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Air travel and pumping says
I know that I get to bring my pump, supplies, milk etc. through security in my hand luggage. But do I get an extra bag in order to do that? In other words – can I have my carryon suitcase, my work backpack or purse, and a third bag for my Spectra and pump misc/milk? Or am I still limited to 2 bags and either need to consolidate pumping plus purse or check the suitcase?
Anonymous says
You’ll probably be fine unless you run into someone mean but honestly don’t do it. Check the suitcase. The airplane isn’t magically going to get bigger, lugging two things onto it is enough.
GCA says
If I’m traveling solo I hate checking luggage, so I used to cram everything into my work backpack (but I traveled only with a hand pump and hakaa). If you’ll be traveling or commuting a fair bit, maybe invest in a backpack with a dedicated space for the pump? Back in my pumping days, Sarah Wells backpacks were the only brand available, but I think there are more out on the market now at a range of price points.
anon says
Currently pumping and traveling for work. Yes, you can carry on a third bag for medical supplies including pump and milk. I bought a Fit n Fresh cooler bag from Target that basically looks like a purse. Remember those black Kate Spade shopping bags from the late 90s? It’s basically a cheaper version of that. TSA has never given me a hard time though some flight attendants have asked and when you say it’s a medical device they back off.
I use a Spectra at home but found it too big for travel. I recommend getting something smaller like a Medela Pump in Style or wearable pumps. I have the Momcozy wearable pumps and while they’re too big to wear at work, they’re effective and good for pumping on the plane and getting from place to place.
AwayEmily says
Yes, you get an extra bag. For work travel I do carry-on only with a duffel for myself, my big work purse (laptop/etc) and then a canvas tote bag with the Spectra pump, charger, parts, and cooler. I think one time a gate agent asked me about the extra bag, I opened it to show my pump, and it was NBD. I traveled a ton (three kids) and it wasn’t ever a problem.
Anon says
Yep you get an extra bag.
Anonymous says
Are any of you aware of sites where female athletes talk about hitting puberty and challenges they had with grooming and periods and keeping up in their sports. My kids are at that stage where they used to love swimming but hair management has made them not want to keep it up (and they still only use pads, but period swimwear is at least an option now). And I remembered that this and how to not feel so exposed when I had periods was one of the main reasons I quit gymnastics (but with no one to talk to or ask why I didn’t want to do it anymore or sense of how to get help or options with this). I know that maybe it’s not a fair world where women’s and girls sports require outfits that are so revealing, but I just think it would be helpful for them to read things and know they aren’t alone (they are too shy still to talk to even their dad about this)?
Anonymous says
That’s so sad can they change their hair styles?
Anon says
I think she’s talking more about shaving needs than hair on the head
Spirograph says
I think it’s p*bic hair she’s talking about.
And OP, I’m not aware of any, but I hope you find some… my daughter is still a few years away from puberty (I hope!) but this will be A Thing in her sport too.
The change in Wimbledon dress code for women made the news a few weeks ago, loosening the “all whites” rule for women so they can feel more comfortable playing during their period. I read a good article in NYT about it, but I’m sure there are others that aren’t paywalled, and probably some video reactions as well.
Anonymous says
I don’t think that’s the kind of hair she means.
Anonymous says
Ohhhh my bad. Get them swim shorts then there are plenty of cute ones.
Anonymous says
Try Girlology.
Anonymous says
Shorts are now allowed in gymnastics competition, although some clubs are resistant.
Anon says
As someone who quit swimming competitively / had always planned on being a lifeguard but never got certified because of period issues, I feel for your girls! I really struggled with tampons as a teen and I’m so grateful that period swimsuits are not an option, but I’m also heartbroken for my teenage self that that wasn’t an option back then.
It might not be immediate, but I do think such great changes are coming (period underwear, more sports allowing shorts or less revealing uniforms, some professional / national team level women’s soccer teams refusing to wear white shorts).
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Wow – as someone who had 0 athletic abilities growing up, I never realized this was an issue for female athletes, but of course it makes total sense. Thank you for sharing this, and I hope you find some great resources for your awesome kids.
Anon says
Buy board shorts for them. That’s what I did and it kept me in the water and I will absolutely do the same for my kids. It’s better sun protection, more practical for activity, and doesn’t require attention to the bikini line at a young age. It’s good you’re thinking about us and looking for solutions because it’s really important.
Anon says
Also, lots of sites now talk about menstrual cups and sports. They have been such a gamechanger for girls and women and there are more options available than ever before to try.
AwayEmily says
Yup. Bikini bottoms are ridiculous. I switched to swim shorts (not board shorts, but “boy short” style bottoms) for myself years ago and I LOVE it. My daughter is now 7 and she has never worn a regular girls’ bathing suit — I get her cute separates (boy shorts and rash guards) from all sorts of places — UV Skinz, Primary, City Threads, Lands End.
Anonymous says
It’s not just swimming — volleyball, gymnastics, running, and track all seem to have this issue. IDK why — it seems to tell girls and women that unless you are a certain shape, sports aren’t for you (and if you wear pads, everyone will know and there is no hiding any leaks or anything).
[I do feel bad for male athletes having a lot of exposure through very tight clothing, but I feel like for girls it is worse because of the expectation that all of you is always covered with a thin strip of lycra if not actually visible — volleyball bikinis, looking especially at you.]
AwayEmily says
Yup. Bikini bottoms are ridiculous. I switched to swim shorts (not board shorts, but “boy short” style bottoms) for myself years ago and I LOVE it. My daughter is now 7 and she has never worn a regular girls’ bathing suit — I get her cute separates (boy shorts and rash guards) from all sorts of places — UV Skinz, Primary, City Threads, Lands End.
Anon says
I dress my 6 year old the same way but I’m not sure how much longer I’m going to be able to get away with it. Already she is the only girl at the pool her age with this look, and I imagine at some point she’s going to complain.
Anonymous says
Yep. I insist on a rash guard between 10 am and 4 pm because otherwise my fair-skinned child will burst into flames, but there is no way she is wearing swim shorts. She chooses a fitted rash guard from a surf brand rather than the dorky baggy childish styles from kids’ clothing brands. The wetsuit thing below is nuts unless they are swimming in open water and it’s freezing. They will overheat.
anon says
For me, I’m a fan of swim shorts + athletic bikini top + rash guard when extra sun protection is desired. Land’s End, Tyr, Primary all have decent options.
My kids like to swim in wetsuits for the warmth and less area to sunscreen.
Anon318 says
I feel for your kids! I don’t have anything directly helpful, but I would recommend that you (and maybe your kids) read Lauren Fleshman’s book “Good for a Girl” and listen to her interview on the podcast “Nobody Asked Us” with Des Linden and Kara Goucher. In the interview, Fleshman said something to the effect of: if we could just communicate to girls that puberty is a short and necessary transition and world records are set by grown-a** women, then maybe we could stop fighting our bodies and recognize that every change makes us better.
My sport of choice in adolescence didn’t have the hair exposure issue, but tampons and a great sports bra significantly improved my sport performance. Can you ask moms of older girls on their team how they have walked through these issues? I hope you find a way through this that puts your kids in the drivers’ seats of their athletic futures!
Anon says
i recall feeling sooo upset that I had my period in 7th grade when my family was going to be in Florida for my grandparents’ anniversary party and I wasn’t yet ready to try tampons, so no advice, but commiseration and fortunately for me that year it ended up being too cold to swim
Anon says
I’m in my 30s and I was still very upset when I planned two epic multi-day river rafting trips, specifically selecting weeks that I shouldn’t be on my period, and then my cycle unfortunately came off-schedule for both trips. I now consider myself cursed for river trips.
Anonymous says
You know you can skip your period right?
https://hellowisp.com/products/norethindrone?g_keyword=&g_campaignid=17367180928&g_adtype=none&g_adgroupid=&g_keywordid=&g_network=x&g_acctid=128-321-3095&g_campaign=PMax+-+Delayed+Period&g_adid=&gclid=Cj0KCQjwrMKmBhCJARIsAHuEAPRTYOdMhuxLkChSJrO-DHH73cF3D3FUHBk8bAj5-HuApjPardnTKzAaAoD6EALw_wcB
Anonymous says
Not if you don’t want to take artificial hormones.
Anon says
I would have liked to do something like that, but I can’t take hormonal birth control, unfortunately.
Anonymous says
Not really an option a young kid has at the ready.
FVNC says
As a former competitive swimmer, my heart goes out to your girls! If you’re talking about competitive swimming, they’re going to have to get comfortable with tampons or cups. Buy some different brands with different applicators to see if they can find one that’s comfortable. They’ll also have to get comfortable shaving. I realize this is peal-clutchy of me, but I’m a bit horrified by the cuts of practice swim suits — they seem to require a ridiculous level of hair maintenance. Just be straight with them about all this — yeah, it’s annoying but it’s like learning any new thing in that you get better with practice.
If this is just swimming for fun / non-competition, I like the idea of swim shorts. I’ve seen more of those on kids and adults around the pool this summer!
Anonymous says
I swam competitively as well, and remember this being hard. At first, I tried using a pad in my suit, which was disastrous as it was the kind that has gel inside that swells up when wet, so I had this giant bulge in my crotch. Never tried that again. I think for a while I just wore nothing when I swam, as the amount of blood wasn’t typically very much and I think I was under the impression that flow stopped while you swam. Also, we were generally supposed to wear 2 suits in practice during training when I was younger (to create extra drag – I don’t think this is as popular now), so that helped camouflage. At some point I got comfortable wearing tampons. I shaved my pubes and pits but we weren’t allowed to shave our legs except for big meets, so that was hard in a different way.
If they are on a team, they are not going to want to wear anything different than their peers or maybe even be allowed to, but I would see if you can at least get a black suit that will hide any stains for practice.
FVNC says
Complete aside – I had completely forgotten about wearing two swim suits! Wow, that takes me back.
That seems to have gone away; I see kids at practice these days wearing just one suit, with the aforementioned “scandalous-to-me” cut that reveals most of one’s rear-end.
Anon says
And the boys would shave their legs before meets to reduce drag!
Anonymous says
I don’t understand how those swimsuits don’t create uncomfortable wedgies.
Anonymous says
Honestly, parents are very often the biggest problem here. Moms often resist letting their daughters try shaving, waxing, tampons, etc., or give their daughters the message that they should be upset and ashamed rather than practical advice. My mom refused to let me shave until I was in high school and it was humiliating. When I got my period at age 15 I quickly realized that pads were not going to work for me so I walked to the grocery store, bought a box of tampons, and figured it out for myself. The girls at school who refused to swim, were upset about their periods, and had leaks were the ones who used pads.
Just offer your daughters all the options (tampons with and without applicator, cup, pads, period swimsuit) and let them figure out what works for them. Same for hair removal–offer shaving, waxing, Nair, and shorts when feasible. Quitting sports for this reason should not even be mentioned as an option. The assumption should be that they can and will make it work, and that the love of the sport will outweigh the logistical hassles. My daughter dislikes tampons but loves surfing and doesn’t often get the chance to do it, so she will always opt to figure it out rather than miss a chance to surf.
Anon says
Completely agree with quitting sports for this reason not being an option. That is VERY worth taking a firm stance on, IMO.
Anonymous says
Kids are getting periods younger and younger though – my son’s 10 year old friend got hers. I can’t imagine using a tampon at 10 even with parental encouragement. 15 is a whole different ballgame.
Anonymous says
So why can’t a 10-year-old wear a period swimsuit, then?
Anonymous says
Why not? They make very small tampons.
Anonymous says
Yeah, I think for many kids that would be less traumatic than the alternatives.
Anon says
Agreed, learning to use a tampon early to get that many more years of comfortable, safe swimming seems important. I feel bad for the girls that start menstruating so early, but getting the tools they need to minimize the impact on their active, playful lives might really help.
Anon says
+1 I would not be pressuring a 10 year old to use a tampon.
Anonymous says
So you would let her quit swim team? Why not offer her tampons and a period swimsuit and let her decide?
Anon says
Yes I would let a 10 year old quit swim team if she didn’t want to use tampons. It’s her choice. I didn’t use a tampon until I was in college and sexually active. I’m glad my mom didn’t force me.
Anonymous says
Offering tampons as one option is hardly forcing her. The fact that you didn’t want to use tampons as a teen doesn’t mean that they aren’t incredibly empowering for other girls. That’s why multiple options exist.
Anonymous says
Of course I would encourage her to try using a tampon and discourage her from quitting–actually I would strongly encourage her to just bleed in the pool in a dark suit and not worry about it over quitting–but my point is I can understand that parental encouragement might not be enough to get a 10 year old comfortable inserting a tampon of any size. And period suits might be disallowed by her team or noticeable to other kids as a period suit rather than a practice suit; I also don’t see how they are more hygienic than just bleeding in a normal suit; either way, some blood is going to escape. Swimmers also constantly pee and blow their noses into the pool, FYI.
Anon says
You said “would you let her quit swim team?” And yes I would let her quit if she prefers that to tampons. Of course if she wants to use them, it’s a different story.
Anonymous says
I’m glad I’m not the only who thinks just bleeding into the pool is a fine option. This is what my mom told me to do during high school PE when I didn’t want to use tampons (period swimwear didn’t exist, and swim class was mandatory). Most teen girls have a pretty light flow at least for the first year or two. A dark towel around the waist is essential for getting too/from the pool.
Anon says
I posted below about my 10.5 year old. Thank you so much to those that suggest just bleeding through their swimsuit. I had never thought of this… I’m going to tell my daughter that this is a perfectly fine option!
Though the issue at swim meets is she actually spends less time in the pool than out of it just hanging out and I don’t know if just freely bleeding in the bleachers is the best thing…? Maybe the dark towel is enough, though?
Anon says
My daughter got her period when she was 10.5. Teaching her how to put in a tampon was … an experience for both us. Equal parts laughter and tears.
She has decided that she’s not really ready for a tampon yet.
I did buy her period swimsuit, but she doesn’t love that either, so she now just avoids the pool and quit swim team, which makes me sad, but I’m letting her find her way here.
The same thing with hair- she has inherited my husband’s hairy genes. I want her to be comfortable with *and* without hair, so I offer to teach her how to shave but also say that letting her hair grow is perfectly acceptable too and many people opt for that too (including me.). (The Puberty Podcast did a great episode on talking to your kids about body hair and I found it really helpful in how I frame things.)
Anonymous says
In my house whether and how to deal with hair and what type of feminine protection to use are both the child’s choice, but quitting sports over normal development is not an option. Every kid does one organized athletic/fitness activity and one artistic activity, selected by the child within reason. No exceptions.
Anon says
This is my approach too. It can absolutely be done with compassion, both in the short and long-term.
Anon says
Every family is different but this seems overly rigid to me. In our family, activities are meant to bring joy and whether or not to do them is entirely up to the child.
Anon says
It definitely can seem rigid, but I’ve observed that the kids that quit sports for normal development reasons frequently never go back. It’s a source of joy in my family that so many of us are still doing the activities in adulthood that we wanted to quit when we were moody teens with body image issues. It’s a long game for us.
Anonymous says
I believe that letting a girl quit sports over her period sends the wrong message for a million reasons, both about her body and about persistence in general. We are women. We kick @$$ and take names, no matter what day of the month it is.
Anon says
I had parents who had a similar attitude about never quitting and it was really toxic and damaging. Letting my kid quit non-essential things they don’t want to do anymore is one of the things I feel most strongly about as a parent. I would be disappointed if my daughter quit an activity she loved just because of her period and would certainly try to help her brainstorm potential alternative solutions, but I firmly believe it’s ultimately her choice.
Anonymous says
I am fine with kids quitting activities they no longer love, and I have let my kids do just that plenty of times. It’s quitting for the wrong reasons that I won’t tolerate. But I also believe that if the mom has a good attitude and provides her daughter with the right options, the daughter is very likely to make the mature choice to keep playing sports when she gets her period and it won’t be necessary for the mom to push her to continue. I mean, really, you all want your daughters to be disempowered teens who are afraid of their own bodies?
Anon says
I think it gets very dicey when parents are the ones deciding what the “right” reasons are. And I don’t think not wanting to use a tampon as a 10 year old means you’re “disempowered” or are going to be afraid of your body as a teen or adult. 10 is still so little. Gosh, my daughter was still playing with dolls at that age.
Anon @ 2:48 says
My child became a hysterical crying mess every time she has her period and it was swim clinic day. So I guess for me and her, the compassionate thing was to give her time, and keep offering solutions, not to insist that she go to swim clinic and be miserable and wet and incomfortable. It’s only been a year, so I don’t see it as she has quit swimming forever. I think there is a wide range of how people become comfortable with something; some just take a while.
Also- I think people experience periods in different way. I had very very painful cramps as a teenager. Needing to take it easy and not though their way through a rough period day does not make anyone any less of a woman.
AIMS says
Just to answer your original question, OP, there was some discussion of this in the context of the all white Wimbledon uniforms for female tennis players last year ( I think). It was really eye opening and the athletes who spoke out shared some really compelling stories /made great points. Maybe your daughter would appreciate hearing about it.
Anon2 says
Am I out of bounds if I just blow off a nurse case manager that calls from my health insurance? I’m 24 weeks pregnant and just missed a call/got a VM from them, so I’m sure the call is related to my pregnancy. I believe the health insurance industry is the absolute devil and don’t need help from some rando person to manage my case. I’m high risk and have a care team I trust implicitly at one of the best hospitals in the world. I neither trust my insurance company nor some random nurse who calls me out of the blue at 24 weeks to have any helpful opinions or guidance. Plus, I also sincerely believe they’re out to help the insurance company and not me. Am I way off?
Anon says
So many women don’t have any care, so this may be all that some women get. Insurance company is aligning its interests with policy holders’ here — pregnancy complications can be dire for the woman and also costly, so everyone loses. It’s fine to gently opt out but the nurse is just doing what she or he is hired for — to try to help people at a point they often need it, especially if navigating it for the first time.
Anonymous says
Nope
Anon says
Nope, you can just ignore the phone call and if they call back and actually get a hold of you, a polite “no thanks” is totally fine! Case managers can be helpful in determining services/coverage so I wouldn’t completely write them off if you need them in the future (the ones through the hospital system are likely overworked and underpaid) but if you don’t need them now, don’t worry about it!
OP says
Thanks. I’ve also been fighting this same insurance company for four years in the context of fertility treatments to get to this pregnancy in the first place so I’m extra angry with them as a whole. I will be perfectly polite to whoever calls me, but it’s gonna be a hard pass from me.
thanks!
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Hi! Health care admin person here – have worked for a really great/well-regarded insurer/provider, currently at a big hospital.
So while most insurers, historically have been focused on profit in general – there has been a shift to value overall, meaning that good outcomes for patients are increasingly important for their bottom lines (I know, why this is new is so confounding). A lot of these outreach programs they have are to extend another resource to you and shouldn’t cost you anything – you’re already paying for it. Think of it as how most insurance plans now have to cover breast pumps. You’re already paying for it so if it’s not too much to reach out (or they likely will reach out again), it’s an extra layer of support and navigation — if well done on their end.
Anon318 says
This. My husband recently had a medical emergency that required follow up care with his PCP and another specialist, as well as outpatient imaging follow up. I’m a do-er and had appointments lined up before he was discharged from the hospital, but the case manager called the day after discharge and offered to help finding providers and making appointments. I declined since we had a handle on it, but was thrilled to hear that support exists for those without a family or other support system. My husband would 100% have needed it if I had not been there to help.
So, yes, decline if you don’t need it :)
Mary Moo Cow says
My insurance program tied taking calls from the NCM to waiving the hospital co-pay, so if you are enrolled in the Healthy Beginnings program or program where you don’t have to pay your hospital co-pay if you participate, then I would hesitate to blow off the NCM. It was pretty painless; I think I had two short phone calls over the 6 months I was in the program and saved $300.
Anonymous says
I am suspicious that these types of programs are designed to force people to adhere to one-size-fits-all regimens of care, so I wouldn’t participate unless there were a clear benefit such as those described below (coordination of care, waiver of deductible). I don’t need some nurse practitioner reading me the same canned lectures I get at my doctor’s appointments.
Anonymous says
+1. I work in insurance appeals (on the patient’s side), and my experience is that these care managers are often trying to discourage people from going along with whatever care their doctor is recommending and pushing cheaper options instead (even if those cheaper options have already failed or are obviously not appropriate). Insurance companies are in the business of making money.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I’ve talked to DH about this but would love the wisdom from this group. Another novel – thanks in advance for the counsel.
My MIL arrives today for “grandma camp” with DS #1 (5.5). We’ll be on a trip for some of the time she’s here. I should mention she recently got a Parkinson’s diagnosis (is on medication) and we just don’t know how much longer she’ll be able to do this kind of stuff with our kids. I should also mention there’s some history here where this is kind of a “second chance” of her staying with us like this. I know we are very lucky to have a grandparent willing to spend this kind of time, and I should note DS #1 always has a lot of fun with her when he visits her and they have 1/1 time, so some of this may be my own stuff.
My concern – we live in a major city. She’s not used to navigating the big city freeway driving and parking, and is VERY easily overwhelmed when it’s not her normal surroundings. I can’t imagine her taking DS #1 to an attraction 1 hour away from our house and managing the parking, tickets, making sure DS #1 gets fed before meltdown, etc. Another minor gripe – she’s also not great about keeping DS #1 on a schedule per se around food – it’s a lot of “hey are you hungry?” vs. “it’s lunchtime, let’s eat”, doesn’t think to pack snacks, etc.
I talked to DH, and I was like – hey is there a way we can nudge her to do stuff close to home? He agreed, but also wants to assess once she’s here. We have plenty of stuff nearby, can get her a guest pass to our pool (I think), and I’d love if in addition to these options, she and DS #1 spent time at home doing “projects” like science stuff, baking/making ice cream, etc.
Has anyone else navigated this? I’m thinking just to be direct once it comes up, maybe even giving her a list of fun stuff nearby. As for the food, maybe just keep my mouth shut until if/when happens and then ask DH resolve?
Anon says
Our attitude with grandparent caregivers is that we worry about safety stuff – mainly car safety and water safety – and let everything else go. In this scenario, my only concern would be the driving. If she goes too long without feeding him and he has a meltdown, she will have to deal with the consequence of the meltdown. It sounds like you’re more concerned about her emotions regarding the big city stuff and not actual safety, but I think it’s a conversation you and your husband have to have. Limiting a grandparent to at-home stuff in the absence of a safety issue with driving is not fair, imo.
Anon says
+1 to focus on safety and let everything else go.
Also, does she want to do at-home projects? My parents are great with the kids and love watching them, but this is not their thing (and it wasn’t their thing as parents either!). They’re great for outings big or small, the park or pool, playing at home, having my kids “help” them with their projects but they’ll never be the kid-focused “project” person (which is fine, I am rarely that person!).
Anon says
Yeah that jumped out at me too. I would really struggle to entertain my 5 year old with at-home projects and I don’t think it’s a fair restriction for grandparents either. Unless you feel that they can’t safely drive.
CCLA says
I’d separate safety issues from things like schedules, and focus only on the former. If you’re worried about her ability to safely transport kiddo, that’s a conversation I’d have up front, and honestly if you’re worried about her driving longer distances, I’d consider whether you want her taking kiddo in the car at all, even short distances. Is there anything walking distance or a bus option? Since you said major metro area, hopefully there are ample options!
Schedule and food stuff are a totally different category. We always tell gpts those things can go out the window if they want when they watch the kids over the weekend. They can have ice cream for dinner and go to bed late. Worst that happens is someone gets cranky and doesn’t sleep well.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I agree with others on discussing the safety issues and letting everything else go. It won’t matter if he’s not on his usual eating schedule or if she feeds him snacks and ice cream all day – that is the joy of spending a week with grandparents (and the joy of summer really)!
Do you trust her to drive him? I think if you trust her on smaller, slower roads, then you can stick to your city for outings.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Thanks, all.
No concerns with baseline safety – we have DS #1’s seat installed in her car, and she’s driven around plenty with him in her home town, and with water/swimming, he’d wear his vest since he’s not swimming 100% on his own yet.
My concern is more her being overwhelmed because of big city factors – for example, drivers in our area (and it sounds in many other big metro areas) have become increasingly aggressive, which she’s not used to. I guess I can flag this to her, let her know of the alternative routes we prefer to take, and let her decide. If it is “too much” we have plenty of options a short drive away. Some of them are walking distance but it’s too hot outside right now for most of the day to make these walks.
We do have public transit – my thought is that we would have to literally walk her through how to use it and we don’t use it ourselves at this point (something I’d like to rectify – maybe this is a chance to do so).
I may suggest it, as there’s a place nearby to park and take the train to the museum. I know DS #1 would love it!
anon says
My MIL is shades of this, probably even a worse. But we do not trust her with my children alone, full stop. It comes down to safety at the end of the day. She’s not a do-er as it is. Meaning, she doesn’t often offer to take kids out on her own, so we’ve never had to name the problem to her face and confront head on in that way. Like, we didn’t take away something she once did or expected to do. That said, when she’s here (lives a plane ride away) and randomly does offer to do things, we just politely decline or do the proposed thing but DH goes along, too.
The schedule thing isn’t a small thing, to me, fwiw. I think safety is issue 1, 2 and 3 here, but throwing a kid off schedule due to being overwhelmed or whatever only to dump kids back on you (which is what my MIL would do) is fully unappreciated, too. But, agreeing with others, make the issue about the safety. Point her in the direction of local attractions only. Set boundaries and make sure she sticks to them. Also, I’d make sure DH is the one relaying this to her, not you.
Anonymous says
Who cares about the food schedule?
anon says
Maybe I’m just spoiled by having lots of great nearby activities, but I wouldn’t want to drive my own kids an hour through difficult traffic very often. Especially not of they were melting down due to food/sleep/heat issues.
I think it’s totally fair to offer suggestions of activities and transportation methods that will be less stressful. It’s also kind to offer to pack snacks, hat, sunscreen, etc to make it easier on grandma.
AwayEmily says
Totally agreed. Thirty minutes is my max unless it’s a very special trip. Cranky kids in the car are the woooorst. I’d make her a list of places within a half hour.
Anon says
I’m the opposite – we live in a college town in a rural area so we think nothing of driving almost 3 hours round trip to the big city for the day. We do it almost every weekend. My kid does well in the car though.
Anonymous says
3 hours on rural roads is a little different than 3 hours in city traffic though – the latter is exhausting for the driver.
Anon says
It’s interstate between here and the city, but yes not too much traffic on weekends normally.
I think it just depends on your personality and kid personality. My kid and I both do better getting out of the house and doing things even if a lot of driving is involved but I’m sure others are different.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Yup plenty of stuff within 20-30 minutes, and I agree that anything longer than that is hard on me when I’m parenting! There’s a specific attraction ~1 hour away she had in mind that I wasn’t too jazzed about her undertaking.
Anonymous says
If it’s just this one thing, why not make that a family trip so you or your husband can drive?
Anonymous says
If safety isn’t a concern, then…let go. Your kid is 5.5. He can verbalize his needs. He won’t starve.
You might want to do a gentle reminder on his schedule, or maybe provide a daypack with snacks and water, but beyond that let them figure it out.
Anon says
I agree. Your post reads like he’s 2. He’s 5 and staring elementary school. Trust him to communicate his needs to grandma.
Anonymous says
You might think so, but my nephew is 6.5 and will just not notice he is hungry until his blood sugar crashes badly. Then he eats sugary food because thats what his body is craving, then feels better until the next crash. At the end of the day he feels miserable and sick. He needs regular meals, and he is incapable of doing that himself at the moment. I suspect in a few years he will be like me with alarms for meals times to remind me to eat.
Anonymous says
Mine too. And she’s 8. But she can spend a few days with a grandparent and she will not starve. Cranky? Sure. But that’s grandma’s problem.
Maude says
It was a challenging week last week for our family and we’re still recovering. I feel so run down emotionally and physically. I can usually see things positively and can put things into perspective but I’m tired and sad. Any words of encouragement or kick in the pants for me or anyone else going through things right now?
An.On. says
Without knowing exactly what you’re dealing with, I just hope that things improve for you and your family and that you’re able to get a respite.
Anon says
Someone recently shared this poem in a support group I’m part of. It really resonated with me:
Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
The forest breathes. Listen. It answers,
I have made this place around you.
If you leave it, you may come back again, saying Here.
No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two branches are the same to Wren.
If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows
Where you are. You must let it find you.
-David Wagoner
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
A big hug from me. I’m sorry you’re going through this. No need to “toughen up” – you’re tough. If there’s any way you can find time for something that gives you energy and refreshes for you, this internet stranger gives you permission.
Know that you are not alone, and this community and others are here.
Anon says
I assume many of you know this, but both Target and Walmart have school supply list assist features where you enter your school name, and it adds all the requisite supplies to your cart. I had visions of shopping in-person with my rising K-er like I used to do with my mom, but time got away from me (school starts Wednesday!) and this feature was SO useful. Target had me select backup options for low stock items, and we got everything we needed in our pickup order.
Beans says
Cross posting to hopefully get some more replies:
Looking for knowledge on dating post-divorce with kids and what is kind of normal/typical. Been on 6-7 dates, we text in spurts throughout the day. Updates on work/kids, what’s going on. Initially, there was a lot of texting as we tried to see if there was interest/getting to know each other, but the texting has waned or calmed down a bit. We are both divorced with two kids each and joint custody so it has been hard getting our schedules to work in a way to see each other. Right now, we are maybe going on one date a week or once every two weeks. I know this sounds silly but is this typical? Was married for a long time and never really dated before in my 20s.
Anon says
Based on my BFF’s experience – this sounds pretty standard. She dated a single guy who had minimal other responsibilities and her cadence of seeing him was about the same – basically whenever her DD was with the ex is when they’d hang out, barring other scheduling things.
Caveat that this was very casual and she did not want it to lead anywhere. If you do want this to be more than casual, may be worth a conversation?
Where is my nice threenager? says
the general consensus seems to be that four year olds are more fun than three year olds. Does anyone else have the opposite experience? My just turned four year old is getting increasingly annoying arguing about everything calling us names that he picked up in school and lying/not admitting to things that he did. At three years old, he was still cooperative and trying to place which made parenting a lot easier… Does this get better again?
Anonymous says
Your nice kid is hanging out with my sweet 9 year old, who has recently been replaced by a snappy moody grouchy 10 year old girl.
Anon says
I’m one of the people who said four is better, but the sass definitely increased at 4 (and increases further at 5, sorry to say). I much prefer snark to meltdowns where my otherwise very verbal kid lost all ability to speak or be reasoned with. but if you didn’t have a meltdown-prone kid I can see how it’s different. I also think every parent has different “triggers” and meltdowns in a 3+ year old who looked and acted (when calm) like a bigger kid were hard for me. Ymmv.
Anonymous says
I had that experience. I think it really just depends on the kid’s developmental timeline. Hang in there, at some point it will get easier again!
Anonymous says
With the exception of genuine diagnosable issues, all of this is a phase that seems to last forever until suddenly it doesn’t and they have moved on to some other phase.
AwayEmily says
YUP.
Spirograph says
+1 “threenager” didn’t come out of nowhere, but lots of kids are delightful three year olds and then make up for it at another time. It ebbs and flows, and there’s a very wide range of normal for when the boundary-pushing shows up and how strong it is.
Toddler Transitions says
I’m looking for some advice about toddler transitions. My almost-3yo DD has been potty training for about a month and is doing okay, from what i can tell in terms of what is normal and what her teachers say. She is in the process of transitioning to preschool in her Montessori school, so same school, different classroom. She has been visiting her new room on and off in the past, and will now visit every day from now until 8/21, which is when she will go to her preschool room full-time. She has been having more accidents and preschool with the transition, and I think less prompting than in her toddler room. She has also been waking up 2x a night. The first time, she is pretty easy to console – just wants to be rocked for a few minutes. The second time (which is around 4-4:30) she won’t go back to bed without crying or whining and I bring her into her bed. But even when I bring her into bed the second time, she tosses and turns a lot and whimpers and takes a long time to fall asleep (30 + minutes). She has a 14 month old sister who she shares a room with who is actually a pretty good sleeper, so I obviously don’t want them to both be up at the same time and am hesitant to do sleep training that involves her crying. And I think she is struggling with all these transitions so I want to be comforting for her. Also I am very tired and haven’t slept through the night more than a handful of times since January because of one or both kiddos. Any thoughts on how I can help/comfort with these transitions? As an added complication, on 8/26 we leave for a week-long vacation, which I’m worried will mess everything up. She is/we are also ready for her to have a toddler bed (currently in a crib) but that seems like too much right now.
Anon says
do you mean you bring her into your bed? the switch to the toddler bed might be less daunting than you think and could be the thing to get her back on track sleep wise because then you dont necessarily have to get up every single time she needs something from you. i have one kiddo who often wakes at least once a night and it’s exhausting.
anonM says
Sleeping mat on the floor next to your bed?
Anonymous says
One thing that stuck out to me is this seems like a huge lead up to the change for her and could be giving her more anxiety? In our school they visit for a week in advance and then they move. It sounds like this has been discussed for sometime and there’s been visits plus there’s going to be 2 weeks of additional daily visits, just something to consider. My son does have way more accidents in his new room and it’s really annoying as he wasn’t having any in the old room. They say they ask him if he has to go and I instead asked them to say it’s time to try to go and see what happens.
Anon says
My toddler (2.5ish) still drools. They are in speech therapy, and we’ve checked hearing, adenoids, seen an ENT to look at the other things, and nothing – no underlying reason, and seemingly it’s not majorly impacting speech – toddler has tons of words, babbles, and puts words together now.
Ped wasn’t concerned at 2 year check-up, and I forgot to bring it up again at 2.5. I am going to monitor and see if it doesn’t resolve itself – it’s not causing any feeding/other problems, not like toddler’s clothes are getting wet, etc. Has anyone else had a similar issue?
Anony says
Mine was still a drool machine at 2.5. It didn’t occur to me that the drooling would be cause to get him checked out for anything – I guess he was developing just fine, he was just drooly, and I think some toddlers are for longer than others! Now he’s almost 3, and it mostly stopped a month or two ago.
OP says
Thank you! Yeah we didn’t get him checked out for the drool specifically, all of the other stuff was to rule out anything physiological for speech – so I figured if that didn’t lead to anything he’s also just…drooly. :)