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Now that life is starting to resemble the Before Times, I’m looking to add something shiny and new to my wardrobe.
This satin blouse from The Reset checks both boxes. The double V-neck is perfect for meetings (both online and IRL), and the elbow-length sleeves just need a bold cuff or statement watch.
It comes in nine sophisticated colors (some are backordered but should be restocked soon) and is made from easy-to-care-for-yet-so-elegant-sounding “Japanese milled satin charmeuse.”
The top is $148 and comes in sizes XS–XL.
Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Spring Mid-Season Sale: Up to 50% off 100s of styles
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anonymous says
For that price, this should be silk charmeuse.
Anonymous says
We are heading to Provincetown, MA in a couple weeks and I’d love recommendations of preschooler-friendly activities nearby! We’re not comfortable with indoors yet, but restaurants with outdoor seating and outdoor activities would be great. And any other tips– we’ve never been to the Cape. Thanks!
Pogo says
We love the Cape! Though we typically are on the lower Cape, generally here are the types of activities we do:
– Mini golf
– Cranberry bog tour
– Seal/whale watching
– baseball games (there’s a college league on the Cape and I think the games are free)
– canoe/SUP on kettle ponds
– for older kiddos, drive-in (Wellfleet)
– bike on the rail trail!!!
Anonymous says
Drive in theater down near Orleans. But it books up reserve early.
Anon says
We just did a week in Ptown with our 3 year old.
– Sit at a restaurant patio and people (and puppy) watch. I recommend Bubalas. We went there twice and requested the same Commercial Street facing table.
– Any of the beaches. Go back at night with your kite and for sunset. Did this almost nightly.
– Lighthouses – a little drive from Ptown but if you’re down for exploring, check out the Three Sisters Lighthouses – DD was all about them and other coastal scenes. Marconi was a random hit.
– Rent bikes and ride all around Ptown, or venture outside of town if you want. There are two great rental places on Bradford Street close to downtown.
– Check out the East End Deli for food – lunch and breakfast sandwiches. There’s a playground that’s relatively shaded directly across the street.
– Truro Vineyard for mom and dad, but so much action that DD was really good and in to people watching.
One of our favorite meals was in Wellfleet at Bookstore. So good! We brought a backpack with crayons and a coloring book and other easy tableside things that got us through, no problem.
Anon says
Oh ya,
– There’s also a penny candy store in the center of downtown. We let DD go in with a dime each day and pick something out. Basically a dumdum lollypop per day. Bought us a lot of time to otherwise wander.
– The Ptown funicular looks cool but was still under construction when we were there in May. It’s allegedly opening soon … could be a fun little ride.
anon says
One more. Minigolf was a huge hit. Had to go down to Eastham on a cloudy/non-beach day but it was worth it. DD never played before and it was hysterical.
Anonymous says
Thank you SO much! Really appreciate the specific reccs. And thank you Pogo and anon 939. Really looking forward to this trip and having real plans makes it even more anticipated!
Anonymous says
hello! Question on having both a dog and a new baby in a car. Baby is due in July. We currently only have one car, and in the back seat we have a back seat car cover. It sounds like you do not put a car seat on top of the back seat cover. Are there any solutions that cover only half the back seat, without being a hammock that has walls? Also maybe this should be the first question- is it ok to have the baby and the dog in the back seat once we know they get along or should I be back there and the dog in front (or in between dog and baby)? thanks
Anonymous says
My mom always used the very low-tech method of putting an old blanket over the seat and kind of tucking it in around the edges so it didn’t slide too much.
As far as dog + baby, I wouldn’t worry about them riding in the car together once you’re comfortable having them in the same physical space at home (I also can’t envision too many situations when I’d need both of them to be in the car simultaneously). I wouldn’t leave a baby unattended with a dog, but you will be in the front seat and can pull over if you hear any warning signs.
Anonymous says
How big is the dog? We have a Golden Retriever, and even with a seat belt harness she could easily land in the car seat after a sudden stop. For anything but a very small dog, I would have the dog in the back of an SUV behind a barrier or in a crate, or take two cars so the dog can be alone in the back seat.
A dog should never ride in the front seat.
Anonymous says
This. Especially with a newborn, a large dog laying on them for even a couple minutes while you pull over could be a problem. Dogs in cars need a seat belt harness or to be crated so that they do not become projectiles in an accident. Also, in accidents, some dogs can become aggressive or protective of their owners if the dog or owner are hurt so you wouldn’t want the dog preventing the emergency personnel from accessing the baby.
octagon says
When we are taking our large dog on long trips, we put his dog bed over the other half of the backseat. We put a small suitcase in the footwell to help prop up that end. It works well and is heavy enough that it doesn’t slide around. Our dog loves the car and is great with our kiddo — I really love when they are both tired and dog rests his head on kiddo’s leg.
AnonATL says
We use the seat cover and just tuck the excess next to the car seat.
With our two dogs, if it is a longer ride, either DH or I sit in the back in the middle with baby on one side and dog on the other and the second dog in the front passenger seat.
For short rides, we let both dogs sit in the back seat with the baby. We did not when he was teeny tiny and only really started at 9 months or so.
Our dogs are both 50 pounders
Anon says
We stopped using the back seat car cover once baby arrived and now just use a blanket tucked into the seat. I didn’t like any of the partial-seat cover options. We have a bolster behind the driver’s seat that essentially provides extra space for the dog (yellow lab). She is harnessed in, and the baby is in a car seat behind the passenger.
70 lbs dog, 8 month old baby, Subaru Forester, FWIW.
Anonymous says
What kind of harness do you use, and how much does it restrict the dog’s movement? We have a similarly sized dog with a Kurgo harness and she can get anywhere in the back seat of my Prius. I’m skeptical about how much it would keep her from flying around in a crash or sudden stop and don’t like to let her ride next to my daughter.
Lydia says
they make a half back seat car cover that works great, and keeps dog separate from baby. I’ll post a link if I can find one.
Lydia says
This is the one we have: “Kurgo Dog Hammock Car Seat Cover for Pets”
https://www.amazon.com/Kurgo-Wander-Hammock-Style-Cover/dp/B01MU7O40P/
Anon says
Anyone read the recent NYTimes article on Emily Oster? Curious what people think.
The article opens with “Emily Oster, an economist at Brown University, has a lot to say.”
That phrasing just hit me. As a woman who has always been taught to play nice and let others do the talking, I’m glad to have a smart woman like Emily share her views vocally on such important topics, even if she isn’t an epidemiologist. Even if she doesn’t get everything exactly right. Even if she annoys people.
I think the liberal industrial complex (and yes, I am a democrat too) just can’t stand when a member of their own ranks doesn’t submit.
Anonymous says
On the school issue, Oster deserves every bit of criticism she gets. Throughout the pandemic she’s revealed that she is not actually interested in an informed analysis of risks and benefits. She just wants to pick and choose the “evidence” that supports her predetermined emotional conclusion: WFH and remote school are just too hard for my whiny privileged self to manage and I should get to send my kids to school no matter what.
Anonymous says
This.
I can’t stand how she thinks public health recommendations should be based on principles applicable to economics. Like, no. Just stop. Work with FASD kids for a few years then talk to me about your stats.
You don’t like a public health recommendation? Don’t follow it, but don’t spend all this time trying to tear down perfectly sensible recommendations just to assuage your mommy guilt of not perfectly following every recommendation. They are just broad recommendations, something different might work better or be more applicable for you/your family but don’t make a career out of it.
Anon @ 9:30 says
I actually agree with Oster that there should be an individualized risk-benefit assessment, and that some harms are ignored or undervalued. For example, the blanket edict that everyone should BF exclusively for 12 months exaggerates the evidence of BF’s benefits in countries with clean water, and completely ignores the very serious toll that BFing can take no the mother’s mental health and the way she relates to the baby. As someone trained to apply analytic methods from economics to problems in all areas of social science, I also do believe that economists should be part of any public policy debate.
I don’t think that Oster approached the school reopening issue in an unbiased, scientific manner. She came in with a predetermined conclusion and did some very slipshod work to gather “evidence.” On school reopening, what the CDC and researchers should have done was to agree that safely opening schools was a high priority because of the potential harm to children and families from keeping schools closed. The research and guidelines should have focused on how to minimize risk (e.g., the least costly ways to maximize ventilation, smart strategies for cohorting and contact tracing), and policymakers should have mandated that schools comply with evidence-based guidelines and should have gotten schools the resources to enable them to do so. None of this happened. Instead, it became a political debate and test of ideological purity. Everyone was expected to take a side: full reopening without precautions because those were too difficult, or keep everything closed until everyone was vaccinated. Oster’s hysterics about how hard it was to be home with her children, and how safe their fancy private school was, only played into that dynamic. As an economist, she was equipped to contribute to the debate in a much more productive way.
Batgirl says
+10,000!!! All of this. Literally every word. Oster was irresponsible re: schools, not because she was ultimately proven wrong about safety,* but because she was cavalier, not data-driven (and cherry picked her data without making that obvious to the casual reader), and used the subject as a way to launch a new phase of her career.
*Just because we (thankfully) didn’t see massive outbreaks at schools doesn’t mean that they wouldn’t have happened if Oster’s proposals (widespread openings, minimal investments in ventilation or other mitigation measures) had been widely adopted at the time she made them. And they were far from foregone conclusions at the time she made them and nothing in her pieces written last summer relied on solid data, just self-reported info from a handful of schools that weren’t doing testing for asymptomatic cases.
Anon says
There are schools that are still closed with extremely low rates and fully vaccinated teachers. It’s a completely ridiculous view of risk.
Anonymous says
Anon @ 12:13, that has nothing to do with Oster’s methodological errors.
Batgirl says
@Anon at 12:13. That conclusion is likely correct NOW. She wasn’t writing this today. She was writing this last July. The risk calculus at the time was completely different than it is now, both because of positivity/community rates but also because of evidence we have now about how common severe cases of COVID are in children.
Anon says
So few people were standing up for “whiny privileged” women who bore the brunt of the pandemic and saw the true impact of virtual learning and isolation on their kids. That’s what I like about her work. She acknowledges realities that other people dismiss, experiences that are central for women but ignored by others. (And similar to your comment) so many have basically insisted women should stop complaining and not speak out beyond their own family because public health can only be discussed be experts.
Anonymous says
Yes, if only people considered the views of wealthy white women more, we definitely don’t get enough attention.
Anon says
Uhh we certainly don’t get as much attention as wealthy white men. The point is that the criticisms of Oster are ridiculously gendered, not that her voice deserves to be elevated over WOC.
Anon says
I’m not wealthy or white – and I struggled a lot with school closings. We should have/could have stayed open safely
Anon says
Do you really think that everyone who wanted to send their kids to school were whiny, selfish, privileged parents? I hate that criticism, but I would be interested in hearing about other evidence regarding the safety of school reopening. It’s so hard to pull it all together and whatever your opinion of her, at least she assembles some of it.
Anonymous says
Not everyone, but Oster sure was. She took the focus of the debate away from where it should have been.
Anon says
Where is the idea that lower income parents aren’t eager for schools to reopen coming from? The article keeps saying that but the only source is a teacher who is saying anecdotally many of her students did not come back right away.
I call BS on the claim that this is a privileged women’s problem. The idea that school closures impacted wealthy women the most is nonsense. As with most things, working class families, particularly those whose kids relied on schools for food and meals, were hit the hardest.
Anonymous says
Addressing race but not necessarily income: I’m in NYC, and among public school parents here, white families were much more likely to send their kids back to school for hyrid schooling vs. staying remote. I’m not sure if the calculus would have changed if the “in-person” option was full-time rather than very part-time. Schools fully reopened very late in the year, and at that point switching from remote to in-person meant changing teachers for most kids, and a lot of families opted to stay remote for that reason.
Anon says
I’m pretty sure that there was a race-based correlation everywhere. I live in a very white Midwestern state where schools were open full time in person all year, but there was a virtual option for students who wanted it, and the students who opted for virtual learning were mostly minorities. A few theories I heard are that the virus hit Black and Hispanic communities much harder so their risk calculus was different than white peoples’ and that Black and Hispanic homes are more likely to be multi-generational, which a) adds risk – if grandma lives with your family, you can’t isolate the kids from her – and b) provides an additional caretaker, reducing the burden on working parents.
Io says
It certainly is a dismissive phrasing! It’s really disappointing because the NYTimes is basically a very moderate paper, but since Murdoch bought the Post (the traditionally “liberal” paper in NYC) and the Village Voice folded (the traditionally radical paper) the Times remains the most “left” of the major NYC papers. I really hate it.
Anon says
Yeah I used to love the NYTimes but I feel it has become more extreme. The WSJ is also extreme. Both editorial pages give me indigestion just reading the headlines, let alone the comments section, which is like staring into the dark soul of America. There are so few moderate forums left.
Anonymous says
Agreed, it’s disappointing. WaPo is even worse. I subscribe for the local news, but I preface any commentary about national news that I read there with “I saw in WaPo, which I know is a liberal rag…”
Anon says
I’m a lifelong Times reader but in the last few years, I feel like its editorial liberalism has started seeping into the news coverage in a way that I’m uncomfortable with. A good example: an article a few months back on why many Latino men voted Trump that quoted a bunch of experts citing machismo (which was clearly portrayed as a negative quality) as a reason why those men didn’t want to depend on government benefits and thus would be less receptive to the Democratic platform. It was like the journalist couldn’t imagine a positive reason why someone would not want to receive public assistance.
Anon says
I remember that article too. The bias is so obvious in so many instances. They write about these men like they’re just dumb meatheads who don’t know any better.
Anon says
Haven’t read the article but I couldn’t agree more with your last paragraph. I felt very ostracized in liberal circles for advocating for schools to be open. And guess what, our schools were open all year (with masks and distancing) and zero cases of in-school transmission. But I have yet to hear any experts who were fear-mongering about how schools would cause massive outbreaks publicly admit they were totally wrong about this.
Anonymous says
Yup. I live in NJ which has been very safety focused. There is no excusing the handful of mostly urban high needs schools who didn’t manage to open at all this year which most schools statewide got at least some hybrid instruction. It’s an outrage.
Anon says
Yeah, I also had a change of heart because it seems like schools that opened were fine and not massive sources of outbreaks. Especially during the second half of the year it seemed odd that nobody was citing that and reopening some schools (though others did open).
Anon says
+1 I really appreciated Emily’s voice being out there. I think she was proven right and the experts were proven wrong re schools. And I think mitigating risks is a really important way to look at this – the more schools frame their returns this way the better! Comparisons to seasonal flu were really eye opening to me as well.
Anonymous says
This comment illustrates how Emily Oster fails to advance what she claims to be her own message. The pregnancy and parenting stuff is that we should look at the data coming from the experts and make our own informed decisions. On COVID, the problem is that the experts either failed to step up and look at the evidence, or were ignored. And Oster is being held up as an example of why we should never listen to experts,.
Anon says
Eh that’s true. I shouldn’t have said “experts.” I also think the medical advisory teams for these schools were way too worried about liability and being sued (I am a lawyer). You needed to have an outsider perspective to look at things more in terms of the whole child/whole world.
Anonymous says
I would have preferred they call her “Dr.” Emily Oster — although I’m admittedly not sure if she typically styles herself that way — but that doesn’t bother me as the first line of a news article. It’s journalistic style, more or less; profiles often start with a short, pithy sentence. A recent one that I remember because of how ill-timed it was: “Jason Kilar might have a career as a tour guide if this WarnerMedia chief executive gig doesn’t work out for him.”
I don’t have a strong opinion about her in general and haven’t read her books, but I did appreciate her as a voice for school opening. There was a big liberal echo chamber of virtue signaling and risk aversion around keeping schools closed last year, and I thought she brought valuable data to the table to drive a more critical conversation.
Anon says
I’m a journalist. Our standard style guide prohibits referring to people as Dr unless they’re medical doctors or dentists. NYT has a slightly different style than other newspapers but is presumably the same on that front. I write primarily about PhD scientists and have this argument with people ALL THE TIME because they want me to call them “Dr. So and so” and I can’t. I believe the article is sexist, but not because of the lack of Dr.
Anonymous says
Thanks for this! I didn’t know that, and the kerfuffle about Dr. Jill Biden now makes a lot more sense to me (although the awful op eds a while back about how she didn’t deserve to be called Dr. because she should be happy being Mrs. FLOTUS and her dissertation didn’t contribute to the collective total of human knowledge are still a steaming pile of sexist you-know-what).
Anon says
Yeah I think the Jill Biden thing was some a-hole writing an op-ed about how she doesn’t deserve to be called Dr and that has nothing to do with any style guides. But it is a source of consternation for a lot of PhDs. I write multiple emails every week to angry PhDs explaining why I can’t call them Dr. X.
Anonymous says
My husband the PhD in engineering (and current teacher and former college professor) gives her the side eye because she has an EdD, which he claims all PhDs look down upon. I am guessing engineers are worse than most though, because in my limited experience (a glut in my immediate family), they all think they are smarter than the rest of us anyway.
Anonymous says
I have a JD and work with social science PhDs. All PhDs look down on all other types of Ds, but most especially on EdDs.
Anon says
Emily Oster could have been referred to as “Professor.”
I’m an engineer/J.D. married to a Ph.D. and we both side-eye Ed.D.s calling themselves “Dr.,” especially outside of professional settings.
Anon says
You don’t refer to people as Professor X in newswriting either. With very rare exceptions (“President Joe Biden”) titles don’t go in front of names. The correct way to describe her according to AP Style is “Emily Oster, professor of economics at Brown University.”
Anon says
This was a reply to the Anon at 1:06 saying she should have been called Prof Oster.
Anon says
I’m the Anon at 1:06, and I am far more careful with my word choice than you are giving me credit for.
I explicitly did not say that Oster “should” be called “Professor Emily Oster.” I said that she *could* be called “Professor,” which would mean that “Emily Oster, a professor of economics…” is an option. That option was not used, which is why many of us think that the criticism of her is gendered.
Anonymous says
The article does refer to her as “Dr. Oster.” The first line calls her “Emily Oster, an economist at Brown University. …” I don’t see what the quibble is here?
AwayEmily says
Well put. I think the criticisms of her are INCREDIBLY gendered. If a male economist was advocating for keeping schools open, nobody would say that he was doing it just to “assuage his Daddy guilt” (in fact, Paul Krugman advocated for opening schools and closing bars, *just like she did*). She’s taking the evidence and drawing conclusions. Sometimes her conclusions will be wrong, because sometimes science gets things wrong. And sometimes she might have a different risk calculation than me (for example, I am way more pro-epidural than her based on my reading of the relative risks). But I’ve been surprised by how ready people are to dismiss everything she says (and her as a person/scholar) just because they disagree with one part of it, and I think her gender has a lot to do with it.
Anonymous says
I don’t always agree with her, but I do appreciate that she keeps harping on risk analysis and how we evaluate risks. The risk assessment will be different for everyone, but I think a lot of the media’s discussion of COVID did not talk about comparing different risks and didn’t really help people make their own risk assessments.
AwayEmily says
YES, totally. I really appreciate that approach, both with the COVID stuff and with her books, including Expecting Better, which I think people read as more prescriptive than it actually is….I see it as her presenting a bunch of information and then letting people make their own decisions. I think folks get held up by the fact that the book ALSO says what she herself did, and they read that as “here’s what you should do” rather than as the result of her own personal risk calculation.
Anonymous says
Her writing is often very prescriptive. She does not purport to write only for herself. She regularly says public health recommendations are wrong for the public, not just for her family.
AwayEmily says
I was talking about Expecting Better, not her COVID stuff. Sorry, perhaps I wasn’t clear. And I definitely am not saying she’s “writing only for herself”….that wouldn’t make sense for a book specifically designed to summarize empirical evidence to help women make decisions.
Anonymous says
No, she specifically says that some pregnancy recommendations are wrong for everyone, including those where there is virtually no tradeoff for the mother (e.g., avoiding alcohol).
AwayEmily says
I think your misreading is a common one. Saying “there is not strong evidence that X affects Y” is not the same as saying “everyone should do X” or even “the recommendations about X are wrong.” She’s describing the evidence. Then YOU can take from that what you will. And yes, this is a very different approach from how many (though not all) doctors treat women, which is just to tell you “here is what you should do.” I prefer her approach, but I can see why many people just want to be given blanket rules, both for pregnancy and for COVID.
Anonymous says
She leaves out the cost-benefit part of the cost-benefit calculation, though. Even if there’s not strong evidence that small amounts of alcohol during pregnancy are harmful, there is strong evidence that too much alcohol is and there isn’t really a bright line between what’s pretty safe and what’s pretty dangerous. This means the potential benefit of avoiding alcohol is very large. On the other hand, there is virtually zero cost to mothers in avoiding alcohol while pregnant. Of all the things women are asked to give up for the sake of their children–bodily integrity, personhood, career advancement–nine months of drinking is the very smallest sacrifice.
Anonymous says
Sorry, she leaves out the cost part.
AwayEmily says
It sounds like you made a thoughtful decision that was right for you. As she says: “You may decide you want to follow the national recommendations, and that’s fine.” It’s what I did, it’s what many people did. I was very glad to have the evidence laid out so clearly so that I could make an informed decision.
Anon Lawyet says
I didn’t drink during pregnancy and actually find her a bit annoying because I feel like she writes only for people exactly like her. In Expecting Better, that was upper middle class white straight married women who got pregnant youngish. Like you can see that even in her dismissive comments about how the miscarriage statistics are skewed because IVF pregnancies miscarry so often as if of course her readers wouldn’t have to worry about it. But I think the reason she gets so much traction – and what I actually do appreciate – is that she assumes women can evaluate risk and come to their own conclusion and virtually nobody else does that. Look at basically everyone else in the parenting space – you MUST do this for sleep, you MUST feed your baby this way, you MUST never look at soft cheese while pregnant.
I wish her critics would borrow that part of her approach and put out the data and analyses they think are better for people to evaluate rather than just attack her.
Anon says
I think it’s very dismissive to say there’s zero cost to going without alcohol for nearly a year every time you have a kid. For you, maybe. For me, as well, so I gave it up completely while pregnant. But presumably not every woman feels the same way. I know it’s not a perfect analogy but it would have been an enormous sacrifice for me to give up chocolate for 9 months, and if the recommendations around chocolate were similar to the current alcohol recommendations, I almost certainly would have had it in limited quantities throughout my pregnancy. Also, not every woman gives up her bodily integrity, personhood and career advancement to have a child. I’m sorry that you feel that you did.
Anon says
Agree with Anon at 1:52 pm. There is a lot of “oh it’s just this one thing that you have to do for your kid, you’re such a horrible mother if you can’t,” and by the time you’re done meeting everyone’s expectations, grounded in risk analysis or not, you feel like an incubator.
Speaking to the way I am wired, I find it enormously stressful when I already have limited options and no control over my body, and people then go and rip away even more options “because you’re already sacrificing so much.” Actually, those things are now MORE important to me because it’s about all I have left, even if it would have been trivial in another context.
Pregnancy can be a lousy experience. If a woman’s coping mechanism is a small glass of wine every Friday night during her third trimester, I’m not going to get up in her face about it.
Anon says
Yeah, I read multiple pregnancy books written by medical professionals that said there was no evidence epidurals are safe. At the time, I felt confused like, could this harm my baby? Am I selfish to want pain relief? Even my birthing class didn’t discuss whether it was ok. Millions of epidurals have been performed! There is data! We don’t have to ignore the subject like it’s a new controversial treatment. So many resources for women refuse to dive into really important topics like risk analysis and leave women in the dark. Emily goes there. That’s what I appreciate.
Anonymous says
Where on earth on you reading that it’s a controversial thing? The ACOG has a whole page explaining the options – https://www.acog.org/womens-health/faqs/medications-for-pain-relief-during-labor-and-delivery
I had two epidural free births by choice but I never encountered the suggestion that they are dangerous. More likely to lead to further interventions, yes but that’s not inherently bad either.
Oster likes to seem cool by acting like she knows something that others don’t and that somehow the data is SO confusing that she’s the only one that can sort through it. Basically every medical association has publicly available guidelines that explain risks and benefits. Public Health experts know what they are doing. It’s not like they don’t understand or use stats all the time.
Anon says
The book Newborn 101, written by an RN and IBCLC with a forward by an MD. It says the research is inconclusive about the “effects of an epidural on baby.”
Anon says
+1
Anon says
I encountered that as well in “The Nursing Mother’s Companion,” which is a well regarded book written by a RN and recommended by my OB. Even the birthing class I took at the hospital had a chunk of time that discussed drawbacks of getting an epidural.
Anonymous says
I can’t believe that anyone in the medical establishment is arguing against epidurals. My experience was that epidurals were aggressively encouraged as a way to simplify things for the medical staff.
Anon says
@Anon at 10:50 when did you last give birth? Things have changed a lot in the last 10 years.
Anon says
@Anon at 10:50am – how do epidurals simply things for the medical staff? I’ve only given birth once (no epidural, by choice) and I didn’t experience any pushback at all from the medical staff. Large hospital adjacent to a major city.
Anon @ 10:50 says
About a decade ago, in the south. At the “meet the doctors” event, one of the doctors from my OB practice made a disparaging remark about women who wasted her time by “Lamazing it.” I got a lot of pushback from the nurses and the doctor on call for not wanting an epidural when they had no medical reason they could cite for suggesting one, and one of the nurses tried to give me narcotics without my consent. It was just assumed that you’d get an epidural and labor quietly and obediently on your back instead of demanding inconvenient things such as the tub and changes of position. I sure hope things have changed to favor informed choice, but not in the direction of doctors’ and nurses’ asserting the epidurals are not proven to be safe.
Anon says
@Anon at 10:50. Oh, wow. I’m sorry you had that experience. I gave birth last year (big city adjacent) in a large hospital, and had zero pushback about my desire to birth without pain medication. The nurses were very supportive (and complimentary, in fact, about how well I did), and although the doctor on call was a bozo it wasn’t because of that. Although he did try and start stitching me up without a local b/c he assumed I had an epidural (WHY, I will never know – I labored sitting on a birth ball up until it was time to push, stood up in front of him to climb back up to the table to push, I told him/the nurses each time I felt a contraction coming and was about to start pushing, etc), so I guess the % of women getting an epidural is much higher at that hospital than the % who don’t.
Anon says
@anon 10:50
How people view epidurals is actually wrapped up in class and politics. The natural birthing movement is most popular among liberal, wealthy white educated women. I’m not surprised medical professionals in the south did not adhere to that ideology a decade ago, but in other parts of the country now, women deal with the opposite pressure to avoid epidurals and breastfeed exclusively.
Anon says
Different Anon, but I’ve given birth three times in the last six years (most recently in April) at two different hospitals, and everyone has seemed shocked by my giving birth with no drugs. My most recent nurse said she was momentarily surprised that I could walk after delivery because her patients almost always get epidurals. I would say I’ve received the opposite messaging, that I’m crazy for choosing pain and I’ll probably cave and get meds. It’s normal to explain documented risks of procedures (vs more nebulous benefits) in medicine, though, so maybe that’s where the negative perception comes from?
Anon @ 10:50 says
Oh, there was still pressure to BF exclusively. From the nurses, the lactation consultant at the hospital, the pediatrician, the OB. Basically, there was pressure to do anything that negated the mother’s identity and needs as a person.
Anonymous says
The “natural birth” movement has very very strong ties to fundamentalist Christianity and the early proponents of the movement had very particular thoughts about women’s roles and biblical sin. It’s fascinating to me because my mom had extremely strong feelings about avoiding epidurals when aging her kids and is very far from a fundamentalist Christian, but the origins of the movement had been obscured by that point. I’m forgetting some of the books I’ve read on this topic but will repost if I can remember today. Understanding that history – which also extends to some of the focus on breastfeeding – helped me make my own decisions based on actual science. You know what? I had a terrible epidural experience with my second (bad reaction to narcotics that were part of it) but I was still glad I was making care decisions for myself, my baby was safe and I could feel just fine to push, and I wasn’t feeling pain just to feel it atone for Eve’s sin.
Anonymous says
I don’t remember ever receiving a message that epidurals are unsafe, but I do think that there is a disconnect in how many scientists and medical professionals provide information and how the general public prefers to consume information. Science is all about the details of how variables interact and produce slightly different outcomes, and it’s at odds with human nature’s shortcut of categorizing and generalizing. Public health messaging needs to translate small individual differences in outcomes to the big differences when those are multiplied at scale, while also disaggregating the data enough to be meaningful for specific populations. That’s just a lot for people to wrap their brain around as casual observers. Effective messaging and risk communication is incredibly important, because better messaging often wins over better science. I am not expert enough in any of her topics to call Oster’s analysis into question, but she wins on messaging.
Anonymous says
Doctors present information very differently from scientists. Doctors either say “do exactly this” or they say “it’s up to you” and provide no information to guide the decision. Scientists provide nuance.
Anon says
Yes, exactly. I feel like people look at her, see that she’s a she, and decide that she MUST be super-duper emotional about this, rather than someone who is bringing a systematic, structured, numerical framework to fields that often lack it. Whether it’s obviously imparting emotions onto her work via “mommy guilt,” or more in a more subtle fashion by complaining that she’s only advocating for privileged white women, it’s all a means of pretending that she’s not incredibly analytical.
AwayEmily says
Note also the word “hysterics” used about her in a comment earlier in this thread. The gendered component to all this is horrifying.
Anonymous says
If you actually read her writing especially from early in the pandemic, it was not at all analytical. It was emotional. If a man had written the same words, it would still have been emotional.
Anon says
I did read her writing and did not find it to be emotional.
Anon says
I actually disagree with a lot of what Emily Oster says, about both Covid and pregnancy, but I didn’t find her writing to be emotional either and I totally disagree that anyone would ever describe a man’s writing as “emotional” even if it was. That’s an incredibly gendered word that is almost exclusively applied to women.
Anon says
I have put very little credence in anything Emily Oster says after I realized that her alcohol in pregnancy recommendations were so far detached from medicine and science. But the article–that opening line!–is just bad. So disappointing from the Times.
Anon says
this is my thoughts on her exactly. i have yet to meet a doc whose alcohol in pregnancy recs match hers. though don’t like the way that line references her.
Anonymous says
On this issue, Oster is wrong because she’s wrong and did lazy, sloppy work. The only problem with the criticism is that it’s gendered instead of focusing on exactly why and how she is wrong. She’s also a publicity hound, which is unattractive in a man or a woman.
For an example of effective science communication, look to Lynsey Marr.
Anon says
This this just sounds like an ad hominem attack. It’s amazing to me how nasty people are to this academic and author.
Anonymous says
It should be perfectly acceptable to criticize anyone, man or woman, for being wrong and for engaging in sloppy data collection and analysis, or for being more interested in becoming a celebrity than in promoting informed debate.
Anon says
Yep still nasty. You don’t get it.
Anonymous says
Nope, you are the one who doesn’t get it. We don’t owe Oster blind loyalty just because she’s a woman.
Anon says
You are just using personal attacks to criticize her – lazy, sloppy, attention-seeking. This isn’t a thoughtful disagreement. You are throwing around generic hurtful adjectives. That’s why you are being nasty and totally unconvincing at the same time.
Anonymous says
Epidemiologist here. Saying Oster used sloppy methodology or did sloppy work isn’t a personal attack. We use that phrasing all the time when critiquing other people’s research. No one’s saying that she’s a sloppy person.
Anonymous says
4:27, I don’t think anyone else in this discussion is familiar with academic debates. “Sloppy” is about as tame as it gets, ha.
life in Austria says
I was really upset by the article, and associated comments, and to me they just reminded me why I , an educated woman with a lot to contribute to the world, just shuts up and doesn’t share – because when you’re brave, you get attacked. I have read her books, and her newsletter. I haven’t followed her covid stuff in detail but generally agreed with it because, I live in a country where SCHOOLS WERE SAFELY KEPT OPEN! Because they were prioritized. I love her approach of looking at the data, and learning to assess risk. I think she brings a lot to the table that no one else at the time was bringing. And I think her pregnancy stuff has been wildly wildly mischaracterized (no, she doesn’t say it’s ok to drink as much as you want!, she does say, a small glass of wine occasionally can probably be metabolized by your liver before it enters your bloodstream. And clearly presents what is known and unknown and what studies do and don’t show. ) I’m an engineer, and the say doctors talk to me often drives me a little nuts – I want to know the relative risks, the flowcharts of possibilities, the decision making matrix – and she’ the rare person who speaks to people like me.
Batgirl says
But our country did not prioritize schools. And the evidence was not there when she made the claim that they could safely reopen. In fact, she didn’t even pretend to lie on unbiased evidence. Her early pieces were based on a handful of camps and schools that found her web form and sent her their data. Data that was not based on randomized testing, but on which kids were symptomatic, got tested, and got a positive COVID test. Not at all scientific.
Anon says
+1
Anon says
Agreed.
GCA says
+1.
Anonymous says
IME people who don’t know anything about social science are the ones who love Oster. Actual social scientists are way ahead of her in their own thinking and have little patience for her.
Anon says
Evidence, please.
Anonymous says
I am confused. The NYT article was very favorable to Oster.
Pogo says
We’re getting close to hiring a PT nanny/driver for the kiddos to help with the COVID-hours crunch, and it is really lifting my spirits. Also, the baby has started sleeping through the night on his own and once my b00bs catch up, I can’t imagine how well-rested I’ll feel!
Realist says
Yay!!!
anne-on says
We are literally 3 days into summer camp and alllll the reasons that I HATE being a working mom in summer are front and center again. I hate the later drop offs and no bus option. I hate the extra laundry (though, fine, kiddo is active so I’ll deal). I hate the no after care option. I hate feeling like I am constantly turning down playdates from the moms who just chill at the pool all summer. I hate that my team doesn’t seem to get that no, there is no 8-6 all summer long make your kid quietly vanish option for care. I hate that my husband is starting to go back into the office which means a lot less (unpaid) help for pickups/dropoffs.
I miss when daycare would just turn into ‘summer camp’ (regular daycare plus water play but otherwise exactly the same schedule). I realize I’m romanticizing, but it just seemed like my teacher mom who let us hang out all summer and loosely supervised our backyard pool playdates along with providing snacks had it so.much.easier.
Anon says
Don’t hate me, but our school district actually does offer a 6:30 – 6 drop off and play all summer long camp option, by the same staff who run the before and after school programs at the public schools. Our local PTA specifically started recruiting working moms (and dads!) a few years ago and it has had excellent results – no more mandatory parent events at 2:30 p.m.; no more ‘homemade only’ bake sales … and most notably, reliable and decent year-round care options for the elementary and middle school kids that work for working parents.
anne-on says
I am SO jealous. Our town is great, but (like many suburban towns) still relies heavily on the model of ‘one parent stays at home’ to justify things like the absurd hours for PTA meetings, etc. Frankly, ANY camp is an improvement over last year when it wasn’t an option, but still, UGH.
Anonymous says
The information packet for our county parks and rec day camp, which runs 9:00 – 2:00, specifically states that the day camp is not intended to replace child care.
Anon says
Where do you live? I would like to move there. Seriously.
Anon says
Twin cities, close-in suburb.
Anon says
commiseration. my kids are still little enough that I have full time childcare help but I still feel major FOMO and mom guilt of all the moms living out at the beach all summer while my kid is stuck at home / doing classes and I’m staring at a screen all day.
Clementine says
Being a working mom in a world that’s still built assuming one stay at home parent is HARD.
One thing that’s really helped me was making sure that I take the first week of summer vacation off. We get that ‘summer vacation experience’. It just… it psychologically helps me to have that week where we don’t go anywhere and instead just… go to the pool and go out to breakfast on a whim and all that.
Anonymous says
Summer is really hard. I have no advice, but just constantly feel like I fail my child in summer in some way. Logically I know that is not true at all. But it is still so hard.
anon says
Have you considered getting an au pair? We do less expensive summer camps so we can fit an au pair into our budget. She covers before and after school, most sick days, all school holidays, and a chunk of the summer when the kids aren’t in day camps. I think it gives my kids a semi SAHM experience without me actually staying home.
Anon says
where i live, there are camps at JCC and YMCA that cover everything. but yes it is very very stressful
Mary Moo Cow says
Commiseration. Our oldest just finished K, and while I thought I was prepared for it, I was wrong. I misjudged. DH planned to watch her 2 days a week, she would spend 2 days a week at grandparents, and we would tag team it one day a week because he has a flexible schedule and I’m still WFH. Little Sister would be in daycare full time. I didn’t think that was enough, so I signed her up for 2 weeks of day camp. She hated it; she was so miserable I went ahead and withdrew her from the second week (and, FWIW before someone chimes in that sticking it out build character, I wasn’t happy with the camp, either. Miscommunication, poor running, etc.) Turns out, hanging with Dad and Grandparents has been fantastic. I’ve been feeling terrible that the first 4 classmates I talked to are hanging out at home/neighborhood pool with their babysitters. My mom was a teacher, too, and that was my childhood — neighborhood pool every day, with lunch and 3-2-1 Contact at home before heading back to the pool. I just want to put my head down and cry. Or quit my job.
anon says
I feel this to my core. The laundry is killing me, my schedule is a mess, and my older kid b!tches about all the things I’m paying good $$ for him to do (because what’s other other option)? DH is helpful in getting the kids places but that’s about it; I’m doing all the packing of all the things.
Anonymous says
Ugh I’m just whining about our plumbing for a minute. We live in a condo, and we got a plumber out to look at our backed-up toilet earlier this week. He said our plumbing is fine but there must be a clog in the building’s main line. Our building management has not returned any of my calls, and now there is sewage leaking into our tub!! I am about to go camp out by their office so I can talk to them in person. I don’t want to get our plumber back out here just to say it’s a building problem he can’t fix again. Thinking of calling my homeowner’s insurance.
octagon says
Sewage backing up into your tub is a health emergency and they should treat it as such. Definitely go camp out by the condo office. If it’s a clog in the main line, it will happen to your neighbors before long.
Nonnymouse says
Yep. Have learned way too much about main sewer lines in cities this year. I’d give the condo management this morning to respond but you could also contact your water company about a back up. They can come out and clear the main line. It might get a quick response from condo management once water/sewer company involved.
Anonymous says
Thanks all, I finally got in contact with my building management and they agreed it’s an emergency and are sending a plumber out.
Anon says
My 3 year old has figured out how to unbuckle her chest clip on her car seat when she’s mad. Obviously if we’re heading somewhere fun like the zoo, the natural consequence is we turn around and go home, but when we’re going to school that isn’t really an acceptable solution – it would penalize me and give her exactly what she wants. Any brilliant solutions? And please don’t say avoiding meltdowns in the first place. We try, but she’s spirited and sometimes they’re inevitable.
Anonymous says
Have you tried a chest clip guard? There are a bunch of options if you google “kid unbuckles seat belt”
AwayEmily says
Oooo, that’s a tough one in terms of natural consequences. My (admittedly somewhat of a stretch) approach would be to say “you’re showing me that you’re not old enough to handle being in a carseat. That means you’re also not old enough to [do thing she likes doing that requires some maturity.]” What goes in the square brackets will depend on your kid — my 3yo LOVES climbing in and out of the carseat by himself, so threatening to take that away (“Mama will have to put you in instead of letting you climb in yourself”) would work for us.
Clementine says
I was struggling with this and found this article really helpful. We did the button up shirt thing a few times and the kid ‘got’ that it wasn’t fun or funny.
https://thecarseatlady.com/houdini-2/
Aunt Jamesina says
Anybody have any maternity clothing recommendations? I feel like all I’m finding is stretch jersey in weird synthetic fabrics, and the only patterns seem to be either solid, grandma florals, or the occasional Breton stripe. Help! I tend to go for tailored classics with a bit of an edge, and definitely prefer natural fibers when possible.
Anon says
Did I miss something? Congrats!! But yeah maternity clothing is generally cheaply made because it doesn’t need to last more than a year. I had a few Seraphine dresses I really loved but I have no idea if they’re natural fibers or not. I honestly bought very little in the way of maternity clothes ( besides the dresses just two pairs of jeans, several tank tops, a few sweaters and leggings) but my office is casual and I was able to WFH quite a bit even before the pandemic. I have no idea what you do if you’re pregnant in a business formal office.
Aunt Jamesina says
Thank you! I’m in a business casual workplace (that has become more casual post-pandemic) and am now in-person. I do have a few events per year where business formal is needed. After a year of wearing super casual things at home I’m sick of wearing the really casual, unstructured stuff. I’m trying not to buy much, but even looking for a decent pair of dress pants has left me empty-handed! All of them seem to be black and ponte knit.
Anonymous says
Yeah dress pants are just not really a thing. Especially if you want maternity and natural fibers. Sometimes ya just gotta wear the clothes available!
Anon says
I was pleasantly surprised by Gap this year…but caveat that I was pregnant in the fall/winter so can’t speak to summer clothes
Aunt Jamesina says
I’m due in December, so the bulk of it will be fall/winter. I’ll keep an eye out, thank you!
Anon says
+ 1 to Gap. I found some good maternity work pants there. The tops were decent. I mainly wore a few maternity tops, pants, and a sweater.
anonamama says
If I recall correctly, Maternity Monday’s dress was a bamboo blend? I found that Pea in the Pod had the nicest blouses/tops and Seraphine for dresses. I picked up a Kimi & Kai dress for my SIL and thought that was nice, too. I think the small shop Layton may have some chic maternity/nursing options. Slim pickings when it comes to being pregnant and stylish. Congrats!!
Aunt Jamesina says
Thank you!
Anon says
Isabella Oliver?
Anon says
If you’re in the Bay Area, Mom’s the Word is a great shop. They also have a website.
anon says
I tried to mostly use non-maternity clothes that could accommodate my belly. When/if that didn’t work, I tried Gap for basics. Hatch just did a collab with Target and also with Jcrew, both had good work clothes options. Storq was good for basics that could be dressed up if needed. I guess it depends on your work environment. I did a lot of loose dresses, too.
Aunt Jamesina says
Yeah, I think I’m going to try to make as much of my regular wardrobe work for as long as I can. I saw a few of those Hatch options earlier.
As a related aside, why do maternity and nursing clothing/item brands have the stupidest names? Hot Milk, Hatch, My Breast Friend. I don’t want punny references to animal gestation or boobs in my apparel brands! I also don’t want to wear a shirt that says “Mama” on it. Apparently I hate everything.
Anon says
Can she undo buttons? It’s a pain, but button up a shirt on top of the carseat straps means she can’t undo it.
HSAL says
Stealing the idea from above, any recs for South Haven, MI in July? Kids are 5 and 3. We’ll have plenty of beach time but am looking for a few other activities. I’m thinking a sand dune ride and blueberry picking. Any good boat excursions? Zoos/animal parks? Up to driving about an hour away for something fun.
Anon says
No specific recs for South Haven but southwest Michigan is really fun in the summer! Enjoy!! The kids would probably enjoy blueberry picking. I took my 3 year old strawberry picking a couple weeks ago at home and it was a huge hit.
Anonymous says
It’s been a loooong time since I’ve been to South Haven, but a stop at Sherman’s for ice cream is a must. If Kids Corner playground is still around, I loved it when I was that age, but ymmv as that was 30+ years ago.
HSAL says
We’re staying about a block away from the playground so hoping it’s still good!
Anonymous says
One of the hosts of The Mom Hour podcast lives in St. Joe, which is half hour from South Haven, and they had a whole episode on Sunday about going to the beach.
HSAL says
Thank you! I’ll check that out.
Anonymous says
Silver beach in St. Joe has a splash pad, old timey carousel, and a beautiful beach.
Waffles says
How do you teach your child, “grit”?
All answers appreciated. Thanks!
Anonymous says
If by grit you mean the ability to persevere through a challenging task, I learned it through swimming and ballet and my kids are learning it through soccer, Girl Scouts, and violin. Something they like that takes hard work to get better at.
Waffles says
Yes, that’s what I mean. Thanks.
It seems like self-direction combined with delayed gratification.
I can see how a parent could encourage that without too much interference.
Anon says
Probably not a popular opinion, but I believe grit is largely predetermined by genetics. By all means do the right things, allow your kids to fail, don’t coddle them, etc, but how resilient your kids actually turn out to be doesn’t have that much to do with parenting imo.
Spirograph says
This is an interesting perspective, and my knee-jerk reaction was to disagree but now that I’m thinking about it a little more… there are significant resilience differences in my kids and I *think* I parent them mostly the same.
I agree that allowing kids to fail (and to fail repeatedly at the same thing) is the biggest thing you can do. Also getting them hooked on something that takes a long time and a lot of work to master, but they’re motivated to do well. Extra points if you don’t bend over backward to remove any logistical hurdles for them, or at least invite them to problem solve how they can offset the financial or time impact.
Anonymous says
I have to agree with this. We did all the right things–providing appropriate challenges, praising effort rather than innate ability or results, teaching problem-solving skills–and none of it did any good. For some kids I think you have to involve a therapist.
Anon says
Eh, bad parenting can destroy grit pretty fast.
Anonymous says
This doesn’t mean that good parenting can instill grit where none exists.
Anon says
Yeah maybe I phrased the original comment poorly. I don’t disagree that bad parenting can destroy grit. But I don’t think good parenting can create it in kids who are inherently sensitive perfectionists. I’m not gritty. I never will be. My parents didn’t do anything wrong, it’s just not who I am. My mom has a lot of grit and raised me almost exactly how she was raised so I just don’t buy that parents can make gritty children by parenting the right way.
Aunt Jamesina says
The common threads I notice in the grittier adults in my life are confidence and tempered optimism. No idea how to teach that, tho!
Anon says
It helps to model grit.
For instance, my kids are taking piano lessons and initially melted down when songs were hard. I am not a great pianist, but dug into my childhood skills and started practicing songs too from my own lesson book. It help for my kids to hear me make mistakes and then go back and practice those passages.
At dinner, we also tell stories about hard things at work and how we solved the problem instead of giving up.
Anonymous says
I thought piano lessons would teach my child grit. I was wrong. I have a degree in music performance and regularly practice within my child’s hearing. I tried to teach her how to practice. She still melted down every time she couldn’t sight-read a piece perfectly. We finally gave up on piano lessons when practice devolved into a daily scream-fest. This experience and similar ones convinced me that grit is just not teachable. It’s an innate personality characteristic.
Anon says
Was she being pushed too hard too quickly? When my daughter starts resisting, we step back to easier music where she can feel very successful and then work back up to harder music.
It’s the same with reading and math. Constant resistance means it’s too hard and she’s struggling. We step backwards and work back up, or break down the assignment into easier chunks.
Anon Lawyer says
I mean, honestly I imagine being a rank beginner when your mom is a professional and appears to be doing what you struggle with effortlessly might be hard in its own right? Maybe there are other examples but seems hard to assume your kid has no inborn grit beside they didn’t take to piano.
Anonymous says
I agree, it’s a tough dynamic. If the kid doesn’t already love what they’re striving for, playing catch-up behind a parent or sibling can be demoralizing. I didn’t do a performance degree, but I play that level of repertoire and no matter how much I talk about how I was a beginner once, too, or how much he hears me practice, my son is frustrated by the difference between what he’s trying to learn and what I play, and breaks down in tears quickly with me re: piano. He doesn’t have the same reaction to my non-musician husband’s encouragement.
(12:09, I started in Suzuki method, switched to a teacher who taught traditional around age 7 or 8 and ended up quitting for a year because the emphasis on reading music and sight-reading was hugely frustrating compared to just learning to play music expressively and in a way that sounded pleasing. Maybe a different pedagogical approach would help, IF you want to try to get her back into it.)
Clementine says
Start with secure attachment, add in opportunities to build confidence, model examples of adults failing and trying again, and hope for a big dose of ‘they have one of those personalities!’
Anonymous says
Interesting. My only answer is that this comes with time. They finally need to find something they care about enough to keep trying at. Then you can remind them of it as an example. Super random, but my kiddo was determined to learn how to snap her fingers when she was 4. She tried constantly for 3 weeks and finally mastered it. Obviously some things will take much longer, but we try reminding her of that example a lot. Whistling was very similar. Apparently, my child really only cares about making extraneous noise, lol.
Anon says
Sharing this because it was eye-opening for me, not to shame anyone…I follow an Instagram account called Antiracist Education Now and they included the word “grit” in a post on problematic teaching words. According to this, “grit” is something that comes from trauma and survival (often over the course of generations). It is perhaps idealized by whites, but is something minorities sadly have been forced to develop.
The whole post was really interesting (for me as an upper middle class white woman.) I know what you mean by your question, but we’ve had lots of convos here about the power imbued by certain words so wanted to share.
Anonymous says
I agree with this. And frankly we idealize people overcoming traumatic situations but the reality is that trauma is just something to be endured/survived and the effects last a lifetime. And there’s nothing “wrong” with a person who has endured actual trauma being insecure, more sensitive, cautious, etc…this is a common response to trauma.
Anonymous says
Thanks for this, I couldn’t put my finger on why I was uncomfortable with the question. I see it “grit” as distinct from resilience, and (as an upper middle class white woman) I think it’s hard for white, healthy, stable, financially-advantaged people to encourage it because I do associate it with overcoming trauma. Whether that’s the chronic trauma of living as a person of color in a racist society, or of being unhoused or financially insecure, or experiencing a traumatic event, there’s not a “nice” way to acquire grit. It’s a good attribute, but it comes at a high cost and I wouldn’t want my kids to be in a situation where they were forced to develop it (although certainly, it’s better than the alternative).
Anonymous says
I think these are all great answers, and something I’ve really observed lately is that kids who did hard physical things as children (organized sports or just hiking with family), or even did hard physical labor by helping out parents with their businesses (lawn care, etc…) have a hard work ethic and grit. I’d also say my parents let me fail a lot at physical stuff (I’m not coordinated) and I’m a born optimist/happy person, and this has turned into me having a lot of resilience. The only thing that really created a speed bump in my life was an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship in college…but, yeh of course it screwed me up for a bit. My husband did a lot of physical labor as a child and is also in the reserves and is an incredibly hard worker and resilient.
Strollerstrike says
No advice but Angela Duckworth has written about the topic extensively, if you google her name plus kids plus grit a lot of articles show up.
(Not linking to avoid mod)
Strollerstrike says
Obviously meant in reply to main threat…
anon says
I have no idea. I have one kid who melts down when challenged, despite our many many efforts over the years. He’s headed into middle school and it’s frankly terrifying. The only thing that has really seemed to work is him having an activity that he enjoys despite the challenges. For him, it’s music. Every other activity has resulted in lots of whining and not much in the way of grit, or learning for that matter.
IDK. We have really, really tried to give him age-appropriate challenges, praise him for effort, all that happy crap. He’s very bright and hasn’t had to work too hard yet to get good grades.
Having trouble tolerating discomfort is definitely a facet of how his ADHD manifests. And it’s partially an anxiety-driven reflex. We’re working on it with a therapist, but he has regressed during the pandemic. Let’s just say that virtual therapy for a kid is a joke. If I sound bitter, it’s because I am.
Anonymous says
I think my parents would have thought I lacked grit as a child, but I have it as an adult.
anon says
Is anyone considering contingency plans for in person school in the fall? We live in an extremely COVID-conservative district and are concerned that elementary schools aren’t going to open in the fall for in person learning given the delta variant. Right now the school district hasn’t made any announcements, but rumors are starting.
There aren’t private schools with openings in our area, so our options would be to rent in another state and commute or to sell and move.
Anon says
Wow, that’s crazy. Our local schools (red state but blue-ish county) just announced no masks required in the fall, which seems crazy in the other direction. There’s a happy medium here, people!
Anonymous says
This is the exact situation I was in a year ago, and I just got on the wait lists of a bunch of private schools. Some required an application fee ( <$100), but it was worth it to me to feel like I'd done something and wasn't trapped in a corner with no options. We ended up getting a spot in one of the private schools, and it worked out really well. I would try that before considering the more nuclear options you mention.
Anon says
Renting a house for the school year would likely cost much less than private school for two kids, even if we could get in. I don’t know of any non-religious school that run less than approx 40k / kid.
Anonymous says
It depends on where you live and the grade level, but I could see that. Where we ended up was $22k in a close DC suburb, early elementary, and we found a handful of non-Catholic options around that price point. There were quite a few 30k+, but we didn’t consider those because we needed to pay for two kids and $60k was a bridge too far.
I would weigh the cost in disruption of moving as more “expensive” than just throwing money at a private school without uprooting my established life in my community. I really like my existing home and neighborhood, though, and we are very fortunate that we just had that money and it didn’t *need* to be an either-or. From your follow ups, it sounds like you have a different calculus. I don’t think moving or renting is unreasonable if it will make you happier, but if you are looking only to rent and live there during the week, you probably have some time to wait and see if more firm guidance/plans come out.
Anonymous says
Honestly (and I swear I’m not the anonymous poster with the one sentence replies to stir the pot), I would move. I know that sounds extreme and unrealistic, but I would refuse to continue living in a place with that attitude.
Anonymous says
+1. We aren’t worried that schools won’t open, but we are worried that the district will maintain many of the harmful aspects of on-line learning (e.g., YouTube videos, three-question on-line quizzes that result in automatic failure if you miss one question) once we are back in person because they are keeping the Chromebooks and on-line infrastructure. If this is what ends up happening, we are moving to the next county even if we have to live in a rented apartment.
anon says
This is where the sell and move option comes in. We’re pretty disgruntled, but hesitant to leave our friends and community.
11:48 Anon says
I misread your initial post and now see that you’ve considered this. Can you and your husband work remotely for the schoolyear? What about a rental in a very different location that will likely be in-person all year? Anything like that near family so you’d have some socialization from the get-go? Then plan to go back to your community in a year?
Anonymous says
Is the schools’ refusal to open related to long-term problems that will persist even after reopening? If so, I’d pull off the band-aid and move now.
anon says
I have no idea what things will look like after the pandemic really ends. We had been in a highly respected and affluent, school district that was known for good test scores. Now enrollment is down about 20%, with students and parents fleeing in droves, especially those who are most invested in their children’s education. (For example, my daughter’s grade lost 2 out of 4 class parents.) No one knows if these students will eventually come back.
Teachers have taken the position that they don’t want to teach in person unless there are 14 days with no new cases in the region, which is completely unrealistic even with good regional vaccination rates. Even the few shortened in person days last year had most instruction by iPad with the teachers remaining remote. Like was described above, there was also a complete over reliance on technology to teach. For instance, math instruction was often students being directed to use a math game app on their iPad (which crafty kids without meaningful supervision used to play only games with no math content). The same with reading–another app. Gym was students watching the PE teacher work out on a video from their desks. Students weren’t allowed to participate because it could result in increased aerosols.
The administration has said that they “hope” next year will be “normal” but hasn’t put forward any actual standards or expectations. It could go either direction and may depend strongly on which teacher my kids get. Hence, the need for a contingency plan.
Anonymous says
I think you actually have to live in the rental house to be eligible to attend school?
Anon says
We’d live there during the school week.
Anon for this says
Y’all, I need — something. I don’t even know what. I have a toddler and an older baby. Baby has been sick for two weeks, miserable, not sleeping, and the many doctor’s visits and sleepless nights are taking a huge toll. I’m a wreck and it’s impacting my job and my health and my sanity.
I don’t have anymore leeway at work to take a day off or lean out as I’ve already burned through those options. Honestly my biggest stressor right now is the impact of all of this on my job. I think it’s reached a point where I am going to just have to leave and look for a fresh start to try to erase the past months since my maternity leave. But I’m in no condition to do that at the moment; I can barely get through the day. My husband is great thankfully and does a ton too, but he’s also just worn down.
Throughout the last year, I’ve had this delusion that once things were normal again I would have family help. But the last few weeks, I’ve realized that is just not our reality. Even when help is offered, it doesn’t come through which isn’t really helpful. Is it possible for be a two-parent full time working family without extended family support?
anonamama says
This sounds so hard. I will defer to more seasoned pros, but could you find some mother’s helpers/college/HS kids to sub in where you might ask family? Sounds like the long-term situation with your job might determine the bigger picture here. Do you have a cushion in the event you do need to take a leave of absence or leave entirely? Have you talked to your boss at all? Sending you an internet stranger hug because this sucks and you are shouldering a lot right now.
Anon says
Yes but you have to pay for help. We don’t have family help and both work full-time – I actually think it’s better! Paid help does what you want and is more reliable and it allows our relationships with family to remain stress free. I think a lot of people don’t have family help – at least among people I know. Maybe that’s just because of where I live, but it’s definitely not the norm. I don’t know anyone who relies on it as a primary source of care.
Anon says
+1 you need paid help if you don’t have family help. I disagree that paid help is always better, it really depends on your family dynamics, but it certainly works for people who don’t have family help.
Pogo says
I posted above – I am hiring a PT nanny/driver. She will also do light housekeeping. There are just not enough hours in the day, and I want to be present and happy with my kiddos and not frazzled and stressed. Even though we have “full” time care, realistically DH and I each need to work a full 8-9 hours, plus commute potentially some days of the week, and daycare can’t cover that.
Anon says
What are you using for childcare? We moved from daycare (which resulted in constant illnesses and tough pick up /drop off times) to a nanny. It saved my career.
You need more or better childcare.
OP says
Daycare, which we love for a lot of reasons. But the illness issue is killing us.
Anon says
Constant illness was our biggest issue. We did so much better with home based care (nanny, nannyshare, au pair).
For socialization we later added in half day preschool, but this didn’t result in day care-level illness since fewer people sent their kids to preschool sick.
Anon says
Or your child was older and had a stronger immune system. Or the new school had better hygiene practices. It’s very hard to pinpoint the “why” with any certainty.
anon says
My 4 yo was only one week older when she switched to a nanny + preschool, but the constant debilitating illnesses immediately stopped. The same for our baby.
It could be hygiene practices, but regardless we immediately went from constant illnesses and no backup care, to very few illnesses and a backup nanny who would watch minorly ill kids.
govtattymom says
I am so sorry you are going through this. One thing I have read in several places is that you shouldn’t make any major life choices when you are overwhelmed and exhausted. Is there any way you can put off making a decision on anything until you are fully rested? Also, I’ve found that it is possible to have a two-parent full time working family without extended-family support (if both parents are generally healthy and the jobs have a moderate level of work-life balance). Hang in there!
Realist says
This may not be an option for many reasons, but with that many doctors visits could you take unpaid FMLA? If you have already burned the bridges, what is one more bridge to allow you to take a breath while you figure out your next move. This sounds like it really sucks and that you just need a break and I’m so sorry that option may not be possible.
OP says
Thank you for all of the kind, thoughtful responses. I often feel like no one in my life really understands, so i really appreciate this board!
Anon says
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. If there’s any money you can throw at the problem (night nanny, day nanny, sitter) to get you some sanity, it’s worth it, even if it’s a lot of money. Also, since you’re already at a rough point, don’t worry about asking for a leave of absence. Maybe a few weeks to get additional help and catch up on sleep? It’s also quite possible that if you can get things sorted and go back to your usual quality of work, no one will remember this period/care in a year.
Childcare at this point in my life broke me and I quit biglaw. It was the right decision for me for reasons beyond childcare, but I’m really glad that I tried throwing money at my problems to see if that would work first.
EDAnon says
As an employer (and mom of young kids who sometimes toes the edge of her flexibility and swears my boss is going to be mad!), I would not want you to quit! I don’t know what your job is, but most of my employees can suck their jobs for sometime and still be way more valuable to my organization than someone new. Everyone goes through something and times are more and less disrupted for everyone. For example, I had employees take multiple days off for a sibling with a drug problem or because of their mother’s dementia. I had an employee with three significant family deaths in one year which took her out for a long time each time (plus a lot of mental health days/poor performance days). It happens. If you seriously consider quitting, I would first talk to your boss about how they see your performance and absences. They light not be as upset as you think.
anon says
Where do you all buy toys for your kids? We have some birthdays coming up and I want to shop from a non-Amazon source. Target is good for some things, but doesn’t have it all.
Anon says
I try to avoid toys but when I get them it’s usually at Target. They have a lot of Melissa and Doug, which is my go-to. If there’s something you find on A-zon that you want you can search for the item to see where else you can buy it. I’ve bought Fat Brain Toys directly from that company.
Anonymous says
Congratulations on teaching your children to entertain themselves with a stick and and empty box?
Anon says
Oh wow, clearly I hit a nerve. it wasn’t meant to be a brag. I just prefer to buy books or useful items for kids celebrating birthdays because I enjoy shopping for those things more. We have friends and relatives who send toys so it’s not like my kids have no toys. Also they’re in daycare and we like to get out of the house on weekends so we just really don’t have much need for at-home entertainment. I see how it’s different if you have a nanny or SAHP. Wasn’t meant to be a judgment of anyone!
Anonymous says
Honestly? My kids play with sticks and empty boxes as much or more than they play with any actual toys. “Stick” is literally in the toy hall of fame. I often wonder why I have all this crap in my house.
Anon says
+1 We bought my 3 year old a $400 inflatable waterslide and she was more entertained by the box it came in. She literally played with that giant box for weeks on end and cried when we took it away.
Geoffrey Giraffe says
Fat Brain Toys! I like how they sort by age. Saves me from doing some digging. I also like Busy Toddler’s picks – some of them are from Lakeshore Learning.
Anonymous says
Mindware is one of my favorites. I’ve also found Whole Foods to have some good stuff (they carry Melissa and Doug and other toys with a similar feel)
Aunt Jamesina says
Whole Foods is Amazon!
Anonymous says
haha, fair. I was thinking of “avoid amazon” in the sense of not contributing to the poor working conditions associated with next-day delivery promises rather than just not giving Bezos any money, full stop.
AwayEmily says
Do you have a Once Upon a Child or similar near you? I get a lot of great kids toys there (I don’t buy used for other people’s kids but am fine doing it for my own; they could care less).
Anon says
They couldn’t care less. Sorry, it’s my pet peeve. If they could care less, they do care.
AwayEmily says
I will keep that in mind the next time I post that phrase so I don’t bother you!
Word Nerd says
I think either is correct (at least per Merriam Webster!) It’s a sarcasm / common usage thing I believe.
Anonymous says
omg. It’s one of my pet peeves, too, and while it’s common usage and I don’t correct the grammar of anyone except my immediate family and people on tv shows, I’m very disappointed that a dictionary is not taking a stand which phrase of literal opposites is correct.
Another word nerd says
I looked up the Merriam Webster page and they say it’s an incorrect usage that has become common and is now considered accepted because it’s so widespread. There are other words and phrases where incorrect usages are in the dictionary because they’re so common, so I don’t read it as saying they’re equally correct, just both in widespread use. Another example of this is “champing at the bit” – “chomping” is wrong but has become so widespread it’s now acknowledged as a variant in the dictionary (it wasn’t until recently, though).
The dictionary’s discussion of this is also very confusing because they discuss sentences where the negative is found elsewhere in the sentence (e.g., “It’s impossible I could care less”), which IS grammatically correct. It’s very misleading to equate “I could care less” with “It’s impossible I could care less” because they have opposite meanings.
Anonymous says
PB Kids for play food and kitchen accessories, Green Toys, Fat Brain Toys
Anonymous says
At a real life in person toy store a few towns over or a bookstore.
Anon says
Barnes and Noble has an amazing toy section these days! I love the feeling of browsing a toy store again
Realist says
+1. Local toy stores are the best. Ours does free gift wrapping and are very helpful if you aren’t sure what to get.
Anonymous says
Mindware, Lakeshore Learning. Michael’s for craft kits.
Anon says
I’ve been really impressed with what our local toys stores have. Not big chains, but small mom and pop shops.
Sesame Place says
We’re on the cautious end of the spectrum when it comes to COVID but considering a visit to Sesame Place with our 3 and 5 year olds. My understanding is that no one is really wearing masks there anymore (including young kids), but since we’ve never been, I don’t know how easy it is to keep some physical distance from others. Has anyone been in recent weeks who could report back on what the vibe is now? Thanks!
Anonymous says
Not easy. It’s small, crowded, and a theme park. You’ll be waiting in lines.
Anon says
I don’t understand why you’d do this now. They’ll be vaccinated by next summer and it isn’t like it would be less fun with a 4 and 6 year old so I see no downside to waiting.
OP says
Well, that’s what I’m trying to figure out. Things have varied a lot regionally. Where we live, most kids would be wearing masks in this setting and that + being outdoors would make me feel ok. I literally have no idea how spread out things are or if people ARE putting their unvaccinated kids in masks (which I think is technically required but apparently not done in practice). We’re driving up to visit family and it’s along the way. It’d be great to go since we were going to go last year and already cancelled once, but there’s a lot of variation in the precautions people are or aren’t taking right now.
anonamommy says
We went recently and I regretted it. No one was wearing masks (like I counted 5 other families that were masked, including us). If your kids will want to do any of the water activities, masks are not allowed for those. We were mostly able to keep distance from other people in lines, but knowing about the Delta variant made me antsy. If you go, stake out a place for the parade early (30+ minutes) that will allow you to have good space. We chose a spot on a wall so we could stand high, with a trash can on one side and a tree on the other, so we had a little bit of room.
Anon says
If you think you might want a third I think doing the first two close together is smart – I’d like a bit more space before adding a third (so like maybe 23-28 months or so between 1-2 but more like 3 years between 2-3).
OP says
Thank you, I’ve tried to reply a few times and it keeps disappearing. These are helpful responses – we’ve never been and I’ve heard some conflicting reports as to whether it was packed or a ghost town (likely related to days of the week and school years ending, etc). Looks like we’ll be skipping it yet again! Ugh.
Spacing Out Babies? says
Assuming it’s possible to control these things, is having two kids only 1 year and 9 months apart a terrible idea? My first is about to turn 1 and we’re wondering if we should start trying for a second. We’re in our mid-30s, if that makes a difference. Getting the baby stage done that much sooner is appealing. We’re undecided on a third, it will depend in part on how the second time around goes.
AwayEmily says
Mine were 22 months apart and I wished I’d spaced them more like 2.5 years. The first six months were really, really, really hard.
Anon says
Mine are just under two years apart too, and I’m the poster above who is really struggling.
I wouldn’t say it’s a terrible idea, but it is definitely hard.
Anon says
I think 3 years is the ideal spacing. They’re close enough to play together when they’re older and be in the same general stage of life, but the first year is much more manageable than if you have 2 under 2. Plenty of people do 1.5-2 year spacing though.
Anonymous says
+1. Ours are 2yrs4months apart. Now they’re 4/almost 2 and it’s mostly good. But 3yrs would’ve been good. On the other hand, the 2nd one would’ve been a full on COVID baby then and I’m glad we didn’t have that stress. I personally wouldn’t do two under two, but plenty do!
Anon says
Our kids are 2 years and nine months apart and it’s lovely. Not too close, but they still play well together.
Batgirl says
I think a lot of this depends on how easily you got pregnant the first time and how upset you’ll be if it takes a long time to get pregnant this time around. For us, we didn’t have a choice because I was older and had fertility problems. So we started as soon as I weaned at 12 months (so I could do IVF meds) and ultimately, we had ours almost exactly two years apart. They’re 3 and 5 now and our third baby (fingers crossed this works again) will be about 4 years apart from our youngest. Two years apart was VERY HARD for us. And it was hard for at least 18 months, more like 2 years. Just as it let up, COVID! I also think that it’s nice to have them spread out a bit more so that you get to enjoy the young phases a bit longer and without feeling like your attention is so divided, but I don’t know the other perspective. I think 3 years is ideal, but if I really hated the idea of a 4 year gap, I’d start soonish.
Anonymous says
My first two are 23 months apart and I am very happy with the age spread. They’re now 5.5 and 3.5 and play together really well and are interested in the same things.
Anon for This says
Right 5.5, 2.75, and 15 months.
Just about 2 years, 9 months between k1 and k2, then 18 months between k2 and k3.
2 under 2 is hard. I constantly had to keep k2 from accidentally injuring k3. The gap of just under 3 years though… they’re close enough in age play but my 3 year old wanted to be helpful.
(FWIW, in school they will all fall 1 grade apart. So i will have a kindergartener, 2nd grader, and 4th grader.)
Anon says
The first year will be quite hard, but once they are a little older and start to share interests (3 and 5?) it might be nice. I agree that 2.5-3 years would be my ideal spacing (I have 25 months and 3.5 years gaps with my three). Also, it seems that a grade apart in school is peak competition spacing (anecdotally), so you might want to consider that.
All that said, every baby and sibling dynamic is unique, so if you are feeling ready for a second I wouldn’t necessary try to time it perfectly.
Anonymous says
My brother is 1.5 years older than me, and I remember my mom crying a lot when I was young. She really instilled in me a fear of similar spacing.
Anonymous says
Mine are 21 mos apart, 2 years apart in school. Early days were a blur but I’m glad they’re spaced the way they are. They have enough similar interests to play together, which I wonder if would fade as the age group grows. Mine are now mid elementary, and it’s been good to have a built in playmate, pandemic or otherwise. It took a while to get pregnant for kid one, so we started right away at 1 year for kid 2. Every time is different, and I was pregnant right away.
One thing to keep in mind is my friends are 21 mos apart but only 1 year apart in school, due to where the birthdays fall. If you feel strongly on that it’s something to consider.
Anonymous says
My kids are 13 months apart and it was so, so hard until the youngest turned 3. Even now (5 and 6) it is still hard. What is good is that they always have a built in playmate. I was thankful during the pandemic that they had each other, but it was still super hard.
It might not occur with your age gap being closer to 2 years than 1, but one thing to consider is that if kid 1 needs a later start to school and kid 2 is on track (or ahead) they could end up in the same class. This almost happened to us. Kid was borderline ready for Kindergarten last year. We weighed all the factors, but a heavy consideration was that if he started K late, he would either be in the same class with Kid 2 or we would also have to hold Kid 2 back regardless of readiness.
If you do go forward I would just recommend having a LOT of help. Extra babysitters/nanny/ au pair/ mother’s helper is mandatory, not optional, until youngest is 3. Having an extra set of hands as much as possible is just so helpful.
Anonymous says
K1 and K2 are 21 months apart and K2 and K3 are just one month shy of being 3 years apart. I preferred the 21 month age spacing. They are interested in the same types of things at similar times. Plus, they had similar nap schedules, etc. Plus, there was almost no jealousy. It was not planned for us, but I really liked it.
Ifiknew says
Mine are 24 months and I think every month even makes it easier. It also helps if you have a more mature first child, my son is now the same age my daughter was when he was born and she was able to do a lot more, be more helpful and listen, more verbal etc so 24 month spacing wasn’t too hard with her being first. I’ve heard sometimes if the boy is first, the age difference can feel even smaller. I’m sure it’s not boy or girl but just personality of the first child.
Anon says
+1 to it not being boy or girl, just kid personality. My BFF’s son (kid #1) was so much more mature, calm, helpful, etc. than his younger sister at the same age.
Michelle Murray says
It would have been tough for me. I was also unsure about having a third. My first two are 2.5 years apart, and 3 years would have been easier. I was in my mid thirties when my middle one was conceived and born. I wanted a third after my second, but did not want an age gap of less than three years, and I was okay with the risk of not being able to conceive a third. My second and third are 3 years and three months apart, and it was much easier. My older two would play together while I nursed the baby. I was not in a rush to get through the baby phase, I am really sad to be done with it. I am also someone that prefers to reduce the pain rather than get it done with quickly.
Spirograph says
Mine are all a little less than 2 years apart ant I survived. But seriously, survival was the bar for a while there. It was hard for like…. 5 years (3 kids), and now it’s awesome. Youngest >3 is really a turning point.
CCLA says
I’m a little late here, but more anecdata: ours are 25 months apart and I’m really happy with it. While we started trying when they would have been 24 months, I’m not convinced 3 months or so makes a big difference and I don’t think you’re crazy. I wanted to chime in because we came from the same mindset of “getting the baby phase over with”. We were not infant people and just went in knowing that the first several months would be rough, but that it would get better after that. We also knew we did not want more than 2, so were very eager to get to the more fun stage! They’ll be 5 and 3 in the fall and they play wonderfully together, most books and tv shows and toys overlap. There have been lots of inflection points for when things got easier – the usual ones of when the younger one was sleeping through the night and the like, but as far as the sibling relationship goes it got way easier once the younger one was really able to communicate needs and have a conversation, so maybe a year or so ago.
Paging cbackson says
It occured to me that I haven’t seen any posts from cbackson in a long time. I miss her wisdom.
Pogo says
oh yeah! Hope she is OK. Maybe on sabbatical for summer?
cbackson says
Hey, you are very kind to say this.
I haven’t been around because it became apparent 3-4 months back that there was a commenter here who didn’t like me and had figured out who I was in real life, and was starting to make some slightly scary/creepy comments that made that clear. I still read now and then, but I don’t comment anymore.
Over the years I’ve given out my email address multiple times and have helped commenters from this site under my real name (and even met some of them in person). I don’t know if it’s one of those people, or someone who otherwise figured out my identity. But in any case, since then, I don’t feel safe participating here anymore. It’s a shame, because this is my longest online community, but so it is.
cbackson says
(The creepy comments were not on the moms site, I should say.)
Anonymous says
Oh such a shame! I used to have a name but went anonymous after a similar incident. Have also been Thinking of you
Hmmm says
I’m so sorry, that’s so disturbing and disappointing!
EDAnon says
That’s so sad! I started posting under a name because I like it when others do so. But this makes me worry because you could figure out who I am from the detail I share. I am sorry that happened to you.
OP says
Well, that’s what I’m trying to figure out. Things have varied a lot regionally. Where we live, most kids would be wearing masks in this setting and that + being outdoors would make me feel ok. I literally have no idea how spread out things are or if people ARE putting their unvaccinated kids in masks (which I think is technically required but apparently not done in practice). We’re driving up to visit family and it’s along the way. It’d be great to go since we were going to go last year and already cancelled once, but there’s a lot of variation in the precautions people are or aren’t taking right now.
Anon says
I don’t believe there’s anywhere in the US where most people currently wear masks outdoors. I was in Hawaii last week, and they’re the only state in the US that still has an indoor mask mandate, and even there no one was wearing masks outside. Are you sure the theme park even asks people to wear masks? All the big theme parks I know of (even in blue states) have dropped mask mandates, certainly for outdoor areas.
Anonymous says
No one is wearing masks outside.
Anon says
Unvaccinated kids are where we live, even outdoors.
Anon says
I don’t think unvaccinated kids, especially preschool age kids, are the real concern though. If your kids get Covid it’s much more likely to be from an unvaccinated adult or teen than from a little kid. Do the unvaccinated adults wear masks where it’s not mandated where you live? That would be shocking to me. I know unvaccinated adults who will wear a mask when they’re told they have to (e.g., on an airplane) but not any who do it voluntarily.
Anon says
Mask wearing by those under age 12 is expected by other parents and I’m not going to get my kid excluded from playdates for not wearing a mask.
Masks are also required by day camps for elementary students, even outdoors.
Anon says
To add, I’m not aware of any unvaccinated adults where we live. We have something like a 97+% vaccine acceptance rate.
AnonATL says
Gift ideas for a 4yo girl? We got an invite to our daycare teacher’s daughter’s birthday in a couple of weeks. It’s a small in-home daycare and so we are fairly friendly, and I’d like to at least stop by. She’s a girly girl, but otherwise I’m not sure what she’s into so generic options are great.
Anonymous says
I got this for our last 4 yo girl birthday party. It is so cute. https://www.amazon.com/Melissa-Doug-Seaside-Sidekicks-Cupcake/dp/B004U4TQP2/ref=asc_df_B004U4TQP2/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=198072474455&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=8814249934789972902&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=21152&hvtargid=pla-379472120064&psc=1
They also have a cookie one too but the cupcake one is adorable
anon says
My girly 4 yo was over the moon to get a pair of sparkly dress shoes with bows and glitter. She wore them into the ground.
Mommasgottasleep says
What’s your baby’s nap schedule? I have twins, two months adjusted age. They eat, play, sleep, but I’m wondering if I need to be more structured about it. My oldest went to day care, so they made his nap schedule. Plus it’s been so long I don’t really remember what we even did on the weekend. They are STTN, so maybe I should just not worry about this til they hit their 4 mo sleep regression?
Anon says
YMMV but night sleep was so much more important to me that I was never very concerned with naps as long as night sleep was good. My daughter never napped for more than about 20 minutes and it was usually on a person until she was about 4 months old, and even then her nap schedule was never super strict and she’d often take at least one of her naps on the Boppy after nursing. She mostly stopped napping right after turning 2 so I think she’s just programmed to not need/want naps. She’s always been a wonderful night sleeper.
AwayEmily says
Yeah, I wonder if there’s something to the trope that you can have great naps or great night sleep, but not both. My kids were both wonderful night sleepers and just terrible at napping. Never more than 20 minutes, one would only nap in the carrier, etc. With my first it stressed me out a ton but with my second I was like “eh, it’s a stage” and indeed it was. By the time both were 1 they were a perfectly good nappers.
Anon says
Oh, I think there’s definitely something to that, and it’s pretty logical to me – kids who get a long stretch of uninterrupted night sleep just don’t need naps the way kids who are always waking up at night do.
Anon says
My almost 4 and 6 year old still wake us at night multiple times per week, but they were champion nappers. My oldest still napped 2-3 hours a day until he started school
Hmmm says
If they are both STTN, count your lucky stars and don’t make any sudden movements!
I’m kidding but also sort of not, haha. It sounds like you are doing great. I wouldn’t worry about structure at that age personally.
Anon says
My baby is 2.5 months actual and we’re still mostly winging it. I generally don’t even try to get my babies onto a schedule until 3-4 months. I am trying to be aware of wake windows, though – after about 2-3 hours it’s time to try a nap – and to follow a general routine of wake, eat, play, sleep. I also try to put him in his bed for 1-2 naps a day, even if they don’t last long.
Anonymous says
As soon as you get them on a schedule, they’ll go through some normal developmental change, and their schedule will change. If they’re sleeping through the night at this point, that’s amazing.
Anon says
Has anyone consulted a child psychologist for a preschooler? My 3 year old is extremely spirited and difficult and (speaking of grit) she has NONE…if the slightest thing goes wrong, she will absolutely lose it and it really wrecks the whole day. I know it’s normal for 3 year olds to lack emotional regulation and get upset over little things, but this feels very extreme and is really starting to take a toll on our marriage and our lives in general. Our pediatrician is not concerned, mainly because she goes to preschool and doesn’t get in “trouble” there, but frankly her (the ped’s) dismissiveness is really starting to irritate me. I know a lot of 3 year olds and while they certainly all have their moments none of them behave like my kid. I don’t know what we need, maybe just someone to work with me and DH on parenting techniques because I assume our kid is too young for real therapy. I’ve read the Spirited Child and other books and they’re helpful but I think we really need someone who can work with us in a more individual way.
Anonymous says
It sounds like you may need an evaluation from Child Find or a similar early intervention program to tell you if this is normal. You don’t need to be referred, look up infants and toddlers in your county and they should have a service like child find or similar for children 36 months-kindergarten to provide a screening. And switch pediatricians.
Anon says
How does that work if they don’t witness her melting down though? Would they interview us about her behavior? She’s a delight when she’s not mid-meltdown and for better or worse she does tend to hold it together better in front of strangers (hence her school having no concerns), so I think it’s unlikely they’d observe the behavior we’re concerned about.
anonymommy says
Calling outdoorsy/adventure moms!
We are going to Colorado for a family wedding…in the mountains at a river-side campground. Water safety for my 1.5 and 3.5 yo is my main concern. Obviously, when we are actively swimming/playing by the river, they’ll be with both of us parents and wearing actual PFDs.
But, for the rest of the time, I’m considering something like a Splash About UV Float Suit — wearable floaties. Has anyone researched this or have other suggestions? (Again, we’ll have them in proper life jackets when playing in the water. I’m looking for a backup, wear-this-all-weekend option for the just-in-case so I’m not an anxiety ball the whole time.) Any other must-haves? Where’s my CO moms at?! Thanks!
Anonymous says
I would go with a toddler leash over floaties when they are not supposed to be in the water.
Anonymous says
Yeah just wearing floaters around to play in is going to be prohibitively uncomfortable not actually protect them and give you a false sense of safety. They just need to be watched like a hawk
Anon says
Yeah I don’t think you can floaty your way out of this. Are they prone to running around and trying to jump in the river? I have a cautious (frankly, fearful) kid and although I certainly watch her carefully whenever we’re near water, this doesn’t sound that bad to me because I know my kid would never try to go in the river. But I have friends for whom it would be very stressful. Can you stay somewhere else? Just because the wedding is there doesn’t mean you have to stay there, right?
Anonymous says
Wouldn’t it be just as easy to make them wear the PFD all the time?
anon says
I would like to express my thanks to my son’s daycare teachers (3 of them). He is at an inhome daycare and started this past month and they have a “graduation” coming up so it seems like good timing for a gift. (He is not “graduating” but all the kids and parents attend). I am SO thankful to have them be a part of our “village” (in reality, the only part of our village aside from me and DH).
I was thinking about a gift card since cash seems a little weird. Have others given gift cards to daycare teachers? (i.e., Target…)
Anon says
Yes, I give Target gift cards to our daycare teachers for the holidays and end of the school year. Usually $50 each (four teachers) if we can swing it, which I think is on the higher end for our area. For teacher appreciation week, our school specifically requests non-cash items so we send the things they request. I like Target because if money is tight they can put the money towards essentials like groceries, but if they want to use it to get themselves or a friend a treat they can do that too, or they can put it back into the classroom and buy school supplies (many of them have told me they do this). The only other stores I can think of that are equally flexible are A-zon and Walmart and both those companies are considerably more controversial.
DLC says
I usually gave a Macy’s or Target gift card to our in home daycare provider and her assistants. I liked Macy’s because there was one close to us and I figured she would be able to use it for something for herself rather than something practical.