thanks for sharing… and hugs to your kiddo!
Anonymous says
Ugh, looking for perspective. I should be up for consideration for partnership in the next couple of months. I was a very high performer for five years with consistently excellent reviews, good track record bringing in clients, and increasing responsibility. I had a baby in year five, took 12 weeks leave, and returned. I struggled after returning because I was dealing with PPD and a number of deaths in my family that required travel. My firm knew about the family issues, but not PPD.
At the end of that year, I had my first bad review. The criticisms essentially amounted to concerns with timeliness and that the quality of my work had suffered (but the framing was “you used to do excellent work, now the work you do is fine”). I requested a review in three months (rather than typical 6), and at that three month review, I was told the quality of my work had improved but timeliness was still a concern– they gave one example of something I gave to a partner the day before it was due… At my six month review, I was told the same thing about work quality and timeliness. I asked for examples of issues with timeliness because I thought I had done well, and the only example they could come up with was the same one from three months prior.
Fast forward to now, as I am preparing to submit my request. A partner pulled me into his office this morning and said that I could submit it now, or I could choose to wait a year, and that no one would think poorly of me if I wait a year. Other partners have made this suggestion before as well, and cited the example of a former partner (now retired) who had a wonderful 40+ year career, but was passed up for partner the first year he was eligible. What they omit is that he became partner after entering treatment for alcoholism, which I think is a pretty different circumstance.
Anyway, I feel like I have given so much to this firm over my career so far and essentially they want to push my whole career back a year because I had a couple difficult months. I feel like if I don’t make it this year, I am inclined to look for other work rather than waiting out the next year, but I don’t want to cut off my nose to spite my face. I know a year isn’t that much in the grand scheme of things, but I feel like it is a giant slap in the face to all of my hard work.
Thoughts? Perspective?
AnotherAnon says
I don’t need advice, just need to share with internet strangers. We’ve been TTC for several years. In October I had surgery for stage 4 endo and to have one of my tubes reconstructed. Now I’m in the middle of…TTC? All the ultrasounds, blood work and injections are a bit overwhelming. I have ten days before I can take a pregnancy test and I’m trying to just chill but I think about it a lot. I feel really hopeful and also like there’s no way I could possibly be pregnant and that would be really funny and scary and I already forgot how to parent an infant (we have an adopted son).
Ducky says
Hugs <3