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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Marshmallow says
Folks who are responsible for daycare drop-off in the mornings, especially with a baby, what does your morning look like? I’ve been back to work for a couple of weeks but my husband has been finishing out his paternity leave. LO starts daycare next week and I’ll be doing drop-off every morning. I’m a little apprehensive about getting both of us ready, her fed (just nursing right now but we’ll be introducing solids soon), and out the door.
Relatedly: any tips for transitioning both into daycare in the first place, and then from one provider to another? My husband’s work offers a subsidized daycare program that is a huge cost savings, but we can only use it for about three months. Then we’ll be putting her into a different daycare for the long term. I always hear “drop her and just leave” but did anyone start with a partial day or two? And does the same philosophy apply when transitioning from one daycare to another?
Many thanks!
Cb says
I try and prep as much as I can the night before. When I was nursing, I had pump and bottles ready to go, clothes picked out for everyone, bag packed etc. I bring everything I need for the week on Mondays which helps. If you’re driving, have back ups of things in the car in case you forget. Have your husband do all the prep.
In terms of transition, drop and go. We had a protracted and painful settling in period last year (weeks!) and there would have been fewer tears if we were able to do that.
Tweeter says
Wake up: 5:30. Walk dog / do hair makeup, everything except clothes. Pack car with my work / pump stuff. 6:15 baby is usually stirring, but if not, enter room, gentle turn on dim light, turn off sound machine. Nurse around 6:20. Dress baby (clothes out night before). Bring baby to my room to play while I throw on clothes / jewelry (laid out night before). Baby in car seat, food in diaper bag (packed in lunch box night before), out the door between 6:45 and 7 (variance is whether or not baby decides to poop and needs another diaper change haha). He eats solid breakfast at daycare with his first bottle at 9:15/9:30 ish. My husband is in the house until about 6:15 am (so I can walk the dog etc) but leaves for an early commute so rest is solo).
Tweeter says
To answer your drop and go question – I did this routine the last 4 days of my maternity leave so I could do things like get some new work clothes / hair appointment etc. and I did pick him up a little early those days. I liked being close to home and very available those first days just in case. I was overwhelmed at the thought of having a first day back at work and his first day of daycare being the same, so I’m glad I split it up. Not applicable in your case though since you are already back. Dropping off was easy when he was a little guy. For the past few weeks, we’ve had some separation anxiety, so I’ve had to just hand over and slip out. He stops crying before I’ve even made it to the end of the hallway. Your ease or difficulty with the transition will probably depend on how old your LO is, but she will adjust!
potato says
When my peanut woke up I would feed her and put her in our bedroom to play while I got ready the rest of the way. Two things helped a lot. First, I showered at night, which meant that I could supervise her for the entire morning. Second, I had a basket of toys in our bedroom for peanut to play with while I got ready. Those toys are cleaned up every morning before we left but the basket is permanently in our bedroom. Good luck! You’ve got this!
CCLA says
I never fed solids in the morning at home when they were still taking a bottle, which helped a lot with timing especially in the early days of spoon feeding taking forever and yielding little. Daycare would feed shortly after we got there, and I was happy to hand off that task to them. You’ve probably heard this a lot already, but do (or have DH own it and do it, if that makes sense for you) as much as possible the night before. Most daycares at least for infants have some sort of orientation period where they want you to stay a couple of partial days to acclimate the baby and get to know and see the routine they have there, and after that I always did the quick goodbye. You’ll get into a rhythm. You got this!
Anonymous says
Are you in the U.S.? Having parents in the day care room seems odd to me. Our day care preferred the drop and dash from Day 1.
Anon says
Not the person you’re responding to, but I’m in the US and my husband did two days of daycare where he and kiddo visited the room together..not for the whole day but for at least an hour or two.
IP Attorney says
I’m also in the US and we had our nanny do three days of daycare where she was there for about an hour while DD played and got used to the environment and teachers. Highly recommend it (and it was recommended by the daycare!).
CCLA says
Yep, I’m in Los Angeles. Because of some moves around town, we’re on our third daycare (large center, then in-home, now back to another large center). The in-home was drop-and-go from the start, though our DD was almost 2 when she started there so idk if they do it differently for infants at that one. First large center was a whole week (too much IMO, I got them to agree to just three days) of gradually shorter periods, starting with a full day of parent being present the first day. This new center has the same requirement for both infants and older preschoolers – they have you visit the week before officially starting for three separate periods of about an hour each so you can see how the room does things at morning, lunch, afternoon. Honestly, I felt in the way with older DD, where a half hour on day 1 would have been plenty to make her comfortable, but it probably depends on the kid, too.
Long time lurker says
Our daycare provides food so nothing to pack. I also did not pump or nurse after returning to work (not by choice, it was a massive struggle to bf for me) – so no milk to bring. I would drop off powdered formula and now my toddler drinks milk that daycare provides. Both these things make my life easier. My sister’s daycare does not provide food and I could not deal with all the packing up of snacks and meals. My sister does that at night which makes sense. But if you can find a daycare that provides food I highly recommend.
I shower at night after bedtime and give my daughter fruit and cereal in her high chair while I get dressed, do hair and makeup and if there is time pick up the house a bit (toys etc). We walk to daycare and I take the train (walkable big city) to work.
Anon says
I think it’s an unpopular opinion here, but a gradual transition worked really well for us. We did mornings only for a week, then mornings and lunch for a week, then staying just through nap and afternoon snack for a few weeks and then a full day. She never cried at drop off and the teachers said they thought the gradual transition was really helpful to her settling in and enjoying it so much. That said, my DD was a toddler when we stared and if your baby is <6 month it will probably be easier to transition however you do it.
IP Attorney says
We also did gradual transition with our toddler which was recommended by the teachers and it worked great – we only did mornings for a week and picked up right after lunch but before nap (so she’d nap in her own crib) then transitioned to the full day with the nap and snack after. Definitely recommend a gradual transition, even with an infant.
We prep DD’s bag-o-stuff the night before and I wake up before she does to get ready for the day. Also highly recommend showering at night to have one less thing to do in the morning!
JTM says
In our house, we settled on the system of whoever is NOT doing dropoff is responsible for getting the baby ready, that way you aren’t flustered trying to get yourself and the baby ready. I did drop off, so I’d get up before my husband, shower/get dressed, and he’d take care of getting the baby changed and dressed. We’d prep bottles the night before so all I have to do is grab her bottle bag out the fridge. We kept diapers/wipes/extra clothes at daycare so most days we didn’t have to bring those things in.
SC says
Yes, this is what we did as well. Our daycare pickup time is relatively early (5:30), so we assigned one parent to have the earlier schedule and be in charge of drop-off and pick-up (and work something like 8-5). The parent with the earlier schedule would just get up and get him/herself ready. The parent with the later schedule would get Baby ready for daycare, then get him/herself ready for work after the other two left the house. We’re not morning people, and we never woke up and got out of bed before Baby started crying to be let out of his crib.
We could trade who was the early person and who was the late person on certain days to make it fair, but with our daycare schedule, we found the system above easier.
octagon says
So much of the morning routine will depend on your kid, but the best thing in our house is that I wake up early and get ready, then throw a robe over my work clothes until I walk out the door. Then I wake up kiddo and get him ready, and we eat a quick breakfast before leaving. Total time from kid wakeup to leaving is about 30 minutes. I would love to skip breakfast at home and let kiddo just eat dry cheerios in the car (the eating is the step that is most prone to go off the rails), but the trip to daycare is too short for that.
Marshmallow says
Robe over the work clothes sounds like a fantastic hack!
Pogo says
Yep, I remember learning the robe trick (or “mom smock”) here. It’s so much better now that kiddo is older, but during the baby stage I would either throw a robe over my clothes or just wear a robe over my underwear while getting baby ready, and then get dressed last thing. My kid had terrible spit-up issues so I got barfed on literally every single day.
Marshmallow says
All of this is so useful, thank you! I will be working from home on her first day at daycare so at least I’m close by in case anything goes totally off the rails. I’m mostly just worried she won’t nap– she’s used to a dim room with white noise machine on. But I guess all babies figure out naps at daycare eventually.
ElisaR says
that is my main knock on daycare. I still would chose it over any other option, but neither of my kids every napped well there. They are thriving despite it, but it really made me crazy at the time.
octagon says
Mine never napped in the infant room. He was so overstimulated and it was hard, but the silver lining is that he almost immediately started sleeping through the night afterwards. (Bedtime around 7, then would wake up around 10:30 to eat then sleep through until morning.) It got easier in the toddler room. But daycare has seen it all before and your kid will adjust.
Anon says
My babies did nap at daycare (which they both started at 3 months). Or at least that’s what I was told & they didn’t act in a way that told me otherwise :)
Sasha says
My morning (on a day that goes as-planned and where I have no help from DH)
6:30 – 6:40 I wake up, sip coffee, become alive to the world, browse phone
6:40 – 7:00 I wake up kids, pick out their clothes and bring them downstairs, get them settled at the breakfast table, they watch TV while eating, I pack up their backpacks/school stuff and put by the door
7:00 – 7:15 I shower, dress, dry hair, do makeup if I have time (yes I get ready very fast)
7:15-7:30 I dress the kids, brush their hair, get their shoes on, and get them out the door
7:30 – 7:40 Drive to daycare and drop off (yay for living close by)
7:40 – 8:00 Drive to work and arrive in office
Every minute my 6:30 wakeup slips, so too does my arrival time in the office, since the routine is about as pared-down as it can get already.
Irish Midori says
The Wash. Post article in Friday’s roundup re: paternity leave (https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2019/07/16/theres-new-hierarchy-our-family/?utm_term=.3cfefe369d7c) was really interesting. I think my husband has taken off maybe 1 day (maybe less) for each of our children’s births, which is all that he got (Actually I think he had to take vacation time). At his current company, they get one day paid leave for a birth, and 2 for a death. Does your company (or your spouse’s) give paid paternity leave?
Cb says
That’s horrific, 1 day? I think 2 weeks is statutory in the UK, and you have a right to share parental leave, it’s just only paid at statutory rates so uptake is low. My husband took 3 weeks when my son was born, and then another two before he started childcare at 11 months. He did have to take vacation time as he changed jobs while I was pregnant and wasn’t eligible for the formal leave but his boss pulled some strings to allow him to take it.
Leatty says
My company gives 8 weeks for non-birth parents; my husband’s gives 2 weeks. When our daughter was born two years ago, his company didn’t offer anything, so he only took a week of vacation.
Anonymous says
Why though? He certainly has more than one day vacation a year. Why didn’t he use 2 or go all out and do 3 per birth?
Irish Midori says
I’m pretty sure we were trying to be heroes, and being painfully pragmatic about it. There was, technically little he could do that I couldn’t cover. Sure, I was miserable, but first-timers, yk? I’m expecting again, and this time I want to do it differently, even if that means we lose income (my leave is also mostly unpaid). Heh. When I brought this up, DH was like, it’s not just the income, it’s that… I have things I need to DO at work. Me: Hard stare. Welcome to my world.
In his defense, he knew how dumb it sounded as soon as he said it. So we’ll see. But yeah, the world certainly makes demanding paternity leave feel high-maintenance, because it just doesn’t seem normal.
ElisaR says
yeah my husband technically “got” paternity leave for my 2nd son but didn’t feel he was able to take it. (don’t crucify him)
GCA says
If he is senior enough at work, he should be taking the leave and role-modeling for junior men that this is how you support equality in the workforce – by taking on equality at home. Also pushing for a fairer paternity leave policy, especially if his company claims to support women in the workforce.
Anonymous says
Same, ElisaR and GCA. I’m still mad at him for not using up his paternity leave, and it’s been two years. That said, we are pretty decent at splitting things up appropriately at home despite this (major) blip.
anon says
DH got 1 week which felt like nothing since i had to spend a few days in the hospital before the birth of our twins. when he went back one of our twins was still in the nicu. his office was fairly understanding about him leaving early that day to help me pick up twin A from the nicu and he was “allowed” to go in late two days following to help me take both twins to the pediatrician. i had bad ppd/ppa, it was horrible. i was beyond exhausted bc i was going back and forth between the nicu each day so still hadn’t even attempted to take a nap. it would have made a SIGNIFICANT difference in my emotional health if DH would’ve had more time off. i’m also obviously biased and realize this would never happen in practice, but as a parent of multiples i think you should get more time than just one kid. you are also less likely to have additional kids, though i realize there is no guarantee.
Anonymous says
Is he not eligible for FMLA?
Anon says
My company gives six weeks paid parental leave to all new parents (birth moms can combine that with 6-8 weeks sick leave depending on how you deliver), plus accrued vacation. My husband is a professor and his department gave him a semester without teaching as his leave. He combined that with a summer, and was our daughter’s primary caregiver for ~8 months.
JTM says
My employee now provides 4 weeks of paid parental leave for all new parents, either through birth or adoption of a child. That is separate from the standard 6 or 8wks that a birthing mother would receive in maternity leave. So far the new 4wk policy has been received very well and I’ve seen several men in my department take all 4 weeks of leave.
Pogo says
Same policy at both my company and DH’s, although this was new after our son was born. At that time DH had just 2w paid plus vacation. He took a week off right away while we were in the hospital, then worked from home for another week. He took the rest of the paternity leave sprinkled throughout my leave. Then he did a wfh/flex work period of 4w after I went back to work. I was really happy with how we did it.
At my office some guys have taken 3w at once, but they usually do 2w followed by time sprinkled in a bit later, since you can use it up to 1y following the child’s birth. I don’t think any men in my office have taken all 4w at once. European dads regularly do, though (but they get 2 years or leave or something).
Emily S. says
My husband is self-employed, but he took one week totally off (threw up out of office on his email and didn’t answer the phone) and 2 or 3 weeks of a light paternity leave thereafter for each of children’s births. As of this year, my employer (state government agency) gives all parents who have worked for the agency for at least one year 8 paid weeks, and paid sick leave, annual leave, and FMLA leave are available — for moms and dads, via birth, fostering, or adoption. I’m really proud of this decision! I hope it goes toward normalizing parental leave — and it is not insignificant, I think, that it is called “parental leave,” making no distinction in sex/gender.
Anon. says
My husband gets four weeks of paid leave that he can take any time and in any combination during the first year. When #1 was born, he took a full week immediately after birth, he took another full week to be the full-time caregiver during my first week back at work (highly recommend if you can make this work!) and then he took the remaining two weeks as random days so that he could be at all the pediatrician appointments, long weekends etc.
My employer offers all parents 8 weeks of paid parental leave (+6-8 weeks short term disability for birthing mothers).
We can do better says
The fed govt and many state govts offer no paid parental leave, so neither my husband nor I had any paid leave when my son was born. It’s atrocious.
Anon says
For my first, my husband took a week. For the second and third, a few days? For the third he actually had two weeks paternity and was just busy at work and didn’t take it. That being said, we had a nanny at the time for the older kids so I really didn’t need him as much.
Chiming in just to say even though he stinks at paternity leave clearly, he’s definitely an equal partner in parenting and equally bonded to the kids I think. I think it matters less what happens in the early days and more what happens when you’re really in the day to day grind of toddler bathtimes and potty training and all that fun stuff! But more leave especially with my first would have been nice!
SC says
My husband had no paternity leave and was not eligible for FMLA. He was working for a small business when our son was born, and they had just started operations about 6 weeks before. He took most of his vacation (7 of 10 days?), which covered the 2 days in the hospital and one week afterwards. He got a bunch of work calls and was given a lot of grief about that “vacation”–which he mostly spent driving me and our preemie to the pediatrician to be weighed daily.
Anonymous says
My husband works for the Fed gov’t. He gets no paid paternity leave, BUT he can use accrued sick leave to help care for a birthing parent for up to 8 weeks. Because he had been accruing sick leave for 10 years before I had our first, he was able to take the full 8 weeks paid through his sick leave. I was dealing with ppd, so having him home for 8 weeks was critical. I don’t know what I would have done if he couldn’t have taken at least 4-6 weeks.
Anon says
My husband is also a fed and unfortunately since the leave is to care for the birthing parent it won’t apply for our adoption. He is able to use the sick leave for some adoption related stuff like travel and hearings. If the baby is in the hospital when placed he might be able to use sick leave for some of that time too. However, no “bonding” leave though he can take his vacation or unpaid FMLA.
My office is giving me 8 weeks paid and an additional 4 weeks unpaid if I want it.
Anon says
I thought FMLA covered the placement of a child for adoption or foster care. I get that it is unpaid, and you my be deciding not to take it for that reason, but isn’t a fed entitled to 12 weeks off for the adoption of a child?
Anon says
Yes. I said that he can take unpaid FMLA. Hopefully we will be in a position to do that. It all depends on how much the adoption ends up costing and what we have left in savings. We can’t both be on unpaid leave at the same time financially.
Quail says
My husband works for state government. Both primary and secondary caregivers get 6 weeks paid (recently up from 4, woohoo) but it must be taken immediately after the birth or adoption – it can’t be split up or taken when the other parent returns to work. I think that stacks on top of short term disability for parents who give birth.
I work at a law firm and get four months as primary caregiver; non-primaries get two weeks. The only non-primaries who have taken that leave have been men (and no men have taken primary caregiver leave) and I would say more than half I’ve seen go out do some work during the two-week leave period.
Quail says
Also, when our first was born, husband worked in legal aid. He got no paid leave, but could take accrued vacation/sick time until it ran out and could take unpaid leave for up to six months no questions asked, and up to a year with management approval. He cobbled together about 4 weeks paid and then took six months unpaid. Lean times financially as I was in law school and then studying for the bar, but he was definitely an essential and primary caretaker as I finished up my classes and exams and went into full time bar prep. He went back to work right after I took the bar, and then I was primary caretaker for a month before I started my first job and kiddo went to daycare.
All that to say, after that experience, he is adamant that all men should take an extended leave to do primary caretaking. It made us much more equal parents than we would have otherwise been.
GCA says
Husband had just finished his first year of grad school when kid 1 was born; he took two weeks ‘off’ research (basically worked from home, but no one was exactly telling him where to be at specific times, just that he wasn’t in the lab) and my mom came for two weeks.
When kid 2 was born he was starting his final year of the PhD so had much more location flexibility, AND his university had just given all grad students a month’s fully paid (stipend) parental leave (birth parents got an extra two months). So he took the month and it was amazing. Kid 1 stayed in daycare and kid 2 was a big sleeper, so we managed to go on lunch dates with the baby in tow *and* he managed to get 3-4 hours of research done at home each day. I’m glad we did the baby phase while he was in grad school as the flexibility has been a boon. We’ll be out of the baby phase by the time he starts any postdoc/ industry position.
Marshmallow says
My husband is just finishing up 10 weeks– 6 weeks full pay, 4 weeks half pay (thanks NY state family leave!). It has been AMAZING having him home this much and I wish he got more. He split up his leave into three separate chunks: a few weeks when LO was brand new, a couple weeks for some family travel when she was about 2 months old, then the remainder once I went back to work. He’s had a few moms at his job thank him for taking the full leave and helping normalize that men take leave, too.
Legally Brunette says
At my old firm, all parents got 18 weeks of paid leave. You could also take on as much vacation as you wanted and could take unpaid leave up to 1 year. Several men took the full 18 weeks. It was awesome.
Anonymous says
My husband took 6 weeks full pay with our first but he had to take it concurrently and couldn’t split. He’s at a new company now and we’re expecting our second. He has 6 weeks at full pay that he can split, which is amazing for us so that he can take 2 weeks when the baby’s born and a month after I go back from my leave (which is 6-8 weeks full pay for short term disability + 14 weeks full pay + PTO).
My company recently implemented a gender neutral parental leave policy that gives any parent 14 weeks paid leave – too bad my husband doesn’t work for my company!
Anonymous says
I hate how men spread it out and use some of it as essentially extra vacation time and not always to be primary care taker when the woman goes back or in the early few weeks. It devalues the leave and is bad for women in the workforce
Anonymous says
Totally agree. In academia, men use paternity leave to write articles, which further widens the gender gap.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I posted on Friday, but to answer your question on leave offered – my company pays for 8 weeks for all parents, and then birthing moms get the extra STD (6 or 8 weeks) paid as well. I’ve seen a lot of dads take the full 8 weeks, although I wish a few of the more senior dads would take their full leaves as well. They say they’re needed at work during the busy seasons, but I think it would send a much better message to take the full leave and trust their teams to handle it. That’s what moms end up doing.
My husband’s company offers 8 weeks for non-birthing parents (was less when DS1 came) and 16 weeks for moms. My husband took a few weeks after the birth of each of our kids, and then took 6-8 weeks of leave after I went back to work. It was great and really set us up for an equal parenting dynamic.
CCLA says
DH scraped together about 1 week of leave for first kid – he was in medical fellowship so we were frankly lucky relatively speaking within that system. Women giving birth in that program get about 4 weeks and then get put on an easier rotation typically. Yes, they could claim federal leave I think, but then they wouldn’t finish their residency/fellowship on time because of training hours requirements, so no one does that in practice. For second kid, he was self employed and just took off a couple of months without pay, and it was great. I’m in small law with mat leave that rivals biglaw (4 months) but pat leave is still only 4 weeks.
Irish Midori says
https://abovethelaw.com/2019/07/american-lawyer-wonders-why-more-men-dont-take-paternity-leave-days-after-advising-lawyers-not-to-take-parental-leave/?rf=1 ATL weighs in on why men don’t take paternity leave. Ouch!
Anonymous says
My husband works for Wells Fargo. As the non-primary caregiver, he got 4 weeks paid (and can fill out an additional 8 unpaid with FMLA). If we had designated him as the primary caregiver, he would have gotten 16 paid(which is what birth mothers at Wells get). I know from friends of mine that Bank of America gives 16 weeks paid to either parent.
ElisaR says
as a former employee of Wells Fargo I can confirm that not everybody gets maternity leave. I did not. With both of my children’s birth. And finding an actual human to ask “DO I GET MATERNITY LEAVE” was impossible. I got transferred to all different people and NEVER got a straight answer. My manager was equally useless. Phew glad I got out of there.
Anonymous says
My husband is active duty military, so he’ll get 3 paid weeks of paternity leave. Due to the timing of the birth being close to the time he’s leaving the military, he will also have about a month of regular vacation time to burn that will take him to the end of his service. So we’re anticipating ~7 paid weeks, after which he’ll be starting a new job. We feel lucky that he’ll be able to do this. If he were in a situation with only unpaid FMLA and limited vacation time, I think he’d probably take a week or two at the most initially, and then stack the rest of his unpaid time after I return to work.
Anonymous says
All leave is unpaid at my current workplace but both parents get significant time off by statute. Mothers tend to take all 18 weeks, non birth parents (who get only 12 weeks) tend to take 1-3 months. Former workplace — a tiny law firm, had 7 weeks paid for all and up to 5 mo total. Everyone took st least 7 weeks.
I dunno, my spouse took more than one day when I had a major surgery and I’d be pretty pissed off if he took one day for birth, which was equally disabling and took more than one day just for labor.
EB0220 says
This week is my youngest daughter’s last week at my company’s onsite daycare. She’s been there since 8 weeks, and has been in the same room for the last two years. I’m trying to think of a goodbye gift that is properly meaningful but anything I think of seems inadequate. So far we’re planning to buy a few favorite books for the classroom, my kid will make cards for the teachers and my husband and I will write a thank you note. Is that good? Maybe add in an Amazon gift card as well?
I have pictures of her with all of the teachers and was trying to think of a creative way to use those but …I’m not creative. :) What do you all think? I don’t usually overthink teacher gifts but this one is bigger than most.
AIMS says
I think gift card and a sincere note about how much you appreciate them is always appreciated.
Anonymous says
It’s not that big it happens all the time. Just give a nice note and a gift card.
Emily S. says
Gently, I think it feels monumental to you (and justifiably so) but probably less so to the teachers. I say this only so you don’t feel like you have to give the biggest, most sentimental gift. I am already teary-eyed at the thought of my kid leaving daycare next year, so I feel you. But, as the daughter of a teacher, I know teachers form an attachment to their kids but also excited to see the next class coming up. Here, I think a sincere note and a monetary gift are appropriate. Books for the next class is also very thoughtful!
EB0220 says
Absolutely, I think they would be a mess all summer if it felt as big to them as it does to me. :) Thanks for the confirmation that I don’t need to overthink!
FVNC says
When we recently left our much loved center, we did cards and gift cards for kid’s teachers, plus I included a snapshot of him in the cards.
Clementine says
Preschooler is going through a phase where any attempt to leave him with a grandparent/aunt or uncle/sitter is met with many tears and comments like, ‘but Grandma makes me sad!!’
I need breaks to be a good mom, but right now I feel like I can’t take those breaks because my kid is having such a hard time with me leaving him with other people. It’s especially challenging because he will say things like, ‘But I don’t love Grandma’ which is damaging to that relationship.
Husband is in the middle of work travel so not an option to leave kiddos with daddy. Any suggestions as to how to help work through this phase???
Clementine says
Important detail: it’s specifially when they have to enforce any type of rules or discipline.
That’s what he is upset about.
Anonymous says
Yah he’s a toddler. You can’t be held hostage to normal child development
Clementine says
Oh thank God. I was really having some HEAVY guilt about this one.
avocado says
I actually think the fact that he’s complaining shows that Grandma is enforcing the rules, which is a good thing! If there’s an issue here, it about managing Grandma’s expectations, not about changing kiddo’s age-appropriate language.
CPA Lady says
^ completely agree. It’s hard when kiddo is sad, but you gotta live your life. I find that kind but firm boundaries and consistency help a lot. If I gave in every time my kid cried about something she didn’t want to do, she would never go to bed, I would never have any time away from her, we would spend our day in front of the tv, and she would live on a diet of 100% candy. You can be compassionate and empathetic towards your child, but that doesn’t mean he always gets what he wants. My kid cries if I’m too far across the room from her. Her nickname in my head is “barnacle”. She gets upset if I do anything for myself that involves being away from her, but I would be a horrible screaming harpy if I didn’t get any time to myself. Besides, I think it’s important for kids to understand that moms are their own person too. They may not appreciate it now, but they certainly will later.
And I second the person who suggested that you hire babysitters if your mom/MIL can’t handle your kid being age appropriate with his language.
Anonymous says
Leave him. Grandma is a big girl who has heard it before. It’s just a phase, probably because dad is away.
Clementine says
Grandma understands it’s a phase, but I do worry that hearing your grandchild scream ‘NO I DONT LOVE YOUUUUUU’ is not great for their relationship.
Anonymous says
I mean. You did it I’m sure. And she’s fine.
Anon says
does preschooler go to preschool during the day? are you trying to leave preschooler with these people during the week or on the weekend? is kiddo ok once you leave or does kiddo continue to say these things to the caregivers? i doubt grandma actually makes him sad, but he is saying that bc he does not want you to leave. hopefully grandma understands this? have you asked kiddo why grandma makes him sad? can there be a special activity to do with caregiver that kiddo cannot do with mom? going out for ice cream? watching a special show, etc.? as a kid i apparently hated when my parents went out and left me with babysitters (i’m not sure why because i had no issues going to school), but was generally allowed to watch much more tv than usual
anon says
This is really hard, and I sympathize. Hopefully these other caregivers understand that they can’t take these proclamations seriously. (My in-laws are not the type to let these comments roll off their backs, and we have had this issue in the past. They have to deal. Sorry she’s acting like a 4-year-old?)
I like the previous poster’s suggestion of identifying a few special activities that they can do together. Baking? Coloring? A particular game? Even better, having Grandma take him/her somewhere fun might do the trick. Or maybe there is a special stuffed animal that can be Preschooler’s “going to Grandma’s” comfort object.
If the fear is damaging the relationships with the caregivers who happen to be related to you — maybe that’s a good reason to use a paid sitter for a while.
Clementine says
There are special toys and grandmas and fun things to do.
I’ve tried bribing with extra TV.
I can do a paid sitter, but I’m literally just trying to drop a kid off for an hour or two so I can go get a hair cut or go shopping alone. Because it’s also in the middle of the day, I feel like I need to pay a sitter at least for 2 hours just to make it worth their while.
I’m feeling better about just sucking it up.
Anonymous says
I think sucking it up is fine, as long as it doesn’t seem painful for your mom. As someone said above, you most likely did this when you were a toddler. (Currently facing the opposite — whenever I do something that makes my kid upset, he turns on the waterworks and screams, “I want Grandmaaaaa!”)
rosie says
Yup…the pecking order for us is grandma above everyone, then grandpa (my dad) & I are roughly tied, then dad (my husband) is last. We’re all on a trip now, and I know it gets to my husband.
Anonymous says
In our house, Grandma is above even Santa Claus in the pecking order.
mascot says
I recently purchased this as part of my renewed commitment to a skincare routine. Interested to see how well it works. Previous Vitamin C products have been so fickle in their formulation and seem to oxidize quickly.
Anon says
Hell to all!
My 3 YO is attending a day camp run at his preschool (half-days 5 days a week for three weeks). I assume I should be giving some kind of gift to his camp teachers at the end of the session – cash? how much?
Anonymous says
I don’t think a gift is necessary. Isn’t that what camp tuition is for? FWIW, I’ve got a school aged child and have only seen teacher gifts for the school year. Sometimes there are coaches gifts for programs that run the whole year as well. None for summer camps/programs.
ElisaR says
agree
Anonymous says
Yup, no. Stop the insanity here. You pay tuition, you get service. Full stop.
Anon says
Yeah I can’t imagine giving a gift after a one week summer camp. That would be a ton of money spent on gifts! A gift for a teacher you had for the entire academic year is very different.
So Anon says
Agreed. I have two kids who are each attending summer camps all summer. My kids are staying at camps anywhere from one to four weeks. I can’t imagine buying a gift each time we transitioned camps.
RR says
Definitely no. Please no. The mom pressure is killing us all! :)
Anon says
Yeah, I find myself usually on the side of over gifting, but when I read your question even I thought “really? That’s also a thing we have to do?”. Glad to see the other responses that it’s hopefully not. (I say this as a mom who will have to have her kids in camps continuously over the Summers for the next decade + of life & planning that already sounds exhausting & expensive & to add worrying about counselor gifts on top of that? I think that would literally push me over the edge).
Anonymous says
Why? I wouldn’t. You’re paying for this.
Irish Midori says
Oh lord no!
Anon says
Hi everyone – My 3 year old still has what I assume is “cradle cap” on her scalp. Her hair generally hides it, and it doesn’t seem to bother her, but I’d like to see it gone…. Anyone else go through this with toddler & if so, advise for getting rid of it?
Anon says
Solidarity. My 17 month old still has cradle cap (she had it from birth and it’s never gone away). Her hair hides it very well now, and it doesn’t seem to bother her so the ped said to just ignore it.
anon in brooklyn says
I rubbed the scalp down with olive oil, then combed out the flakes with a cradle cap comb from Amazon. I thought I might have to repeat occasionally, but it never came back.
Sasha says
Have you tried dandruff shampoo? That helped my babies with the flakiness.
Cb says
Argh, my two year old has the same. My mom saved my goody baby brush and for some reason, that brush is super effective at loosening it. Maybe our brushes were rougher In the 1980s? I’ve been doing 10 seconds of brushing every night, it doesn’t hurt but he finds it annoying so I limit it.
Canadian says
Dandruff shampoo. My baby had it terribly (like absolutely terrible, including on his eyebrows) and this is what my dermatologist friend recommended. It worked incredibly well, just don’t get it in their eyes.
Anonymous says
Our Ped said dandruff shampoo which didn’t work great. We switched to an actual baby/toddler shampoo plus adult conditioner (on the ends – devacurl) because she has curls and started washing her hair every other day vs every 3 days. I’m not sure if that’s what helped or she just grew out of it (2.5yr old).
Tryingnottobefrumpyintheburbs says
I had this exact same situation. Despite using the Mustela cradle cap shampoo multiple times a week for years on my three year old, it did not get rid of it. Then I bought some baby brand cradle cap oil at CVS that had a scrubber applicator and I started rubbing that into his scalp about 20 minutes before I would wash his hair. Within a month of doing that and combing his hair to get some of it out, it was basically gone. He had it SO badly that I thought he would still have it as a teenager! I will check the brand tonight and try to remember to come back to post it. It may have been Babyganics.
Anonymous says
I myself had it till puberty. My son has it at 4.5. The best is to brush the scalp really well before or after washing (after it will come off better, but won’t work well if kid has curly hair like mine). Really the best is to coat with olive oil, then let it sit, then brush, but that’s hard once they have a lot of hair.
KW says
Will this cream help even out my uneven skin tone? Or what product am I looking for? I’m not sure what “brightening” means for skin. My cheeks tend to be more red than the rest of my face and I have started noticing that my makeup is settling into some lines and wrinkles in my face. What skincare product can I use to help those issues? I was checking out the Ordinary’s website over the weekend but got a little overwhelmed with the different options.
Quail says
Any suggestions for resources on countering perfectionism in a preschooler? As someone with perfectionism that was probably inadvertently reinforced by my parents, I’d like to find some positive ways to approach my child’s self-criticism while not just praising everything. (Like he’ll be drawing and get upset that it doesn’t look right. I want to acknowledge that he’s unhappy with the result while encouraging him to try again. Repeat for sock donning, lego building, etc.) Maybe this is a situation for a resilience/grit/growth mindset type approach?
Anonymous says
Praise the process, not the results. Also narrate your own little trials and tribulations to model resilience. “Oops, that didn’t come out the way I wanted it to. I will try again! Oh, that one is more like it.”
Redux says
We do praise the process, not the results. My little perfectionist will show me something she’s created and I usually comment on what I see rather than to congratulate her on the overall piece. E.g., “ooh, I see you chose orange and green markers for your creation and drew teeny tiny loops– how creative!” Admittedly, this rarely worked when she was in the middle of being upset about something not working, but I do think that over the last year or so she’s come to expect that kind of descriptive feedback and her perfectionism has lessened. It’s harder for things that are objectively successful or not– like putting on socks, or writing letters. In those cases I just acknowledge that she is upset, praise her for trying her best, and encourage her to try again. I also like to remind her about things that she used to not know how to do (ride her bike, write her name, sleep in a big bed) and how she practiced and practiced and now she knows how to do those things.
SC says
My 4-year-old has some rigidity and perfectionism issues. His therapist suggested creating games to encourage imperfection and flexibility–things like, “Let’s color for 2 minutes, and when the timer stops, we’ll trade and work on the other person’s paper,” or “Let’s build a Lego tower for 2 minutes, and when the timer goes off, we’ll knock it down and start over.” To be honest, we haven’t tried it yet–I want to say because we’ve been busy, but also because I see this not going well the first few times and I need the emotional energy to deal with the fall-out before attempting this.
Anonymous says
We have the same advice for our 4 year old and … mostly he just resists doing that. Says “I don’t want to take turns making the rules! I don’t want a tuner!” Etc. We are more successful if we do it a little less formally .
shortperson says
narrating my own mistakes or telling stories about my mistakes as a kid helps a lot. also the daniel tiger song “it’s ok to make a mistake”
Quail says
Thanks all! Great tips and food for thought.
Anoner says
Thinking of getting Baby Brezza formula maker for number 2 due in a few weeks (can’t breastfreed). Any feedback? Worth the price? Should I look for used? Thanks!
Anonymous says
I realize this is just an internet stranger being opinionated, but do you have to start the habit of warm bottles, especially if your child doesn’t have any pre-existing association that milk=warm like they would with nursing?
The Dr. Brown’s formula pitcher is good for easily mixing up a batch of formula if you’ve not tried it before.
Anonymous says
Yeah, I would do room-temperature if baby lets you get away with it. Powdered formula + bottle of room-temperature water, shake to mix. Super easy, super portable, nothing extra to clean.
Anon says
Yep. My combo fed kid didn’t like cold (refrigerator temp) formula but was fine with room temp. I wouldn’t invest in a fancy gadget until you know your kid needs it really warm.
AnotherAnon says
My EFF foster baby was the same. Didn’t mind room temp; didn’t like refrigerated formula. It was hard for us to get it warmed to the right temp anyway, esp if you’re using glass (no judgment if you’re not – just anecdata).
Anoner says
This is a great point actually. I forgot the nightmare of getting the bottle to the right temp w number 1. I’ll try to formula pitcher.
anon says
+1 to all this. My son was combo-fed until six months and then exclusively FF after that. I never warmed a room temperature bottle, ever, so I just made them from scratch as needed. He will not drink cold milk (screams bloody murder) but accepts room temp bottles.
Anonymous says
My first baby is due in January and will be formula fed from day 1. The temperature thing is pretty much the only reason I won’t be getting one of these, otherwise I’d be all about it. I don’t want to inadvertently make my life harder!
ElisaR says
my friend SWORE by it. I didn’t use it but she said it was her number one recommendation for my registry.
Canadian says
Agree with all the comments re room temp. I never EFF, but my first was supplemented from the start and someone had given us the room temperature tip. It was so handy (she was solely on formula by about 7 months). With kiddo number 2, he has a dairy intolerance and his specialty formula needs warm water to dissolve, which made traveling less convenient.
Pogo says
Yes if at all possible try to get kiddo to be cool with room temp (if it all possible, not that you can control what your baby will or will not do). Signed, mother of a two year old who still has to warm milk in sippy cups sometimes….
Anonymous says
A lot of responses are focusing on the warming aspect. I think the additional features of the brezza make it worthwhile. They are pretty popular with twin moms (hard to make enough/pump enough milk for both). If your area has a multiple birth families sale (they are often open to the public) you might find one there easily. My twins were combo-fed and I think it would have been worthwhile to not have to make up jugs of formula.
Anonymous says
The reviews say you have to clean the Baby Brezza all the time, and it doesn’t always mix the formula fully so you have to shake the bottles anyway. I just don’t see how it saves any time or effort.
Anonymous says
IDK – at 3am if I could just press a button and have formula appear, I wouldn’t care if I had to shake the bottle a bit extra. It seems to work better with some formulas than others so if OP is planning to use a specific formula, might be worthwhile to read the reviews on that type.
anonanony says
Best money I spent post-partum — we had twins and I ended up having to combo feed. I think it was $130 with coupons. The thing I liked about it was how easy it was for anyone to get a bottle ready. The other thing I like about it is that if you aren’t sure how much peanut1 or peanut2 is going to eat, you can “try out” 2oz without regretting it when they chug it down and you have to go get more — you just press the button again.
Anon says
I’m having such a hard time making a decision about a family vacation. I have a 2 yo and a 8 week old and would love to take advantage of the little ones portability and go on a fancy vacation this summer before returning to work. The problem is that due to the different sleep schedules, we’d really need a place to ourselves so we could be close by swimming, relaxing, etc. While one or both sleep. We found an amazing villa but it’s $$$$. We’d have to use a lot of our emergency fund. I know it’s irresponsible, but I also know this is kind of a once in a lifetime chance to take this kind of trip. Ughhh!
Anonymous says
Idk what you’re talking about with this once in a life stuff. You can vacation with kids of all ages. Rent a vacation property you can afford without using a lot of your emergency fund.
Anon says
You are about to enter a season of life that is very expensive, with having two in daycare, so it doesn’t seem like a good time to use your emergency fund for any non-emergency. How long would it take to build back up?
And, I saw this gently, but I know the early years seem like they will last forever. But I’m confused about why you think this is a once in a lifetime chance. Nothing you have written indicates that this is some special family trip that won’t happen again or that it would be an unusually long vacation beyond the normal amount of vacation days. Could you take this trip in 3 years? 4 years?
Callie says
I wouldn’t steer you away from a trip with a 2 yo and 8 week old but I would try to not think of it as a once in a lifetime opportunity. We rented a small two bedroom condo on the gulfcoast of florida when my kids were 4/5 weeks old and 18 months old. It wasn’t fancy but it was clean and so great to be on the beach and have access to a pool and we enjoyed sitting out on the porch once we put the toddler to bed and had good seafood. I have very good memories of that week. We didn’t spend a fortune however. We flew in/out of Tampa (which was b/c we’d found reasonable plane tickets there) and then found a reasonable condo somewhat last minute to rent.
Anonymous says
I’m also having a hard time understanding why this is your best opportunity for a vacation. Are you in biglaw or a similar job where a vacation is not really a vacation, so maternity leave seems like the only time when you can take a vacation without anyone from work bugging you?
To me this sounds like the absolute worst time to take a fancy vacation. You won’t actually be able to leave the kids sleeping in the villa while you and your husband relax on the beach. Instead, you’ll be monitoring the 2-year-old every moment to make sure he doesn’t stick his finger in an outlet, fall down the stairs, jump into a body of water, or pull an unanchored piece of furniture down on top of himself.
Anon says
Exactly. This is the worst time to take a vacation, not the best! My kid is 5 now and 2 was absolutely peak difficulty.
SC says
+1 to 2 being absolutely peak difficulty on a family trip–I can’t even call it vacation. We have a family member with a lovely 3-bedroom beach condo within driving distance, and we’ve stayed for about a week every year since Kiddo was born (including when he was about 8 weeks old). Total cost of the trip each year is about $700. The summer Kiddo was 2, I returned from that trip yelling, “Never again!” People here assured me that 2 is peak difficulty. We did return, and last year was better, and this year was much better. If I ever have a second child, I’ll skip vacation the year s/he turns 2.
Redux says
Total cost of your trip is so low because it is so highly subsidized by your family member. This is an unfair comparison– not everyone has a family member with a lovely 3-bedroom beach condo within driving distance who is so gracious as to let their family stay for a week. Some of us have to pay for our vacations ourselves.
Anon says
I think the point was not that $700 should be everyone’s max vacation budget, but that even while going on a cheap vacation, it wasn’t worth it for her with a 2 year old. At least that’s how I read it. I don’t understand you it was in any way an offensive comment
Anon says
Calm down Redux. SC was just agreeing that 2 is a super challenging age to travel with and isn’t worth it even if you have a highly subsidized vacation. She was in no way implying that people shouldn’t spend more than $700 on vacation.
Redux says
Oops, you can take your “calm down” to our sister site; that’s not how we play here.
Thanks, Anon@1:35, I think I misread SC’s comment. I see how you’re reading it.
Anon says
Telling you to calm down isn’t rude when you’re the one being snarky to someone else (and your comment was very snarky…“some of us have to pay for our vacations” is super rude even if you misunderstood SC’s comment). You were wrong and hostile, just own it and apologize.
SC says
Wow, didn’t mean to start a firestorm. I included the low cost (to us) of our vacation merely to point out that I would prefer to stay home than go on an almost-free beach trip with my 2-year-old. Hopefully, OP can appreciate that the reality of this “once in a lifetime” trip may not be all the lovely things she’s creating in her head, and may even be more fun in the future.
That particular year, DH and I worked so, so hard to keep up with meals and dishes and laundry and diapers, and to keep Kiddo from destroying things or killing himself. Kiddo was a cranky monster because he refused to nap or go to bed, and trying to get him to sleep pulled one of us away for hours each day.
I didn’t mean to imply that $700 is all anyone should spend on a vacation, or even this type of vacation, or that everyone has this available. We are grateful to our relatives for letting us use their condo, and without their generosity, we’d take fewer beach trips and stay in more modest places.
Anon says
Yes, this sounds so stressful to me all the way around! You won’t be able to leave the 2 year old unsupervised for even a second if you’re anywhere near a pool or the beach. And you can’t exactly leave a newborn in the villa alone either.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t take a trip of some sort, but the logistics of this don’t make sense to me – and definitely don’t add up to the kind of thing that would be so amazing you should make risky financial decisions for it.
Anonymous says
Gently, if this is how you have to pay for it, you can’t afford this trip. There will be other opportunities. Try to find another venue?
Anon says
I don’t understand the kind of comment that this is a once in a lifetime chance to do this. In just 3 or 4 years, your kids will be WAY more independent and way easier to travel with. Two year olds are hard and traveling with them, while rewarding, is a ton of work. You’ll get so much more enjoyment out of the trip if you wait just a couple years. I would not do this now, especially if it is a big financial sacrifice.
avocado says
+1. Traveling with a child older than about 3.5 years is a million times easier and more fun than traveling with an infant or a toddler.
Anon says
Lol what!?! There are tons of hotels on the beach that are not $$$$ private villas. Plenty of people travel with toddlers and don’t spend thousands to do it. Take a trip you can afford.
Anon says
Definitely don’t use an emergency fund for this! Gently, it sounds like you’re dealing with a lot of emotions that might be clouding your judgment on this decision. This is not a once in a lifetime chance.
Anon says
I’m confused about how this will work – you’re planning to swim while the kids sleep? Does it have a private pool or something that’s within baby monitor range?
Anon says
Even if it’s within baby monitor range, I think it’s absolutely insane. Kids have been snatched from empty hotel rooms in relatively safe places before, and a baby monitor wouldn’t do any good in that situation.
Anon says
I was thinking about the type of villa that has a pool literally right outside the door. That would give me anxiety for other reasons (drowning mostly) but I try not worry much about my kids being “snatched”, personally – it’s just so unlikely to happen and I don’t want to live my life in fear (after all, I put them in a car which is far more dangerous). I wouldn’t leave them alone in a hotel for other reasons thou – way too many actual hazards in a hotel room.
shortperson says
if that’s what you want, consider airbnbing a house with a pool. that will be way cheaper than a hotel room with private pool. we live in socal and did this in palm springs and it was very reasonable.
Anon says
Oh, I should have clarified that I’m not then OP! I was the Anon at 12:30 who asked the question.
Anon never again says
Oh geez, I meant I’m the Anon at 12:27 (and 1:13), not 12:30. I really need to get a name and stop posting as Anon, haha.
Anonymous says
I echo everyone else saying that you shouldn’t use your emergency fund to fund a vacation. This is not an emergency. And I say this gently….but I was a tiny bit crazy and not making rational decisions at 8 weeks postpartum.
Nan says
+1 to the 8 weeks postpartum comment. I’m not saying that’s what’s going on here as I don’t know you personally, but it’s something to consider.
Anon says
OP here- i think the 8 weeks pp comment hit the nail on the head. Thank you.
Anon says
OP here – thank you everybody. You’re all correct and I think I knew that deep down but needed to hear it again? And I def think I’m not quite thinking clearly at this juncture. Thank you so much for the reality check!!
Anonymous says
I think you can have a vacation without the $$$. Anna Maria Island/Longboat Key area in Florida is nice. If you get a rental house with a pool then one parent can take older kid to the beach so other parent can nap while baby naps or laze in the pool.
LadyNFS says
I’ll be dissent. Totally agree with the other posters about NOT tapping into your emergency fund. BUT we travel with our DD all time, both as an infant and now as a toddler (admittedly it’s much harder now, for all of the other reasons these wise posters cited). BUT when DD was ~10 weeks old, we went away for 10 days and rented a large suite in a hotel ( think of a hotel with a kitchen, washer / drier, etc). Admittedly, we did not have a toddler to chase around, but those 10 days were bliss for the following reasons: (a) daily housekeeping. I did not realize how much picking up/ trash taking out I was doing constantly until I just did not have to do it. Yes – daily housekeeping made a difference for me; (b) room service / ease of getting food. Obviously you can order take out or whatnot at home too, but there was something about pushing a button and getting whatever I wanted that made it feel “easier” to care for my infant; (c) uninterrupted family time. We were in a bit of a “bubble” and didn’t worry / think about the stresses from home if that makes sense? We are the type when we are at home, even on leave with an infant, wanted to address “home projects” and the like that we had been putting off, and the attendant (internal) pressure that comes with that. Literally all we had to do was eat, make it to the pool (or not), go on walks, watch baseball on TV, etc. We frequently look back on that trip and cherish how we had no agenda, nowhere to be, no responsibility (other than keeping kiddo alive!). I wouldn’t classify it as “once in a lifetime,” but I would put it in the “amazing family time and incredibly memorable and special” box. If you can find something like other posters have suggested in your budget, do it.
Anon says
The not having a toddler to chase after is really key, though. I agree that traveling with a newborn is easier than traveling with an older infant or toddler and after about 6 months it doesn’t start getting easier again until at least 3 or maybe 4. But OP has a 2 year old too! We traveled a lot when our DD was 1-2 and mostly enjoyed it, so I know it is possible to enjoy travel at that age. But I don’t get the logic that this is a “once in a lifetime” window – in just a few short years travel will be so much easier! If anything this is probably the toughest time for family travel, not the easiest.
Health Ins Question says
Fertility treatments will be required for future child #2. With current child/DD, we had different health insurance. The first time around we unexpectedly (because who expects it?) ended up in fertility treatments but because of the sequence of events we didn’t investigate coverage, we were just told my RE’s office what was required in order to get coverage.
We’ve had a change in insurance since the first go-round and are now starting to think about #2. Do I start with the RE office or with my health insurance to get into the nitty gritty details I’m looking for? Current documents in hand from health insurance don’t go into the level of detail I’m looking for. Specifically I want to know things like, how long do I technically need to be “trying” before I can be covered with an RE? How many IUIs are required before IVF can be attempted? Is IVF even covered? Things like that… I think the RE’s office would be the path of least resistance but as I haven’t been an active patient there for just about two years I’m unclear if they can help (I have an un-returned call in to them ask). TIA.
Anon says
I’d start with your health insurance company. Realistically, if you are in the states, IVF is almost never covered unless your company specifically provides coverage which is rare. IUI is more likely to be covered but still often is not. It’s horribly frustrating.
Anon says
I should have clarified that some states do mandate coverage. So if you’re in Mass. or somewhere you might be in better shape!
OP says
Ugh, I know. We had this unicorn insurance with DH’s old job. We were successful on IUI #3 but were otherwise focused on and mentally preparing for IVF and we would have been fully covered. I think I spent all of $150 out of pocked in 2 years of fertility treatments. We were so insanely lucky.
Sigh. I wish this on no one.
Anon says
It’s the worst. I’m sorry you’re dealing with it. I hope you get good news from your insurance company!
Pogo says
Hugs, I’m with you. Our insurance was also really great last time, and less so this time. I have mentally prepared for paying our out of pocket max. It is what it is.
anon for this says
Yes it all sucks. Having any kind of coverage at least helps ease the financial strain a bit. Our first round was 6 IUIs before IVF, with IVF covered at 50%, but we met our OOP max for the year with the IUI co-ins, so paid very little for the IVF. Except the plan covered to injectable meds…so that was like $5k. Current plan has better coverage (10% co-ins and better drug coverage) BUT a $10k lifetime max for fertility treatments. This stuff is so so so complicated. Wishing you the best on your journey!
Pogo says
My RE sort of knew what my insurance deal was, but didn’t know 100%. Only your insurance provider can tell you that. They might tell you, “oh you have BCBS PPO? You need to contact Third Party Clearinghouse prior to coming in for your first visit” but they won’t tell you “you need to try IUI x times before IVF”
With my first, I remember DH sent me a pdf of the insurance “details of coverage” (or something) that was like 100 pages long and had all the nitty gritty for his employer’s plan with that company. It was in fact accurate give how they billed. Each employer can negotiate very specific coverage details (unless ACA or state laws say otherwise) so even if the RE is familiar with your plan they really can’t confirm the coverage.
anon for this says
I would talk to your RE office (assuming you like them and want to go forward with them again). I would (1) set up a meeting with your RE to discuss next steps for TTC #2, and (2) talk to the clinic’s billing people about your insurance details. You might talk with the RE first and then have them pass your chart to billing, that is what we did.
I find RE clinics kind of difficult to deal with sometimes, so I don’t think it would hurt to try to gather info yourself through your insurance co. My current insurance (United) has some kind of fertility line you can call to discuss coverage — we never used it, but something like that may be a good place to start if you have it. We proceeded as I described above — 1st sat down with the RE, then the clinic worked to get authorization for us for IVF (I don’t know if my current insurance requires IUIs or not — we ended up doing IVF previously so it’s possible my RE circumvented an IUI requirement on that basis or if this insurance doesn’t have it).
Anon says
Hi ladies, I’m the OP from Friday with a recently early-to-wake 4 yo and doing both pickup and dropoffs while DH works long hours 45 min away. I just want to thank you for the great questions and suggestions. Over the weekend I voiced my concerns to DH (mainly that we NEED my job and I’m underperforming because of this new kid schedule, but also that I’m seriously burnt out from last week’s crazy tempo) and it was a surprisingly mature conversation. Turns out he’s been having issues with our schedule too. The fact that kid is going to bed at 9pm and we really need to be in bed at 10 was stressing him out as he only had an hour to unwind at the end of the day (same for me, but I also have a real lunch and an hour at the gym each day whereas his office has team lunch and he has a commute at each end). Apparently he’d also been thinking about an earlier drop off for kid so he could see her in the morning (and then would feel less bad seeing her less at night if we move to earlier bedtime) but didn’t think it would work with my schedule. So, today he dropped kiddo off! I had my coffee and email in the morning! I did take the dog and still packed breakfast & lunch but this worked much better so far. We’ll see what happens at bedtime. The kid was cooperative at the promise of a stake in dad’s smoothie, and the suggestion to have her sleep in school clothes worked perfectly. I’m not sure how long the cooperation will last but hopefully long enough to establish a new routine. Thanks again!
Anonymous says
That’s great, thanks for the update!
Anonymous says
+1 – love getting updates