I like this maternity top, which is work/Zoom-meeting appropriate. I like that the grey plaid is a conservative color combination/pattern while the shirt has a more casual and comfortable shape.
The banded hem and sleeves give this top some definition and volume. The zippers at the shoulders provide interest and balance. I’m a bit confused, however, by how you use this top for nursing, as the zippers seem to be too high/don’t open enough.
Regardless, this is a super cute maternity top!
The top, which is also available in a green plaid, is currently on sale at Nordstrom for $34.99 (marked down from $54). Augusta Plaid Maternity/Nursing Pullover
Building a maternity wardrobe for work? Check out our page with more suggestions along both classic and trendy/seasonal lines.
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Sales of Note…
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anon says
My daughter turned one recently, and she will not use a sippy cup. My husband and I have been offering one at meals since 6-months with little success. She mainly just chews on the top, and will not use one laying down like she drinks a bottle. I have tried transition cups, straw cups, hard spouts, weighted straw cups, and the 360 style. I have even tried letting her drink for the cup part. Any recommendations would be helpful!
anon says
We used the take-and-toss straw cups to teach our kids to use a straw. You can squeeze the cup a bit an get liquid to shoot up the straw.
Anne says
My first was like this and we had to transition for daycare. YMMV but she really never took to them and drank WAY less milk. If I had to do it again I’d just let her have bottles for while longer and then try again. I don’t think she was ready.
TheElms says
This was us a couple months ago. It was maddening. Kiddo is now 15 months and around 13.5 or 14 months it clicked for drinking water from a straw cup (ours is an Avent Bendy Straw Cup). Then just in the last two weeks she started drinking milk out of a straw cup (Oxo Tot transitions with handles). We still have days where she drinks very little milk, but most days she gets the recommended 12 oz of milk and about 6 oz of water, which I’m hoping is enough. I think just stick with it and mention it to the pediatrician. Ours was a little concerned at 12 months but said to keep trying and we’d check back in at 15 months. Haven’t been to that appt yet, but I expect the pediatrician will think it is fine.
Clementine says
One of my kiddos was like that. She would happily take water out of a water bottle (either camelback or the cheapo pop top style), but was really stubborn for milk.
We ended up just letting her have bottles of milk when we were using it as ‘food’ and then she went to an open cup fairly early (like 13/14 months early). We fully ditched bottles by 18 months. Now she’s a champ and ironically LOVES a sippy or straw cup of any variety.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Same here re: water v. milk. Our youngest was fine with water out of a straw cup (the Philips Avent ones that we have a bunch of) but didn’t take milk out of it for a while. We just kept giving him the old bottles with the nipple tops (also Philips) until he suddenly was fine with milk in the straw bottles. I think he was around 15 months when he switched completely so I would just give your daughter a few months.
Anonymous says
One daughter liked the milk warmed up, you could try that. Then of course there is the problem of weaning her down to cold milk, but it solved the bottle issue.
The other just drank less milk because she wanted to use the 360 cup like her older sister. I upped her cheese stick and yogurt intake but didn’t stress otherwise.
DLC says
Are you trying to get her to drink water or milk? With water, we used a shot glass at meals – they could learn to drink from an open cup, but it was also small enough that they could hold it in their hands, or we would tip it into their mouths for them. And because it was water, I didn’t worry about spillage as much. It might be a backwards way, but maybe you could start learning on an open cup with water and then transition to milk in a 360 cup? FWIW, we very rarely put milk in a sippy or straw cup because I have an aversion to milk mess and waste. I think my husband was very persistent about teaching our kids how to use a straw and eventually we did transition to using Thermos Funtainers.
Anon says
I’m in a rut for my just-turned-one-year-old daughter’s breakfast, lunches, and snack for daycare. I really like cooking and meal prep her meals when I meal prep for the rest of the family. She eats really anything we offer (not kidding, she even likes some spicier Korean food). Any recommendations of meal-prep toddler foods welcome!
Cb says
Frittata in muffin tins?
SC says
We just sent my kid to school with soba noodles with a dressing of chili sauce, lime juice, soy sauce and honey, with roasted bell peppers and edamame mixed in. Kiddo said it was “pretty good,” which is high praise in our house. (We served with sesame-crusted tuna for dinner last night, but left the tuna off for lunch.)
Clementine says
I joked with my husband that my kids will eat anything in muffin form.
This morning they had zucchini muffins, but I also have a great low-sugar peanut butter and banana muffin, and have done a nut free version of a morning glory muffin and a superhero muffin. I frequently pop whatever muffins I have into the freezer in a big ziplock bag and then can thaw in the microwave and chuck one at each kid while I’m trying to pour some coffee down my gullet.
Another suggestion a friend (who has to get herself and her daughter out of the house before 6AM) just posted: she got reusable pouches and fills them with smoothies. She keeps them in the freezer and just pulls one out in the morning and gives it to her kid.
Also, don’t discount simple things like a piece of fruit, yogurt, a cheese stick, and a hard boiled egg.
Anon says
My 3YO constantly requests the beef and rice from a hello fresh bibimbap recipe, and I would think the rice and ground beef crumbles would actually work really well for a 1YO – really it’s just jasmine rice and ground beef cooked with garlic, ginger, sesame oil and soy sauce, but I hear “beef and rice?” at least once a day. If there is no microwave, you could put it in a little thermos after microwaving at home and I bet it would stay warm until lunch. A welcome change from DD’s typical limited diet in which open face peanut butter sandwiches, yogurt and chicken nuggets are the stars. Shockingly, bananas ended up back on the acceptable list this week, so we’ll call that a win.
rosie says
Check out sheet pan pancakes. You can load them up with all sorts of grated veggies and sliced fruit. Should be able to keep them in the fridge or even freeze and then just heat a portion at a time.
Do you use bento lunch boxes or similar? I used bentgo boxes for my preschooler pre-COVID and they were helpful for organizing things. I’d do a mini bagel w/cream cheese or a quesadilla, and then fill the other compartments with fruits and veggies that I’d prepped already, and then a protein like cooked tofu or fresh mozzarella.
Anonanonanon says
Whelp. We were supposed to have a new sitter start today and she called out this morning.
My two-year-old likes to watch babies. outside of elmo’s world, can anyone recommend a video on youtube or any of the streaming services that shows babies playing etc.? I looked on youtube but it was harder than I thought to find something geared toward other kids. That plus a powdered donut is the only thing I can think of to get through my staff meeting this morning.
Anne says
Have you tried all of the terrible cloying kids songs on youtube (with poorly computer animated characters)? My kid loves Angel Kids video and there are a million of them. I hate them but have caved.
FVNC says
Similarly, the Baby Bum videos are now on Netflix. There are a few hour long compilations that might buy you some time. Good luck!
Anonymous says
Not babies playing but Mother Goose Club was clutch for us at that age. It’s basically videos of kids or animations of singing mother goose type songs like wheels on the bus or five little monkeys jumping on the bed or whatever.
Pogo says
There’s a super old school one called “Baby Songs” from the 80s. Mine LOVED it at that age.
octagon says
Not human babies, but Word Party and/or Muppet Babies might work?
Anon says
Cocomelon – ABC Kids – cartoon family singing nursery rhymes, includes a baby – a hit with my 2 year old
Pigpen's Mama says
Is Baby Signing Time available on any streaming services?
Realist says
Netflix has that babies documentary about babies growing up in different parts of the world. I think it is called Babies. Maybe a bit slow, but it has lots of footage of babies.
Anon says
I think you might mean this one – Netflix Babies is a different documentary, I was disappointed to learn: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qq7MGfVAeV8 . It’s great, I watched it with my kid.
Anonymous says
oooh I watched that documentary when it came out, but never thought of watching it with my kids. it’s actually a great idea — it would really tie into a lot of what we’re trying to teach them about what’s different and what’s the same about people who look different or live in different places than we do.
Curious, how old is your kid, and did he or she enjoy it?
anonanon says
highly recommend misskatiesings on youtube. we used to attend her live classes in Chicago, but have since moved. i am forever grateful that she recorded one 20-minute class (along with a bunch of other individual songs) as it has given my one-year-old a great distraction when i need it most!
anon says
My 3 year old likes the Boss Baby series on netflix….not exactly quality content but it’s got a ton of cartoon babies
Anonymous says
The documentary Babies (not the Netflix show). Buy the DVD on Amazon. At 18 months my daughter would watch all 90 minutes. Lifesaver for emergency plane ride when my grandmother passed away and it’s 9 hours of travel (plus hanging out at airports).
Anon says
The person that posted Friday about two biglaw couples that needed more than 50 hours a week of coverage, it just irritated me so much. I don’t think it’s fair to the kid to have both sets of parents work that much to where even seeing them on the weekend requires more outsources help. I don’t think we need women to stay home at all but I think it’s incredibly selfish to choose to have children and outsource all but maybe 10% of the time you have with them. I know I’ll get flamed for this but I’m wondering if someone can help me see another perspective to where it’s justifiable for both parents to work this much.
Anonymous says
No nope nope no.
We are not playing with this nonsense pit stirring.
Go away.
Please ignore this person everyone it’s cruel and hurtful and not suitable for this site.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
100% Agree. As queen Amy Poehler (who has openly discussed employing 2 nannies due to her work needs) says, when it comes to assessing other parent approaches, especially mums, our framework when if/when we disagree should be “Good for her! Not for me.”
Anonymous says
It’s a very unpopular opinion here, but I fully agree with you. Children just need more time with their parents than a dual Big Law couple can give (especially right now, with something like 40% of children having pandemic-related mental health issues). That said, I recognize that if only one parent is “allowed” to have a job like this, it disproportionately hurts women. I wish we had a society with more men leaning out/quitting to SAHD so the woman could throw herself into her career.
Anon says
Big law hours are very extreme. I think it’s delusional to think you can keep up this pace throughout your kids lives without a breakdown in your marriage or real negative impacts on your kids. Relationships are not invincible. They should not be pushed to the side and be expected to thrive.
Do I want women in the workforce? Of course. But let’s not applaud workaholics as if there aren’t consequences to their actions.
Anonymous says
I agree. I more don’t see why people with careers that take up so much time (which is fine!) have children. Like if you don’t want to/can’t spend more than like 8hrs of the entire week with your child then why did you want them?
Anon4this says
+1000.
Anon says
Two things:
1) I disagree with you because these aren’t your children and your choices. I don’t care if a woman or a man wants to stay home, keep working, or work crazy hours – it’s not my parenting and it’s not my decision. I know what works for me/my family, and I choose to do that thing.
2) Ask yourself if you’d be saying the same thing if this was a couple who was barely making ends meet, working multiple jobs that required walking/bus commutes because they can’t afford a car, making minimum wage, and cobbling together childcare from daycare/neighbors/family, but did what they had to because they wanted a family and needed to provide for it. My guess is no.
Anonymous says
Re #2, my guess is no also, but I think it’s totally fair to draw a distinction between a couple who is working very long hours just to make ends meet and a couple that could be working a lot less and still be very affluent. The former is much less of a choice.
OP says
That’s the point. No one needs to work two biglaw jobs. of course no one would judge if someone had to work like this to provide a minimum standard of living.
It doesn’t have to be the mom, there are plenty of women here who work biglaw who’s spouse works government or a chill job for 40 hoirs. That’s awesome. The kids get a parent! I just do not understand outsourcing more than 50 hours of childcare and thinking it’s okay.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes, to both of these points. For me personally, would I want to work these hours or want my husband to work these hours? No. It would lead to marital conflict if either of us were doing this, so in our family we made different choices. Also, I think there would be conflict if either of us stayed home full time too, but clearly other families make different choices.
And yes, I think there are way way more families out there who are working multiple jobs or opposite shifts and have family or neighbors help than families with dual BigLaw careers. Both probably see their kids the same amount, maybe BigLaw more as they have the flexibility to work from home. It doesn’t mean that they love their kids any less.
The OP from last week seemed to be upset at any suggestion that they scale down. If they didn’t want to scale down, that’s fine, but you have to accept that you need way more help, either family or paid help. That’s just the nature of those jobs.
Anonymous says
Why are you beating up on her again? She didn’t come back and ask for more judgment.
Anon says
How is saying ‘working long hours doesn’t mean you love your kids any less’ judging the Big Law OP? I read this comment as supportive.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes, meant to be supportive. A toddler needs constant supervision. If you can’t provide it, then you need someone else to. It’s not a value judgment about your love for them, just a truth about toddlers/little kids!
Anonymous says
The last paragraph is key. That post was frankly offensive because OP refused to own her choices. If you choose to have two parents each working 60+ hours a week, then you need 60+ hours a week of child care. You can’t just expect a two-year-old to entertain herself all weekend so you can work without interruption. The whole thing was entitled and tone-deaf.
Anonn says
+1 bazillion
anon says
+2, the easy, obvious answer (which nearly all of my friends in dual “big job” relationships with kids avail themselves of) is more outsourcing. They have twice weekly cleaners, meal prep/delivery, and evening/weekend babysitters, in addition to a FT nanny. That’s just the way it goes in those kinds of careers.
Anon for this says
I think it may be cultural and/or regional. Big coastal cities like NYC and DC seem to be over-represented on this board and having two careers like this may be more normal there. I grew up in a mid-size Midwest city and didn’t know anyone that had a job like this, let alone a family with both adults working these kind of hours. Even the lawyers and doctors I knew (my dad included) worked 40-45 hours per week, at least by the time they had children. More moms stayed home and did the PTA and Girl Scout stuff, but the dads were always home for family dinners and to spend time with the kids on weekends. Needing regular weekend childcare so both parents can work is totally foreign to me, and I don’t think it’s healthy for kids. But I realize I’m influenced by own upbringing in this regard.
Anon says
Yeah none of my friends had parents who worked those kind of hours, except for one, and he was treated for serious depression because he felt neglected.
CPA Lady says
Your standards of how much time a parent “should” spend with their child are based on the concept that what we consider acceptable today in this country is the best thing we’ve ever done in human history. Is history made up of linear progress? Maybe. Maybe not.
First of all, I think there is so much to life that is a total [email protected] Some kids resent their parents for working long hours. Some kids admire their parents for working long hours. Overall, if what you’re thinking about long term is “is spending almost no time with your children going to damage your relationship or keep them from growing up to be healthy, functional adults?”, the answer is “it might or it might not” One size does not fit all. Plenty of people have horrible or wonderful relationships with their kids no matter what their circumstances are (SAH, work 40 hours, work a ton). Personally, the less I see my kid, the better I am with her, because I’m actually focused and present and happy to see her when we are together, rather than irritated, distracted, and overwhelmed, which is how I feel when we’re together constantly. But everyone is different. Some people are truly more capable than I am of “treasuring every moment”. My mom acted like she hated being a SAHM. She was always yelling and frustrated. So I wish she would have worked. I would have been happier if she had been happier, even if I would have seen her less.
Secondly, your standards of how much time a parent should spend with their child are arbitrary. For the vast majority of human history childhood wasn’t even a concept, most people died young, childhood mortality was like 40%, 13 year olds were married and having kids themselves, children were expected to work actual jobs, and their emotional state was not even remotely as important as their moral compass. In the 1950s SAHMs paid less attention to their kids than working moms do now. Now we think all those things are barbaric. And they probably are. But are kids better off now than they ever have been? Who knows! Some are probably better off. Some are probably worse off. Is having a 20 year childhood good for a kid? Is not having to work good for a kid? Is being marched lockstep through 7 hours of academics a day for 13-17 years good for a kid? Is never having any time unsupervised good for a kid? Is only being supervised by your biological parents better for a kid than being cared for by a broad range of family and friends? It depends on the kid. All the day to day things that we accept and take for granted have not always been this way, and have actually only occupied a tiny fraction of the human experience. But we fixate on how things are right now and decide they are definitely best without question and then judge other parents/moms by how compliant they are with the current norms.
Personally I am not here to work 80 hour weeks and have a spouse work 80 hour weeks and try to balance kids, but that’s because working 80 hour weeks doesn’t make me happy. If it made me happy, I’d probably try to make it work.
Anon says
“In the 1950s SAHMs paid less attention to their kids than working moms do now.”
People say this here a lot, but I don’t think this is true? Maybe in the wealthiest circles where the SAHMs also employed nannies. But that was not the norm in the middle or upper middle class. My mom and her friends had SAHMs who were with them full-time until they went to school and then before and after school, and their moms were really hands-on. To be clear, I’m not saying the choice to work is bad! My mom worked and I work and I agree there are lots of benefits to moms (and kids) from the mom working outside the home. But I see this repeated here a lot and I don’t think it’s factually true.
Anon says
I agree. The stereotype of SAHMs makes no sense.
No Face says
I’ve seen actual research supporting this. I think Gallup?
Women who work outside the home now spend more time on childcare than women who were home full time in the 1960s. Back then, it was very normal to tell your kids “be back by dinner” while you cooked, cleaned, and managed your home. Kids would managing themselves outside – riding bikes, traipsing through the woods, play sports in the street.
Driving your kids around to numerous activities and other ways we parent now was uncommon.
Anon says
That theory could not have applied to toddlers who can’t wander off by themselves
Anon Lawyer says
You might be surprised re toddlers. No, not by themselves. But my cousin lives on a dead-end street with a bunch of young families and SAHMs. Pre-Covid all the kids were always out playing and the toddlers Joined the older kids and there was always some adult casually watching but not fully supervising and not necessarily any given kid’s parents. Not workable in most modern set-ups (including mine) but I suspect it used to be the norm based on how my parents talk about their childhoods.
Anon says
It’s an actual statistic. Over the years, people have asked mothers and fathers how much time they have spent with their kids. Working moms now spend more time with their kids than the SAHMs of the 1950s. That is largely because SAHMs of the 1950s had so few household gadgets. It literally took hours to do the wash and the ironing. People (usually women) would fill up a tub with water, add soap, and manually wash all of the clothes, using their hands as agitators. They would wring the clothes out, each one, by hand, then clothespin them to a line to dry. Ironing involved heating up a literal iron and was an actual production. Dinners were harder to make. Dishes were harder to clean.
Anon Lawyer says
I would imagine most moms today would count having a kid run around the kitchen while you make dinner as “childcare” (rightly so, I think). Granted, they also had bigger families on average then, meaning it’s more likely you could send little kids off with older siblings.
Anon says
I’ve talked to my mom and grandmothers about their experiences this time, and moms didn’t spend the whole day doing chores. There was definitely more “kids run around the neighborhood with friends” than there is now, but there was a LOT of the traditional SAHM stuff like cookie baking, volunteering in the classroom, leading the Girl Scout troop, taking kids to activities and playdates, taking family trips to the pool or beach, etc.
Also, even if women were really spending hours per day doing laundry (which I don’t think is true – washing machines were pretty common by the 50s), children were involved in that or at least under foot while they were doing it. So it was still time they were solely responsible for their children.
Anon says
An actual statistic, wow. I still think it’s been misinterpreted to assuage the guilt of modern parenting.
Watching your kids as you do the dishes or fold the laundry still counts as time spent together and as childcare.
OP says
Not sarcastic at all, but this was a really eye opening comment and exactly what I was asking for. Thank you for taking time to write this.
Anon says
Believing parenting is a crap shoot is only helpful to a degree. The decisions parents make do make a difference. That’s just common sense.
CPA Lady says
I mean, I’m not saying don’t do your best. I’m saying that what matters for some kids is different from what matters to others, and two siblings parented exactly the same way can have very different ideas about their childhoods and very different relationships with their parents because of that. My sister and I had a vastly different childhood even though we grew up in the same house.
Anon Lawyer says
I think the evidence about childhood not being a concept historically is really overstated. Historically average marriage age in Europe was usually late teens and early 20s. Noble girls were married young for alliance reasons but not the peasantry. Children are straight out not as mature as adults and of course that was recognized.
I generally agree that there’s not One True Way to be a parent though.
anon says
“Some kids resent their parents for working long hours. Some kids admire their parents for working long hours.” I grew up with parents who both worked pretty long hours. I both resent them and admire them. My mom was a doctor, and my dad was a minister.
My mom is a total bad ass. She takes no sh*t from anybody. She is brilliant. She is kind and empathetic and can explain exactly what is going on with a disease progression to a layperson. But she spent a year (her fellowship) commuting to another city for Monday through Friday when I was 6, and it was a really, really hard year that had lasting impacts on my psyche. She spent a lot of my childhood very stressed out between her job and the fact that my parents still had a 50s-style division of household labor and childcare. She yelled a lot.
My dad is kind and loves to help people. He’s shockingly good at running complex operations smoothly. He would have made an excellent corporate VP. But he had zero boundaries. He’d answer calls in the middle of the night. My mom and I would spend 20 hours/week at church activities, which was more than either of us wanted to. We never left church on time. Whenever we went out to eat (most nights), someone from church would stop by our table to say “hi,” and our only hour together would be ruined.
They both clearly loved their jobs. And they both clearly loved and wanted me–I always knew that. Overall, I had a good childhood. I believe I turned out OK. My relationship with my parents had its ups and downs while I was in middle and high school, but that doesn’t seem unique to working parents. It improved in college and then improved a lot after I graduated from college. I now talk to at least one of my parents almost everyday.
On the other hand, I’ve deliberately made different choices in my adult life. I never enjoyed dating ambitious, type-A guys (mostly because they were competitive with me). I married someone who is now happy being a SAHD. I work a 9-5 type job and have a very short commute. My husband and I prioritize family dinners at the kitchen table. In fact, we moved from our smaller apartment, which had a bar but no room for a table, when our then-3-year old said his favorite part of a family outing was sitting together at the restaurant. We’ve tried to give our son more downtime and more family time than I had. And yet, he still gets mad at us and says he’s going to leave and find a new family–so, who knows :-)
Anon says
It is not the case that 13 year olds were historically married and having kids themselves.
Anon says
Anon OP from Friday here. I really appreciate all your judgment of my life that you know very little about. And while there is zero need for me to defend myself I will. I love my job, my husband loves his job. We thought long and hard about whether to have a kid at all for just these reasons. But in the end I wanted to be a mom and I didn’t think I should have to give up the job I love, the career I love to do it. Nor did he. We only have one because that is the most we think our respective jobs can bear. I expected it to be hard; I didn’t expect to parent in a pandemic.
My kid is tiny now and requires a lot of intense active supervision. As it turns out I’m not so great at the toddler stage. So I found a lovely, former preschool teacher, to look after my kid and do all kinds of fantastic wonderful things with my kid that I would never do. She loves my kid and my kid is overjoyed to see her. I see my kid every morning. We sing songs and read books and have sippy cups of milk and cuddles. I chase her around and pretend to be a tickle monster and make her laugh great big deep belly giggles. She spends all day with her fantastic nanny. We have dinner together as a family almost every night because that is a line in the sand I drew with work (unless I’m traveling). My husband does bedtime with her. Biglaw is cyclical. In the times its not so busy I easily spend 3 hours or more per day with her during the week. And I make it quality time. I put my phone in the other room and focus on her 100%. Even now that it is busy I see her in the mornings and for dinner and sometimes for an extra hour in the afternoon. We chase bubbles in the yard and run through the sprinkler. We go for walks on the weekend and play in the field. We spot squirrels and birds and bunny rabbits. She is fascinated by big kids on bikes.
I don’t have a crystal ball. I don’t know if this will work as she continues to grow up. Perhaps my feelings will change about work, perhaps they won’t. I just wanted to rant on Friday. Weekends are hard at the moment. The circumstances of a pandemic don’t let me be the best at my job or the best mom I can be. More childcare makes it easier to focus 100% on her when I am with her. Perhaps it means less total hours with her but the hours are much more enjoyable for us both. And Biglaw affords a lot of flexibility that I potentially wouldn’t have in-house and almost certainly wouldn’t have in the government. I can work from home, no one cares where I work as long as the work gets done. I can pop out to the daycare Halloween parade or in the future go to a school play or recital or sports game.
I’m confident that I’m a fantastic mom to my little girl.
Anon says
You sound like an awesome mom. This is a tough time right now, for everyone. You keep doing what is best for your family.
Anon says
This is a wonderful response and you sound like you are killing it!
Jeffiner says
You sound like an awesome mom.
I was great at the toddler stage, my husband not so much. Our daughter is now 5, and he is AMAZING with her. They play all the time. I struggle to play with her right now. And the pandemic is part of it, making everything worse for everyone. The pandemic crumbled a lot of the walls I had built up separating my work-life and home-life, and its a struggle to rebuild those in an effective manner.
Anonanonanon says
I’m high risk like you are and I just want to add it adds an entirely new level of stress to this whole situation we’re faced with right now. I can’t articulate it well, but I sensed it in your words and I am there with you. This isn’t what anyone signed up for. There are no right answers and we don’t have a crystal ball. You’re doing the best you can and, even if this is for another year, in the grand scheme of things it really is the blink of an eye. It’s going to be OK. Stay safe.
Anonymous says
As a fellow big law mom with a big law husband, I feel this SO much. I agree completely. What big law takes (time) it also gives in many ways (flexibility and money). I am as deserving to be a parent as the next person and think my kids have a pretty good life. And as you say, none of us signed up to parent during a pandemic.
Anon says
Reality check. Your job is not flexible. You spend almost all your time working. Plenty of jobs are flexible but yours is clearly not.
Anonymous says
+1 also I don’t understand the hate on government jobs. They normally have tons of flexibility! I’m a government attorney and there are zero issues with me ducking out of the office for an hour or two for doctor’s appointments or school plays.
Anonanonanon says
Just anecdotal, but (state and local) government jobs are the least flexible jobs I’ve ever had. And I made literally half of what I do now.
anon says
+2, I’ve been in gov’t most of my career (fed and state) and there is no comparison in terms of flexibility as to when I was in biglaw and partners expected responses literally immediately, regardless of what else I had going on. I take my kid to his doc appts, my own doc appts, duck out early and log in later as necessary, etc. without any concern about harm to my career as long as my work gets done. And in general I never have to respond to emails after hours or on weekends (in fact until COVID hit, I didn’t even log in remotely at all). I’ve worked one weekend day since I started in my current role about 2 years ago. That said, the (lack of) money is a serious issue for me, so I’m not sure I’ll do it forever, but for now, for our family, it makes sense.
Anonymous says
Same. I’m in state govt. Half my office working moms. Super flexible. DH is in federal govt his office is quite flexible as well.
Redux says
What do you mean by flexible? I just switched to government last year and it is SO RIGID about using PTO for every little thing, even though I am in a high-level appointed position and work well over the standard full-time 37.5 hours per week– there is no flex-time, no comp-time, no shave an hour off here and make it up there. I have never been so tracked for time as I am now, and this is the highest level position I’ve ever been in.
Anonymous says
Oh wow no that doesn’t sound flexible, Redux. My experience is completely different. I’m generally (in pre-COVID times) supposed to be in the office during core business hours of 9:30-4:30 but otherwise I can set my own hours as long as I get my work done. Leaving for an appointment in the middle of the day isn’t a problem. If I’ll be gone for much more than an hour I might let my boss know, but I’m telling, not asking, and it’s never an issue. I only use PTO if I’m going to spend at least half the day not working, otherwise I just make up the time. There’s no time tracking at all. I’m 10 years out of law school but relatively low level (I don’t supervise anyone) and our newer attorneys have the same flexibility.
anon says
Seconding anon at 4:23, I have never heard of that kind of time tracking (I’m the PP who has done long stints in both fed and state gov’t). In both offices, people rolled in sometime between 8:30-9:30 depending on other obligations (i.e. daycare drop offs) and unless you were in trial, the office was cleared out by 6 pm. People routinely left to run errands etc midday and no one blinked an eye. Unless you were truly AWOL for days on end, I’m pretty sure no one would ever notice. This all presumes you get your work done in a timely fashion, of course.
Anon says
+1
Sally Cat says
This comment sums up my assessment nicely
Anon says
please ignore the first post that you are replying to here. it is beyond obnoxious. different strokes for different folks. also, as you get more senior you might have more flexibility. i am also a huge believer in quality time over quantity of time. and little kids are hard and require more hands on involvement and you will be able to be present in different ways as your kid gets older. i actually really admire you. i couldn’t hack it in a big law type environment even without kids (the unpredictability made me SO anxious all the time).
i was actually planning on posting today in response to your follow up to some of the posts, which was that the issue is more these unscheduled calls that pop up on weekends. i know that in big law you are expected to be available 24/7, but if you have a good relationship with the partners you work for, is there any way to say, that you are available for a call between 1-3 (nap time) rather than at any time of day? or for you and DH to have block times when you are each available?
anon says
OP, one concept that hasn’t come up in this threat is availability. BigLaw expects instant availability–and this generally isn’t a flexible requirement. If a client calls, you take a call. If a more senior partner sends an email, you answer it right away. This requires significant backup childcare. You don’t have to use all of the coverage, but for a toddler, you need someone to take over if you get a call or email. Sometimes backup care is only needed for 5-10 minutes and you can get by with a video. But sometimes it’s a fire and you need 30 hours of coverage over a weekend while you work out an issue. This doesn’t mean that you never see your child. It does mean that to keep your sanity you likely need 60+ hours of coverage a week, even if you only typically use 50 hours of actual care.
Historically, Biglaw folks handled this by having a SAH spouse and, at my firm, this was still the predominant model for those with young kids. There were a few attorneys who managed without a SAH parent, but they ended up with double nannies or a nanny plus daycare or a nanny plus an au pair, etc. It’s really really hard to meet the availability expectations in most practice groups without this sort of coverage.
Anon says
This. I am likely up for partner next year (or was pre-covid, TBD if that delays things) and the only reason I can make it work is because DH is a SAHD. If he wasn’t we would probably need daycare and a part-time nanny, and my life would be consumed worrying about back up care and coverage.
anon says
This is perfectly articulated. I 100% agree. I applaud you for making it all work for you. As seniority increases it isn’t the number of hours so much as the inability to say no to a 10 AM Saturday call / Call that starts in 20 mins / etc. etc.
Personally, I chose to leave investment banking to have my kid (a job I liked and was good at) because legitimate career advice from a “mentor” was – “just get a live in nanny and a day nanny”. That was not the choice that I wanted to make. I now work just as many hours / arguably have more responsibility (for less $) BUT I can get by on “normal day care” and working some late nights because I am the client now and work in an environment where I have no qualms saying that I have a childcare / am busy with a family commitment* and I can discuss X issues at X time (e.g. Sunday afternoon nap for a request I received on Saturday morning – other than a VERY few actual launching a financing type situations once or twice a year).
My husband is in a client service based job (not biglaw or IB) and has way less ability to push back despite a “less intense” job than I have.
*in fact in covid times, I think that this is my responsibility as I am the most senior person that has young children / no stay at home spouse.
Realist says
You’re awesome. There are trolls on this board that I am fairly certain are not working women. I don’t know what their true intent is but their energy is bad. You are awesome. Don’t waste a minute on what Anon said. For all we know, they are an angry incel that learned they could sh*tpost here and try to ruin a lovely community. All because they can’t get a woman to make them a sandwich. Smart accomplished women who can even attempt motherhood and a Biglaw job are always going to be threatening to insecure human beings. You don’t have to defend yourself. At all.
Anonymous says
Lollll why do you keep saying this!?! Not everyone sees eye-to-eye on everything, and sometimes people are snarky online. It doesn’t mean the people who are disagreeing with you are Russian bots.
Anon says
It’s clearly her only defense mechanism because having an actual debate is unthinkable. “Other people’s views do not count.”
Realist says
I’m plenty snarky online myself. This is my community because I am a working mom. Bug off if you don’t belong here. You know who you are.
Hamlet says
doth protest too much?
Anon says
Realist, sounds like you want to live in a bubble where everyone thinks alike. Too bad. I belong here and I’m not going to be silent.
Realist says
Whichever witch of an Anon posted this did it just to sh** on another mom. I don’t care if someone has different opinions. But I stand firm on not welcoming trolls. And I’ve never called someone on this board a Russian bot. I just said that Russia would love to stumble on this community and would absolutely monitor it and possibly participate if they found it. Niche online communities are not immune to the extensive election interference that is underway at this moment.
Anonymous says
In one of the school reopening conversations, you definitely said that a particular poster didn’t live in America and wasn’t a mom and when people asked how you could possibly know that (because the poster was anon and made a perfectly reasonable comment, albeit one you didn’t agree with), you said that Russia was trying to influence the election through this webs*te (LOL) and the poster was an example of that.
I….think that’s calling someone a Russian b0t.
Anon says
If you aren’t a working woman, doesn’t mean you are a troll realist. Completely insane.
Realist says
If you are on this board stirring sh** and aren’t a working mom, what does that make you? Get lost, incel.
Anon says
I haven’t commented on this thread until now, but I know there are several regular posters here who used to work and now stay home. I really value their perspectives, and got great advice from them (and lots of the working moms) when I was deciding whether or not to quit a couple years ago. I decided to keep working and am glad I did, but I really like that we have a diversity of perspectives here, otherwise it would become an echo chamber. Frankly your posts calling anyone who disagrees with you a tr0ll or incel are far more off-putting to me than anything I’ve seen here from a SAHM.
Anon says
I agree. I value people’s opinions including stay at home moms and women who haven’t had kids. Realist, your rhetoric is downright toxic and lazy because you can’t be bothered to argue with logic, you just attack people as outsiders.
Anonymous says
Speaking of tr*lling, Realist, let’s talk about you. Your username appears to have been created only in spring 2020. You weigh in almost exclusively on controversial threads, especially ones related to Covid. You frequently make aggressive, inflammatory comments that often have little to do with the topic at hand (eg,, saying “Covid takes 10 years off your lifespan” in a discussion about reopening schools) and have a dramatic reaction when challenged that causes the whole thread to devolve into a flame war. I have attended seminars about the sociology of the internet and this is textbook tr*lling. “Tr*ll” has a meaning and it’s not “rude commenter who is unsupportive of working moms.” There are definitely some commenters who make rude or unsupportive comments on occasion and I fully support them being called out when necessary, but you meet the classic definition of internet tr*ll far more than all the people you’ve accused of being tr*lls. No other single commenter attempts to provoke arguments and inflame people the way you do, and at the end of the day that’s what tr*ll actually means. Why did you decide to start posting so consistently and aggressively in the last few months under this new username? Maybe you’re a Chinese bot trying to get Biden elected! Kidding, mostly.
Realist says
I post under a handle. Not Anon. I post in controversial threads because I will defend people getting dumped on. I use inflammatory language when called for, which it is when a thread with multiple anonymous comments is started solely to dump on one woman’s life and choices. The fact that I will stand up for unfairness in controversial threads might make me a troll in your eyes, but I’m glad to be that kind of troll. I’d be the lady yelling right back at you if you similarly harassed people in real life. Amy Cooper would have gotten some side eye and choice words from me if I had witnessed her episode. Amy might be the type of woman who would post on this board and probably should have been called out before she went viral for trying to play murder-by-cop on an innocent black man.
China absolutely prefers Biden be elected and probably has a cyber division doing some ops, though Russia has a much more established network for Trump. I am not in favor of foreign interference on either side. I’m American and clearly better informed than anyone who thinks this site is somehow invisible or immune to things going on in the wider internet. I’ve posted on this board and the main site on and off for over 8 years and I am sad to see this board headed the way of the main one, with a bunch of unsupportive and negative comments (mostly from anonymous people who, yes, are trolls).
If you are GOP, yeah, pretty much anything I say you might find inflammatory and toxic. That is something you should expect to have in your life when your own
views are toxic and Nazi-adjacent.
If your greed leads you to fascism and you hate getting called out on it, that is your problem, not mine. If you deny science, which shows that the average Covid victim (ie, fatality) lost 10 years of their life, that is your problem, not mine. If you don’t think Putin would put a Russian agent (this is different than a bot) into a fairly large community of predominantly white, seemingly politically naive, high-net-worth, mostly American, women, you are laughably uninformed about what happened in 2016.
Again, your problem and not mine. Thanks for taking the time to write out your ignorance and your hatred of me for standing up for others and my own values. It helps clarify my own views and shows that I am stepping on the toes of the right kind of people. Which we should all be doing right now while the GOP separates families, kills over 160,000 by their ineptitude, and have already begun dismantling democracy through various suppression efforts. There are different views, but in this moment of history, there are also clear rights and wrongs. I have picked a side against Trump. It is the same side that would have punched Nazis in the WWII era. I’m not sorry if a Nazi’s face hurts after getting punched. If your feelings were hurt after I attacked your abhorrent political views or because I made you feel bad for attacking or being toxic to someone else on this board, I’m glad to see the punch landed. Cheers.
Anonymous says
I’m the person you’re replying to. I know there’s no way to prove this to you (nor do you have any way of proving your identity to me, since you are also completely anonymous here, despite your use of a made up screenname), but I’m an American, a mom, a Midwesterner, a Democrat who voted for Hillary in ‘16 and will vote for Biden this year, and a holder of an advanced degree in science. I still find your posts here more toxic and inflammatory than any others. I obviously don’t agree with the GOP and don’t think I could be married to someone who supports Trump because I believe spouses need to be aligned in fundamental values, but I think there’s value in talking civilly to people who don’t see eye to eye with you, even if they voted for a politician as terrible as Trump. I actually think we lost in 2016 in part because a lot of Democrats couldn’t get out of their bubbles and talk to people who disagree without resorting to condescension and name calling. Maybe that’s a perspective that comes from living in a redder state and knowing lots of decent people who are still in the GOP. I don’t know. But I hate the words you throw around here about Republican voters and I say that as someone who has always voted Dem and is more repulsed by Trump than I’ve even been by a politician. I never said foreign powers aren’t interfering in our elections, obviously Russia interfered and continues to interfere but forgive me for thinking stressed out moms venting on the internet about school reopening are probably not Russian bots. ? Especially when they’re expressing views that seem to be pretty widely held here, including by so called “non-anon” commenters (although let’s be real, we’re all anon here because no one posts with their real name). There’s nothing preventing a foreign actor from putting “Realist” in the name field, it’s not like your using a verified social media account here.
IHeartBacon says
“Perhaps it means less total hours with her but the hours are much more enjoyable for us both.”
This x infinity.
I’d rather have a dime than a nickel. The dime may be smaller in size, but it’s greater in value.
Moms Solo says
You are a wonderful mama and your daughter is lucky to have you.
Anonanonanon says
Why do you need someone to justify it to you? You don’t have to like it. No one is doing it to your kids. Just think “hmm, not for me” and move on.
Spirograph says
Exactly. If this doesn’t sound like your best life, go out and live yours. Like I tell my kids: People like different things and make different choices. The world would be a boring place if everyone were exactly the same.
It seems pretty clear to me that the OP from Friday is invested in her child’s well-being. She’s not negligent, she’s not ignoring her child, she’s just OK with outsourcing more childcare than you, today’s OP, are. There is nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing wrong with you feeling like you would never make that choice, either. Neither of you needs to justify it to anyone or change anyone’s mind.
Anonymous says
She is not OK with outsourcing that childcare, though. She wants to have her cake and eat it too–two biglaw jobs and no weekend child care.
Anonanonanon says
Again… why do you care? Like I cannot fathom how so many of you have the energy to be this worked up over someone else’s life right now. Please tell me what the secret is.
Anonymous says
It’s the tone of the original post. “Woe is me! My two-year-old won’t sit quietly and play with an iPad all weekend so my husband and I can both keep working biglaw hours without hiring weekend child care. It is so unfair.” It’s really offensive to those of us who are making difficult choices, accepting tradeoffs, and doing the best we can in a difficult situation. That’s why she’s opened herself up to judgment.
I am high-risk too. I get it; it stinks to have to make these choices. But those are the breaks.
Anonymous says
+1 to Anon at 2:41. I think a lot of people here were frustrated by the annoyance that the toddler wouldn’t entertain herself alone all weekend. We’re ALL in this boat, we’re all making hard choices about bringing in more childcare or taking a step back at work. It s*cks but the OP read kind of tone deaf, like she thought she was entitled to a different reality. Also technically high risk (I maintain I’m not overall high risk due to my age and what we know about COVID so far, but I have two conditions on the CDC list) and my kid is in daycare because the socialization is good for her and neither DH or I wants to quit our job. Very few people have great options right now.
Anon says
Do you judge nannies who have kids back in the Caribbean or Philippines being raised by their grandparents? Should they not have had kids?
Anon says
That’s not a reasonable comparison if you think about it. Circumstances, options, and financial needs are completely different for a big law couple and nannies working abroad.
Anonymous says
This comment strikes me as kind of casually racist.
Redux says
Uh, yeah. Agreed.
Anonymous says
A friend of mine was sent to India to live with her grandmother when her parents did their residencies. I think that the kid was happier with grandma than with two stressed-out parents working 80+ hours a week. And she became . . . a doctor.
Different strokes for different folks.
Anon says
That is not the choice I would make; my husband and I deliberately chose to take a different, more low-key, route. So far, it is working for our family.
However, remember that minding your own business is always free. A lot of couples like this eventually transition to something else, and the years in BigLaw pay off both in finances and in the ability to get unicorn jobs. It may mean early retirement for one or both of them. Absent wild mismanagement of money, it means that their kids won’t have to pay their electric bill in their old age. There are benefits to this situation and how this particular couple, with their own children, makes those decisions right now (not for eternity) is their business and not yours or mine.
Anon says
I’ll bite.
My husband and I both have very demanding jobs. Our income is a significant, and we live in a very LCOL area. We work like this for one reason: money.
Our view is that we are working our tails off now to save and invest tons of money while our kids are little. After all, they won’t even remember this time period! We will both step way back as they get older. My husband says that if they play sports in highschool, he will be at every game.
We have two kids under five. By the end of 2020, we will be entirely debt free except for our mortgage. And there’s only $200k left on that. By the time my oldest is a second grader, we could be mortgage free too.
I was traveling for work multiple times a month within three months of having my last baby. I tried a case while 8 months pregnant. I’m sure people judged me, but they don’t pay my bills.
OP says
Helpful and very understandable for a temporary period.
Anon Lawyer says
I think this makes sense but I would say that I don’t think most people do this. Most people get caught but in getting more and more money and keeping up a nicer and nicer life style. And that’s their right but I personally question that value system.
Anonymous says
1000%. Also your kids are only little for a short time. Early retirement may be nice, but it’s not like you can go back in time and spend time with your kids when they were young. The one person I know who successfully did this and didn’t get caught up in the golden handcuffs has major regrets about missing their kids’ childhoods. On the memory point, kids definitely have specific memories from the ages of 5-6, but even before that they can notice your absence and have feelings about it. Seems so weird to only care about being there for high school, which is the time they won’t want you around.
Anon says
agreed
Boston Legal Eagle says
Ok, last point from me on this thread but FWIW, I appreciated my dad’s flexibility a lot more in high school when he was able to drive me around and pick me up from school and actually have conversations about life and don’t really remember him being gone all the time when I was little (immigrant who started with very little and had to work a lot making not very much, not BigLaw, if that makes a difference). So again, you never know, kids are different. I personally am more looking forward to having more flexibility and being around my kids more when they’re older vs. now as preschoolers/toddlers/babies.
Anonymous says
Agree. Ages 5-15 are key for both kids remembering the time you spent with them and them wanting to spend time with you. When I was 8 I would have wanted my parents at every game. When I was 15 I would have died of embarrassment. YMMV but my friends and I definitely loved the freedom of driving ourselves to our extracurriculars.
Anon says
Agree, and maybe this is selfish, but elementary schoolers are also just so much more fun to parent than high schoolers. I want to maximize my time with my kids in a way that’s good for them but also fun for me, and I enjoy 8 year olds sooooo much more than 16 year olds. Of course I know my teenagers will need me and I’ll do my best to be there for them, but I don’t anticipate it being a whole lot of fun for me. I can’t imagine missing the elementary school years, which IMO is the golden age of parenting. The kids are verbal and independent, but still sweet and adore their parents.
Anon at 10:45 says
I agree, the lifestyle inflation is a real temptation.
Thankfully I read the entire Mr. Money Mustache blog as a second year associate. I have classy capsule wardrobe from thrift stores, an unremarkable house in a good public school district, etc. I have confused many, many law firm partners over the years with my choices.
Anon says
Your view alludes to what this is really about: a drive for wealth and prestige.
Anonymous says
Honestly, so what if it is? Does that mean those of us with this drive can’t have kids?
Anon says
There is a middle ground where you can have a meaningful career and still have time for your kid.
I’m just saying there are costs to prioritizing wealth and prestige over your family to an extreme degree.
Anon at 10:43 says
Wealth? Yes. Prestige no. I don’t care what anyone thinks.
My mom stayed at home when I was little. When my dad left, we were broke. As a single mom, my mom couldn’t really work full time. We struggled so much. Everything is hard when you’re poor. I literally cried when I got my first summer associate check. I made more that summer than my mom made in a year.
My plan is to quit and stay at home full time in about five years. I will be a regular mom in a minivan, not even remotely prestigious. But we will be debt free, my kids will have money for college, and we won’t be stressed about food. When my kids need clothes, I will walk into a thrift store and buy them, instead of relying on charity give aways. When my kids need food, I will walk into a grocery store and cook it, instead of needing food banks. I am absolutely building wealth and have no shame.
Anon says
My first child is 3 and we’ve paid off the mortgage while working 9-5 jobs. You don’t have to be a workaholic to have financial security. You can always choose to live in a more affordable area and/or buy much less house than you can comfortably afford.
Anonymous says
Most people don’t like their kids anyway. They want to make their kids into mini-mes or live vicariously through their achievement or over schedule them in ways that are mind boggling if you know anything about child development. Helicopter parenting (which is so in this blogs demographic wheelhouse, though I find most of the mom’s here more normal-ish) is spectacularly infantilizing and destroying a whole generation.
Not to mention the kind of people who already have the temperament for long-term big law (rather than a “pay the student loans” type of thing) are …. maybe not the most nurturing people around? I’m probably pretty judgmental against the sort of competitive winner take all behavior (I quit dating guys who attended Ivy League schools as a matter of principle within three years of graduating college and hope my kid never goes to one because the sheer gall and entitlement was just nuts. And I went to a private art school, so I thought I’d seen it all and was hoping to meet grounded thoughtful non-arts people!)
rakma says
If it doesn’t work for you, fine, but there’s no need to bring this up to publicly judge someone else again. You don’t have to understand other people’s choices.
“That is the motto women should constantly repeat over and over again. Good for her! Not for me.” “The only way we will survive is by being kind.” -Amy Poehler.
Op says
Fair. Was just trying to see if anything here could change my mind on this.
Anonymous says
Obviously you aren’t. You’re dumping on someone again and stirring the pot. Congrats on starting all of our Monday’s with a steaming hot pile of judgment.
Cate says
Agreed – this board is a haven for me! i hope a couple bad apples – and yes, any real unproductive pot stirring like this for me is a bad apple – don’t mess that up!
Anonanonanon says
Why, though? Why do you need your mind to be changed? Why can’t you just think “hmm, not the choice I’d make” and move on?
OP says
The discussion above is constructive and helpful to me. If you don’t want to engage then don’t.
I think it’s okay to say I disagree with xyz parenting decision, anyone want to help me see it differently? That’s constructive and helpful to me to be able to see different perspectives rather than simply looking the other way. If I didn’t phrase my original post properly to have that come across, then that’s my bad.
Ashley says
I know this has been discussed over and over, but bear with me once more. What do I need to make a beach trip with a toddler fun? My guy is 2.5 years old, and we haven’t done a beach trip since he was 6 months (on purpose–that trip was miserable). We’re headed to Hilton Head Island in a couple of weeks, which is about a 4 hour drive from home. any recs are appreciated!
Anonymous says
One of those swimsuits with sleeves, a good umbrella or tent, and a bucket. Understanding that you will spend all of your time on the beach running after your child. All of it.
Ashley says
We are going with another couple that doesn’t have kids yet. The husband said something about not interrupting wife’s beach reading. I had to laugh… they have no idea what’s coming!
Anonymous says
Well she can read while you and your husband run around after the kid!
Anonymous says
Yes to all of this, plus some basic beach toys- shovel, rake, squirts, ball. We just got back from the beach with our 2 year old and she had a lovely time playing in the sand. But also, yes don’t expect to spend much time relaxing unless you are trading off with other adults. Personally, the only time I really felt relaxed on the beach was when my kids were inside napping- otherwise, I was just on high alert making sure they stayed safe near the ocean.
Clementine says
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0846PZ9MW/ref=twister_B084CQ9J59?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
This umbrella – which makes a nice half dome shelter – has been a game changer. Also a bucket and some monster trucks/ toy dinosaurs/ toy animals to play with in the sand.
Anon says
2.5 is a much easier age than 6 months for the beach! I guess my kid is not as active as others, but when we did a Lake Michigan trip this summer, we didn’t spend all our time running after her. She was pretty content to sit and build sandcastles or splash in the water. We didn’t really pack much beach gear other than a big blanket to sit on and some beach toys (plus the sun protection stuff like SPF and rash guards). It was so successful that we booked a Florida trip for December even though it will be a 12 hour drive for us. Enjoy!
Ashley says
This gives me hope! I have a feeling mine will be trying to dive into the ocean, but fingers crossed for some time sitting still.
mascot says
If you can find an area on the beach with tidal pools, that may be a great option for shallow water play. We also added an inexpensive pack of wooden/bamboo spoons to our beach toys and they work 100x than the cheap plastic shovels. If wearing rash guards, pick the bright and neon colors so you can see your kid easier, especially in the water.
Anonymous says
Sunscreen, bug spray, water shoes/sandals (never been to Hilton Head, but some beaches have sharp shells), short or long sleeved rash guard, hat (ball cap is fine), blanket and/or towels to sit on, sand/water toys, water for drinking, pre-packaged snacks, life jacket if you think he’ll want to do more than wade in the ocean. If you’ll have a long walk and have a wagon, you could consider taking it to haul everything around in. Including kiddo at times ;)
Yes, I am an over-packer. No, I do not care and am not ashamed :)
Anonymous says
This does not sound like over-packing to me.
anon says
Lots of snacks. Highly recommend a beach wagon (with giant wheels), and some kind of sunshade.
Anon says
We did a big beach trip with kiddo at 2. My (younger) sisters spent most of the beach time running up and down the beach with kiddo which meant I thankfully got to sit and just intervene if things got too wild and crazy. God bless young energetic aunts. Things that made the trip work for us: lots of sunscreen and bug spray, a swim shirt and hat she would wear (baseball cap), a sun pup tent thing (check the local beach restrictions to make sure they’re not banned), some buckets and shovels and a boogie board for her to sit on (she didn’t like the towels getting sandy or sitting in the sand) and a life vest (because she is quick and has no fear, even with multiple adults supervising). Structuring the day also helped a lot too: we would do breakfast at home, morning beach time for about 2 hours, come back to the house for lunch and nap time (oh how I miss naps) then reapply sunscreen and head out for late afternoon. We’d then do dinner at out or at home, put her down to bed, and then relax with the adults for an hour or two before heading to bed ourselves.
Anonymous says
I’d add a baby pool to the list (inflatable works). Lets your kid splash around without worrying about the ocean.
And I’d go with lifejacket or at least puddle jumpers on at all times.
CCLA says
Also, baby powder. It’s takes the sand off like magic.
Anonymous says
We live on the west coast so all of these posts about needing sun protection at the beach crack me up (we are likely to be wearing coats or fleeces even in August). But we have done 5-6 beach trips with 2 year olds and my best advice is to bring a couple of real shovels. We use garden trowels and we have a bigger real shovel we use too. Out of all those trips we have only lost one trowel – so maybe don’t bring your favorite, but they are much easier for digging than the little plastic shovels.
Anon says
Sorry to be “that person” but sun protection is very important even in chilly weather! Sand and water are extremely reflective and makes beach sun much more intense than normal sun, so it’s an issue regardless of how warm it is outside. Obviously if you’re wearing a long sleeve fleece you don’t need SPF on your arms, but you should always have it on your face at the beach.
Anonymous says
I know, I know! We put sunscreeen on faces, necks, hands, feet and wear hats. But it’s cloudy and cold and no need for sun shelters, rash guards, etc.
FTM in need of advice says
I’m a first time mom and expecting in a few months who just started the day care search. (We live in the NYC metro area). I’ve done in person and virtual tours of a few day cares near us and feel a bit defeated. One daycare doesn’t have windows. Another in-home day care is smaller than our apartment and there is no separate infant space. The lady operating the Montessori school was rude, and does a 6 month old even need Montessori? After seeing these places, I’m wondering if it makes sense to hire a nanny ($$$$) until the child is 12-18 months and a bit more mobile and self-sufficient.
A little bit of context if that helps: I am a recent law grad who will be starting a new job before baby comes. Public interest lawyer with a ~1.5 hr commute each way, so will need at least 11 hours of care per day. Husband is a doctor with a reasonable, but not flexible schedule. Apparently it’s not just big law couples with crazy hours who need more than 50 hours of care a week! We can financially afford for me to not work (and I will likely fork over most of my salary for childcare until the kids go to public school), but I (like many other women!) am smart and have worked incredibly hard to get to where I am and want to keep my foot in the door. As someone who is starting her law career much later than her peers, I am afraid if I take time off now to raise kids, I will never be able to have a legal career.
I don’t even know what kind of advice I’m asking for but accept any wisdom you have!
Boston Legal Eagle says
How about a nanny share? Should be less money than a full time nanny for just you, with some of the benefits of personal attention. The drawbacks are that you’ll have to find a family with a similar mindset as you, and you may need to transport the baby somewhere else for a few days, but you can arrange to have some days at your place at least.
Childcare is a joint expense so please don’t think of it as just your money going to pay for it. It doesn’t sound like you want to stay at home, it’s just the expenses, which are temporary (hopefully!)
anon says
+1. We found another family with a similarly aged child and found it really helpful to be each other’s support system. We also had four parents who would take turns providing coverage if the nanny called out.
OP says
Thanks for that perspective on childcare being a joint expense. I’m not sure why I put the burden on myself to “cover” it when in reality it’s exactly as you, and a few others, describe!
And thanks everyone for the gentle and kind advice. There’s a lot of good stuff people have stated that we need to think about; sadly some options are out of the picture (such as finding a new job, or moving closer to my job), but others are more feasible for our situation, such as a staggered work schedule, finding a nanny share, or attempting to negotiate WFH (may the odds be in my favor). And indeed, a 1.5 hour commute (train + one subway transfer, door to door) is terrible/very far from ideal, but not unheard of in the NY-area.
Anonymous says
Why can’t you move or change jobs? 3 hours a day of commuting is 15 hours a week at 780 hours a year. That’s a lot of extra childcare hours where you can save money if you can even cut your commute in half.
Anonymous says
+1. There are very few things in life that “can’t” be done.
Anonymous says
I’m only referencing your job because it wasn’t clear from your comments if your DH also has a similarly long commute. Even commuting 45 minutes – 1 hr each way is a game changer over a 1h30m commute.
Anon says
I felt similarly after touring daycares and seeing a lot of infants just lying on activity mats or boppys kind of staring into space. It was depressing. Our state has a 1:4 ratio, and most daycares had 2 teachers for 8 infants and that really just isn’t optimal in my opinion. We ended up going with a nanny until we were able to get a spot in our first choice daycare when my daughter was 16 months. We didn’t have the best nanny experience, but I still feel that a nanny is pretty logical for an infant if you can afford it. I will say that now we’re in daycare we love it and I can’t imagine going back to a nanny – it’s such a relief not having to manage an employee. My daughter’s daycare has an 8 person infant/toddler room, but only 3 of the children are infants and the rest are toddlers. The toddlers kind of play together, so the infants get a lot more teacher attention than they would if there were 8 of them. Also, despite only officially having 2 teachers they frequently had 3 or 4 adults in the room (at least pre-covid). I would be completely comfortable putting a new baby in my daughter’s former classroom, but (at least in our area) it seems to be kind of a unicorn set up.
Also not trying to shame you, but I really do not think a 3 hour roundtrip commute is doable in this stage of life. If your child is in care 11 hours/day, there will be days you don’t see your child awake. Many days, possibly. (My daughter slept almost 13 hours at night from about 6 months to 18 months.) Daycares may offer 55 hours/week of care, but you’d be maxing their hours and what happens if you have to stay late unexpectedly? A single nanny also can’t work 55 hours, you would need a minimum of two people. I would move or change jobs if at all possible.
Anonanonanon says
I’d continue to explore in-home daycares. Yes, they don’t have a separate infant area, but in the right one it’s magical. Smaller group (which will be great in COVID), more individualized attention, etc. Ours only took 2 babies at a time, and her mother was one of the 3 staff members they had for 6 kids. She preferred to keep the setup as 2 babies, 2 toddlers, 2 young preschoolers. Her mother’s job was basically to love the babies. She sat in a chair all day and took turns holding and loving the babies. It was beautiful and I’m so happy my daughter got to have that.
Also, gently, you may need to move to minimize the commute if at all possible.
Anonymous says
This. I’m in Canada and in home daycares are a super popular option for ages 1-2 or even 3. Then kids usually move to a regular daycare or preschool situation. Dayhomes usually have a max of 4 or 6 kids depending on 1-2 caregivers and not more than 2 babies under age 2. Provincial registration means regular checks on standards are done. I’m assuming most states have a similar registry. That said, most operate 9-5 or 8-4 or maybe 8-5 so you’d still need an aftercare nanny and to stagger drop off/pick up with your husband.
Pogo says
I also have to plug in-homes. The right one can be almost like a nanny share, where you know the other families and the family of the caregiver really well. Like Anonanonanon, our caregiver’s family (in this case her daughters) were especially involved when the kids were small; now the two boys in the group love to follow around the dad of the family while he works in the yard (thanks to COVID, the entire family is, like the rest of us, working or schooling from home and has tons of flexibility and time to spend w/ the kiddos). I also liked that the infants were able to nap really well, because they each had a pack n play in their own room basically, that could be very dark and quiet.
Check with your state licensing board, that’s how to find all the in-homes and speak directly to their auditor/licenser (most in-homes in my area do not advertise or have a website of any kind). In MA the auditors are regional so all the daycares in my area fell under the same person, who could pull up all the historical reports on her computer while we were chatting (to confirm they never had any violations, and if they had warnings, what they were, etc). I would find this especially helpful during COVID as the auditor needs to be constantly approving their updated COVID plans, and can provide you that info as well.
I will say that with the # of hours you need, you’ll likely need to add a PT nanny to the mix – probably to either do drop off or pickup. Most in-homes max out at 10 hours/day (since they don’t have shift workers like large centers, but again, with COVID this is more and more common anyway). Pre-COVID I actually had luck finding such a person, who nannyed 5 hours a day in the morning for one family (like, got there pre-dawn when the kids were still asleep so the parents could start their commutes) and then wanted to pick up additional hours later in the day.
Hugs. I’m not sure where all this hate for people needing 50h+ care is suddenly coming from, we need that and we’re not both in biglaw. It’s hard to fit two jobs and commutes into 50 hours!
Anonymous says
I think the responses would have been very different if she said she worked 10 hours/day and needed 11 hours of care with the commute. It’s the 3 hour commute that people are reacting so strongly to. There’s no reason to spend almost a third of your day commuting. Shaving even an hour off that would be life-changing with an infant – the difference between seeing her baby awake and not.
Anonymous says
We loooooved the in home we used for our older child!! Two very warm caregivers, 6ish kids depending on the day, 6 months-5 years. The babies were not separated out but they waste point! They loved the big kids. There was a separate nap space, which was important to me.
We moved and for our second child I was very underwhelmed at the infant care options. Way fewer in homes. We used a small daycare that was… acceptable. At best. But baby was there only from 4 months to 9 months.
Anonymous says
I would look into moving closer to your work or changing your job location. Can you WFH at least 3 days a week in your current job? Cutting your commute time will be key to figuring out childcare. It significantly reduces the number of hours needed.
Stagger drop off/pick up with your husband. Get a nanny share and a part-time afternoon nanny/student who picks up from nanny share at 5pm or whatever from the nanny share and stays until 7-8pm a couple nights a week.
Anonanonanon says
Yes if possible you guys will need to stagger work schedules.
Lily says
If you want to see your kid while he or she is awake (like, at all), you cannot both be away for 11 hours a day. That is bonkers and not fair to you guys or your kid. I’m sorry but either you or your husband (or both) need to adjust your schedule. There is NO reason you need to commute 3 hours a day in order to find work as a lawyer.
Anonymous says
I had a 1-hour commute each way. Day care options near home were terrible, so I put the baby in an amazing center near my office. I commuted with her from age 4.5 months to age 4.5 years. Pros: I didn’t have to pump because I could go walk over and feed the baby during the day. Cons: I was 100% responsible for drop-off and pick-up. If I worked from home or was home sick, I had no child care. When I traveled we needed backup care.
The idea that you will never see your baby if you’re out of the house 11 hours a day does not square with my experience. I got home at 6:30 after day care pickup and commuting time. We all went to bed around 9:30, including the baby. I never had any time to myself, but I had 3 solid hours of family time every evening. The baby slept until just before it was time to leave in the morning, which allowed me to get ready efficiently.
If you are one of those people who insists on putting the baby to bed at 6:30 p.m. so it wakes up at 5:00 a.m., you will have difficulty with a long commute.
Anonymous says
I’m glad it worked out for you, but obviously a 9:30 pm bedtime isn’t the norm for a baby or toddler and most kids need far more sleep than that bedtime would allow. 12 hours of sleep at night, plus daytime nap(s) if applicable is recommended until well into preschool.
Anonymous says
9:30 bedtime is extremely unusual for a baby. Both DD and DS went to bed at 6 or 6:30pm every night for the first year. I barely made it home for 10 mins of kid time some nights.
Anonymous says
Agree. My 8 year old goes to bed at 9:30. 7-7:30pm was a typical bedtime until age 6 And that’s with a 7 am wakeup.
Anon says
My baby woke up at 5AM regardless of what time I put him down. I’m glad it worked for you but you usually can’t just put them down later so they sleep later! It doesn’t work like that for most babies!
Anon Lawyer says
Right? I don’t set it up so my baby wakes up at 5:30am for funsies, I promise.
anon says
first of all, don’t feel badly about forking over your whole salary for childcare. we pay basically my whole pre tax salary for our nanny for our twins. i am very very grateful that we are able to afford to do this because i would be beyond miserable as a SAHM. i had really bad ppd/ppa and honestly, especially for the first year and even for now, the less time i spent with my kids, the better. i also enjoy them much more when I am not solo parenting (pre Covid, i did A LOT of solo parenting), which maybe i would feel differently about if we only had 1 kid, but we have a wonderful nanny who adores them.
Anon in nyc says
Welcome! Fellow NYC metro mom. We have a nanny for 40 hours a week. We LOVE the nanny option and if you can swing it and find a good one, I’d really recommend it. Check out Park Slope Parents for a lot of good info about hiring and paying nannies. Check out local moms groups for nanny recommendations. There are tons of great ones available now with a lot of families leaving the city. We manage on 40 hours a week because my job is only 40 hours a week and we stagger our schedules. Honestly though, I recommend paying for more childcare than you strictly need and then you (and your partner) can work out or take a short coffee break to help you and your partner feeling happy.
Also, I try not to think “my” salary going towards childcare (even though mine is lower than my husband’s). You and your partner are a team and your salaries combined make your lifestyle work!
Anonymous says
There are rules that prevent daycares on ground floors from having windows–the diaper changes would be visible to passersby, etc. It makes sense but it also stinks!
I would definitely look into changing your commute requirements. You’re going to be frustrated and exhausted, even with a nanny. 3hrs a day is way too long.
In terms of what to look for in a daycare, if you go that route–ask about how they communicate with you. We went with Kindercare starting at 4 months and it was so great to have tons of pictures and also details on what DS ate, diapers, etc. throughout the day (they used a dedicated app).
Anonymous says
I have never heard this re: windows. What about windows that don’t face a street? Windows with coverings would address your concern, too. What about emergency evacuation plans? My kid has been in six different daycare rooms throughout her life in two major cities and they’ve all had windows. This may be some regional thing but I would not be happy with a window-free room either.
Anon says
Honestly, I ended up with a nanny due to Covid and I vastly prefer it to daycare, which we attended for a few weeks. It’s just better interaction for the baby and I feel much better about being away from him during that time.
ALC says
Any advice for a 6-hour drive with a 1-year-old? Longest car trips he’s had so far have been about an hour, and he got cranky at about the 45 minute mark. Thanks!
Jeffiner says
Do you have a second adult to sit in the back next to him, to talk to him and administer toys, books, and snacks? Also, if rest stops are open, or other safe areas where he can run around for 15 min or so.
Or, could you leave around his bedtime and drive through the night? Only if you think you’ll be alert enough to make it safe.
Anonymous says
Make sure your morning is active and then leave a little before nap time, you should be able to get a solid few hours in while he sleeps!
Anon Lawyer says
Anyone have good transitional finger foods for a 9-month-old? She’s reached the point where she seems annoyed with purées but also is still bad at eating regular food. I’ve tried the baby-led weaning approach of “she eats what I’m eating” and it’s good for introducing her to textures and flavors, which I’m happy about, but she ingests basically zero of it and it becomes baby-led dog feeding. So I am hoping there are things that can kind of transition her towards normal foods – avocado, soft fruits (grilled peaches last night), and grated cheese have worked so far.
She has a mild egg allergy (which feels like it takes out a whole category of convenient foods) but can eat them baked into things.
Jeffiner says
Mine loved baby corn and pickles. Even without teeth she could gum a pickle down to nothing. We skipped the purees and did baby led weaning, but she also didn’t really start ingesting food until much closer to one.
Mathy says
We had success with the following: shredded cheese (thick shreds!), long chunks of banana and cooked sweet potato coated in finely ground peanuts (dual purpose — allergen introduction and easier to keep in hands), soft rotisserie chicken in big shreds, pancakes and steamed broccoli florets.
Anon Lawyer says
Thanks, coating sweet potatoes in ground peanuts is genius!
IHeartBacon says
Also, crinkle cutting veggies make them a little easier to grasp. Here are some things to crinkle cut and you then you can roast or saute in a little butter until they are soft: all types of potatoes; all types of squashes (zucchini, butternut, acorn, kabocha, pumpkin, banana, chayote); carrots. Other foods to try: firm tofu cut into cubes (I served it uncooked and unseasoned.); all beans (black, pinto, garbanzo, kidney, white beans…really just all the beans. I bought low sodium canned beans and then rinsed them under water to wash away any extra salt); peas; broccoli and cauliflower (steamed until slightly softened); mushrooms (raw); blueberries; watermelon; mangos (really ripe so they are soft); kiwi (really ripe); plums (really ripe); ground meat (broken up with a spoon into bite sized pieces about the size of a blueberry); and fish.
Anon says
We did a lot of peas and carrots (the frozen kind that are cut into small cubes), roasted cauliflower and roasted butternut squash, black beans, blueberries, bananas and strawberries at that age. My daughter doesn’t have an egg allergy but never took to eggs. I don’t think you’re really missing anything. Eggs are a pain to prepare compared to fruits and veggies and are super messy for a toddler to eat!
Anon Lawyer says
Thanks! Are peas not a choking hazard for babies? I had assumed they’d need to be smashed or something.
Anon says
Nope! They’re small enough they go down whole. We (ok, I) was super paranoid about choking, so we started with peas for that reason when we transitioned away from purees. It’s things like grapes that are big enough to be swallowed whole but also big enough to block the airway that are a concern.
IHeartBacon says
Peas are definitely not a chocking hazard for a 9 month old. Grapes, on the other hand, are absolutely a choking hazard if they are served whole. Grapes should always be cut into halves (or quarters if they’re big). During peak season, blueberries also need to be cut because they’re huge.
Lily says
black beans + rice + shredded cheese – nutritionally excellent, easy to pick up with hands or spoon, tasty
veggie or turkey chili (added benefit of learning to use spoon, but thick enough she can eat with hands)
Anonymous says
My ped cautioned against too much rice. There are concerns about arsenic. She said it was fine to serve a few times a week but not more than that. Our daycare serves it occasionally so we avoid it at home.
anon says
you can also use quinoa or other grain instead of rice – even healthier
Cate says
Ahhhh we eat a lot of rice! Are there acceptable rices? Brown versus white? Things I didn’t want to worry about today… oops.
Anonymous says
Brown is generally more nutritious than white, but has more arsenic. I think basmati is supposed to be the best choice. Apparently organic vs not organic doesn’t matter. I don’t know how big a deal it really is, but I’ve heard about it from quite a few different sources for several years now, and the ped specifically mentioned it so we try to be careful about it when it comes to our daughter. I think it’s a bigger concern for babies than adults. I still eat quite a bit of rice myself.
Anonymous says
Cooking rice using the “lost water” method reduces the arsenic. Brown rice has more arsenic, but also more nutrients.
Anon Lawyer says
I think brown rice has more than white rice. Our pediatrician basically just said not to give rice cereal and to do something like oatmeal instead. He definitely said it was ok to do some.
Anon says
We didn’t have to face this because rice is very constipating – and DD had issues with that so oatmeal all the way (which has its own issues I think according to a consumer reports article that ran just as we were outgrowing it). Everything in moderation!
Anonymous says
We follow the CDC recommendation to rinse rice before boiling to reduce the arsenic and just eat a few times a week.
Anonymous says
Salmon! My daughter was obsessed with it at that age. It’s super healthy in moderation, and very easy for older infants to pick up and chew.
anon says
Indian food is a great option. Butter chicken, vindaloos, saag paneer, mango chutney, curried okra, curried chickpeas, yogurt sauces, etc. Indian spices are fine for babies and the stewed foods go down really easily. Just make sure the dish isn’t overly salted.
anon says
We have an 8.5 month old and are doing a lot of bread/waffle/pancake cut into strips with smushed whatever (cream cheese, butter, fruit) on it. He loves it. We also do a lot of ground meats and fish. This weekend we pulled the filling of a dumpling out and he went to town on it. Mine doesn’t have the pincer grasp yet so I put a small bit on his tray (ends up on floor) and feed him the rest with my hands.
Bamba puffs are a great snack that he can hold onto and it introduces peanuts.
It’s been mentioned here a lot – but feedinglittles on instagram has some great recommendations.
anon says
Also forgot to recommend yummytoddlerfood on instagram- she shows you how to offer each food at different ages
Anon says
My baby wasn’t a big eater but loved corn on the cob to an unholy degree. It was the only thing he’d not throw on the floor and we could eat dinner peacefully while he ate his corn.
Anon says
Other suggestions: mini quiches, mini muffins, shoestring potatoes (use a spiralizer if you have one), shredded chicken, mini meatballs chopped up, and steamed veggies.
Anon says
How old was he when he was able to eat this? Did he need teeth? (Excited at the idea for my baby)
Anonymous says
Cottage cheese!
Runner says
We are doing a 15 hour road trip on two weeks. Two 21 month olds, plus my husband and me.
(1) how much time should we budget for this? Like one hour off for every three hours on? Plan right now is one hotel night, with trying to do a lot of the driving on the first day.
(2) I am thinking one of us will sit in back with a cooler of snacks, all the books in the world, and some new toys. Other ideas?
Anon says
I know some other people have different experiences, but kids don’t really add much time to road trips for us. We’ve found that it’s easier to just power through, stopping only for food, gas and bathrooms, which are necessary for everyone. If we planned a half hour break to run around, I don’t think we’d ever get her back in the car. It’s easier to just get there and then let her have all the running around she wants.
Anonymous says
+1
Spirograph says
I mostly agree with this, with one exception: we do extended food stops. This might mean going to a sit-down dinner restaurant (family diner type, nothing fancy) and then walking around the block afterward, or grabbing fast food but eating it picnic style at a nearby park so the kids can run around a bit. So meals are a 30-60 minute stop, but otherwise it’s in-and-out at gas stations and for bathrooms as needed.
Anon says
+1 Just did a 19 hour trip with 16 month old, 3 year old and 5 year old. Lunch was an hour both days but we had like one bathroom stop as well? And that was it? kids did awesome. We didn’t stop to let them run around regularly and it was fine – I was glad we powered through.
AwayEmily says
We recently did a 14 hour drive with a 2yo and a 4yo. We opted to do it in one big push, and we left at about 1pm. We stopped once, for a 6pm dinner, and then they fell asleep when it got dark. So we drove from about 1pm – 3am, and they slept for the last six hours.
We did the same drive two years ago and broke it up into two days, with stops every 3 hours. The one-day push was SO MUCH BETTER. Like, EONS better. We only did it because of COVID worries, but honestly I am never going back. Frequent stops take so much time and just end up making it worse for everyone.
In terms of entertainment, lots of kid music, a bag of toys, and just being okay with them being cranky/crying sometimes. It will happen. I would not sit in the back unless necessary.
Anon says
You literally stopped once as in the adults were going 7+ hours without using the bathroom? I envy your bladder!
AwayEmily says
Ha! I did not drink ANY water, and usually I drink a ton, so it was a struggle. My husband did stop to pee a few additional times, but he would just pull over and duck behind a tree.
Anonymous says
On our last road trip, DH just peed on the side of the road and I went in a diaper. This was for COVID reasons (we were seeing high risk family and really wanted to avoid public bathrooms) but it worked fine.
Anon says
+1 to stopping as little as possible. On our last long drive, we did 15-min bathroom/stretching/gas breaks every 4-5 hours, but other than that just went for it. My kids don’t sleep in the car, so we don’t do overight drives, but have had good luck with this strategy even during the day.
Also, ymmv with this, but for our twins having an adult in the back with them is much more work than having them alone back there. When they can see an adult they want a lot more interaction, but when we’re up front they’ll spend a lot more time happily chatting/playing with each other. Definitely have a bag of exciting snacks and toys to pass out at regular intervals, though!
Anon says
If you search for Pew Research Center and mother child care, you’ll see that on average, Moms in 1965 spent 10 hours on child care each week. In 2016, they average 14 hours a week. In the same time frame, paid work went from an average of 9 hours/wk to 25 hrs/wk.
This is the research people are citing when they say working moms today spend more time with their kids than SAHMs in the 50s. Obviously there will be outliers then and now, but on average, it’s true.
Anon Lawyer says
I wonder how much of that is because kids were allowed to freely roam the neighborhood and play with other neighborhood kids in a lot of places back then. But some of it might also just be what moms were counting as “child care.”
Anon says
+1. Also these stats lump all moms together. They don’t support the statement that working moms now do more childcare than SAHMs then, because they don’t break the numbers out separately.
Anonymous says
Unpopular opinion, but I think modern day people like to complain about life more and perceive themselves as doing more work, even when the work hasn’t changed. I also suspect the definition of “childcare” has changed a lot. The vast majority of 1950s SAHMs (all but the wealthy few who employed nannies or live-in maids) were alone with their children 40+ hours per week before the kids went to school, and upwards of 15-20 hours even with school age children. Maybe they say they only did 10 hours of childcare because there were only 10 hours per week that they were sitting on the floor playing tea party with the kids, or whatever. But in my view if you’re the only adult in a home with children who aren’t young enough to stay home alone, you’re providing childcare even if you’re also trying to do laundry or prepare dinner. Maybe you could subtract out the time they’re napping or having a play date, but it’s still objectively much more than 10 hours.
Anonymous says
This. You can supervise a 2 year old while you are making dinner or doing laundry but not while doing work like writing a biglaw brief.
10 hours a week of dedicated childcare does not mean that the toddlers were at daycare while the SAHM were at home the rest of the time.
Anon says
Exactly. A comment like this mightake the modern working parent feel better but there’s no doubt in my mind that people who stayed home with their kids spent a lot more time just around their kids and ready to hear whatever is on the kids mind while making dinner, dishes, laundry etc. They were maybe not on floor playing but that’s overrated anyway IMO
Anon says
For sure!
Anon Lawyer says
Heh, I mean, to be fair, maybe they were more available, maybe they were stoned out of their minds on benzos. It’s not like that era was exactly a paradise for moms and kids.
Anon says
Omg so many hostile stereotypes of stay at home moms. Why do you have to diminish the time they had for their kids by implying they were often stoned?
Anon Lawyer says
Anon at 1:57, being a stay at home mom can be great. The expectations of women during the ‘50s were not great and did indeed lead to prescription drug abuse some (but not all) of the time. That doesn’t diminish anything. But no, we shouldn’t idealize there ‘50s as a time when all moms were available to their kids and everything was great. I am actually shocked this actually needs to be said. This is why our moms and grandmas fought for women’s right, guys.
Anon says
Yes!
Anonymous says
If your daycare or school closes for 14 days due to a positive test, how strictly do you quarantine at home? If we knew a classmate or teacher had tested positive, I would be inclined to treat myself as infected and not to leave my house for anything until the quarantine period was over, but if the case was in a different classroom, I’m not so sure. Not going to indoor spaces or gathering in large groups either way, but wondering about things like playgrounds and getting takeout food. Purely a hypothetical question at this point, although I imagine it’s one we’ll face sooner or later.
Clementine says
In my state, we would get a call directing us on a ‘hard’ quarantine if it was a close contact/high risk of exposure.
If not, the direction is to wear masks, avoid crowds, and leave the house only for outdoor exercise and grocery shopping. I would do contactless take out but wouldn’t do any playdates or see any family members.
SC says
My employer has required everyone to return to work. DH is a SAHD. Kiddo started in-person school today. If Kiddo’s school shuts down due to a positive test, whether I would stay home depends on the circumstances. I would try to find out how close the contact was (someone in his class vs someone in the school). I would factor in whether anyone in my family had any symptoms. I would attempt to get me and DH tested. But honestly, I’d probably go to work. My employer has a lot of hostility toward work from home and openly discriminates against women. I appear to be the exception for now, but likely because I joined this firm after having a baby, and because DH is a SAHD.
Anonanonanon says
I am so, so irritated.
We were supposed to have a new nanny start a 1-week trial today, she called out this morning. Fine, whatever. But it is such a seller’s market if you’re a nanny right now there is no professionalism left. I had a no-show for an interview today, and one I had scheduled at a time SHE proposed and she texted me sorry she’s doing another one at the same time but she’ll call me later (??????)
Why is this so hard? We’re offering high end of market rate pay, paid sick, paid holidays, vacation after the first 6 months, not a crazy number of kids… just ugh. I don’t even WANT a nanny is what makes this stink.I’m high risk so for a variety of reasons it’s our only option, but stupid COVID.
Anonymous says
Have you tried a nanny service?
Anonanonanon says
No, but you’re right. I should. I don’t have the bandwidth to run a hiring process right now. I need to outsource.
Realist says
Nanny service may not be better. In my area they are offering 3x the normal signing bonus to get new nannies signed on with the agency. There are shortages of qualified people. Try the agency, but you will probably have to keep working on it.
Anonymous says
Yeah it’s a sellers market for nannies now for sure. Friends have had the most luck with former daycare and preschool teachers who weren’t comfortable returning to work, and at least in our area there are a lot of them. They’re 1) more professional because they’re used to the school environment and 2) more cautious because they quit their jobs out of fear for their own health, so you know they’re not out there hitting the bars every weekend.
Anonanonanon says
OMG the one that called out today had committed to a one-week trial with us and she just had the gall to say she’ll come tomorrow but has to leave at 2:30 for another interview! Y’all….
Anonymous says
Ugh, I’m sorry. I’m spiteful and have no patience for stuff like this, but I’d outsource your search and tell her not to bother coming this week at all, she’s out of the running.
Anonymous says
For sure. I’d be done with her.
Anonanonanon says
I politely said that part of the reason we wanted a trial was to assess reliability and unfortunately it was clear we weren’t a match. blergh
Anonymous says
I was a NYC babysitter in college and Nannys are basically treated like garbage, fired instantly, have no security, no insurance, no retirement. They are not treated like professionals in our society and maybe it seems unfair that you’re reaping what years of other upper class women have sown, but I’m cheering on the nannys.
Anon says
Ugh my endocrinologist just told he’s “sorry” my child has to go to daycare and that children are much better off home with their parents. This had nothing to do with covid risks to my health, it was something he said while we were making small talk during the telehealth appointment (phone call) I had to have with him to get ultrasound results. I seriously almost told him to go f-ck himself. All my other doctors are women but I didn’t have any choice in him since he’s a specialist and gahhhh I just hate him.
Anon Lawyer says
Ugh, what a complete jerk, I’m sorry.
I had the new dentist in my (great) practice lately and he made a comment about how I was “late” getting started having children (I had my first last year at 36). Don’t they give these people any “basic human interaction” training?