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As I get older, I have less and less tolerance for being out in direct sunlight. (I think back to my teen years when I would go to the beach with friends and not one of us would bring an umbrella.) Now that I am out and about with my son this summer, everywhere I go I’m constantly wishing there were more shade. I’ve been wearing either my trusty Yankees hat or the law firm swag hat I got when I played on the firm’s softball team the year I was a paralegal, but I’ve been thinking it’s time for something more stylish. I like how this hat is stretchy and is made with sweat-wicking fabric (it’s hand washable), and this pictured color combo would match most of my summer clothes. The hat is $38 at Lululemon and comes in seven other colors and patterns. Baller Hat Run
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Easts on Feets says
Has anyone else heard of this? I was shocked to find that a former coworker was involved in this group in our city (and then went down the rabbit hole of reviewing the traffic on their FB page). At least with a wetnurse, my sense was that that was a regular gig (so if your wetnurse seemed to reek of tobacco (or worse) or have a new tattoo or obvious needle marks, you’d notice and stop at once. [Also, my sense is that if you have a newborn, your milk is different than if you are nursing a 6 month old. Pumped milk from a stranger might not line up with what your baby should be getting.]
It sounds even worse than DIY blood transfusions (if only b/c you are making that choice for a wee baby without all his/her shots or a well-developed immune system).
I’m all for nursing (or not, as suits you/your baby), but OMG I have never felt more strongly that formula is just fine.
Anonymous says
No idea what you’re talking about.
ElisaR says
i wasn’t sure what she was referring to either, but when i googled it my phone autocorrected it to “eats on feets” which doesn’t really clear much up but apparently it is a b-milk sharing community….
Eats on Feets says
Stupid iphone typo — yes — it is a b-milk sharing community. B-milk is a bodily fluid and you can transmit all sorts of things via it. It’s not tested or anything.
There is milk banking where the milk is tested (and combined across donors).
But this freaked me out — it’s not as bad as sharing needles. But I’m shocked that people do this to babies (like a 7 year old probably has a competent immune system, but IDK re babies — you don’t get all of your shots right away and they are building an immune system, esp. in their first year of life).
Anonymous says
Well yeah people also don’t vaccinate so honestly nothing by surprises me.
Anonymous says
Yah no. I am not a milk cow.
Anonymous says
“Breast is best” gone totally off the rails. It’s terrible that people think this is a better idea than formula (or if you have a premmie who really needs b-milk, a milk bank).
anon says
+1. I did breastfeed two kids because I wanted to, but I cannot stand lactivists.
Anonymous says
Agree. I’m nursing my 3rd baby and idk if I’m more practical, more experienced or things have gotten nuttier but formula is awesome. Sleep is too precious and life is too short for 100% breast fed all the time if it isn’t easy for you.
To each their own but when I go back to work this one is being formula fed during the day. I’ve decided rather than put this baby in daycare at 3 months like her siblings did, I’m staying home an extra month and getting a nanny until she’s 9 or 12 months.* Because she won’t be exposed to as many germs, I’ve given myself permission to not monkey with pumping at work. I might do one session a day if it works but when I start traveling again it’s all pump and dump. I’ve schlepped thousands of ounces of breast milk through airports across the country and this mom is DONE
Not just to avoid daycare- it’s much more practical for our family right now.
BPS says
+1 to this. 9 months into BF, with a rough start BF after baby was born, I wonder why I didn’t start throwing in a few ounces of formula from the beginning for my own sanity. Could have been nice those cluster feeding and growth spurt days to get a break. Also wish I had been told nipple confusion isn’t really a thing, and most babies can go between bottle, boob, and paci. Lesson learned.
LH says
I agree about “breast is best” going off the rails. At my 6 week pp appointment, my OBGYN’s first question was “Are you breastfeeding?” and when I said yes, the second question was “exclusively?” and when I said no, we had supplemented with formula in the hospital and DH was still giving a formula bottle in the night, I got a lecture about how breast is best and we really needed to stop the 2-3 oz of formula baby was getting each day (in addition to 10+ b-feedings). I can understand a ped harping on it (although our ped was super supportive of combo feeding), but I really thought that my OB appointment was supposed to be about *my* physical and mental health (which supplementing definitely helped with!). It was so frustrating.
Anonymous says
That’s infuriating about your OB. I’m sorry you had to deal with that.
Anonymous says
I think having the option to choose is what’s most important. No pressure if you choose formula, no pressure if you choose donor milk. For those who have chosen to pump and have excess, donating to another baby may feel better than just dumping it out. And some people may prefer to give their baby donor milk rather than formula – I hope people aren’t doing that out of a feeling of external pressure. But just like we don’t want formula feeders to be shamed for their choice, it’s important to also not shame those who make the opposite choice. Only about half of babies are still breastfed (at all, including combo feeding) at 6 months so I don’t think breast is best has “gone off the rails”. There are extremists, sure, but let’s not jump to the other extreme either.
Anonymous says
This.
Anonymous says
The biohazard issue is a legit issue. If it’s your sister or cousin or neighbor, that’s one level of risk/comfort. But an internet stranger?
Anonymous says
I judge people all the time!
Like I don’t care if your non-Scottish boy wears a skirt. But get him vaccinated!
Anonymous says
LOL I am on your side here on the vaccinations. Because that affects MY baby too – it isn’t just about your kid.
ElisaR says
haha yes yes yes
Pogo says
In my local moms group on FB, people are asking all the time where they can donate extra b-milk. Though I do think milk banks are best, because of the screening that goes into them, this also makes them prohibitively expensive for some people. I have a friend could not b-feed, and her preemie got b-milk for free in the NICU, but not once home. It was something like $12/oz. Totally makes sense given the logistics of providing 100% safe b-milk, but not doable for everyone.
I would still come down on the side of “nope, formula is better than milk from a rando” but did want to say that in my circles this is not as crazypants as it initially sounds.
Anonymous says
I fed my twins some extra milk my BFF had pumped but I’ve know her for 20 years and her baby was only one month older than my twins. Cannot imagine meeting up to have a stranger nurse my baby or nursing the baby of a random person- that’s crazy pants.
ElisaR says
yeah my bff offered me some b-milk when i was on meds for a UTI 3 weeks after baby arrived….. i didn’t take it but if there is anybody who’s milk i’d feed him it would be hers….. but it still kinda weirded me out and i was committed to a combo approach early on so he just went formula while i was on the meds.
i had a neighbor who fed her son donated b-milk when she wasn’t making enough. i thought that was weird.
Anon says
I also had a UTI a couple weeks after birth (thanks, catheter) and continued b-feeding my baby while on the meds. Antibiotics aren’t generally considered harmful. Formula is fine too of course.
ElisaR says
yes. the first antibiotics they gave me were safe for the baby to consume. it didn’t make my infection go away though. the next 2 antibiotic options were not safe for babies under a month old.
trust me, i spent many hours crying about being forced to stop b-feeding and having to dump my milk for 5 days….. but i’m over it now.
Anonymous says
I don’t know, I like the idea beyond b-milk sharing. There are some babies (preemies, babies with health issues) who benefit more from b-milk than the average baby and not every mom can nurse. I plan to donate my freezer stash to a milk bank when I’m done nursing, and this just seems like a more informal way of doing it?
Anonymous says
I couldn’t donate b/c I am on mere OTC allergy meds. And high lipase, so my milk seemed nasty to me if it had been in the fridge more than a couple of hours.
Anonymous says
Just an FYI – I thought I’d do the same and called to talk with my local bank. It turned out I hadn’t pumped according to their (understandably) strict protocol which requires sterilized parts every time you pump (I sterilized once a day and stored in the fridge in between). They were incredibly kind and appreciated my interest and honesty about my procedure. I wish I had investigated and known before I built up my stash. I don’t know that I would have changed my procedure, but I would have marked milk that would qualify.
FWIW, b-milk sharing is rampant in my area. I see it on FB all the time with mom’s groups and stuff.
Anonymous says
Wow — where do you live? Portland? Asheville?
Anonymous says
Midwest, and not a big city. Usually, it’s someone who has a stash they won’t use who will post that they have some to give. And it is very quickly snatched up. I don’t often see “want to buy” type ads.
Anonymous says
I’m in a mid-size city in a red state, and b-milk sharing is common here. It’s definitely not just a hippie thing.
Anonymous says
This seems like a “fine for you, not for me” type situation. I agree that I wouldn’t pick donor b-milk over formula for my baby but your judgment of this is a bit strong.
Anonymous says
Disagree. These are biofluids. Would you be ok with underground bloodbanks ?
Anonanonanon says
I think there’s a difference between screened donor milk through official channels and this
Anonymous says
Legit donor milk from a milk bank is screened, blended. I’m not sure of the term, but handled in a way to make it safer but in a way that doesn’t rid of the good stuff (or keeps most of it). IDK if pasteurized is the right term, but you get the idea.
If a daycare feeds your kid someone else’s milk, that is a major incident b/c who knows what that kid has been exposed to now.
I lock up known dangerous chemicals and medicines and liquor; but sure, give my baby with no shots or immune system unknown bodily fluids you can transmit diseases with.
I used to joke when I donated blood that it was the perfect place to meet a guy b/c they ask so many invasive questions about your health and habits and stuff you did 5-10-40 years ago. And that’s for blood that they then screen and put into consenting adults (mainly). [Like I know I’m CMV positive so I can’t donate to preemies, just to adults.] OMG this is so, so different.
Anonymous says
Official donor milk banks don’t usually have enough milk for anyone other than preemies, or the cost is prohibitive for most families. There’s obviously varying degrees of security here, but some moms do request blood results before accepting milk from anyone. I think with an adequate health history, this could work for people.
Anonymous says
My MIL was a fan of whole milk + karo syrup, which I’d prefer over this. Or sweetened condensed millk, YUM.
Or formula. What is wrong with formula?!
Anonymous says
My grandma told me she fed my mom “formula” which at the time meant watered down cow’s milk. But now we know better :)
Anonymous says
This. It’s called liquid gold because per ounce it’s literally more expensive than gold, if you can even get a milk bank to sell it to you.
Anonymous says
I fed my twins milk a coworker pumped. She had a major oversupply combined with a baby who drank very little from bottles and was running our of room to store it but didn’t want to toss it. I understand this isn’t for everybody, but the unofficial sharing worked for us. Our kids were 2 weeks apart, so we figured the milk would be similar. They also got my pumped milk and formula, but supplementing with her freezer stash saved us on formula costs.
Anonymous says
Eh, I don’t think you can compare this to anti-vaxxers. Those people harm everyone, especially people who can’t vaccinate their kids for legit reasons. I would not use unvetted donor milk because of the health risks, but people who do it are only (potentially) harming their own kids. That’s very different than harming the public at large.
LC says
This is pretty common in my area (SF Bay) and I am surprised by your highly judgmental reaction. The community doesn’t judge moms who choose to use formula, but it does allow for parents who want to make a different choice to do so. I overproduced with my first and donated my extra milk to a single mom who’d adopted a new baby. I have friends — a gay couple who conceived twins with a surrogate — who used donor milk through this network. You’re not just giving or receiving milk from a “rando” — usually people on both sides want to make sure the other person is legit (just like the mom I donated to wanted honesty about any medications I was on, I also wanted to know I was giving my milk to a real person with a real baby and not some skeezo who wanted to use breastmilk for some other weird purpose).
Anon for This says
I’ll raise my hand and say I donated breastmilk this way. The milk bank in my area had a minimum that I didn’t quite meet – I think it was 200 oz and I had over 150, but not quite 200. Something like that. Anyway, I donated informally to an adoptive mother who wasn’t eligible for the milk bank milk because her baby was full term. She was incredibly grateful and I was so glad all that milk didn’t go to waste. Pumping is HARD WORK, and it really meant a lot to me that all that effort wasn’t wasted. I don’t know that I would make the same choice for my child, but I totally understand why this kind of thing exists and I was glad I could donate.
ElisaR says
i’m sure the mother appreciated your gift to her! i would not want all that pumping to go to waste either and what a nice thing you did for her…. i am officially back tracking on my statement that donation is “weird”.
Anonymous says
Yea, I think it’s a really bad idea and a lot of people participating in this don’t realize the risks they’re exposing their children to in the name of avoiding formula. It’s different if you KNOW the person you’re getting milk from- it’s the random internet people sharing that seems like a really risky situation that is just not worth it.
Anonymous says
In my city, the people seeking it just seem to be really random people “driving in from city X (2+ hours away) and need to get some milk if you have any.” I don’t know what to make of that — people who would accept milk from what seems like a random person. There were a LOT of ads like that and only a few of “getting rid of freezer stash non-smoking no drugs” ads.
Anon for this says
Milksharing is a thing. It’s not for you, but it’s not as nutty as it sounds. There are ways to pasturize milk and it’s common to ask to see a copy of the donor’s pregnancy physical before you take milk. A lot of people form relationships and just give to one or two people so it’s usually a little less random.
I donated milk to a milk bank. They had incredibly strict rules but I was able to donate over 500 ounces. I still had hundreds of ounces I didn’t need, they wouldn’t accept, and I could not use.
I ended up donating to two woman, both who I was introduced to through someone who is a doula and lactation consultant. One had issues with production and a daughter who had literally rejected 15 types of formula and had found that bmilk just turned her kid from a banshee to an angel. The other mom had a radical masectomy because of early stage b cancer and chose to do donor milk for a short period of time because she felt like that was what was best for her family.
Anonymous says
I don’t think that I have copies of my pregnancy physical (is that what the 8 week visit is?). I didn’t have anything pre-pregnancy.
AwayEmily says
Any recommendations on alphabet-related books for toddlers? Or really anything reading-related? We haven’t ever pushed letters with our 2.5 year old and she is in no way “advanced” (whatever that means) but she’s been really curious about reading and letters lately “which word are you reading, mama?” and so I was thinking of adding some fun alphabet books to our evening rotation.
Anonymous says
Chicka-chicka-boom-boom
We had the book and the DVD and both are great. There is chicka-chicka-1-2-3 for numbers.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Elmo’s Big Lift and Look Book has been popular with our 2 year old. There is a chart of all the letters with flaps to lift, with words that start with that letter. Our son now remembers that A stands for alligator, B for book, etc. There are also numbers and shapes in there. Will reply with link.
Boston Legal Eagle says
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0679844686/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o03_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Anonymous says
We also have some alphabet puzzles and magnets. Just some other ideas.
ElisaR says
somebody on this s*te recommended “an excessive alphabet”. i bought it and it’s very cute…..
Anon in NYC says
Caveat that I actually hate most alphabet or counting books (SO boring!), but LMNO Peas and Alphablock are pretty good.
SC says
+2. I was going to recommend both of those books :) Kiddo loved both of them for a looooong time.
AIMS says
My daughter really likes the DK ABC and 123 board books, and there’s also a great Scholastic “Trace Lift and Learn” ABC 123 book where you can also trace the letter which is beneficial.
CPA Lady says
Can I admit something really horrible? And you can tell me if I need to like… seek mental health help or something? Or if this sounds normal given my situation and it’s just part of life and it will get better once she gets older?
I love my daughter, but I hate and dread 5:30-7:30 pm every night. I do not at all enjoy listening to her incessant demands and whining after getting home from my non-stressful job. How is it possible to ask for so many things over and over again? AND NOT EFFING LISTEN WHEN I SAY YES???? I’m so over it. I feel like a monster for not enjoying her presence. Maybe I’m burned out from the amount of solo parenting I do. I don’t know. Maybe three year olds just suck sometimes? I am never sad when the weekend is over. Usually the mornings are fine, but this morning was a complete disaster and so I’m wallowing in how horrible I feel.
FWIW spending time with her in the evening is fine if we’re out of the house, going on a walk, doing an activity, or going to the store, but we can’t do that every night. Half the time when we’re at home for the evening I park her in front of the TV so I don’t have to interact with her. I realize this is terrible and I hate myself for it.
I have a mediocre-to-bad relationship with my mom and I don’t want to have the same thing happen here. Ugh. Help me. What do I do?
Anonymous says
FWIW, my kids act like they have NEVER heard “food stays in the kitchen,” “chew with your mouth shut,” etc., so I get it. And my kids are much older than your kid.
Sometimes if she is in front of the TV, it’s OK to do child’s pose in the corner and some downward dog and just recenter yourself. Also OK to have a mommy time out. It’s rough.
anon says
This is a tough time of night for all kids. Is she in daycare during the day? My kids were always at their worst after a full day of daycare. They were just stressed out and exhausted.
Solo parenting at this time of day is also incredibly tough. I’d give yourself a big break for handling it at all.
Two things that help with my kids: (1) getting them food as soon as possible after daycare pickup and (2) spending 20 minutes focused only on them as soon as we get home. They always wanted my attention and did much better the rest of the evening if I focused on them first before changing my clothes, making dinner or sorting the mail. It isn’t my ideal–I’d really like to change my clothes and get that water started heating on the stove–but does make the night go better over all.
Anonymous says
Your partner needs to step up here. Solo parenting is not working for your family. If that involves him/her leaning out into a role that doesn’t require travel, so be it.
Fwiw, I have a three year old, and yes they are definitely annoying and frustrating at times, but I don’t think this level of frustration with your kid is normal or healthy. But I understand it, given that you’re solo parenting so much, and that’s why I think that aspect of your life needs to change.
Clementine says
I will respectfully tell you – that sounds nice but I’ll bet that if there were an easy way to NOT solo parent a substantial part of the time, they would be doing that by now.
Signed, I solo parent 6 months out of the year and I don’t love it but it’s the price of admission for my marriage and our life.
AwayEmily says
Sympathies. Especially on the not listening when you say yes part. This happens a lot to us too “can I have an apple?” “Sure, here you go.” “WAAAAAAA I WANT AN APPLE!” [as I am literally holding it out to her].
Have you felt like this for a long time or is this a recent development? Maybe she and you are going through a temporary rough patch. Everything with kids seems so permanent when it’s happening, but then it changes so fast. And the fact that it’s fine when you are out and about suggests to me that there’s nothing inherently wrong with your relationship — just a regular toddler decompressing after school and a regular parent who doesn’t want to be decompressed at. FWIW that seems super normal (which doesn’t make it any less tough in the moment).
Anonymous says
Three is just hard.
I have three year old twins. This morning there was a 20 minute screaming fight because they didn’t agree on which step stools go in which bathrooms. And the twin that got in the head with a step stool started crying when I gave his brother a time out because ‘Bro doesn’t want a time out.’ OMFG.
I started falling into the parking them in front of the tv when we got home instead of just 20 mins while I make dinner. I’m aiming for balance not perfection. So if they get a bunch of tv one day then I try to take them outside when we get home on the next day. ‘painting’ with water and brushes on the back deck is hugely popular and involves zero clean up.
Anonymous says
I am posting from inside as i watch my 2 and 5 y/o play on the deck with a bucket of water. It started raining and they wanted to come in. I brought out their bathing suits and an umbrella instead. They are having the time of their life. I am sipping a celebratory glass of wine marveling at my genius.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Well, if it helps, my mom has told me that she didn’t enjoy staying home with me when I was a baby or toddler (she worked after I was 1.5, but I’m guessing she meant night time and weekends). She’s just not a little kid person and that’s ok. We have a great relationship now and I totally get what she means. Little kids are exhausting and illogical, so it’s very hard to reason with them like you would a normal adult. I have no doubts that you love your kid and that you’re providing a great home for her. You just need a break sometimes – we all do. Can you get a sitter to come a couple of nights a week to watch her so you can do your own thing? Or weekend sitter? I imagine solo parenting is incredibly difficult when you have to do it over and over (and over…) again.
Nighttime is also just rough at this age, I think. Last night, our son had meltdown after meltdown, had several time-outs for hitting and just was not very pleasant. And there were 2 of us watching him! You have my sympathies.
puddlejumper says
I don’t know if you have this option but some things that have worked for others:
– One friend has a college student pick up her kids from daycare, come home, start cooking dinner. She leaves work at 4:30 (she is a principal), goes to exercise and walks in the door at 6. Dinner is ready to be served, kids are home. Her husband works til 5:30, has a 30 minute commute and also walks in at 6. They have dinner as a family at 6 pm, do baths and read books and the kids go to bed at 7:30. Having this college student do the cooking, cleaning and pick up makes the time they spend as a family enjoyable and not crazy. My friend and her husband prep some of the dinner in the AM/ weekend and leaves instructions for the college student about what to do when she gets there.
– Another friend does a dinner swap with another mom down the street since they are solo parenting many evenings. Every other night someone else is responsible for dinner and Fridays is pizza night out. They eat together, the kids play as the adults clean up, and then the visiting family goes home so they can do evening routine and get the kids in bed. Having another adult to roll your eyes with is sometimes all that you need.
– Another friend has someone come in the morning from 6-8. The caregiver shows up and packs the kids meals, get the kids dressed, teeth brushed, ready to go to school, and takes them to the playground before school (this is their incentive for doing the morning routine speedily) and then drops them off at school. My friend and her husband are able to go off and exercise, and get ready without chasing after 3 kids. They get to work early so they can leave early. One morning a week the parents get breakfast together as a date and also as a “couple meeting” to figure out calendar logistics for the rest of the month.
-If outsourcing this stuff is not an option then I suggest making a schedule for your daughter. A visual schedule is so helpful because it keeps both you and her on track. It gives that weird evening no mans land time some structure. Then when you are super tired you can just go on auto pilot. Your daughter will also have more idea of the expectations and whats available when and probably not ask as many questions.
Anon in NYC says
This sounds kind of normal to me. It also sounds like you need a break.
The evenings are typically my daughter’s worst time in terms of whining and behavioral issues. That, coupled with the marathon that I feel like run every.damn.day between getting out the door, surviving at my mostly non-stressful job, and commuting home, I am DONE. Some days I keep checking the clock hoping that it’s bedtime. I feel awful saying that, but you’re not alone in having little to no patience in the evenings.
I find that I have a lot more patience in the evenings when I’ve done something to refill my cup, so to speak. For me right now, that’s typically going to a fun exercise class. Or a dinner with my girlfriends, or a date with my husband. Maybe getting engrossed in a book. Basically, semi-vacating my life for a few hours. I am so much more capable of handling a whiny kid when I’ve taken care of myself.
I know that you’re on your own a lot. Can you start paying for an after school sitter, 2x a week? Or if she’s still napping, maybe you can hire a high school or college kid to sit in your house for a few hours while you spend some time on your own?
ElisaR says
i don’t have any suggestions on how to fix it CPA Lady, but I just want to let you know that you’re not alone in this! I feel the very same way. Driving out of my parking lot at work I have to psych myself up “herrrrre we go…..” evenings are just so hard.
Frozen Peach says
This. I could have written your post word for word about my three year old, CPA lady.
lsw says
You are not alone. I’m doing more solo parenting than usual this month and yesterday as I drove to daycare pickup I found myself thinking, “well, three hours from now he’ll be in bed and I can go back to binge-watching Pretty Little Liars.” I love him but evenings are hard. Especially alone. Especially when even magic screen time doesn’t help because the “wrong” Thomas the Tank Engine theme song caused a complete screaming meltdown.
avocado says
You are not a monster. All of this is perfectly normal and also terribly miserable. A period of difficult mornings and/or evenings does not mean you are doomed to have a terrible relationship.
Here are some things that might help:
-Giving her a snack as soon as you put her in the car after pickup. In first grade my kid used to have regular meltdowns after sports practices. I started shoving a thermos of milk into her hands the instant she came out of practice, which helped a lot with the hangries.
-Parking her in front of the TV for half an hour or even an hour as soon as you walk in the door so you can both decompress and you can unload the car, empty lunchboxes, sort the mail, and get some food on the table.
-Freezer meals and takeout.
-A regular break for you. For me, getting out of the office at lunchtime for a walk or even a Target run is restorative because I don’t have to do anything for anyone else or talk to anybody. An exercise class while kiddo plays at the gym’s child care area is also great.
Hang in there. Remember, the days are long but the years are short. This season will pass soon enough, and then you’ll be on to the next challenge.
Anonymous says
Our twins are almost 2.5 and I’m going through the same evening slump. I get a small amount of quality time with them in the mornings (I get them all dressed and ready to go after family breakfast) and I love that part of our day, but when I get home it’s a lot of “MOMMY PLAY BLOCKS!” and fighting over who gets what book and I am BEAT and just want to zonk out before dinner. I’m extra lucky because my husband cooks, so all I have to do is hang out with them for 45 minutes and it is just so exhausting. I don’t know how SAHMs do it. So lately I’ve been doing TV every other day, and not feeling bad about on the off days saying what activities I’m willing to do. So Mommy doesn’t want to play blocks right now, but I will read you a book. Half the time they play blocks by themselves, half the time they do the thing I’m willing to stand for at 6pm. I feel maybe 10% guilty about it, but toddler time seems to just be survival mode!
Mrs. Jones says
You are not horrible. I don’t miss anything about having a 3-year-old. It will get better!
Emily S. says
Oh, honey, you are not alone! I have ugly cried in my garage to DH about how frustrating it is that I see my 3 year old for about 4 hours a day and 3.5 of those hours are her whining about dinner, etc. He responded that he feels that way every day, but that’s a different threadjack for a different day.
Others here turned me on to Janet Lansbury, and I +100 that recommendation for these trying times. FWIW, I have also found that going out to dinner, going for a walk, drop everything and play the minute I get home make these witching hours a little more bearable. So does ugly crying before crushing it in my home gym in the garage, and then going upstairs to ugly cry in guilt and by way of apology by DD bedside, sweet sleeping angel. Hugs! Hope you find the help you need to make it to 4…that’s when it gets better ladies, right?! Please tell me I’m right.
Anonymous says
Bahaha I’m home on mat leave. I have a 5 y/o and a 2 y/onand I foolishly dropped the 2 y/o to part time daycare. 5 y/o is home full time because it’s the last summer before kindergarten (sniff!).
I want to leave my 2 y/o on the firehouse doorsteps almost daily. Even on daycare days. Today we were at a local splash park for all of 15 min because 2 y/o wanted to get my attention by taking off her bathing suit and running into the parking lot. WTF. Ruined the adventure for us all. She’s cute as heck though.
SC says
It seems pretty normal to me. You are not horrible. 2.5 is a tough age, and evening is the toughest time of day for my kid.
One thing that helped me was hearing about exploration/attachment cycles. I’m not an expert here, but the basic theory is that children with healthy attachments rotate between exploring the world and returning to their parents for reassurance and safety. If your child is away from you during the day, that’s an extended period of “exploration” time. When she gets home, she wants engagement from you and a chance to reattach. Apparently, though, we don’t really outgrow it–so when we get home, we want to do the routines that make us feel comfortable and/or be with the people that make us feel comfortable. This really rang true for me–I want to walk in the door, change into pajamas, and then unload my day on DH. Then I want to sit on the couch and read a book. Kiddo, on the other hand, wants to walk in the door and unload all the tension of his day on me.
My solutions have been to (1) find a way to take 5-10 minutes to recharge. Sometimes, I take the long way home or sit in my driveway before walking the door. And (2) walk in the house ready for Kiddo. Look him in the eye, talk to him, take him for a walk, play a game or do a puzzle with him. Usually, 20-30 minutes of focused engagement with him helps him to wind down.
Also, I’ve admitted to myself that I don’t like sitting at home. That means I don’t like sitting at home and “just playing” with my kid. That does not make me a bad mother. It makes me the mother who’s going to take my kid on walks, to the park, to the library, to the pool, to Target, out for brunch or pizza, to the museum, etc. If I am going out, Kiddo is invited to come with me. If I am solo parenting, I plan outings, even if they’re small. Home is for meals and sleep and absolutely necessary cleaning. So, go ahead and take your kid to the grocery store or for a walk or whatever, every single night if you have to.
Anon says
I went through the same slump after my kid turned 2. Just DREADED the minute she would come back from daycare. Three things really helped: 1. Stuff her with food that keeps steady blood sugar like cheese and cucumbers right away which really curtailed the unreasonable tantrums. Basically I keep offering for like 20 min straight until she finally eats it; 2. Moved bed time 1 hr earlier (used to be 9:30, now 8:30). She doesn’t sleep but clearly needs the time to decompress and is a much better person the next day. 3. Provided more brain stimulating activities, which really cut down on the incessant request repeat deaf ears cycle.
On #3, our new “alone” activities are jigsaw puzzles (with few giant pieces, very easy), tetris puzzle blocks which was a surprising hit, legos with moving parts, old purses and clutches and bikinis with various closures, a small tookit to put random little toys into and seeing what happens. Most importantly though, I started incorporating her into my evening chores. She peels stickers off veggies (which I hate doing!) and washes them (they get rewashed), puts water into rice, mixes salads (with bare hands, I wash the heck out of her hands first), and “arranges” any non-hot food on plates (which really means it gets slopped onto our biggest plates with varied density). We have a Learning Tower that lets her get high enough for this. She also feeds the dog and loads the dishwasher, and recently I’m making progress in having her sort her own laundry. All this stuff is still exhausting but I feel a lot less hostile towards her when she seems genuinely curious about how to do something rather than just asking for this or that on repeat.
Above all – this is a phase!
Anonymous says
My sister just gave birth! Is there anything you all would like liked in those first few days? Trying to think of something thoughtful or useful I can have delivered since I won’t be able to visit in person for a couple of weeks.
LH says
Food. I got lots of stuff for the baby before birth, and the hospital gave me everything I needed for postpartum recovery, so the only thing I wanted was stuff to eat while nursing. And I was eating a lot of frozen food and stuff that was super easy to make (ahem, brownies) so I would have loved something a bit healthier. Not necessarily a salad, but a healthy snack like nuts or fruit would have been great.
Anonymous says
Food – I love the edible arrangements I got because I could eat them with zero cutting prep/effort. I froze extra fruit to use in smoothies – 1 cup frozen fruit, 1 cup yoghurt, 1 scoop protein powder.
Anon in NYC says
YES. Food, and fresh, healthy food is even better.
I also was sort of starved for breakfast and lunch items. Getting out of the house at a reasonable time with a newborn was hard. So I’d find myself at 11am having not eaten anything, with a sleeping baby, and starving. So maybe a small deli platter from a local grocery store? The sandwiches can keep for a few days.
Emily S. says
Yes! People kindly drop off casseroles, but breakfast and snacks are so appreciated! I loved mini muffins and bars and other things that can be eaten standing up, with one hand. Also, little things just for her, like a pretty pair of earrings or indulgent hand lotion (since she’s going to be washing her hands all the time).
puddlejumper says
-pay for some post partum doula hours
-a house cleaner
-Food delivery
-pay for someone to come prep food in her house so its healthy and not just delivery food
– a babysitter to watch the other kids if she has others
– a dog walker if she has a pet
AwayEmily says
FOOOOOD. Send her some homemade rice krispie treats. Can be eaten one-handed, aren’t super heavy like brownies or cookies, and you can tell yourself they have vitamins.
Or any other food delivery if you don’t want to make something — I appreciated all that so much. Harry and David, Zingermans, Mouth — whatever. Just having easy to eat food around the house was amazing (I would be cautious about sending stuff that needs to be frozen unless you know she has room — I ended up having to throw away a bunch of well-intentioned frozen meals because there literally was not room in our freezer).
Em says
The best thing we received was a giant fruit tray, a giant veggie tray, and a giant meat and cheese tray from a local grocery store. Healthy, easy to grab or make into an actual meal, and we could feed it to visitors.
ElisaR says
food. one of my husband’s friends from far away sent a TON of food from the honey baked ham company….. including CHEESECAKE.
it was all frozen and we worked our way through it. it was great. i have since gifted it to a friend and the only downside is….. it’s not cheap.
GCA says
1. Snacks that either don’t need refrigeration (whole rather than cut fruit, granola bars) or freeze well, and/or
2. Gift card for food delivery service like Grubhub or grocery delivery service like Instacart (because she can then pick whatever meals or snacks she needs).
caveat – you know her living situation and whether she has a fridge big enough for all of the things. We have a teeny tiny fridge in an apartment kitchenette and loads of food from friends and family just wouldn’t have worked.
Anonymous says
My 5 month old is army crawling, but the only thing that motivates her to do it is a screen. She won’t crawl to us or a toy. But if there’s a phone or computer a few feet away, she’ll slowly work her way over there. I don’t know if I should be proud or disturbed. And does this mean we have to start limiting how much we use our devices in front of her? She’s never had “screen time” where we plop her in front of a TV or computer, but she has definitely seen us using them and appears to be entranced…
Anon in NYC says
As far as I can tell, all babies love screens. We chose to limit our personal screen time in front of our kid when she was younger for this reason.
I personally wouldn’t worry that much about her not yet being motivated to crawl for toys or to you guys. She’ll get there eventually when she’s frustrated that she can’t have either thing without moving.
Pogo says
Army crawling at 5mos is great. Mine didn’t “actually crawl” (up on all fours) til maybe… 8 or 9 mos?
And yes, screens are fascinating and all babies love them. I didn’t use it as a motivator to get mine to crawl bc I didn’t worry so much about the crawling. The only thing I worry about now is if I put my phone down anywhere my son can see it, he will crawl, jump, climb, stand on things, etc to try and get it. Because he knows it’s a screen and it’s super exciting, even tho he doesn’t actually get screen time! They still know what it is.
Anonymous says
How unprofessional is it to bring your baby on a work trip, along with an adult caretaker? I need to travel for work shortly after returning from maternity leave. Baby will be 5 months old at the time of the trip and exclusively breastfed unless something changes between now and then (she’s 3 months currently and EBF). DH will be on paternity leave and would come with me to be the primary caretaker. He doesn’t expect to see me for meals and understands that I would be attending the conference during the day and going out with colleagues at night. A childless friend balked at this plan and said it was really unprofessional. But I hate to wean the baby so early just because of this trip and the idea of mailing milk home is really daunting.
Anonymous says
I think that celebs / Marissa Meyer types probably do this all the time. I don’t think it’s unprofessional per se.
Serena Williams played in a tournament that I saw on TV on TU. Her husband was there and I’m assuming their daughter was also there.
Anonymous says
Totally fine. It’s not like you are bringing your baby to the conference events.
If the conference was in your city, you’d go home and see them in the evening. You’re just ‘going home’ to a hotel room instead.
Opposing counsel on a trial I had did this for a trial that was out of town. She got an AirBnB instead of a hotel. It was great because she didn’t have to try and go home and see her family on the weekends like I did with my school aged kids.
Lyssa says
I think that it’s completely fine provided that (1) you are largely still present at the conference (you’re not missing every other session or whatever to spend time with them) and (2) they mainly stay in the public areas of the hotel (or in the room, of course). I do think that it would be fairly unprofessional to walk around with the baby during, say, networking time (unless families are explicitly invited) or bring the baby into the conference areas while people are presenting. But it seems silly to worry about them being in the same hotel.
That said, I might not mention it to your boss/coworkers, as it could give the impression that you’re not ready to be separated and focus on work yet.
anon says
Agree. As long as they aren’t present at the conference or conference events, I think it is totally fine. It is definitely something I would have considered if I had been in your situation. Being able to exclusively bfeed was really important to me and I would have risked looking unprofessional to do so. And I probably did. As it was, I would leave meetings (even board meetings) early or arrive late due to pumping.
Anonymous says
I know people who have done this. If it works for you, just do it. Be professional when you’re at the conference, and that will settle the matter.
Pogo says
I have some friends who are in the medical field who have done this when they needed to attend conferences very soon after baby was born (somehow it seems like doctors don’t get maternity leave? of all people!). I don’t think anyone thought it was weird at all.
I will say 5mos is not unreasonable to be away from kiddo. If you have means to fly out husband and baby during your trip, that’s awesome. But it’s also totally doable to have husband take care of baby at home while you pump (given that you built up a freezer stash).
ElisaR says
totally fine and if anything i’d say it is very professional. it shows your commitment to your job and your child and your ability to problem solve!
anon says
I did this when there was a conference that I was supposed to go to while on maternity leave with a 4 mo. It technically worked, but not very well. I found it really hard to focus when I had to keep track of the next time I had to go pump/nurse. This of course was coupled with arranging for my husband to be in the same place at the right time, coupled of course with the baby’s somewhat disordered schedule. Then there was keeping my husband and baby happy…
It turned out that my husband was very stressed out trying to keep the baby happy since it was his first time being solely responsible for this baby for a whole day in a hotel. (He’d done lots of solo parenting with our first, but wasn’t very good at reading number two’s cues yet.) He blamed me when the baby wouldn’t sleep, or was gassy, or was otherwise fussy. He wanted me to come and fix it, and of course the baby instantly calmed down once I showed up. But I was supposed to be at the conference, not calming a baby in my hotel room. He also didn’t want any advice since he considered himself an experienced parent. There was lots of tension, even though we don’t normally have tension.
Basically, it was a waste. I was stressed trying to fit in clothes with leaky boobs with an upset husband and an equally upset baby while trying to focus on stuff I didn’t really care about with minimal sleep. I should have just stayed home.
avocado says
I have seen this done at conferences all the time. It is not unprofessional unless your spouse and child are sitting in on conference sessions or hanging out in the hallways. It especially bugs me when people have their spouse stand in the back of the room holding their baby while they are giving a presentation, and I don’t understand how it isn’t terribly distracting to the presenter.
I brought my husband and daughter to a conference when she was a toddler and it was totally fine. They went off and did touristy things by themselves during the day, then joined me and colleagues for dinner.
I would not bring the family on a business trip other than a conference or low-intensity training, though. I tried bringing my family on a site visit once and it was a total disaster. My husband hogged the bathroom in the mornings and made me late, and I missed out on team dinners. It undermined my credibility with my colleagues and I will never do it again.
Anonymous says
I travel for work and on my 3rd EBF kid. You don’t need to bring the family if you don’t want to wean. You can (a) let baby have formula whileylj are gone, pump & dump.
(B) build up a freezer stash, leave formula in case of emergencies. Pump & dump or pack it all up and bring it home (you don’t need to mail- a large cooler works fine).
But,if those don’t appeal to you, bring the family as long as they are largely invisible. Meaning, they don’t interfere with work events/dinners, etc.
Edna Mazur says
Dinner :) A delivery person showing up at my door at no cost and no planning with food for my family and I. Pizza, anything.
Edna Mazur says
Obviously for above, and congratulations on the niece/nephew! Hope you can visit soon.
Anonymous says
My husband and I disagree on what house/apartment to buy. Some big picture categorical differences in that he’s comfortable spending more money (not like more than we could afford, in fairness, I would just rather spend less) and would take character in exchange for a place that maybe needs work or has less square feet, I kind of just want to move into a nice place, or a place cheap enough that we could renovate it before we move in.
anyway, the specifics not as important – anyone been there/done that have advice on how to navigate? We are looking in a very low-inventory area so waiting around for a place we both love is probably not realistic. He is definitely more emotionally invested in this than me, so part of me thinks I should just give in.
Anonymous says
You’ve described my entire life only reversed. I am comfortable spending more. Ultimately, I give in every. single. time. It gets old, but I have a hard time doing something hubby is uncomfortable with. We were recently in this situation with whether to build a new house or do some renovations in our existing house and stay for another 4ish years. Ultimately we decided to stay (not my preference). My compromise is that the renovations are exactly what I want and more extensive than hubby really needs/cares about.
AIMS says
Have you actually started looking? Because if this is just hypothetical I think the best thing to do is actually go see a lot of places. We realized in the course of a long search in a tight and competitive market that we actually largely agreed on where we wanted to live when we found those places. In the abstract we had disagreements about “must haves” and budget but I can’t think of one place that he loved and I hated and vice versa.
Pogo says
+1 I was the one willing to spend more/wanted something move in ready/did not want to renovate at all. Husband wanted to save $100K and accept “cosmetic fixes”. Once we actually saw houses (many, many houses) we realized what those kind of fixes would really entail and it turns out we were totally on the same page. I think if you’re talking like, $500K or $1M difference in budget, that’s one thing. But if it’s more like $100-200K (at least in my area) the houses won’t be THAT different and you’ll find something you can compromise on.
Anonymous says
Decide on your combined deal breakers list and a separate preferences list and don’t waste time looking at places that don’t have the deal breakers.
Our deal breakers were 1. backyard 2. 4 bedrooms on same floor 3. separate guest bedroom/office space with minimum half bath for MIL’s long visits 4. within 15 mins of my office and 30 mins of DH’s (no viable neighborhoods closer to his office) 5. minimum single car garage. Very low turnover in our preferred neighborhood so we sent out letters to houses we thought might be options based on house size and lot size (city tax website). 30 letters, 3 responses, looked at 2 and bought 1. We looked for 7 years before that.
My preferences would have been lots of other things like a double garage and being on a cul de sac and fewer renovations needed. It’s a pain not to have gotten those things but I really love our current house.
ifiknew says
Tell me more about writing letters to ask people if they were interested in selling their home. What did you say in your letter? Were the homes already listed for sale when you wrote the letter or completely out of the blue? This is super interesting to me and something I’d love to do..
Anonymous says
We wrote completely out of the blue. We used the city website to scope out which houses had an approximate size and lot that they might be good options and a tax value that was in the range we could afford. Letter was only a couple paragraphs – main points:
– a little about our family – 3 kids, grew up in the area and look forward to raising our kids in the area.
– what we are looking for: garage, 4 bedrooms or 3 large bedrooms, at least 2 bathrooms – just the key points
– if they are interested in selling in the next 3-4 months.
The house we bought was built by the previous owner and sold to us on private sale. It’s never been on the market.
BigLaw Sr Assoc says
Can you try to come to a compromise? I had something somewhat similar go down when we were buying. I wanted to spend about half of what my husband wanted to spend – i thought we should get a condo and he wanted a fairly large house. (We were both in the no renos camp). I simply felt less comfortable taking on the risk of a giant mortgage. We compromised, and ended up with a slightly larger condo that I would have chosen on my own, and we’ve agreed we are open to getting the simgle family home he had envisioned once we have saved more money and our income stream seems more guaranteed. We plan to reassess every few years or so.
Anon says
Any super pregnant women out there? What are you doing to keep your sanity in the last stretch? I am both apprehensive of the insanity that I know is heading my way and ready for this level of physical discomfort to end…
Boston Legal Eagle says
Not quite super pregnant yet, but at 31 weeks, I am feeling all ththe discomforts of heartburn, difficulty breathing and exhaustion. Not sure how I’m going to handle 2 more months of this! I had a prenatal massage recently, which helped a lot with the hip and back pain. Pedicures and ice cream have been nice too. Swimming is great if you can. Hang in there, you’re almost there! The newborn stage is no joke but at least both you and spouse can suffer together!
LH says
I felt that way at the end of pregnancy! With the caveat that I lucked out with a very good sleeper and we had a lot of family help for the first few weeks, I thought the newborn days were easier than late pregnancy. I wasn’t sleeping much in the last month anyway, because I was so physically uncomfortable and getting up to pee all the time. I slept horribly in the hospital, but as soon as I got home, I slept well and pretty much instantly felt like a new person. I also found the “when will she come?” anticipation of late pregnancy to be incredibly mentally exhausting, and even though new babies are a lot of work, I didn’t have that waiting and wondering anymore and I felt a lot better mentally. Congrats and good luck!
lsw says
I don’t know if this helps, but having a newborn was way better and easier for me than pregnancy! You’re almost there!
Anonymous says
Swimming! I was in the pool every day until the day I gave birth!
Anonymous says
My baby was born this week so this is still on my mind! I worked from home the last few weeks (dealing with contractions during meetings wasn’t working for me) and spent a lot of time at night watching thrillers- I don’t usually love intense tv, but it was the only thing that could fully occupy my mind.
Anonymous says
We have been looking; we are kind of zoned in on two very different places (an affordable apartment v a townhouse with a rental unit that requires renovations). Neither of us hates the one the other loves, it’s more just a preference issue. I think I’m much more head over heart on this and looking at what will make our lives easy in terms of money and stress and he is the opposite and looking at what would be “living the dream”. We’ve been looking for quite a while.