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I never used a changing pad cover, but looking at the cracks in my nearly eight-year-old changing pad, maybe I should have.
This changing pad cover is wipeable and washable (for obvious reasons) and has soft, plush, contoured sides. It fits any standard sized changing pad, and while this one has cute little animals, it comes in several other patterns.
This changing pad cover from Cloud Island is $16.99 at Target.
Sales of note for 9.10.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Extra 40% off sale styles
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- Zappos – 26,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
- Old Navy – 40% off everything
- Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs
Gift ideas says
Gifts ideas for 2 year old boy? ~$25 budget (I think this is appropriate amount to spend for daycare friend’s birthday party?) TIA!
Cb says
Go to TJMaxx and get a small set of Picaso Tiles or whatever their knockoff version is?
Anonymous says
play food – like a melissa and doug pizza or ice cream set.
Anon says
I’d go to target and get playdough or something similar. I recently bought math cubes there for $20 that my 2 year old likes. I like the idea of their parents getting a gift receipt and they can exchange it if kiddo already has something similar.
Anonymous says
Is the birthday boy an oldest child? If so, follow suggestions below. if not, I highly recommend an awesome balloon, a book, and some kind of disposable art thing: play doh, stickers, color wonder markers, etc. A dress up outfit is always fun, too: ears, tail, that sort of thing.
My youngest just turned 4 and i had to do “no gifts” or “she really wants art supplies!” because after two older sisters we are busting at the seams with toys.
CCLA says
Agree with this so much!
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I give a GC to Amaz*n, Target, or a local bakery/restaurant (if there’s a place you know they like).
ElisaR says
my go-to is a local store in town and buy a book with a matching little toy. they often have small stuffed animals that match the character of a particular book or that kind of coincide. example: a jungle book with jungle animal finger puppets.
GCA says
Dress up clothes? Bonus: parents don’t need to think about Halloween costume.
And art supplies – dot markers, fun crayons, stickers.
Anonymous says
I would do 2 books (pick your faves, or get a couple Mo Willems pigeon or elephant and piggie series). Or 1 book and a toy/craft, like a Water Wow, those color magic marker things that only work on the special paper, a set of Melissa & Doug stamps, etc.
anonamama says
I recently gifted a $25 gc to a trampoline park with some bath bubbles to a daycare friend, have also done ice cream gc’s and coffee shop/bakery. All were very big hits!
Wallflower says
Stomp rockets are a big hit with this age group
Anon says
Books
Anon says
my twins received the melissa & doug birthday party cake for their 2nd birthday and still play with it 2 years later. I also like crayola color wonder paper and markers
Clementine says
Can people share what they use for a ‘petty cash’ fund for the nanny/au pair? I’m thinking a prepaid debit card I can reload is the way to go?
…does Apple Pay have one of these? We’d rather she have access to cash if needed to pull from an ATM which is why I’m thinking debit vs. credit card.
ElisaR says
we have been doing a ziploc bag of cash…. which i realize is ridiculous. all to say i have not figured this out either.
anon says
We have a small accordion folder, about the size of a check book, that sits in a cabinet. I just reload it weekly with cash. Always like to have at least $40 in there but usually load up to $100 (she doesn’t spend nearly that in a week). We aren’t all that strict with tracking or anything as my nanny is inherently a frugal person, way more than I am, and we trust her a lot. She likes to submit receipts for everything she spends but I’ve told her she doesn’t need to and I just toss them at the end of the week.
NYCer says
This is basically what we do too. It works fine for us.
anon says
FWIW, this is also where we stash the library cards, zoo pass, aquarium pass and anything else kid-centric. it’s actually become a nice little system for sharing things with our nanny when we otherwise just pass in the night.
anon says
We use a Greenlight prepaid card. It’s super easy to manage – we fund it automatically on a set schedule, can easily see all the transactions in an app, etc. It’s the same thing we use with our kids for their allowances. Cash access is tough, though – for a variety of reasons many prepaid cards don’t have ATM access unless you’re withdrawing the entire balance. How often do you expect your nanny to need cash? I will admit that I haven’t used cash other than to tip valets and bellmen in about five years.
Anonymous says
If I were the nanny I’d prefer something like the Greenlight card to cash because it would be harder to accuse me of mismanaging the money.
TheElms says
We talked about this with our nanny and she said she preferred to use her card/cash and just give us a receipt. She leaves the receipts on the kitchen counter and I venmo her the money. I have no idea if this is the “right” answer, but she requested it and it seems easier enough for me. If it helps for context mostly she is buying gas for the car (she drives our car), arts and crafts supplies, snacks for the kids, but she has also bought museum tickets etc.
Anon says
We use an Akimbo prepaid card. It’s free and easy to recharge.
Anon says
I put my nanny as an authorized cardholder on one of our credit cards. This only works if you really trust your nanny but ours has been with us for years and never overspends. I also rarely have cash on hand so this is so much easier for me.
Anonymous says
I have about 20 recipes saved on my phone as notes. It was manageable sort of but I’m adding goals and other to do lists and it’s a lot. What do you use to manage recipes?
anon a mouse says
Paprika is fantastic. It also stores grocery lists — and my specific beloved feature is that you can store multiple grocery lists, so I can separate out what we need for the weekly shops vs what we need for the big costco or Trader Joe runs.
Anon says
+1 to Paprika.
Vicky Austin says
Love Paprika. Ask me anything about it.
SC says
+1 to Paprika. I learned about it from here or the main site, and DH and I have been using it for years.
I also love the multiple grocery lists. I use a separate list for stores like Costco and Trader Joe’s that I don’t go to every week. I’ve even used them to remind myself what to pack in the cooler for vacation.
Marshmallow says
Another vote for Paprika.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I still use Pinterest, and literally ONLY use it for recipes.
anon says
This is exactly what Pinterest is intended for. I don’t both with a special recipe app; Pinterest works just fine for this purpose.
HSAL says
I used to use Pinterest for this, but stopped because I kept running into broken links and lost a couple recipes entirely. Right now I just have a favorites section in my phone browser with recipes but I’m tempted by Paprika.
Anon says
I print them out, slide them in page protectors and keep in a three-ring binder as my own “cookbook” of our family favorites. Also includes sheets torn out of magazines, photocopies from some of my mother’s cookbooks, etc.
Anonymous says
This is exactly what I do. Like the poster below, I have a wireless printer to which I can print directly from my phone or iPad.
gs says
I print them all and put into a binder (with page protectors). We bought a wireless printer so I print right from my phone anytime something seems interesting. I can easily ditch something that’s not a hit. Keeps me from having to unlock my phone 10x while cooking. Also keep my binder on a cookbook stand.
Anon says
I print them out and keep them with my cookbooks.
Anonymous says
OP here. I downloaded paprika on my lunch break and organized all my recipes. This is a great app! Thanks everyone! It warms my heart to see that so many people still print their recipes but that’s just not my style for cooking (I’m super messy). That reminds me to pull my printed recipes into paprika later!
Anonymous says
Woo! I especially love the ability to add ingredients to grocery list by recipe. Enjoy!
Vicky Austin says
Woo! My favorite feature is the ability to add ingredients to the grocery list by recipe. Enjoy!
(Sorry if this double posts, I can’t seem to get my name to save on the moms page.)
Anonymous says
+100 to printing out and using page protectors in a 3-ring binder. It’s easy, low cost, and guards against websites or apps changing. Additional tips from this 36YO Digital Native Millennial who likes paper:
* Only “Tried and Liked” recipes end up in the binder. And I always jot down notes afterwards–the date made and any tweaks, feedback, etc. Super fun to go back and look at notes from 2010.
* Keep a paper folder for “Recipes to Try”–both my husband and I will print and add pages to this folder. It’s great to flip through this and our binder when we’re racking our brains on Sunday meal planning.
* I use Notes on my phone (and a draft in our joint email account) to quickly add in links if not near the printer. This step also helps to cull what we actually print out.
* This one is totally EXTRA and over the top but I love it: I have a formatted template and would sometimes cut + paste text from websites before printing…I especially use it for recipes that can’t fit on one sheet of paper and have a paragraph of unneeded notes and tips. Or when I research a lot and end up combining aspects from a few different sources/recipes
* My recipe binder has tabbed sections: Apps/Soups, Main Dishes – Meat, Veggies/Pasta, Desserts, Other Baked Goods/Breads
* The front of each section has a hand-written list of Favorite Recipes from Cookbooks: recipe name, cookbook, page number. And the corresponding cookbook will have a post-it note.
* For physical cookbooks, I use lots of mini post-it notes to mark recipes– “recipes to try” have a post-it in the top margin and “Tried & Liked” recipe will have the post-it note in the side margin (and will be cross-referenced in my recipe binder)
anon says
Has anyone used care dot com to find a nanny? I see it costs $30 a month and am wondering if it’s worth it. FWIW our need is coming up pretty soon so it wouldn’t actually be a big expense. Open to other ideas on finding a nanny too! I have posted in my local moms FB group but no responses yet.
Atlien says
DH work gives us access (waives the fee) so we have used Care to find a sitter. My work has Bright Horizons and that hooks you up with local nanny staffing services and that would be a great lead as well, if you have either benefit thru work.
Pogo says
+1 my company gives me access to Sittercity and I have been very happy with the quality of the people I’ve hired from there (both one-night date night type person as well as a long-term nanny).
ElisaR says
i found our first nanny on that site. our second nanny i got through word of mouth (texted a bunch of friends that we needed to hire someone and they asked their own nannies if they knew anyone looking which they did.)
SC says
I used care.com to find a nanny years ago. It worked out great. In the last year or so, I’ve used it twice to find sitters and have been happy both times.
Anonymous says
I think it’s worth it, but my experience trying to find regular babysitters was like online dating: lots of people not responding even though it seemed like a perfect fit, some people asking one follow-up question and ghosting, a few saying we weren’t a good fit and good luck in my search. But also much like online dating, it just takes one. I have also found a babysitter on nextdoor. Our city has a special nanny search service which is expensive but they also did all the background checks and initial screening which I liked.
Anonymous says
Yes, we found our one and only nanny on care. I think we lucked out with her: I had to kiss a lot of frogs. But I’ve talked to several nanny agencies and used neighborhood fb groups and never had any luck with either. FWIW, I think nanny agencies pull from the same pool as care dot com.
Anonymous says
I have found several babysitters and a short term nanny on that site. I do a zoom interview first, then have the sitter do a low stakes babysitting gig with us. It has worked out great.
Anon says
We found our incredible nanny of nearly 4 years on Care.com. I have heard others not be so lucky but it worked great for us.
anon says
We’re in a weird spot with babysitting and child care. 2 kids, ages 12 and 8. The 12-year-old can stay home alone for a few hours, no problem, but is not ready to babysit his sibling. (Just … trust me on that. We’re working toward that as a goal, but I can’t see this changing much for quite a while.) 12-year-old obviously bristles at the idea of having a “babysitter” if DH and I want to go anywhere. We don’t have a robust stable of sitters, so if you were in my situation, what kind of person would you be looking for? And where? There is an older family friend (age 16), and that’s worked well because the 12-year-old looks up to him. But if the 16-year-old neighbor isn’t available, we don’t have anybody. I almost feel like we need to find another caring adult to take over because it’s embarrassing/infantilizing for the middle schooler to have a teen sitter.
Anonymous says
Could you have the 12 year old go to a sleepover? And/or have a friend sleep over, making the sitter sort of “for the 8 year old”? Basically let the 12 year old know the sitter is for Sibling, but will be in the same house.
I do think if that doesn’t work that an adult (eg. college student or older- someone that can drive and doesn’t go to school with your 12 year old or his/her friends) is your next best option.
And/or send the 8 year old to a friend’s to sleep over and leave your 12 year old home alone.
Anonymous says
I would just tell the 12 year old – sitter is for sibling but you can hang out with them too. Please be respectful to sitter, like if they say sibling can’t have chips – don’t eat a bunch of chips in front of sibling. Respect them as you would any friend trying to do their job.
anonM says
+1. I used to babysit for a family with two kids, one was maybe 4 and the other like 10? I was obviously mostly focused on the 4yo. Older sibling ate meals with us and was respectful to me, but I let her do her own thing and didn’t baby her. I also did “watch” a 12-14yo (only child) but didn’t call it “babysitting” it was just “watching.” We had a list of chores to do that day, I did most meal prep/cleaning, but mainly just keeping him active/not just on video games and frozen pizza 24/7.
Anonymous says
Our Sitter also “Nannies”” for a family of teens. She picks them up from school, dinner prep, and takes them fun places during the summer/does camp pick up and drop off.
anon says
We used to and I got some interviews from it, but the ultimately hired nanny for me and friends have always been sourced through local nanny/babysitting FB groups for whatever reason. I would not advise against doing it, but also don’t rely entirely on it. I needed full time and a lot of people said they were FT so they showed up in the filter, but upon connecting in real life were not in fact fulltime… took a lot more work than I anticipated to filter through all the candidates.
Pogo says
I feel like I lived a whole day by 9am today – 5yo w/ coughing fit in my bed at 4:15; tossed and turned until 5:30 when toddler woke up and then we were all in bed together. Facetime Dad on his work trip in Europe. Get ready. Out of the house to get them to school/daycare at 7:30, then back because forgot the 5yo’s folder, drop him off, then back again to unload grocery delivering including the toddler’s milk which needed to be delivered to daycare. Driving to the office, on a call, totally on autopilot, and realized I had forgotten the milk at home. Drive back, deliver milk to daycare, finally make it to the office at like 9am.
Anon says
I have a tween daughter who is developing curves early as I did. when I was her age, I was so ashamed of my body that I covered it up as much as possible. I have tried to give her a positive body image. One unintended effect of this is that she wants to wear very revealing clothes. how do I reach her to dress modestly without shaming her and undoing the positive body image? if it’s rules for the sake of rules, she will push back.
Anonymous says
You don’t. Buy her bras if she needs them. Let her wear what she likes unless it’s inappropriate for the occasion. Don’t focus on modesty. Modesty just means hide your body and be ashamed.
Vicky Austin says
What would be the goal of “teaching her to dress modestly”?
Anonymous says
I wonder whether OP means “appropriately” more than “modestly.” It is not appropriate for a tween to dress like an adult who is going clubbing.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I just went to a concert where there were a lot of tween/teens – and isn’t this just how GenZ dresses, and part of the body neutrality of their generation? It’s like the 90’s Delia’s/Nasty Gal/Reformation mashed up.
(excuse my response if this is more of a cultural/religious value in your family)
Anonymous says
There is a difference between body neutrality and “hey, look at me! now I am going to attack you for looking at me!” Gen Z does the latter.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I see it as with GenZ, anything goes with fashion, and while I don’t think a tween in a crop top/short shorts is alone going to change problems with patriarchy, body image, etc. – I do think there’s a valid point made that it shouldn’t matter what you wear, objectification is NOT okay.
Anonymous says
I don’t think it’s okay to objectify oneself and then jump all over other people for noticing.
Anonymous says
guys it’s happening! we’re becoming just like the boomers!!
GCA says
yeah, this is the point where I realize that as a confused geriatric millennial I am firmly in the ‘the kids are all right’ camp on many things (it’s not quiet quitting, it’s doing your job; objectification is not okay) and in the boomer camp on others (some things are better in person).
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
THIS! I refuse to have the attitude that GenX/Boomers had about millennials – how DARE we talk/ask about work/live balance! How DARE we complain about student debt, because they NEVER complained about it/worked 8 jobs and were FINE! They didn’t have paid leave, so why are millennials whining?!
A girl should be able to wear a crop top/short shorts to a concert without worrying that she’s going to be name-called, followed, cat called, etc. If she feels good about her body in those clothes, great! I am here for that energy from GenZ.
Anonymous says
Isn’t “it’s not quiet quitting, it’s doing your job” the non-gen-Z take? I thought it was a gen-Z term. As in
20-something: Look at me, haha, I’m quiet quitting! I am putting one over on The Man!
Tired middle-aged person: No you aren’t; you’re just doing your job but no more.
Anonymous says
So you don’t think that children should dress like, you know, children? Elsewhere in this thread someone mentions that it’s difficult to explain these outfits to tweens who don’t understand se*uality. If they don’t understand it and aren’t even developmentally capable of talking about it, why should they be performing it through their dress, makeup, and manner? Let them wait until they grow up.
Anonymous says
Unlike most people here, I am not in favor of tweens dressing like 20-somethings. You just tell her that it’s not age-appropriate and leave it at that. You are still the parent.
Pogo says
I think you can talk about “dressing for your day” – just like you wouldn’t wear snowpants to the beach, you don’t wear a crop top and cutoff shorts to work or school. If she wants to only wear a sports bra and yoga pants, that’s OK for working out but not school or otherwise going out in public – so maybe give her places/situations she CAN dress however she wants, as an outlet, and then give more structured suggestions for other times?
NYCer says
I agree with this. Also, as a previous poster mentioned, I think it is fine to tell her that a particular outfit is not age appropriate.
Anon says
i think what is so tricky is when schools don’t have dress codes, so then some kids are wearing crop tops and short shorts, and then its like if the school says it is ok it must be appropriate. growing up my school required stomachs and shoulders covered and bottoms had to be finger tip length, which helped save my parents a lot of arguments.
Anonymous says
I don’t let the school dictate my standards.
Pogo says
Then as a parent, I think it is OK to say no crop top and short shorts at school. It is not dressing appropriately for the situation.
Anon says
“We wear school clothes to school. If other kids use bad judgment, that’s their problem. School clothes are what’s appropriate for school.”
Anon says
I agree with this framing. It’s not that crop tops are objectively bad because they show skin, it’s that they’re not appropriate for school.
Anonymous says
There is a lot lot lot lot to this topic obviously but one thing we talk about in our family is “formality” instead of “appropriateness” or “modesty.” Like neither my husband nor I wears shorts to court or to synagogue because we try to dress more formally for those situations and more clothing = more formal. It’s super hard at the tween age where kids really don’t understand sexuality.
Anonymous says
I think “appropriate” is the more accurate term here. Appropriate clothing means clothing that is suited for the occasion or activity. A swimsuit is appropriate for swimming; an evening gown is not. A tutu is not appropriate for hiking because it will get snagged on a tree and you will cry. Etc.
Anonymous says
I see your examples. We are not using formality for physical activity attire but to help understand what “appropriate” means for different indoor contexts. It’s been helpful.
Anonymous says
But more clothing does not always mean more formal. My evening clothes are more formal than my church clothes, but have much less fabric at least on top.
Anonymous says
Right, as I said there is a lot here. Formal / informal is one gradient, fancy/casual is another, active/inactive. I’m not saying formality is the only thing to talk about, just that in some contexts it’s been a helpful tool for us. Jeesh. My husband teaches middle school at a school without a dress code so there is definitely a LOT here in this topic!
Minimum maternity leave? says
What is the soonest you’d be comfortable returning to work in some limited capacity after giving birth? I’m new at my job, don’t qualify for FMLA, and am trying to negotiate leave at a place where apparently no one has needed parental leave in recent memory.
I’m getting pressure to come back very very quickly at least a few hours a week, for reasons that admittedly are legitimate. In theory, my partner could probably arrange some flexible work to watch the baby if it was only a few hours a week. But I’m very stressed out by the idea. This is my third kid, and I’ve always have generous paid leave (12 weeks plus I took some vacation to stretch it a bit) so this is a new experience for me and I don’t really know what’s reasonable.
I’m trying not to set myself up for failure here but it feels like no matter what I do, I lose.
Anonymous says
Do you have short term disability coverage? Usually you cannot work while drawing that. Can you do 8 weeks and then two half days a week until 10 weeks, then 3 half days until 12 weeks?
Only in the US would 12 weeks plus some vacation be considered ‘generous’. I am so amazed but y’alls ability to get back to work. I felt like it was 6 months before I made it out of the house and out of yoga pants on the regular. Basically, it’s your 3rd kid so you have some basis to know how you might feel based on how it went with the other two but you are already superhuman so don’t push yourself too far. Be realistic.
Pogo says
That’s a good point – I do think most employers offer some kind of disability insurance you could use for your leave. And typically your OB will recommend 6 weeks for v-birth and 8 for c-section, so I would base it on that.
I personally wouldn’t want to commit to working before that 8w time frame – you do not know what could happen in the course of giving birth. What if you or the baby ends up in intensive care? You really can’t promise anyone you’re going to be a functioning human within weeks of giving birth.
FMLA just means they have to promise to give you your job back, BUT people go on STD all the time for all sorts of things and they don’t get fired.
OP says
I do have STD and some sick leave available to use. I’m also fine with taking unpaid leave given the circumstances. It’s really just about getting the actual time off.
Anonymous says
So claim STD and then tell them sorry, disability doesn’t allow me to work.
OP says
Thanks for this. It is a very frustrating situation in the U.S. My hope was to take 6 weeks, but I’m feeling pressure to come back even sooner at least on a very limited basis (a few hours a week). Maybe I could negotiate it by zoom, but then I worry about a baby screaming in the background.
I wish there was at least standard so I wasn’t in the position of trying to gauge and explain what’s reasonable to people who have no children or adult children.
Anonymous says
But the question is are you claiming disability?
OP says
I don’t think I understand what this means exactly. I’ve always had leave available so I’m never have to “claim” anything.
If I have time, I will use my sick leave and then potentially some STD. If I’m working then they’ll have to pay me since I obviously can’t work while on STD.
Anonymous says
If you don’t want to work, you choose to claim STD so you won’t be allowed to work.
Anona says
You can’t take std here and there, you’re either in it or not. Your doctor has to sign paperwork, including return to work. You legally cannot return for a few hours while on std. So, that could be a powerful argument for you.
Pogo says
Disability is an insurance claim. The company pays premiums to an insurer that will then cover them for the lost productivity of employees who cannot work due to temporary disability. Therefore, if you work while on disability, you are committing insurance fraud on the company’s behalf. It does make it very black and white in terms of whether you can work.
OP says
Right, I obviously would not claim STD while working even part time! If I’m working at all they will just pay me. So it really is a time issue not a money issue.
Anon says
I think it’s fair to argue a minimum of 6-8 weeks completely off (vaginal/c-section) IS the standard and your OB will back you up on that. My doctor had no issue signing a letter for me stating that- could you ask your’s to do that and then just keep “blaming” the doctor when you’re discussing it with your work.
Also- this sucks so horribly. I’m sorry they’re being awful.
Anon says
This is not optimal, but what I would o consider the bare minimum for an uncomplicated birth for the birthing parent (as somebody who has given birth and adopted, giving birth has an additional healing component).
2 weeks off
2 weeks at 25%
2 weeks at 50%
4 weeks at 75%
Also, we need universal child leave.
Anonymous says
Oh, he11 no. 25% work after 2 weeks? You are lucky to be sleeping 3 hours a night and doing anything but feeding the baby at that point. It was a huge deal that I made it out to dinner and Target at 2 weeks.
Lyssa says
I’m sorry you’ve got a stressful situation. For me, specifically, I am a lawyer, both times was in a fairly friendly and relaxed law firm, both were planned c-sections which were not in any way complex, my husband stays home, so no childcare issues, and both were easy babies. (So, other then the c-sections, which were really not a big deal, I had a very, very easy experience.)
I took 8 weeks, and I think that worked very well. I didn’t love leaving my babies, but it was more like not wanting to get up on Monday morning then the sense of being wildly unready. I think I would have been absolutely fine to go back at 4 weeks if I had had to, though that would have been less ideal.
But again, I had a remarkably easy situation, so I don’t want to tell you that should be fine for you. (That said, I knew a woman who went back to waiting tables in less then a week, so yes, it certainly varies.). Good luck to you!
Lyssa says
By the way, both times I was at firms without FMLA, but everyone was happy to accommodate and work with me. If your employer is not willing to work with you on a reasonable time off, please know that’s not normal or OK.
Anonymous says
I would say no. If you come back just a few hours a week, people will be frustrated by your availability and response time and will be even madder than if you had just stayed out on leave.
Anonymous says
You do realize they don’t have to keep her as an employee right?
anon says
I mean yes, but technically most everyone is an employee at will and could be let go at any minute. In reality, it’s super rare to fire people for cause (at least in my F500 company with lots of HR and legal… it took me over a year to fire someone who was straight up not doing their job, a woman out on maternity leave even for half that time would have contributed more to the company than he did).
Anonymous says
I would imagine their lawyers would caution them against firing someone who just had a baby, even if they weren’t subject to FMLA. The reputational damage from apparently half-a$$ing it is way worse than the reputational damage from being completely out and then coming back strong.
Anon says
I had Worlds Easiest Pregnancies, both planned C-sections with easy recoveries, and babies that slept for long stretches relatively early. So, unicorn situations that are in no way a guarantee, and over which I had very little actual control.
But, under those specific circumstances: I did a 1-day assignment (4-hr hearing) at 5.5 weeks PP with the first and was back at work full time at 8 weeks, and returned to work on a p/t basis beginning with 10 hrs per week at 6 weeks PP with the second. I could have likely started back a little earlier in both cases, if I absolutely had to. But again, unicorn situations that do no describe what is typical for a post partum experience.
SC says
6 weeks is the absolute earliest I would commit to going back to work in any capacity. If you have a difficult birth or a C-section, you’ll need time for your body to heal. I had an easy birth, but my baby was born prematurely, so I was feeding around the clock for the first month, even though I felt good physically. Also, daycares that take infants younger than 6 weeks are rare.
OP says
This is kind of my feeling. Thou I definitely would not be using daycare (the wait lists are so long I can’t get daycare before 6 months out even thou I called when I was less than 2 months pregnant). My partner would be watching the baby the few hours a week while I was in work.
OP says
To clarify, I use and love daycare. I just won’t be using it until later.
Boston Legal Eagle says
How much do you like this job? What they’re saying is pretty unreasonable and is a red flag on their approach to accommodating parents/really anyone with outside responsibilities. I’d think long and hard about whether this is a place I’d like to stay. Yes, I’m aware that the majority of women in America don’t have this choice. But I think in this case, OP might.
I’d tell them 12 weeks (knowing some will be STD, some will be unpaid leave) minimum. I also agree with the poster that they would be dumb to fire you during this time.
OP says
There’s a reason for the request based on the nature of the job that isn’t as unreasonable as it sounds, but I can’t explain without outing myself. Basically my being out at this particular time during the year will impact a lot of people and if I worked even 5-10 hours a week even by zoom, it would mitigate the impact a lot. It’s a timing thing that’s really kind of unfortunate. But I’m just not sure I reasonably *can* do much in this situation.
To answer your question, I really loved it—a lot—until this all happened. Now I’m feeling frustrated and jaded. I don’t know how to explain what those first weeks postpartum are like to people who never have been through it or just don’t remember it.
Anon says
i think you could agree to work 5 hours a week by zoom once you are like 8 weeks out, or maybe 6 weeks out, but i personally could not have formed a cohesive thought at that point. i totally get what you are saying in terms of the time of the year, but what would they do if you g-d forbid suddenly needed brain surgery or were in a car accident or some other kind of unforeseen medical event. i wouldn’t bother trying to explain what the first few weeks postpartum are like, i would (for this particular instance/circumstances) focus on the medical aspects and what your doctor advises. assuming you don’t work in the medical industry, what makes any of these people an expert on how long it takes to require from a medical procedure.
anon says
Ironically, medical providers have some of the worst maternity leave policies. A close relative was a resident when she gave birth, and she went back after taking her 3 weeks of vacation. Fortunately, she had a unicorn pregnancy and birth. Otherwise, supposedly, she would have had to repeat a year of residency. There was no flexibility to extend her residency by her leave time. That makes sense because she had literally one week between the end of residency and fellowship, during which she had to move across the country. It’s all so toxic, particularly with the American Obstetricians and Gynecologists recommending at least 6 weeks of paid leave as “essential”, and the American Academy of Pediatrics recommending breastfeeding for 6 months and having your infant sleep with you for 1 year, both of which would be almost impossible in many residency programs. I don’t understand how the entire medical establishment is able to ignore their colleagues’ evidence-based health recommendations to meet these artificial training deadlines. This is particularly egregious when more than 50% of people accepted to medical school are women, and most physicians are in training until sometimes between 29 and 35.
Anonymous says
I think it’s partially the economic exploitation of residents and partially a hazing ritual.
Anonymous says
I get that they’re making you feel irreplaceable…but the truth is sh*r happens. What if one of your current children had a major medical emergency? You’d take the time off. Or you got in a car accident. Or got cancer. This is the same thing. You put your physical and mental health at risk by going back too soon. I’d draw a line in the sand and say no, I’m not available. File for short term disability and you are not even supposed to check emails when you’re doing that.
anon says
+100
Hopefully you won’t be the only person giving birth at this firm going forward. What you do will set precedent potentially for people to come. I feel strongly that there is a slippery slope when being made an example of, esp in the context of being the only woman/parent/whatever, but this is one case where I might dig in hard and be fully unavailable for those 6 weeks to help the next woman in line.
And, FWIW, I had a very uneventful pregnancy but PPD was unbearable. Lasted for longer than I’m proud of. No history of depression and never saw a therapist in my life until then. You just don’t know.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes, this absolutely. Lots of businesses have busy cycles, and the good ones plan for redundancy and adequate staffing. It’s not on you to solve this for them, no matter how much they make it sound like it is. Pushing employees to come back too soon will lead to a lot of turnover, so it’s really in their benefit to cover leaves like this so employees want to stay (but yeah, not always the case in America).
OP says
I don’t disagree with this and I definitely don’t feel irreplaceable. What I’m trying to figure out is where the line is when you are entitled to zero leave. Im thinking 6 weeks before going back part time but maybe even that’s a little short.
Anon says
yes, what industry is this in. birthing a child is like a major physical event. like my mom had a tumor removed and no one thought it was unreasonable she would need 8-10 weeks to recover, because that’s what her doctor said it would take.
Anon says
I think women should have generous maternity leave for a variety of reasons, but physically a vaginal birth is nothing like major surgery. I had a third degree tear and felt completely back to normal within 2 weeks, and even before I felt normal I could have easily worked at a computer. Unless the job is very strenuous physically or the delivery is unusually complicated, I don’t think there’s a medical reason a woman can’t go back to work much earlier than 12 weeks.
Anon says
i would plan on at least 12 weeks, and then you can always go back sooner. my leave was combo short term disability and unpaid FMLA and then I ultimately ended up going back at 14 weeks, but I had a rough delivery and physically there is no way I couldve gone back at 6 or 8 weeks, though I have a friend who was in the middle of residency and she had to go back after 8 weeks
Check your state laws says
Do you live in a state with additional protections beyond FMLA?
In California, Pregnancy Disability Leave covers employees without a length of service requirement. That would provide partially paid (through social insurance) leave for at minimum 4 weeks prior to the due date and 6 weeks after the delivery.
I think New York and some other liberal states also have similar additional protections.
OP says
Good point. Unfortunately my state is zero help.
Check your state laws says
OP, I’m sorry. That’s so crummy.
Pogo says
Massachusetts also offers paid family leave. It’s not much but it is something.
Anon says
If this is your third kid, you probably know better than anyone how your recoveries go. I had an uncomplicated vaginal birth and honestly could have gone back to work on a part time basis at about 1 week postpartum. The hardest part would have been finding childcare, since daycares don’t normally take children younger than 6 weeks. But if your husband or other family members can watch the baby, I think it can work if you have no other choice. My MIL was an academic in an era where that was rare for women and she attended a faculty meeting the day she came up home from the hospital with my husband. I think it’s horrifying she felt she had to do that, but she made it work.
Anonymous says
I went back to work after 6 weeks with my first two births. It was not ideal, but it was fine. I could have taken more time, but it would have been unpaid. I was the sole/primary income earner, so longer unpaid leave was not a reasonable option. I could have done a few hours a week, especially if it were remote, as early as two weeks.
Anon says
Has anyone quit a job because of a long commute not working with childcare schedules?
Recently returned to the office after being remote 2+ years and have a long commute and am in charge of daycare pick up drop off. As you can imagine it is not easy for me or kiddos (long days for them). Being asked to come into the office more. It could work, but not without adding significant stress to my life and kids’ lives. Not sure if this is worth it. Had been considering leaving so maybe this is the impetus I needed?
Anon says
That sounds awful, I would 100% quit if you can afford it. Maybe an unpopular opinion, but I would much rather go back to the office a few weeks postpartum (which is a temporary situation, and babies don’t notice your absence) than have this kind of commute with toddlers or older kids.
Anon says
i have not, but i think this is a reasonable reason to quit and i might in that scenario. were you doing this same job in-person with the same childcare prior to covid? it might be a reason to quit this job, but you could also try to find a job with a hybrid schedule or a job closer to home? my former boss had/has a long commute and she would be in the office from like 9:30-3:30, would take calls from the car and work some in the evening.
Anonymous says
Um yes absolutely.
Anonymous says
Of course people have! Start looking!
anon for this says
If you like the job then it’s worth trying to figure out a solution, whether that’s flexed hours, or more paid childcare or working in the evenings to make up time. But if you already are on your way out then push back. Businesses are trying to figure out exactly how much they can extract from employees without pushback. We’ve lost several good candidates because we don’t have flexible WFH options, and after the latest round senior management is FINALLY reconsidering whether they need to pay a lot more or be more flexible in order to fill vacant positions. Depending on your industry, you’ll almost certainly be able to find something else that has better remote options.
anon says
One of the reasons I just put my notice is because five days a week at work with an hour commute each way (which included daycare pickup and drop off) was too draining.
Anon says
uch, were you in the office throughout the pandemic? i just don’t understand the need for 5 days in-person for MOST jobs these days
No Face says
I would simultaneous ask to come in less and start looking for another job. I have always been unwilling to endure a long commute.
Spirograph says
I didn’t quit with nothing lined up, but my previous job’s long commute because a much bigger factor for me once I had kids. Both because I wanted to spend more time with them, and because of daycare hours. I specifically looked for a new job that was close to home. I have to say, after years of a typical DC area commute (45 minutes on a good day), having a 15 minute commute that did not involve the beltway was life-changing in the best way.
OP says
Thanks all. Just needed some external validation. My commute is 1hr 10 min on a very good day. On a bad day with subway delays and missed trains it can be 2. Average is 1.5hrs.
SF says
We had “back to school breakfast” for my new kinder. And now I’m stressed about the expectations around reading, the “homework” and the at home math assessment that needs to be completed by Friday but he’s in aftercare until about 5 every day and then totally exhausted/spent during our rush to bedtime. Plus I’m alone with the kids this week while my husband travels for work. My son LOVES learning and I don’t want to ruin it by telling him what he has to do, but maybe that’s impractical. How do you make sight words fun?
Anon says
My kinder was always exhausted in the evening. I’d look at time before school, even if it’s in the car or while you’re making lunches.
Personally, I don’t believe in cramming sight words. Kids should learn phonics and will pick up sight words as they practice sounding out words. We just focused on reading together daily–they’d read something to me (e.g., a Bob book) and then I’d read to them for much longer.
SC says
I’ve prioritized keeping learning fun over speedy progress. I refuse to drill sight words and just let my kid keep picking out books for us to read together, and lately for him to read to himself. He hasn’t fallen behind grade level (but he’s not above it either). I don’t want to take the fun out of reading as long as I believe he’ll get there at his own pace.
For a one-time thing like the math assessment, I’d probably reach out to the teacher, tell her your situation, and say you’ll do it over the weekend. The teacher will be assessing students at the beginning of the year anyways.
For daily homework, if aftercare doesn’t make the kids do their homework, then I’d try to find time in the mornings when he’s fresh. It shouldn’t be more than a few minutes. I’d frame it as a warmup to the day. And absolutely, I’d focus on time (5-10 minutes) rather than completion.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes, I too thought sight words aren’t the best way to learn reading. They do sight words at our daycare Pre-K but it wasn’t until he learned phonics in K that my son really learned to read and sound out words.
Anon says
Sight words are outdated thinking and not best practice.
anon says
Correct. It’s rote memorization of how something looks with absolutely no understanding of the concept.
HSAL says
Our K did a combination of sight words and phonics last year and I thought it worked very well. There are so many common words that DON’T work with the rules of phonics. Memorizing the hundred most frequently used words gets them able to read a lot of early reader books, and they can use phonics to fill in the other words. We spent MAYBE five minutes a week at home reviewing the new sight words and she’s a great reader.
Anonymous says
Yes, the proper purpose of sight words is to teach kids to recognize common words that defy the rules of phonics. Yay English.
Anon says
Omg don’t get me started on this! My BFF is convinced she taught her barely 4 year old to “read” by having him memorize hundreds of sight words on flashcards. The kid cannot even begin to sound out words (understandably, since he’s very young). That’s not “reading” – it’s memorization!
Boston Legal Eagle says
The only “homework” we did with my then K-er was reading from razkids for no more than an hour (often less) on the weekends. And this wasn’t until January or so. Beyond that, we read to him every night, which is part of our bedtime routine anyway, and should be more than enough. Kindergarten is very exhausting for most kids – they have to adjust to so many new routines, on top of the higher expectations of learning and sitting still in class. I would not put any additional pressure on at home (I think it’s counterintuitive at this age anyway). Have you talked to the teacher about what the actual “assignments” are?
Anonymous says
Is there homework time at aftercare?
OP says
there is homework time in aftercare but he’s been doing what he wants to do. Like practicing his letters or some made up math. I haven’t found a great way to communicate what the teacher says is supposed to happen.
It’s minimal homework- just the math assessment started stressing me out.
Anonymous says
I think it’s worth a conversation with aftercare. In early elementary there is usually a system that the school uses to help kids and parents keep track of homework. At ours it’s a two-pocket folder with one pocket for assignments going home and another pocket for completed assignments going back to school. We were able to get aftercare to remind our kid to take out the homework folder and do anything in there during homework time.
Anonymous says
Can you explain your situation to the teacher and see if there is any major reason you can’t turn it in Monday?
mrskbp says
+1, was going to ask this. Our Aftercare usually has 30 mins or so of reading/homework time in the beginning all grades (k-5) participate in before snack and fun time.
I have also had teachers, including our son’s 5th grade teacher say, if the homeowrk-1 math sheet and read for 20 minutes is too much for your family, then do what you can.
Anon says
I would talk to the teacher. My kindergartner has an optional reading log (and we are 3 weeks in and they haven’t even shared it yet) as well as optional homework that will not be collected or checked at school (haven’t seen any yet). For sight words, I work on pointing them out in books we read and have her read them, and we also put them on an index cards with a hole punched out and a binder ring to play games with or run through them when we have downtime.
Mary Moo Cow says
I don’t think you really can make sight words fun. With my kindergartner, I fudged some homework. We read 20 minutes tonight, let’s call that sight word practice!
Can he do some work in aftercare? Every program is different, but I’ve heard of many programs that have built in homework time toward the middle or end of the session (snack, play, homework, play, for example.)
Ultimately, I would say to talk to the teacher about what works for your family and what’s the minimum they will accept, ask about homework time in aftercare, don’t be too worried about stretching the truth sometimes, and let any anxiety go.
gs says
Also a new Kinder parent here- we read most nights, that’s enough IMO. Agree with everyone else, sight words are outdated. At our intro with school they said anything sent home was optional and not graded.
I have no idea what this math assessment is, but it’s ridiculous that it would be at home – considering working parents, ESL parents, etc, etc… I would ask/ not do it. Our school had casual assessing the first day to evenly distribute kiddos so I’m shocked this is an at home thing.
Cb says
Same, they send home the sounds they are working on but nothing to be assessed. Apparently there is a reading log but it’s week 5 and we haven’t seen it yet.
Due to aftercare availability and a shorter commute, my son spends 10 fewer hours in care than when he was at nursery, but he’s still exhausted. The first year of school is hard and we shouldn’t be making it harder on them,
Pogo says
just solidarity. My poor kinder is so exhausted, I cannot imagine having to do homework as well. I do think aftercare has some time built in, but like you say, he wants that time to build Legos or play on the playground. He’s 5 ffs. He has his whole life to do homework!!
gs says
Sorry have to come back to say this just grinds my gears. I can’t imagine asking for this to be done at aftercare (again, we’ve only been at it a week) but when I pick up my K’er from after care she is SO excited to tell me about playing with friends and describing new games…..this is the point of K IMO – social emotional learning, making friends, learning to take direction from other adults…..not homework.
Could you imagine 7+ hours of learning and then getting to aftercare to do more work…..?? While others are playing??
Honestly will opt-out of HW as long as we can….
end rant
Anonymous says
So you would rather battle an exhausted kid to do the 10 minutes of homework at bedtime instead of having them do it during the designated homework time at aftercare?
Anon says
I think she’s saying she would just opt out of homework completely at that age, which strikes me as a pretty reasonable position.
Anon says
I’d talk to the teacher about the homework – how long should it be taking, what should you do if it’s taking your kid too long, what are the consequences for not doing it? Personally I am opposed to homework (other than reading alone or with a parent) in kindergarten. If it was a very small amount of homework (<10 mins/day) I would probably try to do it for the sake of keeping the peace with the teacher. But there's no way I would have my kindergartner sitting at a desk doing 30+ minutes of homework a day, unless it was initiated by the child. I believe the primary value of homework in early elementary is to teach the kid to get in the habit of doing homework, and that's something that can be done with a very small amount of homework. Additional homework is just burdensome and doesn't have any value. It's different when they're older and the homework actually has importance for academic learning.