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Sales of note for 9.10.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Extra 40% off sale styles
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- Zappos – 26,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
- Old Navy – 40% off everything
- Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs
Anon says
Can anyone recommend their high-back booster seat? We’re almost ready to switch my (incredibly petite) kindergartner out of a carseat! Top priorities are a nicely padded seat, a high base so she can see out the window, and (hopefully) the ability to buckle and unbuckle herself. We have one midsize car and our younger kid is in the Clek carseat. A narrow booster would be nice so we can keep kind of using the middle seat, but it isn’t a dealbreacker. I’ve been considering maybe Chicco KidFit or the Nuna AACE but I’m totally open on brand and not super price-conscious. Thank you in advance!
Anonymous says
In similar circumstances we kept using a regular car seat of the “harness booster” variety. She could unbuckle her own straps in the school drop-off line, which she couldn’t do with the high-back booster because it blocked her access to the seatbelt buckle. She couldn’t buckle herself in, though.
TheElms says
You mentioned she is very petite. Is she 40lbs? I think 40lbs is the minimum weight for high back boosters on the market at the moment. If she isn’t 40lbs you might be better off getting a Graco Transitions or a Chicco MyFit which could be used as a forward facing harness seat until she meets the weight requirement for a booster. They both convert to high back boosters, and the Graco Transitions converts to no-back and is narrow. It doesn’t sit as high as the Chicco MyFit however.
AwayEmily says
We have three different ones between our two cars, and my kids fight over who gets to sit in the Chicco KidFit.
GCA says
My midsized 5.5yo is still in her harness booster, which is a Graco Tranzitions. We do occasional long drives and she falls asleep back there, so the 5-point harness is more important to us than the ability to readily buckle and unbuckle herself (she can do the former but not quite the latter). When she gets older and bigger we’ll switch her to the regular high-back booster mode and then to backless booster.
Anonymous says
I love the Graco Tranzitions. My almost 7 year old is 42 lbs but we still use the Tranzitions for road trips because I just feel a little better with head padding and a 5 point harness. His little bros are both in Tranzitions as well. He also hasn’t quite mastered the seat belt, locks it out, and I get really sick of climbing into the back seat to help him every pit stop. Just my two cents.
Anonymous says
Love this seat. We had 3 in each car and bought another three for my parents car. They are great.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
DS #1 is newly 6 years old and is still in his FF carseat. His height was OK as of a couple of months ago. He skews on the tall side, and may be an inch or two taller than the height max now. Once we get his height check at the ped (today!) I’ll switch accordingly.
My plan is to switch DS #2’s Graco into the high-backed booster mode for DS #1, and then DS #2 will go into the Britax FF DS #1 is currently in. I would like to keep the 5-point harness as long as possible.
Anon says
Britax FF height limit is 49″. My kid is very tall (>95th percentile) and hit it right around her 6th birthday.
Boston Legal Eagle says
My kids have been in the Graco 4Ever carseats since it feels like forever (ha). They started in the rear facing, then forward facing 5 point harness. Kid 1 was in the harness through K, although he could buckle and unbuckle himself in there, which was nice. Switched to the high back booster mode in 1st, and is now in backless booster in 2nd, although we did get a different booster seat that a was a little more comfy.
OP says
Thank you everyone! This is very helpful. We have not hit the minimum requirements yet- just planning ahead because she has been stuck in our travel car seat for way too long due to an unfortunate vomiting incident. She is a big rule follower though so we don’t feel the need to stick with the harness longer than necessary.
Anon says
Be sure to weigh her on an empty stomach, no shoes, light clothing, as she’ll need to be 40lbs minimum at all times, and weight can fluctuate throughout the day
anon says
Heh, I wouldn’t think a kindergartener just making the cutoff for a booster seat is incredibly petite, since my 6.75yos are just baaarely big enough!
In different cars we use Graco Tranzitions in booster mode, Graco Turbobooster, and Cosco Finale in booster mode. Both the Graco seats have great fits on my 40.5lb kids. The Chicco KidFits also look really nice, I just haven’t wanted to spend that much on a dedicated booster.
anon says
Oh, and for us the key to being able to buckle themselves in has less to do with the specific seat and more with propping up the buckle so it didn’t just squish down into the seat when they tried to buckle.
CCLA says
We have three, one in each car, each with pros/cons:
1. peg perego viaggio something (cannot recall which model, but it’s the narrowest on the market with cupholders that tuck in). be warned the angle was all off in one car to where it didn’t retract properly, but works great in my car.
2. Clek oobr – still narrow, different angle so better for some cars
3. chicco kidfit – not narrow overall b/c of cupholders up front, so difficult or impossible to fit someone in the center seat next to this, but narrow at rear, so better than the oobr for kid unbuckling and buckling herself, and the angle for retraction was great in our last car where the perego didn’t work
All three are great but work for different scenarios!
Anon2 says
Is she responsible enough to sit properly upright at all times, including when sleeping? For a 5yo (especially a petite one) I’d be inclined to keep the harness. We switched both my kids to booster mode around 6.5, and sometimes I’m tempted to switch my current 6yo back because he can be wiggly.
You could get the Chicco MyFit, which is very comfortable. Harness for now, and then it can switch to HB booster mode. It has a high base. We actually just switched from that to the Chicco KidFit because we wanted a lower base (easier for kid to reach the buckle) and more trim seat. Both are great seats!
Boston Legal Eagle says
I’m saying the thing I thought I would never say in that parenting bigger kids feels harder than littler kids. For those of you with infants and toddlers, feel free to ignore this (your days are very very hard too!) My oldest is only 7 but I’m already navigating figuring out what services he may need, seeing if he needs to get a full neuropsych evaluation (where? when? how much $$?), and what our ongoing plan will be in terms of home and school services. And even if we didn’t have these extra considerations, there are friend and other school dynamics that will come up, and also we have another kid who will deal with his own issues. And I can’t outsource this emotional, exhausting work, can I? I thought I could put more into my career when my kids got a little older, but I don’t think that’s going to be possible until they are much much older. I’m still constantly thinking about this during the day.
Anyway, no real question here, just putting this out there if anyone is feeling the same. I feel like my younger kid (5) is in that very sweet spot of not yet being in school, but past the hard toddler stage, and I want this to last but it can’t.
Anon says
I think some of this demonstrates how parenting has evolved over the past 50 years. There didn’t used to be the expectation to manage your kid’s friendships or emotional life at school but that is completely the case now. Of course it’s exhausting.
Boston Legal Eagle says
That’s a good point. I think past generations (just as a generalization of course) did not concern themselves with their kids’ emotional well-beings as much. But I feel like a lot of my work in therapy has been to address how I feel that my parents didn’t meet my emotional needs as a kid, so of course I’m trying to do differently for my kids. But maybe we’ve gone too far in the other direction.
GCA says
I agree – my parents were definitely not meeting my emotional needs as a child. I think we’re all trying to find that balance – not so much managing our kids’ emotional lives as expanding emotional capacity and developing tools for social and emotional resilience. (When in doubt, this is my number 1 parenting rule of thumb: what kind of adults do I want to raise? What do I need to do, or stop doing, now, to get from here to there?)
Anonymous says
Agree GCA: my parents weren’t meeting my emotional needs as a child and I’ve spent a lot of time in therapy and marriage counseling trying to learn how to feel my feelings and express them to my partner. We don’t need to be codependent on our kids but it’s ok to acknowledge we’re doing more work thank our parents did and it takes a toll on you.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I wonder if it’s also how it has HAD to evolve. Social media, less safety (e.g. gun violence), less community for many, more demands of time for all (I feel like work culture is dramatically different for our generation – in good ways and not-so-good ways), etc. – so more is ON the individual parents than before, too. And since our country still structures education (generally) with the presumption that 1 parent is a SAHP while 1 works outside the house…it’s just not setting anyone up for success.
I agree with BLE sometimes I fear an overcorrection but honestly after the emotional negligence that was (again, generalized) in the 80’s and 90’s, I feel like it’s more new terrain than an overcorrection of sorts, if that makes sense.
Anon says
I agree with you on most of these points, but kids today are more physically safe than they’ve ever been – they’re statistically extremely unlikely to encounter stranger violence or gun violence at school. Of course when it does happen, it’s horrific and high-consequence (and the fact that school shootings happen at all is a national travesty unique to the U.S.), but kids overall have never been safer than they are today. But the narrative has been that they are unsafe/need active parental protection at all times and that has obviously increased the parenting demands. I believe it’s something like less than 10% of kids who live close to school walk or bike there when in the 1960s-70s, it was more like 10% DIDN’T walk or bike.
Anon says
Yep. Small Animals is a good read on this subject.
Anonymous says
Same is true of violent crime overall. The data is imperfect because of a bunch of FBI data process issues, etc., but the fear narrative has become the perceived reality.
Anon says
my parents were involved and I was born in 1985 so maybe I was just lucky. i dont think they necessarily handled every situation in the right way, but looking back i think they did the best they could. i’m sure my kids will also think that i screw up all the time, but hopefully one day they’ll appreciate at least some of it…wish i could call my mom now to tell her that now that i’m a mom i realize how hard it must have been, but she passed away 4 years ago…so also a friendly reminder to call your parents while you can
Anon says
Sorry about your mom <3
I was also born in 1985 and think my parents were TOO involved! Of course they were involved in many ways that were great for me (spending lots of time with me, mom volunteering in the schools and leading some of my activities, spending a lot of time driving me to things and talking to me in the car, etc.) but they intervened in my friendship drama and school life in ways they shouldn't have and generally just coddled me too much. It's actually one of my big parenting goals to be more hands off and less nurturing than they were. I guess they were atypical, although I have several good friends who felt similarly smothered by their parents, so I don't know how atypical.
Anon says
Co-sign this re call/see your parents. Lost my Dad 3 years ago and miss him every single day.
avocado says
Schools certainly expect a lot more of parents these days. When I was in elementary school, our teachers broke down big projects into steps and had us work through them. No parental assistance was required with reports and projects other than dropping us off at the library. When my daughter was in elementary school, her teachers would assign similar projects but expect the parents to provide all the necessary guidance and structure. I had to teach my daughter how to use the library catalog, locate books in the library, take notes, organize her notes, outline her report, write from the outline, document her sources, and revise her work. All of this instruction was handled in school by the teachers when I was a kid.
Anon says
I think this may be school-dependent more than a generational thing. My elementary school had higher academic standards and expected a greater degree of parent involvement with homework than my children’s elementary school does. But they’re different schools so I don’t know how much of it is generational and how much of it is just different schools do things differently . In general I do think there’s been a big move away from intensive homework in early elementary school though. So many schools don’t have homework at all before 4th or 5th grade now.
NOVA Anon says
BLE, I’m right there with you, so just signing on to say you’re not alone. Mine are 9 and 5, and I’m so much more emotionally exhausted than I was when they were littler. Hugs.
Anonymous says
2/3 of my kids no longer believe in Santa. And my youngest, 5, is already a Serious Doubter (“there is no WAY santa is real, he could never make it all over the world…he must send his elves.”) but she does still believe in Unicorns so we have that going for us. I now see how 3rd children become the babies of the family because I do NOT want this one to grow up!!!
Anonymous says
Oh, and our new fight is that my 10 year old “can’t go to bed” earlier than 9:30, but is also an absolute monster to get out of bed and to school on time. Middle school (which has a later start time and is also bike-able so she can leave even later) can’t come soon enough.
anon says
We move from a 9 AM elementary start to a 7 AM middle school start next fall. I’m already dreading it.
Anon says
Ugh, why are schools still doing this? There has been so much high-quality research showing the benefits of delayed start times. 7 is absurdly early by any definition.
Anon says
We do this starting in 4th grade. My kid is in kindergarten and I’m already dreading it! Also hoping it will change before then.
In our case, the district uses the same buses for all the schools so it’s necessary to stagger the start times between the three schools across the 7-9 am window. I think research indicates that if someone has to start early, it would be best for the little kids to do it, but I’m selfishly glad we got to begin school with the late start, because my kid is a night owl and the adjustment to waking up in time for school was somewhat challenging even with a 9 am start.
Anon says
Because of HS sports and extra-curriculars, and because these kids are old enough to stay home alone. Can you imagine an elementary school dismissing at 1:30pm, with working parents? Because of buses schools have to be staggered
Anon says
Our elementary school dismisses at 2:30. All the working parents uses aftercare. I don’t think there is much difference between 1:30 and 2:30 in terms of working parents – either way you’re going to need an aftercare program or a nanny/au pair or family help. It is only when you get to 3:30-4 pm dismissal that a lot of working parents may be able to make it work without aftercare, and that’s unusually late.
Anonymous says
Gosh, how are people making a 9 am start work??? This is making me extremely thankful for my kids’ 8-3:30 schedule!! (Hard enough when you have two working parents)
Anonymous says
Our district has elementary start and end first. Middle and high school start and end later and share buses because each middle school is adjacent to a high school. It works well because elementary starts early enough that parents can get by without before-school child care, and older kids can get more sleep.
Anon says
Our school with the 9 am start has beforecare, and many working parents use it. That’s another reason I think the 7 am start isn’t necessarily worse for working parents – it eliminates the beforecare issue.
We don’t need beforecare but we live 5 minutes from the school and we can drop off at 8:45. We also have a reasonable amount of flexibility about hours, so starting after 9 am would be possible.
Anon says
8-3:30 is a long day for elementary school! Ours is 9-3:30.
anon says
For us, a 9:15 start means the morning bus comes at 8:25 and the afternoon bus drops off around 5pm. So it’s not really worse than 8-3:30, just shifted differently.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Our district has been debating switching hs start times for about 10 years now, it seems. We have the same bussing problem, so moving one start time means moving the others as well. There was a proposal to start the hs at 8:30 (great), move elementary back to 8 (fine), but also they would have had to move ms back to 7:30 (which parents were not ok with – some of those kids are teens too!) So it didn’t pass.
And “I don’t think there is much difference between 1:30 and 2:30 in terms of working parents – either way you’re going to need an aftercare program or a nanny/au pair or family help.” – a lot of the aftercare programs around here are staffed by hs students, so if they got out later, that would have also created issues.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Your last point is spot on – I’ve just got the two, but my baby is babied wayyy more than older brother and I don’t want him to grow up.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
BLE, big hug from me. This all sounds so hard and we are all here to help how we can, even if it’s just to honor your feelings as you navigate this.
A thought that is tangential to BLE’s post. I have friends that say that they are fine leaning out career-wise during the baby/toddler-early elementary years because they figure by the time the kids are older (like late elementary school – not as young as BLE’s kids), they will have more bandwidth as the kids won’t even want to spend time with them. Based on everything I’ve observed IRL and read on this board, it seems like although kids may not *want* their parents’ presence at the same levels as they get older, they still *need* the emotional and behind-the-scenes guidance, and a parent has to be emotionally and mentally present to provide that.
Anon says
Yeah, this probably deserves its own thread but I’m tentatively planning to quit or go part time when my oldest (now in 3rd grade) starts high school. I want to be really available for those years. I may be bored or unwanted, but I think that’s the time that will feel most crucial. I’ve talked to DH about it too. I think the timing will be pretty good actually.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I was an honors student and super motivated, until 9th grade. My parents were underwater with work, and helping family from abroad settle into the US. We had 10 people living in our 2-bedroom house. For parents that were always highly involved, it was the first time I knew they weren’t paying attention.
My 9th grade year I made pretty poor grades, did not pay attention to school or assignments, and was WAY more focused on boys and clothes. I’m not someone who can rely on my natural intelligence to do well – I have to study and prepare.
In the grand scheme of things, it was one year – once I saw my grades/GPA at year-end I knew I had to really buckle down the rest of HS, and I was a kid that happened to have that intrinsic motivation. The rest of HS was a slog at best, but I’ll never forget the lessons I learned on a few fronts.
avocado says
I think this is a very good plan. My daughter is a senior in high school. I leaned out to a part-time contract job without much travel at the end of the summer and wish I’d done it much sooner. There is just so much that she needs from me right now that I wouldn’t have the bandwidth to provide if I were still at my Big Job. Some friends and I recently had a conversation about how our teens all seem to be in urgent need of parenting every night at midnight. It’s a lot easier to say yes when I know I don’t have to get on a plane at 6:00 a.m. the next day.
In general I would say 12 months through third grade were the golden years of parenting for me, although logistics started to get difficult once she started public school. Our very demanding baby turned into a delightful, engaging, highly portable toddler and young child. Around fourth grade her emotional and academic needs started to become much more complex and the logistics and mental load really began to take a toll on my career and sanity. I am so grateful to have this year where I can give her the attention and presence she needs and deserves. I have so much more patience and there is more joy in our home than there has been in years.
Anon for this rant : ) says
Agree, my current life plan to to (semi-)retire by the time DS hits high school because 1) it’s the time he’ll actually remember and 2) so I help him (and hopefully any other kids) transition to adult.
I loath how much attention is paid to “being there” for your kids during the baby/toddler years. I’m still in the thick of it, but he won’t remember this stage. When I was young, my mom did all the good mom things – took a year off work, breastfed and cloth diapered me. Probably saw my first steps. Brava. Do you know what I remember? Her not being their when I started my period, needed to talk about boys, etc. FYI We’ve reconciled and in a good place now. Didn’t mean to vent, but I think we need a more holistic view of “being there” for our kids.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
This is exactly where I land when I hear my friends talk about leaning out in the toddler-early elementary years with the logic of “they won’t even want me around by the time they’re tweens” – but you articulated it way better. Like yeah, you may not want me there, but you will need me, and dang it, I WILL BE.
DH has core memories of being a tween-teen and alone often when MIL worked late, or was out driving SIL to her club sports. He’s fiercely independent, but also realizes he could have used some adult love/guidance and was lonely at the time.
I’m hoping by the time my eldest is in HS (about ~8 years from now), career-wise, I’m in a place where I have a lot of autonomy for all the reasons you outlined really well (I’m just not interested in going PT or leaning out at this time – who knows what will change). That’s part of the reason I’m good with staying and building a career where I’m currently situated.
Anon for this again says
At least you have one, lol. In addition, a friend did a informal survey of empty nesters, many who were SAMH, about when they felt like they were most needed at home. Nearly all said the teen years. So I’ll also take their wisdom.
anon says
I feel like it’s so situational…my mom *started* working when I was in late elementary. I was a latchkey kid and/or stayed in aftercare (was kind of a mix) until I hit middle school, and then it was a combo of afterschool sports/clubs, hanging around the school grounds, or getting driven home by friends until I could drive myself. I don’t feel like I was neglected or lacking in adult guidance or love. I just didn’t have any expectation that things would be different and I was doing stuff with my friends or spending time alone doing things I enjoyed (practicing my sports, doing art, reading).
Anonymous says
Same, 4:34. My mom took an extended leave of absence when I was a baby and toddler, worked very part time until I started K and then amped up a lot in terms of intensity and travel when I was in late elementary school. I was home solo most days after school in middle and high school and loved it. I never felt neglected or like I wasn’t getting enough attention. I actually think she gave me too much attention in the early days. She is killing it in her career (she’s still working at 72 and is in a very senior position) and I’m so glad she was able to lean in when I was at an age when I didn’t need as much hands-on care.
Anon says
my favorite stage was 6 months – 13 months and then 20 months – 39 months. i sort of joke it has all been downhill since there. i have twins and at 20 months – 39 months, which for us was also peak covid, they were just so sweet, learning to talk, any tantrums were easily solvable…now at 5.5 both go to speech, one goes to OT, one goes to behavioral therapy, need to find time for speech HW, they actually hit and push and scream more now than they did then. it is emotionally exhausting. last night from like 6pm-8pm someone was screaming and then this morning from 6:40am-7:10am someone (ie both) were screaming. makes me quite eager to wrap all their hanukkah gifts tonight…ha. it is so cliche, but little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems.
Anon says
God bless ya. I love tiny babies but toddlers are not my jam. And while I love small kid cuddles, you can have actual FUN with bigger kids – adventures out of the house with no one needing things ever five seconds, dinners where you can talk, games that are enjoyable for adults, watching them develop and pursue interests, etc. ( I did a ropes course with my oldest and it’s some of the most fun I’ve ever had.) They can also get themselves up on weekends while you sleep in! I have an 8, 6, and 2 (and am pregnant) and ages 2-3 never gets easier.
Anon says
Yeah I did a double take at someone loving 20-39 months!! To each their own, but I found age 2.5 and 3 to be the absolute worst part of parenting so far. Maybe having a teenager will change my mind, but elementary school is a billion times better than age 3 for me. I love the big kid fun too.
anon says
I also loved ages 2-3.5, even with twins! They were developing so many new skills and thrilled about the world, but also still pretty content to go along with whatever. And when you took them to a museum or a restaurant and they threw a tantrum so you had to take them outside, everyone is sympathetic because they’re 2. With 6 and 7 year olds, there’s a lot more judgement.
Anon says
I don’t have twins but I feel like we were mostly past the public meltdowns at 4 and fully past them at 5 (and I have a pretty intense/spirited kid). I definitely felt judgment from other people when my 3 year old was hysterically melting down all over the place, but maybe it was my own issue.
NYCer says
Same here! 20 months – 39 months (even all the way to 4 tbh) was just about my least favorite phase. I am loving the pre K and elementary school phase.
Anon says
At 5.5 you can absolutely tell them some version of this comment. I mean not in a threatening-to-not-give-them-presents way, but my husband and I tell our kid when she’s being a brat “this isn’t pleasant for us and we don’t want to play with you if you’re going to continue acting like this.” The other day our kid was being super whiny about holiday lights (which we only do because she insisted on them a couple years ago) and we just said: “We’re doing this for you. If you’d rather we do something else and not hang up the holiday lights this year, that’s completely fine, but we’re not going to hang them up while listening to you whine and cry” and it shut it down very quickly.
That was what was so hard about 2/3 year olds for me. You can’t reason with them this way. I feel like at 5 we have plenty of bad behavior, but it is so much easier to nip it in the bud.
GCA says
I think I’m in a little bit of a sweet spot at the moment, actually. Kids are 8.5 and 5.5, both in elementary school. They’re still in that solidly kid space without the exhausting hands-on physical parenting required of toddlers, but no one is on the tween social drama/ emotional rollercoaster yet.
GCA says
Got cut off, but what I meant to add is that I don’t ever want to take this sweet state for granted, either. My sister and I were reasonable non-dramatic as kids/ teens and I think my parents (who of course are classically taciturn Asian parents who show their love through food, etc etc) totally took it for granted! I also want to give my kids space and tools to work through their own emotional challenges in future, and think the groundwork for that has to be laid when they are this age.
Anon says
I feel like I’m in a sweet spot too. I have one 6 year old with some mild special needs and although there is definitely some sass and attitude that wasn’t there a year ago, in general this is so much better than ages 2-3 (which involved multiple meltdowns every day) and the baby/young toddler stage (adorable and not too challenging for me, but kind of boring). I love having a big kid who is reasonably independent and can do all kinds of fun big kid stuff with me, but still thinks I hung the moon.
I do have a very leaned-out job though, and I can see the desire to lean out in the school years if you haven’t already. Kids don’t really need you less as they get older, just in different ways and it is much harder to outsource conversations with your kids than it is to outsource diaper changes.
Spirograph says
100%
I remember at a daycare orientation, the assistant director said something to the effect of: It doesn’t feel like it now, but these are the easy years, where you can purchase high-quality care and focus on whatever else you need during the day. We will take great care of your little ones, and love them, and they will have a wonderful time with us and you’ll be happy to see each other when you pick them up. It gets a lot harder once they’re in school. There aren’t as many care options, and your kids’ needs will be more complex.
I didn’t really believe her at the time, but I think often about how right she was.
RR says
Mine kids are 15, 15, and 10. I always say it gets physically easier, but emotionally and psychologically harder, as they get older. Teaching my 15 year old twins to drive is a whole different kind of hard than when they were infants who wouldn’t sleep through the night, but both stages were/are hard. The older they get, the more our mistakes feel amplified. Their problems start to be things that can have real consequences for their future, and our handling of their problems become things that are going to define adult relationships. It’s a lot of pressure. On the flip side, they are amazing, nearly fully formed people, and you can really see all the hard work of parenting start to be reflected in who they are. My son was tough at 7. Through 10/11 really. An ADHD diagnosis, lots of work on emotional regulation, etc. There were days I was really not sure he was going to be okay. At 15, he’s an absolutely delightful human being–just absolutely delightful, with a great group of friends, a strong ethical foundation, and a toolkit for dealing with all the earlier issues–a toolkit I got to watch him build brick by brick over years. All that to say, you will get through it. It will be hard, but you will all get there.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Thank you RR – your last few thoughts are so so helpful and hopeful. I think we are in that difficult phase now, and I hope the same for my son.
RR says
I wish I could convey the utter despair I felt when he was 7-10. It was hard. I would give anything to be able to go back in time and tell the me of 5-8 years ago that we are going to get through it and be amazing. I hope your experience is the same.
ALC says
Hugs and commiseration here. I never thought I’d want to quit my “big” job and stay at home, but with a kid with developmental delays it feels like a full time job just researching, coordinating, and advocating for his care.
anon says
I agree with this SO MUCH. My neurospicy kids are almost 7 and they have been so much more exhausting to parent for the past year or so than basically any time except the first 3 months after they were born (and that was the exhaustion of having to feed 2 babies every 3 hours and never getting enough sleep, rather than the emotional exhaustion of parenting elementary school kids). I’m hopeful that things will get better as we figure out the right combination of therapy and meds, but right now it’s a really tough stage.
Momofthree says
I wonder to what extent this is due to neurodivergence. Granted, a lot more of our kids have it now than they did when we were growing up, but it feels connected. Parenting my likely ADHD, possibly autistic kid is exhausting. It never ends. I can never entirely predict when something will happen. I have to try and protect my other kids from his behavior AND I have to try to explain to my younger children why they can’t provoke their older brother which they often don’t get. I never know the message I’m going to get from school. I worry about friendships because I worry he’s becoming the bully/ the kid others are afraid of. I’m doing what I can to stop him from doing it, but I feel other parents looking at me, thinking he’s a bad kid & I must be doing something wrong.
I love him more than anything and want him to be successful. He is also responsible for so much stress in my & my husband’s life. It’s hard. Getting answers takes forever and leads to more questions. I’ve in the process of accepting it will not get easier any time soon.
Another Mom of Three says
Hugs from me. Neurodivergence certainly levels up the difficulty. Two of my kids are diagnosed with ADHD and I wonder about the third. One just started taking medication (like, yesterday) and today was in tears before school when younger sibling apparently teased for “needing medicine to stay calm.” I feel OK about how I handled it — I need glasses, some people need a wheelchair, some people need allergy medicine or insulin, and none of that is anything to feel bad about! Aren’t we lucky that smart people have figured out how to make life easier, and we are able to get the things we need? + a stern talking-to for the younger one about how we do not make fun of people, especially not for things about their body that they can’t control.
If it weren’t that, it would be something else, but yes, it’s exhausting to have three little powder kegs running around my house.
Anon says
The neurodivergence thing is so hard. I have 2 ADHD kids, 1 who probably is also autistic and the other who probably has diagnosable anxiety and it’s so much more challenging than parenting neurotypical kids, partly because of the complete unpredictability.
Anon says
obviously i don’t know you, but the only time i have ever thought of a parent as somewhat responsible for their child’s behavior was when i met a girl’s mom for the first time and she was complaining that the teacher contacted her bc her child hit someone at school and said the school should just deal with it…it was in prek4 and yes, the school was dealing with it, but they also do need to notify parents (my daughter was later the victim of this girl who once cut my daughter’s dress out out of frustration, colored on my daughter’s dress with markers and pulled a necklace off of her neck)….this parent had no interest in working with anyone to figure out better strategies for their child. most of us (like you) are just doing our best
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes, this is definitely a big part of it. The exhaustion and stress of parenting a kid who maybe needs more than what is “mainstream.” And I think kids in the past have had neurodifferences, but a lot of the time, this was swept under the rug or not properly managed. And I think all of us here want better for our kids!
Anon says
This is all so true as a parent of a pre-teen. I am so glad I pushed hard in my career during the daycare years to have the freedom and flexibility in my work now to be there now.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Thanks all, for the sympathetic replies. I knew that parenting bigger kids (and mine aren’t even that big yet!) would be more emotional, but it’s still hard when you’re in it. And I agree that parents of the past didn’t worry or at least show worry as much, but I think a lot of mental health issues get worse that way, and I want to do better. Even though it’s more exhausting for me. And the reality is that some kids are harder to parent than others. Harder doesn’t mean I’m not grateful or that they’re worse (often, it’s a good exercise of examining my own issues), it’s just hard.
Baby shower OP says
I’m the baby shower OP from yesterday – just wanted to thank everyone for their input and kind comments – especially from the poster who told me about her own 32 week baby that’s doing so well now! My shower hosts live out of town and I’m doing a lot of the initial leg work to get a venue booked etc. I am going to reach out to the venue to see if its available the dates that my MIL can make it and keep reminding myself to not borrow trouble.
Anon says
FWIW my shower is scheduled for when I’m 35.5 weeks!
EP-er says
Friends, my not quite 12 year old is a woman! I don’t think that it is right to share this IRL with anyone, but I am having feelings. She has been *so* moody, I knew it was coming. My mom never, ever talked about this with me about puberty, and I just remember being so embarrassed. And throwing away stained underwear/pants and using toilet tissue instead of pads, which I would have to ask my mom (who wouldn’t talk about these things!) to buy. And stealing my older sisters tampons. I have been trying to normalize it with my daughter (because, you know, it is normal…) At the beginning of the year (at her pediatrician’s suggestion) we talked, I bought a book for her to read on her own, I stocked the bathroom with pads. When school started, I made sure she had a little pouch of supplies in her backpack.
She felt that she could come to me and tell me about it and that makes me proud of her.. and myself. I guess my PSA for today is don’t wait to have the convo with your kids. Prepare them so they are ready and not freaked out and will talk to you.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
This is awesome! Great job :)
Anonymous says
This is lovely to hear :) She might like watching “Catherine Called Birdy”? I watched it while folding laundry on a recent Friday night and it was charming and obviously very relevant to that life stage.
EP-er says
Thanks for the recommendation — I haven’t seen this one, but it looks good!
Anon says
How did you talk about it with her? I need to have the conversation with my daughter soon and keep postponing because I am nervous as to what to say!
Anonymous says
Not OP, but I outsourced to an in-person class with Girlology and it was fantastic.
EP-er says
I was totally nervous too, because it isn’t like I had a good example to follow & my sister has boys, so she was no help. Personally, I am fan of conversations like this in the car or outside on walks/hikes, where you don’t have to make eye contact. LOL. After the pediatrician said during her well check that we needed to talk, I just did it on the way home. We have always talked about how our bodies are amazing — look at how that cut healed! look at those cartwheels! things like that. So we talked about how women’s bodies are even more amazing because they can grow people! (But you won’t do do that for a long time yet…) And we talked a little bit about the mechanics of periods. I tried to be factual and not weird about it. Then I bought her a book and told her she could read it and we could talk about it when she was ready. And she did ask a few questions. And I bought some pads, and we talked about how they worked and looked at them together and then I just put them under her bathroom sink so they were there when she needed them.
Now that she started, I told her she might get cramps and just to ask for some ibuprofen. (God, I wish my mother had offered that!) And that if she gets blood on her sheets or clothes, to say something and we will wash it. Just very matter of fact.
Without my ped’s prompting, I probably would have avoided the conversation… but some of her friends started in 5th grade. So you might have less time than you think.
Anonymous says
It doesn’t have to be awkward. Surely your daughter knows you get your period? My 4yo boy and 6yo girl know that “If a mommy doesn’t have a baby in her belly she bleeds once a month and it’s totally normal”. My 6yo girl knows that when kids get to puberty they start to grow body hair etc…We just talk about stuff very matter of fact, like even I get migraines with my period. Some girls, depending on ethnicity, start in 3rd grade now! We had very informative classes on this in public school in 4th grade so if your child is 4th grade or above I would have the conversation like this week.
DLC says
There is a fabulous episode of The Puberty Podcast that about periods that I highly recommend. It really helped me when I talked to my oldest about her period. Also revolutionary to me was they said, “Tell her it’s okay to throw out her underwear.” My mother always insisted that I hand wash my underwear when I stained it and while I understand the frugality of this, it was also really hard for me. Being able to approach having a period with grace and without shame was key for the talks I had with my daughter. It’s just something that we have to deal with in life, and the more matter of fact, the better, I think.
Anonymous says
Christmas card question: we had our family photos takenover the weekend and I think I’ll get them back by Friday. If I order Christmas cards Friday, I’ll get them late next week. Is that too late to send Christmas cards? Is there a service that will mail them for you or am I being extra? It’s important to me that I am in the Christmas card photo, so for that reason I won’t be using a bunch of candid photos of my kids (trying to get better about proof of mom). Should I just send new years cards? I know this is silly but interested to hear what your opinion is.
Anonymous says
Just send them
Anon says
Not too late. The end of next week is Dec 15, that’s plenty of time! While ideally I like to get Christmas cards out sooner in the month, most people don’t, and that’s okay. It’s lovely to receive a card anytime…but as long as it’s there by Dec 22 (since people might leave that night if traveling) then you are still in the sweet spot.
By New Years, I’m not hanging any new cards up and starting to think about taking all the old ones down, so it seems less impactful then.
Anonie says
Definitely not too late! I think any time through early January is perfectly fine – it’s still “the season.”
Anonymous says
I can’t fathom why sending Christmas cards the 2nd week of December would be too late? That doesn’t even make sense to me. Is there some kind of social pressure that says that cards should be sent in a certain time in December? I’m just impressed when anyone sends them at all.
Anonymous says
OP here: for some reason I was thinking THIS is the second week of December. I’m being extra. Just gonna send them! Thanks!
Spirograph says
TL/DR: Not to late.
I just ordered my cards last night. Most of the big card-printers do have a service that will print addresses and mail your cards for you, directly (on Shutterfly, it’s 99 cents extra per card, which I decided was not worth it.) Supposedly they’ll be delivered to me by the 14th, and then I’ll hand-write addresses & notes on some of them and put them back out in the mail in a couple of days.
Also, I have definitely sent “happy new year!” cards when I was really slow. Either way is fine! I love getting holiday cards, I would never judge someone for sending a Christmas card “late,” even if it arrived after Dec 25. I’d just be happy to see it!
Spirograph says
too. gah!
Anon says
Someone recommended Postable on here last year and I used them. They can automatically print and mail out Christmas cards quickly. It took a while to upload the addresses into their website. But it was so convenient. If I didn’t need a niche card design this year I would have used them again in a heart beat.
Anon says
Yup, that may have been me. :) We use Postable for the whole thing. It isn’t cheap, but this gets our cards out efficiently. We also have a very neutral design, as our cards also go family abroad that doesn’t have the same holiday season as us.
anonamama says
Simply To Impress can mail them for you if you upload an excel list & pay the postage! There’s an extra cost, but with their promo codes, they are still very affordable. FYI for anyone in this situation!!
Boston Legal Eagle says
Shutterfly can also address and mail them for you. That’s what we’ve been doing for the last few years. It’s not personalized, but that’s ok with me.
Anon says
My Kindergartener’s friends, who do not celebrate Christmas, have told him Santa isn’t real and my kid feels really badly *for Santa.* Any suggestions on how to navigate, with the added wrinkle that we celebrate Christmas and Hanukah, so I feel like I can’t say that some kids get presents from Santa and others get presents on other holidays? My kid only gets one present from Santa, and its not a big one, but I’m still not ready to tell him Santa isn’t real since he clearly still believes.
Anonymous says
For Santa! That is so sweet. I would brush it off “well that’s what they believe and that’s fine. People believe different things. What did you ask Santa for this year? Should we write him a letter?”My oldest is 7 and asking lots of questions and I try to kind of dodge the direct questions (well how do YOU think he gets into houses with no chimneys?) and keep it light.
Anonymous says
I know how he gets into houses with no chimneys! We have a gas fireplace with no chimney, so when our daughter was a baby my mother gave us a Santa key. It is a giant fake old-fashioned key that hangs on the tree until bedtime on Christmas Eve, when we hang it on the front doorknob for Santa to use. It is magical so it only works for Santa. Santa leaves they key next to the cookie plate when he is done.
test run says
OMG this is adorable.
Spirograph says
Oh wow, I love this so much! We do have a fireplace and a chimney, and now I’m a little sad that we have no need for a Santa Key!
Anon says
so i’m confused – other kids told your kid Santa isn’t real and your kid feels badly for Santa as a result? I feel like I don’t understand that reasoning…I always try to turn this back on my kids and ask them what they think and then usually they end up switching topics ( i have to kindergartners and we are jewish, but have had this discussion re the tooth fairy(
Anonymous says
It makes perfect sense to me. Wouldn’t you be sad if people didn’t believe you existed?
OP says
Sorry that a Kindergarteners logic confused you; he’s 5, that happens, though it doesn’t seem to be confusing to others. In any event, in the future, before posting anonymously online, please stop for a second and think about whether you’re being helpful and/or adding to the conversation or being unnecessarily critical.
Anonymous says
Well, in my very secular non church going family that celebrates what I call “secular Christmas” (Santa, snacks and family, not church and Jesus), I was explaining how different people believe in different things, and people that go to church believe Jesus was the son of God, so he is real to some people but not everyone believes in those things (my kids have more actively Jewish friends than actively Christian ones)…and my 5 year old took that to mean that Jesus hangs with Santa, Unicorns and the Tooth Fairy among “magic things not all people believe in.” I mean, I’m kind of here for that TV show.
Anonymous says
We deal with this a lot – we celebrate Christmas but DH’s family in European and celebrate Christmas but it’s not Santa but ‘Christkind’ (Christ child) who brings presents. Our line is that Santa brings presents because we are celebrating the birthday of Jesus just like we get presents on our birthday. And Santa only brings presents if you write him a letter and Christkind brings presents to kids who celebrate Christmas but who don’t write Santa a letter (their first cousins on DH’s side). Basically figure out your explanation and then expand as needed to address new stuff.
As kids get older they will learn that there are different traditions and celebrations. Like our kids are only allowed to ask for 3 non-huge and non-electronic things (or like no Switch/ipad etc), youngest kid’s BFF asks for something to wear, something to share, something to play, something to read. Kids next door had Santa bring them multiple new apps last year.
We don’t do the elf but we do celebrate St. Nikolaus day on Dec 6. I spend a lot of December saying ‘every family celebrates important holidays differently’.
Anon says
Oof, sorry this happened to your kid. Our family is Jewish and my kid has always known Santa isn’t real, but we had many conversations beginning when she was about 3 about how other people believe and it’s not nice to spoil it for them. I would feel horrible if my kid ruined Santa for someone at this young of an age.
Ai says
It doesn’t sound like anything was ruined and OP’s kid still believes. I wouldn’t worry about this beyond using it as an opportunity to discuss the fact that different people believe different things.
Lily says
I can’t seem to find a max height limit for rear-facing in the Nuna Rava, so crowdsourcing … am I crazy to have my just-turned-5 year old still rear-facing? She is 42 inches tall and 38 lbs. Her legs look a little uncomfortable but she has never complained. My mom thinks I’m torturing her. I also anticipate drama when she turns forward and my 2-year-old is still rear facing, but obviously that isn’t a valid factor to take into account.
Anon says
Many car seats have a rule that there needs to be 1” of space between the top of the child’s head and the top of the car seat shell, so check that, too. But as long as she’s within the limits, it’s parent preference.
I am a big proponent of extended RF, too, but at 5 the increased safety benefits are very very small. Her bones are ossified/developed enough to safely FF.
Can she get herself in RF and properly do up the buckle herself? Personally, giving my kids more independence and taking that task off my plate (of course I’d check them over) was a big perk of switching!
Anonymous says
It’s pretty weird
Anon says
Ha! I have to admit, this was my gut reaction as well. You do you, of course, but I am kind of with your mom on this one. I have a similar aged daughter, and I can’t imagine her in a rear facing car seat at this point.
Anon says
On the contrary, my small 5 year old has been forward-facing for a while, but sits rear-facing occasionally when in my parents car and prefers rear-facing. His legs dangle when FF, which he says is less comfortable than RF. Physically, it’s not torture (and most 5 year olds can tell you if it is), but at some point it may become an issue socially if other kids see her and make fun of her.
Anon says
This doesn’t seem like something 5 year olds would make fun of. I have a 5 year old and she doesn’t notice or care how other kids sit in the car.
anon says
It is 49 inches for both rear facing and forward facing (but different weight limits for each).
https://usasupport.nunababy.com/hc/en-us/articles/360049585791-RAVA-Convertible-Car-Seat-FAQ#:~:text=What%20are%20the%20age%20and,the%20Lower%20Anchors%20(LATCH).
My just-turned 3 year old is similar stats (42 inches and 40 lbs) and she has no complaints about sitting rear facing in her Exec. We plan to keep her that way until she maxes out for height (49 inches) or weight (50 lbs for seat belt).
Anonymous says
It’s not totally crazy but I think you’re sacrificing a lot of kid comfort for a small gain in safety.
Anon says
I know small 1st graders who are still RFing. It’s unusual, but no reason not to if it works for your family.
The RF max is 50 lbs, 49″ tall, or head above the top of the headrest, btw, so sounds like she’s well within that unless she has a really tall torso.
Anon says
It’s not common, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it as long as she meets the height and weight requirements and hasn’t complained about being uncomfortable. Fwiw, I turned my very tall kid forward around her third birthday and my mom acted like I was torturing her by making her be rear-facing that long. And continues to act like we’re torturing her by having her in a carseat, not a booster (she’s almost 6 and still fits in the carseat). Grandmas just love to complain about this I think ;)
Anon says
Girl, yes. My MIL was also pearl clutching, we did not flip either kid until between 2.5-3. She also is one of those that says “Well, you all did not sit in car seats and all turned out fine” (about carseats and many other things…it’s like no, dude, a lot of kids got severely injured and/or died, but ok…) and while she follows our rules on safety I know she thinks they are overwrought compared to what she and my SIL do. It’s fun!
anonamama says
Wow, yes this happened for me too! We’re turning 4 yo son around soon, but my dad has been face palming and belly aching over how uncomfortable kiddo must be and how “dizzy riding backwards makes you feel’ from his days in the back of a station wagon. OK, boomer.
Not weird says
Not weird at all. It’s safer (not sure where the data on a very very small difference comes from?) and also the drama of having a younger sibling facing the opposite direction is a real thing. My very tall 5 year old sat rear facing until recently. Now he and his younger brother are constantly seeing things the other can’t see out the window, etc. It’s a lot of drama.
Anon says
Gah just a vent about the timelines for public school services. We put in a request for evaluation (for speech) the summer before my kid started K. They were supposed to have 60 school days to do the evaluation. They did a quick screening and said she qualified for full evaluation, but no evaluation yet. It has obviously been way more than 60 school days by now and the latest update is that it “should happen before spring break” which is in March!! Ugh. It seems like this isn’t the end of the world (the teacher says she is understood by peers and adults and doesn’t seem terribly concerned) but I really feel for people with more severe special needs, because it’s so frustrating getting the school to do anything.
Anon says
I have asked for speech evaluations at three different schools and three different grades (public preK, K, 1st). Always before the pathologist told us he was at the low end of average but still in range so just wait. Finally he is now getting weekly therapy, as he still struggles pronouncing several letters and it’s starting to impact his writing. I think unless something is severely disrupting the classroom/learning, it’s hard to get schools to take you seriously or move quickly (often because they are overwhelmed with needs, no shade to our public teachers and schools!)
Anonymous says
Find the magic words about timelines and consider scheduling a meeting that includes a third party the school believes is some sort of advocate, and watch how quickly the school jumps to it.
Anon says
yes, this. also we had a similar thing at our school and they said since she is understood by peers and teachers it doesnt meet the standard for requiring speech…so we continue to pay for speech outside of school
Anonymous says
Nope nope what they’re doing is illegal. They have VERY specific timelines from when you ask an evaluation to when the first reply is to when the evaluation occurs. I’ve had two kids in speech and they hustled with me even with high demand and a large school district. Google the IEP and special education timelines, use your grown up language (I turn on my professional voice) and they’ll book it to evaluate your kid.
Anon says
Yeah, I know it’s illegal. I’m just not sure this is the battle I want to fight because there may be a bigger and more important one down the road. I also think it is reasonably fair (if not technically legal) to prioritize kids with more serious needs.
Anon says
Big hug from me. My kid in ST is shy of 3, but if we need continued speech I’m very hesitant to use the public services in our area for this.
I’ve posted this before, but I felt this way about EI in my county – while individual staff seemed great it just seemed to be managed poorly – and again, I get it – we’re a massive county and keeping the right staff to meet needs seems really tough. Plus, we were paying like $120 a session, (we didn’t qualify for any subsidies; it’s on a sliding scale here) for what felt like me having to facilitate the whole thing. There were times that the SLP’s laptop camera didn’t work and she couldn’t even see us – I mean c’mon.
After doing virtual ST for most of this year, and the SLP saying that kid probably wouldn’t qualify with the re-evaluation that was coming up, I decided I didn’t want to deal with it anymore. I had no interest in kid leaving their current preschool to be in a school-based program (which they likely wouldn’t qualify for), I had no desire for the 2-day evaluation, so I followed my gut and the advice on this board and found a private ST that comes to kid’s school weekly. It’s been SO much better.
anon parent says
I so feel this! Even when schools are following the law, the timelines allowed are long for a child who needs any services. The process must be extra frustrating for families with children who have a lot of needs or in districts that aren’t following the law re timing. I saw the post where you don’t want to push on this as a matter of strategy. Have you considered privately pursuing speech therapy?
In my area, the close in-network speech pathologists are booking way out (like a year +). However, on my health insurance website I found an in-network online company that provides speech therapy that was booking a few weeks out. We’re just getting started, so I don’t have enough experience to recommend the specific company (or not), but it’s well worth exploring private services through health insurance. For us, it’s just a co-pay, making it way more affordable than private out-of-network services.
We figure we can always drop the private services if they become unnecessary, but appreciate the option both to get started sooner and in case the school services are provided at a time that means kiddo has to miss a favorite subject.
OP says
We did private speech therapy from last winter until right before she started K, so about six months. It was not cheap (we have a high-deductible insurance plan, so nothing is covered until we meet our huge deductible, which we never do) and really tough on me work-wise because we could only get mid-day appointments and there was a lot of driving involved so it disrupted the flow of my work day a lot. And now that she’s in school it would also be really disruptive to her school day. So I’m not in a huge hurry to continue that unless it’s really necessary. I was relieved to hear the K teacher say she thinks my kid is in the normal range and I’m actually hoping the evaluation says she doesn’t qualify. But I do feel like we need the evaluation done, because of course if the school thinks she’s behind then we should do something about it.
Anon says
I am so annoyed at the other parents in the Girl Scout troop I co-lead. None of them want to do anything, and they have no respect for my time or the other leader’s time. I’ve spent half an hour today dealing with the headquarters because one of the parents missed a registration deadline for an event we reminded them about several times and now I have to figure out how to get the kid registered. I really want the kid to be able to come and I know it’s not her fault her mom missed the deadline, so I feel like I have to do this, but it’s so frustrating that the other parents are creating unnecessary work for us. A different parent was 30 minutes late to pick her kid up after the most recent meeting. It just feels like people are using us and taking advantage of us, and it’s a crappy feeling, but if we quit the whole troop will fall apart and all the kids will be sad. It’s a no-win situation.
Anonymous says
Ugh, I’m so sorry and I bet you aren’t alone in this. Can you pull parents aside for a very awkward but quick conversation and explain that you do not have capacity to cover them. Like “Here’s a few reminders for the parents – you need to be on time for pickup, the leaders have other responsibilities at home. Registration for events is your responsibility I do not have capacity to fix missed registrations. We love having all the girls together but as a reminder there is some level of parental involvement required and we hope all the families can help make the rest of the year fun for everyone”
I think you need to say it in person instead of an email because no one cares about emails. And have the co-leader being doing something with the girls so they don’t hear it.
anonamommy says
I hear you! That is so frustrating. Our troop holds a mandatory parent meeting at the start of the school year – it’s only 30 minutes (and the girls are doing something else) but it’s when we remind them of their responsibilities, that we are volunteers, and that by having their girls in the activity they agree to the general requirements.
Last year we had a girl whose mom was consistently 15-30 minutes late to pickup. After the third straight time, we let her know that we very much wanted her daughter in the troop but a parent needed to stay on site to ensure we could close up per our agreement with the facility, or she needed to arrange for another family to take her girl home afterwards. She very begrudgingly did the latter (after getting mad that we did not arrange a carpool for her) and to no one’s surprise, the girl didn’t rejoin this year. Which is a bummer, because I think she enjoyed it.
Anon says
I think you need to give parents some grace here. Have you ever been the parent who misses a registration deadline or is late in picking up their kid? If these are recurring issues with particular parents then I would talk to them. I would not talk to them in person if it only happened one time, that is way too aggressive. A lot of this is just what you take on when you lead a group with kids. It is work and will take up a lot of your time. It is very kind of you to get the kid registered even though they missed the deadline, and it shows that you are a great troop leader. If you want more help from parents generally then you can send out an email after the holidays.
OP says
I hear you. The late pickup is a bit of a recurring issue, although it hasn’t been this extreme in the past. These two families in particular are low income and have challenges the other families don’t, and I am trying to be mindful of that and give them grace. I think in some ways I’m more annoyed at the upper middle class parents who won’t do any volunteering. The other leader and I are both overwhelmed and don’t feel like we can manage being the troop treasurer and cookie manager in addition to co-leaders, but if there is no one who is willing to do it, then we’ll have to. We did have a parent meeting (poorly attended) at the beginning of the year where we asked for help, and have sent several emails about it, but it all feels like it’s falling on deaf ears which is frustrating. I think we will have to put pressure directly on individuals but that’s outside my comfort zone. The co-leader is also a SAHM who is a great person but has somewhat nutty expectations about what working parents can do, so I’m also trying to manage that and talk her down from crazy things like “we need to make all parents attend 100% of the meetings.” It’s just a lot and the past few weeks I’ve felt like it’s taking almost as much mental energy as my real job. I adore working with the girls, but the behind the scenes stuff is harder and a lot more demanding than I expected.
Anonymous says
Maybe switch to meeting every second week or once a month. Be carefully about assuming that upper middle class parents have the capacity for more volunteering.
We received a lot of pressure to volunteer as leaders at our twins scouts group last year. On paper I was working a part time job and DH had a 9-5 but there was a lot of personal stuff and medical stuff going on behind the scenes with a kid and separately with our parents/elder care that meant we were in survival mode. At one point there was a meeting that was like ‘more people need to step up or the group won’t continue’. For us that just meant we told the kids there might not be scouts next year. We could not do more. You never know what people are dealing with.
Anonymous says
You are great. I have 2 girls in scouts and I am not a Troop leader for either but I am a treasurer for one and a “mom that rallies the other parents” for the other. You are appreciated!!