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Lydia says
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Anon says
Oh I love the floral pattern
Anon says
I’m pregnant with my first in California and I’m planning out my maternity leave. Help me figure out how to stack it? I will get eight weeks of partial payment from the state paid family leave program and my job is protected by FMLA. There is also some state disability time in there I need to figure out. I think it will give me some additional weeks before the paid family leave starts. In any case, I’d like to take about five months total before RTW. My husband is also protected by FMLA and he has the bonus of eight weeks of fully paid leave from his employer, plus ample sick time that he could draw down (lucky b*st*rd).
Since I have almost no PTO at my job, just two weeks accrued right now and it will be about three by the time I go out, I’m thinking I should just take some of the maternity leave unpaid and then have PTO waiting for me for vacation and sick time when I come back. Or should I use it to have a paid leave? My other question is about taking time with my husband at the same time. We both feel that we want to do that for bonding and so we can learn together, but I’m wondering if he should go back early and save some of the paid time for child sickness or something. It might not be necessary because he has so much sick time already. Any on approaching this? Last piece of relevant information, we already have a daycare spot and they indicated that we can be flexible around 4 to 6 months.
Anon says
FMLA is only 12 weeks.
Anon says
Responded farther down that I expect my job will approve additional unpaid leave. I think the CA disability is six weeks after birth, then FMLA starts. That gets me to 18 and I could take a few more unpaid. Of course there’s a chance I’ve got it all wrong 🙃
Anon says
“I think the CA disability is six weeks after birth, then FMLA starts”
This is not accurate. The leaves run concurrently so you get the greater of the state leave or FMLA. You don’t get to add them. In this case state leave is more generous than FMLA: 4 weeks of disability before birth + 6-8 weeks of disability depending on type of birth + 8 weeks of family leave = 18-20 weeks, of which 4 weeks are before the baby arrives, so a 14-16 week parental leave.
But your FMLA doesn’t then give you 12 weeks on top of that. It runs concurrently against that state leave and is all used up by the time the state leave ends.
Anon says
It’s different in California. Pregnancy Disability Leave Law and FMLA DO run concurrently, but the California Family Rights Act is basically like an additional state FMLA . PDLL and FMLA run concurrently and then CFRA kicks in for the final 4 weeks of FMLA, plus an additional 8. I think.
Anon says
CFRA is also concurrent with FMLA normally. Some employers may let you do them separately, but that’s rare.
But I think we’re saying the same thing… “then CFRA kicks in for the final 4 weeks of FMLA, plus an additional 8. I think.” What you are describing IS concurrent leave.
I agree that CA’s combined disability and family leave is more generous than FMLA and extends beyond it, so you get the longer amount of CA leave. But you don’t add FMLA on to CA state leave. FMLA runs concurrently during the 14-16 week post-birth leave guaranteed by the state of CA (up to 18-20 weeks total when you factor in potentially 4 weeks pre-birth) and is used up by the time the state leave expires.
Anon says
Your state protected leave and FMLA normally run concurrently, which means you can’t stack them for a longer leave. My friends in California were able to take 4 weeks off before birth through the state disability program + 12 weeks of state leave/FMLA. The state leave is partially paid, unlike FMLA, so that’s the big benefit, not a longer amount of time off. They only got more than 12 weeks post-birth if their employers had a more generous policy.
On how to combine with your spouse, if he has good parental leave I’d suggest 1-2 weeks at the beginning when you’re both off to bond and figure out newborn care, then he takes the rest once you’re back to work. Are you sure your husband can use sick leave for parental leave though? My employer has a pretty generous sick leave policy, but I don’t think a father could use it for parental leave unless he had some sort of doctor’s certification that his wife was disabled, which might be hard to get, especially for a vaginal birth.
Anon says
I’m in m0d for some reason, but your state leave and FMLA run concurrently. You’re legally entitled to 4 weeks before your due date (CA state leave) + 12 weeks after the birth (state leave for 6-8 weeks, followed by FMLA). You only get more than 12 weeks if your employer chooses to give you more, or you use accrued PTO.
anon California mom says
This isn’t quite accurate–FMLA adds to confusion and it’s not all that helpful to consider FMLA in California in this instance since it runs concurrently with state leave and provides less than state law. My knowledge might be a bit out of date–I have elementary age kids and I think the law is now more generous than it was when they were born. As of a back then:
There are two buckets of state leave in California: Pregnancy Disability Leave (PDL) and California Family Rights Act leave (CFRA). CFRA runs after (not concurrent!) with PDL. PDL provides a % of pay up to a cap. CFRA provides a % of pay up to a cap for 6 weeks, and a total of 12 weeks of job protection (maybe more weeks of pay now?)
For a standard pregnancy, one gets:
PDL from 36 weeks until birth
PDL after the birth for 6 weeks (v birth) or 8 weeks (c section) or longer, if there are certain complications THEN
CFRA for 12 weeks, 6 of which are partially paid
For a totally textbook standard pregnancy, it’s a total of 4 weeks before birth and 18 weeks after birth of job-protected leave, of which all but the last 6 weeks of leave are partially paid.
For parents who don’t give birth, they just get CFRA, so 12 weeks of job-protected leave, of which 6 are partially paid. I think some cities, like San Francisco, have ordinances requiring some additional pay than what the state provides.
Anon says
OP here and thank you! This is so clear.
Another CA Anon says
Can confirm that this explanation is accurate in CA (as of my last leave in 2020). I had one pregnancy where I did not take advantage of the 4 weeks before birth because I wanted to conserve my paid leave for after and figured I could work from home so how bad could it be. I deeply regretted not taking advantage of the time off beforehand. Next time around, I took 3 weeks off in advance and it was absolutely a better call. I was also able to tack on some unpaid leave at the end and return with a bucket of PTO, which I appreciated.
Anon. says
I can’t speak to your question on CA specific leave, but want to comment on your husband’s leave. The absolute best thing we did with our first in terms of setting up an equal parenting dynamic was for my husband to use his one of his weeks of paid leave during my first week back at work. I wish we would have used more that way. He took a couple weeks at the beginning with me – which I/we needed together for basic healing. But the solo time he spent with our son was invaluable. As someone who had spent basically zero time with babies before, it gave him so much confidence that yes he really could do it all by himself all day long. Bonus was that it made my first week of work easier as it wasn’t also our first week of daycare. I recommend some solo dad leave to all the expectant dads I know.
Cb says
Yep, definitely! My husband had switched jobs whilst I was pregnant so wasn’t eligible for shared parental leave, but he took 2 weeks between me going back to work/my dad taking over as nanny on a bit of an emergency basis (baby wouldn’t take a bottle!) and it was so, so good for them.
anonchicago says
This is what we did, except we only had a few weeks of overlap then DH took most of his leave solo. As in, he took 2 weeks of vacation when I had the baby then he went back to work for 13ish weeks. We had one week of overlap at the end of my mat leave then he was a solo parent for 12 weeks before she started daycare.
I also recommend this to everyone I know bc DH built up so much confidence as a dad and really bonded with DD. Had we shared, I think I would’ve defaulted to doing a lot that DH wasn’t comfortable doing.
Anon says
Agree with this. We even went one step further and had my husband not take any of his parental leave at the beginning, but he’s a professor so he didn’t have the option to use one week at once (he was either on leave the semester I gave birth, or the semester after, and we chose after). I did have my mom there for the first two weeks and it would have been tough without her and my husband also had a more flexible work schedule than most. If you don’t have family help and your spouse has a traditional office job, I’d recommend using 1-2 weeks right after birth so he can help with your physical recovery. But 1000% save the bulk of his leave for after you go back to work!
Anon says
OP here and that sounds like a good idea, although we both WFH (in a small townhouse…) and there wouldn’t be any TRULY solo time on offer. It may be worth considering anyway, though. He could take the baby to the park and go out a bit and get used to traveling together.
Anon318 says
First, congratulations!!! I wish you an easy and joyful pregnancy, the delivery experience you want, and a healthy baby and family.
Second, the fact that you both WFH is probably even more reason to ensure you both have some solo caregiving time. Your situation may be different, but my mom-antennae would (still do) tingle somehow before my kids would show outward signs of being upset. DH… had to work up to any level of parental intuition. When my job went permanently remote, I had to learn to close the door and trust DH in caregiving. That trust is invaluable as you fall in to division of labor going forward – it is hard to drop the ball on a domain if you haven’t practiced trusting your spouse to handle stuff! Of course, this applies in the other direction, as well, as you have primary caregiving responsibilities for some time while he is at work.
Good luck and come back as you navigate this transition – this is a generally kind and helpful crowd!
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes, 100% this. Recommend it for everyone. My husband took 3 weeks of flex time/sick leave when our kids were first born, then took his 8 weeks of parental leave after I went back to work. My employer has this same parental leave available to dads, so I’ve encouraged my male colleagues to do this too. It really pays dividends in setting up an equal parenting dynamic.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Just to follow up with some math, this would get you 16 weeks for you + 8 weeks for him = nearly 6 months off with baby, which I think is a great time to start daycare.
Anon says
My husband had 8 weeks of leave. He took 4 weeks immediately after the birth and 4 weeks when I returned to work (after 12 weeks). I got the idea from this board actually!
The only downside was I was in the trenches solo during the day from 4 weeks to 12 weeks old. Then I turned over a happy, engaging 3 month old to him. That was a little more fun for him and I was a little jealous. :)
Anon says
I hear you on the jealousy! But there are trade-offs both ways. I was jealous he got a more interactive baby but he was jealous I got a sleepier baby and had tons of time to read and watch TV, and I saw how hard it was for him to be on childcare duty on all day, in a way it wasn’t for me (and he’s the higher energy person and the more engaged parent in general, so it’s not just a case of “oh men can’t handle staying home.”)
The real holy grail IMO is if your partner takes the bulk of his leave after you return to work, but you can overlap for a week or two right before you go back. You’re physically recovered and can just enjoy the fun, interactive baby together, plus having another adult around the house makes it easier for you to get ready to return to work and you can run errands like clothes shopping without having to take along a newborn or arrange childcare. Bonus points if you can do it when the weather is perfect. My husband and I had a two week overlap at the end of my mat leave in late May and early June and I still think about that time fondly.
Anon says
FMLA projection is only 12 week.
Anon says
Yep, I know! I should have added that I’m pretty sure that my job would approve me taking additional unpaid leave. They did it for someone else who went out recently.
Anon says
If you don’t need the money to get by, I would absolutely take your leave off unpaid and save the PTO for later use when you actually return to work. Not having the option to take PTO when you need (or want) to is so demoralizing.
Anon says
I think that’s where I’m leaning too – I HATE not having any PTO and find it so stressful to “go in the red.” I’d rather take a few weeks of unpaid and then come back in.
Anon says
Yep. A lot of people were surprised I didn’t max out my vacation days when I took maternity leave, but going back to work and not being able to take a vacation for months seemed incredibly demoralizing. Also if you don’t have a separate sick leave bank, you’ll need the PTO for illness (baby’s and your own) if your baby is starting daycare.
Anon says
Thank you everyone! You’re all a lot more helpful than Google.
Anonymous says
I thought this site was nice for laying out the basics:
https://typeamomtales.com/2015/01/08/california-maternity-leave-how-to-milk-it/
She updated it in 2021.
If you have any kind of complication or risk (including being over 35 like many of us corporate moms), you can get your doctor to sign you off work a month before your due date. You may be debating taking this to be a good worker, but go ahead and take it! First, I could barely get a night’s rest by the end, I was running behind on baby prep, and you no never know when you’ll actually go into labor. If you’re worried about going over 40 weeks, then take off 3 weeks before your due date instead of 4. I know a few people who preferred to work up until they basically went into labor, but your company really won’t appreciate you more for it at the end of the day.
Anon says
I agree OP should take the leave since it’s offered and doesn’t cut into her time with baby, but in case anyone else reads this and panics, I worked until I was induced at 40+3 and it wasn’t bad at all. It might be different in high stress jobs, but a lot of workplaces go easy on women who are super pregnant. I worked primarily from home (pre-pandemic when this was not generally a thing) and had a very light workload. There were a lot of naps. It was a pretty easy way to collect a paycheck and I’m glad I didn’t burn my time with the baby.
Anon says
Oh, you definitely don’t want to burn time, but in CA, the four weeks PRIOR to deliver are use-it-or-lose-it.
Anon says
Yes, I get that. I was commenting in case other people who don’t have use-it-or-lose-it time before birth are worrying about working right up until delivery.
anon says
Test
Cb says
Mom confessional – my husband and son are going to my brother-in-laws for a 4 day weekend next week and I am so, so excited. My husband had surgery, I’ve been ill, work has been full on, and I’m just really looking forward to being home alone. And my son will get a trip to Oxford, and see his big cousins (he’s 7, they are all in their 20s, and he thinks they are impossibly cool).
I’ve got an event in the city on Friday, and I’m going to go to yoga and a nice dinner before heading home, and then am going to intersperse all my household projects with nice walks and reading. I’ve taken the Monday off as well.
Think I struggled with the transition from a weekly travel job to a local job, and am missing that alone time. I love them to death, and our family life is generally pretty chill, but home solo sounds bliss.
Emma says
I’m with you! Love my family but as an introverted only child, alone time is the best.
Anon says
I’m jealous, enjoy!
I’ve traveled without my husband and kid a bit but have not been alone overnight in my own house since my kid was born 6.5 years ago. I was supposed to do it for the first time this past fall and then my good friend’s father died and I had to travel for the funeral. I may need to check myself into a hotel for a solo staycation at some point.
Mary Moo Cow says
I recently saw “my two favorite things are being with my kids and being away from my kids” and boy, same. I love my family but I am an introvert parenting an extrovert and an introvert, and DH is a self-professed needy introvert, and it just can be a lot. As Daniel Tiger says, you can feel two feelings at the same time, and that’s ok! Enjoy your solo time, Cb!
Anon says
I have my first time alone in my house coming up in a week, for a full weekend, and I also plan on going to a few yoga classes and buying myself dinner and just relaxing! I can’t wait.
Vicky Austin says
Whew, we had a rough night at our house. How’s everyone doing today?
anon says
Same. 5 month old has allergies? teething? a cold? all three? Up all night. 6 year old is ok-ish but is internalizing some of our stress and exhaustion. Plus, a wild week at work this week. I’m zapped to the core. I told my husband all I want for mother’s day is to be allowed to stay in bed as long as I want. I don’t want breakfast in bed, to be woken up or anything else at all. Just… peace and pillows.
Anon318 says
I’m so sorry about your rough night! I hope everyone can hold it together well enough to be nice today and get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Kids are in the midst of the end-of-school-year presentations and showcases and DS was just so proud to present a research project to his class and their parents this morning. I can’t believe how far he has come in a school year! Otherwise I’m riding energy waves at work trying to get big projects finished by the end of the month so I can breathe a little more this summer. Motivation vibes are welcomed!!
Anon says
Sorry you had a rough night!
We got low-risk NIPT results back and it’s in one way a relief, but it’s also hard to relax and think that this baby (unlike previous ones) will actually be born. Pregnancy after loss is a wild ride.
I feel you says
Yeah DH traveling and my five year old is sick with a throw up virus. Was up all night, then the 2 year old cried for me to come get her then the dog threw up on my bed too. I did not sleep. There is so much laundry today.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Sorry to hear about the rough night. We’re doing well right now – kids are happy in their schools/daycare, and looking forward to summer as we’ve got a few trips planned, including our 10 year anniversary trip! As I’m prone to do, already looking ahead to fall when we’re going to have a few potentially tough transitions (new grade/new teacher for a kid who doesn’t do well with transitions and one starting K) and dreading it already. Trying to decide how many activities to sign older kid up for – I think he had too many last fall but now I feel like we’re overcorrecting.
Anon says
It’s my birthday and I had very low expectations because the end of the school year events have been non-stop, work is busy, we’re in a tough parenting season and I came down with a bad cold on Monday. But it’s been surprisingly lovely? I miraculously woke up feeling 95% better, kiddo was in a great mood this morning and we had a nice walk to school, I had a couple meetings canceled and was able to spend some time reading, am going to brunch with my husband soon and kiddo has art class this afternoon and is finishing a beautiful painting that she’s going to give me as a birthday present.
But for real, I did not appreciate how hard the month of May is for parents until I had a kid in K-12 school. I heard someone say the other day it’s like December without the cookies and I feel that so hard. Godspeed to you all!
Spirograph says
Happy Birthday!
and +1, May is insane. Search “Maycember” for a video that was viral-ish last year around this time and is spot-on. (Apologies in advance if it’s stuck in your head the rest of the month)
Mary Moo Cow says
Ugh, rough morning. There was a territorial dispute over the driveway for bouncing balls this morning and Little Sister hauled off and punched Big Sister and called her a blubberhead. (They are 6 and 8, respectively, lol.) Then Big Sister pouted the entire way to school because she doesn’t actually like the snack I packed that I thought was a fun treat. She also added two big ticket items to her meager birthday wish list that she is not getting. I’ve lost 2 cases this week and just cannot muster the enthusiasm for work. I’m anxious about not actually selling stuff at our neighborhood wide yard sale this weekend, but I’ve decided to let it go and take it straight to goodwill if doesn’t sell. So, distracted — see above about not wanting to work. But the sun is shining, so there’s that!
Anonymous says
We have been through it lately: neighborhood flooding, leaking roof, kids not sleeping, end of school year madness and the emotions that go with it, etc. But today has been good so far. I got a calcium score of 0 so I’m thankful for that. My twins went to day care without crying. I just got off a phone call with my BFF: she and I are planning a week of “summer camp” for our kids and I am so stoked about it!
GCA says
Oof, sorry about your rough night! it’s kids’ school’s Walk / Bike to School Day. I had a nice walk to school with kid 2 while kid 1 biked with his friend.
School doesn’t let out for a month (we start late) but I’m already feeling the end-of-year madness over here.
Anon says
Aww, Vickie Austin – hang in there. Those nights are tough to recover from. Hope today is better.
Honestly the first 3 months of this year were SO crappy on many fronts, I am so grateful to feel grounded for now. Work is at a really good, busy-but-not-unmanageable clip, DH is in a crazy work/travel season (he has work trip #9 for the year next week) and has a lot on his plate in that realm, but we’re all managing well.
DS #1 is wrapping up K – and he is ready to be DONE, and DS #2 (almost 3.5) started ST with a private therapist in November and seems to be growing leaps and bounds in that realm, which is so great – and I’m savoring every thought shared!
We have childcare set for this summer (Y camp for DS #1, no change for DS #2’s daycare/preschool – both close to home and not a ton of logistical changes/driving added to our plates), and are still thinking about our trip (with DH’s work it is hard to plan ahead, especially in the current season) – we may go see DH’s family a few states away, which would be great…OR there’s a slight chance we may take an international trip. It will probably end up the former, but a girl can dream. :)
Looking forward to a girls’ trip this Fall, and a trip for DH and I early next year.
Waffles says
Do you care about NWEA MAP test scores?
What has been your experience, if any, with MAP/IXL personalized study plans?
Mary Moo Cow says
Eh, I care a bit; DH cares a bit more. I look at the MAP reading test over the past two years as another data point to consider with behaviors I observe at home (namely, reading daily, enthusiasm for reading, reading speed, difficulty level of books my kids are choosing) and teacher’s comments.
For my 3rd grader, we noticed that her fall MAP reading score showed a marked decline from 2nd grade. She had been reading graphic novels and Wimpy Kid almost exclusively — getting her to read text books outside of school was a fight. Her teacher had commented that she was reading above grade level and teacher really liked connecting her with books, so we banned graphic novels for a bit, worked with her to find text books to read, and then, when we got spring MAP results back that showed an improvement in reading, gave back graphic novels. Since then, she’s voluntarily read a mix of graphic novels and text books; her teacher has commended her reading, she reads every day for pleasure. She’s doing MAP testing this week and we’ll get the results this summer. DH likely will pore over them and I likely will glance at them and then file it away.
Anon says
This is not a brag, but on the flip my 3rd grader reads exclusively graphic novels and wimpy kid (though he reads a lot – yesterday he read four books) and most recently scored in the 98%. So there isn’t one “right way”, if anyone is seeing this and panicking over reading material! We also read to him every night so he gets vocab exposure that way.
Definitely good to keep tabs on how your child is doing, but my son’s teacher explained to me that when a kid is already scoring highly, and especially as they get older and their peers get stronger, the percentile may fall and it’s usually nothing to worry about
Anon says
Yeah my kindergartner can’t read at all and got 95th percentile. It was a huge surprise to me. But apparently it is a “language arts” test not a reading test and so there is a lot more to it than just reading comprehension.
Our teacher said the same thing about percentiles falling as other kids improve and apparently there’s a big drop in 2nd grade when they have to start reading the test to themselves (although I don’t really understand why that would make percentiles drop; it makes sense raw scores would drop though).
Anon says
I care in the sense that I confess I’d be a little anxious if my kid was well below average in our high-achieving district or below average nationally. I don’t really care whether she’s 75th percentile or 99th percentile, although it’s always nice to see higher scores.
I’m not familiar with the personalized study plans.
Anon says
Also our K-er had a *lot* of anxiety about the spring NWEA testing, which definitely did not come from DH & me (we never mentioned it in her presence except to tell her she did fine on the fall testing when she asked if she did ok). It was hard to see. I was an anxious perfectionist but I don’t think I worried about standardized tests at age 6! So we’re definitely cognizant of that and will be down-playing it around her. If we see a concerning score in the future and need to do intervention as a result, we will not mention the test and will just move forward with the intervention. I don’t want to set up a cycle of her stressing about bad test scores and having even more anxiety about the tests.
GCA says
Yes, +1 to this. We do a different test, but I do not care about scores. I care about process.
Are the kids anxious about testing? (mine are not or not yet, thank goodness, but it is something to manage. I was an anxious test-taker as a kid.)
Do they check and double-check their work to make sure they’ve answered every question? (this would be a bigger issue if the tests were not computerized; my brilliant but spacey third-grader is fully capable of missing an entire page).
Have we had a conversation about why tests matter? (“Why do we have to do this test?” My answer is that tests give the teacher and the school and the district a picture of how all the kids are doing, and that’s important so they can figure out how to help kids better)
Did they try their best even when they felt things were not going their way, or did they give up and write it off?
Et.c.
Waffles says
If your school uses IXL software, it is compatible with NWEA MAP. They can upload the MAP test results to IXL, which creates an online learning program tailored to the student.
Anon says
do not care at all. the last time my Ker took the math one she told me her headphones didnt work and couldnt hear, but didn’t tell her teacher. Was not surprised when she tested as below average growth, though she did still grow. I guess i’d also be concerned if there was no growth and if my kid was like well below average, but we most certainly dont do anything to study for them
anon says
My district only has the math version of MAP (we use DIBELS for reading) and the results matter for my 5th grader this year because they use the score for math placement in middle school. So yeah, I do care this year. She’s really good at math and I’d hate for her to be placed below her ability because of a single test score.
I got the results from her winter MAP test and put them into IXL so she could work on one area of weakness. Despite being 99+ percentile overall, she was testing far behind in one area so I thought it was worth remediating that area. Her spring MAP test is coming up, so we’ll see if it made a difference.
My general preference is to have her do any summer math practice on paper (as well as the math I had her do during COVID shutdowns), so this was my first time using IXL. It was okay and I appreciated that it keeps going so a kid can keep moving up and challenging themselves. But it isn’t as adaptive as I’d like and requires her to do too many very similar problems even once she has demonstrated that she knows the material. It also occasionally has mistake where it tells her she got a problem wrong when she was indeed correct. In short, it’s fine, but I’m going to stick with my favorite workbooks to supplement. I think there’s better stuff out there.
Swimming says
Any advice on teaching a kid to swim? My four-year-old hasn’t ever been in a pool, and swimming lessons are logistically difficult. I’d like to give it a try myself but am wondering how best to approach. And if this is a really bad idea, open to hearing that as well, of course. Thanks!
Anon says
It probably depends on your personality and your kid’s personality but it’s a bad idea for a lot of kids.
That said, you have time. My kid didn’t start swim lessons until age 6 because it was complicated logistically and learned quickly. I have no regrets about waiting and it didn’t negatively impact her life at all.
Anonymous says
We’re trying this too. We’re just paying to go to a local community pool when our schedule allows. You can find basic suggestions (start by having them get their face in the water, blow bubbles, etc) on Youtube. A hurdle has been getting our kid not to cling to the parent. She’s tall enough to stand in the shallow end/stairs, so we’re going to try framing this as pool school with rewards for good effort. If there’s no progress, then we’ll look at lessons again. Most kids aren’t going to be strong swimmers for years still unless you have access to a pool frequently.
Clementine says
From someone who has taught literally dozens if not hundreds of kids to swim – I outsourced to lessons.
Body position is the key. Once they get body position the rest follows. This means they will need their face fully in the water so their legs can also be up. Focus all your exercises in ways that make sure their heads aren’t up high – kick boards on their sides, use pull buoys and bubbles, but really – body position.
Anon says
You can swim breast stroke with your head fully out of the water. It’s the only way I’ve ever swam, and I’m a strong swimmer (not fast, but can swim indefinitely and in rough surf).
anon California Mom says
Some thoughts:
-you’ll need lots of pool time. ideally when it isn’t too crowded.
-start with feeling comfortable in the water and pool/water safety. It’s worth looking up all the recommendations and being really, really strict with them. I never wanted my kids to get a sense that they could swim before they really could swim, so no water wings and it was always a parent within arm’s reach until they were strong swimmers.
-try to make swimming as fun and comfortable as possible. In the Bay Area, this means wetsuits + goggles for my kids at an outdoor pool we go to year-round. We tend to swim in the morning before the pool gets busy, so it’s never that warm out. It’s easy to feel cold if one isn’t moving a ton and is the size of a small child. Also: bring juice or some other easy snack to keep up blood sugar if you think your child might want to spend an extended time at the pool.
-a kickboard is a great tool for learning to swim
Anonymous says
I agree with all of these, although admit that we did use a floatie because we had two kids and that way one could be a bit independent. My oldest had some swim lessons and my youngest had zero swim lessons, and at this point (age 5 and 7) the youngest is probably the stronger swimmer. We gave them tons of exposure to the pool (live in DC which has free indoor and outdoor pools for residents), brought lots of toys, they always wore goggles, and we just tried to keep it really fun. If you have access to a pool with a gradual entry slope that would probably be the best first way to go.
Op says
Any DC-specific recommendations? We’re walking distance from the Takoma Aquatic Center but just haven’t ventured in, and DPR swim classes fill up so quickly and have mixed reviews. Thanks!
Anonymous says
Yes! Wilson pool in DC has a great kids area, but is apparently closed for repairs. I’ve heard good things about Marie Reed, but honestly if you’re walking distance to Takoma just go there! Check to see when they have open swim and just go a lot. In the summer, literally any of the outdoor pools, check to see what is closest to you and might have a good kids pool or gradual entry (I live in SW DC and go to pools down there, I’m sure you can find more convenient ones). When they are first open is always less crowded and better for little kids, afternoons can get crazy and crowded.
Anon says
I’m in SW DC too (small world). Any recommendations for that area? I know of multiple splash pads, but no good pools. I’ve tried the one at eastern market, but it was legitimately disgusting when I went (many bandaids and other things floating in the pool)
Anon says
Agree on the constant and consistent exposure to water so they can practice their skills. Even with formal lessons, the model of one 30-min a week class through the winter never made sense to me; I sign up for summer weeklong “intensives” so they keep the skills day to day, and surround that with lots of trips to our local pool and swimming hole. It’s not a one-time, one week in a pool and you’re done situation with kids
anon says
I’m a big fan of toddler goggles with a soft strap, like these: https://www.amazon.com/Frogglez-Goggles-Pain-Free-Strap-Ideal/dp/B083QWTDYL/ref=sr_1_9?crid=3GRXFB99PXCAL&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.pYTg62wchfTvz9YcTxNpQ_eEtLgOfBZhYdxzEoVgUX1TfhPFE9pOKYNgplY8jySdpAjx9WKqMrXV2cwQueY0ncEQUjVfPUZNx_ZvZn3tGd7tsNe1rRn6rKTEoO71ggXecDaepYu6IWvarNuC01fin7LXV0Gbl9LaTS5HnXKelHbxW1AfrEutmOXtsyLiMN4mN1w4_-dlE95B7e3Y-AOK1pDOu1AWfa6yvYBfq9l5f3p-sQLLKNPpVYtFt7i13szwZXAQcAWfEFUU_QG5sHXFxEBH6cYW42mj2xQK406fNMk.u6YihKvsYDU7kc-sJMmflrE0ny_zYgSkOb62rQlkstc&dib_tag=se&keywords=toddler%2Bgoggles%2Bsoft%2Bstrap&qid=1715190612&sprefix=toddler%2Bgoggles%2Bsoft%2Bst%2Caps%2C520&sr=8-9&th=1
TheElms says
I recommend this particular pool noodle / learn to swim device for getting close to the correct body position. I think its a little easier to use than a kickboard as well. My daughter was really struggling until her swim teacher used this and once she got more flat in the water a light bulb off and in the course of two lessons she went from not swimming at all to being able to swim independently a few feet. Now we are working on stamina and after 2 more months or so she can make it the length of the pool independently climb out, jump back in and swim the length of the pool again.
https://www.amazon.com/Kiefer-Rock-Boat-Trainer-22-Inch/dp/B00ND886ZC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=3UVE3Q1G93DTM&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.WSwfAlVnLQpKdulA5Qm8Pe8owa3U_jc5Px1YaBPgskJsoHBybho8JioUEIF3Ih-RRAXtAr-vEYIMVS4t1-4ZoHUjf4vQCWePGtDS0deY0rZGAJMPh3aOnuP5nqaAbedsJiHvRfzlTN6GD80obOgJEZDhGT-tRZHYUguj6tyUjp6hq7r2ihX2BJPCgCQCSe54fhW6ICRPI8L6gIXtmjajVofr9OmsqMWGc573TE0ZfGal4GVaYHZZbGEgNfYJUIB-m3r5nxI0K3_kHj47jamtgiFz288xJO8PncpfGSloDQY.Gk-nU7nQ9Fm4hIjJ4my7-aRtHPe7o5Us_2IBV1itHCw&dib_tag=se&keywords=learn%2Bto%2Bswim%2Bnoodle&qid=1715201857&sprefix=learn%2Bto%2Bswim%2Bnoodl%2Caps%2C173&sr=8-2&th=1&psc=1
Anon says
My Kindergartener (5yo, turning 6 in August) is struggling with his social interactions and I’m looking for advice to help him. According to his teacher, he just blurts out what he has to say in class and talks to close to others or too loudly (I see these behaviors too). I’ve also noticed he has outsize reactions when things don’t go his way. For example, lately he and his friends have been going on the swings at the playground, but he gets very upset, to the point of crying or nearly crying if he doesn’t get the swing next to his friend. DS has friends, but his teacher is concerned that soon kids won’t want to be his friend if he continues this way. I don’t see other K’ers crying on the playground over things not going their way (but please tell me if I’m wrong! He’s definitely young for his grade, which doesn’t help). Any suggestions of books to read or activities to work on these skills? Thanks!
Anon says
This all sounds pretty normal in K especially for a kid who is very young for his grade. My K-er who is right in the middle age-wise (turned 6 in January) still cries regularly at school when she gets frustrated. Her teacher has flagged “emotional regulation” as something to work on but has told us it’s well within the range of normal and my kid has lots of friends. I think it’s smart to pay attention to it in case it starts causing social issues in the future but I wouldn’t panic!
Anon says
agree with this. also idk where you live, but at least where we live there is A LOT of redshirting (like even redshirting of kids with April/May bdays) so your kid would be super on the young side
Anon says
It’s a similar situation in my area. I also suspect the teacher may be making a bigger deal of his behavior than she would if he weren’t so young, knowing that you have the option of having him repeat K (assuming your cutoff is Sept/Oct so redshirting an August bday wouldn’t be crazy).
Anecdotally, my kid had a friend with similar behavior in Pre-K and we were told “she’s a little emotionally immature, but she’ll be ok” and he was told “he’s too emotionally immature, hold him back.” I think the only real difference was that his birthday was a lot closer to the cutoff, close enough that he was in pretty standard redshirt territory for our area, while she was not.
Anonymous says
I’m not the OP but posted below – as my son is the same age- and I am so thankful that there is basically no red shirting in his class and a bunch of May-August birthdays!! Now there are some kids born just after the cut off, whereas my kid is just before, so they are almost a year older, but I don’t think anyone is more than a year older. In an area or school with more red shirting , we might have made a different choice about when to send him to kindergarten. There isn’t NO redshirting – a couple kids with pretty significant learning disabilities in my older kid’s class were redshirted- but I’m thankful that most of the kindergarteners have been 5 most of the year.
OP says
Thanks all for the reality check. It’s good to hear he’s not as much of an outlier as I thought, though his school certainly sees him as lagging behind. There’s plenty of redshirting so he has friends who are a year older, but no one has suggested repeating K. Our district has a December 31 cutoff, which I think is crazy. Most fall birthdays, particularly boys, are red-shirted and I understand why. He definitely has behaviors that are not quite the norm, but I feel like the standards are so high!
Anon says
Oof yeah you were in a tough spot for the redshirting decision – I wouldn’t want to redshirt a kid born months before the cutoff either, but I also think a Dec. 31 cutoff is crazy and the vast majority of kids are not ready for K at 4.5. Even young 5 feels like it’s pushing it to me, with K being so much more like “real school” than it was a couple decades ago.
I think there’s a good chance things will improve soon. I saw a lot of improvement in emotional regulation in my kid between 5.5 and 6.
Anonymous says
Hi, I also have a 5 year old kindergarten boy turning 6 in August. First, any time we have a play date , kids are crying when things don’t go their way (boys, girls, everyone). I’m sure there is a spectrum but anecdotally the kindergarten music teacher mentioned recently that 1/4 of the class cried at different points in a recent class. My other observation (having had two kids) is that the other kids don’t really care what your kid does on the emotional regulation front until more like second grade if that. They might go okay somewhere else for a while if a kid is pestering them but are usually happy to play again the next day. My own kid who is currently in kindergarten also struggles with talking too loud etc and we are mostly just doing wait and see, although we did by his request put him in tae kwon do where self control is a major value.
Anon says
Is there any chance the volume and close talking are related to hearing difficulties?
OP says
I hadn’t thought of that and I suspect that’s not it, but I will definitely explore it! Thanks!
Anon says
Looking for biking with kids advice, and might post again tomorrow if I’m a little late to today’s game! I have a 1.5 and a 4 year old; both are tall for their ages. I have an older model RadWagon cargo e-bike and have seats for both of them on the back, but the wheel base is very high and I have a legitimate fear of toppling over when I’m stopped. I LOVE riding with a kid on my cargo bike because we can chat the whole 4 mile ride to daycare, but there are a few issues besides the high center of gravity: (1) my youngest is currently protesting the bike seat and we think it might be because the oldest gets to sit on a saddle instead of being strapped in, but it also could be because he’s in a fearful phase, and (2) this method of travel really requires the weather to be perfect, otherwise they’re exposed to a lot of weather (PNW so heat/cold/rain). Another point worth noting is that we are in an extremely hilly area and I can only reasonably expect to bike if I have an e-bike. Also we can’t tow a trailer with a cargo bike (manufacturer rules and bike design).
We’re considering other alternatives: Option 1: Get a new electric cargo bike ($3-4k) with a lower wheel base and hope that my youngest is up for it. We’d have to buy all the accessories again, which can really up the price, and this isn’t an all-weather option unless we also splurged on some kind of roof frame/shell. Option 2: Get a non-cargo e-bike with towing capability ($1.5k) and put the kids in the bike trailer, losing the ability to comfortably chat with them on the way there but gain the option of shoulder season bike commuting and using the bike after they’re too old to be biked around on mine. The downside to this is also that my oldest will likely outgrow the trailer when he’s 6ish though I’m not entirely sure when that happens. Option 3: Mega splurge on a front-cargo e-bike for like $7-8k+ once accessories are factored in, which is probably way more than we should realistically spend but it would be very very fun! Again, this is a huge and probably unnecessary amount to spend on a bike that would essentially act as our third vehicle though we can get a rainproof roof for the passenger part. It would be the most comfortable option for all of us, allow us to chat, has a low base, and our oldest might be able to fit into it until he is 8 or even 9, as long as he’s willing.
Ideally we’d get something used, but there aren’t many options on the market in our area so we’re trying to factor in potentially buying everything new. We live in a very bikeable area besides the big hills by our house, and all of the ride to work/school is on protected bikeways. Does anyone have experience with biking in different types of bikes as your kids get older? Am I crazy for even considering option 3??
Anonymous says
At what age are you expecting the oldest to start riding his own bike? The bike commute families at our day care had kids as young as 4 on their own bikes without training wheels. Certainly by 6 I would think he’d be riding solo. I can’t imagine that he will agree to ride on your bike or in a trailer much longer. It’s slow going with a little one on his own bike but that’s just the nature of the game. The bonus is that when you get the older one biking solo that enables you to put the little one on one of those little half-bike trailers when he is 3 or so.
Anonymous says
Oh, missed the part about the hills. I still don’t think riding around with two kids in a trailer or on your bike is going to be practical for much longer.
Anon says
Thanks, this is helpful. Older kid starts kindergarten a few blocks from our house in 1.5 years, at which point I will likely be only biking younger (who will likely not start kindergarten for another 4.5 years). I don’t think my four year old will mind being biked to daycare on my bike – he has enough 4-5 year old peers who are being biked by parents to school that it is normalized.
NYCer says
I have no experience biking with kids on the same bike as me, so take this with a grain of salt, but I cannot imagine my 9yo would have any interest in riding in a front cargo seat of an e-bike. I guess this is kid dependent, but definitely something to consider.
Anon says
This is valuable feedback.. thank you! I don’t know any 9 year olds… I saw a R*ddit comment about a bike I’m interested in that says their large 8 year old still fits comfortably along with a sibling in the front cargo, so I assumed age 8/9 but.. just because they CAN fit doesn’t mean they want to.
Former Junior Associate says
For what this is worth, I see more people on the cargo bike groups/forums (I’m in SF, with a pretty active local cargo biking community) saying that their kids have outgrown a front box bike and the parents are buying a longtail than vice versa. I’m not sure it’s a matter of strictly fitting as willingness to ride (or maybe ability to fit more than one person in the box).
Anon says
I’ve seen older kids on e-bikes with extended seat (like a bench) in the back. They’re somewhat popular around here and they look really nice to me. You can then use the bench for other things in the future, like strapping bags, and the bike doesn’t scream “cargo vehicle” the way the front-loaded ones do.
Anon says
Also, I wouldn’t buy any kind of roof rack. Instead I’d invest in PFAS-free rain gear for each kid.
Anon says
Thanks! This is what we have – the cargo E-Bike we currently have has an extended seat in the back and both kids fit on it. It’s just got a high wheel base compared with other brands, and therefore a high center of gravity. My research tells me these are more difficult to “drive” but they’re totally functional, like you said.
Anon says
You’re not crazy to go with option 3 (Option 2 is the crazy option – don’t do that)! I also wouldn’t worry about the toddler’s fears – I think that will be short lived, especially if your confidence is better on a new bike. (I built my confidence by starting my seat too low and slowly creeping it up to proper height, if that helps for right now). With heavy hills and good bike infrastructure you’ll be biking your kids around for awhile – get the good bike that makes it easy to use and the cost per mile will be very low quickly.
(Also, we have a Madsen – it’s got a great rain cover for the PNW and while a bucket may be a lot for 2 kids it’s great for ‘carpooling’ and groceries).
Anon says
Oh the Madsen looks nice!! How is the handling? This is an option I wasn’t aware of before – a bucket in the back!
Anon says
It’s great – much more like riding a regular bike than a front loader (honestly not much different than the Radrunner 2+ that we also have). I am not a sporty person and I have no problems managing it. The bucket looks wide but it’s no wider than the handlebars, so you fit fine in bike lanes. They have a map online where you can meet up with someone for a test drive. It’s my favorite possession.
Former Junior Associate says
Agree that Option 2 is the crazy option, but you might also consider hybridizing Options 1 and 3. I’m not sure what lower longtails you’re looking at in the price range you cite, but we have a Riese & Muller Multitinker (priced more like the box bike range you cite) that we love. When we bought it, we seriously considered a Tern GSD (I think we would have been really happy with it) and the Urban Arrow front box (I HATED the experience of riding a box bike). I recommend test riding if possible–I hated the box bike and liked the longtails but others feel oppositely–and also suspect you could pick up a used GSD if that was interesting to you. I see them with some regularity on Facebook in one of the local family biking groups.
Anonymous says
We own a Radwagon. It’s a great ebike! For me the core issue isn’t the kids: the core issue is the bike is simply too big for me (I’m 5’3”). So I guess I’m giving you permission to spend whatever amount on an ebike that you can actually transport your kids on.
Spirograph says
TL/DR: I would strongly consider option 3 with the raincover for passengers. If you’re confident you’ll use it in most weather conditions for daily daycare transport and other quick local trips, 7-8k is not insane. I’d look at secondhand options first, for sure.
I have no first-hand experience with cargo bikes or ebikes, but a few disorganized thoughts:
– Those front cargo ebikes look amazing, there are a couple in my neighborhood and the families use them as their second car — they’re out in all weather with the rainproof passenger cover! The kids look to all be pre-k age, up to maybe 7.
– I saw a 9 year old getting picked up in a regular Burley trailer from my daughter’s ballet school earlier this week and asked my daughter (also 9) if she’d be OK if I picked her up with the bike trailer. She said she’d see if she fits, so based on total anecdata I think there’s a reasonable chance you can get use out of a kid-hauling contraption til mid-elementary school. :)
– My kids are tall, and by the time the oldest was about 5, he did not fit comfortably in our Burley double trailer with a younger sibling IF both were wearing bike helmets.
– All three of my kids ride their own bikes to school (about a mile), or when we go to the downtown area as a family on weekends (about 3.5 miles) and we’ve been doing that since the youngest was 5.5. The route is medium-hilly. It takes about 50% longer than I can do either ride on my own, but I just plan for that.
– Towing 60 lbs worth of kids uphill on a regular bike is HARD. I mostly used the trailer for nice flat bike trails, or quick trips to the playground.
– We also have a trail-along and the kids liked that until they were about 6-7 (we used it for longer bike rides and kids could swap between resting on the trailer and riding a solo bike). Do not be fooled by the pedals, it’s basically the same, effort-wise, as pulling a trailer. And it takes more energy than I would have expected to maintain balance with a wiggly kid behind you.
Anon says
my twins received necklaces from a company Charm It for their 6th birthday and it really was a great gift. the charms are easy to put on/take off. thought i would share if anyone is looking for a gift idea.
Anon says
That looks super cute! I’m not familiar with that company but I got my 6 year old daughter a charm bracelet when I went on a recent girls’ trip and she loved it and told me she wants to bring her friends charm bracelets from our summer travels.
Anonymous says
My daughter has one of these and she gets charms to celebrate various events and achievements. They are so cute.
Lily says
I recently got one of those for each of my daughters and I can’t wait to order more of the charms for various milestones coming up! They’re so cute! And so affordable (like $6 per charm).
Anonymous says
My husband has a big work event that will be Sunday afternoon, all day Monday and all day Tuesday. He will be staying in a hotel downtown (even though we live about 30 minutes from downtown) just because this event has lots of late night networking and breakfast meetings at 7 am, and it’s what his company always does for this event. I’m OK with it, we knew this was coming, etc. But my question for you all is: would I be a huge brat if I made him come home on Monday night to take the trash out? For context: (1) trash is his main designated chore, (2) I am pregnant and exhausted, and (3) he was also out of town last Monday so I had to do it alone and I hated it. I know, even as I type it out, that it’s silly and I should suck it up. But I’m grumpy about it.
anon says
Um, you asked, so I’m going to say yes. It sucks to be pregnant and exhausted, but it’s 5 minutes out of your life, as opposed to a one-hour round trip, minimum for your husband.
Anon says
+1
A quick and easy chore vs an hour round trip? Easy decision.
NYCer says
+2. Try to imagine if the roles were flipped, and he asked you to drive home to do a 5 minute task. I know that I would be annoyed if my husband asked me to do something like that.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Do you have a neighbor you can ask to help you out here? If it’s just the trash, then much easier to get a neighbor than have your husband come all the way home.
Anonymous says
Yes, that request sounds ridiculous to me. Those types of events are always so exhausting for me (and I’m an extrovert!) adding an hour round trip for such a minor reason would really, really annoy me.
Could he put the trash out on the curb Sunday before he leaves? Or at least empty all trash in the house into the outdoor trash can before he leaves s all he has to do is take it to the curb? Or if you really can’t stand to take the trash out this time, just skip trash day this week?
I grew up in a family where everyone did every chore and my family is the same way now. Honestly, I side eye moms who don’t shovel or mow or take out trash or climb up on a ladder just as much as I side eye dads who don’t cook or clean or refer to spending time with their kids as “babysitting”.
Anon says
Yeah, it is silly. He can probably take it out Sunday before he leaves though.
Anon says
Can you imagine the reaction here if a man asked his wife to come home during an event to do a chore? Heads would rightfully roll. So, in the interest of fairness, yes this is an absurd request.
Anonymous says
This cannot be for real.
Anon says
I really, truly hope it’s not.
Anon says
Agree with everyone else that this is pretty absurd. It takes less than a minute to wheel a trash can out to the curb. He can empty the bins in your house right before he leaves.
But maybe a bigger issue is that his “main designated chore” takes a few minutes per week. You need to find other things for him to do around the house, stat!
Anon says
So my spouse and I never hold work or critical family travel against each other – meaning that someone doesn’t need to “pick up slack” to prepare pre-travel or upon their return. Work at home and at work is equally valued on our family and we’re on the same team for all things so if I’m traveling for work and he’s covering down at home it’s “equal”. I don’t need to do more chores or childcare when I get back to compensate for being gone. I know a LOT of families don’t operate this way but this is the only thing that feels fair to us.
So – I think this is a ridiculous request.
Anon says
I think this approach works well if you travel a similar amount. But as someone who never travels for work and has a spouse who travels quite a bit (a half dozen or so week-long trips a year), this approach would not feel fair to me. The person at home is working and taking care of the kids, pets and house, while the person on the trip is only working. It’s not a vacation, but they still have a much lighter load. If one person does the bulk of the travel, it can feel really unbalanced, especially if you have young children who require more active parenting.
That said, I agree OP’s request is ridiculous.
Anon says
That’s true, I travel more (but my trips are usually one, occasionally two nights) but my husband is more likely to work late and miss dinner or bedtime, so it all comes out in the wash for us.
Anon says
+1 – DH works in BigLaw and travels a ton and we take this approach. Yes, he’s “only” working while I’m working my big-but-not-Big-Law job, taking care of kids, our dog, and managing the household generally…but we have help (hired + family) and outsource a ton. The reason we can throw money at hired help and outsource is in large part because of our HHI, of which his income is the huge driver.
I can’t imagine DH spending his time between work and trips cleaning the bathrooms vs. spending quality time with us (and the same applies to me). Again, I know this doesn’t work for a lot of people here but it feels fair for us.
Anon says
I don’t know what annoys me more – men who don’t do “women’s chores” or women who don’t do “men’s chores”. Families are teams – everyone should be equally willing and passably capable of cooking, cleaning, and raising kids as they are of yard work, repairs, and taking out trash…
Anon says
I have a friend who is a bit of a princess and her husband does ALL of the yard work and is the only one who takes out the trash. I used to wonder what she did when he’s out of town but I guess I found the answer…
GCA says
If your trash can isn’t full, just skip putting it out this week.
Anon says
+1 if you live in suburbia you can probably go two weeks in between trash collection. Our outdoor trash cans are huge and it takes a while to fill them up.
Anon says
Plus you can always go to Home Depot and grab another can if needed.
Anon says
That takes WAY more time than just taking out the trash though! Unless there’s something really complicated about her trash situation that I’m not understanding, I don’t see how this could take more than a couple minutes.
Anon says
Oh totally agree. I think the whole question is absurd! But this is a viable, albeit over the top, alternative.
Anon says
I don’t think anyone likes taking the trash out. If he can do it ~50 weeks a year, you can do it two weeks a year!
Anon says
Why can’t he take it out before he leaves?
Anon says
In my city they have the right to fine you if it’s out on the curb before 8 pm the day before trash collection. In practice I’ve never heard of anyone getting a fine though.
Anon says
Yeah I’m sure most places have some sort of regulation on this (though 8pm is late!) but I’m sure the occasional 2pm instead of 8pm would be fine in most areas.
If I were her husband I’d much rather pay the fine than drive home to take out the trash!
Anon says
It sounds like the trash is supposed to be taken out Monday night for collection on Tuesday and he’d have to take it out on Sunday morning if he did it before he left, so that’s pretty far in advance, but yeah you can probably still get away with it.
Anon says
Ha, where I live you can’t put it out before 4am the morning of collection day. But we have a bear problem.
Anonymous says
Yes, it’s absurd to make him come home.
I will admit to not always taking out the trash when my husband is out of town though. We can skip one trash collection pretty easily. I do have to take out the recycling, since our bin for that is smaller and we seem to generate a lot more of it (all those milk and fruit containers…thanks kids!)
Anonymous says
Yes omg cannot believe you’d even consider this