Maternity Monday: Twist-Front Halter Swimsuit

It’s everyone’s favorite time of year… bathing suit season! Ha. I was in my first trimester during the summer months, so I never got to go full bump on the beach. It was the awkward time where I just looked bloated and didn’t want to share my pregnancy news, so needless to say, it wasn’t a great time to wear a swimsuit. For those of you who’ll be farther along in these upcoming months, I like this suit. The multi-directional stripes keeps the eye moving, and it looks like a flattering cut — halter top to hoist everything up and generous coverage in the front and backside. Personally, I would not want to spend more than this on a bathing suit I may never wear again after this summer, and I think Old Navy suits are of decent quality for the price. The pictured suit is $42, available in sizes XS–XXL — and also available in black. Maternity Twist-Front Halter Swimsuit

Building a maternity wardrobe for work? Check out our page with more suggestions along both classic and trendy/seasonal lines.

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Comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    Two questions for the hive:

    Can anyone recommend a daycare in Center City Philly? We are going to go check out Right Steps in Rittenhouse because it’s on our walk to work and super convenient, but open to other suggestions.

    Second, what are people’s feelings about having family visiting when baby is born/right after? We are trying to juggle a lot of parents’ feelings and expectations right now. Baby is due late November. Both of our moms are in the area, so I expect it will be easier to have them visit when we want, and then ask for space when we need it. (Still not sure if I want my mom at the hospital when baby is born — and I don’t think I want husband’s mom and 4 siblings in the hospital room right after either). But my dad/stepmom are going to have to fly in and they’re already asking when they should plan to be here (they are jet setters and already booked several trips for November/December and want to know if they need to rearrange travel schedules). This is really stressing me out because I have no idea at this point. We won’t have room for them to stay with us, but even so, I don’t know how I feel about them being here for 1-2 weeks right after the baby is born. Maybe when baby is 3ish weeks? Any thoughts??

    • Mrs. Jones says:

      Our parents were at the hospital (not in the delivery room) when baby was born (note that it was the first grandchild on both sides). My mom stayed for a week, which was a big help. Then my MIL visited for a day or so here and there during the first month, also helpful with laundry, cooking, etc. My brother visited for one night, one week after baby was born. They are all kind and helpful, so I didn’t have family drama.
      Maybe you could tell your dad to plan to visit for a few days (not 2 weeks, which is too long IMO), maybe 2 weeks after baby is born.

    • We said no guests for 4 weeks after my due date. I wanted to figure out life as a family of three / nursing without an audience. All our family was non-local though so there was no risk of people in the hospital / immediately upon arrival home. Baby ended up 13 days late so our first guest arrived when baby was 2 weeks which was perfect – the sleep deprivation was starting to hit hard and my parents came and held the baby, cooked, and ran our errands.

      I figured it would be easier to walk back a boundary than to try to impose one after the fact if we felt overwhelmed.

      • Oh, and I forgot. My MIL came up for 4 hours (4 hour train journey each way) when baby was a week old. I understand she was desperate to meet him and it was lovely but the whole family does judge us for not offering to let her stay. NB: We live in a city with hotels.

    • I think this is a very personal decision about what you’re comfortable with, obviously, but even reading about your dad and stepmom stressed me out too. November is so far away and asking you to predict when your baby is going to arrive is not cool. I would tell them to just carry on with their travel schedules as they are, and then you can all figure out things closer to the time. But 1-2 weeks is an awful long time for post-baby visitors, unless they’re enormously helpful. My parents (3 hours away) were at the hospital when my daughter was born, and my in-laws (7 hours away) showed up the next day. My parents left the day we were released from the hospital, his parents stuck around for two days (staying in a hotel), and then after they left my parents came back and my mom stayed with us for a week or so, but having her there was huge.

    • Anonymous says:

      It really depends on how you feel, but I’ll let you know my experience.

      Hospital situation: My parents visited for less than one hour in the hospital the day after baby was born, which was fine. Having to feed to the baby is a good cue to have them leave. I told them not to come the night she was born (born at 5pm) because I was having some bleeding problems and in no shape to see them. But, we roomed-in (hospital did not have a nursery), so there was no option for them to see the baby without seeing me as well. Maybe restrict hospital to the grandmas only?

      I explicitly asked my parents to stay in a hotel. We sort of have the space but not really (2 bedroom condo), so they helped out a little but then left after 1-2 days. My MIL came 5 days after baby was born but she’s an easy guest, and that was very helpful because she did everything someone should when they visit. Cooked us meals, held baby while we napped, did dishes, etc…She was also very helpful with me and bfing. Again, this depends on your relationship and comfort level.

      My MIL and FIL came back the following weekend and stayed in a hotel. Then my parents came the next 2 consecutive weekends cause DH was out of town (obligations he really couldn’t miss, so I understood), which was also helpful.

      TLDR – Having my family and in-laws support us was very helpful, but having them stay in hotels helped a lot. That way we could have our quiet and our space in the evenings. We also definitely had 4-5 day stretches in the first month when they weren’t around, which was also nice for us to figure things out and bond as a family of 3.

    • It really depends on two things:
      1) How close you are to the visitors and
      2) How helpful they are in a pinch.

      Are you comfortable enough with them to, say, bre*stfeed in front of them? (let’s just say no one is their best self a week postpartum). Do they cook, clean, and do other household chores, or will they want to go out (necessitating expedition-level planning if you are a first-time parent and have no idea what to bring) and hold the baby? (I resented this because I just wanted to hold the baby and snuggle and feed him and sleep)

      I am the sort of person who absolutely definitely would have no one besides my husband in the delivery room, if anyone else is even allowed in there – the medical personnel are busy enough as it is. At the hospital, we had a few visitors, but they were really close friends who didn’t mind that we were basically an exhausted wreck. And then my mother came from abroad for 2 weeks when baby was about 3 days old, but she doesn’t cook and I had to manage all her travel anxiety while also dealing with a jaundiced newborn. No bueno. This time my parents are not allowed here till a month after my due date. My lovely in-laws will be here the week before and after my due date to help wrangle kid #1 and maybe make a casserole or two.

      Are your dad/ stepmom coming from abroad (so that 2 weeks is actually a reasonable amount of time given the travel at both ends) or are they somewhere nearer? Depending on what they’re like, a fortnight could be pushing it, or it could be helpful.

    • Anonymous says:

      Thanks everyone for your thoughts/experiences (and I welcome more comments!) — I think we’ll have to tell my dad and stepmom that not only can we not predict the due date with any certainty, but we also have no idea right now what arrangements will work best for us. I do think that restricting hospital visits to grandmas might work best (and it’s two people vs. a million, when you include H’s siblings). One issue is that dad/stepmom are from a culture (one that I did not grow up in) where it’s very common for parents to visit/stay with you for MONTHS after a baby is born, which is something we very much do not want. I think they “get” that H and I won’t be comfortable with that, but it might get a little awkward if they are expecting to come for a few weeks. They also already made a comment about how our kid shouldn’t have to go daycare so soon (keep in mind that I have 5 months paid leave, so we aren’t talking about a 6 week old going to daycare, not that there’s anything wrong with that) and that they want to help, but the thought of them being in town for months on end is really really stressful.

      • Anonymous says:

        If they are trying to book other trips, I would suggest you give them a date about 4-5 weeks out from your due date. They could stay about two weeks. Tell them you’d like them to come back to help transition baby to daycare. If they are capable babysitters you could have them come for the first two weeks back to work so that they can drop baby to daycare and pick him/her up early for you.

        Do whatever works for you. My mom was in the delivery room with me because she had labor and delivery nursing experience. My MIL didn’t visit until baby was 6 weeks old because she stayed with us in our small house (hotel was out) and was helpful with physical stuff (laundry, cooking) but unhelpful with emotional stuff (lots of unnecessary commentary).

      • I had family staying with us right away, which to me was fine because our house is large enough to accommodate and I didn’t have to really deal with the visitors. However, I wish I hadn’t had visitors for so long in the hospital – baby was mostly sleeping so we were just chatting, which was valuable time I could have been sleeping and recovering!

      • I had the divorced parent dynamic, and had people traveling. What I said was:

        – For hospital visits, you are okay to come for an hour or so visit if we say so, but you must get a hotel, and you have to understand that seeing us will be extremely limited. Our obligation is to figuring out life as a family of three, not hosting others. (I did not want my DH to feel obligated to meet them for dinner and leave me in the hospital.)

        – After that, I scheduled each family for one week visit each, after DH went back to work, to help me out. They loved having a “purpose” and having dedicated time to fawn over the baby. I loved having someone cook meals and do laundry and hold the baby while I napped. These visits were not scheduled (as far as specific days) until the baby came, which was good because baby was almost 2 weeks late. We had space to host them in our house, but we reserved the right to book them a hotel instead, even last minute or during the week, if I couldn’t handle it or if breastfeeding was going poorly or whatever. We ended up booking my FIL/SMIL in a hotel because they couldn’t figure out how serious I was when I said I was too hormonal to have Fox News on the TV 24/7. Otherwise everyone else was lovely.

        I wasn’t a Bridezilla, but the pregnancy hormones combined with the idea of 7 parents descending on our house was completely overwhelming and I sent a giant email screed about all of this. They still make fun of me about it, but I don’t care. I ended up with an emergency c-section and significant hemorrhaging with 2 transfusions, at almost 42 weeks, so I deserved to feel as happy and comfortable in my own home as possible afterwards.

      • Adding that I completely get this – I grew up in precisely this sort of culture, where people have grandparents and extended family helping out for extended periods (if not actually just…living with you) after the birth of a child. Even though it IS my culture, as a confirmed introvert I would have gone absolutely bonkers from the stress if I’d had kids while living in my home country. If you’re like this, having dad/stepmom stay at a hotel is crucial; that way you at least have your own space.

    • My parents came when I went into labor. Mom visited me briefly at the hospital while I was laboring but didn’t stay for the delivery. My parents both visited us briefly (and brought food!) a couple hours after the baby was born but otherwise didn’t come to the hospital. They both stayed at our house for two weeks after the birth and were a godsend – they cooked, cleaned and took care of our dog so literally all DH and I had to do was take care of the baby. DH also went back to work immediately and my mom was a huge help with nursing and diaper changes when he was gone. Something I did not fully appreciate before I had a baby is that nursing is not a one person job, especially in the early days. I don’t think I could have managed on my own, especially the first few days when it still hurt a fair amount to move around (I had a v delivery but no meds afterwards and was in a fair amount of pain for 4-5 days).

      I was very firm “no in-laws in the first month” because I wanted to be physically recovered when they came. In fact I was completely physically recovered after two weeks but they ended up not coming until four weeks anyway. They were not helpful – they expected to be waited on, have us cook them hot meals and entertain them. For example, my SIL (who is an adult despite what this story might suggest) was whining that she was bored and we needed to take her to the movies. When I explained that she was welcome to go by herself but we couldn’t “take” her because, um, newborn baby, she cried and told me I was being selfish for not taking care of the baby all by myself so her brother could hang out with her. Even with DH taking some vacation days from work and them only being here for four days, it was far more stressful than having my parents here for two weeks when I was still bleeding and in pain and DH was gone at work all day.

      Tl;dr: know your guests. If they’re high maintenance or you don’t have enough space, then it’s probably not a good idea to let them come right away.

    • Good for you for thinking of this. One thing my husband did that made me love him was tell his family no visits until the kid was 3 months old. Harsh? Yes. But they aren’t helpful at all and have to fly cross country. Given how poorly breastfeeding went for me in the initial stages, I was glad to not have an audience. My family visited more frequently, especially my mum, but they live a reasonable car ride away. Also, my mum cooked/cleaned/took care of me and so I was incredibly grateful. However, we spent the first week as a family of three, just us. I’m not sure if that was good or bad, but it bonded my husband and I together for sure.

    • Anonymous says:

      Cautionary tale…my far away inlaws booked their 9-day visit for a week after my due date. Well, my baby came late meaning that they were at my house 3 days after birth and that my own parents basically got kicked out to make room for them. It’s a very hormonal time and I was really not up to an 9 day stay. Also my MIL is a terrible cook and insisted on cooking for me which was unpleasant. She also kept trying to have “private time” just her and the baby in a separate room from me (which other immediate pot partum moms can tell you is generally not great – your like mom instincts make it very difficult to not have your baby in eye sight in those first couple of days). Point being I ended up not being able to avoid giving them some attitude and the experience seems to have basically permanently changed my relationship with them for the worse. My advice – take a conservative approach, and assume you will want people there (people other than whoever is likely to actually be most helpful to you) less rather than more…

    • I think it depends on your feelings and how helpful your dad/stepmom might be. I was comfortable with anyone being at the hospital for short periods of time. I didn’t kick the grandmothers out of the delivery room until I was basically ready to push, and they were in the waiting room when Baby was born.

      My parents had come up for my baby shower, and to set up the nursery because we had just finished renovating and I was on bed rest (omg, I’m stressed just thinking about it). Kiddo was born a month early on the day they were planning to leave, so my parents stayed an extra week. My mom helped with cooking, cleaning, laundry, bottle washing, etc. My dad spent the extra week redoing our disaster of a laundry room, which was incredibly helpful. We don’t have space for my parents to stay with us, so they stayed in a hotel part of the time and with my in-laws part of the time.

      My in-laws live near us. During the first few weeks, they stopped by pretty often. It was nice to have company after DH went back to work. Several times, they watched Baby for a bit while I ran quick errands. Since I had been on bed rest, I hadn’t done anything for myself in a long time and was happy to have little moments of freedom.

    • I initially banned everyone from the hospital (which put some noses out of joint), but relented and let my inlaws (local) swing by for a visit the second day since we were doing OK. Even then, I was having feeding and latching issues, my child wouldn’t sleep (even for the nurses) unless held and my pain meds for my c-section weren’t working, so I had a meltdown, which then lead to weeks of questions about post partum depression I could have done without. Close friends (and parents of 2) dropped by for a visit and to bring us dinner the second night as well – it was great to see them. My parents (2 hour drive) came up for a week and stayed with us (plenty of room at our house) after we got out of the hospital, and my mom stayed an extra second week, which was hugely helpful since my husband went back to work after a week and I was still not feeling up to driving. Mom slept downstairs on the couch with me and the baby for the whole two weeks so I could sleep in the recliner (easier to get up with my incision). Each of my sisters came to visit and stay with us for a weekend at 4 and 6 weeks. The inlaws usually stop by every other week or so for a few hours, but are hugely unhelpful and need almost as much babysitting as the baby.

    • lawsuited says:

      Having some help in the 2 weeks after the baby is born is very helpful because you will be so tired, but it sounds like you have local family that can help you ad hoc and the purpose of your dad/step mom’s trip is really so that they can meet the baby rather than help you. With that context, I think a 3-day visit after 4 weeks or a week long visit after 8 weeks would be reasonable, but a 2-week visit after 2 weeks will be really rough.

    • Everyone has given great responses so far, but I wanted to throw my experience into the mix as well. It really depends on your personality and the personality of those visiting IMHO. I am an independent introvert, with an introvert husband. We don’t have super close relationships with any of our parents, but they are all known boundary pushers. Here were my experiences:

      Baby 1: (Living 4 hours from my mom, plan ride from all in laws and the rest of my family) I said no one could stay overnight at our house when we first got home from the hospital. I had my mom, best friend, DH, and doula in the room with me. It was way too many people, and as a people pleaser, I felt a lot of pressure to please/entertain rather than focusing on the fact that I was delivering a baby. FIL flew in while I was in labor and my DH had to coordinate his ride to the hospital (he tried taking a bus and got lost, ugh). He and my mom were both staying at our house when we arrived home from the hospital (like I said, boundary pushers). I kicked them out the next day. My mom came two weeks later to “help” and ended up just wanting to be a baby hog. I cut her visit short after two days. All of the above was terrible and stressful and I didn’t want a repeat.

      Baby 2: (living in the same city as everyone but my mom) The only person who knew about baby coming was the person watching our first (my mom, who flew in). This kept her out of the hospital bc she was watching my son and no one else knew we were there. Just DH and I in the delivery room and it was glorious. After baby was born we slept and snuggled without a care in the world. Announced arrival 24 hours later, and let everyone know they could schedule visits once we were home. It was perfect and gave me plenty of alone time.

    • If the thought of having anyone visit stresses you out, I’d recommend telling them that you want time to figure things out as your own family unit and will work with them after baby comes to figure out visit plans, but that it may not be right away. Our rule is that if you’re going to be needy and not helpful, you’re not welcome in our home in the early post-baby days.

      FWIW, I wanted to do everything on our own initially and find out footing without out of town visitors, but after DH went back to work a week after DD was born, I called my dad and basically begged him to come help – he was on a plane the next day and stayed for a week doing dishes, cooking, watching baby while I napped, etc. Invaluable and now that kiddo #2 is on the way we are probably going to plan a long visit for him ahead of time so he can be here. My mom and in-laws are much more high maintenance so those visits didn’t happen for a long time. But, not everyone can jump on a plane at a moment’s notice, so just make sure you’re comfortable with the flipside of saying no to visitors – i.e., if you change your mind, you might be stuck for a bit. If people are local, it’s obviously much easier to have flexibility (though probably harder to set boundaries). Hope you find a mix that works for you!

    • Rainbow Hair says:

      Just to share another story. I said absolutely no house guests (my husband has A Problem where he is always inviting his family to stay at our house) and no visitors until two weeks after my due date. (No visitors at the hospital!) She ended up coming about a week early, which meant we had three weeks alone with Kiddo. That was lovely.

      And then, it really depends on the personalities of your family. My MIL is not a helper, so I am really glad she wasn’t there early… I felt like I had to entertain her. My mom was great and honestly could’ve come whenever, because she was like, “where is your broom, ok put baby in the swing and nap, I’ve got this.” <3

    • This is a late reply, but I’ll post it because it’s different than other people’s responses. I didn’t mind the visitors, and I wanted to show my in-laws that I wanted them to have a close relationship with their grandchildren. They are good people even though they can be difficult to deal with sometimes. I would not have invited them to the delivery room.

      Hospital visits I found OK even from more extended family, as long as people did not overstay their welcome. Husband should coordinate visits of 15-20 minutes and then ask people to leave. If anyone knows how to take good photographs, have them bring their camera and take photos of YOU and the baby. I was annoyed at how many photos there are of my sisters and a perfectly content sleeping baby, whereas every time I held the baby, the baby was nursing.

      Relatives in your house — really depends how big your house is, and how helpful the people are. I had a guest bedroom, which made everything easier. In-laws were helpful for the first child, and unhelpful for the second child. I was grateful for their visit the first time around, and ready to see them go the second time around.

      Under no circumstances let your father schedule their trip to visit you until a time when you know that the baby will have been born. “The baby will be just as cute when he’s six weeks – a visit in January would be perfect, and it sounds like that is the least disruptive to your travel schedule!”

    • Anonymous says:

      I ended up having to have an emergency C-section 3 weeks before my due date. My mom lived three hours away and she dropped everything and came to the hospital. I was heartily freaked out and wanted her with me, especially because we did not know whether the baby would make it or would possibly have an extended stay in the NICU. As it turned out, he was fine and we were able to leave the hospital three days later.

      I did not want my MIL and her sister there at all, even before the emergency C, because they are not helpful and when they asked about visiting, it was all about them and nothing about “and we can help you with…” My MIL actually said something about not liking babies and so don’t expect her to be much help (!). Well, sorry lady, then you don’t get to come visit after the baby is born. But my “failure” to invite them to be at the hospital when I invited my mom to be there (P.S., I barely know my MIL and really don’t know her sister, and my mom and I are close) caused permanent hurt feelings that I have yet to live down. I don’t regret it, though.

      I also had to deflect my best friend who was dying to come see the baby right after he was born, but given the questionable circumstances (see above, we weren’t sure he would make it) I had to be pretty insistent with her that she wait. And she did, she was good about it.

      My mom stayed for two weeks, which was not long enough for me and I was wailing worse than the baby the day she left. My husband had two weeks of paternity leave; he took one week right after our son was born and then went back to work, then took the second week after my mom left. It worked out well.

      I was very happy to have my mom with me (and my dad ended up coming for a few days as well and he was great; left the house with things fixed that hadn’t been fixed for years) but I would not have wanted really anyone else around. If you don’t want people around after the birth, you need to be clear and FIRM about it. Nothing else works, in my experience.

    • Late to the party. I have a slightly different perspective. DD was born 8 weeks early (emergency delivery). No one but DH was in the hospital with me because no one had advanced notice. That was awesome, and I think even if we had guests in the hospital, they probably would not be allowed in the delivery room given the number of doctors and nurses that were in there. DH and my parents flew in after 3 days. DD was in the NICU for 4 weeks. DH and parents wanted to visit her EVERY DAY. The hospital had a policy of having only 2 bedside guests at a time, so I was kicked out of the the room DD shared with other babies every afternoon. It sucked. I was so stressed. My parents and DH’s parents are boundary pushers. I could not control them. DD is 5 months now and I still get anxious thinking about those first weeks.

  2. AwayEmily says:

    Happy post mother’s day! I decided to celebrate by dropping my early morning pumping session. I suddenly realized “wait, why am I doing this? I have enough extra milk in the freezer to get me through an emergency and even more importantly, I could care less if I end up supplementing with formula.” So, no more morning pumping yay!

  3. Post baby visitors says:

    With our first, we’d told the jaws to book a flight 4 weeks after my due date. I was 2 weeks late, so they showed up at the 2 week mark. They stayed at a hotel and came and went as was useful/helpful. Generally showed up around 10, made or brought lunch, helped out or went sightseeing, made or brought dinner, then went home. It was fine! They stayed a few days- maybe 3-4 nights? The hotel was key.

    My parents and one of my siblings (3 hour drive) came to visit the day baby was born. We called once she arrived, they asked if we’d be up for visitors, and when we said yes they hit the road. Baby was born at 10am, they arrived just before dinner. They stayed through dinner (they BYO’d to the hospital). Then my mom and other sibling came back a few days later once we were home for a visit/help/quick overnight stay. Then again a week later. Same deal- they came, they helped/snuggles, stayed overnight and then left.

    With our second, my parents came up the night before my induction (I was also 2 weeks late!). They stayed the night and watched ODD all of the next day. Baby was born at 1pm, we told them come on by any time. They were there by 3 with ODD, went home at dinner, and brought ODD back the next morning to visit more.

    MIL flew up when baby was 1 month old and stayed with us (at our request) for 3 days. Then MIl/FIL flew back up when baby was 10 weeks, stayed in a hotel for a few days.

  4. Ugh. I wanted to root for this article, but the grandmother is obnoxious. Doesn’t seem to like her daughter very much but seems to need to be validated throughout the story. I did like the insights on not being guilty for being a working mom, though.

    https://www.refinery29.com/2018/05/198043/stay-at-home-grandmas

    • We only have two more weeks of stay-at-home grandpa and I am in tears just thinking about this time coming to an end.

    • Huh I didn’t get that vibe at all. I thought it was really sweet. DH works from home and I plan to retire young so we’ve already discussed moving to be closer to our daughter once she’s an adult with her own family. If she wants an arrangement like this, I would love to do it.

    • Anonymous says:

      It made me jealous/ sad that my mom is not in the financial position to do this. She would love to, but just can’t.

    • Marilla says:

      Aww, I liked this a lot. I thought she actually was very clear eyed about the whole arrangement while her daughter was still feeling all mixed up about things (which is totally normal). My MIL usually picks up our 2 YO from daycare and spends extra time with her every day, of her own free will – like she picks her up early, not because daycare is closing and we’re stuck at work – and I love seeing the bond between them.

    • Boston Legal Eagle says:

      I don’t see her as obnoxious at all – reminds me a bit of my own mother, who has never felt guilty (or at least ever expressed it to me) for working outside the home when I was growing up. Before we had our son, my parents said they would move to where we were and help us out with any kids. Honestly, that pretty much sealed the deal in terms of our decision to have kids. They’re nearby now, my dad retired and my mom works a flex-ish job and they are around to help out on weekends and sicks/random daycare close days, which has been great for us!

      I also hope to have the opportunity to do the same for our kids when we’re older. It seems like the best of both worlds – you get the career when the kids are young, and then you get to enjoy the grandkids when you’re in your golden years and are (hopefully) more settled in terms of finances and jobs.

  5. Anonymous says:

    My first child isn’t even two months old and my in-laws have been pestering us about when we’re having a second. My husband (stupidly, IMO) told them the truth: that we plan to be one and done but aren’t doing anything permanent in the forseeable future. My in-laws have gone nuts and are now bombarding us with calls and emails telling us we’re terrible parents if we don’t have a second and our baby will grow up to be lonely/selfish/socially awkward etc. Not only is this quite rude (I’m an only child myself and they’ve made no secret of the fact that they don’t think I turned out well) and untrue (DH’s younger sister is one of the most selfish people I know), but it just seems ridiculous considering the child in question is a newborn baby. We have to see them in person soon and I’m sure this will be a central topic of conversation. Any advice for shutting it down?

    • Anonymous says:

      “No. We are not discussing this with you.”

      “As I said, this topic is not open for discussion.”

      “Since you don’t respect our wishes, you need to leave.”

      Xoxo, your son

    • rosie says:

      “I understand that is your opinion, but if you continue to discuss this, we will need to leave.” [then leave]

      This is hurtful on many levels, and you do not need to deal with it. FFS you have a newborn, you should not be pestered about anything right now, never mind their ridiculousness.

    • “Do you feel so strongly about this that you are willing to drive us away? Because those are your two options at this point. Either realize this is none of your business and drop it, or we are leaving and severely limiting how much time we spend with you in the future.”

      Or

      “My uterus is not up for discussion.”

    • Your DH started this conversation, and he needs to shut it down — hard. In fact, he should talk to them before they invade your space.

      • Anonymous says:

        This. DH needs to shut this down hard. He needs to stop telling you if they make negative comments about you.

        “Please don’t discuss our sex life or my body.” + walk out of room.

      • I sympathize with DH here a bit. He probably thought telling them the truth would shut them up. If the answer is never, they don’t have to keep asking. He probably didn’t anticipate this type of absurd reaction.

        • Anonymous says:

          The problem isn’t that he told them initially, the problem is that they reacted by “My in-laws have gone nuts and are now bombarding us with calls and emails telling us we’re terrible parents if we don’t have a second and our baby will grow up to be lonely/selfish/socially awkward etc. ”

          He created the problem, it’s his family and he needs to fix it.

      • Anon in NYC says:

        1000%. DH needs to talk to his parents prior to this upcoming visit. BUT, I also know that my MIL can push and push and push. My DH handles his mom really well but sometimes a well-timed comment from me – after DH’s multiple efforts to get her to stop – can really be what puts something to bed.

        So, OP, assuming that DH tries to shut this down and your in laws still don’t stop, I’d say something along the lines of: “This is our decision to make, and your comments are hurtful and unappreciated. This is no longer a discussion we’re willing to have with you. We want to enjoy the time we spend with you, and we want [baby] to have a good relationship with you. Let’s focus on that.”

    • lawsuited says:

      I’m so impressed by your calm attitude towards this. I was such a mess 2 months post-partum I would have killed anyone who asked when I was going to have another.

    • Rainbow Hair says:

      Have you considered lighting your inlaws on fire?

  6. That midi dress in the post below looks like something my mom would’ve worn for Mother’s Day in 1987. But back then, they called it “tea length” rather than midi.

  7. Anyone else feeling a Mother’s Day letdown? I could use some commiseration.

    I have a 4 year old and a 1 year old. At 6:45 yesterday, when baby was ready to get up for the day, DH elbowed me and mumbled, “do you want to get him?” Seriously? On Mothers’ Day? Ok, so I’m getting up with the baby so DH can sleep in on Mothers’ Day. Fine. We had plans with friends for brunch. As soon as we got there, the 4 year old raced out to the playground and started yelling for DH to push her on the swing, which he ignored while chatting with our friend. I said, “DH, 4 year old is calling you,” to which he replied, “Oh, she wants to be pushed on the swing.” 4-year old calling melts into 4-year old crying. So I go to the playground. Baby follows and cries to come out, so I tell DH to put on baby’s shoes so he can come outside. DH puts on baby’s shoes and sends baby outside, but DH stays inside to chat with friends. I watched the kids while DH chatted with our friends for like 30 minutes until DH and friends came outside. Then when it was time to eat, DH was holding the baby but he was really wriggly and fussing and crying. DH just kept right on chatting, raising his voice over the fussing. So, I picked up the baby and walked him around and played until his mood turned better. I came back to the table, to my now cold breakfast, I told DH he needed to entertain the baby, which he did, but it left me feeling like I was interrupting DH’s conversation with our friends, and looking cranky and bossy in front of them.

    This is objectively BS on Mothers’ Day, right?

    I salvaged the afternoon by taking myself on a walk, then taking the kids to the park where they could just play without having to entertain adult conversation and decorum. I was pretty snippy with DH later in the evening but I feel like pointing out these little things just seems nitpicky, especially when normally DH is pretty great.

    • Anonymous says:

      This is BS on any day. You are a saint for putting up with that. Yesterday was also DH’s birthday and I still got to sleep in until 11am.

      I guarantee you did not look rude and bossy in front your friends and if they thought that, they are off base. I would find it super strange if I visited a family on mother’s day and the dad wasn’t doing almost 100% of the caregiving.

      • +1. I am not a Mother’s Day person, but this type of behavior (which my husband is guilty of too) drives me absolutely bonkers on any day of the year.

        As an aside, my husband has a friend who is married with two little kids. (3 and 1). Every time we hang out with them, the dad is nonchalantly socializing with us while his wife runs around cooking and taking care of both kids. Both parents are full time computer software engineers. I have told DH that I have had it with these friends, I can’t handle being around their weirdly heteronormative parenting roles anymore and I do not want to hang out with them.

    • I think that it’s objectively BS any day. My husband does this type of thing when we get together with friends, and after many conversations, I honestly believe he doesn’t mean to. He just gets caught up. It’s not about the kids either–before kids, he’d take 30 minutes to do something like make drinks because he was also talking, which requires wild gesticulating, and I’d be running around cooking three things at once and putting serving dishes out, etc. Now, when we hang out with friends, I gently remind him ahead of time that he needs to make sure I’m involved and that we trade off entertaining the kid. When we have people over, I strongly encourage him to edit and simplify the menu and/or make stuff ahead so we both have time to actually hang out.

      • anne-on says:

        +1, its total BS, but it is something that I see SO many dads do. My DH used to totally dump the child care + housekeeping +cleaning on me when we’d have his friends/family up to the house. It took me totally losing it on him for him to realize that he needed to step it up. It also helped to voice my needs and voice his back to him – “so, you’re saying that you want to go out with friends and sleep in on Saturday. That’s fine – so I’d like to have 1 hour by myself later that day and sleep in the following morning’
        I also put a HARD stop on ‘BBQs’ until our son was older. Apparently BBQ means fuss with setting up charcoal grill, poke meat incessentantly while drinking beer and chatting, spend 45 minutes cleaning BBQ (while drinking beer and chatting) while I am in charge of all sides/set up/clean up and dessert. NOPE. We now only mostly BBQ with neighbors and make it potluck so we supply meat/condiments/rolls and they bring drinks/sides/dessert. I can handle buying buns and setting a table/tossing dishes.

        • Haha so much this. For my daughter’s first bday party this weekend, I vetoed (1) my DH grilling during the party, and (2) my DH making ice cream during the party.

        • omg, your description of BBQ is hilarious and dead-on. Also, rosie, making ice cream in the middle of a party sounds exactly like an idea my DH would come up with.

      • This is a really good point. DH LOVES the friends we were seeing yesterday, and I know at least part of his actions were motivated purely by enthusiasm for our friends. It sounds silly, but I almost feel *jealous* of how much attention he was giving the friends.

    • Anonymous says:

      YES! It’s not totally DH’s fault…But we had someone come to see about renting our apartment yesterday, so I had to clean like a madwoman yesterday morning. Then I had to do work at our new house. Then DH decided that we HAD to go to the furniture store to buy the couch we’ve been wanting. DD wiggled and screamed the entire time in the store. She’s in a phase of only wanting Mommy, which isn’t DH’s fault, but is stressful when I have to hold her all day every day. By the time we got home it was 4 p.m. and I was emotionally/physically drained and started crying, on mother’s day. I couldn’t even bring myself to take a walk.

    • Anonymous says:

      I don’t put up with that BS and I’m angry on your behalf. That said, SPEAK UP!! Tell him, “Nope, it’s mothers day, please get the baby.” Tell him, “Please go outside with the 4-year-old so that I can enjoy my brunch.” DELEGATE all this work that’s making you resent him!!!

      • Anonymous says:

        This. My answer to do you want to get the baby is “No way, it’s Mother’s Day, go get the baby and you can come back around 10 with coffee and crossiants.”

      • This was going to be my suggestion. If you don’t ask, he won’t know any better. Especially if you’re the default go-out-to-the-playground parent. DH is usually our default go-out-to-the-playground parent and almost always seems fine with it so I wouldn’t necessarily think to do anything differently even if it were father’s day or his birthday. So ask.

      • This. Tell him what you want. I get it. You don’t think you should have to say it. But silently fuming isn’t getting you anywhere. Tell him what you need and give him a chance to meet those needs.

        • Anonymous says:

          With morning duty, it works best for us to negotiate that ahead of time (e.g., the night before).

          • Rainbow Hair says:

            Yeah doing this has worked out well for us. We tell the three-year-old too, so it’s like, “Hey, tomorrow AM it’s daddy who is getting up with you” so she doesn’t think she gets her choice.

      • Another +1 for delegation. This behavior didn’t stop in our house until I told my DH, and kept telling my DH when he needed to help. “No, you go get the baby, I’m sleeping in on Mother’s Day”, “please go push 4 yo so I can enjoy my brunch”, “the baby clearly needs to be entertained, can you take him on a walk so I can enjoy my brunch”. Etc.

        My DH is awesome, but he seriously did not understand that these were things that he needed to do.

    • Anonymous says:

      Commiseration here. I came over to this site to post a similar comment. It sucks.

      And all the comments telling Redux what she should have done differently are bumming me out. The work of fixing an uneven distribution of labor is itself labor. Sometimes I’m too tired to do that work but still want to vent somewhere. See below, for example.

      Spouse is on trial and proposed a weekend schedule to accommodate work + family time. The schedule included spouse sleeping until 7:30 both days. Kiddos wake at 6. Yes, I pointed it out, but it still hurt big time to see a Mother’s Day weekend schedule that didn’t include me sleeping in by even an hour.

      • Thanks for this comment. The speaking up is itself so draining.

        • Mama Llama says:

          I agree. Maybe you can’t get what you need and deserve without speaking up, but the speaking up itself sucks! You shouldn’t have to do it! It’s hurtful and builds resentment when your partner needs to be told that you can’t provide endless labor for the household.

    • Maybe it’s just the way I celebrate, but mother’s day was not a complete day off for me and I didn’t expect it to be. Maybe it’s because I’m still nursing, maybe it’s because I feel guilty for having worked 80 hour weeks for the last month straight, maybe it’s a different dynamic because my husband is a SAHD, but I just don’t think it’s fair for one parent to be all the way off for an entire day on either side with a young baby (maybe older kids are easier, haven’t gotten there yet). I did not sleep in. I did the dishes after DH cooked me dinner (steak) at my request. I played with the baby so he could get a nap in. But he got me flowers, cooked me dinner, ran the errands I wanted to run with me with minimal complaint, and he got up early on Sunday morning to spray for wasps while the baby and I slept. He let me read a book for a few hours in peace and quiet post-shower on Sunday. We did the activities I wanted to do – coffee date with friends, etc., but we co-parented while doing it. All this to say that it isn’t necessarily a problem for all families, particularly if he is normally great as you say, but if this is the culmination of resentment, then it may be a problem for your family and likely merits an open and frank discussion. At least in my case, I think sometimes all the social media, press etc. sets unrealistic expectations for what day-to-day life looks like in a house with young kids.

      • I think this is totally different from what the OP was saying. If this was how her day had gone, I’m guessing she would have been happy.

      • I agree that it’s unrealistic for one parent to be completely “off,” especially a breastfeeding mother, but I think dad should certainly do at least half the parenting on Mother’s Day (and any other day, really!). OP wasn’t complaining that her husband didn’t do *everything* – she was complaining that he hardly did *anything*.

      • Right. I actually feel like DH and I have a pretty solid co-parenting thing going most days. I suppose that’s part of why it was so disappointing that so much parenting fell to me yesterday, on Mothers’ Day.

        • ElisaR says:

          Redux, I feel ya!

          I felt similarly….. my husband had good intentions…..he gave me a gift certificate for a massage and it made me want to cry. I don’t have time for a massage. I will just put the gift certificate in a pile with the massage gift certificates I got when the baby was born and from when I turned 40.

          Man I’m going to be all rubbed up some day when I have a spare minute in a few years.

          • Anonymous says:

            Not sure if it’s an option for you but I’ve had good luck with booking a lunch hour appointment and just telling the massage therapist that I only wanted 45 mins instead of an hour so that I could get back to the office on time. Not ideal to have to go back to work but better than the depressing stack of unused certificates that lived in my nighttable. Also had one place agree to split a 90 min wrap treatment thing that was useless for the middle of work day into 2 45 min massages.

      • I agree, and I didn’t have or expect a full day “off” yesterday either. I got up first and changed Kiddo’s wet, leaky diaper and all his clothes. I created a morning activity for me and Kiddo. We went swimming at MIL’s in the afternoon, and I spent 80% of the time in the pool with Kiddo while DH talked to his siblings. I handled most of the bedtime routine.

        But DH got Kiddo breakfast while I lay back down in the morning. He took Kiddo outside for half an hour to give me some time to read after I spent time with Kiddo. He somehow convinced Kiddo to take a nap, which was a legit miracle. He handled Kiddo during dinner at MIL’s so I could enjoy my meal. DH also changed a flat tire in the hot sun on our way to MIL’s–nothing to do with parenting, but it was a lot of work. (I helped where I could, but there’s not a ton for a second person to do.)

    • I realized if I wanted a day “off” it needed to be a day when LO was in daycare and I took the day off work. Which is what I now plan on doing some day in the future.

      • This. I’ve learned the hard way that expecting to be “off” when we’re both at home is a setup for disappointment and resentment.

    • No brunch for us says:

      We’ve realized that a sit down brunch is not something that works for us a family (with two young boys). It’s just not something we can enjoy at this stage in our lives. If we want to brunch we get a sitter.

      • Thinking back to the awful Mother’s Day brunches we went to when my DS was little STILL makes me cringe. I did it for my in-laws, but yeah, it was not fun or relaxing in the least.

  8. Two Monday morning questions:

    First, recommendations for a really good hand cream? My mom has hands that show her age majorly, and I kinda think mine might be going down that road too.

    Second, has anyone ever had a random little bruise show up on your face? It’s about the size of a mole, on my cheekbone. I don’t remember hitting anything, it’s been here for several days, no clue why or what. I think it’s going to spur me into finally getting to the dermatologist, but curious if anyone has had this happen before.

    • Anonymous says:

      You need to put sunscreen on your hands.

      • Anon in NYC says:

        +1. Sunscreen on your hands. The Eucerin intensive repair cream, multiple times a day, can improve the appearance of your hands, but really sunscreen to prevent aging.

        As for the bruise on your face – I get bruises on my body all the time, and never remember hitting anything, so I don’t think it’s a big deal, but if you need to go to the derm go anyway.

    • I just put my face serum and moisturizer on my hands; I use whatever’s left on my fingertips after I apply it to my face. And +1 to the sunscreen. Can’t speak to the random little bruises, but I’m also a mega klutz who gets random bruises and scrapes all the time.

    • Agree with the sunscreen suggestion, but I also think a thick cream at night could be helpful. I LOVE L’Occitane’s handcream. But I’m usually more budget minded and the whole foods 365 brand hand cream seems to get the job done.

  9. CPA Lady says:

    Another “am I wrong to be mad” posts. First of all, I’m not a big gift person. DH and I basically buy ourselves whatever we want (within reason) whenever. We’re not particularly romantic either. I objectively have everything I need and pretty much everything I want. Every time DH is in town, if I ask for something, he makes it happen. However. I asked for something for mother’s day this year because its been a really hard year with all of his traveling and all my solo parenting. I texted a picture of it to DH in mid April to give him plenty of time to get it. He didn’t get it. He didn’t get me anything. He’s out of town on another work trip this weekend and all I got was a text. I can’t decide if I don’t care and I’ll just get it for myself or if I’m furious and terribly disappointed. I’m pretty sure I’m furious and disappointed, but if any of you would like to talk me down and tell me to chill, I welcome that as well.

    • Anonymous says:

      Commiseration. I emailed DH exactly what I wanted for Mother’s Day, and didn’t get a gift. I was/am unreasonably? upset about it and can’t decide whether to bring it up or not.

      • Anonymous says:

        You HAVE to bring it up. Because you should buy it for yourself.

        Hey, you didn’t get me X for Mother’s Day (like I asked you on such-and-such a date), were you planning on getting it for me for (other appropriate occasion)? Because I am buying it, if not. Also, I will not be purchasing you a father’s day gift as a form of reciprocation.

        And done.

    • Anonymous says:

      Thritto, down to the internal debate about whether or not to say anything. The trouble is that, standing alone, it isn’t a big deal. It’s in the context of feeling that I have been shouldering more than my fair share of the load, and that’s a much bigger conversation. It’s also one I know I need to have, but then bringing up the lack of card/gift feels petty. Ugh.

    • Say something! I don’t think you’re being unreasonable- he’s out of town and you’re on your own- you deserve more than a text.

      • Anonymous says:

        This. Tell him.

        Literally email him that you are sad and disappointed that he did not get this for you. That not doing this makes you feel unappreciated when you are working very very hard. Tell him that him taking the time to purchase it so that you don’t have to buy your own gift, is also part of the gift. Ask him to bring it when he comes home over his next trip away. Tell him that gifting this is a tangible action that demonstrates he appreciates how hard you are working.

        • Anonymous says:

          +1 – this is good wording – lead with how hurt you are. CAVEAT – are you sure he got your text? Maybe because we are old and not great texters, I could see my husband missing that.

          • CPA Lady says:

            Anonymous– yes, I brought it up at least once to make sure he had gotten it.

        • CPA Lady says:

          Okay, I just sent a email telling him I was disappointed and offering him a chance for a do-over. Hopefully that resolves things.

          • Mrs. Jones says:

            Good for you. I hope you feel a little better now too!

          • anne-on says:

            +1 Good for you for saying something. Solo parenting is A LOT. I just about lost it 2 years ago (sobbing in the kitchen) when I found out the Friday before Mother’s Day that my husband only planned to buy flowers and let me sleep in. I told him in no uncertain terms that our gifts for our anniversary/christmas/my birthday were not a big deal to me but in this young child phase of mothering it REALLY matters to me that he make a big deal over mother’s day because it is honestly just SO hard and draining sometimes and I want the recognition/reassurance that I AM doing a good job.

    • I’d be upset too. DH is a bad gift giver but if I spell out exactly what I want, he will do it (like you I have everything I need and buy most of what I want, so usually its flowers, a card “from” the kid and spending the day as a family on Mother’s Day). I think I’d be even more hurt about the text than the fact he didn’t purchase the requested gift. He couldn’t call or Skype? I would tell him point blank that all his traveling has been hard and you really wanted him to do more to acknowledge the day.

  10. Feeding Q says:

    I have a (big – 98 percentile) 9-month old. Just the last week or so, she has been refusing bottles from my husband during the day (but will nurse during the day on weekends). She will eat solids if they are ones she can feed herself (and you can sneak spoonfuls of non-finger-food in between bits of the finger food), or he can convince her to take a bottle by about dinner time. She won’t go back and forth between solids and bottles for him (and also won’t drink milk from a sippy cup). I still nurse her 1-2x in the morning and 2-3x at night and at least once overnight (depending on what time I get home from work). Will ask the pediatrician at her 9 month visit this week, but any experience on whether your kid started rejecting day-time milk at a similar age? I’m loathe to ask him to battle with her over this if she’s still in the range of normal. This is the same child who went on a 2-week bottle strike when I went back to work at 5 months, so stubborn is an understatement.

    • Anonymous says:

      If you’re nursing 4-5 times a day, she doesn’t need formula/milk. Are you doing formula or cow’s milk? Canadian Pediatric Society says cow’s milk is fine from 9 months onwards instead of formula if baby is eating well. Maybe try warm milk in a sippy cup instead of formula if you want something in addition to BF.

      • Feeding Q says:

        She gets pumped BM. I still pump 1x-2x per day at work. She was (up until the last week or so) taking 8-12 oz. in 1-2 bottles throughout the day.

    • At 9.5 mo mine is drinking less some days because he’s distracted and generally prefers to throw/bang his bottle or any utensils rather than use them for their intended purpose. Is this what dad is seeing, or is the refusal more agitated (ie crying and turning away)? If it’s distracted/happy refusal as opposed to forceful/unhappy refusal I wouldn’t worry.

  11. Vacation Advice says:

    My husband and I both suck at planning trips. We also both grew up in families where we took cheap family vacations where we spent a lot of time being carsick or squabbling with siblings, and we all shared a single hotel room in a not-very-nice hotel. We have not gone on a beach vacation ever as adults, certainly not since we’ve had kids. We’d like to take a toddler-friendly beach vacation this summer, the kind where you stay at a hotel where you can eat and go swimming and that maybe has kiddie activities/toys, and you don’t have to make a million decisions or spend a lot of time driving or cooking every day or coming up with places to visit. Maybe this is an all-inclusive? We live on the east coast (US) and would prefer not to fly too far. Please let me know of any recommendations, for cities or for specific hotels. Thanks!

    • Anonymous says:

      No personal experience, but when it’s in the budget I’m dying to do a kid-friendly Club Med trip.

    • Anonymous says:

      Turks and Caicos. 3.5-4 hour flight from NYC. All of the resorts have pools, Grace Bay is a beautiful beach, and the ocean is very mellow. We just went with our 3 year old and it was the most relaxing trip we’ve taken with her to date. We stayed at Villa Del Mar, which is not directly on Grace Bay, so it was slightly cheaper, but it had a good pool (no restaurant). It was literally a 2 minute walk to the beach.

      Caveat is that all of the restaurants can be expensive. They do have an all inclusive (a Beaches – I’ve never stayed there, but inlaws did with their older kids and enjoyed it). You can rent a car or not – you can call taxis, or rent a car for just a day if you want to drive around, or you can just hang out at your resort.

    • Highly recommend an all-inclusive. I also recommend working with a travel agent. Objectively, I don’t think they cost more…but I do think they tend to choose vacations in a higher price range than folks might book on their own. We recently used a travel agent and went to an all inclusive with our 2 year old because we don’t have the time or knowledge to pick our a resort ourselves. And we just wanted to stay and park at the hotel – no driving to restaurants, etc. It was perfect for us.

    • We did a trip to Grand Cayman with a one year old and it was great. We stayed at the Westin on Seven Mile Beach. It wasn’t all-inclusive but that just means we had to pay for our meals separately- it didn’t really affect our experience once we were there. People were shocked when I told them we had a relaxing vacation with a baby, but we really did! Beaches Turks and Caicos is on the agenda for this winter. My parents really want to go, so we’re going, even though I don’t think a 2 year old will get much out of the activities.

  12. Running Tanks says:

    Any recommendations on loose fitting running tanks? Thanks!!

    • I have a couple from Old Navy (I think the style is similar to the ‘relaxed mesh-back fly-away tank’) that are actually pulling double duty as maternity activewear right now. They’re not the most lightweight or effective at wicking, but if I’m running through a humid Northeast summer I just accept that I’m going to be a sweaty mess no matter what.

  13. Anonymous says:

    Hi friends. A classmate of my 4-year-old choked at school on Friday, went into cardiac arrest, and is now in the hospital while they wait and see what damage was caused by the lack of oxygen. I obviously plan to go visit. What can I bring the child? Thanks in advance. –(former) preg 3L

    • That’s so terrifying. How is your kiddo doing? Did the whole class witness?

      I would bring a balloon and stickers (ideally with characters the child is into). I would hesitate to bring a stuffed animal or another “thing” that the parents then need to deal with.

      • Anonymous says:

        Thanks. Yeah it’s scary. The kids didn’t see much – they were ushered into another classroom quickly. Apparently they did see the child turn purple, and heard the teachers shouting to call 911. My kid and her classmates seem to have rebounded fine, fortunately, and have been told the child in question is all better.

        • Anonymous says:

          Balloon or stickers would be my go-to, as well. Depending on how long the child is expected to be in the hospital, and what kind of room she’s in, a potted plant might be nice just to make the space feel a little less sterile.

          This is so scary and sad, I hope the little girl is OK. And I’m not quite sure how I feel about the kids being told she is “all better” when she may not be. My preschoolers are aware that 911 is for emergencies, the hospital is somewhere you go when you’re very hurt or sick, and that there are people there who work very hard to help you get better. I think that might have been a more truthful way to package it. Hopefully it’s just teachers’ premature reporting of something that is actually true.

      • (Anonymous at 12:40 p.m. was me, the OP)
        Thanks for a concrete suggestion Pogo!

    • Anonymous says:

      Just a classmate of your child? You’re not particular friends with the family or anything? I vote don’t go. It’s a hectic difficult time no one needs random acquaintances poking their heads in.

      • Anonymous says:

        +1. If you want to be supportive, maybe send something but I wouldn’t go yourself unless you are 1000% positive the parents would be relieved to see you. If this is your kid’s friend and they’re still in the hospital and ‘waiting to see’ that means the child is not ready for visitors. In my house, I would want some privacy.

      • She was one of my daughter’s best friends, so I want to show support.

        • We posted at the same time. Your update changes my +1.

        • Anonymous says:

          I’d at least text first and ask if this is okay. “Can I bring a balloon for Kayla or have dinner delivered for you guys?”

        • Betty says:

          How about a sticker book and have your kiddo draw a picture on the inside cover?

          One other suggestion: Supporting the parents here could take the shape of taking something off of their plate. A gift card to a restaurant that delivers to the hospital so they don’t have to eat lovely hospital food. Offering to get a thank you card to the teachers or first responders who helped. If there is a sibling, offering to do pick-up and playdate.

      • +1. Send a gift card for food delivery or gas or groceries but I wouldn’t go if you aren’t friends with the parents.

        • Understood. I contacted the parents to ask if I could have dinner delivered, and they said no food, but visitors are welcome.

          • Anon in NYC says:

            Oh my goodness. How terrifying. Any idea what she choked on?

            As for a gift, maybe a coloring book and some crayons or a new book.

    • Anonymous says:

      Echoing everyone’s terror! What about a kids audiobook in some format they could easily access? That might be hard to figure out but my son really likes to listen to stories – Winnie the Pooh might be good. Also Melissa and Doug Water Wonder (Water Wow?) books are great for that age.

  14. Post Partum Anxiety says:

    Someone talk me down. My baby is ten months old and my doctor diagnosed me with post-partum anxiety and proscribed Lexapro. He said it was safe for nursing. I spoke with my pediatrician who advised me to watch for the medication side effects symptoms in my baby when I first start taking it. The local lactation group doctor says its OK. I’m (probably irrationally) afraid it will mess up my baby’s brain chemistry and cause him to have anxiety issues when he is older. That’s the anxiety speaking right? I’ve put off seeking treatment for so long because I’m not ready to give up breast feeding…

    • Anonymous says:

      “That’s the anxiety speaking right?” Yes, that’s the anxiety. Take the medication. The best way to take care of your baby is to take care of yourself. He will not get anxiety from this medication.

      If it makes you feel better about taking it, think of it as a short term solution to allow you to seek other treatment for your anxiety. It’s really hard to do things like cognitive behavioral therapy with a psychologist or meditate or whatever things may be helpful in the long run. You need to treat now with medication to start to get yourself to a healthy place in the short term before you are able to explore if non-medication treatments are an option in the long term.

      All the hugs and congrats on seeking treatment.

    • Boston Legal Eagle says:

      I started taking Zoloft when breastfeeding my first and still take it while pregnant with my second. My psychiatrist and OB have both said it’s fine. I had the same thoughts as you in resisting medication but my anxiety levels are much lower now and I have to think that being a calmer mom is better for my kids and outweighs any small risks of the medication.

    • Anonymous says:

      Yes, that is the anxiety speaking. And speaking from my experience, living with unmedicated anxious parents is also a great way to become an anxious adult (or maybe it is just genetic and there is nothing my parents could have done). There is pretty good research on safety – see https://womensmentalhealth.org/specialty-clinics/breastfeeding-and-psychiatric-medication/

      Remember that side effects when you first start taking also do not equal lasting harm – they are temporary.

    • Anonymous says:

      If you were in Canada you would have started giving your kid cow’s milk a month ago (at nine months). Are ALL Canadian mothers bad mothers? No. Quit breastfeeding, give you kid cow’s milk, take care of yourself.

      (My anxiety always needs a good talking to in firm, no-nonsense language. So in case you’re like me, here you go!)

      • Anonymous says:

        I’m not sure this is a helpful response.

        I get that BF isn’t for everyone but many women continue to nurse not just out of a sense of obligation but because they enjoy the nursing relationship. OP clearly states that she doesn’t want to stop nursing (” I’m not ready to give up breast feeding”), suggesting that she should give up nursing just feeds fears that these medications are not safe for nursing when they are fine.

        FWIW I also think it’s totally fine to switch to cow’s milk if she doesn’t want to nurse but that’s not what she says she wants.

    • Post Partum Anxiety says:

      Thanks all. To clarify, no problem with formula, no problem with cow’s milk. Great mom’s give their kids both! Heck, I gave my older kids both and would give baby it too in a heartbeat. I know he would be fine, but nursing is just a bonding comforting thing we both still really enjoy, not a sense of obligation. I appreciate the no-nonsense language!

      Thanks also for the encouragement and the links.

      • Anon for this says:

        I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. If I were in your shoes I would get on the meds and stop nursing. 9 months is a great amount of time. It may very well be fine but if it’s something you’re going to be very concerned out it’s not worth the anxiety, in my opinion. Also if something did happen to baby you would always be wondering if this was due to the meds you were taking. I have two friends who went on depression meds while pregnant, both kids have ADHD and autism. It’s entirely possible (probable?) it has nothing to do with the meds. But they still feel guilty about it.

    • Rainbow Hair says:

      I took Zoloft while nursing, and my baby is a genius (and a fool, and a terror, all in good balance)!

      I found that being a mom felt so much better when I wasn’t [symptoms of anxiety and depression]ing all the time. I hope you find the same! <3

  15. Zuma t-shirt says:

    Has anyone seen a Zuma t-shirt around? The dog from Paw Patrol who has orange/grey as the main colors? My three year old is obsessed and I can only find Chase/Rubble/Marshall.

    • I haven’t seen him alone on a shirt, but you can find him on shirts with the full team. Try Target/Kohls/etc for those. If you want just him, you’ll probably need to go on Etsy to have someone custom print a shirt for you. Search “Zuma birthday shirt” and you’ll find several options.

  16. WWYD-ultrasound says:

    I had my 35 week growth ultrasound last week and all looked good (aside from the fact they think I’m having a 7lb baby despite having 2 9.5lb ones and being almost 10 lbs myself…ha).

    Got a call today saying that well, something isn’t right because the second review came back with smaller than expected “femur size” (not either femur specifically, just generally, apparently.). Baby is in the 40%for growth overall but 3Rd% for this measurement.

    My baby is crazy active and was kicking, rolling, and generally being difficult the entire ultrasound. The likelihood that it was a bad or missed measurement is super high. All other scans have been normal to date. I’m due in 4 weeks.

    They want to do a f/up ultrasound, at the hospital (more inconvenient) to confirm that t was a mistake. If it isn’t a mistake and my baby does have short femurs, there’s nothing to do at this point, except…know.

    Would you do it? It’s super inconvenient for me as it is to do my OB appts, and this is another appt, at the hospital, at only annoying times.

    I didn’t ask the odds but the nurse that called me seemed pretty confident it was an error (it’s not a standard thing you see with growth problems), but…not enough to tell me confidently it was a mistake.

    I can spend the next 30 days wondering if it’s actually true and I’m growing a short femur’d kid, find out and spend the next 30 days worrying about *raising* a short femur’d kid plus miss another day of work, or just do nothing and hope for the best in June.

    • Anonymous says:

      I would get the ultrasound. Sounds like a good chance it was a mistake and I wouldn’t want to be wondering/worrying the next few weeks.

    • Anon in NYC says:

      Well, I’d probably get the ultrasound because I’m a worrier and if I’m going to worry, I’d prefer to worry about the “right” thing. But I’d probably do it on a day where you also have an OB appointment – which should start being weekly soon, right? – and just take the whole day.

    • Make sure your insurance covers the extra ultrasound. That might help make your decision either way. I’d also ask the doctor/nurse what exactly would be different if you know for sure the kid has a short femur – is there additional monitoring? Extra precautions at delivery? Etc. If it’s knowing just to know, and my insurance didn’t cover it, I’m not sure I would do it. If there are different protocols and it’s included in my insurance, I would probably schedule it.

    • New Mom says:

      I went through the same thing with my pregnancy, except earlier on. Baby’s femurs were suddenly measuring at 7% after being more in the “normal” range 2 weeks prior. It’s usually just a mismeasurement due to how the the baby is positioned or moving, but it can indicate a chromosomal issue as well. I went back for a follow up scan two weeks later, and then another one a month later, and everything looked normal at both scans, fortunately.

      Also, they told me I’d be having a small baby (maybe 7 pounds at the absolute most) and I ended up having a 21 inch 8 pounder. I place little to no faith in ultrasound measurements anymore. :)

  17. WWYD-ultrasound says:

    I did ask and there is literally no purpose other than “confirming that it’s a mistake or knowing what to expect.” No additional monitoring or intervention. M
    And oddly, it’s not “a short femur” it’s “short femurs”- which is even more suspicious of a mistake IMHO. The “femoral measurement” was what was off.

    And to the poster that suggested I take the day- that’s not an option. My OB is not near the hospital, and even if it were, the ultrasound dates available are at totally different times/days than my OB appts. because of course they are.

  18. WWYD-ultrasound says:

    …and mild panic googling says this could be an indicator of Downs or one other chromosomal abnormality. But (a) my 30 week US was fine and (b) we did genetic testing and neither abnormality was present.

    • The odds the baby has Down’s if you did the genetic testing are incredibly small. Fwiw a friend just went through this – they told her the baby was in the 3rd percentile for femur length. Baby was born on her due date and was like 20″ long, so not only not short but also well above average in terms of length. I probably wouldn’t do the ultrasound unless there was something they could do while the baby is in utero. If it’s just knowing for the sake of knowing, I don’t think I’d want to know.

  19. Ranon says:

    I’m also 35 weeks and at this point I’ve had so many ultrasounds it’s crazy. I’m high risk and have single umbilical artery. Last scan they came in to do additional head measurements because her head was measuring way ahead (39 weeks when I was 32 weeks). i think they just have to be extra cautious. I probably wouldn’t do the additional U/S were I in your shoes. I have one on Thursday and this should be my last. At this stage of pregnancy it doesn’t change anything and like you we had all genetic testing that came back normal. My vote flip a coin and whichever side you find yourself wishing it lands on is what you should do. That’s my go to decision tool when there is no wrong answer and it ends up showing you which you have a slight preference for.

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