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anon says
My FIL has recently decided to start smoking cigarettes. It’s not unreasonable for me to tell him he has to change his clothes and wash his hands if he wants to hold my premature newborn twins right?
Anon says
that is perfectly reasonable! and to get flu shot, covid booster and tdap. i find it odd that someone chooses to start smoking cigarettes late in life.
Anon says
Nope, not unreasonable at all. It goes without saying he can’t smoke near them either.
anon says
Not excessive at all! If you haven’t already, you might want to check with the medical team to see if they advise additional precautions regarding the smoking.
Anon says
+1
Cb says
That’s such a weird choice, is everything ok with him? Is he a secret smoker whose decided to come clean?
Vicky Austin says
+10000000 what even? it’s 2023!
also of course you’re not unreasonable.
anon says
100000% reasonable. MIL smokes like a chimney. We’ve told her this and she reluctantly obliged with #1. #2 is due soon.
We also don’t let her smoke near the house and the door to her room stays closed when she visits (she’s a long flight away and stays overnight with us). The smell travels far and wide, so you may consider setting some further boundaries like where he’s allowed to smoke if he plans to while visiting your home.
anon says
OP here and yeah he’s already gotten mad that I won’t let him smoke on our front porch. My position is if you decide to make a stupid choice, you can deal with the consequences. My husband agrees though is not as direct as I am. FIL makes bad choices generally- quit his job on a whim, foregoing a six-figure payout and about $25k more a year in pension, is totally broke, left his wife, etc. He never smoked, ever, but lives with his 40-something deadbeat girlfriend. She and all his new buddies smoke, so now he does too. Great lesson that it matters who your friends are, no matter how old you are.
anon says
I’m anon at 11:21. My MIL’s backstory is much different but similar undertones in our relationship and overall – er – differences on life choices. She’s a difficult woman, and that’s being generous.
Pro tip: set boundaries and expectations now and stay firm. DH communicates most of this stuff to his mom directly but over the years (child #1/currently our only is 5) I’ve grown to stand my ground just as much as him if put in the position, which I have been. So the whole “leave it 100% to DH to message” advice is well intentioned but not always possible when in the moment. 5-years in to the future you will be glad you did!!
FWIW, we’re requesting proof of most recent covid booster, flu and tdap from her before she sees us after baby arrives. She is not anti vax per se but often cannot be bothered….. and we think she’d lie about it, too. You may consider the same!
Anon says
i feel badly for your DH and MIL. your FIL sounds lovely….
Anonymous says
I think a perfectly reasonable thing to do would be to prohibit all contact. They are preemies!
Clementine says
Posting to manifest this into finding it.
Guys, we can’t find the freaking buckle of one of our Diono seats. 3 kids, we were last using this seat as a high backed booster for OldestKid, but OldestKid has been in a different booster and Bebe is almost ready to outgrow his bucket seat. So now I have a seat missing a super critical part (the main buckle) which must be somewhere in my house but isn’t in the Normal Place it would be.
Where would it be???
Cb says
In the garage? Somewhere in your entryway where you might have dropped it after swapping them over?
Anonymous says
Order a replacement. Before the replacement even arrives, the missing one will appear.
Anonymous says
This is how we find everything.
Anonymous says
This is the way.
Anon says
In the car, in one of those seat back pockets? That’s where I stash stuff like that.
HSAL says
We literally just took the harness straps out of our Diono Radians yesterday, and we’ll never need to turn it back into a car seat. Happy to send if it’s the right fit. It’s not tucked away in the seat, is it? My husband said some of the pieces stayed in there.
Clementine says
You’re AMAZING and I might hit you up on that – lol. Let me go look and make sure it’s not tucked in there…
Also – I went through exactly the places you mentioned. I looked first where we had the carseat stored, then with the ‘stroller accessories’ in the garage, then I looked on the shelves right where you would drop it on your way in the house…
Anonymous says
Working mom opinion:
I do a lot with my elem school PTO, which is a really nice mix of parents- still heavy on women but most of them work at least part time, many full time, and some full time butt in seat downtown type jobs.
For those of you with younger elem kiddos, what would be a good day/time for PTO meetings/adult social events? We are looking to get younger families involved and we recognize a lot has changed in terms of WFH for a lot of people.
Meetings have been 7:30pm, sometimes live with a zoom option and sometimes fully remote/all zoom. Some parents say that’s right in the middle of bedtime and activities, so there’s discussion of moving to noon or 8:30pm. Moving to noon has a lot of support from existing families but we are worried working parents might feel turned off by the time slot, even though many of us work as well! I guess we happen to be a group that can take an hour lunch.
Similarly, we are trying to host some adult social events. One at 7:30pm on a weeknight has crickets for attendees. We are considering a lunchtime event but don’t want it to seem like it’s for SAHMs only (and frankly, the only SAH parents that are super involved still have young kids at home and couldn’t do lunch anyway).
Cb says
I’d do 8:30, all zoom for meetings. You’re never going to please everyone with timing though.
Anon says
so I LOVE wfh and LOVE that there is now a Zoom option for so many things, but I don’t think you can build community the same way on Zoom. I also don’t like when things are hybrid, but I think that is better than all in-person.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I have a K-er so this is a good question!
I feel like WFH varies by person/job a lot. Honestly, a Noon meeting/hang would NOT work for me – I’m hybrid and WFH flexibility is more for avoiding commute, the occasional appointment (doctor, kid stuff) and maybe sneaking in a workout and some household tidying tasks.
I’d prefer the 7:30 or 8 PM slot, but that’s with the awareness that I can get help for bedtime and I’m not juggling activities.
TheElms says
Mom of a 4 year old at a PK3-6, part time biglaw which is roughly equivalent to a fulltime job, and our PTA does 8:30am meetings in person (basically right at the end of school drop off). I’ve been able to make 8:30am in person work. I could also do Noon via zoom or 8:30pm in-person but would prefer zoom. For social events I would try 8:30pm rather than 7:30pm and expect folks to stay for 1 drink / about an hour. I sometimes meet friends for a drink this way.
Anonymous says
Ugh our school does admin/parent meetings at 8:15-9 and NOPE I have a job, it starts at 8, I am remote but I still have meeting at that time every day.
octagon says
Weeknight evenings are really challenging – families with multiples are in chaos-control mode, some families have evening sports, dinner and bedtime schedules are different, etc.
A friend has started a monthly coffee hour as a social/networking thing, from 8:30-9:30 am. It’s actually really well attended – people come after they drop kids off, it’s on a Friday, so I people just start work a little later. You could consider that. Otherwise, I think a lunchtime would work, if you share dates well enough in advance that people can plan for it, and maybe aim for a Monday or Friday when people are less likely to go into the office.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes, I would say the morning or lunchtime on a Friday would be the best well attended. I think most people WFH on Fridays at least.
Our PTO meetings are once a month at 7 or 7:30 I think. With a virtual option. 8 or 8:30pm would work better for me.
NYCer says
My preference is morning events right after drop off. I do not really love evening social events for school, but maybe I am just anti-social. ;) If I am going to go out on a weeknight, I would rather go to a dinner or something with my husband or friends vs. an event with the school parents. If kids are involved, my calculus changes, but I do not think you are asking that!
For zoom meetings, I do think 830 is easier than 7 or 730.
Anon says
Morning right after drop off would be my preference too, although our elementary school doesn’t start until 9 and I can’t imagine many working parents attending a 9 am PTO meeting. To me, that’s more SAHM-y than lunch, but YMMV.
anon. says
The best attended PA events at our school (and the most enjoyable for everyone) are coffee and donuts/ muffins/ whatever before school events. So the play is at 9, parents come at 8:30.
Anonymous says
Lunchtime to me says we don’t care about anyone with jobs
Anon says
Really? I think a lot of working parents can do lunchtime things, especially on Fridays.
anon says
Agree with Anon at 9:56. I would assume it’s a SAHM-oriented group and just ignore it.
AwayEmily says
I kind of agree — and also, that insofar as they DO care about jobs, they only care about exempt workers. Lots of parents at our school work in retail or service industries where they don’t have these flexible hours. There’s a strong implicit classism built into “most people can take an hour lunch.”
Anon. says
Yep, even if this is not your intention if I saw that all meetings are scheduled during business hours my automatic assumption would be that the group is full of SAH parents and feel turned off. That’s probably not fair, but it is my gut reaction.
Mary Moo Cow says
I’m on the PTO board at my school. We do our PTO meetings from 6-7:30, with the idea that you can come from work and be home for bedtime. I would not be excited about an 8:30 Zoom meeting, but I would do it; I absolutely would not show up for an 8:30 in-person meeting because I’m spent after kid bedtime.
Adult only socials have gotten a pretty meh response, much to the chagrin of the person who keeps trying to plan them. The latest idea is a wreath making class on a weeknight or a family friendly happy hour at a local restaurant on a Saturday.
I would be game for a lunch time meeting, as long as they weren’t consistently on the same day and the only meetings (I’m thinking of people like me who are hybrid, with little flexibility on in-office days, and would resent meetings always being on Tuesdays when they have to be in the office.)
Anon says
I would be interested in attending and annoyed by a noon timing (and without the context you shared here would assume it was all SAHPs so would probably deprioritize events i could make in the future since I’d assume I wasn’t the target audience). Strong pref for weekday evenings for both meetings and social events. Also like the suggestions from other posters for morning social events.
Hybrid work, 3 days a week in person, but even when WFH do not have flexibility for random stuff during the middle of the workday.
Anonymous says
Mom of 3: one first grader, two toddlers in day care. I WFH full time: we have evening activities 3x per week (will be more as the twins get older). TBH 7:30 is perfect for me. I could do 8:30 but that’s kind of late. I could probably not make a noon meeting. I know this is regional, but lots of working parents are off on Fridays around here. Echo Cb that you can’t please everyone: choose what works for the people already attending.
anon says
Our PTO alternates months, between in person at 8:30am right after drop-off, and 6:30pm on zoom. I think that’s a good plan because some people find mornings better and some people find evenings better. The noon to me totally sounds like it excludes working parents.
anon says
Two full time parents out of the home + a new K this year/first time elementary school family.
There is no “take a lunch” for either of us in our roles – we’re salaried and our days are just not structured like that. So, after bedtime, 100%. 8/8:30 would be my vote. I cannot do anything during the day. Zoom needs to be an option for all meetings, which it sounds like it is.
Social events during the day I would hard eyeroll at and be annoyed they’re only catered to SAHMs, fwiw, so your instinct is right there. Personally, we’re just absolutely inundated with events in general right now at school, let alone work, so I probably can’t prioritize the time for an additional social event at the moment. Wonder if others feel the same and that may be why your week night event isn’t yielding RSVPs.
Anonymous says
This. I am not going to your PTA meeting or school-based social event no matter when it is. We have too much going on already.
Anon says
our school also does meeting right after school drop off, so meeting is at 7:45am. There is also a Zoom option. Noon I think would be terrible for any sort of in-person attendance. By the time you get there, get home, etc. I think you’d have too many people attend via Zoom and would miss the communal feeling and our school has a lot of people in the medical field who can’t/don’t work from home. Are adult social events for all parents? Just moms? Just dads? As in, do they require a babysitter? We have a breakfast event, right after drop off, later this week. This is our first year in elementary school and honestly one of the biggest challenges for me so far is the lack of advance notice. I basically spend my whole day on calls and I can easily block my calendar, but i need like a month’s notice.
Anonymous says
So our PTO has been doing meetings at 6PM, and extending aftercare and providing pizza for that hour so parents can attend without their kids. Low attendance, but probably the best they can get? I think noon would be extremely difficult, but I could see 8:30PM working, as long as you sent out a lot of reminders because I think people are inclined to collapse at the end of the night.
RE; social events, our school are experimented with grade captains that organize events (which is nice because then you can meet other parents of kids in your class), and there is a dad group that meets. So I would say maybe keeping them smaller and targeted to specific groups might be one strategy, but it’s tough!
Momofthree says
We used to be at a Title 1 school, and PTO was also at 6pm with pizza and childcare. Attendance was pretty good. They would also livestream on Facebook for those that were remote.
I’m now at a different school and we do a combination of right after drop-off or 7:30pm on zoom. We also do coffee/ muffins 1 day a month.
I’m not sure if there’s a perfect time for PTA meetings. From what we’ve heard, the most important thing to do is lay out the schedule far in advance so that people know when they need to attend and can try to plan around it. It can also be helpful to switch up times so that people can attend 1 but maybe not the other.
We’re also experimenting with having a clear topic & inviting a speaker from the school to each session so that people know what will be discussed in the meeting.
In terms of getting families involved, we have room parents for each class that often plan playdates & we’ve also had grade-wide or school wide playdates.
Anon says
Our preschool has a really involved PTO. Last year they had all of their meetings at 7 pm on Zoom or as dinner events and had really terrible attendance. Most people don’t want to coordinate a meeting around bedtime. 6 pm also isn’t really better because you have to coordinate pickup, etc. around it. We also have a really large number of parents at our preschool that have at least one parent in a job that involves travel or long shifts (like surgeons) so the other parent is really just not available during weeknights.
Our last PTO meeting was at 9 am– so right at the tail end of dropoff– and was very well attended. Both with SAHMs and working parents. A lot of the working parents at our school have remote jobs and have more control over their schedules– so starting late on Friday isn’t a big deal. A lunch time meeting would be really poorly attended I think– many of the SAHMs have infants at home that would be napping then. Also, for those of us with remote jobs, we tend to have meetings with clients in different time zones around the lunch hour.
We have also had crickets for any adult only social activities. We have been trying to do a coffee, but there isn’t a good coffee shop close to the preschool, so everything is kind of far away. Playground meetups and family events around holidays have been well attended though.
Anonymous says
Our elem school PTA meetings are at 6:30, and offer pizza and child care. There is a virtual option as well. I don’t know about everyone, but I like the timing since it includes dinner.
AwayEmily says
This is what we do, too.
FP says
I’m on my school’s PTO, and we address this by alternating meetings – every other month, we do a 7 pm, and the other months we do an 8 am right after dropoff. People seem happy with that solution.
The social events also alternate. We do a monthly lunch, and every other month do an evening social event. You’ll never please everyone but this works for our community! We have mostly two working parent households, and it’s heavy on academics and medical (private school next to a university and associated med center). So, in some ways very flexible, and in others, completely inflexible (for clinic hours or teaching times).
Turtlemania says
We do it at 5pm, to coincide with aftercare pickup. That way parents can just stay a little longer that day. We provide pizza and childcare. It’s not perfect (there are some parents who don’t do aftercare), but it’s the best option we could figure out.
Tall girl clothing brands says
What are some good clothing brands for tall girls? My almost-3 year old is extremely tall, and so we’re officially out of “toddler” sizes because she no longer fits into 5T.
Anon says
If you are looking for smaller waist, longer legs, look at Children’s Place. I’ve found that the waist runs smaller than other little girl sizes but the legs are as long, if not longer.
Anon says
I sometimes buy Polarn O Pyret because it is cut longer – I can still dress my kid in toddler clothing even though he’s a kid size in other brands. H&M is also a good bet – a lot (not all) of their clothes go from 2T-8/10 in the same styles.
Mary Moo Cow says
Primary worked well for my tall kids. Also embracing that most pants are going to be high waters.:) Both my kids wore a lot of leggings with tall socks.
Anonymous says
I posted about this a few weeks ago. We’re sticking with Cat & Jack for now. Primary was too short.
Anonymous says
Wow, I have tall kids (98%) but they were not out of 5s before age 3.
What about somewhere like old navy that has XS 4/5? Is your kid still in a diapers? That might be hard since the 4/5s are cut a bit slimmer.
Anon says
Low-stakes – help me absolve my parenting guilt? One of my BFFs has two kids – 3 and 5 – and a super lean out (and very good on paper) job. Because of her bandwidth, her kids do ALL THE THINGS after school and daycare – martial arts, basketball etc. She’s not doing any of this AT me, so it’s not a her thing, it’s a me thing.
She was annoyed her local Y didn’t have swim team for her younger one, because of course they’ve both done swim intensives already, meanwhile my kids are still on their learning journey…
I my kids are similar ages – 2.75 (ha) and almost 6, and we are simply not ready for any evening activities – both kids are zonked by the time we get home. They do additional activities that are offered at their preschool and aftercare, and DS #1 does a swim lesson at the Y on Saturdays, and this feels like more than enough for us. We looked into Cub Scouts but decided to wait until DS #1 was in 1st grade because the change to K has been enough. Also I don’t want to be rushing around driving 2 cranky, hangry kids to activities quite yet. I know there will be a season of this, and just want it to come naturally vs. forcing it.
Anonymous says
This is about confidence and owning your choices. Idk why you even think she’s doing better putting a three year old in swim team to me says toxic nightmare.
Anon says
Yeah this seems way too intense for me. Swim team for a 3 year old!?
Anon2 says
I feel like I’m always banging on about this, but having all those activities for tiny kids is NOT GOOD OR HEALTHY. A 3yo does not need a competitive swim team. Kids that young mostly need to be home, chilling out and having free time (as much as you can swing it).
Please do not feel guilty. She’s probably setting her kids up for a lifetime of achievement-chasing and discontent.
(I have the bandwidth, should I choose. My kids still get to pick just 1-2 activities per season and I know they are better off that way.)
Anon says
There’s no need to attack her choices or imply she’s harming her kids. If it works for their family, then great. Just own your own choices.
Anon says
Disagree, it’s important to push back on hustle culture at any age. The research shows constant activity and striving is not good for kids.
Anon says
Calling it “constant activity and striving” is a needless judgment. Maybe this level of activity is really fun for them. Maybe her kids are delighted in the pool every time and that’s why they do it. Maybe they have tons of friends there. Not every activity is motivated by “hustling” or “achievement.” Sometimes activities like swimming are just plain fun.
Anon says
I think it really depends on the kid. I would have agreed with you a few years ago, but then I had a very extroverted only child who really thrives on organized stuff with peers and somehow we have a kindergartner with three afterschool activities and two weekend activities. It’s much more than some kids (including me as a child) can handle, but trust me that it works for my kid and she is thriving and asking to do even more. I think every kid/family is different and for us it’s not about “hustle” or striving for anything – I have no visions of my kid becoming a star athlete or going to an elite college or anything like that. We just do this stuff because it’s fun for her (she vastly prefers sports/art classes to aftercare, which is incredibly boring at her school) and I can make the schedules work. I don’t judge anyone who can’t or doesn’t want to do this much, and I don’t think you should judge anyone who chooses more activities because it’s right for their family.
Anon says
I take your point, but complaining about there not being a swim team for a *three year old* is beyond. It’s not like she’s looking for basic lessons. From a completely 2D portrait of her in a short comment, I am assuming she’s either a Tiger Mom or a mom who derives her self-worth from all the things her kids do and excel at. Both, objectively, can be very damaging to kids
Anon says
Assuming good intentions — it could also be that it is really, really, really hard to entertain a 3 year old at a swimming pool while the other one swims. I would not have been able to take my 5 year old to a swim practice if I didn’t have something for the 3 year old to do. I would have spent the entire practice keeping my 3 year old out of the pool, and honestly, probably would have bailed on the swimming – even if my older kid really, really wanted to swim. She might have used “swim team” when meaning just a “simultaneous swim activity for her 3 year old.” I rejoiced the day that my younger turned 5 because both kids could do activities at the same time.
Anon says
I interpreted it the same way as Anon at 12:52.
Anonymous says
12:52, at age 5 you can usually drop off and leave with the younger kid. It’s annoying for shorter activities but during a typical 1.5-hour preteam-type sports practice you can actually get to the park or the bookstore or whatever and back.
Anon says
I think this varies. I have to stay in the building at about half my 5 year old’s things, although TBH even when I can leave I usually don’t because an hour isn’t enough to get anything done and I’d rather spend precious kid free time on something fun like reading rather than chores. Maybe I’d feel differently if I had a younger kid with me though.
Anon says
@ 1:13 — absolutely, of course you can. But that’s also four times you are buckling a 3 year old into/out of a car seat, and same rule applies with going to a coffee shop or book store. My 3 year old would touch everything and it would be a huge hassle. As of now, it’s dark and cold by the time most after school activities wrap, and also, again, differing opinions – I would only drop off my 5 year old and leave for a select number of activities, and swim team isn’t one of them. Too may variables with locker rooms, etc. Just saying – the mom may have meant something different than “I’m dying for my 3 year old to compete as an Olympic swimmer starting now!” I also say this as someone who was literally just expressing annoyance with a friend that I can’t drop my 5 and 8 years at a tennis day camp on Indigenous People’s Day not b/c I think I am raising the Williams’ sisters but because I still have to work on Monday, unfortunately.
anon says
+1
Boston Legal Eagle says
Kids don’t need all the things at those ages. Are you saying the 3 year old is in a swim team?! That’s insane if so. Even a 5 year doesn’t need intensive swim.
My older kid (now 7) was the same in K and we didn’t do any weekday night activities. He couldn’t handle it. He does activities now, and it sometimes feels like a lot already. There’s a lot more that I want him to try, but I just can’t add on anymore. Younger kid (almost 5) does no activities beyond daycare and swim lessons once a week.
OP says
LOL no no he’s not on a swim team, she was mildly annoyed that the swim team minimum age was 5, and thus her kids couldn’t do it together.
Thank you – even if my older kid wanted to do all the things, he’s just not ready. We are just content getting home, eating dinner, and doing our nighttime routine. TBQH, sometimes that is tough enough.
I can’t imagine rushing them to activities with a car dinner at this stage, and I don’t really know that I want to at any stage unless they show a strong level of interest and/or need.
Anon says
You don’t have to! Do what works for your family and own it.
Anon says
Yeah I had a moment of this myself when someone I know socially said “oh we do not do any weekend activities, he does karate and soccer on weekdays.” About a 6 year old. My husband and I both work. Me in an office every day. We cannot do activities on the weekdays. Our child does an after school program at school.
My 5 year old does swim and one activity of her choice which is gymnastics right now. On the weekend. Swim to me is a life skill.
Cb says
We do a few activities – Scouts on Monday after aftercare (right next door so we just bring dinner and eat it on the lawn), ukulele and swim for 30 minutes each on the weekend – and they are fun, other than swim, nothing is really necessary?
OP says
You sound a lot like me.
BFF had texted to ask about the Y’s sports, and I had to be clear that we only do what’s offered weekends only, as after school evenings do not work for us and all of the team sports require at least one weeknight.
oil in houston says
just to bring some prespective – our 4 year-old does soccer and karate on weekdays, but only because it’s offered in the afterschool program
Anon says
I’m jealous of all you guys with afterschool programs that offer activities! Ours offers none. I think it’s ok for K-2nd kids but above those ages it’s really boring for the kids.
Mary Moo Cow says
“Good for her, not for me.” Repeat ad nasuem. Easier said than done, I know, but repetition helps.
Just like she’s not doing it AT you, you don’t need be judgmental or cutting back AT her. What works for her family (or she perceives works for her family) doesn’t work for your family right now. That’s it! Neither of you are better parents than the other; you just have different family rhythms, tolerances, values, etc. Don’t feel guilty about it! Nothing to feel guilty about!
anon says
+1 Do what works for your family and your children. It is not universally better to have a ton activities, fewer, or 0. It all depends on the circumstances. My schedule can accommodate a lot of organized activities, but we have few to none, because that works best for us.
Anon says
At the one 3 year old soccer practice I went to, most of the kids were crying. It seemed pointless to me to even try activities at that age but maybe that’s not the norm?
Anon says
I would say most kids crying is not the norm, but activities are definitely optional at that age. If it’s it fun for both the child and parent, great! But if the kid dislikes it or the parents find it stressful, there’s zero reason not to quit.
Anon says
I think your attitude is spot on, but also, if it helps — it could be about her or her kids. I have a neurodiverse 8 year old (ADHD and OCD), and he’s always, always, always needed more structured physical activity. Resting quietly or doing lots of independent play is not, and never has been, his jam. He is so much happier and calmer at home and in school when he’s got lots of activities. His combination of diagnosis also means he hyper focuses on certain sports, and leans all the way in. He is begging me to go to the batting cage or the basketball on days he doesn’t have a practice. Oh, and I’ve really not shared his diagnosis with even close friend because I’ve found people treat him differently, especially when they hear about the OCD.
In addition, he gets this honestly, from me. I really struggle being an at home parent. I’m a really good on the go parent, but I’m a pretty bad at home parent. When the two of us are at our house without a structured activity, we both get bored and frustrated with each other. When we are going to activities, we are best buddies on a mission together, and love chatting sports stats, etc. etc.
I also have a lean out job, and my son also absolutely excels at one of his sports. I’m sure I look like I’m leaning out to foster his involvement in sports and make him some super sports star, but I’m really not — an activity heavy schedule just scratches our unique brain makeup and keeps our relationship close in a way nothing else does.
Anon says
This all makes complete sense to me. Some kids thrive in structured activities (including teams) at younger ages than others. I feel sad you have to defend it so much.
OP says
You sound like a wonderful parent. Thank you for sharing this.
Anon says
<3
anon says
My kids did activities at those ages because they weren’t in daycare or aftercare. My 3 yo only had 6 hours of preschool a week, so it wasn’t too much to add a 45 minute ballet lesson and a 30 minute swim lesson per week. She still had a ton of time to play at home.
My kids at 6 yo were in first grade and had more stamina than they did in kindergarten and could handle 1-2 activities during the week. They did rec soccer and girl scouts (2x a month), plus a weekend swim lesson, and that was enough. But at 6 yo my kids had a nanny and came home to chill after school. Their schedule wasn’t as jam packed as a kid in aftercare or daycare.
I’d feel zero guilt if your kids already have long days.
(I’ll add that my kids do swim team and I’d start with a summer swim team no sooner than as a rising 2nd grader. That’s when kids seem ready socially and emotionally to enjoy the program. The younger kids often seem very stressed).
Sigh says
I feel like and constantly am fighting back against guilt for not doing activities with my kiddos (all under kindergarten age). I signed my 4 year old up for once a week kiddie soccer after daycare and to be honest I regretted it. He outwardly seemed to enjoy it well enough, but I felt bad that he was in a structured environment all day and then went to go spend yet another 45 minutes in a group activity with other kids. The restraint collapse afterward was also real.
We do swimming lessons, but that’s more for safety reasons than anything. And even those go much better on the weekend.
Anonymous says
Two of my kids would be fine watching tv after school until dinner. My other kid could probably run a marathon every morning before school and still need an after school activity. It’s about your kids and what works for your family. I don’t look forward to carting kids around to an activity every day, but I’ve seen the benefits in my oldest so we’re going to try it for the next two. Personally I can really only manage one kid activity on my own so that’s what we’re sticking with for now.
Anonymous says
The problem here is that the other mom is a performative tiger mom, not that your choices are different from her choices. I have a “friend” who complain-brags about stuff like this and it’s exhausting.
Anon says
i have a friend (whose friendship i love for other reasons), but she complains that her local mother doesn’t help out enough with her kids and that when her younger one (now 2) also wants to start doing activities outside of daycare she will need her mom’s help. her older one (1st grade) does dance (once a week), cheer (twice a week), theater (twice a week), and sunday school. some of us don’t have local parents we can ‘force’ to help us schlep our kids and if it is too much for you as the parent logistically it is ok to say no. there is no prize for being the busyiest or most stressed for having to take your kids from place to place.
also – there will always be mom guilt about something. we have a wonderful nanny who has been with our family for 5+ years and on days with random school closures my kids are with our nanny and she takes them to the park, childrens museum, zoo, arboretum, etc. and i sometimes feel guilty that my kids don’t get to do as many camps as some of their friends.
Anon says
“also – there will always be mom guilt about something. we have a wonderful nanny who has been with our family for 5+ years and on days with random school closures my kids are with our nanny and she takes them to the park, childrens museum, zoo, arboretum, etc. and i sometimes feel guilty that my kids don’t get to do as many camps as some of their friends.”
We’re in a similar situation (grandma, not nanny but same end result) and we give the kid the choice. 95% of the time she picks grandma but once in a while we sign her up for a camp. She still whines no matter what but I feel zero guilt when she made the choice.
Anonymous says
I am your friend on paper. Part of this is probably also her kids vs yours.
My kids do a zillion activities (and my 4 y/o was on a swim team!**)because they don’t do aftercare. The younger ones beg to do aftercare bc it’s all one big play date. Our home is on a lovely 3 acre lot in a very suburban town, but we have no real neighbors.
Your kids will be totally and completely fine! Mine have dropped most of the activities they loved at 4/5/6. One of my kids did nothing the fall of K because she was totally cooked after school.
** our summer swim team also included swim lessons. My kid could barely swim at all when she started and at U6 they only swam 12.5m-half the pool- and some kids got a lifeguard “chaperone.” My kids were both U6 with my almost-7 6 year old placing first and my 4 year old just doing her thing to get to the middle of the pool. Winter winter team here is 7+.
Anon says
I’m your friend too although I only have the one kid which definitely makes things easier. I think it’s different when activities replace aftercare. It doesn’t infringe on family time and downtime the same way night and weekend activities do. (In our case I’d love a play date-like aftercare program but we don’t have the option and I’d rather have my kid in organized activities than staring at a screen.)
Anon says
We are expecting our first and we live in a rental apartment with a pretty dangerous staircase. There is an iron hand railing that floats above the stairs so the side is completely open (no wall or barrier) and the gaps between each step are large and open at the back. We are considering some kind of cables or something to block the side and then some kind of plywood or plexiglass backing for the back of each step, but obviously that sounds extremely janky. Is there a better solution? I surprisingly couldn’t find very much that looked promising when googling.
Also, is my landlord obligated to pay for any of this? (CA resident)
Anonymous says
You probably want to just block off the whole staircase with gates at the top and the bottom until you can trust the child to go up and down it safely, which could be 2+ years away if you don’t even have the baby yet. This would be true even if it was a super safe stairway. For the gaps, I think anything temporary is going to look janky; but you won’t necessarily care if it means less supervision/work for you. They make products for this kind of childproofing: https://www.amazon.com/Railing-Net-Proofing-Banister-Protection/dp/B0BM9K1RKJ
In terms of what your landlord is required to do, I’m guessing it depends on local municipal laws, including building codes and tenant protection laws.
Anon says
Some sort of product like this is what we seem to need. We will 100% do wall-mounted gates top and bottom as well, but the way the stairs are, I want netting or blocking as well since a child could climb in from the side at the bottom steps.
Anon says
Interested to see others’ thoughts but we just put up baby gates at the top and bottom of the stairs and didn’t allow our daughter on them (carried her up and down every time). At 2 she’s now very proficient at stairs so she’s allowed on our’s with direct supervision and strict rules (and we’re usually pretty lax about that sort of thing).
Anon says
I’m very sorry to be the bearer of bad news but can you consider moving? This sounds too tricky and potentially very dangerous if not done properly.
The good news is that you have some time to figure it out since most babies won’t be crawling until at least six months.
anon says
+1 to consider moving, and that you have time since babies don’t begin crawling for awhile. If you’re still in the unit when baby starts getting more mobile, I’d try completely blocking the stairs with a baby gate if that would work, rather than trying to make dangerous stair safe.
My neighbor who built their home told me that current (as of a decade or so) building codes in our California city require newly built homes to have backing between the steps. However, I don’t know if retrofits for older homes are required. Nor would I necessarily trust a retrofit done by a landlord who wasn’t super conscientious of these kinds of things.
NYCer says
Honestly, I would consider moving if you can. You have some time, as this will not be an issue right off the bat.
If you can’t move, I would use baby gates at the top and bottom.
anon says
You have time before it’s a huge problem for kiddo and kiddo’s own mobility. DD didn’t start crawling until about 7 mos? But, I’d be afraid to walk up and down that railing carrying baby TBH. In my opinion, your medium-term your answer is to move. Depending on how far along you are, that could give you a solid year / at least buy you time until your lease naturally rolls.
anon says
I agree with moving. You’re not going to want even a 3 or 4 yo on those stairs, as kids can be clumsy and forgetful, and you aren’t going to want to haul a 4 yo up and down the stairs. Until then, you’ll need a baby gate to keep the kid away.
If the stairs aren’t to code you could try to get the landlord to fix them, but that will be an uphill battle if they were like that when you chose the apartment.
Anon says
Thanks all. We’d like to try to make it work before we move (for Reasons that I won’t get into here).
Anonymous says
If you google “bannister guards” you’ll find lots of options.
Anon says
Thank you! That search term seems more fruitful than ones I had tried.
Anon says
If the side of the staircase is completely open, you may want to check your local regulations to see if your landlord is required to do anything. The last borough I lived in forbids that – we had to install plywood on the side of our stairs when we sold our house per the U&O inspector, before the sale could be take place. However, where I live now, anything goes. We have some interesting railings that sort of look like a picket fence with horizontal bars and big gaps. We ended up adding plexiglass over the gaps and it’s been working fine and it visually looks fine. We haven’t had to deal with open risers.
TheElms says
I would google for babyproofing companies in your area. I’d hire one to come take a look. They may have ideas you haven’t thought of. The stairs will always be dangerous but this could help make them as safe as possible.
Momofthree says
100% to this. We lived in an old row house with non-standard size staircases & our local firm did an excellent job, custom made our gates & pointed out some things we weren’t aware of.
Anonymous says
My in-laws used to have a vacation home with open stairs like this but with more of a railing. It was incredibly stressful to go up and down those stairs with kids, and my nephew actually slipped through between the treads once. I know you say you don’t want to move, but this is a huge safety hazard that is nearly impossible to fix. I would not even want to live with those stairs as a very mobile adult.
Anon says
Why do you say it’s nearly impossible to fix?
Anonymous says
There are SO many gaps to close up on all sides, and the surfaces you would need to attach barriers to are often metal or otherwise difficult to drill into. Have you ever seen open stairs without risers?
Stairs says
we have similar stairs but in our house. I believe new construction would be a violation of code but existing (our house is from the 1950s) is grandfathered in. at the very least, nothing was said at the time of sale.
we blocked off the top with gates. the bottom, we instead gated in the playroom so kids couldn’t access stairs as the layout didn’t lend itself to a bottom gate. we added adhesive carpet and a side railing after I slipped down the stairs (no kids involved). it’s still open slat. my neighbors knocked out the stairs and reversed them to fix the issue, but that’s a much larger construction project. and we’ve always emphasized stair safety.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Just caught up on one of the weekend thread posts – interesting discussion on the role of grandparents as kids get older. I’m kind of in the same boat in that my parents were/are very helpful with our little little kids in providing childcare and giving us a break. As they get older though (currently 7 and 5), we’re having to figure out a different dynamic as we don’t really need them to come every Sunday morning to watch the kids as we don’t need as much of a break and kids are starting to have weekend games, etc. So, I’m curious, what do you all see the role of grandparents (particularly those who live nearby) as kids get older? We invite them to our older kid’s games, and my dad picks him up from school two days a week, and will likely do so for the younger one. But what about when they’re both in middle school? I want them to remain close, but at that point, it’s not just childcare.
Anon says
Unless you or your parents had kids young, it will probably happen naturally since grandparents will be necessarily slowing down as your kids approach their teen years. I’m the OP of the weekend post and my parents were 66 and 68 when my kids were born, so they’ll be approaching 80 by the time they enter middle school and I can’t imagine them continuing this level of caregiving at that age. I also feel like older kids should get some say in what they do, and I wouldn’t force a kid to hang out with a grandparent if that wasn’t their preference. Our issue now is more that my early elementary kids adore their grandparents and would happily have them around 24/7.
GCA says
Curious about this as well! At least, from an anthropological standpoint. My grandparents effectively raised me (from a culture where this is pretty much the norm, so it was expected and normal for all three generations involved) and I was very close to them growing up. I used to hang out in my grandmother’s room a lot after school, playing card games and watching soap operas. I think as kids get older, it’ll also be a question of what kind of time *they* want to spend with their grandparents.
(Conversely, my parents seem hesitant to be alone with my kids – who are 8 and 5, so not tiny babies or exhausting toddlers – and require Hosting. I am in the middle of one such bout of Hosting and I am very, very tired.)
Mary Moo Cow says
Our kids are 8 and 6, and we still use grandparents for after school care 2 days a week and occasional overnight sitting (although my MIL told us this weekend that it was too much sooo…) In-laws are 67 and aging rapidly. I see a transition from caregiver to interested spectator happening, especially in middle school. We used to invite grandparents to all the school events, but as they physically deteriorate, we won’t be doing that (not coming to the outdoor fall festival this year, for example.) Instead, with kids’ permission, let them know they are welcome to observe a sports game or sit with us at a recital. We’ll also probably have more family meals than we do now; because we saw them so often for a caregiving handoff during the week, we didn’t feel the need to socialize on the weekends. As our kids age and need less supervision/have more after school activities, I expect we’ll plan more family dinners. And kids will definitely be helping out around grandparents house when they are old enough to mow a lawn, do light home maintenance, etc.!
Anon says
A big thing as kids age is having grandparents who your kids want to hang out with. If grandparents are engaged and non judgmental and good at listening (and as a bonus, fun) your kids will likely still want to hang out with them. If they’re difficult or your kids have grown up seeing spending time with them as an obligation, then they’ll be less interested in doing so.
My 2 middle schoolers adore my parents. My parents don’t do any grand gestures but they’re consistently there for my kids and do have fun with them. For example, my kids got into card games recently (learned them at sleep away camp) and my parents will always play cards or board games with them. My parents also are willing to learn these new to them and at times complicated games. My parents will never be the “take the grandkids to Disney” grandparents, but they are the hang out and play cards every week grandparents.
My kids both play sports and my parents come to about one game a week. We usually have dinner together after the game. If we’re between seasons, we’ll still do dinner together once a week or so.
My kids and my parents have some shared interests. They all like watching professional sports so can talk about that. My mom and my daughter both love reading and they swap book recs. We all play tennis recreationally, so my kids will play with my parents.
I think as kids get older, it’s great to let them develop their own relationships with the grandparents without parents always being involved. We of course still do things as a family, but I love that my kids will text / call my parents on their own to chat or make plans. Yesterday morning my kids informed me that they were going to play tennis and then watch the NFL game with my parents; they had set that up on their own.
I was very very close with my grandfather and once I got a license I’d go visit him (about 10 mins from my parents house) almost every Saturday afternoon. Sometimes I helped him out with something, sometimes we got lunch, but most weeks we just hung out in his apartment. Some weeks I’d be there an hour, some weeks I’d be there for six hours.
Boston Legal Eagle says
This sounds very nice. Yes, my parents have more patience for the endless games/art projects that my kids like to do. I like the idea of more family dinners where everyone can socialize too.
Anon says
My Mom is a spry (knock on wood) 73 and is able to super hands on with my 2.5 and 5.5 year old. She comes over a 1-2x after school to help, as well as on Sunday afternoons. Kids also go to sleepover about once a month (sometimes less, just depends on what we have going on).
If we’re lucky, she’ll be close to 80 (!!!) by the time DS #1 is approaching middle school and DS #2 is in the middle of elementary, and I hope she’ll have a chance to enjoy however she wants and is able to do so, but definitely not as hands-on as she is now!
My ILs are not local, divorced, and FIL is re-married. MIL is turning 70 and is deteriorating due to some health diagnoses. FIL is late 60’s, and if his health holds, I can see him and (slightly younger) wife being more “active” with the kids, but that will be when they visit or when we visit/they do a grandparents-camp type thing.
Anon says
maybe it is because we’ve never had this, but the thought of having free childcare every week for 2-3 hours sounds delightful, and our twins are 5. maybe there is something wrong with me or my DH, but I think we’d both be delighted to ‘outsource’ some of our childrearing responsibilities. we love our kids, love spending time with them, but it is so hard to get stuff down around the house, time to ourselves, etc. we hire babysitters but it’s not always easy to find/kids would rather be with mommy and daddy. though it is probably better our parents don’t live nearby given our situation – my in-laws are not so open to feedback and would just want to be ‘fun’ grandparents and there are some things I disagree with them strongly on, and my mom would’ve been the best grandmother ever, but she passed away. instead we have my dad visiting this weekend and my inlaws visiting the last weekend in October and while they are all helpful with the kids, the kids like mom and dad to be there too versus, please disappear mommy and daddy so we can be with our grandparents
Anon says
Oh I don’t think you’re abnormal. I think most parents would love a few hours a week of help from grandparents, especially ones who are helpful and kind. I’m the person who posted about feeling smothered and we’re currently at way more than a few hours a week, which is where I’m struggling (but at the same time very grateful for the help and the emotional connection they have with our kids).
Emma says
My kid is too young for me to have experienced this as a parent, but I grew up very close to my grandparents. They lived about 45 minutes away, and often came into our city because my parents invited them to plays, restaurants, etc. I also went and stayed with them for spring break or the summer sometimes – I usually attended some sort of camp in their area, and my grandpa would drop me off and pick me up, which allowed my parents to have a week to themselves sometimes. He also tutored me in physics when I was in high school. My grandmother took me on “dates” to go shopping, have tea and cake, or get our nails done, but also liked cultural stuff like plays and museums. Granted, they were young and in pretty good shape, and I know it’s not always that easy for everyone, but they are still alive and we still are close, although they’re very elderly now and it’s hard to connect with them as much. I sometimes complained about spending time with them as a teen, but honestly really treasure those memories now.
Monovalent for under 5 says
Anyone have any inside information on when the newest monovalent booster will be available to under-5? I’m so eager to get it for my 2 year old and 8 month old.
anon says
Is there a monovalent booster coming? Both the newest Pfizer and Moderna boosters for ages 6 mo – 12 are bivalent.
Anon says
I’m pretty sure the current Covid boosters are monovalent. The bivalent boosters were last fall. https://www.nytimes.com/2023/09/11/well/live/covid-vaccine-booster-fall.html
OP, the current booster has been approved for kids as young as 6 months, but you often can’t get vaccines for babies and toddlers at retail pharmacies like CVS. Have you asked your ped or county health dept where to get it for kids?
Anonymous says
Not the OP, but neither retail pharmacies nor peds’ offices have the new boosters for kids <5 in my area. It's only available for kids on Medicaid or without insurance at the local health department.
Monovalent for under 5 says
It’s been approved by the CDC but the AAP has yet to approve dosage guidelines and so our pediatrician and other local providers won’t receive it until AAP green lights administration. And they don’t seem to have any idea when that might be.
Anon says
Oh, I didn’t realize that. How frustrating. I’m sorry.
Anon says
The health center my org is affiliated with is expecting shipments for that age group this week, so check appointments towards the end of the week. I go through my county health department.
Anon says
My kindergartner has mostly adjusted well but in the last couple weeks has been talking a lot about her daycare BFF and asking for a playdate with her. Daycare BFF is in a different school district, so the kids will never again be in school together. The kids were very close, but we never really knew the other girl’s parents and haven’t stayed in touch at all. Is it super weird to reach out now? We host drop off play dates, so it shouldn’t be a big burden to the parents, but I still feel awkward about it.
Not weird says
I don’t think it’s weird at all! I say go for it
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
DS #1 is also a new K-er, and caveat he hasn’t requested the playdate with any old buddies and we haven’t done any playdates in the past.
For me, someone that we wouldn’t have any connection with (e.g. it is not a neighbor, family/family friend, kid’s school) reached out for a playdate, I’d probably politely decline.
Anonymous says
I don’t think it’s weird to reach out but they’re also probably not going to remain close friends if you’re not close with the parents so whatever you decide is ok.
Mary Moo Cow says
It is not weird, but it might not be warmly welcomed. Other kid might not be talking about old school and friends and so other parents might not be looking to keep that connection.
FWIW, one of my kids was super close with a preschool friend and the first meet up in Kindergarten was fun, the next one less so, and the third was a disaster, so the moms tacitly agreed we wouldn’t reach out anymore. My kid stopped asking about pre-school and friends about 3 months after school started and hasn’t looked back. My other kid talked about pre-school about once a week for about a year after leaving. We looked at pictures together and listened to her with sympathy, but we never encouraged it and didn’t keep in touch with any families. YMMV, but this could be a phase for your Kindergartner and it might not be harmful to leave daycare in the past.
OP says
Yeah, the first play date being great and the other ones less so was our experience with other former classmates (my kid was in a mixed age pre-K room so last year she had a bunch of friends go to K while she stayed in daycare), so I’m hoping that if we have a play date or two with this kid it might naturally fade away.
Anon says
the feeling awkward is totally in your head. you can reach out and offer to host a play date and say the parents can stay or go. OR you can not reach out and just tell your daughter that they are busy. i think it is nice for kids to have some friendships outside of school, especially as they get older and there is more drama, i think i would’ve benefited a lot from having more than one friend group
NYCer says
+1. I do not think this is awkward or weird at all. If they say no, you just tell your daughter they are busy. Who knows if this friendship will stick or not, but in general I agree that it never hurts to have friends outside of school.
anon says
My dd is 10 yo and is still BFFs with her friend that she met in 2 yo preschool. They haven’t been in school together in 7 years, but are still consider themselves best friends.
As working parents, we often coordinate with the BFF’s family to enroll the kids in the same summer camps. They both love this. Many of my daughter’s school friends have SAHMs or summer with grandparents, so it’s great to have a friend with a similar need for childcare.
I’d reach out.
Anonymous says
Same, you never know. My 10 year old plays club lacrosse with 3 girls she went to preschool with but has never been in school with. They are in our town but not our school so have done some ripen sports over the years and they will funnel to the same middle school next year so it’s not the same as OP but we laugh that these girls have been bickering since they were 2.5 and the reason they are good at sports together is bc they fight like siblings.
Anon says
one of our daughters likely has ADHD and she currently is in OT, but DH and I are looking for tips to help us with our own frustration tolerance. we’ve tried to start having family movie nights and i don’t like saying this or feeling this way about my child, but it is kind of painful to watch a movie with her – she moves around from place to place, is constantly talking, etc. and in my head i’m like “can’t you just sit still and not talk for an hour” and fortunately those thoughts have remained in my head and not slipped out, but sometimes it is so hard! i know it is not her fault and i try to constantly remind myself of that, provide her with alternate seating options, fidget toys, etc., but even reading bedtime stories isn’t that pleasant anymore. idk what i’m asking for – tips, commiseration, reassurance that i’m not a terrible parent for feeling this way sometimes
NYCer says
How old is your daughter? I think inability to sit still and quietly through an entire movie is extremely common for younger kids, even without ADHD. I realize this doesn’t buy as much downtime for you as a full movie does, but you may want to just try “family watching one or two episodes of a favorite tv show” rather than family movie night? The shorter story lines in a single episode often keep kids engaged longer.
Anonymous says
This. I apparently have a unicorn child who will sit through an entire movie and pay attention, so I was shocked to discover that literally none of her upper elementary peers will actually sit and watch a movie. It’s a “kids these days” thing, not just an ADHD thing. I would drop family movie night and switch to a short TV show or something else that engages her more.
Anon says
+1 Is she your only/oldest child? If so, it’s probably best to find a different family connection activity because this one is having the opposite effect. (If she’s one of many and your other kids like it, then maybe she needs some fidgets or her own chair)
Anonymous says
How old is your daughter? Can you find an activity that won’t be frustrating for her/you?
We recently put our ADHD kid on a pretty strict screen diet and it has worked miracles. Could you do a family walk/bike ride/basketball game instead? My 7 year old started using her big sister’s hoverboard and will zip around on that thing for hours. Hours. I think it was $140 and she’s probably logged 1000+ hours.
I would not recommend card or board games if she is young and easily frustrated.
anon says
You’re allowed to tell her it’s distracting that she doesn’t sit still for the movie. That’s a social expectation and it’s okay to have her work on it. It’s also okay to take a break if she gets too wiggly and have her go run around for a few and then come back to finish, or to break the movie into chunks and work up to longer viewing times. It’s possible that she can’t do it because of ADHD or whatever, but she also may just need to practice and be taught.
octagon says
You are NOT a terrible parent! But you may need to recalibrate how to have family time together that works for your kid. My kiddo has ADHD and we had to build up to movie nights. We started (around age 4.5-5) with 20- or 30-minute shows, but treated it like a movie night: here’s a special treat, no talking, everyone focuses on the entertainment and save all your questions in your head until it’s done. It took a long time before we moved to hour-long shows and then splitting movies into two, and just now at 8 can he manage an entire movie.
Momofthree says
First of all, you’re not a terrible parent. It’s totally normal to be upset that something that your expectations for watching a movie as a family haven’t been met.
I was a huge movie buff as a kid- it was the main activity that I did with my parents. We had movie marathons. We would see every kid appropriate film at the theaters. I had a tv in my room, etc. I was so excited to get to share the activity that I loved with my children. Fast-forward to my kids & it wasn’t until my oldest was basically 6.5 that he would sit through any full length movie. My kids are also scared of most movies. Most of the time when we want to do “movie” night, they ask to watch episodes of their favorite shows or slightly longer versions of Octonauts. They’ve never been to a movie theater. Is it what I thought my time with my kids would look like- nope, not at all. Part of being a parent is grieving the fact that things won’t go the way you thought they’d go before having children and eventually reaching acceptance about it.
I had a similar realization yesterday about events & timing. I thought we could go back to back from Sunday school to fall festival to evening religious event b/c these were all fun things to do that the kids would enjoy! After 2 of my children had 2 separate meltdowns before and after we left a fall festival, I realized that trying to add in a third event was insane. Even if we could make it work logistically, my kids need more down time. They actually enjoy playing at home some times. Sometimes things don’t work out the way you want and that’s hard. It’s ok to be sad but I’ve found it better in the long run to let go of my expectations and try to find the good in the situation (or at least recognize that it won’t be forever).
OP says
she is a twin which makes this a bit more complicated. she is only 5, but even watching a show sitting still is hard
Anonymous says
But watching a show or watching a movie isn’t necessary. She can go play while you do that.
Anon says
Oh at 5 I would say this behavior is still pretty normal. Just because you have another kid who can sit through a movie already doesn’t mean there’s anything “wrong” with your kid who can’t. I agree with letting her go play if she’s not into it. Or maybe let her move around but be in the same room, if she can play quietly? I’ve found that with kids this age it’s hard to expect both sitting still and being silent, but many kids can do one or the other.
Anonymous says
Ok yeah, just split the kids and hold off on family movie night. One of my kids would watch a 3 hour musical at age 5, the other wouldn’t even watch half a Disney film.
The time will come but your one twin just need more time.
Momofthree says
First of all, you’re not a terrible parent. It’s totally normal to be upset that something that your expectations for watching a movie as a family haven’t been met.
I was a huge movie fan as a kid- it was the main activity that I did with my parents. We had movie marathons. We would see every kid appropriate film at the theaters. I had a tv in my room, etc. I was so excited to get to share the activity that I loved with my children. Fast-forward to my kids & it wasn’t until my oldest was basically 6.5 that he would sit through any full length movie. My kids are also scared of most movies. Most of the time when we want to do “movie” night, they ask to watch episodes of their favorite shows or slightly longer versions of Wild Kratts. They’ve never been to a movie theater. Is it what I thought my time with my kids would look like- nope, not at all. Part of being a parent is grieving the fact that things won’t go the way you thought they’d go before having children and eventually reaching acceptance about it.
I had a similar realization yesterday about events & timing. I thought we could go back to back from Sunday school to fall festival to evening religious event b/c these were all fun things to do that the kids would enjoy! After 2 of my children had 2 separate meltdowns before and after we left a fall festival, I realized that trying to add in a third event was insane. Even if we could make it work logistically, my kids need more down time. They actually enjoy playing at home some times. Sometimes things don’t work out the way you want and that’s hard. It’s ok to be sad but I’ve found it better in the long run to let go of my expectations and try to find the good in the situation (or at least recognize that it won’t be forever).
Boston Legal Eagle says
“Part of being a parent is grieving the fact that things won’t go the way you thought they’d go before having children and eventually reaching acceptance about it.” I think this all the time about parenting. Plan all you want, but kids are their own people and everything will have to be recalibrated (I say this as someone who generally likes to plan!)
Anonymous says
I have a child that lives professional sports, especially the Celtics/NBA.
I laugh because I DH and au are the most…uninterested in professional sports people on the planet. I’m taking her to a Celtics game for her bday and just…who am I?!