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I am the type of person who really should pick out my outfit the night before. I am the opposite of someone who has a finely edited capsule work wardrobe, because my weakness is clothing on sale/impulse shopping. I have a lot of great work clothing, but it can be a little time consuming to not know what goes together off the top of my head, and I like inspiration to strike. However, if I were to be more consistent with picking out my clothes the night before, I would love to have this in my bedroom or closet. It would give me an idea of how everything lays together, and show if anything needs to be steamed or ironed — and there’s a space for shoes at the bottom. I also like the idea of hanging a necklace on the pegs. This garment rack is $118 at Anthropologie. Alba Garment Rack
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- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
lsw says
For this very reason I recently picked up an over the door hook from the Container Store that I absolutely love. It’s the Nickel Duchess Valet Over the Door Hook. Unfortunately it’s not available for shipping, but it happened to be at our local store. It’s awesome. And as a side bonus, our walk-in closet is unheated, so setting out my clothes the day before means they don’t feel like sheets of ice!
Anon says
Gently, this seems redundant on what a hook can do? Felt the same way about the nursing pin and a few other recommendations lately.
Anonymous says
I guess it gives you 2-3 nail holes in the wall vs however many hooks you’d need to hang. And maybe could add some visual interest?
But totally agree, in my house we are strictly hooks!
GCA says
Ha, yeah. This is cute, but easily replaced with a hook (or a chair in the bedroom, ahem). For my part, instead of planning outfits, I just have a very limited winter wardrobe. I’m sure my coworkers are like ‘She’s wearing the green sweater – it must be Wednesday’.
Anonymous says
This rack looks like a messy clutter magnet. Maybe inside a closet, but definitely not out in the bedroom where it would be visible all the time. It stresses me out just looking at the picture.
Anon says
+1
Airport with twin toddlers says
Paging the OP from yesterday- just catching up as I myself was in an airport alone with a 7 month old, a 2.5 year old that didn’t nap, and a 5 year old yesterday. I survived, barely.
Suggestion:
1. Check the car seats if you need them at your destination and use a cards harness.
2. If you want them to have the car seat on board to nap/what have you, check your stroller. Get the car seat rollers for both car seats and wheel them riding their car seats thelugh the airport. Use a backpack as your diaper bag. We have this, but it needs a luggage bag. https://www.amazon.com/Traveling-Toddler-Seat-Travel-Accessory/dp/B000JHN3AS/ref=asc_df_B000JHN3AS/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=241971193896&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=14601557650697869994&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9026831&hvtargid=pla-594085274154&psc=1
You’ll have a little trouble actually boarding the plane like this, but they can walk and a flight attendant will help you.
Pro tip: bring (emptied) Good 2 grow character juice bottles to fill with water or airline beverages. They don’t spill and my kids were so psyched for their Poppy Troll juice!
OP says
Thank you!
anon says
kudos to you for flying with 3 young kids! not sure i could do that solo. just thinking about doing it makes me anxious
Redux says
For those who have done pelvic floor therapy, can you describe the exercises/ point to a resource I could use to DIY this at home? Is it basically routine kegels? Or is there more? I will talk to my gyn about it, but I live in a semi-rural area where it is highly unlikely I will find a specialist. Plus, I have heard her say that women with leakage problems should stop drinking so much water, so I am not entirely confident she is up to speed/ on board with pelvic floor therapy to begin with.
Anonymous says
It’s worth it to get an actual exam done even if you have to travel or take an afternoon off when you’re on vacation in an area with a service provider. Even if you have to pay out of pocket. It’s not routine kegels. I worked with someone initially who, while a PT, didn’t have a true specialization and didn’t do an internal exam. Found someone who does an internal exam and preferable has a post-graduate certificate or other specialization and made much more progress more quickly. Even one session can be enough to explain what specific exercises you should be doing based on where your areas of weakness are.
Wish I had done it years ago. Finally almost back to everything feeling like it did before kids. Quick tips are (1) do not cross your legs when sitting at your desk (2) make sure you pull up (kegel) before you cough or sneeze,Coughing and sneezing puts pressure on the pelvic floor. (3) use a squatty potty or step stool when going #2 to better position yourself and reduce pressure. I thought it was interesting that my PT also has a lot of male clients who come post-prostate surgery.
In France pelvic floor PT is actually a standard part of post-birth recovery. A friend was aghast when she found out it wasn’t standard like the 6 week post-birth check with an OB/GYN. Cosmo (of all places!) had a good article about it a couple years ago. A friend sharing that article was how I first heard of it.
Anonymous says
“Contrary to what one may think, ob-gyns are not trained to evaluate pelvic floor muscles or nerves even though they work in this region,” says Stephanie Prendergast, MPT, co-founder of the Pelvic Health and Rehabilitation Center in Los Angeles and co-author of Pelvic Pain Explained. “A speculum pushes right past the very muscles and nerves that cause problems as the OB tries to get to the uterus and cervix.” This exam is the extent of most American women’s postpartum care.
https://www.cosmopolitan.com/lifestyle/a59626/birth-injuries-postpartum-pain-untreated/
Lana Del Raygun says
Why aren’t you supposed to cross your legs?
Anonymous says
It usually leads to sitting with your pelvis not a neutral position and can be hard on weaken pelvic muscles.
CHL says
You might also consider Mommastrong – it’s not the same as real PT therapy but a lot of good info and resources for pelvic floor stuff.
IHeartBacon says
Could you try calling a specialist and see if you can get a phone consult at least? And perhaps even get some recs from the specialist for at-home exercises specific to your needs? I can only attest to what my issues were and what my specialist recommended for me.
K. says
I got the program Restore Your Core and a lot of the exercises are similar to some of the things I did in PT for this (it is pricey, but I love it–I don’t get anything for recommending it!). I would use it as a supplement though and find someone you can go to every other week or monthly. There are things that a PT can do in office that are very helpful. I live in a very rural area and have been at least an hour away from any specialist,but I have found them helpful.
Anon says
A gyn who suggests drinking less water to deal with leakage doesn’t seem to know very much about pelvic floor issues. I know it can be hard in a rural area, but I’d try to get a different gyn—if PT doesn’t work, you want a gyn who can advise on other options.
Redux says
Thanks for these ideas, all!
Marilla says
I know this has been the subject of a ton of conversations already, but can I get some advice on plane travel/car seats? We will be flying with a 3 year old and chunky 8 month old in April. One of us will wear/hold the baby since he’s traveling as a lap child, but what’s best practice for the 3 year old in terms of bringing a car seat on board? We have the Cosco travel car seat that’s so often recommended here and I’m willing to bring it on board and install it, but will that be comfortable or will we be better off just buckling her into the plane seat? FWIW, she’s super tall but skinny. I don’t know if she’ll sleep either way.
octagon says
For my 2.5 year old at the holidays, we gate-checked the car seat and buckled him into the plane seat. It worked great.
EB0220 says
I know not everyone will agree with this, but we just buckle our kids into the seat. You can use the CARES harness if you want more restraint than the lap belt.
Redux says
Same. We do a lot of air travel– 8-12 flights a year (thanks faraway families!)– and have never used a car seat.
Anon in NYC says
Same. We bring a car seat and check it, but on the actual plane, we use the CARES harness.
NYCer says
Older child is not a toddler anymore, but we did this too. Never brought a car seat onto the plane (we did gate check it several times though).
Anon says
I think it’s hard to know how comfortable it will be until you try it out because the airplane buckle is in a very different place than the seatbelt buckle in a car. My 11 month old doesn’t scream in the Cosco seat but it’s clearly not super comfortable for her and she rarely sleeps in it (although she’s not a great carseat sleeper generally, so I don’t know how much we can blame the Cosco). We buckle her into it for take-off and landing for safety reasons but otherwise let her out to nurse, sit on our laps and play. Since you won’t really have anywhere to put your 3 year old if she doesn’t like the carseat, I would probably just try putting her in the regular airplane seat and seeing how that goes.
Anonymous says
My toddler doesn’t mind the airplane buckle in the Cosco seats, will sleep in it, and loves having “my pink carseat!!!”, so we bring it on board. The seat is light enough that’s it’s not a pain to carry down the plane aisle and I find it quick to install.
Official best practice is to use a seat on board until your kid hits 40 lbs since that is when the seatbelt fits well enough to keep them restrained in the unlikely event the plane skids off the runway. In practice, most people don’t bring on carseats, but in 20+ flights we’ve never had anyone give us flack for doing it.
Anonymous says
We flew with a car seat exactly once. Pros: Kid was comfortable and couldn’t wiggle around too much. Did not have to risk damage to the car seat from checking it. Cons: The car seat put the kid close enough to gently kick the back of the seat in front of her once or twice, causing an outburst of rage on the part of the seat’s occupant that led the flight attendant to reseat him. On a different segment, the flight attendant refused to give us a seat belt extender to use with the car seat, so the seat belt buckle got stuck inside the belt path of the car seat where there wasn’t room to lift the tab to release the buckle. When we landed, a mechanic had to come and unbolt the seat belt from the seat in order for us to remove the car seat.
If your child is large enough, my advice would be to check the car seat and bring on a CARES harness.
Anonymous says
Yeah, if you have a seat with a closed beltpath and can’t get a seatbelt extender, don’t install it because it will get stuck! The advantage to the Cosco seat is that the beltpath ia open so you can get your hand in to release the buckle, but the flipside is that there’s nothing cushioning the buckle from your kid’s back.
AwayEmily says
Jumping on this carseat thread to ask — has anyone used a foldable wagon to transport carseats (non-infant) through the airport?
We are flying cross-country this summer (direct flight) and will need to bring or rent two carseats. I’m leaning towards bringing, but these are HEAVY carseats (Britax Marathon and Diono Radian). I don’t really want to pay for Coscos, though I suppose that would make it easier…
AwayEmily says
(we are not planning on bringing the carseats on the plane but I was hoping to gate-check since we won’t be checking any other luggage and I don’t want to wait around at our destination).
Anon says
I’ve used the Go-Go Babyz. It was ok. It worked for two or three trips and then broke, and we didn’t bother to replace it. I’m impressed you’re traveling with two kids and no checked luggage! I always used to be a carry-on only person but it went out the window when I had a baby.
JTM says
Any room in your budget to buy cheaper car seats that are only used for travel? We got an Evenflo that was $40-$50 that is way lighter than our everyday car seat, and we only use it for travel.
Anonymous says
I haven’t done it personally but have seen it recommended as a good strategy! You should be able to gate-check the wagon like a stroller.
Marilla says
Thanks everyone – this is so helpful. I think we’ll check the car seat on the way there and try just buckling her into the seat + then if she’s too wiggly or uncomfortable we’ll try bringing the car seat on board for the return flight. I’m relieved to hear that I can avoid lugging the seat through the airport!
Anonymous says
Reminder that the cosco height/weight limits are very low! The scenera next is 43”/40lb front facing and 40”/40lb rear facing. Regular scenera is less. Signed, mother of an enormous 3 year old who is screwed for travel.
Anon says
If your 3 year old is enormous why can’t they just sit in the airplane seat? Everyone agrees that airplane seatbelts properly restrain a 40 lb child.
Anonymous says
They still need a car seat at the destination, though.
Anonymous says
Not the OP, but I assume it has to do with concerns about checking carseats and having them lost/damaged, which is usually the reasoning for bringing on seats even for big kids.
anon says
How is your relationship with your parents after kids? I have found that mine tend to frustrate me a lot with unsolicited advice / judgments regarding parenting (and other aspects of life too, but parenting is the big one). I also feel that my parents have forgotten how hard it is to have young kids, and tend to: (1) not be very helpful and (2) want to spend more time with us than we have as two working parents with young kids. All of this has put a huge strain on the relationship / has lead to not feeling very connected with them.
Anon says
I appreciate my parents more, but having kids has made me very envious of the amount of time they spend with my sisters kids vs my own. She had the first grandchild and also lives closer (we are only about an hour away, while they’re 15 minutes.) They help her out so much, even going to her house in the morning to do morning prep and daycare drop-off a few days a week. Meanwhile they never even visit us, we have to go to them. It really does feel like sibling rivalry re-emerging, and I’m not proud of it, but I can’t seem to shake it.
anon says
given that your sister lives closer, it definitely makes sense that they are available to help her out more. i too would be quite jealous. do you think they never visit you because when you go visit do you always also see your sister? so in their minds it could be that it makes more sense for you to go to their area than for them to come to you? have you said anything to your parents? do they know that this bothers you? obviously it seems unlikely that they would come over in the morning to do daycare drop off given that they are an hour away, but they might be very willing to come by every other week or once a month. of course if you’ve said something and they don’t understand, that is a different story
Anon says
Thanks. It absolutely makes sense that they’re able to see and help her more. They know I’d like to see them at our house occasionally and they tend to make plans to come and then cancel at the last minute, for various reasons which often are legit, so I understand – but it’s to the point where DH and I joke about it because we know they aren’t actually coming. I get that making an hour-long trip each way versus just stopping by is totally different. And they always feel guilty and apologize (but still never seem to show.)
I think my real frustration has been when we are at their house my sisters kids inevitably come over – which makes some sense, in that we all see each other – but then they completely monopolize the grandparents, where mine is littler and can’t compete for attention the same way.
I’m not saying it’s rational or mature – it isn’t. It really feels like childhood sibling rivalry rearing it’s ugly head, and has caught me off guard.
FVNC says
So, I can relate to your comment about sibling rivalry. My sister and I are BFFs, and our older kids are less than three months apart. It’s 95% awesome. Except, her kid has always been very ahead of the curve — hit all her baby milestones early, eats great, sleeps great, athletic, smart, etc. etc. My kid is the opposite in a lot of ways, which was especially hard when they were babies and mine was behind on all her milestones. My sister has always been pretty good about downplaying the differences, but my mother just gushes about them — and I’m sure it’s coming from a place of being a proud grandma, but it doesn’t always feel that way. When the kids were around 18-24 months, for example, my mother would say things like, “[Niece] has such a huge vocabulary! And oh, the foods she’ll eat! Wow! I’m sure it’s because [super awesome in-home daycare provider] just gives [niece] SO much one-on-one love and attention!” And rather than being happy for my niece, I’d hear judgements about own my kid/parenting: speech delay, terrible diet, and daycare at a large center. I KNOW that wasn’t the intent, but it was hard to hear and made me resentful and weirdly competitive. I don’t have any advice; it’s gotten better with time but it still rears up occasionally. Just wanted to say you’re not alone!
AwayEmily says
Anon and FVNC i feel this so hard. My SIL’s baby is 4 months older than mine, and they also live near my MIL. I was close to tear several times over Christmas because (1) everyone kept comparing the two babies and OF COURSE their 15-month-old was more advanced than my 11-month old and (2) my MIL was so, so doting on the nearby baby (who sees her weekly so did not cry/scream like mine did in her presence…she’d last seen mine when he was 5 months old so of course he didn’t remember her!). When I send her a cute photo of my baby she will respond with a photo of her other grandson. I know it’s not intentional, and she is overall a wonderful mother-in-law but it hurts a lot.
Anon says
Wtf to “When I send her a cute photo of my baby she will respond with a photo of her other grandson.” The other stuff is kind of generic, whatever, she’s closer to the other baby, she sees him way more, it makes sense. But the photo thing is pretty horrible! Of course it hurts.
anon says
i actually don’t think it is immature at all that sometimes when you go to your parents’ house you want to be there without your sister. i actually feel the same way. my sister wants to see her nieces whenever we visit my parents, which is great in theory, except my sister and i are not close and i find it very stressful to be around her to the point where it makes me not want to visit my parents if my sister will be there every time. if you are close with your sister could you say something like, ‘hey, i think it is great that the cousins get to see each other so frequently, but i’d love for my kid to also get some 1:1 time with the grandparents’ or could you say something to your parents?
ruby says
+1 on sibling rivalry. I had my parents’ first grandchild 6 months ago. My sister shows no signs of producing any grandchildren (which is 100% her call, but trying to set the scene). My parents are *extremely* excited about this and I think my sister feels left out. In fact, I think my child’s relationship with my sister is much more important than his relationship with his grandparents because, to be crass, it will be a longer relationship.
Anon says
Bahahah funny you should ask this because I just went on vacation with my parents and 10 month old daughter and I don’t ever want to see them again. They’ve been fairly helpful with the baby when they visit us or we visit them but on the trip they were like “Oh we’re on vacation, we can’t do anything for the baby, you’re her mom, take care of her!” It was a huge struggle to get them to give me 15-20 minutes a day of watching a happy, calm baby so I could do things like eat and pee. They were also SUPER judgy about all my parenting choices. I wanted to put sunscreen on her for even short trips outside (because we were in a tropical place and she’s really pale) and they told me I was being ridiculous (“she’s not a zombie!”) and then of course when she fussed, because she’s a baby and she fusses at many things, they acted like she was vindicating them and proving I was a terrible mother (“How could you do this to her!?! See, now she’s CRYING!”) ….yes, because if a baby fusses you should abandon what you’re doing immediately. I guess I should never change her diaper or wipe her face after she gets food all over it. It was ridiculous. The plane flights solo with the baby were the easiest and most relaxing part of the trip, which kind of says it all. Anyway, I will obviously talk to them again. But the trip was awful and I’m still very frustrated with them.
GCA says
Oof, that is hard. I also had an experience like this when DS was ~8 months – traveled halfway round the world to visit my parents, and then received absolutely zero help and a bunch of judgement and comparison with my sister’s kids (‘my, your baby goes to bed so early’ – well yes. he’s a baby, he’s jetlagged, and he was up at 3am.) It was exhausting and I found that retreating to our airbnb was more relaxing than having to spend the morning at their house. But, it’s gotten better as kiddo gets older. God forbid my dad should ever have to change a diaper or hold a baby – but he’s fantastic with preschooler imaginative play and manages to direct even the most repetitive of preschooler play (trains AGAIN?!) into something magical (yes there’s a train but it’s going under the sea to visit the whales! now it’s a submarine! look out it’s a great white shark, engage jet propulsion full blast!) So perhaps there will be a niche for your parents to play to their strengths later on.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I appreciate my parents so much more now, both for the help that they’re giving us and for a greater understanding of how it must have been for them to balance parenting with working full-time, while not having family around. My parents moved to our area shortly after our first was born, and they’re been very helpful in babysitting so we can have time to ourselves, and now with two, they’ve been coming over a lot more to give us some time to ourselves. My mom is very hands-off in terms of the advice whereas my dad tends to insert his own opinions into certain things, but I try to think of that as the price of admission to getting the free babysitting. Most of the time, they take the kids when they come over, so there’s not a lot of interaction with just us and they definitely don’t expect us to host or entertain them – they willingly come with the intention of giving us a break from the kids.
In contrast, my husband’s parents (separately, as they are divorced) expect my husband and I to interact with them a lot more when they visit or we visit so it’s a little more stressful when we also still have to watch the kids too. Unfortunately for them, due to the distance and this attitude, we’re probably not going to visit much until the kids are older.
I really appreciate being an only child now that I’m an adult as I have my parents all to myself!! We ended up having two so hopefully we can still be there for both when they’re older.
anon says
in some ways i’ve had the opposite experience in that i feel closer to my parents and it gives us something else to talk about, though this is also something unique to my situation in that my parents live a plane ride away and my mom has been experiencing some health issues that make it hard for her to leave the house so face timing with my kids is the highlight of their day. for me the challenge has been that i always anticipated that my mom would easily be able to come fly to visit and help me with my kids, but unfortunately she cannot. i definitely appreciate everything my parents did for us SO much more and have better understanding of how hard certain things must have been for them in raising us. i guess i’m lucky in that generally my parents do not try to offer parenting advice. sometimes they ask questions that are worded in a way almost as if they are offering advice, which can be annoying. they are about to come visit for 10 days, so if you ask me in 2 weeks, i might have a different response…
if your parents are so eager to see you, are there things they could do that would be helpful? baby sit so you could have a date night? come over one night a week or every other week to make dinner?
Anonymous says
I get it. Mine are thankfully not judgey at all, at least to my face. My mom was exceedingly “you do you” with everything newborn – breastfeeding, sleeping issues, etc…so I do appreciate that. My sister and I say though that my parents like the idea of being grandparents more than actually being grandparents. They’re in their late 60s so kids tend to tire them out, and they definitely have a bit of amnesia about what having a baby is like. They have helped out a lot when we’ve been in pinches or had emergencies so that’s nice.
One thing that’s been hard for me to emotionally process is how my parents treated us as kids. They yelled and spanked a lot, and my siblings got it worse than I did. Now that I have a child I can’t imagine treating my child/children that way.
DLC says
I feel like I’ve always been frustrated by my parent’s unsolicited advice, but even so I appreciate them more now that I have kids. They have really stepped up to help with childcare in such an invaluable way that when I feel that feeling of teenage resentment rising up, I take a deep breath and smile and say, “Ok, thanks.” Rather than pout and whine, which is what my very mature reaction to their lectures used to be.
one thing that helps a lot for me is to remind myself that they are coming from a place of love- they love me and their grandchildren. They just want what is best and they share what they think is best. my parents tend to be very good at repecting boundaries – so even if they give suggestions/opinions, they would never dictate or imply that I’m failing as a parent because I don’t follow their advice.
My husband’s parents were very silently judgemental. They both passed away recently and I think often how, even silently judgemental would be ok with me if they were still here.
BabyMom says
My relationship with my parents hasn’t really changed at all. My mom is severely disabled (traumatic brain injury), so she can’t interact with the kids or talk to me. My dad works and takes care of my mom, plus he was working when my brothers/sisters and I were little, so it’s not like he has strong opinions or experience around parenting young kids. They don’t help at all with childcare, but my kids are in daycare most of the week, so I like to see them on nights/weekends anyway. (My kids are 1.5 years old and 6 months, so kind of a handful for someone whose not used to it.). I talk with my dad/see my parents pretty frequently, but we talk about business, local news, how ridiculous other family members are, etc., not really about the kids, so no big change from pre-kids. It’s actually kind of refreshing since the kids are all everyone else ever wants to talk about.
anon says
hugs to you and your family for having a mom with a TBI. i’m sure that must be so so hard
anon says
My oldest is going to start kindergarten this fall and I am getting sentimental. It feels like this is my last time to have unstructured school-free time with her. So, I am considering taking a month off in the summer before K starts and hanging out with her. I have lots of leave and my employer would be supportive. I would still take the little one to daycare and maybe send the older one to a half day camp for a week or something. Is this crazy?! I am not sure what we would do everyday…but we’ll figure it out?
ElisaR says
i think that’s a very sweet idea and a good use of your flexible situation. Do you have a local pool? I would do that. We live near the beach so I would do that too.
Anon says
I think that would be wonderful! My kids are younger so I don’t have a ton of specific activity suggestions, but I definitely think it’s a great idea.
FVNC says
Not crazy, do it! I took about a week off with my daughter before she started kindergarten last August and it was a very sweet time. We spent lots of time at the pool, and I just generally spoiled her. There are so few times when the kids don’t have to be on a schedule, I think it felt really special to both of us.
Anonymous says
Sounds great!! Pool, picnics, playground, nature centers, library activities, museums! Go out to lunch! Sprinkler in the backyard. Maybe back to school shopping if she’s into clothes/shoes. Day trip to a state park. Pick your own fruit in the summer! All the stuff that occurs during the week you can’t normally take her to.
rosie says
Mine is younger, but another vote for not crazy, do it! I feel like the answer to “should I take this time off to spend time with my kid, it will make me feel good” is always yes (resources permitting). I think this is a great idea.
DLC says
I don’t work during the summer and i like that it gives me the flexibility of being choosy about if I want to send my daughter (7yrs old) to camp- I can send her to a really focused three week camp rather than a summer long camp that, while fun, is pretty much child care. it also gives us some nice one on one time, which has been lacking since her brother was born two years ago. The one thing I have to be careful of, though, is letting life tasks take over my free time- there were definitely days when she played by herself while I filled out forms or paid bills, or days where we just ran errands which were no fun for her and she complained. Which, there is nothing wrong with having time to yourself, but I found if I didn’t plan specific activities, I would spend the day puttering around inefficiently. I guess it is a balance- I don’t want to spend all my time and energy thinking about how to entertain my kid, but at the same time I need to plan enough to feel organized.
We went to the pool a lot, went to the beach, spent time at parks and libraries, baked, made artful messes, read books, went to museums, volunteered at the diaper bank, had play dates…
This year, I hope to take my daughter on an international trip with my parents.
Anonymous says
My oldest is going to kindergarten this fall too. I was home with her last summer because of maternity leave. We:
Did midday day tripsinto our nearby city
Did midweek overnight beach trips
Drove to/from the beach
Went to the playground in the AM and picnic’d, went to the playground with the splash park
Went out for ice cream
We belong to a pool and went 2-3x/week, sometimes twice in one day
Did midweek visits to grandparents who live 3+ hours away
Learned to ride a bike w/put training wheels then went on bike rides
Played outside in the sprinkler
Had daytime midweek play dates (could be good to organize meetups with her future classmates once the lists come out)
Essentially, it was a long weekend all summer long. She did a couple weeks of day camp 9-1 and we went on 2 1-week family vacations as well. Summer flew by.
FWIW, if you can’t make it happen, kindergartners get summer off too :-)
Anonymous says
Won’t you have unstructured time any summer?
Notsure says
A couple of things that I need advice on. Want to thank you lovely ladies in advance. I find this resource invaluable!! We have gone back and forth about having another child – for infertility reasons and mental health history the conclusion is no to another child. I find everywhere I turn that another person I know it pregnant sometimes I feel jealous and sometimes glad it’s not me. Our 2 year old son will most likely be an only child. I am fixated on the fact that I think he will be spoiled and not know how to interact, play with others well. He goes to daycare 2 days a week and is with my mother in law 3 days a week and they go to activities on those days. I am also married to an only child who thinks being an old child is great. Can anyone help me with either their personal experience or resources? Thank you!
Anon says
Only child and mom of only child here, and I think it’s kind of offensive to assume only children are spoiled or don’t know how to interact with others. It’s a stereotype, but that doesn’t make it true – there are lots of hurtful stereotypes out there that aren’t very grounded in fact. Would you say this directly to a close friend who is or has an only child? I really hope not. Do you have any particular reason for believing this stereotype? Presumably you think your husband is great, or you wouldn’t have married him. If your son goes to daycare, even part-time, he’s getting plenty of interaction with other kids. It’s not something that I’d even worry about one tiny bit.
I will say, and this is obvious anecdata, not science, but the happiest only children I know are children whose parents felt their families were complete with one. I absolutely loved my childhood and am close to my parents, because my parents always made it clear that they wanted one kid and thought our family was perfect. My best friend is an only child not by choice (infertility) and her upbringing was very different. She picked up on the fact that her parents didn’t feel the family was complete and it devastated her. To this day she believes being an only child is a fate worse than death. She has 3 kids and is trying for a fourth because she wants her kids to have the opposite of her childhood. So I think if you’re not 100% sure you’re done, then it’s something to continue considering. There are ways to add to your family that don’t involve a second biological child. Or if you’re sure you can’t have another child for reasons beyond your control, then I would do your best not to communicate any ambivalence about that fact to your child. If you think having an only child is great, he will think being an only child is great. If he picks up on your doubts, he will likely have some sadness and confusion about it.
ElisaR says
gently — I don’t think Notsure was trying to perpetuate hurtful stereotypes. Her post isn’t intended to offend you, it’s to try to help her through a big decision.
Anon says
There’s nothing wrong with asking for advice about the decision and many people want more than one kid. But saying you think your child will be spoiled and not know how to interact with others solely because he’s an only child actually is pretty offensive. Even if you don’t see it, she is perpetuating a hurtful (and widely debunked) stereotype. There’s no more evidence that an only child will be spoiled than there is that a red-headed kid will be good at sports.
Anon says
I read it as her asking for reassurance that the stereotype is just that. I didn’t think this was offensive, and certainly not intended to offend.
rosie says
She said she is fixated on this thought that that will happen. As Anon@1:17 says, she was asking for assurance that the stereotype is just that and for anecdata (or pointing out that there is no actual data!) showing otherwise. Look, I am sure OP knows this is a stereotype, but not being able to make the reproductive choices you want or always thought you would want is a really hard position to be in.
Cb says
I’m an only and mom of an only and it’s great! My parents knew they had the financial and emotional capacity for one and while my childhood wasn’t luxurious, I got lots of time, attention, and love.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I mentioned above that I love being an only child now that I’m an adult. I have my parents all to myself to help with my kids. My husband is truly my best friend, and I have several other close friends (a lot of whom happen to also be only children) so I don’t feel like I’m missing a close relationship that I may or may not have had with siblings. Your son will learn to play with others at daycare and school and there is no guarantee that he would have a close relationship with siblings anyway – I know lots of people who are close to their siblings and lots who are not (including my husband).
From my personal experience and from several other only children I know, we tend to grow up and be independent more quickly as we spend a lot of time around adults doing adult things.
CPA Lady says
Read “One and Only” by Lauren Sandler. That should help you work through your ideas of what only children are like. It really helped me embrace having an only.
Also, consider, have you ever met someone who has a sibling who is selfish, spoiled, awkward, or any of the other negative qualities you associate with only children? I know plenty of people with siblings who are selfish, spoiled, awkward, etc (myself included!). I bet you do too– you just aren’t used to associating their negative qualities with the fact that they have siblings, because having siblings is the norm. A selfish jerk with siblings just gets to be a selfish jerk in his or her own right. No one ever says “well, of course Brad is a selfish a-hole. He has a sibling! He always had to fight for his parent’s time and affection, so obviously he turned out selfish.” But an only child who is a selfish jerk all of a sudden becomes the representative of an entire group, something to hold up and point at as a cautionary tale. “Of course Emma is a selfish jerk! She never had to share her parent’s attention!”
There are selfish onlies and selfish siblings. There are generous onlies and generous siblings. It has a lot more to do with your child’s personality and your parenting style than whether or not they have siblings. Do you emphasize and model kindness and generosity to others? Or do you spoil your kid and treat service workers like garbage in front of them?
I’m not going to lie– there are definitely some factors to consider and mitigate when having an only child. It’s different from having multiple kids, and you may end up making different decisions because of it. I am saving more aggressively for retirement, and would not move to a rural area where having play dates for my kid would be difficult, for example. But it is over all really great, OP! I love it. My kid does too. And your child is going to be just fine.
Boston Legal Eagle says
+1 all of this as well.
Also, I’m totally going to use this to describe my BILs: “well, of course Brad is a selfish a-hole. He has a sibling! He always had to fight for his parent’s time and affection, so obviously he turned out selfish.”
Anon says
This is completely anecdotal, but my friends who are closest with their parents in adulthood are only children. They have more friendship-based relationships now, and I sometimes wonder if being the only has something to do with that. None of them are remotely spoiled or self-centered. I know everyone’s different but the stereotype is just a stereotype, IME.
(Also, this is so far removed from reality I’m sure, but watching Gilmore Girls always makes me wish I was an only child, ha.)
anon says
i have a sister who i do not really get along with and made my life more difficult and childhood and unpleasant and i always wanted to be an only. DH and I were leaning towards one, but instead we got twins, so hopefully they like having a sibling more than i did!
Lana Del Raygun says
Reality check, please: how weird/rude is it that my MIL refers to my kid as hers? Not like trying to pass her off as her own, just things like “please send some pictures of my little girl.” Is this a normal display of affection or an overreach? They have the same name and I’m worried she thinks that gives her some kind of special “rights.”
Anon says
Unless your MIL is otherwise rude or overbearing, I think this is completely normal. My MIL occasionally says things like “I can’t wait to see my girl!” and I think it’s really sweet.
ElisaR says
i think this is normal… she is her little granddaughter which is kind of like her little girl.
Anon says
Normal, IMO.
Anon says
Taking that comment at face value, without knowing any sort of context about your relationship, I think it is totally normal and fine. She is “hers” in that she’s her granddaughter. My sister calls my son her baby and my son refers to having two mommies :) More people to love and care about them is a good thing.
rosie says
I find this harmless, as long as it’s not a symptom of other boundary issues. People at my office who met my kid once used to say this (“how’s my girl doing these days”). I think it’s just a turn of phrase.
rosie says
And I don’t think that having the same name + this phrasing, if that’s all that is going on, are problematic. Contradicting your parenting, saying things like “let’s do this and hide it from mommy,” etc. would indicate a bigger boundary issue, IMO.
Lana Del Raygun says
She’s definitely not that boundary-crossing! But a little, yeah. Basically she doesn’t respect a soft no and I have to get more comfortable giving a hard no from the start. But I’ve heard so many in-law horror stories I’m totally paranoid haha.
Anon in NYC says
My MIL does these sorts of things too and I find it a little off-putting but ultimately harmless and petty of me to nitpick about to my husband (I nitpick about plenty already!). I guess I just don’t appreciate the assertion of (what I perceive to be) ownership over my kid. My mom and dad don’t do that.
NYCer says
I don’t find that type of comment weird or rude.
Anonymous says
I think it’s normal. My MIL isn’t like that, but my mom is. I basically ceased to exist once I birthed a grandchild for her. She now goes “to Kiddo’s house” and to our “Town to visit Kiddo”. She’s cool and we have a good relationship, so we joke about it. But she’s not really joking if you know what I mean ;)
anon says
Normal affection. But, get better at the hard no (easier said than done, I know!). It will make life easier for both of you :).
GCA says
Funny for today: I looked in the family Google calendar today and there was a note that said ‘DS playdate with B (his daycare BFF)’. No one had apprised me of this fact. I texted my husband; it turned out that kiddo had arranged this playdate directly with B’s mom at daycare pickup. Husband, seeing no calendar conflicts, had put it in our calendar for him. I’m so tickled by the fact that my child now arranges his own playdates. (B’s parents are neighbors & good friends of ours, and we often do casual after-daycare playdates that last through dinner, with dinner being something easy like takeout or pasta and salad.)
AnotherAnon says
Your kid sounds awesome; how old is he? Also, your husband sounds awesome for putting it in the calendar for him (aka running with it) instead of running it by you/dropping it in your lap to handle. #goals
GCA says
Thanks! He’ll be 4 in the spring, and he is indeed delightful, but I can take no credit for it :) Hubs is pretty used to splitting the family logistics equally.
FVNC says
Aw, what a sweet story! Agree your kid sounds great.
Anon says
My daughter is turning 1 next week. She doesn’t say any identifiable words and I’m not sure her receptive language is where it should be. If we ask her to clap or wave she does one or the other, but she hasn’t consistently sorted out which is which. She doesn’t seem to know any other commands and doesn’t consistently look at the appropriate person if we say “Where’s mom? where’s the dog?” etc. She can make a pointing shape with her hand, but doesn’t seem to be using it to communicate. Sometimes she shakes her head no when it seems appropriate (eg. I feed her something, she makes a face and I say something like “oh you dont like this?” and then she shakes no) but I’m not sure if she’s really responding to what I’m saying. Is this normal? I have no close friends or family with kids so I have a hard time knowing what’s in the normal range and what might be concerning.
Anon says
Super normal. She knows that clap and wave are actions she can take with her hands. She can shake her head no when she does not like the food (I promise she IS responding to what you are saying when you ask that!). It’s totally normal to not have any identifiable words at 12 months. I have a 14 month old that says dada and mama but is really just babbling, not actually referring to us by our names. The only other word he says is “ball,” but he just screams with great excitement BAAAAAA anytime something round is in the room. He’s my second– my oldest was also at about this level at this time. Anyway, anecdata from me, but it sounds totally normal to me.
Anonymous says
+1
SC says
My kid had similar verbal skills at that age. Our pediatrician wasn’t too concerned, but we did find out later that he couldn’t hear well at all. (He had fluid in his ears and needed tubes, but the major indicator pediatricians use is ear infections, and he only got ear infections after he started daycare at 16 months.) Anyways, I’d get your kid’s hearing tested at her 1-year doctor’s appointment, just in case. FWIW, it became more apparent that my kid was behind verbally as he approached 2. It caused him a lot of frustration at the time. But after he had tubes put in at 22 months, his hearing was fine, and his verbal skills caught up with his peers by 3.5.
Anonymous says
Normal, but keep an eye and talk to your pedi. The spectrum of normal is extreme. I have 3 girls. One was a chatterbox of babble, a few words, and with lots of receptive language at 1. My second was speaking in clear sentences (this is not typical). My third was less chatty but had a decent amount of receptive language at 1, then had a language explosion at 15 months.
All of my kids tended toward the more Harry spectrum, so I got a lot of moms looking at them and then wondering if their kids were normal. Just like some kids walk at 10 months (2/3 mine were walking at 10-11 mos) and others walk at 16 months.
FWIW they are all 2+ now and are completely average in terms of intellligence, motor skills, etc. so it’s not like early talking/walking is a recipe for brilliant above average kids :-).
Anonymous says
Ugh my dad told someone I went to high school with about my pregnancy before I announced to most people (he ran into her at the gym??). Should I quick text my close friends before she posts on Facebook?
Anon says
I seem to be stuck in m0d and I’m not sure what word did it, so rephrasing and hoping this gets through. My almost 12 month old (turning 1 next week) has no expressive language and pretty minimal (I think) receptive language. She will clap or wave if we say one of those words, but it isn’t consistent which one she’ll do (she sometimes waves when we say clap, etc). She doesn’t consistently look at the right object when we say “Where’s __?” She doesn’t seem to point for communication. She sometimes makes a “no” gesture with her head, but I’m not sure she’s using it to mean “no.” I have no experience with other babies so no benchmark for whether this is just slower than average or something to worry about.
Anonymous says
What did the pediatrician say at her 12 month check up? Does she respond to her name? Does she engage with you in eye contact when she’s playing with a new toy or object? My ped wasn’t concerned about having words so much as her engaging me non-verbally, which she could see within about 2 mins of her well visit. I would not worry about her being inconsistent about identifying objects – my 22 month old is still learning the names of things. If you’re worried about ASD there are some videos online of what a neurotypical child does/how they play at 12-14 months, versus a non-neurotypical child. Some of the stuff is obvious (not responding to name ever) while other stuff is hard to catch. Really only a professional can advise you on this.