Let’s Talk: The Transition from One to Two Kids

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a young girl holds a baby on her lap

We noticed an interesting article the other day in The Washington Post that we knew we had to talk about here — “The Singular Chaos of a Second Child” (gift link) by staff writer Caitlin Gibson. (Our last discussion like this was about a book excerpt in The Cut from I’ll Show Myself Out by Jessi Klein, about motherhood as a hero’s journey. I recommend the entire book!)

Gibson shares her experiences with having a new baby when her first child was 2 years old, and talked to other moms (no dads, though) about what it was like for them to add a second kid to the family, as well as a psychologist. We’d love to hear your thoughts, readers!

{related: how to decide how many kids to have}

Here are a few brief excerpts:

If you have one kid, and you’re expecting another, you might think you know something about what’s coming, and how to prepare for it. . . . Until this transition is upon you, the logistical and emotional chaos of having to divide your focus between two small humans (never mind yourself, never mind a partner) is hard to fathom.

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The research on adding a second kid to a family is a mixed bag: One study indicated that a second child can lead to a decline in happiness — but only for the mother; a father’s happiness appeared to hold steady between kids one and two. Numerous studies have suggested that having more kids can lead to decreased satisfaction in a marriage, but a 2015 study found that a marriage might actually be more resilient the second time around.

* * *

A few nights ago, I put my son in his crib and poked my head into his big sister’s room. . . . I was thinking about that first night at home with her brother, and how little I’d known then about all that would change, and all that would remain constant. Nearly three years later, my daughter doesn’t remember much of life before her little brother was part of it.

This article definitely struck a chord with Washington Post readers, because it got about 800 comments! Here’s a sampling of the extremely varied opinions that were shared:

The second kid is a logistical complication but not really a fundamental life-changing event in the way that your first kid is.

Our second kid broke our marriage.

A bigger gap helps a great deal. A four year old can be a big help with a new baby. And they don’t hit college at the same time!

So, readers with two or more kids, do tell: Do the excerpts and comments about resonate with you? What was the transition like from one child to two? Was it easier or harder than you expected? If you have more than two children, what were subsequent transitions like? We’ve heard some parents say that going from two to three turned out to be easier than one to two!

Stock photo via Stencil.

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Our hardest transition was from one to two kids. When we had one, it was easier for each parent to get some time to themselves for hobbies. Two kids threw that off significantly, especially for me. Once we’d worked out how to parent more than one while still maintaining some individual and couple time, the transition from two to three wasn’t hard.

I’m visiting my cousin on the weekend who has a 3 month old baby. I wanted to bring a small gift, what would you have liked at that time? I think she is still breastfeeding, at least partially. A small toy? Clothes for the baby – probably has enough?

One to two was our easiest transition by far (they are two years apart). Two to three was absolutely the hardest for us. Zero to one was easier than adding a third, but harder than adding a second for us.

I only have one, but I think spacing is a big factor. Most of my friends did two under 2 and had a pretty rough go of it. The people who spaced their kids at least 3 years apart seemed to have a much easier time.

I have two kids, 2.5 years apart. My kids have very different personalities – I think it’s common to have an easier first and then a second that rocks your world and makes you question your parenting, but in our case it was kind of the opposite! Our first is/was very active, sensitive and strong willed. Second is easier in a lot of ways, but also has his own unique challenges. I would say the first few years of toddler and baby are chaotic. I felt like I had no time for my own hobbies or really anything outside of taking care of these two. And then Covid hit when they were almost 4 and 1.5. Would not recommend. Even without Covid, traveling or going out in the early years is difficult, and we didn’t do much of it.

It’s really nice to seem them get along (mostly) now, and play together. They are close enough in age that they still play with the same things and enjoy the same outings. Their personalities balance each other out, and also lead to fights of course. I’m glad they have each other to share in this growing up experience. I’m an only child, so don’t have that, but then again, my husband has two brothers and they’re not particularly close so you never know.

Due next month with our 2nd so this is super timely for me! Please share everything! The good, the bad, the sweet, the ugly. My daughter is very sweet to her daycare friends, but will point to herself when asked where the baby is so I’m expecting this to rock her/our world. Pregnancy has also definitely already shifted our couple’s division of labor (it’s been rough on me) which is probably a good thing, but I’m also imaging adding a second kid will lead to a lot more work and a lot less solo time for both of us.