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At my last job, my supervisor had a necklace with the first initial of each of her three kids on it. I once mentioned I liked it. When I left for my current job, in a best-boss-ever move, she chose it (engraved with my daughter’s initials) as the office farewell gift.
After I got pregnant with my second, I wanted a similar necklace that also included my son’s initials. I thought about just adding his initials on the necklace I had, but decided it would be nice to get something special to commemorate becoming a mom of two. After a bit of research, I selected Aurate’s Gold Bar Necklace — I wanted something subtle and high quality, but reasonably priced.
This necklace looks great on its own but also layers well with other pieces. It’s available in yellow, rose, or white gold, and engraving is included (up to 10 characters). If that wasn’t enough, Aurate’s pieces are ethically and sustainably sourced, designed in NYC, and mostly made in Manhattan.
The necklace is $350. Gold Bar Necklace
Some more affordable options include these past recommendations from Kat and April: this sideways initial necklace, this initial pendant necklace, and these alphabet letter pendants.
Sales of note for 5.5.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase (ends 5/12); $50 off your $200+ purchase (ends 5/5)
- Banana Republic Factory – Spend your StyleCash with 40-60% off everything, or take an extra 20% off purchase (ends 5/6)
- Eloquii – $19 & up 300+ styles and up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Shirts & tees starting at $24.50; extra 30% off sale styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – 40% off full-price styles & extra 15% off; extra 55% off sale styles
- Nordstrom: Nordy Club members earn 3X the points on beauty; 30% off selected shoes
- Talbots – 40% off one item & and 30% off everything else; $50 off $200 (all end 5/5)
- Zappos – 27,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – 40% off everything & extra 20% off select styles with code
- Hanna Andersson – Friends & Family Sale: 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Crewcuts – tk; extra 30% off sale styles; kids’ styles starting at $14.50
- Old Navy – Up to 75% off clearance
- Target – 20% off women’s clothing & shoes; up to 50% off kitchen & dining; 20% off jewelry & hair accessories; up to $100 off select Apple products; up to 40% off home & patio; BOGO 50% off adult & YA books
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
AnonATL says
We will be starting solids soon, and I was wondering where people find the best deals on purees. Our ped recommended not doing BLW for the first couple of months, so we are doing purees to start.
It doesn’t look like Costco carries them unless I missed it somewhere in store or online. I’m not completely opposed to making my own (but let’s assume for the most part I don’t have time for that) if anyone has suggestions for recipes/blogs.
Happy holiday break to everyone! Hope you have a relaxing and restful time with your families.
Anon says
I don’t know about price because I wasn’t super cost conscious but I liked Target because they had a variety of different blends, lots of organic and no-sugar-added options and you can set them up for recurring delivery, which was convenient. Also don’t worry if your kid doesn’t really take to solids right away. My daughter only ate small bites of vegetable purees here and there but never took to them and didn’t really start eating solids until we started things like Cheerios and whole peas around 8 months. Then she got into fruit/veg blend purees later (we relied on pouches a lot when we traveled).
anon says
We picked up pouches at Target. There is a good selection and we could choose new flavors for our baby to try that were different from what we normally cooked.
We supplemented with a lot of friendly table food, including pureeing some of our sides, so we didn’t go through many pouches. Perhaps 3-5 a week for just a couple of months?
If you have the bandwidth, it isn’t hard to double any baby friendly sides to your meal when you make dinner for yourself. For instance, baking even one extra sweet potato or three more carrots works out to several baby meals. We’d just freeze the extra when putting away leftovers.
Pogo says
How is AnonATL’s baby starting solids already?!?
I know you said you don’t want to make your own but they don’t “eat” that’s much early on so I did really simple stuff like mashing banana or avocado, roasting a sweet potato and mashing it, etc. Buying a container of food (which I think you are supposed to toss if they don’t eat it all?) seemed really wasteful. Regular apple or pear sauce is fine. So is yogurt.
My kid LOVED the baby mum mums. I would grab a pack of those and maybe some of the puffs too.
Pogo says
Also Costco does have a fruit/veg purée pouch combo. I don’t know that it’s marketed as baby food or toddler food so maybe that’s why you didn’t see it? But my kid loves those too (as a toddler).
Anon says
If you believe you have to toss unused baby food, you would also have to toss whatever regular jar of applesauce or yogurt you’re serving from. That ‘rule’ comes from the fact that babies have weak immune systems, not that baby food inherently doesn’t keep as week as adult food. Fwiw, I ignored it and refrigerated the unused portions of jars and pouches and it was completely fine.
Anon says
*as well
Anon says
Yes – don’t scoop directly from the jars. Scoop a small bit into a bowl and feed from the bowl.
But that said, I basically made my own just how Pogo suggested. One sweet potato (blended with a little water) makes enough for about six meals.
Anon says
*Don’t *feed*/scoop with the baby’s spoon directly from the jars
Pogo says
Yes sorry that’s what I meant. If you decant from the little jar into a separate bowl then it is no different than say, applesauce. But until I was going to finish off an entire jar quickly it didn’t seem worth it to me (around like 7 mos I think).
AnonATL says
I know it’s crazy how time has flown. He’s getting bigger and learning new things every day.
Hope your new little one is doing well Pogo!
TheElms says
Also used Target. Even my little urban Target, which is tiny had a huge variety. They are just kind of expensive for what they are but the convenience factor was worth it. Its a short period where they eat mostly purees and enough quantity for it to feel expensive. In the beginning most kids eat maybe 3 small bites, maybe 6 bites.
Lyssa says
On the making your own (quickly and simply) front, I had a lot of luck just taking plain frozen veggies (peas, carrots, etc.), microwaving them, and pureeing them. Also, someone recommended canned pumpkin (the plain kind – 100% pumpkin, nothing else) – very cheap and my son in particular loved it. (You can easily freeze the extra.) Bananas, avocados, and cooked sweet potatoes are also super-easy to mash. We also used a lot of the baby powdered oatmeal and plain yogurt.
There’s absolutely no need to do any sort of recipes or special equipment/techniques. (Unless you want to, of course.)
TheElms says
Another lover of canned pumpkin here – we discovered this not as a baby, but when my now toddler was helping herself to the pumpkin out of the dog’s bowl! Oops.
Anonanonanon says
I remember Target being my go-to when I was broke with my first. That was 10 years ago, but I wouldn’t have gone there if price were an issue. I think they had a lot of variety, too.
As others said, if you feed directly from the container you have to throw it out. Pour half into a little ramekin or something to feed so you can save the other half.
SC says
I bought a box or two of Earth’s Best purees and some pouches from Amazon. I’m sure Target or Walmart delivery would be fine–just make sure you’re buying directly, not from a third party seller, so you don’t end up with expired or knock-off food. I also bought large jars of organic, unsweetened apple sauce at Costco.
I am totally not a “make your own baby food” person by temperament, but I’m thrifty. One afternoon, I made sweet potatoes, squash, and carrots and froze them in ice cube trays. It took me an hour or two (mostly inactive time) to make all the orange puree he ate before we moved onto more solid food. Seriously, they eat so little each meal, and this stage is so short (in hindsight, at least). You can also buy frozen fruit at Costco and thaw and puree that–mangoes, strawberries, blueberries work well. Bonus that frozen fruit is great for soothing sore gums when Baby starts teething! Ditto to the comments that it’s easy to mash up avocados, peas, and bananas, plus pears if they’re ripe enough.
Anon says
We started with warm oatmeal with some peanut butter melted in, that was quite the hit (and confirmed no early peanut allergy). Puffs are also great for starting kiddo used to texture and they basically melt on their tongues. My kid was not a huge puree fan (and I can confirm that I did not make a single puree), but I think we mostly used Gerber. Smooshed black beans (I would smoosh with a finger and hand them over one at a time because she was a chipmunk), shredded cheese, shredded meats (turkey, chicken, pork), fork-mashed avocado, and oversteamed (so very soft) mini diced carrots and peas from the freezer section and yogurt were early favorites. Pouches were also super helpful for getting her used to a straw, which made going out to restaurants easier (because she could have small sips of water rather than a sippy cup) – oh the days when that was a thing.
Anon says
Ditto what everyone else said – Target and my grocery store were pretty comparable. If you’re looking for a book, try the Big Book of Organic Baby Food. Making purees was pretty quick and even though I now have a toddler I still cook up some frozen fruit in a pot and puree it to add to plain yogurt for lunches. I ended up mostly making them and freezing them in ice cube trays and only getting jars for things I didn’t feel like making myself, like green beans, or things that I though the baby would hate like spinach.
anonamama says
+1 to Target. I’ll come clean, I was the baby-led weaning flunkie when we talked about it a couple months ago, so not much to share there. Also, Bamba peanut butter puffs are amazing when you are introducing peanuts! I felt like once I had the liquid feeding figured out, it was time for solids and that was daunting. So, good luck!
Anon. says
If home-made is a consideration at all, we microwave-steamed different veggies, pureed them, and froze the puree in ice cube trays (there are larger silicone ones that are about 1 oz per “cube”, which was the perfect size).
That way, it’s really a time saver, because you can do meal prep for baby every couple of weeks, pop out a cube whenever you need and quickly reheat in the microwave.
Also, depending on how well your kid eats veggies, you can add the puree to any “kid-friendly” dish later. My son was quite picky around age 2, and veggie puree hidden in scrambled eggs or pasta sauce made me feel better about his veggie intake.
New Here says
I had grand ideas of making my own purees, but she spit them out….even if they were the same thing as the store-bought ones.
We’ve liked pouches from Target and Aldi. She’s mostly on table food/what we eat now (1 in 5 days!!), but I keep pouches on hand to have in a pinch, or just round out a meal (like today, where I have chicken nuggets in the fridge but no fruits or veggies – chicken and a pouch for lunch!).
Anonanonanon says
I just wanted to share how thankful I am to have this page to pop over to once in a while. I know we’ve all been under incredible stress, but even so, this page’s version of being testy with one another is nothing compared to the rest of the internet.
I will spare the “wow look what we did this year moms!” because we all feel like we did 1,000 things and none of them well. Instead, I encourage everyone to take a moment (ha!) to jot down some of their thoughts and experiences over the past year. I would love to read something like that from my mother or grandmother if it existed and, with any luck, this will all be a fuzzy and distant memory in a few months.
Anon says
i was going to post the same thing! This page has equipped me with so much parenting knowledge and helpful tips and is always a good place to vent
Pogo says
This is a good reminder! I have a planner that has goal-setting and monthly reflections, and while I stopped doing them on maternity leave I want to make sure I put something for the end of the year. I was initially bummed because 2021 goals are basically going to be the same as my 2020 goals, but who among us actually accomplished anything in 2020?
AwayEmily says
TOTALLY agree. Really grateful for everyone here and the civil, kind discussions around often- contentious issues. Also for all the advice I’ve been given over the past year (actually, FIVE years — wow!) on everything from sleep to toys to weird rashes to toddler shoes. You all are the best.
Spirograph says
Same, and thanks for this suggestion! We were listening to some kid podcast about “original sources” for historians a couple months ago, and talked about how cool it is that our pandemic letters (we got into paper letter-writing this year) might be an original source someday. What a good idea to write one to my kids
Anonanonanon says
Yea I don’t keep a journal but I tried to send myself emails a couple of times throughout all of this, hitting each perspective. Like here is what’s happening at the national level, here is what my community looks like, here’s what’s happening at work as a responder, here is what’s going on at home (wanted to capture what an issue childcare has been for everyone), here is what’s happening with some day-to-day stuff. I think we’ll all be surprised how quickly we forget about toilet paper shortages, changing mask recommendations, homemade bread frenzy, etc.
anonamama says
Me too! I was going to post something similar on Thanksgiving, but man, I am so grateful for this corner of the internet. You (and the Snoo) helped me navigate first-time (working) motherhood like I never imagined I could. I hope your partners/children gift you everything you asked for!!
Marshmallow says
Thank you. This is a great reminder to write a letter in my daughter’s baby book about this time. This year has been insane but I’ve been checking in here regularly and usually wind up not even asking whatever question I came here to ask, because it’s clear that somebody else is also going through the same thing. I appreciate having this spot to pop in.
Anon says
Another potty training question- are regressions common? Potty trained our twins over Thanksgiving with the ‘oh crap’ method and they are still going commando. Twin A has had maybe one accident since that weekend. Twin B has been having maybe 3 accidents a week on average (usually when out with our nanny) but in the past 48 hours has had 3 accidents each day, even while at home with us, naked on the bottom. Tips?
Anonymous says
How often are you giving reminders? In my experience, kids often get wiggly when they have to go but they are trying to hold it. We had challenges when they got more confident and lost the ‘I might have to pee, I should go right away’ and starting thinking ‘I have to pee but I can hold it for a second because I want to finishing playing trains/watching Thomas etc’. They pushed their luck too far. Basically I found frequent reminders and watching for wiggly bottoms to be necessary for at least a few months afterwards. If they’ve only be trained a month, you should still be reminding them multiple times a day. We have a house rule that before going outside, everyone sits and tries to do their pee. We don’t just ask if they have to go because they want to go outside and will say ‘no’. It’s not lying at preschool ages it’s that they convince themselves they don’t have to go because they are so focused on playing outside.
Anon says
+1 even with a 6 year old that never has accidents or anything, if we are going somewhere with a longish drive or going anywhere where using a bathroom would be super inconvenient, there is a you-need-to-sit-on-the-potty-before-we-leave rule at our house, even if you tell me you don’t have to.
And agreed, when we first potty train, for months there still is a frequent you-need-to-go-sit-on-the-potty in consistent intervals on our part. (Part of the reason I find potty training harder than diapers for awhile!!). I agree I would also would not call it asking, it is telling.
anon says
Any idea what is causing the issue with twin B? Waiting to long? Distracted by interesting activities? Constipated? (Constipation was always an issue for ours and totally let to accidents.)
At my kids’ daycare, the kids always had potty buddies and if one kid went to the potty, their buddy was required to try to go too. Can you have twin B try to go every time twin A goes?
Anonymous says
Yes. Kid is not a reliable narrator on whether kid is constipated, can be constipated even if pooping daily because some can squeeze around. For our kid it definitely causes sudden upticks in accidents. Prunes are a good friend.
Lyssa says
My experiences were that the kids started to get comfortable with going, and then had a big regression because they got too comfortable – they thought they had it under control and held it (and maybe we got comfortable and forgot to remind them), and ended up waiting too long. But it’s just part of the process.
Anon says
+1 I agree with this. If your kid is young (2/early 3) the adult really needs to be proactive about potty time for the first 6+ months…maybe you don’t need to remind every time, but you do need to be aware and prompt frequently.
Anon says
Thanks all. I’ll try reminding Twin B more frequently, though Twin B already goes much more frequently than Twin A. Part of it is that Twin B loves water! And while i try to limit intake and distract/delay if kiddo says she’s thirsty, it seems kind of unfair not to give water
Anonymous says
Oh is this the constantly drinking twin you’ve posted about before?
OP says
Yes! Fortunately she is not diabetic. To be fair, i also am often very thirsty abd need a lot of water to stay hydrated so i guess she gets it from me
Anonymous says
Great! She might just not be ready yet
Anon says
I’m not a doctor at all so take this with a grain of salt….but….I am a huge proponent of drinking a ton of water (for kids! Adults! everyone!) for so many reasons and I would really caution against limiting the water intake. At the very least, I would ask your ped what they think before doing that. NOT that I think you are depriving them of water to a dangerous level or anything, more because I think them having the mentality that drinking water is a good thing and they should get it as much as they want is a mindset I wouldn’t want to change…even if it means potty training in the short term is more annoying.
Good luck!
anon says
It’s the kids’ last day of school before the holiday break. Fingers crossed that we make it through intact. I usually look forward to the break — it gets me through the slog of December, knowing that I have it to look forward to — but after 10 months of being at home? Not so much. Everybody in my house is bickering and crabby. Mama truly wants a silent night, is all I can say.
Anon says
I feel you – I was really dreading it too. As a note of optimism, I’m in the middle of three weeks off work and school and it’s going much better than I’d anticipated. My daughter had just turned 2 at the beginning of the pandemic and is almost 3 now, and the difference in how much she can play alone and help with household chores is like night and day. Hopefully your kids can play alone and/or together? Also knowing that we have school to go back on January 4th makes a huge difference – even on the harder days this is mentally so much easier than the spring/summer daycare closure when we had no idea when we’d go back.
Anonymous says
I’m just excited I don’t have to doula any remote school writing assignments for the next 10 days. My son is in a hybrid model which is only in-school 2 days a week (and the last one was a remote learning snow day). He is there today, then one more day at home and then we will commence the screen time/sloth fiesta. Nothing else seems fun anymore. We are sick of each other, sick of board games, family walks in the park, family soccer games, etc. I could barely excite my son about making cookies on the weekend. Anyway, no remote school is what I can find to look forward to. Good luck to all of us!
anon says
YES! We are sick of nearly everything. I am so sorry you’re dealing with hybrid learning. In many ways, it seems like the worst of all worlds.
blueridge29 says
“doula any remote school writing assignments” – made me snort….so very, very true.
Anonymous says
this is a fabulous turn of phrase. love it
Anon says
Does anyone have any fun family new year’s traditions? special food or activities I can copy?
Realist says
Flying wish paper. Starting a tradition this year.
Mary Moo Cow says
I grew up in the Deep South with friends who ate black eyed peas and greens at midnight or on New Years’ Day, but since I was born to northern parents, we never did, and the first time I tried it was in a a bar in college.
In my family, we had a KFC picnic in front of the TV and watched Casey Kasem’s special. (It was the one night of the year we got KFC; it was a laughably huge deal!) We also had a Welch’s sparkling grape juice toast. I remember noise makers one year, bless my parents. In the future, I like the idea of a New Years’ Day afternoon open house to fill the time and have something to look forward to after Christmas. I also hope to start a tradition of setting an intention for the new year and sharing it over family dinner on New Years’ Day. In years past, we’ve gone to see the lights at the botanical gardens — far fewer people than before Christmas!
This year, we’ll wear cheesy New Year’s party hats and watch one of the kid friendly count downs on Netflix on the 31st, and do some baking or crafts on the 1st, and if the weather is nice, take a hike or go to the playground.
AnonATL says
My family is all in the south, and my mother still makes sure I have black eyed peas (for luck!) and greens (for money!) every year. We typically served it with something indulgent like steak, etc for a feast.
Collards stink up the house for anyone who is considering cooking them, but according to my mom sauteed spinach counts too and is less stinky.
Anonymous says
My family didn’t really, but my husband grew up eating black eyed peas, cornbread, and greens on New Year’s Day, so we always do that. I don’t know that it is fun exactly, but my standards are low this year.
SC says
My New Year’s tradition is not having a tradition. It’s like the only holiday that’s truly a day “off.” I do a ton of work for Thanksgiving and even more for Christmas. Most years, we travel or go camping for Easter, Memorial Day, July 4th, and Labor Day. Pre-kid, we’d have a boozy and late New Year’s Eve, and we’d sleep most of the day New Year’s Day. Post-kid, we have quieter and earlier evenings, but I still enjoy having a day to rest, take a walk, read, watch TV, etc.
anne-on says
We used to do a holiday afternoon open house. That’s out, but I AM excited about ‘snack dinner’ – making a bunch of fun appetizers, special drinks, mini desserts, and then playing games/watching a movie and staying up a bit later than normal. Plus it gives me permission to buy all the super unhealthy appetizers I love (pigs in a blanket! pub cheese! stuffed mushrooms!) and didn’t get to have this year as there are no parties.
Anon says
Not for a pandemic year, but as a kid we would go to the bowling alley for an early session. They would do a kids sparkling grape juice toast at 9 and we could be back home before the roads started getting nutty with people who shouldn’t be driving. Now we tend to celebrate with my parents (our family compromise on holidays) and we do a pretty fancy early dinner (stuffed pork tenderloin, or maybe a turkey breast with all the sides), have lots of fun party appetizers for snacking, wear silly masks, watch countdowns on TV, play cards and have a champagne toast – and toddler is allowed to “nap” rather than go to bed and then stay up until midnight.
Anonymous says
I’m from Pennsylvania so we eat pork roast/sauerkraut for good luck on NYD. Next year, fingers crossed, I would love to have friendsvwith kids over for brunch or open house.
Anon says
As a kid, we would always participate in my town’s family night out activities, like bowling or ice skating, and then watch the ball drop at 11 pm (we were in central time) and then the kids had to go to bed. Pre-kid, my husband and I just stayed in and would usually bake cookies and watch the ball drop. The last couple years we’ve had a baby/toddler with an early bedtime so NYE wasn’t really any different except we couldn’t leave the house, which we didn’t want to anyway. I’ve noticed some of the kids’ activities in our town have “noon year eve” parties that sound fun, although they would be tough with a toddler who still takes a mid-day nap, and we obviously won’t be doing any of them this year with the pandemic. I’ve always despised “adult” NYE things like parties or fancy dinners out and wouldn’t want to do that stuff even if we weren’t in a pandemic.
Anon says
I have a shoe tying question. My son is 6.5. Long story, but a few years ago I bought a bunch of athletic shoes for him in increasingly bigger sizes because I had the opportunity to get some really good ones at a good deal. The “older” ones had shoe laces which I didn’t really give too much thought to at the time, because in my mind I guess I thought of course that will be appropriate when he gets to these. Now, we have been in the shoe lace ones for a bit (months) but he hates them and just can’t seem to get the hang of tying them on his own. To be fair, we could probably work with him more/have him practice more when we’re not in a rush to go somewhere but, we do sometimes…and….life….but even then, I just get the sense he doesn’t have the dexterity or something. I want to give up and buy him non-lace athletic shoes for the time being. My husband is very against that, with the argument that this is something he needs to learn to do, yadda yadda yadda. Meanwhile, every time we do something athletic where he needs to wear them, it is a whole thing.
What says you? When did everyone’s kids start tying their shoes? I kind of feel like this is one of those things where we could put it off for a year or two and then when we try again maybe he’ll just magically be able to do it easily because he will be older, rather than this miserable slog. But maybe I am just trying to take the easy way and it’s embarrassing that our 6.5 year old can’t tie shoes. ?
Lyssa says
We’re still tying my just-turned-8 year old’s laced shoes, so if you’re embarrassed, I’m doubly-so. We keep meaning to sit him down and work on making him learn it, but honestly, have a hard time thinking about it unless we’re trying to get out the door.
Anon says
I vividly remember learning around first grade, but to be honest, my DH is still terrible at tying his shoes and they often come undone (obviously he can do it, but he just doesn’t have great dexterity with his fingers).
Anon says
Tell him to loop the loops around each other twice before pulling through. It’s kind of double knot in that it keeps the laces tied, but still pulls out easily when you yank the end. My husband always ties this way
DLC says
Not embarrassing at all! I think it really depends on the kid. My oldest taught herself to tie her shoes when she was six, but she was super motivated. Her father, sitter, and I all had tried teaching her, but it didn’t take- then one day she just started watching people do it and figured it out. I have a feeling that with my middle kid it will take a lot of persistence on our part.
I feel like the loops are definitely tricky to figure out which method works best. Maybe take baby steps and have him do the first knot to start and you do the loops for him?
Our local shoe store runs shoe tying workshops (pre COVID) and the owner told me once that girls tend to figure it out before boys.
AnonATL says
If you aren’t ready for tying laces yet, look into speed laces. I use them for my running shoes because the stupid laces they come with always came untied on my runs. I believe they make kids sizes as well
They are basically bungey cords with a zip piece on the end to hold them tight.
Anon says
Yes, I have them as well. I think one brand might be called Lock Laces? No need to buy new shoes.
Anonymous says
We didn’t get shoes with laces till our son was 7 I think, and he did learn, albeit kind of poorly. We went back to non lace shoes with the next pair, not on purpose but they fit and pandemic shoe shopping by mail is hard, so we’re going with it. I think as a kid I learned earlier, but velcro shoes were rare when I was in elementary school (I’m 44).
My son would also leave his tied and try to slip his feet in and out – is that possible with these shoes? I don’t think this is the hill I would pick to die on during the pandemic. But if your husband wants to, can you make him in charge of this?
Anonymous says
My 6 year old twins don’t like tying shoe laces even though they technically know how. The first grade supply list requested sneakers without laces as teachers are not supposed to be having as much physical contact so can’t help with laces.
It was about third grade before my older kid wanted shoes with laces because by then it was seen as little kid to have velco shoes.
Can you pick up some inexpensive loafers from old navy so you don’t have to battle about shoes every time you leave the house?
Cb says
I’m 36 and honestly, I’m not awesome at tying my shoes. My dad is the same (and may have been the one who taught me). My mom will get annoyed on a walk and tie both of our shoes, and my husband will do up my hiking boots.
So Anon says
My son tackled shoe tying in OT this year (he is 9 and has ASD). It can absolutely be a dexterity thing, but it also just takes practice. His OT was awesome with it, and now he has it pretty well down. When I tried to teach him, we both became total hot messes and resorted to wearing bogs. With his little sister, I showed her a y o u tube video earlier this year, and she picked it up on her own. To each their own. If getting the non-lace things makes your life easier for now, go for it. There will be a time when it is an issue, but I doubt that you’re there yet.
TheElms says
I recall this being a skill I learned in Kindergarten because Kindergarten taught us – so 5/6. I imagine the peer pressure of everyone doing it together made it easier. I’d get the no tie bungee laces mentioned above and not worry right now!
Anon says
Not parenting related and I know many of you are probably already sensitive to this, but just a vent/PSA to please tell your employees happy holidays or happy new year unless you know they celebrate Christmas. I’ve mentioned to my boss multiple times that I don’t celebrate Christmas and it stings a little to get “Merry Christmas” cards and texts from him.
Anon says
Yea this would make me nuts. I honestly don’t even love the Happy Holidays bc not everyone celebrated holidays this time of year. I prefer Happy New Year
Anonymous says
Not everyone celebrates New Years at this time of year. Being salty about happy holidays is way extra.
Anon says
Not the person you’re responding to, but even people who have an additional New Year’s celebration (e.g., Jewish New Year, Lunar New Year) still celebrate the western calendar New Year, especially if they live in the United States. I know a lot of people, me included, who have another New Year to celebrate for religious or cultural reasons, but we all still celebrate January 1 also. I think it’s a huge reach to say some people don’t celebrate New Year’s on January 1.
However, I view “Happy Holidays” as inclusive of “Happy New Year” since the New Year is also a holiday, and for that reason don’t find it offensive even if it’s said to me after my religious holiday (Hanukkah) is over.
Hmm says
I tend to agree. The whole point of saying happy holidays is to be as inclusive as possible. If we start criticizing people for that I think it just fuels the flame for people who insist on Merry Christmas (which I avoid unless I know the person celebrates Christmas). I also feel a little silly saying happy new year in early/mid December.
ElisaR says
i don’t ever say merry christmas unless i’m in a church on christmas…. sorry he’s not with the program.
why bother possibly offending someone? It’s just out of my vocab.
pot smoke says
I have 3 kids under 7 with my husband – we both work full time jobs. Mine is much more demanding and he’s a very involved, loving dad. Our 18 month old still wakes up through the night and he takes all of the responsibility for night feedings – I’ve been very grateful. He smokes pot over the weekend, after the kids go to bed. I’ve told him i was completely okay with it given it’s just the weekend – moderation! He’s been trustworth generally but there were a couple times over the week where I asked if he was high and he said he wasn’t – and then broke down and said he was. He apologized last time and said he wouldn’t do so again, and said he lied because he was embarrassed. I got that and totally let it go – i appreciated his making amends. That was about 2 months back.
Last night I found him smoking – on a Monday. He’s already been smoking Fridays through Sundays. I shouldn’t have said this but I said if he persisted with this, to the point that he’s smoking not just on weekends, we’d have to divorce. If kids were grown – fine. But this scares me. I don’t want my very small children growing up with a dad who smokes pot every day. Since he was stoned, he didn’t say too much, except he thought I was overreacting.
This morning he was furious. He said my reaction was completely unreasonable and he’s angry with me. He said it’s legal, he doesn’t drink, he never smokes around the kids (this is all true) and it’s after they go to bed. He genuinely wants to know what the harm is. Please tell me – is my response unreasonable?
Anon says
I don’t know that I would have dropped the divorce bomb, but I think your reaction was pretty justifiable. Just because it’s legal and he doesn’t do it in front of the kids doesn’t mean he isn’t an addict and that his behavior isn’t problematic. Fwiw, the same could be said of alcohol which is legal everywhere and generally more socially acceptable than p0t. Also if he’s smoking in the evenings, is he sober enough to be taking care of kids in the middle of the night? I wouldn’t want him being around the kids while high but I also would resent having to take on additional parenting duties because he wants to smoke.
Anonymous says
Basically this. We live in Canada where it is 100% legal. DH and I very rarely smoke, but just like with alcohol, one of us is ALWAYS sober enough to take care of the kids if they wake at night.
Lead with the fact that it scared you and affected your trust in him because he was not sticking to your agreement. Both parents need to be on the same page re intoxicating substances when being responsible for kids. While your reaction was understandable in the moment, leading with the D word feels more threatening and will make him less open.
Depending on his reaction, it may make sense to see a couples counsellor about this issue and figure out some ground rules. It drives me insane but DH is often more open to messages from our counsellor than me, even when she is basically saying the same thing. He seems to view her an impartial third party.
Anon for this says
You’re not unreasonable. I am also in a state where it’s legal and my husband smokes. If he did it to this extent I would have the same talk. There are underlying issues (anxiety, etc) that are not being dealt with – even tho pot is not “addictive” the habit of every day is too much imo. Get to the root of the issue that’s causing him to feel the need to get stoned constantly – like alcohol, it should be socially and in moderation (my husband might vape while on a zoom with his buddies, or before we watch a funny movie together – not by himself on a random Tuesday).
Anon says
I don’t have an answer, but to break down a few thoughts I had reading your post:
1) My knee jerk reaction is I would feel the same way you do, about not wanting a pot smoking husband, but my husband drinks so it’s hard for me to separate if the drinking part wasn’t true.
2) His argument that it is legal is silly. Drinking is legal, but you clearly wouldn’t want to raise kids with an alcoholic either.
3) Obviously the really not great part above all is the lying. But…he obviously feels like he needs to lie to some extent because of your rules that he clearly doesn’t understand the rationale for. And maybe you don’t either? Just to put it out there. I think it would be fair to him and you to really sit down and soul search/discuss WHY exactly you don’t like him smoking pot on the weekdays, and maybe he can either better see things from your angle, or discuss with you why some of the reasons aren’t rationale.
TBH I do know some really great parents that are also frequent pot smokers. But, I’m sure that’s not always going to be the end result. Also TBH, on a personal note between the pandemic and our state’s stay at home orders and Christmas and 2020 I’ve been drinking over the past couple of weeks way more than in normal life (Not too excess in one sitting! But like, not even caring if I take a day off or two here and there at the moment) so maybe making a life long decision on bad habits right now in this CRAZY time we are all trying to cope with, is not fair.
Anon Lawyer says
That is a good point that we are in a horrible, crazy time. Not that that gives anyone a free pass on honest and open communication. But it is also true that we are all under a lot of extra pressure and that is going to exacerbate all our normal reactions, I think. I don’t think that means you ignore this, but I do think that part of it is worth everyone keeping in mind.
Anonymous says
You don’t want your husband high around your kids or doing drugs in your house or lying to you. No. That isn’t unreasonable. He’s a drug addict and it’s getting worse. Don’t play his games. You don’t need to prove to him this is bad. And you can’t. Because he likes it.
OP says
This is so incredibly helpful and I’m very grateful you both took the time to reply. I love him very much and he’s a great dad – I just want to know that I’m reacting the proper way and I was starting to feel like I was being completely insane.
OP says
My apologies, there were only 2 replies up when I responded – thank you so much to all of you for replying and helping with this.
Anonymous says
Tell you that you’re the crazy one for objecting to your husband getting high every night while taking care of the kids is gaslighting.
Anonanonanon says
I don’t smoke, my husband used to, and I’m genuinely curious what the issue is? How much is he smoking? Stoned vs a little buzz seems different. It sounds like it’s not interfering with parenting or household responsibilities, but if my husband was full-on stoned regularly, I’d be irritated. I don’t think I would drop the divorce bomb before having a calm conversation about why it is bothering you, and what you perceive the harm to be. Again, smoking a little bit to get a buzz before doing the dishes is one thing, getting stoned and sitting there like a blob not acting like yourself is another.
Anonanonanon says
fwiw, I’m coming from the perspective that my husband used to do it a tiny bit most nights, but then he spent the next 1-2 hours doing chores (sorting/shredding mail, doing dishes, laundry, etc.) while he listened to a podcast. Meanwhile, I was vegging on the couch watching stupid TV and eating snacks soooo I wasn’t in a position to judge.
Anonymous says
But he’s not honest with her about his state. He did it behind her back. If you have little kids, you need to let your partner know if you are drinking or smoking at all so they know if they need to be on call for parenting duties. What if she started drinking the same night and then didn’t tell him – then they are both impaired. Whether it’s pot or booze – hiding stuff from your partner is a problematic behavior.
Anonanonanon says
You’re absolutely right, I somehow missed the lying part. The lying would definitely be an issue for me. Maybe it’s worth saying that explicitly to him if that’s the case. “Hey, I get that you didn’t want to tell me because you thought it would be a Thing, but lying to me is DEFINITELY a Thing. I need to know what state you’re in, in case something happens in the middle of the night. It’s a safety and honesty issue, and it can’t happen again.”
Anon says
I’ll maybe be a voice of dissent here and say…this doesn’t seem like that big of a deal to me? pot isn’t all that incapacitating such that he couldn’t help put a baby back down in the middle of the night, it’s not like he’s operating heavy machinery, and smoking a bit a few nights a week seems in the range of reasonable. What’s the big difference if he does it on a friday or a monday? It seems to me like you might be catastrophizing a bit, he did it one day more often then usual and this has turned into “a dad who smokes pot every day” and that you need to get divorced? We all have unfortunate habits and weaknesses. I’d rather this than a dad who lost his temper and yelled at my kids four days a week for example. Or for that matter a spouse who worked late enough four days a week that he wasn’t home at all….
Anonymous says
He lied to her twice about his pot smoking and you don’t think that’s a problem. I would expect more honestly than that from my husband. IDGAF if he smokes pot or not, it’s legal here, but I would expect him to tell me just like I would tell him if I’m having a couple drinks.
Anonanonanon says
You’re right, my comment below was before you had pointed this out. I missed the lying part, that would be an issue for me, as I commented above.
Anon says
But the fact that you don’t GAF is the big difference here. Your husband would have no reason to lie. I’m not excusing it, but he’s lying to her because she does GAF so I think it’s at least worth exploring whether the reasons she does care are rationale or fair. Obviously, he should have had these in-depth discussions with her before lying about it. Not excusing it, just explaining why comparing what you just said with her situation isn’t totally the same.
Anonymous says
I’m not saying it’s the same. She has an additional issue with the pot but lying is actually worse if you are doing it to avoid your partner’s reaction. The fact that he lied when he knew he was doing something she didn’t want him to do makes it worse, not more understandable.
Anon says
I actually think lying because he knew she wouldn’t approve is worse, not better. If he knew she didn’t care then I wouldn’t really call it lying, just not mentioning it. I don’t inform my husband every time I drink wine after our toddler is in bed. I don’t consider that “lying” and he wouldn’t either. But if I knew he didn’t want me drinking and I was trying to hide the drinking from him, then that is lying.
Anon says
I don’t disagree with either of you. It doesn’t make it better. But it does add a different layer. I think the layer being that there is at least the possibility that her rule is arbitrary if she really explores it. Maybe it’s not! But it’s at least worth exploring.
Anon says
(Same Anon) like, pretty sure if my husband one day was like “Anon, you can’t drink wine on Wednesdays anymore” I would be like “mmm hmmm” *reaches for opaque coffee mug that can also hold wine*.
(Kidding! Kind of! Just trying to add some levity and make a point :)
Anonanonanon says
This is where I landed and I’m really surprised that I’m in the minority, because I’m a high-strung person and do not generally consider myself especially forgiving of my partner’s weaknesses or faults (just being self-aware, here).
Again, I’d drill down into what exactly about it bothers you. If he’s getting very stoned, that would bug me. Is it costing a lot of money? Do you feel like there is more he should be doing in the evenings? Do you feel like you don’t get quality time with a sober husband? Do you have reason to suspect he’s doing this to self-medicate something else he needs to deal with?
Anon for this says
The fact that he’s lying and covering up makes me think he knows that he’s using it as an unhealthy coping mechanism. This would for sure bother me, just like a spouse drinking to intoxication nearly every night would bother me.
Anon says
I agree with this. The lying is of course a problem and needs to be addressed, and both need to get on the same page. But I really can’t imagine someone who casually smokes by themselves after bedtime getting so stoned they can’t feed/put down a toddler in the middle of the night. If the kids needed to be driven somewhere, it sounds like OP is there and would be capable of taking over in that sort of emergency? Or there is always the ability to call an ambulance if it comes down to it. Drinking seems much more risky in terms of ability to handle kid emergencies and plenty of people do that every night. I’d for sure have a talk but I’d also scale back on immediately jumping to smoking after bedtime = neglectful/incapable parenting.
OP says
Thank you all for taking the time to help me. I appreciate all your kind comments, including “dissenting” ones, which help me see his perspective better. I am grateful for this community.
Anonymous says
I can answer this from the kid perspective! My dad smoked a lot of pot while I was growing up, and still does. He is 100% addicted and occasionally gets very serious stomaches that require drs visits or hospitalizations (there was an NYTimes article about that side affect of pot addiction if you want to do some digging). From a kid perspective- I didn’t understand what the smell around my dad was until I found a huge bag of weed, and then talked to my mom about it- super awkward. All of my parent’s “don’t do drugs” messages immediately stopped landing. It was embarrassing introducing friends and boyfriends, and I know my brother really struggled introducing his very straight edge girlfriend now wife due to the constant whiff of pot around my dad. The side affects, the stomaches, cause him to miss events and disrupt plans, and I dread the moment that my children will make the connection between the way grandpa always smells and marijuana. Was it as bad as having an alcoholic for a dad? Almost certainly not. Do I wish he had gotten his addiction under better control? 100%.
Also from a wife perspective, that lying is a big problem, and would almost be more concerning to me than the pot.
Anon says
My mom smoked for medical reasons when I was growing up, and it was that or (sometimes and) opiates for chronic pain control. Honestly she rarely got “stoned” probably due to tolerance and the amount of pain she was in. I figured out what was going on early in high school and it did rock my world as I was very sheltered at that time. Did it make me feel free to try it myself? Probably, but who knows how much sooner it was than if she had not smoked. Thinking back, it was almost certainly safer for her to smoke than to take the amount of opiates that would be required to control her pain. She was perfectly capable of taking care of the kids, although I don’t know how much she smoked when we were very young.
octagon says
Thank you for the reference to the NYT article. I have a family member who is absolutely addicted and it is killing our relationship (and killing her). I had hoped she would be a wonderful, involved aunt but I can’t ever leave my kid unsupervised with her because I don’t trust her.
OP, it comes down to trust, and the lying would be the biggest red flag. Agree with the posts above that you should be clear about your red lines with him and hold to them. And probably also therapy for him, if not both of you — something is making him want to escape into weed more than being truthful with his wife.
anne-on says
You’re not unreasonable. The lying and hiding it are indicative of it being something that is hard/er for him to control. Look, yes, its a pandemic, we all have stress and are indulging more in bad behaviors. But hiding it and covering it up is not a good look. If he can’t admit that, acknowledge why you are right to be concerned, and talk with you about his plans for moderating I can totally understand why you’d consider divorce. I was in a long term relationship that broke down because I lost respect for the person due to them repeatedly breaking promises and refusing to address their mental health. I can’t love someone I don’t respect and trust. If you can no longer trust your husband your marriage is teetering on the brink and I think he needs to understand that AND that he’s the one who brought this on himself.
Honestly – if you’re at this point – discernment therapy might be helpful. It is geared towards helping you come to a decision in a short period of time about whether to stay married or divorce, and it does so in a way that usually (but not always) leads to a mediated, more peaceful divorce.
Spirograph says
hm. I think everyone is entitled to have red lines, and if smoking pot during the week is yours, you and your husband need to decide whether that’s something that is fundamentally incompatible between the two of you. You should probably also consider whether he is self-medicating with pot because this year is just overwhelming. That doesn’t make it (or the lying) ok, but I do think it’s relevant. Using pot during the week probably wouldn’t be a deal-breaker for me if it didn’t impact his ability to otherwise be a good partner, father, and employee, but I don’t find your response is unreasonable. I think you know, though, that you could have picked a more constructive time and way to have that conversation. Table this for now, and schedule a time sometime soon to hash this out calmly, giving you each a chance to raise concerns and be heard.
My husband’s relationship with alcohol sounds very similar to your husband’s with pot. I don’t love it, but we’ve discussed and I’ve accepted that drinking while playing video games is his way to unwind. Although his own rule is that he drinks only on weekends, he breaks it when he’s really stressed out, and that’s happened more than usual in 2020. My kids sleep through the night, and I might feel differently if I regularly needed him to be “on” after kid bedtime. For now, what’s most important to me is 1. his health, and 2. that he can stop if he needs to. I’ve insisted and believe him when he says he’s honest with his doctor about how much and how often he drinks (his doctor wasn’t concerned and his liver function was normal), and he tests himself with a dry month occasionally to make sure he can do it. This works for us, but the important thing is not so much what our “system” is, but that we both agreed to it.
Anon says
My husband smokes daily and he’s an as2h0le when he doesn’t. I don’t drink or smoke at all.
Would I rather he get some therapy and maybe anxiety meds and learn to be a decent without taking the edge off? Yeah.
Am I going to divorce him over it? Hahahaha. I don’t know, I’m pretty thrilled to be the first generation of my family to not grow up with substantial physical/$3xual abuse on one side and substantial economic and emotional abuse on the other. My husband loves me and our kid. Nobody’s getting hurt or neglected. My kid will be third generation going to college and the first without GI/Soc.Security or extensive loans.
But everybody has to draw their own lines for what they’ll live with. If you can’t live with your husband smoking too much pot by your standards in the middle of a global pandemic, then I totally support that!
OP says
Well he saw what I wrote and blew up, saying I misrepresented him to be a habitual liar and on top of that calling me a judgmental b*tch. I don’t even know where to go from here. I appreciate everyone’s replies- I was comforted thinking I’d been possibly overreacting and now I realize the issue is far worse and far deeper than pot, and veering into lack of respect and contempt.
Probably it’s time to call a friend. Thanks to all for your kindness in responding.
Anon says
I would give it a bit of time and space to calm down. He’s probably hurt and embarrassed that this was posted online (even though we don’t know you or him).
Anon says
Hugs, OP. I hope you can manage some self-care over the holiday weekend.
Anon says
Oh jeez. Sorry to hear this. Good luck. Just keep in mind too that you guys are in a REALLY tough stage of parenting and all of these things may not be representative of what your end relationship will end up being once your kids are more self sufficient.
Sf says
Someone in my son’s preschool class tested positive for covid and he was exposed on Friday. We’re supposed to quarantine for ten days. School was already on break for two weeks so no change there. I don’t know if this is a silly question but since I’m stuck at home with my husband, a preschooler and a four month old I have to ask…would it be okay to have backyard play dates with other friends from school who were also exposed?
Anon says
I would not. Because my understanding is the way exposure works is not everyone that gets exposed gets it, like sometimes even in the same household. So let’s say even with the same level of exposure, your son got it but the other kid didn’t. But then get them together, and now the other kid (and family etc) might REALLY get it now.
Anonymous says
No!!!! You are supposed to quarantine. Hopefully, so this doesn’t spread. Continuing to have more contact with exposed people just increases the likelihood of spread.
Anon says
No way. Just because two people were exposed at the same time doesn’t mean they’ll both get it or both not get it. If one person gets it from the original exposure but the other doesn’t, then these play dates could lead to a secondary exposure (e.g., playdate kid gets it from patient zero classmate, your kid gets it from playdate kid). Aside from the fact that it increases your family’s chances of getting the virus, it also increases the risk to the community unless you quarantine for an additional 10 days after the last play date.
Anonanonanon says
Absolutely not.
Anon says
Please take the quarantine rules seriously. Quarantine means you don’t see anyone outside your household. Just because these people had one exposure at the same time you did doesn’t mean it’s safe to socialize with them.
Anonymous says
No! If he didn’t get it, are you trying to create more opportunities for him to catch it? Definitely do not do this. These kinds of ideas are why it is now so widespread. Stay home.
Anon says
My friend’s husband currently has COVID, contracted at work. Her 4 kids and herself have all tested negative so far. The advice from the docs and health dept is for all of them to quarantine from each other as much as possible in case one does get it. Luckily, they have a big house. Everyone is wearing masks in the house. Dad is stuck in his room w/ a bathroom. Mom put a table just inside the door and leaves food there and takes out the dirty dishes and washes them daily. Kids are luckily all over 10 and are staying in their rooms as much as possible and everyone has unlimited screen time.
I’m guessing if household members that were exposed to the same person were told to try to stay away from each other your kid’s classmates should follow the same advice. Yes it sucks but hopefully this only happens once in your lifetime.
anon says
Absolutely not. Please follow the quarantine rules for your state.
Anonymous says
Absolutely not!!!
ElisaR says
i mean, no. no that’s not ok.
Anon says
I wish you guys weren’t jumping all over her. She is taking it seriously, and is asking what could reasonably be construed as a science based question on whether it still counts as quarantine if interacting with other infected folks. Even if you don’t think it’s a reasonable question – that’s why she was asking!
Anon says
I think most people answered the question she asked and weren’t rude at all. I didn’t see any response that I would consider “jumping all over” the OP.
OP, sorry if this comes across like I’m trying to pile on, because you clearly have your answer, but I know someone who did a similar thing and it turned out that only one of the exposed families got infected from the original exposure, but then they ended up infecting the other family through their continued contact (which was mostly outdoors, btw). It happens!
Help says
Our nanny (of five years) just told us she is pregnant. Her kids are grown and she is in her mid-40s so this was very unexpected for her and we can tell she’s upset. Trying to be supportive obviously but also looking towards the future. How have others handled nanny pregnancies? How much maternity leave? Did she bring baby when she returned to work? To make matters more complicated we’ve been TTC so conceivably we’d have two newborns in the house. She’s been an amazing reliable employee. I just have no idea how to handle any of this! Our kids are 1, 4 and 5. Usually she’s watching the 1 (will be 2) year old but sometimes watches all three.
Op says
One additional thing – four (will be five) year olds school has started late this year or will get out early so actually she’s often watching him plus two year old – add in her newborn and maybe ours and that sounds like a lot. If we only had one kid I’d be all about just having her bring her baby but I worry because we have more (and want another). And then I feel bad about it!
Anon says
Our nanny is past her child raising years, but, I would treat her like a professional, i.e. some reasonable amount of maternity leave (I’d prob try for 4-5 months?) then expect her to come to work without her baby (i.e. find some alternate childcare arrangements) at least usually – obviously if childcare falls through on occasion or whatever I wouldn’t make a big deal of the kid coming over.
OP says
We (and she!) thought she was too! But yes, I hear you. I think this probably makes sense. I’m going to give her a while before we talk about it – she’s processing a lot – for now we just told her to let us know if she needs help or isn’t feeling well, etc. The kids were really excited about it (she told us all at once) which I actually think made her feel good because that was the first enthusiastic reaction she’s gotten.
I’m stressed because my husband and I both work full time in demanding jobs – her reliability has been so amazing. In hiring her, we actually loved that she had older kids so was past the kids doctors appointments and events stage. And I know now we are going to be dealing with kid sickness from both our kids and hers, kids doctors appointments, etc. This just made the next few years a lot harder than I had planned. Maybe I’m wrong. And obviously upended all of her plans too, so we really do feel for her!
Anonymous says
Please just slow the panic down
anne-on says
Gently, even if you really like her as a person and employee so far, if having her watch her kid AND your kids is not something you’re comfortable with, you should probably let her know now so you can both try to make alternate arrangements. I have tried to talk myself into childcare situations that were less than ideal before and all it did was make me anxious and unsettled as well as less productive at work. If this won’t work for you and your husband let her know, give her time off to job hunt, refer her to other families, give her great references, etc. but it’s ok to look for a situation that you are comfortable with (daycare? part time nanny? au pair?)
Anonymous says
What? I’m a professional. I get three months
Anon says
Yeah, sadly 12 weeks (which is actually a little less than 3 months) is completely standard in the US for professional jobs, including many jobs that pay well and require advanced degrees. I can’t imagine giving a nanny more maternity leave than I had myself.
Anonanonanon says
I’d consider longer (unpaid, like FMLA) just because I’d rather she not come back until most of the early appointments/vaccines for her new baby are out of the way for reliability purposes. I wouldn’t let her bring her baby to work except in extreme circumstances. Like any professional job, you can’t bring your baby to work.
Anon says
There is a (very outspoken, at least in a couple FB groups I was in) contingent of nannies who 100% disagree that babies should not come to work with them. They insist it is not only the least you can do for someone who works for you, but also that it’s a *benefit* to you and your kids by adding more socialization. They also seem to claim that basically your kids come first because that’s the job and their kids always wait… which seems.. off to me. They of course also insist that their pay cannot be reduced (some parents suggested they should pay half a nanny share rate in this circumstance). Just to say, not all nannies will automatically agree that their baby should not come to work, definitely something to address sooner rather than later.
Anonymous says
As most people do but I think that’s much shorter than it should be. I think everyone should get at least 6 months, so, if I could swing it, I’d try to be more generous. Sorry if I offended you.
Anonymous says
You didn’t offend me I just think it’s a really long time
anne-on says
I ask this as someone who is truly curious (our part time nanny is part having kids and we had daycare and then au pairs, so not an issue we’ll face) but can most people really afford/offer pay 4-5 months of child care leave for their nanny while then also having to pay another person? I understand why you would WANT to offer more pay if you can afford it but that just seems like a LOT of money that I just can’t see a ton of working parents being able to afford especially if you’ve gone with a nanny as the cheaper option vs. 3 sets of daycare bills.
Anonymous says
Lol girl unpaid leave. Ain’t no one giving a nanny paid maternity leave for months.
SC says
No, most people cannot afford that. When I had a nanny, it cost us about 1/3 of our combined take-home pay. We had her for a year because no infant daycare spots opened up.
Anon says
+1. Our nanny’s salary was half of our takehome pay, and we’re better off than most people. It was only something we could do on a short term basis until we could get into daycare.
Anonanonanon says
No. FMLA- the closest thing we have to maternity leave in america- isn’t paid, so as an employer in America I would never expect to pay months of maternity leave (nor would I be able to afford to)
Anonymous says
Haven’t dealt with this situation specifically but in a similar situation, if I thought this nanny was our long term person, I would be inclined to do a 3-4 month maternity leave (can you get a college summer student to cover – is she due around June?) and then allow her to bring the baby part-time (like 2 days a week or half days). If she has grown children, that would likely help make it more sustainable for her to arrange childcare. And I’m of the view that kids generally benefit from being around other kids. Your 4 and 5 year olds will be in school full time next fall so she’d have your two little ones most days and your two plus hers on other days and possible all 5 for the afterschool period on some days.
For dayhomes in our area, it’s legal to have 4 children total including no more than 3 under 3 and not more than 2 under 2. Registered dayhomes can have up to 6 with the same age limit of not more than 3 under 3 and not more than 2 under 2. To me, that says that it would be a reasonable amount of childcare for her to care for 4-5 children on occasion.
OP says
Hmm yeah. Her kids both work full time as teachers, so we’ll see about them. 4 year old actually has another year of preschool before kindergarten so he’s part time. She’d end up with a five year old, 2 year old and two newborns pretty regularly (this is assuming our attempt to TTC works).
I think she could do it, the 1-2 newborns thing does give me pause. DH this morning (to me) pointed out “well we already have two cribs!” but if we had a baby we’d need, what, 3? We’d be right at the registered dayhome limit, but just in our house paying our nanny $25/hour – should we give her a raise? We usually do for another kid!
We’ll probably wait to see if we are pregnant. But yeah, I definitely wouldn’t purposefully hire someone who was bringing their kid – my kids don’t need added socialization! So this is so tough. I think she’d be much better off with a family with one kid where she brings her one kid, but we feel loyal to her and it would probably be tough to find right now – and they’d probably pay her less in my market.
Anonymous says
I wouldn’t worry so much about her ability to find work vs. your ability to find another nanny with 4 kids. I have three kids and two friends with 4 kids each. We were all interviewing nannies around the same time a couple years ago and they had a much harder time finding a nanny as most preferred families with 2-3 kids.
OP says
oh my goodness, you’re right. hadn’t thought about this. we have trouble finding regular babysitters with three! good point. thank you for making it!
Anon says
I’m impressed you both have demanding jobs and are going for #4. I don’t have a demanding job and can barely handle my 2. This sounds like a tricky situation. I feel for your nanny and kind of feel sad for her that termination isn’t more socially acceptable bc i don’t think people should have kids they don’t really want, though I’m sure your nanny will be a wonderful parent to her kid
OP says
Honestly, we were going for #4 because we have this incredibly reliable nanny who’s become a member of our family! I will definitely try not to panic, as another poster called me out on.
She’s an awesome parent – raising them as a single mom, she got her two older children into a great charter school in town and then both went to college and graduated. She’s bragged to me that she always managed to chaperone their field trips and was very present too. I think she was really looking forward to relaxing more and enjoying their success, and now she’s starting over. Her friends are all becoming grandmothers!
CCLA says
If you are paying on the books, your state may have some paid coverage available to her via disability or otherwise. I’d look into that, too.
OP says
Good call – we are!
Anon says
There are a lot of carts that are behind a lot of horses here.
She’s in her mid-40s. A lot can go wrong with a pregnancy at that age for both mother and baby. She may need to be on bed rest. She may not carry to term. Her child may have special needs that require full time care for her. The best thing you can do for her now is to make sure that her job is not one more thing to stress over.
You say you are TTC. If you conceive in the near future, then around the time your nanny returns to work, you will be going on maternity leave. Do you want to pay your nanny to be paid her full amount when she’s watching your kids and her kid while you’re on maternity leave? (No judgement if you do, especially if your mat leave is paid or partially paid.)
More likely, you’ll conceive in 2021 and deliver in late 2021 or early 2022. You’ll get off maternity leave when her baby is almost a year old.
OP says
All good points. We’ve been TTC for 7 months (two miscarriages and one month off) so I’m really hopefully we have a baby in the fall. I’d deliver at 36 weeks because I myself am high risk. We have a lot to figure out.
ElisaR says
cross this bridge when you come to it.
Anon says
FYI, the new UK variant (which is probably already in the US too – we just don’t have the level of genome sequencing they do) is thought to be more transmissible in children. https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-55406939 I’m not trying to terrify anyone – so far there’s no evidence it leads to more serious illness in kids or adults, or that the vaccines won’t be effective against it – but I think a lot of us have been making risk calculations based on the fact that our kids are generally less likely to catch it and spread it, and that may no longer be true. We’re currently with my elderly parents and being extremely cautious, but when my parents leave and we go back to the “new normal,” we are probably going to change some of our habits and in particular avoid playgrounds with other kids on them.
Anonymous says
Literally what are you trying to do if not make people more worried?
Anon says
Give people more information that might change their decision-making about risk with respect to kids, because it changed my decisions. Information can be useful, even if it isn’t cause for panic.
Anonymous says
We’re looking at making similar changes re playgrounds with other kids. DH is a scientist and noted that the fact that a new variant has emerged in both UK and South Africa with a similar tendency towards increased transmissibility makes it more likely to see that evolution towards increased transmissibility elsewhere. Reassuring that the tendency does not seem towards worse disease – just more transmissible disease. Not panicking but definitely reviewing our choices.
Anonymous says
if I’m remembering undergrad microbiology correctly, this is not unexpected at all, right? It’s no good for a virus to kill its host before it has a chance to infect more hosts. So lots of viruses mutate to be more transmissible and less lethal (like a cold! and the flu!). We’re already doing masks and distancing for everyone including kids etc etc so I don’t see anything that needs to change here.
Anonymous says
Not unexpected but occurring a little faster than typical per DH. Some do evolve to be more deadly but that’s less common. Whether or not you need to modify anything probably mostly depends on where you are, what your community spread is like and how cautious you are currently being. For our family, it will likely mean a few changes, for others it may not.
Anon says
It’s sort of a misconception that viruses have an automatic tendency to mutate to be less lethal. It has happened in many cases, but isn’t always something that you can expect to happen. It’s to the virus’ evolutionary advantage to become less lethal if it kills its hosts too fast to spread effectively, but Covid is already spreading extremely well as it is so there isn’t really any pressure on it to mutate. What will likely put more pressure on Covid to change genetically will be once we get a lot of underlying immunity, through infection or vaccination, and then mutations that make the virus less deadly wouldn’t have an evolutionary advantage – but ones that help the virus evade previous immunity would, and those mutations may have no effect on deadliness or even make the virus more deadly. Typically mutations happen pretty slowly though. Over years there’s likely to be genetic “drift” that would make the original vaccines less effective (they’ll be updated though), but it’s extremely unlikely that one mutation would suddenly emerge that would render all existing vaccines useless.
On the social distancing point, I think we have a lot of evidence at this point that masks work and I’d be comfortable going to playgrounds if everyone was in masks. But in our area most kids don’t wear masks on the playgrounds, so the evidence of increased transmissibility in kids is making me re-think playgrounds with other kids present. I’m still not very worried about transmission via surfaces, especially outdoors where you have sun, wind, rain, etc.
Anon says
This is a really good article on how viruses mutate and why Covid might not necessarily mutate towards lower virulence: https://undark.org/2020/11/11/coronavirus-evolve-less-deadly/
This is a key point: “Like plague, Covid-19 is a stealth infection, and that might ultimately slow evolution toward lower virulence. Yersinia pestis, the germ that causes plague, tamps down the early immune response, so that infected people can travel and spread infection for days before they feel sick. Similarly, people infected with SARS-CoV-2 seem capable of infecting others before experiencing any symptoms. This sly mode of viral spread may make the evolution of lower virulence less likely, as infected but asymptomatic people are the perfect mobile viral delivery systems.”
The article also explains that the more likely reason that it will become less deadly is not because of any genetic changes to the virus, but because we’ve all been infected and/or vaccinated at least once and have underlying immunity. Just like you may remember your first case of flu being the most severe, different strains of a virus can infect you if they’re genetically different enough from the original strain, but once you have immunity to one strain you won’t typically get as sick with subsequent strains. There are some notable exceptions like dengue but that’s how it works for cold and flu and how people expect it to work for coronavirus. A lot of experts believe that the four coronaviruses that circulate every year and cause cold-like symptoms may have started out more like Covid-19, killing a reasonably large number of infected people, and that this one will eventually become the fifth “mild” coronavirus.
Anonymous says
cool, thank you! that makes a lot of sense.
Anonymous says
That’s not what that article says though. It says they are investigating the hypothesis, not that it’s been proven. Media will latch onto anything that will make parents panics
“He stressed the link was still being investigated and was not yet proven.
“If it were true, then this might explain a significant proportion, maybe even the majority, of the transmission increase seen,” he added.
But Prof Julian Hiscox, chair in infection and global health, from the University of Liverpool, told the BBC there wasn’t any evidence “at the moment” that the new variant is able to infect children more efficiently.
He said this would be looked at closely by scientists over Christmas.
Scientists involved in COG-UK, the Covid-19 Genomics UK Consortium, which detected the rapid increase in the variant, said they were not aware of any increased incidence in children.”
Anon says
I said it’s “thought to be” which I think is a fair description of a scientific hypothesis. I work in a related field and follow a lot of virology experts on twitter and know a couple in real life, and the consensus among them is that it’s likely more transmissible among children. It’s extremely hard to “prove” things in experimental science, especially about Covid, which is so new. Agreed that we should have more evidence one way or the other in the coming weeks, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth paying attention to now. The existence of some experts who disagree also doesn’t mean there isn’t a general consensus about it. But as you point out, the article does include the perspective of a more skeptical expert, so not sure why you think this is evidence of “media panic.”
Anon says
Can someone remind me when to start small pieces of soft table foods? We’ve been doing puree with my son since 5.5 months. He just turned 8 months old and is eating thicker/chunkier purees but hasn’t tried any real food yet. This is my second kid and I swear I forgot everything about this phase of feeding babies since I disliked it so much the first time. I’m generally a relaxed mom about a lot of things but choking is my biggest source of mom anxiety.
anon says
8 months is definitely an ok time to try harder solid foods. For your concern (I, too, was a choking anxiety mom) I would start off with “puffs” (which dissolve in the mouth or with any moisture), cheerios, or rice husk crackers.
New Here says
My daughter was around that age when we moved on from purees. I think we actually did salmon first…just tore of some tiny pieces. Also avocado. toast strips with cream cheese. Sliced bananas.
Anon says
I had anxiety about choking too, and we started table foods with whole peas because they can be swallowed whole. The concern with choking is only if it’s small enough to be swallowed but large enough to block the windpipe, like a grape. A pea can’t do that, it will just go out the other end (although tbh I think my daughter was pretty good at chewing from an early age because we rarely saw whole fruits in the diaper).
CCLA says
Choking is a concern of the trachea, connected to the lungs, distinct from the esophagus connected to the digestive system. Yes, smaller pieces are safer because they are less able to block the trachea, but it is not because they will just go out the other end…
CCLA says
Ah, now i see you probably meant that if they try to swallow it would block the opening to both, sorry! We had a scare with our daughter inhaling a tiny piece of food early on, and didn’t want people to think that small pieces meant that there are no hazards.
TheElms says
8 months is fine to start table food. Some early favorites for us were roast sweet potato (roast until very soft), roast parsnip, scrambled eggs, sliced kidney beans (drained, rinsed from a can and cut in half), banana, baked apple, bits of strawberry, and blueberries cut in half.
Virtual ideas says
Question from a non-mom here…..
My niece is just about to turn 5 & lives a plane ride away (which isn’t happening).
What are some ideas of things that I could do with her remotely during the holidays (over a video call)?
Would be fun to do something hands-on rather than just talking to her.
Anonymous says
You could probably play candyland (or similar) online together – either you get a copy and move pieces to or just use your own dice to roll – hold up the dice to the camera so she sees the number and then she can move the piece for you on her game board.
Reading books is also good. Lots of library have e-books. Just ask your brother/sister for 5-10 of her favorite and check out the ebook and she can follow along on her physical copy.
Or each do a drawing video on youtube and then video call to compare how it went. Or play the video on your tv and video call her while you are doing it.
Anonanonanon says
She’s old enough to appreciate Bingo! Maybe have some prizes you can mail her or a little online gift certificate when she wins. There are some free online platforms for Bingo, you could call the game and each play a card.
Watching a movie virtually with her and letting her talk about it/comment as much as she wants would be enjoyable for her and a very welcome break for her parents. I think there are apps for watching movies together now. You could even mail her a cute pair of PJs and some (already made! please don’t inflict snack prep on the parents!) treats like Cheryl’s cookies or something so y’all can be cozy together apart.
You seem like a very nice Aunt!
At the risk of sounding like a Grinch, please don’t pick anything that is going to involve the parents setting up a craft, helping bake something, etc. This has been a helluva year for parents and if someone–no matter how well-intentioned–mailed something that put another responsibility on me, I might just cry.
Anonymous says
Scavenger hunt of household items?
Anonymous says
If all else fails, watch a video together using screensharing. My son also likes to do google image searches for dinosaurs and stuff.
Anon says
Bake the same cookie recipe together (will need parental supervision). Or both have cookie decorating kits (or gingerbread houses) and show each other what you are decorating.
Anon says
I hosted a Zoom bridal shower for my SIL and mailed all the guests cookie decorating kits. They’re about $20 on Etsy and came with cooked cookies and premade bags of icing and sprinkles. It was a huge hit. I think something like that could be fun and doesn’t involve too much parental involvement at age 5. Definitely do not try to bake with her, as that would require too much from the parents.
This is so thoughtful of you!
Virtual ideas says
Thanks everyone for the ideas – some great ones in here. I think I can try a couple of them.
Also appreciate the perspective on putting more work on the parents.
My sister & brother-in-law is in the tough situation of juggling 2 small kids and 2 careers in a location with increasingly strict lockdowns. My niece (the older child) has started to have daily panics/meltdowns that she is not going to be able to see her friends again until she gets a vaccine. :-( :-( The main thing that I really know about her situation is that I don’t know what that is like.
I am 2000 miles away & across an international border, want to do what I can.
Anon says
You are an awesome aunt. Echoing that virtual scavenger hunts are fun and easy at that age.
DLC says
We’ve had success playing Lion in My Way with a range of kids from 3-8 years old. It’s a game where you get cards with things on them and then there is an obstacle card, and you have to use your thing to get past the obstacle. (ie. “I’m going to use my pogo stick to jump really high over the lion to get past him.”
DLC says
oops… meant to include a link to Lion in My Way:
https://eeboo.com/products/lion-in-my-way
Anonymous says
My girls are 4.5 and newly 7. Does your niece have a tablet/kindle/iPad? Even if she can’t read yet you can message with her and play games with her on Facebook messenger kids. My 7 y/o texts with my sister but my 4.5 y/o plays games and records voice messages.
If she doesn’t have one and the parents are OK with it, you could even buy her one. We got our kids kindle fire for like $50 when they went on sale. Or the FB kids app for any device.
You can read her books over zoom too. What works best is if you read an online book and do the screen share (instead of holding a physical book up to the screen).
You can send her workbooks (mazes, coloring books, puzzles Etc) in the mail and FaceTime with her while she does them.
Have her give you a tour of all her My Little Ponies and ask lots of details (what’s their power? Who is your favorite? What do they eat? Etc). Tell her stories over FaceTime. Have her do a dance recital for you. Check out the ArtHub kids channel on YouTube together.
My kids would spend all day on FaceTime with my sister if we let them :-).
anon says
Show her how to make a Memoji and then listen while she makes a million faces at you.
Anon says
You are a great aunt. Kids that age love freeze dance – you could zoom and be the DJ while she dances (and then stop it so she freezes, of course). Bonus gift to her parents that this really tired kids out.
Anonymous says
I don’t know if anyone is reading but I’ll ask anyway… My daughter is 3 next month. We’ve made half-hearted attempts to potty train since the summer but tried in earnest over the holiday weekend. She’s excited about wearing underwear and sitting on the potty and seems physically ready because she can hold her pee for hours, but she’s unable to release anything when she’s sitting on the toilet. It doesn’t matter how frequently or how long we sit her on the toilet, she will inevitably tell us she can’t get anything out. The most we got out of her all weekend was a little dribble in the potty and then she stood up, pulled her pants back up and peed all over herself (and burst into tears- she definitely understands she’s supposed to stay clean and go in the potty). I googled and found suggestions about running water, blowing bubbles, tummy massages etc while on the potty to help get the pee out and we tried all that with no success.
What do we do? Do we just go back to diapers? I hate to give up because she seems completely ready physically and is telling us she wants to be potty-trained and wear underwear, but I don’t see how we can send her to school in underwear if she’s basically never using the potty. On the other hand, she can hold it so long that the accidents aren’t actually that frequent (she’s still in a diaper at naptime and nighttime and mostly dry in between) so maybe we just keep trying?
Anon says
This is super weird, so ymmv and I’m sure there’s better advice from others. But for some kids, it’s scary to let pee out into the toilet. It can help to put a strip of toilet paper across the seat under them before they sit down, and let them pee onto the TP. For some reason, peeing into a big bowl is scarier than just peeing onto a strip of paper closeby. Typically it only takes a few tries to get the hang of it, but if you have to ween off the strip, it’s easy to just make it dip a little more each time until it’s hitting the water. Good luck!