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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- The concept of “backup care” is so stupid…
- I need tips on managing employees in BigLaw who have to leave for daycare pickup…
- I’m thinking of leaning out to spend more time with my family – how can I find the perfect job for that?
- I’m now a SAHM and my husband needs to step up…
- How can I change my thinking to better recognize some of my husband’s contributions as important, like organizing the shed?
- What are your tips to having a good weekend with kids, especially with little kids? Do you have a set routine or plan?
Anon for this says
Good morning ladies,
I am in need of some advice in real time, so here goes.
40 + weeks pregnant, just started a new midlaw job at the beginning of November. Due date was Sunday. Love my firm, it’s very family-friendly, but one of the side effects of being somewhere smaller is that HR policies…don’t really exist in any clear form. My maternity leave doesn’t start until I give birth, but I am so pregnant and so miserable and clearly in the early stages of labor with physical symptoms, but no steady contractions yet. A few weeks ago my doc said, drop down to half time or you will not have energy to have a baby, and so I’ve been going in a few days a week. There is, of course, no real work left to do, since I could literally go into labor at any second, but I can’t help it…I feel obscenely guilty for not going to work. And like a lazy, self-indulgent slacker.
Dear friends who aren’t lawyers are saying, oh, stay home, what if your water breaks at work? And I’m like, yeah, well, that would mean I am TRULY COMMITTED TO MY JOB.
What did you do, those of you who were pregnant past your due date but not officially on maternity leave yet? Am I crazy to go to work? (Hour-long commute between work and home/hospital) Am I crazy to consider not going in?
Help!!
Famouscait says
Not a lawyer, but- consider if your employer would want you to go into labor/have your water break at the office? I would guess not. Perhaps you could frame your absence as being thoughtful of the fact that no office needs to have a pending medical emergency waiting to happen at any moment.
And best wishes! You’re almost to the finish line!!
Meg Murry says
Are you listening to people say “I worked right up until my water broke at work” with the implied “I’m so dedicated” at the beginning of that sentence? Either co-workers or friends/acquaintances?
Don’t listen to them. You don’t need to be that person in order to be dedicated. Some people do that, because they feel just fine until the minute their water broke. You don’t. If you really need a response to that, you can say “I worked past my due date, and then until my doctor told me to stop working”
Or you can not play the “who’s more dedicated” game based on less than 1 week of whether you did or did not work out of your entire career. Stay home. No one wants to clean up after you if your water breaks at work.
Annoy Law Mom says
I agree. Stay home. I worked until the day before my first was born because I felt fine, and he was early. With my second, I stopped working more than two weeks before birth because I felt awful. It has nothing to do with dedication. Just take your sick time, vacation time, or work something out with HR for unpaid time.
RDC says
Do you have sick leave that you can use pre-birth, while you’re not feeling well but not technically on maternity leave yet? I stopped working a week before my due date because I was just so uncomfortable (read: in pain) that commuting was unbearable and I wasn’t being very (at all) productive at work. I was finally induced at 41 weeks so I was home for two weeks before the baby came. It was a great decision for me, I was much more comfortable and could take long walks and just relax. Can you lie and say you’re in labor? Have the doctor mandate you go out on leave? I don’t think anyone would hold it against you if you decided to stay home. Take care of yourself, it’s not easy being (very) pregnant!
Pigpen's Mama says
+1
Lawyer here.
My last day of work was the day before my 39 week appointment. In fact, posters here encouraged me to NOT work up to my due date/birth because I was just uncomfortable and tired and miserable and it was August. Baby was a few days late so I had about a week and a half at home to relax and try to get a few things done (very very slowly). I think that helped me recover from birth a lot faster than if I had been at work until I went into labor.
In the grand scheme of things, the people you work with most likely won’t remember, especially if you don’t leave any work hanging, which it doesn’t sound like you’re doing.
pockets says
+1 to no one remembering if you worked until you went into labor or took off a few days/weeks early. I work in an office with fewer than 20 people and I don’t think any of them would remember how long my maternity leave was.
Meg Murry says
Add me to the “not a lawyer, telling you to stay home” camp. Especially with the one hour commute part.
You are officially past your due date, which means you worked as long as you were expected to, IMO. If you don’t want to appear like you aren’t committed, can you get your doctor to “officially” recommend that you stop working now, so then you can say that you are taking off on the recommendation of your doctor, not because you just didn’t want to come to work?
If you were only going in 2-3 times a week already, you are talking about what, 3-6 days (at most, if you went a full 2 weeks past your due date) of not being at work – since you have admitted that you don’t actually have anything to do at work.
If you are at work today, I would get everything completely transitioned and then either tell them you aren’t coming back, or call tomorrow and say your doctor says not to come back.
(former) preg 3L says
I’m a (very new) lawyer. I say this with love. Stay home.
Carrie M says
I’m a midlevel associate, biglaw. I went to work through 40 weeks and then “worked from home” until baby was born. When I told them I just couldn’t come into the office anymore, no one said a peep. They called my cell phone and emailed me to do small, quick-turnaround projects for a few days, but nothing major.
Stay home. Rest if you can. Good luck, and congratulations!!
KJ says
I’m a lawyer, but in government, not private practice. I worked up until I was induced at 41+ weeks, but that was only because I did not get any paid maternity leave and I wanted to save as much annual/sick leave as possible for after the birth. I would not have felt at ALL guilty leaving earlier if it had been possible. It is worth noting that I started my current job 3 weeks before I gave birth, so I definitely was trying to prove my dedication and commitment, but I figure that a couple weeks of waddling around was sufficient for that. As others have noted, there is a benefit to employer of having a planned “last day” rather than just running out when you go into labor. Take the time! Don’t feel guilty!
JEB says
Also a government lawyer, and I worked up until the birth because of the need to hoard my available leave. However, I teleworked the last week. I’m not sure whether this is an option for you. It was really nice, because I’d mostly tied things up, so I didn’t really have too much work to do. But I was still very much available to people for quick things as needed and for questions/consultations on my cases that I’d already transferred to others. I was infinitely more comfortable and relaxed answering emails and phone calls from my couch in my PJs. Plus, the anxiety of going into labor during my metro commute was gone!
Just an option, to try to achieve the best of both worlds. Good luck, and congrats!
anon says
Lawyer, govt, worked until the Tuesday before my Monday due date. That day was pouring rain, plus I had to drop off other kids at school before heading to work. When I got in after all that and had nothing to do, I was like, I’m out. No one said a word, particularly because there was no real reason for me to be present in the office–that’s why they invented email/phones.
If you’ve basically transitioned your work, and you’re showing up for facetime reasons, stop coming in. Even one or two days “off” before giving birth helps–just rest with your feet up. If they need you, they know where to find you. The last thing you would want is to complicate or make more difficult the already-difficult process of birthing a baby so you could *maybe* get some facetime credit. Plus, it’s been my experience that other people, even people who’ve had babies, get a little terrified of you in those last two weeks or so.
Good luck, and take it easy on yourself before you plunge into the wilds of birth/newborn.
Maddie Ross says
I am a lawyer, and say take the time off or “work” from home if that’s what you want. If you want to continue going in though, I think that’s fine too! Your doctor is not right that you will be “too tired” to give birth if you don’t stay home. That’s BS. I worked right up until I went into labor (in the middle of the night). Labor is exhausting whether or not you’ve been working (hence the name). So honestly, you do you. If going in makes you feel like you’re not twiddling your thumbs waiting, do that. If you want the downtime, figure out vacation/sick time or offer to work from home. And don’t worry about your water breaking at work. Chances are slim of that happening, and even if it does, it’s not the gush you see in movies.
Manhattanite says
+1 to “working from home”. I’m a Biglaw midlevel, but my first arrived early. My plan had been to work until the end because I didn’t want to lose any leave at the end.
Anon for this says
Thanks all!! I have definitely decided to stay home and “work from home”. :) I can’t tell you how much it helps to hear from some other people who’ve been in this spot.
AAAAND I just said no to a same-level dude associate who tried to give me a “quick project” that I know from experience is a significant amount of work. Patting myself on the back a bit for setting boundaries.
JJ says
Former Biglaw lawyer that had two pregnancies here: I agree that you need to “work from home.” Good for you! This flexibility is one of the only major positives about working in a law firm.
pockets says
Lawyer, small firm. Go home. Seriously. To put it in context: you are contemplating staying home an extra two weeks max, will probably be much much less in reality. You have the next 30 years to prove how dedicated you are to your job. So you’re out for 14 weeks instead of 12 weeks? Big deal. The next two weeks are not that important.
Your boss does not want your water breaking at work. You do not want your water breaking at work. Don’t let your water break at work.
I was early, but at 36 weeks I told my office I was going to stop coming in at 39 weeks. No one cared and frankly I think they were happy they could stop looking at my beached whale self and feel guilty that I was working while super pregnant. It was good to have a definite cutoff date, and I think they appreciated knowing that after X, I was no longer going to be in the office and everything had to transition by then.
ETA: if you want to go to work because you want to feel busy, then continue going. I agree that unless your doc is actually putting you on bedrest you’ll be fine. But don’t go just to prove how dedicated you are.
greenie says
Not a lawyer… went out a week before with #1 and was miserable waiting. Worked up until 41 weeks with #2 and went into labor at work. I preferred the second way- but was 20 minutes from home/ the hospital. With an hour commute I would have stayed home after my due date.
D. Meagle says
If there is no clear maternity leave policy in place, no one can really penalize you for starting “early” right? But if you are still concerned, just work from home. At this stage of the game, you likely do not have much to do anyway. And I am sure no one wants you to go into active labor while in the office (especially since someone will likely need to transport you to the hospital) :)
Good luck!
RDC says
Hey moms! So, a few days ago someone suggested making a list for yourself before you go on maternity leave to remind yourself why you’re coming back to work. I neglected to do that pre-baby, but am back at work now and could use some encouragement. I’ve been back at work for about 6 weeks and it’s a real struggle — exhausting and I don’t feel like I’m giving my best at working or mom-ing, which is frustrating.
So – what are your reasons for doing it? So far my list includes: because I enjoy my colleagues’ company and having adult conversations not focused on baby issues; because I like getting a paycheck and contributing to our family financially; because I want to be a role model for my son; and because I think the long-term career satisfaction will be worth it even if it kind of sucks right now. Other reasons?
Carrie M says
I love the intellectual challenge and stimulation; I love helping my clients solve problems; I love putting my degrees to work; I love being able to pay off those loans! I love that my child is being cared for by good people and is getting good social interaction at daycare.
It takes time to get back into the swing. It probably took me 4-6 months until I felt like I was back closer to 90% of my old self at work, to be honest, and it was a convergence of factors: baby started sleeping better, I got busy on an interesting matter at work that I was excited about, I was sleeping better and exercising more, I had less “mom brain” episodes, we were all comfortably settled into a good routine, etc.
Hang in there!!
CHJ says
Good timing, because I came across this Ask Polly column last night and wanted to post it here for everyone because it’s a fantastically upbeat article on why being a working mom is actually pretty awesome, even if it’s a lot of work and you feel pulled in two (or a million) directions:
http://nymag.com/thecut/2015/04/ask-polly-do-i-have-a-baby-or-have-a-career.html
CHJ says
And for me personally, it did take me a long time before I felt good about being back at work. Those first few months are such a haze. But on the other side, here are some things I like about being a working mom:
– Money. Money money money. I feel like it’s not socially acceptable to say this, but money! As a two-income family, we make double the money we would as a single-earner family, and I like that. We are making double the progress on our financial goals, while still living comfortably and having tons of fun.
– Financial independence. Similar to Money, I like having my own source of money and knowing that if things go sideways, I have a profession and a professional network that I can draw on to support my family.
– DH and I having similar days. I love that we can talk about work, money, bosses, careers, etc., as equals.
– Daycare. DS can be shy, and at daycare, he has a stable set of friends that he sees everyday and he’s very comfortable with them. It’s great for his socialization and his independence.
Meg Murry says
+1 to money – even if its long term money, and you are technically “paying to work” once you subtract out daycare
Lots of people in my area become SAHMs because they basically break even when comparing their salary to the cost of 2 kids in daycare or a nanny, but the thing is, even if you are only breaking even for 5 years, after those 5 years you have a much higher income/earning potential than someone who took an extended time out of the workforce to be a SAHM. Everyone I know that has re-entered the workforce after an extended break actually had to come back in lower on the ladder than where they left, making it even worse.
JJ says
Ditto to all of these reasons. We just paid off my student loans from law school. We never would have been able to do that so early if I had stayed home. I like that my husband always tells me how intelligent he thinks I am and how much he respects me as a lawyer. Not that he wouldn’t respect me if I was a SAHM, but we approach our days as equally working parents. I like the “me time” that work gives me. I can run out and grab a salad for lunch and sit on a patio alone for a while.
ETA: Considering taking care of both of my kids over long weekends leaves me worn out, I know I wouldn’t make it as a SAHM.
I will say that I don’t remember much of months 3-6 for both babies when I came back to work. I think I was doing my best for that stretch, but I existed in a perpetual haze. After 6 months, things turned a corner and everything was much easier.
Noelle says
I think you got your bases covered (especially the role model point — that’s a big one for me). You can do it!
KJ says
All of those and because I feel very strongly that I need to have my own career and source of income should something happen to my husband or our marriage.
Plus, to be brutally honest, I would go out of my mind if I were at home with my baby all day every day.
RDC says
You know – I thought I would go crazy at home, but I had a great time on maternity leave. Went to play groups, story time, out to lunch. I thought I would be bored to tears but was surprised that I wasn’t. I think that’s part of why I’m now struggling to get back into the daily grind, when I remember being at home rather fondly. But I recognize it would be different if it were an all-day, all the time, forever thing (rather than a short-term stint).
KJ says
That’s fair enough. My maternity leave was so short that I didn’t really get to do any of those things, but it was long enough that I was starting to get antsy being at home. I think if it had lasted longer I might have felt differently.
pockets says
I had a great time on maternity leave too, but maternity leave is not what the day in, day out SAHM life is. When you’re on leave, you’re with a bunch of other women who are all in this new stage of life and have so many things to talk about. But then that dries up. You can only talk about naps and poop for so many days, and after 6 months everything settles down and even if you wanted to continue filling your days with talk of naps and poop, there just isn’t that much to talk about anymore. And then you’re left with a bunch of women who you may have nothing in common with and a baby who is no longer content to simply sit in his stroller while you chat over a 2 hr lunch. It’s easy to idealize but in reality it’s not that great.
CHJ says
Oh me too. I loved maternity leave. Loved it. Absolute bliss. If I lived in a country where I could have stayed home for a year, I think I would have soaked that all up no problem.
That said, I agree with the other posters who have said that maternity leave is different than being a full-time SAHM. Now that my son is a toddler, he can be a stubborn, challenging little person. I think it’s good for him to have a number of different caretakers — several of whom are not his mom and won’t cave just because he is so stinking cute. I also see my SAHM friends get into their own ruts of gossip, competitiveness, and struggling to find meaning in the day-to-day, and I don’t want that for myself either. If you offered me a month off to just snuggle a baby all day, I would take that in two seconds. But that’s different than committing to the SAHM lifestyle for years.
TBK says
Oh my god I hated being home. I wound up being home a lot longer than planned, and I had twins, but seriously I was so jealous of my husband every morning when he left the house. The first day back at work, I was like I’M FREEEEEE!!!! I love my little guys and the 30 min I have to play with them when I get home, plus the 20 min or so of bedtime (stories, songs, cuddles) are precious to me, but during the work day I’m FREEEEEE!!!!
Meg Murry says
Not one of my reasons initially, but as discussed in this article and as we talked about yesterday, in case of the worst case scenario
http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2015/05/04/death_of_sheryl_sandberg_s_husband_lean_in_prepares_you_for_a_worst_case.html
other reasons:
-to add to your “village” with daycare/nannies
-because I am way better at my job than being a full time caregiver, and our daycare teachers were way better at being full time caregivers
-because you like learning new skills and keeping up with your current ones
-because its nice to dress up and look professional, not wear spitup covered yoga pants every day
anon says
Because being home FT would be terrible for me, for my kids, and for my husband. I would be depressed, angry, and bitter in about a week, and that’s not good for anyone.
Because I want to have my own profession, my own goals, and my own path.
Because I like my job, and I like how I help people through my job.
Because if anything went sidewise, I feel better about my ability to weather a storm.
Because I’ve had long maternity leaves, and I just plain don’t jive with the SAHMs and that lifestyle in my area.
Because my kids have flourished at daycare/school, and it’s better for them to be in that environment than with me resenting them, or home catering to their every need–better that they learn how to interact with others, share/take turns, rely on and learn from folks other than their parents. I am a great weekend parent, but I would be terrible if it were more than that.
Because I want to raise my kids, especially my daughters, to think that everyone can and usually does work–I feel like I’ll raise better feminists if they see my work and career as equally valid as my husband’s.
CPA Lady says
I have a lot of reasons…
1. My husband and I have both been financially dependent on each other in the past and it really messes with the power dynamic in our marriage in a terribly negative way. Some people can do it, but we cant.
2. My mother was the classic cautionary tale of a woman stuck in a terrible marriage to a terrible person because she quit working to stay home with the kids and then was out of the job market so long that she was not able to leave. I saw that happening and swore I would never be in her position.
3. Financial stability and security. If the car needs a $500 repair all of a sudden, fine. No problem. Tremendous peace of mind– maxing out retirements, paying extra on the mortgage.
4. If I were a SAHM, I’d probably become an alcoholic. Or really impatient and mean.
pockets says
OMG #4. I never thought about it but yes. I would probably develop some not so great recreational habits.
dl says
(In addition to above) because bad things happen that our of our control – divorce, death – 6 years down the road, circumstances might occur where you’ll need to beack in the paid workforce, and if you’ve been out completely for an extended period of time it’s going to impossible to jump in anywhere near you where you left off.
Manhattanite says
I agree with all of your reasons. And would add that I need something of my own. Something other than mother and wife.
Also, you’ve probably heard this, but it does get better. The first year is the hardest. Especially if you’re BF’ing and pumping. I felt very different about juggling everything at 6 months than I did at 12 months or 2 yrs.
RDC says
Thank you all for the comments, it is really touching and encouraging. It’s good to hear that there’s a corner to be turned somewhere around the 6-12 month mark — and yes, the BFing and pumping are really wearing me down right now. And you added some really thoughtful, good reasons to my list, too. You ladies are the best.
MomAnon4This says
Seriously. This is great. I’m due any day now and I’m printing out this thread and putting it where I’ll see it in my office when I get back. Thanks, everybody!
Anon says
Late – but I’m the anon who posted that her husband very unexpectedly lost his job earlier this month. It was a total shock, but finances haven’t been a huge factor in the discussion. I’m very thankful that I can keep the boat sailing, so to speak, while we deal with the situation.
Anonymous says
Late to the party but one more reason: Because I have something of value to add to the world, through my work.
Spirograph says
Are you me?
To your list, I add: work gives me conversation topics outside of work that don’t involve kids. When I am home all day with a small child, I don’t keep up with current events, pop culture, or even my own hobbies very well. Working outside the home reminds me that I have an identity other than “mom” and I do more to embrace it.
ji says
Does anyone else find themselves really, really sad about the death of David Goldberg? Like, more than one would typically expect from the death of someone you never knew? Sheryl Sandberg wrote and spoke about their relationship in such loving terms. Even if I couldn’t really see myself in her description of her job, I could see myself in her description of her relationship. I have a great husband, and the realization that all of our intentionality about being equal partners in raising our family could just be over because of some stupid accident … I don’t know. I’ve been ruminating on it more than I would have expected.
CPA Lady says
I have a friend with two little kids whose husband died in a horrific car crash last year. I was shaken over it for weeks. It’s so horrible.
Also, FWIW, get life insurance, people. It makes me so sick when there is an awful tragedy like that and then on top of that the family is left in terrible financial straits.
Newly pregnant says
I definitely felt sad about it, and I realized that it’s because random events could take my husband away from me. I think it’s the lack of control. My “plan” is to be married to him for the rest of my life and to consider having that taken away unexpectedly is jarring.
OliveMac says
Yes. Yes. Yes. Thanks for saying it, as I have been feeling crazy for feeling so sad about it. I think about her literally every day.
JMDS says
Has anyone dealt with severe back pain during pregnancy? What has helped you? I’m only four months, and my obgyn thinks its to early for sciata, so recommended an ortho consult. Of course, I cannot get in until Monday and in the meantime I can barely walk and the pain is sometime so bad I see stars. I’m just not sure what I can do between now and next week to deal with this.
FWIW says
Does your ob have recommendations for either a chiropractor or physical therapy? Have you verbalized to your OB just how bad this pain is and told them that a week is not soon enough? Has your OB told you if Ice/heat is acceptable and/or any stretches you can do?
If it were me, I would go to my highly skilled and trusted chiropractor.
JMDS says
He gave me PT recommendations, but of course every place I called is either not accepting new patients, or doesn’t have appointments until mid-June. I am so frustrated.
Mom-to-be says
Then your OB needs to hear this and make different recommendations!
Back pain sucks.
Have you tried prenatal yoga?
FWIW says
I, random internet stranger, give you permission to call your OB back and say, ‘My back pain is such that I cannot wait until June (first available date) to deal with it. My pain is severe and I need more options who can get me in faster.’
You don’t have to be nice. Reasonable, yes, but not nice.
KJ says
Physical therapy and this thing: http://www.coreproducts.com/better-binder-abdominal-support.html. It was a pain to wear the binder, especially since I had to pee every 5 seconds, but it really helped my lower back pain.
ETA: I believe the binder is available on Amazon, so you could order it for next day delivery if you are desperate.
Newly pregnant says
That sounds so awful. Where is the pain? Can you do stretches at all? I had sciatica (which felt awful) and a few things helped me: stopping spin classes, cat/cow movement, foam rolling my legs/hips/hamstrings, pigeon pose, and rest.
LLC says
A pregnancy-specialized chiropractor helped me tremendously. I didn’t really believe in them before, but I do now!
JEB says
Definitely go to a chiropractor. I saw one every 2 weeks during most of my pregnancy, and every week towards the very end. My back felt better than it did pre-pregnancy! He was such a lifesaver, and I think it should be part of pre-natal care for just about everyone.
MomAnon4This says
Go get a massage, at least, if you can. It makes such a difference! I threw my back out and I never realized the back muscles I use while going to the bathroom – even that was painful! What a difference a pre-natal massage made.
HM says
Really try to make sure you are tucking your hips under at all times. It won’t fix the problem, but it should help!
Frozen Peach says
Tennis balls. Either put one between you and the floor, or ask your partner to roll it on your back. Game changer for me.
Also +1 on the physical therapy.
meme says
My two sons, 11 and 9, share a bedroom. Lately when I go into their room first thing in the morning, it smells like stinky socks. This is a new development. Help! How do I combat this? They do not otherwise have body odor yet or wear deodorant (but I’m all over it as soon as they need it). They shower every morning (and put on clean socks). Their room is tidy, we deep clean it every 2 weeks on a set schedule, wear clean clothes every day, and gather dirty laundry from their hamper to the laundry room every 2 or 3 days. What else do I need to do? Use some sort of shoe-deodorizing product? I’m sure they walk in puddles and get their shoes damp on the regular now that I think about it.
Meg Murry says
Have them keep their shoes somewhere other than their bedroom – or at least their everyday shoes, dress shoes could probably live in the closet.
Thoughts:
-Showering or foot washing at night?
-Move the hamper to the bathroom?
-Look for a stray sock hiding under the radiator or deep down in the sheets?
-Make sure there isn’t a roof leak into their room causing mildew to grow? We had a closet that gets roof leak damage but it wasn’t immediately noticeable since it was a dark closet so the stain on the ceiling wasn’t obvious.
-Acknowledge that boys just smell like stinky socks and its only going to get worse and not better. Maybe invest in an air purifier for the corner of the room?
-Shampoo the carpet if the room is carpeted or send out rugs for cleaning if there are rugs.
Anon says
Lol – re: “Acknowledge that boys just smell like stinky socks and its only going to get worse and not better. Maybe invest in an air purifier for the corner of the room?”
I have boys. This is my life.
anon says
Try taking the sneakers out of the bedroom, if possible, and/or get those old-school sneaker balls that you throw in, and/or wash the sneakers. Plus everything else that Meg Murry has suggested. Plus train them to febreeze their room? (joking)
Based on having two brothers, I’d say that smells are only going to get worse, not better, over the next few years ;-) Boy are just stinky sometimes.
mascot says
Meg Murry is wise. Can you leave their shoes outside in sunlight every few days or wash them if possible? Some shoes just stink more than others (I’m looking at you Keens).
My sons’ shoes are mostly fine, but his clothes never smell quite clean. We’ve tried vinegar rinses, sportsuds, double wash and rinse, etc. and I still smell the dirt. I feel your pain.
meme says
You’ve probably already tried this, but I’ve had great luck adding a full cup of baking soda (buy giant bags at Costco) to the wash load to combat laundry odors. That and switching to a HE front loader. I didn’t realize my old top-loader with agitator (that eventually died) wasn’t so great until I stared using the front loader and all the clothes instantly smelled so much cleaner. I’m sure the modern no-agitator top loaders would have the same effect. Here’s my full routine for combatting smelly boy laundry in order of importance: modern washing machine, lots of baking soda in loads I expect to have odor issues, Oxyclean in every load, HE liquid detergent, Downy fabric softener.
Meg Murry says
The Downy fabric softener might only be covering up the boy smell though, so once the Downy scent has worn off, and once the clothes get even a tiny bit damp/sweaty the full on boy stink might be coming back out. I’ve had this issue with athletic clothes – they smell clean when I put them on, but as soon as I start working out and get a tiny bit sweaty/damp the stink comes out in full force. Stopping the fabric softener and deep cleaning my machine to rid it of softener build up was what worked. Fabric softener will also build up over time and prevent the detergent from working as well.
I’d try laying off the fabric softener and see if your clothes are still coming out smelling clean.
NavyLawyer says
We had the same problem with fabric softener! It made ALL of the clothes stink, but workout clothes were the worst! Took cleaning the washer 3x with white vinegar, and 4 washings to get the smell out. It is also a top-loader, if that matters.
anne-on says
Honestly, to get rid of the ‘boy funk’ as I called it, I found amonia in the wash works best. You’ll need less detergent than normal, but it really gets out the funky mildew-y smell. I’d also suggest you skip fabric softener in favor of vinegar or dryer sheets, the softener can impede things getting quite as clean as you’d like.
mascot says
Thanks, already using front loader with HE detergent and oxyclean. I’ll try cleaning the machine and ammonia . We don’t seem to have this issue with the adult clothes or household linens.
meme says
Thanks ladies. These are great ideas. I’ll implement them and see how it goes.
PinkKeyboard says
They might just be stinky sleepers. My husband thinks it’s all the dog but honestly it’s about 50% him and it fades once the room airs out. And he’s actually remarkably unstinky for a man and has unscented feet (it’s freakish, he can own shearling slippers for years that smell like NOTHING).
sfg says
What was your most effective method for maintaining/increasing your supply? My spouse is unexpectedly hospitalized this week and I’ve been pretty stressed about him and caring for DD (8 weeks today). My pumping output seems to be decreasing (which in turn is making me unexpectedly sad even though I don’t love breastfeeding).
Thanks for the help…
Meg Murry says
Your supply may just be adjusting to what your daughter needs. There is a 6 week growth spurt where your supply may have gone up slightly and now it’s dialing back to “normal”. How much are you getting each time you pump, and how much is baby taking in a bottle?
#1 for maintaining supply is to pump every 3 hours (during waking hours, ok to go 4-5 at night if you and baby are sleeping).
For increasing supply/stash building, pumping after the first morning feed with train your body to produce more milk at that time. It will take a week or two to be effective though – even if you only get 1/4 to 1/2 ounce (total) after the first few days pumping, after a week or two you could get 2-6 extra ounces a day if your body responds like mine (and most of my friends) did. Another one of my friends was able to nurse on one side and pump on the other for the early morning feeds, but I’m not that coordinated.
But overall, be kind to yourself, and get enough to eat and drink, and as much sleep as possible – because those are the things that tend to tank supply more than anything else, IME.
Meg Murry says
and I meant to say this in my post *hugs to you*
I’m sorry you are going through something this stressful right now. If you wind up using formula either as a way to get through this rough patch or as a permanent solution, don’t beat yourself up over it. Plenty of babies are 100% formula or combo feed and are healthy and just fine.
Sfg says
My best pumping sessions yield 4-5 oz – last night I was getting about 2, so trying to nip this in the bud so that she can have enough to eat with her caregivers. When she takes a bottle, it’s anywhere from 2.5 to 5 oz right now. I am nursing her whenever I’m not at the hospital.
Meg Murry says
Make sure caregivers are pace feeding her, and not overfeeding:
http://www.kellymom.com/store/freehandouts/bottle_feeding.pdf
Do you usually pump at night? Your supply is often lower in the evenings than daytime, so it’s not unusual to have lower pump results then as compared to morning or mid-day.
sfg says
Meg – this PDF is very helpful, as I’m pretty sure she is being over fed. We are going to have some consistency in care givers beginning tomorrow, so I am going to print this for them. Thank you!
quailison says
First of all, so sorry to hear your spouse is in the hospital. I hope he feels better and is home quickly. What a stressful situation!
As for supply – I found Mother’s Milk tea to work pretty well when I was worried about dips in my supply. Also keeping in mind that your pumping output can be less than what the baby gets directly, so unless you are exclusively pumping it’s not a complete indicator of your supply. I can’t speak from personal experience on other ideas like increasing pumping sessions or lactation cookies, but the kellymom website has lots of ideas.
Manhattanite says
Fenugreek pills till your sweat smells like maple syrup. Deep breathing and focused relaxation techniques while pumping to relax. Your letdown reflux will be blocked by the stress. Do you have to pump or can you just BF for the time being while dealing with this unexpected stress? At 8 wks, you’ve probably just gotten the kinks worked out on BFing. It gets easier as does pumping.
Also, your supply while pumping may not be indicative of your supply while BFing. Baby is way better at getting your letdown reflux engaged than the pump is. Look at your baby while BFing and think about how much you love that little critter. Take that moment while nursing to relax and enjoy the baby. That will help your letdown while nursing.
Pigpen's Mama says
First off, many hugs — I can’t imagine how stressful this must be!
Are you eating enough and staying hydrated? Have you tried oatmeal or Mother’s Milk Tea? I found, at least that early, that those both helped me. Lactation cookies were also good for increasing my output.
And remember, the number one rule is feed the baby and the number two rule is take care of yourself. If it will help your stress levels, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with supplementing with formula. It may even just be a temporary thing until things get a little less stressful at home.
Good luck!
Carrie M says
More hugs for you. Meg is right your supply could just be regulating. But some things that helped me increase my supply: Fenugreek and Gaia Lactation Support Pills (both are on Amazon Prime and I did smell like maple syrup from the fenugreek, but it worked for me); almonds, oatmeal and lactation cookies that included both of those ingredients; trying to be relaxed; adding pumps in after nursing sessions and/or power pumping (10 min on/10 min off for an hour to simulate cluster feeding).
Can you rent a pump from the hospital so you can keep it there and pump while with your spouse? Are you sure your pump is working okay? If you still feel full after pumping, you may need to change out the valves / membranes or play with the settings.
I supplemented with formula on and off for a long time. One of my favorite sayings: it’s not about the absence of formula, but the presence of breastmilk – in whatever quantity you can give.
Good luck!
sfg says
Thank you all for your good wishes and tips – I have to make a better effort to stay hydrated and I was able to slip out and pick up tea, so going to start there.
Lilipad says
Would have tacked this on to yesterday’s DR thread, but I saw it too late.
A few months after I gave birth, I was told that I had DR, but a pretty mild case – one finger-width or less. My PT told me that if I wanted to, I could do crunches / sit-ups using a waist-support garment. I have been doing so, and I still feel some separation, although maybe it’s a bit improved. My question is, if you had DR, did you get rid of it entirely, or did you just reduce it? Trying to figure out whether it is worth going back to my PT.
Thanks!
PregLawyer says
I was trying to figure this out yesterday – what is DR?
Lilipad says
Diastasis rectii — separation of the abdominal muscles.
PregLawyer says
Thanks!
MSJ says
is one finger considered DR. I seem to recall it is 2 or more to meet the criteria. Genuinely curious as I also have a small gap but doesn’t meet the two finger test
Carrie M says
I’m not sure what the clinical definition of DR is, but I had one finger separation and my OBGYN said it was fine for me to exercise normally / without restriction. But I’m not a doctor so don’t take my word!
K. says
This might help answer that question: http://mutusystem.com/why-you-should-stop-measuring-your-diastasis-or-anything-else-for-that-matter.html
Essentially, not all gaps are created equal–core strength is important too. If your abs are doming at all when you do a crunch, then avoid those type of exercises. But as you get stronger, even if you have a little gap (one finger separation isn’t really DR at that point), those exercises can be ok.
PregAnon says
22 weeks and I am already OVER work. Not that I don’t love my job – I do. Great company, everyone is being nice about me being pregnant and moving slow…but I’m just so TIRED! I want to stay home in bed with a book. To make it worse, I’m in house counsel at a company with open seating, so it isn’t like I can close my door and take a nap. My car is a 10 minute walk, so I can’t nap there, either.
I’ll be going on leave about September 1…that seems like a lifetime away!
Mom-to-be says
You might get your energy back, too. Every week in pregnancy is different. Good luck! Take care of yourself. Make sure you’re drinking enough water, eating healthy foods, and exercising (walking, etc.).
Meg Murry says
Did you comment the other day that you have a condition that could affect nutrient absorbtion? Can you ask your doctor to screen you to see how your levels are – it could be that prenatals aren’t enough for you, and your iron, vitamin D or other nutrient levels are really low and that’s why you’ve been so exhausted this whole time.
Otherwise, I highly recommend scheduling your doctor’s appointment for first thing after lunch, and taking a half day for the appointment and a nap following it.
PregAnon says
I did! They just checked (last Thursday) and it all looks really good. Surprised the heck out of me! Checked for GD too. OB thinks that all of this may just be me taking a long time to come out of the first trimester morning sickness, and the fact that I’m small and there just isn’t a lot of room in there.
I’ve upped my water intake and started going to bed earlier…like 9:30 earlier…but I’m certainly going to bring this up with my doc at the next appointment. That’s next Wednesday, so not too far off!
pockets says
Have you been screened for gestational diabetes? I started feeling really tired around 22-25 weeks – I just felt really off, had full body pains, lethargic, etc. Turns out I had GD and the sugar in my afternoon coffee/apple I ate for a snack was making me feel like sh!t. Once it was diagnosed and I started on the GD diet, I felt much better for several more weeks.
waiting... says
I posted yesterday while waiting for my first beta following IVF (which turned out to be pretty good). I have my second tomorrow. Yesterday I had a bunch of minor cramping and a dull ache (which I’ve had on and off for several days), and my chest was very very sore. Today I have almost no cramping and my chest feels much more normal. I’m totally freaking out that the disappearing symptoms are because this is a chemical pregancy. Anyone had this happen so early? Did it mean anythign?
I sincerely appreciate you putting up with this. Even I think I sound like a crazy person.
Katarina says
It is normal for early symptoms to come and go, and not a sign of a chemical pregnancy.
JEB says
My first trimester cramping came and went frequently. I’d have days with none and then days with some, back and forth. I just assumed that my body was beginning to stretch, but it wasn’t doing so constantly.
I mean this in the nicest way possible, but it might be worth speaking to someone about your anxiety early on in the process. Pregnancy can be incredibly anxiety provoking, even if you aren’t already prone to it. And there’s always something to worry about. I thought it would get better after the first 12 weeks, but then you worry about the anatomy scan, then the GD test, then your one high blood pressure reading, etc, etc. There’s always something. I finally just had to surrender to the process (and for me, to God) and let some of the anxiety go as much as I could. I think this has been discussed here before, but you have to find a way to relax and let nature/faith/whatever works for you to just take over. There’s so little you can actually control, beyond being healthy and following the regular medical advice, that you will literally drive yourself nuts if you’re not careful.
I say that lovingly, not judgmentally, and I hope you don’t think I’m minimizing your concerns, because we all have them. Pregnancy is intense with such a huge range of feelings and emotions, and I totally get it. I can’t even imagine how much more intense the worries must be after going through the IVF process. But I hope you can find some way to cope with the worries and enjoy your pregnancy as much as possible.
Muppet says
Agree, it’s normal for symptoms to come and go. It’s really hard to discern anything about the pregnancy based on cramps, sore chest, etc. It’s just reading tea leaves.
Best of luck for your second beta tomorrow! I went through IVF a bunch and know how stressful that wait is. Will be thinking of you.
OP says
So helpful. Thank you all. And I’m already seeing a therapist who has been helpful (and I’m counting down the days until my next appointment!
JEB says
Glad to hear that :) Congrats to you on your pregnancy, and sending good thoughts your way as you get through these first few weeks.
Momata says
It’s finally warm outside! What do your kids wear on their feet in the summer? I’ve been looking for Keen-style sandals that cover the toes in 18-24m size (toddler 5s are too big) and have struck out. Given the choice between socks with shoes, and flip flops (even with an ankle strap), I’m going to stick with socks and shoes. But kiddo looked a little ridiculous and sweaty today!
(Are toddler 4s the same as 18-24m?)
Katarina says
I think a toddler 4 would be more like a 12-18 month size. I recommend amazon, it has a wide variety of toddler shoes, at relatively reasonable prices.
PinkKeyboard says
I think I’ve seen Keens in a 4 which I believe *roughly* equates to 18 to 24.
PinkKeyboard says
oops, Katrina is right and I’m an airhead. I vote order a ton off Amazon and return what doesn’t work.
POSITA says
Natives or Salt Water Sandles are my favorites for my daughter who is roughly that size.
Maddie Ross says
Totally depends on the child as to size. My 26 month old wears toddler 4s or 4.5s. Saltwater sandals are awesome on babies (IMO) and they run big – my little girl still fits in her 3s. Order from amazon and return as needed.
PregLawyer says
Amazing – my mom always had me and my sisters in saltwater sandals growing up. I love that they’re still a thing.
MomAnon4This says
Socks and shoes are safest.
I got tired of saying “put on your socks and shoes” so we switched to closed-toe sandals, but most daycamps (and kids) prefer/require socks and shoes for safety reasons. For us, sandals are pretty much just at-the-pool during the summer (We’re in the South, too, so there’s biting ants around here and stuff, too.)
I do get “summer shoes” that are more mesh so they’re cooler, and lighter socks.
meme says
Crocs because they can get them on themselves.
Jen says
I have her in light sneakers and socks or sandals similar to the saltwater type (daycare), or crocs (at home or beach, not daycare). She’s a size 5.5 or 6….with wide feet…and in the 4/5 sized crocs. The 3/4s may work for
You but may still be big. My kiddo was a 3.5 last summer and couldn’t wear them.