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Wedding Officiant with Toddler says
I’m a regular poster on the main site, wondering whether to ask a close friend with young kids to officiate my upcoming wedding. My friend has two kids, ages 5 and 2, who would be attending the wedding. Their dad (my friend’s husband) will also be attending. My friend has experience officiating weddings, but it’s not something she does regularly. Maybe once every two to three years.
I don’t have much experience with young kids, and am wondering if the 2 year old will be able to handle sitting in the audience with dad and sibling while mom is officiating. Would something like this be upsetting for a kid this age? Specifically, the toddler will be 2 years and 4 months at the time of the wedding. I’m imagining a situation in which the 2 year old doesn’t understand why mom isn’t sitting with them, and ends up crying or causing a disruption. Again, I don’t spend much time around children this age, so I have no idea how likely this scenario is. (I’ll also note that having a child free wedding is not an option for us given the number of out of town guests with kids.)
What would you advise, given the info above? Is it too risky to ask my friend to officiate?
Anon says
2 years old is iffy in my opinion for sitting through a wedding. For perspective my husband is a groomsman in a wedding next week and I just plan to sit out the ceremony with my 2 year old knowing his personality. I don’t think that necessarily means you have to not ask – a 2 year old will be a 2 year old whether mom is officiating or not (though it likely adds to it). Especially if you have a lot of young kids attending then the likelihood of no disruptions seems low. Definitely something worth asking your friend about to see her comfort level, that’s what I’d want in her shoes.
Spirograph says
Without knowing your friend or the child, I’d say the chances of a 2 year old disrupting a wedding are equally high whether or not the child’s mom is sitting next to them. My kids would have been more likely to yell “That’s mommy!
Hi mommy!!!” and wave than start crying because I wasn’t next to them. I’m sure it’s nothing the dad can’t handle, and if the kid gets too wiggly, he can always step outside with them.
Anon says
+1 at 2 it’s kid really about separation anxiety. A 2 year old is just as likely if not more like to be disruptive with their mom nearby.
Anon says
*NOT really
Lyssa says
And if that happens (kid yells “hi Mommy” or something similar), everyone will be delighted and amused, and it will be a happy thing that people remember from your wedding for years to come.
Congratulations and best wishes on your marriage!
Anon says
The 2 year old may be fine for a brief ceremony and if they’re not, dad will remove them. It’s fine to ask her to officiate.
anonM says
+1. Ask her if it is who you want to officiate. Maybe give her a polite out if she thinks it is too much, but it will likely be an honor for her to be asked and would be a shame to skip that experience because of her kids ages.
Anon says
I have 4 kids, and despite all of them having wildly different personalities — including some very, very easy toddlers in there, none would have made it through a wedding ceremony at 2, especially if I was officiating.
Honestly, and it probably depends on your relationship with your friend, but if toddler noise would frustrate you or you’d worry about it before the ceremony (I would), I wouldn’t make the ask unless you are either (1) comfortable enough to request that her husband remove the child at the first sign of distraction or (2) confident he would do that without asking.
I find that there is a wide, wide, wide range of what parents deem acceptable behavior before removing a toddler from a quiet setting. I tend to remove at the first sign of distraction, but my daughter was in a play last year, and I was shocked at how long parents would let little kids go before either removing or – more frustrating to the cast/crew – never removing. I’m sure some think it’s either not noticeable or that walking out is more distracting, but since it’s your wedding, I’d just make it clear when asking her. If you don’t feel like you can do this with her, I’d find another friend to officiate since it’s not worth worrying about.
Anon says
Eh I did not have particularly easy toddlers but I think they likely could have sat through a 15-20 minute ceremony with appropriate snacks and toys. A full Catholic mass, no. Indoor vs outdoor also matters – kid noises will be a lot less noticeable outdoors.
I agree the threshold at which parents remove kids varies, and you should make sure you’re on the same page. But I don’t think it’s a reason not to ask her.
Anon says
Right – I’m the Anon above you, and I don’t disagree that many toddlers could do this — I guess my point is that if the OP thinks it will bother her if the toddler IS noisy or if she doesn’t think the dad will take him out right away, I would not ask her. My comment is more about the bride OP only being able to control herself, not the officiant or the toddler. The fact that she asked the question means that – on some level – she would be bothered if the toddler screamed MOMMY during the ceremony. There’s no way to assure that won’t happen, unless the toddler doesn’t come. Put differently, you can’t guarantee no kid noise at that age, so I was suggesting the bride consider whether she’d rather ask someone else and not worry about the toddler disruption OR ask the friend to officiate sans toddler or with a toddler removal strategy OR ask the friend and be okay if the toddler makes noise.
Anonymous says
I think this depends a bit on your friendship. If it were my close friend asking me to officiate, I’d have my husband keep the kids outside/ in the car/ anywhere but the wedding. If it’s important to you/ your friend/ her husband to have both Friend and her husband at the ceremony, then perhaps you offer to do something like get a sitter?
The kids for sure should not have to sit through the ceremony.
If I were in your situation I’d just put feelers out to your friend. “I was wondering your thoughts on officiating my wedding…” and be open and engaged to listening to her ideas on how to make it work/ if it could work.
Anony says
I would ask her but listen to her thoughts on how she thinks it would go, and accept it if she’s hesitant. My 2.5-year old would be totally fine getting through a wedding ceremony sitting next to me, but would probably not be able to handle it if I was officiating or in the wedding. (Our threshold for taking him out would be very very low but still, you’d get the initial “Mommy!” then people leaving etc.)
Anon says
you are a very thoughtful friend! if this is the person you really want to be officiating your wedding, then talk to her about it! any wedding with kids is going to have some noise. i have 5 year old twins who are going to be flower girls in my SIL’s wedding next month and they are VERY excited and while i’m trying to explain as much stuff as i can in advance, i’m sure they will have a million questions during the ceremony. the plan could also be for dad to sit out the ceremony with the kids, or for dad to remove kiddos if becomes disruptive.
NYCer says
I don’t think there is any harm in asking her. You can at least get her thoughts about whether she thinks it is feasible. As others have said, I think it will be challenging to have a 2yo at a wedding ceremony period. If I were your friend in this case, I would find a babysitter for my kids vs. bring them to a wedding, but I realize she may not feel that way.
AwayEmily says
Everyone else gave better advice than I could but I wanted to say you are a next-level thoughtful friend to be taking this into consideration.
Anon says
You are so thoughtful. I would say yes to a friend asking me to officiate but I would have my husband watch my kids with another relative or babysitter in a separate location at the ceremony. My husband would join with the kids at the reception.
Anon4this says
I have a 4 year old who was recently diagnosed with adhd. He’s been fine at school but I thought he was exceptionally hyper and seemed inattentive and had him on a waitlist when he was 3. He seems to have improved a lot since hes turned 4, but we still go through moments especially when were having playdates where hes just extra, jumping off furniture, throwing toys for fun etc. Hes also very sensitive to being hungry or tired. Hes been good at school, are there any books or resources that can help me better understand and navigate his personality? is this juat 4 or is this an issue, just seems like 4 year olds are typically more mature than he seems to be. Hes actually more manageable when it’s just us vs around others, he gets very excited and is very social. I feel sad when I see some of my friends calmer kids and have a lot of anxiety about whether hes going to grow up and be a functional adult.
Anon says
Nothing in your post suggests he won’t be a functional adult.
I won’t question your diagnosis but I will tell you that the behavior you described is still extremely typical for a 4 year old. Heck, most of what you wrote applies to my almost 6 year old and no one has ever suggested she has a diagnosis. Some kids are just more sensitive and high energy.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Agree, I thought they generally wait until 6 or 7 to diagnose ADHD/ADD, unless there are extreme symptoms (which doesn’t sound like the case here). Kids mature at different ages, and many many have huge growth in K/1st grade. My older kid certainly did, although he’s still fundamentally more active and intense than others. Some kids are just more sensitive and high energy than others. I think the key is to channel that energy somewhere positive – sports or other activities seem to be a big help. Being very social can also be a big plus!
I believe “Raising Your Spirited Child” and “the Explosive Child” are often recommended for this personality.
Anon says
+1.
Spirograph says
hooo boy. That’s very early for an ADHD diagnosis…our pediatrician recommended against screening for it until first grade. Honestly, he sounds like a 4 year old. Many/most of them are sensitive to being hungry and tired, and get “extra” at times, with or without ADHD.
That said, there are a bajillion ADHD resources out there. I encourage you to look up ADDitude and educate yourself about ADHD. While kids with ADHD will respond better to different parenting tactics than might typically be advised for neurotypical kids, ADHD absolutely does *not* prevent anyone from “[growing] up to be a functional adult” and it is really important that you reframe this way of thinking about it.
Op says
sorry I should have clarified that I know many adhd people including my husband who are completely functional so it’s not the diagnosis, but more of the personality traits like impulsivity. difficult to redirect or manage in stressful situations like he will regularly run away from us because he’s excited. for example, I was getting a ticket an indoor play place this weekend and I turned around and he was gone and we had to run around and get security involved to find him. This type of thing has happened so so much and it’s so stressful. Helpful to hear that it might just be 4 and might not translate to being an impulsive adult for example. also helpful that we should reevaluate in a few years, I was going to make a separate post on the diagnosis, so thank you for that feedback too
Anonymous says
He’s 4. You owe it to him to get help managing your anxiety and feelings around his very normal behavior. Is it challenging? Yes! Is there literally a single rational reason to worry he won’t function as an adult? Nope. And parenting him with that worry is bad for you and him.
Anon says
Harsh but I agre.
Anonymous says
I truly didn’t mean to be harsh
Anon says
Oh! I have this kid! He was SUCH a hard toddler. 3 was especially awful and I cried to my mom most mornings. But now he’s 8 and a math whiz, and a legit rockstar in baseball and basketball. His ADHD hyperfocus super-power has helped him learn HOW to play the sport (he has awesome baseball IQ, which I never knew was a thing), in addition to always actually playing the sports and knowing all the Facts about all the sports. Playing really intense sports has helped him train his impulsivity bc he intellectually knows he can’t just start running the bases backwards or run out on the court if he’s sitting out.
His impulsivity is still tough during certain settings – transitions and vacations without structure can be hard, and because he is older, there can be more physicality to his impulsivity. He will physically throw himself at his siblings, or try to wrestle them, or will antagonize them if he wants to wr. His triggers were (still are) also hunger and fatigue. Now, anxiety spikes it too. But, we can see when he starts to escalate physically, and have a lot more tools now that he’s older, too. He loves graphic novels (something about the busyness of the page calms him), drawing, games that require focus – chess, battleship, etc, and interestingly, cooking – following steps soothes him. He makes dinner with me most nights, and is turning into quite a good cook. It started as a necessity – he’d bother whatever sibling was floating around, and it gave some happy structure to his evenings, but now we both love it.
He’s starting to get nervous about school starting – so to keep him from bugging his siblings or spiraling, yesterday involved him making a big breakfast, taking a short run with his dad, then going on a bike ride with me, then a chess game with a sibling, lots of baseball in between (he has a rebounder so he can play by himself), and tablet time before dinner. He got pretty amped up with any downtime, so someone had to be playing with him a lot of the day.
My husband and I always joke that he takes up a disproportionate percentage of the parenting resources pie chart bc he struggles with keeping himself productively occupied when his anxiety is high or he’s hungry/tired, but we also firmly believe he will be the most likely of my kids to start and sell three businesses by the time he’s 30, run for local political office, and coach a bunch of local sporting teams in his “free” time.
Op says
This is so so incredibly helpful, thank you, lots to look into herr
Anon says
And also, I hear every other poster who says most 3 year olds are inattentive and impulse, and that you do need to manage your anxiety around his behavior. All of that is very true. With our son, though, we just *knew* something was different — there was an intensity to his physicality that was different. I can’t explain it better than that. But you are the expert in your child, and if something is off, you know it. His expression literally changed when he got amped up — in fact, I was just looking at pictures yesterday of his 4th birthday, and I can see his expression when he was amped up vs. when he is not. We started OT when he was 4 to help give him more tools to manage physical impulsivity, and it was a game changer. He finally had words to describe things that were challenging for him – his preschool was too loud, and the noise bothered him tremendously. He has a special phrase that we still use when he feels like “his brain can’t stop his body.” It helped all of us to parent him and better understand that it is not within his control, and that it’s really unpleasant for HIM too. The OT helped us all to brainstorm ways to help slow back down his body – listening to music through noise cancelling headphones with a certain beat, doing mazes, drinking cold water through a straw, etc. I will admit that I became a much, much better parent after I better understood the brain chemistry behind his behavior, and didn’t just try to punish it away bc I was afraid of what it “meant” for him long term.
Anonymous says
My experience exactly with my 7 year old girl. Right down to the cooking. She also was super picky about dinner (has to have something to fight about, food was one of them). We turned the tables and now she cooks and it’s been a win all around.
Swimming was her sport. You can’t decide to stop halfway or you will drown so…ya gotta do it. Also, she hated soccer but turns out she just needed to learn to temper her speed. She took a year off and went back with a lot of success.
anonM says
Anon at 9:36, this is really great to read. My son is in OT and showing signs of ADHD. He follows a lot of the same patterns as my undiagnosed but likely ADHD husband. FWIW, my husband is incredibly like what you say in your last sentence. Without giving away too many specifics that would out me here to anyone that knows us in real life, he IS the person who picks up instruments and dives into hobbies and side businesses in his “free” time. It has its challenges, but shoot, if you can harness the positives, it can be incredible.
Vicky Austin says
Wow, this is amazing to read – I think I might have ADHD and my husband and FIL definitely do, so it’s been a low-level worry of mine for my (admittedly still tiny) DS. Thanks for sharing!
Spirograph says
Let’s assume that he really is more impulsive than the average 4 year old and really does have ADHD.
Impulsivity is an ADHD trait, but it’s also a human trait! No one would describe me as impulsive… but sometimes I am. My husband has ADHD and he is impulsive, but he’s learned strategies that help him channel it appropriately, as I’m sure your husband has. People with ADHD tend to learn impulse control more slowly than people who do not have ADHD, and may have to work harder to keep their impulses in check, but they learn it.
The most helpful thing I’ve learned about ADHD is that it is is a quantitative difference, not a qualitative one (I’ll post a link to the video where I heard it in a reply I recommend it as a “podcast” – you don’t really need the visuals). ADHD tends to amplify certain tendencies that *everyone* has, and people with ADHD — and people who love them — need to learn strategies to manage them. To me, it’s not much different than learning how best to work with anyone else’s personality. For example, if you know you’re kid is a runner, it might help to have a backpack leash or some other way to physically keep him close when you need to. Focus on the concrete steps you need to take to manage specific behaviors now, and try not to extrapolate into adulthood.
Spirograph says
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCAGc-rkIfo
“ADHD: Essential Ideas for Parents” Dr. Russell Barkley
Boston Legal Eagle says
And there is a such a range of personalities in humanity – we can’t all be quiet, compliant rule followers who live within an often flawed status quo (I say as one such compliant rule follower). Someone has to shake things up. Maybe I didn’t run away, but I also was/am shy and find social interactions difficult. My older kid is the opposite in a lot of ways. And there is room for all of us!
Anonymous says
I posted about my 7 year old below. She was also a runner. I had to carry her in parking lots until almost kindergarten. That part has mellowed :). Some parts are personality, some parts are age, some parts are ADHD.
Anon says
Yeah I’m not really understanding this. Are there 3 year olds who *aren’t* inattentive? I haven’t met any.
OP says
it’s not that he was sometimes inattentive in the way all children are. I felt it was truly exceptional compared to other 3 year olds, but agree that we will reevaluate his diagnosis in a few years
Anonymous says
I’m not the OP but I have an older kid with ADHD and especially if you have other kids…you can tell around 3/4 that something is very different. It’s true that they don’t really diagnose that young but we started using ADHD parenting techniques and it was a game changer.
In our experience it wasn’t inattention, but inattention *relative to same age peers*. My kid wouldn’t even sit still to watch tv until age 3.5. She wouldn’t stand to get her photo taken (at any time). She was constantly on the go, running, and then crashing hard.
Anon says
+1 – I have the 8 year old above. My 8 year old wasn’t diagnosed until 7, but we knew he ticked differently around age 3. I used to WISH he’d watch tv at that age!! He was my second child, and we have lots of close friends with similarly aged children. Before we knew how much being tired and hungry affected him, I would bring him to his older brother’s soccer practice from like 7 to 8PM when he was 3 turning 4. During the practices, he would physically throw himself at me repeatedly. Just run and jump into me, again and again and again. I remember another mom asking me if he was okay, ha! Nothing I could say or do would stop him from doing this. And it wasn’t like he was doing this all the time — it was just at these practices, fatigue and hunger took over, and then he’d go to a place where he *couldn’t* stop doing it. I similarly never took him to a preschool fair bc the loud noise also triggered him, and like OP’s kid, he would just take off and run from one line to another (he’s going to the state fair tonight with a buddy, so he will eventually outgrow it, I promise!). My other child would have also wanted to try a bunch of different rides at a fair, but would have been able to wait in line or stand by me at 4ish. And he was never flagged for an aid nor did he get in trouble at school. He was able to keep his behavior in the bounds of normal at school, and then just had impulse fatigue with us.
Anonymous says
My daughter is 7 and about to be diagnosed (her eval keeps getting pushed but it’s pretty obvious; we are having a full blown neuropsych because we want to rule out/explore other potentially confounding issues but she for sure has ADHD). In her case it was hard to tease out because she’s young for her grade and she had her entire preschool disrupted due to COVID. So some of her behavior is “immature but age appropriate” and some of it is “just as abnormal as all the other kids who didn’t have a normal preschool experience” but as she got older it has become more of an outlier.
In kindergarten, most of the kids were pandemic hot messes. Things sort of came to a head at age 6 when she was in 1st grade and really couldn’t sit still. She recently turned 7 and we are going to see how 2nd grade goes. I’m hopeful some of the work we’ve been doing over the summer helps; she’s a lot more mindful of her “triggers.” We don’t use that word with her, but just like your son, being hungry, tired, fully of sugar or having to go to the bathroom have dramatic impacts on her ability to focus/behave appropriately.
Regarding books, we’ve had luck with “explosive child”- it isn’t exactly what we experience with our kid but many of the techniques are effective in helping manage her angry meltdowns.
The articles on the ADDitude website really help. Our kid was in a inclusive classroom last year with a couple of kids with pretty explosive anger issues and they had two ABAs and the guidance counselor (“feelings teacher”) spent a lot of time with the kids in that class focusing on calming strategies, doing deep breathing and yoga, naming feelings, communicating etc. It really, really helped our daughter.
Other resources- our town has a special ed parents group. Even though it’s mainly parents of elem kids, see if your town has one and reach out. One of the most valuable things I’ve gotten from the community is meeting a parent with a daughter a few years older (same age as one of my older kids)– it really helps seeing what “girl ADHD” looks like in the future and it helps me adjust my expectations for my kiddo. She has two neurotypical older sisters so it’s hard to tell sometimes. It’s also very encouraging to see that as kids get older, they mellow out somewhat and while they still have some Big Emotions and behavior that can be socially isolating, they are not without friends! In fact, my oldest made friends with a girl who is 11 with raging ADHD. It’s been good for everyone- Oldest is more empathetic to New Friend because New Friend has many of the same behaviors as her younger sister. Oldest also uses some of the techniques we’ve developed with Sister with her New Friend which just makes everything smoother.
Anon says
I think it’s important to be mindful about not “parenting to the diagnosis.” Having that label can be useful for getting kids external services, but how helpful is it really in your parenting? In your post, I see it causing stress and anxiety about the future that may be interfering with your ability to parent to his behaviors now. It may be important to make sure you’re not preemptively placing low expectations on his behavior in the future (e.g., “he can’t control himself at parties so we won’t go to one” or “he can’t sit still in class so we will redshirt him”). My advice? Try to approach this neutrally and observe/respond to specific behaviors once they happen.
anon says
I could have written this exact post and I’ve also been having a hard few weeks adjusting to a similar diagnosis for my 4 y.o. as well so lots of commiseration. I don’t think it’s helpful to hear that all 3 and 4 year olds are like this after you’ve received a diagnosis because it’s not the same. I also found that OT helps, but it’s not a magic bullet. We are also doing parent/child therapy where I’m working on reframing my thinking and expectations. It’s hard to keep the long view in mind, but that’s what I’m trying to do with a) continuing to work and b) exposing him to situations that might be hard right now (i.e. birthday parties or travel). I really empathize with your feelings of not having a calm kid, it’s really really hard and tiring and I hear you.
Anon says
I really like Jonathan Mooney as an ADHD advocate. He has some talks on YouTube speaking from his perspective w/ADHD and his good and bad experiences with the education system over the course of his life. He has some books, but I like his talks partly because of how his energy comes through. His mom is also the hero of his story in a lot of ways, and I love to hear that.
Jessica McCabe’s How to ADHD has more practical strategies, but I’m not sure how many would be relevant at such a young age!
ADDitude magazine sometimes has good pieces. I’m one of the ADHD people who has had to deal with health issues like vitamin deficiencies and sleep issues. It was really helpful to know things like how ADHD patients sometimes test as having higher vitamin levels than we really do or statistically benefit from sleep hygiene, etc.
anon says
I feel like I’ve just mommy tracked myself at work and am feeling really conflicted, like I can’t win.
My employer is always on those best places for working moms, best places to work lists, but my department is primarily men or women without children. I had a baby late last year and am the only woman on the leadership team with a baby. I’ve thrown myself into work since coming back from leave – saying yes to all travel, attending work events at night that make me miss bedtime, and working late or after bedtime pretty much daily.
I hit a breaking point last week as I had to push back on yet another 5:30 or 6pm call in order to do daycare pickup. After a few days of only seeing my daughter for 20 minutes a day at best, I talked to my boss about how I can’t join calls after 5:30 anymore and I can’t log on every night anymore. If we’re in a crunch, happy to do so, but it can’t be a daily expectation. He took it well initially, and while I’m confident he’s supportive I know others aren’t.
I skipped a Friday night call that went from 6-8:30 then found out last night I was excluded from several calls this weekend with the SVP. Part of me is happy about that, as I would’ve been miserable not being with my daughter all weekend, but it’s clear now decisions are being made without me and when I spoke up on calls this morning I was shot down immediately or got snide remarks.
I’ve worked so hard in my career and it’s hard to deliberately take a step back. Being a mom is my priority right now, but I feel like I can be a mom and a leader at work. I’m not sure how to walk the line of being respected at work while being a good mom, and honestly I’m so exhausted that being a SAHM for a few months sounds nice.
Does this get any easier? Worse?
Anonymous says
It gets better when you get a new job sometimes
Anon says
I’m sorry this is happening to you. It sucks. In my experience it normally gets worse as you have more kids and/or as kids age into elementary school and childcare becomes more complicated. But maybe you can leave and find an employer who is more supportive of working moms. I don’t think this kind of thing happens everywhere although it’s definitely not uncommon.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I think the unfortunate reality of rising up in corporate America (I’m assuming that’s where you are) is that the people there are used to putting work first above everything else, and have expectations of others in that level doing the same. The best we can do is to stick around and try to change this from within, although not every boss or team will be supportive. One of the reasons that I stay at my job is that I have been given a lot support from my boss to essentially work flexibly and not have 5/6pm calls as the expectation, while still getting seniority and respect. I don’t think schedules get easier but I think as you go longer in this parenting thing, you realize that rising to the very tippy top is not really true success in the way you once thought if it doesn’t also fulfill your desires for family life. And that’s ok. You can still be a successful and happy employee a few levels down, or at a different employer that operates differently.
Anonymous says
Tough talk: you need a new job.
You can balance work and life. It sounds like the role you are in at the company you are in requires hours that don’t align with someone that wants a work/life balance.
I promise you there are jobs out there where you can be C-suite and not have to work all weekend. There are many many roles where you can be VP level and not have to work past 6pm most nights or join calls over the weekend. DH is an SVP and I’m a VP and neither of us do those things. It would be laughable to us if we were even asked.
My advice is draw much more clear boundaries; work will take every inch you give them. Don’t say yes to all the travel. Make them decide what’s important. In parallel, start job hunting. You deserve better.
Anonymous says
Also: think creatively about your time. If you really want to stay in this job, and this job pushes the evening boundaries, what about starting later in the mornings? Looks like you have a young toddler. Spend long mornings with her, drop her to daycare at 10, then know you got your quality time in with her earlier in the day and don’t worry about the late evenings.
Work started pushing into my husband’s evenings, so he stopped working before 9am. He and I get up at 5:15. He goes to the gym, is back at 6:30 and does all the AM stuff with the kids, gets them on the bus by 8:30, then heads to work. Because he’s on point for the morning shift, I get up earlier, start work earlier, get home to meet them at the bus at 3:30 and am largely done with my day. I will have maybe one or two calls per week after 4pm but those are exceptions. As a trade, I am often doing work from 5:30-9am, then on calls 9-2 with no real lunch break. We do a lot of meal planning so dinner doesn’t take all evening.
My kids do weekday activities so we will often go through email while waiting at the theater/field/studio/whatever.
anon says
Unfortunately my work is busier in the mornings and the recent evening calls are a response to everyone being busy during the day.
I typically have calls starting from 8 if not earlier and need to go in the office 1-2x a week. My husband does the morning routine after I nurse the baby and he drops her at daycare. My employer’s policy is that meetings should only be between 9-4 and while that isn’t followed in my division, things tend to slow down after 4. I do daycare pickup and usually dinner prep bc DH’s company is west coast based so he typically doesn’t wrap till 6/6:30.
I agree with the sentiments that this job isn’t compatible with family life though. It makes me stabby that there are y men with young children on the leadership team but their spouses only work part-time. Working full time as a mom is incompatible with this job, as I’m learning.
Anon says
as the wife of such a person (meaning I work part-time, but DH has a job with calls scheduled at dinner/bedtime/weekends), I can assure you that not all men are happy with this either. DH wants to be home for dinner/bedtime, especially as our kids reach elementary school age and they notice more whether he is/isn’t there and he is trying to do a better job of blocking his calendar and holding the boundary, but as you’ve acknowledge, it’s hard! also- some women and/or men are ok with only seeing their child for 20 min a day and some aren’t. there is no right or wrong, different things work best for different people and different families
Anon says
what industries are you and your DH in?
Anonymous says
He’s in finance, I’m in (healthcare) tech.
Anonie says
If being a leader at work at your workplace requires late-night and weekend calls, and you’re not willing to do that, you can’t be a leader at your company. (Responding to your statement “I feel like I can be a mom and a leader at work”.) You can react to the situation however you choose, but you’ll probably come to a more satisfying solution if you are honest about the reality you are facing.
Anon says
I’m seconding the “you need a new job” comments. I would not put a lot of stock in the “Best Places to Work” awards. It sounds like the culture in your division may be different than the company as a whole. Also, it may be that your company is just known for making accommodations that keep working moms employed there– not that the working moms are actually rising in the company. For example, one of the law firms in my city that is well-known for being family friendly allows women to switch to part-time work and pursue Of Counsel roles– the working moms I know at the firm are doing just that, they are not actually becoming partner at the firm.
My old firm was similar to what you are describing. They definitely thought they were family friendly. However, their definition of being family-friendly seemed limited to giving me a decent maternity leave and allowing people to leave work early to attend their kids’ sporting events, not actually spend quality time with your family on a daily to weekly basis.
In contrast, at my current in-house job, one of the Senior Directors told me in my interview that he blocked his calendar at 4 pm every day so that he could coach his kids’ sports and had never gotten any pushback for it.
Anon says
I too worked at a company with “best places to work” awards but it was very high pressure and toxic. I think these companies are often overrated. I’m sorry you are going through this but would encourage you to rethink what you want from your job and how much is reasonable for you to give. Think about your intent when you feel like you aren’t doing enough or other people don’t get it. If you are clear on your purpose and the amount of work/hours you will do, you won’t be as tempted to measure yourself by external, fickle reactions from people.
anon says
Agree with others who have said that you can be a mom and a leader at work, but possibly not at this job. There are jobs that are not compatible with putting family first. That’s gender agnostic – men doing those jobs are also prioritizing the job over their families, but there are more men than women (I find) who are comfortable doing that. Whether it’s nature or nurture, I find that my female friends tend to have different priorities around this than my male friends (and even my own husband does not have the level of interest that I do in day to day hands-on parenting).
I have three (soon to be four) children and am a divisional GC for a large company. I left another job where I was successful and more highly compensated, but unable to be the mother I wanted to be, for this one. My days are intense but they generally end at a reasonable time and I only get night/weekend calls when there is a true emergency. I also WFH 50% of the time, which helps because I am able to see my kids even if I’m working. (We have a lot of childcare help – I’m not looking after them while I’m working – but just being able to give the toddler a hug when the nanny brings him home, or help my daughter find her ballet shoes between calls, lets me be more present to them.)
For me, success means a job that I find interesting and that is fairly paid, but that lets me prioritize my family in the ways that I want to. It sounds like success looks different to you after becoming a mom than it did before you had kids, and that’s fine and normal – but probably means you’ll need to find a job where their version of success and yours are aligned.
WWYD - Work Travel says
I don’t travel a ton for work, but two cross country meetings have landed in the same week. I live in Los Angeles with easy access to LAX and have one toddler in fulltime daycare and DH works fulltime. All times below are local.
I need to be in Atlanta from 2pm on a Monday until Tuesday at 4 pm. Then I need to be in DC from that Thursday at 12:30pm until 5 pm Friday.
I plan to take a red eye to Atlanta Sunday night. Options are to either fly to DC Tues evening and work from there Wednesday, or fly back to LA Tues night, have Wednesday at home and then take a red eye to DC Wed night. Am I crazy to be considering option #2?
5 nights away from toddler feels so long (they would be in bed when I get home Friday night) and being able to help with kid care on Wednesday is appealing, but this is obviously a lot of flying and seems kind of ridiculous given how close ATL and DC are to each other. All travel expenses will be reimbursed – company does not care which option I choose. WWYD?
Anon says
I would never in 1 million years do option number 2.
Anon says
Same. It sounds miserable even if everything runs as scheduled. But also flights have been a real mess this summer. I think if you try to go back to LA there’s a real chance you miss either your brief time at home or the second trip.
Anonymous says
I get the impulse to go back Wednesday, but I wouldn’t do it. A red-eye will make you feel terrible and realistically you wouldn’t see your kid enough for it to be worth it Wednesday night. Just face-time when you can and take advantage of the extra sleep.
Spirograph says
I would 100% fly atlanta to DC. Yes, you are crazy to be considering option 2. I fly between ATL and DC often. It is a quick easy trip with tons of timing options, and assuming you fly into DCA or IAD, it’s an easy metro ride to a hotel. It’s a 5+ hour flight from LAX to DC, I would take 5 nights away from toddler over 10 extra hours on planes (plus another 4 in airports!) any day.
Also, I think it may actually be more difficult for your child to have you come back and leave again immediately than it would be to just wait and come back on the weekend. Your partner will get in a routine, and it will be fine.
NYCer says
+1 to all of this.
Anon says
+1 on the second paragraph. And it will be better for everyone if you come back from this trip rested and ready to give your spouse a break, which option #2 will not allow for.
Anonymous says
You’re crazy. Option 1 is the only sane choice.
Anon says
It’s definitely the only sane choice and it’s also the better climate-friendly choice. I’m a big believer in not taking needless long flights for business.
Anon says
+1! Option 2 is legit crazy and also so, so wasteful.
OOO says
I vote Option #1. Flying cross country just to spend a couple hours with toddler between trips doesn’t seem worth it to me. It could disrupt the flow your DH and toddler establish for their bedtime routine that week. Plus you will be exhausted for your DC meeting. Explore Atlanta and DC, eat meals at nice restaurants, do all the things you can’t or don’t have time to do at home, while DH and toddler get a chance to bond. By the time you come home you will be well-rested and ready to jump back in to family life.
Cb says
Yep! The times I’ve had a tough schedule and tried to make it home for 36-48 hours, I’ve definitely made it worse!
anonM says
+1. My partner does the traveling in our house, and I’d be annoyed tbh if he came home for one night and then left, because the kids are most upset on nights 1 & 2 and then it gets easier.
Anonymous says
Don’t underestimate the jet lag, either. I hear it’s slightly easier going west to east, but I’m always exhausted by day 3 of a west coast business trip. You’ll need Wednesday to be travel-free if you want to be on your game for your Thursday-Friday meetings.
Boston Legal Eagle says
100% Option 1. Don’t even give Option 2 any more thought. I promise you in a year, or even a month, one less day with your toddler won’t matter at all. Give your spouse some bonding time with kiddo.
Travel anon says
Agree with everyone that option 1 is better and (acknowledging that this is an unsolicited opinion) I wouldn’t take that sunday night redeye. You’ll be miserable and land in no shape to work. Travel is stressful and challenging enough; don’t make it worse than it has to be.
Anonymous says
I agree with this *unless* you get to fly business class with a lay-flat seat and are fairly confident you’ll sleep for a good chunk of the flight. But if you’re going to take the red-eye, definitely do not go home Wednesday. You’ll just be compounding your sleep debt from Sunday night.
Anon says
Even in a lay flat seat, LAX to ATL is way too short for a decent night’s sleep. It’s 3 hours and change in the air, and there will be a meal service that cuts into that.
Anon says
I’m using OPK strips while TTC and I notice I’m getting a positive on the strip for up to five days. I was curious to see how long the LH surge lasts, but doesn’t that seem long?
MBRec says
Take a pregnancy test, HCG can turn LH strips positive.
anon says
It is a bit unusually long, but if you are having other ovulation indicators — cycles whose lengths line up with the surge you see, ovulation pain, cervical changes, etc. — I’d think nothing of it. If you aren’t actually sure you are ovulating it may be worth pursuing as unusual LH readings can be a PCOS thing. If you’re worried about it, I’d start by switching OPK brands and seeing if it reads the same way. I tried one brand that consistently showed my real surge as not quite dark enough to be positive, even though other brands showed it correctly, so maybe it’s something like that.
Anon says
Did you check to make sure your tests aren’t the ones that were recently recalled/recommended not to be used? If not, I’d try a different brand/batch because it does seem long. But if it is accurate, using those 5 days to make things happen along with monitoring other signs of ovulation would still be giving yourself the best chance of conceiving.
Anon says
Are you sure it’s a positive? A positive on an OPK is different from a HPT. It needs to be as dark or darker than the control line.
Anon says
I was chatting with my son (just turned 6) about reading and why he’s so reluctant to read and he said that the letters “play tricks on me! I think they are fs but they are ts, I think they are ps, but they are ds”. He’s incredibly verbal, sounds like he’s years older than he is, has incredible oral comprehension, etc. And he’s really interested in letter systems, copying out kanji etc.
But he has been much slower to get to grips with reading than I expected, given how interested in language he is.
Any advice on supporting him?
Anon says
Just wait? I’m assuming he’s going into first grade at most. He doesn’t need to know how to read now. Mixing up letters is normal at this age.
Cb says
Sorry, didn’t mean to be anon…
That’s good advice. He just seemed quite frustrated by it, and my husband got in my head about dyslexia.
Anon says
I guess unless you feel like your schools are incompetent, I’d probably defer to their expertise and not worry unless they’re expressing concern. My husband likely has dyslexia so it’s something we’re very cognizant of, but my understanding is that mixing up letters is super normal when first learning how to read.
I know you have a different system over there, but in most of the US, just turned 6 is very young for first grade. My daughter just started in kindergarten and there are a bunch of kids in her class who are already 6 (we have an Aug 1 cutoff here, and then redshirting summer kids, especially boys, is very common). I didn’t learn to read until halfway through first grade when I was almost 7. My reading quickly got way above grade level. I don’t think the age at which you first read is very correlated to later reading skills or academic achievement.
AwayEmily says
+1 to all this. I was sort of vaguely worried that my kindergartener didn’t seem to be making much progress. Then she started first grade, and right around when she turned 7 — halfway through the year — it just clicked. Trust the process, listen to the teachers, he’ll get there when he’s ready.
octagon says
Have you had his eyes checked recently? Is he able to write the letters correctly but has trouble reading them? He may benefit from additional screenings to see whether there’s something else at play.
Cb says
Decent handwriting. He writes pretty well but consistently reverses his 3s and had to really think about b, d, p, q. He can copy patterns really easily but doesn’t copy text amazingly well.
I might take him for an eye check – it does seem like his eyes bounce along the page. We started reading with a white sheet under the line and that seemed to help a bit.
anon says
My 6yo (also entering 1st grade) reads at a 2nd/3rd grade level but still commonly writes her 3’s and b/d’s backwards. I’ve been told this is entirely developmentally appropriate.
Anonymous says
This all sounds very normal. Keep up with providing lots of books and reading to him
anon says
Just another +1 to this being normal. According to kid’s first grade teacher, mixing up b, d, p, q and reversing things like 3s, 5s, 7s, is normal and expected at least into beginning of second grade.
Runner says
So do robot vacuums/roombas really work? With our kids (two almost five year olds), breakfast is always a significant amount of crumbs. I usually sweep before vacuuming (ha or just sweep). Is a roomba really going to get rid of it all? And which one should I get? There is a huge diversity in price points and I am wondering if that makes a difference.
Cb says
We have a cheap, aged one, and it does a great job with stuff like that.
Anonymous says
+1. Somewhat depends on your table & chairs, though. We have a pedestal table, so if I want the roomba to go under it, I really need to move the chairs out of the way against the wall. I bet it would do a better job if we had a table with 4 legs.
Anon says
We got one and it didn’t work. The actual vacuuming was fine but it constantly got blocked by furniture and couldn’t figure out how to keep going. I don’t know if we have more furniture than average or if our vacuum was just dumb. But it was a huge waste of money.
Anonymous says
This. The roomba is great if you have a mcm house that never has toys, rugs or food on the floor. For us it has been a disappointing waste of money. It never gets used because I have to babysit: move all the toys/shoes/chairs – anything it could possibly get tripped up on, then lift the couch (which I cannot do alone because it’s a sleeper sofa). An alternative if you have tile or wood floors: I bought a Tineco mop contraption a few weeks ago and I’m obsessed. My only caveat is that it does take me about 15 minutes to run it over 1500 sq feet, and then 5 minutes to clean it (you have to clean it every time you use it). But I’m 100% more likely to run that after the kids go to bed than to move everything and run the roomba. Just a thought.
Anon says
I’ve been waffling on the Tineco vs roomba and this is what I needed to read!
Anonymous says
It wasn’t worth it for me because I had to move all teh chairs out of the way for it to do a good job, and by the time I did that I could have just swept up the crumbs.
CCLA says
Yes this re: the under table mess. We have one and love it for running in between house cleaner visits, but the stick vac is way more efficient for under the table cleaning post-meal.
If you do get a roomba, highly recommend the one that self empties into a larger bin so it can finish larger jobs without needing emptying while you’re out of the house.
AwayEmily says
We have one and we adore it. It’s name is Sweepy and it’s a eufy. My husband runs it in the kitchen and living room about once every three days. He does need to push the chairs back from the table but I would say that Sweepy prep takes all of five minutes. We do the playroom less often because that’s where the toys are scattered everywhere so it’s more of a pain to pick up. Sweepy gets things about 80% of the way clean, which is a HUGE improvement in our lives from pre-Sweepy.
AwayEmily says
*Its* name is Sweepy.
Anon says
We have two Roombas and love them for things like the constantly crumbs and pet hair. Ours are on schedules and do certain rooms at certain times, so the dining room and kitchen are vacuumed after dinner every night. Ours doesn’t have an issue getting around the chairs and under the table. For kid toys, etc, we just don’t have the Roomba scheduled to ever go in the main room they play in, so only run it in there after we pick up. We try to tidy the living room every night before bed, so it’s typically free of toys when Roomba runs in there in the mornings.
Anon says
Running a regular vacuum takes less time than managing the robot vacuum, at least for me. Ymmv.
Anon says
I have a Roomba and yes they do work. Mine navigates around chair legs just fine. I do usually scoot the baby chair away from the table but that takes all of one second to do.
Vicky Austin says
I asked this on the main page not long ago and someone recommended Coredy very enthusiastically for pet hair. Good price too. I haven’t pulled the trigger myself yet.
Anon says
Do schools still cancel for extreme heat? They did when I was growing up, but I assume air conditioning is more common now. It’s supposed to be 108 (!) in my city next Wednesday. It’s also my daughter’s half birthday and she really wants a day off for her birthday, lol.
anon says
Not in my district. Super wealthy school district in an area that has historically had mild weather. There’s no air conditioning in most classrooms, even though we’ve been experiencing intense heat and smoke periodically for nearly a decade. In general, there’s inadequate planning and recognition for weather extremes in our schools.
At 108, I would probably pull my kid out early for their health if they wanted to go home.
anon says
to clarify, by “in our schools,” I mean my city’s schools. I know of many school districts that have much more robust plans. I’m frustrated that my city’s schools can’t get it together on adjusting to weather extremes despite significant resources and a community that cares about climate change.
anon says
They don’t in my city. All the schools have air conditioning so there’s no real need.
Anonymous says
Yes. Boston area. We’ve had cancellations for extreme heat and extreme cold. It’s because they don’t want kids waiting outside for busses in either.
It has to be really extreme though. I think it’s happened twice ever. If it were 105 here they would cancel.
Anon says
cross posting from the main site, because people there are not exactly being helpful. please help me choose a dress for my SIL’s wedding. i am in the wedding and fortunately she is very flexible with dress style. it has to be long and we have an assigned color, mine is navy. i am a size 8/10, 38 year old mom of two (my twins are the flower girl and ring bearer) and the wedding is in early september in NY on a saturday night, but it is not black tie, it’s cocktail attire. DH was told to wear a navy suit. My MIL is a fashionista (and a size 0/2) is wearing a dress she bought for 4k from bergdorffs so i dont want to look like a beached whale next to her. want to make sure i don’t look too matronly. one dress is more forgiving to my arms and one to my tummy. not looking for additional options at this point. wedding is in a month and i’ve tried on 20+ dresses and these are the ones I’m most comfortable in. links to follow
Anon says
(1) https://www.nordstrom.com/s/alfred-sung-strapless-cuff-satin-gown/7337459
(2) https://www.nordstrom.com/s/xscape-off-the-shoulder-ruffle-scuba-gown/7079217
Anon says
People on the main site aren’t being helpful?! C’est impossible!
Anonymous says
People were thoughtful and helpful actually!
Anon says
I think you actually got lots of helpful replies on the main page.
OP says
sorry, sorry, i posted here before people actually started giving helpful answers on the main page (like telling me i shouldn’t wear a long dress given that the wedding dress code and telling me to go look for other options, that wasn’t my question…). thank you all for helping out this indecisive mom!
anon says
Literally one person commented that long seemed like black tie not cocktail and then a bunch of other people told her that it was normal for BMs to wear long dresses at cocktail weddings…
Anonymous says
I vote #2 unless you have really good jewelry for #1. I am not voting for #1 because I wore a dress like this to a formal dance in high school (2000). But if the aughts are back in then…it looked awesome on me then and would look awesome you now!
Anon says
yes, that’s a bit how I feel about #1, that it looks high schooly, and i came across many other dresses i loved in the pictures, but were terrible on my body, which i think is more important than looking good on the hanger
anon says
If these are the only two options, I would go with #1. I don’t care for all the extra fabric on #2. I also think #2 leans matronly.
GCA says
I’d go with whichever you can dance in! I suspect this might be #2 based on the fabric and cut.
GCA says
Also I know you said you weren’t looking at any others, but these might be useful silhouettes for a reverse image search. (it looks like coast doesn’t ship to the US) https://www.coastfashion.com/womens/dresses/navy
Anonymous says
#2 is an old lady dress. #1 is classic.
Anonymous says
What about this one? Square necklines are more in these days than the other two you shared:
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/corset-satin-gown/7337463?origin=coordinating-7337463-0-3-PDP_1-recbot-also_viewed_graph&recs_placement=PDP_1&recs_strategy=also_viewed_graph&recs_source=recbot&recs_page_type=product&recs_seed=7337459&color=MIDNIGHT
Anon says
Agree – there are a bunch of navy dresses by Alfred Sung, if the strapless cuffed one fits well I would try a few of the more modern shapes. These were faves (first link is similar to your 2 but fresher):
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/alfred-sung-off-the-shoulder-satin-gown/5923143?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FBrands%2FAlfred%20Sung&fashioncolor=Blue&color=405
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/alfred-sung-one-shoulder-satin-twill-trumpet-gown/6823227?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FBrands%2FAlfred%20Sung&fashioncolor=Blue&color=405
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/alfred-sung-strapless-high-low-ballgown/4700240?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FBrands%2FAlfred%20Sung&fashioncolor=Blue&color=405
Anon says
You sound like you feel anxious and uncomfortable already. Of these I prefer 1, but I’m worried you don’t actually like either?
Anonymous says
To the anon with the 8 year old boy with ADHD- is he on meds? Reading your post is like reading about our journey and we are struggling with whether or not to try meds with our daughter. Regular pediatrician was pro but said it was up to us; neuropsych was willing but suggested we continue with behavior management only until she is a little older. We’ve heard they make things easier, but our biggest considerations (pro and con) are:
1) She does well in school without them. it’s only at home that she crashes and burns, and we have made HUGE strides in managing to this at home. However, she’s young (almost 8) and there will likely be a time were meds could make school easier for her. As far as we can tell school is not hard for her.
2) We have heard that there are positives to medication in the long run, as it helps to re-wire the brain. Not putting her on may deprive her of this BUT we also don’t want her to be reliant on it her whole life.
3) Stimulants affect sleep and her biggest challenge is not getting enough sleep. When she has a good sleep and eats right, she has no issues. When her sleep is poor, the entire day is a struggle. Melatonin was suggested in tandem with stimulants but Melatonin does not work for her (horrible nightmares causing terrible sleep).
4) taking meds- of any kind- is always a fight with her. This would be one more battle.
Our strategy has been “run her [physically] ragged then get her to bed before we pass the window of opportunity.”
Anon says
So, no, he’s not on meds now, but it’s on my mind a lot right now. We saw how much he really seemed to struggle during vacation with impulse control and hyper focus when we were completely unscheduled/moved around a lot. We would check into a new place, and he would get stuck in a loop of wanting to do [X] activity. It would start out positive — “Mom and Dad, look! There’s a pool here! It’s beautiful! We have to swim!” and we’d say, well, first we have to check in, then we have to get everything in the room, and change, and he’d go “No, now! I can do it. I’ll bring in my own stuff, I can change in the lobby,” And it would go on and on, until he’d get to a place where he really and truly couldn’t focus on anything else/he’d be in tears and we’d finally capitulate. My other kids are like “Wow! I can’t wait to go swimming!” and we’d say, “Okay, first we have to check in,” and they’d maybe whine a minute – but could physically stand there and wait.
For the first time, my husband and I thought – well, HE’S miserable in these moments too – would meds take the anxiety off these transitions for him? So far, though, he’s done great in school, so we are still working with just general behavior management in the day to day life – tons of sleep (but melatonin works well for him), feeding him lots of full fats and proteins throughout the day so he doesn’t crash, lots of physical activity, tons of prep before transitions to new places, letting him know ahead of time what we expect in new situations, etc. That said, I suspect we’ll re-evaluate as school gets more intense and he has more transitions in school. The brain re-wiring concept is really interesting to me. I also am extremely sensitive to the fact that many kids start to perceive things about themselves as they get older and struggle more, so it’s important to us to medicate if he starts getting down about his behavior or performance in school, for instance.
Anon says
that example you gave about seeing the pool and needing to go swimming that second describes my daughter to a T. she cannot wait for anything. what (if any) strategies have you found to be useful in the moment?
Anon says
Oy, it’s a moving target for sure, and the symptom I – as his parent – have the hardest time managing my expectations around.
These help, with the caveat that nothing is a silver bullet —
1) If I know there is going to be a long transition, telling him what’s going to happen, and asking him to brainstorm activity ideas to help him wait BEFORE he gets in the mental loop. So, with the example above, things improved if he knew walking into the hotel lobby that I’d have to do a bunch of stuff and it would take longer if there’s a line, so he’d proactively bring an activity book and know he has to wait. Music with headphones have helped him tremendously during transition times.
2) we have labeled these “stuck thoughts”, and it helps him to have a name for it when he does get stuck. So, we name it — “Seems like [needing to swim right now] is stuck. Is there something that will help you get unstuck – music? my phone to look at pictures of swimming? etc.”
3) Leaning into the desired activity with the first ask, with a time limit – he often NEEDS me to play baseball with him, and it always happens right when everyone is coming home from school and work and dinner needs to get started and homework and etc. With time, I’ve found it takes less time and aggravation to say at the first request, “Yes – I will play baseball with you right now for 10 minutes” than to say no or maybe later and have him repeatedly ask for the next two hours.
4) We gave him a watch, and give him very specific timeframes that we try to stick to.
5) 10 minute miracle is a godsend with him – he knows he gets 10 minutes uninterrupted time with me, per day. No siblings can intervene and he picks the activity. He increasingly saves up his desired activity for his 10 minutes with me, rather than almost having anxiety about whether he’ll get to do an activity of his choice. Knowing he’ll have that time helps make him patient at other times.
Anonymous says
I’m so glad we are having these posts. I use some of these strategies and some are new but would work really well.
Naming the behavior as “stuck thought” is what I’m going to do the next time it happens. We already named the feeling when she doesn’t want to go to bed but wants to go to bed and knows she needs to go to bed but can’t. We call it “needing a cookie” after the time she was obsessing about one thing, got it, found something else to obsess over, got it, etc. and still wouldn’t do whatever it was we were asking her to do. Finally I asked “do you really thing the cookie will help?” And she was like “no, I don’t really think I need a cookie; if I get one I’ll just find another problem.”
We also use my phone as a tool. When she’s fidgety I ask her to be the family photographer. I’m on the lookout for a digital camera to give her bc I don’t love handing over my phone. We have amazing photos of the family AND of all the bugs/cracks in the sidewalk/whatever. Or I show her a map of where we are trying to go and have her look at routes to get there.
We also lean in hard to talking about potential long boring times and planning for them. Our library has Play-Aways which are portable audiobooks and they are our #1 tool for travel. Like you, vacations are tough. And it’s tougher since she’s my middle and my 5 year old is more “reasonable”/patient than her big sister. Usually DH has to take my middle, my oldest and youngest quietly amuse themselves, and i do the boring thing.
Anon says
Oh I LOVE and am stealing the photographer idea. We’ve found screen time (games or shows) for the sake of screen time won’t unstick my guy, but what a great use of an available tool! I am definitely going to adopt that. Thank you!!!
Anonymous says
We have the exact same strategy — run physically ragged and get him to bed in the window of opportunity — for my ADHD kid, and it works like a charm. High-intensity, coordination-driven sports (eg. tennis, soccer, hockey, lacrosse, football) are the best thing for him.
I’m sorry melatonin doesn’t work for your daughter, this is an important tool in our toolbox on days there’s no sporting to be had. My son is a bit older and did well in school last year without medication, but we’re committed to revisiting this question every semester.
Anonymous says
Re #2, I believe the theory is that medication given on a daily basis early enough (around age 8-10) rewires the brain so medication may not be necessary in adulthood. If you wait until the teen years that rewiring supposedly does not happen. In no case does any expert allege that early medication creates a dependency that requires lifelong medication.
Anon says
Oh man, my 8 year old is turning 9 this fall. I’m going to revisit this with his doctor.
Middle school backpacks? says
Any recommendations for backpacks for middle schooler that has a chest/sternum strap? That isn’t Lands End? My kid is really hard on her backpack and the Lands Ends don’t hold up for more than one year, we’ve found. I like the durability of L.L. Bean backpacks, but they don’t have the chest strap, and my daughter insists on the chest strap.
Anon says
Have you looked at Jansport backpacks with chest straps? They are my go to.
Anon says
+1 we got a Jansport at Target that has a chest strap.
Anon says
Deuter! They have smaller packs that work on smaller bodies. (I’m 5’1). My deuter has lasted almost a decade.
Except I don’t know if a middle schooler wants to wear that brand. Patagonia also has some with chest straps.
AwayEmily says
This is a pet peeve of mine! My kids have narrow shoulders like mine and if they want to wear a backpack while bike-riding they really need the sternum strap. But there are so few backpacks that have them!
My older has an REI Workload Mini (22 liters) which I think was discontinued, but it has been amazing — three years of constant use and still in perfect shape. Makes me think other REI backpacks would be good if you can find one.
anon says
I like my Ospreys with chest straps.
Vicky Austin says
Long question for what is presumably a short answer: I am alone in the house with the baby and the dog for the next week, in extreme heat (we thought we left TX behind, surprise! triple digits here in the PNW), attempting to work from home during naps and keep everybody sane during the rest of the time. Oh, and it will be next week before the moving truck with all of our stuff gets here. Fun times. So! One of the things I am considering is taking DS for a “swim” in our bathtub. Functionally it will not be that different from a bath, except that I will get in with him and he will wear a swimsuit so we can stay in longer. Is this a terrible idea? Anything else I can try with a small baby, an empty house and the three toys we packed for the road trip?
Anon says
Sure why not?
And I’d send the dog to a pet sitter. I did that when solo parenting until kiddo was about 3, and we still do it when we travel and leave our kid with my mom. Much easier if the solo adult doesn’t have the distraction of a pet, especially in weather that isn’t conducive to being outside.
anon says
Is there a library near you? The ones near us have baby storytime and books for little kids. You can read to DS and enjoy a/c for a bit.
Bath isn’t a bad idea but be careful, babies are slippery!
Agree on sending dog to doggie daycare a bit. We did that after DD was born and neither of us could walk him reliably.
Anonymous says
is there a mall? could you bring stroller and mall walk (or sit) and enjoy the heavy AC for awhile?