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Looking for other washable workwear? See all of our recent recommendations for washable clothes for work, or check out our roundup of the best brands for washable workwear.
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Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anon DC says
Hah! I’m on my work computer and that website is blocked.
I’m responding to Anon from late last night who wanted to know about going back to big law with young elementary kids at this time.
Kindly, I’d say it’s an overly ambitious idea. (Yesterday evening when I first saw it, after frantically finishing up revisions to send to a client before I had to pick up my young kid at camp, so I could come back, finish up a few other deadlines and release my time, I thought it was a crazy idea…)
I think it’s still hard to juggle early elementary and big law pre-pandemic, now it’s nearly impossible — and I have the best of circumstances short of having family in town and/or a stay-at-home spouse. Even setting aside the logistics of getting 7-9 hours a day to bill 6-8 hours (ideally), you’ll have no previously established work product/ethic to rely on, which means there’s a risk of little forgiveness when things go haywire.
Anonymous says
Agreed. It’s a fantasy. In reality you’ll be lucky to get hired and if you do will get zero sympathy for not being able to do the work. You’d need a more than full time nanny.
Crazy plan.
LittleBigLaw says
I thought this comment was a little harsh until I went back and read OP’s post. What she’s hoping for isn’t even in the universe of my experience over the past few months. Which is really depressing because I’m pretty sure my coworkers have a similarly distorted view of our reality right now.
Anon says
I have a SAH spouse and a toddler and without our usual extra care (because big law requires more than full-time care, even with a SAH spouse) of part-time preschool and summer babysitters, it’s still terrible. I struggle to supervise kiddos weekly virtual speech therapy (she engages better with me than DH, unfortunately). This is definitely not the year I would pick, I would wait and see how next year goes – I don’t think there is a meaningful difference between 5 years out and 6, and most of the law firms right now have put a freeze on hiring because they are not getting their typical attrition (or are trying to cut costs by not replacing attrition). At least in our county, parental supervision for 5+ hours a day is required for Kers given the schedules released – all of my working mom friends of Kers are pulling their hair our.
layered bob says
agreed, my husband stays home and is a great full-time caregiver, but without our usual preschool/part-time nanny, we are struggling. I’m in a niche, low-stress practice group of a firm known as a “lifestyle” firm (for biglaw), and s.t.r.u.g.g.l.i.n.g.
Part of it is the increased business development pressure even as an associate, and then other factors include trying to demonstrate that I am working/available by giving even quicker turn-around on things and “hopping on” Zoom calls all the flippin’ time, not having my secretarial support as available (she is trying to be helpful, she just can’t do as much when she’s not sitting across from me and I end up doing a lot more myself) and then there are just more “home” demands since DH doesn’t have time to handle everything he used to handle during the hours he used to have preschool/nanny coverage, and we’re all here all day, making the house a mess and generating dishes, so there’s more to do.
Redux says
Curious as I am in law but not biglaw, what are the “lifestyle” firms? I have a better sense of which they are NOT from being warned about them in law school (I’m looking at you, Cleary),but I don’t think anyone was really talking about the other end of the biglaw spectrum when I was a student.
Anon says
I think it’s really subjective and obviously depends on what the comparison is – everything is tough compared to something and easy compared to something else, you know? I worked at a firm at the bottom of the AmLaw 50 that some people within the firm described as a “lifestyle” firm (and our bonuses were certainly lifestyle-ish) and while, yeah it certainly was in comparison to Skadden or something like that, but it certainly didn’t feel like an easy lifestyle to me. You were supposed to shoot for 200 billable hours per month unless you had some time off or work was light across the entire practice group. I had plenty of 300 hour months when work was busy. Vacations were frowned upon, could never be more than one week (except for a honeymoon) and you were pretty much expected to be constantly available and working if something needed to get done. I took a 2 week honeymoon my first year and then I took a 1 week vacation right after a trial when work was super light, but those were my only real vacations in five years – every other “vacation” was just working from a different location. I flew cross-country for a wedding and missed the reception (husband’s friend at least, not mine) to write a brief. I went to Hawaii with my parents and billed 70 hours while my parents went to the beach. When I was at home, I would work six days per week, 10-12 hours per day and then I would just spend the seventh day sleeping pretty much all day. I was married and childless which was good because I have no idea how I would have parented or dated.
Also, even within firms it’s highly dependent on the practice area and partner you work for. The partners I worked with the most were both ex-Skadden so probably had higher expectations than others in my firm,and I was in litigation which I think is a little more volatile than other practice areas.
layered bob says
I think it varies by market – I’m in Chicago and here when people talk about taking a step down from the Skadden/Kirkland intensity I hear about firms like (depending on practice area) Katten, Winston, Jenner, or my firm, or a step further to Faegre or Schiff. In other markets I hear more about Quinn and Perkins Coie. As the poster says below, it’s relative.
anon says
It’s definitely not a firm-wide thing because I am literally at one of the firms that multiple people have cited as horrible, and I work 45 hours a week, regularly take vacation, and have taken 2 weeks several times for bucket list international travel with no issue. I am highly-regarded and would likely have made counsel this year absent pandemic. But I’m in a tiny, very niche practice where the culture was set by one partner, and it was pure luck — and perhaps the best luck of my life — that I landed here instead of in the group I was aiming for, which is definitely an associate bloodbath. So yeah, there are those unicorn groups even at the worst of firms, but the odds really are not in your favor.
NYCer says
+1 to Anon at 2:17. I’m an an AmLaw 20 firm in a very nice practice area, and I definitely have what would be considered a “lifestyle” job. People in other departments at my firm certainly do not.
NYCer says
Yikes, so many typos! I meant “niche” not “nice”, though I guess it actually is a nice practice area too (T&E).
Anon says
I commented yesterday but I agree (as a former Big Law attorney) and I didn’t even think of the point about not having goodwill built up, which is a very important one. When you’re a trusted associate who’s done good work for a year+ you can get away with so much more than a brand new associate can.
Anonymous says
I responded to it late yesterday- I think it’s doable only if the kids’ dad steps up (and steps back) or if you hire a lot of help.
Anon DC says
And even then, maybe have him (or her if you’re in a same-sex relationship, I can’t remember if that was clear in the post from yesterday), start stepping up now. The transition at home from one parent being primary parent to the other is likely difficult for EVERYONE.
TheElms says
I, unfortunately, agree with the other posters. I have a nanny for our toddler 40 hours a week and a spouse in BigLaw. The only reason its vaguely close to ok is because my work slowed down dramatically in June (not good professionally but I was about to break so perhaps for the best). I would just wait a year unless you have full time childcare than can supervise distance learning AND a spouse that wants to, can, and will step up to cover all the times outside the full time childcare when you will inevitably have to work on no notice.
anon says
I’m the OP from yesterday, and I want to thank all of you for your thoughtful and kind responses. Even though this is what I expected, and my rational brain knows from experience, I needed to hear it from outside sources to put this to rest. As I mentioned yesterday, I have a lot of baggage and worries tied up in this, and I really do not want to be an online learning proctor for another year, but yeah. You all are right and I know it. (Yes my husband would split school evenly if I went back, but realistically the added stress wouldn’t be worth it. Yes I’d be open to a nanny but again, this adds more complication to my life, not less.) Sigh. I need to focus on the positives here and take a seat for another year.
I also want to respond to LittleBigLaw and say, I hear you about how coworkers view parents, and I apologize if this came across as insensitive to your reality. I was not at a “lifestyle” firm and I really do get it. Truly. See above re my baggage — this is just something I needed to get out of my head and I thank everyone for helping me get there. Hang in there everyone, you all are amazing!!
Anonymous says
I have daycare again, woohoo! Drop-off went better than expected…no tears! :)
Now I desperately need tips for resetting work-life balance and working effectively from home. During the daycare shutdown, I didn’t exercise, didn’t get enough sleep, didn’t do enough work, spent very little time with my kiddo without my phone in my hand, didn’t have quality time with my husband, wasn’t a good friend, and just generally felt like I was failing at everything. I don’t blame myself because it was an impossible situation, but now I have childcare again (for now anyway) and I need to find a better balance going forward. The problem is I’ve never been very productive working from home. I did it occasionally in the Before Times but always used it as sort of an unoffficial personal day to get stuff done around the house. I would be on email and do small, discrete tasks, but never got a whole lot of substantive work done on a WFH day. Now that I’m home all the time, I can see myself frittering away my workday, and then working in the evenings, blurring the line between workday and non-workday, which is one of the things I’ve hated most about the last few months. In fact, the first thing I did after getting home from daycare drop-off was take a long, brisk walk with Michelle Obama’s podcast. It was glorious, but not sustainable. Any advice for focusing during work hours and better maintaining the line between work and home when your home is your office and your office is your home? Bleh. I miss having a real office so much.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Do you have a dedicated space in your house to use as your office? Ideally with a door, your laptop, monitors and a nice chair. This needs to feel like your workspace, not a place you happen to be checking emails while doing home tasks. I would also schedule time in your calendar for lunch, walks and possibly doing house errands so that you’re not trying to do all of this during the whole day, but you know exactly when you can take a break.
Pogo says
This. I started the pandemic in a walk-in closet. When it became clear this would be long term, we invested in setting up two full offices. Some peripherals we were able to borrow from work, so definitely explore that option. As our renovation has continued (driven also by moving kiddo out of the nursery into his big boy room), DH and I are also separated by a floor which helps a lot because he was always taking calls on speaker and not shutting his door. I feel so much more like I’m at the office in my new space (it’s still not “done” but 100x better than the closet). I also bring fresh flowers in to put on my desk, as well as file or shred any personal documents ASAP so it remains a work zone.
As far as getting in workouts, I’ve actually gotten worse about that, but mostly because my volume of work is still super high and we don’t have full coverage for daycare (hours are limited because of extra cleaning, which I get). I try marking it on my calendar but then I just end up snoozing and dismissing the reminder… ugh.
Anonymous says
You need an office at home. Get up and ready for your day. Do chores. Do your frittering. Drop kids off and come back, go to the office (or office area) and do your work. Step out for lunch. change your laundry/fritter away your lunchtime. Go back into your office area.
After a while you can start doing thin slime taking calls from the sunny deck. But not until you have an 8 hour routine.
octagon says
The pomodoro method is perfect for this — 25 minutes focused on a work task, then take a short break. The key is to keep the break short, 5-10 minutes at most. I use the Forest app, recommended by someone here, which has a white noise option and little reminders to not look at your phone. Then I will take 5 minutes to do one thing around the house, like switching laundry or making the bed. Quick bathroom break if needed and refresh of my beverage, then back to work. Then I don’t feel guilty about taking a real break to eat lunch away from my desk and log off at the end of the day.
Anonanonanon says
Probably from ADHD, but I cannot do this. I have to focus in 2-4 hours blocks, depending on workload.
Anonanonanon says
As someone with ADHD I have alllll the tips.
-As everyone else has said, you definitely need a dedicated space. We have around 1400 sq ft split across 3 floors of our row home so it was difficult, but I put a desk in our finished basement and decided to just deal with the fact it doesn’t look great. Who’s going to see it soon, anyway? I was working in my bedroom before this and, as you can imagine, did not go well.
-Set external deadlines for yourself if you have to. I’m lucky that I have a job where I get to do this a lot, and I do it quite frequently to motivate myself. If I know I have to present about X to 30 people next week, I’m more motivated to make sure X is perfect, that my presentation is good, that I can answer all questions about X or know where to direct questions I can’t answer, etc.
-Set a routine. I make my iced coffee while listening to the NPR “Up First” podcast for the day’s news. It’s relaxing because it’s podcast time but it gets me in work mode because it’s not pop culture or something.
-I don’t take a lunch when I’m in the office, because if I’m on a roll I don’t like to break it, but I’ve found taking half an hour is very helpful at home. Knowing I have set aside time to scroll through the internet on my phone, grab a snack, walk around the block, whatever, keeps me from justifying doing it at other times.
-Identify your most productive time. For me, it’s the morning. Do your actual work (for example, whatever you need to do for the external deadline you have set) during your “prime time”. Save documenting your hours, cleaning out your inbox, approving PTO for employees, organizing your calendar, etc. for your less productive time (mid-afternoon for me). Or, sometimes it’s the opposite, if I’m struggling to get started I might need to do those mundane tasks just to be reminded of how it feels to accomplish something.
fallen says
I have worked from home at least 3 days a week for most of my career, so I have a few tips!
– buy a good planner and set daily goals.
– dedicated office space (for me it’s currently a corner in our bedroom)
– noise blocking headphones and deep focus soundtrack on spotify I like the bose ones
– working out is tough, but i find it helpful to do it at the same time and place daily. for a while i would go out on a run at the end of the workday, now i do it at the beginning of the day
– I put my phone far far away, as it can be a huge distraction
Coach Laura says
Planning helps me work from home. I’d rather work at home anyway and my boss has noticed that I’m more productive than in the office, though I do miss seeing other adults besides my (boring) husband and miss wearing my favorite clothes.
Start the day with either a planning session of what the top three things are to do that day. Or plan at the end of the day for what needs to be done the next day. Leave the office set up the night before to be ready.
Do the day care drop off and get coffee/tea. Plan the two major things you’re going to do before lunch. Break down big tasks into smaller ones if that is how your work goes.
If you’re visual, set up a paper calendar with an hour-by-hour section plus a to-do or place to put Bullet Journal prompts. I use multi-colored pens on mine (blue, purple, pink, green, red, teal) because that is energizing to and makes me happy.
If you’re better with electronic, set up to-do lists in outlook or other planner. Have the reminders set so that it pings you when it’s time to start on it and when it’s due.
Or just set up an excel spreadsheet or yellow pad with deliverables. Or bullet journal. Assign them dates/time for due dates, even if your work doesn’t lead directly to that kind of deadlines.
I like the 25 minute pomodoro method because I’m usually drinking so much that I have to take bathroom breaks that often anyway.
Plan lunch time ahead of time. Maybe give yourself a long lunch if you get deliverables a, b and c done by 12.
If possible with your work, take a break at 2 or 3 and go for a walk or do a short exercise routine. If that is something you need and look forward to, it may spur you to get things done. Or go to Starbucks drive through and get an iced coffee. Take a nice break, unless you have an early daycare pickup. Then get your reward when you do daycare pickup – Starbucks or taking your kid(s) for a walk.
At 5:00 or 6:00 or whenever, close the computer, cover it with a pretty scarf if it’s in a bedroom or public room. Close the room door or closet or whatever. I like to put a to-do note for the morning so I don’t have to think about it again. Like a brain dump where you put it on paper so you don’t worry about it overnight.
Good luck!
Curious says
Ugh. It looks like our suburban Pennsylvania school district is going to decide on all remote until October and then “reassess” whether to move to hybrid. It feels like a bait and switch since previously the district said it would do either 5 days a week or hybrid (with an all remote option available in either case), and now it is too late to even enroll in a cyber charter. Just curious, for those in districts that have announced all remote until x date, do you think there’s any real chance the district will do any sort of in person learning this school year? Are there any districts that have had the guts to announce fully remote for the full school year?
Anon says
No, I don’t think anyone that is starting remote will switch to in-person. Not sure if anyone has actually “called it” for the school year already.
Anon says
i’m fairly certain that MoCo in Maryland has announced fully remote for the first semester
Anonymous says
In NC, we had an option to elect remote for the full semester or hybrid. Then the hybrid option became “online until things Get Better (undefined term, probably subject to continuous redefining).” Who knows? Cue the Alice Cooper song — school’s out forever.
Spirograph says
I doubt there will be any in-person instruction in our district (Montgomery County, MD) this year, but that’s as much because of politics and teacher union as the actual pandemic stats. Right now they are virtual through the first semester, so end of January. With flu season in full swing, best case scenario a vaccine just hitting the market, and the county health officer and executive having demonstrated a preference to use school closures ahead of business closures as a way to keep spread under control…I don’t see them making the decision to open in February.
Anon says
Plus kids will be last in line for a vaccine due to the fact that they mostly don’t get seriously ill. And I think the vaccines aren’t even being tested in kids currently, that testing will likely happen after one or more vaccines have already shown to be effective for adults. My ped said not to expect any vaccine for kids before 2022 even under the best case scenario in which adults start getting shots in early 2021. (Of course if every adult got vaccinated the pandemic would die out without needing to vaccinate any kids, but that’s not happening.)
Mrs. Jones says
Our district has a similar plan (remote + reassessment once a month). I don’t think school will be in person this semester and possibly not all year.
Mary Moo Cow says
Not near me — and it does seem like a bait and switch to prevent a flood of withdrawals to go to public, religious, or homeschool options and then permanently lose a portion of those students (those who intend to only opt out of public school for Kindergarten or 2020-2021 but then stay out).
Anonymous says
It’s definitely deliberate. Our district is waiting to release schedules until after the deadline to declare that you are homeschooling.
Walnut says
That’s so shady!
ElisaR says
frivolous question: anybody ever buy anything from printfresh? ad came up on the face and i got lured in by cute prints. but the pajamas are pricey…. but so cute…. so cute. i’m hesitant to order from a random brand i’ve never heard of esp when it’s expensive. did i mention the prints are so cute?
Another homeschooling Q says
Our schools are remote for now. We have heard that there will be some “synchronous” learning and some “asynchronous” learning (taped lectures? assignments to watch Khan Academy videos? who knows?).
I have a middle schooler and elementary schooler, at different schools, and with different schedules. And work FT.
I hope that they understand that a lot has been offloaded onto parents who will give it a good try, but don’t have the bandwidth for perfection. And that the adopt maybe a “high pass / pass / fail” mindset for many things (like parent has one household lunchtime and stuff needs to take turns yielding with grace to other things, like a parent’s need earn a living and be on calls vs always being on-call for troubleshooting a buggy chomebook).
School starts in 2 weeks and we don’t even have guidance for what times during the day “school” “starts” or has synchronous learning (probably the more important, as it seems to be direct instruction with a live teacher vs passive learning), to help arrange for work coverage, teen sitters, adult tutors, etc. Do any of you have any guidance on this? I realize that high school kids applying to college probably need/want actual grades. But our online experience was so dismal last spring that I am not about to jeopardize my job for it (and yet don’t want my kids to fail or miss any meaningful learning opportunities this year). Ugh.
Actual Q: have any schools come out and said “parents: give it a good try; we won’t penalize your kid b/c the glitchy technology doesn’t work or your kid doesn’t do well if the sole instruction is ‘here — watch this Khan Academy video that will teach you how to do factoring'”? I feel like they need to acknowledge this and haven’t.
Anon says
I definitely know people who chose to home school this fall because they felt school was just making things harder. For high schoolers, I would recommend taking some AP courses from online high schools, since AP exams and SAT IIs provide objective test scores in the absence of grades, and the teachers can be sources of recommendation letters.
Spirograph says
Similar to what someone said about Fairfax yesterday — MoCo came out with their virtual plan yesterday evening and it’s about 6 hours of zoom every day with some 10-15 minute breaks and a lunch sprinkled in. With the exception of a half day on Wednesday, t’s almost all synchronous from what I skimmed. For early elementary, this requires SO MUCH parental involvement, and it’s just an insane ask for working parents. No, I haven’t seen any official acknowledgement that children can’t be counted on to independently manage their schooling, but there’s a school board meeting this week and I’m curious how that goes…
Anonymous says
Interesting — I have one kid with ASD who does not do well on watching video after video and yet finds zooms with the little windows of other kids squirming even worse for concentrating. Maybe we can find a zoom setting where it just teacher:student (or hit the lottery to hire a tutor f/t).
We have done well hiring a high school kid from our public school district b/c she at least knows some workarounds for the bugs (Canvas) and this year we have a chromebook, which seems to talk to Canvas better (from annecdata).
Ugh.
Also: it has not been a picnic with the non-ASD kid. She never pauses to check her work and b/c they click to submit it, I can’t go over it with her to help her “learn” how to do important things like math and punctuating sentences. It is really an awful format that might work better for kids with more maturity and years of learning under their belt (like high school / college students).
Anon says
When I was a student with ASD and ADD, asynchronous was so, so much better for me than synchronous. I needed to focus without interruptions or distractions. I still hate watching instructional videos; the sensory component is just too distracting, and I would learn the same material so much better from a transcript or written presentation.
Anonymous says
Does the one with ASD have an IEP? My suspicion is that all IEPs will need to be revisited to accommodate distance learning.
Anonanonanon says
Wondering the same. Like others, I’m going to give it a go but if it’s too much I’m going to explore virtual charter schools or some form of homeschooling. I’m sorry, but having my kid do art and PE virtually is just crazy. I know they are under pressure to offer a full education, so I don’t blame them, but I just don’t see how that can work for my family long-term. We’re going to have a nanny and I still don’t see how it can work, because she’ll be dealing with a 2-year-old all day!
A full day is also a very long time to expect a kid to sit in front of the computer. How many adults are posting on this board struggling with doing this at home? And I have to expect my kid to do it?
I suspect we’re in the same school district. We have a “sample” schedule but our school still hasn’t told us what time it starts/ends.
Anonymous says
Our district leadership is living in a fantasy world. 35% of kids are registered for on-line school all year. The remaining 65% will be crammed into classrooms all day, 5 days a week, with no physical distancing and a mask “requirement” that will not be enforced. They will all have to take their masks off to eat lunch in classrooms at desks that may be less than 3 feet apart. There is no plan for what happens if someone tests positive, the virus spreads within a school, or the entire state goes back under a stay-home order. All work is graded, and the attendance policy (you miss 10 class sessions, even with an excuse, you fail) is still in force.
If you want consistency, predictability, and stability, you need to homeschool. Public schools are a train wreck.
Anon says
This definitely isn’t universal. I’m sorry your district is so crappy, but our public schools aren’t “cramming” kids into classrooms, there are mask requirements that will be enforced even for the little kids, lunch and some classroom time will be outside when weather permits, etc. It’s a bad situation and of course I wish my state governor had closed the bars and gyms so teachers and kids could have a safer, more normal classroom experience, but I have a lot of confidence in our district’s plan and would happily send my child if she was school age.
anon says
Can we stop generalizing that all public schools are a train wreck? You’ve established that yours is, but that’s not the norm for everyone.
Anonymous says
Is there a single person here with school-aged children who is happy with their school’s plan? All I’ve seen is worries about how to manage full-time Zoom schedules.
Anonymous says
I was happy with my school district’s plan and though it was pretty responsible (50% capacity, kids are divided into a Monday/Tuesday cohort and a Thurday/Friday cohort, professional cleaning on Wednesday in between cohorts, everyone masked). The district pulled the plan on that and is going all remote. Seems like the districts that would have had the resources to do this responsibly are being ultraconservative, and the ones that don’t are throwing caution to the winds.
Anonymous says
If there is somewhere where working parents are happy with their public school, you must share this info with us at once.
Anonanonanon says
I mean, I’m not happy with it, it’s a pandemic, but I also know there is no magic solution that will make everyone happy, and I really do feel for them.
I would much prefer zoom than feeling forced to send my kid into school. I am sorry for parents who wanted the option. I’m sorry for teachers who never thought they were signing up to be almost at the same risk level as first responders. I’m sorry for all of us parents. I fully recognize there is not a good solution to this horrible problem. So, I’m not happy, but I don’t think they’re doing a horrible job, because there’s no way to do a good one right now. I do not envy anyone who is having to make and implement these decisions.
Anonymous says
I think a lot of people were satisfied with their school’s proposed re-opening plans, but unhappy that they reversed course due to state or local government decision (or teacher’s unions striking). The OP who called public schools a trainwreck was referring to the in-person reopening plans being a trainwreck, not the subsequent reversals to online learning.
My school district is still planning to open in person (with a virtual option for those who want it) and I am happy with the plans. I don’t yet have school age kids but I would be happy to send them if I did. It doesn’t sound a lot different than our daycare’s plans and that’s been working very well.
Anonymous says
I mean, I can’t speak for the whole country, but I think a lot of public schools are a train wreck this year. I’m not assigning blame for that, just stating a fact. To torture the analogy, just because the train crashed doesn’t mean the engineer was at fault. Maybe a truck got stuck on a railroad crossing, and the best the engineer can do is slam on the brakes and try to reduce the impact.
I believe school districts are doing their best, but the result of their best still sucks in objective terms. Both can be true.
anon says
We’re in Arlington and have a similar plan to MoCo and Fairfax. I’m in the unfortunate position of having a rising 2nd grader who can in no way shape or form handle 5.5 hours of virtual learning per day. I’m consoling myself, however, that she’s also young enough that I do not care at all about her grades. Zero concern. If this goes poorly, we’ll do the parts that work for us and let them send a social worker after us. I’ll get books from the library and purchase a homeschool math curriculum. I want to keep her enrolled so she stays connect with her peers and has regular classes, but fully anticipate that the school zoom sessions may end up being for socialization. In the end I really have to do what’s best for my kid’s education and metal health.
Anon says
I think school Zooms for socialization and lots of reading sounds like a great plan! This is so hard and you’re doing a great job. (Also I don’t know if this is universal but in my public school growing up, second grade was just a first grade do-over. The half the class who had gotten the first grade basics in first grade had nothing to do all year except tutor the other kids. If there’s any year you have to write off, I think second grade is the best one!)
Anonymous says
For my kid, second grade was the first time that they actually taught anything. K and first grade were just catching up the kids who hadn’t gone to day care and whose parents hadn’t taught them to read, count, and hold a pencil.
Anon says
I mean, most children learn how to read in first grade so it’s in no way “catching up.” We get it, your daughter is SO! GIFTED! and was reading at 3 but you sound so snobby here. It’s not a parental failing or a preschool/daycare failing if a child enters K or even (gasp!!) 1st grade not knowing how to read. Early reading isn’t even associated with later academic achievement, there are tons of studies about it.
Anonanonanon says
This person is Anonymous… how do you know anything about her kid?
Anon says
I know plenty of people who didn’t learn to read until third grade or later and are accomplished now, and people who learned to read early but aren’t exceptional now. I agree early reading doesn’t correspond to better outcomes.
Earlier reading is correlated with educational neglect in schools though. Every student needs to be challenged where they are at or they miss opportunities for growth.
Spirograph says
This is basically what we did by the end of the year last year with my 1st grader. We kept the hour or so of zoom that included live teacher and students, skipped all the awful canned “instructional” videos, and had our own workbooks and computer-based interactive learning (ABC mouse, etc). Basically unofficial homeschooling. We do plenty of reading, art, music, nature walks, looking at maps, science experiments etc. Son’s teacher last year was fantastic and supportive of this plan, but without top cover from the district, I think success for this approach will be case-by-case by teacher. MoCo’s plan specifically says that students are expected to attend all scheduled virtual sessions and attendance will be reported.
anon says
But what are they going to do if kids don’t join?
I’m happy to have my kid join if she’s willing, but I’m not going to force a miserable 7 yo who is acting out to join for a 5th hour of DL. Do they want a kid who is screaming mad or sobbing on the call? What can the school do?
Anon says
I think some schools want to penalize kids through grades. So I guess they can fail them? Teachers themselves are sometimes “graded” on attendance, so they can be draconian.
Anonymous says
Our school is taking attendance at every meeting, of which there are several per day. My assumption is that if your child isn’t on the call, it’s counted as an absence and they follow the usual procedures–letter of warning, then a truancy complaint in juvenile court.
Anon says
I’m horrified at the thought of truancy proceedings for a child not showing up to a Zoom meeting! I’d choose home schooling over getting anywhere near that kind of risk.
Anonymous says
You have to hit a certain number of absences for the school to initiate truancy proceedings, but it’s not that many. You get the warning letter after 5 absences.
anon says
According to our draft schedule we have 13 sign ins per day. Will they actually send a letter and refer us to the courts if my 6 yo refuses to sign on 5 times? If so, they’re going to have a major backlog in the courts.
anon says
Would they really fail a 2nd grader who tests above grade level for failing to adequately participate in DL during a pandemic? It seems exceptionally counterproductive to hold back a kid who is on track. And as a parent I’d scream bloody murder if they tried to hold back my kid who is ready for the next grade because they want to “punish” parents for not adequately supporting DL. That seems like a lawsuit I’d be willing to file.
Anon says
Great find! I just ordered both. I think they will be a fall staple w/ leggings or jeans. If it is your first order and you give them your email and phone number you get an additional 20% off the order and if you create an account for next time w/ your address you get another 5% off. Just as I was completing the sale I saw that a whole bunch of professions get another 10% off. I think it was nurses, first responders and teachers.
Anonymous says
My mom moved to my town in January, unannounced. She was laid off from her job and moved three states over with a plan to “find something” (she is not particularly marketable) and rent out the house she owns. She hdan’t put too much effort into finding a job yet when the pandemic hit. She offered to watch our kids for a few hours a day when schools closed.
DH and I talked long and hard about letting her watch the kids, because while it would really help us out of a jam, there were significant strings attached. We said no at first–we are not comfortable with an employer/employee relationship. She both insisted, and also it became a not-so-subtle way of her telling us she needed money. We landed on her watching the kids and us occasionally buying her grocery gift cards or some extra cash here and there, but very intentionally never a payment-for-care arrangement. She treated it equally as flexibly, often telling us the morning of that she couldn’t take the kids, or would have to drop them off early (which was a pain, but you get what you pay for).
When summer came and camp (mercifully) opened for my oldest, we told her we were comfortable getting a sitter for the younger kids. She insisted that she wanted to continue to watch the younger kids (2 & 5) most mornings (~10-1). She started coming later, or asking me to drop them off later, skipping days, etc. So I let her know we felt like we were imposing and we really need to get a sitter with a set schedule etc in place. She was miffed and wanted to be that sitter–but can’t/won’t agree to the hours we need.
So, as if that’s not enough of a pickle, she’s now telling us that she doesn’t agree with how we are socially distancing. She doesn’t like that my oldest is playing tennis without a mask. She doesn’t like that we take the kids to our pool club. She doesn’t like that we plan to send our younger kids back to daycare and preschool in September 3x/week. She has offered to watch them for us so we “don’t have to send them back,” but she’s offering in a way that (1) doesn’t give us the hours or commitment we need and (2) doesn’t give the kids the socialization we need and (3) drives me bonkers because she “grandmas” them all day long letting them eat garbage and play. All stuff that is TOTALLY FINE during the pandemic when nothing was open and we needed ANYTHING, but now that we have options, this is not a good option for us.
What are my options here?
I never had a particularly great relationship with my mom, but these are her only grandkids. She is NOT reliable childcare, and I’m not even sure I’d use her if she were because she’s too much “grandma” and not enough “sitter.”
I’ve talked to her about being backup care, or filling in when daycare/preschool aren’t our options, but she doesn’t like that either–she wants the kids to stay out of preschool/daycare entirely. I’ve also encouraged her to look for a family that might want to stay socially isolated and she could help them! But she complains that nobody will be “as flexible” (duh).
What do you all think? This was something we know we’d have to deal with when we ok’d the help back in March, so it’s been a long time coming but the answers haven’t gotten any clearer.
Anonymous says
“Mom I appreciate your willingness to help but you aren’t reliably available when we need you. We are putting the kids back in school day care.@
Say no. As often as it takes.
Anonymous says
OP here. The response to that is that she will make herself available. Which she does for a while then slips back.
And also, it isn’t just availability. I want my 5 year old in preschool- she already missed half the year last year and they are open now! I do not want want my 2 year old having candy and ice cream and watching TV and grandma’s all day long.
Anon says
Then just: “Mom I appreciate your willingness to help but we are putting the kids back in school day care.”
Anonymous says
Tell her this! Mom, we truly appreciate all the help you gave us when everything was closed. Now that preschool and day care are open, the kids need to get back into their regular routine. We would love to have you watch them when we need backup care, but we understand that you’re not comfortable with their level of exposure to the virus.
Anonanonanon says
This. Don’t over-rationalize, don’t defend yourself. This is happening. Here are ways you fit into the situation if you’re comfortable. We understand if you’re not. Thank you.
People like her are determined to be constantly “wronged” by everyone around them, and you are not going to be able to change that.
Anonymous says
And then you say “no that doesn’t work for us” again. And again. And again. And start refusing to discuss it. Boundaries. Get them
Pogo says
We kinda had to do this w/ my mom. We’re just like, kiddo is going back. It’s what’s best for us.
She got over it, but we have a good relationship and our initial arrangement was more mutual than it sounds like yours was/is. Regardless, she’s not going to change and magically turn into the sitter you need, so you have to stand firm. You can try to add an angle of “now you’ll have more time to look for work and do the things you want to do”, depending on how you think she’ll take it.
I get you on the “grandma” thing. My kid was having ice cream at lunch and watching Blippi. I love my mom but h3ll no.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Aaah Blippi, the bane of many parents’ existence and yet our kids seem to be so fascinated with this dude? My parents definitely indulge the kids in TV and sweets when they come, which is their right and privilege as grandparents, and also one of the many reasons they can’t be our full time caregivers.
Pogo says
I just told him Blippi only works on Grandma’s tv. But I need to figure out how to hide it on Prime so it doesn’t suggest it to him…
Anonymous says
I don’t get why grandmas do this to themselves. If you are with the kids on a regular basis, you can’t act like it’s summer vacation at grandma’s house every single day or the kids will be unmanageable. My mom provides full-time care for my sister’s kids. With those kids she acts like a parent, because if she didn’t the household would be non-functional.
Pogo says
you’d think so, but he’s really good for my parents. Even if they let him skip nap and eat sweets, he doesn’t go crazy for them. Just when he gets home. And all the time at our house when he demands to live like the prince he is at their house, lol.
We totally let it slide during the pandemic because we all had to survive, but I’m definitely cutting back now. His behavior is SO much better for us now that we’ve gone back to “real” house rules.
Anon says
Yeah, there’s too many points here to even keep track of but just a firm no to what she wants over and over again. Nothing that she is asking for or wants is reasonable. She wants her cake and to eat it too. If she gets pushy or asks why tell her matter of factly (unreliable hours, too lenient of care).
A firm offer of what limited things you are willing to give her responsibility for over and over again if she keeps asking.
And maybe in general to shift away from any caretaking from her at all to more just family hang out time/or maybe date night time, which was your first instinct.
Anon says
I should also add, we sent my youngest back to preschool in June. I could tell my mom was bothered by it. But a) my mom is the type to watch cnn all day and the fear mongering it does b) when I presented her with facts and figures about kids and Covid it was clear she had done none of this research c) at the end of the day I just shrugged it off. It is my kid, our life. I’m unclear what her alternative suggestion would be, to keep our kid home for years while we wait for a vaccine? No.
blueberries says
Your job is to do the best for your kids within available choices, not make your mom happy, especially given how she’s behaved so far. You and partner decide what is best.
Tell your mom you’re doing what your kids need and you understand if she wants to limit in-person contact.
It’s ok if she prefers her plan, but you and partner are the ones that decide. Do what you see as best for your kids and family.
Anonanonanon says
Your gut is right. Don’t continue this. It’s just going to end with everyone feeling wronged. (For the record, I think you’re in the right)
“Mom, thank you so much again for how you’ve helped us. However, it’s clear this isn’t ending anytime soon, and we need to get our kids back to as close to normal as possible, whatever that looks like these days. They’re going to go back to daycare and camp. While that won’t be perfect, and I”m sure there are many bumps in the road ahead, it’s important to them and to us that they are around kids again and in a structured environment. They’ve really enjoyed having time with you and we value the extra love and attention they’ve gotten from you, and we hope you can continue to spend time with them if you’re comfortable doing so with COVID concerns.”
No Face says
You just have to say no. No is your only answer.
You are trying to convince her, but you can’t. You’re trying to make her see your needs, but she won’t. She will not like it, but she doesn’t have to. Let her feel whatever feeling she has. You role is a mom to your kids is way more important than your role as her daughter.
Setting boundaries with someone who doesn’t respect them is difficult, but it is so much better on the other side.
Anon says
Someone tell me where big law hours start to get insane. My husband bills about 2100-2300 annually and it feels like it’s so much. He reminds me that according to his billable, he’s around a lot of weekends but I don’t know, 2300 feels tough with two kids
Curious what others bill at a “market bonus” firm?
Anonymous says
Huh? That’s normal big law expectations.
Anon4this says
As a junior associate I billed around 1900-2100; as a mid-level/senior associate I’ve billed 2100-2300. I’ve had a couple years over 2300 and that is really hard. Now that I have a kid I’d say it is not doable. 2100-2200 feels hard but doable to me. My spouse works a similar job with similar hours requirements and we normally have a ton of childcare — about 60 hours a week.
Realist says
It is normal. BigLaw hours are just insane. It is also tough with two young kids. Both of these things are true. Even “lifestyle” firms, which are relative, as discussed above, are normally around 2000 hours in the markets I am familiar with.
layered bob says
We are bonus-eligible at 2000, but get “credit” for a certain amount of pro bono, firm service and mentoring, so I’ve gotten market bonuses in years when my actual billables were less than 1900. Most associates here bill 1900-2100, plus ~100-200 hours of pro bono etc. As I mentioned above, I’m in a low-stress niche practice group of a lower-stress firm.
DH (who stays home) says that life seems good/manageable when I’m on pace to bill 1900. Anything more than that feels unhappy/untenable and doesn’t let me be the mom I want to be (*personally*, not a comment on others). So I’m in the process of negotiating a reduced hours requirement as I become more senior to extend my timeline to partnership/counsel.
To actually bill 1900, I’ve found I need to be in the office (pre-pandemic) about 8-6 M-F plus an hour or two most nights after the kids go to bed and most Saturday mornings, plus the rest of Saturday as needed when deals are hot. Sometimes I leave in the middle of the day, or take an afternoon off or a few days vacation. That’s for 1900. If your husband is billing 2300, that’s the equivalent of a full, additional 8 hour work day per week, all year long, on top of what I’ve described. So yeah… that may be standard biglaw, but it’s also not great, and could very well not be doable for your family.
My career has progressed just fine so far (market bonuses, good reviews, good firm visibility etc.) never billing more than 2000/year. That’s fine at my firm, but I know of a few gunner associates (usually men) billing 2100-2400 even though they truly don’t have to. At your husband’s firm, maybe he has to – it’s true, that’s normal. But maybe he doesn’t have to and he’d be just fine billing closer to 2000-2100 most years, even if he feels anxious at first.
In the abstract the difference between 2000 and 2300 might not sound like a lot, but it’s six hours a week – a full weekend afternoon, every week, that he could be home, or done an hour earlier every night.
OP says
Yeah, I should probably just be grateful it’s not been more than 2300 so far. Thank you for the responses, we probably just need more childcare. I am so tired.
Anonymous says
As others noted, it is firm and market dependent, but I think 2300 is on the higher side for most of Big Law and it definitely translate to pretty long hours. What are his goals? If he wants to be partner, he kind of has to do as much as possible, but if he’s eventually looking to move to a smaller firm or in-house, then it’s a different story. This probably isn’t the right time to suddenly cut back on hours, but for the longer term, I don’t think a consistent 2300 hour pace is required at most firms. Everyone would have a busy year and there but the only people who consistently hit 2300 at my former firm were the ones gunning for partnership.
NYCer says
+1 to all of this. 2300 is a lot of hours.
At my firm, market bonus cut off is 1900 (pre-Covid, who knows this year).
Anonymous says
Last year I billed 2500 hours, but that was not the overwhelming norm at my firm and I expect to bill considerably less this year – and still be in great standing. My firm is true to its 2000 hour requirement generally.
Anon says
My goal before I moved in house was always 2300 with a 2000 hr annual requirement, with an infant and toddler. I tried my best to be very, very efficient to make it manageable. The high billers at my firm were at 2500-2800. We didnt get a bump to our market bonus until we broke 2400. I knew a few associates who exceeded 2800, but they were firmly told to bill less.
cbackson says
I targeted 200 hours/month when I was a mid to senior associate, with the knowledge that I wouldn’t make that in certain months and thus would come in around 2300 for the year. As others have said, that’s normal for biglaw…but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck. How much it sucks depends on how the workload is distributed – my workload was always high but stable *and* I was a very efficient biller, so I typically managed to hit that working 5 10-hour days plus a half day on the weekend. A few times a year, I’d have a terrible stint where I billed an insane number of hours in a weeklong period, but that wasn’t the norm. In a normal month, I always had one full day and most of another day off on the weekend, and did take vacations where I didn’t work much.
If his workload is really lumpy, that’s when it gets bad in my view – the weeks when you leave at 5 on the dot never seem like enough to make up for the weeks when you pull multiple all-nighters and bill 80+ hours.
Op says
Maybe too late for responses but the problem seems to be that partners never approach work with do you have capacity, it’s xyz associate will helping on this project. My DH definitely says he cannot take on more and pushes back at times but seems to be the lowest biller in his class in a satellite market (but is also the only one with two young kids). I think the billable minimum is BS if you can never push back and no one really covers for you on vacations etc.
Anon says
I consider my level sustainable at the 2000-2100 mark. My firm’s target is 2000 for regular market bonus, I think 2300 for “special – market plus 20% I think” – not worth it IMHO. The part I struggle with is that a lot of times my hours are coming in on nights and weekends (we are a service industry after all – we’re not getting called for the routine 9-5 problems), and I have random slow periods during parts of the day or parts of the week, so even though 2000 hours sounds reasonable, on an average work day only about 80% of my work is billable, and that doesn’t really account for any time off once you add in holidays (which sometimes I don’t have to work). Things that have made the biggest difference in sustainability for me are 1) better visibility into the work and the ability to have a say in deadlines, 2) working from home at least one day a week (preCOVID, obvs) and 3) working for people who also have (or have recently had) young children who get the flexibility I need. Those things can make the same billable total feel very different.
Anonymous says
Question for moms of older girls: how old was your daughter when she developed breast buds and how many years after that did she get her period? My 7 year old has breast buds, which seems really young!
Anonymous says
Not sure. My daughter is 7 and she doesn’t have them, nor do her peers. I remember having to wear a bralet in ~3rd grade. I was youngish for my grade (June bday). 7 sounds early but not off the charts early.
Anonymous says
Own experience was that occurred at 9 and menstruation at 13.
Anon says
I was really young, but I think this was also an early warning sign. I was later diagnosed with insulin resistance and PCOS.
Anon says
I’ve been told I almost certainly lost height to early puberty (at the age of 10).
Anonymous says
+1 I would definitely mention it to your ped. I don’t have a daughter this age but my sister is an endocrinologist and beginning puberty before age 8 generally qualifies for referral to a pediatric endo. Your pediatrician should be able to tell you whether you need that kind of follow up referral.
lsw says
This isn’t a mom-specific question, but it’s a “my brain is everywhere” question and I know you can relate! I recently got assigned a second service line that more than doubles my workload. (No raise and title bump for now…lllloooollllll.) Thank *god* my son is in daycare right now, but even with that, I still feel like I’m losing my mind. Things are slipping through the cracks and I’m just not on top of things the way I need to be. Part of it is the massive increase in workload, but part of the issue is that I’m doing very similar things, but for both service lines/institutes. I’m not sure how to ask this, but does anyone have suggestions for tracking “similar approach but separate content” style work? I feel like something from the project management profession would be helpful here but I have no idea where to start. Right now I just started two separate word docs of “things I need to not forget” for each institute but that’s not a very sophisticated system.
Expectations are high and maybe a bit impossible and I feel like I was just beginning to feel not completely frantic when this happened…ugh.
Realist says
Good question. Maybe post earlier in the day for more responses. I’ve never had this particular problem, but one thing that comes to mind is really separating out the tasks. I would try to do 2 inboxes, 2 to-do lists, and possibly use different colors of pens, fonts, highlighters, to separate it out. Even using different apps for the 2 lines if it makes sense for your like of work. Basically, I would need a system that made it really easy for my brain to go from one content mode to the other.
Anonymous says
I direct 5 – 6 large projects at a time, several of which involve similar tasks on different timelines.I keep a master task list on a two-page spread of a large bullet journal, with a section for each project. From there, I make a daily to-do list.
For two similar projects/lines of work, you could probably manage with color-coded tasks in Outlook.
Anon says
Daycare wants a family photo collage. I know there are apps like PicStitch that let you easily make photo collages but does anyone know if there are similar apps that let you make a collage and add text to it? Ideally free.
Anonymous says
A single PowerPoint slide.
Anonymous says
yup, and then pdf it
Anonymous says
I use PicsArt
Realist says
Photo Collage on iPhone. Ignore and exit the ads for the premium features, pretty sure it is free to do a basic collage with text.
Anonymous says
Hah—I always taped pictures to poster board for these.
Anonymous says
Same!
Anonymous says
I just used a stock one from Walgreens. It looked great!
Anon says
This morning I found both of our bathrooms smelling like cig smoke and weed. We live in the top floor of an apt building and I believe it is my downstairs neighbors (but cannot be 100% sure) because none of our direct neighbors smoke and the hallway does not smell. This happens on occasion (once a month) but my patience is running low. I’ve told management about it but I don’t know if they are actually doing anything.
It is so severe in one bathroom that I could visibly see smoke. I am concerned about second hand smoke during my pregnancy and after birth. I suspect our bathroom vents are connected with the vents below us.
What’s the best way to address this? Do I tell them that I’m pregnant and would appreciate them not smoking in the unit? Should it even matter that I’m pregnant? I do not know the downstairs neighbors. Or is this something that I just chalk up to apartment living? (FWIW our leases prohibit smoking in the units).
Anonymous says
Call management.