We noticed an interesting article the other day in The Washington Post that we knew we had to talk about here — “The Singular Chaos of a Second Child” (gift link) by staff writer Caitlin Gibson. (Our last discussion like this was about a book excerpt in The Cut from I’ll Show Myself Out by Jessi Klein, about motherhood as a hero’s journey. I recommend the entire book!)
Gibson shares her experiences with having a new baby when her first child was 2 years old, and talked to other moms (no dads, though) about what it was like for them to add a second kid to the family, as well as a psychologist. We’d love to hear your thoughts, readers!
{related: how to decide how many kids to have}
Here are a few brief excerpts:
If you have one kid, and you’re expecting another, you might think you know something about what’s coming, and how to prepare for it. . . . Until this transition is upon you, the logistical and emotional chaos of having to divide your focus between two small humans (never mind yourself, never mind a partner) is hard to fathom.
* * *
The research on adding a second kid to a family is a mixed bag: One study indicated that a second child can lead to a decline in happiness — but only for the mother; a father’s happiness appeared to hold steady between kids one and two. Numerous studies have suggested that having more kids can lead to decreased satisfaction in a marriage, but a 2015 study found that a marriage might actually be more resilient the second time around.
* * *
A few nights ago, I put my son in his crib and poked my head into his big sister’s room. . . . I was thinking about that first night at home with her brother, and how little I’d known then about all that would change, and all that would remain constant. Nearly three years later, my daughter doesn’t remember much of life before her little brother was part of it.
This article definitely struck a chord with Washington Post readers, because it got about 800 comments! Here’s a sampling of the extremely varied opinions that were shared:
The second kid is a logistical complication but not really a fundamental life-changing event in the way that your first kid is.
Our second kid broke our marriage.
A bigger gap helps a great deal. A four year old can be a big help with a new baby. And they don’t hit college at the same time!
So, readers with two or more kids, do tell: Do the excerpts and comments about resonate with you? What was the transition like from one child to two? Was it easier or harder than you expected? If you have more than two children, what were subsequent transitions like? We’ve heard some parents say that going from two to three turned out to be easier than one to two!
Stock photo via Stencil.
Anon says
Due next month with our 2nd so this is super timely for me! Please share everything! The good, the bad, the sweet, the ugly. My daughter is very sweet to her daycare friends, but will point to herself when asked where the baby is so I’m expecting this to rock her/our world. Pregnancy has also definitely already shifted our couple’s division of labor (it’s been rough on me) which is probably a good thing, but I’m also imaging adding a second kid will lead to a lot more work and a lot less solo time for both of us.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I have two kids, 2.5 years apart. My kids have very different personalities – I think it’s common to have an easier first and then a second that rocks your world and makes you question your parenting, but in our case it was kind of the opposite! Our first is/was very active, sensitive and strong willed. Second is easier in a lot of ways, but also has his own unique challenges. I would say the first few years of toddler and baby are chaotic. I felt like I had no time for my own hobbies or really anything outside of taking care of these two. And then Covid hit when they were almost 4 and 1.5. Would not recommend. Even without Covid, traveling or going out in the early years is difficult, and we didn’t do much of it.
It’s really nice to seem them get along (mostly) now, and play together. They are close enough in age that they still play with the same things and enjoy the same outings. Their personalities balance each other out, and also lead to fights of course. I’m glad they have each other to share in this growing up experience. I’m an only child, so don’t have that, but then again, my husband has two brothers and they’re not particularly close so you never know.
Anon says
I only have one, but I think spacing is a big factor. Most of my friends did two under 2 and had a pretty rough go of it. The people who spaced their kids at least 3 years apart seemed to have a much easier time.
AwayEmily says
YUP. I had two under two and while there are certainly advantages, I would not recommend it for people who are easily stressed/over-stimulated/etc. Honestly if I could go back I would space more like 3 years. There are 4 years between my 2nd and 3rd and WOW was her babyhood a lot easier. I remember almost nothing from my second kid’s.
Kate M says
Yes, BUT… close in age also means that they are often going to be MUCH closer. Anecdotal, but my kids (22 mo apart, now ages 4 and 6) are absolute best friends in the world. They play together every minute of the day. And I was exactly the same with my brother (18 mo apart) and am still super close to him. That pattern has been very consistent with friends with two kids close in age too (it gets more complicated with more than two kids so I’m talking exclusively about two kid families here)… under about 2.5 years apart and they will be together for almost everything and will likely play together constantly/be best friends as kids (anything is possible as they get older though)…think Bluey and her little sister Bingo. This is based on multiple 2-kid families we know/are in our family/who we are close to. In contrast, I’ve actually NEVER met kids who are farther apart than about 3 years in a two-kid family who are as close as all of those close-in-age siblings. My husband, for example, is a little over 4 years older than his brother and he just picked on him constantly, there were lots of jealousy issues when his little brother was born, etc. They’re close now as adults, but apparently it was rough through their ENTIRE childhood. So yes, it is hard on parents to have two close together (and OMG having a 3yo and 1yo when COVID hit was HELL), but it can give them such an amazingly close relationship… I honestly wouldn’t change it for the world…even if, maybe, it would have made my life a bit easier to space them out more.
Spacing says
One to two was our easiest transition by far (they are two years apart). Two to three was absolutely the hardest for us. Zero to one was easier than adding a third, but harder than adding a second for us.
anonM says
Can you expand on this? Considering adding a third, and the gap would be (minimally) 4.5 years to my next youngest, 6.5 years to oldest.
TTC for kid #3 says
I would like to know more on this as well
Stacy says
I’m visiting my cousin on the weekend who has a 3 month old baby. I wanted to bring a small gift, what would you have liked at that time? I think she is still breastfeeding, at least partially. A small toy? Clothes for the baby – probably has enough?
OOO says
I would bring a meal for the new parents. A frozen lasagna/casserole, or pick up takeout/sandwiches or pastries and coffee on your way to her house. If you want to get a gift for the baby, a board book would be nice.
Megan says
Bringing a meal is an AMAZING gift for new parents who are in the thick of things.
Anon says
A gift for mom. Baby is too young to care about a gift. +1 for a board book if you must get something for baby. I hated receiving baby clothes. They weren’t usually to my tastes and I felt obligated to put baby in them, at least for a photo.
Lisa M. says
Our hardest transition was from one to two kids. When we had one, it was easier for each parent to get some time to themselves for hobbies. Two kids threw that off significantly, especially for me. Once we’d worked out how to parent more than one while still maintaining some individual and couple time, the transition from two to three wasn’t hard.
Kate M says
Uh, how did you figure out individual time with two?? Mine are 4 and 6 and my husband and I have JUST started going on occasional dates again (we get a sitter for a few hours every couple weeks), but I have yet to figure out how to carve out anything beyond that or, specifically, any individual free time for me that isn’t “I’ll take a 15 min break to read something random on the internet before x” [getting the kids ready/making lunches/snacks/cleaning up/putting the kids to bed/any of a million other tasks that take up a full day, absolutely every day from 6:30am to 10:30pm, 365 days a year].
That, for us, was the part of going from 1 to 2 that was lifechanging. We could still carve out some free time with one. With 2, we get a few hours PER WEEK between work/kids/household responsibilities and it just isn’t enough. It’s getting easier as they get older but, as I said, mine are now 4 and 6 and I still find it really hard to find ANY real leisure time (not just recovery time, which is what a 15 min internet scroll is to me).
Megan says
Just a note here that I have a 2.5 year old and 8 month old. The younger is in bed by 7:15 and the older around 7:30 to 8. My husband and I then divide the tasks to get ready for the next day. We both clean up from supper. He removes and then reloads the dishwasher and sweeps. I make the kids lunches/bottles and throw in laundry. Chore time doubles as time to talk or listen to podcasts together. We are usually able to sit with a cup of tea and read from about 9:30 to 10 before we then get ready for bed. The basically decided that unless their was something critical going on, this time would be sacred. That helped us make it happen. It’s also really helped our marriage and stress levels to connect in this way.