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Building a maternity wardrobe for work? Check out our page with more suggestions along both classic and trendy/seasonal lines.
Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
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Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Ifiknew says
Are there good sticker books or sticker activity things for 3 year Olds?
Cb says
My son likes the Water Wow books and the Melissa and Doug sticker books. He doesn’t really do the activities but he likes to move the stickers around. Also the wimmelbooks are really good for keeping kids interested. No stickers but lots to look at.
Anonymous says
https://bookshop.org/books/stickyscapes-at-the-museum/9781780679723
Stickyscapes are absolutely beautiful sticker books.
Anon says
Do you have any of the Melissa & Doug reusable sticker books? Those are good. They have scenes where the kids can put the stickers so it gives them something to “do” with the stickers (rather than just a big book of stickers without anywhere to put them but your furniture); and there aren’t words or instructions they are supposed to follow (but 3 is too young to) like in some other sticker activity books. The reusable part about it is nice too.
Realist says
+1
Ms B says
+2. We bought all of these and The Kid loved them for home play as well as plane trips. The Eric Carle Very Hungry Caterpillar sticker book was a big hit.
Also, in this vein, the M&D magnet sets (dinos, animals) were a big hit at that age. If you do not have a fridge that is magnetic (or want to avoid scratches), you can find a suitable cookie sheet at Target, etc. Hours of fun!
Anonymous says
I have sticker books from Ooly that I love for my little one. Beautiful designs and the stickers are pretty durable.
Anon says
Giggles and Pebbles magic sticker pad. Way better than the Melissa and Doug ones, in my opinion, because the “stickers” are thicker cut vinyl and easier for little hands to handle, peel, not crumple, etc. We have both, and the GP one requires a lot less parental assistance.
Anon says
I don’t have the GP one but I agree the Melissa and Doug ones are not that great. My 2 year old can generally handle stickers fine, but she has trouble with these and they are very flimsy – some of them have ripped in half. I have been underwhelmed by M&D toys in general, which I know is an unpopular opinion.
Anonanonanon says
This is good to know! I ordered 3 Melissa and Doug ones a while ago after reading about them here, and I can barely get them to stay on the page. I keep finding tiny stickers all over now, too. I was not very impressed.
Realist says
At that age, my child enjoyed the “make a face” sticker pad from Melissa & Doug. But for independent play, the reusable sticker scenes are better, since some help is usually needed for the sticker book activities.
Eek says
How was everyone’s Mothers Day? I thought I’d communicated what I wanted to do, which was catch up on some overdue work and spend some time at the park as a family. Instead my husband decided to surprise me with a complicated dinner that required me to watch the kids all the afternoon while he was in the kitchen cooking.
I know he meant well and I feel super guilty today for telling him afterwards that it wasn’t what I wanted – I could tell it hurt his feelings. Plus he remembered Mother’s Day and made really nice dinner and did the dishes, like always, and was awesome all day. I hate that I couldn’t just be happy and grateful. Ugh!
Anonymous says
Nah no guilt. His “gift” was not great and it’s okay for him to know that.
rakma says
It was–weird. I ended up grocery shopping and meal prepping for the week, when DH was really trying to get me to ‘sit down with my feet up’. I just knew that if I did, I’d start the week off on the wrong foot. He did help with the meal prepping, and the kids each made me a cup of coffee in the morning, so there were good moments.
DD1’s teacher sent one of those cute questionnaires home last week, and DH did that with the girls on Friday, that was actually my favorite Mother’s Day thing this year.
Anon says
Sorry! I can see how he thought it was super nice to do. Maybe he underestimated how complicated it was. But honestly yes, I would rather have been the one making the super complicated meal vs. the kid watching (or neither, take out!).
My husband got me an Insta Pot (or at least, a print out of the Insta Pot that is on it’s way) and I’d be lying if my first thoughts weren’t, ugh, where are we going to keep it? And, ugh, one more thing to figure out…But the idea grew on me throughout the day, and now I also feel a little bad I wasn’t more excited when I saw it.
Realist says
I love my Instant Pot! We use it nearly everyday. Worth finding the space for it, which is the thing that kept me from getting one for a long time.
Anon says
Thanks! We don’t have air conditioning, which can make cooking dinner in warmer times a challenge. Is it fair to think the Instant Pot might be helpful for that? i.e. might not heat up the house as much as having the oven on does?
DLC says
Yes! Our Instapot sits on our counter permanently and we use it three or four times a week. I will say the food is never as good as on the stove/ oven, but it makes up for that in the ease and convenience of use and clean up. Some recipes has you sauté in the pot which does make a bit of heat, but once you get the pressure cooking foun it’s very self contained.
AnonLaywer says
Yep! My cousin even puts hers out on the porch sometimes in the summer.
Anon says
It was okay. It was my daughter’s birthday so I spent most of my day making her birthday special (while quarantined). I loved seeing her excitement and had a great day, but it’s a bit of a bummer that we skipped most mother’s day festivities.
My kids did paint a pot and plant and once Gerber daisy with DH’s help. It was very sweet.
Anon says
I’m sorry it was disappointing. My husband did nothing, which isn’t his fault, since I didn’t communicate what I wanted. My birthday was Saturday so some of the traditional mother’s day stuff like flowers would be redundant since I got flowers for my birthday too. And we ate a big takeout dinner on Saturday so I didn’t feel like a big fancy brunch the next day. But the upside is my parents arrived for a visit yesterday afternoon. Getting to speak to adults who are not my husband and getting some relief on the childcare front was the best gift I could have asked for.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I watched This is Us by myself in the bedroom for most of the day, with wine, while my husband and parents watched the kids throughout the day. Not worrying about the grind of childcare and housecare, especially now, is the best gift ever.
anonn says
your Mother’s Day wins!
anne-on says
Solidarity. My husband was oddly pushy about trying to get me to ‘get a workout in, it’ll make you feel better!’ (workout in our garage with our cardio equipment and weights). I finally shut that down after the 3rd offer. Normally workouts DO help me de-stress, but I have my period, I feel achy and gross, and I have to clean and do laundry. Just let me sleep in and chill out for an hour or so in peace dude. Ordering in dinner was nice – they gave us a TON of food and we now have lunch and dinner today taken care of. I also secluded myself in my office to watch a girly movie and give myself a home manicure, while having some wine, which was awesome.
It’s hard this year – even if I did ‘take a break’ from cleaning for the day, it still has to get done and it’s a jerk move to dump it all on him. We’ve split up the chores pretty evenly but there are no cleaners/laundry/cooking fairies to fall back on right now! My son is now (reluctantly!) part of our family cleaning crew and on Saturday even he was asking ‘when can the cleaners come back?!?’.
Redux says
I can’t stand it when my DH tells me to work out. I know he means it kindly and is often just reflecting back what I myself have said about wanting to work out more, but SOCIETY has trained me to hear this as a critique of my body and I can’t help but react against it. I had to tell him flatly a few years ago that he had to stop saying it, and to his credit he has stopped.
Anon says
The first big fight my now-DH and I ever got in was because he suggested I go to the gym with him and I took it as a criticism of my body. It sounds so silly now in hindsight but I remember being upset about it at the time.
avocado says
For once, I got exactly what I wanted. I asked my 13-year-old to bake a cake and make dinner, using recipes she’s already made several times (and likes to eat, so she was motivated to cook them). I took the dog on a long walk while she was cooking so she couldn’t ask me for help 1,000 times and would have to either figure things out for herself or ask her dad. I came home to a lovely dinner.
I also wanted to be left alone to do whatever I wanted for the rest of the day. I had grand plans to do my toenails, drink iced coffee, and read a novel, but instead I somehow managed only to do a few small chores, call my mother, and waste a ton of time shopping on line for an inflatable pool.
Anonymous says
Mother’s day was kind of a bust for us. I think we’re both at full bandwith between watching the baby, working, and housekeeping, so my husband couldn’t really take on any more for me to let me take it easy. But he felt bad about it and then I had to reassure him that I wasn’t mad at him, which annoyed me. So we were both kind of grumpy all day. The baby had a great day though, and it was nice weather out so we went for a big (socially-distanced) walk that cheered us up.
TheElms says
Same boat. He got me cupcakes, which are yummy. I think a card to save since it was my first mother’s day would have been nice, but oh well.
Anon says
Mine was just OK. DH got me flowers, which is what I had asked for, and my MIL dropped off some bulbs for me to plant next weekend, a surprisingly thoughtful gift because DH mentioned to her I have been frustrated trying to get plants and flowers delivered for my spring gardening. I had been looking forward to steaks (both because I like steak and DH can cook them on his own) but the store was all out. Recovered with something else out of the freezer that was more complicated, but I had to cook it (DH is not a good cook and we’re high risk so not doing takeout) – he kept me company in the kitchen and tried to be a sous chef, but wasn’t exactly what I had in mind (better than frozen pizza or hot dogs though, which is about the extent of his cooking). Toddler was typical barnacle self, when all I really wanted was some alone time, despite DH’s efforts to engage her elsewhere. No nap either. My treat to myself was no cleaning, but that really wasn’t a treat as now there will just be more cleaning. DH did volunteer to vacuum (typically my domain), but then proceeded to do the worst job of vacuuming I have ever seen (possibly even worse because he was SO PROUD of the job he did and I didn’t have the heart to tell him the toddler could probably vacuum better). So bleh. Highlighted a lot of the reasons that we outsource cleaning and food in normal times, but these are not normal times. And I miss my mom, who I haven’t seen in 4 months and I typically see every couple of weeks.
Anonanonanon says
Men seem to think running the vacuum is the chore, not getting the floor clean, if that makes sense.
IHeartBacon says
Oh my God. This. 1000%.
Anonymous says
I’m laughing because my husband would say the same thing about me. He is an engineer (no clue whether this really matters, but it seems relevant), and he can tell by the sound of the vacuum whether it is set to the optimal height level for the floor and/or whether it needs to be emptied. And then he scolds me if I use it at a sub-optimal setting. He is our resident vacuum operator.
Pogo says
We’re both engineers and I get this from my husband. Though I don’t agree with him on every setting, I defer to him since it seems to matter to him so much.
12:22 Anon says
Lol, Pogo. I have no trouble letting DH own this expertise. It is a win for everyone in my house.
Anonymous says
It was a good, low-key day. Kiddo and hubby gave me cards when we woke up. We got drive-thru donuts in the morning (which I have been craving since having hardly any takeout since March). I also picked up a Starbucks mobile order in the afternoon. Hubby grilled dinner and took care of most of the less glamorous childcare duties. It was a lazy day with crappy weather, but it was good. We’re going to do some garden work next weekend that typically would have happened yesterday, but the weather didn’t cooperate.
anne-on says
Our grill got damaged in one of the last freak wind/hail storms, and my husband is SO getting one for father’s day whether he likes it or not. The ability to shoo him outside with meat to grill on a weekend night is one of my saviors in nice weather. I can slap together a side or salad and dinner is done, whee!
Anon says
Pro tip – last year (not sure about this year) some of the local hardware stores were offering free delivery of an assembled grill (and haul away of the old one) with grill purchases above a certain threshold. The grill I wanted was above the threshold anyway, but if it hadn’t been I probably would have splurged on a nicer grill for those benefits.
GCA says
Also had a good low-key day. I’m not a big celebrations person AT ALL, and literally all I wanted was to not do any work (paid work – things at job have been a little crazy) and spend some one-on-one time with each kid. A hand-drawn poster showed up above our breakfast table and some nice fairtrade chocolate showed up in the fridge. I ran 5 miles alone and walked 2 with the big kid, then got some alone time to make a few elaborate curries for dinner, and it was great. (Toddler is going through a big ‘I want mommy’ phase right now – one on one time with her was easy.)
Pogo says
I learned a long time ago to try and set expectations low which really helped, especially this year! I got flowers and bagels which is what I wanted, and I got to take a nap. Really can’t complain.
Anonanonanon says
Mine was… OK. I said the one thing I wanted was to sleep in. Of course our daughter got in our bed, my husband turned on daniel tiger for her, then said he was going to go downstairs to clean up a little. Leaving me to watch a 2 year old with daniel tiger in the background isn’t exactly letting me sleep in. I wish he would have said “OK, 1 daniel tiger and then come downstairs and help daddy!”
Then he cooked breakfast which, he does every weekend but I acted grateful. He took the toddler out for a long walk which was nice, and I napped while she napped, but then he was uncharacteristically pouty that afternoon as if he was soooo put upon for taking her for a walk alone that morning (which, I had both kids alone for 6 hours Saturday because he had to go into the office, which is the case most weekends). It’s not how he is normally but I had zero patience for it.
He made dinner and I acted happy for the kids, but, I don’t know. I try not to put expectations on the day but getting to sleep in was not an unreasonable request, and he didn’t even try to make it happen.
Realist says
I asked to sleep in, take the dog on a long walk by myself, and to spend an hour in the sauna tent we just set up. I got everything I wanted plus kiddo made a card and DH made a special breakfast and handled the other meal prep and clean up. It was a good day, except some comments from MIL on a family Zoom call that were unnecessary. No respect for how hard it is to be at home with a young child, while watching my business go down in flames since we are reliant on DH’s income. I put DH through grad school and bought his first new car, but now here we are.
CPA Lady says
Underwhelming, but fine. I wasn’t mad. DH has done a decent enough job under normal circumstances, but these are not normal circumstances, so I had really low expectations this year. No gift or card, but DH and kid made me a big banner that was cute. That was about it. We had what I wanted for dinner, but I cooked it, because I wanted to. Also I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping lately, so I think the sundress that is coming my way is def going to count as my mothers day present.
The only thing that really irritated me was my husband getting into a blow up fight with his dad over the phone over politics. We were supposed to be going on a family walk, and he was instead in a temper on the phone so I took kiddo on my own. My sister also got into an argument with our mom about politics yesterday. Both sister and husband are generally conflict avoidant, so it was particularly strange. Husband is still upset today. Meh.
Not Talking to Conservative Family Members says
I’m sorry to hear it ruined the day, but I think we have reached a point where blow ups about politics are necessary. People are dying. Though I wish your DH had chosen a different day.
Anon says
I disagree. Yelling at someone over politics is pretty much guaranteed to not change his or her mind. It does nothing to improve the situation and if anything, makes the other person dig in more deeply to their views.
It’s fine (and in my opinion warranted)to be fed up but I’m frankly tired of idea that screaming at another person is required and productive.
Not Talking To Conservative Family Members says
Maybe yelling isn’t productive, but getting excluded from holiday events, not being able to ask me parenting or legal questions, and not getting my generous contributions for pooled birthday/holiday gifts might be . . . something. Politics has become more than politics at this point. It is not a difference of opinion, it is a difference in morals and values. So maybe I advocate calmly telling someone your view, and why you can’t speak to them anymore, spend holidays with them, or give them birthday gifts or any of your time and attention. I’ve had enough. I’m no longer ignoring the racism and general disrespect for human life coming from one side of the political aisle. I have reached a point these people need to see I morally reject their point of view. They don’t get a free pass for being related to me, and I’m starting to wonder how anyone puts up with it in their circle of friends and family. Politics is life and death. People are dying.
SC says
Mine was really good, though it may sound underwhelming. DH and Kiddo slept in until almost 10, so I spent a couple of hours laying in bed, playing on my phone, and reading my book before they got up. Then DH took Kiddo out of the house to pick up bagels with smoked salmon (curbside pickup) from my favorite deli and go by MIL’s house for a socially distanced visit. By the time they got back, it was almost noon, and I was still in bed.
I spent the afternoon reading outside, playing with Kiddo, playing a new video game with DH while Kiddo snuggled next to me with his ipad, and calling my mom. Our best friends called us yesterday evening. And instead of cooking a big meal, which was the original plan, DH and I decided to thaw a delicious curry from the freezer so we could keep playing our game. Plus wine. Basically, no grand gestures, but Kiddo was on his best behavior and super snuggly all day, and DH accommodated what I wanted to do and was the “primary” parent, which is all I really wanted. Also, I didn’t do any housework yesterday (though I woke up early this morning to do dishes).
avocado says
This does not sound underwhelming at all. It sounds absolutely perfect!
GCA says
That sounds perfect! (Why won’t my 5yo ever sleep in?! Oh yeah – he inherited his circadian rhythm from me.,,)
Anonymous says
Ha! Same. My husband made me breakfast in bed, as requested, for the third year in a row. Except somehow he thought the kids should eat with me? So he carted up a high chair for the 1.5 year old and set the three year old up in bed next to me with her own plate. You know what’s not relaxing, is eating french toast in bed with toddlers. I told him next year I would prefer they ate downstairs, and he got all huffy and was like, well I misremembered how we did this. Ummm yea you did.
That said, my husband is a great partner and the day was very nice- that was just a super weird brain hiccup he had.
Anonymous says
This made me laugh so hard–I can’t even imagine the horror on my face if my husband appeared in the doorway to our bedroom with a high chair and syrupy french toast.
Anonymous says
Perfect. DH was concerned that he didn’t do enough, but he’s been doing most of the heavy lifting around the house during the lockdown, and I appreciate that more than I would one day of attention.
I slept in, DH baked cinnamon rolls from a can for breakfast, then we took the scenic route to a state park to go hiking with the kids. They all (including DH) fell asleep on the way home and I got to listen to the radio and think about nothing. Then I parked myself in a lawn chair and finished an excellent book while the kids ran amok in the yard and DH made tacos for dinner. No gifts, except some hugs, flowers picked from the yard, and a special “song” the 3 year old played for me on the piano.
anon says
This is exactly why I kind of hate Mother’s Day. Too much pressure on everyone. Even when something really misses the mark, you have to fake it or feelings will be hurt.
K says
100%. “What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?” is just more BS emotional labor that women have to do for others, and often we’re also responsible for facilitating those wants being met.
CCLA says
By 11am I asked DH (kindly, not in anger) if he knew it was mother’s day (kids are tiny so it’s on him to organize anything, and I hadn’t heard so much as a “happy mother’s day”…). He said he did and was planning something for later, but recognized in retrospect that it would have been better to say…something. Rest of the day was spent with him taking the kids for a drive and later a walk, both sans me, so I got some nice time in at home alone to tackle a couple of projects and listen to an audiobook with a drink; the alone time at home was hands down the best. I got some kid snuggles in when I wanted, then he did 90% of kid wrangling for rest of the day and made my favorite dinner. So, mine was rough to start, but was ultimately quite nice. I do think I’ll take the advice I’ve seen on here before and communicate expectations better. Honestly I didn’t have a ton of expectations, really just wanted any sort of acknowledgment at all, but I’m glad I spoke up when I did so the rest of the day improved.
lawsuited says
My Mother’s Day sucked. No card, no gift. My husband and I both accidentally slept in by 20 minutes so the kids’ wake-up clock was already on and they were yelling for us to get them. My husband said “you stay in bed, I’ll get them”. I thought I was getting a lie-in and maybe even tea in bed. My husband took the kids downstairs in their pajamas and called up 15 minutes later asking me to bring down clothes for them. I got up and took the clothes downstairs. When he saw me my husband was surprised that I wasn’t dressed for the day, and said “okay, I’ll go shower first” and went upstairs to shower while I dressed the kids and gave them breakfast. He went to give his mom her mother’s day gift while I watched the kids, put the baby down for her morning nap and watched a movie with the toddler until lunchtime. My husband wasn’t done by lunchtime so I gave the kids lunch. After lunch I said I was going upstairs to get dressed (!) and call my sister. I chatted with my sister and reorganized my home office for an hour forcing my husband to put both kids down for their afternoon naps. I came downstairs to a wrecked kitchen and living room and my husband napping on the couch. I asked what he was thinking we’d have for dinner, and he, angry that I had interrupted his nap, said “well, it’s Mother’s Day, I guess, so it’s up to you”. I asked him to order takeout from one or the other of my favourite restaurants. Later when I was heating up leftovers for the kids, I asked what time our dinner would be ready and he told me both restaurants were closed so he hadn’t ordered anything. The evening ended with him glaring at me when I suggested that he put both kids to bed while I had a glass of wine, me discovering that he had taken the bottle of wine I’d been saving in the fridge as a gift for his mom, and eating random leftovers for dinner.
I note that my husband sucks at Mother’s Day regardless of how much explicit direction and lead time I give him. I deal with this by planning and booking my own plans, usually with my own mum or sister, while he watches the kids, but this year the spa day I’d booked with my sister couldn’t go ahead due to Covid-19. I can’t quite bring myself to buy my own Mother’s Day card or gift (and really, a card is far more important to me).
Anonymous says
Why are you married to someone who treats you like dirt? He can manage to get his own mom a card and gift but not you? I’ve never heard such nonsense.
lawsuited says
I admittedly didn’t weight how he would handle future Mother’s Days very heavily in my decision to marry him, and it seems sort of petty to blow my family up because of Mother’s Day now. He doesn’t treat me “like dirt” under usual circumstances, but we have been in close quarters juggling a baby and a toddler and 2 full-time jobs for 8 weeks now, and he has always been bad at making special occasions special. (I bought his mom’s card and gift because I love her and don’t want her Mother’s Day to suck too).
Anonymous says
The fact that you bought her card does make this different to me.
Anon says
I don’t think comments like this are very helpful. She’s obviously sad about what happened and it feels like you’re kicking her when she’s down.
Anonymous says
Sorry! I think she’s awesome and deserves way better than this! Didn’t mean to be kicking her while she was down.
Anon says
this sounds horrible. i am so so sorry. you have every right to be annoyed.
Anon says
That’s awful, I’m so sorry.
Anonymous says
We have 3 kids and I have learned how to work with DH on Mother’s Day. I told him that if the kids wanted to do breakfast in bed, it had to be something they could help make, like toast or store bought muffins delivered to me. Nothing that required mess or prep where I had to watch the kids. They woke up and my oldest brought me coffee while the younger two each got to butter a slice of toast for me. They each gave me a card. I ate yogurt and toast in bed. I took a long shower, alone.
In MA, since we are still under stay at home orders, I wanted to get out of the house, alone. I put on my mask and went to the (all outdoor) garden center with a Yeti full of coffee and just stayed 10+ feet away from everyone and looked at plants. In peace. While DH supervised the Making of Cards for my mom. I bought my mom a plant and planter, then delivered the cards and gift to her with my older kids while my toddler napped.
We ordered Indian food for take out, which I picked up alone. DH had back-up dinner for the kids that they would eat without complaint (cheeseburgers from the night before + mac and cheese) ready for when I got back. I bought an extra entree just in case and my kids all chose to eat some of our food so there was plenty for me.
After dinner I took a long bath with a glass of wine while DH and the kids cleaned up the house and DH did bathtime alone. I resurfaced right before bedtime so the kids could do a “pajama parade” where they showed me how clean their teeth were and how well they got into their pjs. DH put everyone to bed while I had another glass of wine. We cuddled and watched a show and went to bed.
I feel like after 7 years I have this down.
AwayEmily says
I sent an email to my husband a few days in advance saying exactly what I wanted for mothers day (among other things, handmade cards, a family hike, and not planning a single meal or cleaning any of the kitchen) and I got it all! I felt like a 1950s dad; it was great.
Anon says
I feel very seen by everyone’s comments. This was my first mother’s day. My husband got me a tulip plant. I have a black thumb. He got me a huge cake. I’m trying to watch what I eat. He made an elaborate meal, that put him in the kitchen most of the day. He handled most of what I do chore-wise, but then acted so exhausted by it. He told his mother as much and she told him he didn’t need to work so hard. I had to blink back tears a few times. It was a nice day, in that I could relax a lot, but I realized, everyone doesn’t do thoughtful in the same way.
anne-on says
I’m so sorry. And yes, MIL’s who think their son’s doing about 25% of the housework is TOO MUCH for their precious dears deserve some choice words.
But after many threads on this board I’m pretty sure that the only way at least one of your mother’s days with children still at home doesn’t end in tears is if you clearly (and repeatedly!) state WHAT you want. That and realistically knowing what your partner is and is not good at. My husband is not great at picking out presents. He knows the generals of what I like (flowers, candles, etc.) but not the types/brands/scents. I now curate a list for him or send him links. Not romantic? I don’t care – I’d rather be practical and get what I’d actually want, ha!
Anon says
My MIL is the same way. Absolutely infuriating. My personal favorite that resulted in a blistering setdown when we were first married was “well, honey, he’s a lawyer, you can’t expect him to do housework” – note that I am a freaking lawyer too and nothing about that precludes anyone from being able to do housework.
Anon says
It makes one wonder how decades ago men likely got away with SO much of not doing anything around the house “because they were working so hard”, and since it was such a male dominated working world, women went along with it because they didn’t have a way to prove what the men were saying wasn’t fair. But now over the last couple of decades that women have proven, um, yeah, you can be a high powered xyz profession and still cook a d@mn dinner (for example), it really exposes all of those men for what was really going on (i.e. laziness, or probably self inflated importance to the point of making them think they were above house/child stuff). And maybe the women that were married to those men have a really hard time mentally rewriting history in their head that they were kind of duped into doing ALL of the childcare and housework ALL of the time, so instead they subconsciously choose to still believe that the traditional roles are the only way.
This was a totally random thought that popped into my head that maybe doesn’t describe your MIL/FIL at all and generalizes a whole generation of folks in a way I really don’t mean to, but I wonder if there is not some truth to it in some instances.
SC says
I think there’s some truth to this, but want to point out that for the vast majority of history, most women worked for income. Sometimes, they worked alongside their husbands (and maybe older kids) in the family business. Sometimes, they took in laundry or whatever. Sometimes, they were cooks or servants in other people’s houses. Sometimes, they were teachers or nurses or secretaries or whatever traditional female job. Whatever roles were open to them, they managed to earn money AND do basically 100% of the housework and childcare.
This whole “traditional” idea of women not working while the men had important jobs was reserved for upper class women until about the 1950s, when it expanded to middle class women but also became an idealized version of “traditional” life that was never reality for the vast majority of people.
Also, I grew up in a church that became fundamentalist over time, eventually to the point that my family left it. My dad was a minister, and my mom was a doctor, which was definitely not the norm. However, the ministers who preached “traditional” values all had wives who worked as teachers, nurses, secretaries, etc. It allowed the church to underpay them, so I guess people overlooked they hypocrisy.
Anon says
That’s fair, but I wasn’t trying to imply it applied to every instance everywhere in history. a) The MILs at this point in time spouting off stuff like their sons not doing housework were likely not of adult age prior to the 1950s, so it is post-1950s world here that is relevant, and b) if they are expressing things like the sons shouldn’t do housework, I’m assuming that is coming from their experience that they were not working, or working in not-perceived-as-high-powered jobs mentioned, and still probably had it drilled in their head that b/c their job wasn’t as high-powered as the husband that meant they should do all the housework, which we are showing over the past couple of decades as more women get those high powered jobs, that should be baloney (unless the couple agrees that that is truly the split that they are happy with).
Anon says
+1. A lot of people don’t realize that women not working was an aristocratic/very upper class thing until the middle of the 20th century.
Anonymous says
What’s missing in this analysis is that there were only two full-time jobs in a household back then–breadwinner and homemaker–so it was easier for the breadwinner to claim he had made his contribution to the household at the office and was entitled to kick back at home. Now there are three full-time jobs to be divided between two people.
Pogo says
Ugh my MIL is the same about husband’s and my jobs. She always acts like he works SO hard and he is SO busy and important. Also she always wants to understand what he’s working on and asks questions, but never seems to care what I do (we’re both very technical). The other day he was explaining something to her (on speaker) and I was like, Actually my company has a great product in that space, I can send you a webinar if you really want to learn about it. Petty, but it felt good. She ignored it.
Anonymous says
Really? Obviously no one cares about a webinar she’s just trying to connect to her child. Let it go.
Realist says
It is not crazy to want a MIL that supports your own career. I get mad about that too. My MIL has one grandchild. A granddaughter. You would think she would see the problem in always prioritizing career ambitions for dudes…
Anon says
I’m not saying that there isn’t an element of sexism here, but I also think it’s normal and valid for parents to care more about their own sons and daughters than their daughters-in-law and sons-in-law. I know my parents care more about me and my career than my husband and his career, and I don’t get offended when my husband’s parents show more interest in his career. I think there is a big difference between telling your DIL she shouldn’t work once she has children (sexist and rude) and simply showing more interest in your son’s career than your DIL’s career, which might be parental bias more than sexist bias.
anon says
My own mother is like this. If finally became clear to me when we went on a vacation together and I ended up working every evening after bedtime for 3-4 hours while he watched TV, then I would get up with the baby to bf at 2 AM and 5 AM while he slept, get up for the day at 7 AM while he dozed, and then would be “on” all day with the kids. When I would ask him to help by grabbing the kids’ shoes or jackets or diaper bag so we could get out the door, she’d chide me that “he works so hard, give him a break.” It drove me mad. I know my father did zip to help with the kids and that’s her expectation, but she was a SAHM. I work more than full time at an intense job. It’s totally reasonable for him to put the 2 yo’s shoes on while I change the baby’s diaper.
Even outside that vacation she totally views him as overworked and thinks I should spend more time with the kids. So many little comments here or there. I always have to remind myself that she has an antiquated viewpoint or I start to doubt my own perspective that I’m doing enough.
Clementine says
It was a running joke that I didn’t like to do housework and that my husband was better at it than I am (fact: he is better at tidying and deep intensive overhaul cleaning, but I’m better at the regular cleaning that keeps the kitchen and bathrooms clean). One day I really did say, ‘You know, you’re right! There are lots of things I would rather do than clean, like spend time outside.’ My MIL instantly agreed and honestly, it stopped coming up.
To get my job ‘acknowledged’ as a ‘real’ job, what happened was my husband told them how much I made. My MIL really thought I was like a secretary and that my money was ‘a little extra fun money’ which is what her job always was. No, I’m actually kind of a bad a$s.
avocado says
My husband likes to brag about my work to his family. The things that impress him and that he wants to share are not the things that are actually the most impressive about my job, but it helps a lot.
anon says
this is very sweet!!
Vacation says
I need a summer vacation. Is that still a thing this year?
anon says
We’re considering driving to NC or SC and staying in an Airbnb or hotel. Understanding most restaurants will be closed or low density and tourist sites may not be open, we’ll plan to cook most meals and hang out at the beach. May have to cancel last minute depending on virus concerns, but that’s the best we can do at this point.
AnonLaywer says
That’s what I want to do except the Oregon Coast. A lot of the beaches are still being closed on weekends, but I’m hoping they’ll open up this summer and we can spread out crowds.
Anon says
We’re gonna try! We have a driving vacation where we are staying at a small hotel and we are in the nearly-stand-alone “Cabin” portion of the hotel. We planned this pre-COVID, but hoping it works out to be an ideal post-COVID trip.
Our risk tolerance is higher than some on these boards though. As long as everything is legally allowed, I’m just not one to wring my hands about the cleaning service or eating in a presumably spaced-out restaurant if needed, for example.
anne-on says
We’re crossing our fingers we can still do our airbnb on the Jersey shore this summer. Not a big deal if restaurants are closed as we always cook a bunch at the house, but it would be really nice to get to the beach!
Anon says
International? No. Domestic? Probably, but your options will be limited. Some states with low numbers like Maine are asking out of state visitors to quarantine for 14 days and keeping lodging closed, so it will be hard to visit unless you own a home and plan to stay there for a really long time. A lot of major attractions like Disney will probably be closed at least through the end of the summer. Your best bet is probably outdoorsy stuff like state and national parks. Personally, I plan to do some day and weekend trips but I don’t think I’m going to do a traditional weeklong vacation because I don’t feel like flying (or driving for a really long time) with kids right now.
Anonymous says
We are considering some sort of beach trip too, to an NC or VA beach. I think we will be absolutely stir crazy by the beginning of July, and once it gets hot the city (DC) will be miserable. I haven’t looked into it much yet, since things are still changing rapidly, but am hoping that we can get a place to ourselves, do one big grocery run, and then just cook + beach time as a family.
Boston Legal Eagle says
We’re also going to try to go on our pre-Covid planned trip to the Cape (driving distance) in late August. Staying at an Airbnb, so no other guests to worry about, and assuming the beaches are open, we’ll just do that and maybe go to a few restaurants or get takeout. We wanted to go to a water park nearby there for the kids, but that’s most likely out. Maybe that’s for the best – no sweaty crowds to worry about!
Pogo says
If the beaches are open, definitely Cape. We’ll see how it goes!
Anon says
Outdoor water parks seem relatively low risk to me? Sunshine + fresh air + chlorinated water. We plan to go to our local water park when it opens.
Anon says
+1. Eventually the kids have to get out and do SOMEthing. I would also do this.
AnonATL says
We are going to drive to a low-key beach that is never crowded and do all our cooking at a house my parents own in the area. We are super lucky my parents own this home, and I know who has been there recently. I would feel ok about an airbnb or equivalent rental house regardless. Especially if you bring some cleaning supplies just to be sure.
I know there’s some risk to driving there because we have to stop for gas, but it’s less than 5 hours (1 stop for gas/bathroom), and I am going to lose my mind if I don’t get some sort of vacation this summer.
The beaches we go to are never crowded. We can cook all our meals in. It’s basically like being at home, but at the beach in the sunshine.
TheElms says
I’ve been wondering about this. My dad lives near the beach in Hilton Head, which is a long drive for us but doable. So we could drive, take the dog, find a cat sitter (which would be ok since we wouldn’t be in the house), and stay with them. We could hang out with him and we could go to the beach for stints during the day before coming home for naps/food etc. Beach access is limited to just those people that live in his gated community (you can walk in on the beach from other places but its a long walk so in practice very few people do it) so its usually pretty empty.
He’s high risk because he’s not in the best of health generally and I’ve been wanting to visit for that reason. We’ve been quarantined since mid-March (but do have a nanny) so as long as we went before we were not quarantined, I think the risk of us visiting him would be low but clearly not zero. He’d also really like to see us and his only granddaughter. (There is some chance that he may not live until a vaccine is ready. That shouldn’t be the case but its a definite possibility.)
Is it nuts to think this might be doable? Obviously there is a risk, but I only see our social exposure going up so unless I commit to not seeing him until there is a vaccine (at which point he could be really sick and the visit meaningless) this seems like the best time.
Cb says
We’ve booked a week off in August to make up for our cancelled Portugal trip. Hoping that we can go north to a cabin. We’ll stay close to home, in the same health board, so that way if we did get sick, we wouldn’t be burdening a smaller community hospital But I need a few days in nature.
Anon says
We are on the fence – I was just thinking this might be the year of no vacation. We were just about to book a beach trip before everything shut down. Certainly not comfortable flying anywhere. I think we’ll just play it by ear in August and see if we can get a last minute hotel room in driving distance (normally we would do a house booked months in advance with my sisters and parents).
Pigpen's Mama says
Long weekend in a cabin that is less than two hours away in June, will likely try to do another few long weekends away. I’d rather break up what would normally be a week long vacation into a few long weekends to break up the rest of the suck that this summer will be.
Anonanonanon says
We’re both involved in the response (though, luckily, no direct patient contact) so won’t get leave approved, but I’m trying to talk my husband into agreeing for us to buy a little place about 2 hours away for the weekends. I can telework most days and it would be nice to just have a change of scenery, and if we owned a place we would know it’s safe. We live far below our means (we live in a house he purchased as a bachelor when he made far less money than he does now) so could afford a little place, but he claims we’d never go (SPEAK FOR YOURSELF!)
He also wants to upgrade to a much larger home instead, which I’m not a fan of, because I like having extra income for vacations and dinners out and clothes etc. once those things are doable again. Also, I refuse to show the house during COVID while we’re living in it, and it’s still a seller’s market where we live so no one will accept contingency offers. Banks aren’t doing bridge loans right now, and we’d need the 250-300K we’d make from this house as a down payment. Also, we’re in the burbs, and I have always dreamed that our next purchase would be in the city, and am not ready to accept that we’ll be in the burbs for at least the next decade. I know it’s a lot for a family of 4 to be crammed into 1500 sq ft… but enter second home idea!!
Anon says
This is a minor point, but just an fyi to back you up – at least in CA – they aren’t allowed to currently show houses where people are living in them (even if, obviously, the people exit the house temporarily like they would in that situation anyway). You can visit houses for sale by appointment, but only those that have already been vacated.
Anonanonanon says
He 100% realizes we shouldn’t show it while living in it, but seems determined to somehow make it happen. We haven’t found a bank that is currently doing bridge loans, though, so I’m not sure what his plan is. We talked about the kids and I staying with my parents while the house is on the market (again, a seller’s market so should only be a couple of weeks) and asking for a rentback while we house hunt, but now is NOT the time to deal with this in my opinion! Plus, we’d have to use movers, so I’m not sure what we’d do about that!
I think everyone does weird things to cope right now. I dyed my hair, he got us pre-approved for a mortgage. Sigh.
Anonymommy says
We are veryyy lucky/privileged to share a cottage with some family members. It’s an hour and 15 min away. I don’t love planning vacations and it’s hard to get a full week off for both my husband and I. But getting away to the cottage is relatively easy. We leave a stash of diapers, condiments, etc. so it really involves packing some clothes and fresh food and leaving town. Nothing fancy but it feels like a get away. We also still live in the our first home but I’m fine with a smaller house and affording our cottage share. TLDR- Recommend.
Anonanonanon says
That sounds lovely!!
I’m not even technically on the mortgage for this house, maybe I should just take out a cottage mortgage myself! (kidding)
Spirograph says
This is exactly the conversation DH and I have been having. DH wants to upgrade our house or move somewhere bigger that would be a “forever home” family compound, I’d love to buy a vacation home (nothing fancy, like the cottage someone mentions below) a couple hours away that would just be a forever-relaxing weekend escape. I don’t need to go into the office until Fall at the earliest, and I’d love to be able to switch up where I’m working and have something that resembles a summer vacation.
Anonymous says
We rent a beach house for a week every summer at a beach town a 2-3 hour drive away, and it’s been booked since the Before Times. I assume the beach will be open in some capacity by then (even if it’s “by appointment only” like Spain is apparently doing). I’m hoping the boardwalk and everything will also open by August, but if not, it will at least be a change of scenery.
No-Face says
We will take a long roadtrip to visit friends who just moved to a beach community. They are not in a resort area, so hopefully their local beach will be open. Their house has a pool and our kids can play together. Far less lofty than what I would be planning otherwise.
Anon says
i’m actually surprised by everyone’s comments. we were supposed to fly to see family in the DC and NY/NJ area with our toddlers to a family beach house. given that the NY/NJ area is a particular hotspot i don’t think that is happening, nor do I think i really want to get on a plane with our toddlers. so far the only vacations we’ve taken with our kids have been to visit family or on vacation with family where we have extra set of hands. honestly, going some place not childproofed by ourselves with them, even driving distance does not sound fun. i’d rather stay home and have our nanny come. perhaps it would sound more appealing if there were actually places within driving distance that were nice to visit. restaurants have reopened where we live, but i have zero desire to go. to me the point of going out to eat is to relax, but i can’t relax if i am worried about touching something, making sure not to drink too much liquid so i don’t need to use the restroom, etc.
Anon says
Yeah I’m the same – it’s not that I think the risk is objectively high, but a vacation where I’m constantly worrying about not touching things and not getting to close to other people is not going to be much of a vacation, especially with a crazy toddler to mind. The only trip I can see myself doing is visiting family, since that’s not a vacation to begin with, but since my parents live driving distance away and will visit us and my in-laws live in NYC, I’m not sure I’ll be traveling to see family either.
Anonymous says
Well many of us just aren’t this anxious
AnonLaywer says
Yeah, and I don’t think I can keep up that level of vigilance for 2 years anyway.
Anonymous says
Yup. I wouldn’t go to a hotel or plan a city break intending to visit museums, but the information I’ve seen doesn’t make me nervous about driving a few hours, renting a house (that presumably will be cleaned before I show up. I might clorox wipe the light switches and doorknobs) and doing primarily outdoor activities. Yes, I still need to grocery shop + cook or get takeout, but being outside of my house instantly eliminates about 50% of things that stress me out right now.
Anon says
i am the Anon @ 12:47. what you are proposing doesn’t stress me out (driving, renting a house and being at the beach — in fact, that sounds great!), but for us to do all those things as we normally would involves getting on a plane and going to a hot spot. i also live in TX where things reopened without meeting any of the criteria set forth and where apparently many of the reopened businesses are not complying with the new rules and i have zero trust in our government to do anything to prioritize public health. Our city government would love to step up, but the governor is making that impossible
AnonLaywer says
I think everyone who responded was talking about stuff within driving distance though. I have zero desire to get on a plane.
Anon says
I’m the Anon at 12:59 and I agree that driving a few hours to a rental house wouldn’t stress me out but I live in the Midwest and there aren’t really great outdoorsy vacation destinations within a few hours drive. And I don’t think airplane travel and eating in restaurants with a toddler would be fun for me right now. It’s not so much anxiety (I am a rational person and am aware the odds of the virus killing anyone in my family are incredibly small) but just that the social distancing measures we’re supposed to be taking are hard to implement with most kinds of travel, especially with a toddler, and so I would just find the trip stressful and un-fun. Although part of this is probably just that travel with a toddler is relatively stressful to begin with so a destination has to be really amazing for me to think the traveling is worth it. And the amazing destinations are kind of off limits right now.
Anonymous says
Really? Where? There are all sorts of great driving vacations in and near the Midwest!
Anon says
Yeah, I’m one of the posters above hoping to take my vacation, and it just sounds like I’m not as anxious as you are about it. Neither of us is right or wrong here, it just is. I don’t mean to be blaise about it either – I know it is a horrible situation. But I also acknowledge that I know I can’t live with that amount of anxiety about touching public things for example for a prolonged period of time. I know we’ve all read articles about how long the virus lives on surfaces which sound scary, but… I don’t know. I’ve also read articles suggesting the likelihood someone actually gets the virus from touching the inanimate thing it is supposedly still living on a day later or whatever is probably low. Maybe even very low. To be clear, I will follow laws & wash my hands as much as I can. But I’m not going to keep fear from letting me do allowable things long after they are allowable.
I would also note the part about not child proofing a vacation home, which is valid but also not really COVID related and doesn’t apply to everyone posting. My kids are only 4 and 5, but I already feel well beyond the point of needing to do any major childproofing when we go places.
Anonymous says
We’re in NYC and things are still so far from reopening here that it is hard to picture. My parents own a house on the outer banks and have invited us to come stay there for a bit, but it is currently being renovated and may not be done until mid July (or later). Right now the town they are in is only letting property owners in, which miiiiight include us as family, but I’m not sure. If I were the town, I would not want to open up to renters this summer – the hospital out there is tiny and crappy, and having renters around not only means them and their germs, but also lots of seasonal workers at stores and restaurants that come from all over. I don’t know. What would probably be more realistic/safer is to try to rent a house upstate for a week – somewhere we could get to without needing to stop on the way.
anon says
We are planning two domestic trips by plane – one to Colorado and one to see grandparents who are several states away and we haven’t seen in a while. My husband’s risk tolerance is apparently very high and we’re in Texas where things are reopening. I’m curious whether flying will be socially acceptable this summer, for lack of a better word. We have three kids under 5 so he’s not looking to do long car trips but I’ve been pushing on maybe making Colorado a drive. If we didn’t fly to see grandparents chances are they’d want to fly to see us. And we can’t go to Colorado but not see them in their state (even though both work in healthcare-adjacent fields that have them at work full-time facing customers throughout this) or we’ll hurt major feelings. It’s a mess.
Anon says
Having them fly to see you might be preferable? I think flying isn’t actually that high risk for adults who can wear masks, but kids under 5 are a different story because they can’t keep a mask on and they touch EVERYTHING and constantly touch their face. I would get on a plane tomorrow if it were just me, but I don’t see how flying with my toddler will be safe until there’s a vaccine (which really bums me out because I’m not an optimist about the vaccine timeline, and we used to fly 6+ times per year).
Anon says
We’ve been debating this, too. We want to see grandparents this summer, but they’re a 20 hour drive away, so usually we fly rather than make that drive with 2 kids under 4.
Patricia Gardiner says
If one more childless friend asks me what new hobbies I’m picking up now or what quarantine projects I am working on, I will scream!
That is all.
Anon says
This is honestly affecting my friendships so much. One of my closest mom friends is quarantining with her parents, so she has built-in free childcare. I’m happy for her that things are working out so smoothly for her, but I have a hard time talking to her because she’s always saying things like “oh, we can do this for several years if we have to, there’s no way we can even consider reopening school or daycare until there’s a vaccine.” She seems to have no awareness of how lucky she is, or that 99% of parents are not in a situation that’s sustainable for several years. I feel like a terrible person but reading her emails and texts about how easy and fun quarantine is just absolutely drains my batteries and makes me feel miserable, so I’ve been avoiding her messages.
Anon says
Same. I have a few friends in similar situations and it’s really straining our relationship. Like, ok YOU can do this for years but most of us…can’t….
Anon says
+1000. Also the friends who are getting paid to not work and the friends who still have childcare available….
anon says
Bean bag recommendations? I am looking for two for the kids’ room and I cant seem to find many options in the usual places – target, ikea.
Anne-on says
Sounds crazy, but restoration hardware kids has great furry faux fur ones. Crate and barrel kids and pottery barn kids did too recently.
Realist says
Yogibo
AwayEmily says
we like our pottery barn kids one.
AnonATL says
I am pushing 30 weeks pregnant, and the past couple of days I have had this achey muscle type pain in my back beneath my left shoulder blade in my rib area. Heating pad helps, but I can’t just lay on a heating pad all day. Laying down is alright, and so is being reclined on the sofa. It’s difficult to sit comfortably, especially when I have to be at a desk all day.
Has anyone had something like this happen while pregnant? I can’t exactly go get a massage right now, so I’d really appreciate any stretches or yoga poses that might help. It’s only on my left side in a pretty isolated section of my back. I’m sure it’s from my sub-par pregnancy posture.
Anonymommy says
It can also be affected by your pelvic floor. Good posture, do some kegels (if you don’t know how to do them correctly, look up Hab-it by Tasha Mulligan), gentle stretches. Also think about whether you do anything adding strain- ie picking up older siblings if that applies.
Anonymous says
I assume you’re sleeping with all the pillow fort supports; behind your back, under your tummy, between your knees. If not, do that first. If so, have you tried leaning against a doorframe or wall with a tennis ball in the painful spot? The Spinning Babies website also has some techniques, including the Rebozo Manteada, that helped release pressure in certain areas temporarily for me.
octagon says
You might consider using a TENS unit, it helped me a lot when I was pregnant and had random aches and muscle issues.
anonn says
try sitting on a Yoga ball? you can get one for around $12 on the River site. Are chiropractors open? I’m not usually a believer, but saw one my third trimester and it helped. There are ones specifically certified for pregnancy
Remote friendship for kids says
Has anyone had success in helping their elementary school kids connect with friends through vide chat or other means? My almost 8 year old son doesn’t seem to enjoy video chat with his friends. We have had more success in doing google hangouts with my parents by allowing him to share his screen and show them different websites he’s interested in – it’s a lot of looking up different animals and checking in on various zoo webcams. We also did a family game on netgames.io with a Googlehangouts with my siblings and parents. Is anyone using Facebook Messenger Kids? What other options are there?