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Oooh: Amazon has a number of nice colors for this maternity cowl neck, some sizes and colors marked as low as $33 (down from $48). I like that it’s flattering without being too low-cut and looks like a great piece to wear by itself or beneath heavier cardigans or blazers. The pictured color, oxblood, is $33-$44. Ingrid & Isabel Maternity Long Sleeve Cowl Neck Tee (L-2) Building a maternity wardrobe for work? Check out our page with more suggestions along both classic and trendy/seasonal lines.Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
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Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
NYCpg says
I’m expecting my first in June and having a hard time finding a baby monitor that meets my specifications. Please let me know if you have any recommendations, even if they aren’t perfect!
I’m in a NYC apartment so I mostly want something where I can access a live feed remotely including while traveling using my iPhone, without paying a monthly subscription fee. I want it to be silent (the best I’d found supposedly makes periodic loud clicks that reviews said disturb babes). Ability to save video to review later (again, without crazy fees) and to have two way communication also ideal but not necessary.
Thanks in advance for any recommendations!
Anon says
Honestly, unless you’ll die without it, don’t get a video baby monitor. They are easily hacked, people can put pictures of your baby online, spy on you and your baby, and even talk to your baby.
There’s a search engine for people to watch unsecured video footage of sleeping babies and children. (Here’s the article: http://arstechnica.com/security/2016/01/how-to-search-the-internet-of-things-for-photos-of-sleeping-babies/ )
Someone terrifying a toddler for kicks: http://boingboing.net/2016/01/19/griefer-hacks-baby-monitor-te.html
And basically no monitor is truly safe: https://community.rapid7.com/community/infosec/blog/2015/09/02/iotsec-disclosure-10-new-vulns-for-several-video-baby-monitors
We live in Brooklyn, so we bought the most basic Motorola voice only baby monitor. In fact, it has TOO MANY bells and whistles (it still has the “talk to your kid function,” but hopefully without being able to see a reaction no one will hack it). The way people act on the internet, I don’t want them to have any access to my baby.
JTX says
That’s awesome! Could you take a day or half-day off? Take a nap, see a movie, do an at-home mani/pedi, have lunch on a restaurant patio on a nice day?
JTX says
Whoops, that was meant for Anonymous below. Unfortunately, I have no recommendations for your unicorn monitor.
Sarabeth says
We set up a webcam with an old computer and a Skype account, and then could call the Skype account, which would automatically pick up the call. It had two way communication, and I’m pretty sure my husband could have figured out a recording option although it wasn’t something we were interested in.
Went this route in part because my husband is in tech so we had the parts lying around, and in part because he was freaked out by the security on most of the commercially available baby monitors. This way we had more control because the account only picked up call from contacts, and we could control who was added as a contact.
Meg Murry says
I think this type of DIY is the only way you are going to get a live feed without paying a subscription. Honestly, I don’t think I would trust a service that provided a free live feed outside of your own WiFi network – I would be concerned that either the security behind it isn’t any good or that the company would be going out of business and/or switching to a subscription model.
K. says
There are a lot of free apps out there that you can use with an old smartphone to link to your current smartphone. Just do a search for “iphone baby monitor app” or something like that depending on your phone.
NYCpg says
Thanks ladies, you’re the best!. Something called “cloud baby monitor” in the app store looks potentially perfect ($3.99, may need to buy it on a few devices, but this is super reasonable). We’re talking about getting a new iPad so an old one will likely be available to live in the nursery by the time the little guy arrives.
If this doesn’t do the trick, there are a lot of other super promising ideas here. Thanks a million!
Anonymous says
Take a look at the dropcam. We have two, and they meet almost all of your needs. Silent, there is an app on your phone where you can access it, and the picture is impeccable. However, if you want to rewind you have to pay for that. I think it is $150 for two years. We use as a “nanny cam” — although we were upfront during interviewing that we would be installing them, and they are not hidden in any way — as a way for me to see the kids a bit more when I am working a lot, and as a video monitor for naps. However, we have an audio monitor also because that will stay on all night and you have to open up the drop cam app to hear. So it’s not the perfect system but works for us.
Anonymous says
Also, there is two way communication on the dropcam but it really doesn’t work well in my experience.
MDMom says
I think you want to look at webcams more than “baby monitors.” We have a basic dropcam that does some but not all of that. You can spend more to get more. If you are willing to spend on this and don’t have much tech knowledge, maybe talk to a home security company.
MDMom says
Oh and like anonymous above, we also have a $30 audio monitor that we use for night. I actually use the audio monitor 95% of the time during daytime naps too and only log into the app once in a while when I want to see what he’s doing in there. So you may be better off with 2 products rather than trying to find an all in one. Our webcam plus audio monitor was cheaper than most video Baby monitors.
The audio monitor also has 2 way talk. It isn’t all that useful for me. I only use it to try to page my husband from upstairs nursery when he’s downstairs. In a one level apartment, I don’t think I’d use it at all.
Katala says
We got an infrared-capable camera that hooks up to an app. The camera name escapes me but the app is MIPC. Not sure about rewind but you can record and take stills. App is free and my husband was satisfied with the security.
I like that the camera is quiet, easily moves angles by swiping on the feed (also quiet) and I can see it from anywhere on my phone. Downside is you have to go in to the app to see/hear anything, or just leave it open but it drains my battery.
I’ll post a link to the camera if I can find it.
Katala says
Here is the one we have: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00JAJ9U8K?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_search_detailpage
It’s pretty big and ugly and was not that easy to set up, but I like the app and it works well. We haven’t tried it but it looks like you can add an SD card so that may provide you with record/rewind options.
Anon in NYC says
I have a wifi monitor, but have you considered the Phillips wireless monitor? It seems like it would meet some of your specifications (you can access the feed via an app on your phone or online, and it can send snippets of video to a dropbox account). I don’t know if it does two-way communication, although I have this feature on my wifi monitor and have never used it to communicate with my daughter.
A friend has Nest Cam, and I think they think it’s pretty good. One time we stayed at their place and had forgotten our monitor so they set up a second camera for us. It seemed to freeze frequently. Not sure if it was because of the second camera, the wifi, or viewing it through the app.
Anonymous says
I want to give myself a shout-out here. After having two pregnancies back-to-back and gaining almost 60lbs, and a trying year, I have resolved to get myself back to a healthy, happy shape and this morning I have lost 12 lbs in the last month. I’m overweight enough that it’s not really noticeable yet, but I can tell a difference in my clothes and it has really provided the impetus I need to keep going.
Now – I’d like to do something special for myself when I hit the next few milestones. Does anyone have a good idea of a unique reward that involves spending literally $20 or less? We’re currently juggling two households for the next six months and we have zero zip discretionary income right now.
Thanks so much!
JJ says
Congrats!! I’m on a similar path, and I reward myself with new workout clothes for major milestones. Either a new top, new Sweaty Band, etc. Doesn’t have to be too pricey – I really like the C9 Champion line at Target.
Meg Murry says
+1 to workout related item, or cooking healthy related item.
Ideas:
-new (or new to you) workout DVD
-new water bottle
-yoga mat (from somewhere like target)
-kitchen gadget (again, Target prices, something like an oil spritzer,food scale, storage for cut up fruits and veggies, etc)
-cookbook
-new earbuds or a favorite audiobook for walks
Or for something that isn’t workout related but related to feeling good about yourself:
-wash and blowout at a nice salon (might be over your $20 if you are in HCOL area, but maybe good for a bigger milestone) or you might be able to find a good deal somewhere like a beauty school (I go to a local Aveda institute)
-new nail polish and home mani/pedi
-taking a skirt or pair of pants to the tailor
-clothing to fill in wardrobe gaps from Goodwill
-an hour of a babysitter so you can take a walk or do some other fitness or pampering item in peace
And of course, posting here so we can all say “Yayyyy! Good for you!”
Anonymous says
Can you swing seeing a movie by yourself? That would be my choice — pick one that the husband doesn’t want to see and leave the kiddos with him! Or pick up a couple books you wanted to read last year now that they’re in paperback. (Though there’s no guarantee you’ll get to read them.)
lsw says
Good for you! Maybe a gel manicure, if that’s around $20 where you are? Love the idea of the audiobook. Or, if you live in a cold area like me, a new pair of SmartWool socks. :)
Famouscait says
+1 to gel manicure. I got my first one yesterday and I am amazed. I typically never even like having my nails painted at all.
MDMom says
If it were me, I’d buy an ebook I really want to read- otherwise I generally wait for stuff to be available from library so this is a treat. No additional ideas. I mainly just wanted to say congrats! Sometimes seeing/feeling real progress is the best reward of all.
Anonymous says
huge treat for me is buying books. i spent $50 on amazon for me the other day and I am so happy about it. usually I borrow digital from the library or buy used.
other things for me in the $20 range- coffee thermoses, reusable water bottles, fancy keurig pods, more chargers or power banks, mini travel things for next trip, guide books for next vacation (i spend so much time researching vacations and it makes me happy even though we only do one a year), an hour sitting in a cafe reading and having an americano, paying a neighbour kid to shovel the snow, bubble bath, eyebrow threading
Anonymous says
Thanks guys! I actually LOVE the idea of going to a movie by myself. I haven’t been to the actual movies since our first child was born, so…maybe since winter of 2012?
Edna Mazur says
Hi twin! I also had back-to-back pregnancies and gained a bunch of weight. I am very impressed with 12 pounds in a month! Congrats!
I love the movie suggestion. Also, could you just get some alone time. Have partner or pay babysitter $20 to get the kids out of the house for awhile. I would take a bath with a book and wine.
Anonymous says
It’s wonderful in lots of ways, but it definitely put my body through the wringer.
ANP says
Mamas, help me figure out my weekend schedule! We have 3 kids age 6 and under and I’m having a hard time getting to Sunday night in what I call “Next week ready” shape. I try very hard not to overschedule our weekend time, but it seems like we get to Sunday and the house is a wreck, I haven’t paid bills/gone through mail, there’s still laundry all over the place and I just generally don’t feel ready for the coming week. Ideally, here’s where I’d like to be come Sunday night:
+ Whatever clean laundry we have is put away, and most of it is done (I have no time during the week for laundry). I’d even settle for having a basket of clean clothes in each kid’s room, not put away.
+ Main areas of the house (mudroom, living room, kitchen, master BR) are tidy (clean would be a bonus, but I’ll settle for tidy!). Bathrooms qualify as “not disgusting.”
+ I’ve had time to go to the grocery store
+ Kid lunches and backpacks are teed up and ready to go in the morning
This weekend is a great example of how time gets away from us: our daughter had a one-hour gymnastics class on Saturday morning, we had a family gathering on Saturday night (5-10PM) and another family gathering on Sunday night (4-8:30PM). With two family parties on the calendar (atypical for us), I actually felt overscheduled. But I also feel as though I spend my entire weekend getting snacks/putting people down for naps/kissing boo-boos/etc.
What are your tips for getting the most out of your weekends? We already outsource about half of our housecleaning, and the other half isn’t in the budget at present. Husband is super-participatory. I’m thinking maybe a sitter for 2-4 hours every Saturday, just so we can get some stuff done? What else am I missing here?
anne-on says
Do both of you go to every class? My husband and I swap those up, so the other person at home can handle laundry/grocery time. Ditto to having one parent handle the bedtime routine so the other can wash/fold/put away laundry. Will your kids play alone? My 4 year old is generally ok with playing alone long enough for me to fold at least 1 load of laundry.
We also do a lot of grocery store trips at off hours (ie, super early or super late). Can you run to the store at dinner time while your spouse gives the kids dinner? Or after bed? Or as soon as they open? Meal times are usually a really good time for errands btw since most people are home.
We also set a 15 minute tidy up timer every night. That’s about half of a tv show. Its enough to empty/load a dishwasher, wipe down counters/surfaces, and declutter at least 2 rooms with both parents helping. Bonus if you can convince older kids to help.
ANP says
Nope, we split classes but it’s still an all-hands (or most-hands) on deck situation with a 3 year old and six month old at home. Older kids will play alone most of the time, but we still have a baby — who is GREAT at being left alone on her play mat and watching the big kids, but is still a baby and needs more handling than, say, a six-year-old.
Interesting about off-hours grocery runs though! I like that idea. I also need to be better about getting the big kids to help out more.
Katala says
No help, unfortunately, but commiseration. We only have one and I still feel behind every Sunday. Having 3 3-day weekends in the last month helped some but mostly made me feel like in 3 days I can almost get a weekend’s worth of routine stuff done.
We basically never have anything scheduled so that’s not taking up our time – I can’t figure out where it goes!
rakma says
I do a lot of my weekend ‘stuff’ on Fridays. I have an unusual set up and work nights Fridays, so I get groceries delivered in the morning before I go to work, get laundry started, and use my Friday lunch hour to take care of bills/mail/paperwork. This way a lot of stuff is done before the weekend really starts.
I try not to save all of the cleaning and tidying for the weekends. I’d rather do 20 minutes here and there during the week than clean all weekend. 10 minutes of picking up toys 3x a week is so much more manageable than 30 minutes once a week for me. Laundry I do save for the weekend (otherwise I just end up re-washing the same load I keep forgetting to put in the dryer all week) but it’s usually not away by Sunday night–I settle for the basket in the right room.
Would 30 minutes after dinner Sunday of ‘family clean up time’ help? Even if the kids are just putting away some toys. and the youngest is barely helping, it might be enough to get into the mindset of being ready for the week. DD is 2, and her ‘helping’ is adorable and completely inefficient, but every piece of pretend food she picks up off the floor is one less I have to deal with.
Meg Murry says
Can you move anything to a time other than the weekend? For instance, we have each of my kids put their clothes into their own hamper, and then on a weeknight I’ll throw one of their loads in and use the “delay start” function so the load starts around 4 am and finished by 6 am, and then I can throw it in the dryer before I leave for work. Then it goes into the clean basket when I come home and back upstairs. I don’t even pretend like I am going to fold or put away anymore – the kids just dig through that clean basket for the rest of the week.
Same with grocery store and bills. Could you go to the grocery store one night after supper (and leave the kids home with dad)? Can you put your bills in an plastic envelope thing (the name for that escapes me) and just pay your bills online or write checks for them at your desk at work first thing when you get in or over your lunch break?
Could you trade off carpooling to gymnastics? Or could you drop her at gymnastics and run an errand some weeks? Or even sit in your car and sort the mail for part of the class? One super organized mom (who also happens to be a single mom and therefore has the “waste zero time” down to a science) used to bring her bills, checkbook, calculator and stamps to the gymnastics class our kids attended, which I always thought was pretty smart, but I never managed to do it myself, tending to spend the class zoned out on Facebook or socializing wit the other parents.
My house is also chaotic and my weekend isn’t well scheduled either, so while I’m throwing these things out there, know that you aren’t alone.
ANP says
Yes yes yes, love the idea of using gymnastics time to get stuff done. They have wifi there, too! I had to take the baby with me this week but that is a great option. Keep the ideas coming!
Anonymous says
1. Grocery – I would have groceries delivered if possible. If not possible, schedule a monthly Costco trip to stock up on essentials/nonperishables so you only have to shop for fresh produce weekly. Could you and DH switch off this responsibility (that way you shop for fresh produce every second tuesday and he does the weeks in between)
2. Laundry – can you throw in one load/night during the week? Get a giant tub/basket thing, let the clean stuff pile up during the week. Sort/fold while 3 year old watches cartoons while 6 year old is at gymnastics.
3. Divide and Conquer with the kids – Alternate who takes the kids and which combination. e.g. – if DH takes 6 year old and 3 year old to gymnastics you can run out and do errands with baby or tidy up while babywearing. or you take baby and 6 year old to gymnastics and DH stay with 3 year old and fold laundry.
4. bring in more help — even a couple hours a week with a local high schooler shouldn’t cost you much and you’d be able to have them entertain the kids/fold laundry etc. My preference would be to have them do some of the household stuff so I could play with the kids but you do you.
Anonymous says
We only do a max of one activity per weekend. If we had a weekend like yours, we wouldn’t be next week ready either.
We used to treat our weekend tasks as a family outing, but once we had a third child, we had to split up tasks. So one of us goes grocery shopping solo while the other is with the kids. When our littlest was a baby, I’d get up with baby and go as soon as the store opened, while the older kids are having a lazy morning and husband makes breakfast.
Laundry we always did once a week on the weekend, sorting one night, rotating between activities one day, and folding while watching tv that night. Now we wash one load at a time, when a room’s basket is full. No sorting. I expect to go back to once a week laundry because I prefer it, but for now it’s how it’s getting done.
Housekeeping is hard because we don’t have a housekeeper. We clean the kitchen and sweep the dinning room every night. We do 1-2 more things each weekend (ie, vacuum and clean toilets), but that means that any given spot in the house is only cleaned about once a month. It’s gross, but we’re all still alive.
One of us is constantly working on something, inside or outside the home, but we trade off being with the kids and working.
NewMomAnon says
I make liberal use of the time between when my kiddo goes to bed and when I go to bed, which I bet you didn’t have with the late-night family events last weekend. On weekends I have my daughter, I cut off all events outside the house at 7 pm, put her to bed by 7:30, and then I have 3 hours or so to do laundry and pick up.
Bills – autopay. My bank lets me set up payment accounts so I can either put it on a schedule, or at least have everything teed up so I can enter the amount (energy bill) and just hit go when I get to work.
Groceries – delivery.
Lunches – leftovers, packaged into single serving containers as part of dinner clean up. Another thought; by 6. I could make my own sandwiches and was packing my own lunch (with adult supervision and careful grocery selection).
Final thought: change how you live in the space. No toys or hanging out in the kitchen and master bedroom; all of it is contained in kid bedrooms or the living room, so all you have to pick up is the living room. My kiddo is welcome in my bedroom by invitation only and I allow only the number of toys that fit in one small basket.
Famouscait says
Nothing mind-blowing, but here are my two tips:
1. I also do all our laundry on the weekends. I start it as.soon.as.I.wake.up. Literally it is the first thing I do out of bed. I find that getting the laundry train rolling is half the battle for me. (point 1b: we have a two hamper system for adult clothes: all simple stuff [pjs, underwear, socks, workout clothes, etc.] go in one hamper. All of my work clothes or other things that need more attention go in a different hamper. Now hubby is willing and able to do a load of laundry from the simple side without worrying that he’ll mess up something up.)
2. I try to grocery shop on Fridays after work, before I head home. It is less busy and I can get 95% of what I need, even without a well-planned list. If I inevitably forget one ingredient, its most likely something I can pickup during another errand (Target, etc.) over the weekend.
Anonymous says
Do any of you have trouble being friends with moms who don’t work full time or who have “jamberry/knitting hats/private fitness coach kinds of jobs”?
A friend of mine explained to me that I have time and ability to have a second kid because she does and we’re both working moms. She however worked 4 days a month with kid one and hasn’t gone back to work for at least 7 months since kid 2. She also has daycare twice a week and a maid service twice as often as I do.
I don’t want to diminish my friends who work a bit or who can’t find full time work or who choose to work in their passion projects but it’s by no means the same thing and their comparisons as though “we’re all working moms in it together” annoy me. I don’t care if they want to pretend to be lawyers and pediatric nurses and whatever on instagram or their blogs but if you haven’t gone to work in 6 months you aren’t a working mom and shouldn’t dispense working mom advice on me. Is that right or am I just being a jerk?
anne-on says
Ha, I agree, but for the sake of the friendship I’d probably bite my tongue. Although in all honesty I don’t socialize much with the one mom who freelances a bit (with 2 kids in 4 day/wk daycare) and who likes to play the ‘working moms have it so hard’ card all the time….while I work full time and travel. Yeah, not the same thing lady.
Meg Murry says
Regardless of what her situation is, anyone telling you “you can have a second kid, because I do and it’s fine” is either trying to placate you thinking you are looking for reassurance or is clueless at best and a jerk at worst.
I’ve long since learned that everyone’s life is it’s own jigaw puzzle of unique problems – some work long hours, others have no family nearby for a support system, others have family nearby but then windup becoming caretakers as those family members get sick or older, some have big student loan payments, and some just plain can’t deal with being stretched any thinner than they already are.
I think you need to step back and not judge the other friend too much, but just learn how to let these comments roll off you or otherwise diffuse them, because at the end of the day, the “we’re all working moms” part actually does ring true to a certain extent – heck, the “we’re all adults just trying to get through another day” part is true, kids, job, whatever.
But if this person annoys you so much, just hide her from Facebook and ignore her in real life.
MomAnon4This says
+1
She said this to you in 1 line and the first line of your next paragraph is that you don’t want to diminish her…
She just diminished you. Stand up for yourself.
Even a well-place “well, we’re all different and have different resources and priorities and I’m glad it works so well for you.” can help here.
I would even say: This woman is not your friend right now.
PregLawyer says
Hmm, okay, knee jerk reaction? You’re *kind of* being a jerk. BUT, I can completely understand you’re sentiment. I think we just need to fight it off.
I do agree that comparing being a working mom with being a part-time or SAHM is like apples and oranges. You just can’t really compare the two (or three). So she should not be giving you advice on how to juggle a full-time work load in a high-stress, or at least extended hours, career while also raising kids.
That being said, I do have friendships with SAHMs and I really value them. They are women that I was friends with before kids, so we already have the foundation in place. But I do think that being a SAHM is hard in its own way. I feel like my friends who are doing it are really struggling with their identities, and with finding a healthy balance with their partner. I work really hard at not judging how they spend their time or money.
So, I’m not judging you (even though I did call you a jerk), because I have the same gut reaction as you with these things. But I’m working hard at not feeling that way, because I don’t think it’s as easy as it sounds.
PregLawyer says
*your sentiment. Oh Mondays.
Anonymous says
On Halloween I looked at the costumes my SAHM friends had assembled/bought and thought “wow. if that was my full time job I would have made a decent looking costume not bought a bagged costume or stapled garbage together” and realized that the jerk behavior and thinking was going both ways. Good wakeup call for me.
Anonymous says
I totally understand, but I have to assume it comes from a place of wanting to commiserate/show support. I agree, objectively, that working part time in a non-corporate job with lots of help is a world away from 60 hour weeks, transatlantic travel, and conference calls with Japan at 6am. But no matter how many times I try to hint at that, no one seems to get it. My MIL especially kills me with this. I don’t think she would have survived a week with two kids and the job I have.
I just smile and nod, is what I’m saying.
Anonymous says
+ to this. Don’t hate on people who are trying to be empathetic. They may not truly know what it is to walk in your shoes but you’ve never walked in theirs either.
My MIL talks like she had it tough as a working parent when she was a part time day care worker and I’m a litigator. But she lost her mom before she had kids – can’t imagine having to figure out this parenting thing without my mom to talk to.
So appreciate the well meaning empathy and change the subject to something else. It’s not a competition as to who has it hardest.
MomAnon4This says
Good advice, but I could see how it could keep coming up, too… :(
Anonymous says
I don’t know. I am a mom who works as a professional on a full time basis. If someone is working 4 shifts a month or during tax season or whatever that’s awesome for them but they are not a full time working professional. Same goes for if you have left the work force for a long period of time and aren’t actively trying to get back in. I think it’s important to be honest about who we are and what we do. If someone is saying they are a marking executive or whatever and they haven’t had paid work in two years they are not being honest with themselves.
Anonymous says
I think that’s where the “block that person on FB” has to come in. Unless you want to lose this person as a friend, that’s what you need to do (or figure out some other way to deal with her comments about “work”-life balance).
With family, you can’t block them from life, unfortunately, so you do need to smile and nod a bit.
Easier said than done, believe me.
Anonymous says
First off, it sounds like you’re having one very specific person that’s annoying you – rather than “moms who don’t work full time”.
I hear what you’re saying about not wanting working parent advice from someone who is not currently working full time with young children. I’ve certainly done my fair share of eye rolling. BUT (a) My husband and I have traded off being SAH for periods (or both working) over the 7 years we’ve been parents, and I still feel that I have meaningful advice for parents even if I’m on a break because I have worked full time with a toddler and baby, for example. And (b) I can think of one person in my peer group who fits this description and while I do eye roll at times at the constant FB shares of articles etc, I remember that it was these types of pressures that caused her to leave a FT job – so it’s fair and on her mind. I think of it more as what’s happening with her than any pointed advice for me.
You’ll encounter lots of people – parents included – who annoy you. Hide them from FB and avoid touchy subjects in person. Don’t discount friendship with all parents who don’t work full time. One great friend who I frequently meet with to vent and brag parenting stuff with is, for example, a part-time worker.
NewMomAnon says
Consider why she is trying to convince you that you “can” have a second child. Does she think you want a second child and is trying to reassure you that you can do it? No reason to hate her for that, but it’s OK to discount her opinion because she doesn’t understand your situation. Is she lonely and hoping that your second child will make you two closer? Again, no reason to hate her for that.
And…Ouch. This one struck a nerve for me – I’m “part time” in the sense that I get a reduction in billable hours, but still work M-F 9-5 (at least). Does that make me less of a “working mom” than the moms who work 60+ hours a week and travel for work regularly? Sometimes I feel like I can’t complain about the challenges I face, or the issues I’m dealing with, because I know there are moms who are “doing more.” But…that’s wrong. We all struggle in our own ways. Even someone who has a “everything” (very part-time work, child care, house cleaner, flexiblity) probably has challenges you don’t see, like the isolation of being a mostly SAHM with a spouse who maybe works a lot and isn’t around. Or the sadness of having given up a career.
pockets says
I’ve been at home for 6 months after losing my full time job, so I have some insight into this. Please don’t disparage SAHMs. You really don’t know why they’re at home or what they’re struggling with. Being a SAHM is not easy. It’s its own full time job. At any given moment I am way more stressed out than I would be if I were at work. Right now I am stressed because my 2 yo is not napping and I don’t know whether I should call it quits on the nap or whether I should leave her in hopes she naps. And I know you have to make decisions and judgment calls at work, but at least your decisions and judgment calls are important and affect people, and you have the training to help you make the right choice. My decision is inconsequential, I never know if I’m doing it right, and I’m going to have to make the same inconsequential decision tomorrow. I went to an Ivy League school and have a JD, and this is what I think about all day. It’s not great for the self-worth.
Regarding the costume thing: just because I stay home doesn’t mean I’m crafty. And if I was crafty, it doesn’t mean I want to use that talent or the time to make a costume, or bake a fabulous birthday cake, or do art projects, or whatever other typical mom thing people think I should be doing. My kid wore an Amazon-bought costume for Halloween, my apt wasn’t decorated, and I didn’t care. Didn’t even really occur to me to do those things. If someone thinks they can do better than me, I encourage them to do it.
Finally: when people ask what I do, I say I’m a lawyer. Because I am! I went to law school for three years and I practiced for almost 7 years. Telling me that I can’t call myself a lawyer because I’m not working as a lawyer at this instant is like me telling you that you’re not a full time mom because you work outside the home. It doesn’t diminish your lawyer-ness to call myself a lawyer, just like it doesn’t diminish my mom-ness to call yourself a full time mom.
OK, rant over.
Bri says
Any tips for traveling with a baby by airplane? We will be flying cross-country in a couple of weeks, and this will be my then 5-month-old’s first trip. I’m a little nervous about everything. Thanks for any advice/suggestions!
Anonymous says
if safe to do so book in advance and get bucket seat if that is an option. when you check in point out baby and ask if there are any extra seats or places on the plane you can be with husband and baby and not annoy anyone. bottle for takeoff helps with ear pressure. ours slept as soon as the plane went up. bring wipes to disinfect things because your baby will want to chew everything. bring ziplock bags to put your dirty diapers in so you don’t stink up plane (ziplock diapers before throwing them out). ours never gets tv (we don’t have one) so the tv or an ipad is a solid bribe to behave if he does wake up. wear baby in a ssc at the airport. bring extra boiled water if you are formula feeding because airplanes only have super hot boiled water. bring change of outfit for baby and change of shirt for you in case situation gets vomit. bring about three times as much food and as many diapers + wipes as you would normally need just in case.
make husband do some work. baby is not just your responsibility. maybe make him sit somewhere else on the plane so halfway through the flight he can take baby and you can sleep.
have a plan for when you get to destination. cab or pickup with car seat? playpen at destination? diaper delivery set up?
above all don’t worry. I would choose being with a baby any day over a four year old who kicks the seat for 5 hours.
I’ve traveled with a baby under 6 months to four countries now and lots of smaller travel. There is nothing you can do to plan for everything.
Anonymous says
Oh and I don’t usually endorse products but http://www.sleepingbaby.com/ the zipadeezip thing is magical for planes. At that age we used them ALL the time on planes. Keeps baby from touching dirty things, keeps baby warm and snuggly and safe feeling.
Bri says
This is great – thank you!
Katala says
We moved cross country w/ a 6 month old a 2 cats, which was kinda crazy. But not that painful, despite my anxiety. You will do fine!
Our guy wasn’t doing solids yet, but food to play with may help if yours eats solids.
Many toys, plus diapers, wipes and change of clothes in diaper bag PLUS a diaper clutch with one diaper/wipes, so I didn’t have to lug the whole bag to the bathroom. In the end, we changed him on the seat (with pad under of course) since we had a whole row, that way it was a quick 4 hand job.
We got a seat for baby (no choice, see 2 cats above – you cannot have a pet and a lap child, apparently) so he slept in his car seat and that was great. Trying to wrangle him for 6 hours would have been harder. We’re considering ponying up for the third seat for a flight this summer when he will be 13 months…
You’ll be fine! Babies are cute and people like to interact with them so it will likely go better than you think.
Bri says
We are actually moving cross country as well, and this is the part I’ve been dreading most! Thank you for the advice.
Katala says
Ah, good luck! At least the flight is only one way :)
Other thoughts.. we were up so late cleaning the apartment and had a 7am Sunday flight so we didn’t leave as early as we normally would have – not a great plan. We ran through the airport… so do give yourself plenty of time to check bags, go through security, etc. I do think being in the last chunk of people getting on the plane was OK since it meant less time sitting still waiting to take off.
Check as much as possible – we had 3 giant suitcases, a pack and play and ended up checking our carry-on size suitcase (which had change of clothes for DH and I and backup baby clothes, and we were lucky not to need it… I recommend stuffing them in a backpack if possible).
Pay for curbside checkin and for luggage carts/whatever it takes to get in & out of the airport.
In the airport, we wore baby and pushed stroller w/ infant seat piled high with cats, diaper bag, blankets. Popped out seat to board and used it to carry stuff on the plane.
Someone here had brilliant advice to have one parent go on early with all the stuff while second parent waits with baby to board closer to the end. That would have been great, the terminal is more interesting or at least different scenery and it’s not hard to board with only babe in carrier.
The flight attendants were great and would smile/make faces at/talk to baby when they came by. We were chatty with them right away and tried to strike up a good rapport which helped the whole way.
One thing I didn’t think much about was the time change screwing with baby’s schedule. He wanted to sleep at 4:30pm (felt like his 7:30 bedtime to him) – if you can think of ways to manage that before it happens that could be helpful.
Bri says
Thank you so much.. great advice.
PregLawyer says
We’re thinking about ponying up for a seat as well for OUR 13-month old for a summer flight. What sort of booster seat do we bring? Do we lug the convertible car seat around?
RDC says
For a 13-month old you might be able to use a CARES harness – I don’t think a carseat is required on planes. We have a Cosco Seneca seat (from Walmart) as our “travel” seat since it’s super lightweight for shlepping through airports. Also cheap enough we don’t worry about checking it.
Spirograph says
Just want to say that I love snow, and I love my kids and husband, but I really hope daycare is open again tomorrow and my street is plowed sometime before then…
sfg says
We have a Samsung Smartcam. It has a live feed that you can access through an iOS app and it will store the video relating to movement that the camera detects. No monthly fees. Not sure if it has two way communication, though (sadly, my spouse is the technical one and I have only paid as much attention as needed to know how to work the basic functions).
sfg says
This was clearly meant for NYCpg above. Here is the camera: https://www.samsungsmartcam.com/web/cmm/02_SP/Overview.do?productId=00000000000000001107
ECR says
Following on the question about weekend schedule, how do people manage to fit in batch cooking on the weekends? In my ideal life, I’d cook 2-3 meals on the weekends that could last us through Friday. In reality, I only have the time/energy to cook one meal (like bolognese or chili) that lasts Sunday through Tuesday, then we cave and order takeout 2-3 nights. I eat too much bread, pasta, and rice, spend too much on takeout, and end up feeling like a complete failure. Help! I just don’t have the energy to cook on weeknights, and my toddler is clamoring for food by the time I get home at night. I need a better system for reliably getting healthy meals on the table on weeknights. For me, that means protein plus vegetable, at the very least.
JJ says
I do a lot of “double duty” cooking on the weekends. For example, I’ll make something like chili or bolognese, but I know we’ll only get through Tuesday on that either because we’ll run out of food or get sick of leftovers. If I heat up the oven, then I’ll also bake a few chicken breasts while I’m baking something else. I’ll use those chicken breasts later in the week for pasta, quesadillas, etc. More often, we’ll grill something for dinner on a weekend and I’ll throw a bunch of chicken and veggies on the grill at the same time.
I’ve gotten a lot of mileage out of chicken breasts that I mix into the frozen Trader Joes pastas and sauces during the week. Add some of those grilled veggies to the pasta, and it’s a great meal that’s usually ready in 10-15 minutes.
Steamfresh shill (not really) says
Steamfresh veggie + scrambled eggs.
Steamfresh veggie + veggie burger.
Steamfresh veggie + quesedilla with black beans inside (canned beans, pre-shredded cheese)
You can cook all those proteins on the stove top in the 5 minutes that the veggies are in the microwave.
Meg Murry says
+1 to making liberal use of frozen vegetables to fill in the gaps, or even raw vegetables. We do rice+chicken+veggie+stir fry sauce at least 2x a week.
We pretty much alternate between frozen peas, frozen beans, frozen broccoli, microwaved steamed broccoli or cauliflower or raw baby carrots, celery, cucumbers and/or broccoli
The only time we really cook a vegetable not in the microwave during the week is if it’s getting thrown into a stir fry or other stove top dish. My husband will occasionally roast squash or something on the weekends, but we usually don’t bother with any kind of vegetable “side dish” that is more complicated than “put frozen veggie in microwave, press ‘frozen vegetables’ button”.
The only other way I’ve found to do what you are suggesting is to regularly make 2x or 3x batches of food I’m already cooking with the intent to freeze the extra immediately after that night’s meal, and that becomes an emergency future meal.
Anonymous says
+1 Master the quick protein and easy veggie. (frozen peas, steamed broccoli, carrot sticks, edamame, etc)
We batch cook one thing per weekend and put them in the freezer. Over time, we have several options in the freezer, so we can pick and choose throughout the week. We usually have a few soups, cooked chicken breasts, and a few other meals. We also have purchased things like potstickers and chicken nuggets.
Instead of batch cooking, try batch prepping. Ie, chop all the vegetables for the week.
AIMS says
I’m not a huge fan of most frozen veggies be they often come out soggy for me but I love spinach for a hearty, easy side on weeknights. So chicken breasts plus spinach with garlic is a frequent go to and rarely takes more than 15 minutes.
Another option: broiled salmon & asparagus – all in the oven to cook at the same time. I line a baking sheet with parchment or tin foil For easy clean up. Most nights we’ll improvise a miso glaze or just top the fish with some grainy mustard and breadcrumbs.
Another quick meal that I love is veggie fried rice (I like food52’s ‘how to cook fried rice without a recipe for this) – you can cook rice in advance (or use leftover containers from weekend takeout like I do) and then add whatever is in the crisper plus a couple of eggs. The one frozen veggie I like is frozen peas and they are great in this. You can always add a protein. The end result is very comforting and tastes much better than the take out version.
AIMS says
Oh, and I supplement with semi prepared food all the time. For instance, I’ll make a big batch of soup on the weekend for lunch but will then do a dinner of it one night plus frozen pirogies. Costco has tasty ones or I stop by the ‘fancy’ supermarket and get the ones they make in house.
Also, the trader joe’s veggie lasagna plus salad. Or their frozen spinach pie plus soup/salad.
sfg says
I sooooo hear you – I am also exhausted on the weekends. We recently got an Instant Pot (combo pressure cooker and slow cooker) and I am hoping it is the answer to my dreams… at least my batch cooking let us eat relatively healthy food over 50% of the time dreams.
More practically, I consider a weeknight dinner at home a success if I have a veggie that I can roast concurrently with bone-in chicken thighs (that of course I remembered to pull out of the freezer to defrost). 30 minutes at 450 for the chicken, pop in the veggie tossed with olive oil and salt (broccoli, sweet potatoes, carrots, etc) for about 18 of those minutes.
NewMomAnon says
Take this with a grain of salt, because I rarely put it in practice, but in my head I make liberal use of a crock pot.
I put in one batch before bed on Saturday night and it lasts through Tuesday (I actually do this part regularly). The next step, which I am not so diligent about, is to then prepare everything (chop veggies, brown meat and onions, measure spices, etc) so I can theoretically throw it in the crock pot Wednesday morning before leaving for work. I think it would work better if I had a second crock pot insert so I could just refrigerate my prepped food in the insert (except maybe meat, that could be icky) and then pop it in the crock pot base Wednesday morning.
It is heaven to come home after work to a crock pot of hot dinner. And I always include protein and veggies in my crock pot meal, so there are no sides to remember (except maybe a frozen veggie if I feel so inclined).
Anon in NYC says
I’ve found that doing a lot of prep on weekends is actually more effective for us than batch cooking. I try to make my breakfast and lunches for the week, and then it’s mostly breaking down veggies and other items into components that I will need for the week so that I’m ready to go on the day that I plan to make the food and don’t have to think about it.
For example, I was making a bean and escarole soup a few weeks ago. I washed and broke down the escarole, chopped the onion and garlic, soaked the dry beans, and mixed the seasonings, and then stuck everything in little bags or containers in a larger bag. This way it was a bag of stuff for the soup, and that evening someone just had to pull it out of the fridge and follow the directions.
Or, I was making black beans in the slow cooker, so I combined chopped onion, garlic, the beans, seasoning, tomato paste, etc. all in a container. The day I was making it I took it out of the fridge and dropped it in the slow cooker with water.
Also, we typically eat roasted veggies. So on weekends we will wash and break down broccoli, cauliflower, brussels sprouts, etc. The night of, we’ll stick them on a pan with olive oil, salt and pepper, and roast. For things like lettuce, we’ll wash and chop it, and then loosely wrap it in paper towels to prevent it from turning bad as quickly.
We still get takeout 2-3 times per week, but we build that into our meal plan. We used to get groceries on Sunday, but I actually find it more helpful these days to get it on Saturday, because it gives us more time to spread the prep out onto two days. This way it doesn’t feel like a marathon session.
ELL says
My tips for getting dinner made reliably:
1. Plan out meals for the week. Be realistic and plan very simple things. Fish cooks quickly. So do eggs. Browning ground meat to add to pre made sauce is fairly easy. I was into cooking pre kid but now it’s all about simplicity.
2. Know what dinner will be before going to work.
I can’t manage extra cooking on the weekends. I throw together something almost every night. It always includes protein and veggies. I do love the idea of prepping extra meat while the oven is on.
AIMS says
Any tips on using the ergo baby carrier? I read the instructions, watched all the you-tube videos, and my baby still freaks out anytime I try to put her in. Right now, shes not quiet 7 weeks so still needs infant insert. I’m going a little stir crazy inside and a stroller in the snow just isn’t an option.
Anonymous says
I love my ergo but in the beginning baby always wanted her arms in, like tucked up under her chin. When she got bigger, one arm out was okay then eventually she was okay with both arms out. Sometimes tiny babies like wraps better (Moby etc).
If you are in a place that’s snowy for a while (not just the big weekend storm) you can actually get skis for your stroller. Check polar stroller dot com.
AIMS says
I also have the ergo wrap carrier, but haven’t mastered that one either – seems complicated and I am always too tired to deal with it. But maybe I should focus my energy on that one.
Anonymous says
Do you have any friends who babywear that could help you? It’s hard to learn in the beginning but once you figure it out, babywearing makes life so much easier.
(was) due in June says
Or go to a mommy and me class. The instructor or the other moms can help teach you to use the wrap. It’s difficult to learn alone with the internets, but I would see moms in class (especially moms with kid #2) just effortlessly put it on and they will teach you how. Nicer independent mom&baby stores also often have babywearing classes where they will teach you, too.
Anonymous says
I love, love, love my ergo and would never want to raise children without it, but I will sadly say that not all newborns like it. Some don’t like being that snuggled. Some don’t like their feet like that.
Have you tried getting them in and then immediately going out? One of mine was only happy when The Action Was Happening.
Feed them first. IME, a slightly hungry baby will revolt. Try when they are full and sleepy, as a kiddo who doesn’t normally like it might settle for sleeping through it.
If all else fails, one of mine only liked it as a newborn when I used the ergo insert (the older, flat kind) like a taco and put them in sideways. It’s not according to instructions and always felt mildly unsafe, but it worked.
If they are incorrectly, their chin will sort of rest on your chest.
Don’t toss it out, though – a newborn who doesn’t like it can really enjoy it once they can see out, dangle legs, etc.
NewMomAnon says
Yes, do not throw it out! My kiddo wasn’t consistently happy in the Ergo as a tiny peanut, but by 6 months she loved it, and I still use it now (2 years old!) for farmer’s market (ours has all the stairs), airport, festivals, and other situations in which a stroller isn’t ideal.
I had a tube sling for the very early months, and found that was more helpful for my kiddo (but limited my arm movement). I didn’t like the Moby because it was too hard to pop the kiddo in and out, but I did use it for a while. I think a K’tan would have been easier for me than a Moby.
(was) due in June says
My did did not like the ergo until about 4m. When she was brand new, the only thing she liked was the k’tan. My friends have had similar experiences – their infants also preferred Moby/Soli/K’Tan/sling, not an ergo-type. I still use the k’tan on planes, at 8 months.
Lorelai Gilmore says
When my baby was tiny, she loved the Moby. When she got a little older (like 2 months, maybe?) she HATED facing me. She only wanted to face OUT. So we used the Bjorn, with her facing the world. It’s really stimulating for babies and the internet is judgy about it, but we loved it.
Second baby had no interest in the Bjorn, but loved the Ergo (both worn on front and back).
EB0220 says
Highly suggest finding a Babywearing International chapter in your area (if you are in a relatively large city). They usually have regular meetings. Experienced babywearers can help you with your carrier and help you try new carriers. I found SSCs like the Ergo to be a little awkward until 3 months or so. Before that, I like a stretchy wrap, ring sling or (my favorite) woven wrap. The little ones tend to get lost in the SSC and I could never get that Ergo infant insert to work. Also, it seems obvious, but have you tried walking? My youngest (even now @ 18 months) fusses for a minute or two once she’s “up” and then settles right down, assuming I’m walking or moving.
EB0220 says
One more thing – if she’s wearing a one-piece sleeper with feet, it might be uncomfortable. The carrier pulls on the leg fabric and can put their little legs/feet in an awkward position. Might be OK with the infant insert, but just for a test you could try separates if you haven’t already!
AIMS says
Thanks for all the feedback & tips! I think having someone who knows what they’re doing help is a great idea. I’m going to try to find someone to help. I keep thinking I’ll figure it out with videos but clearly it’s not working.
KEL says
Have you gotten her in and walked around for a while? My baby definitely hated getting put in and sitting in the Ergo while I adjusted it, but after a few minutes of doing laps around the kitchen, he settled down. Assuming you’re sure it’s on correctly and she’s properly placed, give it a good 10-15 minutes of continuous motion each time before you give up.
AIMS says
I should, but I’m never confident that it’s on correctly and the ear piercing screaming of my otherwise happy baby is hard to take when I am not certain I have her positioned correctly in the first place. I just found a $20 class in my neighborhood that I can sign up for so I think once someone helps me be sure I have it right, I’ll be more comfortable letting her yell her head off for a bit. Thanks!
K. says
Just echoing some comments here, but my little one is only happy in the ergo if we are walking or otherwise moving in it. If I’m sitting with her in it, she hates it. If I’m moving, she is the happiest baby in the world.
Anon says
I’m worried that my husband is just not that into our kid, but I’m wondering if it’s just the age. Our son is 21 months and I feel like my husband finds every excuse not to take care of him solo. During the weekends when we’re both home, he’ll just ghost on me. All three of us will be in the living room and suddenly my husband disappears to the bedroom where he futzes on the internet. If he’s going to be alone with him on the weekend, he’ll just go to my MIL’s where he’ll crash on the couch and nap while his mom watches our son. I was out of town last weekend, my MIL wasn’t available, so I figured my husband would have lots of one-on-one time with kiddo, but no I found out he had our neighbor (a teenager who often babysits for us) watch him all day both days (running up a big babysitting bill). It’s true my husband had some work he needed to get done so I had expected him to hire the sitter for a few hours but he wound up hiring her for 20 hours (!) between the two days. Part of which he spent napping. He’ll say things like he feels like he doesn’t seem him enough, but he doesn’t use the time he has — he even goes out of his way to pay someone else to spend that time with our son. He says that when he’s old enough to talk and do things it will be different. I admit our son can be very boring right now. There’s a lot of just sort of staring at him, making sure he doesn’t kill himself. But it’s also an age that requires a lot of investment. The best moments are often the ones where it’s 4:30 and I have no idea how I’ll fill the time until bedtime and we wind up having an amazing baby dance party together. On the one hand, it’s my husband’s loss if he doesn’t want to spend this time with our son. On the other, I’m having a really hard time not judging him for it. And I feel hurt. I feel like he’s saying he doesn’t really like our son that much (although I know he loves him and spends a lot of time showing off photos of him, worrying about him, etc.). And I also feel like it’s unfair of him to just completely shirk on parenting. I honestly think he believes in his heart (although he’d never say it out loud) that it’s easier for women to spend time with toddlers than men. That expecting me, or his mom, or the sitter to be fine with the kid all day isn’t expecting that much, but that it’s way more than he can handle. I’m just not sure how to think about this. He gets deeply, deeply offended if I say anything that he takes as me questioning whether he’s a good dad. And I know I’d be upset if someone questioned my commitment to my son because, for example, I hire someone to take care of him during the day while I work. Also, it’s not like I don’t sometimes take him to my MIL’s, too, when I need to get things done. So it’s not fair for me to say well spending X hours per week with our son is okay, but spending X-Y is not okay. But at the same time, I feel upset by it and I can’t figure out if I’m out of line. Also, I can’t tell if it really is the age. Again, this age can be really challenging. My mom says that I was SO BORING at this age, but that when I was 3 and 4, it was amazing. So maybe it’s just another year and this will all resolve itself?
Anonymous says
I don’t feel that I have good advice, but after reading your post I don’t think you’re out of line. I would be feeling very similarly to you in that situation.
Anon in NYC says
I’m not really sure what would help here, but I agree that I would be upset and probably think less of my husband.
One suggestion would be to make this more about you and how you feel in this situation rather than him being a bad father. Like, “when you hire a babysitter for the entire weekend, it makes me feel like you don’t want to spend time with our son. I know you love him, but it makes me feel like you only want to spend time with him when you can do something fun instead of doing every day stuff with him.”
Or, “I know that you’re a good father and that you love our son, but it feels like you’re ignoring him because he’s not interesting to you, but this is seriously hurting how I feel about you.”
Or, “I get the impression that you think that parenting comes more naturally to me, and that’s not true.”
Or, “I don’t always find parenting to be that fun or interesting either, but we both have to do this.”
pockets says
No advice, but I don’t think you’re out of line at all. I don’t want to say he isn’t a “good” dad because I don’t know what a good dad is, but he’s definitely not attentive. It sounds like he’s basically saying that he’ll show up for the baseball games and school plays, but isn’t into the day to day. Which isn’t bad per se but is bad in your situation because it’s not what you expected, and that’s the problem. (And I personally think parenting is all about the day to day, the impromptu dance parties, the sitting around and watching a toddler stack blocks and knock them down, etc.)
As an aside, I’m kind of mystified at how he thinks a 21 month old is boring. At 21 months I was having a blast with my daughter (whom I stayed home with, see above, so I spent like 60+ hrs a week solo with her) and found a lot of joy in the mundane (because I had to but also because it was there to be found). The fact that he doesn’t find joy in spending time with his child is what troubles me. Is it possible this is a symptom of a bigger issue?
OP says
Meh, I get it. There are some times that are great, but reading the same book 20+ times is less great. But I also agree that it’s really the day to day, and I don’t think he gets that he can’t just pick up at age whatever and have this great relationship. He gets hurt sometimes when our son freaks out when I leave the room but when my husband leaves, our son just waves bye-bye. But, uh, that’s the whole thing — if you don’t spend time with him, he won’t be attached to you. He’s still just a baby. When this happens, I do point out that my husband just doesn’t spend as much time with the kid as I do, but then it makes no difference. I’m a little surprised because I know my husband had a very close relationship with his own dad so I had thought he’d be more involved early on. But I think he doesn’t remember being really young with his dad. He remembers reading with him when he was in grade school and talking with him when he was a teenager, so that’s what he thinks of as being a dad. But I’m frustrated about how uninterested he is in these early years.
RDC says
I don’t think you’re out of line either, and would feel similarly. Just a thought – would it be helpful to show your husband ways to interact with your son? In our family, I seem to have “picked up” a lot of parenting knowledge (eg from this website) while DH is sometimes clueless. So I’ve had to explain things that may seem obvious (we have to start brushing the baby’s teeth) but don’t occur to him. Could you show your husband some ways to interact with the baby or propose some ideas for things they could do together? Draw up a sample schedule? He might not know what is age appropriate, or might just draw a blank.
Lorelai Gilmore says
I definitely have experienced this (and have occasionally yelled at my husband when it feels like his parenting is reduced to just looking for ways to avoid parenting). But 1) it doesn’t happen as much now that my kids are older; 2) it doesn’t help to yell or get mad; and 3) if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that you can’t force someone else to parent the way you want them to. My husband does not do big blocks of unstructured time hanging around the house. If he’s in charge of the kids for a Saturday (without me), he packs them up and goes on adventures – museums, riding buses, whatever. But they’re out and active. They miss naps, eat crazy food. But he just can’t handle a whole unstructured day with them (and has no interest in baby dance parties). Does that make him a bad father? Nope. It means he and I are different (I LOVE unstructured days at home with the kids), but it doesn’t mean he’s better or worse.
I have successfully talked to my husband about my frustrations with his disappearing act. I think it’s hard to figure out how to manage unstructured time at home with kids. Do both parents need to be hanging out together? Can one person “disappear” to work or futz on the Internet? Who gets to disappear? Who has to be responsible? It’s so frustrating when you think you’re having family time, and then your partner vanishes because he figures that you’ve got the baby.
So the bottom line is that I think it’s important to talk about how to handle unstructured time. We do best when we map out a weekend together to include some down time for each of us as well as some family time for the three of us. I think it’s good for you to talk about whether all three of you — baby, mom, dad — are getting your needs met.
This will get better as your baby gets older (at least IME) but may get worse again if you have another kid. So it’s worth it to think about how to have a discussion about it.
Op says
This is really helpful. I think it may be the unstructured time. He gets really antsy if we’re just hanging around the house (and was like that pre kid) while I kind of need a few hours of puttering each weekend to feel refreshed. I like being at home and he finds it confining. I do think that once kiddo is old enough to be into things like museums, zoo, etc my husband will be all about going adventuring. But this age, they’ll do museums, but aren’t really into it yet. A rock is as interesting as anything. Plus it’s hard to get out and still get back for nap. So maybe it’s just a matter of time.
Lorelei gilmore says
If you still are reading: I wouldn’t let baby’s age prevent you from adventures. My husband has always just taken the babies where he goes. (His dream is to leave the house with nothing more than a diaper and a travel pack of wipes stashed in a back pocket.) not my style, but it works for him!
Katala says
Not out of line for feeling how you feel. I would probably feel the same. And it makes me think a little more about how I behave on the weekends (do I disappear and figure DH has the baby? Sometimes…). Still, I would be super pissed if DH ran up a $200+ surprise babysitting bill. I realize all couples handle this stuff differently, but I would be mad not only about the money but also that most of kiddo’s waking hours that weekend were spent with a third party and I didn’t know about it. If dad really needs 20 hours of help, I probably have an opinion on who I’d like that time to be spent with (not that what I’d want can always happen, but some discussion would be warranted).
Fear (or indifference?) of all actual responsibility for kiddo, plus being deeply offended when he takes something you say as questioning his good dad-ness raise flags to me. Is something else possibly going on? Insecurity about parenting ability? Issues around relationship with his dad? Mental health stuff? Loss of interest + excessive need for sleep could be symptoms of depression.
Anonymous says
It sounds like dad (and you?) don’t know what to do with him. 20 month olds are great fun! They give high fives, they find things funny, they make art, they “help” around the house and can help mix and pour for cooking, they want to garden, they love animals and trucks and zoos and construction sites. They play games like “fetch,” they are starting (or are) talking. I’ve seen 20 month olds who can swim, who can kick soccer balls, who can do somersaults. (Not kidding — when I taught swimming lessons, half of all 2.5 year olds were swimming under water. And there was always one or two per class who were swimming before 2 years.)
Sign kiddo up for a Saturday parent child sports class: swimming, soccer, gymnastics. Let dad see that the kid can be competent and actually DO things. Look up Montessori activities for 18 month olds to get ideas for art projects, cooking activities, and games. Help dad pick out two a day, between getting ready, activity and clean up, that should be enough for a toddler. (And the toddler should help with set up and clean up as much as possible.)
The reason toddlers want you to read the same book to them 20 times in a row is because repetition and mastery are basically like cocaine to them. (Seriously — it lights up the same part of the brain.) So instead of getting stuck with a book, get the kid involved in repetition and mastery of a skill or activity that your husband will want to participate in.