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Oooh, pretty. As I mentioned in our recent roundup of stylish comfort heels, this $98 pump has been hugely popular for YEARS — but I’ve never seen it come in as many colors as it does right now. You can still get the basic black and tan — but now it also comes in this stylin’ gray herringbone, or (be still my beating heart) a purple suede. The shoe is $98 at Nordstrom; Amazon has a few colors as low as $58. Corso Como Del Pump Psst: happy Labor Day! We hope everyone’s off to enjoy a nice long weekend with your families — we’ll resume our regular posting schedule on Tuesday. (L-all)Sales of note for 5.5.24
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
M says
WSJ has an article “A Top Investment Banker Actually Took All His Paternity Leave for Once” about and I Banker taking 6 weeks pat leave for his twins – 2 weeks at their birth and 4 weeks later in their first year after transferring to Hong Kong. He says he wants to be public about it to normalize it. However, the four weeks was taken at a villa in Bali! I know some people who have been able to travel during parental leave, and that’s fine, but by this being part of the WSJ story, it does more damage as it perpetuates the idea of parental leave as vacation. He also said he checked email daily, took a short business trip and several conference calls.
Lurker says
That’s infuriating.
Anonymous says
I had a baby recently (my second) and am currently nursing and have zero interest in kissing much less gardening parties with my husband. I think he has forgotten what this was like with number one and is taking it a little personally even though he realizes he shouldnt. Besides long threads on sites like this one, is there an article anyone knows of that I can send him to explain that I really just dont want to be touched right now – thats all that I do all day – and its completely normal?
Closet Redux says
This is a few years old now, but very relevant. Plus, I find my husband is much more interested in articles from news sources like the New York Times than in blog posts on cafe mom.
Sex and Intimacy After the Baby Arrives
By CATHERINE SAINT LOUIS DECEMBER 16, 2013
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/12/16/restarting-desire-afterward/?_r=0
RDC says
I don’t have any sources to share, but just wanted to say I felt the same the whole time I was nursing.
me too says
Me too. Unfortunately, I am still nursing at 14m due to a lack of willpower to wean a baby (toddler?) still very, very interested in nursing. Between that and working long hours, I have zero time to myself and zero interest in the husband.
PhilanthropyGirl says
Let me add to this that even after weaning I needed some time. Postpartum and post-weaning hormone changes can cause low libido. Helping DH understand the physical/medical side of thing in addition to the “please for just 30 seconds can no one touch me” was a positive thing in how he approached and interacted with me. 24 months postpartum and I’ve finally turned the corner. And there was much rejoicing.
SoCalAtty says
Me too, still nursing, 12 months, I want nothing to do with any of it!
Anons says
Not an article, but I thought the Longest Shortest Time podcast series on parents and s*x (I think 2 or 3 episodes) were really good. So if he likes podcasts, that could be good for his commute, or you could listen together if there is ever time to so.
Anger says
My mom was a very angry, authoritarian mother. There was a lot of yelling, a lot of unpredictable angry outbursts, harsh punishments, and spankings that went on way past the point of what was reasonable. My sister and I both vowed not to parent like that.
My sister is now a SAHM with an 18 month old and a 4 year old, and last night she told me a story about something she did. Her 4 year old was playing with a straw in her mug of juice. My sister kept telling her not to play with the straw because she was going to spill her juice. My niece kept on messing with the straw anyway and ended up spilling her juice all over the table. My sister got really angry, took away the straw and the cup, dumped out the juice, told my niece that she didn’t get her cup anymore because she didn’t listen, and then threw the mug into the sink hard enough to break it.
We both find ourselves boiling over with anger at our children from time to time, but neither of us would ever hit or spank them. I think I have it easier because I have a job and an only child, so there is not as much intense one on one parenting, and when there is, it’s only with one kid.
I have a few questions– how normal is losing your temper with your kids? Sometimes I think we have impossible standards for ourselves (always be perfectly calm and unflappable!), and sometimes I don’t know if there is something wrong with me or her. If you had done something like what my sister did, breaking something that belongs to your child in a fit of anger, how would you handle it? My sister apologized in the moment and is really upset with herself, but doesn’t know what she needs to do next. Does she need to take my niece shopping for a new mug? Should a mug randomly appear? Are there any useful books dealing with parental anger? Any thoughts or suggestions would be really appreciated.
Mrs. Jones says
I lose my temper with my son sometimes. I apologize and say I shouldn’t act like that when I get upset. There are tons of books on this subject, although of course right now I can’t think of any off the top of my head.
MDMom says
I think it’s pretty normal. Kids have a way of getting under your skin sometimes, and people have different temperaments and abilities to deal with it. My parents are extremely laid back generally but I remember even them getting angry to the point of yelling, slamming cabinets, etc. Not often, but it happened. The worst being when I was a teenager and called my mom a b-tch and she slapped me across the face. Obviously different age group, but still- not ideal response, sure, but I’m fine, we’re fine, and I consider her to have been a wonderful mom.
I think it would be fine to buy the kid a new mug and give it to her and apologize again for the first incident. I don’t think there needs to be a whole production out of it.
As for resources, in my area, there are programs that offer parenting education and some of those include classes specifically on anger management/discipline. It may be useful. But this is very location specific so hard to give concrete recs. In DC area, one that comes to mind is Parents Encouraging Parents (PEP). I think many churches have parenting programs so if your sister belongs to one, that might be a place to check.
I suspect these incidents happen more often when you/your sister are otherwise maxed out emotionally/physically. It would probably help to try to focus on “self-care” type things- parenting groups that may offer support, regular scheduled “alone time” for mom, talking to each other about it regularly (which it sounds like you’re doing).
Lyssa says
I think that what you’re describing sounds pretty normal. Not ideal, of course, but pretty normal. I’ve never broken anything, but when you consider that it’s something that can easily be broken like a mug, I can imagine how it could happen pretty easily. (But I understand why that history would mean that you would want to be extra-careful.)
Assuming that it was the kid’s mug that she would actually miss (and not just a random mug of which you have too many, like we do), I would get a new one, but I probably wouldn’t make a big thing out of it. Niece can understand that sometimes accidents happen and thing get broken (unless she was deliberately trying to break it, I think it’s OK to frame this as an accident), and we say we’re sorry and try to be more careful.
Meg Murry says
+1 for normal (as in common, not something to image she will be putting her child in therapy for life over, something lots of us have done) but not ideal, and something she wants to work on. I agree with the suggestions downthread that sister focus on the big picture of de-escalating her anger/annoyance before it gets to the point of breaking things, not this individual incident.
My husband and I have both done things like this (him more than me) and what has kind of worked for us was to treat it like we would if the tables were turned and the kid behaved that way. What would she have done if the 4 year old had gotten mad at the 18 month old, taken a toy from him and thrown it so hard it broke? Would 4 year old have to go to room until she calmed down? Lose a privilege? Apologize? Used her own money to pay to replace it?
I think if it happened really recently (like yesterday) it would be good for the mother to apologize to the 4 year old, and say something like “Mommy got really angry yesterday when you spilled your juice. Sometimes people get angry, and that’s ok. But Mommy wasn’t being careful when she was angry, and she put the mug in the sink so hard it broke. That’s not ok, and Mommy’s sorry. It’s ok to be angry, but we all need to work on finding ways to deal with being angry that don’t hurt people or break things. What’s a better way for Mommy to deal with being angry in the future?” Then they could talk about things like taking deep breaths or a time out, stomping feet or saying “I’m so mad right now!” or hitting pillows or things that don’t break, etc, and make the whole conversation about how to deal with being angry. She could also talk about how it’s ok that the daughter is sad that the mug is broken, and talk about forgiveness.
If it’s a past incident, I wouldn’t dwell on the mug in particular, but rather find a book or tv show where a character got mad, and use it to talk about ways to deal with anger, like the conversation above, and if the daughter brings up the mug, deal with it, but don’t dwell on it (especially if the situation was something like the daughter didn’t actually see the mother throw the mug in the sink). She could probably also try to mention something about appropriate reactions for the scale of the incident (“yes, Mommy was mad that you spilled your juice, and it’s ok that Mommy was mad, but it’s not worth getting that mad about” or “Mommy was more mad that you didn’t listen than that you spilled your juice, but even still, that doesn’t make breaking things ok.”)
If the mug was special to the daughter, then, yes, the mother should probably replace it, and re-iterate that she was sorry and it isn’t ok to break things just because you are mad. If it was one of a million, I’d focus more on the “its not ok to break things just because we have a lot, what if I broke a mug every time I got mad, we’d run out of mugs and then what would we drink out of!” It’s ok to take the conversation into the silly/absurd then and talk about how that’s wasteful to have a garbage dump full of mugs, imagine how huge a pile that would be, or into the abstract “and then Mommy would have to stop buying [her favorite treat that the kids know is an indulgence, like Starbucks coffee for herself, new shoes for herself, etc] because she’d have to spend the money on buying new mugs for the family instead”, etc.
But yes, I’ve been there and I’m not proud of it – but for me it’s important to deal with it, otherwise later she’ll be having a conversation about why it’s not ok to break your siblings toys or your classmates school supplies when they annoy you, and sure enough, the words “but Mommy, remember when you got mad and broke my mug?” will come out of their mouths. Dealing with ways to de-escalate anger without property destruction (or getting into physical altercations) is a good life lesson for all ages, and takes practice.
Betty says
We are all trying to do the best we can and not repeat the worst parts of our own childhood. I think you and your sister should both be commended for recognizing and trying to tackle this part of what you learned about parenting from your own parents.
I think it is normal to loose your temper with your kids. I think it is in how you respond in the moment and after that matters. I would view it as an opportunity to teach that it is ok to say when we (as adults) have not behaved well. Apologize. Make amends. And try and understand what triggered the response in you that brought you to that point. On this point, I highly recommend the book “Bring Out the Best in Your Child and Yourself, Creating a Family Based on Mutual Respect.”
In this particular situation, I would acknowledge my behavior to my child in an age appropriate way. “I got mad and broke your mug. My behavior was not ok. I am sorry.” I would then go replace the mug. After all, if I broke one of my friend’s mugs, I would apologize and then replace it.
TK says
Little TK came up behind me a month or so ago and bit my bottom. (WTH, Little TK?) I yelled and reflexively turned around and swatted him, like I would a mosquito. His little face just crumpled. I’d never seen him make that face before, it crushed me. I kneeled down to his level and said I was sorry, and that I shouldn’t have yelled or bopped him, but it isn’t okay to bite Mommy, biting hurts.
Then everyone moved on.
It was terrifying in the moment to realize that I could respond with ‘violence’ so reflexively. So, apparently, I need to work on that.
But as for what you do, I think you just have to own your own actions and apologize when you exhibit behavior that you wouldn’t accept in your own kid.
Lurker says
I’ve posted this story before. You didn’t “respond with violence” you reacted to unanticipated pain the way a human should for self-preservation. That was instinct, not a thought out response. I had a young cousin that had a serious biting problem. Her mom had taken her to the doc and tried all types of behavior modification and nothing was working. We were at a family function at my Aunt’s house. All of the adults were standing in the living room talking. Little cousin (who we didn’t know had even arrived yet) crawled in among the adults and bit my dad on the ankle, hard. My dad didn’t even look but just kicked. Little cousin went tumbling across the room. My dad is a big guy and he immediately freaked out that he could have done some serious damage. Little cousin LAUGHED. Here’s the kicker though (no pun intended) – Little cousin never bit again and mom is eternally grateful for my dad’s accidental kick.
Pogo says
Watching this thread. In my family, my dad had the scary anger, and while I can’t remember him ever breaking something of mine, he did threaten to throw a stuffed animal out the window of a moving car once, and he spanked me up until middle school which in retrospect seems…. very old for spanking.
My husband can be prone to outbursts, and I’ve seen it in his brother with his children where he pretty easily loses his temper and curses. Not only do I not want my kids scared of their dad, but my nephew is now fluent in the F-word and others at a very young age.
I’m not prone to outbursts so it’s a bit hard for me to understand. Thus I’m watching this closely.
Anger says
Yeah, that’s what I meant by “past the point of what was reasonable”. I remember my last spanking was when I was 13. I never felt abused or anything by the spankings. I just thought they were stupid and made me think less of my mom, since they were clearly more about her uncontrolled anger rather than any kind of true discipline. They also did absolutely nothing to change my behavior.
Pogo says
Same, I never “felt” abused, but it just seemed unnecessary. It was very much because my dad just got frustrated and let it out in that manner.
He’s really calmed down in his later years, so there’s that?
Jen says
Ha, agree with all of the above especially thinking less of my mom. I think my mom spanked me (really, slapped me- not like bent over the knee swag on bottom!) at 13-14. I ducked/winced and told her I would call CPS if she ever did it again, and/or hit her right back. She just got this horrified look in her face like “do you really think this is abuse?” It shut her right up and she pretty much stopped hitting my younger siblings as well.
She slipped up and hit my brother when he was ~12 or so (after he got tall) when they were in the upstairs hallway and he looked at her, laughed, and said “you know I could throw you down those stairs, right?” She knocked it right off.
Katala says
Similar here. My dad got very angry, didn’t often spank but I remember him doing it when I was 12 or 13 (maybe 11..) and since it was uncommon, I felt violated more than scared/disciplined. My mom was also very unpredictable, would yell, guilt trip, cry (which I now realize is related to mental illness). I’m terrified my kids will have a miserable childhood too, because I don’t know any other way. I’m aware of their bad behaviors, but also recognize that it’s very difficult to do something different in a heated moment when you’re at the end of your rope.
My husband had some outbursts during our son’s first year, due to stress/overwhelm, and it’s not new (I guess I ended up marrying my dad, in certain ways) and it really scares me, not because the particular instances were scary but because I’m so afraid of the patterns repeating themselves.
I like the idea of parenting classes that include some anger management. I might suggest that as a way to help my anxiety over adding #2 to the mix.
Anger says
Did your dad ever admit that he was wrong? Because this is what I tell myself to make myself feel better when I’m worried about repeating the patterns– I don’t ever remember my mom apologizing or admitting she was wrong. But when I mess up, I do apologize. And in doing that, the pattern *is* different. Yes, it would be ideal if I were perfectly calm and zen-like 99.9% of the time. But I’m not. So while I’m trying to lose my temper less often, I’m also working on apologizing. I think that matters and makes a difference.
Katala says
Oh, h*ll no. He’s very different now, and we’ve talked generally about how hard things were on everyone (mom was disabled and dealing with multiple mental illnesses) and he’s expressed that he wishes things had been different. But in the moment, absolutely not.
Thanks for this perspective, it’s a good point. And DH does apologize right away or soon after and usually again the next day. DS was too young to really know what was going on, and things are much less stressful now, but I’ll bring talk to DH about apologizing to kiddo in the moment/just after – you’re right that it would be changing the pattern.
PhilanthropyGirl says
So I’m a loss mom – and there is a special level of guilt that comes with being a loss mom in regards to disciplining your living children. Due to PPD I had times during my son’s infancy where I would be so enraged I’d just put him in his crib and walk away, or swat him for a minor infraction and realize later it was not the appropriate reaction. Or yelled and frightened him. The process of accepting that I am human and I fail and I get angry sometimes and I don’t parent my child perfectly has been part of the process of working through the trauma of child loss.
I would imagine the trauma associated with growing up with an angry parent is similar. The process of accepting our failures in light of our vows to “never” do a certain thing is a difficult one.
It is far more important that our children, from a very young age, see us interact with our mistakes in a healthy manner than it is for them to have perfect parents. Anger and overreactions are part of the human experience, and our children need healthy examples of how to deal with them.
In this case, I would probably apologize for my outburst, and explain that while it’s okay to be angry it is not okay to break things. The cup would be replaced – probably not a special shopping trip, simply a new cup selected the next time I was at the store. And then we would move on. Wash, rinse, repeat for every time I’m going to screw up parenting my kid over the next 20 years.
ChiLaw says
I like this approach.
Recently BabyChi was really really acting out during a diaper change and got poop everywhere and I said to her, “Mommy is MAD!” and she got so confused and upset and she immediately stopped kicking and said, “Mama, hug?!” and I said, “no, mommy is MAD and now there is poop everywhere so you don’t get a hug right now.” and I felt like an F-ing monster looking into her disappointed face, BUT after I washed her and myself up, I did give her a hug… I don’t know. My husband said I was too harsh, and the next morning she did something benign (spilled cereal?) and said, “mama mad?!” and I had to tell her I wasn’t, so I really felt mean and like maybe I had killed a tiny piece of her unconditional trust in me, but… I don’t know, I want her to know that her actions impact my feelings? I want her to know that I can be mad and still love her? But I really really don’t want her to be scared of my anger. That’s where I worry.
PhilanthropyGirl says
Being a parent is just hard. I don’t know if it gives you a helpful perspective, but I think the dialog between you and BabyChi is so important. She’s learning what mad is, and learning that she can make mistakes that don’t make mama mad, but really acting out intentionally does result in anger. It gives her a frame of reference for a very big feeling. You also showed her anger doesn’t last forever. Those are good lessons. In some ways, she now knows that she can trust you to be angry – you were angry, you cleaned up the mess, she still got her hug. It’s a more mature kind of trust and an important kind for a child to develop. I say good on you.
It’s still hard. Mine got a swat on the bottom for standing up (again and again and again) in the tub. And I cried because he looked so hurt and offended. It’s just hard.
Anonymous says
just curious why he’s not allowed to stand in the tub? I bathe my twins standing all the time. I cover the bath with mat but not clear on why standing isn’t okay? Is it just a personal preference?
They love filling up buckets under the tap while the tub fills up and eventually I turn off the water and they sit down but they often stand for 75% of the bath.
PhilanthropyGirl says
Interesting – maybe it is personal preference. I have always considered it a safety issue particularly for my adventurous and often clumsy toddler. Sitting in the tub has always been a rule in our house.
Em says
My kid just hit the point where he can sit in the tub, but I think I would also view standing in the tub as a safety issue, particularly with a clumsy toddler that could fall.
ChiLaw says
Thanks, Philanthropy! I am in therapy right now, working on “it’s OK to feel your big scary feelings, but you have to learn to address them in productive ways” so I joke a lot that BabyChi and I are basically working on the same things.
I have a no standing in the tub rule too, because I am afraid she’ll fall — the combo of slippery and very hard surfaces freaks me out. But thankfully she loves the bath so much that “oh are you standing because you’re all done!?” usually gets her back on her tush.
Katala says
Also have a no-standing rule (but it doesn’t work). I’m afraid he’ll fall and hit the tub edge or faucet. We have a mat but it’s still slippery in there and toddler is clumsy.
SoCalAtty says
12 months, my son stands for most of the bath. We have a non-slip mat on the bottom and a foam protector over the tub spout. I only fill the tub full enough so that if he does fall, his head is still above water. He does fall…but he’s starting to learn to catch himself.
PhilanthropyGirl says
You’re welcome ChiLaw. Keep doing what you’re doing –
The “if you stand you’re all done” only worked until he could manipulate the system. What’s that? Mom’s going to put soap in my hair? Standing up, cause all done.
Sigh. Too smart for his own good.
Anonymama says
I actually think it is okay, and even good, for kids to learn that parents have strong feelings sometimes too and have to figure out how to control them (with the reassurance that even when mommy is mad, she still loves you etc she just needs a minute to deal). Like, as a model for their own reactions to strong emotions. Obviously throwing the mug was not good, but saying you can’t give a hug right that second (in a poop crisis!) seems entirely reasonable.
Katala says
Thanks for this perspective, it’s a helpful way to frame the issue.
PhilanthropyGirl says
Parenting takes so much kindness towards ourselves. My sister was telling me the other day she is so worried about messing up her kids. I sort of shrugged and said I figure no matter what I do they’ll need therapy. I had great parents – I still need therapy. DH had great parents – he needs therapy. All we can do is the best we can do, one moment at a time.
Meg Murry says
This is what I was trying to say upthread, only much better stated. Yes, make it about learning that people have feelings, and people make mistakes, and parents aren’t perfect but that’s ok and we all have to try to do better.
Good job PhilanthrophyGirl!
PhilanthropyGirl says
Thanks Meg Murray – I think because of my PPD I had to face this head on early and it has been both encouraging and challenging to me. I’m glad it can be helpful to others, too.
Anonymous says
There’s a great Daniel Tiger episode called ‘Daniel is mad’ where he talks about feeling mad and learns to express his feelings. Honestly, a lot of adults could benefit from that episode. I may have put in on a few times when my MIL was around.
I try to model language like “Mommy feels mad. I feel made about Thing that Happened.” “Do you feel mad too sometimes? What helps when we feel mad?” Often doing some deep breathing or a hug will work to calm me down and make kid feel more secure.
I always acknowledge and apologize if I do something inappropriate. It’s really important for kids to see you trying to do better. If I’m off my game and I yell, sometimes I’ll ask kid how they felt when that happened.
We worked really hard on this in our family because my DH was yelled at and hit as a kid and doesn’t want that for our children. It’s a hard balance with kids because you don’t want to model suppressing emotions but kids can easily be very scared when they feel like their parents have lost control.
In your sister’s situation, a response with logical consequences would have been to give the 4 year old paper towels to clean up the mess and say that she wasn’t allowed to use a straw anymore until the next day.
I would replace the mug. I think it sends the message that breaking things is not okay.
Jen says
My kid picked this at daycare but she tells me “I have a mad face because .” When she’s pushing my buttons I will often tell her I’m mad, or she will ask if I have a “mad face.” We also have a book called “The Way I Feel” which goes over a ton of emotions (good and bad). She’s just now 3 and frankly, I’m surprised at what she understands- she’ll tell me she’s frustrated, disappointed, mad, shy, brave, excited etc- and I really attribute to that book. She still doesn’t get “jealous” but even after a sibling came onto the scene I don’t think she’s actually experienced that emotion yet!
thank you, pelvic floor pt vets says
Just wanted to say thank you to those of you who responded yesterday about pelvic floor pt. The cosmo article was fantastic. I have had 2 kids and have been struggling with chronic pain and other issues since my last child was born. I’ve seen my ob, two specialists, had a MRI, and spent a lot of money, but I think my 20 something, fresh out of school PT is the one who has finally, properly diagnosed me. I am so happy to finally understand what I’m dealing with and the likely cause and getting the right treatment.
M says
That’s great! It really is amazing to find someone who gets it. My PT provider was wonderful. She was motivated by the fact that she had been through it herself.
The Longest Shortest Time also had a great podcast on birth injuries which was such a great help
M says
http://longestshortesttime.com/podcast-49-healing-after-childbirth/
Anonymous says
So glad to hear this :)
Paging Anelia Bedelia says
Try European formulas (Holle or HiPP) if your LO would only take mama’s milk from a bottle. Our friends’ little guy was the same way and would only drink Holle from a bottle. The kid has good taste!
Anonymous miscarriage says
My Labor Day weekend plans are . . . dealing with a missed miscarriage, which, judging from the ultrasounds, apparently happened several weeks ago. So I’m going to be taking misoprostol today after work. I have all the directions and warnings and advice from my doctor, who’s been great, but does anyone have any tips from firsthand experience to provide? (For example, pain management — I didn’t think to ask her this, but presumably it’s a good idea to just go ahead and take Tylenol 3 with the first dose, right? Am I going to have trouble sleeping?)
I should say, I know everyone must deal with this differently, and I think I’m probably getting off light on the emotional side of things. In particular, we already have a wonderful toddler — I know myself how much more utterly devastated I would be if that weren’t the case. I guess that’s why I’m looking for more practical, dealing-with-the-physical-situation tips. But I really hope this request doesn’t come off as insensitive to anyone else who has dealt with this obviously heartbreaking experience. I would certainly appreciate words of support too.
PhilanthropyGirl says
I am so very sorry. I don’t have that experience, so no practical advice. I have lost a child through preterm birth, so I do understand some of the emotional ramifications. Everyone is different, and everyone processes differently. In the loss circles I am a part of, I often find that for many women with circumstances similar to yours the reality of loss seems to hit later, perhaps on the approach of due dates or on loss anniversaries. I hope you will find support for your situation no matter how the emotional side of things develop in the future for you.
I wish you much peace. Please accept my deepest sympathies and wishes for quick physical healing.
Anon says
I was in a similar situation to you – missed miscarriage, already had a toddler, lighter on the emotional side. The pain was worse than “like a really really bad period” (I usually have bad periods, like stay-home-from-high-school bad, so it was intense) but a couple strong Tylenols taken like clockwork at least took the edge off. Keep taking the pain meds even after you feel “better” – don’t stop earlier than what your doctor says. What I wasn’t expecting was the emotional part. Not crying or anything, but more like a general depression where I just wanted to lay on the couch, eat ice cream, and have someone bring me things. I felt sort of betrayed by my uterus, like why couldn’t it get it’s act together and get with the program. I couldn’t bring myself to do much but generically interact with the toddler – I just sort of talked about a toy she brought over for me to see, but didn’t really make up games or stories or anything. Making meals or participating in any of the household was totally out of the question for the first 24-36 hours. By Monday I felt better, and by Tues I was back in the swing of things.
My best tip is to make sure you have another adult who can pamper you a bit, but who can also take care of the toddler if you’re not feeling up to it.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Just know that whatever your reaction is, it’s the right one. You don’t have to sob uncontrollably and you don’t have to feel like you’ve lost a child. You don’t have to share with lots of people and you don’t have to keep it a secret. Or you can feel All The Things, even all at once, and it’s okay too. Be kind to yourself, and find a Team You that supports you in whatever way you need.
ChiLaw says
No advice, but I’m sorry you’re going through this, and hoping you heal quickly!
FVNC says
Like Anon above, I was in a very similar situation to yours this past winter. I searched this forum and the main s!te for archived advice, and found some helpful comments (although I was deciding between misoprostol and D&C), so you might try that. I was fortunate — I had prepared for the worst, but the pain was not problematic for me with a strong dose of Tylenol, and the heavy bleeding tapered off by late Saturday morning…but then light bleeding continued for another week, which was annoying. I inserted the pills Friday night after our toddler went to bed, and husband knew he was on full kid duty the next morning. Fortunately by lunchtime Saturday I felt more or less fine. I hope you have a similarly “okay” experience, and am very sorry you’re dealing with this loss.
Anonymous miscarriage OP says
Thanks so much to everyone for your kind responses and support. I’m so sorry for your losses. Anon and FVNC, it helps a ton to know more specifically what to expect. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I’m dreading this a little less now.
Meg Murry says
Hugs to you, please be kind to yourself and don’t be afraid to ask your husband or family to handle the toddler so you can take care of yourself.
Also, calling your doctors office and asking a nurse about Tylenol 3 or other pain management is completely reasonable. I’ve been dealing with a medical situation recently, and I’ve gotten nothing but kindness when I’ve called to ask a nurse things like “is this normal or do I need to come be seen?” or “I know the doctor said no A, yes B, but I forgot to ask about C”. Yours won’t be the only call they have today, and it won’t be annoying them or inappropriate. Calling the emergency on call line at midnight tonight to ask a non-emergency question is being annoying – calling the office today to ask a reasonable question is totally normal and expected and may make you feel better than anything us strangers on the internet can say – although I suspect it’s like any other pain management where you are better off taking painkillers as often as the bottle allows, rather than waiting until you are already in pain.
Anon says
Anon from above… so glad to have helped even a little. I’ll be thinking of you this weekend, sending you strength through the ether.
One thing I should have added. You don’t mention a partner, but encourage him/her to work through their feelings as well. My DH felt very alone in his grief, honestly I think he took the miscarriage harder than I did, but obviously I wasn’t in a position to help him with his feelings and he felt the need to keep it all together for me and the toddler. When he found out a (male) friend had gone through 3 miscarriages, he confided in him, and that seemed to help.
Partners and their own feelings can be overlooked during a miscarriage, so if yours has a history of depression or closing down or whatever, you might encourage him/her to reach out to a trusted friend. Obviously you need to focus on yourself first and most, and Partner should support you, but know they might have some grief or sadness too.
Marise says
I had two D & Cs before having my beautiful son. Hang in there and be good to yourself and your body.
Katala says
Hugs. Take good care of yourself this weekend.
zomg says
I am not anti-girliness or anti-pink, but my MIL’s insistence that my daughter be dressed in pink lacy dresses that she shouldn’t destroy and that the grey shoes she’s been wearing (and loving) that were originally her brother’s are unacceptable because “they’re not pink” is really starting to get to me. Biting my tongue because she doesn’t visit often and I just need to get through this weekend, but ugh. Daughter is a toddler. She makes a mess when she eats and loves to play in the dirt. I don’t want her to be a precious little girl. I want her to play and get dirty in an age appropriate way.
/rant
ChiLaw says
Rah rah!
I play this game in my when I dress my kiddo, or when I take her picture, of imagining all the different ways she could grow up. Which outfits and expressions will she show her friends and say, “haha, see, I’ve always been like this” and which ones will she say “ugh I can’t believe my mom put this on me”?
But really, it’s so silly the need to aggressively gender our kids. They’re KIDS, they need to play, and they’ll get plenty of that unnecessary crap as they get older.
H says
2 thoughts: 1) Did MIL buy your daughter a pink lacy dress? If she’s insisting your daughter wear it, maybe let your daughter wear it but be herself so MIL can see how dirty she gets and how impractical such a dress is. Or 2) maybe make an offhand remark like, oh, I love those frilly dresses, but they just won’t work for Beth because she loves to play outside and she gets so dirty! I just can’t justify spending money on those clothes.
zomg says
She bought MANY pink lacy and otherwise frilly dresses! They are adorable. Daughter has been wearing them to school all week, because manners, but after she came home with her white pants still clean on Monday, I asked my husband to tell the teachers at drop-off that daughter can play as usual in her pretty clothes, please don’t try to keep her clean. Husband rolled his eyes at me a little but apologized for that when he saw the teacher’s relief the next day. She’s come home normally disheveled since then, and MIL doesn’t seem miffed, just clucks over her pretty little girl.
I know it makes MIL happy to play dress up, and like I said, she doesn’t get to visit often so buying clothes is her way of feeling involved, and I do appreciate it (between the frilly MIL dresses and my mom’s love of garage sales, I rarely buy clothes for daughter, myself)… But I wish they were more practical. Cute dresses are great for church, but not so much in daily life.
Anon says
Can you suggest your MIL switch to tunics and shorts/leggings? That’s pretty much the daycare uniform for girls, since it’s basically a tshirt and pants but feels girly for those who need it to be. Reward any outfit like that with regular pics of kid wearing said outfit, to show that it’s used much more often.
But yes. My DD is 3 and I’m so over the pink stuff. Try to find just one outfit in the girls’ section without a hint of pink. It’s disgusting. Mine gets a lot of boys’ section clothes just so she has a variety of colors in her closet. (And yes I put DS in pink as well. All colors are for all kids.)
I have a theory that most of the “boys will be boys” and reputation for rowdy boys come from this exact phenomenon. There is literally no outfit where a teacher (or grandparent or whomever) will actively keep a boy from getting dirty, so boys are actively shown that girls have to care for their things but boys don’t. My DS once told me dresses are for girls because they have to sit still, but boys don’t wear dresses because they get to run. NOT the message I want either of my kids to internalize.
zomg says
Your last paragraph is exactly my problem with it. I don’t mind pretty. I like to look pretty! but I wear functional clothes appropriate to my activities. The activities of a toddler, boy or girl, should involve unrestricted movement and exploring stuff without (adults) worrying about the effect it has on your clothing. And that’s not the message most adults take away from a pink lacy dress, so I prefer to dress my daughter in clothes that signal more accurately what I think she should be doing.
Katala says
Ugh, one of the reasons I’m happy to have boys. I would be so annoyed, good on you for being able to bite your tongue. I’d feel the same if someone were trying to unreasonably restrict my son’s play/clothing choices – when my husband says an outfit will make people think kiddo’s a girl (he’s 16 months, big eyes and curly blonde hair – people are going to think that!) and tell him I bought it because I like it, he can buy the clothes if he cares so much. Even though I agree that these shorts especially as part of that particular outfit, look a more girly than they did online LOL.
Anonymous says
tell her about Princess Awesome – MIL will love the title/fanciness but the dresses are designed for play and feature great non-traditional prints like trains and rockets but still girly.
zomg says
Love! I will do that. *I* want dresses in some of those prints! I work for a science-related company, I could definitely rock an atom skirt.
Betty says
Send her this article:
http://www.smithsonianmag.com/arts-culture/when-did-girls-start-wearing-pink-1370097/?no-ist
Betty says
I find it deeply troubling when wearing pink/purple becomes the only way that a child can be a girl. Its as though pink has become the only way to express being female, and that wearing blue equates to being male. I have daughter who is three, and it is incredibly tough to find clothes for her that are not pink! or purple!
zomg says
Interesting article! I regularly dress my daughter in her brother’s old dinosaur/truck/whatever shirts, but usually with little girl leggings specifically so I don’t get strangers commenting on my 2 boys. I don’t know why I care, and it is annoying that I feel like I have to throw in some pink or purple or other feminine marker. But yay society for “forcing” me to do it.
Anonymous says
Sounds like you’re striking a great balance. It’s also important to be careful that the message isn’t boy things = good and girl things = bad but more like trucks/dinosaurs/tutus are for whoever wants to wear them and have fun.
There’s many a day that my four year old daughter has rocked a tractor t-shirt with tutu to daycare. I tend to buy non-traditional clothes so she can match her younger brother (per her request for matching) and I also let him wear non-traditional stuff when he wants to be like his sister (so excited to wear her pink fish rainboots when he got big enough)
Katala says
I just got really excited to dress my soon to be 2 boys in matching tractor shirts and tutus, so thanks for that image on a Friday afternoon :)
NewMomAnon says
You know, my daughter shifted to picking out her clothes, and it resolves a lot of those clothing conflicts for me (creates a whole new level of mama-toddler conflicts, but whatevs). Like, MIL buys a pair of lacy toddler Daisy Dukes (WTF) and a shirt with lace sleeves that says, “Sassy sexy sweet” (Double WTF) and toddler won’t wear them because the lace has holes in it? Bummer. Guess we need to burn…erm…donate those.
zomg says
WTF indeed. I’m glad my MIL hasn’t found those yet! And also somewhat sad they exist at all…
Katala says
+1000 wtf.
JB, JD says
Any advice on preschooler sleep? My 3 year old had previously been a great sleeper but she’s a lot of change lately (new room at school, going 5 days instead of 2, plus Mr. JB JD has been traveling every week for the last nine weeks). About 3 weeks ago she woke from a nightmare and since then says she’s scared to be alone, particularly at night. To the point where she won’t even start the night in her bed anymore. Any ideas? We’re thinking we’ll just do the Pantley approach and slowly shuffle out of her room now that the Mister is back in town and there’s two of us on deck (we’ve also got a 15 mo who still nurses). Anyone else been through something similar?
Anonymous says
Does she have a stuffie that she’s attached to? Sometimes having a little buddy to experience everything with (daycare and sleeping) can help.
JB, JD says
She has four and nightlights. It just seems like she needs a human body in there to feel secure?
Betty says
The shuffle may be a great way to go. One piece of advice that I have offered others around this kind of stuff is that you cannot fight fantasy/nightmares with reality. No amount of reassuring that all is well is going to work. You can fight fantasy with fantasy, however. Empower a stuffie to be her magic protector. Make monster spray out of an old spray bottle. Have the family pet sleep outside her door to be her protector of all things that come in nightmares. When my son was four, he became terrified of dragons. I told him that our Newfie was actually a secret dragon fighter at night, and the reason she slept so much during the day was that she was up all night keeping watch over the house. We have used numerous variations on this theme with both kids. It seems to help.
Jen says
Is she still napping? My 3 y/o dropped the nap and part of how I knew she was ready was she wasn’t sleeping as well at night. She also fought Naptime. When we skipped nap and put her to bed earlier, all of a sudden she was STTN again.