Almond Mom: How Do You Talk To Your Kids about Dieting?
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There has been a TON in the news recently about “almond mom,” and I thought it might make an interesting discussion here. What counted as “healthy eating” in your upbringing (whether messages from parents or others, or the actual way you ate) — and what messages are you teaching your kids? If your parents talked with you about dieting, how did they do it? If you’re trying to lose weight yourself, how do you talk to your kids about it? In general, how are you talking to your kids about diet culture, healthy eating, fatphobia, body positivity/neutrality, and more?
If you’re unfamiliar with the phrase, Self magazine has a good background:
In the videos compiled from [Yolanda] Hadid’s stint on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Yolanda calls Gigi’s body “big and bulky” and complains she “eats like men.” During an episode on Gigi’s birthday, she tells her then teenage daughter she can only “have one night of being bad” then has to “get back on her diet,” before allowing her a single bite of cake. The most troubling of all, however, is a scene in which Gigi calls her mother complaining that she feels “really weak” after only eating “like half an almond” that day. Yolanda’s response? “Have a couple of almonds, and chew them really well.”
Eeesh. I have a lot of complicated feelings about this myself, as someone who’s been dieting since I was 9.
I’ll briefly say that my mom is definitely not an “almond mom” — as someone who grew up in the era of “Get in Shape Girl” and Snackwells (and the heyday of “heroin chic”), there were more than enough messages in society to make me want to diet. The thinking around “healthy eating” when I grew up was that fatty, fried foods were BAD, and exercise was the primary thing that would make you skinny.
Still, I’ve been dieting since I was 9, and, at least since having kids, I’ve largely been unsuccessful at it. I have tried to talk to my kids about how I think of exercise (cardio is great for mood! I want to feel strong when I pick up weights!). I’ve also tried to talk about how there are “sometimes foods,” and how sometimes we have to make choices between a treat now and a treat later. We’ve talked about how no one should be eating until you’re 120% stuffed. We’ve talked about how things like yogurt and fruit are better choices for snacks compared to chips and candy. And yes, I’ve encouraged drinking water when they want a snack (mostly because a) they inevitably just ate when they ask for one, and b) neither one ever drinks enough water).
{related: how to feel comfortable in your own skin: readers’ advice [Corporette]}
Still, after years of moderating comments on this topic at Corporette, I’ve learned that there is NO right way to have any conversations about any of this. The general consensus is that any parental attempt at giving advice, teaching, or informing will screw up the kids somehow. So, I’m sorry, lil’ dudes!
But I think the “almond mom” trend is about more than just “bad advice from moms” — it’s about bad actions from moms on display for their kids, especially their daughters. (I mean, upon some reflection, it almost seems like it’s putting pressure on moms to be absolutely perfect models of healthy eating with no forgiveness for their own stigmas or hangups or disordered eating… It’s a good thing the rest of messages moms get in no way set or reinforce the idea that we have to be perfect!)
Sarcasm aside, though, I have one friend who probably does think she is modeling perfect behavior for her kids. She tries to get 10,000 steps in. She eats primarily vegetables. She’s a big runner and is getting into yoga.
She also strikes me as totally orthorexic — if it’s 9:00 p.m., we’re on vacation, and she hasn’t gotten her steps in, she’ll insist we walk somewhere (like across parking lots and on the berm of six-lane streets) to move more. She recently became vegan, which largely seems like a healthy way for her to have very restricted eating. When we drink, she only will drink if there’s a fairly rare liquor in stock.
{related: body image as a mom}
I don’t know — all of this stuff is difficult, so let’s discuss!
If you’re trying to lose weight yourself, how do you talk to your kids about it? In general, how are you talking to your kids about diet culture, healthy eating, fatphobia, body positivity/neutrality, and more? If you’re consciously trying to distance yourself from the idea of diet culture, what changes have you made in your messages or actions around eating for your kids?
Stock photo via Stencil.
“Almond mom”? Gross.
I think it’s abundantly clear from the last couple of discussions that there are women here passing along a lifetime of disordered eating to their kids which is not surprising but which is really sad. But it’s also clear they’re not in a space to hear it so not sure how this discussion is going to be at all productive.
I’m trying to avoid all the weight/diet discussions, since I agree with the above poster that it won’t be productive here! I will say that I grew up with a mom that always complained about how fat she felt and looked, and it makes me sad looking back on it. As an adult now, I’m fatter than she was then, but I feel OK with myself most days so I think that’s a win.
As for how I talk to my kids about food, I generally follow the Feeding Littles approach and basic intuitive eating concepts. Giving candy and treats in moderation with meals makes it seem less like something to be hoarded and coveted. I don’t know whether it’s working, but our kid is growing appropriately, eats a wide variety of foods, and only bugs me for treats every once in a while, so I think we’re doing OK.
I don’t diet anymore after a lifetime of disordered eating patterns. Intuitive eating and finding exercise I love are the way I live my life now, but I don’t talk about the IE with kids or anyone else (except for my best friend who also practices it). I do talk about exercise with people because we plan trips and adventures together. We talk about which mountain biking trails would be the most fun and the best ways to deal with lower back pain and another non-weight topics.
If I ever diet again for any reason, I won’t be saying a single word about it to my kids.
For anyone who likes fashion, the Every Outfit podcast is generally excellent, but one of the hosts did a vent/primer on the origins of “heroin chic”, the photographers that did that style of photography, and how it was actually kind of counter-cultural in fashion (at the time, and obviously relatively speaking…bc it’s hard for me as a WOC with dark skin and frizzy hair to feel like Kate Moss changed the face of beauty/fashion) because the beauty standards were the OG supermodels with long torsos, big b**bs, long flowing hair, etc. against lavish backdrops.
OMG I have so many feelings about this. I did not participate in the threads last week but read them with interest. I grew up with parents that were definitely fat-phobic, my mom was constantly on a diet and very negative about her own body, I was praised for being thin but also told to “suck in my stomach.”
After some borderline eating disorders through high school, college, and in my early twenties, I’m now healthy, and basically eat whatever I want whenever I want, including donuts, candy, etc when I feel like. I eat dessert after every meal because I have a sweet tooth. I’m actually thinner than I was when I had some pretty disordered eating. My body is clearly at the weight it wants to be at, no matter how much my eating or exercise habits change. But if I was heavier than the norm would I be dieting? Ugh probably.
I am desperate for my kids to not grow up like I did, and become obsessed with counting calories, what they ate all day, and how flat their stomach is. I take a pretty relaxed approach to snacks and treats, we try to model good eating and movement because it’s fun, and we NEVER talk about the size of other people. I hope it works!!!
**runs away from this thread covering my eyes**
Ugh, I ran into this with my mom. She always says “oh I can’t have” this or that food. Hi bulldoze right over that ish and say girls Grammy is just choosing to eat only very specific healthy foods right now; there is nothing wrong with her body. She *can* eat [ bread, milk, whatever].”
Sometimes it’s followed up by “some people focus on what they eat to be more healthy another option is to get lots of exercise.” Followed up by a quick chat about how best foods to power their strong bodies and then back to whatever we were doing.
My kids are allowed to eat all kinds of foods- but they do know what’s best to power their bodies (protein, healthy fat, lots of fruits and veggies). They also eat school lunch, processed food and way too much pasta ;).
It’s important to keep in mind that every child is different and what works for one child may not work for another. The most important thing is to create a positive and healthy environment for your child to grow and thrive in.