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Anonymous says
Has anyone used chalkboard paint in their kids room and have any thoughts to share? Is it something you regret? Did you do green or black? Are there other color options? I am thinking of doing it on a small wall but worry I will have a never ending mess to clean up and it will be hard to repaint. Thanks!
Anon318 says
Chalkboard walls are super fun! We haven’t had one, but a friend did. If you do it and plan to use regular chalk instead of chalk pens (which are a great option, just pricier than regular chalk), have a plan for chalk dust. I don’t think I would do it in a carpeted room and our friend ran an air purifier that seemed to help with airborne chalk particles. We do have carpet, so I opted for a smaller chalkboard easel. The downside of the easel is only one child can draw at a time, but only one of my children really cared to do it anyway.
TheElms says
I don’t have a chalkboard wall, but I wouldn’t do it based solely on my experience with chalk on an easel in the house. The dust gets everywhere!!! Its one thing if its an adult writing a grocery list but little kids color in shapes and pictures with chalk and that makes so much chalk dust, which goes everywhere.
Cb says
This is weird but how are you with the sound of chalk? My stomach clenched just imagining it, so it’s a no go for me. Same with styrofoam, and dry feet on concrete.
Vicky Austin says
I can handle chalk (child of teachers?) but not styrofoam, shudder. My other weird thing is when the freezer drawers scrape on a thicker layer of frost. Urgh!
Lyssa says
We did a trick I saw online where you mix unsanded grout with regular paint, and did the lower portion of one wall with it (and the rest of the room with the same paint) – you can do this with any color. It worked fairly well, though didn’t get used quite as much as I thought it might. One problem was that we mainly used white chalk, which didn’t show very well on the light blue wall. But it blends very well – you wouldn’t know it was a chalkboard wall unless you really looked carefully, and there hasn’t been much mess other than a little chalk dust. Haven’t tried to repaint yet.
anon says
Prior owners of our house had a chalkboard wall in our now DD’s room. I thought about keeping it, but it needed a refresh and also didn’t like the look of a black stripe on the wall.
They are a pain to paint over; I needed primer then two coats. That said, it didn’t permanently damage the wall or anything, and I’d take those over removing glow in the dark stars from the ceiling anyday.
Cb says
We talk a lot about parenting woes but what is your kid(s) most positive attribute? The thing that makes you proud?
OOO says
My kid is outgoing, makes friends easily, and engages in conversation with adults and kids. I have been painfully shy all my life so I am glad DS is social.
Anon says
Same! I don’t know where it comes from but I’m so glad my daughter is this way.
Anonymous says
Willingness to try new things. We’ve travelled a lot with them since they were young and now in the elementary school years I appreciate their willingness and interest in trying new foods/visiting new places.
Anon says
My 15 year old son is exceptionally kind. His younger sister has some neuro-diverse characteristics, and she is his first love and priority, which has made my son wonderfully tolerant of differently abled kids. He is also wonderfully and exceptionally welcoming and inclusive of LGBTQ+ kids, as he has close family members and friends in the community. He is cisgender and all he wants to do is eat, sleep, and drink baseball, so it’s been an utter joy to see him inject tolerance, acceptance, and patience into a sport dripping with toxic masculinity and insane competitiveness (at least in our area). It also gives me hope as I see the general public becoming less tolerant of trans kids in particular. He was sometimes a hard younger kid in the day to day sense, as he has always had a deep physical need to be active, but I’m exceptionally proud of who he is as a person. I haven’t said this out loud to anyone but my husband, but I’m deeply proud that he’s been awarded the all-around award at three separate baseball camps by three separate coaches this summer. He is and will be a wonderful human being.
Cb says
I love that! Such a loving tribute to a wonderful boy, at a time when there are so many negative influences and pressures on boys.
Boston Legal Eagle says
So sweet. I hope this for my kids. I’ve always thought that I would rather my kids be bullied than be bullies (not that I want the former), as seeing them make fun of others would just be heartbreaking, especially as someone who was made fun of for being different.
Vicky Austin says
This is just lovely. Good for your son. Good for you and your husband for raising him.
Anon says
Thanks all :) Parenting is a tough road, and I so appreciate the support for my sweet boy.
OOO says
Congrats on raising a wonderful human! You said that you have only told DH how proud you are of DS. Have you told DS how proud you are of him? Maybe that’s a given but just wanted to make sure. People always appreciate this kind of affirmation, even teens!
Anon says
Or even better – have him overhear you tell someone else. He sounds like a great kid! Hope one of my daughters meets someone like him one day
GCA says
This is wonderful; I hope to raise my son to be like yours.
Cb says
And I realised I never replied to my own question…
My son is a bit dreamy, and has esoteric interests that don’t fit the kid mold but he’s so good-natured! Like he’s never the “best” at anything which can be frustrating for him, but is always game to give it a try. He’s spent 2 days at camp and the college-aged camp leader pulled DH aside to tell him how they’ve never met a kid so sweet and polite! We’ve had multiple staff members at camps/daycare etc tell us how “I know I shouldn’t have favourites, but…”
Boston Legal Eagle says
Similar to OOO above, my older kid is very social – outgoing and friendly with everyone. He is the life of the party type person that I always envied. Of course this comes with a lot of activity and rowdiness but I am trying to encourage the best parts of his personality.
My younger one is shyer, sweet and just so perceptive. He will always compliment me when I’m wearing a new shirt or get a haircut and he has such awareness of his emotions and ability to verbalize them, that, even now, I have trouble doing.
Anon318 says
I love this!!
DS has never met a stranger. He is extremely friendly and accepting of everyone around him, regardless of age, sex, or any other characteristic. He makes friends with other children extremely easily and delights adults who don’t expect a seven year old to want to carry on an intelligent conversation with them! He also has an extremely strong sense of justice, of right and wrong, and takes it upon himself to defend everyone around him.
DD has an amazing sense of self that does not change with environment or the people around her. She often says, “we are all weird and I love my kind of weird!” She’s so comfortable in her skin. I could not ask anything more for her!
Vicky Austin says
Mine is not even 4 months, but I just love how happy and expressive he is. I hope he stays that way.
Anonymous says
Granted, my son is only four, but his kindness/how considerate he is. Both of his preschool teachers are currently pregnant, and he asks them how they are feeling and if he can help make them feel better on a regular basis. He has made up a different song to sing to each baby (one is called “you always have a way back home”, and contains roughly 100 different verses). When he knows someone isn’t feeling well, he offers them a hug and says he will make them a chocolate cake because his grandma told him that “chocolate is sometimes medicine”. He is the first to offer a hug to a classmate that is feeling sad, and often tells me as I leave for work that he hopes everyone in my office has a great day! We remark that every day in DS’s world is the best day of his life, and he truly wants everyone else to have their best day too. His joy, kindness and consideration is infectious.
OOO says
This is soooo sweet! “Chocolate is sometimes medicine.” I’m going to use that!
Anonymous says
I love how willing my oldest is to try new things. Camp counselors often mention her great attitude. Sometimes it translates into risk taking on the playground or with her bike I don’t necessarily love, but in general it makes life and adventures with her so much fun.
My youngest is just a ray of sunshine- has been since she was a baby and still is. Wakes up happy and that’s her default throughout the day.
Anon says
I love the willingness to try new things. Those kids (and adults) make life more fun for everyone else.
anon says
My son (3) is very high energy which can be exhausting at times but he is a natural athlete.
He is also incredibly gregarious when not in pouty toddler mode. DH and I are both introverted, and I love watching him have so many friends and be so outgoing.
Mary Moo Cow says
My oldest daughter is a loyal friend. She’s selective in her friends and fiercely loyal to them. She has a sly sense of humor and loves to connect over being in on the joke.
My youngest is super smart but not yet aware of it and is a total goofball. She is developing an appreciation for physical comedy and making us laugh.
Thanks for this, Cb. I need to remember these traits and say them out loud sometimes.
Anon says
I don’t know that this is her most positive attribute, but my 2 year old has started to incorporate the word please into her demands and it’s adorable. “Help me please!” and “read the story please, Daddy” have been on repeat at our house.
Anonymous says
My son’s brain is just amazing – so verbal and literate, picks up languages without effort, can do any accent, makes brilliant language jokes and rhymes, makes up years-long imaginary worlds (some of which he has been adding to for 5 years). We just love watching where he’ll go next.
Anon says
I’m pregnant with our first (and planned only) and we need to think through guardianship options. There are three options. Caveat that I love these people and think they have many other wonderful qualities, but what I’m going to write might sound harsh because I have to look at the reality that would affect my child.
My cousin (let’s call her Susie): my best friend in the world, a mother herself so my child would have cousins right there, someone I trust to raise my child with respect for our values and for the child as a person. Cons: her parenting is loving but very heavy on anxiety; her husband is a complete manbaby who pulls 1/20th of his weight and the resulting frequent tension between them is not the positive, warm family environment I value; their day-to-day finances are not in amazing shape due to low-paid jobs (although they have a safety net from $500,000 inheritance and will likely get more when her father dies), and they live in a deep red, completely psycho state, albeit right on the border with a blue state. Not all red states are psycho, but this one is. It also has bad pollution and poor school systems and few cultural opportunities. If she were married to a different man and they lived in a blue state, she’d be close to a no-brainer, but alas.
Option 2: Susie’s sister, Bonnie: also a close friend, a very smart person who works in STEM and is ok with money, someone I trust to do her very best to raise my child, resident of the blue state bordering Susie’s state. Her husband isn’t my absolute favorite person, but it’s more annoying personality quirks than true dealbreakers. Cons: she does not plan to have kids herself and I would hesitate to thrust one upon her, even though I know she would take him/her in; she’s so cheap on the money side and ends up turning down wonderful opportunities because of it; she’s pretty low-energy and I feel like my child would spend a lot of time on the couch with her, which bugs me because travel, fun, the outdoors, and activity are really important values to me. Between the cheapness and the energy issues, I honestly think my child would spend every single weekend indoors marathoning TV. Another important consideration is that Bonnie can be pretty insecure. She would get plenty of advice from Susie, but I’m not sure she really would want the responsibility of taking in another child, even though I’m positive that she would say yes if I asked.
Option 3: my half-brother, Joe. Very smart, successful in a stable job, very aligned with my values in terms of the outdoors, adventures, and experiences, in a long-term relationship, lives in the same blue state I do, generally a good, solid person you can trust. We had a family emergency last year and I was so impressed with the way he reacted. Cons: I’m not sure he wants kids (last we talked, he was undecided and he’s still in his 20s) and we’re not as close as I am to Susie and Bonnie. I also think a few of his values aren’t the best fits for ours (namely related to substance use – he’s the type who thinks mushrooms are enlightening).
again, I love all of these people. I just have to be critical for this decision. WWYD?
Anon says
Pick Susie.
Anon says
+1 to Susie – And great job thinking preparing this stuff now. We did estate planning a year ago, and we also ended up prioritizing family that already had kids as our child’s guardians. Versus friends and family that think they want to be child free.
If you’re not already working with a lawyer, you might also want to start thinking who you’d feel comfortable appointing as a medical and financial power of attorney, if you and spouse are incapacitated and can not make decisions. For us, we ended up going with the same people we appointed as our child’s guardian.
Spirograph says
+1 to Susie. My siblings are child-free, and while I’m sure they would step up if they needed to, I would never “inflict” that kind of a lifestyle change on someone who didn’t choose it when I had other options.
Anon says
If you do, I’d have the trustee of the trust for your child be a different person so her husband doesn’t spend the money you leave
anon says
This is a good point. DH and I have 1 brother each. We picked my brother for guardian because of parenting style, proximity, and higher responsibility but both our brothers manage the trust.
Our lawyer described it as not having the fox guarding the hen house. AKA person in charge of kid also having full control of finances.
NYCer says
I would 100% pick Susie.
FVNC says
+1 for Susie. And, since you’re going through this exercise I assume it’s in the context of drafting a will — consider setting up a trust for kiddo with a trustee who is good with money if Susie isn’t.
Anon says
the odds of you and your husband being unable to care for your child before they turn 18 are, blessedly, low. And, different parents will be right for different ages/types of kids. And who knows what might happen to any of these people in the next 18 years. Point being, I think you are overthinking this. Go with the person most likely to be happy to do it/have a stable life. Sounds like susie. You can also name one of hte others to be the person in charge of any money left for the kids (I forget the word for this) before they turn 18, and in that way, kind of split the difference.
Anon says
OP here and I think Susie would definitely be happiest to do it and that is a major pro for her, but I’m not sure about the stability. I think divorce is a real risk for them and they are down to under $500 in their savings (in no small part due to her husband’s absolute refusal to meaningfully contribute). I guess the money we would offer would help, but still, stability isn’t the first word that springs to mind, and I do have grave concerns about their white supremacist, gun-toting neighbors. Ugh, this is hard.
TheElms says
Susie. Especially if you would be in a position to leave any inheritance for your kid to help with the money issues.
Anonymous says
Having kids already is a big one. I think living nearby is also a useful factor. Doesn’t sound like it applies to your candidates, but if I had a good option that meant my child wouldn’t be pulled away from their school, friends, etc, I would weight that heavily.
Cerulean says
You really need to pick someone who wants kids. When we made this choice, I reminded myself that 1. there is a vanishingly low possibility of both my husband and I both passing or being incapacitated while our kid is a minor and 2. if that were to happen, it’s already a really difficult situation, so my kid would have struggles even with the world’s most perfect guardian.
Financially, you need to make sure that you have estate and/or life insurance money to protect your child from economic hardship, so their finances shouldn’t be as much of a factor as long as they’re relatively stable (and I mean that in a “can pay the regular bills” fine, not in a “max out your 401k”sense). I would pick Susie, no question.
Anon says
OP and that’s what’s giving me pause about Susie, who I otherwise trust without question. Since they had their first kid (she’s pregnant with their second, planned last), their financial stability has decreased. They’ve taken on (a small amount) of credit card debt, have drained savings just to cover monthly expenses, and are experiencing a lot of stress about it. Part of me thinks that I shouldn’t worry so much because our money would help/they might not be this unstable forever, but it does give me pause that they’re living paycheck to paycheck now and her husband is incapable of contributing to right the ship.
anon says
Didn’t you say Susie recently got a $500k inheritance and will likely get more when her father dies?
Anon says
It wasn’t recent, but yes, Susie inherited about $500K almost ten years ago. Bonnie got the same amount. Bonnie’s is completely tied up in growth-oriented investments and Susie has used hers to generate income for living expenses. She told me she wants to shift away from drawing down on it because she’d rather save it and manage their budget solely on their salaries, but they haven’t been able to and they are having trouble covering their expenses, even with help from the inheritance. Susie is in a field that doesn’t have much growth potential (state government job in a notoriously low-paying state) and her husband is…not interested in a good job.
Anon says
I mentioned this above but if you pick Susie the money should be in a trust with a different trustee
Anon says
OP here and I think that’s very important. If I did pick Susie, I think I would make Joe the trustee. Both Susie and Bonnie have fears/anxieties around investing (basically they got these inheritances suddenly, during a traumatic situation, and don’t know that much about investment and find it “overwhelming.”) Bonnie has cobbled together some understanding, more than Susie, but I honestly think both would freak out if I asked them to administer our estate.
SC says
Get life insurance, set up a trust, and appoint someone else the trustee. That should address most of the money concerns about Susie.
Anonymous says
I’d go with Joe if he is local. Not uprooting our kids and them having to move to a new house/new school/new city etc in addition to losing us was a key factor. We have local grandparents who are involved but not able to be full time caregivers, all our siblings are not local, so we went with close friends who our kids see regularly and are unofficial aunt/uncle.
Mary Moo Cow says
I would also go with him, and am surprised how many said Susie. OP, I just felt in your descriptions that you had hesitations about the others and a real warmth about Joe. He’s the one you had the least negative things to say about, too. He’s also family, which is plus for me, in terms of keeping ties with your family and being a resource for your child about family history (relationships but also health information that might come up down the road.)
Anonymous says
Agree. This is huge! Also surprised by how many people said Susie. I would also add my parents redid their will a few times as my sibling and I grew up and changed who got us based on locality and our preferences- first it was my mom’s sister who lived far away, but as we got into school they changed it to my dad’s sister.
anonM says
+1 if Joe is local. Two things to think about -1) does Joe want to agree to this? 2) would Joe be willing to live in your house or school district? We have now decided my mom will be the guardian because she would move into our house so our kids would have continuity of school, neighbors, and my close friends geographically nearby to help. If Joe is local, he can also continue family holiday traditions, which would be very important if the circumstances arise where he would end up guardian. As for his shrooms take, I wouldn’t GAF what he does on a weekend where the kids are staying elsewhere, so long as you trust him to have the maturity to understand he should don’t that WITH your kids in his care. If you trust his judgment, let his recreational habits lie.
An.On. says
Where are the rest of the people located that you’d want to be involved in your child’s life (i.e. any grandparents, etc)? Which of your guardians would do best keeping up the relationship with these people? I think designating a non-parent as a guardian is a big reach unless you’ve had discussions with them before and they’ve been on board with it.
Anon says
OP here and my parents are in my state (where Joe is also located), but they’re 500 miles from Joe. We wouldn’t choose my parents because of age/health, but of course would like them to be involved. DH’s mother and extended family are all in another country, which is why they’re not on the list.
The upheaval point is important, but unfortunately, we don’t have a single local candidate.
Anonymous says
This sways things in favor of Joe. He’s local to your parents and would able to help keep contact there. Sounds like he might be close enough to move to your location temporarily to let them finish out a school year or whatever. And your kids would be familiar with visiting grandparents there.
We also have DH’s family in another country and we visit annually. My MIL is always wanting to try new places and tour around to other places but my kids love going to the same ice cream shop, the same small amusement park and the same playground as they have for the last ten years. There’s a level of familiarity there that makes them feel at home and your parents/Joe’s city may feel that way to your kids. Your kids would have specific memories of spending time with you in locations in that city.
Anon says
I would go with Joe. That said, what option would be the best dealing with a VERY traumatized kid? I chose unexpected people for my kids because I knew they’d bring them to therapy and not add too much additional upheaval (moving far distances, to states that could be dangerous to them) to their lives.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yeah, agree with the second sentence. This won’t be Susie or Joe as they currently are, this would be them with children who have just lost both parents, and who have lost their cousin or sister. Your kids will be traumatized. Who will be the best person to get them the help they need, and still take care of their day to day needs?
Anon says
+1 from the Anon below. My best friend lives 5 minutes from me, is financially very well off, and values the same types of activities I do. In some ways, she’s an obvious choice. But she also isn’t a parent, doesn’t want to be, and wasn’t super close to her parents/siblings. I did not pick her for my kids because I just don’t think she will be able to appreciate how great of a trauma this would be for my kids. I think she’d put together a life that would look very similar to their lives now and would take them to therapy, but wouldn’t really be able to offer the emotional support or love they’d need. Thus, I picked my brother with the understanding that my kids will be LOVED but the extra kids will be overwhelming (though I think this will be increasingly less true, as they have shown themselves to be awesome with older kids), and so added extra insurance funds to help manage the day to day.
Anon says
I would do Susie for now, but consider shifting as your child ages. My husband lost his parents at a relatively young age, and I would put the person who would put emotional well being ahead of any external factors, unless you have a great option who could let your child stay put in the same school district. Ultimately, while schools, pollution, outdoor time, etc. matter, your child’s most acute need in this scenario is their mental health and sense of security. You will want to find a person who will love on your child and help them secure the emotional help they need. For my family, my guardians are my brother and sister in law, and the brutally honest assessment is that I think my 3 will overwhelm them (they really struggled with having 2 when their kids were younger), but I also picked them over other options because they are most likely to give genuine love to my children and emotionally help them. I also took their personalities and limitations into consideration when buying life insurance, and absolutely over bought with instructions to them that some be used to hire more help if they end up with our kids.
In your case, you can pick Susie, but add some extra funds to what you otherwise would buy in life insurance with instructions that it be used for a big summer trip or special summer camps or other opportunity expanding uses.
Anonymous says
I think you’re way too far in the weeds. You need someone who loves you and will love your child. That’s it. If you and your husband are both dead that is the tragedy not too much couch time or an annoying husband. I’d pick your brother!
Vicky Austin says
My gut says Joe, Susie, Bonnie, in that order.
It’s possible that much may change between now and any need for your child to actually go to a guardian, and you could change your will if you needed to. Susie may divorce her terrible husband and move, thus rocketing to the top of your list. Joe may have his own kids and give up mushrooms forever. Or maybe he leans into mushroom life and you can bump him down the list.
We are choice #2 for my BFF’s kid behind his paternal grandma, and considering how to update our wills for our own kid, and I’m really glad you posted this. It’s given me lots of good things to consider from both sides.
GCA says
I agree with this order and with the notion of updating your plans if things change. Hopefully your family will never be put in that situation, but Joe sounds very solid for someone who is still quite young.
Anony says
We picked “our” Joe (also younger, undecided about future family plans, finds mushrooms enlightening). We were also torn while I was pregnant, but it became very clear to us that this was the right choice because he became very close with our child once he was here. He really really loves his uncle, and I know in a tragic situation it would be very comforting to be with him (and on the other side of that, he would want to be there for our child). The fact is that if this hypothetical ever became a reality, it would be a horrible situation and upend the lives of the people close to us, so perfection is not possible, and we trust that he would seek out the help and support he needed. The Joe in our lives isn’t interested in finance and would find managing a trust to be a headache, so we actually appointed a different trustee – a friend who is close to our child, but wouldn’t be in a position to be a full-time caregiver for health reasons.
Anon says
I would pick Joe, assuming you talk with him and he is willing to do it (and excited isn’t quite the right word, but his willingness isn’t out of a sense of obligation). The substance abuse issue wouldn’t personally bother me given that he is young, although i would start to feel differently about that if it doesn’t change when he is in his late 30s or 40s. And I personally think that what matters is whether the person likes kids, not if they already have them. If both you and your husband die, it will be a traumatic time for you kid and I would prefer someone who could focus on my kid instead of of having my kid being one of 4? 5?
Anonymous says
Pick Susie and if her financial situation gives you pause, make sure you have a ton of life insurance. Susie’s financial picture should be a total non-issue.
DH and I are insured for 2.5M each which, coupled with our assets, means our kids’ guardian would have no issues with an appropriate sized home and school expenses for all our kids.
Anon says
I would also pick Susie and just get a ton of life insurance.
Anonymous says
We went with the least worst, which happens to be my brother who has an unstable income and a criminal record (did jail time for a DUI).
But…he loves kids and would be a great stay at home parent if he was tasked with it and provided the finances to do it. He would move in and step up for my kids if needed. He is close to my father (emotionally and physically) and would take his council which is a good thing.
Our options were:
DH’s parents (too old and too far away, also has been way way too long since they’ve hand to manage children.)
My mom- not a stable person but loves the kids. Will have a cow not being the guardian but needs to be out of decision making capability.
My dad- youngest of all the parents, would do okay, and was the runner up but my kids would fare better keeping him as a grandpa. Her do it if my brother couldn’t.
DH’s half sister- religious nut, bad with money, lives across the country. She’s a 2nd runner up but it would be really hard for my kids and they barely know her.
My sister- would be the best choice because she’d be a great parent and has no kids. But she’s bipolar and a (usually) recovering alcoholic and it’s just not a risk we can take. She and my brother are close and she’d be an appropriate presence in their lives.
Anon says
It looks like that’s zero votes for Bonnie…
Anon says
I’d encourage you to rethink ruling out grandparents just because of age. Mine are pretty old (they were 66 & 68 when our only child was born) and are now mid-70s, but we named them guardians for a variety of reasons (proximity to us so kid wouldn’t be uprooted, very close relationship to kid, very affluent). We trust them to find suitable secondary guardians (likely my best friend) if they can no longer become suitable caregivers at some point in the future. And kiddo will likely be old enough at that point to have a better understanding of what is going on and provide her input.
Anonymous says
This is a good idea. I know a family who has the older grandparents named now that the children are middle school aged. They have expressed encouraged/requested that if something where to happen, the grandparents hire a full time nanny with the life insurance money to assist with day to day care like extra laundry/cooking/driving to and from evening activities (the grandparents don’t love driving at night). People think of life insurance money as ‘buy a bigger house’ money when people take on more kids but it can also be used to provide a higher level of childcare to reduce physical labor associated with guardianship.
Anon says
OP here and it’s more health than age – don’t want to get into the details but they’re not suitable due to health reasons. Otherwise, I love the idea of it. DH’s family isn’t an option either, unfortunately, since they don’t live in the U.S.
Anonymous says
Openness of Susie’s husband to contact with DH’s family and embracing of dual culture kids would be a factor for me as well.
Anon says
Susie + large life insurance policies + knowing you can re-address down the line.
Anon says
Reading all your responses here, I think your gut wants you to pick Joe, and so this internet stranger gives you permission to do so (despite me initial suggesting Susie upthread). My dear friend picked her very similar brother, and because his life is so stable (and so is my friend’s life – also an intentional only), both were able to make very intentional decisions and conscious efforts to make sure Joe was included in her daughter’s life (i.e., no other kids’ activities to balance for Joe, both Joe and my friend have extra funds for extra trips, etc.). The two are very close now, and while it may have been tough if something happened when her daughter was a young infant, there is a wonderful bond there now that would make it a great choice.
anon says
Agreed. OP it sounds like you want to go with Joe. I would have a serious conversation with him about it, and assuming he is on board, just go with that for now. Fortunately, this is something that can be easily changed.
anon says
Initially, I thought Susie, but I just might change my mind to Joe, even though he doesn’t have kids. I personally have ruled out my brother as a potential guardian even though he’s a loving, caring parent who would absolutely step up if the worst happened. Unfortunately, I have many many many reservations about his wife, from financial stability to her ability to handle responsibility and overall decision making. I don’t particularly like or respect her, and I absolutely would not trust my SIL to not make life difficult for everyone if she were saddled with two more kids.
anon says
I forgot the point I was going to make, which is that the guardian’s spouse can DEFINITELY be a consideration in whether you’d want them caring for your kids. In my case, it’s a heck no. I will go with another family member who is also not perfect but doesn’t have the wild card of a spouse I don’t like.
Anonymous says
I had a similar situation with my sister. She is a great mom but her husband spouts a variety of extreme right wing views that would be very upsetting to my child to be around and I do not trust that he would not kick an LGBT child out of the house (none of my kids are out but who knows). So she is off the list. If she divorced him, she would be my first choice.
Anony says
I agree with this too. One of my SILs was a nonstarter partly because of her husband (among other issues, he is sketchy enough in his personal dealings that I wouldn’t trust him not to skim off my kid’s money, somehow, even with a separate financial trustee). Conversely, the family member we chose moved up on our list when after marrying someone fantastic – it made us feel more comfortable that there would be a lot of support for our child.
Anon says
Thanks so much, everyone. This was very helpful.
Anonfor says
Advice or book recs for talking to little ones about chronic illness? I was recently diagnosed with lupus (posted about it on the main board) and have been having a hard time physically and emotionally. I know my 3.5 year old knows something is going on but we haven’t been totally direct about it, just talk about how I’m tired and need a rest sometimes, things like that. An additional layer of complexity – perhaps coincidental, perhaps not- she’s been fixated on a page in a book about RBG that talks about Ruth’s mother dying. So I don’t want to conflate this idea of mommy is sick with the fear that mommy is going to die soon.
Anonymous says
I would contextualize it with introducing the notion that some people’s bodies have conditions that need to be treated for their whole life and they learn to live with the condition. Good concrete examples are type 1 diabetes/food allergies/ asthma – you have to manage these conditions for your whole life. Like only eating certain foods and avoiding certain activities and carrying medication with you. That different conditions require people to manage them in different ways and you can introduce the name of your condition and some of the things you have to do to manage it.
Cb says
Fellow lupus mom over here. We never used books but do talk about it in the context of sometimes mumma can’t play/needs rest etc. My husband explained it to my son when he was about your daughter’s age and I was struggling a bit, and that seemed to work.
Best wishes for a solid, sustainable treatment option. I got diagnosed at 14 and am 38 now, and it’s just a thing I deal with.
govtattymom says
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this! My daughter has the book “My Special Butterfly.” It does a good job of explaining why mom has to miss certain activities. Honestly, my daughter is pretty uninterested in my illness lol (although it impacts her in more ways than she realizes). Sending you hugs as you navigate this journey- let me know if you want to connect!
Anon says
How much time a day do you spend with older kids, and how is it different than littles? It feels like during preschool it’s 24/7 with baths, dressing, reading, managing tantrums but that older kids (say 9+) it’s rare to spend time together unless you are eating a meal together; driving them somewhere, they come to you with something, or maybe doing a family activity on weekends. Just curious how this changes with age and what people on w typical day do with their older kids?
Anonymous says
I still read to my 8 year olds because we are having fun reading Harry Potter together. We read each book then watch the movie. Each kid is different – my 11 yr old wasn’t so into the read aloud as long but liked to curl up with a book on opposite ends of the sofa.
Other than that – we go to the lake together, hikes, grocery shopping, bookstore, talk about future travel plans (haul out maps and stuff), walk the dog. cooking or baking together. Kids are into watching the kid cooking shows and want to try stuff out which still requires some supervision. Fall/winter/spring we do games night on Friday and movie night on Saturday, taking turns picking. Summer that falls away with longer evenings outside.
Each family is different – we do more stuff with our kids at this age than I remember my parents doing with my sister and I. I was a voracious book worm as a child though so I didn’t really want my parents to bug me about doing stuff together.
Mary Moo Cow says
DH and I are also reading Harry Potter with our 8 year old, and we used Little Sister being out of the house for a few hours one night to watch the second movie with her. It was lovely. I wish I had more one on time with her, and HP seems to be a good boding route for us.
FVNC says
This hasn’t really changed for us (yet?). My oldest is nearly 10, and she still wants to be in close proximity to me most of the time when we’re all home. As in, she may be reading a book or doing homework, but she wants to do it in the living room rather than her bedroom. She also still wants someone to read with her before lights-out at bedtime and cuddles with us in the morning. She and her younger brother often play together independently, but again, they prefer to do so close to me or my husband (as our basement/playroom goes unused :)
Boston Legal Eagle says
All of this, although mine are younger at 7 and 4.5. They still play near us, even if they’re playing together. I have yet to have a child go into their room willingly! Our basement/playroom is also storage space…
Anon says
This makes me happy, since you hear so much about how awful kids (girls especially) are beginning around age 9 or so.
Anonymous says
What? I have literally never heard this. Our 11 year old is great now and was great at 9. Is she sometime more emotional? Definitely! But she still loves going to the climbing gym or biking with her dad or cooking/baking/shopping/crafting with me.
Anon says
Maybe “awful” is too harsh, but I’ve definitely heard that girls don’t want much to do with their parents beginning around age 9 or 10 so I’m happy to hear these anecdotes.
Anon says
My best way to stay involved with older kids is to get into their sports or activities. I have the baseball player above, and I go out and play catch with him a lot. I’m not a great ball player, but have improved by playing with him, and I think he loves to teach me skills/random facts about baseball. Sometimes I can’t handle hearing another stat or esoteric rule or it’s hot or buggy etc., but we always end up laughing over a silly catch one of us makes. My daughter is into theater, and we read lines together if she’s in a play or I have her put on the music from her favorite musicals and tell me about it while I cook or clean the dishes or whatever. Again, it can be mind numbing, but it’s a great way to connect bc they get to teach me about something.
On weekends, if we aren’t at a play or a game, I try to find unique things to do as a family out of the house (we all get stir crazy locked into the house together), and one of our favorite family activities is tubing at a local river. No one can be on devices, and it’s a great way to connect outside.
Anon says
Not relevant for me yet (no older kids in our house), but looking back to my childhood, one thing I really ended up loving was being incorporated into my father’s hobbies, skiing and biking. He just brought me along and we made it work, although there were times I had to be dragged out there kicking and screaming. Looking back, it was such high-quality together time – no screens, learning and taking risks, good conversations, time in nature. That’s what I hope to prioritize when the time comes (versus quality time at home or around kids’ activities – those are good too, but some are transient whereas adult hobbies can last a happy lifetime).
Mary Moo Cow says
I wonder if the micro generation of kids who were elementary school during the pandemic will be a little different, a little more homebody, a little more used to spending time with their parents than previous generations. I chalk some of that up to being home and being around both parents working from home for so long. Extracurriculars, playdates, and birthday parties just didn’t exist for so long, they didn’t have options other than hanging out with us.
I feel like I spend as much time with my 8 and 6 year old as I did when they were preschoolers; it just looks different. They are always around; birthday parties and playdates only happen a few times a month, and I WFH two days a week so I’m home when they get home from school. We also eat dinner together every night. When they were in preschool, I worked in the office 5 days a week, had errands to run on the weekends, and they went to bed so early, it seemed like I hardly saw them and was missing out. This summer has too much unstructured childcare and I would love to see a bit less of them during the week. :)
SC says
I don’t know about the generation as a whole, but the pandemic showed me how much better my son does as a homebody. We’ve become really selective about birthday parties, playdates, and family outings. We haven’t enrolled Kiddo in any intensive sports. When he has enough downtime, he’s just so much more relaxed and less irritable. It does feel like many other families in our community have returned to previous levels of birthday parties and sports, but maybe there are some other holdouts who remain general homebodies.
Anonymous says
I plan fun stuff for my 10 year old and i to do. Also, I go to all her sports ball games and DH and I have coached her at various points.
We’ve done movies, sports games, mini/pedis (home and salon), did a Mom and me barre class (it was for elem kids), that kind of thing. I take her to Starbucks a lot :).
TAX Q says
Married and filing jointly with two kids. My pay check lists allowances as “N/A” for federal, and 0 for city and state. Do my kids not count as allowances?
I tried to look this up but couldn’t find anything that explained this in a way I understood. TIA.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I think they do count, but we always fill these out as if we were single, otherwise we get hit with higher taxes upon tax filing. It’s geared towards one income earner when you take allowances, so when you have two earners, you need to withhold more or pay more at tax time. (*Note, I am not a tax professional!!)
Anon says
This. We normally get a big refund so we could probably adjust our allowances upwards, but I’m very cautious about owing money come April.
Anonymous says
I have zero withholding allowances and an additional amount withheld. Otherwise we end up with underwithholding and a massive bill at tax time.
Anon says
Brands for kids twin size mattresses? I’d like to get something “organic” and have heard of avocado. Any other suggestions?
sleepy says
highly recommend nectar. I wish I had one.
undecided says
I know this has been discussed a lot before but I just cannot decide on whether our family of 4 should be a family of 5. I have a neurodiverse almost 5 year old (ADHD, can’t handle a full day of school, and needs a lot from us, especially me, even though we have a full time nanny) and an easy as they come 2 y.o. I’m approaching late 30s, my partner is a bit older and handled (and still handles) a lot of the nighttime stuff, but knows he doesn’t want to do that again when he is too old so we need to make a decision. He wants our 5 y.o. to be “figured out more” before we start trying (if at all) but I’m not sure if this will ever happen? It feels like my vision for the future family is against the immediate hellscape of 3 kids would be. I am one of 2 and I wanted more than anything to have a little sibling and my 2 y.o. is similar in every way to me. Our nanny is amazing and we are going to keep her anyway, so financially wouldn’t be that big a difference right now.
What else do we need to consider? We keep putting it off but we gave ourselves the end of the year to decide.
Anonymous says
I don’t see any reason why you would have a third. Your hands are already full with two.
Anon says
It seems like now really isn’t the right time for a third, but I don’t think you have to take it off the table completely. In my circles at least it’s common to have a larger gap between 2 and 3 than between 1 and 2. I even know a couple moms who added a third when the second was already in elementary school.
Mary Moo Cow says
I could see the reason to have a third being simply that the heart wants what the heart wants.
DH and I somewhat uneasily came to the decision that we weren’t going to have a third, but I know plenty of people who have gone the other way. As a coworker said, “we realized if we were still talking about it, we probably wanted it, so we went for it.” I have also heard people say that they never regret the kid even if they resent the lifestyle changes. It is not an easy decision to make. I think most people I know ultimately just hold their nose and jump in before they change their mind.
Anonymous says
50% more children sounds like it would be a lot for your family. I have 3 -they get along great and are pretty easy going to but 2-3 is a huge change. The world is built for families with 2 kids. Hotel rooms often have two
queen sized beds and rules vary on if you can add a cot. We managed to fit 3 across in daycare years but now we are shopping for a three row vehicle. Getting one on one time with each child is really challenging. DH and I don’t have a lot of time together and anecdotally, it’s harder and more expensive to find an evening babysitter for 3 kids vs 2.
It depends a lot on what your family activities are – we found that skiing was one of the most challenging with 3 kids and ended up shelling out a ton on lessons for the oldest so she could ski independently next to us while we worked with the younger kids. We can’t all go to the local indoor bouldering gym because of the 1:1 ratios they require for younger kids. Little stuff like that can be a pain.
Anon says
I wouldn’t project that your 2 yo is like you and will wants a sibling. More than anything kids want their needs met and a happy, stable household. That has to be #1 and #2. A sibling is at least #3 on the list, if not lower.
What will you do if #3 is twins or has similar issues to #1? Will you still be able to keep it together as a family? Will you still have the bandwidth to meet the needs of #1 and #2?
Anon says
Yeah, that seemed like an odd way to talk about a 2 year old to me too. It’s way too early to label them your twin in terms of personality.
Also, someone has to be the last kid, right? What happens when kid #3 wants a baby sibling? Are you going to have a fourth to make them happy? If not (and I’m assuming not), it’s sort of odd to me that you’d give your second kid’s opinion weight, but not your third kid’s.
But I am also of the mind that kids don’t get a say in family planning. I have an only who would love a sibling but isn’t getting one.
anon says
Kids definitely don’t get a say in family planning. My 8 yo also wants a pet cheetah, so no, her desire for a baby sister does not mean that I want to start all over again.
Anon says
Right, it’s hard for me to take my 5 year old’s requests for a sibling seriously when she’s also asking for a unicorn in a regular basis.
More seriously, I do think a sibling would likely add to her lifetime happiness, but having parents who are happy, not too stressed out, happily married and financially comfortable is even more important to her long term happiness than a sibling and it’s ok for adults to make the decision that maximizes family stability and happiness.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Anon 2:39 absolutely. As someone who once wrote her parents a letter asking for a sibling, I will tell you I am happy now. I can’t say what my life would have been with a sibling, but it’s possible that I then wouldn’t have made the close friends I have now, who are so special to me (and I to them, hopefully).
anon says
Well, as a parent of a kid with ADHD? I absolutely would not have a third. Your oldest is likely to always need more from you. It changes over time, of course, but ADHD is never really “figured out more.”
Anonymous says
This. It would not be fair to #2 or #3 to have another. It will just reduce the limited amount of attention you already have available for #2.
Anonymous says
I have 3 and one with adhd. It’s a lot. Our 3rd is easy, and I’m so glad we have her.
That said, the changes of another kid with adhd are pretty high. I would go into 3 knowing another adhd kid is a very real possibility.
Anon says
1) It’s in the realm of normal for a 4yo not to be able to handle a full day of school. One generation ago 4yo preK was three mornings a week and kindergarten was a half day because of this. Just because society has changed doesn’t mean 4yos have.
2) Neurodivergence is not a death sentence, or an automatic NO to having more kids. How are you proactively working to help your child/family in this area? A lot of strategies that work for kids with ADHD are excellent for all kids, but it is a long journey of personal growth as a parent to be able to respond as an ND child needs.
3) I have a very challenging 8yo (suspected ADHD/anxiety, working through it), a moderately challenging 5.5yo (possibly more ND) and a 2yo who is a toddler aka handful by default. I myself have OCD and possibly more! But I’ve been working A LOT on my coping skills and parenting toolbox, and we are discerning a 4th. I love having kids and a bigger family, and to me this current hard isn’t the same as “bad” and feels worth it even on the worst days.
3B. I am a SAHM. Whether that makes it harder or easier is up for debate. It is definitely more parenting stress for me and I am point person for all of us and our “issues”. I am always “on” and bear the brunt of kids’ misbehavior. But I have no job stress, and being with my kids every day has helped me “figure them out” more and become more patient.
It’s pretty icky that some commenters are implying a ND kiddo is a liability; we are all complex individuals who go through stages of more and fewer challenges. But, the point that you don’t want to spread yourself too thin for your kids is a good one.
Anon says
I think you being SAHM is a huge factor. That’s in no way a criticism of you, but on the main page thread the other day a *lot* of people said three kids is the tipping point where two big jobs become unsustainable, even without neurodivergence or special needs. It’s definitely something for OP to think about unless she wants to lean way out or quit.
Anon says
No offense taken – I agree with you, especially for my personality. I would absolutely not be able to have three kids with a job, and I do want to be home and revolve my day around kid/home things. I included that data point because for me, that’s how I make it work. But maybe some other woman would picture hearing her kids yell for 10 hours straight (just on the worst days, lol) and think that sounds much worse, and would be harder for them to keep it together or be patient for their kids.
In general I agree that three kids takes career sacrifice in one way or another…that may be more of the pertinent question for OP ask herself. The ADHD is a complicating factor, but three kids requires a bigger lifestyle shift than two no matter what.
Anonymous says
Nice for you if you enjoy martyrdom, but everyone’s limits are different and it sounds like OP’s husband has met his and wisely doesn’t want to take on more than he can handle.
Anon says
Keep in mind that your family of 5 may become a family of 6 :) Ours did. It works for us, candidly, because I was already in a wildly flexible job, and my husband is highly, highly compensated at his position. I also have a ND kid, and adding two more kids definitely created more resource scarcity than I was prepared for when we went for a “third”. With the benefit of hindsight, I can say that I always, always would have regretted not going for a third, so even though it is crazy at times, I have no regrets. My husband would say that he loves each kid deeply, but felt the strain of responsibility of a big job and a big family acutely when they were all younger. The twins are now 6, so things have definitely leveled off, but we had some tough years in there while in the weeds of two toddlers, a ND 6 year old, and an 8 year old. Honestly, having an extra budget to hire help so we could devote time to our marriage and our older kids as individuals is what helped us all get through a few really hard years. I lost a lot of sleep during those years worried that it was too much pressure on my husband, and that if he lost or needed to change his job, it would have been extremely difficult on all of us. Now that the twins are 8, the four of them have coalesced beautifully. I’m thrilled we are on this side of it, and think my older kids are more compassionate and responsible as a result of the twins. As teens, they get sideways with their parents from time to time (as most teens will), but they adore their brother and sister. The younger kids keep the older ones grounded and family oriented in a way that I don’t think would exist without the younger ones. The younger ones adore the big kids, and have had their lives so enriched by being able to go along for the ride with them. From what I’ve seen, our family dynamic with teens is far more peaceful than most families we know, probably because when everyone was younger, you did have to make more allowances for other people, so I think it resulted in teens who aren’t quite as self-centered. Or, to borrow a really interesting thought from an earlier poster, we just had to lean into the big family dynamic, and the kids really couldn’t expect that the family could revolve around any one person’s needs. When we went places when the kids were younger, the twins were usually going somewhere that wasn’t totally age appropriate, so had to mature up, and the big kids were expected to help with the twins. Over time, they all just got used to acting accordingly and taking other people’s needs into considerations.
TL, DR – I’m thrilled with my large family on this side of it, but it took a lot of years and resources to get here. If we didn’t have the resources when they were younger, I think the strain would have been hugely difficult on my marriage, in particular.
Vicky Austin says
Were you around the other day (possibly on the main page) for the discussion of big family vs. small family theory? Someone cited a friend who believes that 3 kids makes you a big family and the reason so many people struggle is because they’re still trying to parent and do life in the way that worked when they were still a small family.
I might start by asking your husband to specify something more tangible than “figured out more” for your 5yo. What specific milestones can you talk about reaching or achieving that would make a 3rd kid feasible? Can you get your kid’s healthcare providers to weigh in on those?
Boston Legal Eagle says
Along those lines, I’ve often heard people say that having 3 or more kids is like having a big, loud (loving) party in your house. Do you want that? I personally don’t like big parties and prefer intimate one on ones, and even two can be chaotic! But lots of people love the energy of a large family.
Anon says
Based on what you said here, the biggest question I would ask myself is this: If my almost 5 year old needs a lot from me, will I have enough of “me” left for him if I’m also dealing with pregnancy issues (morning sickness, hospital stays, tiredness) or if I’m dealing with a NICU baby or when I’m dealing with a newborn and all of those needs?
Anon says
+1. Just a reminder that your third can bring along a buddy. Mine did :) We love our big family, but having more kids necessarily means fewer resources (time, money) per kid. Make sure every adult is on board with what that really means for your family before proceeding.
Fallen says
I just got a call from my 10 y old daughters camp that a boy kissed my daughter in the cheek and she was very upset about it. They are keeping them separate. How would you handle this/talk about it? This all new to me
Mary Moo Cow says
Note that I haven’t gotten reports about my own kids kissing or being kissed since daycare, so I have no real life experience to draw on, but I would be inclined to take her lead. Like ask as normal what happened at camp that day, how are you feeling, and if she opens up, listen and respond with questions and empathy. Give advice only if she asks. Offer to call the camp if she seems like she wants a firmer hand. If she clamps up, when it’s a neutral time or whatever her usual best time to chat is, mention that you got a call from camp today and you would like to hear what she has to say about it. Whew. Good luck!
Anonymous says
Positive reinforcement that it was not okay for him to do, that it’s okay if she’s upset, that it’s good she told someone when she didn’t feel comfortable.
Anon says
This
Anon says
When I was nine I started a new school. At recess on the first day, the other girls told me to look out for Nick, who always kissed the girls. I said, “If Nick kisses me, I’m going to punch him.”
I told him not to kiss me. And he did. So I did. And my parents backed me 100%. So I endorse both validating her feelings, and talking about strategies for protecting herself if someone violates her boundaries. I’m not saying punching should be the immediate response, but helping her know it’s okay to (for example) loudly yell “NO!” is good. It’s too easy for girls to get subtle messaging not to make a fuss.
Anon says
I’m sorry, but this is baffling to me. You have a neurodiverse child with high attention needs, why would you bring another child into the mix? This would further dilute the attention you have to spare for a child who needs it. This sounds kind of like my brother and sister in law who put my niece in therapy (she had extreme outbursts and is likely neurodiverse as well) and it was going really well, but then cancelled therapy (which was quite expensive) when they decided to have a third child. Not to mention that child #3 could just as likely end up having similar challenges to child #1 – there’s zero guarantee they would be an easy kid like #2 or would even get along with #2. My husband and I are both polar opposites from our siblings and don’t get along with them at all.
Anon says
Harsh but I agreee. It kind of read to me like thinking that #2 needs a neurotypical sibling, which feels icky. Plus there’s no guarantee #3 will be neurotypical and even if they are, no guarantee they’ll click with their sibling. My parents are both estranged from their siblings (no neurodiversity involved).
anon says
Yikes, that’s pretty horrible to bail on your first kid so you can have a third. Having a neurodiverse child is hard. Really hard. It’s been hard on my marriage at times, and it’s been hard on my neurotypical kid when her brother is having a hard time. My ADHD kid happens to be a middle schooler now, and while he’s not bouncing off the walls anymore like when he was little, he still needs a lot more hands-on parenting than most kids his age. I worry constantly about my younger kid getting short-changed in terms of having her needs met. Can’t imagine willingly bringing a 3rd kid into that knowing that I’m already parenting on hard mode.
OP says
Thanks very much – I needed to hear this.
Anonymous says
This. I have three siblings and none of us are close. It’s nothing personal, we’re just wildly different people. Siblings are not automatically “built in besties for life.” I have three kids. I love them all deeply AND there are days I wish I could go back to having one kid. The middle is only two, but I suspect he has ADHD. He just takes so much more active parenting than the other two and I often feel like I’m ignoring them to deal with him. I’m also dreading when my oldest is a teen and I’m dealing with hormones plus ADHD. Tl;dr – If you were guaranteed to have another kid like #1, would you (and your husband) still do it? That’s your answer.