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I wrote a huge Hanacure mask review back in May over at Corporette, and I’m excited to see that the mask is now available from more places — if you don’t feel like ordering directly from the company, you can get it at stores like Barneys, which offers free shipping and returns (plus Neiman Marcus and Amazon). I highly recommend it — it’s a great product to get someone who’s into masks, whether that’s your sister, mother, friend, or yourself. It’s $29 at Barneys. Hanacure All-In-One Facial Starter This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Spring Mid-Season Sale: Up to 50% off 100s of styles
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
AIMS says
So this is the first year my daughter is in nursery school and I am trying to figure out what the “norm” is for teacher gifts. I assume cash is best? Or is a gift card better? How much do you give? For reference we’re in NYC & she has two teachers. $50 & a nice card? More? Thanks!
AwayEmily says
From what I can tell from this board, both amount and format vary a lot by region. My sense is that in most urban areas the norm is to give cash, and I’m a huge proponent of cash plus a heartfelt card outlining a few of the particular things you appreciate about the teacher. We’ve done holidays now at 4 different daycares and we give between $50 and $100 depending on how many teachers are in the room. This year I’m in a LCOL city and we have 5 teachers total (3 for my 2.5 year old and 2 for my 10-month-old). We’ll give $60 to each of them, plus $20 for the floater who’s most often in the baby room.
Cb says
I panic-texted a friend last night asking ‘is this a thing in the UK?’ and luckily it’s not as my son goes to a freerange nursery and could be with any one of 10 teachers. I got a tin of nice teas and am get a bunch of fresh fruit for the staff room as I suspect they are inundated with sweet treats.
Anonanonanon says
My understanding from this board is gift cards are common for center-based daycares/preschools, but that nannies/in-home daycare providers usually get cash. That is how I tend to operate as well
lawsuited says
+1 At my daycare centre, I’m not allowed to give cash so I give an $50 gift card to each teacher along with a card with a picture of my son on it (when he’s older I’ll get him to make the cards). If my childcare provider were self-employed or employed by me, I’d give cash. If my childcare was provided by one person, I’d give more than $50 to that person, but because of the daycare centre setting I’m giving to 4 teachers.
Anon says
This sounds right to me. I know some people are strongly cash only, but at my center daycare in a LCOL city it would be odd. I would 100% give cash to a nanny, though, or someone I directly employed.
Anonymous says
DH and I were just discussing this over the weekend. We are giving our nanny a cash bonus, plus a small gift. One of our kids is in a church-based preschool 20 hours a week, but has 5 teachers. To me, it felt weird to give them cash, maybe because I see them as “teachers” and not “caregivers”? I wanted to do a target gift card, which I see as basically-cash for the purpose of enjoyability for the receiver but not actually cash and thus more of a gift and less of a bonus.
Anonymous says
Is this preschool or daycare? I’m in NYC. For preschool there was usually a collection for a group cash gift, usually $20 or so/family suggested amount. In daycare I did cash, a week’s fee, divided between the teachers. Park slope parents does a survey every year to find out what typical holiday gifts/tips are. Anyway I would do cash of some amount. You can also sometimes ask the owner what is standard.
AIMS says
It’s a preschool; she goes two days a week. I don’t do the drop off or pick up so don’t know the other parents and no one has done any collection as far as I know.
Anonymous says
I was in a coop preschool so we were all up in each other’s business. $50 seems safe to me but you could try asking the owner.
lsw says
I’m stymied by our situation. We were told that the teachers want us to buy stuff for the school and the director sent us a list of things. Oooookay. We will probably buy something small from the list. But his teachers really love him, and I’d love to acknowledge them. He has a main teacher, but due to the design of the daycare, at least 8 other teachers work closely with him almost every day.
Last year, I got a gift basket that all the teachers split – but it was a much smaller daycare then (had just opened). I was thinking of getting a gift card for Main Teacher with a note that says she can buy something for herself and/or the other teachers or the school? Is that tacky and weird? Do I give to gift cards to Main Teacher and the three or four teachers I know he loves? I know they get paid nothing (I used to work in a daycare) so just buying stuff for the school doesn’t sit right with me. Last year at this time we were pretty broke but we’re more flush this year and I want to acknowledge the great job they do and how much my son loves them.
lawsuited says
I think giving the main teacher an extra job to do (sharing out the gift you gave her amoung other teachers and buying something for the school) is a hassle for her and puts her in a weird situation. I think you could give the main teacher a gift card and give a group gift for the other teachers (although ultimately I think it’s impossible to get a group gift that everyone will like and be able to partake of equally or at all), but I’d be more inclined to give the main teacher a larger denomination gift card and the other teachers a smaller denominations gift card. Not exactly the same situation, but at work I give my assistant a $150 gift card and each of the other staff that do occasional work for me a $15 gift card. I think of it as a very small token gift, but I am truly shocked by how many of those staff seek me out to thank me (my assistant never thanks me for her much larger gift) and seem genuinely touched.
lsw says
Thank you! I’ve been worrying that it will feel unfair, because most teachers interact with him at the end of the day (there aren’t many kids from 4-6 so they combine classes), and I don’t feel like I can get a meaningful gift card for every single teacher. But I can do $15 for a handful of them. Thanks for the perspective – I was thinking the same thing about feeling like I’m giving the main teacher a job.
Legally Brunette says
We’re in DC and have always given cash (usually as part of a group gift coordinated by the class parent). We give $50 for each teacher in the class, and a smaller amount for the aftercare teachers. This year, with collective contributions, each teacher in my son’s class got $700. I asked a former teacher at my school what was the best gift and her response was “cold, hard cash.”
Daycare gifts? says
We are in a KinderCare, and I hate, hate it, largely due to the staff, and not DD’s direct teachers; we are actively trying to leave. That said, her immediate teachers are great. The center director sent an email about teacher gifts, saying you can either give directly or contribute to a large pool that will cover floaters, admin, etc., trying hard to get us to do the pool.
She has three teachers in her “young infant” room. I was going to do $50 gift cards to all three directly. Then there are two other teachers that receive her in the mornings before her “young infant” teachers arrive. I was going to gift them also $50 in gift cards each, directly. Then, I feel like I have to contribute to the pot, regardless of my feelings for the general staff. How much should I do for that? Is $100 ok? $200?
Anon says
Mind sharing what you don’t like about the kindercare? We’re at a kindercare, so just seeing if it’s center-based or chain-based issues.
Daycare gifts? says
I suspect it’s center based. The staff is constantly at each other’s throats. The drama among the women that work there is known by all the parents – it’s truly incredibly and unprofessional. There is also a total breakdown of communication at times. The daily sheet they send home is half filled out on a good day. I don’t care about the commentary about her day, I just want to know when my kid was fed and changed last. She has had open-wound diaper rash three times since early November. Even after repeated requests for them to use cream, they don’t. There is also an email list that they use for weekly emails. We’ve been at this center since August and we were never added to the list. I had no idea weekly, and evidently important emails, were being sent (we changed the code to the door!, we’re changing our online payment system!, we’re closed Columbus Day!). I discovered we were missing from this email chain (it’s legit a forwarded email – title is FWD: FWD: FWD: and all email addresses of all parents are there for consumption) two weeks ago and after repeated requests, I’m still left off of it.
I really tried to roll with the punches, chalk it up to being a side effect of group care (aka if I wanted one-on-one attention, I should have a nanny), but I’ve recently gut checked a lot of this experience off friends who are at other centers – some KinderCare, some not – and they think what we’re seeing is insanity and were actually the ones that urged us to look elsewhere because ‘it doesn’t have to be like this.’
Anonymous says
I’m in the boston burbs and coordinated a cash collection from all the parents in my toddler’s class (11 kids- two are part timers that don’t overlap). We ended up giving about $350 to each teacher and $50 to each floater.
The teachers cried. Like, totally lost it cried. She is using it to pay a car repair bill.
So, you can’t go wrong with money and even better if you encourage/make it easy for the rest of the families to do the same. I simply offered to collect the money and passed around a card. I listed a suggested amount and all but one family gave me that amount (this family had a part time kid so gave a bit less).
In the past i’d done $50 amazon gift cards when my kid was not full time and $100 when she was (in infant and toddler years). in preschool (which is part time), we do a $40 per kid (x16 kids) pool at the beginning of the year and that covers holidays, end of year, and teacher appreciation gifts for teachers and staff. One saint of a parent manages all this and usually does a spa day for the teachers among other things (note that this is a preschool and not a daycare- teachers are all part timers and live in town and make a completely different type of wage/lifestyle than a daycare teacher typically does).
AIMS says
Thanks all! I think I will go with my $50 impulse, now to decide if I should give it in cash or a visa giftcard type thing…
Anonymous says
Those Visa gift cards can have a lot of issues and be difficult to redeem. I’d go with a Target gift card.
NYCer says
Agreed re the Visa cards.
I would personally do cash, but if you want to do a gift card, I probably wouldn’t do Target in NYC. I know there are some of the “city” Targets, but I really don’t think shopping there is as prevalent here as it is in other places in the US. If you want to do a gift card, Amazon might be a better bet. Just my two cents! :)
Plastic toy food says
Any specific recommendation for plastic toy food? Seems like there are a million different options on Amazon and I’m at a loss (this is a gift and the recipient specifically asked for plastic rather than wooden).
AIMS says
I think Learning Resources is always recommended. I’ve given them as gifts before and gotten good feedback.
OP says
Thanks! Just checked their stuff out and it looks perfect.
Walnut says
+1 for Learning Resources. High quality and has a good “feel” to it. The farmers market basket set is a hit in our house two years and change after purchasing it.
Anonymous says
+1 for Learning Resources, especially their sliceable food set. IME toddlers looove being able to cut their food in half.
anon says
I don’t remember what brand we have, but we got some you can “cut”, which is a huge hit.
Cb says
The Amazon parcels from relatives are coming in at a steady stream. Talk to me about toy storage in the living room? Do you rotate toys? Embrace the chaos? I was thinking about an IKEA Besta for the tv as this would give me loads of storage and keep things out of sight. My son is only 16 months and is at nursery full-time so typically plays in the living room while we’re making dinner.
Mama Llama says
I like to have the ability to hide the toys as much as possible. Storage ottomans and baskets that go on shelves are key.
lawsuited says
+1 to storage ottomans. I have a fairly large one in our living room and LO’s toys in that room are limited to what can fit inside the ottoman. LO helps put the toys away before dinner/bed/whatever and has been since about 12 mo. I have a rule that either the ottoman can be open or the Duplo can be open, but not both at the same time (because Duplo intermingled with all the other toys is a tidy-up nightmare) and LO is cool with that. Excess toys are stored in LO’s room in an IKEA Expedit shelf with pull-out baskets and when LO expresses interest in a toy from his room I’ll add it to the ottoman (and remove another toy if necessary to make space).
Yes, I am a Type A neat freak. Yes, I am working on it so that the damage my kids suffer as a result will hopefully be mild.
Cb says
That’s a very good rule about duplo (or buplo as it’s called in our household).
AIMS says
I love this. I am not a type A neat freak but I long to be. I would settle for a type B tidy person. Your system sound brilliant. If you want to share more about this or any other system/rules, please do!
lawsuited says
My crowning organizational achievement is putting wall-to-wall shelving in our basement storage room and replacing all our various and sundry storage bins and boxes with 2 sizes of clear storage bins that stack together uniformly. I have labelled the bins (and keep the labelling supplies in the storage room so I don’t have to go hunting in order to change a label), but even without the labels it’s really easy to find things at a glance because the bins are clear.
IHeartBacon says
I’m not Type A by any stretch of the imagination, but this is how I keep LO’s toys, too. I have a few available (3-4 toys) for play and they get rotated out weekly from a bin I keep in the top shelf of his closet (4-5 toys). This keeps him interpreting in playing with them.
CHL says
Also – rotating toys is a great instinct! Put some away right away and swap them out. Less clutter at any one time and I Think the kids enjoy it more.
Pogo says
As you know Baby Pogo is the same age :) We have three small-ish bins of toys in the family room, plus one plastic storage container with a lid for all of his Tolo toys. I try to remember to have him “put away” his toys before bed (which is mostly me putting them away and him randomly putting one ball in the wrong bin) so they don’t take over.
I have another plastic storage container in the basement for rotation – so things he hasn’t played with in awhile get put down there and other things brought back up. I also try to pack up things that he’s clearly over (true ‘baby’ stuff) and put it in the attic.
In our formal living room, we don’t keep any toys in there but some things always tend to migrate over there. He also has a bunch of toys in his room.
But we live in a giant American suburban house so it’s a bit of a different strategy!
Cb says
That’s a good strategy. We currently have the play table, a basket and some open shelving which has the green toys school bus, ferry, and IKEA service station but I think the visual clutter annoys me. We don’t have any storage for rotation but I can put things in bins in the corner of his bedroom. Tempted to clear out the living room toy storage on Christmas Eve and just put the new stuff out.
I’ve been pretty ruthless about culling toys he’s outgrown – my husband takes them to work where his colleagues with younger kids snatch them up.
Anon says
My daughter is the same age. We have in our family room the 8 panel cream north states playyard; that’s the room she spends most of her time in. We *try* to keep the toys in the playyard (she likes to toss them over the side as tribute for potential release to wreck havoc and destruction everywhere else). Every few days I go through and pile them all back up in the plastic bucket (and usually vacuum). I have plastic buckets (navy, so they’re not super obnoxious) in every room she plays in so that I can toss toys back in. We generally let chaos rule and then toss the toys back in the bucket every few days. I always intend to put away the old “baby” stuff, but every few days I find her playing with something I was sure she was done with, so I haven’t yet.
Anonymous says
Until recently, toys were not allowed in our toddler’s bedroom so they were all in the living room. We have a wicker toy chest basket next to the couch, a large wicker basket with lid that also serves as a side table, baskets on the bookshelf for play food and puzzles, and then of course a few things shoved behind the couch (the Fisher Price Little People stuff – pirate ship, garage, etc). Couch is a foot or two out from the wall, with a sofa table, so there are some convenient storage spots back there. Note, though, that at some point the kid has opinions about where toys should live – at age 3 ours decided to start hiding all his toys and all our random household items in his closet.
DLC says
I rotate, with clear bins and open shelves for the select toys I want him to play with and which I don’t mind looking at, and everything else in opaque bins or stores up high so he is less likely to play with them.
kids on the spectrum says
For those of you who have kids on the autism spectum (but esp. if they are what use to be Aspergers, where they go to school in regular classes), any advice on social skills?
I have a kid who has a dx of ADHD, but in a girl, that is presenting with some Aspergers-like social skills, so I’d like to explore what more there is that I should be doing for her.
It may well be that she never scores enough to trigger a diagnosis, but her screening scores are also not typical and it presenting issues in social settings that I think she is bright enough to learn through training since she isn’t inuiting how she should interact with people. [E.g., you don’t go up to a grownup you don’t know and touch them; looking at people while they talk to you or while you talk to them; acknowledging people who talk to you with more than a flat “hi”; when you have friends over, you don’t just walk away from them to watch TV by yourself.]
My friends with autistic kids tend to have them with full-blown autism, which is very brutal and which I am 100% sure my daughter does not have. But I know she needs some help and I don’t really know where to go (our peds practice just shut down; the one psyciatrist we saw wanted to talk about her pretty brutally with her in the room which she did NOT like one bit; is this where a kind MSW-type (which I do know) would be a good start)?
Anonanonanon says
In the short-term, I have a book recommendation. “100 social rules kids need to know” goes through how to have a conversation with other kids and with adults (with sample responses) and touches on exactly what facial expressions to look for in people, etc. It covers not just discussing what you’re interested in, the types of questions you can ask other people (but that you shouldn’t ask TOO many questions) etc. It specifically addresses how to get past just “hi” then walking off. It’s broken down into “rules” aka very manageable chunks of information.
I grew up with a high-functioning autistic brother who I will ultimately be the caretaker for (he graduated from normal high school, but will never be able to live on his own. It manifests in odd ways) and it was always helpful for him to practice conversations and have concrete examples like the ones provided in this book.
Mama Llama says
MSW sounds like a good start, or maybe her school if she is in school. I would ask about trying to get her in a social skills group or class.
FVNC says
My daughter received a social communication disorder diagnosis when she was ~3 yr old. At the time, the psychologist who provided the diagnosis mentioned that many schools have counselor-led social skills clubs, so you might want to check with your daughter’s guidance counselor. (And, thanks to the poster above for the name of the book! I’m going to check that one our for my own kiddo!)
Knope says
It sounds like your daughter could benefit from occupational therapy for this. Most people think of occupational therapists as helping kids to accomplish physical tasks, but many are trained in social skills too.
So Anon says
My son was diagnosed with ASD last week. He is high functioning, and the social skills piece was what tipped us off (an amazing 1st grade teacher who basically spelled it out for us, and we took it from there). He excels academically and developed on the “normal” timeline. It was a long, curvy road that involved a play therapist (not sure play therapy does much?), an OT eval, ASD testing and we still have a full neuro-psych exam to go. The OT eval was hugely illuminating for us. We did not realize that he had some of the sensory and other issues that he does. And the flip side is that OT is what seems to be the largest help. We go to an OT center, where there are the same group of kids at the same time every week. They work on social skills, emotional regulation, building muscle and so many other issues. We have seen a change already in the month that he is going. He is also in a social skills group at school. Is there an OT center near you that can do an eval? A social skills group at school?
I have already found that having discussions with others about ASD is difficult. Thus far, I have had people ask whether he is verbal? Yes, and his vocabulary rivals that of a college professor (2nd grade dude used “torqued” to describe his frustration in a sentence last week). Or people launch into a story about that friend who had a child with ASD who refused to go to school, had to quit her job and it was just so hard. Not helpful after just receiving the diagnosis. Or how did we not notice until now?! Sorry for the tangent, but yes, it is challenging.
Anonymous says
Thanks — I’ve had to drive the bus on all of this since my kid is within the norms academically. I guess since we have a 504 meeting coming up I should ring the “she acts really Aspy and is getting teased and picked on; can we please do an evaluation” and be prepared to have to initiate/fund it if they don’t go along.
For the “neuro-psych” exam, can you describe what that entails and who does it (it a standard thing, like a WPSI test?)? Is it something I can ask our MSW contact about or is it something an MD has to do?
Thank you!
So Anon says
The neuro-psych can be done through the school, but we are going through insurance/the private route because the school told us that he “wasn’t on their radar.” We are pursuing this route because the developmental pediatrician recommended it. The exam will test his IQ, look into his anxiety and be done by a MD. We suspect that his IQ is high, but he is not being challenged in school because he can’t explain how he gets his answers.
Anonymous says
My high-IQ child cannot explain how she got her answers unless the problem is sufficiently challenging that she actually had to work through it. For easy problems, the explanation is “because that’s just the answer.”
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Daycare gifting question. DS turned 1 last month, and moved rooms. I’m thinking $50 to the main teacher in the infant room (where he was most of the year), and $25 + Nice candy to his 2 new teachers (who I have not interacted with as much) and the floater teacher who always handles pick up. In a HCOL city so happy to take feedback.
AwayEmily says
I would do $50 each to all three main teaches (old and new) and $25 to the floater.
lawsuited says
I am in the same situation (although LO has been in the toddler room for closer to 2 months), and I’m giving the same to the infant room teacher and the toddler room teachers. I’m giving to the infant room teacher mainly to thank her for past work (and a little because my second will be joining the infant room next year), and to the toddler room teachers to garner goodwill for the future. I actually think future goodwill is most important, so I wouldn’t skimp on the gifts to your kid’s current teachers and would give $50 gift cards to all and forget the candy.
OP says
Thanks! Will go for the $50, $50, $50, and $25 to floater.
Whattodo? says
Need some advice. I am having issues with my Mom concerning boundaries. My parents occasionally babysit for our son who is 2 years old (i.e. Saturday night Christmas party, etc). I have asked my Mom to not do certain things i.e. laundry, unplug night light, etc. She does not listen and does whatever she wants to do and does not respect what I ask. She is extremely nosey and thinks that if there is information to know she needs to know it (she would look through private documents). This is a much larger issue that but I feel as though I hesitate to have my parents babysit b/c my Mom doesn’t listen. My parents live about 1.5 hours away so when they do watch our son they stay overnight, etc. I am basically looking to see if anyone else has had experience with settings clear boundaries that are respected by parents. I am working with my therapist on this as well but wanted to see if anyone else has had experience with this. FWIW my parents have 6 other grandchildren (3 from sister and 3 from brother) my sister has basically distanced herself geographically and emotionally and my brother sees them in small snip its 2-3 hours at a time. It makes me sad to think about withholding our son in a sense b/c of her behavior. Thank you in advance.
Knope says
Does your mom respect your rules when it comes to childcare/is she otherwise a good caretaker for your son? If so, this seems easy – from now on, she babysits only at her place! If not, I think you need to pull back and find other childcare arrangements when you need sitters.
Mama Llama says
Agree with this. You can keep her out of your space without withholding your son. She can spend supervised time with him at your house, take him out and about, or babysit at her place, if she can’t respect your space. If you think she’s genuinely not a good care-taker, dial that back to only supervised visits/outings.
Sarabeth says
Agree with this. If the goal is to build a strong relationship between your kid and your parents, there is lots of scope for this that doesn’t involve babysitting in your house. They can come for visits while you are there, you can take your kid to stay with them occasionally. But hire a regular babysitter when you need someone to watch your kid in your house.
Wow says
It depends what your mom is doing. To be honest, her unplugging the night light is not a big deal. When you say laundry, do you mean you don’t like her doing your laundry or that she is doing her laundry at your house?
No person is going to parent exactly like you. She’s the grandma and as long as she is safe and loving, I think you need to let go a little. Re: nosiness, that’s rude and you need to tell her firmly not to look through your things (or just lock up the important papers).
Anon says
I agree with this. If she’s doing something objectively dangerous (eg leaving your son unattended in a bath) of course you have to draw boundaries and prevent her from seeing him unsupervised. If she’s a safe and loving caregiver, but is simply not parenting or housekeeping the way you would, you have to let it go. That’s the price of having family babysit for free.
Walnut says
I recognize that my parents don’t parent the same way I do, but I have never witnessed or have reason to believe my children are in grave danger while in their care. Based on those facts, I let most things slide. I recall having close and loving relationships with my grandparents and it is very important to me that my children have that with theirs.
My Mom can be 100% overbearing and stubborn in her ways, but so can I. The nut didn’t fall from the tree. Also, when I’m at their house, I’ll definitely throw in a load of laundry if I see it needs doing and if some juicy documentation is left on the counters, I’ll definitely read it!
I think you need to decide what boundaries mean the most to you and figure out if you’re willing to do what it takes to mitigate them. Putting away paperwork in a locked file cabinet and cycling through all the laundry could be easy to do’s before your parents show up to watch the kids. Other boundaries might not have easy work-arounds.
I will say, my Mom learned a lot about respecting food sensitivity boundaries the week she watched my son and gave him too much dairy despite my instructions otherwise. It wasn’t an allergy, he wasn’t in danger, but they both had a rough week. Now when I say “lay off the fruit juice” she gets it.
Sarabeth says
I disagree. The nightlight and laundry might not be a big deal on their own, but I do not feel comfortable leaving my kid with someone who refuses to follow basic requests. And poking into personal documents is waaaay over the line for me – please tell me you don’t do this in your friends’ houses!
None of it means that the grandparents can’t be involved in the kid’s life. But I would not be ok with unsupervised babysitting if my mom did this stuff in my house.
Anonymous says
My mom used to make my bed and do DH/my laundry “to be helpful.” We asked her not to and she did not listen. So we just locked our bedroom door when we left. She either was miffed or not, we’ll never know, but she doesn’t /can’t do it anymore. The rest we just roll with.
If these are your “cost of admission” so to speak for childcare you cannot replace, then lock your documents in your room along with laundry you don’t want her to do. Or lock up the laundry soap.
LittleBigLaw says
I started locking my bedroom door whenever MIL comes to visit for this exact reason and it has made all the difference. I no longer come home to a freshly washed and folded pile of my pant!es after her visits!
Anonanonanon says
We have some issues with my in-laws that I won’t get in to, but we ultimately settled on not using them for childcare. It is a shame, but it is what it is. People who don’t respect boundaries tend to be the same ones who are quick to throw it in your face that “they’re doing you a FAVOR and SORRY if it’s not exactly how you like it *huff*”, We don’t withold the kids, but we don’t use them to babysit.
My family is not at all local, and before I married my husband I was a single mom to my first, still in this area with no family. I promise that babysitters are not so horrible. My kids have early bedtimes, which makes it easier, because most of the time I’m paying someone to sit in my house while my baby sleeps. Using a babysitter only gets easier as they get older, as well. It helps us keep healthy boundaries when A. the in-laws don’t know every single thing we’re up to and B. they don’t feel like we “owe” them
AnotherAnon says
Short answer: no I have not had good results establishing boundaries with my parents, even through therapy. That being said, it’s important for me that my son have a relationship with his grandparents, to the extent that they are able to care for him and keep him safe. This means a lot of supervised visits with grandparents. I decided a long time ago that I wasn’t going to try to micromanage how my mom or MIL handle his care when he’s at their houses. Does he eat junk food and get his clothes washed in the “wrong” detergent? Absolutely. Does my MIL drone on and on with her religious platitudes? Yep. I don’t care. OTOH my mom and MIL do not try to tell us how to raise our son. Meddling in our business would be grounds for us not coming around any more. I think you have to decide whether your mom’s behavior is unacceptable (going through your stuff) or just annoying (using the “wrong” detergent). Good luck – this isn’t easy to navigate and I certainly don’t have it all figured out. Just wanted to offer one experience.
Anonymous says
Here’s the thing. Your boundary is “no babysitting if you don’t respect my privacy.” Drawing that boundary means since you’ve repeatedly told her what not to do and she ignores you, you can’t let her babysit anymore. That’s how boundary setting works.
Anonymous says
Honestly, just hire a local sitter and avoid grandparent sitters. Just have them visit socially.
anon says
I’m working on a mother’s day out application that has essay questions for my to be 2 year old. One of them is “what do you value in an early childhood program”? It’ll be the first program she goes to and I’m lost as to how to answer that. I just want her to having loving teachers / caregivers that keep her engaged. I’m not sure what I need to be looking for. The program is play based, but as are all the programs I’ve toured, so I’m not sure if that’s even relevant to mention.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!
Anonymous says
You have just identified what you value: loving teachers and caregivers who keep her engaged, play-based program.
ElisaR says
yes, i think you’ve answered your own question.
Some people might have a different, more specific response and they are probably trying to weed those people out. I’m sure there are parents that might say “we want a dual-language montessori based school that provides swim lessons and maintains a 2:1 ratio at all times”
AwayEmily says
I at first read that as “swim-based school” and lol’d.
MomAnon4This says
I guess you could elaborate as to WHY you’re looking for that.
If you STILL need more details (I am sure a 100-word count would be fine; 200 words would be a lot!) you could elaborate as to why you’re NOT looking for a more academic or more rigorous program – because this is temporary.
Good luck! At first I thought they wanted your 2yearold to dictate the essay to you.
Anonymous says
Returning to work later this week after maternity leave. My return to work after my first is a total blur — any tips for the first two weeks? I just turned on my phone and, of course, have THOUSANDS of emails, calendar invites for meetings I know nothing about, etc. It’s an internal consulting role, FWIW. Luckily there’s Christmas and New Year’s, so I’ll have three short weeks in a row counting this one. Baby will be with family for a couple weeks before starting daycare, and I’m not pumping so I don’t have to worry about that. Planning to meet with my manager asap, but any other tips for structuring those first few days? And not going insane?
Pogo says
Go in on a weekend to check out your office and make sure everything is how you left it or how you want it. There was like 2″ of dust on my desk so I cleaned it up.
I made a folder in my email called “maternity leave” and marked all emails during that time as read and moved them into that folder. That way I felt like I had a fresh start and not 5000 unread emails!
Walnut says
I did this with my second leave and only went back to those emails once or twice versus carefully sifting through all the emails after my first leave.
Also with my second, I started a project that had been sitting on my backburner as my first post-leave task. It worked well because I could start fresh on my own project for a couple weeks rather than hunting down in flight projects. Coworkers put me on the in-flight project meetings soon enough and starting assigning tasks on those as well.
Anonymous says
Don’t feel like you need to say “yes” to anything major these first few weeks. It is overwhelming enough to have to sort through all of the email, meeting invites, etc. (Don’t feel like you need to tackle it all at once. Block off an hour or two per day to get through it.) If you have a co-worker that can bring you up to speed on any important stuff that happened, that can be helpful as well.
rosie says
Organize emails in your inbox by sender to get through things faster, sort what has come and gone such that you don’t need to worry about it, etc. You go this!
IHeartBacon says
A non-work suggestion: create a separate folder on your phone of your favorite baby pics. Inevitably, a coworker will ask to see photos and if you show them one on your phone, the person will want to swipe through them. Creating a separate folder lets them scroll all they want.
WFH says
WWYD situation as a manager. Junior level (hourly) employee has requested to go-part time two months after returning from maternity leave. This is a nonstarter as it is a customer-support role with set hours each day. Employee comes back to ask if she can work from home two or three days a week…with the baby at home with her. I have no issues with working from home occasionally but responding to internal/external customer emails and phone calls is the most important part of the job. If the employee works part-time regularly, I lose some flexibility working from home when I need to (there should at least be one person in office for various reasons). Also concerned about performance in a customer-service role with set hours with a baby at home. Has this occurred to any of you or does anyone have someone in a similar situation on their team?
Mama Llama says
I love and use telework and would support my team in doing so as much as possible. But teleworking without childcare is a complete nonstarter to me, especially when you have to be responsive to customers.
WFH says
Edited above, to say if an employee works from home regularly, not part time.
TK says
I would say no. I’m all in favor of flexibility but you cannot be making professional work phone calls with a baby in the background.
Are there other jobs she might be qualified for that can be done part-time?
Pogo says
Check with your company’s HR to see if you have set policies – many employers (including my husband’s) have policies that state if a child under the age of 12 is home while you are working, they must have a dedicated caregiver. I’m firmly of the belief that you can’t do (most) jobs with a baby or young kid at home with you and no other adult to watch them.
If she does have a plan for care (a babysitter or other family member will be “in charge” of baby), I would try to meet her halfway and give her some wfh flexibility. We do have a customer tech support rep who does this, but her kids are for sure in day care. We don’t have the on-site requirement tho- she can do her job just as well at home.
One of my employees is part time technically, but she has a company issued phone and laptop and she will respond to urgent customer stuff on her off hours. She works 9-4 M-Th and Friday morning. This works out well because typically Friday afternoons are slow anyway. Her children are high school age, though, so that part of it is not a concern. She’s also an extremely valuable employee that we didn’t want to lose.
Aly says
I assume your employee is working from home and trying to take care of her child at the same time. If this is the case, it’s a total no-go for me. Customer service role where you need to talk on the phone is not conducive to infant care. Unless it’s an emergency, my employer has clear work from home rules – someone else needs to be providing child care. If you need someone in the office full time in this role, then I think you need to lay out this expectation. Unless employee is a superstar or you have trouble hiring, I’d be explaining expectations and seeing if this is the right fit for your employee going forward.
CHL says
Please work with HR as well – there should either be policies or support for you in making this decision in a way that is consistent in your company. And yes, working at home without childcare is not acceptable. Manage to the performance expectations. I totally understand that being away from your baby is hard and if she’s got a commute and just wants more time these are both reasonable “asks” but she’s got to have someone there who is taking care of the baby.
Anonymous says
Say no. Easy.
ifiknew says
Say no if you’re okay possibly losing her. I had a request like that to my last boss, who basically said no for part-time and flexibility. I found a job and when I was leaving, tried to offer me everything I asked for and more. Don’t be that person (doesn’t sound like you are), but only say no if you’re okay possibly losing this person. I think coming back to work is incredibly hard for a lot of women and full-time in the office is just not the best fit for everyone, no matter how you may feel prior to kid.
Anonymous says
I disagree with this. In this case the employee is asking for an arrangement that is objectively unreasonable (working from home with no child care) and incompatible with the nature of her work. OP really has nothing to lose saying no to this request, because the employee is already asking to be allowed not to do her job. By asking to work from home with no childcare in a client-facing role, the employee is signaling that she already has one foot out the door. Working from home with no child care is absolutely miserable, and she won’t last long.
EB0220 says
I would say no 100%. I worked from home for years in a client-facing role and the few days where my baby was home with me for whatever reason (sickness, snow) were TORTURE. Nothing happened. If you have a company policy refer back to that so you don’t have to be the bad guy. Ask HR if you don’t know where it is.
EB0220 says
Also FWIW I wholly support WFH with childcare but my field is basically programming or talking on the phone so I don’t care where you are really.
Anon says
is there a way to compromise? could she regularly work from home one day a week, or 2-3 half days a week but can you require that she have childcare while she is working from home? could you do it on a trial basis and see if/how her performance is affected?
lawsuited says
It is not possible to work from home without childcare. If my kid is sick and has to stay home from daycare I’m not working from home I’m taking a sick day and responding to urgent emails as a courtesy.
Anon says
This is probably true for most people, but it does depend on the age and personality of the kid too.
lawsuited says
The employee just returned from maternity leave, so she has a baby at home. The personality of the baby doesn’t change that they need attention every minute they aren’t sleeping.
WFH says
Thanks everyone for the thoughtful replies! I will definitely check with HR about this.
Anon says
I think you have to figure out if there’s a compromise that will work for her and your business. Can you allow her to work from home but let her know she still needs child care? Are you sure there’s no flexibility for a part time arrangement? If there’s not, there’s not, but I think some people have a knee jerk negative reaction to part time requests that isn’t fair or even really warranted.
If what you absolutely need is someone full time in the office, then that’s what you absolutely need. (But given that you’re asking the question, it sounds like that may not be the case.)
DLC says
Hi! Does anyone have a mother’s helper or sitter come to help in the evening, and can share what that looks like? Ie hours, duties, parental involvement, etc.
I work a lot of evenings (i.e. Home after 8:30p) and weekends so we are contemplating hiring help for my husband in the evenings because he is really getting burnt out with our two kids, ages 7 and 1yr. However, he is very hands on and we are not quite sure what would be the most effective way to use an extra pair of hands in the evenings. It’s the kind of thing where for so long he has been the sole one in charge of dinner/homework/laundry/ bathtime/ pick up/ etc. etc. that it will take a bit of a mind shift to figure out how to let things go and give himself an easier time in the evenings.
Anonymous says
Mother’s helper can prep supper, load dishwasher after supper. Put on kids laundry, fold/put away kids laundry, sweep kitchen, change kids bed sheets, play with kids so DH can sit for 20 mins with a cup of coffee after supper before tackling bathtime.
Anonymous says
also Mother’s helper can either help 7 yr old with homework or watch baby so DH can help 7 year old. Or maybe cook supper while DH plays with the kids outside in the snow.
Anon says
So we’re approaching this a little differently. We hired someone to pick the kids up from school, get them home, get bags unpacked, get homework done, and supervise the kids while they play. She is so good that she packs up their bags for the next day, and leaves the lunchboxes out drying so we can pack them in the morning. Then whichever one of us gets home first can then get home, say hi, and get started on dinner while sitter continues to play with kids. We eat early (6ish) so sitter leaves right when dinner is ready.
Then we eat dinner together, and spend the rest of the night until bedtime together as well. We do the dishes after kids are in bed to maximize time with the kids. It’s really helped cut out that SLOG of getting home and in the door and going through the mess of bags and papers and debris from the day. We get to come home and spend most of our time just enjoying each other – not goading on homework or searching for a permission slip or searching for the lost glove. It’s made a huge difference to our stress levels at night.
anon says
how/where did you find this person? sounds amazing!
Anon says
We advertised on Care.com. We weren’t sure if we’d get anyone, but the amount of applications was unexpectedly large. Everyone from retired teachers to recent empty nesters to students at the local community college. We ended up picking a teacher aide that works at the kids’ school. The kids knew and liked her, we knew she’d been vetted by the school district, and she was great in our coffee “interview.”
OldHat says
What I like about having a babysitter at night is that I can be hands on – but focus on one child at a time. At the end of the night I feel less stressed and each kid gets more quality attention. I could do it alone, but I am less happy and kids are less happy. If you can afford it, I would try it. I have provided my routine below, but this just developed based on our needs/ the capacity of the babysitter.
When my kids were under 1 and just over 2 we had a college sitter for 3 hours each night. Now that they are almost 3 and 4, we have a high school aged mother’s helper for 2 hours a night.
College age babysitter worked 4-7ish each day. For the time between when she got to our house at 4, and when I got home with toddlers around 5:15 she would 1) do laundry, 2) take care of pets, 3) get kids dinner ready, and 4) any other light household tasks we requested (sorting recycle, taking out trash).
Once we got home, she would entertain the kids while I got dinner on the table (which was usually started by her but finished up by me). While kids ate she would sit at table with them while I was 1) changing clothes, 2) checking work email, and 3) prepping my dinner to be cooked after they went to bed. After dinner she would usually sit with 1 kid while I bathed the other. Then we would switch off bedtime routines between the two kids.
Now that we have high-school aged mother’s helper at night, it’s basically the same routine once we get home from daycare but MH doesn’t do laundry etc.
Anonymous says
Is it frowned upon in large law firms to take a vacation in the same year when you will be taking a maternity leave?
Anonymous says
In mine it’s cool to take a little time at Christmas or a long weekend but other than that, no.
Anon says
Yes, except during Christmas or another very slow period (eg post-trial).
Anon says
I took two vacations the year I came back from maternity leave, but they were both to take baby to visit out of town family and I worked through part of them, but I didn’t get any push back.
Anonymous says
I took a 1 -week August vacation after coming back from maternity leave in early May. I treated it like a normal year, which I think is fair, since I also busted my *ss like I do in a normal year. Nobody batted an eye, but I suppose it depends on your firm and how you are regarded.
Anonymous says
Also, I closed a deal over my vacation, so it wasn’t really a real vacation. Basically, I’d say treat it like any other year and try to take any vacation if you can manage.
Anon says
I have an extreme first world problem – I’m supposed to go to Hawaii next month with my parents (they’re paying for everything). Flying solo with my then 11 month old. We flew (also with DH) last week and she wouldn’t sleep a wink in her carseat. After being awake for 12 straight hours, meltdowns understandably resulted. We dealt, the people on the plane dealt (I can imagine they weren’t happy, but at least there were other crying babies and it wasn’t an overnight flight) but it just really broke my heart seeing her so unhappy and not being able to fix it. I’m used to being able to give her what she needs, whether it’s a hug or pain medicine for teething or food…but she just wouldn’t sleep in the airplane/airport and I couldn’t fix that (I tried letting her sleep in my arms as well). The flights to Hawaii are significantly longer and the flight home is overnight. I know I’m incredibly privileged to have parents that want to fly me and my DD to Hawaii to vacation with them, and I don’t want to deprive my parents of time with their granddaughter (I know that’s who they’re really paying to see ;)) but at the same time I feel like a pretty selfish mom for putting my daughter through this travel h3ll with no benefit to her…she’d be much happier just crawling around on the floor at home. WWYD? Should I back out (and offer to reimburse my parents) or should I go and just figure the travel madness will be worth it for the memories (at least for me and my parents)? Fwiw, they live a couple states over and visit (or we visit them) every 3-4 months, so it’s not like this is her only chance to see them.
Allie says
Go! One night of missed sleep will have no long-term effects on your daughter. Can you give up on the carseat sleep and just have her on you the whole time?
Anonymous says
Do you have a baby carrier? I didn’t use a carseat on the plane. DH and I just took turns walking baby up and down the aisle in the Ergo until they fell asleep and then we sat down. Can you change your flight times? We fly overnight to Europe every year for the last 7 years and the kids almost always fall asleep within an hour or so after take off. Day time flights are way harder. We also use the Ergo for walks/naps at home which probably got them used to sleeping in it.
Anon says
I say go! I always want to back out of things like that based on the stress/hassle, but I’m always glad I went anyway. Plus, she might surprise you and sleep on the plane – kids at that age are so unpredictable.