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I like this inexpensive top from Romwe, available at Amazon. Everywhere I look lately, brands are showing these types of round statement buttons on tops and dresses. I like how they are added here, in a diagonal on the shoulder and contrasting with the square windowpane pattern. It looks like the plain black version has more buttons in a different style. I am partial to the white with black lines, but I like the elbow-length and slightly puffed sleeves on all. This top is $20.99 and is eligible for Prime and for “free returns on some sizes and colors.” Three-Quarter-Sleeve Check-Print Top This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Spring Mid-Season Sale: Up to 50% off 100s of styles
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
PetiteMom says
Hello ladies,
Happy Thursday! I need a lunch bag/tote that can fit my lunch container, coffee thermos, fruits, and potentially shoes. I was thinking about the Lululemon nylon shopper. Do I get that for free with any purchase? Any other similar ideas? Thanks!
Pogo says
I use the OMG for this, as it also fits my laptop and wallet. Would be tight w/ shoes, as they sit in the bottom compartment and use up a lot of the space that the lunch would take up. I put the lunch + fruit in its own little thin reusable bag (canvas wax) to keep any condensation etc contained. Thermos stands up nicely next to the lunch.
Anonymous says
I use lululemon and athleta bags (the kind they put your purchases in) for months before they wear out. I use them for shoes, lunch boxes, pump parts, really anything.
shortperson says
another budget option is the baggu canvas “duck bag” which will be more convenient with a shoulder strap than a lululemon bag.
AwayEmily says
I have this and love it! I use it for everything — purse on weekends, beach bag, transporting lunch, etc. It can hold a lot and looks cute.
Nanny share advice says
We could use some nanny share tips from those with experience! Our beloved daycare is closed for 3 weeks this summer, so we are looking to band together with 3 other families to do a nanny share for those weeks. We seem to have found 2-3 good options for caregivers, need to sort out some logistics about the space (my family is hosting). The biggest issue, however, is how to split costs, because we all have different coverage needs. Has anyone done a nanny share where most participants are part time, but different hours? Is it just a matter of doing the math to figure out an hourly rate that everyone pays for the hours their kid is there? Also, is it normal for the family that hosts to get a bit of a discount? That seems fair to us, since hosting involves more cleaning, running the A/C more than normal for weekdays, and probably more coordinating logistics with the caregivers (e.g., where things are, providing keys, etc). But if this isn’t standard, it’s not worth messing with for a 3 week arrangement with people we like. Any other advice/thoughts on nanny shares? Thanks!
Anonymous says
Not standard for host to get a discount. It’s also an advantage to host, because you don’t have to do pick-up or drop-off.
anon says
Agree, host doesn’t get discount. If anything, non-hosting families get discount because they have to travel to/from your house.
Callie says
We did a nanny share for a year from when my son was 6 months to 18 months.
We needed coverage 5 days a week and the other family needed coverage generally 3 days a week but sometimes 4, and sometimes 5 days a week. What we did was guarantee $X amount every week assuming that the nanny watched 2 children for 3 days a week and watched only one 2 days a week (or occassionally less). The other mom and I sorted out the costs between us so that basically I paid 5/8 of $X and she paid 3/8 of $X. On a week that our nanny watched 2 kids for 4 days our nanny made $(X+Y) and I paid 5/9 of $X and the other mom paid 4/9 of $X (assuming that it was her child who was only there 4 days). On a week that our nanny watched both kids all 5 days, we paid her $(X+2Y) and the other mom and I split the costs. We made ourselves a little chart so it was easy to figure out our weekly amounts.
We did no discount for hosting–in general while maybe yes technically we ran our AC a bit more, we also had our child’s laundry done and put away (while the other mom had to deal with the hassle of picking up and delivering her child and while she brought her laundry, she still had to take it home and put it away) and there were a myriad of other ways it all sort of balances out. The other mom and I would alternate making sure that there was food for lunches (i.e. kids were fed the same thing to make it easier–only breast milk was kept separate for obvious reasons) (we had a billion texts that year along the lines of “I made a pasta dish I’m going to bring over.” “Just realized we are low on wipes, you have some to send?”) Also, personally, I think hosting is far easier than having to do a drop off. It didn’t involve more cleaning for us–our nanny kept the kids area clean and cleaned up the kitchen after using it. If anything, I think that I maaaaaybe felt a smidge more pressure to make up my own bed every morning (my bedroom is just off the living room and we keep the door open with a baby gate that has a dog door so our older dog has a place to “escape” when needed–which meant my bed was visible to the living room at certain angles. But I think I would have done this anyhow.) Plus–if your situation is only 3 weeks–I’d not nickle and dime down to this degree of trying to negotiate a discount for hosting.
In general, I think that with anything so temporary, it will be fine whatever you do. I looooooved doing a share–it was a great fit for our family, our nanny, and with the other family (we stopped only b/c of change in circumstances when the other mom decided to SAH and I had my daughter) and should anyone want more thoughts on the logistics, I’d be happy to share.
Callie says
That formula I typed up out there should have said: On a week that our nanny watched 2 kids for 4 days our nanny made $(X+Y) and I paid 5/9 of $(X+Y) and the other mom paid 4/9 of $(X+Y) (assuming that it was her child who was only there 4 days).
Also, we had general hours (i.e. our nanny worked 8:15 to 6:15) (although generally one or the other of us was home by 5:55 and we’d let her leave once the first of us got there). We did not get down to the hourly nitty gritty. If for some reason the other baby got picked up at 3 one day, it still counted as a full day. We still paid our nanny as if she’d had 2 babies to watch that day. It made everything easier and I think made our nanny feel more valued as we weren’t doing complicated calculations to determine just how little we could get away with paying her. Also, it sort of just works out. Occasionally, one kid might get a little more “extra” one on one time with the nanny one week if the other was picked up early for some reason, but there would be another week when it would switch.
Also, I’d be sure that it was all in writing so that your nanny knows what she can count on the make each week baseline. And then have a separate agreement with portions owed that is in writing between the families.
And I’d have a conversation with the other families about sickness. It sounds like you’re talking about 4 families total so it may make sense to treat it more like a temporary in-home daycare situation where if a kids has a fever they stay home. We chose to just pledge honesty with each other but saw one big advantage to having a nanny be so many fewer parents-out-of-work-b/c-of-sick-kid-days. We basically agreed to treat them like siblings in this regard–use common sense and wash hands and try to not share cups–but also recognize that they were going to swap germs. I think only one time when we were coming back from a trip on a weekend and my son got sick did I stay home with him and have our nanny just go watch the other (well) baby at her home–and that was b/c it seemed that since vacation meant they’d been apart for 10 days that there was a legitimate chance that they hadn’t already exposed each other. Whatever you decide your “policy” on this is is fine, but I would just have the conversation with the other parents.
Anonymous says
For three weeks, you’re basically just hiring a babysitter and sharing right? Does how much she charges depend on how many kids are there? No discount for hosting.
Anon says
Hosting is a perk not a favor (no drop-offs, your house gets cleaned by nanny!) so I definitely wouldn’t expect a discount.
Anonanonanon says
Agreed no discount for hosting- you have the advantage of not packing and doing dropoff/pickup.
Also, if you’re hosting and all have different coverage hours, that’s going to be a bit awkward. When you come home your house is going to be full of kids/the sitter and you’ll inevitably get sucked into either helping with the other kids, or taking advantage of the sitter watching your kid while you’re not paying her (Because your kid will want to keep playing with the other kids, so you’ll have to watch your kid and be in the mix or the sitter is still watching them even though you’re home) so that’s something to think through.
Payment-wise: either work out an hourly cost and everyone venmos the sitter for the hours their kid is there, OR a flat weekly rate and you just split it 3 ways if the hours don’t vary too much. Just like with daycare, I don’t pay less because my kid is there 8 hours a day while someone else’s kid is there for 10 hours.
Anon says
I agree with this – if one family only needs 20 hours of care, it’s one thing. But if you are just varying slightly, I would just split it equally. Lots of parents don’t use the full 11-12 hours that daycare provides and still pay the full rate. This is such a short term thing that I can’t imagine most people are going to be too nitpicky about how the costs are split, anyway.
rosie says
No discount for hosting. But I do think that if you are providing milk/snacks/diapers/etc. for everyone, you can ask for some reimbursement of those costs (not split evenly into thirds, since it’s stuff that you’re buying and using yourselves anyway, I assume).
For just 3 weeks, I would avoid overcomplicating things. Unless hours are drastically different or such that the caregiver will never have more than 2 kids, I would just set an hourly rate and split it evenly for reasons others have mentioned. If the whole arrangement is going over 40 hrs/week, keep in mind overtime laws. Not legal advice but I don’t think you can each pay the caregiver for 15 (non-overlapping) hours each week and avoid overtime pay requirements.
DC preK says
DC moms- my daughter could start free prek3 in the fall at our neighborhood school, while our younger son continues to attend the daycare we love near my work. BUT- what do I do about coverage for my oldest next summer, on holidays, etc, since she would be on the school calendar? She seems so young to start the summer camp rotation- so hire a summer college nanny just for her while the other is in daycare? Or, keep them both in daycare and they could theoretically start at the neighborhood school at the same time, oldest in preK4 and youngest in prek3 (assuming they would both get a spot). But ouch, another year of double daycare (although we do love it). And then my daughter would potentially be missing out on making some new friends in the neighborhood, which would be really nice for all of us. Am I missing something? What does everyone else do in DC during the prek3 and 4 summers?
Anon says
Does your daycare offer any summer only coverage? I’m not in DC, but our daycare offers summer “camps” which are basically just attending the daycare full time during the months that school is out. If not, I’d lean towards keeping them both in the same place. I think your daughter will make new friends whenever she starts the new school and the convenience of having them both in the same place and having your daughter in care you already know you love are important.
Anonymous says
+1 – teacher families and others may go part-time or leave in the summer, and they may have some spots
Anon says
Not in DC, but I sent my oldest back to daycare for any days off and summers. In fact, now my oldest is in elementary and my youngest is in prek4, and they’re still both at daycare this summer. (Our daycare runs a “summer camp” which is awesome with field trips and pool visits and ice cream trucks.) It works out well because they’re familiar with the school, teachers, and most of the friends so drop offs stay pretty smooth even if it’s just for a random Presidents Day holiday in the middle of the week. I’m pre-mourning next summer when my oldest ages out and I have to figure out a new plan for days off/ summers.
Knope says
I’m in DC and while my child is a year younger than yours, families we know who do free PK3 through the city tend to just enroll their kids in summer camps for little ones. DCPR has a few, as do some other private entities (JCC, for example). Not sure about daycares but that seems possible too. Honestly though if your neighborhood school is at all popular, you should grab that PK3 spot now, because 1) chances are there will be many fewer PK4 spots, and 2) your younger one will get in-bound sibling preference for PK3, which almost certainly guarantees a spot.
Tangentially related, would LOVE to hear about your lottery experience, as we’re going to play that game this fall/winter for next year – yikes!
Anon says
+1. I’m not at that stage yet. But everyone I know who got in to a PK3 they liked, jumped at it and uses summer camps. I’ve camp I’ve heard of has programs starting at 3, since they are used to this
cap hill says
+1 In DC. Have a kid days before the sep 30 cut off that got into pre-k 3. it’s been amazing. she’s loved school. after care providers usually do a day camp for spring break/inservice etc. days. we’re doing a weekly summer camp right now that she also loves.
Anonymous says
Someone posted recently about an easy skincare routine for someone with a really minimal approach looking to slightly step up her game. My google-fu is failing me and I can’t find the thread. Anyone remember the thread I’m talking about or want to recommend a resource for a slightly stepped up but still fairly low maintenance routine? I feel I need more than my washing and moisturizing now that I’m solidly in my 30s (going on 33).
Lana Del Raygun says
I don’t recall the thread but my recommendation is add sunscreen!!!!!! You need it anyway but it sounds like you’re looking for something anti-aging, so your options are retinoids and woo, and retinoids increase sun-sensitivity.
FVNC says
I also don’t remember the thread, but about about a year ago, when I was 36 and realized my skin just looked sad, I started a minimal routine that has led to improvements. Mornings: splash face with water, apply sunscreen and makeup/tinted moisturizer if I’m wearing it (I WFH so most mornings just sunscreen). Night: wash face (embarrassingly, I had not done this consistently since I stopped wearing full makeup), apply Paula’s Choice Vitamin C serum mixed in with my moisturizer, then eye cream. Very occasionally — once every week or two when I have 10 extra minutes — I do add moisturizing mask. My skin has improved: it’s “glowier” (??) and the tone is more even such that I feel comfortable being bare-faced in public. I have not dived into retinoids, but I guess that is the next step for anti-aging.
Anonymous says
Wash your makeup off every night. Moisturize morning and night. Sunscreen in the morning, retinol at night a few times a week.
ElisaR says
I think it was around age 35 when i FINALLY started washing my makeup off at night. And it was at the pleading of my eye doctor.
Now at 41 I’m minorly obsessed with skincare routine. I worked up to it (by obsessed I mean I wash each night, use a serum (! big deal for me), moisturize and retinol. Oh and and botox! Ha!
OP says
Thanks, I do wash my makeup off (on the rare occasion that I wear it these days). I feel my skin just looks blotchier and duller than it used to and I was hoping something, maybe a serum?, would help it look fresher. I do have sensitive skin, so I don’t like to wear makeup every day (especially mascara) because it is irritating.
2 follow-ups for everyone: (1) recs for physical sunscreen to wear every day without white cast? (2) how do you go about getting prescription retinol? Does it have to be from a derm rather than a primary care? Does insurance typically cover this if you don’t have acne?
Thanks and sorry for another skincare post. I know we get a lot of these.
Anonymous says
If you’re dealing with dullness I suggest a vitamin c serum. I’ve gotten retinol from the dermatologist and they can usually give you a coupon because even if it’s for acne sometimes insurance won’t cover it. You can also start off with a lower dose retinol available at the drugstore. Takes longer to start working but still effective. Try ROC or neutrogenias
H13 says
I’m 39 and just started rx retinol. I just went to the derm and asked. My insurance covered it but I don’t think that is standard.
I will also say that a vitamin c serum in the morning has helped me feel a little glowier.
I am a skincare minimalist and do something like the following:
AM: shower or splash water on face, vit c (currently Drunk Elephant), moisturize, sunscreen
PM: cleanse with Ponds cold cream, retinol, rose hip seed oil. On non-retinol days: cleanse, thayer’s witch hazel, hyaluronic serum (The Ordinary), rose hip seed oil.
OP says
Thanks! I think I will start with a Vit C serum in the AM and add some sort of retinol and/or acid in the PM. I do already wear a sunscreen in my morning moisturizer (Cerave), but I don’t love it.
Emily S. says
I’ve added Sunday Riley Good Genes into my every other day routine, and while the results are not overnight, they are lasting. I started seeing results in about a month, but really noticed that my skin is more even, clear, and bright after about a year of use. My routine is minimal: Good Genes (every other day) under Clinique Dramatically Different Moisturizer (gel in the summer, lotion in the winter because I have combo skin), and Supergoop! Unseen Sunscreen or Smooth and Poreless on top. (I’m 36 but got mistaken for a new law school grad last week, so I’m committed to Good Genes and Supergoop! for life.)
OP says
This sounded so promising until I looked up Good Genes and saw it was $100. I’m switching to public service soon, so can’t get myself hooked on that, haha!
Makeup? says
This is such a frivolous question – but what sort of makeup does everyone wear (or not wear) to work these days? I wear foundation, under eye concealer, eyeliner, mascara, and lip color. This is just what I’ve always done. I’d like to cut back but I’m worried I’ll end up look tired. I’m curious what other people wear to work.
Anon says
CC cream (for the light coverage and SPF) and lip color (for the SPF and color). I curl my lashes but no mascara. Takes less than 5 min so my mornings can be as streamlined as possible.
Anon says
I smear on enough of the Neutrogena mineral sheers powder to hide my psoriasis and call it a day – literally takes 30 seconds. I used to wear lipstick, but now it’s once in a blue moon.
Anonymous says
I wear colored lip gloss.
Irish Midori says
I wear BB cream or tinted moisturizer, a toner or blush, shadow, and mascara. If I’m really stepping it up, I’ll add eyeliner. Maybe lip gloss or color if I’m feeling bold.
I think you have to step down a routine kind of gradually to avoid the “tired” look. People get used to the “normal you” look, so a sudden makeup change might attract “are you well” comments, but a gradual one may go unnoticed.
LadyNFS says
BB cream (for the coverage and SPF), light concealer, contour powder on my cheeks, forehead and chin, blush, curl lashes, eyeliner, mascara, brow pencil to fill in brows. Typing it out, I realize it sounds like a lot, but it was more pre-kid (eye shadow! foundation! brow highlighter! setting powder on my face!) and I’ve got it down to where it only takes about 10 minutes. I’ve always been more of a “make up person” so dropping to less wouldn’t feel like “me,” as awful as that sounds.
Anonymous says
Try dropping either mascara or eyeliner. I don’t usually wear both to the office. Can you use a BBcream with sunscreen instead of sunscreen + foundation? That eliminates a step.
CrowTRobot says
Concur… I dropped mascara, and I have no regrets. Bonus: It makes taking off my makeup at the end of the day sooo much easier.
Anon says
I wear moisturizer with SPF and concealer if I have a pimple. I’ve never worn anything else.
IHeartBacon says
Moisturizer, CC cream, mascara, brow filler, blush, lip gloss, highlighter on the inside corners of my eyes. I usually put it all on when I park my car at work using my fingers. Takes 5 minutes.
Anon. says
Mascara. If client meeting, add mineral powder, blush, eye shadow and lipstick.
lawsuited says
I wear BB cream with SPF, concealer under my eyes if I need it, cream blush, cream eyeshadow, tinted brow gel, liquid eyeliner, mascara and lip stain. Switching to cream products has helped a lot because I use by beauty blender sponge or fingers for everything and don’t fuss with other tools. It probably takes 10 minutes.
On the weekend I wear BB cream with SPF, tinted brow gel, mascara and lip balm, which barely takes 5 minutes.
Em says
Mineral foundation, blush, brow powder, eyeliner, and mascara. I apply lip color in the car.
GCA says
BB cream or light mineral powder (over my usual SPF), tinted brow gel, eyeliner, tinted lip balm. If you want to cut back, maybe switch one thing at a time – say swap out the lip color for a tinted balm? Or do either eyeliner or mascara?
AnotherAnon says
On a workday I wear foundation, blush, eye shadow, sunscreen and mascara. This probably doesn’t seem like much but I’m lazy and it’s a lot for me. On the weekends I wear sunscreen only. In January I went 30 days with no makeup at all. At first I really enjoyed it, but I did notice that I looked tired (my ghostly-pale-but-yellow-toned skin didn’t help). Since then I’ve transitioned from sunscreen plus mascara at work back to a full face of makeup. I went back to makeup simply because it makes me feel polished and more confident. I don’t think anyone on my team even noticed that I had stopped wearing it. I say all this to encourage you to play around with what you’re comfortable with and what makes you feel your best.
Anon says
Tinted moisturizer/BB cream (I mix two favorites together to get the perfect shade and dewiness), undereye concealer, a nude eyeliner on the inner rims of my lower eyelid to help me look more awake, mascara, brow gel (usually clear but sometimes I’ll fill them in a little more if they’re looking sparse), and blush. I put tinted chapstick or lip balm on at a stoplight on my way to work. Usually takes me 6-8 minutes total.
Makeup? says
This is so helpful, thank you all! My current routine doesn’t actually take that much time, it just has started feeling like a bit much to me for some reason. (Maybe that’s silly, I don’t know.)
One other question – It sounds like a lot of people use BB cream or CC cream instead of foundation. I use Clinique even better makeup, which is pretty light and I just dab on with my fingertips. Can anyone compare using that and CC/BB cream? I know the difference in theory (has to google it) but it all seems basically the same to me.
Anonymous says
A BB cream is a hybrid skincare and makeup product, so I instead of applying moisturizer + SPF + foundation, I just put on BB cream.
Anon says
tinted sunscreen, undereye concealer and concealer for any random zits, eyeliner and mascara only on top lids, and now I use the RMS beauty lips2cheek for blush / lips (after applying some lip balm). Probably 6-8 minutes? Sometimes if I’m feeling spicier, I’ll do glossier boy brow gel.
H13 says
Eyelid primer, liner, mascara. I can’t figure out blush and while I like the idea of lip color, I just don’t do it except for client meetings and events.
Pogo says
I would def move to a BB or CC cream instead of foundation + concealer if you want to streamline. Also recommend the beautyblender if you’re not using already – I feel like it’s the quickest way to get even coverage.
RR says
Foundation, concealer, loose powder, eyeshadow (a quick swipe with a pencil), mascara, eyebrow gel, lipstick. Sometimes blush. It takes about 5 minutes–everything is the easiest version of those products imaginable.
On weekends, just concealer, mascara, and lip gloss.
Anonymous says
I wear blush, curl my eyelashes and do mascara on top lashes only. I used to use BB/CC cream but now just use the Aveeno spf moisturizers that supposedly have some light reflecting luminous magic (skeptical, but it’s mostly for the spf anyway). I could definitely use concealer and foundation as my skin is not perfect, esp the week or so pre-period, but nothing feels good in summer heat and humidity and also I just don’t want to find the extra 5 min in the morning.
This one goes to 11 says
How do you deal with over-dramatic kid comments like, “I’ll just kill myself”? I got this again from DS (age 9) this morning over the fact that the sandwich bread wasn’t properly pre-cut for him. When I pointed out that his lunch he packed for day camp lacked anything redeeming, he threw all its contents back in the drawer and declared he wasn’t going to eat lunch, ever again, and he’ll just kill himself. Yes, he’s in therapy. Yes, I know to take actual suicidal comments seriously. But he’s doing this for attention, and I can’t rush him to the ER every time he peevishly throws a tantrum. How do you respond to this kind of thing? I threw up my hands and said fine, eat the lunch they provide at camp. I know he’ll snap out of it as soon as I drop him off at camp, but it then proceeds to ruin MY day.
Anonymous says
1- talk to his therapist about how to respond
2- if he’s packing his lunch, don’t interfere
3- I’m so sorry this sounds so hard
Anonymous says
Talk to his therapist. Avoid responsing to his complaints by criticizing him. Ask that he politely ask you to precut the sandwich and you can do it.
I’m not a therapist but as a teenager with low self esteem, I took any criticism from parents as a sign that I was a failure and I was hyper-sensitive to any comment that was slightly negative (like criticizing what I had chosen for lunch). Working with a therapist helped me build resilence but it was a slow process.
SC says
I would do a parent consult with his therapist and ask him/her. Our son is younger, but his therapist has been a tremendous resource in how to handle situations at home.
In the moment, I would probably ignore the content of the statement, even though it’s alarming, when you’re sure it sounds like he’s saying it for attention/shock value. Later, you can also talk to him about how it makes you feel when he makes statements like that, and talk about more appropriate ways to express anger and frustration. His therapist may be able to help too, so make sure he/she knows this is going on, even if you can’t do a parent consult.
Also, address things more globally. Listen to why he was so upset, and work with him on how to make things run more smoothly. Maybe you need to clarify expectations about lunch (I’ve heard of rules like “must include one protein and one plant” or even “must include one item from this drawer and one item from this shelf”), or maybe he doesn’t like any of the available “redeeming” options and needs to shop with you, or maybe he needs to pack his lunch in the evening. Or maybe it’s even bigger picture, and something is going on at camp, or the transition is difficult for him, or he’s sensitive to criticism/the way you framed the lunch issue.
RR says
Going straight to the comments about killing himself definitely necessitates talking to the therapist.
For general overdramatic kid behavior (e.g., my 11 year old daughter saying we are ruining her life by making a different cake than she wants, my 5 year old daughter’s phase of saying she wished she’d never been born or wanted a different mom and dad), I respond calmly: “I’m sorry you feel that way, but this is what we are doing.” “It’s hurtful of you to say that, and it does not change that this is what we are doing.” Rinse and repeat, repeat, repeat. The more calm I am, the more likely they are to calm down. Eventually, every phase passes. My 5 year old hasn’t told me she wishes she had another mom for like 6 months! I’d forgotten that phase until this reminded me. Now, she tells him dramatically that it is insurmountably difficult to pick up her dirty clothes and put them in the hamper.
For a 9 year old, I’d also probably respond that he could take on the responsibility of cutting his sandwich bread himself if he was going to be rude about me doing it. My 11 year old daughter was very late to learning to maintain her own hair (brush well and put in ponytail), so when she complained and screeched at me in the morning that I was hurting her by brushing, I’d calmly tell her that she could learn to do it herself, but as long as I had to do it, she would get my best effort and was not permitted to screech at me. She eventually learned to do it herself because she preferred her best effort to mine. But, I had to deal with a lot of messy looking ponytails and take a deep breath and be okay with her leaving the house looking like she hadn’t, in fact, brushed her hair. It was a couple months in the grand scheme of things, and she got better at it and now handles it herself. So, I’d consider letting him pack his own lunch even if it isn’t redeeming to give him something he can have control over and responsibility for, and then I’d subtly talk up healthy choices and remove some of the unhealthier options. It won’t hurt him to eat unhealthy lunches for a week (or two or three) of camp, and you can move the choices on the sly during that time.
Anon says
I have a 2 year old that’s really active, she much prefers climbing and playing catch etc than coloring, playing with blocks etc. She also likes role playing with her kitchen, dolls etc. Any ideas on indoor toys or activoties to purchase? We try to get outside as much as we can but it’s super hot and we also have a newborn. Thank you!
Anonymous says
My favorite way to burn off energy inside is with a painter’s tape obstacle course. Mark off where to do different activites – like jump three times, crawl under dining room chair, run four times around dining room table, walk line of tape on the floor like a balance beam etc.
Small basketball hoop for inside would also work – little tikes has one.
Anon says
My super active two year old does laps with her stroller (typically with food, rather than dolls in it, but whatever). If we had a basement rec room, I would consider a plastic castle or slide structure. We let ours climb all over the chairs and couch and that seems to keep her happy. The FP animal farm and little people are popular, as is her disney princess little people castle my mom got her. She also loves the M&D cleaning set and runs around with that quite often. I’m not willing to do this, but I have seen or hear of small indoor pools or ball pits, but we have enough clutter without adding tons of balls to the mix. Highly recommend a toddler remote control car – she loves hers and it actually seems toddler proof.
Anonymous says
We had a collapsible slide in our small NYC apartment. It got a lot of use.
Anonymous says
Yes – stroller! Or shopping cart. Weirdly my DD loves the stroller but never liked her shopping cart
rakma says
We have a little tikes slide as an indoor toy. no issues in a carpeted room.
Also, toy cars have been a big hit with my 2yo, with one of those rugs with the roads printed on it. She can turn that into a very movement heavy activity, but I can just sit there and move a car around.
Anonymous says
I have her help me clean or do anything around the house. Wiping windows, cleaning up spills, etc…and believe it or not she loves to sit outside in the shade and clean our paver patio with a bucket of soapy water. Little tykes trampoline if you have the room(we don’t). We have the vtech ice cream cart which has been a HUGE hit with her and all her friends. I also just got her a baby alive doll which she likes. My DD is also 2 and not into crafting or blocks. There’s a lot of pretend play with kitchen/dolls/animals and some Duplos building.
Ducky says
A small exercise trampoline has been a big hit at our house.
Emily S. says
Yes! Ours, too! We have a triangle-shaped one that folds up from the river store and it has been used every week for 2 years (4 year old and soon to be 2 year old.)
AwayEmily says
Same, I was worried it wouldn’t be worth the square footage but both kids really love it. We have the little tikes one.
GCA says
How much space do you have? Any patio? Could you do a water table or small inflatable pool outside? Is there room for a slide? What about something like playsilks? Learning tower so she can ‘help’ in the kitchen? (Sorry for the barrage of questions but hopefully one of these suggestions will stick!)
Op says
Thank you guys so much! I just ordered the vtech ice cream cart! She’ll love that. I want to get a trampoline but we don’t have a ton of room. A foldable one would be great, any brands that are foldable? Little tikes doesn’t seem to be?
Emily S. says
Try the Diggin Foldaway Mini Trampoline. I’ve never actually folded ours because it is in heavy demand, but it’s theoretically possible. (We have the ice cream cart, too, in heavy rotation!)
Pogo says
Collapsible tunnel from the river store. My similarly inclined 2yo crawls through with his stuffys. The v-tech ice cream looks like a good call, we have a ride-on train thingy that I don’t think they make anymore but he loves.
Have you tried a M&D starter train set? Something about the building of the tracks and the rolling of the trains gets kiddo to sit and focus even though he’d rather be climbing up the walls. We literally have four trains and the smallest number of tracks to make a figure 8. I think any more and he’d be overwhelmed at this age.
Anon says
Just need to vent. On vacation with my extended family and this will probably be the only time we travel together due to a parent’s illness and one of my 13 month old twins has been sick almost the entire trip, waking up multiple times a night etc. i def didn’t expect a relaxing vacation but i didn’t expect to be heading home this drained and exhausted. I feel so badly for her that she doesn’t feel well but I’m just sooooo soooo tired. And of course next week DH is going on a business trip
Anonymous says
Hugs. Our trip when my son was that age was literally the most exhausting I can remember, so hopefully it will get better from here. He just did not sleep. And he wasn’t sick! Can you take a day off work when the babies are in childcare to rest?
Anonymous says
You poor thing! Grab earplugs and an eyemask and let DH deal with the wake-ups for a few nights so you can get some rest before he goes.
SC says
Hugs. I remember returning from a beach trip when my kid was 1 and thinking (and posting here) “Never again!” Rinse and repeat when Kiddo was 2. I just have one kid, and he wasn’t sick, just refused to sleep!
Last year was much better. We’re leaving this weekend for the same trip, and I’m hoping 4 will be the golden age :-)
Anonymous says
Seven months pregnant with my second kid (this pregnancy is definitely more difficult than my first!) and I would love some advice on pelvic floor exercises. Are there any quick 5-15 minutes YouTube or Prime videos of daily pelvic floor exercises? I’ve started peeing just a little after sneezes and am now wearing Poise liners.
CHL says
Try Momma Strong! Best $5/month you’ll ever spend!
Pogo says
Yeah, I’d just pony up and buy one of the video series – One Strong Mama isn’t a subscription, I think you buy everything at once, and it has PP stuff too.
K. says
I have bought One Strong Mama and I love it. It has an online private group on Facebook too and it has post-partum exercise routines too!
AlexisFaye says
Co-parenting question…I have recently (January) started seeing an old college classmate. He has been wonderful with me. He listens, he empathizes, he always has time for me…Really a great man, with me. I really, really like him. He has already agreed to see a co-parenting coach with me, but does the following seem untenable? We both have 3 children from prior relationships. We have *extremely* different parenting styles. I parent with rules, but encourage my kids to advocate on their behalf. I am frequently persuaded when they have well-reasoned, thought out arguments that address my concerns. Within my rules, I allow them to self direct. I don’t supervise homework, but when my son brought home a mostly B report card we discussed how those results did not meet our standards, and if he wanted to continue enjoying autonomy he needed to step it up. He did. I let my kids die their hair, pick their clothes, and establish their own methods timelines (as long as they accomplish goals by a deadline, “I need you to do A and B by noon). I find him to be super controlling. As an example, his son doesn’t like mayonnaise on his sandwiches. Boyfriend requires that he has it, because otherwise it’s not a “real” sandwich, and it will be dry. Does not let other son wear his hair slicked back (even at home) because it’s not how his hair is “meant” to be worn. Children (10 and 7) are not permitted to access any food without asking his explicit permission. There is a “right” way to do everything. Variances from this are not tolerated. His daughter was setting the table, he said “big plates for grown-ups, little plates for kids.” She already had 3 big plates and 2 littles (for 2 adults and 3 kids), he said it was fine, but she swapped one of the bigs for a third little. He went behind are and put it back how he had said “it’s fine.” Does not engage in any discussion about rules or logic underpinning them. Has no tolerance for disobedience (“don’t do that,” next time “I said to f*cking stay in your seat!”). He scripts their free time. After homework there is chores (which he directs to a micro-managing level), family plays sports (playing outside or “free” time is discouraged), food, bed. I don’t find the kids well-adjusted at all. Mine are 13, 10, and 8. I find the 10 yo girl particularly to be hugely insecure and acts infantile. Curls in on herself, often doesn’t talk above the faintest whisper, baby girl voice, etc. I also find him to be disrespectful or unkind to his mom (she didn’t want to drive us to the airport last night, because she had a glass of wine and wanted to put the kids to bed. Totally reasonable! He acted like a jerk about it…)
Am I fooling myself that we can find a medium, here? Thanks.
Anon says
How often do you both have your kids? Someone I know from my social circle but don’t know well dated a man with kids from a prior marriage. They were able to work out their parenting plans so they both had their kids on the same nights and spent those nights separate. They then had the same nights without kids and spent those nights together. Basically, their relationship wasn’t a secret but they never co-parented. Is there a way that could work for you?
Nan says
I hate being a naysayer, but I would seriously rethink whether this relationship has any long term potential. He’s great with you *now* but with time I think you can expect that he will treat you similarly to how he treats his kids and his mother. None of what you’re describing is normal acceptable behavior in my opinion. I also wouldn’t want my kids exposed to that kind of controlling behavior.
shortperson says
x1000. his poor kids.
Anonymous says
This. He might treat you nice now but it’s only a matter of time before he treats you how he treats his kids. Does he actually swear at his kids like that? I feel really really bad for his kids.
I see no way in which this can work. Like he’s micromanaging his kids homework in one room while he’s fine with your kid not doing their homework in another room? He’s mean to his kids about how they set the table but your kids are allowed to set the table another way?
I wouldn’t want my kids around someone like that. I’d end the relationship immediately. Hopefully his kids have their mother in the picture to balance off some of his behavior.
Anonymous says
I usually have an open mind about finding compromises with people, but I have to say I agree with this. I know someone in a relationship with a man who is this controlling to their children, and it is really hurtful to all involved. I don’t think this kind of controlling tendency is easy to let go, so I would be very skeptical of any plans for him to dramatically change.
Anonymous says
+1. He sounds scary honestly
Anon says
He sounds absolutely terrifying. I thought this was going to be “I don’t stand over my kids and do their homework so sometimes they get Bs in school and have to figure out how to do better; he supervises homework every night and never gives his kids independence or a chance to fail.” That is the kind of difference you can work through with counseling and compromise. Not this.
Anonymous says
+1
FVNC says
+2
From this description, he sounds like a modern day Capt Von Trapp, pre-Maria.
AlexisFaye says
Ha. Love the Capt. Von Trapp statement. We went to a service academy and he’s still a reservist…………………………….
shortperson says
not that cpt von trapp was amazing, but he was not outright mean to his kids like this. i think some ppl dont realize their partner is like this until after they have kids with them, but you have it staring at you in the face. i would do a clean break, he sounds like he could get scary after a breakup.
Anonymous says
I’d be doubly nervous that he views himself as the captain and does not tolerate disobedience from your children and views your support of them as disloyal to him. Has he met your kids?
Also surprised about his treatment of his mom given the service academy background. I would have thought respect of elders was emphasized.
Anon says
I get the reference, but Captain Von Trapp didn’t curse at his kids or treat his mother badly. Please don’t ignore major red flags like this, excuse bad behavior, or wait for someone to change based on a character in a musical.
lsw says
I’m late to the game here, but please shut this down. I feel awful for his children. I would not want my own children to see someone like that in a place of authority.
In my experience, co-parenting is tough enough as it is and honestly this guy would make it so much harder.
Anon says
Run away screaming. This doesn’t even sound like a parenting style difference, he just sounds like an insane, angry control freak. He yells the F word at his children? He’s nasty to his mom? What is he going to do when guys encounter something you don’t want to do that he thinks you should do, like…god forbid…have mayo on your sandwich!? Because I guarantee it will happen and if it’s not trying to control you yet, it’s just because you’re still in some kind of honeymoon period.
Have you heard the old cliche about when you go on a date with a guy, look at how he treats the waiter, because he’s trying to impress you but he’s not trying to impress the water? It’s silly but there’s truth to it. A guy who is nice to you and nasty to everyone else in his life is not a good guy, and will eventually be nasty to you. This isn’t really about the kids at all, I don’t think. You say yourself he is also disrespectful to his mom. He will be disrespect you too as soon as the shine wears off the relationship. Please get out yourself and your kids out of this situation.
Nan says
+1. This is what I was trying to say, put more directly.
Anonymous says
+1
2 Cents says
+1 exactly the waiter analogy. He’s doing this stuff to his kinds while he’s trying to impress you (since you’re dating, I assume). How much worse will be it when he’s comfortable? Run run run!
SC says
+1. I don’t think there’s even a decent chance that he will continue treating you well. Even if he did, I don’t know how you’d mesh your parenting style (which sounds reasonable) with his controlling behavior. Please get yourself and your kids out of this ASAP. Also, his poor kids!
Anon says
+1 This behavior likely explains why he’s no longer with his kids’ mother.
Lana Del Raygun says
I mean honestly I think it’s less a question of when the shine wears off the relationship and more a question of when he’s satisfied that he’s adequately groomed you to accept this behavior.
Anonymous says
This. Treating you well, while treating his children and mother poorly is grooming behavior. He’s conditioning you to not to object to that treatment, and soon you’ll start treating you that way as well. He’s showing you who he is. Believe him and get out.
drpepperesq says
+1
So Anon says
+2. Look at the narcissistic cycle of abuse- the is the love b o m b ing phase.
Coach Laura says
+1000 Run. Those poor kids.
Lana Del Raygun says
Ooooof I think you are fooling yourself. I’m sorry. This is solidly over the top, and the fact that he’s not respectful to his mother is a huge red flag to me.
Knope says
RUN. Honestly, I was reading your question with a somewhat open mind, thinking that maybe he just has crazy high expectations for his kids regarding achievement or whatever. But this is control for control’s sake, and there are red flags everywhere. Run now. Those poor kids.
Anonymous says
If he is behaving like this towards his kids when you are there, I would be really worried about what he’s doing when you’re not around and he’s not on his best behavior.
So Anon says
I see many red flags in your description that go beyond co-parenting differences. I agree with the others who are saying that he may be treating you well now, but given your description, that sounds likely to change. He may never progress to outright physical harm to you or the kids, but emotional abuse can be so subtle that you don’t realize it is happening until years later. Look at the way he treats his daughter. Why do you think he will treat you any differently from a respect perspective? Has he expressed jealousy – not just of your time with other guys but in general of how you spend your time? What happens when you disagree? How does he speak of his ex? Have you spoken with her? Is he a model of what you want your own kids to look for (in a partner or as a partner) when they are adults? Be wary of seeking a co-parenting coach or counsel because people who act like you describe can be master manipulators and can pull the wool over the coach’s eyes unless that person is trained to be on the lookout for this type of person.
My advice as someone who is recovering from a 14 year emotionally abusive marriage – run. Run far away. If you see signs now, do not ignore them, think you can make it better or fix anything. Run.
Anonymous says
“She already had 3 big plates and 2 littles (for 2 adults and 3 kids), he said it was fine, but she swapped one of the bigs for a third little. He went behind are and put it back how he had said “it’s fine.””
This example is really disturbing to me. It’s like she was scared it wasn’t in fact ‘fine’ and tried to fix it so she wouldn’t get in trouble after you left. I find it really strange and controlling that he then changed it back. There was no ‘it’s okay sweetheart, I said it was fine to leave it like it was but thank you for trying to make it perfect. You did a great job setting the table.” He’s exercising a disturbing level of control and perfectionism with these kids.
Anonymous says
Adding that you should be really concerned by the difference of how he treats you compared to his mother and kids. If he can be kind to you, why is he not kind to them? He’s being manipulative.
He will sell this to a co-parenting coach as him being strict and you being lax. Co-parenting coaches are equipped to address disagreements about if homework is to be done before or after chores or tv etc. They are not equipped to deal with intentionally manipulative behavior.
RR says
He sounds like an abusive jerk. Sorry, but I think those are huge red flags. I’m a strict parent, but forcing kids to eat food they hate because that’s what he thinks is the “right” way to eat a sandwich? So much yikes there. That controlling behavior will extend to you eventually. And your children. Run.
Anonymous says
+1
What happens when you don’t want mayo on a sandwich? Are you okay with him forcing your children to eat certain foods that they dislike?
Anonymous says
Your boyfriend is gross and controlling. Idk what’s wrong with you that you are still dating him. Break up immediately do not inflict this trash on your children.
AlexisFaye says
This is not an ok response. Ad hominem attacks and shaming are no more appropriate than his behavior. People are not commodities. If we threw everyone away no progress would ever happen. And we would all like a little grace and compassion for our faults. Rethink.
Anonymous says
No. He’s an abuser, you’re minimizing it, and putting your children at risk. You need to seek therapy to explore why you’ve spent 6 months dating a man who screams at his kids over Mayo and what it is about yourself that is lacking
AlexisFaye says
1. I’ve known him for 20 years, and April was the first time I observed this behavior.
2. He does not, and has never, treated my children this way.
3. There is nothing about me that is lacking.
4. If there was something about me that was lacking, you would be victim blaming me, here. Which is not to say that victims are “lacking,” but just to assume your premise. We don’t do this. We offer victims of abuse, of any kind, the support they need to move on. Your post is not supportive.
5. Do you merely wish to punish behavior, or to reform it? He emailed a parenting coach, with me CCed today. He has admitted that he knows he has some issues. He has never gotten angry at me for pointing it out. This speaks to his self-awareness and desire for at least some change. Again, people are not commodities. They are complicated, with so many moving parts. To think otherwise is to be trapped in the strict black and white of childhood.
If you genuinely wish to offer support and encouragement, there are something like 20 posts above that can help do so in a constructive, empathetic manner.
Anonymous says
Knock yourself out trying to fix him. Don’t ask for advice if you don’t want him. The man is dangerous.
Anonymous says
OP I’ d suggest you think carefully about why you responded so strongly to the one rude comment on this thread and not to thenmany comments expressing concern in a reasoned and thoughtful manner. It is now July – he’s been doing this for 3 months in front of you. If he wanted to change it would have happened by now. In three months he has sent one email. Did the email schedule a specific appointment? He needs to improve his parenting separate from any coparenting issues. Has he signed up for parenting classes? How is his ex involved? Have the three of you sat down to discuss parenting strategies?
AlexisFaye says
That’s easy. I agree with the thoughtful and reasoned comments. They confirm what I already think (he’s being super unreasonable). They provide empathy and perspective. They have suggestions that don’t devalue either of us as humans. To the extent I should be thanking them, thank you!
The rude comment is judgmental and hostile. Not an appropriate way to talk to or about someone.
shortperson says
i agree that the comment above was unnecessarily rude, and i dont think that there is something “wrong” with you, but i’m concerned that your response indicates that you believe that this is a fixable problem. i am part of a large chorus here who believes that you need to get yourself and kids out of this situation as soon as possible. he may behave for a while but you have seen who he is.
Coach Laura says
Agree with shortperson that this is not fixable nor something a parenting coach will help. Would you be ok with him treating your kids like he treats his? Being open to changing a behavior is far away from reversing a decade of poor treatment. I would have trouble being around someone like that even in a social setting (e.g. Boy/Girls Scouts, Church, PTA events).
Irish Midori says
I’m gonna chime in and say that calling people “gross” isn’t helpful. Other comments and observations have been, but I’m losing my patience with “gross” and “trash” being applied to humans, however unsavory their behavior. It’s not the first time I’ve seen it on this board.
Nan says
+1
Anonymous says
He is gross and he is trash! He’s an adult man who yells at his kid over Mayo. I’m out of patience with this nimby-pimby prissiness