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Now that fall has begun, it’s not just Halloween and Thanksgiving that are quickly approaching: Parent/teacher conferences are also on the horizon. Are you looking forward to your parent/teacher conference — or are you feeling a bit trepidatious about it? If you know or suspect that you child is having trouble in school, are you doing anything special to prepare for the conference?
When you go into school for conferences, you’ll typically hear from your kids’ teachers about their progress and achievements and how well they’re adjusting to the new school year. Sometimes, though, you’ll find out something unexpected: that your child is having trouble in school. Perhaps, for example, your son or daughter is dealing with anxiety, exhibiting inappropriate behavior, struggling with reading, or demonstrating poor focus and attention.
The teacher may suggest an educational evaluation or recommend a pediatrician visit, depending on the circumstances. Perhaps you’ll find out that your child has a learning disorder, developmental disability, behavioral problem, or mental health issue, such as attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), depression, autism spectrum disorder (ASD), oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), dyslexia, or dyspraxia. Combined with the stress this news can cause, you may find yourself feeling all sorts of emotions, from relief to anger to guilt to disbelief — or a complicated combination.
Fortunately, there are plenty of resources for you and your child if he or she is having trouble in school (although these vary by state), from school staff to doctors and therapists to local agencies — plus a wealth of information online. (See below.)
Have you gotten the news at a parent/teacher conference (or in another context) that your child was having trouble in school? How did you handle it, and what was the outcome? What sorts of resources did you find most helpful? Have you felt supported by teachers and staff at your child’s school? If not, have you had to take any drastic measures such as hiring a lawyer to help you deal with the school, or homeschooling?
Resources/Further Reading:
- Understood: “to help the millions of parents whose children, ages 3–20, are struggling with learning and attention issues”
- Wrightslaw: “accurate, reliable information about special education law, education law, and advocacy for children with disabilities.”
- ADDitude: “strategies and support for ADHD & LD.”
- Child Mind Institute: “an independent nonprofit dedicated to transforming the lives of children and families struggling with mental health and learning disorders.”
- Friends of Quinn: “an online community that offers resources and support for young adults with learning differences, as well as for the people who love them.”
P.S. October 2–8 is Mental Illness Awareness Week, and you can take the the Stigmafree Pledge at nami.org/stigmafree. October is also Learning Disabilities Awareness Month and National Disability Employment Awareness Month.
Pictured: Pixabay
Natasha says
We have “that kid”. He’s meeting all the normal milestones but hes BAD. To the point that we took him to a therapist. Who couldn’t figure him out, either. We don’t know what to do! He’s a very sweet boy. Literally every friend I have discussed this with has told me some version of “put the fear of god in him”, but I refuse to do that! I refuse to beat my kid into submission!
Anon says
Ok this is a crazy suggestion, so bear with me. Have you read “The Strong Willed Child” by Dr Dobson? It’s a super religious book and has a thousand issues, BUT. I think there’s merit to the idea of a strong-willed child. I know everyone thinks their 3yo is strong-willed, but it’s usually just typical 3yo behavior. I think there are some children who have an innate chafing with authority in any form. Their bad behavior comes from a power struggle where they need to have control. Giving them the blue vs red shirt choice doesn’t work – they want to decide what their choices are. Which is an awesome trait, and why you see so many strong willed children grow up to be executives and leaders. But they still have to learn how to respect authority and channel their will into appropriate behavior.
Anyway. If you think this may be your child, the book has some good strategies for working on better behavior. Obviously ignore some of the ridiculous ones, and ignore all the religious stuff. But for instance – for a 9 year old who can’t get ready on time in the morning, there’s a checkpoint system. Did she get up by 6:20? Yes/no. (And she grades herself right when she wakes up.) Did she get dressed/brush teeth/make bed/eat breakfast by 7:30? Yes/no. If she got both, then regular bedtime that night. If she missed one, then 15 min earlier. If she missed two, then 30 minutes earlier.
The idea is you set clear rules and consequences, lay them out in black and white, but give the child complete autonomy and freedom to get there. So the child determines if she wants to accept an earlier bedtime in order to sleep in now. The child determines in what order she gets ready, and at what speed. She is making the analysis and tradeoffs.
For the right kid, this is empowering and ends a lot of the bad behavior. They now have more control over their environment, so don’t feel as much need to battle every step. You can even explain to them that you’re letting them learn how to be an adult – for instance, you know you have to be at work at 9. So you have to plan timelines to get there, which includes getting kids to school at 7:45. In turn, she knows she needs to be at school at 7:45. So she needs to plan timelines to get herself there. You’re helping her think through it, and helping make sure her choices don’t hurt anyone else (like don’t hurt you from getting to work at 9), but she’s the one figuring it out.
This may or may not be your kid. But if it sounds like it might be, you might want to check the book out at your library and give it a shot. My DH especially found it helpful in relating to our very strong willed child, and stop ending every interaction in a stubborn mess of tears and screaming.
MDMom says
I’m pretty sure my parents had this book on their bookshelf or something similar for me, their strong willed middle child. I turned out ok…still hate being told what to do though!
Anonymous says
My mom had this book for my sister, the strong-willed middle child, who has since turned out ok. Hilariously, she commissioned in the Army, which we thought was going to be a disaster, but apparently the Army-her knows how to be on time and respect authority. So there’s a long-term solution to consider. :)
Anons says
I have heard the Explosive Child recommended, but have not read it myself.
And you certainly don’t have to beat your kid into submission!
I think that most kids need to feel that they have control over their lives. Kid also need to understand there are consequences to their behavior if they fail to meet expectations. The very tricky part seems to be in determining what gives an individual child that sense of control they crave, and what consequences reasonably work well for an individual child AND can also be consistently enforced by the parents. Some kids don’t respond to the normal techniques, which makes it very hard on you. Just keep plugging away until you find the tools that work. Switch therapists if needed. Keep in contact with the pediatrician. Log episodes to identify trends and triggers.
And my own personal bias, make sure he is getting enough sleep. So many kids are overtired these days, which makes it all that much more difficult to behave.
Anonymous says
As someone who used to work in child protection, I can tell you that physical discipline never works in these situations. He will just end up using more physical violence in his misbehavior.
What’s his childcare situation? I don’t want to scare you but you would be surprised how many kids are speaking age but not able to articulate that an adult or older child that they care about is not behaving appropriately with them. Have you talked about good touch and bad touch with him?
Is he old enough for cross country running? That’s the activity which has been most helpful to kids I’ve seen with ADHD or other behavioural challenges.
RR says
You may not see this, but we also have “that kid.” Is he very bright? In our case, my son is gifted, so he’s very smart, but he’s social behind. So, that kind of asyncrony creates a lot of intensity. I read some great books about it, and our school’s gifted program has parent groups where I can talk to other people who have the same issues and not feel so bad.
RR says
If you want to discuss further with another mom who has been there (my son is 8 and things are kind of sort of maybe getting better), feel free to email me: rlr080813 at the gmail. It helps me so much to know I’m not alone. :)
Kate says
My kid is similar. I just learned of the term “twice exceptional.”
Spirograph says
My understanding is that a lot of gifted boys, especially, are that kid in school because it’s just SO frustrating to be bored in class all day. Girls tend to have better self control earlier, so the effect isn’t as pronounced, but the best solution for everyone is better gifted resources and pull-out programs so that the kids can be with their intellectual and social peers (otherwise those peers are different in each category, which is stressful). I’m glad things are getting better for your son.
Ciel says
Got called in by the school councillor when my son was in kindergarten. The kids were learning sight words ‘he’ and ‘she’, so they were dividing into groups by gender. He had reluctantly lined up with the boys, while protesting ‘I’m a she’. I came to realize that part of why he never really liked daycare, or school, was because he had such a hard time with the gender norms.
Juanita says
all the time i used to read smaller content which as well clear their motive, and
that is also happening with this paragraph which I am reading here.
Louis says
I do agree with all of the ideas you’ve introduced on your post.
They are very convincing and will certainly work. Still,
the posts are very short for novices. Could you please lengthen them a bit from next time?
Thank you for the post.