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Vicky Austin says
Anybody up for a baby name thread? We have our potential boy name locked down, but despite inventing hundreds of fictional families for myself since childhood I suddenly cannot think of a single girl name that I like enough to use. Our taste leans mostly classic, but I’m honestly coming up so blank I’ll consider anything. What are your favorites?
Caroline, Catherine, Georgia
Amelia, Lavender, Thomasina, April.
i never got to use my girl names! Elizabeth (ellie), Evelyn (Evie), Penelope (Penny), Mary, Winifred (winnie).
Many of mine were family names and i loved them!
Vicky Austin says
I love your taste! I’d totally go for Winifred if our dog weren’t already named Winnie. LOL.
Willa maybe? Feels like a similar vibe.
I know a few Willias under 10, it’s a cute name! Their sisters’ names are Louisa and Lorraine
We have three girls! Outing myself – hi any friends I’ve told about this site! Edith (Edie), Louisa, and Cecily. All of their names have aged well so far!
Vicky Austin says
Oh, I love Cecily! Honestly, you’re making me realize I should probably just treat Lucy Maud Montgomery as the girl name bible.
Yes! That’s where I originally got it. No one ever catches that! Well spotted! My favorite name since I was a kid, that I then actually used on one of my kids!
(People do catch that it’s from The Importance of Being Ernest, which I also love, but which I read after The Story Girl)
Vicky Austin says
Yesss! Come sit by me. The Story Girl is excellent. I should go back and flip through there – there were lots of good King family names IIRC.
Louisa, Catherine, Eleanor, Edith.
Love these says
Ha, you have two of my three on your list! And Catherine was out for family reasons or it would have been our third!
Would you be willing to share your boy name? I could make suggestions based on that. My girl name that I will never get to use is Aaliyah. I also like Anaïs. I’m not obsessed with A names: those jus happen to be the two I like. I also like Sydney (but it feels weird saying that because it’s my name lol). They’re definitely not classic so maybe not your cup of tea.
Vicky Austin says
I do like Sydney! I just am wary of names with multiple spellings – I have one of those and it was annoying sometimes. Not trauma inducing though; I could be persuaded.
I wouldn’t really say Sydney has more than one spelling? It has one standard spelling. Pretty much any name in the US has weird, made-up variants that someone somewhere has used, but that doesn’t mean it’s actually an accepted spelling. There are certainly names that have two standard, accepted spellings (Catherine/Katherine, Ann/Anne, Sophia/Sofia, etc.) but Sydney is not one of them in my opinion.
Vicky Austin says
Excluding the Siydtnees of the world, I was thinking of Sidney and Cydney (a friend’s 80s-born sister is named this).
The spelling is a fair reason not to pick this name. Im Sydney. It always gets spelled Sidney: drives me nuts. One of my friends jokingly spells it Cidkni…so far that’s my favorite creative spelling but believe me, there are many.
Huh. I have never heard of a Sidney or Cydney. Must be regional.
I truly do not believe there is a name in existence with no alternate spellings, so personally I wouldn’t avoid a name I otherwise liked for that reason. For example, someone said below that Cora only has one spelling, but there is a Korra in my daughter’s daycare. With any name, you have to accept you may meet someone who spells it differently.
I had three boys but my girl name list every time was the same: Rosemary, Catherine or Cecilia.
This is so funny, because I had the easiest time with girl names and had so few boy names I loved. So hard to do this in a vacuum, give us more prompts! Anyone to honor? A letter to start with? When you say “classic,” I think of Emily, Jane, Natalie
Vicky Austin says
I genuinely have little to no parameters – I realize how unhelpful that is! One family name covers 3 relatives on both sides (Susan) but I don’t love it for a little girl and the nickname Susie is taken by one of said relatives. Maybe as a middle?
My mother literally told us not to use her name because she hates it (and I don’t love it either), and my MIL and my sister share a name so adding one would be too much. None of the male relatives really have feminine-ifiable names that wouldn’t be ridiculous (Gregorina?).
Vicky Austin says
lol the man himself would get a big kick out of that!
Top girl names, including what we actually named our daughter: Violet, Evelyn, Josephine, Pearl, Elaine, Everly.
We liked but didn’t end up using Charlotte, Isabelle, Caroline, Elise, Rosemary, Hazel, Alice, and Abigail. Good luck! You’ll get there. We always had the hardest time picking names (two girls).
Vicky Austin says
I love those! Thank you!
What’s your family’s heritage? We might have some ideas from there.
I also like fairly classic names. For girl names: Patricia, Elaine, Eileen, Sarah (everyone and their sister was named Sarah in the 80s but it’s declined in popularity since then), Frances/ Francesca, Julia.
Vicky Austin says
I love Sarah! It would be a done deal if it didn’t almost rhyme with our last name. It’s on my list. I love your others, too – I think Frances was a great-grandma on my husband’s side; that would be very cute.
I bring a lot of Scandinavian to the table, and my husband is Czech and Basque. (Basque names are a whole other ball of wax. There’s a few I like, but giving a kid a funky name does give me pause.)
I love Penelope (Penny), Hazel, Violet, Juliette and Cecilia.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I like: Natalie, Claire, Julia, Nora(h) (although this last one is huge among babies now, so YMMV on whether you want a super popular name).
Vicky Austin says
I love Norah, but yeah, it’s having a moment, isn’t it! Claire is cute. I also like Clara.
Vicky Austin says
Oh, but it has the same problem as Sarah with our last name. Sigh.
Our daughter is Claire. We also liked Clara but similarly couldn’t use it with our last name. If we had had a second girl, my vote was for Kathryn Cecilia (both family names).
We have a claire too. She is feisty ;)
Brynne (or Bryna)
Vicky Austin says
Oooh, I like these! Thank you!
Ooh Marian! I have a colleague with a daughter by that name and I love it. I wouldn’t use it myself as I’m not Christian but it’s a nice one!
This is so fun…
Mae or Maeve
Also love the Sarah love from an 80s Sarah ;)
Always! Iris, Claire, Margaret with the nickname Maggie, Marigold with the nickname Goldie (not classic but I do love it).
I was going to add Margot, rather than Margaret, is always a favorite of mine.
I also like Marie with the nickname “Missy”.
Anna, Rosa, Julia. Or names from my kids’ classes (which skew older and I’m leaving out the super unusual ones to not out myself)- Harriet, Kaye, Naomi, Hannah, Fiona, Aurelia, Edie, Elizabeth, Nina, Evelyn,Eliana, Cora.
Oh… I love thinking about names.
The girl names we never got to use-
Also- if it makes you feel better, we left the hospital without naming our daughters and kind of test drove names for a few weeks before picking. It was pretty clear after a week what the baby would be called.
Mary Moo Cow says
Penelope, Frances, Helen, Margaret, Julia, Emily, Felicity.
Nora, Hazel, Alice, and Freya are all having a moment in my circles.
To add a few gorgeous classic names I haven’t seen named yet:
If this child had been a girl she was going to be Eleanor Lynn. My other daughter is Charlotte Jane. Others I like: Cora, Thea, Penelope, Amelia, Josephine (Josie). :)
The name Cora has really grown on me over the years. Classic, one spelling, sounds strong and yet pretty…
The girl names I would like to use but probably never will be able to are:
Liana or Leona
I like names that are classic but maybe less common:
Name I loved but didn’t use is Clara. I also really liked Kate (not Katherine).
Clara is also my name-that-got-away. My husband vetoed it, and to this day I have no idea why.
Arden was my DREAM girl name but it sadly sounds awful with our last name, so we went in a different direction. I also love Lucy, Sutton, and Elise for girls (none of which my daughter is named since my husband vetoed all of them).
Elizabeth (Beth, Lizzie, Ellie, etc)
Other fun ones I’ve run into over the years:
Maisey (not sure how this works for an adult)
Emilia (Emi, Mia)
Josephine (Jo, Joey, Josie)
Not exactly classic, but the top of my list was Lily and Adeline, which I don’t think were mentioned yet.
Adeline is my daughter’s name! We got a lot of compliments on it. It does have a bunch of alternate spellings, though I think Adeline is the most conventional. I’ve seen Adaline and Adalynn (the latter often pronounced slightly differently, like the name Lynn) and of course there’s the closely related Adelaide. So I’m not sure it’s the best for someone who wants a name with only one spelling, but I do love it :)
NLD in NYC says
+ Catherine; Camille, Sophia, Lillian, Amelia
NLD in NYC says
Oops, thread fail. For Vicky.
Thanks for all the backless booster help yesterday! For anyone looking, I went with the Cosco Rise – it fit all my requirements for travel, has a good IIHS rating, and was a recommended item on the usual carseat blogs/sites. We’ve used Cosco for travel/”extra” seats (e.g. Scenera Next – which younger sibling will be using on this trip, Finale) and they’ve worked well and been simple to use. I’ll report back after our trip.
DS was 42 lbs a year ago, and has only grown, so I’m thankful we can travel this way. I’ll definitely throw him on the scale again soon.
My toddler (turning 2 soon) has epic meltdowns. Daily. I have timed them and they are at least 45 min long. I have gotten better at regulating myself through these meltdowns and not being triggered by them as much, but looking for advice or commiseration. Sometimes I have to take a time out and remove myself from his screaming and come back to him. What else can I do besides being calm and acknowledging his feelings that will help us get through it? I am very exhausted each day having to deal with it, especially because I get overstimulated very easily (as does my child).
Often these meltdowns occur as soon as he wakes up in the morning (he wakes up sometime between 5:30-6am, so waking up earlier than him to brace myself for a meltdown isn’t super practical) or a nap (even if he naps 2 hrs!), or if he has to stop doing something he likes (like leaving the park). Helppppp
My younger daughter used to have this issue after waking up from her nap. Like your son, it was often even if she had a good nap. Thank goodness she stopped napping eventually. We never found a great solution.
yes i had this with one of my twins when waking from a nap. it was like she was awake, but maybe still half asleep and out of sorts. honestly, this is when we first introduced Daniel Tiger so I could try to help the one melting down while the other one watched TV and drank milk and sometimes that would help calm the first one. I do recall calling DH a few times saying that i thought something was horribly wrong with our daughter and that he should come home from work and maybe we should take her to the hospital bc of the way she was screaming, so lots of commiseration
One of mine does this. He is sometimes hangry. It’s difficult to get him to calm down enough to eat something, but that helps. In the morning I’ll get him up, plop him in his chair and give him water and a banana. If I can’t get him to calm down, I tell him: “I need to help you keep your body safe. You’re going in your crib until you can be safe. I’m right here if you need me.” Then I leave him alone. His older brother wanted me close during tantrums, but he seems to need space to calm down. I’ll check on him every 5 minutes. I’m basically counting down til we can start play therapy. It’s exhausting and hard. Sorry I don’t have more suggestions.
My eldest is similar. At 3.5 it is finally subsiding, but the last year has been rough. For the morning, we worked out that its mostly hunger causing it, so we come in with a straw cup of milk. I don’t turn on the lights, I just have the light in the hall on and we sit in the quasi dark for 5-10 minutes while she wakes up and drinks the milk. After nap might be a similar issue so I’d try a snack then too. Ideally the snack will have fat and protein, but start with anything they will eat/drink.
For leaving or stopping an activity have you tried any of the “tricks”? We set a timer on our phone or on Alexa and when it went off it was time to leave/stop whatever it was. Verbal warnings didn’t help and us telling her didn’t work but something about it being the noise on the phone (and not mom/dad/nanny) seemed to help a lot. We also got into the habit of saying bye bye to the thing. So it would go like this: In 2 minutes we need to leave the park. Do you want to start the timer or should I? (2 minutes elapse – Timer noise). That’s the timer! Do you want to stop the timer or should I? Great job (if they stop the timer) and now its time to say bye bye park as we walk to the car. If at any point they tantrum or refuse to choose you do the next step and drag them along. Repeat approximately 1000 times and eventually they get it and the tantrums get less. I think it took a solid 6 months of us being almost 100% consistent to see any improvement. During which time I thought I was going to lose my mind.
+1 for a cup of milk or snack in bed immediately upon waking.
Was coming here to say this! When my toddler wakes up- at the first sounds of storing, I turn on a low light, hand her a sippy cup of milk and a book in her crib and leave the room (all without speaking). About 10 minutes later she’ll start talking and I can go in and get her up.
yes, timers worked wonders for us…until at age 4 my child suddenly decided she was scared of timers
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
My almost 5 year old DS #1 is a joy…except when he’s not. Whining, crying, “MY LEG/ARM/NECK/BODY HURTS!”, “DON’T LEAVE ME!”, “I CAN’T WALK!” (and he’s fine in all instances). Sometimes these tantrums/meltdowns have him laying on the floor, but usually he just wants to be close to me. This all seems to have really increased as we’ve had to spend a little more time with his younger sibling on some appointments (e.g. PT, ECI Eval) and DS #1 has started a transitional Kinder year, basically a Kindergarten class at a new school.
I notice it tends to be –
1) right when he wakes up for about ~10 minutes (which is something I struggled with for a LONG time) and 2) in the evenings after school; last night it was when I took DS #2 out of the bath first.
When I empathize, nothing changes. Sometimes distraction works, sometimes it escalates. When I say things like “let’s see how you feel after breakfast”, I get “I’LL STILL FEEL BAD!” (which is hard not to lovingly laugh at, especially with the big fat tears). My best bet is typically a firm voice and then…ignoring.
I welcome any advice. Still on the waitlist at the library for “How to Talk so kids will listen”!
I might get flamed but for mine who is now 7, around 5.5-6 we eventually started saying “if you actually cannot walk we are leaving now for the emergency room.” It’s a big anxiety response for our kid so overall working on anxiety helps a lot, but it does help him figure out how to stand up in the moment. When he’s not melting down we have had conversations about needing to know if he is truly in a medical emergency or just feeling very overwhelmed.
If you’re getting flamed, I’m right there with you. We do this with our 4 year old when she throws herself down on the ground and says she can’t walk, albeit slightly less extreme (“I guess I need to call the doctor and take you in tomorrow to see what’s wrong with your legs.”) I agree, it’s anxiety driven and this helps our kid snap out of it.
Same. Glad we’re not the only ones who calmly comment that I guess we’re going to the hospital if your legs don’t work (miraculously in the following moments, she’s able to jump again). But I do like the idea of having the calm convo about needing to know whether it’s an emergency – going to try that with our 6yo.
Thank you. This weekend I (jokingly) was like OKAY LETS CALL THE AMBULANCE and started making ambulance noises, and both DS and I started laughing hysterically.
One of our family friends used to say to his daughter, “oh no, your arm hurts?? We need to cut it off immediately!” and she would usually start laughing. Know your kid though, YMMV.
Definitely know your audience. My kid would be incredibly offended that we were “making fun of her” if we tried that.
My son was obsessed with vehicles when he was a toddler. At one point, his dream in life was to ride in an ambulance! He’d frequently talk about how he wanted to get hurt or sick so he could go to the hospital in an ambulance.
He had his first trip to the ER last summer (we took an Uber). It was for a cut lip, he needed one stitch, and they numbed him up really well and gave him a mild sedative. Also, we were traveling and went to one of the nicest pediatric ERs in the country. So, basically, his memory of the ER is getting to stay up late (2 am), watching cartoons, and adults being really nice to him. Totally worth a cut lip.
This sounds like connection-seeking behavior. In my experience, nothing much helps in the moment when my child is in one of these cycles, but if I increase my time playing with her without any distractions (i.e. no phone) for even like 10-15 min per day, this behavior improves dramatically.
Agree. Sounds like DS wants 10 minutes of undivided attention in the morning so I’d try planning for it. Maybe making it a lovely time where you can sip your coffee and cuddle with him while he drinks milk/eats breakfast or read books together or play games? I know mornings are impossible but I’ve found my kid takes the time if I fight it or go along with it and it’s so much more enjoyable for me to wake up 10 min early and just go along with it.
NPR’s Life Kit just did a feature on “special time”:
It’s like what $10? Buy the book.
“How to Talk” is one of the few parenting books that are actually worth spending money on.
At that age, I found that one of the best responses was to mirror the kid’s actions, kindly and in a playful way. So if my kid was laying down saying he didn’t want to walk, I would get down on the floor to and say “oh, are we having a lay-down moment? Okay, let’s everyone lay down and look at things from down here for a moment, before we have to go about our day.” It’s similar to the advice in the How to Talk books — sometimes kids just want to feel like they are heard. In most cases, I could get my kid to start laughing and then gently transition to whatever needed to happen. (I’m not going to pretend it wasn’t hard sometimes, but I’ve made an effort to bring more humor to my parenting and I think it’s paying off.)
Snuggles and ‘let’s read a book to take your mind off it’. My kids snuggle with us for 10 minutes in the ‘big bed’ to start the day. Eases everyone into being awake.
First make sure he is getting enough sleep. This sounds a lot like my newly 5yo kinder and it is always so much worse when he is tired.
Second, depending on the time of comments made, I low-key agree or deflect. If it’s downright mean (“I want to throw [baby brother] in the trash!”) I say “That’s not kind, I know you don’t mean that.” But if he says, “I’m not going to school today! I can’t move!” I say, “OK, we can talk about it.” There is less than zero value is arguing logic with these comments.
Third, if you’re getting him as much sleep as possible and he is just overwhelmed by life, I have found myself increasingly comfortable with screen time as a tool in this situations. Think of yourself when you get home from work and you just want to plop on the couch and scroll – that’s how he often is when he gets home. I will get him his lovey, tuck him in on the couch, put on something he likes, and give him a kiss and a hug. He is almost always in a better mood when he’s had some time to decompress. I can tell he needs it by his body language – he will curl up with his lovey, suck his thumb, and zone out. Screen time does not amp him up in these scenarios, it regulates him. I feel good about it in that context (we had cut WAY back because it was doing the opposite, amping him up, making it impossible to get him to bed, etc – so this is a know your kid situation).
Has anyone ever washed an LLBean tote bag? I just assumed you could and now I have no way to clean it! I tried spot cleaning and it really was not effective. Same with my Lo and Sons weekender too, it ha a black scuffs from a flight and it also says don’t wash it in the washing machine!
I throw mine in the washing machine and air dry.
Mary Moo Cow says
I have; I spray any stains and let it sit for 15 minutes, then wash on cold, gentle cycle, and air dry. It has always come out in good shape.
The boat and tote? Yes. Delicate, cold water, reshape and air dry.
I think my DD (second grade) has ADHD. I definitely did, still do really, and she just has some classic ADHD-like behaviors. But it doesn’t seem to be impacting her negatively in second grade. She’s in private school so no school resources that would change if we got her diagnosed. Is there a reason to do so at this stage that I’m missing? Something just to keep an eye on down the line?
FWIW, she definitely struggles with some executive functioning type skills in the classroom but just makes it happen and the teacher is on her to put away work even when it’s not finished and such so it just doesn’t seem to be a big deal yet, but I could see it becoming one once there’s more work that needs to get done.
One reason to pursue a diagnosis now is that the wait for an appointment can be months. If problems crop up in third grade you probably won’t get a diagnosis until the end of the year.
Agree. It can also take multiple appointments to get the diagnosis. Also 2nd grade is a “sweet spot” of ADHD diagnoses where it’s easier for primary care pediatricians to diagnose (as opposed to younger kids and teens where they may need more formal evaluation). If it does start negatively impacting her it’d be much quicker to get interventions already having a diagnosis.
Co-sign – we called in late-Sept and have an appointment in December, some clinics were pushing until February :x
I didn’t post this but could have down the last detail. Appreciate these responses since we are set to have an initial discussion with our DD’s 2nd grade teacher next week, and I’ve been second-guessing whether we’re being overly anxious about something that doesn’t seem like a big deal – yet.
Baby names - boy edition says
Piggybacking off of Vicky –
Baby boy suggestions? Needs to be something that works with family heritage/languages (German, Russian, Spanish) and a very Eastern European last name. We came up with a girl’s name very quickly but boy’s name seems harder (and we deliberately don’t pick from family names b/c complicated).
NLD in NYC says
Amelio, Karl, Stefan, Elias, Lucas
Soren :) It was the runner up for DS #2.
Soren is very overtly Scandinavian and would sound weird to me with a long Polish/Czech/Russian last name. I also don’t like the meaning of that name (stern/strict).
Great, keep it off the list then!
I’m a non-white WOC and don’t come from a European background, and have what was probably considered a “weird” name in the 80’s-90’s (and still likely is in some parts of the country without others of my background) so these threads are 100% not for me (not everything is for everyone and I get that!), and this just confirms it. No disrespect to anyone, just stating a fact.
Anon at 10:58 says
I’m also not of European descent, and have a first and last maiden name that are considered very weird and unpronounceable to white Americans, fwiw. Not sure how saying Soren is a very Scandinavian name and sounds weird with a stereotypically Eastern European last name is critical of POC but ok… have you been to Denmark? It’s one of most common for white males there.
I literally just said I guess this thread isn’t for me. Not that it was offensive. Chill.
And no, I haven’t been to Denmark, but glad you have. Hope your day gets better!
Anon at 10:58 says
My day is fine, thanks. I’m glad I didn’t offend you. I thought announcing you were done with the thread was a sign you were offended but I’m happy I was wrong. I’m mostly just confused about what a comment about Scandinavian and Eastern European names has to do with POC since the countries in those regions are demographically much, much whiter than the United States, and the name we were discussing is not one that’s used widely by POC in the US or any other country that I know of. I also think it’s interesting that you assumed I’m of European descent and don’t have a “weird” name. I think this page is pretty ethnically diverse and am sort of curious why your default assumption is that everyone here is a white woman named Jennifer.
It’s been made pretty clear to me through the years, based on posts/reactions to my posts on specific subjects (e.g. these name threads – not just this one) that most of the posters here are White (and again, nothing wrong with that – I use this board a ton). Sometimes I think I’m one of very few WOC that reads/posts actively here, so glad you’re here.
FWIW, there’s a Soren in my kid’s class with a long last name that has a ton of consonants and ends in -ski. I think his parents said it was a family name on his mom’s side. To each their own. :)
Okay, not sure on Russian, but friends trying to choose boy names that work well in multiple languages and with multiple heritages have gone Felix and Leo, both of which I really like!
Tobias, Andre/ Andres, Max, Nico? I also like Stephen/ Stefan.
Vicky Austin says
I really like your taste today, GCA! Tobias is one of my favorites.
I was also going to suggest Henry.
Baby names - boy edition says
I really like Tobias but Arrested Development is one of our favorite shows and so it’s a no – go :)
I blew myself Michael!
Ha! Oh no – now I cannot unsee David Cross.
I definitely found boy names harder than girl names! I also love Nico.
Alexander/ Alexey/ Alexei
Thomas- or any variation
Baby names - boy edition says
Oh, and it should go with his sister’s name, which is along the lines of Natalia/Tatiana/Katerina/Nadia/Juliana.
I have good friends who have a Natalia (Natasha) and Maxim (Max).
Alexander (Alex), Maxwell (Max), Lucas, Samuel (Sam)
I have my own baby Max, so I am biased toward that one!
Max is *so* popular right now. I thought I was going off the beaten path with Maxim, but he has another Maxim in addition to a Maximus on his sportsball team. I was at a place with tons of young kids over the weekend, and I heard at least 5 different families talking to a little Maxwell/Max/Maximilian.
(I’m the 11:31 anon) That’s funny! In my area, I don’t know any other kids named Max. My husband has always wanted to name his son Max (he first told me this 10+ years ago), so we didn’t even consider other names. I actually was more worried it had become more popular as a dog’s name haha!
Now I want to find a regional map of Max density!
you’re right about the dog name, we’ve noticed it’s right up there with Spot as a generic dog name in older books. Including, notably, How The Grinch Stole Christmas. :)
There is a kid in my son’s class named Magnus, which I kinda liked as a Max alternative.
With my very Eastern European last name, we have an Alexander and a Maxim. (hi, friends!) We also considered Peter, Nicholas, Dmitri, Sergei and Ivan
I’ll add that my daughter’s name and its first runner-up are in your list at 11:29. I like your style!
Ooh! I really like Ivan.
Ha, this thread was made for me! In the same position…
I like Victor, Matthias, Dimitri, Aleksei, and Nicolai (but don’t like Nico, which I know would end up happening). There are other more traditional Russian names I also like (Pavel, Vasily), but probably wouldn’t use in the U.S.
anon a mouse says
I like Lev.
A kid in my son’s kindergarten class was named Lev, and my son thought his name was “Love” for the longest time! Probably the nicest name mistake ever, but seriously, it was like February before he figured it out, and even then he’d say love first and then correct himself.
Similar heritage and three boys names I really liked but did not use are Felix, Lukas and Noah.
Boy names I never got to use:
Anyone feel like babymoon daydreaming for me? DH and I are willing to have a lux (for us) babymoon for a week. We typically take action packed trips, and are thinking more resort for babymoon. Kicker is that we are looking at going in January right before third trimester. Open to going anywhere in the US, but would love somewhere warm where we can lay by the pool, play golf, eat good food, and go for an easy hike or two. Budget is ~$10k. We looked into Hawaii last night and it was overwhelming.
Birthday gift ideas for a 10 year old girl? My daughter got invited to a neighbor’s birthday party. We just moved in a few months ago and the girls don’t know each other super well. Bday girl’s mom said she didn’t have any suggestions or ideas! Any recent favorites for this age, $20-25ish range?
Mary Moo Cow says
My 10 year old niece loves to make her own squishes from a craft kit (target or michael’s?) I love to give books, so I would also consider a book your own daughter loves.
My ten year old would love
– fancy school supplies like sparkly glitter pens
– pouches and purses
-clothes or fuzzy slippers or sweatshirts or hair accessories
– baking or cooking supplies or kits
My 10 year old would love any crafts (painting/resin art or rainbow loom or some sort of kit) or Lego kits (Friends/Dots/Harry Potter) or maybe stickers/book & gift card to Target? If she has an American Girl type doll, the My Generation accessories from Target are also good.
Awesome, thanks all!
Mine just turns 10. Big hits:
– gift cards (Starbucks, target, whatever)
– glitter ponytail hat
– jibbetz for her crocs
– bubblegum machine (coin operated, filled with skittles).
-spa stuff: slippers, hand cream, body wash etc.
– mine plays a lot of sports so sports accessories (crazy soccer socks, headbands, bright laces for cleats, gear bag, team sweatshirt, that sort of thing).
Follow up from yesterday says
Follow-up from yesterday’s post – my late talking 13 month old who has maybe said a word but it’s not quite clear definitely said a word yesterday. Our nanny’s name! Ha. Working parenthood is so rewarding, isn’t it?
(She maaaay have already said Mama, she definitely hasn’t said Dada yet)
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
FWIW – I don’t think this is “late”. I think it’s like 1-2 words by one year, and then a few more by 18 months, and then onwards.
My 21-month-old/almost 2 year old is not near ~50 words (where he “should” be), but I see him adding a few words here and there, with a few muddled phrases, and I’m good. He also can identify things, follows directions, etc. We’ll re-assess in a few months to see if he’d benefit from speech therapy, but I’ve heard plenty of instances (here and IRL) where talking didn’t really take off until 2-2.5.
Yeah I wouldn’t call a kid late talking because they have 1 or 2 words at 13 months. Our daughter had 1 word at 13 months (“dat” as in pointing at everything and saying “dat?”) and no suggested she was late. Our ped wanted I think 10 words at 15 months, and we had that just barely, but language picked up a lot between 16 and 18 months and completely exploded after 18 months. The impression I got from our pediatrician was that our timeline was pretty average, e.g., not early but not late.
I’m the OP from that post and I’m happy for you! I asked her daycare teachers today and they’re not concerned. They see a LOT of babies and I trust their judgment. I’m excited to hopefully be in your shoes soon and hear that first clear word!! So exciting
for your sake, I hope it’s not the daycare teacher’s name, but honestly it’s good for kids to be surrounded by lots of people they love who love them so I’ll take it!
Sorry didn’t mean “late” like “late is bad” just maybe “Later” let’s say! Like a little bit behind her older siblings!
My pediatrician noticed one of my son’s words before I figured it out – it is possible she’s talking more than you realize. My son also learned some Russian from daycare, which went right over my head.
My oldest’s first word was “Da” but it was 100% “dog.” ;)
My second was “da” but it was “dad.”
My third was “Ma” but it was very obviously her sister (Molly).
You can’t win!
Aww! I only have one but she also had words for dog (dugoo) and daddy (da-die) before me.
Well, my 15-month old says “mama” but he also calls the dog and our handyman “mama”, lol.
(He has some other words, but this one made me laugh.)
My second kid is treat obsessed. They want food treats all the time and when denied can trigger huge meltdowns. This kid does love food and there is always plenty in our house. We don’t restrict quantities of food the kids can eat, I bake with the kids at least once a week and they are welcome to eat whatever we make, but if given the choice, this kid would literally gorge themselves on candy until vomiting. (This has happened). I don’t serve “treats” at every meal, but at least once a day they get a cookie, candy, etc. Last night they had a gummy from a birthday treat bag and then lost their mind when I said one was enough for the day. There’s no growth issues, no picky eating – kid will happily eat. But the treat fixation is getting to me… Any advice (especially with halloween coming)?
I think your kid will very likely learn to self-regulate a bit better, especially if he/she experiences natural consequences from gorging (it may take a few tries). I’m glad you’re not being overly restrictive because what did NOT work for me growing up was when my fatphobic parents severely restricted treats – it turned my natural sweet tooth into a “forbidden fruit” obsession and contributed to disordered eating. As an adult, I can now self-regulate and have found that intuitive eating really works for me. I feel better, treats are a part of my life and I enjoy them, and I’m happy/active/healthy. Trust that your kiddo will get there too.
+1 agree with all this. Also how old is this kid? 3 vs 9 is very different.
We had this with my second, too (4). I think part of it for him was not knowing if/when treats were coming — basically, a scarcity/uncertainty thing. We dealt with it by being much more regular about it — (1) giving him “candy” (actually fruit leather but fundamentally the same thing) in the car every day at daycare pickup, (2) always giving him a piece of chocolate after dinner if requested, and (3) if/when he asks for more, I offer to put a piece in his lunch for tomorrow and then follow through. So, if he says “I want another gummy worm!” I say “great, I will put some in your lunch tomorrow.”
We also let him have unlimited amounts of “treats” (to experience the consequences) probably once every couple of months. On Halloween, at a birthday party, on Christmas morning. Inevitably he feels terrible afterwards and that “resets” him a bit.
Treat op says
I like this – maybe the certainty would help kid to stop asking for more treats. Maybe a bit more structure around when treat foods are dispensed.
Unlimited candy on Halloween night and then either throw the rest out or dole out one piece per day. You could send the one piece in the lunchbox so they can’t argue for more because you are not there to argue with.
+ 1 on the unlimited candy as a Halloween night treat. We do max one piece a day thereafter and the rest gets donated at end of November. Local homelessness shelter takes it to add to their lunches.
Vicky Austin says
Can you offer non-food treats as an alternative to requested food treats? Or is that a denial in kid’s mind?
Treat op says
This is considered a cruel trick in the kids mind!
Vicky Austin says
i also have a treat obsessed kid. and did the thing where you serve dessert with dinner, try not to put treats on a pedestal etc. i wouldnt say i restrict, but on Sunday we had two parties with lots of treats and after two cupcakes, two chocolate chip muffins and a smore at the first one, i had the kids chose one treat at the second one to eat there, and one we could take to put in their lunch the next day. To be honest, I don’t know that I would say I’m a treat obsessed adult, but I’m very all or nothing. I cannot eat just one cookie. I either eat none or ten.
My kids love treats but I have no problem saying “we already had a cookie today and a hot chocolate. Too much sugar can make you puke and you might not sleep well”. I’m not fat phobic but I can’t in my right mind let my kids consume 100+ grams of sugar on the daily. They have dessert every day. I find it annoying as well but figure they’ll outgrow it.
Yeah, kids just want sugar all the time. Just like they want to play video games all day and never go to school or cut their fingernails. Sometimes the parent has to be the adult and enforce limits.
I’m confused by the notion that you don’t restrict their quantities of food. How else to kids learn what a serving size is? As soon as they can read, we teach them how to find the serving sizes on packages. And before that you can use other methods like a one cup scoop for pasta.
We don’t eat any diet foods and eat normal kid foods like pasta and chicken fingers but like you are not getting a fifth chicken finger if you haven’t finished your salad. It’s definitely not sugar free but like maple syrup with waffles is not unlimited. Take 2 tablespoons full and pass to your sister.
I bake all the time and treats are delicious and fun and awesome (dessert last night was leftover birthday cake) but treats all the time is not healthy for our bodies and does not give our bodies the right energy and nutrition to run, grow and play. I find acknowledging that I wish I could eat treats all the time helps. Like of course we want to eat cupcakes for breakfast everyday but then we would not have enough energy for school and it would be hard to pay attention. Cupcakes for breakfast is birthdays only.
That’s the thing with intuitive eating – you end up NOT wanting to eat cupcakes for breakfast because you learn how your body responds best to different types of energy intake. I don’t know anyone who has tried IE who has ended up wanting to eat cake all the time – far from it. Personally, I’ve learned that I do best having my treats right after lunch or dinner and not as snacks. I get too much of a sugar crash if it’s the sole item being consumed (which eliminates cupcakes as a breakfast item). Knowing that it’s not off-limits and that I COULD eat cupcakes anytime, though, has helped me so much mentally. I no longer feel the urge to restrict and follow arbitrary “rules” the way I once did.
Also, re: serving sizes, intuitive eating teaches you to listen to your body’s signals rather than to follow serving sizes on packages, which don’t always align with your hunger levels or energy needs. If I followed the serving size and ate 1 oatmeal cookie while riding my mountain bike in the high country, I’d bonk and never make it home. You also don’t get serving size information for homemade meals/treats because there’s no packaging, so you need another way to figure out what you need. Kids can (and should!) learn how to recognize their hunger and satiety signals.
Intuitive eating does not work for everyone. There are people whose bodies’ signals just don’t work or who can ignore them. I have a friend who will keep eating after she knows she is full because she enjoys the taste. She has to pre-portion her food or she will eat so much that she’s uncomfortable, even though she doesn’t *want* to overeat. My husband will also just keep eating and eating until there is no more food left. His typical snack is about 1,000 calories because he won’t stop until the package is empty. Portion control doesn’t work because he just eats four single-serve packages.
Kids value instant gratification way more than future comfort. If you let a kid eat until he’s sick over and over again he might eventually learn that he should stop eating when he’s full or he’ll throw up, but it takes a lot of time and maturity to get to that point. It is up to parents to help guide healthy, reasonable eating behavior.
I mean, nothing is a magic bullet for everyone but let’s not forget that a lot of this happens because people grow up being taught to restrict food and thus to fear their appetite and believe it is boundless and also to eat whatever they can whenever they can because it feels like a sparse resource. It’s the same behavior you see in people raised with food insecurity but the food insecurity was mental not physical.
Now no idea about your friend or husband obviously. Again nothing works for everyone. But a lot of times this is a thing precisely because our own body signals have been something to read and disregard for so long.
And yes of course I don’t just toss a cake on the table every night and tell my kid to go wild. Parents are responsible for serving kids a variety of foods that are nutritious. But I also don’t have her measure pasta which I find horrifying to think of a small child learning to do.
I find it super weird that you are ‘horrified’ by a child learning to measure a standard serving size of pasta. This is how people end up thinking American restaurant portions are a normal amount of food for one person to eat at one time.
Sorry but policing how hungry your kid should be on any given day based on arbitrary package designations is messed up. You’re actually encouraging the exact thing that you think you’re discouraging which is cycles of binging because you’re teaching your kids that their appetites are boundless and that only willpower will check them. And willpower will always fail. Then they’ll feel guilty and food becomes forbidden fruit.
Instead you should be teaching them that their body knows how much food they need at any given time. Sometimes that’s less than a “serving size”; sometimes more.
Listen I get that a lot of us – myself included – grew up with a lot of disordered beliefs and behaviors around food. Those of us who are lucky didn’t have our adolescence or a portion or all of our adulthoods destroyed by this. Not all of us are lucky. Regardless, we all need to try and do better for our kids and that might involve some education on our part.
This is analogous to the yelling discussion. Just because many of us survived our Boomer parents doing it doesn’t make it ok.
My husband did not grow up with any restrictions on food. He and his sister used to demolish an entire box of cereal as a snack every time their mom came home from the grocery store. So I would say that lack of moderation and guidance in childhood is more likely to be the cause of overeating.
Also you all need to stop fear mongering about restaurant portion sizes. Everyone knows doggie bags exist for God’s sake! This is such a non-issue that you use to throw at people you don’t think are smart or educated or thin enough, and thus basically just classist doggerel. (“Oh THOSE people who go to Walmart then eat at OLIVE GARDEN.”
Was your husband raised in a household where he was taught how to recognize his hunger and satiety signals? Is he working on recognizing those signals now (has he heard of IE)? IE may not work for everyone (nothing does), but what you’re describing isn’t actually IE. That sounds like someone who is very much NOT recognizing and honoring hunger signals.
I find this notion of unlimited food for kids fascinating. So, as a family of five we would make a 500g box and give everyone about a 100g which is about a 1 cup scoop – this is slightly more than a serving size and what the kids are used to from Italy (where we usually meet up with DH’s family for vacation). Then add sauce and side of veggies. How does IE work? You just keep making pasta until they puke and want to stop? Do you never say, you need to drink your glass of water to check if your body is hungry or thirsty? You never say, let’s wait 20 minutes to see if your body tells your brain it is full? Do they get to pick to eat just plain pasta for supper?
We have active sporty kids who fight over the cherry tomatoes and licking the frosting bowl equally but they also know enough about nutrition to find it weird that grandma only drinks juice or tea and never drinks water. I’m really confused how your kids know what their bodies need if you don’t teach them basic nutrition. Like our freezer always has dark chocolate and we have a different fruit for dessert at night and cake or cookies a few times a week but I don’t understand IE for kids where they just eat whatever they want whenever they want. Do they also get unlimited internet?
To the impassioned IE poster: Actually, your original comment implies that IE is what’s based on willpower. You are relying on people to voluntarily choose not to eat cupcakes for breakfast because they value a future benefit (not getting sick) more than a current benefit (yum). You can’t just make everything available in unlimited amounts and expect people not to gorge themselves on sweets. With parenting you need to create structure that ingrains healthy habits: toothbrushing, going to bed on time, engaging in fun exercise, and eating a balanced healthy diet with access to reasonable portions of treats. Then your kids grow up just assuming that they will live that way and keep doing it.
Good grief. Anon, were you raised in a household where you were only allowed half a grapefruit for breakfast and one cup of air-popped popcorn for a snack and a Lean Cuisine for dinner?
FYI, there are multiple Anons on this thread – it’s not all the same person. I’m the OP of the IE comment and I learned the hard way that restrictive rules (which yes, are different from guidelines) were really, really negative for me. There was a thread here a few years ago about IE and several commenters mentioned knowing friends or relatives whose parents severely restricted their treat intake and how “my friend ate 10 cupcakes at once at a party and I never forgot it.” That could’ve been me. That’s how I acted. I spent years being miserable about it and trapped in a very disordered cycle. I think it’s well worth considering whether well-intentioned food rules might actually have harmful effects. They did for me.
What IE looks like as an adult: I take time to make meals I enjoy and to try new cuisines when we travel. I find the fun in having the perfect treat (i.e., homemade ice cream on a hot day). I enjoy using seasonal produce and making huge, colorful, pretty salads. I don’t label any foods as “good” or “bad,” especially around my family. I don’t panic if I can’t find something “healthy” to eat at the airport. Some people tell me that they think IE results in thinking about food too much, but for me, it’s been the total opposite. I eat, move on, and enjoy spending my time on other things (funnily enough, I don’t actually enjoy cooking or baking!). It can really vary, but I had such a negative experience growing up with restriction and only found healing through IE.
No of course you don’t make pasta and let kids eat until they puke. This is so weird how extreme everyone is being. I don’t give my kid unlimited sweets either. But if we’ve finished the pasta I made for dinner and she’s still hungry, I also don’t say “sorry, that’s what kids eat in Italy.” I get her something else.
Incidentally, it rarely happens because kids don’t actually usually want to eat until they puke. She asks for more if she wants more. If she asks for a second ice cream (like usually the mini trader joes cones) I usually don’t say ye, though sometimes I might, because we talk about how eating a variety of foods fuels and nourishes your body better. It’s a rule of reason. But literally none of that involves thinking that if I let her eat when she’s hungry and stop when she’s full instead of telling her what a serving should be and making sure she knows how to read packages as soon as she can read that she will eat until she pukes.
Listen, I don’t know you. I don’t know if you’re bad at explaining what you’re doing or actually instilling disordered eating in your kids. You do you. But I stand by my comments that kids should not be taught to measure out grams of pasta full stop.
The person saying Italians eat exactly 100 grams of pasta (lol, what!?) has clearly never met an Italian grandma. We did a homestay-type thing in Italy this year and all the sweet older women there were so obsessed with feeding us more, more, more. We all ate until we were stuffed at every meal!! I wasn’t weighing the pasta but I’m sure it was waaaay more than 100g per person, even for our kid. But who cares? I don’t count calories or grams of pasta on vacation. This thread seems to be filled with disordered attitudes towards food (and fwiw I’m someone who does intermittent fasting at home and regularly gets accused of having an eating disorder on the main page because I naturally gravitate towards an 11 am to 7 pm eating schedule, lol).
No kid that is not a competitive athelete need anything other than serving sizes.
If kids followed IE they would easily eat cupcakes for breakfast lunch and dinner. Kids don’t know about eating different foods and trying different ways of cooking things unless parents show them. Maybe you don’t like steamed broccoli but you love it roasted with olive oil. I hate Chesnuts but my husband and oldest kid will eat buckets of roasted chestnuts. You can’t know what your body wants unless you know what the options are. It’s literally a parent’s job to provide a wide variety of healthy food and restrict junk so they don’t fill themselves up on sugar. How is this even a question? Like we don’t let kids have unlimited screen time, they don’t get unlimited junk food.
No one is hitting the WHO recommendation of 50 g of sugar a day if they are an elementary aged kid and just eating what they want based on how they feel. Parenting involves making your kids make healthy choices whether not watching hours of youtube or not eating sugar whenever they want. It’s literally our job to teach them what our bodies need to stay healthy. Like, I’ll give you lots of choice in what vegetables you want but the kid doesn’t get to say IE and not eat veggies.
Don’t tell your kids how hungry they should be. This comment is scary stuff.
OMFG – you are clearly just trolling at this point. Where did I say that I tell my kids how hungry they are? It’s like you don’t think that kids eat for boredom.
If you’re saying that they shouldn’t need more than the portion size that you’ve decided they should need, you’re telling them how hungry they should be. Of course people sometimes eat out of boredom but you can’t determine that for any given person at any given time – even kids – based on a predefined portion size.
Eh I think I’m a fairly intuitive eater, at least in the sense that I listen to my body and eat when hungry and don’t eat when full, but it hasn’t curbed my wicked sweet tooth, which has been very strong since childhood. I regularly eat cookies or muffins with chocolate chips in them for breakfast. It tastes good and doesn’t make me feel bad and I’m a healthy weight — why not?
Everyone I know what claims to like IE seems super food obsessed. Food is a super small part of life. IE seems to involve constantly monitoring how hungry or not you are. Just eat a reasonably healthy dinner and move on. I can’t imagine spending that much time thinking about food.
I have the opposite experience, actually. My friends who are constantly dieting seem to be hyper-focused on all things food and body size and the intuitive eaters (not many, admittedly) are the ones talking about other things.
Eating a reasonably healthy dinner and moving on is what IE is for me. It means eating until I’m hungry and stopping. Done. It takes time to train yourself to do that if you were raised to obsess over portion sizes and calories and what’s healthy and not. Once you have the hang of it, it’s much less energy than any of that.
If “just eating a healthy dinner and moving on” seem simple to you, it’s probably because you haven’t ever dealt with disordered eating. Which is great but sadly not universal.
I find the horror at American restaurant portions weird too. I almost never finish a meal in a restaurant. My kid does normally but 1) kids portion sizes are more reasonable and 2) she’s picky so she might eat the whole hamburger patty but leave over the bun or something like that. Also I travel a lot and I don’t think other countries are really that different? There is so much pearl-clutching by a certain type of American about how grotesque our portion sizes are, but I have definitely (for example) received huge plates of pasta in Italy (some of them in restaurants where everyone but us was speaking Italian, so not just a “clearly-they’re-catering-to-tourists” thing). I dunno it just feels very snobbish to me to be an American who complains about American portion sizes, like you think you’re sooo much more sophisticated than everyone else who lives here.
Having your child measure out a scoop of pasta or check package serving sizes as soon as they can read is pretty extreme and putting them at high risk for eating disorders. Nobody is saying you should give them cupcakes of breakfast but the focus generally should be on teaching them to listen to their bodies about when they’ve had enough. You realize package servings aren’t a normative statement about how much you “should” eat, right? You should eat as much as you need to not be hungry. That might be a lot or a little. And of course a variety of foods is important which is something we can learn from how our bodies feel when we’re hungry and after we’ve eaten.
This is not even remotely true. Do you really believe this? Wow.
You’re saying “wow” in response to a comment saying we can teach our kids to recognize hunger and fullness instead of measuring what they eat starting from BEFORE THEY ARE EVEN LITERATE? Truly, maybe do some reading in this field?
I can’t figure out how to make this appear right in the chain but the person who is measuring serving sizes of pasta – you are correct, I let my children eat as much of the items offered for a meal as they want if those items are still available. So, let’s say I make one box of pasta for dinner. I guesstimate how hungry they are for the first serving.c but they are welcome to have seconds if seconds are still available. Sometimes I have seconds too (gasp). I might say finish the other food on your plate first but am not going to require seconds of carrots before more pasta. If we were to run out of pasta, if they were still hungry they can eat any remaining dinner items and after that they can have a banana or string cheese. I have one kid in particular who is usually extremely hungry at dinner and no, I’m not going to make him wait 20 min to see if he’s still hungry.
+1000 I decide what to offer and they decide what they want to eat. If there is more available, they can have more. If there isn’t anything else available, they are offered something like fruit, yogurt, or cheese. Some days that is two helpings (not measuring at all) of pasta and no veggies. Other days, it’s two helpings of veggies or fruit and one bite of pasta.
But you are limiting them because you are limiting what you offer. Kid asks for more pasta and you say there is not more but have some cheese or fruit. You’ve limited how much pasta they can have by how much you cook. That’s not unlimited at all.
Nobody advocates making sure kids have an unlimited amount of every food available. That’s a total straw man.
Saying “you can’t have more pasta because there’s no pasta left; if you’re still hungry you can eat something else” seems very very different to me than saying “the box of pasta says a serving size is 100 grams so you can’t have more than 100 grams.” Do you really not see a difference between those two statements?
The comment about encouraging kids to read portion sizes on boxes as soon as they can read (!) is what really seems disordered to me. A 5 or 6 year old does not to be thinking in terms of grams or calories. The vast majority of kids do not regularly overeat to the point of vomiting, and if a child is doing that I think the approach should be focused around listening to your body and not eating when you’re not hungry (and if this is a regular issue, I would be asking a ped for a nutritionist consult as well). Not “the box says XYZ so XYZ is what you get.”
How does your house define “treat”?
We accidentally became the family whose kid thinks hummus is a “treat” for carrots. Let’s you think I’m some kind of weirdo, it’s only one of my three kids ;).
Hahaha. My daughter’s BFF’s favorite food is broccoli and she makes her mom remove the frosting from a cupcake before she eats it because otherwise it’s “too sweet.” As far as I can tell our families have similar approaches to food (serving balanced meals, not forcing kids to eat things they don’t want or depriving them of treats) and my daughter is…literally the exact opposite. Will not eat any vegetable except romaine lettuce and would eat an entire tub of frosting in one sitting if we let her. (I have a crazy sweet tooth, so she comes by it honestly.)
That kind of thinking can be really helpful for getting kids to enjoy new foods, though! Sauces and dips can absolutely fill in that “treat factor.” How many of us dealt with parents/grandparents who served plain steamed broccoli so it would be “fat free” when a dab of butter or a spoonful of olive oil would’ve improved the taste dramatically while also adding healthy, necessary fat to the meal? Hummus is the same – it adds nutrition, makes a meal more “fun,” and can increase satiety.
1) How old are the kids?
2) One gummy? I’d be pretty upset too if I was only allowed one gummy. ;)
3) Treat bags like that are hard because the kids know that there are so many good things in there. Because they are so few and far between, I do let my 3 year old graze on what she wants from those types of things. Then, once we move on to something else, the bag goes out of sight and will not return until at least the next day. That’s what we plan on doing for Halloween. Graze on what she wants on the night of and then it is out of sight until the next day when she can have one or two items. I’ve also found that if I limit something like candy to “just one”, I’m in for a fight, but if I say “okay, you can have two”, she feels like she won/had some control and is satisfied with that.
It’s almost tights season, yay! What are the MOST COMFORTABLE tights around? Basically I want leggings level of comfort, except tights.
Wolford Velvet De Luxe. I like the 50 denier for a little dressier look, but the 66 denier are fully opaque and more legging-like.
I don’t think that exists. I actually wore tights this weekend for the first time since early 2020 and decided there is no room for tights in my post-pandemic life (WFH and basically never have events that require me to wear a dress or skirt in the winter – if I wanted to wear a dress somewhere in cold weather I would probably just wear leggings under it).
Vicky Austin says
following with interest!
Commando with the wide waist. They are not super cheap, but last a long time.
Hue. I keep some around in a size up, for when I want to be more comfy.
The absolute best tights I own don’t have a tag, but I got them from Costco pre COVID. I usually wear tights 3-4 times a week, and they are still amazing. Haven’t seen tights in Costco since but if you see them, they are amazing!! I have never had any snag.
Have any of you made the decision to move closer to family now that your jobs are mostly hybrid/remote? DH’s job has been remote since 2020. He goes into the office once a week but has no requirement to do so. I am moving in-house to a job that is hybrid but can be done remotely. We have a toddler and no local family. We really like our current city and have lived here a long time, but the COL here is rapidly increasing and is much higher than the cities our families live. Schools are also much better in the cities our families live.
We currently live in a city neighborhood in a house that we are rapidly outgrowing. We have friends here, but most of our friends with kids have already moved to the suburbs. Our original plan was to move from our house to a more suburban area in the next few years… but recently we have started considering trying to make the move to a city near our families. (Initially, we had both ended up here due to better job options, but this just seems like less of a concern due to remote work and our current experience/seniority levels than it did 10+ years ago.) Anyone make a similar move?
My concern about this would be remote work getting walked back and then you’re stuck somewhere with limited job opportunities. It’s pretty clear five days in the office is not happening again at most employers, but at least at my employer they’re starting to walk back our fully remote work arrangements and starting to expect people to come in for big meetings and events. I think by next year we will probably be expected in the office at least one day a week. And even for remote jobs, many employers will want you to live in the general region so you won’t have a ton of options if he needs to or wants to leave his current job. I desperately want to get a new job, but even in my very remote-friendly field I can’t find anything that is fully remote and hiring from anywhere in the country, only jobs that are fine with you coming in one or two days a week and a handful of jobs that are remote but expect you to live in that state or a neighboring one. It’s really frustrating.
Also if you haven’t already, it’s worth broaching with your parents or in-laws whether they’d be open to moving to you. My parents did that, and it’s been really wonderful for all of us. And it benefits them as well as me, since it’s much easier for me to help them as they age now that they’re close by.
All three cities are within a 2-3 hour drive of each other, so quarterly meetings aren’t an issue. The job I’m taking has conferences that would require travel from whichever city I’m in. The hybrid component seems to be up in the air, and this industry as a whole seems to be largely remote jobs.
Unfortunately, both of our siblings have moved back to the cities we are from, so we don’t really stand a chance at getting parents to move to us.
We moved to be near my in-laws when we were first married, before we had kids. It was more because we liked and could afford the location than because we were counting on seeing the in-laws frequently; their presence was more of a bonus. It’s a good thing we took that attitude because shortly after we moved, they decided to become snowbirds and spend half the year 800 miles away. The rest of the time they are traveling or busy. We see them maybe once a month during the six months when they are in residence.
I also have some perspective from the other side of the issue. My younger SIL and her family moved in a mile from me several years after we moved here, and I have grown to resent their presence to some degree. They only want to hang out with us when they need extra people around to wrangle their kids, and they are forever demanding babysitting at the last minute. SIL is also very extroverted and bossy and has a tendency to invade my social circle and activities and try to push me out of the way, which is super annoying when I’ve invested years in building relationships. So tread cautiously in terms of your expectations and be sure you genuinely want to spend time with your relatives, not just that you want favors and unpaid labor from them.
This is my concern. We would be more likely to move closer to my in-laws. I do think it’s possible MIL may not be available for as much childcare as we hope– so if we made the move it wouldn’t solely be for that. I really like my SIL and her friends, but I also have never lived near her… and she seems to always require random late-notice childcare.
IME, if you have a gut feeling MIL won’t be as available for childcare as you’d like, the reality will be 10x worse. We moved to be close to family and have help with the kids, and we got very little support. It was very disappointing that we uprooted our lives, and no one seemed to care. And, taking a step back, why should they? They didn’t ask us to do that. But yeah.
You know your family best. Sometimes what’s best for the relationship is keeping a bit of distance, visiting occasionally, and all sides keeping up the polite fiction that you “wish you could see each other more.” Rather than having the actual option to see each other all the time, and then one side doesn’t actually care to bother.
Exactly—you moved and demanded help with the kids. Your family members weren’t part of that decision.
The quality of the schools will be a huge factor in your general quality of life. As far as remote work goes, in both my field and my husband’s field the current labor market is a national one with full-time remote expected by all candidates as an option. Both of our employers just closed most of their office space, so the change is likely to be permanent. My employer couldn’t hire anyone to work in person even before the pandemic. As long as you’re willing to travel to make a quarterly appearance and you’re in a field where remote work is common, I wouldn’t worry too much.
TL/DR I would not move away you’re willing to do a long-distance commute or you have your remote work arrangement clearly defined in your employment agreement. In any case, make sure your employer is aware of your physical location.
What’s happening in my company right now: Due to an acquisition and change in leadership direction, everyone is now required to be in the office three days/week. Anecdotally, there are several people in my department who up and moved during the pandemic, and all of a sudden they live in Austin and are expected to work in LA. If people got their move approved and documented in the HR system before they did it, they’re generally OK, but exceptions after-the-fact are case by case and my dept isn’t approving them.
I’ve never seen a remote work employment agreement that doesn’t have a clause saying it can be revoked at any time. Mine definitely has the clause.
We didn’t move, but we do live close to a lot of our family, and it is important for us. We see aunts/uncles/grandparents frequently, and they often babysit, cover sick days, etc. Conversely, we have helped with elderly/sick relatives and moving/fixing things for family members, which is important to me because I think that kind of community and mutual obligations are important for kids to see/do. I get that this is not for everyone, but for us it is great.
As somewhat of a counterpoint, my parents live a mile from us and while it’s wonderful from a relationship perspective and it brings so much joy to both them and our kid, having them so close has not really helped us with childcare very much. We don’t use them for sick days because they’re in their 70s and even a cold can turn into a bad bronchitis for my mom. They spend a lot of one on one time with our kid, but it’s primarily by picking her up early from daycare, which doesn’t really save us any time or money. When they spend time with my daughter on weekends, I’m normally there. My kid is still in daycare and I can see how it has more impact in elementary with the early end to the school day and lack of summer care, but at least for now it has actually been surprising to me how little having them nearby improves logistics especially given how involved and helpful they are. Emotionally though, it’s great.
I guess I should add that we are gradually better at handing things off to them in a way that actually makes life easier for us. I had my mom take kiddo to Target this weekend to buy a winter coat, and my parents are going to a fall party at daycare today in our stead. But they’ve been near us for almost two years now and it’s only in the last month or two that we are proactively delegating them stuff like that. For me at least, it’s something that I really have to consciously work at, even with parents who are kind and want to be helpful. Just something to keep in mind.
We did this about two years ago! I am a huge fan- my husband is more conflicted. The main positive is that the suburb we now live in is a great place to raise a family: excellent public schools, great pediatricians, affordable after-school activities, etc. We also really appreciate being able to call my parents for help when we are in a pinch. Plus the cost of living is much lower. On the negative side, we miss being close to our friends and the vibe of the city. We do have to travel more for work as well. We talk about moving back to the city some day but my guess is we won’t because we’ll hesitate to take our older daughter away from her friends (and her excellent school).
We made the move from East coast city to current city (major city/not on the main coasts) and haven’t looked back. Granted, we didn’t have the remote arrangement – DH’s company has an office here, and he travels back to the “home” office a bit and has other work travel, and I found a new job here. I grew up here, we have tons of family here (immediate and extended), and many of my BFFs ended up here after college-grad school-living in other cities/countries.
I think it’s all about expectations and knowing what you are trading off. I’ve had plenty of friends move to find parents not as available, or parents who are available but live on the opposite end of the city, etc.
My kids see their cousins (my cousins’ kids) regularly, sleepover at my parents house, etc. One of my parents was basically here all the time for DS #2’s first year which was incredible. In a funny life twist, one of DH’s parents came to live with us temporarily one year ago and is still here. They are a HUGE help with household management and kid wrangling.
Downside is I am the polar opposite of my state politically, even though my city/county runs blue, that is a challenge.
We live near my in-laws (DH’s dad and step-mother, DH’s mom and step-father, and two step-sisters and their families). It is wonderful for my son to have relationships with his grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. We do spend a fair amount of time with my in-laws–we see DH’s dad’s family several times per month, and DH’s mom comes and goes, so sometimes we see a lot of her and sometimes not. In-laws babysit infrequently and are never available for sick days or “we need to be in 3 places at once” type of “emergencies.” And they were not reachable by phone during our medical emergency last summer (though we were looking for medical advice while we were traveling, not childcare). All four grandparents still work, one set travels pretty frequently, DH’s step-father has some chronic health issues, and they have other adult children and grandchildren to see as well.
Help me buy a birthday gift for my 8-year-old niece. Niece is quite grownup for her age and isn’t that into toys and games, from what I can tell. Possibly crafts would be okay if they hit the right notes. She’s very into beauty and makeup, but I don’t know what she owns already. Her main activity is cheer. I don’t trust myself to buy clothes for older kids.
If you live nearby, a girls’ morning or afternoon out with a manicure and lunch is fun. Many salons offer kiddie manicures.