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Anon says
The thread over on the main page about nephews not saying thank you for $20,000 in a college fund has me flabbergasted. Just…wow. I think I just re-committed to the concept of teaching my kid thank you notes.
Cb says
Right? We tend to do a thank you video or text because it’s my husband’s family and I’ve given up trying to micromanage this process, but, my goodness…
Anon says
Yah, yikes! Also to having my kids practice opening gifts in person and expressing thanks on the spot, then following with a thank you note. Two skill sets of appreciating generosity in the moment (even if it’s a surprising or disappointing gift) and then reflecting on the generosity more fully
Anon says
This is the way. And you’re absolutely right that it’s a skill that needs to be taught, not something kids are born knowing.
Anon says
we haven’t really had occasion to do this because most of our family is not local but i remember once as a kid opening a bday gift at a family party and expressing my disappointment and my mom pulling me into a room to tell me that it was ok to be disappointed, but that i should say thank you in the moment and she can help me figure out what to do with the gift later.
that being said – sometimes we have opened gifts in front of grandparents and say thank you, but have never then sent a thank you note. should we start doing that? I think my dad would tell me i it is a waste of postage (though perhaps this is why the usps is struggling so much, no one writes thank you notes!)
Anon says
This is fresh in my mind because my son had a first communion party this weekend, opened the gifts in front of all the guests, and now we are moving to thank you notes. For birthdays and events that celebrate one kid, we always do it this way. For big holidays like Christmas, if we open in person we often will not follow up with a thank you note, because it’s just so much and we’ve given as well as received. If we opened a gift when the giver isn’t there, I will usually have my kids send a note.
The rules are a little gray…sometimes we send to grandparents and the older generation regardless, especially if it’s a truly special Christmas gift, but will skip cousins because we have agreed with our siblings to let the formal notes go for X event. But I figure if we are doing the “double thank you” method at least half the time, they are learning. (And my kids are little, 8 and under. Maybe when they become teens we’ll start doing notes for bigger holidays too!)
Anon says
i’m that mom who makes my K aged kids write thank you notes for gifts they receive for their birthday party. even though this year we have yet to receive one thank you note for any party we’ve attended so far this school year. We do the fill in the blank ones since we are still learning to write. I will admit I am not great about the kids sending thank you notes to relatives for holiday gifts, though I always send an email or text.
Spirograph says
I’m that mom, too. It’s about 50/50 whether we get thank you gifts from other friends’ parties, and sometimes they just say “thank you for the gift and for coming to my party.” But that’s a step in the right direction and I have all the empathy for parents who didn’t keep track of who gave which of the 20 gifts at a larger party.
Now, I usually write out a template for my kids to copy to help with spelling, but when they were K and younger, I would take dictation for a couple sentences, and then the kid would just write “thank you, love [name]” and draw a picture.
Mary Moo Cow says
I’m also that mom. I don’t expect it from other families, but I absolutely expect it from my own family (and I write my own notes so they see me doing it, too.)
Spirograph says
Oh my goodness, I would be mortified. I already force my kids to write thank you notes for all christmas and birthday presents, but I just realized I’ve been a little lax on the random homemade clothes my sister sends (usually I just text her a thank you with a picture of the kids wearing her creations). Re-committed here, too!
Once when I was a teenager, my aunt sent me a (modest, nothing like $20k) gift and I didn’t send a thank you note… she called a couple weeks later to ask whether I’d received it. and I was so ashamed. I stammered something about maybe it got lost in the mail that I’m sure she didn’t believe, and wrote one as soon as I got off the phone. I don’t think I’ve ever missed a think you note since then.
Anon says
I haven’t read the thread – and likely won’t – a lot of the main page is starkly different culturally (and less accepting, unlike this page) than what I’m used to.
I love a good thank you note (sending, receiving, all of it), but also it’s just not a thing in my culture/parents’ country of origin. Expressing gratitude is – you definitely acknowledge and say thank you, and there are other ways of showing respect, with a big focus of doing so to elders. Just putting this out here for perspective.
Anon says
I think the issue is that they didn’t express gratitude. It doesn’t sound like OP expected a written note.
Anon says
A 20K gift requires a LOT of gratitude. In person in the moment plus a note, a least. And if a kid isn’t in the habit of writing thank you notes, or even knows that they’re a thing, they won’t do it, which is why you start younger and for smaller things.
I get that it’s a gift and gifts should be no-strings, not place a burden on the recipient, etc etc, but a gift of this size requires more than common courtesy, IMO. Part of the issue is the young adults don’t seem accustomed to being appreciative.
anon says
Even in the US, traditionally it wasn’t required to send notes if you opened a gift and expressed gratitude in person. A lot of people do send notes even in that case now, but personally what matters to me is an authentic expression of gratitude, not the form in which that comes. Unfortunately for the OP of that thread, it sounds like her gift barely got acknowledged (and no gratitude was expressed).
Anon says
Okay this was flabbergasting. My kids are very good at expressing thanks to family and we usually do video calls when opening gifts.
But on the kids writing thank you notes to other kids…
I literally throw them out when we receive them before even opening or showing to my kids to whom they are addressed. Said kid has never been excited to receive one of these. I know it’s a generic note and I go through the mail by the trash can and we have a lot of paper in our house. I always always specify no gifts on invitations because it is so hard to supervise kids writing thank you notes to every classmate. We’ve done it a couple times and it was a huge time suck and very stressful. Then I have to go buy stamps and look up addresses and remember to mail them from my office. I have four kids ages 8 and under and this is the thing we don’t have time for. I really wish thank you notes for friends would just not be a thing anymore. My kids are genuinely grateful for things! We remind them who presents are from. They will express thanks every time they wear a certain costume or play with a toy. I will send pics! But writing thank you notes, please no!
Anon says
A kid writing a thank-you note to another kid for a new basketball at a birthday party is one thing – but the post over there is about a trust fund from seemingly close relatives!
earlier poster says
Oh i know that – was more responding to all the comments!
earlier poster says
To be clear, the nephew not expressing thanks was flabbergasting! I’d be livid as a parent.
But it also sounds like I’m an outlier on having my 4, 7 and 8 year olds write classmate thank yous. Maybe someday if I quit my job…
Spirograph says
I don’t think there’s an expectation, at least within my social circle, that kids should send thank you notes to other kids. My kids love getting mail of any sort and appreciate them (even if they’re just passed along at school), but I don’t think less of anyone for not sending them out, exactly for the reason you say — it’s a big mental load and time suck on the parents. That said, I still don’t allow my kids to use “other kids don’t always send them!” as an excuse not to write their own thank you notes to friends. For me, it’s more for repetition and practice than because I think etiquette requires them. We had no-gift parties when my kids were younger and the whole class was invited. Now their parties top out around 6 people, which is a manageable number of thank you notes for me to supervise.
Anon says
Agreed. I’ve commented a couple times up above and am with you that teaching this skill takes consistency and repetition. Writing a note trains a kid to think longer and — eventually — more deeply about the gift. I also scribe for my young kids, but by about 1st/2nd grade they write themselves. And we’ve never had a full class party, partly for this reason! Part of the skill is realizing that if you want gifts from tons of people, you need to put in the effort to properly appreciate them
GCA says
I agree. Thank you notes are a skill to scaffold and strengthen with practice. You give them a template when they’re 6 and remind them when they’re 9 so they write their own when they’re 18. I don’t think a written thank-you note is always necessary (but gratitude is non-negotiable!), but more communication makes the world a kinder, better place.
there's a gender thing here too says
One more thought here: for all those who are pro thank you notes and not just video or calls of thanks or thanking in person – is it the mom or dad who is writing the template, addressing and mailing these? If there are dads doing this, that’s one thing, but this feels like just another task that moms are expected to do amidst all the other things on our plates. So when I give gifts I always write in the note, no thank you note needed too. I want to break this cycle. DH did half the thank yous for our wedding gifts, but every wedding or baby gift thank you I’ve ever gotten was from the woman too.
Vicky Austin says
I make DH do it because it matters to him more.
Clementine says
I make my husband manage that because 1. His family gets sassy about it, mine is quite happy with a random piece of kid art or photo of the kid using the gift texted to them. and 2. When I write thank you notes? Nobody notices. When my HUSBAND writes them? He has gotten thank you notes for the thank you notes.
Anon says
I was always taught that if you open the gift in front of the guest you don’t need a thank you note. For kids, my preference would be opening presents at the party and no thank you notes. Unfortunately in my area, opening presents at the party is not done (most venues don’t even allow it) so I make my kids write thank you notes. I don’t care if people throw them in the trash, they’re meant to teach my kids about gratitude and politeness. No gifts is an option if they don’t want to do thank you notes, but so far they’ve always picked gifts and thank you notes.
There is a gender component to it, but I was raised with a culture of gifts and thank you cards and my husband was not (I had to nag him into doing a thank you note when an uncle sent him a very generous sum of money a few years back) so I’ve just accepted that if I want to continue this practice that I see as important, it will be on me. He pulls his weight in many other ways.
Anon says
You really throw out handwritten mail without even opening? I don’t think you have any obligation to make your kids write thank you notes for bday presents, but it’s so strange to me to see a personal handwritten envelope from a friend and just toss it in the trash. Personally, I’ve been wrong in the past about what some of my mail contains and what I’ve thought is a thank you was actually a card for something else. And also, my kids are happy to receive thank you’s from their friends! (Maybe your kids will too!) It’s nice to have friends write you and it’s nice to feel appreciated and I think it helps kids learn the joy of giving. That said, again, no need to write them if you don’t have the bandwidth, but you might want to spare the 15 seconds it takes to open and read.
Anon says
Yeah, this is super weird to me. Skipping thank you notes for kid parties is totally normal, we don’t receive them for 90%+ of the parties we attend and I don’t care. But I think it’s weird to throw out a note without letting your kid even look at it – mine LOVES receiving anything with her name on it.
Anon says
I don’t understand why other parents are sending the thank you notes for their kids. The whole point is teaching kids to send notes (that includes tracking down addresses, stamps, and when I was a kid it included walking down to the post office box, though maybe that’s outdated now). Doing it for them when they’re too young doesn’t make sense to me… they need to express thanks in a form they’re old enough to do (like with the video calls). I think your way makes much more sense!
Anon says
If it’s a class party you don’t need addresses or stamps, the kid takes the notes to school and hands them out there. I think it’s perfectly age appropriate even if pre-K and K kids need some help with the writing.
Anon says
my kids on the other hand are sooo excited to receive thank you notes. i have 6 year old twins. when they receive one note for both of them they fight over them
Anonymous says
Culture can vary on this immensely. I’ve only seen written mailed thank you notes for weddings and baby or bridal showers or graduation gifts or large gifts like the $20K.
Probably to the horror of many here, we do emailed thank yous for birthday gifts or a post in the event page. I’ve never received a written mailed thank you note for a child’s birthday gift in the last 15 years.
Even my 80 year old who is normally very big on good manners has switched to email thank you notes.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Same. For the original post this is about – yes, a thank you of some sort is warranted. We did thank you cards for our wedding because people came all the way out and gave gifts. I’ve never had my kids do a written thank you for friends’ birthday gifts. I would say I’ve received a thank you card maybe a handful of times in our many years of going to bday parties. I don’t think it’s expected here. And yeah, I don’t want another thing on my list to make my kid do. Grandparents get thank yous in the form of a verbal one when they see them in person or on video, or a pic of the kid with the present.
Momofthree says
Overall, my goal is for my kids to show appreciation and recognition of gifts.
For relatives, if the person is there with you when opening or you facetime them after to thank them, that is fine. When I was a kid, my grandparents would send gifts so I would write a note in return.
For large occasions like weddings or bar mitzvahs or first communion or graduation, I would expect a written thank you, especially b/c you aren’t going to see every individual in person.
Part of the reasoning behind sending thank yous for birthdays is so that your kid is ready to write thank yous for the big things, so I try to have them write thank yous when possible/ applicable, but also try to maintain a balance.
Anon says
We do thank you notes for holiday/birthday gifts! My daughter is 2, I write a nice note and have her scribble on the note in crayon. Good practice for when she can write her own thank you notes when she is older :)
Anonymous says
Ha, I’m the OP of the thread on the main page and appreciate the validation that it’s not wildly out of line to be annoyed here. We also have kids (tween/teen) and have always had them write thank you cards both as handwriting practice and also to teach them to recognize that time, money, and effort went into someone sending you a gift and that it’s rude not to recognize and acknowledge that.
The speculation is also wild to me – these trusts were set up to be a nice surprise and there are truly no strings attached! The young adults need to do the paperwork to take over the trust, but that’s because they’re over 21 and we’re not the owners of the trust once they are of age. It’s like a 401k once you leave your job, the money is yours but your old job can’t do the paperwork to roll it over for you.
Anonymous says
How long ago did all this happen? Do they understand that they ‘have’ the money now or are they expecting that the financial advisor hands then a check or something? I would have had no clue how it worked at that age.
Obviously there should have been a verbal thank you immediately when you told them but I would associate the written thank you note with when the trust transfer is complete. When they have the money. Like how you send a written thank you note after you have received and opened the gift, not when the person mails it to you.
It doesn’t sound like they’ll be sending a note so it’s more academic as to when the appropriate time is for the written thank you when it’s a financial as opposed to physical gift.
Anonymous says
I agree on the timeline–profuse verbal thanks in person when the gift is announced, then a written thank-you once the money is actually received.
Anon says
I would expect my kid to say thank you for sure, and would be mortified if I found out my own child didn’t. But I did think there were some thoughtful responses on the main page about how the kids might be overwhelmed by the amount of the gift and/or uncomfortable receiving this kind of money from extended family when their own parents clearly can’t afford it. Several people pointed out that the kids may also be used to their parents turning down gifts or taking monetary gifts intended for the kids (which is common in some families) and so they may not really believe it’s “real.” It doesn’t mean the OP isn’t justified in being hurt and annoyed about their response, I think her feelings are totally valid, but I also think if the kids are otherwise not selfish greedy monsters it’s worth thinking about why they might be reacting this way.
Batgirl says
Trigger warning for weight talk: I’ve been struggling with weight gain and was hoping for your experiences with weight loss injectable medications (zepbound, ozempic, etc). I only gained 25lb with my last pregnancy but immediately went on zoloft for postpartum depression and not only didn’t lose the baby weight but added another 10 on top of it – so a cumulative gain of about 20 lb (once you subtract the baby’s weight, etc). Then I got hit with surgical menopause at the same time, and even though I’ve been off the meds for a year, I can’t seem to lose any of this weight. We’re dealing with a lot of medical issues with our kids right now, and I can’t focus on a major fitness/diet overhaul, but I wondered if these meds might help since I gained the weight through a medication (as opposed to a change in diet/exercise). I know no one can tell me how I’d react, but I’d love to hear your experiences with these meds as well as whether you were able to find them at a decent price. Thank you!
Anonymous says
So a lot to unpack here, but the meds can actually help anyone. You don’t need to justify your size now or explain the reasons why you gained weight or clarify it wasn’t just eating. They work by helping you to feel full sooner. With a lower level of hunger, you’ll likely eat less and have an easier time making healthy choices. The cost is what it is. If you qualify for insurance coverage it should be manageable.
OP says
Thank you, I appreciate that. I should clarify that I mention the reasons why I gained it not to place shame on anyone who gained it differently but as a way to ask if it seems like I’d be able to keep it off once I stopped the meds (given how I gained it). Of course, I didn’t actually say that! Don’t want to suggest there should be shame in either scenario.
And I ask about cost because I know there are discount cards available and medspas offer compounds at lower prices, but I’m not familiar with how that works or if they are safe alternatives. Thank you!
Anon says
i am not against these medications and think they are wonderful when prescribed by the right profesionals for the right reasons. personally and neither would any of my medical friends take compound medications offered through med spas. to me the risks outweigh the benefits. it is also important to have a doctor prescribe who is aware of and tracking any other medications you take and your other health issues. it is unfortunate that in our medical system we have to be our own advocates, but too often one doctor will suggest something to fix one condition that can exacerbate another
OP says
Thank you! I actually had my GP prescribe it but I’m concerned about cost because my insurance probably won’t cover it.
Anon says
“The meds can actually help anyone” —- um, what? Are you a doctor? Actual doctors aren’t like “meds for everyone!” It’s a case by case basis based on medical history.
Anonymous says
I think this may be an even dirtier word than Ozempic, but I lost 20 pounds over 3.5 months with Phentermine, diet, and exercise. Phentermine is in plentiful supply and is about $30/month. Doctors won’t prescribe more than a 3 month course, but it is enough to kickstart habit changes. Like all prescriptions, you have to continue to eat less once you go off it to maintain weight loss.
Anon says
First of all, it sounds like you have a lot going on – wishing you and your family well.
I can comment on zoloft – I was on a generic version, very low dose of this for about 1.5-2 years PP. And I lost 0 weight after weaning. Nothing would move the dial. Once I dropped the meds (and felt better generally to do so), the weight started slowly coming off. I don’t know if it was placebo effect or what.
I can also comment on DH’s experience with injectables. He got a rx from a weight loss center (yes, I know, but it is what it is), after several years of no major movement with exercise, diet, and lots of long hours at work, stress, and trauma. He’s lost about ~20 lbs since Feb – so not like anything massive monthly – and I know it’s been so good for his mental health/how he feels. They recently upped his dosage and it’s been making him feel a bit more queasy, so he plans to address that at his next visit. His goal was to assess and hopefully go off the meds at 6-7 months, and we’re almost there.
OP says
Thank you. <3 This is helpful!
Momofthree says
Not saying don’t do the injectables, but if you think the weight gain may be due to insulin resistance, I’d also encourage you to do some testing to see if it could be insulin resistance (or if you’re prediabetic). If so, you could consider going on metformin. That aided me in losing a significant amount of weight when I was younger & is often prescribed for people with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). It’s not going to have the same quick results as injectables, but it’s a pill & generic, so will be much less costly.
Anonymous says
I’m actually very pro Ozempic. Two of my friends are on it. It’s expensive and some of the side effects can be uncomfortable. But my friends were not going to lose weight otherwise: they’ve both been trying for years. Why not try it? If it’s not for you then at least you’ll know.
Anon says
+1 – I’m the Anon at 11:46 and this was DH’s experience exactly.
Anonymous says
If you’re not still gaining and only at a cumulative gain of 20 lb, I would be inclined to do an hour consult with a registered dietician to see if there any easy swaps to your current eating that you can easily make. Might be less logistics compared to tracking down the prescription and appointments to readjust dosage etc. For a larger amount, medication might be a better option for you.
When I was trying to get back to a more comfortable size after a super stressful period at home and work, I chatted with a dietician and figured out where the easy changes were. For me it was the constantly snacking on cheese (because dairy was calcium and healthy) without thinking about amount or calories. It started with stress eating in response to work stuff and I never stopped the habit when work improved. I switched up my evening snack and switched out my default office snacks. That change alone was enough to make a slow but steady difference. I also learned to feel better in my body by walking more at work. Parking a little further away, taking the stairs etc. Being too sedentary always makes me feel awful regardless of the number on the scale.
But no reason not to use the medication if you feel that’s the better option for you at this point. It’s a tool in the toolbox of health supports.
Anon says
I agree with this. I’m pro-medication for anyone who needs it, but they do come with side effects and they can be hard to obtain. I’d consider whether there are other tweaks to make first.
Anon says
I would try losing weight without these drugs first. I’ve heard they work but the nausea can be incapacitating. A recent WSJ article talked about how the side affects are played down by influencers and other people in the public eye. And once you go off, you gain the weight back.
I was able to lose 50 pounds after my last baby with a calorie counter app and moderate amounts of exercise (often walks). It’s so empowering and eye-opening to have data on portion control and more visibility into where you can make changes at the right level needed.
I used the Lose It app and chose the relaxed weekender program. There’s so many opinions about weight loss, but I chose this route after reading a book by a dietician who recommended tracking calories with an app. The idea is you learn portion control and lean into filling but lower calorie options.
Anon says
These drugs are designed to treat obesity, not help a woman lose 20 pounds of baby weight. Just give yourself grace and focus on weight loss (diet/exercise) when you have time and your life is less overwhelming. Positive changes in eating and exercise could also help ease your depression too.
Anon says
I need online brain candy, any suggestions? I do a lot of contract editing/revising, and frequently need to take short breaks from reading dense text by reading lighter materials. I used to rely heavily on this and the main page, but have found the main page to be depressingly and increasingly non-inclusive of tr@ns women, and this page takes forever for comments to post, so it doesn’t move as fast. I like reading first person perspectives, and would prefer to avoid hot button issues or topics in the news. This is purely reading for fun, ideally short stories or perspectives from individuals.
Anonymous says
BBC News page often has some fun human interest stories and might be a good fit.
Or travel magazine if you enjoy reading about travel
New Here says
I like Money Diaries on Refinery29 and Grocery Diaries on The Kitchn when I need a break.
Spirograph says
This is not what you asked for at all in terms of content, but other than here, my favorite brain candy when I need a quick break from work is GoFugYourself.
DLC says
I like getting magazines on Libby.
I also read go fug yourself, Ask A Manager (but that’s a bit of a poocorn eating guiltybpleasure for me.) I also still follow and comment on old school blogs- not the professional mommy/ lifestyle blogs or anything but personal blogs where people write about any old thing going on i. Their lives..
Anon says
These are all GREAT suggestions — thank you to everyone who replied!! Libby and Go Fug Yourself are great options. Will check out the Money/Grocery Diaries, and I also just activated a referral subscription to Outside Magazine – good stuff there. I forgot about Ask a Manager, and share the popcorn eating, guilty pleasure feel.
And YES to old school blogs — not influencers, not lifestyle, not showcasing a perfect house or life or kids just people writing about their lives. I used to follow a ton (Amalah, Woulda Shoulda Coulda, etc.), but all of my faves are no longer updated. Any recommendations?
Anon says
I’m a fan of Lainey Gossip.
Anonymous says
Really? I find her so boring these days.
An.On. says
I like browsing The Guardian’s “Experience” columns, which are first person perspectives of people in unusual but still sometimes mundane situations: the mailman in Antarctica, owner of world’s oldest cat, attacked by bear while running a marathon, can only paint while sleeping, etc. They’re pretty light in tone, and less than 5 minutes read each.
anon says
I love House and Garden UK. Since there’s no way I’m ever going to have a mansion with garden in the English countryside, it’s pure eye candy.
Teacher Appreciation Gift says
I always give cash for the holidays/ teacher appreciation week. My son just moved up to a new preschool class about a month ago. I want to give his previous teacher and current 2 teachers a gift, but because there are 3 people to gift now, it’s getting expensive. Is it unreasonable to give them a little less cash so they each get something? It would be something more like $40 each instead of $50 if it were just the 2. He’s 3.5 and just moved to the pre-k prep class from the 3-3.5yo class
Anon says
Totally fine! It will be appreciated.