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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anonymous says
Anyone here from Georgia with school-aged kids? I think you all go back first of any area I know of. How is it going with masks, COVID, etc? I really want the 5-11 group to get approved for COVID shots yesterday.
AnonATL says
I don’t have school-aged kids, but it’s a mess in my suburb. Seems like more of the districts are starting to impose mask mandates after starting without them.
GCA says
No, but I have a friend who is there with a first-grader and her anguish and anxiety are palpable. The positive test rate is three or four times what it is here in MA, so if my anxiety and rage about sending a first-grader in is bad (our school board actually chickened out of a vote so last year’s mask requirement holds!), hers is through the roof. This will make me sound terrible, but once younger kids are able to be fully vaccinated, my compassion for vaccine-eligible holdouts is dead.
KH says
Saaaaaaame re: younger kid vaccinations
Anonymous says
My compassion for vaccine-eligible holdouts is already dead, in part because young kids can’t be vaccinated.
Anon says
Parts of FL and TX started last week. My kids are in preschool (masked) and last year the school never had to shut down due to covid. Well, one kid tested positive after the first day of school so that class is now home for 14 days. The risk calculating is exhausting- it feels like for everything we do, is this worth possibly getting covid, is this worth my kids being out of school for two weeks. I understand that everyone wishes life was back to normal, but now that we know vaccinated people can spread covid (and yes, it happens- my vaccinated colleague shared a beach house with her vaccinated family and has been out of work for a week with covid), it’s almost back to life pre vaccine.
Anon says
My best friend lives in Florida. She found an outdoor hippie private school for her kids, but the public schools opened with no mitigation whatsoever. The middle school already shut down, and classes in the elementary schools are being quarantined left and right because people are sending their sick kids to class and no one is wearing masks.
Mrs. Jones says
Yes. My 5th grader started in person 2+ weeks ago. Masks are mandatory. They eat outside. Another grade had to quarantine already; I don’t know the details of the exposure. I cannot WAIT for vaccines for the kids.
anon. says
I’m not in Georgia – Louisiana. It is NOT going well! Our school (prek-6) has a 100% vaccination among adults, and all kids 4+ are masked. A teacher (vaccinated) in one class of under-4s got it and the entire class is quarantined for 14 days. Meanwhile 3 kids in the class (all 1 and 2 years old) contracted it. Note: When someone got it last year, it never spread within the classrooms – even once, let alone to 3 kids. I’m not a scientist but anecdotally this is something very different and this year is going to be really really hard.
SC says
Also in Louisiana. I agree that things are very different this year. My son had a direct exposure at camp on July 23rd and had to quarantine for a week. Then, on the first day of school, August 6th, his classroom had an exposure, and all the kids who were there had to quarantine for a week! (My son and one other kid missed the first day and were the only children in person that week.) We made it through all of camp last summer and all of last school year, in person, with no quarantine or shut-downs. I anticipate a lot more back and forth this fall.
I’m thankful for the governor’s mask mandate, at least, and that BESE shut down its hearing since the anti-maskers got too rowdy, effectively leaving the school mask mandate in place until at least October.
anon says
Thanks for asking. I am curious too
I just read this article and it is so scary.
https://www.forbes.com/sites/alisonescalante/2021/08/17/what-parents-need-to-know-about-long-covid-in-children/?sh=6cf0ec608ec5
Ugh says
I really wish I hadn’t read that since it feels like there is nothing I can do about it at this point.
Anonymous says
Not in GA, but in the SEUS (red county, blue-ish state). Kid starts in-person school in two weeks (masks required but will not be enforced) and is back to masked indoor sports practice (again with lax enforcement). I just got my first call to have her tested for exposure. My guess is that we will be doing this about every two weeks.
Anonymous says
We had one kid come down with the sniffles and when she spiked a fever I tried to go and get her tested and could only find a spot in time to get her results before school starts at a place charging $200 for it (and with flex spending card in hand, I was glad to find the spot). Previously when we’ve needed to test we could get appointments same-day at spots at the urgent care that took our insurance. Now, I am trying to find some at-home tests b/c the drug stores near us (SEUS) are sold out.
CPA Lady says
I live in a different southern state and we went back about a week and a half ago. Our school district has a website you can go to and see the number of teachers and students who are currently in quarantine. So far about 5% of the students in the school district are in quarantine– of those, 10% are covid positive and the other 90% are close contacts.
As far as masks go, the school board mandated masks for teachers and strongly suggests them for students, but student masking rates vary widely by school. Most of the kids at my kid’s school are wearing masks, including every kid in her class. In more rural areas of the school district, mask wearing is a lot lower, maybe half the kids are wearing masks. As far as vaccinations go, about 70% of teachers are vaccinated and about 40% of 12-18 year old students.
I’m very curious to see what happens if cases keep increasing. Currently there is not a virtual option, and I am not thinking we’ll go fully virtual, pretty much no matter what happens. Right now the plan is that they send home a packet of work if your kid is in quarantine, and as long as they do the packet, they get counted as present. No zooms or anything, thankfully.
Day camps and daycares in the area have had a lot of closures too. We ended the summer with multiple outbreaks at various day camps, some of which ended up closing for the summer early. My kid’s old daycare has had multiple waves of classroom closures over the last month or so.
HSAL says
Indiana (at least central) started back in late July/early August. My district initially required masks for elementary, optional for middle/high school if you were vaccinated, but switched to masks for everyone after a couple weeks. My daughter is in K and we haven’t heard of any cases in the school yet, but the middle school and high school have had a few cases. One of the suburbs was totally mask-optional and after 4 weeks of school about 700 of the 10K kids in the district were under quarantine. Most of the area schools that were mask-optional have switched to required for everyone, and I’m so glad that our governor isn’t being the a$$hat like some GOP govs.
Anon says
Operation Baby #2 is officially underway. Having lots of mixed feelings about this especially with a 13mo terrorizing our house. We had a relatively easy time conceiving #1, but my cycle seems wildly different now. I definitely do want a second and pretty close in age (less than 3 years).
Anyone want to share some positive sibling stories or thoughts on how your life changed after a second kid?
anon says
I’m not going to lie, my older kid reacted very poorly when we brought the baby home. She actually loved the baby and my DH, but was furious with me. It’s like she viewed me as the cheating spouse.
That lasted a few months, but eventually got better. Now, at 5 and 7.5 yo, they’re the best of friends. It’s an amazing relationship and very, very sweet.
Anonymous says
I find this funny because one reason I didn’t want to have a second child was that it felt like cheating on my first!
AnonIVF says
I plan to have a second (and possibly a third) child, but also identify with this statement! It’s so hard to imagine not being able to devote all of my time to my first baby.
Pogo says
Mine was always very excited about the baby, but still gets frustrated when I have to nurse the baby – especially now that he’s older and gets distracted, so I need total silence for nursing. Try to keep as much of your routine the same as possible (sending big sibling to daycare, if mommy does bath, try to do bath if you can, etc) while having others step up in the month leading up to birth so that older sibling is used to you not being able to be available always.
Older brother is very cute when he wants to help – like if he wakes up and hears the baby crying, he goes in to “check on him” and he’ll hold his little hand through the crib. It’s very sweet.
Katala says
My first two are 20 months apart. Older DS never got jealous, he hardly noticed his brother until he was several months old and more interactive. It was great although certainly an adjustment to go from one to two. Now they are 4 and 6 and BFFs. This weekend ODS said “well,I think my brother is my best friend “. We are so happy now that we had them close in age and the most difficult part passed relatively quickly. Enough so that we’re seriously considering giving our 2 month old a sibling close to her age.
Anonymous says
Err…1 to 2 was a HUGE transition. First kid was a super easy baby except not a great sleeper. But otherwise she was an accessory. Second kid was a HARD baby with horrible reflux but a good sleeper. The adjustment was really stressful and hard psychologically on me and DH. They are 2yrs4months apart. But now they’re 2 and almost 4.5 and it’s mostly fun but sometimes still a lot. Someone here said “1 kid is an accessory, 2 is a lifestyle” and that’s very true. DH and I still get a bit of time to do our own thing but not a lot.
I love being a mom and I love both my kids and we have a lot of fun. I actually LIKE babies. My advice is to call in all the help you can and take time to bond with the newborn. Let yourself physically heal the first 4 weeks (I overdid it and got serious mastitis). Don’t feel bad about screen time when you’re in survival mode. Being pregnant with a toddler was a lot easier than I anticipated.
OP says
I’m curious about whether we will fall into struggling with the first born or the transition to two more. First born was a just fine baby, not especially bad or good. It was such a shock to my system and identity probably mixed with a bit of undiagnosed ppd.
I’m sure in like 3-5 years I’ll look back and be grateful for it. It’s a little terrifying now.
Anonymous says
Yes we thought that we would be “0 to 1 kid was harder” people but that wasn’t the case! I don’t say this to scare you off, we’re very happy our kids have a sibling, especially during a pandemic. They’re very cute when they hug and they’re clearly attached to each other. I know a lot of people who were not shook by adding the second. Our 2nd is just a total firecracker from day 1, so that’s more of an individual personality thing.
Anon Lawyer says
Who are these people for whom 1 kid is an accessory? I just find it hard to fathom. My toddler ain’t sitting politely at happy hour or sleeping in till 9 on Sunday then sitting pretty in my arms at brunch. It just seems like another way women can never win.
avocado says
Yeah, I don’t think it’s fair to characterize an only child as an accessory. After about 6 months my kid was super portable and low-maintenance and we could tote her pretty much anywhere, but there were still the constant day care illnesses, then the after-school and summer child care hassles, the endless hits to my career, etc. etc. etc. Even in high school, her school and activity schedules rule the entire household. I won’t be able to have dinner at a normal hour or buy season tickets to anything or use PTO for my own purposes until she goes off to college. Parenthood is a lifestyle no matter how many kids you have. One kid might be a different lifestyle than two or three or four, but it’s not the same as being childless.
Anon says
My toddler is a really easy kid. He slept through the night before my maternity leave ended, is a happy camper at 8 pm dinners in restaurants, and mostly behaves himself during church.
This has 0% to do with my mothering abilities and everything to do with his disposition. He is very much like my husband, who is one of the most mellow and pleasant people around.
EDAnon says
My oldest just turned five (younger one is about to be 3) and it’s wonderful! It’s a huge step forward in their relationship every six months. But they LOVE each other.
We read a book about a new baby almost daily once I told him I was pregnant. That helped a lot. I don’t remember what it was called (and gave it away) but it was all about how things change but we still love you. He loved it and it made a difference. He was thrilled when baby brother came home!
Coach Laura says
My girl and boy are 23 months apart and – while being wildly different in personality – played together all the time until age 12 or so. Now adults, each describes the other has his/her best friend. Enjoy the journey!
Preganon says
I’m 33 weeks pregnant and have been stuck in an anxiety spiral – I just requested an Rx for Lexapro, which I took for PPA last time around. Anyone else been there? I’m nervous about it (and have avoided it because I’ve had some weight-related side effects that drive me bonkers in the past), but I also felt like I just need to help to get past this point. Also hoping it might stave of PPA this time…
Anonymous says
Being fat is way better than suffering from anxiety!
AnonIVF says
I haven’t been there, but I’m so proud of you for taking such great care of yourself!
Anonymous says
I have been there, with really awful PPA after baby #2, and Lexapro was life-changing. I did gain weight, but it was 100% worth it. I felt like an entirely new person. You can do this!
Anon says
Please take the Lexapro. You can lose weight after giving birth; you cannot get back the part of your life that is eaten by depression or anxiety. As someone who suffered from perinatal depression, I’m also going to suggest that if you’re suffering badly enough at week 33 to contemplate Lexapro, you need it more than you think. Not a doctor, just been there.
Anonanonanon says
My kid’s school bus was an hour late this morning. Actually, it pulled up on time, opened its door, didn’t let any kids on but said another would come, and drove away. Took an hour and several phone calls for one to come.
All of that to say, I was heartened by the fact that when it came, all of the parents just shouted “Thank you!” to the driver who came. Of course, it wasn’t her fault, but that usually doesn’t stop people from being rude or taking their frustration out on an innocent person. I found it to be an oddly encouraging start to my day!
Curious says
Thank you for sharing this :). That’s a lovely hopeful story.
anon says
How do you know when normal tantrums have crossed over to abnormal? My 5 year old has been having some major meltdowns–over 15 minutes of screaming, slamming doors, and just pure unfettered rage. It’s very hard to calm her down, and even once we do, she continues to act out by being intentionally rude, glaring at us, sticking out her tongue, etc. It’s been very rough to deal with but we try to be calm, give her space when she needs it, be clear and firm, but honestly, sometimes she just pushes us over the edge and it’s hard to not react badly. I know she’s going through a lot–just started K last week, super hot outside with heat advisories so we have limited outdoors time, can’t go anywhere indoors due to covid, competing for attention with her toddler brother–but man, we are struggling. And there are many times when these tantrums happen where it’s not really an option to just stop everything and focus on her–evening hour when we are trying to get through dinner, baths, and bedtime, or mornings when we are trying to get out the door. I feel like we are not being the parents she needs but I really don’t know what to do. Help?
Anonymous says
I’d push back on can’t go anywhere inside due to Covid. Kids are not high risk, and to me it sounds like your child is crying out for more activity. Gymnastics? Karate? Something rough and tumble a bit to get energy out.
I’d also ignore the rudeness entirely. Honestly who cares if she sticks her tongue out at you or glares? It’s not violent! She’s a little kid struggling with big feelings and I think you can and should let that one go for a little while.
I’d also talk to her pediatrician about a good resource for parenting skills classes or therapy- me and my spouse did a course and loved it. I felt like we just got a lot more tools and very much got on the same page.
Anon says
honestly, with going inside it depends on where you live. i live in Houston and the ICUs are full again, including the pediatric one. masks are not required most places. and most local docs would say that kids really shouldn’t be indoors without everyone in masks
TheElms says
You don’t know where prior poster lives. Covid rates in her area could make indoor activities not worth the added risk.
Anonymous says
Sure they could. Which is why this is all just a suggestion she’s totes free to disregard. But I’m not going to pretend that doing something active inside might be a good idea.
Anon says
almost every pediatrician where I live would say this is a horrendous idea
Anonymous says
Ok! In my area every parent I know has their kid in indoor activities. Which is why I suggested it.
Anonymous says
Adding indoor activities is probably the very last thing this kid needs if she’s overwhelmed due to the start of kindergarten. Have her run around outside in the early morning when it’s cool before the bus comes.
Anon says
My kiddo’s pediatrician has not suggested any curtailment of indoor or outdoor activities, and he has three school-aged children of his own.
OP says
Respectfully, I think I know what is best for my child in considering risk. I live in a hotspot where our children’s hospital is currently full, as are other ICUs. My son’s daycare just closed his class and now our schedules are a mess as my husband and I try to take care of a 1.5 yo and work full time.
Anonymous says
Ok you literally asked for advice though! Sorry you won’t always get only exactly what you want to hear.
Anonymous says
Absolutely no to indoor activities, unless you never want your kid to go to school. If your child is exposed at gymnastics, you will have to keep her home for several days and then get a negative test before sending her back to school. Even if you don’t care whether she gets sick, indoor transmission is happening at a much greater rate with the Delta variant and will absolutely lead to repeated quarantine this fall.
Anonymous says
She just started K. It’s a classically rough transition. Solid snack as soon as she gets home. Cook her favorite foods for a week, let her veg out with some tv after K and before supper. Keep the dinner and bath routine simple. If she needs indoor activity at home the cosmic kids yoga videos on YouTube are great.
It’s like your first week at college. Fun but completely overwhelming and exhausting. Anecdotally the K adjustment takes at least a month.
anon says
Yes, this. Kindergarteners are just a bit of a hot mess for a while, even those who have been in daycare programs. They are “on” all day and are completely overstimulated. Address the worst behaviors, but give her lots of grace for the small stuff. In contrast to the above poster, I would scale back on the activities and allow lots of time to relax and play.
So Anon says
Agree with all of this. Starting K is a huge transition during “normal” times, but these are not normal times. Go easy on her and on yourself. You are being the parent she needs – you see her struggling with the transition and are trying to help. There are no magic words or order of operations that you are missing. She is actively changing and growing, and that is tough. You will be the lightening rod for all that change and big feels. Keep everything else simple for a while and know that the transition phase will pass, just not nearly fast enough for the ones who are the receiving end of the angst.
My older kiddos struggle during the first few weeks back to school. My approach is big snacks upon walking through the door, their favorite foods for dinner and long relaxing baths.
OP says
Thank you. I really appreciate this kind and compassionate response. I know you are right, but sometimes its nice to hear, especially from another parent. I don’t have many close parent friends and I appreciate the support posters like you provide.
anon says
More food, sleep and downtime are necessary for a new kindergartener. They are exhausted little people those first few months. It slowly gets better, but for my young-for-grade kindergartener, we didn’t see big improvement until January.
Go easy on her. Skip or drop any activities that you can. Earlier bedtimes. Quiet time reading stories. Free play.
anon says
One thing that helped my kid was to build a fort/play tent in a quiet place so she could set it up as a private place where she could decompress after school. It should just be for her–no younger sibling access. She filled it with her lovies and favorite things.
Anonymous says
This is a great idea!
OP says
Love this, thank you for the idea!
Anonanonanon says
Is she doing this at school? If not, it’s a pita but totally normal for the Kindergarten adjustment and this too shall pass.
AwayEmily says
Not the OP but I’m following these closely — thanks! Mine starts K in two weeks and I’m fully anticipating entering Meltdown City soon after. I’m planning to set up a corner for her with some audiobooks/coloring for after-school relaxation and put her to bed early each night.
Pogo says
I would reconsider whether you absolutely can’t take a few minutes of calm focus time either in the morning or at night (hear me out). Our spirited 4yo has had similar struggles during times of transition, and what I realized was that 5 minutes of focused time reading him a book and letting him snuggle on my lap was better than a 20 minute delay due to a serious tantrum (specifically around refusal to get dressed or get in the car – when we switched into survival mode just to get out of the house). The key is to do it when you see a meltdown building or kiddo getting off task/rambunctious.
OP says
I get that but sometimes it really seems impossible. last night I was trying to get 5 yo and 1.5 yo into the bath while my husband made dinner. I had given her a heads up that it was bath time soon, let her finish what she was doing, etc. But then she just refused to take a bath and had an epic meltdown. I couldn’t leave 1.5 yo (and he really needed that bath!), husband was in the middle of dinner, there just really wasn’t a way to focus only on her at that exact moment. We tried to make up for it later but each spending one on one time with her before bed but that didn’t help us in the tantrum moment. I guess husband could have stopped making dinner but then we wouldn’t have had dinner, so . . .
Anonymous says
Sometimes you do need to stop or pause making dinner, at least for a few minutes. We have three and a toddler Tula was clutch at that age. I made dinner with a toddler on my back at least 3/7 nights a week and it was sanity saving. Or toddler can go in highchair for a few minutes with DH while K kid gets some one on one bathtime. Sometimes 5-10 mins of undivided attention can hold off or de-escalate a meltdown.
I’m not saying this to criticize but just to note that you likely have at least a couple more weeks of this with the K adjustment so brainstorming different strategies in advance that work for your family can help figure out what to do in the moment. DH and I either ate with the kids (most nights) or cooked and ate after they were in bed at that age.
Pogo says
I know. I’m with you. It’s really hard. Just wanted to offer since I was very much like… I cannot possibly take any time to have “calm down 1:1 time” with my kid during the heat of transitions, but when I realized that it could actually mean LESS delay over all, I started trying it. You really do have to catch it before meltdown, though – so in this case, before you got the 1.5yo in bath and your hands were tied. In this scenario I keep the 1yo in his high chair and try to give the 4yo focused attention for the last few mins before bath – WITH a timer. So “we have five mins before bath, what do you need to do so we can be ready in 5 mins”.
Anonymous says
Ohh helloooo twin! I will read intently with advice because my 5 year old had a 30 minute meltdown right before bed last night that ended with me putting her in the car and driving her around until she calmed down because we are on vacation in a small seaside town and she was waking the neighbors.
DH and I had a long talk after we finally calmed her down. I’ve done a lot of reading as well. We have two other kids and this is not anything we’ve dealt with before.
When DD woke up, she didn’t remember what happened. She was in like, a fugue state.
Anonymous says
I have a 6 year old on the struggle bus with meltdowns right now and this board has been helpful with tips. Also therapy. But honestly just hearing that other 5-6 year olds are still having meltdowns too is THE MOST HELPFUL THING EVER.
Pogo says
OMG the fugue state! Ours gets that too. Usually when he’s super duper tired. It’s like he doesn’t even know what is happening.
Walnut says
Sometimes I meet meltdowns with completely unexpected silliness to help them “snap” out. Dropping to the floor and acting like a puppy or a craftily dropped “poopy butt” can be particularly effective. Especially because I am SO not the silly parent.
Anon says
Dr Becky on Instagram did a good post recently about deep feeling kids and how often those tantrums are a cry to connect when the kid feels overwhelmed by their feelings, too. Might give you some ideas. I’d also suggest a few nights of takeout or frozen pizza and bagged salad to cut down in cooking and so both parents can be available at night to help ease this transition.
Anonymous says
Anyone else feel like their kids can’t be left alone for a second and just want to give up? Working from home with a new to us babysitter since no camp this week … less than an hour in, the 7 year old takes advantage of babysitter being in bathroom to pick a fight with the 4 year old and ends up hitting and kicking…
Anonymous says
Why is this your problem though? Ignore it and let the babysitter handle.
Anonymous says
+1. If you don’t let the babysitter handle it, the kids will never get the message that she’s in charge and you might as well not have a sitter at all.
anon says
I had kids those ages with an inexperienced babysitter during COVID. It helped a lot to set expectations with both my kids and the babysitter. I made sure my kids knew how they were expected to behave. I also made it clear to the babysitter how bad behavior should be handled.
I also let them know that if things went off the rails and I had to leave a call to intervene, they would have to spend the morning cleaning their rooms. But if they could behave, they could do fun things with the babysitter. Their call.
Anonymous says
BFing question: I stopped BFing a couple weeks ago, after winding down over the weeks prior, but my body is still producing milk. Every few days, I have to express a little bit from one side or the other. It’s not a lot but it seems a little weird. Is this normal?
Anonymous says
Normal. Take Sudafed for a couple days to dry things up.
OP says
Thanks!
ElisaR says
yeah i put cabbage leaves in my bra, not sure if it actually helped or not but it is a typical experience!
Cute Kid Stories? says
Cute kid things….because Monday.
Just overheard my 4YO talking to herself that “Grammy goes M-O-M-M-Y” as she is “reading” my contact list to call my mother from my phone. Reminds me of the commercial in the car where the kids think they are calling their mother and end up calling their grandmother.
Pogo says
Apparently my dad told LO a story about wanting to make banana muffins for my mom the other day, but he didn’t have any bananas. After my parents had left, the next day, LO asked me to set aside one of our bananas to give to grandpa so he could make the muffins.
Anon says
Awww, they are so thoughtful like that!
Anonymous says
My two year old randomly saw someone throw a pie at someone else’s face on television (I think it was a game show?? LOL) and so now he loves to yell “pie face… DAD!” or “pie face…MOM!” and pretend to throw a pie at us.
TheElms says
A moth landed in my 2 year old’s water table and she raced inside to get my husband to come rescue it because it was imperative that we “help moff right now!” It was very sweet. (The moth was successfully rescued and flew away after its wings dried).
Anon says
We rescued a butterfly doing the same thing this weekend!
Pogo says
Omg, I love when they want to rescue bugs. It’s too cute.
Anonymous says
Currently working at my in-laws for the week. They back onto a golf course. LO is in HEAVEN because he saw the lawn care guy this morning AND he “found” golf balls in the back yard. (planted by Grandpa last night).
Also he as SO excited to come here. Yesterday morning: “we are leaving TODAY and we will get there and sleep there TONIGHT? (my parents are a 15 hr trip that we break-up overnight.) After not seeing them for more than a year, I feel so blessed for the childcare support from healthy vaccinated grandparents!
Advice? Support? says
Soooo we made a decision last winter that we thought was the best at the time but ended up being severely traumatic for our five year old. The extent of the trauma is just coming to light and it’s terrible. I feel like the worst person. To top it off, all the child therapists in our area are totally overloaded and so far I’ve only been able to get on months long waitlists. I’m still calling around but I feel like we hurt our kid and I now can’t give her the help she needs. We’re giving her lots of love and support and kindness but man . . . . I don’t know what I’m looking for here – maybe commiseration? Support?
Anon says
this post is a bit abstract so hard to know what exactly the decision was. but as you began your post with it was the decision that you thought was best at the time. we all wish we could make decisions with the benefit of hindsight, but we can’t. you are doing the best that you can for your child and sometimes it still feels bad when that best doesn’t seem like enough. lots of hugs
Anonymous says
I can totally commiserate with the frustration about not being able to get her the support she needs. If it makes you feel any better, in my observation about 80% of therapists are pretty much useless anyway so you are not missing out on much. If the “trauma” was keeping her out of school, everyone is going through that and will recover. My friend who teaches special ed says it only took about three days for her students who’d been out of the classroom all of last year to adjust.
Anonymous says
Too abstract to really comment on but keep calling and know that you are doing your best! If she’s in K the school psychologist may be a good place to start.
Anon says
Could you give us a little more information about the decision? It’s hard to give any commiseration with something this vague. That being said, sending lots of support for whatever it is! You made the best decision you could with the information at hand last winter. Hold tight to this.
Pogo says
Agree on the abstract, but I am surprised your pediatrician cannot provide any resources locally with social workers from either non profits or govt agencies for some crisis intervention. There was a situation brought up anonymously in my local moms group (surrounding suspected abuse by a family member) and she was able to be connected to these resources through the pediatrician, and that was the recommended place to start – including from social workers and therapists in the group.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, but the good thing is YOU CARE.
Anonymous says
My impression is that it is pretty much impossible to get any kind of mental health services for kids right now. In an abuse situation you might have a better chance, but for normal kid mental health issues you are probably going to be SOL. Agree on starting with the pediatrician in any case.
Anonymous says
Do you have access to an EAP? Some can find providers for you, or they may be able to offer counseling (if not for your child, as she’s 5, then for you and your decision).
As for support, I think 10:52 anon got it right – you thought you made the best choice. You didn’t – but everyone has been there.
IHeartBacon says
I agree that your post is too abstract to give real commiseration, but whatever the trauma is, I would recommend that you read up on parenting a child who has experienced early childhood trauma while you wait to find a therapist. Love, support, and kindness as concepts are key, but you may also benefit from things you can DO to love, support, and show kindness to your child. Check out this link as a start: https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubpdfs/child-trauma.pdf.
Anxious and scared, looking for advice says
Hi everyone, apologies for the long comment in advance. I am writing for some advice on what you have all gone through in some form or fashion. We have a 5 yr old girl and have been thinking about baby #2. Well, I learned two days ago that I am pregnant and while my husband is super happy, all I am feeling is panic and anxiety. I guess I am looking for your advice on how to calm myself down and not zoom in on doomsday scenario as the baby is very much planned and wanted.
I am drawing from my first rodeo, where the pregnancy was uneventful but the birth was the classic intervention cascade (pitocin to induce labor due to unexplained bleeding, epidural, C-section with so much anesthesia that I felt I was dying) with very little information provided to me on next steps as things were hurried, and our baby had to spend the first few days in the NICU on formula. I then had a very tough time breastfeeding (lots of pain for 2+ months) and ended up pumping for a year. Our daughter also had low weight issues and we were at the peds every week or so for the first two months. Of course my career took a hit (I left consulting and went ‘in-house’), but what I wasn’t prepared for was the recovery from the C-section and the complete loss of personal freedom. It took me a long time to be able to get out of the house for even a walk (esp. because of breastfeeding challenges, it had to be within a certain time window). Complicating everything is that my husband has gone through two major bouts of depression, when baby #1 was born and then when she was ~2 years old. There were times he was barely functional. We don’t have any family in the country and with Covid, I am not sure we will be able to call them over to stay and help. The first pregnancy also left me with an umbilical hernia (which has returned despite surgery), and I now have hypothyroidism (also likely because of the pregnancy).
I have now (finally!) lost a bunch of weight and come down to my pre-pregnancy weight, I am now finally able to strength train with all my medical issues. And now I am pregnant. I fear I will lose all the gains in my physical body, but may also end up with new medical issues after this pregnancy. I worry about being stuck in my job for another year and a half (I was starting to look on and off). I worry about being on the hook for two kids with no spousal support if another bout of depression hits. I worry about even making it through the pregnancy without having to have emergency surgery for the hernia or some other medical issue. I worry about falling into post-partum depression myself after having seen a close friend go through it, someone who very much wanted two kids.
The good parts? I absolutely love and enjoy our 5 yr old! I think two kids would make our family complete and our first born will make a great older sibling. Husband clearly wants it and at some level I want it too (I have imagined aborting and it makes me very sad). But I am scared of the ‘price’ I may have to pay. We just had a huge fight about this last night and I have been crying since then. I don’t feel like I can speak with anyone as my parents will panic even more (‘what will happen to your job?’, ‘how will you manage two kids?’), and close friends have warned me to think hard about baby #2 given husband’s medical history.
Looking for support…I need to not be sad and anxious any more. I want to feel happy about this.
Anonymous says
IMO counseling is recommended too frequently here, but in this case it could be valuable. One concrete thing that could help you feel more prepared would be to develop a contingency plan for recognizing and handling a relapse on your husband’s part. Making a plan can help you feel more in control of the situation, and the loss of control seems to be what’s causing you distress.
AwayEmily says
I’m always a big fan of therapy. But also: TIME. I posted awhile back about my terror and anxiety around getting pregnant with our third. When I got the positive test I felt almost entirely dread, not joy. And it was a wanted pregnancy! My fears did not go away overnight and they are still not entirely gone. But now, at 15 weeks, it’s SO much better than it was at 6 weeks, and I’m able to focus much more on the happy exciting parts. It’s a lot to get used to, and you can’t always rush it. You also have eight months to slowly and methodically work through all the issues you talked about — backup plans for if your husband’s depression worsens, career plans, etc. You don’t need to solve all of this right away. Also: congratulations!
anon says
To take it one issue at a time, there is no reason you can’t switch jobs. You’re actually in a better spot than if you switched and then got pregnant too soon. Just negotiate your leave as part of your hiring package.
Anonymous says
Hugs. I had a similarly traumatic first labor, and also had trouble BFing. Mine didn’t end in a C-section, but I had a complicated recovery and wasn’t allowed to exercise for 4 months.
Labor #2 was SO much easier. I knew myself better, I knew how to navigate the choices better, and the whole process went a million times better–even though I was induced again, and even though I tested positive for COVID at the hospital!
Because we had moved, I also had a new OB and was in a new hospital. I thought I liked my old OB, but now that I have two points of comparison, I find myself questioning the care I received the first time around. It’s hard to know, because labor #2 is generally a better experience, but you might want to look into finding a new practice, if only so you won’t be constantly reminded of the trauma you experienced the first time around.
As for weight gain/ feeling like yourself… it’s hard with two. I’m in the thick of it right now, and I’m finding it really hard to shower, let alone workout etc. But I know it will get better. The age gap between your kids should help. The hardest thing is just patience, because you’ll get back to a happy place with your body eventually, if that’s your goal. It may just take a while.
Anon says
Is your husband being treated medically for his depression? DH was struggling off and on with depression when we were TTC, and I finally convinced him that he needed to take care of himself before we had a baby. Starting medication has not been without its challenges (or side effects), but DH absolutely believes it was the right move for him and has made both of our lives much better.
So Anon says
I have many thoughts, so bear with me:
– On the traumatic birth: take the time to find a provider you 100% trust. Someone who will listen to what happened and help you plan ahead for birth #2. Anecdotally, I have heard that a planned C-section is so much easier than an unplanned C following labor. I would look for someone who will talk to you about how things will happen, and a plan for post-partum. This provider should also help with any after-birth concerns that you have in terms of long-term health. Also, have you considered a doula to help with the birth and post-partum process?
– Help with a new baby: I hear that you don’t have family in country. If you can afford it, I would hire help. A night nurse to help the first few weeks, part-time nanny or babysitter to give you the ability to care for yourself with a new baby. Even 2 hours three times a week is a chance to nap, shower, exercise, or just be by yourself.
– Your spouse: I have been down this road. My former spouse struggled with severe depression that cycled. I am in no way saying that your road is the one I traveled, but here is the advice I wish I had had. Your spouse needs to be in treatment for his depression, even when it is not in its active/severe stage. It sounds like the depression may cycle. If so, can his providers work with him to find his triggers and what he is honestly capable of doing when the depression is at its worst. Can the two of you work together to make a plan for the new baby and what he can/will do. It is not your job to manage his depression. You cannot make him not be depressed, and his depression is not your fault. You can draw boundaries on what is acceptable, even when he is in the deepest parts of his depression. Part of your self-care needs to be drawing and enforcing those boundaries with him. It is also true that you need support during this time. Are you working with a therapist? Gather all of the support around you and your family in the next few months.
Walnut says
+1 for a doula. Also, join your local ICAN facebook group. From personal experience, I ultimately ended up with three c-sections, but ICAN equipped me with empowerment strategies and I really felt like I was in the drivers seat with my second and third birth.
A lovely friend of mine is a doula who offers pre-birth, post-birth and breastfeeding support to boot. She’s EXACTLY the kind of person you want by your side through the birth journey (or folding your laundry and changing a baby diaper post birth). You can find someone like her through ICAN or through Evidence Based Birth (https://evidencebasedbirth.com/). Also do some searching for a doula speed dating event in your area to connect you with a partner who can help you along the way.
Anon says
So I’m in your shoes but about 13 weeks ahead of you pregnancy wise and I was the one with health and anxiety/depression issues. Don’t give into the worst case scenarios. You’re a great problem solver and you will solve each problem as it comes. Don’t pre-solve nonexistent problems yet. Each pregnancy is different. This time around, I am more at ease because I know I’m not in control but pregnancy is temporary. And it will be my last pregnancy, Lord willing. So I am just going to enjoy what’s enjoyable and when something isn’t…reflect that this time next year, I won’t be pregnant.
Anon says
You’ve gotten good advice already but also: you don’t have to breastfeed! You have full permission to NOT add that additional pain / stress / sacrifice to you time, career, etc. Your time and sanity is worth something – happy, healthy mom is more important than the very minimal benefit of BF vs. formula feeding.
And, as someone who had a planned C-section with my second kid when oldest was 6 – way, way different than recover from an unplanned c-section, and big brother was able to be self-sufficient when he needed to be and helpful with the new baby when asked. Transitioning to two is tough, but with a big age difference like that, it’s going to be easier to manage than, say, 2 under 2.
Anon says
YEEEESSS.
I combo fed for two months and then threw in the towel. Meh. The benefits of BF-ing are mostly emotional (the result of the “studies” showing that BF is best basically amount to: if you’re white, upper middle class, and have a supportive spouse, your kid is better off). If it’s a negative emotional experience for you, you’re better off with formula.
EDAnon says
Breastfeeding my first was terrible (constant nursing/pumping to get my milk to come in. It never did! And I was so exhausted). I combo fed my second from birth. At 4 months, my low supply dried up. That was that. It helped me a lot going in with the mentality that I wasn’t going through nursing again.
OP says
Thank you everyone for the wonderful advice and words of support and encouragement! It is especially heartening to hear from others who have been in my shoes. Just wanted to add some notes of clarification:
1. Husband has been on medication for 5+ years. The original meds didn’t work quite well, hence the cycling through and swinging to the other end of the pendulum. However he has been stable on current meds for 3 years. He also has a therapist that he speaks with weekly and a psychiatrist for meds monitoring. He has been tapering down under guidance from his psych, and is on the lowest dose right now. He has done a lot to ‘overcome’ his depression and build his toolkit, and when he is functional he is super-functional and an equally-contributing member of the family. Which is why he bristles when I bring up my PTSD as the spouse of the depressed and we end up arguing.
2. I do have a therapist, she is newly assigned to me as the old one moved on (I am at a practice where they assign students to me). I do plan to bring this up with her. So far, I have held on to the therapist as it was a pain to find one 3 years ago, and this is my ‘insurance’ to have a place to go for help when the time comes.
3. We will absolutely get a nanny or babysitter. I will look into the night nurse and/or doula as well.
Thanks once again!
Anon says
Have you done couples counseling? It’s great your husband has done so much work and you can work on being present and not living life through past prism but it’s also reasonable that your first experience would influence how you are feeling now. He probably feels a lot of guilt and shame but that’s something you two can work on together.
OP says
We did do that briefly two years ago, but didn’t feel like it helped and most of the issues resolved once we were WFH due to Covid.
Of course it didn’t address the root of behaviors but took the stressors away (e.g., who is dropping/picking up the kid).)
Baby Registry says
I’m expecting the first grandbaby and great-grandbaby on both sides of the family, so several people have seriously requested that I set up a registry. As I’m adding things to the list, it already seems like sooo muuuch stuff! I’m struggling to give up my minimalist and environmentalist self-image and accept buying a bunch of stuff that will only be temporarily useful. But on the other hand, I don’t want to sacrifice safety or make this more stressful than it needs to be.
Did anyone else feel like this before setting up a nursery?
Anonymous says
You can totally do this in a minimalist way. You actually do need some things, like a car seat, a stroller, a baby carrier, and a safe place for baby to sleep. You do not need a baby monitor, a wipe warmer, or eleven thousand frilly dresses. If lots of people want to give you gifts, register for fancy minimalistic stuff that you will need a little later on, like the Tripp Trapp chair and a few cute things from Green Toys made from recycled milk bottles.
Also be aware that parenthood will inevitably knock you down off that high horse sooner or later.
Anonymous says
We had a similar situation and a lot of the in-great-condition high-quality stuff was eagerly received by many local groups and thrift stores and day cares once my kids (in rapid succession) were done with it. Embrace it and just donate later.
Baby Registry says
That’s a helpful thought. I’ve been surprised there is almost zero used baby stuff available locally, but that probably means it will easy to pass it on and see it reused.
Walnut says
Ask your neighbors who are parents for the local parents group/buy sell trade group/etc. I’m a member of an awesome one that isn’t super searchable on facebook, because it was mentioned in a viral Buzzfeed article and they were inundated with tens of thousands of requests to join.
That said, all the locals know about it and tip off the neighbors.
Anonymous says
+1 my Facebook buy nothing group has happily accepted many baby items I was done with. It’s actually really nice to see stuff go to another family that will value it (and my first stroller has made the rounds to a couple different families now!).
Anon says
People will get you stuff. It’s better to put things on the registry so they get you stuff you need/want.
anon says
Babies do require a lot of stuff, especially newborns. Set up the registry for the stuff you need. Know that you’ll be gifted some stuff you don’t need. That’s okay.
Lucy’s List is a good place for a minimalist approach. If you get quality items, you can donate them to a friend or someone in need to make sure they don’t go to waste once you’re done with them.
anon says
7months PP and right there with you. I remember feeling this exact same way. Don’t spend too much time on it–put up a bunch of things and you can always return it for the money or register for things that they will use later on (like the Tripp Trapp and accompanying accessories recommended below). I regret spending so much time on the registry b/c everyone kept asking me about it. Register for diapers of all sizes if you have lots of storage space, or clothes beyond the 3 month size.
BUT also embrace the temporal-ness of it all. Babies go through clothes, toys, etc so quickly…everything seems to lose its utility too quickly, or maybe I’m doing something wrong.
Baby Registry says
That process of change is probably what’s tripping me up. Everything comes in multiple sizes! Different ages need different stimuli! Embracing that it’s reflective of baby constantly growing is probably a good thing to remember, because I’m excited about seeing her grow and learn :).
AnonIVF says
We didn’t register and asked everyone who asked us about a registry/what we wanted that we’d love a copy of their favorite children’s book.
We still got some other gifts (clothes, blankets, etc), and my boss insisted on buying one of our “big” items (Tripp Trapp) but not a ton.
We didn’t register for wedding gifts either, though, so take this with a grain of salt.
Anonymous says
I think this is very dependent on your family/friends. Like will they ask you before they buy something if there is no registry or will they just crochet you 3 white baby blankets. Not having my wedding registry done in advance of my surprise bridal shower is how I ended up with towels in a rainbow of colors and styles and a food processor that I don’t like (gift from my grandma who put a lot of effort into picking it out, so now I’m stuck with it). Since then I’m super pro registry.
AnonIVF says
Well I also said absolutely no bridal or baby showers, and my husband backed me up when people said “but can’t I just plan one for her anyway???”, so I didn’t have that to worry about.
Anonymous says
Yeah, surprise shower was also a surprise to my husband. Planning was so far along by the time my aunt told the bridesmaids that they didn’t feel like they had the authority to uninvite a whole swarth of people. Still annoyed they didn’t tell me though.
Anon says
Yes, but as other said, you need so much. We limited our registry to just essentials and did not do a shower pre-covid. A few things I wish we had registered for more of but didn’t were clothes and swaddles. DS had a favorite swaddle each week it seemed like so we went through about 6-7 different kinds. We also primarily were given onesies in 3-6 month size, so I have had to buy most of my own clothes. (Family and friends with kids are all on their first and keeping clothes for a second, so no hand-me-downs.) All of these things add up. Oh, and diapers!
Anonymous says
You can register for diapers. I almost always buy diapers if they are on the registry.
Anonymous says
things that you CAN register for that may be more your style – a subscription to the Lovevery play kits (the idea is to have few, better, developmentally appropriate toys), literati for books (we find that DH and I get tired of reading the same books on repeat)(yes there is the library and we borrow books from the library a LOT, but if people are looking to get you a gift, this is an option for books that are gifts). Decent hooded bath towels in a few sizes and wash clothes (we’re still using the same ones we got for our registry 3+ years ago). Other things that might be slightly more environmentally friendly/minimalist (you can research these and be the ultimate judge) – Pura Kiki bottles (my kiddo uses them now as his water bottles for school, have held up really well), happy mat place mats, green toys items, and some of the green spouts stuff. Like others recommend, I strongly suggest the trip Trapp high chair. It’s awesome.
Katala says
+1 to the Lovevery boxes and their play gym. I’m very happy with the first box and plan to not buy any other toys for the first year. No plastic toys with annoying songs sounds fantastic for our third baby.
AwayEmily says
Yeah I don’t think being minimalist and having a registry are incompatible. If anything the registry allows you to AVOID getting random crap you don’t need. We got 80% of our baby stuff (bottles, high chair, Pack-n-play, monitor, toys) as hand-me-downs and/or via me asking for stuff on parent listservs (tip: I find that people often don’t bother posting stuff, but if you send out a message asking for what you want you’ll get a TON of responses of people looking to offload things). Then we filled in our registry with boring but necessary things (a changing pad, carseat, crib sheets, crib mattress). I’m sure people would rather have bought “fun” things but eh, they survived.
Anonymous says
I’m minimalist and my job is in environmental stuff. I did a registry for exactly those reasons. People will want to get your gifts so it’s helpful to direct them to what you actually want. You’re going to end up with a bunch of ‘stuff’ anyway so it might as well be what you actually want vs. ugly plastic stuff.
I got lots of stuff that I only used for a short period of time, but it was then in great condition to donate onwards. Local refugee support group is always looking for stuff. There was one baby swing that I used for like 2 months and I know has made it through 4 other families since then. Everything from baby blankets to cribs and car seats has been donated directly to families that can use the items.
Anonymous says
Adding that I take a particular satisfaction in donating items from Trumpy family members who would never donate directly to refugees. Sometimes put an outfit on kid for like a day for a thank you picture and then put it directly in the donation box. If they want to be overly consumeristic I’m gonna redirect that into causes I care about. There’s also a high degree of overlap of baby clothing style between conservative relatives buying overly gendered clothes and refugees who were delighted to have basically brand new fancy baby clothes for baby girls.
Mary Moo Cow says
Oh, yes, I felt the same way!!! Good news on the environmental front is that so much has changed since we were kids: bamboo and recycled plastic utensils and cups, eco-friendlier diapers and biodegradable diaper pail liners, etc. (Yes, it is a drop in the bucket in the ocean of plastic, but still, it is something.)
There are tons of lists and advice columns and magazines hawking “must haves,” so it can be hard to tune out the noise. I very quickly crossed the line from excited to shop for all this stuff to overwhelmed by all this stuff. My biggest regret was letting my sister talk me into a ginormous jogging stroller when I was, in reality, not going running with this kid. I later bought a lightweight foldable stroller that I was much happier.
Finally, it is okay to have a bare bones registry or one that is heavy on books and diapers and burp cloths and toddler eating utensils. People are gonna people and give you what they think you need or want to have anyway, so don’t feel guilty about returning or passing on gifts you don’t want.
anonn says
If yours is the first grandbaby, there will likely be cousins to pass it all on to at some point, so register for quality stuff! My baby is the 6th user of so much baby stuff, but he’s probably the last on both sides so I’m stressing about finding it all new homes. It’s fun to see pictures of all the cousins in the same bouncer, life jacket, onesie! I’m overwhelmed by books, pacifiers and blankets though.
Walnut says
Register for diapers and wipes in a variety of brands and sizes. You’re not necessarily going to know your preferences and it’s nice to be able to switch quick (for example, Huggies diapers always triggered worse diaper rash that pampers). If you’re going the cloth route, add a few different types to cycle through while you figure out what works. You can ask for jammies in literally every size from newborn to age three. You’ll need ’em. Onsies in newborn to twelve months – long sleeve and short sleeve. Kids shoes in all the sizes. A few types of swaddles.
If you’re open to people shopping used for you, spread that through the grapevine. I’d love to know if people are okay if I buy them a used diaper pail rather than the brand new one. Do you spend time at either of your parents houses? If so, extra pack ‘n plays, car seats, car seat bases, swings, etc. are great to stow away so you don’t have to pack up half your house when you visit.
Also, trust your instinct and query your friends with kids. You definitely don’t need to buy a wipe warmer or bath spout cover if you don’t want one.
Anonymous says
This. Extra pack n play, high chair, and exersaucer thing at my parents place has been used by like 5 grandkids now – very helpful.
Anonymous says
Any tips or advise for a two year sleep regression? Asking about my 27 month old son. The internet seems to suggest this is a real thing, but it’s a huge shock to me and DH since kiddo has been a truly excellent sleeper since 2 months old, and we have not had any of the “typical” regressions at all. I guess I thought we were just past all of the sleep regressions. (Maybe this is just payback?)
Basically he will fall asleep just fine, but then be up from about 3:00/3:30-5:30/6:00 every 30 minutes crying for DH or me (normally sleeps from 7:30-7:30). Generally, as soon as we open the door to his room, he stops crying and calms down, and we give him a hug, kiss, tell him he is safe/everything is okay and maybe some back rubs. Sometimes we rock for a few minutes if he doesn’t calm down right away when we go into the room and then put him back down. Then we leave and 30 minutes later he’s crying again. Diaper will be dry, temperature of kiddo and in the room is fine. DS is a kid that certainly needs his sleep, and drop-off this morning was terrible.
Any thoughts/suggestions/advice would be helpful!
Anonymous says
Two year molars? Does he get any chocolate? Or maybe summertime popsicles? My kids can’t have chocolate past noon or the caffeine wake them up in the middle of the night.
Anonymous says
two year molars are fully in, and he didn’t have any added sugar foods yesterday. Alas, it may be a mystery known only to our kiddo, who is currently unwilling to share.
anon says
Hit me with your best gift ideas for a 7 year old! This kid loves to read, mostly comic books but is getting in to Harry Potter. She also likes camping, fishing, art, doodling, and cutesy things. So, she’s a… kid! I am looking to spend about $50.
anon says
The illustrated Harry Potter books are beautiful and my 7 yo’s most prized possession. She has books 1-3, but even book 1 alone would be a nice present.
Spirograph says
This. My kids love the illustrated Harry Potter book 1, which my sister gifted to my son for his 7th birthday.
Anonymous says
For a kid that age who is into adventurous things like camping, I love the Daring Book for Girls.
Mary Moo Cow says
Harry Potter lego? My 5 year old loves it.
anon says
Harry Potter is everywhere – they make really nice coloring books, that plus a fabulous set of markers (not Crayola, but a more grownup set)?
Nanny red flag or nah? says
I’m interviewing a potential new nanny this week. She seems like a sergeant. Career nanny, clearly very creative, nurturing and probably excellent. She comes with her own 14-page contract that I’m expected to sign. Should I be more open minded? Gut reaction after the hour long call was she’s probably outstanding and provides the kind of structure my family could benefit from, but when she told me about the contract at the tail end my gut was maybe she’s challenging to work with. What do you think? I’ve only hired one other nanny before and it was someone we knew previously. Is this a red flag or is it a sign of strong planning, potentially even a positive?
OP says
Obviously the content of the contract matters, and it cold be 18 pt font and double spaced for all I know, but still. Just curious if this would send up flags to you or not. Feeling very inexperienced at this process and questioning my gut at all turns. Sigh.
Anonymous says
I would review the contract and go from there. If she is an experienced nanny it is possible that she developed this after being burned in the past by parents with unclear expectations/unreasonable/unpaid extra hours etc.
It’s super unusual but it wouldn’t necessarily cause me to immediately rule her out.
NYCer says
It would definitely send up flags to me, but more of a caution flag than a red flag. If you liked her on the phone, definitely take a look and see what it says.
Personally, I would be more concerned that she seemed like a sergeant, but everyone is looking for something different.
OP says
Yea, the sergeant piece was also 50% comforting / 50% concerning. Almost like Super Nanny from that old reality TV show? Great with kids, creative, always on the go/doing fun kid oriented activities, but super regimented in a household where mom and dad never read a parenting book. I mean, we’re fine parents but we don’t have some insanely strict approach (but also….maybe we’d benefit from it?!). I have no clue.
We were given 13 days notice and I’m in my busy season, next round of IVF injections start in a couple weeks. Trying to not allow desperation to take over. Current nanny applied to a teaching job on a whim 6 months ago, never heard back, and then heard back last Tuesday, got the job Wednesday and then resigned to us. Teaching was always the long-term play but for the start of next school year. She’s not done with her degree and she didn’t think she even qualified for the job. 100% the right decision for her and long term career prospects, but….le sigh.
NYCer says
That is rough! In your circumstances, I would 100% read the nanny’s proposed contract with an open mind. You can always try to negotiate if there is anything in there that you object to.
anonn says
I’m an attorney and a cousin once sent me daycare contract to advise them on that was 18pt comic sans, and totally non-sensical. Wait to see it first.
Anon says
My instinct would be that the contract is the result of all the things she’s learned during a career as a nanny. Have you read it? I’d reserve judgement until after you read it.
HSAL says
No advice but I totally want to hear what’s in the contract.
Anon says
I’d think it could be a good thing – shows some initiative and professionalism! if the contract didn’t say anything I had issue wiht I’d consider it a plus. I have an agreement with my nanny that’s pretty detailed, I drafted it, and it’s not 16 pages, but it’s pretty involved.
AnonFTM says
Would you mind sharing any must-have provisions to include? The best candidate we like wants us to enter into one but I have no idea what this agreement should look like. I assume things like rate, benefits, tasks, and termination should go in there but would be good to know if there’s anything else that should go in.
Anon says
sorry just seeing this now! it has rate of pay, standard hours, when we start paying time and a half (we pay on the books so we pay time and a half for overtime, which we calculate in 15 minute increments, i.e. I’m supposed to get home at 6, if I get home at 6:20 she gets half an hour of time and a half), vacation, sick leave, what conduct would be grounds for immediate termination (drinking, drugs, sleeping, physical discipline I think are the main ones), what period of notice is if she wants to leave her job or if we want to fire her for a reason other than immediate termination, severance…I think that’s it!
AnonFTM says
This is so helpful! Thank you!!!
Anne-on says
I think this is a good thing! We had a 20+ page handbook for our au pairs because there are SO many things that you may not think of but that need to be spelled out. What time are breaks, how is overtime handled, how is vacation/sick time paid out, car usage and policies, insurance coverage etc etc etc.
remember though that contracts should protect both parties so do bring up anything you disagree with or might want to change as I bet she’s flexible if you explain your reasoning.
Also we developed our handbook after our first au pair totally took advantage of us, so I bet this nanny is trying to cover her bases!
anon says
Check her references and ask her prior families about that. I had a similar feeling when I enrolled my kids in a licensed at-home daycare and saw the very extensive handbook. Turns out the woman who ran the daycare was one of the best things that ever happened to us and the handbook was an extension of how organized and professional she was–and she was also totally sweet and loving with our kids.
But the contract is a contract–don’t sign it if you don’t intend to be bound by its terms.
buffybot says
I think it definitely depends on the terms of the contract but I wouldn’t view it as a negative — our nanny (similarly experienced) and I agreed that we wanted at written contract for transparency and clear expectations and it was really helpful to think all of the terms through together. I used a form I found online and reviewed a friend’s contract for reference but (as a lawyer) I think it’s a REALLY good idea to write down expectations in writing, so wouldn’t be too fussed about whether the first draft came from her or from me.
anon says
She might also be repurposing a contract that she has previously agreed to. Definitely would read it before judging.
AnonFTM says
We’re in the process as well and the best candidate we have so far also wanted us to sign a contract. We didn’t view it at all as a red flag and thought it was just about setting clear expectations. This is our first nanny though so we are new to the process.
NYCer says
FWIW, nanny contracts are pretty common. It is just a bit unusual for the employee (i.e., the nanny) to come with her own contract. In my experience, the employer (i.e., the families) tends to present the contract.
AnonFTM says
Got it, good to know. I think our candidate wants us to draw up the contract so maybe that’s why it didn’t raise our spidey senses. Thanks!
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
So…today is the first day I’m NOT pumping at work for DS#2. Just nursing in the morning and before bedtime for now, mostly for the snuggles and with the fading hope I’m passing along vaccine antibodies.
It feels……FANTASTIC. I went from pumping 3x/day (terrible), to 2x (still terrible), to 1x (manageable but not fun). My output was decreasing and DS #2 is 8 months, so I figured…why not stop? I cannot emphasize how much better my mental health was with this baby thanks to supplementing with formula (and zoloft…)
Thanks to all the wise advice and support I received here!