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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
very anon says
Maybe this is a silly comment, but I’m due with number 2 in 7 weeks and I’m very anxious about how it will affect my relationship with my daughter and bonding with new kiddo. Fwiw, I had a hard first year connecting with daughter because of a long nicu stay and then a year of scary health problems for her. That combined with just not being a baby person made it hard to bond. Now, at nearly 3, I want to spend all my time with her. We have such a special relationship, and I’m so nervous to both disturb that and how I feel toward this new kid. Is this normal?
Boston Legal Eagle says
Totally normal. This is a big change for everyone, but especially little kids who can sense that something is very different but don’t really understand it and may not have the words to express how they feel. This is not to say that you are doing anything wrong or that you should feel guilty about her (possible) negative reactions!! This is just life, and you will all adjust, even if the first year or maybe several years feel chaotic.
I’ve heard the advice to have some one-on-one time with the older kid if you can once the baby is here. She may still feel upset, but it could help.
FVNC says
Agree this is normal. I also had trouble bonding with my daughter, in part due to the first two+ years of her life being marked by developmental delays, lots of therapy and intervention, not sleeping, etc. When baby #2 was born, my daughter was 3.5 yrs old and the light of my life. I was enjoying parenting her for the first time without the stresses that had been present during her baby and toddler years. And I felt like having baby #2 might disrupt all of that happiness and progress. It’s turned out completely fine; the old cliche about the heart expanding to make room for a second kid has been totally true. Yes, my relationship with my daughter has changed, but the change has been good. I agree you should spend as much one-on-one time as you can with her, and make her feel special whenever you can, but also foster the relationship between her and her new sibling. You’ll do great!
very anon OP says
Thank you so much. DD also has delays and has been through lots of therapy and interventions, and I think there’s a lot of emotions tied up in going through that experience so your comment is especially encouraging.
Normal but be hopeful says
First, your feelings are totally normal.
Second, be optimistic! Neither of my kids has had any negative feelings about their new sibling (and the older one didn’t when number two arrived either). They’ve always seen younger sibling as a special present we got just for them (typical self centered little kids) My almost 3 year old son ADORES his new baby sister. There’s been a couple days where he needs some extra hugs but really the transition has gone well. And honestly it is great for my relationship with the kids because I get to see them as older siblings, which is super sweet. My 4 yo DD gave baby a bottle (with her dad) for the first time yesterday while I was out and it may have been the highlight of her short life.
It may not be all sunshine and roses – and adding a new baby to the mix is hard! – but I’d go ahead and present the baby as a great! new! addition! to the family! And hopefully DD will agree! And if she doesn’t, give it time. Also I really like the book Siblings Without Rivalry, by the same authors as How to Talk So Kids Will Listen.
K. says
This was my experience with my daughters. Aside from a weekend when baby #2 was four weeks old and my husband had a business trip and my mom (who lives 12 hours away) visited to help out and oldest was a disaster (because…you know!), my oldest has taken everything in stride and loved being a big sister. It is possible to have pretty smooth transitions. I tried to include my 3 year old in taking care of the baby and constantly reminding her of how important she was to her new sister. I also had her get a gift for the baby and the baby “got” a gift for her! I don’t think things like that will make things perfect, but it helped the transition.
Anonymous says
So normal! I cried over my sleeping daughter’s bedside before I went to the hospital to give birth to my second because I wanted her to stay an only child (my husband, trying to pull me out the door because I was very much in labor, was like, ummm this ship sailed approximately nine months ago and we really have other things to worry about right now). The first couple days and weeks home from the hospital were very hard, trying to balance a needy newborn and an active toddler- really lean on your support network if you can. My oldest acted out a bit and I definitely think it related to the appearance of the new baby. But, 9 months later, they are now sharing a room and it is so so so cute- they giggle every night before bed and chat in the mornings. My husband and I also schedule our weekends so we each get one on one time with each kid, which I think is really important. The oldest has bonded more with her dad since I’m naturally tied up more with the youngest, which is sometimes hard for me when she seems to prefer daddy but ultimately I think really good for everyone. Good luck!
anon says
Also here to say its totally normal. I went through the same thing, DD was 3 when baby brother came along. Before the baby came, I assumed that I would be consumed with him and I would lose time with my daughter. But, babies sleep – a lot! So, I had lots of time to hang out with my daughter and it showed her that I was still there for her and she had a new playmate.
HSAL says
Totally normal. Once when I was pregnant with my twins, I came home to my husband crying while watching Boss Baby with our older daughter. When I watched it later we were both like “WE WILL NEVER SKIP SINGING YOU YOUR SPECIAL SONG.” It was hard, but she never acted out much and we tried to have “dates” every Saturday morning where just she and I would go out and pick up food, run errands, etc.
BUT ALSO – something I didn’t expect was for my feelings for my daughter to change too. This sounds terrible, but someone said something similar here recently about how your feelings for your dog would change, and this is honestly a little similar. When you’re dealing with a second baby and your older child (rightfully) just wants some attention you can’t give at that moment, you’re probably going to get super frustrated with her, and that’s okay. It comes and goes – I found that if she tried to touch me while I was nursing I just needed her to get away from me because I didn’t have the physical or emotional capacity to deal with her while I was nursing two babies. It’s better now, but it still flares up on occasion. So just be prepared for that, because I wasn’t.
Callie says
I think this is normal. Not talked about enough. But totally normal.
I was so worried about this when I was pregnant with my daughter. How could I possibly love a newborn like I loved my (then 17 month old) son?! And I have to admit, that when I brought her home, I didn’t. When my son was brought home, he was my only baby–and I felt immediately smitten. Yes, I was tired with taking care of a newborn and the newness of new parenting, but look at this adorable baby! Yet, when my daughter came home, I could see that in comparison to my toddler, she was just a blob. Yes, a sweet cute baby blob, and I loved her, but how could that compare with the love I had for this incredible little silly fun toddler person my son was? And that of course made me feel so guilty.
But here’s the thing, two and a half years later, I love both my kids so much. In equal and different ways. Both so much more than I did when they were first born or even 17 months old. It just sneaks up on you. I’ve watched them grow for the last (almost 4 years and 2.5 years) and I’ve gotten to know them more and more and somehow my heart has just expanded. I know it’s corny. But it’s kinda like how I thought my heart would burst for my husband when I married him and I couldn’t possibly love him more, but now many years later with more life experiences behind us and this parenting gig we share, and yeah, I would say I love him more than I knew was possible then.
I’m now pregnant with my third. And I am sorta expecting to feel the same way. But with less worry this time. Like I know that it will all even out. And my kids will all be loved and adored and it’s okay to not be as in love with a newborn as you are with these little people you’ve already spent all this time invested in getting to know and loving for several years now. It catches up and one day you’ll realize that they’re all your loved and adored baby chicks. (Which doesn’t mean that I might not feel guilty about it in the newborn postpartum haze, but hopefully I just won’t be as thrown off by it this time.)
So much good luck and solidarity and yes-this-is-normal to you!
AwayEmily says
This is so well put. I had the exact same experience. The love for my first was intense and all at once and the love for my second took a lot longer. I’m really grateful for people on this board who reassured me that it was normal and that it would grow in time. It really did.
anon says
Yes, it’s normal.
Your daughter may also react any which way to the new baby. Some kids just need a few extra hugs. My daughter, in contrast, was mad at me for a year–it was like I would feel if my husband cheated with a mistress. She was furious. Wouldn’t even look at me. Wouldn’t hug me or let me read to her. She was so so so mad. It took us a really long time to heal, but now I’m thrilled to have two kids, she loves her sister, and it’s lovely. It was just a really tough transition. Whatever happens, you’ll get through it.
Redux says
I just want to say thank you to everyone who chimed in on the question of tradeoffs in work-life balance, and whether to step away from a lean-out position that is driving me bananas with boredom. This is such a useful sounding board!
Anonymous says
I miss the discussion yesterday but I’d add that you should also look into volunteer work. I have a similar job and have gotten a lot of fulfillment outside of work through volunteering. And the good thing about volunteering is that you control your own schedule so when work or family are temporarily busy, you can take a step back without worrying about consequences.
Anon says
I’m a little demoralized this morning. I went out with some friends last night – all women who are awesome, ambitious, hard working people. We all have kids and high powered jobs and we all have the same problem — our husbands are kinda lazy. We are the ones figuring out child care, house maintenance, household budgets, cleaning, organizing, etc. AND bringing home the bacon. The men are just not…picking up their fair share of the drudgery. I just see so many examples (myself included) where men are dropping the d@mn ball, and women are picking it up. None of us thought we were marrying “that guy” — it’s easy to divide chores before kids, and these men are self professed feminists. And now, we’re stuck with guys who are nice enough but happy to leave all of work to us And it’s easy to say “don’t keep score” when you’re not the one doing all of the work.
I don’t know what I’m asking, I just am upset because it’s more common than not. (Or at least it feels that way.)
octagon says
It is so common. I literally do not have a single mom-friend who doesn’t feel this way. One of my good friends cut her hours to part-time because she was running herself completely ragged trying to stay on top of work and the kids.
My DH has his own blind spots, but I’ve tried to be better about specifically delegating to him (even though managing the house is its own chore, sigh). I read Drop the Ball last year and it was really helpful — when I say I’m not doing something, I’m not. It is out of my lane and I don’t care. So what if our yard is weedy and the deck still needs to be powerwashed. I could make 2 calls in 10 minutes to solve these problems, but they are no longer mine to solve.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Based on what I read here and the articles that get publicized, I get the sense that this is common but it doesn’t have to be this way. I don’t feel this way in my marriage. If anything, I’m the one who’s “lazy” and don’t like doing the drudgery, nor do I feel like it’s all my responsibility, but I do my share because my marriage and family are important. Maybe we’re outliers but I hope the trend is going towards a true equalization of labor in relationships. The best model I can give my kids is both of us contributing to household and childcare responsibilities, and truly valuing these things.
This is suggested a lot but, can you discuss this with your husband in couple’s counseling? Tell him how it makes you feel to take on a lot of the invisible labor. And it may mean writing down and dividing up tasks, and the truly letting go of what is not on your list. And maybe take a weekend away so that your husband deals with the house and kids alone.
Eek says
+1 Sometimes I feel really guilty because my husband carries more of the load than I do.
Butter says
+1 to both of these
Anon says
+1 to feeling like the lazy one in my marriage and my husband doing more. I have some friends with worthless husbands, but honestly it was REALLY obvious pre-kids and even pre-marriage, they just chose to ignore a lot of red flags, which I think is way easier to do when you don’t have kids because there’s so much less total work.
Anon says
(Also fwiw, my husband and I work similar hours, but he earns twice as much and has a way more traditionally prestigious job.)
OP says
You’ve fallen into the trap that I alluded in my original post. That somehow women are at fault for choosing the wrong partner.
Anon says
I mean, “at fault” is harsh but I don’t think it’s a trap. I know a lot of people in very equal marriages and we all made a conscious choice to marry a feminist guy who wanted to be an equal partner and parent. I know a lot of people in unequal marriages who ignored warning signs that were obvious to me even as an outsider. I’m not saying nobody marries a great guy who suddenly turns into a dud (men can get PPD and other mental health issues that can change their personality a lot after kids) but in my experience that’s the exception, not the norm.
OP says
So…congratulations that you married well? I don’t what to say to you other than that.
Anon says
I just don’t have a lot of use for people complaining about things that are the direct result of choices they made. So many women act like a lazy, useless husband is something that happened *to* them and usually it’s not. It’s a pretty logical consequence of choice(s) they made.
OP says
Again, you’re a hero for marrying a well. You should write a book at how amazing your life choices are. We’d all read it.
anon says
#notallmen, sure. But really, the societal forces here are a huge part of it. How many times has my (awesome, feminist — I am accepting any and all congratulations) spouse been asked where our kid is all day while he’s at work? How many times have I been praised for doing a house- or kid-related chore? When the ball inevitably falls, who gets outside judgment for that most often — the man or the woman in a relationship?
Anonymous says
In my group of mom friends I’m the only one, I think, in a legitimately egalitarian marriage (in that I do no more than 50% of anything like housework or child rearing). Their husbands are all nice guys– I was friends with the guys first– but I would divorce all their butts in a heartbeat. I am also the only one, though, who is willing to let things not be done instead of doing them myself. Dishes are my husband’s job and I ignore them completely. I don’t tell him when I see they’re piling up, he’s not blind or an idiot. If he tells me he’s swamped right now and would I mind unloading the dishwasher, I’ll happily do that, and he’ll make it up to me later by getting my oil changed or something without me asking. I think it’s just a matter of priorities and personalities. I am full of sloth and don’t mind a little dirt and I would rather have sixteen dirty plates on the counter than wash the dishes, but I know all my friends would rather have a clean kitchen than drop the ball, and that’s okay! Do your thing, just own it. I admit I’m puzzled by what they’ll put up with, but I am puzzled by many things and it’s not my place to be like “your husband sucks.” But for anecdata, people do in fact have husbands that do their share, I think we are just less visible and possibly not the norm. My husband never lived on his own– we were high school sweethearts who moved in together after college– and honestly his own family is not even a good example, his mom stayed home and did everyone’s laundry and wiped up after them all. Still does. But we moved in together and he ran out of clean pants and then he washed his own pants. It’s not rocket science.
Ducky36 says
+1. I could have written this, except we were college sweethearts.
We go through phases where one of us is doing a little more than the other, mostly because of work schedules, but overall he really does at least half of the work of running the house and raising the kids.
Anonymous says
I have to say I don’t feel that way! Just to provide an alternate data point. I certainly have some friends that do but a lot of my friends, and me, have partners that completely pull their weight if not more. Don’t get me wrong, I can certainly find things to complain about, like every person in a relationship, but overall I am very happy and think things are fair. Maybe all your friends were just in a bit of an echo chamber together?
OP says
No, we all have very real issues.
Anonymous says
+1. I really don’t know anyone that feels this way in real life and am always surprised by how many complaints there are about husbands here. I think the hive mind/echo chamber effect is real.
Anonymous says
+1 I do think a lot of people are married to someone not pulling their weight, but it is not common in my circle of friends (DC suburbs). Both parents are working their butts off to make money and maintain a family/home. Even with stay at home mom families, the fathers are still doing childcare/housework/etc…
Kart says
My advice whenever this comes up is to hire out housecleaning if you can afford it, and most people on this board can. For $100/week, not to have to fight over who has to clean the toilets, make the beds, and mop the kitchen is well worth it.
GCA says
It works, but it seems like a short-term solution to a long-term and deep-rooted societal problem, especially if you have kids watching your relationship patterns.
Quail says
Agreed. And who researches, vets, hires, and communicates with the housecleaners? In my house, it’s me.
anon says
One thing that we have done is to assign all dishes and laundry to my husband, who is terrible at handling non-recurring issues, like summer camp registration, addressing home repairs, etc. Every day there is laundry and dishes and I only do them when I really need to, like I want to wash a certain pot to use it to cut immediately. Otherwise, I just throw stuff in the hamper or the sink. I still feel like I have too much other crap to deal with, but at least those jobs are off my plate–and my sons are seeing dad do tangible household chores. We will hopefully get to the invisible ones later.
I also agree that Drop the Ball is very helpful.
anon says
hopefully all the people on this board with sons can raise them so that this is not an issue in their marriage :-)
Anon says
I don’t think anything’s changing though, as long as women are letting their husbands get away with this crap. What you model for your kids has way more impact than what you tell them. I have a good friend in OP’s situation and when I ask her what message she’s sending her son by letting him see her do all the cooking, housework, childcare, etc (after she complains about her husband doing nothing, I don’t bring it up unsolicited), she just kind of shrugs it off and says she’ll tell him to do better than his dad. I roll my eyes inwardly. The behavior he sees at home will have so much more of an impact.
So Anon says
This is my plan. I am no longer with their Dad, which is part of the message (i.e. this is not how to treat/be treated by someone), but now that it is just me and the kids, I have had very honest conversations about everybody doing their part. I think this goes to the conversation about raising an adult. I view it is part of my job to teach both of my kids (son and daughter) how to manage money, be responsible for their own behaviors, accept their emotions, be polite, do laundry (our house rule is that I help for a year from 9-10 and they are on their own at 10), be responsible for their homework, cook, clean, communicate their needs and emotions. And with their current ages (elementary school), they can certainly start taking on many of these tasks.
anon says
It is upsetting, and I think it is more common than not. My household is more even than most, and I still have my fair share of complaints about how my husband doesn’t see the same things I do. Case in point: Last night, I was helping with my kids’ VBS at church. DH was home and spent the whole evening on home-maintenance chores that could be done anytime, on whatever timeline he chooses. Meanwhile, there were dirty dishes piled up in the sink, the dishwasher needed to be unloaded so we could do something about said dirty dishes … why in the world wouldn’t you tackle THAT before servicing the lawnmower and organizing the workbench? I shouldn’t have to tell you — it’s plain as day that we have effing dishes everywhere! The stupid dishes were still there this morning because I was exhausted when I got home, and hadn’t even had a chance to have dinner. Plus we had two overtired kids that needed to get to bed. I don’t want to sound ungrateful, because DH does handle a lot of things I never touch, but it seems that I’m stuck with the chores that require immediate work while he has more of the long-term stuff. I don’t know; it’s a problem.
anne-on says
This is actually pretty well documented, so you’re not alone – men to do the ‘big’ but it can wait tasks (garden/auto/home care) while women get stuck with the ones that MUST get done (cooking, laundry, bathing children, homework supervision). Partially, women have been proven to multi-task better BUT I also think women are TAUGHT to multitask better at an earlier age. I know it drives me batty that my husband can never ever deliver a hot meal when he says he will (me, let’s eat at 5:30, him, sure! no problem! then, dinner is on the table at 6:30…ugh).
I try really hard to model and teach my son these ‘executive functioning skills’ ie – read a recipe together and discuss what we should do first, what can get done while something else is cooking. Modeling that if you leave a room/go upstairs take something along the way with you, etc. etc. I was taught these as a child but can clearly see my brother was not and apparently neither were many men I know!
Anon says
Maybe this is an unpopular opinion but no, the dishes didn’t *need* to be done and the dishwasher didn’t *need* to be unloaded. Maybe it’s a difference in priorities? I know that for me, keeping up with the daily tasks leaves no time or energy for the one-off “can be done later” things…sometimes you have to let the kitchen slide to get to some other things on your list. If he’d been sitting on the couch for three hours I understand the frustration, but he was doing housework; it just wasn’t the work you would have prioritized.
Aunt Jamesina says
But what do you eat off or cook with if there aren’t enough clean dishes? And how do you cook if the counter and sink are full of dirty dishes?
Anonymous says
I have a question for everyone who feels like they do everything. What happens if you just…don’t do stuff? Obviously there are things that have to get done (children have to be fed, dogs have to be walked) but your house doesn’t have to be perfectly clean, your husband’s laundry can pile up until he finds the willingness to do it, your child doesn’t need a homemade Halloween costume. If/when your husband complains about stuff not getting done, can’t you just say “I don’t have time – you can do it if you want”?
OP says
So for me – we do outsource a lot of housework and yard work. The basics are covered. And nobody’s getting a homemade Halloween costume. But there’s a lot of minutiae – like making sure that the swimsuits are washed and put away so that we can find them on water day. I could let it go, but then I have 2 toddlers who will be wailing when they aren’t able to participate. It’s the stuff where important things get lost, or paperwork doesn’t get filed, etc.
Here’s the thing – It’s all shades of grey. He’s not a monster. Yesterday, he left work early to get the kids haircuts. I didn’t ask him to do it. He saw a need and he acted. He’s a good father. He’s a fun husband. I’m not going to leave him. But there are systemic issues that wear on working women, and I’m tired. And it all can’t be explained away by “oh you should have married better”. These things run so deep.
anon says
OP, you articulated that 2nd paragraph so well. My husband isn’t a monster, either, and shows plenty of initiative in lots of ways. He takes care of our family in lots of ways that I do not. He misses work for kid stuff at least as much as I do, if not more, honestly. But your example about the swimsuits that is so spot-on. That’s what wears us out.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
+1. THIS. So much of it is society and what we’ve seen modeled.
Most of us do not have much historical modeling to look to in order to figure out the balance. For me, my Mom worked at the family business AND took care of us, the extended family members, our home stuff, etc. My Dad worked long hours being the primary builder of the family business, and missed a lot of things with us. Because this was the model I saw most of my life, I think that DH takes on his fair share more or less. But I read/hear/see other examples here and elsewhere that seem far more or less balanced than my home, but hey, whatever works for you and me!
DH was talking to a buddy who had a father that was a professor that often did his office hours from the home office in order to keep an eye on the kids afterschool. For DH’s buddy, that’s HIS example, and he’s married to a woman with varying work hours, and he is the primary parent. It took no re-examining or re-level-setting for him because that was already his norm growing up.
octagon says
You are so right that it’s shades of gray. My DH thinks he is very progressive — and he is, compared with his small, southern town upbringing. His mother still chastises him for doing the dishes or for preparing a meal. It’s just nowhere near equal. I hope our kid does see that his dad is involved in a lot, and grows up seeing both of us do domestic tasks. It’s just that I end up doing them more frequently.
Also, so many little things (like swimsuits on water day, I feel you!) are just as easy to do yourself instead of reminding.
anon says
Yeah, no homemade Halloween costumes here. This is another version of blaming us–claiming that the problem is that women’s standards are too high or do too much, and if only we would let things slide a bit, everything would be fine. Trust me, my standards couldn’t get much lower. ;)
anon says
I’m getting really sick of the argument that if only women let their standards drop, there wouldn’t be an issue. Come on, that’s BS and you know it.
Anon says
But there’s truth to it! A lot of parenting and general life tasks are more optional than many people here make them seem. Just like outsourcing, it’s not a solution for everyone, nor does it solve the gender imbalance problem, but it is one possible strategy for people who feel overwhelmed by everything on their plate.
So Anon says
Stripping away the “optional” tasks, there is still so much work with having a family that must get done beyond housework: coordinating childcare, managing finances, doctor’s and dentist appointments, keeping the kids clothed in moderately seasonally appropriate gear, new shoes/snow pants/jackets, keeping track of all of the paperwork that comes home from school and must be returned, even one activity requires coordinating transportation, meal planning and making food, etc. And this does not take into account if you have a child with special needs, where the appointments, therapies, school meetings become exponential. Then add in the slew of things that would be great but are not necessarily essential: reading about child development, after school enrichment activities, (paying for, planning, coordinating and attending any performances), and the lists go on… Not doing laundry, buying as much as you can and outsourcing definitely help, but someone still has to keep track and know what to outsource and to whom.
anon says
To those who say they don’t have this problem:
Please, please stop with the helpful suggestions to “write it all down” or “take a weekend away”. Do you honestly think we haven’t tried those things? We have tried them all. We are not passively sitting by.
That so many highly educated, strong willed women have this problem suggests this is a systemic problem. That several of you do not have this problem is wonderful, but does not mean the problem is not real or that it is our fault. You are just lucky. Just as some people are able to “pull themselves up their own bootstraps” through a combination of hard word and luck, but others work incredibly hard and aren’t as lucky.
Anonymous says
I agree with this. Thankfully my husband isn’t like this, but yes I agree it is completely systemic and a huge societal issue. Even raising our sons “better” isn’t going to fix the problem. And yes there are shades of grey and divorce isn’t the answer. I don’t know what it is, but it does suck if you’re killing yourself working and then having to take care of every darn thing at home because your partner isn’t picking up the slack.
GCA says
I’m sorry you are frustrated, and yes, relationships are complicated. You don’t know at 18 or 25 what you’ll necessarily want in an equal partner at 35, after kids,etc. But in addition to offering a listening ear, many posters are trying to offer advice. It makes us feel slightly more useful :) if husbands are self-professed feminists, boil the frog – get them to agree on an ever-more-closely-tied-to-mental load series of feminist concepts or ideas before throwing in ‘well, what balance of load do you want the kids to see us taking on? what do they currently see? do you think this is ok?’
Pogo says
I would agree with this, even though I do not have this problem to the degree many others on this board and in real life have. I believe it is a systemic issue related to gender roles and historical norms.
If OP does want suggestions, I have some, but I also understand the point that it isn’t a woman’s job to “fix” her particular husband or “teach him” to be an equal partner, just like in the office it’s not our job to teach every man we work with that women need to be listened to in meetings and not given admin tasks, etc. It’s not our job, but there are things you can do that might help.
Boston Legal Eagle says
When I wrote my comment, I definitely expected some push-back on acting “smug happy married” or whatever. I get it, I really do. I’m not blaming the women OP was discussing at all. It’s a societal problem for sure (I’m actually reading a book related to this “Forget “Having It All”: How America Messed Up Motherhood–and How to Fix It” right now). I really just wanted to provide my experience to let people know that it is not like this in all marriages, and doesn’t have to be. I am lucky, and so is my husband to have met me. We’re both fortunate to have each other in our lives and we work both hard at our marriage. The best way I can change society right now is to model what I think of as an equal relationship to our kids in our home.
OP says
I think it’s actually pretty helpful to hear women who make it work and don’t have this problem. It gives me hope. I don’t think that’s smug married.
What I dislike (and what you did not do) is the suggestion that this is somehow the wife’s fault because she ignored red flag and chose unwisely.
anon says
This is not a problem in my house, but I’m really surprised by some of the comments suggesting women are either letting this happen or knew what they were marrying into. DH and I are pretty equal, but I think I got lucky and frankly when we got married I would not have expected things to be so equal. I think a number of difficult life circumstances (e.g. kid with special needs) forced him to become an equal parent and constantly working on our communication helps. But I think it’s both work and luck based on what I’ve observed in friends who complain compared with those who don’t. Sorry you’re dealing with this, OP.
OP says
Thank you. I think there’s a huge element of shame in this issue as well. Life is hard enough, and if you bring up this issue, people claim that you’re just caught up in complaining (see: echo chamber) or you just made bad choices in a partner. And so, everything kind of compounds. You’re frustrated, you’re overwhelmed, but you also keep it really quiet for fear of judgement. I appreciate your empathy, and I’m happy that your husband is stepping up.
Anonymous says
I am just starting the parenting journey with my husband (6 mo old baby) and I can see issues popping up already. I am surprised at how much of an outsized role I have had to take in parenting so far because my husband took more than 50% of household tasks before the baby came along. And yet here I am– the only one researching anything to do with the baby’s development, taking care of the baby’s laundry, communicating with the nanny, and so on. I’m definitely going to talk to him about it, but I’m honestly surprised I have to bring it up to him based on how he was as a partner for the last 10 years. So no, it’s not possible to avoid this problem by “marrying well” and yes, I think this runs super deep in our culture/society.
anne-on says
I very clearly remember coming to bed in tears after being unable to get my then 7 week old baby to settle down and my husband asking me ‘what’s wrong? what should I do’ and my LOSING it on him. I clearly remember yelling about how there was no secret ‘how to calm the baby’ manual at the hospital they only give to moms and hide from dads and how I was just as new at this as he was so he could darn well stop treating it like it was MY job to figure out the baby stuff. Things got better after that but man, yes, I really think men DO believe moms have the magic guide book. (I would like to get a copy pls if anyone has one!).
Irish Midori says
Are you me?
anonanon says
i’m there too. it’s a surprise and it makes me mad. i know it’s not a great example for my kids (girls) but it’s better than divorce or constant fighting. i outsource A LOT (i’m in biglaw) and try to look strong and in control when kids are around. really that’s the best i can do at this point.
anonanon says
i will add that while my standards on childcare are higher my standards on the house are much lower. that does not fix the problem, i see it as women blaming to say it’s a standards issue. my dh deeply cares about the house being clean, he just does not like to get it there.
AnotherAnon says
It’s almost like you don’t want to hear a solution to this.
Anonymous says
THIS
OP says
I didn’t ask for solutions. But FWIW “you should have married better” isn’t a solution, so…
Anonymous says
I agree that there are deeply ingrained societal problems and that some of the “you should have married better” advice was smug. But there were a lot of good suggestions on this thread that weren’t marrying better.
OP says
Those are the only comments that I pushed back on. I didn’t scorn any other advice, guys.
GCA says
+1. Victim-blaming isn’t useful, but neither is kneejerk bitterness. FWIW, I think many of the complaints sound justified, but then…what’s next?
AwayEmily says
I think one of the reasons this discussion is so fraught is that there is no single cause of this pervasive inequality, and therefore no single solution. It exists in all different types of couples, for all different types of reasons. And so what works for one couple (writing everything down, or delegating, or whatever) might not work for another couple. And yet people try to generalize from their own experience, because that’s all we have to draw on.
So, OP, I totally understand why it’s frustrating to hear “oh, just try X!” when you’ve tried X, or you know your dynamic well enough to know that X would not work. I do think that people’s intentions are good in offering this advice, and maybe even if it doesn’t work for you right now, it will in the future, or is something you can pass on to your friends.
But I do think a first step is to investigate the reasons WHY this dynamic exists — not in society in general but in your particular relationship — and that might help point you in the right direction in terms of figuring out a solution. Good luck — this sounds really frustrating.
AwayEmily says
Ugh, I just reread this and I feel like I sound super patronizing so I’m sorry if it came across like that to you. Bottom line: it sucks. I empathize. I hope you figure out something out.
Anothertwinmom says
There’s been a lot said, but the one thing I’ll add, for those who think its a problem of who you married, is that the structure of maternity leave and, often, little to no paternity leave in our society sets women up to take on the majority of childcare tasks. Women take maternity leave and establish themselves as primary caregiver. It is so hard to equalize once you’ve set up that precedent.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes, this is a very good point. Having dads and other non-birth caregivers take leave separate from birth mom is so important and goes a long way to a more equal parenting dynamic. There is no manual, just a lot of hands-on experience where you have to figure things out on your own. I’m also going to encourage my sons to babysit as well, as I think that is the first experience that a lot of women get in taking care of children, and then it sort of defaults to them knowing more.
Anon says
I am 8 weeks pregnant with my first and very excited that this is happening after a long time of TTC! I haven’t told many people in real life of course. I’m still in the middle of fighting morning sickness and exhaustion at work but would love to start planning and doing things to prepare for the future. What are some things that I should get started on? Do you have a timeline for when you did what (eg registry, name, nursery, etc)?
Anonymouse says
Congratulations! I would start with thinking about childcare options – if you go the daycare route, many may have LONG waitlists. Also if you haven’t already , research OBs including which hospitals they deliver at if that matters to you, and if you are considering midwife / doula.
anon says
Daycare, plus look into aftercare for elementary school.
In my town, spots for aftercare are severely limited. Getting on the waitlist as a newborn or toddler would put you first on the list.
Anon says
Wait people get on the list for kindergarten aftercare while they’re pregnant!?! That’s bananas! My area has 2 year daycare waitlists, but I’ve never heard of getting on an elementary aftercare list before the baby is born.
anon says
Not while pregnant in my area, but getting on the waitlist while a baby or toddler pretty much ensures your kid will be #1 on the waitlist for aftercare. Which, at my kid’s school is key because they only take a handful of kinders who don’t have special priority for aftercare. The special priority system is a weird mix of legit (like social services referrals) and not so great reasons to jump to the top of the list. We’re neither so unlucky or lucky as to get special priority.
Recommend looking into kinder aftercare while pregnant because who has time with a baby/toddler?
rosie says
Congratulations! I basically took things very much as I felt ready and comfortable (I also had a longer TTC journey). We set up the nursery, although fairly basic, in the third tri. One thing I can suggest is starting a private registry on Amazon (or wherever, I ams sure other places have a “private” option) to keep track of things you might want. We did not have a shower or anything, but we eventually shared the registry if people asked and then used a completion discount to buy things ourselves.
Did serious carseat research around 30 weeks and kept an eye out for a good deal on the one we chose (ended up buying from Albee baby, used consumer reports and baby gear lab for research). Name we started mulling probably from when we got the NIPT results at the end of the first tri & found out the sex.
I think right now the most important thing is finding a provider you like, if you haven’t already. And it might be worth thinking about whether you might want a doula and trying to meet people in your second tri. Although we ended up with a great doula, there were some who were not available on the timeline we needed when we were looking a little later in the pregnancy.
rosie says
Oh, one thing I forgot to add. Cord blood banking. If you think you might want to donate cord blood, you need to have everything in place relatively early (maybe 32 or 34 weeks?). You can talk to your provider about it, but just a heads up that it’s a hard deadline if you want to sign up.
anon says
Depends on the hospital and timing. The teaching hospital I delivered at could arrange for cord blood donation while I was in labor with my first (long labor). Couldn’t arrange it while I was in labor with my second, though (fast labor).
Anonymous says
Are you talking about donation or private banking? Private banking has to be arranged in advance. Donation (public banking) is usually an option when you’re in labor. It’s part of the standard check-in paperwork at the hospital where I delivered.
NYCer says
Even private banking can be arranged very, very close to delivery. I think I actually got my act together with respect to this about a week before my baby was born. That being said, I don’t recommend waiting quite that late!
rosie says
I delivered a few years ago in a major metropolitan area (although not a teaching hospital). We were able to decide on private banking late in the game, but we missed the cutoff to donate (I think it would have been through Be the Match). I did not really understand why they wouldn’t allow someone to sign up later (say 36w instead of 34w), but that’s what it was.
Quail says
Congratulations!!! Very exciting!
The first thing I always recommend is to think about childcare. In some places, you need to get on a waitlist ASAP, often for multiple places. Second, if you want to have a doula for labor support, sometimes they can get booked up for your due date as well, so look into that. Those are the most time-sensitive things, in my opinion. Oh, and register for a hospital tour if appropriate – we put that off and ended up only being able to get in one a little too close to my due date for comfort as they book up fast where we live.
I would only register when you are ready to tell the world – it’s too easy to discover via the internets. Start thinking about names, but that can wait even until a little after the baby’s born. But that’s a decision we had to sit with for a while so it was good we starting thinking early. Same with the nursery – it’s fun, but our nursery didn’t get used that much until 6 months (except for the changing table) and you have lots of time to figure that out. I’d start that around the end of your second trimester. Do start asking friends and family (if they are at this stage of life) if they have baby stuff they want to get rid of before you buy stuff. Read books about birth – but also about newborn care, and how having a kid will affect your marriage (recommend the Gottman book on this).
And then – go to the movies! Take last minute trips! You’ll feel better soon (fingers crossed) and it’s fun to mark this time in your life with some activities you enjoy that soon will become more logistically difficult.
Sarah says
Congrats!! If you are someone who enjoys reading, I would go to the library and get books about pregnancy and parenting. It’s exciting to get more info and feel more prepared about what to expect :)
Knope says
Congrats! Here is what I’d do in order:
1. Think about what kind of provider you want for prenatal care and delivery (e.g., OB vs. midwife), and find that provider, to the extent you haven’t already.
2. Work your plans for parental leave and childcare.
3. Talk/continue to talk with your partner about your philosophies as parents – things like religion, schooling, involvement of grandparents/other family.
4. We did our registry towards the middle/end of my second trimester – no need to rush to do that before you’ve even started telling most people!
5. I think it’s definitely helpful to pick names BEFORE delivery – to me, the thought of trying to pick a name after the exhaustion of giving birth seemed too overwhelming. But this is also a second trimester activity – no need to rush to do this now!
shortperson says
if you have a time you want to spend on preparing, i recommend buying a manual camera, learning how to use it (click and co classes), and setting up a plan for organizing the gazillion photos you are about to have. i.e. cloud backup, syncing w your computer, etc.
Anonymous says
Go sign up for daycare right now, if you’re planning on going that route. Otherwise you have tons of time for everything else. I maybe started at 6 months?
So Anon says
Prompted by the discussion above: Talk with your partner – really talk – about how you will divide all of the tasks that come with having a child. I would advise against thinking that you can just figure it out as it comes. I wish that I had talked about all of the nitty gritty and how we would approach the conversations when the time arose.
Anon says
As a counterpoint, I found having these conversations was impossible before kids. As first-time parents who had basically no experience with babies, DH and I were clueless about what was coming. Talking in very broad strokes – we’re going to split things 50/50, we’re going to avoid traditional “mom” and “dad” roles, if one person has to be more hands on with the baby (eg, if mom is nursing), the other one will pick up the slack by running the household – but I think trying to talk through the nitty gritty in advance will be useless for most people. It might be a more helpful discussion before adding a second child, because then you know what to expect and can actually discuss specifics.
So Anon says
Fair point. Perhaps work on communication skills in general; I would do whatever you can to strengthen your relationship going in.
Pogo says
Yes and no. I do remember during 2nd or 3rd tri we made the pick-up/drop-off delegation (he does drop off, I do pick up). That’s actually been HUGE for us in terms of balance, and if you can make that decision early based on childcare options, wfh options, and commute, I think it is helpful so everyone knows going in.
We also discussed the structure of our collective paternity leaves – when we were taking what (for me: STD, unpaid FMLA, paid paternity, paid vacation; for DH: paid paternity, vacation, wfh/flex time). We definitely had a very solid plan, week by week, of what was going on as far as childcare for the first 5 months before daycare spot opened up, taking into account any work travel or evening events one or both of us might have already lined up. We’re more fast and loose now (lol) but I was very glad we had everything on our calendars so there was no scrambling in those early days.
But the nitty gritty of how you both get ready in the morning with a tiny human, or cook dinner during baby’s witching hour… that was hard to define before we were both staring it straight in the face.
Anonymous says
Any suggestions for a place we can go to get professional pictures taken to mark a milestone (like baby turning 1)? We had a professional newborn shoot where the photographer came to our house, but it cost like $700 and only included rights to 25 pictures. I’m thinking more like the “Sears” type experience where you go to a studio — looking to spend no more than $200. Does such a thing exist, specifically in the Philly area? If it does exist, are the pictures guaranteed to be super cheesy and posed? TIA!
Mrs. Jones says
We’ve been to JC Penney for photos twice a year since son was born . They have turned out well and not super cheesy. and it is CHEAP.
Anon says
This. The “pass” to waive a $10 per person sitting fee is something like $30 for two years, and I can usually find coupons for the digital rights to our pictures for under $100, and then I use the ‘zon to print them. We used them for 3, 6, 9, 12 and 18 month pictures and will again for 2 year.
Pogo says
+1 yep. I feel slightly bad not patronizing the indie local photogs, but it is like 1/5 the price and the photos are great.
Anon says
Search Instagram for photographers in your area and look for someone who is starting out and building their business. We are in a slightly cheaper city than Philly, but I found a wonderful photographer who was just starting out who gave us a session + 50 edited digital images for about $200. I’ve paid over $500 for fewer photos from people who are way less talented, but they’d been around a lot longer and charge a lot more. Also a lot of more established photographers do mini sessions where you get a short session and ~10 edited images for about $200. That can be a good option if you just want a few images.
anon says
YES, Ivory Tree Portraits in Wayne – not cheesy at all, and really lovely work. ivory tree portraits dot com with no spaces. I want to say we paid $150 for a family session with a newborn.
Philly Anon says
I think you could find someone that could come to you (or another favorite, maybe outdoor, space) in that price range! I’m in Philly and I just checked our newborn photographer’s rates for a family-type and they were on par. She was awesome, btw. https://rachelroshani.com/
Anonymous says
thanks all!
shortperson says
you can hire a flytographer person in your area for $250 for a half hour shoot. there’s also a chain called “picture people” not sure if it’s there.
Anon says
Friends had a really bad experience with Flytographer. I think they get really amateur photographers who aren’t worth what you pay for them (which is inflated, because Flytographer takes a cut). I’m sure you can find someone decent for under $200.
EB says
Some photographers do something called a “mini session” where they set up props and through the course of the day, have people cycle in for 30 minute sessions. They usually coincide with a holiday, but not necessarily. Maybe try searching for that in your area.
Anon says
I know this has been discussed here before, but would love some fresh thoughts. DH is working insane hours (BigLaw) these days, including some upcoming work travel. I’m balancing work where it feels like death-by-a-thousand-cuts at work and toddler kiddo.
I’m managing to exercise (yay!), and do things to take care of myself, and don’t feel particularly stressed, just a bit tired…but I really miss DH’s companionship, and um…gardening. What do those of you similarly situated do in these times?
anon for this says
a few things:
1) suck it up one night a week and stay up late (least favorite)
2) weekend naptime
3) weekend night when don’t have to work, go to bed early (my favorite – we will fix ourselves a drink and use the hot tub at like 8:30pm and then head up stairs after)
Anon says
Filling out daycare applications and some of them ask what we hope to get out of the program or a similar question. Is “I want my daughter to make friends and learn new skills” enough of an answer? Anything else I should be saying?
octagon says
Pretty sure I answered “reliable child care, socialization would be a great bonus.”
blueberries says
I didn’t know it until my kid was in daycare, but a huge perk is that I learn so much from the educators. I mostly learn by observing, but they’re also great with specific issues.
EB says
Pretty sure mine was “keep my kid alive”. Your answer sounds great.
Recs for Underwear says
What are your recommendations for underwear during pregnancy? Not specific maternity underwear. Simply something comfy and stretchy to go under the bump (low-rise but full coverage of the bum); hoping for something inexpensive to buy in bulk.
For my first pregnancy 4 years ago, I bought a Costco six pack of modal low rise bikinis in the next size up based on recs from here. Loved them! Sadly, the style/six pack is no longer offered.
Anon says
Amaz*n Essentials Women’s Cotton Stretch Bikini Panty – so cheap and comfy.
Anonymous says
Target 5 for 20.
Anon says
I liked the Gap Body bikini, and still wear them 2 years later.
Anonymous says
I never found anything that covered my bum in pregnancy. I wore Pink low rise thongs with the lace waistband nearly everyday in a size or two up. I think one size up and then stretched them out a bunch. I also had some giant, ghastly Fruit of the Loom cheapo hipsters for sleeping. They were awesome after my c-section, too.
Anonymous says
I’m curious whether anyone weighed the disabilities of a current child when considering whether to have more. My husband and I are casually talking about whether to have more kids– I really want more, he does not but doesn’t feel as strongly as me, and we’re trying to solidify some pros and cons while acknowledging that it will always be an emotional decision.
We have a son and a daughter and our son is autistic. He’s three, so we don’t have a good handle yet on how this will affect his life, our daughter’s life, and our lives. He is verbal and functions fairly well right now; he gets 25 hours of therapy per week and is a 1 out of 3 on the severity scale. We obviously have no idea how self-sufficient he’ll be as an adult, although signs are good.
I’m concerned about the possibility of his sister bearing the brunt of any possible caregiving he might need when he’s older all by herself. Plus, I just… love my kids! And would love more of them! My husband is more concerned that another child would take away from attention/money we could spend on him now, and also worried that we’ll have another special needs kiddo (FWIW no one else in either of our large families is on the spectrum or has any other genetic condition, but clearly it’s always a possibility with anyone’s pregnancy). Both our feelings on this are valid and we’re nice to each other and we don’t have to decide right away, since either way we’re definitely waiting until kindergarten to have any more. But I’d be interested in hearing other people’s reasoning and perspectives!
Anon says
Once you have one autistic child, you’re WAY more likely to have another. I think it increases the odds by a factor of something like 15. Personally I would not have a third child because I would be worried the third child would have more serious autism and would be a burden to his/her sister (and possibly brother, depending on how your son is functioning as an adult).
anon says
As with anything else, this is so personal and nuanced. I have a kiddo with moderate-to-severe ADHD. To say that it affects our family life is an understatement. Even though he is five years older than his sister, he still requires much more intensive, hands-on parenting than she does. Sometimes I feel like she gets the quality time with us, and he gets lots of coaching. For a child his age, his daily parenting needs are intense, plus there are the therapy appointments and additional school meetings he sometimes requires. He is intelligent, so I believe he’s going to be fine in the long run, but parenting him is just hard and takes a ton of patience and emotional energy. In our scenario, I cannot imagine adding a third child. It would be detrimental to my own mental health and wouldn’t be great for our marriage. (Something as simple as finding a babysitter can be complicated with special needs kids.) I know my limits and while it makes me sad to stop at 2 kids, I’d prefer to keep a firm grip on reality rather than optimistically telling myself it’ll all work out okay, when all the signs point to it not being a great choice for who we are as parents and as a family.
Anonymous says
I wouldn’t. I’d think you need to be focusing starting now on making sure that his sister doesn’t face a crippling financial burden, and the cost of a third child would eat into that. Of course you’d love another kid but that’s a really facile thing to make this decision based on.
AnotherAnon says
This is an odd answer but I’m kind of on the flip side of your situation: We’re a foster home that takes emergency placements, so I have no idea what the kids who come in could be dealing with (we’re basically given their age and a guess at ethnicity). I also have an adopted son. My take is that I have to consider my kid first: could this be a good fit for us/him given what little we know? That being said, we will take in more foster kids eventually because, for us, the opportunity to make an impact in a kid’s life is so much greater than the risk of parenting a kid with trauma. We took a risk even accepting our (now) son as a placement because we had no idea if he’d be going back to his mom, or if he would have developmental delays, or if family would step up and parent him…the list goes on. But I would absolutely do it all over again, even if he did end up going back, because those first few weeks with him were precious. I think this board leans risk-averse which I totally get! Many moms here are dealing with severe diagnoses and their opinions should probably carry more weight than mine. I’ve just had so much upheaval in my life that I feel like we don’t have control over much, even some of the stuff we think we do, so taking a risk like this is worth it to me. Obviously your situation is different but that’s just my two cents.
Pogo says
I have a unique perspective in that I am the sibling of a special needs child (brother had a rare and fatal genetic condition). I would have unequivocally wanted a sibling if my parents had been able to have another (my mom had complications after my birth and she couldn’t have other children). It was very lonely as an adult dealing with possible care of my adult brother (prior to his death) when my parents ALSO started needing care due to old age. Plus as a kid, it was lonely too! My brother didn’t play with me like other children did, especially once I passed him developmentally. Eventually his care became so intensive that he did not live with us full-time, so I was essentially an only child.
However, when my brother was living with us and he required so much care, I’m not sure it would have been possible for my mom to have a another child without paid help. She was essentially his full-time caregiver, and she couldn’t return to work until he was no longer living with us.
You never know what’s going to happen in life – as AnotherAnon at 1:26 points out with the uncertainty in her son’s situation – so I can absolutely see it going either way. But I just wanted to share my perspective growing up with a special needs sibling and no other siblings (and no other family nearby).
Anonymous says
We have not because my husband is 42. We currently have three kids. I’d love to have a fourth but DH is a hard no on that. Older parents are more likely to have children with ASD. ASD and ADHD both run in my mom’s side of the family and none of our kids have those issues (other medical challenges, but not those). Our life is currently quite busy and DH’s reasoning is that while we might have an ability to handle a 4th child, we would be pushed to burnout with a special needs child.
It’s really hard decision. As autism is increasingly common, there are support groups for caregivers so wanting your daughter to have a supportive sibiling wouldn’t be reason enough especially because there is a not zero risk that she could end up with two autistic siblings. It sounds like your son may be relatively high functioning. I have one cousin who is able to hold a low skill job and live on his own with frequent meals with family as his cooking skills are poor, but his parents (and in the future, his sister) are on his bank accounts to help manage his finances and more complicated life skills (medical appointments etc). My other cousin with autism is much more severely affected and cannot live independently outside of a group home setting. Managing his care will be a significant burden for his sibling when his parents pass.
Personally, in your shoes, I would not take the risk of another autistic child as it is entirely possible that they would not be as high functioning as your current child.
Anonymous says
Adding that foster parenting might be a really good option for you. You love kids and sometimes foster arrangements turn to adoption but at least you would likely be able to know the child’s issues and make a decision on if your family can accommodate them, especially with an older child.
Irish Midori says
Not the same, but I have really enjoyed following https://www.deannajsmith.com/ for her story of having a child with Down’s. She just had her 5th kid, and hasn’t looked back. She’s really open, even raw sometimes, and she’s changed my perspective on special needs parenting.
Anon says
Would you stay in a hotel room with a private, ungated pool with your toddler? DH and I are looking at a resort for an upcoming trip with private pools in all the villa. There is a door between the room and the pool that locks. She still sleeps in a PNP and DH says we’ll just watch her carefully when she’s awake. And I get that there are two of us and one of her, so it will be easy to always have someone with her, even if one of us needs to use the bathroom or check our email or whatever. But it still makes me a little nervous. Curious what people here think about it.
AwayEmily says
I wouldn’t, because I would end up being stressed and nervous the whole vacation, and vacations are supposed to be relaxing.
CCLA says
Same. I wouldn’t be able to relax at all.
Wow says
I definitely would not be comfortable with easy access to an ungated pool.
Anonymous says
No. “Constant vigilance “ is not the emotional state I’m going for on vacation.
Anonymous says
Isn’t ‘constant vigilance” sort of the default state when traveling (or living) with toddlers? I assume she’s talking about a 1 or 2 year old, not a kid who is 4 or 5.
anne-on says
+1. We just did this with my 7 year old over spring break and I was STILL nervous about it. No way I would have attempted it if he was smaller and we didn’t trust that he’d be careful/cautious around the water. The number of times we still had to remind him not to run around the pool though was high, ugh.
HSAL says
It would make me a tiny bit nervous, but I would still do it. I’m assuming that this is a location where you’d be near the water at some point anyway, so this seems much easier and less stressful overall. I would just make sure to keep the door locked at all times unless we were actively out there. This also depends on how adventurous your child normally is – if she can open doors already, or if you’d spend half the time dragging her away from the water, not worth it.
Anonymous says
+1 to this. I think this would be actually be easier with a toddler than an older kid who can open doors better.
Anon says
Thanks, yes this is where we’re currently leaning, but I just wanted a gut check. I’m sure she won’t be able to open the door and we would keep it locked whenever we’re not playing in the pool. I feel like we already have to watch her nearly constantly when we travel (hotel rooms aren’t baby-proofed, etc) so I’m not so worried about the relaxation element. Pool or no pool, we would never be able to sit down with a book and just let her run around.
I think she may get really mad when she sees the pool and can’t go in it, but that’s a separate issue :)
Anonymous says
It’s a separate issue as you note but having spent a vacation with a toddler begging to go to a pool that they could see from the window, I wouldn’t do it for that reason alone. When you’re not in the pool, she’ll be fussing to go in it.
Anonymous says
Curious as to why you are sure that she won’t be able to open the door? I didn’t think my 4 year old could open the deadbolt on the front door until one day he did. You can lock the door, but unless she’s under like 18 months or the lock is like 5 ft off the floor, I would be cautious about relying on the door being unopenable.
Anon says
+1
Anon says
She’s 17 months and small for her age.
anon says
We stayed at a house once with an ungated pool (not my choice). It was fine for my 3 y/o and 5 y/o, but they are very obedient. In particular, my 3 y/o was terrified of water (among other things), so I wasn’t very worried about it. But I totally think it depends on the kid.
Anonymous says
I’m someone who is super nervous about drowning but I’d actually probably be ok with this. DD can’t open a lock on a sliding glass door though. For us the problem would be that my 2 year old is a water rat and would have trouble with being able to see the pool but not be in it 24hrs/day. So there would be a lot of tantrums. It’s easier for us if we can do “say bye to the pool, we’ll be back later”.
Anon says
I would if I could bring something to make it more secure. I assume you aren’t worried about outside family time around the pool but more about kiddo slipping out of the villa to the pool. If the door is a sliding door you can get a security thing you put in the slide that makes it impossible to open.
I don’t like promoting MLMs but there is a group called Damsel’s in Defense that sells a bunch of hotel security products. I learned of them because a friend has severe anxiety and travels for work and can only sleep if she can secure her hotel to her standards. You can buy door alarms and locks that you can bring with you. You can probably check them out on their website and then by them from a non-MLM site once you know what you are looking for.
I think you’d be able to relax inside once you have the doors secured and alarmed but you know yourself better than me!
Anon says
Might be too late in the day – but has anyone done ISR swim lessons with their infant or toddler? Is it worth it?
Anonymous says
I’m not trying to restart the debate about husbands who don’t do enough but I just want to share a relevant anecdote from my own day:
My husband and I had a meeting at our daughter’s new daycare today. DH is home with our toddler while we don’t have childcare. They arrived to the meeting before I did, but the meeting couldn’t start because my husband didn’t know the name of our daughter’s daycare teacher or room. Beforehand, he also asked me for the address and how to get to the school, even though he’s been there as much as I have and has access to internet search engines. I can see myself venting about this to friends, and I’m sure if I posted this anecdote here without other details people would be like “your husband is a growna$$ man, how can he be so incompetent?” But when I stop to think about this, his ability (and effort, lets be real) to remember details like this are not the sum total of his value as a husband and father. He’s taking weeks of vacation to be at home with our daughter while we don’t have childcare. He cooks our family diner almost every night. When our teething toddler gets up in the middle of the night, we both get up and deal with her together.
I think my marriage is probably more egalitarian than most, and I hope this doesn’t sound smug, because it’s not intended that way. But I think it’s so easy sometimes to focus only on all the things your spouse does wrong and not all on the things they do right. I’m not being preachy – this is something I’m as guilty of as anyone. But I think it’s something to keep in mind when we have conversations about the division of labor, and what our spouses should be doing.