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Anonymous says
Ugh I have to attend a Big Meeting wearing a sweater blazer because none of my suits fit and I was not aware until yesterday that I needed to attend the Big Meeting. I did my hair and make up nice, I’m wearing heels (!!), and I’ll act confident so hopefully it counteracts the sweater-y vibes. But ugh.
Anonymous says
These days, I think a sweater blazer would be fine for most big meetings as long as the rest of your outfit is appropriate to the occasion. Confidence will made it a non-issue completely!
anon says
Ugh, I’m right there with you. I don’t feel great about it, but it is what it is.
TheElms says
Often I see junior folks in suits and more senior folks in marginally less formal attire (like a sweater blazer or a sleeved dress with no jacket) that shows more personality and it conveys more authority / confidence. I think a suit just flags you are the junior person (noting that federal court has different rules and everyone wears a suit, except maybe in some jury trial circumstances).
Anonymous says
This.
Signed, currently attending a conference wearing black jeans, a blazer, and sneakers. Only youngsters on the job market are wearing suits.
Anon Elder Millennial says
I wore black jeans to (local) court earlier this week and no one noticed, or if they did they didn’t say anything.
Clementine says
Okay wise women. We’ve narrowed the Christmas Card options down to 2.
1. Neutral with gold foil photo collage card in an envelope. Definitely classy. Free addressing of envelopes. Just need to stuff envelopes and put a stamp on – kids could help and could put in school photos, etc.
2. Green nature-style photo collage postcard. Very heartwarming with a greeting line that either says ‘Let Heaven and Nature Sing’ or ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’. Free addressing so all I need to do is pop on a stamp.
Husband slightly prefers 1 for looks. So ladies – Postcard or regular card.
Cb says
Postcard, less waste!
Anon says
+1
Majority of people will toss these cards out at the end of the season. It pains me to toss out the nice envelopes and cards.
HSAL says
As someone to hangs up all the cards we get, I vote the regular card, because postcards might get beat up in the mail. Plus yes, easy way to distribute school photos.
Anon says
Regular card, postcards never arrive looking as nice as the sender intended.
Liza says
+1 sometimes the post office makes a mark on the “photo” side of the card, of course there’s a postmark on the back, there’s likely to be dirt/scuffs/bent corners. All of which is fine if you’re fine with it.
NLD in NYC says
Team Regular Card.
anon says
Regular card.
Anon says
#1 sounds like more my style
Anon2 says
Regular for sure. I assume it’s basically a postcard inside an envelope? So from the waste perspective, the only addition is the envelope, and you can get a plain white one (that recipients can recycle). I also hang up the cards and the postcard ones never seem as good quality/arrive bent and dirty.
Anonymous says
#2 in an envelope. Second choice #1.
Anonymous says
Can… your husband also help stuff the envelope? Sounds like it’s his preference, so he should share the burden.
Clementine says
He saw the ease of the postcard but when pressed liked the looks of option 2. This is my jurisdiction and Kid #1 will be stuffing them, actually.
Thanks for the input! Going with Option 1!
(Also, I am 100% fine with this because husband handles all thank you notes, which I am AWFUL with.)
Cb says
I think T (5) saves up the tough convos for when I am home? He woke sobbing at 3am, declaring himself “sadder than sad” and then waited til his dad left for work this am to inform me that in his dream, daddy died and he was so sad about it/what happens when we die/who will look after him.
First Jesus (UK schools are way more religious than I had anticipated!) and now death…he declared at the park that he was going to go to Poland once I died….
Anon says
oh i have a 4.5 year old currently very interested in death. it somehow started when DH told her that the queen died and she connected the dots, that death was the same thing that happened to my mom and then one night she was crying about who would put her to bed when i die. parenting is so fun sometimes.
avocado says
My teenager saves up all her tough conversations and then asks to tag along wherever I am going or begs me to drive her somewhere just so she can unload them all in the car. I don’t know what she’ll do once she gets her driver’s license.
busybee says
I did this as a teen. Looking back, it’s because I knew my mom would be slightly distracted. Knowing that the full focus and eye contact wouldn’t be on me made things easier.
Anonymous says
This is just 5. They are starting to understand the larger world and there are questions like this every day.
Hematoma in early pregnancy says
Does anyone have any stories about pregnancy with a hematoma to share?
I had light bleeding at 6 weeks and a big hematoma was discovered on ultrasound. 10 days later it is still there and doctor says that she cannot really tell me what this pregnancy will lead to, which… was not nice to hear. First trimester is always anxiety inducing (at least for me) but this situation is really getting to me, so any advice would be appreciated.
govattymom says
I’m so sorry you are going through this! I had a subchorionic hematoma with my first pregnancy. I went to the ER because I was certain that I was having a miscarriage due to fairly heavy bleeding. The ER discovered the subchorionic hematoma via ultrasound. I don’t believe it impacted the rest of my pregnancy much (although I was already high risk due to other issues and receiving a ton of extra care). I now have a stubborn but adorable 6 year old. Thinking of you! I believe most women with subchorionic hematoma’s go on to have fairly normal pregnancies.
Anon says
Hugs. I had a SCH with my first and had a MAJOR, scary bleed at 8 weeks, followed by spotting for the rest of 1st trimester. DS is now 4!
anon says
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It’s incredibly stressful. Both my BFF and my sister had hematomas, and in both cases, it eventually resolved and they had healthy babies. So there is hope.
Anonymous says
I know several friends who have had significant hematomas with no lasting issues. One of my best friends had a hematoma and bled for 12 weeks straight and everything was fine. It’s relatively common. I’m sorry your doctor worried you so much.
Seafinch says
Currently pregnant and had one this pregnancy. Moderate size visible at 6 and 9 weeks. Remained on blood thinners (I had no bleeding it was only picked up on the scan) and it disappeared. Same scenario with my first pregnancy, it just went away. No one was concerned even this time with the additional thrombo issues/blood thinners. My sister gushed loads of bright red blood for weeks and was also fine. I think many just resolve.
Vicky Austin says
I had a subchorionic hemorrhage at 7 weeks and an ultrasound at that time showed that baby already had a heartbeat, but the tech cautioned me beforehand that it’s still early enough you can’t count on seeing that. Crossing my fingers for you. The hemorrhage was practically undetectable at 8 weeks.
Anonymous says
I’ve had them in two pregnancies. One pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 14 weeks, but it wasn’t because of the hematoma at all. The other pregnancy ended up completely fine. My OB said that the placenta had formed low, but as baby grew, the placenta moved up to a normal position.
OP says
Thank you for all the positive stories. This community always delivers :)
Anotheranon says
If you’re still reading – my SIL had one early in her pregnancy and baby is set to arrive on Monday!
Anon. says
I had a lot of bleeding at 11 weeks and was convinced I was having a miscarriage. My doctor gave me essentially 50-50 odds which was unsettling but I think he was just being cautious. It resolved around 14 weeks and I had a perfectly normal pregnancy and now have a wonderful 5 year old. Wish more people talked about how common this is – found out another friend had a very similar experience after I panicked. Her daughter is now 10.
TOLawyer says
I had this with both of my pregnancies (and also had bleeding around 8-10 weeks) and they both ended with perfect babies. It was SO scary the first time because the doctors essentially said there is nothing they can do, either I would miscarry or I won’t. The second time it was still scary but I felt more prepared/knew it was normal. From what I can recall, it just being there is not a huge deal, you want to monitor whether the bleeding is getting heavier or not. Mine was semi-heavy at first and then petered out. If yours is light and not getting heavier, that is a good sign. The hematoma eventually just disappeared and I hope your does too!
Anon says
just found out one kiddo was exposed to covid at preschool yesterday. fingers crossed we all stay healthy and don’t have to cancel our thanksgiving plans, our first one with extended family since 2019
Anon says
Hugs and good thoughts! My kid has been exposed two or three times since mask mandates ended and has never gotten it.
Anon says
Vacation advice. We are planning a spring-break trip with my mom and sister (sister out of state) for Florida to celebrate milestone birthdays. (Spring break week because of timing of the birthdays/DS has the week of school, etc etc) Now that both kids are over 2, that means 5 plane tickets. Trying to avoid a long layover or super early/late flights so as not to have incredibly cranky kids, I’m getting sticker shock over flight costs. (Like, $700 each, normally more like 3-400). Is this just the prices now? Do you just suck it up or do you change plans? I can’t tell if im being too stingy here- we don’t do a lot of “big” trips.
Anonymous says
That is what plane tickets cost. Just buy them.
Anonymous says
Agree. Especially over spring break. Buy now, they’re only going to go up. I personally suck it up for non stop because I don’t want layovers, but I am willing to travel earlier for cheaper tickets (less likely to be delayed too).
Anonymous says
+1.
Anonymous says
Or change your plans to something in your budget. We have had to do that this year.
Anonymous says
Yup. Family of 5 here. I mentioned this scenario when the discussion of “should I have a 3rd?” Came up last week.
Vacations are super expensive. That’s a downside to have it 3 kids :).
We do a lot of driving and air BNBs, or we book really far in advance. We also try to travel on the same airline to build up points which does help.
Spirograph says
this, this this.
We drive unless it will be more than one day (10 hours) of drive time.
Flying to florida for spring break is always going to be expensive because demand.
Anonymous says
Our threshold for driving is more like 12 hours driving time (so 14-15 hours door to door with stops), and occasionally we’ll even do a 1.5-day road trip with an overnight to avoid renting a car at the destination. For certain destinations we will take Amtrak to avoid both flying and driving.
I’ve found that flight delays and cancellations almost always happen on the second leg of a trip so I like to avoid connections when traveling with the family. I can handle flight issues much better as a solo business traveler than with an anxious husband and kids in tow. If we lived near a hub with direct flights to many destinations I’d probably be more willing to fly with the family.
Anonymous says
Is it during spring break?
Boston Legal Eagle says
If your whole state has spring break that week (looking at you, MA in Feb and April), then prices are definitely higher for that week because they know everyone is trying to travel.
I’m not sure what a reasonable airline ticket is anymore. When we flew from MA to CA as a family of 4 last summer, tickets all in were $3,000 (but I got a slightly upgraded JetBlue ticket).
FVNC says
I think spring break time is going to be one of the most expensive times to travel to FL, so that likely means you just have to suck it up. FWIW, we were thrilled to score “cheap” $600/person flights for our spring break cross-country trip. The only way to go cheaper was to do a red eye, which, no thank you with kids. For this milestone, I’d spend the extra money and enjoy, then maybe cut back on other travel costs throughout the rest of the year to make up for it.
Liza says
This is why families often drive for vacation, even 15+ hours. The cost of plane tickets is enormous, and when you add in kids and start multiplying, yeah, it’s a lot.
$700 pp does sound about right for nonstop flights at attractive times. We are flying at 8 p.m. for Thanksgiving because it saved us a few hundred bucks per ticket. You just have to decide what’s more important to you. Personally I think super late flights are worth it – the kids sleep the whole time.
Mary Moo Cow says
DH just had to talk me down off the ledge because I was shocked at plane tickets to FL for this coming winter. We paid $2k for a family of 4, round trip, one stop each way. The nickel and diming is what got me: fee to pick my seats, fee to pick seats in the middle of the plane (but still in economy), fee to check one bag…it added so much to the base price. But from what I’ve seen on price watchers and travel newsletters, yes, these are just prices now.
Anon says
It sounds like you bought a basic economy seat. It’s often cheaper to buy a regular economy seat (where everything except a checked bag is included) than to buy basic economy and pay for all the extras like carry-ons and seat assignments.
Anonymous says
Yes that’s what happens when you book basic economy
Anon says
Plane tickets are more expensive now generally but in particular spring break is a very expensive time. Airline pricing is smart and takes into account the spring break of the local schools and universities. We’re going to Spain and I found $700 round trip Newark to Spain, but to go from our regional airport to Newark that week was $800, or $1600+ for the combined ticket from our home airport to Spain. It was just that one week – week before or after would have been $300 for the domestic leg alone or <$900 for the combined ticket. I’m sure is not a coincidence that our two major state universities both have spring break that week.
Anon says
Has anyone hired someone to do daycare pickup drop off for a toddler? Any tips on narrowing and finding candidates? I will need one short term after I have baby2.
Did they drive their own car and have the car seat installed? Or drive your car?
anonymous says
If driving is the plan, make sure to talk with your insurance agent—in some situations a rider is necessary/advisable.
NLD in NYC says
I haven’t, but perhaps a responsible teen of a close friend or a college student could work for this temporary gig?
OP says
I would love to but we just moved somewhere new to both of us and so don’t have a network of friends yet. Terrible timing!
NLD in NYC says
Dang it! Do you live near a college? I noticed a nearby school has job boards for pick up/babysitting requests. Good luck! And hugs.
HSAL says
Might not be successful, but I’d try another parent at the daycare.
Bette says
I have this scenario. My husband has to work incredibly early and I travel regularly so we need someone to get the kids up and to daycare 1 or 2 times a week.
I posted on the local parents facebook group needing someone for this time (generally 6 am to 8 am).
A SAHM who lives a couple blocks away responded and she has been a life saver. It’s a win-win because she can watch our kids while her husband is getting their kids ready and then be home with them before her husband leaves for the day. We’re in the NE and pay her $20 an hour. She also does date nights for us too.
Daycare is close enough that she just walks the kids to daycare in the stroller.
Anon says
Tips for having a kid in a small house/apartment? We live in a two-bedroom townhouse-style apartment (rental) and one of the bedrooms is currently used as my office. My spouse and I both WFH full-time (his desk is in the dining area). We don’t want to move unless we must because we have an amazing deal on rent in a VHCOL area and would have to pay 4 digits more to get something comparable nearby, but I’m nervous about a combo nursery/office. I could possibly move my desk into my own bedroom and keep the nursery JUST a nursery, although we’d have to get rid of the dresser to make that work and it would be very cramped. A little other context: we both work 7:30-4:00 ish, don’t work evenings or weekends unless there’s an emergency, and would be looking into full-time daycare once we have the baby. That means the nursery would be open/unused during the workweek. Thoughts on how to do this?
Cb says
We did it until 3.5 and it was totally fine. Baby stayed in with us until 9 months and then we swapped, putting baby into the bigger bedroom where we had a pull out bed for visitors, and we moved into the smaller room. Until baby is mobile, you can leave your desk in the nursery, and even then, it might be doable with a roll top desk or if you carefully managed cords/pens etc.
We moved for more space once it became clear that wfh for my husband was going to be a regular thing and as he approached school age and we wanted a better school option.
Cb says
I wouldn’t want a cramped desk in my bedroom, it would stress me out and cause sleep issues. But baby won’t care.
Anonymous says
My WFH desk was in my bedroom for 2.5 years and it was awful. Finally getting an office set up in another room has done wonders for my sanity.
I would go with combination nursery/office and keep a pack n play in your bedroom for daytime naps even after baby is sleeping in the nursery at night.
AwayEmily says
Combo nursery/office sounds very doable to me. You really don’t need anything in a nursery other than a crib, diaper pail, and place to change them. And even the crib can be a mini-crib or pack-n-play if room is an issue. We currently have our 3rd in the guest bedroom and it’s just a crib pushed against the wall and a changing pad on top of the dresser, plus a bin of clothes. No toys, no decorations, etc. Babies do not care. When she’s old enough we’ll move her in with the big kids.
You may also want to invest in a Slumberpod so that when she is inevitably home sick, you can put her in your room in the slumberpod/pack-n-play and you can keep your office during the day.
Boston Legal Eagle says
“You really don’t need anything in a nursery other than a crib, diaper pail, and place to change them.” – yes, exactly. The nursery doesn’t need much. Before baby is mobile, there is no problem at all with having them sleep in the same room at night as your desk and electronics. Baby will probably sleep in your room in the beginning anyway.
I would plan to re-evaluate when baby is about 1 year.
Anonymous says
Very doable. Crib will be in your room for first year anyway so crib plus office in master seems cramped. For when baby is older, I’d look at some kind of desk set up or room divider that prevents toddler from picking at your desk. Out of sight, out of mind and all that. Ikea has good inspiration for multiuse spaces!
Anonymous says
I mean, idk why you’d assume this. Hardly anyone actually keeps the baby in their room for a full year.
Anonymous says
Maybe she writes policy for the AAP and doesn’t actually have a child.
Anonymous says
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Anonymous says
I have 3 but thanks for the kind response. Very helpful tone.
Anon says
I think it was snark on the AAP who definitely make a lot of tone deaf recommendations.
Anonymous says
How is saying I don’t have an actual child snarking on the AAP? This site would be so much more pleasant if people didn’t react like people are parenting AT them. I also didn’t CIO. I DGAF if other people do or not but I avoid all sleep convos because if you suggest you did anything other than CIO apparently that’s judgy. SO tired of it.
Anon says
She’s saying the people at the AAP don’t have kids because their recommendations are so out of touch with real parents. It’s a joke, I’m sure many of the pediatricians on the committee that drafts these recommendations do have their own kids. But it was definitely aimed at the AAP.
Anonymous says
I totally took this as snark at the AAP for all of their tone deaf recommendations.
anon Silicon Valley says
It depends on who you know and how big their homes are.
I live in a VVHCOL area and know lots of people with small apartments who kept their baby in their room for the first year or longer because of a combination of the AAP recommendations and that more space would be super expensive. I mostly know well-paid professionals–I imagine that room sharing is even more common in my area for families who don’t have high salaries.
Anon says
My kids slept in my room for nearly a year. Not sure why but it really bothered some people. and yes, I have actual children.
Anonymous says
In Canada where it’s been the recommendation for over a decade. I did the full year but I do know people that moved them out in the 6-9 month range for sure. Maybe the longer maternity leave makes a difference? Baby in room is considered part of safe sleep just like putting them to sleep on their backs.
Anon says
The evidence just isn’t that good for it. I mean do it by all means but it’s not as important as putting babies on their back from a safety perspective.
Anon says
+1 the evidence for it, especially after six months, is extremely thin.
Anonymous says
I trust Health Canada, the Canadian Pediatric Society and provincial health authorities to make solid, evidence backed recommendations. The rooming in is a longstanding recommendation in many countries. I can’t imagine how exhausting it would have been to BF if I had to leave the room. I could barely be bothered to get out of bed.
Anonymous says
My daughter has always talked in her sleep. We moved her to her own room (next to hours) at 4 mos because we were so severely sleep deprived. Much safer for everyone if the parents actually get sleep.
Anon says
I moved my daughter at four months when she was usually only breastfeeding once a month. It was fine and I trust her pediatrician that it wasn’t actually unsafe to have a four-month-old on her back in a crib in her own room with a baby monitor.
Anon says
I had a good sleeper and eater, but she stopped needing to eat overnight before 3 months and so we moved her around 6 months when her noises started keeping my husband and me up and then we all slept much better. It was also starting to disrupt her for us to enter the room several hours after her bedtime.
If you look at the actual data, SIDS deaths drop dramatically after six months so any safety benefit of room-sharing is marginal after that point. If you want to have your kid in your room for breastfeeding convenience, that’s totally valid. But it’s not a safety thing.
Anon says
My kid was (still is I think) a very noisy sleeper and none of us were sleeping well at 6 months. With our wonderful ped’s enthusiastic permission we moved her into her own room. The transition was a breeze (ped said it’s much harder later when they have more separation anxiety) and all of us instantly started sleeping soooo much better.
I don’t think you can count on 1 year of room sharing. From talking to our ped it seems like we were very unusual in even making it to six months. She said many people never do it or only last a couple months.
Anon says
It sounds like a combo office nursery could work in your situation since baby would be using the nursery only after work is over. You probably won’t have too many toys if baby is in school full time.
However, I’d suggest you get on daycare waitlists now; most VHCOL cities I know have very long waitlists for daycares, so your daycare availability and the end of your leave may not align (my case for baby #2). In which case you may need to give baby a dedicated nursery space of their own if you need to hire a nanny temporarily and both of you are working from home in different rooms.
FWIW I was in a 2bed/2bath and converted my office to the nursery and moved the office into our bedroom even though kiddo was in daycare full time. It was cramped and ugly but worked for me. My husband does not WFH though. I chose to do this because I couldn’t baby proof the room with my office supplies (so many cables…two filing cabinets) and I had mountains of papers and files I did not want him to get into once he became mobile.
Anonymous says
Doable, but a consideration- what happens on days baby is home sick from daycare (approx 1 million days in the first year)?
Anonymous says
When baby is home sick you aren’t getting any work done anyway.
Anon says
Thanks everyone! I’m relieved to hear that the responses aren’t “are you crazy?! that’ll never work.”
Isabella says
I agree it could be done, but babyproofing will be important. LB is much more mobile than I expected, earlier than I expected and I am very glad I can turn him loose in the nursery.
Anonymous says
Somewhat related to yesterday afternoon’s post, how do you handle relatives with issues about food/body size? My SIL has extremely disordered eating (well beyond just picky) as far as how she classifies food as “clean” or not clean. She loudly goes on and on about her food choices at family gatherings because she wants approval of her choices (or to evangelize about her food choices). She also constantly complains about not being as skinny as she was when she was 20. My kid is 2 and constantly repeating what she hears from adults – sometimes weeks later. Any suggestions for how to handle SIL’s comments? She doesn’t take kindly to different opinions, so just saying “we don’t talk about food like that in our house,” isn’t going to work. How do I address it when my kid inevitably tells me her cheese stick isn’t “clean” or milk is unhealthy a week after Thanksgiving?
Anon says
I really struggle with this too because I don’t want to police people at gatherings, but I also don’t want to set a bad example for the younger generation. In my case, my aunts LOVE to comment on other people’s bodies in a totally unnecessary way – things like “when I was in line at CVS behind a very obese man…” or “I saw Susan the other day and unfortunately she’s still very large…” That’s in addition to mention of calorie counts and weight loss. I don’t want to treat her like a child and say “we don’t talk like that in our house,” but I don’t want that stuff said around kids!! Eagerly following for advice.
Anonymous says
“Did you drop it on the floor? No? Then your cheese stick is clean.”
Anon says
I’m direct and possibly a b*tch so I’d just go with your “we don’t talk about food like that in our house” and then politely ask her to leave if she keeps doing it. My priority is protecting the emotional and physical health of my children, not catering to the unhealthy attention-seeking behavior of adults.
Anon says
I agree, but it’s also a challenge when we know that a relative’s comments are coming from a place of trauma and pain. So many disordered adults today grew up with disordered parents too. It’s all they know, which is SO sad, and while I’m eager to show that women can live life in a different way now, we’ve all seen that it just doesn’t sink in. All that seems to point to setting a firm boundary, like you suggested, but it feels really hard in the moment.
OP says
Thanks for this. She definitely didn’t grow up with disordered parents – if anything, my FIL and MIL indulged all of her food issues and still make completely separate meals. I think my nervousness about setting boundaries comes from the fact that literally no one in her family has ever set one with her. I have a week to practice! :)
blueberries says
+1 my priority is my children’s emotional and physical health
I would have my spouse (assuming SIL is spouse’s sister) call ahead of time and let her know your family’s expectations and ask if that will be a problem.
I’m cold as ice when protecting my kids. People who I think will continue to say really harmful stuff around my kids despite a request not to don’t spend time around my kids.
It depends on the amount/degree of harm and the age of the kid. School age kids are old enough to hear that others have different views and why your family takes the approach you do to food, which is probably sufficient to guard against some diet talk.
But, like, if Auntie wants to give your two year old nutrition lessons that go against what you teach, I’d absolutely not invite her to things where the child is present for a few years.
Anon says
Yup. Protecting your kid from this toxic talk is more important than maintaining piece with SIL.
Anon says
Peace. Ugh
Anonymous says
What your daughter hears in her own home day in, day out matters a lot more than what she hears from one relative on one day. She may try out some of that language for novelty but you should be able to shut it down pretty easily without making a big deal out of it.
Anonymous says
This. Use ‘I don’t agree’ and change the subject a lot.
anon says
I think you can tell your kid that there is nothing not “clean” about cheese sticks or milk and counteract the messages your SIL is spewing out. What a miserable way to live.
I also can’t keep up with my SIL’s dietary … demands. She has celiac’s, that’s 100% legit, but she has self-imposed about a million other restrictions that both don’t make sense and make it very difficult to cook for her. I’m out of sympathy, tbh.
Eek says
I would try to think of it like your SIL is discussing a fringe religion you don’t belong to or agree with. “Some people believe that certain foods are not ‘clean.’ I don’t believe that, and in our house we follow our doctors’ advice to eat many different foods.”
Or even “there is no such thing as clean or unclean food.”
Anon says
Slightly diff but my in laws always say “boys don’t cry! Stop crying!” I immediately follow up with my toddler: “it’s ok to cry. Boys cry. Daddy cries.” I make sure to say it immediately and often it is in the in laws’ presence. Sometimes they will say it again after, and I repeat my spiel again. I don’t care if I’m insulting my in laws; my son is more important.
This is a tactic you could use also. You aren’t directly talking to her, but you are imparting to your son that you (and your partner) disagree with what she said. What’s important is the message your son hears from you even if you can’t change what your SIL says.
SIL: ew string cheese is SO BAD
You: (immediately turning to kiddo) string cheese is not bad. It is a dairy product and helps your bones grow strong. As long as you eat it in moderation it is good for you. *or something to that effect*
Good luck
Anonymous says
I am so sorry you are dealing in 2022 with family members saying boys don’t cry.
OP says
Ugh, that’s awful. SIL also has very…rigid…ideas about gender, so I sympathize. There’s a lot of “girls wear pink,” “mothers should stay at home with their children,” etc. Which I mean, great if that’s what you want to do, but pink washes me out and I like my job.
anon says
CW: Miscarriage
I had a D&C for missed miscarriage four weeks ago. I was about 9 weeks along and they believe the baby likely died when I was at 8 weeks. It was, suffice to say, really horrible. I do not have my period yet – if you had a D&C for first-trimester miscarriage, how long did it take for your period to return? Emotionally I will feel a lot better once I’ve had my first cycle and know that things have returned to normal from that perspective.
Anon says
I’m so sorry. Have you been tracking your HCG? It can take a while to go back to zero in some cases, and your cycle won’t restart until then.
Anonymous says
It was about 5 weeks for me. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Anonymous says
I’m sorry you went through this. I think it was about 7 weeks for me.
anonamama says
I’m so sorry. This happened to me in the spring (9wks) and it was devastating. I can recall the pain you might feel very vividly. I want to say about 2-3 months for mine to come back. Hope you can have the time and space you need to grieve.
Anonymous says
This op-ed in the NYT struck a chord with me. I think there is a big difference between drawing legitimate boundaries, like going no-contact with an abusive family member or staying in a hotel when you visit your parents, and demanding that all relationships exist solely to serve you and have no reciprocal obligations. The overuse of therapy-speak is harmful both because it encourages self-centeredness and because it has a “boy who cried wolf” effect on legitimate boundary-setting. https://www.nytimes.com/2022/11/12/opinion/mental-health-therapy-instagram.html
anon says
I have definitely noticed this trend, as well as tying everything to some sort of attachment wound. I call BS. Sometimes our adult problems are just that, and there isn’t a deep childhood wound that needs to be healed.
Anon says
I agree. I get frustrated when friends want to bail on plans at the last minute AND feel no guilt/remorse about it – I’ve actually had people bail on me and then try to use me to help justify their decision so they don’t have to feel bad about it. If people want to cancel plans, they should be prepared for the vague feelings of guilt and uneasiness that go along with that. It’s on them to deal with those emotions and decide if their action was worth it (and to decide whether the costs to the friendship are worth it).
anon says
Yeah, there is a trend lately of people leaning on the idea of “self-care” to cover up self-centeredness. The overuse of the concept of emotional labor is similar – suddenly some of the basic requirements of human relationship get described with a pejorative term originally coined to describe a specific type of burden typically placed on women that is less visible externally.
Anon says
This is something that rubbed me the wrong way about the book Fair Play – everything seemed so tit-for-tat. I’m glad I read it and it makes some excellent and necessary points, but it seems to reduce the fabric of living together in a family and caring for a home into banal chores that just need to get done.
Anon says
That was really interesting and rings true for me, too. I hate that “happiness” has become the ultimate goal and benchmark for so many of our choices (one could argue that this isn’t new, since it’s in the Declaration of Independence, but it does seem distinctly American!) We have become a society very focused on protecting our own wants above the good of the community (and both sides of the political aisle are guilty, spinning things as a necessary “freedom”). I’m sure an argument can be made that this is gaslighting people with legitimate trauma, etc, and I agree we can’t paint with too broad a brush. But on the whole, we need this type of call-out.
FVNC says
Agree. We (societal we) lament the loss of social networks and communities, but then advocate for self-care-at-all-costs that seems to lead to isolation and inability to deal with the inevitable messy parts of life. Being part of a community means participating in both the good and the bad/messy. Good example of this tension was the discussion on the main board the other day about what life events to show up for (in this case, a SIL’s baby showers for an OP who didn’t like baby showers and was childfree by choice) — lots of people were clamoring about “boundary setting” but others were saying showing up is just what (functional) families do for each other.
Anon says
Yeah, I have recently decided that if I want to live in a community with strong social bonds, which I do, then I have to do my part to make it happen. So I’m doing my best to show up for things – I signed up to be on the board of a community org, trying to deliberately attend community events, cooking for potlucks, etc. Not always what I want to do most at any given moment but also something that you can’t not show up for and then expect to benefit from.
Anon says
Another good example is the thread above where people are suggesting to uninvite SIL from Thanksgiving to “protect their kids.” Protecting from an abuser or is one thing…but from an opinion you disagree with? (Not disagreeing that her statements are problematic, but speaking positive messages to your kids that counteract hers seems like a much more productive way to deal with it!)
anon says
Yeah, SIL sounds annoying but to ask her to leave your home because of her weird food comments? OK, then. That’s a pretty big overreaction.
Anon says
Eh, to me it’s a matter of respect. You don’t throw some out of your home for saying something you disagree with, obviously. But if you’ve had multiple conversations with someone and asked them not to discuss XYZ in front of your kid and they continue doing it against your express wishes, that’s so disrespectful to the host and asking them to leave is not inappropriate.
Fwiw, not estranged from any of my family members or in-laws and most of my friendships date back to high school and college 20+ years ago, so I don’t think I give up on people easily or have difficulty maintaining long relationships. And I def agree with FVNC about the importance of showing up for people. But I also stand up for myself and my nuclear family and won’t let people treat us badly. I don’t think that’s mutually exclusive at all.
Anonymous says
I was the OP there. I would LOVE to have some family events without her, but as my MIL is hosting, I can’t exactly uninvite her.
Anon 2:24 says
With the extra info you’ve provided in comments about SIL, she sounds like a real peach. Your question is a good one and I agree that we need to give our kids scaffolding to help them understand difficult topics (and internalize our own nuclear family’s values). And maybe you should opt out of some family gatherings if they are frequent and onerous! But people telling you to ice her out on Thanksgiving because it might damage your children, without further context or knowing her at all, seems exactly what the op-Ed was reacting to.
Anonymous says
I completely agree with you. I don’t think my own parents did a very good job of teaching me how to deal with difficult family members, so I’m trying to do a better job. My kid needs to learn how to deal with people who have different worldviews, and it’s entirely possible that she will have her own difficult in-laws someday.
We don’t really see SIL much outside of the holidays, so it just seems onerous right now. MIL hosts those. For the most part, she’s “too busy” to come to anything the rest of the year.
Anon says
My 4 year old’s teacher has recommend he be evaluated for sensory issues and we’re in the midst of the process. The state requires that kiddo also undergo a psych eval and IQ test. Any suggestions for how to explain to my 4 yo why he’s meeting with the psychologist/what will happen? So far, he knows nothing. Thanks!
Anon says
We took my 4 year old to OT for sensory issues this year; and we basically explained it as a type of doctor but a fun kind that involves play and no shots (very important for my kid!). She ended up referring to it as a “play doctor” and we didn’t correct her even though it’s not the most precise term. She loved going, and actually still brings it up all the time and says she wishes she could go back. And sometimes she says she wants to be a “play doctor” when she grows up. I imagine a psych at this age is similar in that it involves a lot of play.
Anonymous says
Similarly, my 4 year old calls the OT the “body doctor” (and literally begs to go). You could tell him/her that the psychologist is a “feelings” doctor ?
Anonymous says
We said you are going to play games and do puzzles with a teacher.
OP says
Thanks. These are all helpful. I imagine when he finally gets to OT, it’ll be fun, but it’s helpful to have ideas how to explain what the psych and OT will be.
Anonymous says
Not quite the same thing, but my son has to do PT, wear orthotic braces, and has seizures, so we’ve had to do various specialist visits. We have found you tube videos that show all sorts of things (like what the EEG would look like at the neurologist) as a good way to prep him for what might happen. So, if helpful, see if YouTube has a video that shows what this looks like.
Anon says
talk to me about hand, foot and mouth. how does it spread, what do you do to prevent spread? what do you do to treat? do you stay home if you have it?
Anonymous says
It’s extremely contagious and a very common childhood illness. VERY VERY rarely it can lead to more severe illness in like newborns. There’s kind of no point in trying to stop the spread between siblings because it’s better to get it as a child than as an adult. My kids just had their second round of it this fall because there’s different strains. The pediatrician said wait until there’s no new lesions to resume preschool/activities, but some spots can take over a week to go away.
Anon says
I had only ever heard horror stories, so when my kids had a super mild case last month I didn’t realize until they were nearly to the end of their contagious period. Oops! For us, each kid had one day of malaise (low fever, stomach ache, cranky) then returned to normal, then the blisters appeared a few days later. My oldest just got blisters on his feet, my baby got them on feet, hands, mouth and diaper area (but he was able to eat fine and seemed mostly bothered when we put on shoes), and my middle kid never caught it. We were also around my sister’s three kids a lot and just one caught it.
So yes, stay home for a few days if you know you have it (definitely til fever free and some people say until blisters are gone) and it’s contagious but not crazy contagious in our experience. It was really a non-thing for us.
Anonymous says
One kid had it and got it from summer camp – she had 3 dots on her hand and a fever for literally an hour. However, she gave it to her one year old sister and she ended up with a HFM very red rash that covered her entire body and she really looked like she had a third world country type disease. Several pediatricians in our large practice in a big city came in to confirm that’s what it was when I took her to the dr. She really never felt that bad but it was a solid week before we could even go in public. None of the adults got it. The rash didn’t leave scars, thankfully.
Anon says
My daughter got it and gave it to us. We gave it to kids of our friends after one short dinner. so I’d say it can be pretty contagious and definitely stay away from others given Thanksgiving is next week!
Also, DD was miserable and I was too. Fever. Do not recommend!
Anonymous says
Many of our friends’ kids have it now (one specific preschool class) . Very contagious but usually not very serious abd their doctors told them there is no clear understanding of when it stops being contagious (although there are guidelines for when released back to school). My partner teaches at a middle school that has also had an outbreak and it’s clear that it was transmitted either after someone was cleared to return or by someone who was asymptomatic. It’s also going around area high schools!!
Anon Elder Millennial says
I can be pretty bad in adults. My kid had a fever for one day, missed 2 days of school and was fine. A week later I had a fever that lasted 3 days, and then was fine. The next day, my husband got a fever that lasted 3 days and then massive blisters on his hands, feet and face. Until then we didn’t know it was HFMD. Neither kid nor I had blisters. His blisters were awful and took weeks to heel and then all his skin peeled off, which was as gross and painful as you can imagine. He couldn’t walk much for several days because of them. About a week after I had the fever I got a sore throat, and two days later lost my voice and my throat felt like I had shards of glass in it. I got my voice back after about a week but my throat still hurt for another 3+ weeks after.
Honestly it was significantly worse for us (the adults) than covid (we were vaccinated though). 0/10 would not recommend. But the kid was basically fine!
An.On. says
Definitely try to minimize spread by a lot of handwashing and cleaning in general, and avoid close contact with the infected person, but there’s a lot of variation in who will catch it and how badly they’ll get it. Mostly it’s just a rash and maybe a bit of feeling down. My kid was home from daycare when they had a fever only and had a doctor’s note that they were okay to attend after that point, even though the bumps hadn’t gone away completely.
Anon says
For the last few weeks, one daycare teacher has been making a lot of comments to me and DH about how our kid isn’t doing a good job listening. We’ve had some conversations with our kid about it, talking about the importance of listening to teachers, not talking over friends and teachers and following directions. Yesterday the teacher apparently told my husband at pickup (I wasn’t there) that whatever we’re doing at home “isn’t working” and we need to be doing more to correct this beavhior. I’m not sure what else we could be doing (a punishment like time out seems too remote in time to the misbehavior at this age?). Plus I sort of feel like behavior at school is the teacher’s job to handle, unless it’s very extreme, like my child biting another child or something like that. Not listening well obviously isn’t great but seems fairly normal for a 4-5 year old. Am I way off base here? What would you do in this situation?
Anonymous says
Age 4-5 is pretty different from like biting behavior at age 2. How do you address it if kid talks over you or DH at home? Maybe practice having them wait their turn to speak. I can see how in a class of 4 and 5 year olds it would be disruptive to circle time or whatever if one kid is continually talking over the teacher while they are trying to give instructions.
100% agree that any type of punishment or discipline is too remote. I’d view it more as practicing taking turns talking.
OP says
We definitely correct her when she talks over us, it’s not something we ignore. But she’s also not great at it. From interacting with friends’ kids she doesn’t seem dramatically worse at waiting her turn to talk than other kids her age, but I’m not an expert.
FWIW we didn’t get a ton of detail but it sounds like it is more about not listening and not doing what the teacher says, not about talking over people. But it could be both I guess.
Anonymous says
I would ask for a conference “to help you all get in the same page.” This is an in person convo to have.
blueberries says
If your center is generally good and has realistic expectations for children (so, like, not someplace giving tons of worksheets to 4 year olds), it’s likely that either 1) the teacher needs extra support in how to engage with your child or 2) your child needs extra support to behave as expected, or some combination of the two. Telling you to do more at home doesn’t really help either of these.
I’d ask the director for advice on the situation. In particular, I’d ask if the school is seeing something that would benefit from intervention. If so, I’d ask them to recommend a professional (parenting consultant, psychologist, go to the pediatrician, etc). If you child needs help, you’ll get it. If the teacher is struggling, this clues the director in to provide more support.
Anonymous says
PSA: Double-check safety controls before you let your kid do one of those ubiquitous climbing walls https://blockclubchicago.org/2022/11/16/michigan-parents-suing-navy-pier-after-8-year-olds-horrific-accident-at-climbing-wall-we-thought-he-was-dead/
anon says
That’s horrifying. :( FWIW, two kids in my immediate circle of friends have broken arms on climbing walls, badly enough that surgery was required. And it happened at places that have numerous safety measures in place. It has made me think twice about sending my kid to a climbing wall.
Anonymous says
omg that video is horrible to watch, that poor kid is lucky to be alive.
I’ve never seen a climbing wall like that… everywhere we’ve gone is extremely safety-conscious. either the staff physically checks your belay before you can climb, or (at actual rock gyms) you have to demonstrate you know what you’re doing before they let you anywhere near the wall
Anonymous says
Real rock gyms have tarps attached to the autobelay devices that you have to unclip to access the wall. The idea is that having to unclip the tarp reminds you to clip in to the autobelay. Our gym also recently removed autobelays on the taller wall out of concerns over the risk of failure to clip in.
I only let my kids climb at real climbing gyms, not entertainment complexes. Just like they are only allowed to use the trampoline in an actual gymnastics gym under the supervision of a trained coach, never in a backyard or at a trampoline park.
Anon says
Checking safety is a mandatory part of rock climbing. I’ve gone with friends who gloss over the checks and I always insist. It’s worth it to be “that person.” If you’re teaching your kids how to climb, they should have the entire safety routine memorized before they get on the wall – that includes checking harness, knots, belay devices, and readiness.
anon says
My young toddler’s daycare does a lot of family events in the afternoons (typically once a month, usually around a holiday). I work from home and can attend these events and I think they’re a lot of fun. My husband invariably mentions it to my MIL and SIL, who then ask if they can come too.
They’ve come to the last couple of events and I personally thought it was a little weird. All other attendees were parents of the children. But I also find MIL and SIL kind of annoying so maybe it’s just my personal bias. Is it odd for MIL and SIL to come to family events? Any way we can nicely tell them they’re not exactly invited? Or is this NBD and I’m being uptight? My husband could stop telling them about these events. But 1. he has no problem with them coming and 2. they talk daily and he’s not great at withholding information.
Anon says
I’m biased because I have local parents who go to a lot of these daycare events (sometimes just the two of them, sometimes with me and/or DH), but frankly, yes, I think you’re being uptight. It’s wonderful for both the kid and grandparents to have grandparents attend this kind of thing. My parents are often the only grandparents at school events, but no one has said anything negative to us and several teachers and a couple of other parents have commented positively about how wonderful it is that my parents are close by and involved and want attend this stuff. And I know it means a lot to my kid. Unless your in-laws are doing something inappropriate at the event, I don’t see why you wouldn’t let them attend.
Anon says
I’m biased the other way, but I do think it’s weird. I hated when certain kids would have an entire entourage show up to family events because they kind of took over the event just by sheer number. And selfishly, I used those daycare family events to connect with other working parents who were in a similar dual working household. That’s how I built a network of local parents, which is so important as the kids get older. Having other family members there means you can’t talk to others as much, and also means others are less likely to talk to you.
Can you rotate a bit and have one of them attend in your place? Or have one of them go but be the “photographer” who tries to get good pictures for the kids with no family members there? And quite frankly, your husband’s thing about seeing no issue with them coming is irrelevant. He’s not the one going, you are. Your feelings on weirdness trump his neutrality.
Also he should work on withholding information just because they talk a lot. When the kids get older and don’t want all their details shared with an entire family, it’s a minimum expectation that ne needs to respect their wishes. And he should be respecting yours as well.
Anon says
I get that it might be harder to talk to other parents if you have your own parents or in-laws there (although that hasn’t been my experience personally), but that doesn’t seem like a reason other people shouldn’t bring their parents?
FVNC says
+1. I can remember a couple events where grandparent presence actually enabled my ability to chat with other parents! The grandparents were doing the hands-on kid stuff so the parents could chat among ourselves.
Anon 3:01 says
Yes, that’s been my experience when we attend events with my parents. It’s easier now that my kid is almost 5, but when I had a 1-3.5 year old I was pretty much kid-wrangling 100% of the time and if another adult in our family wasn’t present there was no way I was carrying on any kind of adult conversation.
Although sometimes we send my parents in our stead, which of course interferes with us making connections because we aren’t there. But it’s also nice to not have to attend everything.
Anon says
at our school everyone’s grandparents come all the time. we don’t have local grandparents so ours dont. perhaps DH can mention only some of the events?
FVNC says
I think it’s a bit of both. First, I’m surprised it’s just parents at these events — when my kids were in daycare, lots of grandparents showed up (often instead of parents). So, from that perspective I do not think it’s weird at all for extended family to attend. Second, I think it’s also fine with you to celebrate without MIL and SIL at every event. If there’s a particular party you want to have one-on-one with kiddo (like, decorating cookies at daycare together?) ask your husband not to mention to them. Something like a halloween costume parade? I’d let them come.
Vicky Austin says
For the events themselves, it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal to me.
I’d have a bigger problem with a husband who couldn’t reliably withhold information in talking with his mother.
startup lawyer says
I’m with you lol. that’s awkward. But i guess it’s know your daycare kinda thing. if there are other grandparents then i’d let it go. if your kid is the only one who brings grandparents then i’d tell your in laws to stay home
Anonymous says
This. Just stop mentioning it.
DIL says
Seems like we’re in the minority but I understand your frustration. I get along with my in-laws (but no means genuinely good friends) and I’d prefer to go to these events myself. When my in-laws are there, I feel like I have to “host” them and it takes more energy
Anon says
I feel the same way about my in laws so I can commiserate. Do you think your feelings of finding it weird that they join are partly because you aren’t super fond of them? I only ask because this is the case for me.
I struggle with it a lot because I want my son to have a positive relationship with his paternal grandparents and aunts but not at the expense of my own happiness. I’m trying to figure out a happy medium, but haven’t reached it yet. (Just running into a similar situation where SIL is inviting herself to something my husband and son are going to do that I can’t join).
Fwiw I invited my in laws to my son’s daycare graduation and don’t think it’s weird for extended family to come, but would have been annoyed if they invited themselves. I think there is a difference between extending an invite vs inviting yourself over.