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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
AwayEmily says
I think my 3.5-year-old is finally patient(ish) enough for games (board games or similar)…any recommendation for games that are appropriate for that age? I have no idea even where to start; we were never a big game family growing up.
Anonymous says
Candyland, Go Fish (deck of cards) or Uno or Trouble or Jenga are good starting games.
Board Games says
For that age, highly recommend the Richard Scarry Busytown game and The Cat in the Hat I Can Do That. Candyland also works (a classic) and Robot Turtles (introduces programming to early learners). A bit older (5-6) we loved Spot It and Guess Who.
rosie says
Question: I really dislike reading the Busytown books (some worse than others, but something about the work ethic + incompetence, I guess?). Is it a terrible idea to get the game? My kid does love Richard Scarry.
Board Games says
It is a cooperative game with an I Spy vibe (i.e., find all the ___ on the game board). The visuals are very Richard Scarry, but you don’t get the copy (which is what I imagine rubs you the wrong way).
rosie says
That sounds bearable, thanks.
Pogo says
I hate that all the blue collar works are pigs. It feels racist, somehow? I’m probably reading too much into it.
My kid is always very upset that Mr Frumble can’t catch his hat.
Sarabeth says
Those books are so racist. It’s not just the pigs. Bananas Gorilla?!?!
rosie says
The hobo that doesn’t work but rides the train in the boxcar. I skimmed a book that talked about different kinds of pests — people who don’t say please, people who litter. I just don’t need my kid adopting (in the way that toddlers latch onto things) this view of the world.
SC says
They’re also extremely hetero-normative and portray women in very traditional roles–either housekeepers or nurses, teachers, etc. Ugh.
Of course, my kid is obsessed with trains and trucks and cars, and I’ve read Cars and Trucks and Things That Go more times than I can count. And my kid is really curious about how things work and loves the different diagrams in What Do People Do All Day. No joke, Kiddo can explain plumbing, electricity, air conditioning, mills, and power plants to you any time you want, thanks to that book and my husband’s patience.
Irish Midori says
+1 for the Busy Town game. I think it’s cute, and really easy for kids to get the hang of.
lawsuited says
Tactile games like Hungry Hungry Hippos, Operation or Guess Who would be fun.
CPA Lady says
I am not know for my patience, but I found a lot of games pretty hard to play before my kid was 4 (and I mean the 5 end of 4). If you are more of a relaxed person than I am, YMMV.
That said, we like:
-Yeti in my Spaghetti.
– the Tea Party spinner game from Eeboo is great
-A simple memory/matching game where you flip the cards over and try to find matches – I got one at the target dollar spot a while back and it’s been fun
– Snails Pace Race — LOVE this one.
I’ll be the voice of dissent and say I did not like Candyland for that age. It takes forever and whatever version we have has a very visually cluttered board that made both my daughter and my nephew easily confused about which way to go on the path. Now that my kid is 5, she’s a lot better about playing it. We’ve also gotten into card games lately. But that is not something I’d do with a 3.5 year old.
HSAL says
I think the cooperative games are really good for the 3-4 age range. We like ones from Peaceable Kingdom – Hoot Owl Hoot, Snug as a Bug in a Rug. Sneaky Snacky Squirrel is also a fun one.
Ms B says
+1 to Peaceable Kingdom games. They were and are a hit with that age and are moderately decently made.
Anonymous says
Memory, Crazy 8s, Go Fish, Chutes and Ladders, Old Maid, Uno
I do not recommend cooperative games for very young kids just learning to play games. Starting off with cooperative games makes learning the rules of traditional competitive games confusing. It seems like it would be easier to start off with competitive games and then introduce cooperative games later on.
Anonymous says
I’m surprised at some of these recommendations – a lot seem way too complicated for a 3.5 year old. For us, cooperative games were much better (and still can be at age 7) because loosing causes such extraordinary anguish. I’m sure it is character building but it wasn’t what I wanted to deal with on weeknights. Learning to play games is a lot about taking turns and following rules, which cooperative games can do.
Our first game was Count Your Chickens. One great thing about this game is that it becomes easier to win the more pieces you loose. Memory can work but it is easier if you start with just a few pairs rather than the whole deck.
9:34 anon says
We started with Snail’s Pace Race at age 2.5 and Candyland shortly thereafter. In Snail’s Pace Race, players take turns rolling a die and moving the snail whose color is rolled. In Candyland, the player moves her own marker to the color she draws. After Snail’s Pace Race, our kid found the concept of a marker that belonged to her confusing. I don’t think it would have been as much of an issue to go the other way, from competitive to cooperative. Once she figured out Candyland, she had no issues picking up Chutes and Ladders, Memory, or card games around age 3. I think we started with Uno a bit later because the rules are more complicated.
Boston Legal Eagle says
We do Candyland, the memory game where you flip over cards to get matches and Yeti in my Spaghetti.
You asked for games, but I’ve found doing puzzles with my 3.5 year to be much more enjoyable. He’s done puzzles up 50 pieces (usually sticks to around 20-25 though), and I like helping out when he asks. I myself enjoy doing puzzles, so maybe that helps.
Ms B says
+1 also to puzzles. At that age, the large Melissa & Doug floor puzzles (available for decent prices at Homegoods) were a big hit, particularly the alphabet train, the fire engine, and the solar system.
Anon says
HABA My very First Orchard game has been a hit with both of our kids starting early on in the 3s. You can get overly animated about worrying about the Raven, and if you all lose (cooperative game) have him pretend to eat all the fruit in a really animated way which always gets our kids to laugh.
+1 also to the Hoot Owl Hoot game someone else mentioned. Our 3 year old loves it.
Otherwise Zoo on the Loose & ThinkFun Roll and Play Game (this one is for on the younger side but our 3 year old still likes it) are also hits with us.
SC says
We like Sneaky Snacky Squirrel and the memory game for competitive games. For cooperative games, we like Stack Up and Outfoxed. (Outfoxed may be better around 4 years old, but it is a really fun game that I actually enjoy playing.) I think there are character-building benefits to competitive games and also agree that sometimes you don’t feel like doing anything character-building on a weeknight after work–so we have a small collection with both types of games.
AwayEmily says
Thank you so much everyone! These are awesome suggestions. I ordered a few and put a bunch more on our grandparent list for the holidays.
EB0220 says
Can we talk about the state of our houses? I know this has come up before but I’m feeling down. When I go to my neighbors’ houses they’re all pretty tidy. Even when I just drop by to pick up the kids, etc. Mine is usually somewhere between messy and disaster except for the few days after the cleaners come. Are the naturally tidy people out there spending tons of time tidying? Just have less stuff? Have a housekeeper? If you’re neat, tell me your secrets! If you’re messy, help me feel better?
Anonymous says
We do dishes and tidy up after kids are in bed every day. I really resented doing it at first (was DH’s idea), but it does take only 10 min. max and makes the house so much less stressful to be in. On weekends the house reverts to a messy disaster during the day, but it’s nice to start each weekday and go into the weekend with a relatively calm space.
HSAL says
We’re basically a toy-disaster most of the time. We clean up the kitchen every night (save for a cluttered counter) but I only clean up the toys about once a week (or more if people are coming over), usually at the start or end of the weekend. I just can’t be bothered to pick up every night knowing they’ll destroy it before we even leave for daycare in the morning. I do think having less stuff is a big part of it, but I have a mom whose love language is gifts and I’m not willing to push back on that. So we just don’t buy them much on top of that.
AwayEmily says
Yeah, we also have a scheduled cleanup time. The baby goes to bed at 7, then we alternate who does bedtime (toothbrush, stories, etc) with the big kid, which takes about a half hour. Whoever doesn’t do bedtime is in charge of cleaning the downstairs during that time. I like this system because I only have to clean up every other day — and it’s always so lovely to tuck her into bed and then come down to a (relatively) clean house.
Cb says
We do something similar. After dinner, one of us reads or plays with my son while the other stacks the dishwasher. Then we do PJs together and one does bedtime and the other tidies toys, wipes down the sinks, gets lunches ready.
Anonymous says
I lean messier but less stuff and regular tidying are key. I’m not able to KonMari my whole house by I am focusing on having a specific spot for each item and less stuff overall. Last winter we switched to two toques per person and two sets of gloves/mittens. We kept a small bin of extras in the attic in case we lost something but I’m halving that this year as we very rarely dug into it.
DH does the dishes every night. I do laundry but I need to get better about doing in nightly instead of like 8 loads back to back on the weekend.
Cb says
I’m not naturally neat but we’ve somehow become neat people since having a baby. We have a weekly housekeeper which keeps things from getting out of control and we’ve gotten rid of a ton of stuff. In a two bed 700 square foto flat, this is super important.
We do a 10 minute reset before bed – we leave the train out on the living room floor but all other loose pieces are away in the cupboard.
Marshmallow says
It’s basically the same for us– was not naturally neat but something about having a baby has made me care a lot more about clutter. We straighten up after she goes to bed and just upped our cleaning service to weekly, which forces us to tidy.
I had to basically jettison the living room because that’s where we’re stashing extra furniture during a mini-renovation downstairs, so that’s incredibly annoying, but at least the kitchen is always clean. And the baby’s room, because stepping on toys in the dark is no fun.
Anonymous says
I’m naturally messy but keep my house neat. Housekeeper, trying to simplify as much as possible, everything has a place where it should be, and I spend 5 minutes a night tidying, starting with the areas a guest would see when they walk in.
Lyssa says
We’re definitely more in “disaster” territory, and, admittedly, we were never great even pre-kids. But I have in the past couple months made a point to try to pick up at least one thing that is out of place every time I am up or walking through a room, and am insisting that the kids clean up something before they can use electronics, and it has really made a big difference.
Anonymous says
Mess stresses me and DH out, so we have a combination of less stuff (ruthless purgers) and tidying every night. DH does dishes while DD plays and I feed the baby/get DS ready for bed. Having no dishes in the sink makes me feel good. I usually tidy up after both kids are in bed. DD is 2.5 so we make her clean up toys as much as possible before bed and then we do the rest. Laundry runs constantly, and DH and I do not have a lot of extra clothes or stuff. Everything has a place except we have one “drawer” in the kitchen which is a cat hall for keys/wallet/checkbook/stamps/etc..do not have a cleaning person. I don’t clean on a schedule but just when things start to look yucky. I tend to clean for an hour Sunday night so things are fresh for the week. I wouldn’t say my house is immaculate but I wouldn’t be embarrassed for people to drop by. I also want to add that needing your space to be totally in order isn’t always the best. I wish sometimes I could just let the mess lie for a day or two, but I can’t.
Anon says
I’m the same way. Mess really stresses me out. As annoying as cleaning and putting away everything constantly is, I know myself & know that that annoyance is worth it to me to not feel the distress I will feel going to bed & waking up to a mess. Unfortunately this is just my anxiety at work, & not really a tip I can share – I also wish I could be happier in a mess.
Thinking what I do practically though – all toys have a place that is easy enough to understand, so our kids know exactly where everything should go when it’s time to clean up and they can help as much as possible. Having this set up takes a lot of effort around birthdays and Christmas (when new toys come in) including major clean outs at those times and trips to the Container store to make it all doable. I *try* to make the kids clean up whatever they were playing with last before moving on to the next thing (b/c that provides a natural motivation I can control vs. just trying to demand it pre-bedtime w/ no real incentive) although it doesn’t always work this way. We live in a small house so all playing happens in the main living area where we are all hanging out together so it creates easy awareness on my end of when they are moving on & motivates myself to keep it clean since it is where we all hang out.
Dishes get done immediately after each meal. Ideally by whoever did not do the cooking.
Constant trying to at least get everything out of place in the right vicinity (downstairs, upstairs etc.) of where it should go throughout the day so at night putting it in it’s final spot isn’t as daunting.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Our house (woo! Just bought a few months ago) is more of a mess on the weekends when we’re there almost all day than the weekdays. On the weekdays, we try to do a bit of clean-up in the mornings before we rush out but most of the pick-up happens after our youngest is in bed and our oldest is taking a bath/getting ready for bed. For now, we’ve divided up tasks such that I do the youngest’s bedtime after dinner, then I do dishes and clean-up while my husband does the oldest’s bedtime.
For weekends, we do occasional pick-up of toys throughout the day, but there’s still clutters of toys around in the living room for most of the day. We try to do dishes at least after breakfast and dinner, but throughout the day there are still messes. My oldest’s room is also a hodge podge of trains and other toys, which just remain as is. We don’t really have too many people over other than my parents, who I don’t care (too much) about seeing our messes.
Clutters of toys and messes bother me as a neat, organized person, but I’ve come to accept this as the reality of having small kids. I’d rather spend my time hanging out with the family and relaxing while they nap than constantly cleaning.
We have a biweekly cleaner for the deep cleans.
anon says
we are messy. i really really really wish we weren’t and i always have these lofty goals of being tidy, but i often choose sleep/laziness over tidying. most week nights i do dinner/bedtime solo for our 15 month old twins and i am then just so done. i do clean up their food and their toys, but we definitely have piles of paper/hide all of our extraneous stuff in our bedroom. currently in our bedroom we have a toaster oven that i need to return, a huge garbage bag of donations, a box from a new pillow we purchased, 3 work shirts to return for DH, a broken picture frame, a children’s board book that needs to be taped up, and some other target returns. i guess if someone came to visit they might think we were sort of tidy, but it is all hidden in our bedroom
SC says
Our house is pretty near disaster-level right now. We’ve never been particularly neat or clean, even before kids, and most of the messiness is not directly kid related. We don’t have a cleaner–DH is mostly a SAHD, and either he’ll get to it sometime (maybe even today) or we’ll spend some time in the evenings this week cleaning.
We clean for company, and sometimes even invite people over to give us motivation to clean. So, you’d never know we were messy unless you were very, very close friends.
FVNC says
Similar to the comments above, messes in MY space stress me out — I cannot relax if I know there’s tidying that should be done. I also work from home, so I have time during conference calls, etc. to put things away. The downside of this is, my kids pick up after themselves less often because I do it (I’m working on not being their maid) and I think I foster less independent play because toys and activity books are tucked away. Again, trying to work on this, with a more “Montessori” approach where I leave several things out at their level and rotate…seems like a decent compromise between my need for everything being put away and my kids need for toys.
Note, I do not care about the state of others’ houses at all.
Anonymous says
I think this is a stuff problem as much as anything. DH and I decided we’re going to fake moving in a couple months — and take a couple days off work with the kids still in school/daycare so we can just purge, make goodwill runs, rent a dumpster if needed etc etc.
Our house swings wildly between messy and tidy, depending on how my week is going. Like baskets of folded laundry that need to be put away are against the family room walls, mail piles up before I take a half hour to go through it, kid toys start migrating into the living room, things get tucked in the corner of the kitchen counter, or set on the dresser, or shoved in a drawer because I’m sick of looking at it on the dresser.
We clean the kitchen every night, and I do a tidying sweep through the living room a couple times a week after the kids go to bed, and make the kids clean up their toys in the family room or their bedroom a couple times a week, but it’s a sisyphean task unless you just have less stuff to make a mess with, imho.
Annie says
Our apt. is often near disaster. It unfortunately takes a while to tidy when people are coming over. I’d love to be neater but prioritize making sure the dishes are all done and the kitchen is clean every night since I find dishes in the sink overnight gross, and the toy detritus just stressful not actually gross.
Anonymous says
Being tidy is very important to me as a component of managing generalized anxiety. My house is tidy to others when it’s messy to me, and sparse to others when it’s tidy to me. Unfortunately, there’s no secret magic to it. We have a lot of storage furniture so that everything has a place. I force my toddler to put away his toys before moving on to the next activity. I force my spouse to hang his jacket in the closet instead of draping it over a dining room chair indefinitely. I consider clean up from an activity (whether it’s cooking dinner or opening a package) to be part of the activity and don’t move on to the next thing until the clean up is done. During the week, I do a 20 minute quick tidy before I leave in the morning, and again before I go to bed. I have repositories in each room where items that don’t belong in that room can be quickly deposited until I have more time to return them to their proper place. If something doesn’t have a proper place, it’s sold or donated immediately. I have a “to donate” bin in the garage at all times. At the weekend, I spend probably an hour each day carrying piles of things all over the house to return them to their proper place. I do a “spring” clean of the entire house 3 times a year in the spring, in the fall and after Christmas and move out-of-season items into storage. Our storage room is set up with labelled clear bins on shelves so that out-of-season or infrequently used items can be put away immediately by anyone in the family (although it’s most often me). Minimizing the amount of stuff and having a place for everything is essential to having a tidy house, but both take a ton of work. I feel like I spend so much time getting rid of things (mostly kid stuff that they are gifted or outgrow) and even more time moving the things we do have from one part of the house to another.
Anonymous says
Wouldn’t treating your anxiety be better than constantly cleaning and forcing your family to live up to your unreasonable standards?
Go for it says
+1
Sounds exhausting
Anonymous says
I don’t see how expecting her kid to put away his toys, asking her husband to hang up his jacket, and cleaning up after cooking dinner are unreasonable. That actually seems pretty normal to me.
Anonymous says
+1
Anonymous says
+1
Clutter is bad for mental health so this kind of routine sounds great.
IHeartBacon says
+ Infinity
Buddy Holly says
Your system sounds good to me Anonymous. Putting away toys and jackets are just good habits. Although maybe easy hooks for jackets by the door would be something to consider,as that often is an easier habit than hanging in a closet. Many people have generalized anxiety in a cluttered space, I don’t think your routines sound unreasonable at all. So the prior comment is not very helpful. I’m sure you would know if the anxiety became a bigger issue that you needed to work on separately. One thing to consider, you say you feel you spend so much time getting rid of things. I used to feel that way and I have cut down on that feeling a lot by being a better gatekeeper on not allowing clutter into my home. I say no to free things that we don’t need or want. I try to make thoughtful purchases to avoid overbuying. And I let go of the guilt of immediately donating unwanted gifts that we don’t really need.
June says
My house is typically not totally clear of clutter, unless the housekeepers just came, but its never to the point where I’d be embarrassed if someone stopped by unexpectedly. We have housekeepers every 2 weeks and clear all surfaces for their visit. Every night I wipe down the kitchen and we don’t let dishes pile up. Every night the kid’s toys get put away (they typically only stay in the play room). We have a dog and I vacuum the main living areas every other day. The only bathroom on the main level is a powder room that stays clean enough between housekeeper visits.
I make an effort to keep the main living areas presentable at all times, but less effort upstairs. Key is not having too much stuff and everything having a place. We had issues with coats, shoes, mail etc so we utilize coat hooks, mail organizer on the wall and baskets for shoes. I only have one laundry basket, so if one load is folded and waiting to be put away, I can’t complete another load until the first one is put away.
My laundry room and spare bedrooms are catch-alls though. If I had a surprise overnight guest I’d need at least an hour to clear to the spare room.
Anon says
We are messy. For us it is probably a combination of too much stuff and exhaustion/laziness. I also take the view that our friends know us and love us, and our friends are also deep in little kid territory – anyone who judges us for the state of home doesn’t need to be in our lives, and there’s some value to having a house that’s not too precious for kiddos (ours and theirs) to dribble all over. When we have parties I pick up the toys, clear off enough seating and table space for our guests, wipe down the bathroom and call it a day.
Prime examples – our guest bed is filled with (clean) unfolded laundry – usually 5-6 loads at a time. I do a massive folding session every few weeks or when we have guests. Dishes are left in the sink until someone can load and unload the dishwasher (usually once a day, but then we get sick, work late, etc., so sometimes it slips to 2 days). Kid toys are an explosion; every other day we try to scoop them into the designated toy receptacles in each room so that we can vacuum all the kid crumbs and lord only knows what other detritus (found a dried out acorn the other day in a corner and pulled two stink bugs off an orchid this morning). Toddler typically dumps the toys back out within 30 seconds of the vacuum cleaner being turned off. We usually have a couple of weeks of mail collecting on the kitchen table (I sort through for bills when I bring it in, but anything not a bill gets saved for a rainy sunday or before the housekeepers come). We have housekeepers who come every two weeks and take care of the “dirt” cleaning. But clutter usually reimplodes within 12 hours of their departure and stays until the next time. I do make the bed every day as my small sanctuary of tidiness.
CPA Lady says
Reformed horrible slob here. We could have our house company ready in 10-20 minutes pretty much anytime. We have a cleaner every other week.
Habits I’ve developed that really help:
– make my bed each day and have kiddo make her bed every day
– kiddo puts away all her toys before bed
– put the hanger for my work clothes on the closet door so I see it right away when I get home and put my work clothes on it immediately rather than dumping them in a heap somewhere
– run dishwasher every night and empty it every morning
– dump junk mail directly into the recycling bin outside and not even bring it into the house
The concept that has helped the most is to try to be more present and in the moment. I used to rush around and come back to complete chaos. But I had to slow WAY WAY DOWN. And actually talk out loud to myself when I was in the “learning how not to be a slob” period in my life. Like I make a smoothie every morning, and I had to talk myself through the whole process of taking everything out AND putting everything away/in the dishwasher. Eventually I learned how to do it without having to talk myself through it.
Now when I leave a room, instead of rushing around, I try to STOP and look around and see if there is anything I can pick up or throw out or put away right away. If you focus your time on big impact items, that really helps. It’s amazing what fluffing the couch pillows and folding the couch blanket up will do to improve the whole room right away. It’s the same thing as making the bed in your bedroom. Big impact, small effort.
I did the Year to Clear course a couple years ago and it really helped change my thinking about tidying– instead of having a really overwhelming all or nothing thinking surrounding it, I learned that even picking up and putting away one single small thing is valuable and a step in the right direction. It turns out that a lot of small positive changes really do add up.
Buddy Holly says
I rely on a combination of having minimal stuff and doing a small bit of clean up every day and a designated cleaning time on Sunday. Keeping stuff minimal is hard, you have to work at it on all fronts. First, eliminate clutter from coming home in the first place. We’ll just say no to the free tote bag, stickers, bonus gift item, or whatever people are trying to give us unless we really need it or will actually use it. I think extra hard on bulky purchases that are going to take up a lot of room/floor space. I focus hard on buying only what we actually need and not have extra stuff. It is surprising how much this gatekeeper mentality keeps clutter from coming home with us in the first place. When picking up, I try to default to letting things go versus keeping things. This framing makes a difference for me. “Any reason to keep this?” is a different question than “Should I give this item away?” So we love or need the item, I give it away or toss it. I do this every few weeks in various areas of the house, and also take up mini opportunities to purge, such as when I open up a crowded door or am cleaning up the bathroom or putting stuff away in a closet or pantry. For daily tidying, I make it as easy as possible. Everything has a designated place and I have bins and hooks and easy storage for toys so that stuff can be swooped up and put away very quickly without a lot of thought or energy. Hooks are your friend for doorway and closet clutter.
Blueberries says
I would consider my small house exceptionally tidy for having two kids.
My secrets that others can follow:
-I’m ruthless about getting rid of stuff and not acquiring things.
-I tidy often
My habits are shaped by the fact that I grew up in an extremely messy house, which negatively impacted me. I really, really don’t want that for my children. It’s easier not to acquire things (or get rid of things) when my experience has been that too many things leads to major problems.
DLC says
For what it’s worth, I always panic clean when I know people are coming over, so maybe it’s not being fair to yourself to make comparisons.
I always comment to my husband how neat our house is after our cleaner comes, but then I realized it’s all the same stuff as the day before, she just stacks it neatly for us.
Our other thing is that we are pretty strict about keeping toys in the play room. If the kids bring a toy to the living room, they have to take it back to the playroom at the end of the day. so the playroom is a disaster, but I just shut the door and don’t look at it.
Anonymous says
my house is always a mess. there is never much actual dirt/crud–we kept things swept and dishes done and I’m really on top of the bathrooms (and so is my biweekly housecleaner), but if it’s not the night before or the day after my housecleaner comes, things are covered in clutter.
I’m a cluttery person, DH is a cluttery person. I WFH and am home all day. We live in almost 4000 sq feet and it’s worse than it was when wiht was just me, DH and my oldest in 1200sq ft. there is crap everywhere.
buffybot says
Ooooof, it has been a morning. Husband is on overnight business trip and I am leaving for one this evening. Go to our safe to grab my passport (thankfully did this first thing) and discover that the battery has died and that the safe is therefore impenetrable. There is a back-up key for this purpose but 1) this has never happened before and 2) the safe is 15 years old, pre-dates me, and my husband has no idea where it is.
Luckily a locksmith and an exorbitant fee was able to resolve this in an hour – and thankfully our nanny was already scheduled to arrive 30 min before her usual time, so another adult was there to distract the toddler from the whirring drill and flying metal bits. MONDAYS!
Strangely I did have an anxiety dream about forgetting my passport about 4 days ago – guess I’m psychic? Also, can you tell I don’t travel for work much?
On the subject of the business trip: On the off-chance anyone has good suggestions for how to spend a spare hour or two of time in London/Canary Wharf, would love your input! I know it’s not really the most appealing part of town.
Anonymous says
Just walk around! Lots to see there
Cb says
Take the boat to North Greenwich and wander around there. Nice cafes and the park and observatory are gorgeous.
Anon says
Our safe has had a low battery warning for awhile. Thanks for the reminder to change it! Ours is keypad and key so I don’t think it would open with just the key. Now to figure out how to change the battery . . .
Just curious, what kind of proof did the locksmith want that it was yours?
buffybot says
Absolutely none! Which I thought was sort of hilarious. I think they figured that a harried mom running around in pajamas with a suitcase half-packed was exactly who she said she was (and our safe really only has documents and maybe a set of cufflinks). I kind of expected them to at least check the passport that I said I wanted…
Pogo says
omg, nightmare scenario. My husband realized his was in the <6mo window and couldn't travel recently. Like, as he was checking in for his flight the app told him "You might not be able to enter Brazil because your passport expires within 6 months" or whatever. Also you'd think the visa and the passport would be linked somehow to prevent this, but no.
buffybot says
The 6 month window is bizarre to me. Like, if I can’t travel with it during that period, then why don’t you just move up the expiration date? Except then you’d be restricting travel 6 months before THAT.
lsw says
This drives me nuts!
Pogo says
Totally. It’s supposedly just w/ those countries which we don’t have reciprocal no-visa agreements (I think) but then like I said, if you already have a visa, shouldn’t something cross-reference that and be like, well their passport is expiring in 6 months, but they have a visa to be here for X length of time sponsored by Y company, so they’re good. They just don’t want you getting stuck in their country, I think.
Anon says
The 6 month rule definitely applies to countries (including the EU) where Americans don’t need a visa to travel. My husband was denied boarding to a flight to Denmark for that reason. Your husband was very lucky they let him on the flight!
Case of the Mondays says
I know it doesn’t make your day any better, but I can comiserate just a little on the Monday. I went to drop some clothes off at a consignment store at lunch, and managed to lock my keys in the trunk. Phone, purse, wallet all in the car. I wound up walking 6 miles home to get the spare key, half of it barefoot because blisters (walking shoes were also, you guessed it, in the car). Thankfully a kind SAHM neighbor drove me back to my car on her way to pick up her kids from school.
Oh, and I’m 29 weeks pregnant, and it’s apparently still summer here.
Anonymous says
Oh my god, I’m 26 weeks and I’d be totally wrecked if I had to walk that far and it’s 90 where I’m at too. I want to hug you.
Favorite plane activities for 2.5- year-olds? says
We have a couple long plane trips coming up, so looking for more activities to add to my collection. Tablet time is definitely one of them, but they get bored after 30 minutes or so.
Prior hits have included sticker books, playdoh, stringing straws on pipe cleaners, and coloring. Anything else been a hit with your kid at this age?
Anonymous says
Those gel window clings
rosie says
We get some time with the Lalaboom large bead things. They can attach different pieces together, take them in and out of the bag, etc.
anon says
water wows, making necklaces with cheerios or fruit loops, magnets. using some painters tape to make a ‘road’ on the tray for a little car. i really like the instagram account/blog Busy Toddler for this kind of stuff
SC says
My kid is obsessed with Melissa and Doug scratch art pads–they can scratch with a coin or even their own nail if the pencil is too much at this age.
Books! Richard Scarry books are really good on planes because they’re long and have a lot to look at. Also, 2.5 may be old enough for a simple “find ’em” book.
2 Cents says
Just bought a new Curious George find and seek book that’s pretty simple for a little kid (nowhere near the where’s Waldo level of complexity lol). Got it from Target.
Buddy Holly says
Amazon and places like Staples usually have some workbooks for kids that age. Things like simple mazes, folding practice, find the matching object, etc. My child usually needed my help with them, but they are perfect for sitting beside child on the plane.
EB0220 says
Airplane magazines/skymall and looking at pictures/videos on my phone! And eating.
Flexible work schedule says
I’m currently on maternity leave for my second baby and will be going back in a month. I’m trying to think of whether I want to ask for a flexible schedule, and what that would look like. Does anyone here work flex hours? How do you structure it? Have your co-workers been ok with it? I’m in-house counsel at a multinational corporation. I generally have a lot of meetings during standard working hours, and also have some at night with colleagues in other parts of the world (although these aren’t that regular, more on an as needed basis and I take them from home). I guess I’m wondering if a flex schedule would work, or possibly cause friction with colleagues who are trying to schedule meetings for times when I’m not available. Anyone in a similar boat?
Anonymous says
What is your goal with the flexible schedule?
Anonymous says
Not in same situation but DH’s office has flex hours for certain positions (unfortunately not his), but one of the requirements is that the hours must include 10am-3pm local time. Can you figure out when the majority of meetings usually happen based on your work history and commit to being there during those hours?
Cb says
I have a slightly funny flexi-schedule where I have Tuesday AM off and work 12:30 – late on Tuesday, my husband works 8-12 and has the afternoon off. We initially couldn’t get a Tuesday spot at nursery but now really love it. I really appreciate the time to do ‘mom’ stuff during the week and we can book dentist etc on our day off.
Anonymous says
Your day care continues to astonish me with how strange it is! Who ever heard of not being able to get in on Tuesdays?!?
Cb says
Haha, no, it was just that they didn’t have any spots. Most kids aren’t there full-time so Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday are their busiest days. It’s also a factor of funding – you get a certain number of state funded hours from 3 and some people just do the funded hours.
Anonymous says
I think this is what the above poster found weird! Around here part-time options would be MWF or TTh, so the notion of only having a spot MWThF is strabge to us!
Pogo says
I have a few coworkers who do 7:30-3 in the office and then get the kids from school and do all after school stuff w/ them until bedtime. Then they log back on to finish stuff up, or take calls with Asia as necessary. It works pretty well, they actually put in Outlook what their working hours are so it’s greyed after 3pm and you know not to schedule a meeting with them. I might try it when my kid(s) are in school, and there are sports/activities in the evening. Right now w/ a kid in daycare only, I’m happy to maximize the hours I’m paying for and work a (close to) standard schedule.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Most of the people at my company who work “flex” hours (i.e. something other than the standard 9-5) are exempt, hourly so it’s easier to enforce. For the non-exempt, salaried people, at least in the legal dept., it’s more of a culture where you can WFH one day a week, or as needed for appointments, etc., but limiting and enforcing specific hours would be difficult. Can you try to WFH one day a week and see if that helps with some of your flexibility needs?
Alternatively, there are a few (very few) salaried employees who work part-time, with certain days off, but they take a hit in career progression and salary, unfortunately.
I agree with Pogo that with babies and little kids, it’s in a lot of ways easier to work the standard hours, and elementary school is when it gets a little trickier with the 3pm end time and sports, etc.
So Anon says
I’ll share my schedule: I am in house at a sub of a large multinational company. I am in the office Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Each of those days, I get into the office around 9 (45 minute commute depending on traffic). Monday and Wednesday, I have a sitter pick my kids up from the bus and stay with them until 7. When work requires it, I work later on those nights or I use those nights to run errands (Trader Joes, pick up dry cleaning, fill out forms at my desk at work, whatever). Tuesday and Thursday, I work from home. On Tuesday, my son has OT at 2, so I pick him up from school at 1:30, we hussle to OT and are back to pick up my daughter from aftercare by 4ish. I generally work the hour during OT and will take calls to and from OT, if need be. Thursdays, I work from home from 7-3:45, much of the day in PJs and it is glorious. Friday, I am back in the office for a normal 9-5 workday. My schedule has evolved over the last three years, with the addition of OT, changing the days I work from home, etc. My biggest challenge is that people love to schedule meetings at 4 on Thursdays, and I respond that I am not available. My boss, my coworkers, and our clients (internal) are incredibly supportive. I think it helps that I am willing to come into the office on the days I work from home if I need to be here, and at least 1-2x per week I work in the evening after the kids have gone to bed.
Anon says
My schedule is like So Anon but it’s more of a reduced schedule than straight flexible schedule. I’m an attorney in private practice. MWF are my main days and I’m expected to be in the office (or court etc) during all business hours. T and Th I am not expected to be available, but handle court appearances, meetings, conference calls, emergencies as needed. I also use that time for involved writing and research at home if needed. People outside my office probably aren’t even aware I’m part time, because taking a day to respond isn’t atypical if an attorney is out of the office all day for deposition, court etc.
I love this schedule because I can do all doctor appointments, personal business etc on T/Th. Also, if kiddo is sick I typically make husband stay home MWF because I can do T/Th.
Anon says
Biglaw here. I work from home every Wednesday. Normal hours, just remote. I do come in for big meetings on Wednesdays from time to time. Since we have in-home care for my baby, originally it was a way to break up pumping, and now it’s a nice mid-week break from the daily commute.
NYCer says
I work 75%. I take one full day off and come in late another day. Beyond that, I don’t WFH with any regularity (for me, I am much more productive at the office and I enjoy coming into the office), but I can if need be.
MRSKBP says
Wise hive,
Please help with an earring and necklace combination for this dress. I’m attending a family weeding this weekend. I am terrible at this! Thanks! https://www.lordandtaylor.com/karl-lagerfeld-paris-tulip-three-quarter-sleeve-scuba-dress/product/0500089370496?R=190169385060&P_name=Karl+Lagerfeld+Paris&sid=16DA69ABFC81&Ntt=karl+lagerfedled+dress&N=0
CCLA says
With the high neckline, I would skip the necklace and go for chandelier earrings. Nice watch or, if you’re not a watch person, a bracelet, and maybe a statement ring. Basically focus on areas other than the neck.
Buddy Holly says
I would do a long statement necklace with more subtle earrings, like studs, small hoops, etc. Links to follow, but you could also probably find something at Express, Kohls, Macys, etc.
Buddy Holly says
https://www.kendrascott.com/jewelry/categories/necklaces/long-necklaces/lilith.html?cgid=long-necklaces&dwvar_lilith_stoneColor=217
https://www.amazon.com/MOLOCH-Necklaces-Pendant-Necklace-Statement/dp/B07BC7R4LW?psc=1&SubscriptionId=AKIAILSHYYTFIVPWUY6Q&tag=duckduckgo-ffab-20&linkCode=xm2&camp=2025&creative=165953&creativeASIN=B07BC7R4LW
https://www.kendrascott.com/jewelry/categories/necklaces/long-necklaces/eva-gld.html?cgid=long-necklaces&dwvar_eva-gld_stoneColor=001
Wow says
I know it’s a typo but I chuckled when I read that you’re going to a family weeding.
Anon says
Hi all, thanks for the good vibes last week – I thawed out my frozen eggs, transferred one blast at day 5, and got a very very very faint line today, 5dp5dt. I know it’s still early but can’t tell anyone other then my husband yet, so wanted to post here!
Anonymous says
Congrats!!
Pogo says
!!!! I missed as have been travelling for work but CONGRATS! I’m hoping to do an FET soon, love to hear the success story.
T says
So thrilling! Hope it continues to go well.
FVNC says
After all the comments on the main s i te and here about no-shows after “yes” rsvps, I wanted to share some happy news: we had only one no-show to my daughter’s birthday party yesterday, and she had so much fun! I was really nervous because we’re new to town, this is a new school, and we don’t know the kids or parents well. I was nervous it would be easy for folks to bow out…but they mostly didn’t! I was so happy for her, and enjoyed meeting the other parents. Thanks to those who show up for the new kid!
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yay! I too was nervous for my older kid’s birthday party earlier this year and was so happy that almost everyone who RSVPed yes showed up! We really make an effort to go to all of the birthday parties that we’re invited to from my son’s class, knowing how much I appreciate it as a parent when others do.
Anonymous says
We could and we did. DH and I made about 40/60, 50/50 then 60/40 for a a few years but the second salary was redundant. We bought a house that we could afford on one good salary. I got laid off. I worked part time (only a little) and bore the brunt of the house stuff. In that time, DH got 2 promotions.
Prior to that, though, DH was in school and bore the brunt of kid stuff with our first kid. I had my first kid, and DH was basically the Home Parent/Default Parent for 18 months. I worked my butt off to get my company sold, then got 2 big promotions. My company sold. I worked even crazier hours and was pregnant again. I was eventually laid off with a big package and got my equity vested early as part of the layoff. When I left, it was at a title I’m excited to be at for the rest of my career if need be.
I had a bunch more kids (we have 4 now). I’m 38 and am starting up a new company. The timing worked really well for us that I could make good progress in my career then right as I was burning out, I could lean out for a while and let DH kill it for a while.
Buble says
Is anyone here currently living off their partner’s income such that they could decide at a moment’s notice to quit working and stay home with the kids? If not, how easy would it be to make the adjustments that would allow you to do so?
Anon says
Yes, literally 100% of my salary goes into retirement accounts. I never see my paycheck. If I was quitting to stay home we wouldn’t be paying for daycare ($1500/month) so we could use that money to up my husband’s retirement contributions significantly and would be fine. If we still had to pay for daycare and didn’t have my income (eg., if I lost my job but wanted to find another one) things would be a lot tighter.
anon says
We are currently doing this – my income (which is not super high, work in local gov’t) all goes straight into savings at this point, and most likely I will start funneling some of it toward my student loans (after we build our emergency fund a little more). I have considered staying at home, but only because I truly loathe my job. If I could find something better, I would be extremely unlikely to continue saying that (that may change if/when we have a second kid, though, so who knows).
Anonymous says
Now that my student loans are paid off, my entire income also goes straight to savings (retirement + cash). We could cover our routine expenses on my husband’s income, but we wouldn’t be able to travel, pay for pricey kid activities, pay for college, save up for major expenses like new cars and home repairs, or save adequately for retirement. For Reasons, I also need to maintain my career for risk mitigation purposes. I do hope to retire a couple of years early, but that’s it.
Anon says
We did. DH decided to become a SAHD when we had our first. I am the fiscally conservative one with a more stable career (he was self-employed but making an overall comfortable albeit wildly unpredictable income), so when we decided to buy a house, cars, set our budget, etc., well before kiddo was born we made sure that we were comfortable doing it off of my income alone, which made the decision for him to stay home very easy. I love my job and would lose my mind staying home, and my job pays very very well, so it works out.
anon says
kind of. we essentially pay for me to go to work bc childcare costs more than my salary. if i quit, we wouldn’t have the childcare expense but i would probably go insane and i am very grateful that we are in a position where we can afford to do this.
Anonymous says
No please stop this nonsense. You both have children. You are both responsible for ensuring they are cared for. Only half of day care is attributable to you.
This is lazy anti-feminist math that drives women out of the workforce. Be better than this
Labor economics says
No, that’s not how economics works. It’s not anti-feminist, it’s math. Yes, both parents are responsible for ensuring that children are cared for. But when the couple is jointly deciding whether it’s worthwhile for a second parent to work, it’s that parent’s income that gets compared with the entire cost of child care. The calculus is exactly the same for a SAHM as for a SAHD. The problem is that other parts of the equation (long-term cost of leaving the work force, risks of not maintaining one’s earning capacity, etc.) get ignored.
Anonymous says
The very premise you are starting with assumes that one parent not working is an option worth considering. Until men are routinely contemplating whether or not they will work, this is anti-feminist and wrong.
Nan says
You’re doing a lot of mental gymnastics here but the reality is that this is a simple math problem. If one parent chooses not to work, there will be cost savings in terms of daycare.
Now, you personally can decide that’s not a legitimate option for your own life, and that’s fine, but it doesn’t change the math. The numbers are the numbers and there is a cost of two parents working.
We can argue about what we should do with that information, but we can’t pretend those facts don’t exist.
Nan says
I also don’t think it’s fair to say that it’s wrong for any individual woman to consider all of her options – including staying home – until more men consider staying home.
I work full time but that’s my choice. My husband works and that’s his choice. Working full time is not my moral or feminist obligation.
Anon says
I agree that childcare is a shared expense and women remaining in the workforce has value beyond the $$ earned, but she is right that “they” (as a couple) currently pay for her to work if her salary is less than childcare. She didn’t say anything anti-feminist.
Nan says
I don’t think this is fair. I understand the sentiment, I think, but the reality is that if the lower earning spouse – male or female – was not working, day care would not be required.
I realize that in many households the lower earning spouse is the woman, but that’s a separate issue that had nothing to do with anon’s comment about her own family/work situation.
Anon says
We decided long before we had kids to structure our finances so we could afford to live on one income if I didn’t want to work. So husband’s salary pays all living expenses. My salary goes to my costs to work (daycare, dog walker, housekeeper, more meals out), spending money for me and the kids, vacations and savings. So, if I quit my job we would have to cut back on vacations, eating out, entertainment, clothes/grooming etc. I don’t hate my job enough that I’d want to ratchet down the budget in those departments.
Buble says
Literally one of my biggest downsides to not working would be the fact that I would likely become our family’s housekeeper, a service we currently outsource. I’ve never cleaned my own house in my adult life (always worked), and the thought of taking that on is highly unappealing…
Anonymous says
We could do it, but it would not be seamless. Childcare is our biggest expense at around $2,800/month, and our fixed expenses were all committed with the idea that we wanted to be able to live off of one income if needed or desired. We can totally cover our house, car payment, insurance, retirement savings, and groceries, household essentials & mundane stuff like clothes (although we would be more mindful/strategic about that spending). I make about 2/3 of our HHI, so there would be major lifestyle changes. Today, we don’t really look at our budget when making decisions about kid activities, entertainment (other than big vacations), or purchases less than $1000, and that would all need to change.
Anonymous says
Nope, we’re close to 50/50 on income but I make more (his benefits are really valuable though). We live in a HCOL area and I think we would have to move much farther out to live on one income or downsize to a 1 bedroom apartment. I mean, plenty of people live in our area on much less than we do, but I wouldn’t want to given the choice.
Pogo says
+1 similar story. Close to 50/50 (not sure what the exact breakdown is and depends on bonuses for the given year), HCOL area, would potentially live somewhere else if it was only one commute we were looking at. Would have to cut back on all discretionary spending, wouldn’t want to given that we are able to save so much now and don’t have to be super tight on budget.
Anonymous says
Nope and I loathe this framework. It’s not “partner” it is husband you’re talking about and I find the whole saving all of wife’s income thing to be really offensive.
Labor economics says
In economic terms, the partner who is more likely to drop out of the labor force is considered the secondary earner. In OP’s question, (would YOU, a mother and wife, be able to drop out of the work force), the wife is the secondary earner. So it really is the wife’s income that is covering whatever would be forgone if she dropped out of the labor force, whether that’s child care, vacations, or savings. If the question was “would your husband/spouse be able to drop out of the labor force,” then we would be thinking of savings etc . as coming out of his income. If it was “would either partner be able to drop out of the labor force,” the secondary earner would be whichever partner would be more likely to choose to drop out. That’s just how the economic analysis works.
AwayEmily says
This is incorrect. The “secondary earner” in a couple is the person who earns less, not the person who is more likely to drop out of the labor force. So in any couple, the secondary earner is whoever makes less.
Anon says
What, why? I know lots of couples where the wife makes more and if one salary is going mostly/entirely into savings it’s the man’s. And what’s offensive about living off one income and saving the other? It seems really smart and frugal if you can afford to do it (I realize in many parts of the country this is almost impossible to do, so not judging anyone who doesn’t).
Boston Legal Eagle says
I don’t like this thinking either but I know it drives a lot of women to quit or go part time because the jobs that they are in tend to pay less and childcare costs are so high, and the result of that is that women and traditionally women-dominated fields continue to be paid less, resulting in a vicious cycle.
Childcare is a shared expense, and you have to consider your long-term goals as well. Retirement, future earning power, a backstop for the unexpected happening to the main wage earner. Childcare and running a house are hard work and important, but the reality is that it leaves you (and the kids) very vulnerable and dependent on the wage earner. I think I am too risk-averse to depend on just one income, whether it was mine or my husband. We’re in a HCOL area and are not independently wealthy so we both work. We are trying to save enough to both retire early though.
Anon says
Except she literally said “partner.” You could do this in a potential SAHD situation or in a marriage between two women. There’s nothing offensive here!
Anonymous says
Yeah, I don’t understand the comment either, and agree there’s nothing offensive. It doesn’t matter whether it’s your husband, wife, or any other life partner, the question is whether you are working because you literally will not be able to pay your bills otherwise, or whether you are choosing to work. I don’t think you have to be mother or even a woman to fantasize about quitting your job at the drop of a hat, and it’s sound financial planning to know what the ramifications would be if your income abruptly disappeared.
Anonymous says
Yes, sort of. When we took out our mortgage it’s based solely off his earnings. (Actually, the mortgage company gave us a ridiculous runaround and refused to credit my income for anything because I have shifted between employee and contractor roles at various points. But we just rolled with that and figured it was for the best anyway in case I ever lost my job or quit.) And we get all benefits through his job.
FVNC says
This is interesting to think about. Although I make 2/3 of my and hub’s combined salary, my husband’s job has extremely generous benefits that make his total comp similar to mine. I could stop working, and because of those benefits, I don’t think our lifestyle would change much. We’d dial back on the 529 savings, but otherwise, we could still afford the little luxuries we have now. If it didn’t mean more child care for me, I’d be serious tempted, ha!
Anon says
Yes, we could easily live on my husband’s income. I work for my own sanity, plus the benefits at my job are better, so we’re on my health insurance. If I quit tomorrow, we’d probably net the same amount of money on a monthly basis if you subtract childcare costs and taxes, because every dollar I make is taxed at the top marginal tax rate.
Anon says
Early in our marriage, my husband’s entire paycheck went to paying down student loans and then into savings. Once we paid off student loans and had a nice savings account plus a down payment for a house, we decided to have kids so he kept working. For several years, daycare for two kids in our HCOL area cost about the same as he was making. Now he’s earning more, the kids are in public school (although also still need after care and summer care, neither of which is cheap) so we could go back to saving most of his income or consider him becoming a SAHD.
But honestly life is too short. We enjoy spending the money on things like flying our parents to visit us, flying out to see them, and not thinking twice about supporting the neighborhood kids in whatever fundraiser they’re peddling this week. Plus he loves his job more than I love mine, so it wouldn’t make sense for him to quit even though we could afford it.
Anon says
Yeah, my husband makes around 7x more than me? And when you factor in taxes and childcare, we are taking home around 30 cents on every dollar I make. I’d love to work less than full time (poster above, I hear you!) we have three kids and there’s just so much to get done. I’m going to try to negotiate it in the new year, fingers crossed. Even just going 80 percent would feel so good!
NYCer says
Yes, my husband makes close to 7x more than I do. I work for my own sanity, and because I generally like what I do and like to go to an office, etc. I work reduced hours (75%), which seems like a good balance for our family.
We could technically live on just my (full time) salary as well, if the need ever arose. We don’t have a particularly extravagant lifestyle currently, but we would need to make some adjustments if we were just living on my salary.
Anonmom says
For those of you with partners who have very busy, sometimes unpredictable work schedules, do you do any special planning for childcare for your own business trips? DH is a biglaw senior associate, with a heavy workload and near-daily client firedrills. I am being asked to attend a conference cross-country and trying to figure out childcare. I am usually the one getting the kids ready in the morning and putting them to bed at night. Conference would have me away all day Sunday through late Wednesday night. I can ask our nanny to increase her hours somewhat, but I don’t think I can ask for much more than 70 hours that week (which is already ridiculous and would just be DH’s normal hours). Should I get backup in case he has his usual firedrills? The logistics of this seem daunting.
Anonymous says
Is he incompetent? An invalid? For some reason incapable of contributing to being a parent by figuring out for his own self that he needs to a) book childcare or b) be at home?
Anon says
My partner has a big job and I typically don’t make special childcare arrangements when I’m out of town. My husband has the number of a great nanny agency if he needs extra help.
I’ve been a biglaw associate and I get the pressures. However, I think it’s really important that men not be given a pass to avoid juggling childcare. It would be a rare firm that your husband’s female counterparts aren’t sometimes also needing to get home to put their kids to bed. Please, don’t do everything for him so that he gets a leg up by virtue of having a wife.
Let him handle getting the kids up and putting them to bed for a few days while you’re gone (or figure out back up care if he absolutely must).
Anon says
This x1000.
For the sake of his female counterparts, let him deal.
My husband travels much more than I do and works longer hours in the office, so I’m the default parent. But, I no longer stress that he’s going to have to cut his days short when I travel. It had started to feel like I needed “permission” to travel for work, so I stopped stressing and they did fine.
Buddy Holly says
+1. You might give him some resources for backup if you already have them, like a list of babysitters or the number to a nanny agency that can schedule last minute care, but let him figure it out. And if you don’t have backup resources, he can find that for himself too. Just tell him, “I’m not scheduling childcare beyond nanny’s usual hours so you will need to figure something out if you need to work late. Check with your firm to see if they have a backup care option or call around to find a nanny service.”
Anon says
I do, but only because I work an 80% schedule and our nanny follows my work schedule. If I’m not home, we do need to arrange extra childcare to get us through from 3 PM to whenever DH is done with work that day. He’s often gone when I have to be as well, so that usually means arranging overnight childcare as well. I suppose I could leave this for him to figure out but since my mom usually steps in to help in these situations, I deal with it.
Pogo says
We have local family, and my husband will coordinate with them when he needs extra help with pickup/bedtime (I typically do the same when he’s travelling). I’m thinking we should try and hire an additional babysitter, though, for when my parents aren’t in town and one of us is travelling.
I was a little annoyed last week when DH texted me a picture of a sesame street diaper (which we don’t buy) and asked “He came home in this. Does this mean we need to send more diapers?” Me: “Idk, what do you think?” -_-
Anon says
My DH travels 5 days a week. When I have work travel (since it’s much less frequent) it is on him to arrange for childcare. If he can’t adjust his schedule to be around for my travel, then he needs to figure out a backup plan. But no way am I taking on an extra burden for this. He gets to have weekly work travel without thinking about childcare, so I get to travel 4x/year without ME having to think about childcare. I am not a default caregiver just because I travel less than his crazy schedule.
(I know it can feel overwhelming and you’ll likely get pushback from your DH. But stand firm and know that most couples with two working parents and one with heavy travel make it the heavy traveler’s responsibility when the other is out of town. Otherwise you’re not married to a partner, you’re married to a nanny.)
Anonymous says
This is really individual for the family, I think. If it were me, I’d just expect husband to be home at bedtime for those days. But if that is not possible, there is nothing wrong with you and your partner deciding as a unit that one spouse or the other has the task of arranging childcare just as you decide as a unit who does laundry, who cooks, who does daycare drop-off, etc. If you’re worried, you might consider initiating the discussion now. “So, you remember I’m gone in a few weeks right? And you’ve scheduled your calendar appropriately?” One thing that hubby and I do that helps each other immensely is to send a calendar invitation to the other’s work calendar for when we’re gone. If I were you, I’d send calendar invitations to block out those evenings with “OP out, DH at home with kids” or whatever you feel is most appropriate.
shortperson says
i have been in biglaw many years and this has never occurred to my husband.
Tired Mama says
Sleep question – our 14 month old’s wake up timing was slowing creeping from 6/6:15 to 5:30 and then last week, suddenly jumped to 4:45. She wakes up crying and won’t go back to sleep (at least not within a few minutes, So far, we haven’t tried letting her CIO at that time because we don’t want her to wake her brothers). We’ve tried pushing her bedtime back a half hour over the weekend and it worked Friday night, but not Saturday night (and then she took a monster nap on Sunday to make up for staying up later, I assume). She’s getting molars, so it may be her teeth bothering her in the am. Any suggestions to get us more sleep? Because she seemed to be making up for the later bedtime with a longer nap and because of the teething, I’m hesitant to keep up with the later bedtime, but pre-5 am wake up is so rough!
Anone says
My 2 year old whines all day every day. It’s incredibly grating and makes time she’s here really unenjoyable. Is this normal? Will it ever get better before age 6?
Anonymous says
Lol yes that’s all children it gets better when they go to college
Anon says
It is definitely normal for kids to whine, but if it’s literally close to all day every day, then I would guess there’s an underlying issue you should figure out and address. Start with the basics – better food, more sleep, more attention, more down time, more autonomy (a huge one at 2!), less stress.
Anon says
Oh and fewer (no) screens (with whiny characters…) :)
June says
I agree. My two year old has whiny times or days, but it shouldn’t all day every day. If he’s whiny he’s either sick, tired, hungry, bored or wants attention.
Mrs. Jones says
Yes and yes. Age 4.5 was when I started enjoying my child SO MUCH MORE.
EP-er says
I can’t stand whining/baby talk when kids are older. I make sure that they have my complete attention & say “I’m sorry, but I can’t understand you when you talk that way. Can you try again?” I find this redirection helps, in addition to the suggestions above re: underlying issues.
Pregnancy Apps says
What phone apps did you use while pregnant to track the progress? During my first pregnancy, I used babycenter but found their community comment threads useless/annoying and didn’t love the user interface. Now I’m early on in my second pregnancy and just wondering if there are better options.
Anonymous says
Not an app but I find the Babycenter weekly emails manageable.
Anonymous says
I used Glow, because I found their description of what size the baby was to be really funny (it wasn’t just fruit, it was things like classic toys, a cell phone, etc.). They also had a good comprehensive list of medications to avoid/take by classification.
SG says
I use Ovia- but refuse to answer their invasive questions. It’s helpful for weekly size updates and for tracking kick counts later on.
BabyBoom says
We have been so fortunate to have a short commute to daycare. However, due to an upcoming move we will have a temporary increase in the time our preschoolers will be in the car. Right now they are in the car 10 minutes if there is a lot of traffic. Our new temporary commute will be at least 30 minutes each way, even more if there is bad traffic. For anyone that has a commute with a 3 or 4 year old, what do you do with them? I would prefer not to do tablets. So far my only idea is coloring books.
We anticipate that this will last for about a month. We are living with family while we renovate a house we are purchasing. Alternatively we could try and find a short term Air bnb that is closer to daycare for a month. But since we have family that is very excited to have us stay with them it seems silly to spend the money just do shorten our commute.
AwayEmily says
We did this (also a temporary situation while we were closing on a house) and it was not as bad as I expected. After school, kids are often so emotionally/physically exhausted that they appreciate some time to zone out. We also depended a lot on Raffi (“singable songs for the very young” was basically on repeat).
I think the bigger challenge was making sure they still got enough time to get their wiggles out before bed, so I would try extra hard to get outdoor time (whether that’s stopping at a playground partway home, taking them out after dinner, or something else).
Anonymous says
Are your kids generally okay in the car? I don’t find 30 minutes to be a problem for mine even without special entertainment. We listen to music, talk, looks for things out the window, etc.
Anonymous says
I drive daily with my 3 year old an hour to work/day care and 45 mins home. She has a couple toys in the backseat, we listen to music, we talk to each other, we do I Spy, and she naps. Children do not need screens to survive a car ride.
avocado says
I commuted an hour each way with my daughter from 4 months to 4.5 years. The only entertainment she had was a soft toy and music. The only issues we had were (1) the time she eviscerated a stuffed toy that was not particularly durable and (2) when she was potty-training and liked to ask to stop at the rest stop because it was fun to visit a different potty.
Anonymous says
30 mins?? We talk, she sings, I give her books and stuffed animals. We only do a tablet for 2hour plus road trips.
Pogo says
Snacks and DJ kiddo’s favorite songs.
Anonymous says
Kids’ music and books or magazines.
Anonymous says
Best advice is to get your kids interested in cars – then every drive is an automatic fun adventure while they identify every car that passes by! This is actually a serious suggestion – somehow my preschooler is obsessed with car identification and it means we never bring anything to do in the car, even for long drives.
Boston Legal Eagle says
My 3.5 year old just learned the symbols for the cars and loves pointing them out (stars mean Subaru! H for Honda! funny H for Hyundai!) I’m not sure where he learned it but I’ll take it.
SG says
My almost 3yo is very into the Hamilton soundtrack right now. She’ll say more after certain songs and I’ve even heard her say rise up rise up around the house. There are also some disney movies that are read on spotify it’s called Disney Stories.
AnotherAnon says
My son’s commute home from day care recently went from 5 minutes to 15 and my 2.5 y/o has a really hard time with it. A snack and book help. I don’t think it’s really fair for everyone to pile on you. A 30 minute commute is no fun for an adult, much less a little person. Good luck.
Anonymous says
No one piled on!!! Omg. We all said, yup, we do this, no worries, it’s fine, radio and a toy.
Stacey says
I live in the exurbs and regularly do 30 minute drives with my kids. They are now slightly older than yours. I’ve had great luck with podcasts, and more recently audiobooks. For that age, I would try But Why and Circle Round. Podcasts hold my kids interest enough to keep them from squabbling with each other. I also second the rec for kids music.
avocado says
We have been on the dog rescue crazy train for nearly six months now, with several failed bids for dogs that seemed like perfect matches. After I swore I was done with the whole business, we have just requested a meeting with yet another dog. My 12-year-old is having near-daily crying spells about how much she NEEEEEDS a dog, and I can’t take this much longer. All good vibes/wishes/prayers appreciated.
Anonymous says
Can’t you just go get a dog at the pound? Or a breeder? Love adopt don’t shop but this is silliness.
avocado says
Not at the pound, because we tried that once and ended up with a dog that literally wanted to eat me and my daughter. Not a breeder because we don’t have someone to stay home all day with a puppy. So it’s breed rescue or nothing.
Anonymous says
You had one bad dog from
The pound. Try again. You don’t need a specific breed to get a good dog
avocado says
And yes, the breed rescue’s procedures are ridiculous. They can get away with it because demand for adult dogs of this breed is very high, so people are willing to put up with all sorts of nonsense.
Anonymous says
I hope it works out with this dog. But it does sound like a crazy train and really your daughter could be volunteering at a local shelter if she wants to be with dogs so much, crying over a dog every day at that age Is a little much.
AnonMomToBe says
Okay, this may sound like a silly question from a first-time-mom-to-be, but I am seriously confused and could use some guidance from ladies who have been through it before!
Long story short, I am trying to be very safety-conscious with what we buy/register for so that I don’t inadvertently put my baby in a dangerous situation. I have read that babies are never supposed to sleep in car seats outside of the car. However, I see seemingly-smart people doing this all the time. For example, moms with babies will routinely plop down a covered car seat on the floor of a restaurants or at my pre/postnatal fitness class. Doesn’t this violate the rule of not sleeping in a car seat outside of a car? And, if so, what is the point of “baby travel systems,” i.e., infant car seats that click into strollers? Shouldn’t I just be using the stroller components (which lie flat) instead? And what is the point of a light-weight infant car seat (instead of convertible) if it’s not really supposed to be used outside of the car anyway? Should I just register for a convertible car seat and skip the whole “travel system” and infant car seat thing? What am I missing?
Thanks in advance for any advice from the hive!
Anonymous says
That warning just means don’t use your car seat instead of a basinette or crib for extended unsupervised sleep. It’s fine if your kid falls asleep in the car while using it.
Jocelyn says
In a perfect world, absolutely, the baby should not sleep in their car seat outside of the car. However, I broke that “rule” so long as the baby was next to me, the danger of baby sleeping in the car seat outside of the car is that they can suffer from positional asphixiation because the same angle is not maintained like it is in the car. A stroller that is made for your car seat will maintain the same angle and should be fine. The best part of an infant car seat is the fact that you can take the baby out of the car without having to take them out of the seat when they fall asleep, something most small babies do regularly. My two almost always fell asleep in any car ride that was longer than 10 minutes in the early months and it’s not fun having to wake them up if you don’t have to. Ideally you don’t want your baby in the car seat 24/7 because they do need to have some freedom of motion/avoiding flat head. Hope this helps!
anon says
The warning is because the things you latch it into ( base, travel system) keep it at the correct angle and from tipping over, which is where the danger lies. There was a thread last week about infants who hated the bassinet strollers, they really like to be snuggled, like in the infant seat. Infants are also really floppy and its easier to put them in the car seat and tighten the straps in your house, than it is to carry the floppy baby outside and fasten them into a seat in the car, especially in cold/hot weather. Also the baby will fall asleep in the car and it’s so much easier to just bring the car seat inside, than unbuckle them and risk waking them up.
AnonMomToBe says
Thank you all! This is very helpful and answers many of my questions.
SC says
Many, many parents end up not following the “rules” on sleep 100% of the time. If your baby is sleeping in the car seat, it’s so much easier to leave them in the car seat. Similarly, many people (including me) used the Rock n Play for sleep before it was recalled, even though it never claimed to be safe for sleep (but of course was marketed as a sleep device). Lots of parents co-sleep–I fell back to sleep with Baby on my chest between 5 and 7 a.m. probably 95% of mornings for a few months, and it was lovely (I was dozing, not sleeping deeply, but maybe that’s me justifying it). Lots of parents move their babies to another room before 1 year and even before 6 months–I did it around 4 months, but those guidelines weren’t even out yet. Basically, the sleep guidelines boil down to “lay Baby flat on the back on a hard surface or hold Baby all the time,” and most babies don’t like laying flat on their back, and most parents can’t hold the baby 24/7. It’s grueling to either listen to your baby cry or have to hold them for 4 months straight, and most people end up compromising somewhere.
Anon says
I took that to mean that you should not deliberately place a child in a car seat for naps or (worse) night. Nobody wakes a sleeping baby who happens to fall asleep in a car seat. Usually when my baby fell asleep in the car seat outside of the car we were either on a stroller walk or at a restaurant and I could see her breathing (even if it involved periodically lifting a blanket to check on her). You don’t normally watch a baby sleep and I wouldn’t have been comfortable with her sleeping in the car seat unattended.
Buddy Holly says
Hi AnonMomToBe! Congratulations!
One word of advice. The baby safe sleep tips are sort of like abstinence-only education. The tips are great and fabulous if you have a baby that sleeps face up in a crib, on a firm surface, in a swaddle, etc. But here is the thing. Not all babies will go along with that. And that is OK! You can’t control it! But sleep is important, so you need some tools to roll with the punches. I wish someone had told me this when I had my baby. Instead, after birth I went nearly 78 hours with about 2 hours of sleep (broken into 20 and 30 minute increments). Every time I set my baby down, she screamed and cried, no matter how fast asleep she had been. I had no choice but to cosleep with her, even though it is not what I had wanted and I had thought it was dangerous.
So what I wish I had done is researched safe co-sleeping practices before birth. Then, I wouldn’t have had to do Googling while hallucinating from having been up 36 hours straight. Safe co-sleeping on a flat surface with baby is so much safer than falling asleep on a couch or glider with your baby. So don’t be afraid to learn about it so that you have that tool if you need it. You just don’t know how your baby will sleep until they arrive.