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This silk charmeuse blouse looks dry clean only, but it’s completely machine washable!
You will reach for this beautiful blouse from M.M.LaFleur more than you think — you can change its look just by tying (or not tying) the neck tie or by wearing the sleeves flared or tapered depending on how you button the cuffs.
I love both the spring-y wisteria color and the practical pearl one. It’s the perfect underpinning for a suit or a V-neck sweater.
The Darcy Top is $325 and available in sizes XS–XXL.
Looking for other washable workwear? See all of our recent recommendations for washable clothes for work, or check out our roundup of the best brands for washable workwear.
Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Spring Mid-Season Sale: Up to 50% off 100s of styles
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
ML says
Does the Darcy blouse lay smooth or do you need to wear a special camisole under? My quince washable silk tee is unwearable because the tiniest bit of static makes it cling and bunch weird.
Anon says
Not sure about this blouse but that price tag is STEEP, even for MMLF. I feel like they’ve jumped the shark at this point, and my whole wardrobe was from there about five years ago.
anon says
MMLF’s stuff is gorgeous, but I can’t justify the price. Especially now that I’m on a hybrid schedule.
Anon says
I happened to come across this last night and after yesterday’s discussion about when it’s time to eliminate masks etc, I thought I would share. To me it makes sense to have a framework like this based on data to manage the ebbs and flows. Link in comments
Anon says
https://yourlocalepidemiologist.substack.com/p/riding-the-waves-a-framework-for
Anonymous says
This is exactly the kind of thing I am looking for from local leaders. I do not understand the black-and-white mentality many have on this. FWIW I am a liberal, science-believing nerdy gal from a blue state. And yet I am frustrated by the “100% mitigations until covid is not a risk at all” mentality that many seem to have in my area. I want nuance! Let’s get into the weeds together on this.
Anonymous says
This is also exactly what I am looking for, but I want to see it from the CDC. The total lack of leadership from the federal government is what has allowed the national Republican party and state and local leaders on both sides to turn mitigation into a black-and-white issue.
No Face says
This whole debacle made me glad that I live in a purple area. My red state acts like there was no pandemic (with terrible consequences) and the blue areas seem to extreme in the other end.
Anonymous says
I used to think this way, but our purple area has turned into red and blue polka dots over the past few years. Unfortunately we live in a small blue dot inside a slightly larger red dot, and red wins.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
+1 – I live in a red state/blue city with a terrible Governor who has made it almost impossible for local leaders to implement anything…BUT reading here and hearing from friends, the rules in deep blue places at times make 0 sense and sounds like it has caused just a lot more strain on families, specifically working mums. I’m grateful that we’ve had childcare without major disruption since Fall 2020 when we put DS #1 back in. (On the flip side, I wish we had kept our statewide mask mandate so it would be easier to go to museums, grocery store, etc. – all things we don’t do with the kids right now). I don’t think indoor dining for vaxxed/boosted people is a terrible idea, and I don’t think revering to 2020 pre-vaxx life is a reasonable ask. I do think clear guidance from the CDC is LONG overdue vs. “do your own risk analysis”.
Anonymous says
Does anyone know if the 85% vaccine threshold she is referring to is for people over age 5, over 18, everyone, ?
Anon says
i like this! one part that gives me pause is in the ‘orange’ zone, you are supposed to mask, but indoor dining is ok, which seems contradictory to me, though i suppose if you keep your mask on and only take it off when you are actually eating. another question i have is that i totally understand that vaccination rate only looks at the percentage of people vaccinated out of the percentage eligible to be vaccinated. i guess at this point the population for which there is no vaccine available is small, but it is still something!
where i live is unfortunately still in the red zone currently.
Anonymous says
I have never understood exceptions to mask rules for indoor dining. If it’s not safe to be indoors without a mask, then restaurants should be limited to takeout and outdoor dining. I assume indoor dining exceptions are an economic thing to avoid angering restaurant owners.
Anonymous says
Does anyone know if indoor dining has been a transmission hot zone? I do it rarely, but so stabby at the vaccine refusers that I’m just getting on with my (otherwise masked but for this) life.
Anonymous says
There are case studies of transmission in restaurants. See, e.g., the restaurant example here: https://www.erinbromage.com/post/the-risks-know-them-avoid-them
indoor dining says
There were a bunch of studies in China and Korea earlier on showing transmission from restaurants. It’s only common sense where maskless people sit closely indoors, including talking, for over an hour. Since we don’t have contact tracing in the US, we can’t exactly disprove that indoor dining is a transmission hot zone!
Clementine says
Ugh. I’ve been sitting at my desk for an hour (in office, masked and freezing in my cubicle) and I just… I have 0 motivation to do work.
I’ve been busting my butt for the last 2 weeks and all the ‘imminent’ work is done… but I need to do annoying, boring stuff. I know all the tricks and tips and will get it done, but just… I would take a personal day today if I could (I can’t)… and on that personal day I would paint trim in my house and listen to podcasts.
This might be burnout…
Boston Legal Eagle says
Can you leave early? That might give you some motivation to knock things out in the morning.
Spirograph says
Someone posted this video a while ago and I have it bookmarked for days like that. I don’t know if it helps motivation, but it does make me smile. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B2EI65ZEqYQ
Anonymous says
I have been singing this nonstop for weeks.
Clementine says
Lololol!
…I think I posted that! And have already listened to it!!! Glad you enjoy it too!
Spirograph says
hahaha well, thank you! I showed it to my husband back then and he was signing it this morning, too. It’s a delight, and captures my mood entirely too frequently.
Pogo says
I didn’t even have to click on this, I totally knew what this was haha.
Cb says
Ugh, you and me both. I sent a “I’m sorry I am so behind, totally understand if you want to move forward without me…” in hopes they’d take me up on that offer, but just got sympathy and a deadline extension instead.
This afternoon, I decided my February to do list was too messy, torn and scribbled on so I made a “second half of February” task list which I don’t think actually helped. We’re on strike from next week which just means that I have to cram more things into less time. At least the strike saves me a plane trip though?
Anonymous says
I have that same problem after a really busy period. I just want to rest on my laurels.
Mary Moo Cow says
I’m sorry, I can commiserate. What about taking a walk to get a really good coffee or pastry, and then enjoying that while you do the annoying stuff? Or that’s your reward for getting the annoying stuff done.
But, yeah, this might be burnout. Here’s hoping you can get that personal day soon!
Pogo says
So when I have those days that I accept that I need an easy day and phone it in. I do feel really good when I check off those back burner, annoying tasks, I just hate DOING it.
High Chair says
Is the Stokke Tripp Trapp worth it if my child is already 1.5 years old? I’ve been regretting not getting a better high chair for a long time but I’m just not sure if it’s worth the $$$ at this point. I guess I could probably sell it when my child is done with it (we’re not planning on anymore kids).
Anonymous says
I personally love it and didn’t get one until probably close to that age, but I got one very, very used and cheap. I couldn’t stomach the price brand new. I’m hoping to find another used one for the baby I have on the way!
Anon says
I think so. You will get many years out of it in chair mode. I recently switched my 4 and 6 year old to junior chairs because they couldn’t sit still in regular dining chairs (since their feet don’t touch the ground, it helps to have a rung/platform to rest their feet on and stabilize them). Then I bought the Tripp Trapp for my baby and plan to use it for a long time (it really is great!)
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes. We got these when my kids were around 2 and 4.5, and they still use them at 3 and 5.5, and they have many more years of use. Seats are adjustable for when the kids grow. Easy clean up too!
Anon says
I don’t know but I am thinking about buying one for my 2.5 year old . He won’t sit in a junior chair becuase it’s “too scary.”
Anonymous says
Fascinating, I have never heard the term “junior chair” in my life and here it’s been referenced twice in one thread- I had to Google it!
People seem to love the Stokke. But you may also be totally fine with regular chairs, which our kids have been in without incident since age 3.
Anonymous says
I had never heard the term either. My first thought was “her kid is second-chairing a trial? oh, wait…”
Anon says
i regret not getting them for my twins (now 3.75). we started with the ikea high chair, which i liked and then switched to booster seats, which they don’t love. i was just struggling with shelling out the money for something when i know we are done having kids.
AwayEmily says
Yes! My almost-6 year old and 4yo both still use them. They’re just really good, solid chairs.
Anon says
You might also look at the Ikea wooden toddler chairs. Mine started using her Ikea chair at around 2 yo and is still using it as a 5 yo. It’s lasted through two kids and has a smaller footprint than the TripTrapp. It also looks like real furniture, which I love.
Anon says
https://www.ikea.com/us/en/p/agam-junior-chair-black-70253541/
EP-er says
+1 We loved these and used them until the kids were maybe 8? Definitely a good value if you are only looking for a chair at the table. We just past them on to friends with small children.
Anonymous says
Yes! We were gifted one when my twins were 8 months and I bought a second one a week later because I loved it. They’re 12 months now and I think it’s worth the $$$$. My four year old also sits in them. I may end up buying him one secondhand at some point.
Mrs. Jones says
Our child is 11 and still uses that chair.
SC says
We bought one for our 6 year old this year, and it’s really helped him at meal time.
Redux says
How do you handle small financial gifts for your little kids? We live far away from our families so our parents will send small amounts of money for minor holidays– like a $20 check for Valentine’s day. Up to now I have just been comingling these checks with our regular finances, reasoning that I buy $20 worth of valentine’s day crap and just say it’s from grandma. E.g., let’s go pick out valentines for your classmates, courtesy of grandma! But my older kid (8) is starting to ask more questions, like, what did we do with the rest of the $20 since the valentines were $3.99? I justify it by saying, well the rest was used on the ingredients for the cookies we baked and those red leggings you got to wear to your class party. But that feels weirdly defensive and also sort of nickel and dimey and strange?
I love the sweet and generous sentiment behind the gift since the gparents are not around to treat my kids to a heart-shaped donut before school (or whatever sweet small things I imagine in-town gparents might do), but I don’t want to take on the added burden of shopping for a specific gift with that money, or taking my kid to Target every time a $20 check comes in the mail. But maybe I have to? That is, in fact, what the money is for. I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth, but I also don’t want to hand my kid a $20 and take her to Target for every minor holiday.
Anon says
Can you make a small transfer to a 529, savings account or other account for your kid each time these little checks come in? My kid likes to spend money on plastic crap at Target and then donates that toy within weeks the next time we are making a pile for Goodwill. So we stopped letting her blow her money each time she gets cash from a relative. She’s only five so the cost-benefit analysis of unnecessary purchases is still lost on her.
Mary Moo Cow says
When she was 5.5, DD bought this totally junky plastic princess make-up kit and was so disappointed when she opened it at home. A few months later, her little sister wanted it at the store, and DD said, “Don’t. It is a piece of junk.” Since then, she’s been more judicious about what she buys, with no lecture from me! Victory!
Anonymous says
This is exactly why letting kids make their own spending decisions with birthday money and allowances is important. They learn through experience how to prioritize, to evaluate potential purchases, and eventually to save for long-term goals, all before they are dealing with larger amounts of money where a mistake really matters.
Anon says
+1
anne-on says
This – my kiddo bought a blind bag toy (legos? cards? I forget) with his own money at a toy store around 6, but didn’t get the piece he wanted and was SO sad/angry. We discussed reading descriptions and reviews to understand what you’re buying/return policies and now he actively searches for reviews, best prices, etc. when he looks for gifts for his birthday and christmas lists.
Anon says
+2. Just based on the info given, along these lines I actually do think Anon at 10:31 should let the 5 year old blow the money on crap. While she won’t get the cost/benefit analysis, the next time in between gifts where she wants something frivolous she can be reminded that she can’t have it because she already spent the money she could have used on (crap toy), and it will eventually click that that (crap toy) wasn’t worth it.
anon says
+1. Kids have to be allowed to make mistakes when the stakes are low.
Anon says
so frugalwoods just had a blog post on teaching kids about money and to me this sounds like the perfect time to introduce some of the concepts she talks about. it was a similar thing where her kid got some of her own money. it does make your life slightly more complicated, but seems like your kid is identifying that they are ready to learn about money
anon says
Well — I WOULD take the approach of handing the kid $20 and going to Target or wherever. It’s not a bad thing to learn how to budget for wants. Or, you could tell the kids that grandma’s money is for a trip to the trampoline park, or whatever.
I think it’s kinda weird to spend gift money on classmates’ Valentines cards and cookie ingredients. Those are family expenses, IMO.
Anon says
To the last paragraph, I think a good litmus test would be, if grandma hadn’t sent the money, is the thing being claimed to being bought “with the gift money” something you the parent would have bought them anyway? If the answer is yes (like I suspect buying valentines cards for the class would be, which the kid probably knows), then it truly isn’t a gift for the kid because they aren’t getting anything incremental out of it, it then just became a gift for you the parent as it just subsidized what you would have otherwise spent.
(This comment isn’t so much for OP anymore who gave an update below and sounds like she came to a conclusion, but more general musings for anyone else following with interest).
Of course, my understanding is there are some high schoolers who are given full budgets and expected to pay for everything even things like that with their budgets, so it would be a gift to them in that case, but that doesn’t apply here, and even then they would obviously be the ones making that decision, not the parent.
Anon says
Can you get a piggy bank with save/spend/donate sections and break it up? It’s a good age to start teaching your kid about money and your family values around charity or mutual aid.
Curious says
That’s what we had!
Mary Moo Cow says
From ages 0-3, I kept it all, earmarked in an online savings account with the idea that when I deemed they were old enough, I would give it to them (with all 3 dollars of earned interest.) From ages 3-6, I split it, and gave them half to spend and I saved half. From 6 plus, I just give it to them. I cash the check and then go shopping with them, helping them do the math: if I want this stuffy and this art kit, do I have enough? Bless DD’s heart that she thinks she can buy an AG horse with $20. I mention saving so that they can actually buy the horse but that has gone over like a lead balloon. My thinking is, you’ve got your whole adult life to worry about saving and making not-fun choices, so enjoy the gift money while you are a young kid. It is also important to me to introduce cash and spend a little now vs. spend more later, but at this age, in a casual and low stakes way.
Realist says
I let my kid pick out a gift from the Target app or other online site. Coming in the mail, it feels like a gift. Sometimes I nudge towards something, but I let them pick it out. If they can’t decide or don’t seem really excited about anything, I encourage them to save the money until they have something they really want. Then, if they really beg for something later, I say “that is something you can spend your own money on” and sometimes they fork over the money and sometimes they wait for something else. In non-Covid times, I think I would push charitable giving and saving more than we are, but being able to get a new toy is one of the few joys that Covid hasn’t touched. So right now I’m more indulgent with frivolous kid spending than I think I otherwise would be.
Anon says
We shop online from Target together for a toy/book/whatever. She’s 4.
Anon says
For our kid’s (they are 6 and 7) we’ve been putting that kind of money in a container in their rooms. We don’t go and do a shopping trip every time, it’s more like, if the kid asks for some random toy or dress up thing that isn’t really a reasonable thing for me and my husband to randomly buy them for no reason, and their birthday or Christmas are way off, we can tell them they can buy it with their own money.
I hope this doesn’t come off as judgey, but you are asking, so I will say I do think commingling it into your own money and spending it on things they had no say in the decision of is probably not super great, especially at 8 years old. Not only does that feel kind of yucky from their standpoint and likely the gift giver’s standpoint (although not like they are likely to know), but it also seems like an easy way to introduce them to money and budgeting without a whole allowance etc set up if you aren’t there yet. But I get it!! I struggle with this too, like what should we expect them to pay for vs what should we pay for and should we start the whole spend/save/donate thing. It is overwhelming. But I think there can be a difference between what you are doing now and running to Target every time. I would actually NOT run to Target every time, because that kind of teaches them that if they get money they should spend it even if they don’t have something they wanted (a topic that comes up frequently on the main page, even with adults!) but is there for something they really want at a later date.
Good luck!
Anon says
+1 I would be pretty annoyed if I gave an 8 year old kid $20 and found out their parents were just putting the money in their own accounts. Unless grandparents are aware of and ok with this plan, it seems inappropriate to me. It’s really not that hard to take your child to the store or let them browse online and spend the $20.
Redux says
OP here. Not judgey at all– that’s why I am asking! What we are currently doing doesn’t feel right, so that’s why I wonder what other people do. Thanks for the jar idea.
I should say that my 8 year old already has a wallet with cash and has saved up over 80$ of her own money (mostly earned from household chores) and has bought things she really wanted with that money, so we are already doing financial literacy in that way. I am specifically asking about the checks, which feels more burdensome to me for some reason, though maybe I am overthinking it. I guess I should just cash the checks and hand her the cash to use in the same way we treat her allowance. She saves, budgets, and purchases things already, so I guess I am already doing it.
Anonymous says
Yeah, I’d respect the grandparents’ intent and just give her the cash.
Anonymous says
You are totally overthinking it. Let your mom have her fun. Hand over the $20 and then have your kid facetime Grandma to show what she bought/talk about what she’s saving for.
Anonymous says
What exactly is wrong with handing the kid a $20 and taking her to Target for every minor holiday? That is the grandparents’ intent–to let her have the fun of picking out some junky toy, or to save up for something bigger if that’s what she wants to do.
anne-on says
We stuck cash in a piggy bank until it gets to be around $100 and then we deposit it (and any checks) into an account we set up in my son’s name for this purpose when he was 7. We figured that can turn into a car down payment or a study abroad fund when he’s bigger – we also stick ~$100 in it for birthdays and Xmas.
Now that he’s bigger he saves it up for ‘big’ gifts he wants (he is currently saving for a new Nintendo and has been very aware of how much he got in gift cards and how much he needs before he’s able to get it). I think if your 8yr old is asking questions then it’s a great time to take them to set up a small account in their name! I was super motivated by saving up for ‘big’ purchases around that age. Fwiw we also put some guardrails up – no you can’t drain your account for toys and candy, mom and dad have to approve of your purchases. We’ll reevaluate once we have older teens but it’s worked well for the last 3 years.
Anonymous says
Same. I have an 8 year old and she had like, $1800. She is a saver by nature and other than a massive lego kit when she was 6 she never spends it. I talked to her a little about investing and she was into it so I opened a brokerage account and we put $1k in an index fund last year. She keeps tabs on it and likes that she’s up $70. She also asked what companies are in the fund so we printed it out and she loves that she owns a little bit of apple, Amazon, disney, etc.
EDAnon says
I keep it and transfer the money into the kids personal savings accounts (not 529s). I also add $50 per kid for their birthdays each year.
My parents made me save 1/2 of my gift money for my entire life (I assume it was 100% until age 5-ish). It was amazing when I wanted to go to Hawaii for an athletic thing in high school. It also helped pay some of my personal expenses in college. It also set me up to be a pretty obsessive saver (which I still am).
Anonymous says
This is what to do if you really don’t want her to have free rein with the money–have her save it towards something big she’s picked out.
Pogo says
I’ll admit that so far we have put this money into a slush fund and then transferred an equivalent amount to our kids’ 529. But now that our 4yo is at the age where he could go to Target and pick something out, I would let him.
I have done what you’ve said when someone sent a $20 Amazon gift card… that $20 may have gone toward diapers, because I put the gc onto my account and then just used it as I shopped.
Cb says
Yeah, we have a giftcard for christmas and I’ll spend it on kindle books, but kiddo knows he’s got £25 to spend at some point. Actually £27 because I bribed him to pick up sticks on the lawn.
avocado says
Here is my allowance/kid spending money spiel. We started giving our daughter an allowance in kindergarten. As parents we bought her clothes, toiletries, food, books, and school supplies. She was responsible for buying “extras”–toys, art supplies, craft kits, graphic novels, video games, souvenirs, makeup (once she was old enough), etc. We gave her the allowance in cash so it would be more concrete, and we let her have all gift money that wasn’t designated by the giver for her college fund. She learned very quickly that blowing her money on cheap junk from the dollar spot at Target was not really worth it. When she was 7 she wanted a second American Girl doll. After we told her that Santa Claus does not bring AG dolls to people who already have one, she saved up for several months to buy the doll. In other years she saved up for a Kindle and some other large items. When relatives found out she was saving for something big, they’d often help out by giving her gift cards or cash for holidays and her birthday.
We did not require her to save or donate any set amount, but we matched any donation she made dollar for dollar. She did choose to donate to a number of school and Girl Scout charity drives. I have never been a fan of forcing kids to donate or save part of their allowance. I think that choosing to save for a concrete goal is a much more powerful way to learn the value of saving than being forced to put away a certain percentage for some indefinite purpose. The same goes for charitable giving–choosing to donate to an interesting cause is much more meaningful than being forced to put a dollar in the collection plate each week.
When she started high school, I looked at my budget and figured out how much I was spending on her clothes, toiletries, school supplies, haircuts, etc., then added this amount to her allowance. She has a budget spreadsheet where she tracks spending in various categories. For now she selects her purchases and I pay with my credit card, or she uses some cash she’s “withdrawn” from the bank of Mom. She has been handling her money very responsibly, although I do have to nag her to buy some non-fun essentials like swimsuits and coats before she gets in a pinch. At the end of her sophomore year we are planning to set her up with a checking account and debit card. When she is old enough to have a job, we’ll set some expectations about what larger expenses (e.g., school trips, new computer for college, college living expenses) she’s expected to save for.
For us, the key to making the allowance an effective teaching tool was that we were very strict about not buying things for her that she was supposed to buy for herself. When I saw a cute thing that I just had to get her, I’d stash it away until a gift-giving occasion, which did result in some overstuffed Christmas stockings.
Spirograph says
I love all of this. We’ve been pretty inconsistent about allowances mostly because we are really bad at keeping cash on hand consistently in the last couple years, because we haven’t been out and about getting it from the ATM very much! I’ve looked at some of the apps like Greenlight, but my kids don’t have phones, and I agree with you that the concreteness is an important factor.
We do a lot of talking about money (side note, we love the Million Bazillion podcast) and my kids understand a lot of things about personal finance in the abstract, but need to get better about encouraging practical application
Pogo says
My parents did this too – I remember being in middle school and buying my own Limited Too jeans and Claire’s butterfly clips and Smackers lip gloss.
Anonymous says
My parents did the same thing, only they didn’t give me enough money to cover what I needed to buy. My monthly allowance was the equivalent of one cheap pair of jeans on sale at J.C. Penney, at a time when I was outgrowing or wearing out all my clothes on a yearly basis. I was supposed to buy my entire wardrobe and everything else I needed with this amount.
TLDR if you do this be sure the amount is realistic.
DLC says
This is incredibly helpful to read. I feel like My oldest is in the cusp of wanting her money to be tangible and I really like how sensible and everyday your approach is.
Redux says
Super helpful, as usual avocado! Thank you.
anonM says
I’m with you. I’d put most in college savings. (“Here’s a special Valenties cookie from Grandma! I also put the other $15 in your college savings, so generous of Grandma to help plan for your future!”) If there is something they want/need, then the next money gift can go towards that. You can teach budgeting in other ways than feeling obligated to give free range on $20 every other month or so. Or go to Barnes & Noble (or online B&N) and let them choose a book. Signed, sick of clutter and sick of kids expecting gifts from every guest.
Anonymous says
If I were Grandma, I would be annoyed if you put what I’d clearly intended as fun money in the college account. $20 here and there isn’t going to make a dent in $70,000/year for college, but to a kid it’s a huge treat.
In our family grandparents clearly specify which checks are for college and which are to be spent as the child chooses.
anon says
Agree with all of this. Is it really worth putting $20 in a college account? Let the kid have fun with a special treat from Grandma, as she intended. You can put some parameters around it, but I don’t think it’s healthy to control everything.
Anon says
Agreed. $20 is nothing to a college fund and everything to a kid.
Anon says
Not the Anon above. You’re assuming that everyone here is going to pay full freight at an expensive private school for their kid. Many of us are either going to send our kids to state U, expect kids to get scholarships, or have a tuition discount plan through one parent’s employment.
$20 here or there isn’t going to make or break college, but gifts that are consistently saved and invested for 18 years can, in total, add up to a decent chunk of change. Even if it’s “only” a few thousand dollars, that’s a few thousand that the kid doesn’t have to take out in loans.
Anonymous says
$20 a few times a year does not add up to a few thousand dollars, even with compound interest. And most people here are not that broke. They just don’t like their parents giving gifts of any type because they want to carefully curate everything their kids have.
Anon says
Anonymous, cut out the personal attacks. Are you in the Eastern time zone? Have lunch and get back to us when your blood sugar isn’t crashing.
Basic internet research will tell you two things: about 20% of parents save for their kids’ college, and the average (mean, not median) balance of a 529 is about $30,000.
Slightly out of date, but I’m going to send you to “February 3, 2016 Saving for College and Section 529 Plans” from the Federal Reserve. Fascinating tables in Section 3 – unless you’re in the top 5% of income, your 529 plan is non-existent or has low/mid five figures saved up in it. Vanguard has a May 2019 sheet of information about 529 savings.
We went through this nonsense a few weeks ago on the regular s-te, with a bunch of women assuming that totes everyone has $750k in a 401k by age 40, and everyone was shocked at the median and mean balances of 401ks by age. You aren’t “poor” if you save up five figures for your kid’s college, FFS.
Anonymous says
You’re the one engaging in personal attacks. I grew up legitimately poor and attended college on Pell Grants and merit scholarships. I am not one of those people who assumes everyone has millions of dollars in their retirement accounts. I still don’t think it’s right to take a kid’s birthday money, or that $20 in birthday money is likely to make or break the kid’s ability to attend college.
My parents took my birthday money and put it in a bank account that mysteriously disappeared before I went to college.
Anon says
So, Anonymous, we’ve figured out your problem: your parents pretended to save your birthday money but in fact used it on themselves. Please explain what that has to do with parents who are actually putting money into savings with the kid’s name on it.
“They just don’t like their parents giving gifts of any type because they want to carefully curate everything their kids have.” That’s a personal attack, FYI.
Anon says
And Anonymous? Address the issue of average (mean and median, the latter found in Vanguard) values of 529 accounts. Then tell us that someone who thinks an extra few thousand is important is “broke.”
Anonymous says
It’s not a few thousand dollars. Assuming $60/yr (three $20 gifts) with 1% interest compounded annually, it’s $1,188.65 over 18 years.
Anon says
No one has said it’s bad to save “ only” $10k for college! But $20 a few times a year is not going to magically turn into $10k. It’s not even $1k.
Anon says
“It’s not a few thousand dollars. Assuming $60/yr (three $20 gifts) with 1% interest compounded annually, it’s $1,188.65 over 18 years.”
Add in a few $50 or $100 Christmas presents and it is, in fact, a few thousand dollars. Thanks for making my point!
Anonymous says
I don’t think this is a rich person vs poor person thing. I make a lot less than most people here (~$50k) and $20 still seems like a very small amount to put in a college savings account. I also think the most important thing is the gift-giver’s intent. Obviously if someone gives you $20 earmarked for a 529 fund you don’t tear up the check and say “well, that’s not enough money to be worth it.” But if someone is giving the kid $20 to get something fun for themselves, it’s poor etiqu*tte to take the money and do something else with it, even if it ultimately benefits the child. It’s just disrespectful to the gift-giver to not follow their wishes for how the money is used (unless the intended use is dangerous, counter to your family’s values, etc. in which case you have a conversation with them).
Anonymous says
Anonymous at 2:46, I completely agree with you. A lot of people are saying that letting a kid spend $20 on plastic junk at Target *is* contrary to their family values. That is really what’s gotten the discussion so heated–do you value being kind to the grandparents more than you value keeping plastic junk out of your house? Obviously there are strong feelings on both sides.
Anonymous says
It’s. Not. Your. Money.
Ask me how I know says
I mean it is though? A parent is actually obligated as part of their responsibility to provide for the well being of the child to make financial choices for the child– including what to do with money they come into. Unless there is a directive like Anoon says below, the money is actually the parent’s to determine what to do with. That’s why trusts and estates are so important when the beneficiaries are minors– without a trust and specific directives, child doesn’t actually have control of the money.
I’m really surprised so many people think the parents don’t have the right to this money. In some ways it is more ethically questionable to let a child blow 20$ on plastic crap than to put that money into a 529. Sheesh, y’all.
Anonymous says
Gosh, you’re fun.
Anonymous says
While this might be technically correct, I think it’s at odds with the spirit of the grandparent’s gift.
Anonymous says
Wow. Least fun mom award.
Anon says
But the child has to learn money skills at some point. If they don’t blow $20 on plastic toys as a kid they may blow much larger sums on stuff they can’t afford as an adult. I don’t think this level of control is healthy for the kid at all, even setting aside the issue of whether or not it’s fun for the kid.
Anon says
No, money given to a child is not the parent’s money. It’s literally stealing and it’s not ok.
Anon says
Wow you’re all rude. “Ask me how I know” is trying to be a good mom, which shouldn’t make her the subject of attack. How immature do you have to be to make fun of a person for not being a sufficiently “fun mom”?
Anonymous says
In this case the 8-year-old has noticed that the parent has appropriated money clearly intended for her. It’s $20 for Target shopping spree, not $20,000 in a trust.
Anonymous says
OP doesn’t say that the $20 was given under the UTMA.
Anonymous says
I think the “least fun mom” comment might be a reaction to the legalese.
Redux says
Oh my god you guys. Calm down. I dont think anyone should be in the business of giving out “least fun mom awards,” yikes. The Anons on this board have gotten rude and judgey. Sorry I asked.
anonM says
Redux, I can’t believe the flames thrown on this one. You’re still a good mom. I’m sorry I read these comments.
Anon says
But this isn’t what OP is doing, she’s putting it in just regular parent accounts that aren’t really getting earmarked for the kids (which it seems everyone including OP thinks isn’t great). I think deciding to put some in a 529 is a different story, as long as money mistakes and budgeting are being taught in other ways.
Anonymous says
I think putting these little bits of money in a 529 is kind of grinchy. Grandma isn’t around to take the kids out for doughnuts, and she wants the kids to have a fun treat.
Anon says
Fair! I was just more making the point that to try to compare the two scenarios (parent account =\ 529) is not the same thing. At least the 529 is for the kid. Whether that’s still the right thing to do can be up for debate, but not OPs situation.
AnonM says
I’m really surprised by some of these replies! But, in my family there is a lot of pride in contributing to 529s. Growing up, my grandma gave me one physical gift for Christmas, and then gave the family an exprience gift, like a Zoo pass. She was also incredibly special and we had so much fun together — buying (and filling landfills) with plastic stuff is NOT the only way memories are made. My kids are not 8, so maybe this is part of this, but to try to not spoil my kid I don’t just give a 4yo $20 every time they go to Target with no limitations. Our kids are also the only grandkids on both sides, and only great neices/nephews on my side, so there are a lot of doting people. If they want the kid to definitely have something fun, they give/mail something fun or tell me explicitly to do something fun. If not, the kids get an extra $1 candy or whatever and the rest goes into their specific 529. For example, a great-grand gives $100 for birthdays and Christmas. No way am I giving my 2 and 4 yo that kind of money to buy wasteful crap at Target. And no one in my family would buy some huge $$ gift for the kids without running it buy me either. You can call me Least Fun Mom but I honestly don’t care. I did not just get cash routinely to randomly spend like that as a kid (seriously, my cousins and I STILL talk about my one aunt giving us $25 at the grocery store ONCE!) and a big goal to me as a parent is not ending up with entitled, spoiled kids. But everyone has different priorities. What I don’t get is the nastiness here. I’m not STEALING by trying to limit my kids’ frivolous spending, please.
Anonymous says
$100 is a different story than $20.
Anonymous says
Yeah. Also sounds like your relatives are aware of and ok with the fact that you’re saving the money for college? That’s a very different situation than a grandmother giving a kid $20 with instructions to buy themselves something fun, and the parents taking the money and putting it in a college account without telling the grandparents.
Anonymous says
“buying (and filling landfills) with plastic stuff is NOT the only way memories are made.”
This is so sanctimonious and also irrelevant to the topic. No one is saying grandparents can’t give an experience gift if they want (mine always do) or contribute to a 529 fund. But if the grandparents give money to a kid intending it to be used on buying a new toy, it’s poor manners to take the money and use it on something else. If it’s a larger sum of money like $100 and a younger child, I agree you don’t just turn it over to the kid and I think it’s appropriate to go back to the grandparents and come up with a plan to use the money that everyone is on board with, whether it’s putting the bulk of it in an education fund or an experience or saving for something larger the child wants like an AG doll. But $20? Just let it go. It’s hyper-controlling to not let grandparents give a kid $20 to buy a new toy at Target, and it seems so exhausting to go through life controlling to that degree. I also agree with everyone saying kids need to make mistakes when it’s low stakes and I think $20 is pretty low stakes money for most people here, even those of us (me included) who don’t make six figures. If your kids never have an experience where they buy plastic junk and regret it, they’re liable to make bigger mistakes with money when the stakes are much higher.
Anonymous says
The level of sanctimony on this thread is truly incredible. I would NEVER allow my child to spend money on plastic toys! Every last cent goes to the college fund so my child learns the virtue of saving. I would not want to spoil my child or let the evil grandparents think that they could pass along their materialistic values. Gag.
anonM says
It’s not irrelevant. See below, Anonymous 02/09/2022 AT 12:31 PM about the special times with grandparents, which was part of what I’m reacting to. OP specified that these are gifts for minor holidays, so I take that to mean not just once or twice a year (ex: there are 15 federal holidays). It’s not “hyper-controlling” to say I’m not taking my kids to target to buy a brand new toy for every minor holiday. I also disagree that saving up $20 at time for a larger purchase/529 is silly, but that’s again something everyone is free to disagree on, and my DH and I are pretty frugal so to each their own. But, you all would probably also call me a grinch because I have in fact told my MIL to stop bringing so many gifts every time she comes over, which was then weekly, because I felt it changed a surprise gift they could appreciate into an expectation. I also store up some unopened Christmas gifts to give the kids throughout the year but I’m guessing that’d be “stealing” from my kids too. Eye roll.
Anonymous says
I don’t think it’s stealing from your children if they’re eventually getting the money (and I count a college fund as them getting the money), but I think it’s extremely rude to the gift-giver. Plastic toys are not my favorite either, and we definitely steer people towards experiences or consumable gifts or books if they ask what we’d like, but I think it’s very rude to dictate what gifts people can and can’t buy your child, unless you’re talking about something dangerous or something so physically large it’s going to overwhelm your house or something like that. If you really can’t stand to have a bunch of plastic toys in your house, have your kids cull through their toys regularly and donate them so other families can get use out of them. That teaches your kid about charitable giving and makes you feel like like you’re not spoiling them without robbing the grandparents of their joy.
Anonymous says
Omg stop stealing! Give your 8 year old the money to spend.
Anoon says
LOL, I hope you mean this as hyperbole. Unless there is some sort of trust or other legally binding financial tool (which, no one here is describing and certainly not OP) there is no “stealing” here. There may be moral/ethical reasons to let the kid spend her money how she wants it, but using a gift for the maintenance of the child is absolutely not stealing, don’t be ridiculous.
Anonymous says
Obviously not stealing in the legal sense. But if I were 8 I’d definitely feel stolen from!
Anon says
I don’t know – I think it might actually be stealing in the legal sense.
anonM says
This is insanity. My goodness.
Anonymous says
Ha, I kind of do the opposite. Whenever someone gives me a gift card for Target, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, etc., I give it to my kid because I know that spending it will be much more fun for her than for me.
Anon says
With our toddler, we either buy him an actual present with the money or put it into his 529. When he’s in university, I think it will be quite nice to tell him that paying for it was a group effort, and many people who love him want him to succeed.
Anonymous says
***This is not directed at OP, more of a reaction to some of the responses.
A lot of posters here seem very controlling about the gifts their parents give their children, the food their parents feed their children, etc. The whole point of grandparents is that because they are not the parents, they are free to indulge the kids in a bit of frivolous fun without setting up habits that are unhealthy for daily life. Both the kids and the grandparents get enormous benefits out of it. Am I thrilled that Grandma puts Velveeta in her mac and cheese and lets my kid order Shirley Temples full of high-fructose corn syrup and red food coloring? Of course not. Was I thrilled when Grandma bought my kid a discontinued action figure from her favorite PBS show from the clearance bin while they were out shopping, prompting my kid to ask Santa Claus for the rest of the set and in turn causing Santa to spend many hours on eBay? Not really. But they have so much fun and are creating so many special memories that they’d miss out on if I insisted that Grandma do everything my way. So many people seem to want to be their kids’ only source of fun and treats, and/or to eliminate fun and treats from their kids’ lives entirely. Of course you should set safety rules and some reasonable limits with the grandparents, but confiscating all the birthday money or insisting that your parents only buy the gifts you’ve selected yourself is awfully mean and joyless.
Anon says
Yeah I’ve observed that too. My view with grandparents is that we’re really strict about life or death safety issues like car seat safety and anything else we let it go.
Anon says
Or maybe you should extend some grace to parents who do things differently than you do.
Anonymous says
Pot. meet kettle.
Anon says
I think you’ve got the wrong Anon, Anonymous.
DLC says
When we get a check, i show the kids (ages 10, 5 and 2… so clearly the two year old doesn’t care), then deposit the check into our bank account and then keep an excel spreadsheet with a running tally. If the kid (really just the ten year old) wants something I’m not inclined to buy for them, I remind them they can do it with their birthday money. (One time the ten year old used it to buy the family Chipotle for dinner because I didn’t want to…)
My SIL takes her kids (4 and 6) to the store and has them pick out something and then sends us a picture of kid with chosen item as a thank you. I like that idea too, but I hate shopping with my kids so I havent tried that method yet.
Clementine says
I love that your kid spent it on Chipotle!
I’m team ‘let kids make low stakes mistakes’. My kid literally learned the value of money in the context of how much an episode of paw patrol cost on Amazon.
When he was with me at the grocery store, he saw the amount at checkout and said, ‘WOW. You could have bought a really cool lego set for that much, mom!’
We usually suggest they save half. But… I think it’s really good for kids to understand that ‘stuff’ costs money and if you spend all your money on candy, you might not be able to buy a Lego set as well.
We put his money in a clear container because he likes to see it. When it got up to over $50, we bring it to the bank.
Anonymous says
Ha, I could buy a lot of extremely cool Lego sets with my grocery money.
IHeartBacon says
Wow, this thread got out of control, and I’m not getting in the middle of it. I know this is super late, but I just wanted to suggest that instead of taking kiddo to the store every time the money comes in just so she can buy something, perhaps you can just have her put it in a wallet or piggy bank or something and tell her you’ll remind her to bring her money with her the next time you guys go to a store in case she sees something she wants. This way, it eliminates the feeling that you need to make special trips just for her to spend the money as soon as it comes in. It also allows her to spend the money during one of your usual errands (just as an example, she could get snacks at the grocery store that your family doesn’t usually buy; she could get books or magazines or novelty items at Costco; she could get fun pens or stationary products at an office supply store; etc)
Spirograph says
We do take the kids shopping with a $20 budget. I love watching how carefully they consider their options: Do I get two small things, or one bigger thing? Oooh! I have $2 left, so I can get candy in the check-out line. I feel like it’s a fun exercise in budgeting and helps develop their sense of what things cost.
We don’t necessarily make a special trip out of it unless the kid wants to go to the comic store or somewhere specific, but next time we’re at Target, we remind them that they can get a gift with the $$ from grandma.
daycare says
Can someone help me figure out what is normal in a daycare. Admittedly the first drop off we had was bad (reopening after covid closure) and that is where all of my anxiety comes from, where there were multiple children crying on the floor and the women seemed harried and very frustrated. Since then, our son generally seems happy but has been seriously sick twice already. He also had an incident where he got scratched once by another kid (though that seems normal to me). Overall the women who run the day care seem nice every day since then, but that first experience is something I cannot get out of my head. The ratio is 4:1, and I’m wondering maybe I should find another daycare that is 3:1, but those are hard to come by. Am I overthinking this?
Anon says
I’m assuming this is for an infant? In my state it’s almost impossible to find daycares with better ratios than the state minimum (which is 4:1 here). The constant sickness is totally normal, especially if the kids aren’t wearing masks. Scratching/biting happens although if it’s a regular occurrence I would be concerned.
Anonymous says
yes – 7 months old. Thanks, the kids are not wearing masks and the caregivers are all in n95s.
No Face says
I think having a hot mess morning when the daycare reopens and some illnesses are fairly normal.
Anonymous says
Gently, you may be overthinking it. 4:1 is our statewide ratio – TBH I don’t even know of day cares with lower ratios (in home ones usually max out so they can make ends meet). How long has he been in? My first started day care at six weeks, had recurrent ear infections his first year until he got tubes at 16 months. I tried to start my twins at day care when they were 10 months, but they were preemies and they were just too sick for day care, so I got a nanny. FWIW, they’re still sick with the nanny so that’s not a magic bullet either. I know it’s hard, but unless you’re kid is hospitalized I’d give it a year of trying day care. As sons as my twins are walking I’ll move them to day care with brother.
Anon says
If you don’t have a good vibe, try to find time to stop by during the day when it’s not so busy to see what the day looks like. Bring the workers coffee. Stop by before or after a doctor’s appointment, etc. Peak in a window. (Your kid doesn’t even need to know.) I did this and ended up pulling my kid and reporting the center to the county, which did a surprise inspection and cited the center left right and sideways. It’s worth checking up for your own peace of mind.
(I wouldn’t be concerned at all about the scratch. The crying at drop off with a negative reaction workers doesn’t give me a great feeling.)
Pogo says
Oh that’s a good thought – you can start by calling their state auditor just to request their most recent report. If it is out of date they have to do an inspection, and if it’s not, you should be able to speak with the auditor about the center’s history and any previous findings. And if you do truly have a bad vibe you can always request a surprise inspection. Our state (MA) may be super intense but years ago I remember a surprise visit when our provider hadn’t gotten her CPR re-certified – they came to check if she was really closed because she wasn’t supposed to be open until she got the cert and turned it in to the auditor.
FVNC says
+1. My two kids have been in a total of 7 different daycares, and they ALL encouraged drop-in visits. One even had a double-sided mirror for parents to watch their kids after drop-off or anytime during the day. I’d do a drop-in at a time other than pickup/dropoff, which can be stressful for both teachers and babies. If you get any pushback against a drop-in visit, that’s a red flag. Of the 7 daycares we’ve used, we pulled our kid from one after some non-specific “bad vibes” and it was absolutely the right call for us.
Anonymous says
Not OP but in my area none of the daycares are allowing parents in past the front vestibule area due to covid. I think it is the most ridiculous rule, especially for vaxxed/boosted/masked parents– what harm is me walking my child (who is with me all the time unmasked outside of school) to her classroom really going to do? I am worried that these policies are favored by daycare teachers and admin because it makes their lives easier in some ways and that they will never go back to pre-covid ways.
anon says
My experience is that not letting parents in is much harder on the staff than the old way.
I’m grateful for the rule for now because I only trust 95% of parents to mask appropriately and not come in if they have mild symptoms. Also, I don’t want to add to the number of people who could cause a class quarantine if they later have a positive test.
FVNC says
Oh, good point. [Facepalm] I was thinking back in time to when my kids were infants and the experiences at that time. With an infant, unlike with a kid who can articulate any concerns, I think I’d push pretty hard to try to observe, in some capacity (camera?) if I had a bad feeling about the environment. Nothing to lose if the alternative if putting your child in a different daycare.
Anon says
Yeah, I think the new way is harder on the teachers. I think it’s just one of those things where the policies haven’t caught up to the science, like how so many places still take your temperature or make you sanitize your hands before, but don’t make you wear a mask, even though we know the virus spreads better through air than surfaces.
Fwiw, parents at our school mask better than the staff (virtually all in KN95s or better, worn appropriately) and don’t cause a class quarantine if they later test positive (it has to be 15 minutes of contact, per health dept guidelines and no one lingers longer than that) so I’m glad we can drop off in the classroom.
Pogo says
Agree would be good to know if it’s infant or not. If infant, yeah, this all seems kinda normal. Older kids I am less likely to see even one kid crying at dropoff and people generally do not seem harried. Also if they’re an infant, I know it’s hard because they can’t talk, but does kiddo generally seem happy/excited to see caregivers? Even as young as 6-8mos my kids would smile, coo, and reach out to their caregiver. Now at 17mos my younger one lets out a velociraptor shriek of excitement and toddles full speed to hug her legs. Due to COVID, not once have I been inside and seen them interacting, but this tells me all I need to know.
TheElms says
Two illnesses doesn’t sound like that many too me for starting daycare. My kid is pretty healthy, we started at 5 1/2 months (which is a little older than some and I think helps a bit with the number of illnesses or their severity), and we still had an illness every other week for the first four months and probably went to the pediatrician at least once a month for something more serious (ear infections, bad cold but needed to rule out RSV, flu). This was pre-covid. Since starting preschool at 2 in September we’ve had 2 bad colds, HFM again (had it at daycare too), and obviously lots of covid testing for all the random runny nose or cough, and closures for exposures, but nothing serious enough to require a visit to the pediatrician. Its just hard with little kids (especially under 1 in daycare).
I’m not sure I’d ever evaluate care based on drop off. It is a chaotic time at the best places. Most kids don’t handle transitions well and I don’t think Covid helps that. If you son seems happy and is eating well / sleeping well at home I think those are all good signs. I think it is just a big adjustment for everyone.
Anon says
It’s hard to tell – I bet it’s rough to restart dropoff after kids get out of the routine. Crying isn’t surprising. If it’s all the time though it may be worth it to look into other options .
Anon4This says
DS #1 had a fever on Sunday PM, so he stayed home Monday. Was seemingly fine Monday AM, no fever. Seemed a bit out of it Tuesday AM but sent him to school (no fever). Got a call from school that he had a fever. Picked him up, brought him home – he was definitely off. He’s home today as well (24 hour no-fever rule). This AM I had the joy of dropping off DS #2, coming home, and taking DS #1 for a COVID-19 test (pretty sure he doesn’t have it as my FIL who is currently staying with us has a bug). We have plenty of family help, but everyone’s underwater with this damn bug right now.
I expressed my annoyance at the situation to DH who has had in-person breakfast meetings and had to go into the office (please don’t flame me, he is aware of the risks). I just don’t think DH “gets” that even though DS #1 largely can entertain himself and my FIL is here to help, it’s still an interruption and more stuff that I have to manage. In a way it’s easier for me to manage DS #1 at home without DH underfoot working from home because then it’s just too many people (me, FIL, DS #1, DH). I also learned in 2020 the whole multi-tasking with kids around is just…not DH’s forte to put it mildly. His clients DGAF, and he makes 5x what I do (BigLaw, almost partner). Please don’t tell me to divorce him, I’m just venting.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Related money question to the above: Those with older kids, do you give your kids a set weekly/monthly allowance and extra money for doing chores, or one or the other? And what age did you start? I’m sure there are many ways to approach this, and our older son is at an age (5.5) where we’re thinking about starting this. He’s already got a piggy bank where’s he’s saved random gift and tooth fairy money so I think whatever we do can go in there.
AwayEmily says
Following! We are in the same position with our almost-6-yo. I feel like we’re a little behind on thinking through this partly because the kids haven’t actually been inside stores for two years so it hasn’t come up. I’m especially interested in book recommendations that lay out different approaches/ideas…I imagine this is one of many parenting things where there isn’t a “right” answer so it would be great to have a menu of options to choose from and then we can think about what might work for our family.
Cb says
Yes, keen to hear what others do. My son is 4.5 and I wonder if he’d like to have his own money. But I’m not sure what he’d spend it on – Lego magazines? But airport bookshop purchases of magazines are how I assuage my mom guilt….
Pogo says
I posted above under avocado’s response, but my parents gave me a set allowance with the caveat I had to do all my own discretionary purchases. I could earn extra with chores or obviously real jobs later on into teen-hood, but I was in charge of clothes, make-up, jewelry, etc. I had friends who didn’t get a set allowance, but their mom would take to the mall and they could get whatever they wanted. I like that I was in charge of my money and had to budget. It also let me buy what I wanted (like those ridiculous Bath & Body Works body sprays) when I knew my mom would not have bought it for me. I think there’s some value in giving kids that autonomy, and teaching them that there are limits to how much you can buy.
Spirograph says
As I commented above, we haven’t been good at consistently giving the set weekly allowance, but this is my preference. I don’t like tying chores to allowance. In my view, kids should do chores because they are part of the family and have a kid-sized responsibility to help keep our shared living space nice. With the same logic, because they are part of the family, they’re also entitled to a kid-sized share of money for their discretion.
I have to remind my kids of this all the time — my son will carry the laundry up to the kids’ room and ask for a dollar for it. No! But if he asks what he can do to earn a dollar, and I give him a bigger task like putting the game closet back in order or whatever, that’s incremental to allowance. My husband kind of undermines me on this, though, because he’ll pawn his chores off on the kids and husband will give them VBucks for Fortnite. I guess that’s how market economies work, but it still annoys me.
avocado says
We don’t tie the allowance to regular chores. I don’t get paid to cook dinner and Dad doesn’t get paid to do the laundry; it’s just part of living in a family. This also gives us flexibility to let her off the hook for chores if we need to for scheduling reasons. We do pay her when she babysits or pet-sits for relatives (it doesn’t occur to them that even though they wouldn’t pay us adults to help out they really ought to pay a teenager, long story).
Anon says
They have regular chores like setting the table, feeding the dog, putting away laundry, etc and don’t get paid for those. However, we add “work for hire” on our bulletin board where they can help with bigger projects or one-off chores to earn money once their regular chores are done.
I might post “help dad wash, dry, and fold the sheets and towels, $5 per load” or “pick up the basement after the cousin visit, $2” or “wipe all the baseboards on the main floor, $3”. Once their chores are done, they can choose to do the extras and earn that money.
We started this when my oldest was around 5 or 6, and have added the other kids as they’ve gotten close to that age. We try to have at least one age-appropriate item for each kid, each weekend, so they can earn 10-20 per month if they’re saving toward something. As they’re getting older and want more money, we’ll scale this up and probably include things like babysitting younger siblings or putting up Christmas lights.
HSAL says
I love the work for hire idea!
DLC says
Our 10 year old gets an allowance ($1 per grade per week so it’s now $4/wk). But honestly it’s an excel spreadsheet that husband keeps and shows her once in a while. (And honestly the spreadsheet only gets updated when kiddo asks to see it…) We did cash in spend/save/give jars for a while, but then never actually had cash on hand so we moved to the spreadsheet. We started when she was in 1st grade. We’ll start the other kids when they hit that age too.
Lately I’ve been thinking, though that we should try to find a system that is less passive and gives her more agency… i’ve always been a “save it and forget it” type, which is fine but then I forget where my money actually is and what it’s doing. I would like her to be more pro-active.
We don’t tie allowance to chores. We expect her to do her chores and be helpful. We do tie chores to screentime, which is actually a more powerful currency.
Anon says
I like the $ per grade per week idea. I posted about “work for hire” above and sometimes struggle with how much to pay for certain items. I think I’ll use that as a rough guide for the future – if it’s age-appropriate for my third grader, then $3 sounds like a good payment.
Anonymous says
Following! We had planned to start an allowance this year (6) but didn’t get around to it. What we are currently doing is $1 per chapter book read plus $ for extra/big chores (like extra garden weeding etc). I think after first grade we will move to allowance and away from reading rewards- but it was the only thing that actually motivated our child – who CAN read at a very high level but was not super interested- to read more.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
DS #1 = Walking at 1 year, a good chunk of words by 14 months. Was 100% a toddler after 1 year.
DS #2 – 13 months, not walking (pulling up/standing/cruising), says “mama” and “ba”/”baba” for brother (and likely a few others) and is still a baby (which is fine by me, because he’s my last).
Anyone else have a similar experience with wildly different siblings? :)
Anon says
how about wildly different twins? twin A walking at 13/14 months, but barely saying a word. twin B didn’t walk until 18 months, but was talking up a storm and even starting to string words together when twin A only had a handful of words. having one walking and one not was a very challenging stage particularly since it is not like when a kid first starts walking they are the most steady on their feet
Anonymous says
Haven’t experience this yet myself, but my sister and I were about as polar opposite as sisters can be. Genetics are wild!
EDAnon says
I wouldn’t say that’s wildly different. My #1 was like you describe. My #2 was similar but he started walking and talking up a storm almost immediately after that so the gap didn’t seem huge!
CCLA says
TLDR: Anyone uses a g*ogle voice account to share with their SO to replicate a “home” line?
I don’t even know if this is a thing, and I’m looking into it now, but trying to replicate what DH and I have done (on the excellent advice probably received here) with a joint email account so that things come to US not just to ME, as I’m doing school enrollment forms for the first time, and seeing that they are asking for a home phone number. Of course I can just use my cell as always (we are the rare ones who still have a landline, but it gets so many junk calls that we only plug it in when my husband is on call, so not a reliable way to reach us). But I can’t decide if I’d rather deal with the junk calls and leave the landline in, or resign myself to being the primary phone call recipient, and hoping there might be another solution.
anonM says
For work we now use Zoom phones. Not sure it’d be worth the expense for this purpose, but it would make voicemails easy.
AwayEmily says
Hmmm….we both get all the calls from our elementary. I would be surprised if they couldn’t figure that out — how do they deal with divorced parents?
Anon says
I don’t think it’s unusual for a school to primarily call one parent. We’re not in elementary yet but our daycare calls me for everything even though they have both my number and my husband’s. They have called him in emergencies when they didn’t get through to me immediately, but they never call us both if I answer. As far as divorced parents go, I know our daycare asks divorced parents to share the custody schedule so they can call whoever is responsible for the child that day.
Anonymous says
Yes, our school calls all the numbers they have one by one until they get a live parent on the line who will pick the kid up, then they stop calling. Unfortunately they start with the mom even if you write CALL DAD FIRST on the emergency contact form, so if you want dad to get the calls then some sort of shared number is the solution.
Anon. says
I may have done a literal victory dance when the teacher in the toddler room at daycare started calling my husband first instead of me.
CCLA says
Thanks all. I got to the 12th document in the enrollment packet and realized it probably doesn’t matter, since they ask whom the primary parent for contact purposes should be, so regardless there is going to be a designated primary parent (they do address split custody but that’s not our situation). I suppose it makes sense that they will need an order of operations to call. I just wish there were tech that would let us pass the baton depending on which parent is “on” that day. I’m probably overthinking it, and appreciated the responses!
Cb says
Sob… my son just screamed at the top of his lungs and threw up on the sitting room floor. He says he feels much better now and is happily bouncing around the room but of course, is now off school.
Curious says
Noooooooooooo
Also, in retrospect, I did this to my mom a lot. Doesn’t bode well for the next few years with our little…
Anon says
Does anyone here have a child who was diagnosed with low muscle tone in preschool? We just had an occupational therapy evaluation for my 4 year old and the OT’s immediate observation was that she has very low muscle tone, especially in her core. It was kind of a surprise, because while she walked very late and I would not describe her as a gifted athlete, she’s always seemed fairly average to me physically – she did things like running, catching, kicking balls, jumping, etc. at roughly the expected age and her current challenges are all behavioral. But the OT said her frustration with her body not doing what she wants it to could be causing her to act out, which makes some sense. We’re going to do the weekly recommended OT although due to their scheduling constraints we can’t start for six weeks, but if anyone has ideas for fun, play-based things we could do to strengthen her core at home, I would love to hear.