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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Cb says
A few recs for Lego kids. We’ve been liking The Lego Ideas Book, a big book with all sorts of inspiration in it. It may be out of print but I bought it on Better World Books. I was feeling a bit annoyed that my son was so focused on building sets and then abandoning them, and this has served as good fodder for more creative play.
And I have an IKEA serving tray which has been great for corralling Lego pieces and work in progress, I think I’m going to get a few more and slide them under the couch? They don’t contain everything but like masks, 80% containment is better than 0% containment.
Any other lego tricks?
anon says
We have two Container Store Elfa drawer units stacked on top of each other in our family room for lego storage. It has worked well. We have a LOT of legos.
I would post a link but am having trouble with their website.
Spirograph says
We have a drawstring playmat for the Lego and it’s great. Lay flat to play, pull the strings and put the whole thing in a rubbermaid container under the train table to store.
I’m not sure where to stream it, but the show LegoMasters is a huuuuuge hit with my kids, and serves as great inspiration. Of course the kids’ builds don’t even come close to the stuff they see there, but they really enjoy seeing what’s possible.
Aunt Jamesina says
IKEA actually has small lego storage bins right now that can be used to build on!
Anon says
When baby was 10 months, dropped 1 pumping session per week until we were down to just once morning and once evening BFing sessions (during the day, used up stash in freezer then switched to formula). Baby started to lose interest in milk around that time and wouldn’t even always take bottles during the day and nursing sessions got shorter and shorter. Around this time I got very sick (sinus infection/flu) and ended up taking Sudafed which dried me right up. Baby lost interest when milk supply started to wane, and we just stopped all together around 11/11.5 months. Kept offering 2 bottles a day until 12 months. He was just very focused on solids!
Anon says
Weaning advice/stories please! I have a trip planned at the end of April when baby will be 9 months old and want to be done breastfeeding/pumping before then. Currently pumping at 3x a day at work and otherwise breastfeeding on demand (including one 2 am feed). We’re both still really enjoying breastfeeding but I definitely want to be free of it for the trip so how on earth do I do this?
NLD in NYC says
I dropped one pumping session each week, then the morning feed, then the evening feed. Also drank peppermint tea after dropping the last feed to help dry me up. I wasn’t a very productive cow anyway so I didn’t have much issues with engorgement, just some discomfort. Good luck!
Anon says
If you’re both still enjoying breastfeeding, you might want to think about just pumping and dumping on the trip so you can resume when you get home. There’s no shame in ending breastfeeding now if you’re ready to be done, but it seems like a shame to permanently end something you both really enjoy because of one brief trip.
Anonymous says
Eh, April is two months from now. It’s likely that the baby is just now getting started on solids. A lot can happen between now and the trip. 7 – 9 months was when my baby steadily lost interest in nursing and just wanted to gobble up all the solids and chug a sippy cup. If I were OP I’d wait another few weeks and decide whether to initiate weaning 2 – 4 weeks before the trip. I definitely wouldn’t make heroic efforts to pump and dump during the trip if baby is losing interest.
Anon says
I agree it makes sense to wait until closer to the trip to make any decisions, but I don’t think it’s universal that kids lose interest in nursing by 9 months. Many are still going strong with nursing at that age despite also eating solids.
OP says
No, thanks! Definitely ready/wanting to have all my body autonomy back for this trip (and after). Just trying to figure out how to slowly get there.
Anon says
Try to be 100% done at least 2 weeks before your trip starts. I had intense pain for 10 days after stopping (very slowly!) after each kid.
Anon says
Agree with leaving yourself a window. I am a super even-keeled person most of the time but was a rage-y, crying mess of hormones for about 4 days after I had totally weaned. Then I woke up the fifth day and was fine. Completely out of the blue and out of character for me – I’ve never before or since had that same experience of totally out of control feelings / emotions. I would hate to have been like that on a trip (and would have felt very sorry for anyone traveling with me!)
Anon says
I would drop a pump and then gradually shorten the sessions. Attempt to give a formula bottle and see how it goes before adjusting the balance to gradually increase the amount of formula given throughout the day. My first kid literally did not care about the difference between formula and breastmilk – I could have just switched cold turkey. It was very anticlimactic. For yourself, take sudafed at the end to get everything stopped.
No Face says
I loved nursing and hated pumping, so I would start dropping pumping sessions and leave formula with the daycare/nanny. If you have a partner, I would have that person do the 2am feed with formula because you’ve earned the right to sleep! After that, you can start weaning the morning and night sessions.
anonforthis says
Repost from yesterday since it was late in the day. Not sure what I’m looking for other than commiseration. After a traumatic post partum period (including an unexpected surgery under GA at 5 weeks postpartum), I feel like I’m seeing clearly for the very first time, in my late thirties, that my mom just truly lacks empathy or the ability to be there for me, and is a narcissist. She is masterful at playing the guilt card, playing the blame game, is constantly martyring herself and jealous of the energy I put into friends and in laws, etc. She lives 5 minutes away and was not supportive at all during my maternity leave. She practically raised my niece but hasn’t watched my son for one single day since he was born (but is offended if I go visit my in laws with him). I don’t feel like cutting her off is an option but I’m also done with metered visits that are followed up with a nasty email or text because I don’t see her enough. What do you all with unsupportive local family do? I can’t help but feel jealous of friends whose parents are emotionally supportive and help out with the baby all the time. I could even do without the help if I didn’t feel like I was just an emotional punching bag for her. I work full time in biglaw and it’s just taking up so much real estate in my head. She complains that we aren’t closer “like parents and children should be” but she isn’t willing to put in literally any of the work to make that relationship happen, it’s all on me, and it has been for years without any reciprocation.
Anonymous says
Yo, I think you know this, but therapy. I’m sorry I know it’s always suggested but you can’t untangle this toxic relationship without support.
Anon says
Serious comiseration. Unfortunately I think you likely need to just accept her for who she is, and try to focus on whatever positive things you can get out of the relationship without trying to change her basically selfish high-drama nature. My mother is not local and always claims she wants to help us out with kids all the time but realistically doesn’t like kids and more annoyingly when she does help out pretty much just criticizes my housekeeping, parenting, etc., so it’s not worth it, all it ends up with is complaining and my feelings being hurt. So, I’ve just accepted that she’s not really a helper and just tried to focus on enjoying time with her as adults, on holidays etc. I just let all the other expectations go. Easier said than done but it has at least really reduced how much mental real estate she occupies.
Anonymous says
This. Accept her for who she is, enjoy and appreciate what works in the relationship, and let the rest go.
anon says
Hugs. Being physically nearby definitely makes this harder. I have lots of ideas, but I think exploring setting boundaries with a therapist might be better for the long term.
Biglaw with a baby is so hard that I would probably just lay out exactly what I need (no commenting about time with others/complaints about lack of closeness; you need positive support in x form, etc) and say that I need to limit contact to y if that doesn’t work.
My view of this stage is that it’s so hard only the things you need to give attention to should get your attention. People like your mom wouldn’t have made the cut.
OP says
OP here. Yes, back in therapy (and was in therapy before getting pregnant, though didn’t really click with that therapist). I think what I struggle with is clearing my head enough to just….simplify the approach, if that makes sense? E.g., my therapist says “when your mom sends you a mean text message, either don’t respond or respond with something like “I need positive support and unfortunately I won’t respond to texts like these.” It sounds so simple but the thought of doing that gives me chills! I recognize it takes time to unpack 35 years of feeling controlled and helpless in a relationship, and there’s all sorts of emotional childhood abuse I can’t go into here, but I’ve been trying to work on this for years and I find the fear of actually following through on boundaries very real. I think I’m a smart person and intellectually understand it’s the only way to effect change in my life when the stressful person is unlikely to change, but it’s hard. It’s probably equivalent to how scared I felt when younger just walking out the door on my mom for fear she’d fly into a rage. She can’t hurt me that way now but it sure feels like it sometimes… if mom isn’t happy, nobody is.
Anonymous says
Yup. It’s hard. Zero sugar coating here. It is hard. She will be mean. It is upsetting.
But the only way to change your life is to do the hard thing.
Redux says
I was really surprised at how well it worked to be direct with my mom. Caveat that I do not think my mom has a personality disorder (not a narcissist, just a guilt-tripper) so YMMV, when my mom would say things like, “We never see you,” rather than defending myself by listing all the times that I have seen her, or all the reasons why I could not see her, I just said, “When you say that it makes me feel really bad. I dont think that you mean to make me feel bad, but could you please not bring that up so much?” And to her great credit and sheer force of will against 70 years of being a guilt-tripper, she really has stopped. She does still say, “I miss you,” but I’ll tell you what– that hits a lot different.
Anon says
Yeah, the difference is a narcissist won’t stop when you say it makes you feel bad. If anything they can of thrive on that.
Redux says
You’re right, I’m sure. Sorry, I don’t mean to make small of that fact. Good luck, OP. This sounds really, really hard.
So Anon says
My policy is that I explain once, and then move on to JADE: Don’t justify, argue, defend or explain. Also, placing her texts on silent/do not notify really helps so that you are not startled with a random text in the middle of the day or while you’re with your kids.
Anonymous says
Even for the traumatic postpartum period alone, I urge you to try to carve out some counseling so you have a place to process everything you are going through and deal with the emotions. I think others are right that you need to accept her from what she is, but that will probably involve grief, anger, etc before you get to acceptance. Hugs to you.
Anonymous says
Oh just saw your post – glad you have a therapist to work with!
So Anon says
Oh man, I can relate to this so much. My mom is local, and my only local family. It took me years to see beyond the fog of my abusive ex to understand that the reason I felt “comfortable” with my ex is that he was very much like my mother. My mom does a great show of being altruistic in the community. She is on all the boards, volunteers (so long as they do it her way), makes a big show of giving financially all the while proclaiming that she doesn’t like the attention. She is great at faux empathy. She proclaims that she wants to be there to help but only so long as it is on her terms. And heaven help us all if I go against her wishes for anything. Then comes the rage but it is via text or phone call where “she just needs to tell me how disappointed she is in me.” My mom paints her family, including her grandchildren, as either golden children or absolute scapegoats. I tend to fall in the second camp. All this to say, it royally sucks.
I am still in the process of sorting this out in my head, but I’m coming to realize that this is just who she is. There is no way for me to please her, and I spent the last several years and all of my childhood trying. I’m taking a giant step back from engaging with her, even though I know that there is wrath building and getting ready to come my way. When it comes, I plan on disengaging. My children adore her, but I know that if she is toxic to me, she is or will be soon to my children, especially as they get older and start having different priorities.
I have found Dr. Ramani’s videos on you tube incredibly helpful, as well as the following books: The Wizard of Oz and other narcissists, Will I ever be good enough and Out of the Fog. I have realized that my mom is toxic for me, and the best thing I can do for myself and my children is to accept that and step away from the relationship. I do not plan on cutting her off entirely, but having a very superficial relationship with her. Also, all the therapy.
anon says
“She proclaims that she wants to be there to help but only so long as it is on her terms. And heaven help us all if I go against her wishes for anything. Then comes the rage but it is via text or phone call where “she just needs to tell me how disappointed she is in me.” My mom paints her family, including her grandchildren, as either golden children or absolute scapegoats.” – This is my mom exactly. It’s helpful to hear I’m not alone, but it does royally suck. Disengaging is hard. This kind of person is just so masterful at making you feel trapped and like you have to work to placate her after tripping her live wire.
anne-on says
A big +1000 to all of this, I could have written it word for word. Also, we have cut my mother off after rage explosions and she’s gone so far as to drive out to our home and show up unannounced to try to reconcile. Standing up to her (hanging up on calls if she yells, not responding to text messages/calls, leaving if she’s verbally abusive or not letting her be at our home, and setting limits with other family members) has been the only thing that worked. We also refuse to take ANYTHING from my parents that can be held over our heads (money, babysitting, gifts, etc.).
Also (and I’m so sorry as this last bit is especially hard for me) be aware that if you have multiple children or if your sibling has children she will likely play favorites up to and including disparaging one child to another to try and get them to be on a ‘team’ of grandma and favored grandchild vs. scapegoat’s child. We would rather my son have a very distant relationship with his grandparents than be the scapegoat grandchild – at this point my job is to protect him, not my mother’s preferences.
Anonymous says
This sounds a lot like my MIL, and I’m sorry you’re dealing with it. We talked about cutting ourselves off, but ultimately DH decided to sort of cut himself off emotionally. It’s not a perfect system but it has allowed us to maintain family connections without getting pulled into as much of the drama. In practice, it means that he still takes the calls where she screams, cries, guilt-trips, etc. It’s painful to overhear. But he just sort of nods along and lets it go afterward.
FWIW, she finally got what she wanted over Xmas: an extended visit with us. And I think she was miserable. She’s getting older, we have two toddlers, and our lives are kind of chaos at the moment. We tried to take her out for lunch one day and both kids were completely uncooperative. I had to fight back laughter as she sat there, overwhelmed, and said, “This is not very peaceful.” No kidding, lady.
Anon says
This sounds so hard! Hugs! To enforce boundaries, I found it helpful to frame things as important for my baby. YMMV. I’m willing to tolerate a lot of bad behavior directed towards me, but I discovered that I have a very low tolerance if it affects my baby. I become a mama bear in my protectiveness. So I tap into that protectiveness when I want to enforce boundaries. My job is to make my baby safe, happy, and loved. If grandma is not contributing to that environment (she often cancels plans to see/babysit the baby, refuses to accept that baby needs a nap more than staying up to see her, criticizes my decision to use a daycare instead of a nanny), grandma’s needs and desires come second to baby’s.
Ideally I would get to a point where I insist that I deserve better than the bad behavior directed at me, but this has helped me enforce my personal boundaries, too. Baby can’t be happy if I’m deeply unhappy!
Anon says
If you can access a dialectical behavioral therapy skills workshop, this is what I did that made things so, so much better. I needed the permission, scripts, and strategies to set firm boundaries and enforce them in ways that I would have considered insanely rude if I wasn’t dealing with an impossible person. I did not think it would help, but it actually did help.
Anon says
Is your mom my mom? This is all so similar, down the fact that she did a ton for my sister’s kids. I don’t have a great solution other than I try not to defend myself and I’ve just sort of cut her out. We will take the kids over to her house occasionally (maybe once a quarter) but that’s it. I recently took a weekend girls trip with some friends and while I was gone she called my husband to complain about how awful I am for not seeing her enough. I decided not to reward that and am keeping my boundaries.
Anon says
I go to therapy. My dad is a narcissist and lives close by and it sucks. I really have needed therapy to deal with it.
Anonymous says
My dad is a textbook narcissist, and was very emotionally abusive to me as a child. I struggled until I found a therapist specializing in treating victims of abuse by those with personality disorders, a lot of therapists that aren’t experienced with NPD seem to advocate full reconciliation, even if that’s not possible. I highly recommend the book Healing from Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas. Unlike a lot of other therapists in the area, she talks a lot about how to go “detached contact” for those who aren’t willing or ready to go fully no contact. I did go no contact, and it has been freeing but there was a lot to deal with from that, as well—I had a lot of post-traumatic stress from the emotional abuse as a child and it took a while to unpack all of that. The Reddit thread r/raisedbynarcissists can be helpful, even just for commiseration. So sorry you’re going through this.
Anon says
My 4 year old’s birthday is next week. We’re in the Midwest where the weather in February is usually miserable and no one we know is doing indoor things with unvaxxed kids, so we assumed there was no way we could have a party. It’s unexpectedly going to be 55 and sunny on Sunday. Should I try to put together a last minute outdoor party? We went to one outdoor party in the fall but otherwise have not been invited to any parties since Covid. I would probably say no gifts (I feel too gift-grabby otherwise) and just invite people to meet us in the park for cake and play. I’m nervous no one will come – it’s short notice and my kid doesn’t seem to have a lot of close buddies in school, other than the one kid whose party we went to last fall. Part of me feels like we should just skip it and have a proper party next year. On the other hand, I felt this way last year and then a real party wasn’t possible this year so who knows what next year will look, especially since there seems to be a surge every winter.
Anonymous says
I think a lot of parents of 4 year olds would be delighted to have something to do on the weekend. Go for it!
Anon says
agreed. i’d do cupcakes or donuts. do you have two friends you could text to see if they could come to ensure you have someone there? i think at age 4, even two friends and cupcakes at a park is exciting. (i say this as someone with two soon to be 4 year olds)
NYCer says
+1. As long as you have a couple guaranteed yeses, I would go ahead and plan it.
It is Presidents Day weekend, so there is a chance some people may be traveling. (Though it sounds like a pretty Covid cautious bunch overall if no one is doing indoor activities with younger kids, so I would guess most people are probably not traveling.)
OP says
It is a Covid cautious bunch. It’s also a university daycare so most families travel on university holidays and breaks and President’s day is not a university holiday. So I doubt a bunch of people are out of town.
Unfortunately I don’t have anyone I feel comfortable inviting one on one. I def won’t tell my kid about it until we have a couple people RSVPed yes. I’m hoping that with a class of 20 at least two families won’t have plans and will want to come, even if they aren’t close to my kid.
EDAnon says
Definitely do it! My kid wants to go to everyone’s birthday so we’d be there.
No Face says
I vote do it because of your last sentence. I was committed to hanging out indoors with people this winter for our sanity, and then basically everyone we knew had covid during this last surge! So we were stuck in our house alone again.
I would tell my kid, “It will be warm so we can go to the park and have cake for your birthday!” Then I would invite people without necessarily calling it a “party” to my kid. If anyone shows up, great! If no one does, cake in the park!
anon in brooklyn says
The other side of no one doing indoor things also means that a lot of people don’t have plans for weekends these days. I think a lot of families would be happy for something to do.
Cb says
Yes, I think you should do it. Donuts and a playpark sounds great. Add some bubble packs and chalk and call it a day.
NOVA Anon says
If it’s possible for you to reach out personally to one or two families to confirm they could come before you invite the whole class, that’s what I would do — and then plan the outdoor party. That way you’re sure to have at least a couple people there. And don’t tell kiddo about it until you know more about whether it is happening and who is coming. As long as I had no plans, I would go to something like this (though we have a lot more plans over the weekend now). For my 4 yo’s b-day a few weeks ago, we had one friend from her class over for an outdoor play date and did a pinata, and she was thrilled. (Even though it was 35 out.)
Anon says
I say go for it!
Only because it’s a long weekend which might effect availability, just to help frame it for yourself and definitely your kid (just in case) could you think of it like, you are going to the park either way and why not see if friends can join? Then scale up or down the cupcakes etc. as needed given the responses you get. Instead of building it up as a big “birthday party”, just in case there is disappointment on attendance? I only say that given the somewhat short notice. But I live in an area where I think people travel more for a weekend like this than is probably normal.
TheElms says
I say go for it! Does it help to think of it as a park playdate that happens to have cake and possibly some kids singing Happy Birthday? I would invite the whole class and anyone else you’d like if there are neighborhood friends / kids, but if there are a couple sets of parents you could text in advance to confirm they can make it that might help ensure there are at least a couple people there.
Anonymous says
Same boat: my oldest is turning 5. I ended up inviting 20 kids from school and the neighborhood and so far 13 have replied yes! I was shocked. Now I’m telling myself that the park and store bought cake with little favor bags is a good enough effort. I hope your kiddo has a good birthday.
OP says
I definitely think park and store bought cake with favor bags is a good enough effort for 5 year olds! Glad you got such a great turnout and hope your kid has a good birthday too.
Anon says
for your own sake, do cupcakes. then you dont need forks or to cut anything.
Pogo says
My 4yo’s party last summer was: meet at park, had pizza delivered, store bought cupcakes. Apparently the kids still talk about it.
Anonymous says
Do it! The fall outdoor parties we went to were so fun, and I can’t wait for the weather to improve.
If you’re looking for a simple last-minute activity, kites are fun at that age, with parent help.
OP says
OK thanks for the encouragement, I will do it. I don’t have contact info for most parents, so the email will have to go through the teacher. It’s not rude to not invite the teacher right? I can’t imagine she wants to spend her free time at one of her student’s parties and I feel like if I invited her she might feel obligated to come. But I definitely would never want her to feel left out.
Cb says
I’d just say that? “You’re very welcome to come along, but I am sure you use your weekends for much needed respite?”
EDAnon says
That’s what we do. Sometimes they say they want to come. Only once has one come.
Anon says
Second this. We had one teacher who came to every single party but that’s because her daughter was in the same grade.
AIMS says
I just did this! I figured we go to the playground in the winter so why not organize it as a party? Was very low key. We had hot chocolate for the kids and coffee for the grown ups, snacks/other drinks and ordered pizza; tied a few balloons and invited a few friends. We did cupcakes for easy cake distribution and said no presents were expected (people brought anyway). My kid’s only criticism was that we needed a piñata. I think everyone had a good time. Do it!
Anon says
I think this is a great idea!
Anon. says
Joining the chorus, as a parent of a 4.5 year old I would be thrilled to get this kind of invite.
Anon says
One more voice to the chorus of this being a fabulous idea! And could be a great way to get to know other families better
Anonymous says
We did this in the northeast and it was great. Mass emailed all parents we knew even tangentially with kids in K (my kid is in K) and said we’d be at the playground with cupcakes and hot chocolate at {date} and {time} and siblings, cousins, whoever welcome to join just let us know so there are enough goody bags and treats. We had 30 kids show up (everyone came and brought family members lol) and they all had a blast and the treats and bags only cost like $125 all in. Temps never went above 35 and kid still said it was his best birthday ever.
AwayEmily says
Just a random recommendation for target’s mid rise drapey maternity jogger pants. They are amazing throughout pregnancy, postpartum, and tbh I kept wearing them for years after my last baby. Nice enough to wear to the store but comfy enough for sleeping. I now have four pairs. I’d say they run true to size, maybe a bit big — I am a 6/8 pre-pregnancy and the small fit well (and I do not like things too tight).
Anonymous says
Agree. I super-loved them in my first trimester when I couldn’t stand anything tight against my pelvis/mid-section, but wasn’t big enough for full on maternity pants yet. I bought 3 pairs I think :)
Gift ideas? says
Any gift ideas for a good friend with morning sickness (second trimester)? She is a teacher so is on her feet a lot. TIA!
Anon says
Prescription drugs. Specifically, diclegis, as someone who continued vomiting daily (but only once a day thanks to diclegis rather than all day long) until delivery. Other than that, a yeti or other insulated drink cup with a straw, so she can sip (for me everything had to be ice cold to even stand a shot at staying down).
OP says
Thank you for this idea!
Anonymous says
Agree with the rx drugs and insulated cup idea. Kind of depends on her preferences, but if she’s into sour/citrus, the truly lemon packets (I think they also have grapefruit and maybe lime) would be nice to keep in her desk and use to flavor water or sparkling water. Also if any scents are tolerable for her, you could get her a roller or ointment with the scent to put on her temples or under her nose even. I would put tea tree ointment right under my nose to block unpleasant smells that made my nausea worse. Especially if she wears a mask all day, that could be nice (again, very personal if there is a scent that would not make things worse for her).
Anonymous says
Preggy pops could be a nice little gesture. But yea, for me prescriptions were the only thing that kept me functional. With my first, diclegis was enough. With my second I have had to be on a whole lot of zofran.
govtattymom says
Sea bands, ginger tea, and all the carbs! You are such a good friend.
2nd Grade says
Parents of current or former 2nd graders, can I get a gut check? Our 2nd grade teacher gives in-class quizzes, and our son has gotten a “0” on some of these as he somehow fails to turn them in (or puts them in the wrong place?). The teacher says it is son’s responsibility to ensure his quiz is turned in to the appropriate basket when asked. I don’t really understand this position – she grades them the same day, so she knows if he was there or not, but maybe it’s age appropriate? We are frustrated and I’m trying to understand if it’s reasonable.
Anon says
I think it’s reasonably age appropriate. A lot of lower elementary is learning to follow directions and if he’s not putting the quiz in the right basket he’s not following the directions.
Anon says
I really think compliance should be tracked separately from educational goals. And if he already knows what’s on the quizzes, then it’s busy work that isn’t educational anyway.
Aunt Jamesina says
I agree, and a lot of schools have moved to a model where they assess citizenship/behavior separately, but it’s tough for a teacher to measure educational goals if they don’t receive the item that assesses the skills they’re looking for!
Anonymous says
I have a second grader. She does not do quizzes or have homework. She doesn’t even get actual grades- the entire elem is all proficient vs good vs with support vs can’t do.
Separately, I think it might be worth connecting with the teacher on how big a deal this “0” really is.
Aunt Jamesina says
Yes, the 0 might not be meaningful in the greater picture, just a signal to kids that the work either wasn’t done or received.
Anon says
Even if they get actual letter grades, the grades have no consequence at this age. I agree no homework and no grades is optimal for early elementary school, but if the school assigns homework and gives grades, OP is not going to be able to change that.
Spirograph says
Getting a zero is a natural consequence, and totally appropriate for 2nd grade, IMO. How was this brought to your attention? Did the teacher tell you, or are you just looking at the grades where they’re posted online? If the teacher didn’t mention it to you specifically, I would bet that it’s not meaningful in the greater picture of learning goals, and she’s tracking it as part of work / study habits.
FWIW, my mom is an elementary teacher and *hates* that she has to post grades online because it generates all kinds of questions like this from parents. I’m not saying you’re doing anything wrong, but I would assume the teacher is handling this appropriately in class unless she took the step of informing you it’s a problem.
Anon says
+1 to all this. I think getting a 0 on a quiz for talking out of turn or something like that would be harsh and age-inappropriate, but getting a 0 for failing to turn it in is a natural and IMO reasonable consequence at this age. I also think it’s not a big deal unless the teacher is reaching out to you about it.
2nd Grade says
We had our quarterly parent-teacher conference and his quiz score was 35% (with two missing quizzes, “0”s). I’m not particularly concerned about the score – agreed that grades don’t really matter as much as mastery. He’s a really smart kid, and his teacher agrees, but it’s frustrating that he’s not turning in work that they’re doing in class.
For what it’s worth, we did follow up with him afterwards, and he was concerned about turning in things that weren’t “done” (completely filled in). We affirmed that it’s totally okay not to finish a quiz, and that we expect him to turn it in anyway.
I guess I’m having other concerns about this teacher – another student whose parents we trust is being pulled from her class because they say she treats the boy students unfairly (harshly judging them, only punishing them) and her aggressive behavior during class. Our son reported that she said to “shut your G-D mouth” to him, which I believed but my husband didn’t. I’m… Can I get some further advice? Maybe I need to have a sit down with the other mom and then with the school administrators? We have had excellent teachers in the past so I’m way out of my wheelhouse here.
Spirograph says
OK that’s a different ballgame! I would talk to the administrators separately from talking to the other mom… the type of interaction your son is experiencing may be part of a pattern, but it’s not up to you to identify that. You should focus on your own child’s reports and experiences. In theory, the administration would take it from there with some kind of internal investigation.
If you want, you could reach out to the teacher first with a “son said some things that were concerning to me, but I want to make sure I have the full story” to start a conversation. But she’ll probably deny it, and if you would just go to the administration anyway afterward, I don’t know what the value would be.
Anonymous says
The value would be treating her like a professional and giving her a chance to respond before you talk to her supervisor. How do you feel if someone goes over your head to your boss without talking to you?
Anon says
I think this is weird. I agree second grade is a fine time for natural consequences…but when the class is doing a timed quiz all together there should be a reminder to turn it in and the teacher should watch to make sure all the kids stand up and go do it! When I was in elementary school the teacher would walk around and collect the tests. Remembering to turn in homework from his folder each morning seems like a more natural place to focus on personal responsibility
anon says
I’m in a dinner rut. Help! What are you favorite, vegetarian/pescatarian dinner recipes?
I usually do a black bean taco bowl night, pasta night, dal and rice night, pizza night, and salmon night most weeks.
Anon says
add in fish tacos! we just sear tilapia, nothing spicy. Everyone enjoys it. A little variety from the salmon.
Sorry really responding to the pescetarian part of this, but I also love Mark Bittman’s shrimp and eggs dish when I’m solo parenting as something a little quirky.
Anon says
– squash risotto with parmesan (make regular risotto, roast cubed butternut squash, mix in with your last cup of liquid as you stir)
– crispy oven gnocchi (https://www.howsweeteats.com/2019/01/sheet-pan-gnocchi/)
– rigatoni a la vodka (https://smittenkitchen.com/2021/02/rigatoni-alla-vodka/) I bet it would be easy to add shrimp or sometimes my husband will eat some broiled sea bass on the side (the rest of us don’t do seafood).
– Falafel (https://smittenkitchen.com/2018/12/falafel/)
– sweet potato tacos (https://smittenkitchen.com/2018/03/sweet-potato-tacos/)
Anonymous says
Rice bowl – we do one loosely inspired by bibimbop with fried egg, veggies, and gojuchang plus sesame oil/soy sauce. Can be broccoli, grated carrots, cucumber, etc.
Anon says
Shakshuka is popular at our house with naan on the side. Also like a rice bowl with baked crispy tofu, roasted veg (broccoli, red pepper), and peanut sauce.
Redux says
Shakshuka is on our menu this week!
Also, balsalmic roasted root vegetables over a grain is a standard for winter.
You also didn’t mention soups/stews, which we do at least once a week in winter. We always roast a giant winter squash (like a Long Island Cheese) and make a giant batch of soup to freeze.
My kids love fried rice loaded with veggies.
Also risotto.
But my main recommendation is all the cookbooks. We get them from our public library.
Spirograph says
One of my favorite vegetarian recipes is from Plated. Basically toasted naan with hummus, roasted eggplant & spiced chickpeas, and honey tahini sauce on top. Plus some cucumber-tomato salad for freshness. I’ll post a link separately.
Also anything with egg as protein:
Bibimbap
Italian-style baked eggs — literally just pour a jar or two of spaghetti sauce in an oven-proof container, crack some eggs into it, and bake until they’re mostly set. Serve with salad and bread for dipping.
Breakfast for dinner: Toad-in-the-hole is a new favorite. We use cookie cutters; each kid can pick their own shape, then just toast the bread with an egg cracked into the middle on a griddle pan.
Spirograph says
https://www.safeway.com/recipes/detail.1.falafel-spiced-chickpeas-with-eggplant-naan-and-israeli-salad-h0.html
GCA says
Instant pot shakshuka! No babysitting a spattering pan of sauce.
Rice + pan-fried fish + a veggie + salad. Make extra rice, turn the leftovers into fried rice the next night. My kids love shrimp so sometimes I make a pound of shrimp instead of fish and it is all gone in about two minutes.
Spanish rice, black beans with a little cumin, roasted veggies.
Lentil shepherd’s pie, using veggie broth and lots of herbs (rosemary, thyme).
Veggie soup: Bob’s Red Mill vegi soup mix with extra mirepoix + slice up some fresh bread and call it a night…
Spanakopita pie.
General Tso’s tofu (toss tofu with cornstarch and salt, bake in oven till crispy, make sauce).
…and now I’m hungry!
LA says
Veggie chili! We use this recipe: https://www.food.com/recipe/quinoa-vegetarian-chili-426628?ref=amp&ftab=tweaks
Anon says
Flatbreads. There are two hello fresh recipes for flatbreads that we love and recreate in our own cooking with store-bought ingredients:
Zucchini and Tomato: https://www.hellofresh.com/recipes/zucchini-and-tomato-flatbreads-5e67d93735c3537f181f43c8
BBQ Pineapple: https://www.hellofresh.com/recipes/bbq-pineapple-flatbreads-61b0cdc67b509b7e784cd6ed
Anonymous says
We have grilled cheese at least once a week, partially because my husband makes bread so it is especially good. Add tomato soup to be vaguely more healthy. And pickles!
Redux says
Valentine’s update: did all of your kids come home with a Halloween-style haul from valentine’s day? A poster yesterday mentioned that they sent only a card, while others sent in whole gift bags. My kids basically had a winter halloween. Is this the norm now?
Anon says
I only sent in cards and was worried my kid would feel left out but it seems like most people didn’t send anything (this is in pre-K). She got a couple goodie bags w/candy, a couple of plain cards and then a bunch of handmade cards that I’m pretty sure the kids made in school because they all looked the same. So definitely not a Valentine’s Day-style haul for us. Which is fine – she got a heart-shaped Dunkin donut yesterday so that was more than enough sugar.
Anon says
“Not a Halloween-style haul” I mean.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Kindergartener wasn’t allowed to bring in food so his haul was a lot of pencils, coloring books, stickers and other heart-themed things. I would say about half of the class gave just a card (written by the kids) and the rest had some assorted items. Preschooler got mostly cards (written by the parents) and some stickers and pencils (so many pencils this year!). No candy or treats either, although it wasn’t officially banned.
NYCer says
This was basically our experience too. I don’t mind it honestly. My younger daughter in particular was SUPER excited by everything she received.
Anon says
YES, my kids cleaned up! My immediate reaction was, oops! We sent in a card with a small tube of bubbles for one, and a signature with a small slime for the other. Those were just single elements in the treat bags they got from other kids. 2.5 yo brought home a stuffed animal (cute actually! new prized possession.)
Anon says
Oh, also lots of pop-its, including some really big ones! Those were big this year.
Youngest is refusing to share. She’s so proud.
It was interesting because first grader had much less – felt like I could see the phasing out.
SG says
Mine did! I was shocked – we only sent in literal cards – no candy, pencils, erasers, mini-key chains, gummies etc…even the 2 yr old came home with a haul. I was kind of annoyed? There were multiple curated gift bags!
Anonymous says
Mine came home with a small goody bag that had cards from her classmates and candy that I think was from the teacher? I was surprised because our school has in past years has asked us not to send in candy – which I really appreciate. Between making cookies at home on Sunday and treats sent to us by both sets of grandparents, we already have plenty!
anon says
My kid came home with a shoebox full of cards, candy and tchotchkes, which is certainly less than Halloween, haha.
Anonymous says
Yes and I felt terrible because I didn’t send anything. I have a new 3-year-old and this is our first year in a daycare setting. I had no idea 3-year-olds were giving each other elaborate valentines!
Anon says
Do not give it a second thought. It is annoying that parents are elevating minor holidays to elaborate affairs involving all sorts of time, money and one-upping of each other
Anonymous says
DH and I are joking about sending in something for Pulaski Day.
Anon says
Hah! As a Chicagoan, I love this! I’m somewhat surprised daycare is even open that day.
Anon says
My two year old did – I was surprised! I didn’t know it was a thing.
Anonymous says
Yes, and I felt terrible. I had no clue that 15-mo-olds would be trading gift bags. I thought I was off the hook until next year!
anon says
SAME. And a bunch of the kids had custom-printed gift tags with the giver’s name and a cute Valentine’s Day saying on them. I felt like a total loser with my last-minute not-very-cute-bc-CVS-was-sold-out-of-cute-stuff cards + a single piece of candy.
SC says
Yes! Kiddo came home with a plastic grocery bag stuffed with several whole gift bags, plus a large bag they decorated in class full of candy, pencils, stickers, etc. It was definitely equivalent to what he gets trick-or-treating or in his Christmas stocking or Easter basket.
I sent in one piece of candy (fun dip) with my kid’s name in the tiny space on the outside. There are 16 kids in the class, and if Kiddo had come home with 16 pieces of candy, or 10-12 pieces of candy and some pencils and erasers, I would have been thrilled.
We keep candy and other junk food in a plastic bin in the pantry. I pulled out that bin and threw away any leftover Halloween and Christmas candy, plus some other stuff we just didn’t like. I’ll throw any leftover Valentine’s candy away at Easter.
Pogo says
I had this rude awakening last year when we sent in hand made cards and got full on goody bags. This year I compromised and we did temp tattoos w/ store bought cards. However my oldest is doing V-day tomorrow (School staggered the parties) so haven’t seen his haul yet – the 18 mo old got a coloring book, two bracelets (including one made of pop its), and some stickers I think.
GCA says
Sort of, 1st grader came home with one large paper sack with assorted cards, stickers, small tchotchkes. 3yo came home from daycare with one carefully curated gift bag and a handful of sticker/ tattoo cards – phew. Definitely much less than Halloween, and maybe 50% of families participated, which is a norm I’m fine with!
MNF says
Yes – we had notice that everyone in kid’s class should bring a valentine so everyone had one from everyone. We made ours from construction paper, crayons and valentines stickers that I primed the moment I got the email from school last week.
Anyone else find themselves forming impressions based on the valentines their kids got? Like I’m not judging Ben’s mom for sending a bag with 5 things, but I do think that Emily’s mom who also sent handmade, construction paper decorated with scotch tape (I love toddlers!), valentines might be my kind of people.
Anonymous says
Yes, my 3-year old got several gift bags with candy and toys from daycare. We just sent in paper cards for the class. There are 8 kids in the class and we got 4 or 5 goodie bags, so I felt OK being one of the non-gifters.
AwayEmily says
My kindergartner has 22 kids in her class and came home with maybe 15 valentines. Assortment of store bought and homemade. Only non-card items were a pencil and a lollipop. We sent very simple construction paper valentines. I think our school is generally very low key tho.
Sissy Phus says
Not sure if I’m looking for advice or just commiseration. My husband is fantastic in just about every way but he has a total blind spot for how neat/organized he thinks he is vs. how neat/organized he actually is.
He’s not a slob but he is way more utilitarian than aesthetic about things. I feel like all I do is come up with “systems” for putting stuff away/organizing and it all falls apart within days/weeks/months because he will clean up by just putting things wherever is closest/can fit when he’s tired. For example, we have a big storage armoire in the living room for all the kids toys/magnatiles/crafts/etc. I organize it, separate stuff in clear stacked boxes and then within 2-3 weeks it’s back to being the kind of thing where it’s just a jumbled mess inside because my kids are too young and he is too oblivious to put things away nicely. This goes for every closet, cabinet, etc. So he’ll put away the kids’ laundry but shove it in so the drawer barely opens or put the sweatpants in the jeans drawer and the jeans in the sweatpants drawer. To him it’s all pants.
This also happens with areas on top of things, which drives me crazy – so the credenza near the front door always ends up littered with his mail, receipts, etc., he has cords everywhere, he buys books to read and leaves them unfinished around the house because he’s “reading them” … I specifically got a credenza with big drawers that open easily and put a big old tray inside for each of us to have a place to drop random stuff at the end of the day and within a month his tray had overflown to make the entire drawer a giant junk drawer and this has only gotten worse since. We have a small place and two kids and probably too much stuff but the stuff and the kids aren’t going away for a while. WFH, even occasional as it has become, has obviously made this worse. I am exhausted by having either clutter everywhere or having to organize and reorganize constantly. But when I tell him this he either says he’ll try to do better and does but then defaults or we end up bickering because he thinks I am accusing him of not doing anything or being a slob, which he isn’t, or he just says my standards are unrealistic. As he sees it, he cleans up all the time – he does the dishes, he makes the bed, he does the laundry and he puts away kids toys daily. This is all true! He also tends to know where his stuff is more than me (think of your coworkers with a messy desk but who know that they document they need is in the pile in the left corner) so he thinks he’s the “organized one.” But he leaves random sh*t everywhere and puts things away badly in a way that quickly makes all the order I make pointless. I know some of this is a me issue – my standards may need to come down for this time of my life even if i don’t think my standards are all that exceptional or high to begin with. But how do I get thru to him that I don’t want to have to re-organize the drawers every 2 weeks because he decided to do the laundry and now everything is a jumbled mess. I swear he means well but at the end of the day when we both worked all day and are tired and want to put the kids to bed and have 1-2 hours of couch time he doesn’t have the bandwidth for it. I’ve tried all the “just give him a box/basket/drawer ideas.” I just feel like I am in a catch 22 – like I can’t complain because he does a lot but my complaint is with how he does it.
Before anyone says to get a cleaning service, we have one. But they don’t help with clutter. It’s actually getting ready for them that we tend to argue about all this.
Cb says
I think it’s a standards mismatch. I LOVE a system but I can only control myself. I assume the toy cupboard will get messy after awhile and will need a tidy up and while clear surfaces is my platonic ideal, it doesn’t feel sustainable at this stage of life / reasonable to hold myself and my partner to account on.
A few other thoughts – we have baskets in my son’s closet and they have picture labels, which honestly, are more for us then the kiddo. We don’t get too granular though, it’s tops, bottoms, sweaters, PJs, undies, socks.
Does he WFH home? I think you need to MOVE the basket to someplace somewhat annoying for him? Or at least, a room with a door you can close.
Is there too much in the drawers? Our drawers aren’t full and it doesn’t matter if everything is perfectly in place because there’s always room in the drawer.
Aunt Jamesina says
I think there has to be some compromise here. I totally empathize with you (as someone with drawers that are always KonMari’d and spice rack is always alphabetized). But sometimes I have to realize that my systems might be overly complicated and while they might work for me, they don’t work for our household. My line of work deals with systems and end users, and no matter how great we think our system is, if it isn’t being used properly by its users, or is too much to keep up or have to troubleshoot, it actually isn’t a great solution! :-)
(I say this while one million percent relating to your frustrations!) Is there any great tragedy that occurs if sweatpants and jeans are mixed together? Or if Magnatiles and craft supplies get put into one bin? I think if he’s pulling his weight in terms of daily tasks and cleaning, you really need to let go of the idea of having everything organized the exact way you prefer (because it really is a preference, not a necessity for most things). My husband is clean and definitely does his share of the housework, but is much more okay with visual clutter than I am. Our compromise is that he has certain zones that he can keep as cluttery as he likes (in our case that’s his desk, his workbench area in the basement, and a corner of our shed where he keeps some larger tools and project materials). Those areas still annoy me, but I can’t have control over 100% of the house any more than he can.
OP says
We do something similar. I kept organize things and getting upset DH wasn’t complying with my “system.” He pointed out that if it didn’t work for him, it wasn’t a system. I have had good luck making our systems work by giving him “his” space. So, like he has a bin in the pantry for his snacks and doesn’t have to organize them anymore. Our laundry utility basket also has several shelves that are “his” and I ordered him an organizing system he liked for “his” stuff. We also try to divide up chores based on who cares about them the most. I do all the laundry bc DH doesn’t fold clothes. DH does all the dishes and cleans the kitchen because I don’t clean it enough for him. DH grocery shops since I don’t care about that chore, etc., etc.
I’m not saying I don’t still get angry about things, but this does help.
Anon says
I am your husband. I think your standards are exceptionally high, and credit to your husband, I would just not put things away at all if I was going to be constantly fussed at for putting them away wrong (see also why DH had a similar reaction and still doesn’t do dishes because I told him he did it wrong early in our marriage; I have since gotten wiser that done dishes are better than not done dishes and since he’s not breaking them and they still get clean his way, really, just let him do the dishes without commentary). Toys put away in a chest, great! Toys subsorted in the right clear containers in the chest, instant overwhelm and I’ll just do nothing. You may need to streamline your categories (e.g., all pants go in one drawer) and try to work with him (sounds like you are already doing). For example, I am notorious for leaving shoes all over the house. Ergo, we have a couple of baskets near where they usually get left so that they can be tossed in here. We have a coat tree in the front hallway because it’s just not going to happen that we put our coats on a hanger in the closet each and every time. As my husband and I say, he’s not intentionally waking up and thinking “how can I create chaos for you today”, which helps it feel less like a personal attack on the person who has the higher standard and reframes more as “I am trying my best to comply with a system that is neither innate nor intuitive for me”.
Anon says
I know these things can feel like a really big deal, but I think you might need to accept that you cannot control your husband and how he puts everything away. Imagine if someone else had a very specific system and was on your back to follow it daily. You’d probably think they were controlling and critical and would get defensive too. Remember the bigger picture of how much he contributes. Your way might not be the best way. It sounds like he is trying, so cut him some slack. Not everyone can be type A about household organization.
Anon says
Your standards are incredibly high, in my humble opinion. If your kids are too young to help, that tells me you’re at a point in your life where some level of clutter is probably just going to have to coexist with a house that is lived in. I’m the really tidy one in the family and I don’t think I could keep up with your system.
In our house, Mon-Fri, stuff just gets put where it gets put. With two working parents and one three year old, no way is stuff going in to it’s designated place or bin nightly. I don’t like clutter, but as long as things don’t look cluttered, I don’t care where it’s stashed/piled. Saturday/Sunday, if any particular stash pile is oversized or hasn’t been sorted in a while, I sort through it (in warp speed – 1 minute max) and do stair piles – DH is responsible for his pile disappearing at some point that day, and I don’t care where it’s off to – I just don’t want to to see it. If I told him that X item goes in X credenza or bin or whatever, I think he’d look at me like I had three heads. Not worth my mental energy to organize for him. “DH, this is your pile, make it disappear from my sight.” – might actually be a direct quote from this past weekend.
Anonymous says
Wait so everyone’s system the night before cleaning crew comes isn’t to shove everything into a closet or drawer? Joking aside, you probably need to 1)get rid of a lot of stuff and/or 2)let this go. My husband is smart and thoughtful, hardworking, interesting and constantly doing projects. He leaves sh*t out everywhere, all the time. He literally doesn’t see a mess when there is one. I’ve learned to let it go and give him spaces that are his own to clutter: the buffet in the dining room, his night stand and both garages are his space. When my dining room table and kitchen counter get too cluttered with mail, tools, and Amazon returns, I dump it all on the buffet or in the garage. It’s a bit passive aggressive but he knows I can’t handle the clutter (I literally can’t think when the kitchen counter is covered with stuff) yet his stuff can remain in piles in his space. I don’t know, it works for us. Also, get rid of some stuff! I used to be super clean and organized. Three kids cured me of that. I know this isn’t easy, but gently, you’re not going to change him. You have to find a way to make it work for both of you.
Anon says
this would drive me crazy as well. in large part bc i do a lot of solo parenting, so if the kids want to find a certain toy or article of clothing, it is helpful for me to know where it lives. and same with the leaving the books around the house – would drive me nuts. DH will leave his slippers like in the middle of a room and i’ve tripped on them before. DH takes things out all the time and doesn’t put them away and then sometimes gets into these modes where he complains that my stuff is ‘everywhere.’ can you think of the 2-3 areas where the things bug you or matter to you the most and focus on those? so it is only a few things for DH to focus extra attention on rather than everything?
Boston Legal Eagle says
This is why I had to remove the taped labels on most of our bins – would I love to have bins marked “play doh,” “magnatiles,” “random art,” etc., with the appropriate toys always inside each? Yep. Is it going to happen with two small (or even not so small) kids? Nope. Toys not on floor put away in a big jumbled bin is going to have to be good enough in this season of life. And if it really matters to me, like folding the kids’ clothes a certain way and putting them in one spot, I do it, all the time. So my advice would be to either stop re-organizing the drawers (if he can find stuff, what is the problem?) or do all of yourself (which sounds exhausting).
Anon says
I can see both sides here and empathize with you both. My husband and I realized that we hyperfocus on different areas of clutter/places in our house and it’s hard to “see” the rest of it sometimes. For example, if the floors are clear and the toys shelves are sorted then I’m fine with messy surfaces (up to a point); he gets really stressed out by a messy table and island but will leave the toys in a heap.
I’m probably mostly your husband here. I leave books all around the house because I like to grab them up and start reading easily, and not have to worry about keeping them in their proper place every day. Sometimes I also feel so exhausted that the extra step to put something back “correctly” feels impossible, so I either get it close or don’t do it at all.
However, I am also always devising systems that later collapse. I’ve decided that complicated systems (like buying extra bins) really means I have too much stuff and not a good method of prioritizing things. (We all have just one pants drawer, and I got rid of the rest.) The real solution is to have less so that the organizing/tasks flow more organically and take less brain power to figure out and execute
Aunt Jamesina says
So true about buying bins! I feel like 90% of the time, the answer is to declutter rather than try to devise an organizational system or purchase something to hold all of our crap.
Anonymous says
This is why KonMari tells you to wait until you are done purging and organizing to buy bins. Most of the time, once you’ve pared down your stuff you will find that you don’t need new bins.
Anonymous says
+1 million to your last paragraph. The solution here is less stuff. With the toys, that could mean putting 75% of the toys away in a closet or the basement and rotating them every so often. With books, it means a Kindle. With clothes, it means few enough that the hangers aren’t jammed in too closely and drawers are not overstuffed if things are not put away just so.
The organizational system needs to be set up so that putting stuff away is the path of least resistance. This is why shoes live in the coat closet right next to the bench where we sit to take them off, a hook for the dog leash next to the front door, a bin for keys next to the garage, and a recycling bin where junk mail gets dropped on the way into the house.
TheElms says
My DH is a bit like this (perhaps a bit neater, but definitely doesn’t know where stuff is as a general rule), and I am a bit like you (if I lived alone). Things that work for us are systems where my stuff and his stuff don’t have to share space and very simple systems. So in our house that means things like this: we have a house junk drawer (scissors, stamps, random pet stuff, not super tidy but it closes), a kid junk drawer (stuff from school, toys that need to be fixed), my junk drawer (generally very tidy), and his junk drawer (barely closes). The rule is the drawer has to close or it has to get cleaned out. We agreed on that rule because its sensible. With a toddler, the drawers need to close. We each have a hook for coats and a bin for accessories. The rule is stuff has to be physically hanging on the hook or in the bin. It means his stuff is barely hanging on the hook or shoved in the bin but it doesn’t really affect me directly because I can keep my stuff as neat as I like. (Sometimes his stuff sprawls over and covers my hook but oh well, its mostly separate). In an ideal world coats would go in the coat closet and the door to the coat closet would get shut but I’ve accepted that is never happening and this is a system that is tidy enough and generally gets maintained. It also means that if I want to clean up his stuff, I relocate it to his drawer or his bin and he knows if he can’t find something that’s what I did.
I’ve also tried to simplify the systems. So for kid laundry there is a drawer for underwear/socks/pjs, a drawer for all shirts, and a drawer for all pants. Dresses and skirts get hung up. Would I ideally like the nice pants to be hung up in the closet as well, sure. Is that worth arguing over, no. Sometimes a long shirt gets hung up as a dress.
Sometimes the PJs end up split between the shirt and pant drawer but at least this way the laundry gets done and we don’t really argue about.
For kid toys there is a bin for building toys (duplo/magnatiles), a bin for animals, a cabinet for art supplies, etc. Basically I try to make the categories broad and use big bins and not worry about how organized anything is within a category or space. That means anyone can dump things in the bin, so its fast, but also we generally how a small space to look in if we are looking for something specific. I generally also have a junk or miscellaneous bin, which when full gets sorted back into the regular bins. And of course sometimes everything is turned into a miscellaneous bin and I remind myself at least the toys are no longer on the floor.
Sissy Phus says
I appreciate the varying perspectives; thank you. I think I probably do need to let some stuff go. But I do want to be clear – my standards are fairly average, I’m not trying to be Marie Kondo here! I think you all may have a point about kids’ toys and I probably need to start involving them in the clean up to help, too. But I don’t think it’s too much to ask that if I have a basket for underwear and a basket for socks you put the socks in the sock basket and the underwear in the underwear basket.
I think the other problem is we have a small place. There is no den/separate dining room/garage/basement/attic for me to just give up on. We live in an apartment and DH has a lot of big stuff in our relatively-small space. He plays golf. He plays tennis. He skis. He recently took up guitar. We now somehow have 3 guitars! I could go on. But he thinks he’s a minimalist who is “pretty good at taking care” of his stuff. I like his hobbies! I’m happy he is trying to stay fit and active and interesting as we get older. He’s considerate to not have it interfere with our family time. But this stuff has a footprint in a 2 bedroom home so I feel like I am justified in asking for more buy in from him. I just don’t know how to make him do more than pay lip service to that.
Anonymous says
Focus on what problem this is causing and not whether or not he’s breaking rules you have created – focus on function. I don’t frankly see mixing different kinds of pants, or even socks and underwear together as a big issue because I don’t think it would substantially slow down getting dressed. (My son has a “bottoms” drawer that contains all of his pants AND shorts, and a tops drawer, with long and short sleeved mixed together.) But having drawers that won’t close would be a problem. We had a couple of general toy bins that random toys got put in, and more segregated storage for things that should not be mixed with other toys (play dough!, craft supplies). Kids don’t necessarily want/need things to be organized; look at how they actually use them, not how you think they should be stored. E.g., as much as I want to sort Legos by color or function or size, my child has never wanted to do anything but dump them all together in one giant box.
Also, OP, I feel your pain. We live in an NYC apartment and our full-size moving truck had to make 2 trips because they could not fit everything in 1. When I met my husband, he lived in a 300 sq foot studio with 3 cats, a full set of tools, a full sewing set up, and 3 laserdisc players (one was for parts), among many other things. Currently his hobbies include, but are not limited to, smart home stuff, installing light fixtures, recreational electroplating, sewing, and basically anything involving any tool every invented. He at least is a genius at visualizing space and finding places to put things, but he is not overwhelmed by stuff in the way that I am. One of the reasons I am thrilled to be working in person again is to just not look at my to do list all day. Moving into a larger apartment was great for us, although it is now full too of course.
Anonymous says
OMG the guitars. Why do those things take up so much space? They don’t seem that big, but they really are. We have a four-bedroom house and it still feels completely overrun with just two guitars and two ukuleles. And the sporting equipment. Can you put a plastic storage shed or bin out on your deck for the sporting equipment, or rent a storage closet in the building?
Anonymous says
This is my husband, and I think you have to mostly let it go. The times when I intervene are when his behavior has serious consequences, like ruined stuff or missed bills.
Anonymous says
I would argue that the stress of looking at clutter, especially in a small space where you can’t escape it, is a pretty serious consequence.
Anon says
But he is helping to pick up, he’s just not putting it away in the exact right spot. I think she needs to have more realistic expectations of what mere humans may be able to contribute willingly.
Anon says
Okay, those with full time nannies, help me out here. We had a fantastic nanny for six years. She moved on for personal reasons and our new nanny who has been with us for six months just isn’t working out. We have four kids, but she rarely has to watch all four (usually has one to two, sometimes three just around dinner). Also we pay her above market for our area. DH and I both work full time, but he also travels.
This morning was running out the door with the two oldest (DH out of town) and asked her if she could feed hte dog and let her into the backyard. Not walk her! Just let her out and let her back in – it takes two minutes. She sent me a text asking me to give her more of a heads up if she’s expected to care for an additional dog or child next time or she’d expect more pay. Similarly last week she was at the park with five year old and newborn. Five year old’s best friend’s parent asked if she could keep an eye on friend too for forty five minutes – party was full of other parents, she’d just be the person if he needed to ask to go to the bathroom or something. I asked if she’d be okay with that and she again said she could but she wasn’t happy.
It feels like these aren’t big asks, and it’s creating a lot of stress. Today I could really use her staying forty minutes late – that’s all I need – but she gets annoyed when we don’t clear these things with her weeks before.
So did we have a unicorn nanny before and this is more the norm, or is it somewhere in the middle? We’re going to talk to her about how we need more flexibility, either to let a dog out in the backyard, or to do a favor for a friend, but I really think we may need to start looking for someone else. Which is such a disappointment. Kids think she’s okay, I doubt they’ll be upset. This is definitely her career. She doesn’t have kids herself, so I was hoping she’d occasionally be able to stay later and be a bit more flexible for that reason.
Anon says
Wow that was an essay. Could give a lot more examples. I think the reason I’m looking for a gut check is the last family she worked for raved about her. But they were first time parents with one baby. She had experience with larger families before but we were hiring during covid so I was just getting written summaries of her work but her references were solid.
Another example of how she’s just not very flexible: she started potty training our two year old even though I repeatedly told her we’d do it ourselves and asked her to wait. She just decided she was ready. Which she WAS but we also had a three week old baby at the time and it was a lot for us to have to deal with!
Anon says
I think you had a unicorn nanny before. Asking her to stay 40 minutes (!) late with no notice is completely unreasonable IMO. The tone of “She doesn’t have kids herself, so I was hoping she’d occasionally be able to stay later and be a bit more flexible for that reason” is very off-putting to me. Just because she doesn’t have children, doesn’t mean she doesn’t have friends, a spouse, eldercare obligations, hobbies, etc. Also sounds like low key discrimination against moms. (Did you deliberately pass over women with kids when hiring for this role? If so…yikes.)
The other stuff is more gray area I think, but I can understand her annoyance. Was pet care part of her job description when you hired her? If not, I don’t think it’s appropriate to ask her to do even simple stuff for pets. Watching a stranger kid for 45 minutes at a birthday party is also a pretty big ask. I don’t think a nanny should blink at watching a child’s friend for 5 minutes while their parents run to the bathroom or to pick up something out of a car, but this sounds like kid’s friend’s parents weren’t present at the birthday party and wanted to use your nanny for childcare for almost an hour? That’s pretty weird imo.
Anon says
Yeah, fair. That’s probably a good gut check.
No, didn’t not interview other moms! She just told us she had a flexible schedule when we interviewed and that occasional nights wouldn’t be a problem since she’s not getting home for a kid drop off or whatever. Maybe that’s my real issue – expectation versus reality. She usually leaves at 5:15 and if she could stay until 6 today that would prevent me having to hire another babysitter. As it is I end up weighing getting an annoyed response from her at not having had notice or trying to find another babysitter to sit for an hour this evening. But maybe another babysitter is the answer when things come up at work?
Anon says
If she told you she had a flexible schedule and could stay late on request, then I understand your frustration that what she said in the interview process is not matching reality. When we had a nanny she had set start and end times and I think in that situation it’s not appropriate to make a last minute request for overtime. I think it depends a lot on what you’ve discussed/negotiated before she started.
Anon says
Oh! And just to draw a further parallel, we also specifically asked our nanny not to potty train our 2 year old bc we are traveling in March. I really, really, really don’t want to travel with a newly potty trained 2 year old, so we asked her to hold off. She (lovingly) teases me regularly about how ready my kid is, but she has 100% held off on formally training her. With our former nanny, we had asked her not to feed our infant son any foods unless we had confirmed they were okay bc he had a severe peanut allergy. I came home and found her feeding him something from her lunch, which was super kind of her, but also super terrifying.
Anon says
I also have 4 kids, a full time job, and a husband who has a very full time job and travels. We currently employ a unicorn nanny. My thoughts – asking her to stay 45 minutes late last minute is unreasonable, unless there is an emergency. I usually give 2 to 3 days notice, if possible, if I need extra time. I have solved the frustration with unexpected overages by building a network of back-up nannies who can tag in if needed. I try to look at my calendar on Monday, and see what days we’re likely to need evening hours. I always offer overage to my nanny first, so if she wants extra hours she has a ROFR, and if she doesn’t want it, she sends out the request to a few other nannies who regularly do evening hours for us (with 4 kids, people are always going different directions in the evening, so I have built up this network over time and it significantly contributes to our family’s happiness). Also, if there is a last minute request, one of the other nannies can usually tag in without feeling like we are abusing our position of authority. Technically I have a few buckets of caregivers – our primary nanny, another nanny who doesn’t mind staying late on weekends, a few high school kids who can hang with 1 or 2 kids during weekend sporting events, and nannies who will pick up evening hours if needed. I know this sounds crazy, but we have older, busy kids – and it helps to spread out how much support our family needs.
Regarding the extra jobs, we do not ask her to do anything outside of what we agreed to in her contract, but she’s pretty good at adapting to the pace of our house (so would have let the dog in/out without being asked, but feeding the dog would have been assigned to a kid). In your park example, however, I would not have asked her to watch another kid, but she may have offered if it was really no big deal (i.e., we’ve traveled with other families, and I won’t ask her to watch the other family’s kids – we’ll always get two sitters, although, at some point she’ll usually offer to watch them all if she’s able to – we always, always pay extra for this).
Bottom line, you know if she’s not a great fit with your family. We’ve had four nannies over the years, and she is our only unicorn. We terminated someone immediately before this who was just a bad fit, and who would technically do the job requirements, but didn’t mesh well with how our family operated, or us or the kids. We could have kept her and been fine, but I’m so glad we kept looking. With a big, busy family and two working parents, we really need another strong parental presence around the house, and we often credit our success at work and our kids’ happiness to her. I’m going to go give her a spot bonus, in fact.
Anon says
Oh, the dog is a very low key 9 year old labradoodle that belongs to us. My husband or I usually feed the dog and let her out once in the morning. The food is actually portioned in the fridge. We asked her if she could let out the dog occasionally when we interviewed her. But no, she doesn’t usually dump the breakfast in the bowl for her. But is that really a big ask? Maybe! I just didn’t think so, but I also like dogs?
Anon says
I like dogs too and I don’t think dumping food into a bowl one time is a big ask in and of itself, but I can see her frustration about having additional duties that aren’t part of her job description. It’s easy for stuff like this to gradually expand into more and more tasks so she may suspect this going to lead to be asked to walk the dog, etc. and I can understand that a nanny doesn’t want to take on significant pet care responsibilities.
I agree with you that her potty training your kid when you asked expressly asked her not to is not appropriate. It may be easier for her for the kid to be out of diapers, but she shouldn’t go against your instructions, especially when the kid is young enough that diapers are still developmentally appropriate. But that’s really the only thing you said that makes me think she’s not a good nanny.
EDAnon says
I don’t have a nanny.
I think the dog thing isn’t a big deal (but I would ask my kid to do it, if age appropriate). I think the 45 minute thing is too much. I think you can ask someone to stay late but need to do so with as much notice as possible and understand the answer may be no.
Pogo says
Maybe I have a unicorn too, but I’m kinda with you. We actually don’t even have a set end time for our nanny, she just stays until we’re both done with work/kids are fed. If I want her to do the baby’s entire bedtime (like if one of us is travelling or otherwise fully out of the home all evening) I do try to clear it about a week in advance. I will often text her day of instructions like “sorry we only emptied half the dishwasher” or “I didn’t put a meal plan together, but they can have pasta tonight”. She never bats an eye. If I totally drop the ball she uses her best judgement and then lets me know after. I regularly forget to tell her about deliveries and she always brings them in anyway.
However I will say we were pretty up front about the job duties at the beginning, and we pay really well.
NYCer says
For the most part, I agree with this. FWIW, I also think we sort have a unicorn nanny though.
The dog and staying late seem like no big deal to me. The park bday party is the only example that seems a but outside the realm of normal, so I would try to avoid that happening again.
Pogo says
yeah I think it would depend on which friend/which parent… like there are some that she knows really well and I feel like it wouldn’t bother her, but I also get not wanting to put her in that position. I probably wouldn’t make that ask since I’m a worrier in general and what if that kid suddenly had an emergency etc.
Anon says
well, it sounds like it was made clear from the beginning that there wouldn’t be a set end time. OP doesn’t specify whether there is one in her case
Pogo says
correct, we were very clear because we didn’t want her counting on a certain # of hours, that it would be variable. We set it up more like 6:30 as the end time but you’ll probably leave early most nights – she only stays til 6:30 if she does the baby’s full bedtime routine.
We also outlined the household duties and she even checked in a few weeks into her tenure to ask if there was anything else she should be doing once they were just playing and all fed and kitchen was cleaned up.
anon says
The dog? Maaaybe that’s okay? But I think the situation at the park was super inappropriate and she should push back on that. And 40 minutes isn’t nothing; I don’t blame her for being a bit peeved.
Anon says
I think a lot of this depends on setting expectations during the hiring process. For example, when you interviewed her, did you disclose that you have a dog and that you’d occasionally expect her to take care of it? That kind of stuff needs to be disclosed and negotiated up front – similar to laundry, cleaning, and driving. 4 kids is a lot to handle, even if she’s not watching all 4 at once. It sounds like a very full time job and I can understand why she’d be resistant to other responsibilities on top of the 4 kids if they weren’t disclosed upfront.
Regarding the park episode, if your nanny had a 5 yr old and newborn at the park, I think it’s entirely unreasonable of the other parent to expect her to watch another strange child for 45 minutes, even if it’s during a party – if that child had an emergency during those 45 minutes, the nanny would be the one responsible for handling it.
SC says
I think your nanny is being mostly reasonable. Asking her to watch another person’s child for 45 minutes at a birthday party is a pretty big ask. Asking her to stay 45 minutes late is a big ask, especially with no notice. Asking her to handle pet care is a big ask if that’s not part of her job description.
However, if she’s asking for notice or extra pay to watch more of YOUR kids, that’s not reasonable. It can be hard to do, but I would make sure the base line expectation is higher and in line with your actual needs. For example, she needs to know (and agree of course!) that her job description may require staying until 7 pm and watching up to 3 of your kids. If you get home early, and one of the kids had dance practice that afternoon, then that’s just an easier day.
Anonymous says
I have a full time nanny. I’m over the moon about her. If she started potty training one of my kids when I asked her not to I’d be pretty upset. Did you already have a conversation about that? Agree the dog care is nbd. However, being responsible for another person’s kid and being asked to stay an extra 40 minutes with less than 24 hours’ notice are very big deals for me. I never nannied but I would not put up with that from an hourly job. It’s disrespectful of her time and puts her in a weird position re the other kid (what if there was an emergency?). Anyway, This seems like it’s mostly about communicating expectations. If you want to look for another nanny, I think that’s fine (and you should let her know that). But I would start with a conversation about what her job expectations are and be open to some pushback. Then you can decide if you’re able to compromise or if you need to go your separate ways. Sorry you’re dealing with this: finding a great nanny is a Herculean effort.
Anon says
– the dog thing i think is a reasonable ask.
– watching another kid for 45 minutes i think is a HUGE ask for a nanny who is already watching two kids. personally i think its a bit much you’re annoyed by that and it is an unreasonable expectation.
-potty training your kid when you asked to wait – that is strange and reasonable for you to want her to follow your lead
– asking her to stay 40 minutes late at the last minute – was this part of the conversation when you hired her? like generally you will be working these certain hours, but sometimes we might need you to stay later without much notice because we are in jobs where things come up at the last minute and we will compensate you for your additional time. some nannies might be ok with that and some might not. it’s not an unreasonable ask if you hired her under that premise, but it is an unreasonable ask if you did not. just because someone doesn’t have kids doesn’t mean they don’t have other things they need/want to do, or some people just don’t do well with last minute schedule changes, whereas others don’t care. that to be should be something to be clear about when hiring.
Anon says
FT nanny employer here. I think this is a little bit of both? The dog thing seems totally reasonable to me. The watching the other kid/staying late with little notice is more of a gray area.
FWIW, we have a unicorn nanny who’s been with us for 3+ years. I’d absolutely ask her to pitch in for a small domestic task like letting the dog out on occasion. I probably would not ask her to watch another kid at a birthday party without a heads up in advance and her agreeing it’s know it’s okay. I also usually try to communicate any schedule changes well in advance and make it clear it’s fine if she can’t stay late/come early on short notice (or let her know it’s an absolute emergency). I adore our nanny and go above and beyond to keep her happy so she stays with us in our competitive market, though. So I’m probably an unusually sensitive nanny employer and maybe not the best sample size?
Anon says
yea we also have a nanny. and dog thing seems reasonable. agreed she should not be potty training your kid when you asked her not to. i usually have enough trouble watching my 2 at the park, so watching another kid for 45 minutes would be a bit outside of my own comfort zone to be honest. and staying late without notice – i think this depends a lot on the expectations when you hired her. did you ask if she could be flexible with staying later sometimes, but not specify that it might be without notice? to me there is a big difference between asking someone day of vs. giving advance notice. some people might be amenable to either, some might not be. to me this part depends on expectations when hiring. i’ve definitely asekd our nanny to work more with notice, but absent an absolute emergency wouldn’t ask her to stay late last minute bc it was not part of our agreed upon terms
Anon says
FT nanny employer here and agree with all of this. The dog thing seems reasonable b/c it seemed clear to me, from your post, that this was a one-off b/c you were pressed for time. The park thing isn’t reasonable – that kid isn’t her responsibility. Staying late is all about communication of expectations during hiring – we made it clear that we would occasionally need to deviate from 9-5, but that we would give as much notice as possible and that it would almost always be at least several weeks notice. We have an amazing nanny and pay above market and want to keep her and keep her happy, so I try and put myself in her shoes.
OP says
Yeah, thanks all.
Definitely see the thing at the park. The newborn was actually just asleep in the carseat while the two five year olds played with their class in a gated playground with a all of their parents/caregivers, so it felt not a big deal at the time, but I see it differently now.
When we hired her we explained we both worked full time and our number one thing we were looking for was flexibility. I think we just define it differently – she wants a lot of notice and then can be flexible and we both have big jobs where things come up so it would be helpful to have an hour or so of leeway occasionally. Part of the conversation was we’d actually play her a salary number plus overtime for those extra hours, and she often gets to leave early. She’s also had two weeks off paid at the holidays, gotten six paid sick days this year (and of course stayed home the two weeks we had covid) so we also try to be flexible too. We pay $28/hour takehome in our Texas market, so I really don’t want to go that much higher. I just need someone who sees there’s a small helpful thing that they could do and will do it. The baby naps a bunch so she’s actually often home with just a sleeping kid (all three other kids go to school).
This was all helpful though. I do think there are unicorns out there, and that’s probably what we need. But we can also do a little expectations conversation with her. I kind of think we aren’t the best family for her just like she’s not the best for us, but we also pay the most and give a lot of vacation!
Anon says
So it sounds like in the last week you’ve made at least three asks that are beyond her job duties – if that’s the norm, I think that would not be appealing to most people even if any individual task is not. It sounds like what you are looking for and unlikely that they can provide the flexibility you want so probably time to move on.
anon says
My just-turned-5yo is struggling with appropriate behavior in school. She was in daycare her whole life until pandemic, then spent 1.5 years at home with just us and her twin sister (with a few weeks of camp last summer), and has now been in full-time in-person preK since September. Her teacher says she wants to talk to us about how Kid is still not remembering to keep her hands to herself. The sub that is regularly in her class says Kid says lots of mean things to other kids, including “I want to k*ll you” which we also get at home sometimes.
Any advice on how to respond when these things happen at home or strategies for school? We usually go with “that’s not a nice thing to say” but don’t make a big deal about it–I’m not sure if that’s too weak a reaction or the right call because then she’ll learn she can get more attention by saying certain things.
anon says
I will add, I’m pretty sure she’s bored in school, so I don’t know if that has anything to do with it. She’s in a mixed preK/K class and her teacher is new and really focused on getting the kindergarteners up to grade level, so my kid that is already reading, doing addition and subtraction, etc. is kind of left to her own devices to work on things she mastered a long time ago.
Anonymous says
If she finishes her work early then she should be told what to do – colouring sheet, free play, whatever. Boredom is not a reason to threaten other kids.
Anonymous says
I would consider moving her from a school where PK and K are reading and doing math worksheets to a play-based one ASAP. No PK kid needs these academic skills. They need strong social skills and basic academic frameworks. All 3 of my kids could not read other than a few basic sight words before K. They are all quite academically strong and performing 1-2 grades ahead in elem/early middle school.
anon says
Oh, I know these skills aren’t necessary, but it’s public school so the K students have to meet state testing requirements. The PK’s aren’t doing math worksheets or being taught reading; they’re doing age-appropriate stuff about sorting items by the letter they start with, pre-math of arranging items by size, learning how to put things back on the shelf when they’re done with them, learning how to teach the younger kids how to do something, etc. I’m not that fussed about what they’re actually doing, more just meant it as point of reference.
Anonymous says
Any unkind statements in our house is an instant time out. A violent statement would also be no electronics for 24 hours in addition to timeout. You can’t behave kindly then you can take some time away from others to think about how to do that. Immediate consequence every time. No discussion. If they leave their bedroom during time out, the clock restarts. I’ve had to restart a clock more than once before they learned I wasn’t kidding.
anon says
We do time outs of sort when they’re physically hurting each other (e.g. you need to be away from everyone else for a while if you can’t be nice with your body), I just haven’t been able to figure out if that’s the right call for violent statements when she doesn’t really understand what she’s saying.
anon says
She’s old enough to have that explained to her.
Anon says
i also have twins who are a year younger than yours. mine are fraternal girls. when my kid says something that falls into the “not a nice thing to say” category, i usually respond by saying something like “sounds like you are having some big feelings about something.” which is an approach i sort of took from dr. becky at home. your kid might be saying this to get attention or might be saying it because something else is bothering her. also- does one of your twins tend to be more dominant than the other at home? are they in separate classes or the same classes?
anon says
Separate classes, thank god!
Anon says
We try to be judicious with timeouts and generally save them for hitting or dangerous behavior like unbuckling a carseat when the car is in motion, but I would probably do one for a threat like “I want to kill you” as well. I think that’s a little different than just rude words, which we tend to tune out.
It’s probably too late at this point to change schools, but a play-based school might have been a better environment. Gifted or very advanced kids generally do better in a play-focused environment than one where they have to spend time drilling lots of academic stuff they already know.
Anon says
does your teacher have any suggestions? i would also ask your kid about during a calm moment. to see if you could identify triggers or come up with something else kiddo could do when she feels like not keeping her hands to herself.
like is this happening when kids are all playing together or they are all supposed to be sitting still quietly doing some work? i’m a bit surprised by all of the suggestions for instant time outs. i feel like half the time my kids say something mean, it is because they are actually upset about something else and don’t have the right words to express it
Anonymous says
Just because a kid is upset doesn’t mean they are allowed to be mean to others.
anon says
Kid usually says it’s because someone was mean to her first, so we’re working on strategies for what we can do in that situation (find a teacher, go talk to a different friend, count to 5, etc). Thanks for reminding me to work more on that!
Anonymous says
My kid wrote a note to another kid in kindergarten saying he wished she was dead. We talked about how that might make her feel and he wrote an apology note. Understand that while it is mean, 5 year olds don’t REALLY understand death. Same kid struggles with hitting. Where it is due to interpersonal conflict the teacher works with them on other strategies and we reinforce at home, plus extra work with kiddo to monitor self for being hangry before he gets hangry. If it’s “gets up from seat to hit people or disrupt class,” this year’s first grade teacher is dealing with a lot of kids with that issue and uses strategies of differentiating work so they don’t get bored, having the kids run errands to get a break if they’re overstimulated, special jobs in the classroom etc.
OP says
Thanks all. I appreciate the reminder to talk to her teacher and figure out what strategies they’re using at school. I think she’s given up on in-school timeouts because it just means my kid sits stubbornly in the corner for ages, but I’m not sure what strategy the lead teacher is using. (The sub pulls my kid aside and talks to her about what she did and why and what she’s feeling, which is an effective strategy but hard to implement in a class of 20 with only two adults).
Anon says
as a fellow twin mom, what is the dynamic at home. who is the dominant twin? is the twin acting out the one who is more accustomed to being in charge at home or visa versa? after being at home with just sister to play with, this is a change. i know you said above you are glad kiddos are in separate classes, but could the last time she was in school was a while ago, could she feel out of sorts without her sister?
Nervous about adding a second (wanted) child says
We are about to restart the IVF transfer process as we look towards adding our second child to the family (done with retrievals, so it’s just FETs until it works). We have an amazing daughter and we planned to have 2-3 children and still want 2-3 children and yet I’m STILL suddenly a bundle of nerves about how much her world will change, no more 100% attention from mama and dada, etc. etc. I was fortunate to have a very healthy and uneventful first pregnancy and so hope for the same this time around, but I know that my “evening sickness” will probably interfere with bedtimes/bathtimes some nights and already feel guilty. This is normal, right?
Anonymous says
100%
– signed, mom to 2 IVF babies
Anon says
Totally normal, and yes her world will completely change (as will yours!) but learning to share early isn’t going to hurt. We had an IVF baby when my oldest was 6, and he’s still adjusting – 18 month olds are a lot for anyone to handle! But he’s also so proud of her and brags about his ‘baby sister’ at school. He’s very good now at being self-directed since sister takes up a lot of time – he reads, he does puzzles, and he very much looks forward to special time with just mom and dad after sister is in bed.
EDAnon says
I felt this way when deciding to go for a second. It helped me to highlight all the great things about having a sibling (which is why I wanted two!). It’s all pros and cons and how you weight them, so it helps me to focus on that.
FWIW, my two are 3 and 5 and I have no regrets. I only wish my second could have gotten more of that 100% attention time. But they’re both great, healthy, wonderful kids.
Pogo says
yes, 100%. Also had two IVF babies.
Confession says
I did not send anything for my 5 year old’s daycare class for Valentine’s Day yesterday. I remembered late Sunday evening but had already spent the day at a friend’s birthday party and soccer, and just did not have the energy to go back to the store or do something homemade. Both DH and I decided to pass on Valentines for school this year. I know, this is fine, and I’m at peace with the decision…kind of. I only felt a little bad when my son came back with a box of cards and gifts. FWIW, only about half the kids seem to have brought something.
We did the right thing (at least for us)….right?
Anon says
Totally fine.
Anonymous says
How does your kid feel? If they don’t care, it 100% does not matter in the slightest.