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Accidents at School says
May repost Monday for more views, but a question: my one and only is 5 and started K this year. She’s had two pee accidents at school this year. School isn’t even a month old at this point (started day after Labor Day) so I’m a little thrown.
Not exaggerating when I say we haven’t had an accident of any kind since she was potty trained in 2021 – not day or night – so over 2 years. She’s been to preschool so she (theoretically) is used to having to wait for the bathroom. She’s vocal, loves her teacher and classroom, so it’s not shyness or anything.
The K classroom has one bathroom right outside the room. If that one is occupied and she was to say “it’s an emergency” the para would take her to another potty down the hall – something I know she’s successfully done before because she told me about going to the “big kid bathroom”. But, evidently both times DD didn’t say it was emergency level and then there was an accident.
We’re going to work with her to help her recognize the need to pee before it’s accident-level but is there any reason this is something I’m not thinking of? Is it just routines and the overall newness of K?
Anon says
Yeah, I think the cause is likely just new routines. They don’t really have to “wait” for the bathroom in preschool normally (at least they didn’t at our daycare, they rushed the kids to the potty at the first hint of having to go). I think kindergarten is a lot different in terms of actually having to wait. I don’t think this is a huge deal, especially if you’re not even a full month into school. My K-er reported that several kids in her class had pee accidents the first few weeks.
OP says
TY. My gut tells me this is all it is but I’m pretty low key though occasionally worry I’m missing a warning sign of something more. Apparently she was embarrassed and didn’t tell anyone about the accident when it happened, and they didn’t notice for a few hours (dark pants today probably helped conceal). Poor girl – we’ll get through it!
Anon says
Also, daycare may have done more reminding kids to go at various points in the day.
Anonymous says
Same here. She’ll be fine. My youngest started K this year and hasn’t had an accident since like 2021. She’s had 2. Both times she was just so caught up she didn’t make it.
It’s been 2 weeks and she’s been fine, so I say give it time and don’t make her feel bad.
Anonymous says
This happen to my kids as well. They are focused on new activities and don’t give themselves enough time to get to the bathroom.
Daycare and preschool teachers (even in pre K year) often have more prompting and reminders around toileting.
We generally recommended they try to pee at recess and at lunch even if they didn’t feel like they had to go.
Anonymous says
Yep, its really common – they get focused on what they are doing and don’t stop, and they may not get as many reminders as in preschool. I would see if she can institute a system of checking at specific times, like before leaving for school, after lunch, etc.
Anon says
I have to preface this by saying I know this is a first world problem, but does anyone have thoughts or advice about telling grandparents to take a step back when they’re being very helpful and not doing anything wrong?
My parents moved to our city in 2020 and have been very involved with our family. It’s been a huge help for me and DH, my kids adore them, and they’re very respectful of our rules and parenting choices (a bit generous with sweets, but that’s not a big issue). We see a ton of them, and it worked very well for the last few years when kids were in daycare and the world was still getting back to normal post-Covid. But as kids get older and our social and activity calendar continues to fill up, I’m finding myself feeling smothered by how much time they spend with us and how often they have our kids at their place. This was touched on in the BOBW thread today, but I think there’s just something about bigger kids and bigger problems that is fundamentally different than parenting little kids. I was happy to hand off a baby or toddler to my parents for a diaper change or story time, but now that my kids are getting to be school age, I want to be the one helping with homework and talking them through friendship drama and it’s hard having my parents (my mom, especially) constantly around being present in these kinds of conversations, even though she’s well-intentioned and not undermining what I’m saying. My husband commented the other day “your mom retired, and is now treating raising our kids as her full-time job” and that’s basically how I feel too. And it doesn’t feel fair to me…she already got to do this. I want to raise my own kids! At the same time, I’m also cognizant of the fact that we don’t hesitate to use them as baby-sitting in situations in which it helps us (summer care, kid-free trips, etc.), and I don’t want to make them feel like we only want them around as childcare providers (and that isn’t true, I genuinely do enjoy spending time with them! Just not to this degree). Is there a way to deliver this message in a way that won’t crush them? They don’t have the strongest EQ, to put it mildly, so I don’t think any kind of hinting will work. I think the only way to get through to them is to be very direct and I’m worried it will really hurt their feelings. But I don’t really want to continue on this way.
Anonymous says
For us boundaries work better when they have the kids at their house. For example they pick the kids up 3 days a week and either drive to activities or have them at their house. DH or I pick up from their house at 5:30. Kids have after school program on other days which I explained as them wanting time with their friends. DH or I do pick up from after school
program.
I do delegate reading together but that still means we do it with them 4/7 nights.
Winter time we have Sunday dinner at their house. Summer time we spend a day at the cottage with them once a month.
‘No, that’s okay. I’ll pick them up but I super appreciate the offer’ is a text I send a lot.
Anon says
Yeah, as you said, there’s something offensive about wanting the free childcare but asking them to step back on the emotional involvement. Isn’t the emotional involvement their reward? I don’t really know what to tell you except that it doesn’t seem fair to take that away when they are giving you SO much. Maybe do some more weekend trips or weekday plans with just your nuclear family or carve out more 1:1 time with your kids, but I think you can do that without altering the grandparent time.
Anon says
And to be clear, my response takes into account that you reported that your mom is well-intentioned and doesn’t undermine you.
Anonymous says
I have a similar problem and find assigning grandma specific tasks and inviting to specific outings work well.
Grandma does dance pickups on Thursdays. She’s invited to home soccer games. We also don’t rely on her for all our childcare. We have brought in sitters and use my money only as backup.
We invite her to fun school events. We schedule grandparent time. But it’s a boundary situation.
Artemis says
I just want to say I hear you loud and clear. It is a challenging situation to be in even though it is tremendously loving and beneficial. It is ok for you to feel this conflict.
I am in this situation with my in-laws which adds another dimension, and also while they are wonderful and have helped us a ton in the last few years (they weren’t around for the infant/toddler years for my first two, involvement started when my third was about 1), now that my kids are in elementary and middle school I feel smothered sometimes. I will add in my situation that they do sometimes undermine us and they do not take constructive criticism well nor do they know how to apologize like mature adults, but we don’t have conflicts that often.
My parents live far away and for various reasons we also often travel as an extended family and it’s very hard to get solo time with my parents because my in laws are almost always tagging along.
So, it is a boundaries issue. I would NOT have an actual conversation about it and risk hurting their feelings deeply no matter what your intentions (good) are. I would just work with your husband to decide what works for you and slowly institute those boundaries on a case-by-case basis and the relationship will naturally evolve. This is what we are doing with my in-laws and it’s working well so far. Day off of school when I’m WFH? No thanks, they don’t need to go to your house, they have chores and friends here for the day.
I am so grateful my kids have four grandparents able to travel and do fun things with them. At the same time, neither my parents nor my in-laws dealt with such a dynamic when they were raising kids. And we are bout to plan our first vacation with just our nuclear family and I am so excited. Good luck! Slow new boundaries.
Anonymous says
Slow new boundaries is such a good way of putting it.
ALC says
We received an autism diagnosis for our 4-yo last week. I’m not really sure what to do with it? He’s already in OT and ST, and we’re on the waitlist to discuss services with the county/public school system. In the meantime, I suppose it’s just helpful information for us. One thing I’m not sure about is who I can/should share this with? I have a consultation with a therapist (for myself) set up for this evening, and I’ll ask her that as well. Most people don’t really need to know, and I almost hesitate to tell the grandparents in case they have outdated ideas about what it means. Any thoughts from folks who’ve been through this would be great, thanks!