This post may contain affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Here’s a fun question for you: How often do you go out by yourself and “ditch the family,” whether to have a girls’ night out with friends, time to pursue a hobby, or in general schedule time to yourself? How often does your partner?
Do you and your partner have unwritten rules (no more than once a week! not on ___ days! we trade “nights out”)? Do you go out with girlfriends from before you had kids, other moms, or just (gasp) go out by yourself for some “me time“?
(Psst: we’ve also talked about other self-care ideas for working moms, as well as held a “fantasy open thread” with a free weekend for mommy…)
For my $.02, my answer to this is in the midst of changing. For the first several years I was a mom I felt downright guilty to go out by myself or with girlfriends — it felt like business-related outings were one thing, while a date night (or a couples’ date night, where we go out with another couple) was another thing. But just to ditch the family and go out with girlfriends or for my own interests during what should be “family time” (nights and weekends) has always felt… very indulgent.
As I get further into my motherhood journey — and as my friends do! — we all seem to be coming around to the idea that it’s ok to ditch the family sometimes, and I’d say what had been a “once a quarter” sort of outing for me is now more regular, sometimes even 2-3 times a month. I almost never take time for myself to just go shopping or see a movie, though.
Readers, how about you? How often do you get a night out with girlfriends or other moms? How often do you go out by yourself? Do you line up childcare to cover for your absence during these nights, or do you leave it to your partner to figure out?
Stock photo via Stencil.
Mrs. Jones says
I go out with friends about twice a month. My husband goes out less often, mostly because he just doesn’t remember to schedule outings with friends. We don’t have any rules on time away from family but of course run it by each other.
anon in brooklyn says
For the first year and a half of my kid’s life, I felt like if I hadn’t made plans with a friend, I couldn’t take any time off. But I’m an introvert, and socializing isn’t restorative for me. So now my husband and I each get a weeknight off—the other parent does daycare pickup, dinner, and bedtime. If I have plans with a friend, I do that, but if not, I go to the gym and then sit at the bar at a neighborhood restaurant with a book. It’s important for me that it’s automatic, each week, and not like I’m asking my husband to cover for me each individual time.
ITLady says
I love the addition of a set out time that your SO does the ENTIRE night. The idea of having the evening to myself is really appealing!
shortperson says
i work in my office past rush hour twice a week. if i need to i work late and order a good billable dinner. 1-2 times per month i meet friends for dinner. other nights i do restorative yoga, catch up at sephora, etc. it’s necessary time for me, both when i need to get through stuff at work and when i need to do yoga. my dh takes the kids one of these nights and on the other night we have a sitter while he goes to the gym.
lonely but never alone says
When I had a babysitter or daycare had “date night” but my husband was out of town or otherwise unavailable, it took me the longest time to actually use that time for myself, and not to catch up on work or errands. I still feel guilty for asking my husband for a night off, since we relocated last year, I don’t have many friends here. So if I’m lucky I get out once every two months or so, and even then, it’s rarely with friends, it’s usually a professional networking thing. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to make friends in a new city?
anon in brooklyn’s system sounds like something that would work for me – when I had “date night” alone, I would often just sit at a bar and catch up on reading. But I hate thinking of gym time as “me” time, since my health should benefit the whole family.
Anonymous says
My good friends all live out of town, so I only get to go out with them when I happen to be in their vicinity on business travel. Which does not happen very often.
ITLady says
Basically as soon as I went back to work I’d take nights off for my pre-baby extracurriculars (women in tech networking, sorority and university alumni events, cycling, advising at my sorority, etc.). Most of my girlfriends were happy to hang out with me and kiddo though, so I never felt a strong want to go do things solo with them. If something came up that I wanted to do though that I couldn’t take DD to, hubby has always been happy to watch her.
Hubby and I also trade off most nights on who watches her in general and strive for a balance. So I generally get 3-4 nights a week (or part of the night) where I’m free to do whatever all evening around the house as long as I help with bedtime. (He doesn’t have the patience to brush teeth but otherwise does the rest) That requirement is out if I’ve coordinated something outside the house though and clearly communicated that ahead of time.
I’m extremely lucky in that DH is a huge introvert and never really cares to go out himself, so as long as he is getting enough time on his computer to play video games or tinker on projects, he’s happy to watch her whenever I want to go out.
Rainbow Hair says
Every other Thursday I get together for drinks with a club I help lead. It’s nice to have it calendared.
Anonymous says
Almost never, especially this time of year (in the Midwest where leaving my house is just awful). We moved about two years ago, and making friends here hasn’t been easy. So I rarely go out with friends. In the summer, I’ll go out on my own more. A shopping trip or trip to the pool. Long run or race. It happens more naturally because more of my hobbies happen in the summer. And hubby golfs once a week when it is nice, so then he feels the need to make me take a few hours off so he doesn’t feel guilty or something.
Anonymous says
Does anyone have experience with a stay-at-home spouse? Since he is “on” with kiddo all day, I end up taking over when I get home and he needs a break. I travel or have evening meetings 2-3 nights per month, but it seems difficult to schedule even more days when he has to take care of everything.
Anonymous says
1. I have no experience and therefore no actual credibility to comment. 2. My friends who are SAHMs, their husbands have no problem having hobbies and going out with their friends quite regularly. I don’t think this is something men think about. Not that that makes it right, but just an observation.
Anon says
I have a stay at home spouse. I also work 50-80 hour weeks (deal work is highly variable, it wasn’t a typo). I share your perspective and as a result it’s usually 1) weekends where I go out on my own (so that it is a day where I can pick up most of the child care before I disappear) and 2) pretty infrequent (maybe once a quarter, always scheduled well in advance). I’m an introvert, so it’s not my thing to go out regularly either. What is more helpful for me and our situation is to grab lunch or dinner or have a playdate with my friends who have kids on weekends (not during cold and flu season) and so it’s an outing for kiddo, gives DH a break and time to himself to either stay home or go out, social time for me and time together for me and kiddo (even if not 1 on 1).
Anonymous says
With the caveat that we have a great sleeper, hubby and I often schedule as much of our ‘me time’ away for when kiddo is either napping or in bed as we can. So, maybe I’ll leave to go shopping on Saturday when kiddo starts her nap, which will likely last at least 2 hours. Or if hubby goes out for drinks with his friends, they’ll often meet up around 8 after kiddo is asleep. That has worked well for us.
Another Anon says
No SAH spouse here, but a few questions
Are you the one who feels bad scheduleing other things, or is your spouse pushing back? If it’s you feeling bad, w/o him saying anything, then I’d just do it — both of us (husband and I) have a hard time claiming non-work ‘me time’ if we’ve been traveling/working late frequently, even if the other person wouldn’t mind.
If it’s him — well, that’s a trickier conversation, but if he’s getting out of the house/’me time’, you should to. If he’s not, he should probably start taking some.
Could you get a babysitter one night a week? or once every other week? That way both of you can get time off, either together or separately.
Anonymous says
OP of SAHD question here. Thanks for the tips!
JDMom says
I am in this situation and I don’t feel quite bad. I go out to networking happy hours or dinner with a friend or a beauty appointment (hair, massage, etc.) a few times a month and he has to do the extended watch. He hasn’t complained (much other than being tired but aren’t we all?) and knows it’s important to me and my career. On the flip side, he sometimes leaves on the weekends to visit his dad in another state or to visit his mom in another town and see his old friends there while at it so I get the whole weekend with our LO. It evens out and no one feels bad about either scenario. My FAVORITE thing to do though is to take a day off from work and stack all my me-time fun-time into that day, e.g. yoga, massage, nails, shopping, movie, etc. and come home as if it was a regular workday. No extra duty for hubbie and a full day of restoration for me. I am thinking of doing this monthly, since we have good PTO time and I haven’t been taking vacation time otherwise. :)
anony says
A friend comes over once a week after work, and we go for a walk together with my little one. Every other week I also go to a MOPS group, which is a nice way to befriend other women who are super nice.
Anonymous says
Is this MOPS group that accommodates working moms? My area (entire state?) definitely doesn’t have those.
Anonymous says
A group of working moms and I take a private group boot camp class every Wednesday at 8:15 pm I love it so much. I can get the kids to bed before I head out and it’s social and workout time combined. Wednesday is a great day as I’m burnt out from the week but really look forward to this. I’d be tempted to blow off my own workout, but knowing I will see my friends is a huge motivator. There are a core 5-6 of us who have been doing it for 2 years but other people come in out for various 6 week sessions.