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Daycare teacher holiday gifts says
First time daycare parent here: what do we do about holiday gifts for daycare teachers? Both in terms of size of gift and whom we give it to. We’re at a center with 2 dedicated teachers in our kid’s classroom, and a number of floaters who rotate between classrooms, and 2 center administrators – all of whom know us and can address parents and kid in my family by name. One of the floaters seems more allocated to our classroom, as we see her in there maybe 80% of the time (but given her hours may not align with ours it may be higher). Is it insulting to the two main teachers if we also give an equivalent gift to the floater who is in there a lot? Is it insulting to the floater if she gets a lesser gift? What’s the going rate for gift cards?
Boston Legal Eagle says
We typically do a thank you card and cash (more fungible than gift card) – around $60-100 per main teacher, and a bit less for the floaters, maybe $40 or so. Amount varies depending on your area – we’re in a HCOL area. If you know there are a few set floaters, I’d gift to all of them. We don’t give cash to the administrators.
CCLA says
We are also in VHCOL area and have historically done similar, with $100 for main teachers and less for floaters and other staff. But we have been increasing the amounts for the dedicated room teachers and this year I’ll prob send in a few hundred each because I adore them and we can, but that’s not at all expected. $50-100 each seemed in line with norms.
I have had floaters come up and say thank you for remembering us, so I suspect they get left out often, nice to include if you can.
If I really get my act together I tie a festive treat to a card with cash but if I’m in a rush it’s just cash.
AwayEmily says
Same on all counts. Over the years I’ve had several teachers explicitly thank me for giving cash rather than gift cards.
Anotheranon says
Ha I just posted below about daycare holiday stuff without seeing this, glad I’m not the only one thinking about it! Does your classroom have a room parent? Ours coordinated gifts last year. We did $100 per teacher but I think $25-50 is a generally accepted range. I didn’t worry too much about insulting anyone with more/less, they’re all caring for my child and not making nearly what they deserve and we can afford to be generous.
Anonymous says
Best answer: offer to be the point person for your room. Suggested contribution of $X. Collect it all, divide up 80% to primary teachers and the rest between floaters. Give cash + small token gift. Be everyone’s hero.
Next best answer: $50-$100 per main teacher, $10-$25/floater.
Anonymous says
Question about your “best answer”…how much are you collecting as the room parent (or asking for if you are not the room parent but there is one)? When I was the room parent, I did not feel that I could ask for more than $50/family (with an invitation to give more or less or not at all), so that comes out to way less than if each family gave each teacher $50-100 (or even if half the families gave in that ballpark, frankly).
Anon says
I’m in the LCOL Midwest but $50-100/teacher seems really high to me. Most families here do $25-50 per teacher.
Anon says
I’m in a MCOL-HCOL city in TX but $50+ is about right.
Anonymous says
Our daycare didn’t have room parents. I started off with “give what you are comfortable with!” and everyone asked for an amount. I then switched to a suggested amount of $150 per kid to cover teachers, floaters and a small token admin gift. I’ve had some do $10 and some do $300.
This was in a Boston suburb where tuition was well over $2k/month.
anon says
I am so very grateful to the parents who do this collection and distribution.
My community has major income inequality. For us, it works well not to list a suggested amount because one family might be comfortable with giving x and another family 20x. Since gifts are essentially anonymous (it’s always a discreet and busy parent organizing), it’s easy for parents who can to give a large amount without feeling weird.
Anonymous says
I really miss our former center where one parent collected for the school — individual room parents made the requests but the money was sent to one central paypal — and then divvied things up amongst teachers and staff. It makes sure that all teachers & staff get something. That way the room parent isn’t knowing who gave more or less in their class of 10 families.
Anonymous says
I posted the suggestion and initially I didn’t put an amount in, but everyone asked. I have 3 kids so eventually I just put suggested amounts in and it was fine. I always got a range and treated everyone equally and signed the card from the entire class unless told otherwise (eg I occasionally had a family say they were doing their own thing so please don’t include them in the class gift).
Anon says
Our floaters are undergrad/grad students doing coursework at the Ed school there. I can’t tell if there is any sort of consistency with them at all so I’m leaning towards not getting them anything. I don’t even know how many there are…His main teachers will get $100 cash from me (2 of them).
Anon says
Our daycare does a cash collection divided among all staff and we contribute to that. In the past we have also done supplementary gift cards for teachers ($50/teacher), although from talking to people this is unusual. And full disclosure we’re not doing individual gift cards this year. Tuition raises have strained our budget and we also don’t love our current teachers the way we’ve loved some of our former teachers.
Anon says
Ugh I was just thinking about this. We don’t have a room parent or any kind of active email list. My kid started at this daycare in mid-July and will move up to a new room in mid-August. There’s two teachers in each of the two rooms but they all interact with all of the kids during outdoor time, etc. I was thinking of just doing a $50 gift card to Target for each. Do I have to do anything for the director?
Anonymous says
I suggested collecting for the class above. We never had a list. I told the director what I wanted to do and she helped me out. Sometimes I got a class list of emails and sometimes I wrote the email and the director forwarded it as a bcc to the parents. I had my Venmo in the email.
Aunt Jamesina says
We just give $100 to every person that’s regularly in the room. I refuse to worry about whether that will make classroom teachers vs. floaters jealous or whatever. I actually feel like the floaters need it more than the classroom teachers since the teachers earn more (albeit not that much). For us last year, that amounted to $700 total. We aren’t rich, but we make significantly more than the daycare staff do.
I don’t get the sense that large monetary gifts are common in our neck of the woods (Chicago suburbs), but I could be wrong. I hesitate to take on the work of coordinating a gift since each family’s budget is so personal and I don’t want to pressure anyone.
Anonymous says
We do $80 for main teacher(s), $60 for lead aide who is assigned to DS, and $40 for other aides/floaters.
Anon. says
I do $100 for main teachers and $50 for frequent floaters. I also usually coordinate with the admin staff to bring in Panera or equivalent for all the staff one day the week of Christmas.
MCOL Midwest and based on reaction from at least one teacher, this is probably above average but as someone else mentioned, I know just how little these women are paid as compared to how much I value them and we can afford it.
Feeling Poor says
Is there anyone else where $100 per teacher just feels like too much? In Boston suburbs, but I pay $2.5k+ for daycare for each of my two kids. I don’t know if I can give $100 per teacher, much less I don’t exactly know how many teachers my girls interact with exactly on a day to day basis.
Aunt Jamesina says
Give what you can reasonably afford! It’s so personal.
Anon says
I commented above, but $100 teacher feels very high to me. “Give what you can afford” is certainly true as a maximum threshold, but it’s also not the only parameter that matters? Like we could probably give $500+ per teacher, especially if we cut back on other discretionary spending for a bit, but it’s so wildly out of sync with our spending in other areas (we rarely spend more than $100-200 on our own kid at the holidays, and I typically spend <$50 on my best friend's birthday gift) that it feels off. And it's also wildly out of line with what others give that it would almost feel like we were trying to buy the teacher's affection.
We typically gave $50 to each of the three main teachers, and then $10-20 to some floaters, staff and students. It worked out to about one week of tuition, which is another useful but not infallible metric.
anon says
We also did $50 to two main teachers for each kid, $25 for assistants/floaters. LCOL Midwest.
Anon says
Oh my. I’ll never forget waiting in line at target to get something like $350 of target gift cards for the day care staff and an older woman telling me she hoped that my husband knew that I was buying those. I make about 3x what my husband makes. In my mind there were a lot of things said but I just smiled wryly at her. …
Anonymous says
Jewish/other non-Christian American families, how do you handle Christmas with your kids? My husband’s family is Jewish but still does all the American Christmas traditions like Santa, stockings, presents, a Christmas tree, etc. Now that I’m converting it feels weird to me to continue with traditions that obviously come from a Christian place, even though my husband is fine with it. What do you guys do?
Anon says
My husband and I are both secular/agnostic Jews raising our kids Jewish. We celebrate Jewish holidays and our kids go to Sunday school at the local reform temple. We don’t celebrate Christian holidays at home although we participate in community events like going to holiday lights displays and community egg hunts.
I don’t know any Jewish families (as opposed to interfaith) who celebrate Christmas in the way you describe with stockings, presents, etc. I think that is really odd and will make it harder on your kids who won’t really be perceived as Jewish by Jewish peers.
NYCer says
My husband and I are both Christian, but we know some Jewish families with small kids in NYC who celebrate Christmas like OP described. It is definitely not unheard of. They are definitely still perceived as Jewish because they also do Hanukkah, Passover, Yom Kippur, etc.
Anon says
It’s not unheard of but I do think it’s unusual, perhaps especially in places where Jews are a very small minority, e.g., not NYC. As someone said below, what religious Christians perceive as “secular” (Santa, trees etc.) is not really seen as secular by most Jews, and “secular Christmas” is something of a lightning rod in the Jewish community. I was in a Jewish sorority in college and one of the non-Jewish members wanted a Christmas tree/Hanukkah bush/New Years tree/whatever you want to call it in the house. It was a whole thing and the vast majority of the (not very religious) Jewish members were vehemently opposed and felt like it was Christmas and there shouldn’t be Christmas in a Jewish sorority house.
Also just want to note that perceived as Jewish by non-Jews is not the same as perceived, or perhaps more accurately, accepted, as Jewish by the Jewish community. Anyone who celebrates any Jewish holiday or has Jewish heritage is generally seen as Jewish by non-Jews, but that’s not how the Jewish community sees it, and it can be tough as a kid if your community doesn’t fully accept you. Again, probably a bigger issue in a place where Jews are a very tiny part of the population because the Jewish community tends to be more close-knit and insular in those areas.
anon says
So my first husband was Jewish, and his family did this. My husband struggled in general with Jewish identity, because his parents were secular to the extent that they didn’t attend synagogue (even on high holy days), he wasn’t bar mitzvah’d, etc. So their holiday traditions were really only Christian ones, despite identifying as a Jewish family, and that created a lot of issues for him (and ultimately for us in our interfaith home, which contributed to our divorce…it’s hard to navigate interfaith family issues when one part of the family is independently struggling with religious identity).
OP, I think there are two things here. First, you’re converting to Judaism – so I’m guessing that forming a Jewish identity for yourself and for your family is something really important to you. I want to validate that your concerns about this are legitimate and real, and I think you should talk with your husband about how you feel about this.
At the same time, if this is a well-established part of your husband’s family traditions, there is likely to be emotional attachment to these things for him. So when you do talk to him, I think it’s really important to invite him to share with you how he feels about these traditions and what they mean to him. Then you can see if there is a way to transition to a different approach to holidays that respects both his only family history with these traditions and your own conception of your/your family’s identity as Jews.
Anon says
Good thoughts here, but I think it’s important not to conflate being secular in the sense of not attending synagogue or having your children bar mitzvah-ed (which is many American Jews) and celebrating Christmas at home (which is in my experience pretty unusual except in families that identify as interfaith). My husband and I are both in the former camp, have tons of friends who were raised similarly, will likely raise our kids similarly and we have zero struggles with our secular Jewish identity. But even in the relaxed Reform movement it is unusual to celebrate Christmas the way OP describes, and you would likely be perceived as more of an interfaith family. Which is not a bad thing if that’s your choice, the Reform movement does welcome interfaith families at least on paper, but it is different than being Jewish. (Also if OP is formally converting, I suspect her husband’s family is Conservative or Orthodox, which is a whole ‘nother thing.)
anon says
Yeah, good point – I didn’t mean to suggest what my ex-husband’s family did was common in secular Jewish families.
Anonymous says
We don’t do any Christmas stuff at home as non-Christians. Part of our extended family is religious Christian and their holiday celebration is actually more comfortable for me since it is clearly religious, versus celebrations that try to make Christmas feel secular which feel very alienating and odd to me. But I also think we do what feels right for us as a minority religion in this country, and you and your husband can figure out what works for your family. Maybe there are other holidays you and your husband can explore to make your own traditions? I love Sukkot as an adult…I love having our sukkah and I love how it’s a week long so many opportunities to celebrate/less pressure on 1-2 days.
Anon says
Raised catholic, but atheist by choice. Husband was raised Jewish, but agnostic-ish.
We do a tree and stockings and “Santa” in our household and with my parents. If we happen to be with his out of town parents around Hanukkah, we light candles and celebrate. I think it’s great to expose our son to both sides and let him choose what his path is. My Jewish BIL puts up a tree in their house for his kids. I don’t think it’s unusual.
Anonymous says
I didn’t grow up in the US (I’m from the former USSR) and am a 2nd/3rd generation atheist so these are all foreign traditions to me. My family did have a New Years tree and did presents for New Years. I now do Secular American Christmas for my kid — she loves it, it’s fun, and I see no harm in it. It does not have any meaning for me but I recognize that she is growing up American and Secular Christmas is part of that.
I do address questions of religion and the religious meaning of the holiday in the spirit of “we are respectful of other families’ religious beliefs and practices, but in our family we do not practice any religion” and also try to throw in historical context to the broader question when I can. She once asked me if I believed in god and she hasn’t brought it up again.
Anon says
yea I’m with you and this is weird to me. I am Jewish, we do not do Santa or stockings or a tree. We do Hannukah with a menorah, dreidels, latkes, presents, etc. Almost all of my friends are Jewish and while many jews practice differently from one another (DH came from a family much more reform/less traditional than my own) and even his family (which has Ham for thanksgiving!) does not do Santa or stockings or a tree. I’d talk to your DH.
Anon says
My family and my husband’s family both celebrate secular Christmas in the way you describe – in both families, the dad’s side is secular Jewish, mom’s side is Christian. Both of us grew up in the South, so very few to no other Jews around us.
Both families (including our Jewish grandparents who were first-gen Americans, which may play into this) have done secular Christmas with tree, stocking, presents, dinner, etc. As a kid I would go to church with my mom, and I went to an Episcopalian school so did Christmas pageant, etc. Now, my husband’s parents are divorced and we will also celebrate Hanukkah with my husband’s father’s family on the years we see them, usually as one joint “Chanukkah” night.
My dad does not really identify as Jewish as all, while my husband’s dad does. Any association is more ethnic than religious. I honestly don’t think about it too deep (and not to be flip, but I just don’t care to spend tons of time analyzing it – I just appreciate the family time). I’m also fully atheist, so YMMV.
Anon for this says
Every family is different, but I’m in the camp that Jews don’t normally celebrate Christmas. I’m ethnically half Jewish, my parents are both atheists and we celebrated Christmas and Hanukkah in a secular way (tree, menorah, presents). My husband’s parents are both Jewish atheists and he never went to synagogue or had a bar mitzvah. The only holidays they did were Hanukkah and sometimes Passover, also in a pretty secular way although Passover is inherently less secular. His mom apparently took him to Santa when he was little. But he would be adamantly opposed to a Christmas tree in his house. It’s not a secular thing to him. We’re not involved in organized religion of any form, but we only celebrate Jewish holidays. After 20 years of marriage, my atheist in-laws still refer to me as “half Christian” whenever they can work it into conversation. Makes me roll my eyes hard, but yeah…to Jews Christmas = Christian even if it’s just the secular stuff.
Anonymous says
We just don’t do Christmas. I was raised Jewish with one convert parent who did not want to give up a Christmas tree, so I grew up with that, but while there are some specific ornaments and decorations that are nostalgic for me, I didn’t want to continue with my own family. My husband also grew up with one convert parent and definitely did not have any Christmas anything. So we just don’t do anything. Even at my kids’ Jewish school though, majority of families have done intermarriage somewhere and a lot of kids do Xmas with their Christian relatives.
Anonymous says
Editing: should read “have some intermarriage somewhere”
anon says
I was raised Hindu (mostly culturally rather than religiously) and am now agnostic. Husband was raised Catholic but is now also agnostic, and his sister and parents are marginally Catholic but barely. Growing up I loathed how Xmas was shoved down my throat when it was not a holiday that my family or I observed. It’s much better now – with celebrations throughout the holiday season across religion and culture, but it still irks me when I think about it. All that said, we have a Xmas tree for the kids and exchange gifts. But that’s it. We will be raising our kids agnostic/atheist as well but I don’t want them to feel left out of this especially as young children.
Anon says
Agree that when symbols of someone else’s religion are forced upon you, it gets uncomfortable, but if you’re choosing to display it, that’s ok. It’s up to you and your husband whether you choose to display it or not. Saying this as someone who is Jewish.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I was raised Hindu religiously and culturally, and we celebrated Christmas, likely a vestige of it being celebrated secularly in the city my parents are from in India and some other family milestones celebrated around the time. Growing up, we had a big Christmas party with family friends, and then as we got older, the holiday got smaller in our home but we still did decorations for a while and always have done gift exchanges. When I lived out-of-state it was really one of the key times I’d come home and spend a lot of QT with my family (vs. rushed long weekend visits).
DH is White/Non-Christian/Agnostic – I never really got what a big deal/undertaking Christmas was for most White American families, especially the gifting, until we were married; we spent Christmas at our respective families before we got hitched.
As a result, we lean in to the holidays culturally – “Fun Season” starts around Diwali (technically we start in August with another Hindu holiday but I won’t go that far back…) and goes through NYE/New Year’s. Putting up Diwali and Halloween decor this weekend, and we usually put up a few Thanksgiving decorations and then put up Christmas stuff after Thanksgiving.
Santa is a part of it, but I draw the line at advent calendars and Elf on The Shelf (the latter being too much work).
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
*Putting AWAY Diwali/Halloween decor…SMH
Alanna of Trebond says
I was also raised Hindu and my parents went to Jesuit schools so we always celebrated Christmas. We are very into decorations and my mother in particular loves churches. We also grew up in the mid-Atlantic/South so maybe that contributed. My husband is essentially atheist, so we do whatever holidays I want.
Diwali is funny for me because it is not culturally as important a holiday in my part of India and so we didn’t make as big a deal out of it until recently, because it is so big here.
Anon says
I am Jewish and we had a Christmas tree growing up. The secular Christmas elements of Christmas are fun! Its unusual, but if he and (soon to be) you are reform, I don’t think anyone will care. I’m now in an interfaith marriage and we’re raising the kids Jewish, so slightly different situation, but we still do both holidays and our Jewish friends all think it’s totally fine/great. Most importantly though, is how you and your husband feel about it. Worry less about what others think, because ultimately this isn’t something anyone but you two will think all that much about.
Anonymous says
I’m Jewish and we don’t celebrate Christmas at all. Very happy to enjoy the holiday cheer, so we would go see the Nutcracker, or a light show, or hear traditional music at a church. But that’s it. Christmas trees and stockings feel too Christian.
Toddler dressing says
Any tricks for getting a toddler to stand still for getting dressed and ready in the morning? The past week or so we go to do a standing change in the morning and he zips away undressed and giggling. Same with trying to get socks and shoes on. We do minimal changing in the morning already so most of the time he’s going to sleep in his clothes for the next day. It’s hard to get a diaper on properly with the squirming.
I’ve tried having a tv show on but it doesn’t distract him at all.
TheElms says
I’m fairly certain the answer is there are none and this is just a hard stage. The best advice is switch to pullups of the 360 diapers that you just pull on to eliminate the need to fasten tabs. They break away for changes of #2 diapers. For young toddlers (under 2 ish) I used to lay kiddo down and I’d put my leg over her tummy (gently) to hold her in place while I did diaper changes. After 2 ish we would give a choice – stand still or lie down and sometimes that helped but often we just did the lying down method.
Anonymous says
+1. I think my earlier comment was eaten, but at 2, we still use the lying down method, although I’ve become pretty good at getting her shirt on while she’s running around the house. She’s not interested in TV, but sometimes we’re able to convince her to stand still by saying that if she gets dressed right now, we can read whatever book she’s been asking for or play with whatever toy.
Anonymous says
+1
Anonymous says
I have 21 month old twins and it’s just a sh!tshow every morning. For one of them, I don’t put his shoes on til we arrive at day care because he will remove them and his socks on the commute. Usually DH changes diapers while I walk big brother to school. The. I just wrangle them both, get them most of the way dressed and we schlep out the door. Commiseration.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
+1 – YUP. Kid is 2 in December and I feel like I’m constantly trying to pin him down to get dressed/change diapers. I don’t remember this with his older brother…
Anotheranon says
Looking for ideas of something fun to do for my baby’s daycare staff for the holidays. We give cash to her teachers, but I’d like to do something for everyone else too. Last year we had lunch catered so we can do that again, but if anyone has other ideas I’m all ears!
Cb says
I did a pretty fruit basket one year and the teachers LOVED it! I think they get so many sweets that something fresh was really appreciated. I bought a nice wicker basket (that got repurposed by the children as a nest for animals) and went to Lidl and went wild.
Anon says
They really just want cash/gift card. Take what you would spend on the lunch and give more cash.
Anotheranon says
I figured this might be the answer, but it feels weird to give a few teachers $300 each in a way that spending $1k on a lunch for the whole center doesn’t.
Anonymous says
A $1,000 total holiday gift for child care providers is pretty extra. That’s more than most people spend on their own families.
Anon says
Yeah, I understand this is coming from a good place but it seems way over the top to me.
CCLA says
Maybe this wasn’t what was intended, but “pretty extra” makes it sound like a bad idea and I’d push back on that. OP if you have the means, that extra money can mean so much to the teachers and other staff and I think it’s great that you want to pass on some love to the daycare workers! But do heartily agree it will go further for them via cash rather than a meal.
Anonymous says
I actually think it’s kind of inappropriate and puts the teachers in an awkward position, as if you are trying to buy their favor.
Anon says
Yeah YMMV based on cost of living and fanciness of the daycare but I think giving that much is awkward and might not be received well, at least at our unfancy daycare in a LCOL area. At that point it feels like it’s gone beyond holiday gift to “you’re poor and I want to give you charity” which is a very different message.
Anne-on says
Wow, that is crazy generous but if you can afford it I’m sure it would be MUCH appreciated. My kid went to a smaller daycare (20 teachers) so his 3 main teachers got around $50 each, everyone else got a $10 starbucks card and a nice note in their cubbies, and then I had panera do breakfast for the whole place one day.
Anon says
Looking for advice/perspective, as I am sure I am not the only one with this dynamic with their spouse. This is a bit of a rant. I’m frustrated. TLDR, I’m the default parent and home manager, and I can’t figure out how to change that, since there are too many things that would affect me if they didn’t happen.
I generally take on a heavily load with managing our home/things for our kids than my husband. Things are OK until I am busy at work, get overwhelmed, and then realize I can’t just be in charge of all these things on the home front. My husband acknowledges that I do more at home. He tells me he appreciates it. But what drives my absolutely bananas is when I am doing 1000 things, I ask him to take ownership of one specific task, and then he doesn’t do it.
Exhibit A, our children’s passport applications. If we don’t have them in time, that obviously affects both of us. I asked him to do it, said I thought it would be good to have it done by X time to have a little buffer and not cut it too close. It is getting closer than I’m feeling comfortable with, so I go so far as to print the application, order the extra documents that have to get ordered (birth certificate, etc) since I know that will take time and start the application. I ask him to finish the application and make sure we have everything. A month has passed and he still hasn’t done it.
It just feels like I have to do everything or it doesn’t happen. And there just too many things that are too important/have a direct impact on me, that I can’t just let it go if it doesn’t happen. Another example: sharing day at our daughter’s preschool. Each week is a different theme, bring the item on Tuesday. I didn’t manage this and didn’t remind our daughter, she didn’t have something for first few weeks at school and was getting upset about it. It just feels like yet another thing that I am in charge of making sure it happens.
I guess I’m thinking that this is only going to get worse as my children get in school and having more homework demands/projects. I don’t want this dynamic to continue where I am just in charge of everything. I think there’s this bucket of stuff that would directly impact me if it doesn’t happen in time (passport application, school application, summer camp registration). And then there is the stuff that I would feel guilty about or would upset my kid if it didn’t happen (not having something for sharing day at preschool). I feel like I’m drowning. My downtime is managing our family while my husband’s downtime is managing his fantasy football team.
anon says
I’m sorry. This dynamic sucks. My only advice is that instead of trying to shift smaller tasks that can be forgotten, I’d try shifting responsibility for a daily major chore (or two or three). Don’t try splitting a task or it will all end up back on you. Shift the whole task + all planning and logistics. It’s all his.
Pick things that absolutely have to get done. Packing lunches in the morning? Grocery shopping? Making dinner? Dishes after dinner? Laundry? Daycare drop off? Kid bedtime?
NLD in NYC says
I like this suggestion. Maybe some small, but not catastrophic, failures might help him to see the need to step it up and be consistent. And no reminding him.
anon says
Another thing that can possibly be shifted are logistics for a kid activity. Swim lessons, for example. There’s no degree of better for taking the kids, getting them into swim suits, getting them out of swim suits, driving home. You can recover a solid 1.5 hours by having him do a chore like this.
Anonymous says
Yes, and he can manage his fantasy football team while he’s waiting at swim lessons!
Anonymous says
This. And if he is not a planner, physical labor is preferable for his tasks.
In our house I do most of the planning and organizing and my husband does more than 50% of the physical labor. The tasks I do are largely invisible to him, so whenever he starts complaining about housework I hand off an organizing task to him. He is reminded of how much hassle the organizing is and shuts up for a while.
Anne-on says
I’m sorry but I’m going to call BS on the ‘if he’s not a planner let him avoid that stuff’. Presumably he’s an adult who knew how to plan things for his own life prior to marriage/plans things for his job (and plans for his fantasy football league!). You don’t get to skip out on a major category of household labor because he claims he isn’t good at it – if he truly isn’t great at it his job can be managing the outsourcing of it to someone else like you may outsource cutting the grass or fixing the sink.
Anonymous says
But why would you want him to be responsible for the tasks he is bad at? I think couples should leverage their comparative advantages. In my house, everyone is happier when dad does the laundry and dishes and mom plans the vacation. If dad planned the vacation we would pay twice as much for something half as good and would sit in the hotel room doing nothing the whole time. I am also better than my husband at plumbing, so he mows the lawn while I fix the faucet. The last time he tried plumbing a pipe literally got snapped off, so why should he do the plumbing while I mow the lawn just to make things “even”?
Anon says
Agree with Anonymous at 11:16 – I think it works best to play to your strengths. Of course some men will pretend to be bad at things, but you shouldn’t marry those men or stay with them…
Anonymous says
This is reasonable to a point, but can lead to a pattern of intentionally messing something up to get out of doing it (there’s a phrase for this that I can’t think of right now). There are some things that are just unpleasant and no one wants to do, but that need to get done.
Anonymous says
That’s called weaponized incompetence. It’s pretty easy to tell when that is going on.
Seafinch says
This is us. My husband does more and more sweat equity every day as the kids get older, my work gets busier, and life gets a bit more complicated. He is a terrible organizer, untreated ADHD, upbringing etc. Him doing the management and organization always ends badly. He can take on isolated tasks but nothing with too many moving pieces so he gets the low hanging fruit.
Anonymous says
Exactly. And if he’s really bad at organizing, you will still bear the mental load of worrying and cleaning up the mess after he drops the ball. Much easier and less stress to own those tasks from the get-go.
Anonymous says
Yup, same. I have a longer comment in mod, but I suspected ADHD from the OP’s comment. Giving someone with untreated ADHD a whole multi-step task involving planning is setting everyone up for failure. ADHD isn’t a get out of jail free card, but you’ll be much better off playing to strengths.
Cb says
Ooof… that’s a really frustrating dynamic. Your husband should be stepping up, what does he say when you ask? Can he manage more of the physical labour? I manage the camp sign-ups and a lot of those logistics but my husband does way more actually parenting, so it feels equal. Sometimes we do “work nights” where we sit on the couch with snacks, and tackle a pile of stuff – either together or separately, which is pretty effective at getting annoying projects done.
Anonymous says
First, I think your frustration is fully justified and your husband needs to step up. The only time I’ve had success with this is giving DH concerete tasks and then letting him fail at them until he figured out I’m not going to rescue him to save face. But I think we’ve been sold a bill of goods that if both parents would just give 100%, it would be enough. That is a lie. It takes at least three competent adults to run a household smoothly. This isn’t going to be popular but I think you have three options: quit your job and run the house since that’s already a full time job, pay to outsource all of this stuff, or keep giving him tasks and let him fail and absolve yourself of the anger/guilt that your family is missing out on something.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I’m sorry you’re in this situation. I think it is pretty common, and generally sucks for mom. I’d have a sit down with him and discuss all of this (schedule it on your calendars if you have to). The book Fair Play is supposed to be good for laying out all of the work that goes into running a household and raising children – both the day to day stuff, and the “invisible labor.” Your husband presumably has a job where he’s accountable for certain tasks? So he’s capable, but his behavior at home is telling you that he doesn’t prioritize or value the work at home. And that’s a big problem. It shouldn’t be all on you.
Anne-on says
This – plus I think a brilliant part of Fair Play is that they clearly state that BOTH partners need to ‘own’ at least 1 daily, repeatable, deadline-driven task (making a meal, dropping off/picking up at schoo, bathtime, bedtime, etc.). You ‘deal’ out the cards, he agrees to own (concept, plan, execute) his tasks to your agreed bare minimum acceptable threshold. If he agrees, and then STILL punts this to you I think you need to seriously and clearly tell him this is emotional abandonment and grounds for divorce. Because, frankly, at that point I think it would be – you’ve told him you need help, outlined what you want him to do and how to do it, and then he’d be very clearly saying ‘nope, not interested, your job’. What at that point are you losing? Because it isn’t a partner, it’s a child (see also, Tom Brady/Giselle).
Anon says
I do almost 100% of the mental/logistical stuff, but my husband does more than his share of the physical housework, so it feels pretty equitable to me. I don’t know if having him pick up more of the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping is an option but that’s how we handle it.
I will also say that even though ‘mental load’ is firmly my wheelhouse, he listens when I say I’m tapped out. Last month there was culture day at our preschool and I was stressed with work stuff and also a bunch of other kid stuff and I said to my husband “I need you to do this and I need to not be involved.” And he did it. I think his presentation was maybe kind of weird but it got done, I didn’t have to do any work and our kid was very happy. If he isn’t listening when you say you can’t go on this way, then I would say it’s time for counseling. I think this is a type of marital issue where counseling can be really helpful.
Anon says
honestly, this is kind of our dynamic as well. part of it is that this was the dynamic in DH’s family growing up and DH and both of his parents are extremely disorganized, so he did not have any modeling of how to have systems in place to get anything done (like his parents would pay the electric bill late and once had their electricity shut off – not bc they couldn’t afford it, but bc they forgot), vs. my dad literally would make a list mid month of all the birthday cards for the following month, write them, address them, and put the date outside where the stamp would go. I also now have DH more in charge of more immediate physical things – he is in charge of all things trash related (unless he is traveling for work), all things yard related, i do not wash a dish or cup (we have a nanny who helps with this during the week, but it is all DH on the weekend), he does his own laundry. Right now is open enrollment for health insurance. I would’ve preferred to look at this a month ago to figure out which plan would be best, but instead we/he will be doing that this weekend. To be somewhat fair to my DH, he works a big job, while i work part-time, so he does not have much time for these things (though I also think he generally struggles with time management and executive functioning and could probably more efficient both at home and at work). It has been suggested he has undiagnosed ADD or ADHD but bc he is smart and always did well in school it never got in the way
Anon says
My main tip (others have also said it) is make sure the division of labor is totally clear for the entire task. If it’s on him to cook, that should include grocery shopping, planning, and getting it on the table. IMO, the worst divisions and unfairness for women occur when women do all the grocery shopping and planning, but the man gets the credit for getting the meal on the table. If you each own your own areas, it makes it easier to completely step aside and stay out of it when it’s not your chore, therefore reducing mental labor for you.
Spirograph says
I’m always interested in advice like this for the “food” category in particular because it involves so many steps and so much time. My husband and I do the total opposite and divide and conquer, and it works very well for us. I often make the grocery list and meal plan for the week, DH usually goes shopping, and then we split cooking responsibilities by day depending on logistics. Meal plan is written on the fridge along with the rest of the schedule for the week, and who’s cooking dinner each night. Occasionally things go sideways and we forage at the last minute because someone (usually me) got stuck late at work, but that’s life.
Anon says
My husband and I don’t really “own” tasks either and it works for us. We have a joint grocery list in Google docs that we both add to. He normally does the shopping with our kid in tow. If for some reason he can’t shop in person, I get a curbside pickup. We split cooking, and whoever cooks also cleans up (maybe counterintuitive, but I hate cleaning up after he cooks because he’s really messy).
anon says
It’s a totally reasonable way to do it unless you have a spouse who tends not to do their fair share. Then it becomes a recipe for a spouse under contributing and constant conversations about creep and allocation of tasks.
anon says
The other thing to ask yourself is whether you have enough help. It seems entirely reasonable that your husband is able to participate in an fantasy league. That’s not an onerous hobby (done reasonably). But you should have time for a hobby or downtime too. Consider if there’s help you can hire to make the two jobs + kids scenario work better.
We have an au pair and she is lovely for getting the kids out of the house in the morning and helping with evening logistics like bedtime and bathtime. She makes our lives so much better. We are less stressed so we can enjoy our kids and have actual downtime. The kids love their routine. My husband and I spent a few years pushing tasks back and forth between each other with high levels of stress before finally hiring more help. It’s made all the difference.
Anon says
+1 to getting a hobby or downtime for yourself. Carving that time out and forcing it onto the schedule tends to put positive pressure on the rest of the household to accommodate it. There may be growing pains, but it’s worth it.
Anonymous says
I’m sorry, this is stressful. From your description, I don’t get the sense that your your husband is a slacker, just that you need to figure out a balance that plays to each of your strengths so everything gets done with a division of labor that feels more fair to you.
Does he have ADHD? Because this sounds like my husband. He’s not a planner, he’s not good at backing in to a schedule to get things done on time with all the right dependencies covered. But he executes as long as he can do it right then. Yes mental load and all, but what works for us: I just send him an email (scheduled send to arrive while he’s at work, where he has fewer distractions and plenty of control of his time, and bonus, is also often taking his ADHD meds) to DO THIS TASK, and he’ll knock it out. This is everything from scheduling home mx to registering kids for camp, as long as he can do it with a phone call or on the computer, it will get done. He also takes care of a lot of the getting kids to and from activities. Again, actionable things that don’t require planning and multiple steps (we keep equipment bags packed, so it’s grab-and-go). I don’t enjoy playing chauffeur, and this frees up my time to do the planning parts and the homework help, which DH doesn’t have the temperament for.
anon says
This dynamic is so, so common and frustrating as he!!. I would suggest couples counseling to work through it with a neutral party. And the Fair Play cards/book may be useful. How does your DH respond when you say you’re tapped out and/or frustrated?
I am with you in that I hate the advice to let some things go. Like … what? Many of things have an actual impact!
Anonymous says
How old are your kids? Mine are 4/6/9 and DH has gotten a lot more involved over the years. I just push chunks of stuff to him and he learns.
If DH doesn’t do PK dropoff or pickup, he may not ever master share bag. Let him do pickup for a few weeks and get the earful about not having it.
I started sending DH to various conferences. It totally changed how engaged he became with the kids school work.
I own lunches. If I punt to DH, he fails. He had told me he can own it or not own it but don’t throw him something and expect him to be ready to step in perfectly.
DLC says
Sometimes with the kid things- the things that induce guilt but not directly impactful- I tell my Husband he’s responsible then I tell the kid that Dad is responsible so don’t ask me. I do this for school field trip forms, birthday parties, playdates with “his” friends’ kids… I think show and share would also fall under that. Then at least I don’t get the sad eyes from kiddo when it doesn’t happen because kiddo knows the ball was not in my court.
I feel like my Husband and I carry the same amount of mental load, but about different things. He is constantly thinking about house stuff and big projects and travel and I do the more micro daily items.
Zennia says
May I suggest an alternative? Let the consequence happen. Don’t print out the application and maybe your vacation does get ruined, let your kid miss the activity, let there be literally nothing for dinner. If you’re going to swoop in and he knows it, it’s hard to motivate to do it because there’s a “reward” for not doing it. Once you hand it over fully commit. If you’re not willing to see consequences you’re not really willing to hand it over.
Anon says
I don’t think it’s fair to punish the kids (and/or yourself, in the case of the vacation) because your husband is lazy. There are better ways of getting your husband to step up.
Anonymous says
He’ll also blame her if the vacation gets ruined because there are no passports, even if it was “his” job, because she saw it coming.
Zennia says
You aren’t punishing them – he is. And you’re making a strategic decision – short term pain for long-term gain. If you don’t allow consequences you are deciding to swoop in indefinitely.
Anon says
I see your point, but I think in a marriage when you’re supposed to pull as a team, it carries a lot of risks. Obviously long-standing problems need to be worked out, but I know I’d be really frustrated if, say, I thought my passport expired in 2022 and my husband knew all along it expired in 2021 and didn’t say anything until we were at the airport. It would feel like he’s punishing me for making a mistake in a way that would damage the marriage.
Anonymous says
I think the team thing is exactly on point and a great way to think about division of labor. You wouldn’t ask a quarterback to be a linesman; his skills lie elsewhere. If you give everyone the role they’re best suited for, the whole team does better. Everyone needs to pull their weight, but not everyone has the same job.
anon says
It’s also possible that his delay will ultimately be okay with the passport coming in time, but in the interim she’ll stress for weeks about whether the delay will be a problem. He’ll feel vindicated. She’ll feel all the stress. Not worth the gamble.
Anonymous says
This happened to my BIL when SIL waited until the last minute to renew her passport. So much stress for him.
Aunt Jamesina says
The vindictive part of me wants you to let him forget to do the passports in time and then go on your own vacation. Bye hon! Off to Paris! Good luck with the kids! The adult in me realizes this isn’t the answer.
Spirograph says
It seems that planning isn’t your husband’s strong suit. I see someone’s “weaponized incompetence” point above, but some people are … not good at planning. Maybe they have ADHD, maybe they just never learned. If you are a planner, and your husband isn’t, you need to help him cultivate that skill (because someone who is not a planner is not going to sign themselves up for couples therapy or executive function coaching) and/or accept that you’re the planner and he’s the doer, and divide tasks accordingly. Also, think about *when* you ask him to do something. I am a planner, but if my husband asks me to do XYZ when I’m in the middle of something else and can’t either do it right then or write it down, I might have the best of intentions but it probably won’t get done. And finally, give deadlines. “Please finish the passport applications tonight” is likely to get a better result than “we need the passport applications done before January.”
It’s possible your husband’s a jerk and happy for you to shoulder an outsized portion of the load, in which case, you have a bigger problem and couples therapy would be good. But that’s not the vibe I got from your comment. You just need to figure out the mix of responsibilities and way of communicating them that works well for the two of you. At least for me, this wasn’t an issue until we had kids, but you’re right that it only gets more complex as the kids get older. Experiment, there’s no right answer here, but there are lots of ideas worth trying.
Anonymous says
Yeah, I made the comment above that weaponized incompetence is pretty easy to recognize. It’s not the same thing as actual incompetence.
anon says
There’s also some element of chosen incompetence. The person doesn’t know how to do the task because they’ve never done it so they refuse to learn how to do it. This is my dad and laundry. He *could* learn to do laundry but claims incompetence. He’s actually incompetent at the task because he chooses to remain so.
Anon says
Yeah people are like “he must have done I’ll this before you got married!” But that’s not always true. My husband didn’t travel internationally, didn’t have retirement accounts, didn’t have a credit card, didn’t have a house to maintain, didn’t have kids when we met in our early 20s. He actually does not know how to do a lot of the things I do for the family. Yes, he could have learned, but he is not naturally skilled in this area and it was much easier for me to handle it and delegate things to him that come easily to him.
Anonymous says
Definitions of the patriarchy for $200
Anon says
I mean, if you need to put me down so you feel better about yourself, go for it, but my husband does more work for the family than I do, even when you factor in all the mental load stuff. He does the vast majority of the housework and although we are both very hands-on parents, he’s in the primary parent role to the extent there is one. I also prefer to do detail-oriented administrative tasks that can be done from a computer, so it’s not like this is hurting me — it is 1000% my preference that I renew our passports and buy kids clothing and he cook dinner almost every night. I hate cooking and cleaning. But sure….it’s #patriarchy to divvy up tasks based on what we each enjoy and are good at. Eyeroll.
Anonymous says
What works for us:
1. weekly family status meeting – discussion of which specific ‘non routine tasks which each have to complete before the next meeting – ours is Wednesdays at 9pm for a half hour.
2. extra meetings in advance of major events like holidays (early November meeting re holidays schedule/gifts) or vacations – the reality is I’m usually the one rolling in with an agenda and list but he has specific tasks with specific deadlines that he takes ownership of.
3. He does all food stuff and dishes – grocery shopping, feeds kids breakfast, makes kids lunches, cooks dinner 4 days a week. I do dinner two days and we have take out every Friday. Don’t like your lunch? Talk to your dad. Meals must include a protein and two veggies but I don’t care what you make. Not sure I even remember how to work the dishwasher at this point. I do all laundry except his clothes.
I still run a lot of it but we had a serious chat about him needing to be a responsible adult in the relationship. I said it should not be more work for me to be married to you than to be a single mom and it is right now and you’d best be concerned about changing that.
anon says
I think having a weekly or bi-weekly touch base meeting is a good starting point, where you can keep a running list of things the family needs to get done and decide how to do it. As part of that, you can consider whether you need to pay someone to help you with household things if neither one of you has the time or energy to do it.
Generally, though, I think it’s a mistake to think you can and should control someone else, even if you are married to them. Relationships are easier if both people have a clear idea of what their “job” is, so you don’t have to negotiate everything on an ongoing basis. And if you do want to add something specific to his plate, you might have to talk about it more often than you would like while masking your frustration that you can’t simply delegate it away in one go. He might want to handle it differently than you do, and that’s okay.
Elle says
How much anxiety did you have before trying to conceive? I went off hormonal BC last week so that we can start trying. My desire plummeted and my anxiety is through the roof. I’ve spent the last 15 years trying to prevent pregnancy and my brain is having a hard time making the switch. I can’t decide if this is normal or if I need to talk to my doc about meds.
Anonymous says
It can take awhile after going of BCP for your hormones to recalibrate. Give it a few weeks, and see how things even out.
I don’t think it ever hurts to talk to someone, and there’s something in between doing nothing and getting meds from your doc (not that there’s anything wrong with meds). What about talking to a therapist who focuses on TTC, pregnancy, and parenting? You can search on psychologytoday dot com by insurance & specialty in your area.
Anonymous says
All of this. I hadn’t realized how much BC impacted everything about my body, mood, energy levels, etc until I went off of it. There’s an adjustment period, duration of which is different for everyone. I *felt* normal again after a few weeks, but it took many months for my cycles to regulate (and then I realized how much BC had smoothed out pms symptoms, which was its own fun).
Anon says
None, but I wasn’t on hormonal BC beforehand. I think that’s probably the culprit here.
An.On. says
My greatest anxiety during TTC was about whether or not it was successful each month. I did have some thoughts about whether having kids was the right decision, but those were generally more uncertainty about the future, and short-lived. One week seems like a short time to have such a big reaction – is this anxiety about the decision manifesting? Can you give yourself some time to let your cycle adjust before you formally “start trying” in order to take some of the pressure away?
Anonymous says
Figure out a way to add some fun into the trying. We made a point of trying each room in the house. We also used the every other day method because ovulation tracking sent my anxiety through the roof. We treated the off days as heavy flirting days – tried to refocus on not being ‘allowed’ to do it on certain days vs ‘having’ to do it on certain days ramped up the fun for us.
Anonymous says
I naturally tend toward anxiety and found TTC extremely anxiety producing. HOWEVER if you have been on bc a long time, you may not be familiar with how your natural hormonal cycle affects your moods. There are 3-5 days in my cycle where I am likely to be extremely anxious and irritable, and I didn’t know that when I went off bc. Desire can also fluctuate a lot during the cycle. If it’s been one week I would wait it out and look for patterns. Just the dropping the bc hormones for me would create hormone-induced anxiety! (Now I know I get it with every estrogen drop- before my period, after a miscarriage, after having a baby, at weaning, when I had a benign tumor affecting my estrogen production, etc).
Anon says
I felt anxiety about it after so long of trying (successfully) to not get pregnant. I drank a glass of wine before we tried the first time. I was fine after that. I just needed my inhibitions lowered a little
Anon says
This is why the Fair Play book (and podcast, netflix doc, therapist certification, and cards) were invented! Buy two books and a set of cards, have each of you read it, and tell him in two weeks you’re getting a babysitter and going somewhere to hash out the cards and divy up the responsibilities. If you’re really ticked send him the ‘she divorced me because I didn’t do the dishes” article.
Anon says
How do you figure out if your child needs therapy for something or if something is normal reaction? Ever since the death of Queen Elizabeth (yes random I know), my child has been concerned/interested in talking about death. I’m not actually sure what happened that day, but DH randomly told her the queen passed away, and she knew that my mom had also passed away (though this was 2.5 years ago when she was 18 months old) and then seemed to be have lots and lots of questions about death and dying, she got upset a few times that i will die and who will help her put on her jammies and go to sleep and i explained that my body is healthy and works well, and that the queen and her grandmother were old and their bodies stopped working. what is obviously a bit confusing about this is that her other 3 grandparents are still alive. sometimes randomly in the car she will ask/talk about how my mother is dead and is starting to ask more questions, like why did her body stop working, why couldn’t the doctors help her/give her medicine, etc. My in-laws dog also recently died and while we don’t talk about heaven or anything like that, of course my MIL said thats where the dog is. We generally say that we don’t know exactly what happens when someone dies. We have the book the Invisible String, which suggests the Uncle is in the clouds. My daughter is 4. Any book suggestions or ideas to help her? I think she is subconsciously anxious something is going to happen to me.
Anonymous says
Ime this is normal. My 4 year old is now 5.5 but around 4 he went through a phase of intense interest in death and what happens to your body and spirit when you die; now we talk about it occasionally. We used it as an opportunity to talk about our belief system but of course you don’t have to do that. He had a lot of uncomfortable questions though so it might be worth talking to someone about it yourself. I had to get comfortable with the fact that I couldn’t answer a lot of his questions to his satisfaction: and that’s ok. It’s not my job as his parent to have all the answers.
Anon says
Sounds pretty normal for a 4 year old. Mine has had no immediate experience with death (I’m very sorry for your loss) but learned about it somehow and talks about death A LOT lately. The other day she said something about the Fourth of July and my dad asked her some question about her comment and she looked at him and said “you don’t need to worry about it! You’ll be dead by then!” The other day she gleefully announced “Mommy’s mommy is DEAD!” (this happened before she was born). One time she randomly burst into tears and said she didn’t want us to die and we just said it was not going to happen any time soon.
Anonymous says
She might do well with the movie Coco. I’d watch it first and see what you think. I watched it with my kids (youngest is 4) and it spawned a good discussion about death and remembering loved ones that have died.
We are not religious but we live across from a church and around the block from a cemetery so there are often funerals happening so death has come up quite a bit. Their grandmother has died but they didn’t go to the funeral (COVID) but we talk a lot about how your body gets tired and worn out when it ages. Doesn’t help for people that die young but we haven’t experienced that sort of tragedy yet.
Anonymous says
Counterpoint: my 4yo watched Coco without my knowledge and when I picked him up he was in tears and has been concerned about monsters ever since.
Anonymous says
It was my suggestion but that’s why I said watch it first!! I walked in when it was half over and thought I was going to have a rough time with my 4 y/o but it worked out well.
Anon says
I have an anxious 7 yr old who asked the same questions. My friend who is a grief counselor suggested just being very honest/black and white about it.
We answered his questions as they came: “you would go live with X and Y, and they would take great care of you.” “X would make sure all your toys and clothing got packed up, and she would make sure you always had help getting on your PJs.” I would usually follow up with “but thankfully, my body is healthy and strong, and I check in regularly with my doctor to make sure that I am healthy, so I should be fine for a long time.”
TBH, it’s a little morbid (and my mom was appalled by these conversations), but a child needs to know that they are going to be okay or continue to worry. Assuring her you will be fine isn’t going to help since she has all this objective evidence right now that people do, in fact, die. It will help her feel more secure, ironically, to let her know you’ve thought about it, and even in worse case scenario, she will be fine.
Anonymous says
Slate’s Care and Feeding had a question about this recently — apparently it’s a totally normal developmental stage.
Anonymous says
Every 4 year old I know has gone through a “death” phase. It’s weird but normal.
Anonymous says
Silly question: is it ok to leave my pumpkins (not carved) out for decoration until Thanksgiving is over? They’re not quite ready for the compost pile. I suppose I could bring them inside but I’m curious what most people do.
Anonymous says
I always leave my fall decor out until after Thanksgiving, when the holiday decor goes up.
anon says
Of course! Pumpkins are fall decor. I leave them out until it’s time to decorate for Christmas, unless they get gross and mushy before that.
Anon says
I always leave them out until they start to go bad.
DLC says
Ours get left outside until they get eaten by squirrels.
anon says
This exactly
Anon says
Yes but one of my favorite things about our town is that on the Saturday after Halloween you can take your pumpkin to our local sledding hill and chuck it down. The park district cleans it up for compost and it is so satisfying!
Anonymous says
I want to do this!
Anon says
That sounds so fun!
Anonymous says
Omg leave them out if you want to, who cares what most people do!!! In our neighborhood squirrels or rats would get to them but that probably doesn’t apply everywhere.
anon says
OK, please be kind, because I’m hurting already. I have made the difficult decision that we need to rehome the cat we got a year ago. We went into this as experienced cat owners, but this poor guy (adopted from a shelter) has some undesirable behavioral quirks that we haven’t been able to get a handle on and are only getting worse with time. Those quirks are mild aggression and spraying on exterior walls. I fully believe the previous owner did not disclose the extent of the issues, but that’s water under the bridge.
I have been to the vet on multiple occasions. The pet is on anti-anxiety meds. I have spent hours with a behaviorist, who hasn’t told me anything I haven’t found on Google already. Most of the additional adjustments she’s suggesting are just not feasible for a number of reasons. I have poured literal thousands of dollars into solving this problem already and as much as I love this guy, I cannot do it anymore. I am so stressed from constantly cleaning and wondering where he’s going to mark next. I have come to the conclusion that the general commotion of kids is a huge stressor for our pet.
So. How do I explain this to my kids, who are very attached to this animal, even though he swats at them and never really wants to play with them. I am heartbroken and NEVER thought I’d be in this situation. I think my pet would be OK in a really quiet household with 1-2 adults and zero other pets or kids. I’m trying to find him a suitable family, but odds are, we will end up back at the shelter. And I know he may be at risk of euthanization because of his issues, which further crushes me.
I don’t see a happy ending here, just a series of less-than-ideal choices to consider.
anon says
I should say: I’m not looking for solutions at this point. I’ve probably tried them all at one point or another. I would like to know how to address this with my kids, though.
Anon says
How old are your kids? Age really matters here.
anon says
Elementary and middle-school age.
Spirograph says
They’ll understand. I think the script below from 11:50 is perfect, and I’ll add that we had to rehome some pets when I was a kid — one cat who really wanted to be a barn cat, not a housecat; one dog who was way too high-energy for our lifestyle and also went to a family with lots of land for her to run on. Siblings and I were older elementary & middle-to-high school at the time. Everyone was sad, but totally got it.
Anonymous says
Oh, yes, at that age they will definitely get it. I thought you were talking about preschoolers.
Anonymous says
Our home was not the right home for Kitty and he was not happy here. We could tell this because he bit and scratched us and made messes on the walls. This is how cats tell people when there is a problem. We tried everything possible to make it better for him, but nothing worked. We love Kitty and want what’s best for him, so he is going to go live in another house that has what he needs. This is something that happens once in a while with animals, but it does not happen with people. [Never mind that it does sometimes happen with people, but kids need to know that you won’t rehome them.]
another anon says
Anonymous, this is a great script. OP, you’ve tried so much–moving the cat out of your home really is the very best thing you can do for the cat.
Anonymous says
Hugs to you OP, you have fought a good fight
Anonymous says
Not OP, but these comments really warm my heart. We had to rehome a pet that was dangerously aggressive towards our baby, and the amount of judgment and vitriol that we got even from the rescue that had said “if you ever need to rehome the animal you must bring it back to us” was incredible. You all get it.
anon says
OP here, and I’m in tears. It’s so hard to admit when you’ve reached this place. It’s awful, and gut-wrenching. I went into this with the full intention to have my kitty until the end. Let’s just say that it will be a long time before I’m ready for pet ownership again.
Anonymous says
It is SO HARD. You are making the right decision for your cat and your family. You will get through it. Big hugs.
Isabella says
Another question about daycare gifts: What is normal for kids who “graduate” to a different room, especially if it happens late fall? The baby room only keeps them for less than a year, so this is will affect those teachers a lot. I’m a ftm considering volunteering as “room parent” and wondering which other parents I should contact.
Anon says
As a room parent for Room X, you should only contact parents who currently have a child enrolled in Room X. If people want to give a gift after moving on to a different room, they can do it on their own. Fwiw, we’ve never done gifts in that situation. It’s definitely not unheard of and I’m sure teachers appreciate it, but it’s much less standard/expected than a holiday gift IMO.
Anonymous says
On Sunday I need to bring my 4 year old to 8 year old’s first basketball practice and game, about 90 minutes. We need to stay the whole time. 8 year old is likely to be clingy and anxious, possibly weepy. (Or maybe it’ll be fine!) 4 year old was a covid toddler who is still not fully used to being in public AND who is still practicing waiting patiently. With my older kid I never brought anything to entertain him and he was always fine so this kid is new territory for me. What would you do to help occupy 4 year old in this situation besides books? Kicker is this game is 5:45-7 pm the day of the time change :).
Anon says
Will there be any other younger siblings there? Took our three year old to seven year old’s first practice this weekend. She spent the first part watching the kids practice then she found another little girl and they ran around behind the bleachers – it ended up being fun! That tends to be what happens when my littles are dragged to big kids sporting events in general.
thirdjen says
A few thoughts:
– let the 4 year old pick a toy or two, the agency really helps
– deck of cards, for making patterns or pretending to deal – also good if there is another little one at the game that your kiddo wants to play with
– coloring book and “fancy” coloring tools if and only if the bleachers are not open
– if the bleachers ARE the kind that are open, prepare for lots of under-bleacher playtime or constant battle about needing to go under
– headphones and a dedicated playlist for kiddo, allow dancing if there is free space
– be flexible, everyone may need to have a terrible time! (credit to the onion on an article about family vacations with toddlers)
How much attention do you need to pay to the 8 year old’s game?
anon says
New toy, tablet, snacks, coloring – 4 is good for a highlights preschool magazine. Play games like Eye Spy or Simon Says. Agree that there will probably be other siblings to play with.
Anon says
I have 4 kids and have been dragging young toddlers to practices forever it seems. In addition to what’s said above, more snacks than you think anyone could possible consume in that period of time.
You also have permission from this stranger to hire a babysitter. We started doing this for games with one of my kids who just wasn’t/isn’t built to sit quietly for long periods of time, after we realized that it was a pretty nominal amount of money in the long run and absolutely EVERYONE was happier (toddler gets to play at home, big kid gets your undivided attention for a bit, and I wasn’t constantly running on the field to get a 3 year old OFF the field).
Anon says
all the snacks, i mean i think all 4 year olds are still practicing waiting patiently whether in covid or not. same type of things you’d bring on an airplane – coloring toy, stickers, fidget toys, etc.
Anonymous says
Tablet, snacks, and playing under the bleachers.
Anonymous says
Is it possible to have one parent attend the game and the other stay with little sibling? I have been a sports mom for years and the families that divide and conquer always seem so much happier and more relaxed than the ones who drag the whole family to every practice and game.
Anonymous says
Unfortunately kid’s games accidentally coincide with my spouse’s own sports games (we misunderstood the schedule).
DLC says
I have a set of toy cars/trucks/buses that I usually take with us wherever we go and that seems to help keep my kids occupied. (They are 3 and 5).
Also – my parents got us those preschool brain quest cards and they are also great for when we are at restaurants or any other waiting place.
+1 to bleachers being very fascinating for little kids.
And I definitely agree about snacks. Lots of snacks.
Anonymous says
OP- thanks for the ideas! I had a unicorn older child who just never really needed entertainment/somehow could be dragged anywhere and didn’t go unhinged when forced to wait for long periods so adjusting to a normal 4 year old attention span is a bit of a challenge ! I may look at a sitter for future games depending on how this one goes too. It’s a new league and sport, and first organized sport for anxious 8 year old, so there are a lot of unknowns!
Anonymous says
My kids’ preschool is rehoming their bearded dragon. Convince me I should say no.
They’re rehoming him because the teacher who cares for him is moving and the director doesn’t want to be responsible for him, which I understand. He’s a good pet, not super social but lets the kids feed him and pet him. I have a kindergartner, and two 21 month olds. And a dog. This is crazy right?
Anonymous says
Yes. This is crazy. Do not do this.
Spirograph says
I dunno, lizards are not terribly time-intensive pets… it’s not the worst idea I’ve ever heard. My roommate in my 20s had a bearded dragon and a dog. He was a terrible dog guardian, but the lizard was no problem at all!
If it were me, I’d just be slow to answer. If someone else claims the lizard before you do, so much the better. But if it’s looking like he might be homeless, I’d take him.
Anonymous says
My husband’s family still brings up the story of the time his older brother’s pet reptile escaped and was loose in the house for weeks. This happened 40 years ago.
anon says
See above posts re: rehoming cat and dad not pulling his weigh. No.
Winery says
I’m getting together with friends this weekend to do a winery tour but I don’t really drink wine and can’t do red wine at all. Should I just bring a side drink or just grin and bear it LOL.
Anonymous says
Can you look up the winery’s website? Some places will have a snack bar, seltzers, etc. that you can purchase along with the wines, while others are much more bare bones, but those will most likely let you bring your own food and (non-alcoholic) drink in. Hopefully it’s a spot where you can buy or bring in a different beverage and still have fun with everyone.
Anonymous says
+1. Look at the website and plan to buy or bring a nice cheese plate and seltzer. This is what I do with breweries because I don’t like beer.
Anonymous says
I don’t drink and enjoyed visiting wineries with my husband. If they are going to be trying to get drunk that could be annoying, but otherwise I think of it as kind of a farm tour – you can learn/see interesting things even if you aren’t tasting.
anon says
As someone who doesn’t drink, absolutely bring something for yourself. I’ve spent who days going to wineries where I couldn’t even get tap water. I wouldn’t count on them having anything other than wine.
If they say you can’t have an outside beverage, at least you can drink your beverage at the car or on the way home.