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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anon says
Feeling in a real slump re: friendships lately. I’m a new mom who lives in an area with lots of SAHMs so there are tons of mom/baby clubs, outings, etc. taking place in the middle of the workday and never outside of those hours. Adjusting my work schedule to attend any of those isn’t an option. I already struggle with guilt about working (even though I like and am good at my job!) but am feeling isolated about making friends with other parents given that it seems like there isn’t anything out there for working moms, and I’m wary of social media initiated contact. Is this an “it is what it is” kind of situation? Would appreciate any advice you have!
Clementine says
I have SAHM friends, but I will admit that I find it easier to get together with my working mom friends. I am still good friends with one of my oldest’s daycare buddies moms (they’re in elementary school). I found these people doing things that fit my schedule, not the other way around. 5PM Thursday swim lessons? Saturday morning Stroller workouts? Haven for moms with similar schedules.
I felt it most acutely right after I went back to work. As your kids get a bit older, even SAHMs have their kids at school all day. The pandemic has been so isolating – I’ve been shocked at how far even quick funny memes sent to acquaintances have developed into real friendships.
anon says
Easier said than done, but most of my mom friends are either working moms, too, or people with whom I already had a relationship. I was never going to be around during the day enough to make those formal club things work. While that’s a loss, I also remember feeling very out of synch with the SAHM crowd during the baby/toddler years.
Mm says
No advice, same boat. Where are you located?
OP says
New England – not a fun boat to be in!
Anne-on says
Same situation here – I have a small core group of mom friends from my son’s school but none work full time and though they are super lovely I don’t think any of them really ‘get it’. I would love it if the moms site had a moderated Facebook group for those of us interested in IRL connections facilitated via the group but I understand that’s a lot to ask of Kat and team!
Anon says
Same here. Where abouts?
Anon says
CT – seems like a lot of New England moms on here!
Anon in CT says
I am in a similar boat and in CT as well..Litchfield County specifically. If that is near you, post a burner email and we can connect :)
anon says
Also in the same boat (with the added problem that I moved for DH’s job shortly after DS#1 was born, so I didn’t have a network of friends in my city to begin with – which means I’m extra starved for company). My kids are 3 and 1 now and I’m starting to notice this absence pretty strongly. I wish I knew what to do about it. DS1 goes to preschool 3 days a week but none of the parents seem interested in forming rel’ships (even just for play dates). I like the suggestion of a FB group below, but would prefer non-FB (reddit maybe, or even an old fashioned email listerv) if such a thing were to ever be created! I did try that app Peanut but it didn’t really get me anywhere. I’m in SoCal btw.
Anon says
Is your kid in childcare? If so, presumably those people are also working and so have a more compatible schedule. Can try to set up weekend gatherings like a playground near a coffee shop or when it’s warmer out can be really nice to meet on a weeknight and have pizza delivered to a playground.
Or if you have a women’s professional association for whatever your work is, that is a great way to meet working moms.
There may also be a group for working moms in the area – try asking around or googling for that. Good luck!
anon. says
How old are your kid/kids? As another poster said, I ended up friends with other daycare parents even as the kids got older and many of those remain our family, do stuff on the weekend friends. Hopefully if you’re kid/kids are young, as COVID eases up a bit, you can meet people at birthday parties and stuff. A mom in my younger kid’s class scheduled a weekend 9 am, all siblings welcome playground gathering last month and brought donut holes, which was a fun way to meet people, see who had kids the same age, etc. Highly recommend this route.
OP says
Currently 7 months so too young for real “play dates” (aside from COVID concerns). Feel like this will be less of an issue as he gets older/more social and can go to things like that you mentioned!
Spirograph says
+1 to daycare parents.
Even though the babies are too young to get much out of a playdate, if your area is SAHM heavy, other daycare moms may be craving some working mom friendships just as much as you are. Maybe take the plunge and ask if anyone is interested in getting together? Set up some toys on the floor in a baby-proofed area for the little ones, and sit nearby with some tea and chat. Or go for a walk with the kids in strollers (it may still be cold/snowy for that if you’re in NE?) You don’t need to try to spin it as a play date, call it like it is and say you’re hoping to connect with the other new moms! I was always happy to have a safe place to put the baby down and someone to talk to, even if we didn’t end up becoming great friends.
Pro tip – target other new moms. Moms with older kids will be logistically more difficult to connect with (although it’s always nice to extend an invitation).
Anon says
+1 to the Pro Tip. (I mean, to the whole post, but especially the pro tip).
Anon says
+2 to the pro tip especially
Anonymous says
I posted above but forget about your kid. Organize a parent/mom’s night out.
I did this at our daycare pre-covid and all it took was asking the director to forward an e-vite. I picked a thursday night and a bar in town and did it for all parents. Some couples came, some just one parent. It was great! I made it a standing “3rd thursday” thing. From there, some groups started to do their own thing- book club, mom’s night out, etc.
Once they’re older playgrounds are fun too.
Anonymous says
I’ve been on both sides of this- new mom and not working and new mom and working full time. How old is your kiddo? Where does s/he go during the day?
When I was a working mom with young kids, I found that my mom friends were parents of the other kids in our daycare (or women I met through those friends). It was more about schedules than “fit,” honestly. Working moms are busy with work and have kids in childcare 8-5pm. SAHMs are busiest in the evenings and are looking for stuff to do during the day, even more so once it’s baby #2+.
I never was fully at home, but I dialed back to a very part time schedule and could fit in daytime outings. There I met lots of great women who took a couple years off, and most eventually went back to work. Now that my kids are 5-10 I’d say the vast majority of women I know are working in some capacity (selling MLM leggings does not count, but part time work at an F500 does).
Anonymous says
I was really excited to make daycare parent friends but it just didn’t really happen, I think because kids just aren’t really friends with each other at that age and it’s really on the parents. When my kids were babies, I relied on my far away friends. Now we’ve made some friends with neighbors- you will have to take the initiative here, I was pretty forward with just going up and introducing myself and saying “I see you have kids our age, would you like to meet up sometime?” and then slowly building up. Some we just didn’t gell with (thinking of one awkward dinner), but some we did. Also now that my kids are in elementary school, it’s like a million times easier, because they have friends they want to meet up with and the pool is much larger. Playground meet ups are easier, sometimes we’re texting about camps, days off, school gossip, etc. None of these are super close friendships but I would like to think they will get there.
Anon says
Thanks for this. My kid is 4 and I have zero daycare mom friends. I know Covid is a factor here (no big birthday parties, few play dates) as well as a bit of random bad luck (kiddo best friend’s main parent is a dad who is polite but not friendly to me) but I still feel like a failure for not having local mom friends and I worry that my lack of a social network is going hurt my kid.
Anon says
I’m a pretty extroverted, social person and I also made zero friends with other daycare parents at either of our two daycares we went to, all pre-COVID (even though in theory I would have been totally open to it if someone had tried with me). At ours there just really weren’t *that* many other parents given the size, and it was clear there was a lack of commonality between us and the other parents. Another factor is, depending on how your town/school system is structured, but the daycare kids kind of went to a bunch of different preschool and elementary schools in the area, and it was clear we were not going to create a friendship strong enough with these families in the short amount of relative time we are talking to maintain a friendship despite having our kids at different schools down the line, so if I’m being completely honest the effort near the end when that became clear to me didn’t feel super worth it. Once you are in preschool/and especially elementary school it feels a little more worth the effort as hopefully you will be around each other for the long haul. And there will be a much bigger pool to increase the chance of commonality, and your kid at that point will start to make true friends on their own which will naturally draw you to those parents instead of being 100% on you.
You are not failing your kid by not making daycare parent friends.
Anon says
I know this doesn’t help you now, and not everyone will have this experience, but I agree with some of the others that this dynamic may get better as the kids get older. Just to think about it from their perspective, I think they are honestly (understandably) trying to fill their days as we all know being at home all day alone with a baby can be long and tedious, so naturally they are going to have to fill it with other SAHMs that are available. And there isn’t as much of a need then on their end to be social at night or on the weekend because they already got a lot of that socialization during the week. As those babies grow up and get into preschool or elementary school and the moms no longer have a baby to entertain all day, I get the sense the days get filled up more with volunteering, errands, running kids around to after school activities, etc. I could be wrong but I really don’t get the sense there is the same level of moms-randomly-socializing-with-other-moms a ton during the weekday when the kids are in school like there is when the kids are babies, outside of maybe an occasional walk or something. Therefore everyone seems to be a bit more on the same playing field with wanting to do evening/weekend dinners etc. I work full time and I now have a number of SAHM friends. I know this is years out for you, but sometimes it helps me to know it won’t always feel a certain way I am down about. (And also, yes! to all of the other suggestions of targeting other working parents you can find as much as you can to hopefully make this less of an issue earlier!).
Momofthree says
One other thing I didn’t hear mentioned, is maybe trying to find an activity on the weekends that you could sign up for- maybe a music class or a parent/baby yoga class. I understand not wanting to deal with indoors & COVID, so yes, it may just take until spring.
Other ideas- is there a moms email list/ interest group for your area? I know you mentioned not liking social media, but when I was on mat leave, I was able to find groups of people who were walking and meet up with them (even if they didn’t have a baby with them). If you do have a local email group, you could ask for a meet up of moms during a time that you can make. It’s a totally normal forum.
I will admit that winters are just hard with babies in cold places, especially now that COVID is happening. I’ve also had luck with playgrounds and starting up conversations.
Sending good thoughts your way
anonamama says
+1 to this! Recently enrolled in a weekend gymnastics class (18mo & up) and ended up meeting another mom from our daycare in the class. Granted we were also in swim classes and never struck up any friendships that way; but it was a nice surprise. I also joined my local moms group and found some other working moms (even though I would have never guessed that from the outside). I think you’ll have to try a lot of things to see what works – it seems to be something that will continually evolve over time.
Momofthree says
Is there an option where you could join a baby music class or gymnastics or a library story time on the weekend? I know that you’ve said you’re cautious about COVID (and I completely understand) so these may not be an option right now, but in a few months, there may be outdoor options. These can be a great way to meet fellow parents, and if you do it on the weekend, they’re probably working parents as well.
I know you mentioned that you don’t like social media led, but I’ve also found this to be a good avenue as well. If your neighborhood/ town has a parents/ caregivers google group/email list, this can be a good place to post about having a meet-up & since you’re organizing, you can find a time that works for you! I had a good group of women that I walked with on my mat leave and we would have some moms that would join even if they didn’t have a baby (I realize this would only work if you were WFH), but just to give an example.
Another option would be to have conversations at the playground (which is outdoors & COVID safe). 7 months can kind of be difficult for spontaneous conversation, unless you have an earlier crawler, but I’ve had some great conversations with fellow parents.
The thing that I often find difficult is that it can take a while for friendships to form, especially when they are relatively short encounters. Don’t get discouraged- these things take time & effort.
Maybe you could also see if other coworkers have kids/ if there’s a parent group at your work? (not sure if you’re WFH)
Sending you good thoughts! It’s so hard with little babies in the winter
Melly says
I found some working mom friends through my synagogue. I’m not religious but the Rabbi knew some other moms who had baby namings around the same time period who he thought were going back to work. He made an introduction and invited us to a kids Hanukkah thing. We met there and I was clear that I was looking to find people to do baby stuff with. It was easy to text them next time I heard about a zoo thing or a playground I wanted to check out.
I also met working moms in a baby and me yoga class on Sunday mornings.
anon says
Piggybacking off the sleep training post the other day- we are thinking we will Ferber our four month old soon. She goes to sleep independently so long as she has her pacifier. It’s getting old waking up 3-4 times a night just to stick it back in. How awful was it? She’s really attached to that thing and I’m dreading nights of screaming.
Clementine says
Just as a suggestion – my friends call it the Binky minefield. Just throw like 6 pacifiers in her crib so she can find one by herself.
Anon says
+1. Bonus if she uses a paci that they made a glow in the dark version of (my kids used MAM, which did). Baby rave!.
anon says
I have heard of that but I think she’s about 2-3 months away from being able to do it.
TheElms says
I would practice during the day time to the extent you can with the paci’s and reaching for and grabbing them. You might be surprised. My kid mastered this around 4-5 months and I was completely shocked.
AnonATL says
We ripped off the bandaid all at once. Crib transition, removed pacifier, and ferbered all at once. It went fine
anon. says
SAME. Rip it off, you’ll be happier in the long run. Kisses, walk out of the room.
anon says
How much crying was there night one? I know every kid is different but I’m trying to steel myself.
AnonATL says
It’s been over a year now, but I think night one was on and off for about 20-30 minutes. Night two was less than 5. Every kid is different though. I do remember my husband and I sitting on our bed holding hands while I cried, drank wine, watched the timer. Night one was rough for us but so worth it.
anon says
Um. 2 hours? Possibly more. It was a lot, but was cut down to ~45 mins the next night, and by night 4-5 we were golden. I had to leave the house night one.
Anonymous says
Yes, not super uncommon to have to wait 2+ hours the first night. It should decline but sometimes it goes slowly. I think you really have to commit. If you lose your resolve at 90 minutes, you just trained baby that 90 minutes of crying is what it takes to get you back and it will just be harder if you ever want to try again. So decide if you are ready or not, but don’t waffle. And get a video monitor so you can assure yourself that the baby is safe and not stuck in an uncomfortable position or anything like that.
anon says
Also, Ferber didn’t work for us. Going back in in increments made it worse. We went full on cold turkey left the room and didn’t go back. I didn’t even know that was “a thing ” – the Ferber increments were so pushed down my throat by friends and other groups I associated with when DD was teeny. But that’s what did the trick for us. I think we pulled the plug on the incremental visits in to her room after 2-3 days of realizing it was making it worse.
Pogo says
Weissbluth has a whole section about this – he actually lays out all the different methods and explains why he thinks full extinction involves less crying overall. But he does explain how to do all the other methods, not just extinction.
NLD in NYC says
First night with was about 30-45 mins. You’ll probably feel like the worst parent in the world; gird your loins of your heart. 2nd night <15 mins. By nights 3-4 he was MUCH better and our sanity was restored. Still working on early risings though…
Allie says
It’s terrible but so worth it IMHO. If it helps think of it as condensing all the crying into a few nights instead of spreading it out every night for a year (i.e. more total crying w/o ferber!). If you can at all stand to try to go out on walk for the first set of crying and have your SO listen.
anon says
It does help to think of it that way, thank you!
Nursing clothes? says
Any fave nursing tops? With my first kid I just wore nursing tanks or stretchy normal tanks with nursing bras and a cardigan or loose button up on top. But I remember all of them feeling sort of cheap and boring and overall just feeling really schlumpy for that whole period, which wasn’t helpful for my overall mental state. Maybe that’s just inevitable but interested in any suggestions for ways of dressing or specific items that work well for nursing but you still felt somewhat like yourself.
Anon says
After the first couple weeks I pretty much just wore normal clothes. But I had no problem just lifting up my shift to nurse, even in public. I gather some people don’t like having their stomach exposed, but I didn’t care.
TheElms says
Same I wore my normal shirts, or my normal shirts in a size up and just lifted them. I didn’t love have my stomach exposed so depending on context I also wore a nursing tank under so I would unclip that and lift the top shirt, which allowed me to cover my stomach.
GCA says
Same. I’m not sure why, but I always felt more exposed if my shoulders were exposed than if my midriff was.
anon in brooklyn says
I didn’t mind having my midriff exposed either. I think because it was mostly covered by the baby. I felt really exposed if my upper chest was visible—so I didn’t really like button down shirts. The other advantage of the loose shirt pulled up was if the baby pulled away, the shirt fell down and covered me.
DLC says
I really like Latched Mama and Teat&Cosset. This latter is quite pricey, but things are really well made. I had a fun sweatshirt dress from Gap too. Also I loved the Gap tie back tops over a nursing tank… i could tie the waist for a more fitted look. ASOS also has some cute dresses and tops.
I was definitely in the “want nice nursing clothes” camp for the same reasons. By my third kid I wanted to have clothes that were nice and functional and didn’t feel like I was just “making do”
Anonymous says
Latched Mama is bad enough, but OMG Teat & Cosset. Why are nursing and maternity clothing brand names so bad??
Anon says
I’m a fan of normal clothing – a tank top with a looser shirt over top. You can lift up the looser shirt and pull down the tank top. I’m sure there must be decent options out there but nursing clothing usually looks very sister wifey to me.
Mary Moo Cow says
Isabelle Oliver nursing dresses. I owned three of them that I rotated with an Old Navy nursing dress for weeks when I returned to work. I had to have my stomach covered or I got very cold while pumping, so I liked those wrap nursing dresses because I was still covered and warm. The IO dresses are good quality and very flattering. After a while, I transitioned to regular wrap dresses. I also liked nursing dresses because they are one and done, look more dressy/like you put more effort into than you did, and since I was post-partum in the summer in the south, cooler than layers of shirts.
Anon says
Also just wore normal tops (tees, tanks, blouses) and dresses that buttoned (generally tried to wear machine washable stuff…). When BFing in public, I usually had a swaddle blanket to throw over me/baby – so my stomach was never exposed. I never found nursing clothes that were my style, not cheap feeling, or not obviously “nursing/maternity” clothes so I just gave up. I also dislike the feeling of tight/stretchy nursing tanks.
Anonymous says
I did not like any of the clothes made specifically for nursing. Everything I found except for the nursing tank tops was a maternity/nursing hybrid, so there was a bunch of excess fabric in the belly. The flaps were all very obvious and I always felt at risk of exposure. For me, getting back into regular clothes was an important part of feeling less schlumpy. In the early days I wore a nursing tank under a regular top and pulled the top up to nurse. Later on I wore normal tops without the nursing tanks and used a nursing cover. I did have one normal wrap dress that I really liked for nursing.
anon says
So, in the winter I found nursing tops to be useful because my exposed stomach was cold. I got a nursing turtleneck with buttons on the side from the gap that actually looks and feels like real clothes. (oh the wonder) Other than that, I did scoop neck/v-neck tops that I didn’t mind hauling down. You are right – for some reason lots of nursing clothing feels disposable.
So Anon says
Hunger Games salute to all the other moms out there who loved the half-time show, then stayed up way too late doing valentine’s things and now need motrin and caffeine to make it through today. McSweeney’s excellent valentine’s post in a comment to follow.
So Anon says
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/im-beginning-to-think-you-dont-care-about-the-forty-seven-valentines-i-need-to-take-to-school-tomorrow
anon says
LOL, that hits close to home. We didn’t find out until Thursday that my DD’s class was going to do Valentines this year, after all. And we were supposed to have them delivered to school by Friday morning. FFS. I spent my Thursday evening going to three stores, none of which had any cards left. So I bought $22 worth of candy and goody bags and called it a win. I made the whole family help with assembly because I was OVER IT.
Anonymous says
We went to four stores before I was able to locate Valentines this year. I mean any Valentines. Stores had zero. Crazy…. My daughter’s second grade class was making Valentines in class, but no such luck with the preschooler and third grader. Third grader could not bring anything edible (and so candy treat bags were not allowed). To the extent preschooler brought food, it had to be “healthy”.
Spirograph says
Sigh, yes. I was under the mistaken impression that the two handmade valentines for my kindergarteners class would be made at school, but nope… My daughter was thrilled to go to town crafting with paper doilies and crayons, and made extra valentines for all her neighbor friends while K son sullenly glued on some hearts I cut out and complained that “Happy Valentines Day” was too many letters to write. 3rd grade son did not need to make handmade valentines, but kept trying to insist that the 20 store-bought valentines (which, luckily, we grabbed weeks ago in a rare feat of advanced planning) were “optional” (they are not). He sullenly wrote his name in the From line for each of them, but could not be bothered to address them.
Daughter, of course, had enthusiastically addressed all her store-bought valentines on Friday while I was still attempting to work… since I wasn’t watching, I didn’t notice until too late that she’d folded them so the names were on the inside and used a bunch of ribbon to tie each of them up.
We also had to bake heart shaped cookies for K class to decorate. (To be fair, I signed up for that, not realizing at the time that it was Superbowl Sunday and that I would have social engagements and many other crafts to do.)
Anne-on says
I have never been happier about my son getting older than I was this year when I found out 4th grade ‘doesn’t do’ valentines day (no art class mailboxes, full class valentines exchange, flowers to teachers, cupcakes, etc.). It was blissful not having to ransack target for ‘non food’ valentines and treats.
Aunt Jamesina says
… flowers to teachers?!
Anne-on says
I blame the overly enthusiastic class mom for making that a thing ‘lets show our love to the teachers for Valentines too! Send every child in with a flower to fill a vase (that she decoupaged with hearts) with love!!!!”.
Anonymous says
Wow.
Kid 1- 2nd grader. Chose her own valentines at Target, used the class list to send home and self-addressed. Helped me select 5 other options for the other kids, who were not with me at Target that day.
Kid 2- Kindergartner. Selected her pick from our 5 options. Signed her name to every one, then I sat with her and we made sure she spelled her classmates’ names correctly. I asked her if she wanted to make teacher cards, and she did, professing her love for them. She cleaned everything up. Teacher specifically sent home a note asking for “just plain valentines” so we didn’t have to attach any nonsense.
Kid 3- 3.5. Was handed a pack of sure-fire winner valentines (her fave cartoon, with pencils). She happily signed her name to every one. We did not address them to specific kids, per school instruction. Dad put pencils in the cards. No envelopes.
I may or may not return the other 4 packs of valentines to target. That’s the extend of the hassle.
anon says
Same. I handed my preK kids a stack of Valentines I picked out (criteria: available for curbside pickup at my local Target 3 weeks ago) and a list of names of their classmates and had them sign and address them.
I’m sure homemade cards and giftbags are cuter than the box of 24 cards and temporary tattoos for $3.50, but I didn’t have it in me to care about spending more than 30 minutes on this process.
Anonymous says
Even addressing store-bought cards is a huge hassle for us. My kid reads and writes well but does not like to sit down and write names on 25 valentines.
Anonymous says
We did this, but spread it out over the entire weekend. 10-15 minutes here and there adds up. Kiddo genuinely enjoys deciding which classmate gets which valentine. “This one has orange on it, and Friend wears orange, so I bet he’d like it.”
anon says
I was actually shocked at how willing my 4.5yos were to write 25 names! I think they enjoyed the idea of getting to pick out cards for all their friends (and enemies…).
Pogo says
haha yup we burned out after 2. TWO! He was game to select who got which dinosaur after that, and sometimes would do a little drawing, but he was over writing out his name after the first 2.
Anonymous says
My 3.5 yo can write her name at school (sort of) but I completely failed to get her to write it on even one Valentine. Fortunately, she has a common name and used a “MyName” stamp with furious abandon.
GCA says
Yep, similar approach. I bought two packs of dinosaur-themed Valentines with stickers.
Kid 1 – 1st grade. Teacher supplied class list and he wrote all those, then decided to write a few additional ones for teachers, afterschool counselors, and afterschool friends.
Kid 2 – 3.5. Told me who was in her class (no class list). Added stickers to each Valentine. Put them in bag. I did the writing.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Caveat that I LOVE Valentine’s day (for all the cheesy, fun of it…not the “romantic” part) so it actually gave me a bit of joy to plan ahead. We’ve been dealing with sickness/COVID quarantines, so I told DH that he was off the hook for Val day. I got him a card and candy and he eyed me suspiciously – I told him hey you know I love this day this is NOT A TRICK!!!!!!!!
DS #1 – We signed up to bring decorations for the party, which I ordered online and dropped off last week. Valentine’s were ordered online, and this is the first year we did anything “extra” – I stapled (!) mini candy bars to them. I made DS #1 write his name on each of them (and then wrote his name in parenthesis because…he’s 4).
DS #2 – Signed up for a sweet item – valentine’s mini-cupcakes which I had as part of our grocery delivery. His valentines were a bunch of leftovers from DS #1 years past because…he’s 1.
Anon says
My kid is almost 4 but we’ve never done this before, because it was canceled last year due to Covid and before that she was in the infant-toddler room where apparently Valentine’s Day is not a thing. I stupidly went to Target yesterday thinking I could buy Valentines. We ended up just getting blank thank you cards with a glittery heart on them and then I wrote the names and “Happy Valentine’s Day” and had my kid decorate them with stickers. They came out ok in the end. But now reading this of course I’m panicking that I didn’t send in anything besides the cards. Hopefully she’s not the only kid without little pencils or candy or whatever.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Nope, don’t feel bad. This was the first year I ever sent anything beyond just the cards. I sent candy because I abhor the “crap” like pencils and small plastic toys that go straight to the trash!
Anon says
I guess I’m the mean mom…I sat with my first grader for the first several valentines, but told him he would need to do them himself if he wanted to bring them to hand out. He did and was proud! In preK I cut up construction paper into squares and he signed his name and added stickers and that was that. (K it was optional but frowned upon because of covid so I happily skipped it.)
In this area, I am good at not taking on emotional labor for other people. No one else will care if your kid doesn’t bring valentines, and it’s a great way to learn about natural consequences :)
Anonymous says
I’m so grateful that my 9 year old was not interested in offering cards/candy/anything this year, and that he has never once wanted to do character day, wacky hat day, or any other “school spirit” event other than everyone’s favorite, pajama day. He also chose to wear the same Halloween costume for a solid 4 years. I’m an ex-artist and kind of love crafty crap when I have time, but he does make my life easier. The mailbox thing is also foreign to me – none of our schools have ever done that, thank goodness.
Anon says
I actually am quite crafty but it’s a lot! We usually print cards or labels from Etsy then assemble. This year my 1st grader saw some heart shaped items on Etsy and decided we should make them for her classmates; it took us two weekends to finish the project. I’m torn between wishing we had just purchased valentines and added candy and feeling happy to have found a craft project she wanted to do together instead of zoning out on screens.
Mary Moo Cow says
Ha! This was me last Thursday night.
What I love about holidays with little kids is that they still believe it’s magical. Like, they both ran into my room screaming this morning, “Guess what?! We have balloons! And candy!” They really didn’t make the connection that a card signed “Mom and Dad” meant Mom and Dad bought the balloons and candy.
TheElms says
Kid is 2.5 — I bought some silly Valentines on Amazon with light up silly glasses to attach. (I imagine some parents will hate this but at least they don’t make noise). Signed her name on each card and sent them in. She came home with a whole bag of Valentine’s cards that range from plastic stuff to food to plain cards. I know she is going to love looking at them all this afternoon. She’s never done Valentine’s day before and she’s sooooo excited.
anon says
Does anyone feel like their illnesses are lasting longer these days? Our son started daycare in August and has gotten sick on the regular since. At least once ever two months, we’ve also gotten sick. I know all this is par for the course (we have a 6 yo too who was also in daycare) but what seems out of the ordinary is how severe the illnesses are and how long they last. Rather than dissipate over 3-5 days, they are taking 8-10 days just to start feeling even a tiny bit better. And my husband and I are generally pretty healthy–active and eat well, and I hardly ever drink. Our sleep could be better but see, kids above. :) Is this happening to anyone else? The long term, severe colds are killing us.
Anonymous says
It’s always taken me 8 – 10 days to recover from a cold.
I have an older kid in public school who’s had two colds since returning to in-person school, both of which resolved much more quickly than normal. I wonder whether the masks are reducing viral load and hence severity for all sorts of illnesses, not just COVID.
Anon says
I’ve had the opposite experience. Our colds are much shorter duration than they were before the pandemic. I too suspect masks are a factor (even worn imperfectly – I have a 3 year old).
Anon says
I’ve been sick since the New Year, and I usually kick these things in 3 days if they aren’t gone in 24 hours.
Anonymous says
I think it is stress and age and possibly some environmental toxicity (I know it sounds woo woo, but we are rapidly changing ecosystems in ways that will have large and small impacts as things ripple through the food chain and air and water). Post-viral advocates are getting more and more vocal about their chronic conditions and one thing seems clear. REST. I know that is ridiculous advice to a mom, but if an illness is hanging around, you need to get as much rest as you can and not over-exert yourself by trying to get back into exercise routines and pushing yourself before your body is ready. Pacing and rest appear to be the only things that reliably appear to prevent or alleviate conditions like along Covid, which can actually happen with any virus.
Furry friends says
My 3yo takes three of his stuffed animals EVERYWHERE. To school every day, to the grocery store, etc. He also carries them around the house during the day so that they’re never too far away.
I’ve talked with his teachers, and they aren’t concerned. They expect that he’ll grow out of it eventually.
The problem is that it’s increasingly annoying to deal with them. Partly because there are three, they are constantly getting dropped in dirt, spilled on at meals, etc etc, because it’s a lot for him to juggle. Tracking them down and cleaning them has started to feel like a part-time job.
Is there a way to strongly encourage him to cut back to one stuffed animal, or maybe none at all, without setting him up for a lifetime of therapy? Every time we suggest letting some portion of the crew stay at home, he freaks out.
anon says
Sadly, you gotta just ride it out I think. My daughter went through a month-long phase of needing to be within three feet of her “adventure backpack”. So, yeah, we sent two mini backpacks to Pre-K with her everyday for a month when she started school. Her teachers have seen it all. This all happened around the time we got a new nanny, moved to the suburbs, and had a second kid. So I just let it roll. Then she just kind of stopped needing it and it switched to some other random thing she needed all the time which was thankfully smaller. You could try some transference it becomes a real problem – like three stickers on a sheet of paper for each stuffy, or a heart drawn on her arm for each one and maybe putting the stuffies someplace special. We’ve had luck with that strategy.
Anonymous says
We had to make a rule that the special loveys did not leave the house because of the risk of their getting dirty/destroyed/lost. We just held the line and dealt with the complaints for the first couple of days, and then kiddo got on board with the need to keep them safe at home.
Anonymous says
+1 – my son’s lovey was some random animal (we can’t tell what it is supposed to be) won in a carnival game, and is 100% unreplaceable. So it only leaves the house when we are going on overnight trips.
Anon says
One thing that helped my daughter was setting up an activity for the animals to do while we were away. Like, they go to school while their mommy (my kid) works, so we set them up in a circle with a teacher etc.
I also think you can just say only one animal can go on excursions without inflicting lifelong trauma:)
OP says
The activity idea is so great, thank you!
Realist says
We did similar. Lots of home “flying lessons” happening for toys while we went out.
Anon says
+1. This was all my daughter’s idea, but one time she set up her favorite stuffed animal so that it was looking at a picture of her in case it missed her. (Cue: heart melting). You could suggest similar.
We are also just super consistent and harsh about not bringing stuffed animals on excursions because the stress if one gets lost is SO not worth it. But understood some kid’s levels of upset about this may be more extreme than ours.
Anon. says
Our compromise is that the object in question can come with but has to stay in the car. This includes rides to school, groceries whatever.
Anon says
We do this often too.
Pogo says
I do think it’s reasonable to cut back to 1. Can you ask him to pick who gets to go? Also I know school says it’s fine but school usually helps be the bad cop in these situations by saying they have a “rule” about only 1 stuffy or something, whatever I need the rule to be to help him haha. My kid listens to his teachers way more than he does to me so that is the best bet.
As far as not losing/forgetting the Special Items, we put my kid’s loveys in the same place every night and then as we go downstairs so it’s not a mad dash looking for them in the morning.
AnonM says
Our kids aren’t allowed to take them into daycare, so they now are in the habit of leaving them in their car seats. They get excited to see them at the end of the day at pick up and ask how they behaved haha.
Anon says
I feel like my just turned 4 year old has very extreme reactions to disappointment or frustration. For example, the other day we were driving home from school and she dropped a toy on the floor out of reach. She demanded I pull over so she could get it and when I said I was sorry she dropped her toy but I wasn’t going to do stop so close to home, she went ballistic, screaming, crying, kicking the seat and eventually trying to unbuckle herself from the carseat to get it (she stopped this last one under threat of timeout, at least). I feel like this is completely normal behavior for a 2 year old, but not so much for a 4 year old – am I wrong about that? I’ve read 1-2-3-Magic and How to Talk to Little Kids and I feel like we implement the techniques, but nothing seems to be improving.
Anon says
It’s normal for a 4-year-old (especially a tired one after school). Usually whatever happened is “the straw” and a backlog of pent up feelings gets released
Spirograph says
This
Anon says
Ha – I still have this. We lost our very elderly dog recently, and she was definitely the straw. I feel like her death released all the emotions of the last two/three years – I have cried daily since her death, and I feel like I start to cry for her, but end up crying for everything we’ve all gone through for the last few years. It’s so hard. If at all possible, try not to punish her for the emotions or tantrums, just let them roll off of you. I had to work really hard to get to a place where my kids’ tantrums don’t trigger my anxiety, which led to an anger response at them to try to control it. Since getting to this place, I’m far more able to just let them get through the tantrum without feeling like I need to control it, and I feel like my kids have far fewer tantrums.
Momofthree says
This is my 4 year old as well. He is so stubborn. He has unfortunately gotten in the habit of unbuckling himself in the car when he is upset. He also told my husband this morning he was going to make him dead after my husband said he needed to leave for school without packing a snack. I assume it’s a lack of control issue for the 4 year old.
EDAnon says
I would say this is normal for the same reasons.
Anon says
Is it new behavior? one of my kids did this consistently when she was going through a growth spurt. It was basically extreme hanger. The afternoon snack at our daycare was always really insubstantial (crackers or grapes), so by the time I got her after 5PM, she was starving. During growth spurts, in particular, her restraint collapse was impressively loud and irrational. I learned to have protein heavy snacks that I would literally hand to her the moment we walked out the door (beef jerky, sun butter cracker sandwiches, or even a straight up turkey sandwich). She is now 10, and still melts impressively when she doesn’t get enough protein in her diet.
Anonymous says
YES to growth spurts.
AwayEmily says
Baby is here! Born Friday afternoon and we came home on Saturday. Birth went well…induced at 40+2. Took 32 hours to go from 0cm to 5, then 1.5 hours to go from 5 to to baby in arms. VERY glad I advocated for an epidural the second I hit 5, even though they said I still had “plenty of time.” (My last baby followed the same pattern and I did not get the epidural in time). We are all adjusting well. Very thankful for my amazing mom and MIL, who tag teamed to watch the kids. 5yo is over the moon, 4yo is struggling…I suspect I’ll be back soon to seek advice on that front! I’m just so happy she is here and excited for everything that comes next.
NYCer says
Congratulations!
Spirograph says
Congratulations!
ElisaR says
Congratulations! Welcome baby!
Realist says
Congratulations!!! Welcome baby!
Boston Legal Eagle says
Congratulations AwayEmily!! Thrilled that everything went well (particularly the epidural!)
Clementine says
Congratulations!!
Mary Moo Cow says
Yay, congrats!
Cate says
Congrats AwayEmily! Can’t believe she’s already here – time has flown! Great news to start the week!
TheElms says
Yay!! Congratulations!
GCA says
Congratulations!!
So Anon says
Congratulations!!!!
Pogo says
awww congrats!!!
EDAnon says
Congratulations!
Anon says
Congratulations!!! :) :) :) :)
CCLA says
Congrats!! Always love seeing these updates :)
Anon says
What are you doing to maximize your time with out of town grandparents? My parents came to visit recently and I realize how old they are getting. Neither is ill, but both are aging – we’re talking 70s here. The knowledge that they won’t be around forever hit me hard. So, now I’m trying to think about what I can do to make the most our time together (given the constraints of living in different cities, full time work for me, kids getting older and therefore more involved in school/life). Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Anon says
We sent DD solo (4.5) to my parents house for a week each month last summer (it’s a 2 hour drive, so we drop her off one weekend and they bring her back the next). We’ll do the same for at least one week this summer (different schedule alignment). My parents are in their 60s, so still able to handle childcare at this point, and they loop in plenty of friends who are delighted to dote on DD. Plus we try to align the week with a local half-day camp. It’s great for building independence, we appreciate the break, and the grandparents appreciate the time with kiddo. My mom used to spend entire summers with her grandparents, so this is continuing that tradition (just on a much shorter scale).
We also do a family beach vacation for a week each summer, which is great for building intergenerational memories (and actually restful for us). We do not do this with my inlaws because it would be the opposite of fun, although DH sometimes talks about maybe doing a coastal Maine road trip with his Dad before he goes (TBD on that, likely not feasible for health reasons).
Mary Moo Cow says
Good question! I’m following because my parents are close to 70. They would like to do things like grandparent and kid camps that my kids aren’t old enough for yet and I worry that by the time my kids are old enough for that, my parents won’t have the energy for it.
For now, we try to go visit them once a year, and have them come visit us 3-4 times a year. When they are are, we take them to the kids’ school and favorite playgrounds. They make the effort to come to birthday parties and meet the kids’ friends. When we visit them, we strive for a balance of outings and chill at home time (not just to give everyone a rest, but so that parents see kids in two modes.)
My sister and I also try to get all the grandkids together with the grandparents once a year. On our list for next year is a college football game at my parents’ Big 10 alma mater: I know that taking all the grandkids to a game would mean so much to them. We also do professional family photos with everyone every few years. We’ve done a whole family vacation, but it wasn’t great for everyone.
Spirograph says
Aside from phone calls and sending mail back and forth, we do shared vacations. Partly because I really dislike hosting people in my small house and my family culture is such that my parents really expect to stay with us, so it’s much easier to invite them to an air bnb when I’m away from the daily grind. We’re going on a cruise later this year and invited all the grandparents on both sides. Cruises are perfect multi-generation vacations, IMO. Plenty of opportunity for people to do things together or separately as the spirit moves them.
My kids also stay with my mom individually for a week each in the summer, but she’s the only one who’s really up for that intensity. The rest of them only have the stamina/patience for a few hours at a time.
Anon says
My parents are local now but before they moved here they visited us a lot, we visited them occasionally and kiddo and I would do vacations with my mom. Definitely would send an older kid to them for “camp grandparents.” I make an annual photo book for each year of my kid’s life and give a copy to my parents as my mom’s birthday present. It is not cheap but the real gift is the labor involved in doing it. We included my parents in professional photos one year but it did not go well so I doubt we’ll do that again.
I second that cruises are good for multigenerational travel. All inclusive resorts too. Both remove the decision making about meals, give people a good variety of activities to do separately or together, provide low key kid friendly stuff like pools and kids clubs and let people have separate rooms that are close by.
Anonymous says
I do the annual photo book, too. It is a labor of love, for sure.
blueberries says
Out of town relatives FaceTiming with the kids has been key to building strong relationships that can pick up immediately upon arrival in town. The adults have to be willing to roll with what the kids want to do, which often involves being on a toy being rolled around the house, playing whatever is interesting to the kids right now, and being cool with also being left to the side for a bit.
Cb says
My parents moved closer over the summer – a 3 hour flight versus a 16 hour transatlantic and I’ve been thinking about this lately. We’ve been keeping an eye in ticket prices and asking them to come and help when we could use an extra adult. I’m also hoping (but not sure how this works across international borders) that when we have to work at half term, they could come get kiddo, take him to theirs and we could come for a long weekend and collect him. Their set up is pretty kid friendly, rural, with amazing play parks nearby, gorgeous beaches, so hoping for grandparent summer camps. My kid won’t speak the local language but hopefully he’ll pick up a bit over time, and probably doesn’t need loads to play soccer at the park?
My father in law moved to Canada when we got married and he doesn’t prioritise us so we don’t tend to prioritise him? He came to visit and saw my son for 45 minutes at a hotel bar…after cancelling a visit because it was too rainy.
Momofthree says
Family vacations x1000. I basically don’t plan vacations now without at least one of the grandparents coming along (we’ve got divorced parents on both sides, so we’re always having to trade vacations). It’s a great chance for the kids to bond with the grandparents, have a certain level of novelty built in since they’re in a new place and no one has to be overwhelmed by kids since there is a good kid to adult ratio. It’s also nice to go on a trip and have some time for yourself/ time with your husband.
We also have a situation where most of the grandparents are local and one of them is not. He often feels like he has to do something “special” if he’s coming to visit us since he sees them much less frequently. I try to make it clear to him that the kids will like him whether he does something memorable or not- they just like spending time with him. I do let him do things that I may not let the other grandparents do (like buy doughnuts) to make it seem more special, but he does worry that he’s not doing enough (in case the out of town parents feel similar)
We’ve also included various grandparents in professional photos and while each individual grandparent enjoys it, they are also jealous when one of the other ones is included and they’re not, so something to be aware of.
Anon says
This might sound boring, but they visit and stay with us when they can. Neither my parents nor my in-laws aren up for solo childcare, so we all hang out together. We usually cook dinner, etc, while the kids run around and play with or near the grandparents. They like being able to play and then take a break. We did get a beach house this past summer with my parents and may do it this coming summer with my in-laws, but it’s really the same situation where we do everything while they hang out.
Anon says
Not saying this is an option for many, but we moved states in large part to be closer to family. It has been life-giving. My mom is (knock on wood) a “young” 71 and can handle our kids, plus we just all (me, DH, my Mom, my sibling, our kids) spend a lot of time together. Currently my FIL (DH’s parents divorced when he was a kid) is living with us for a chunk of time, TBD and it’s been awesome.
Anon says
Or get your parents to move. ;) My husband is a college professor so we didn’t really have a lot of say in where we moved for his permanent job, although we hoped to get as close to my parents as possible and were lucky to end up only two states away. That was pre-kid. Then when my daughter was 3 years old my parents moved to our city. They have an apartment 1.5 miles from our house. My mom turned 70 today (!) but is also super active and energetic and loves to take my kid for overnights and long playdates and will stay with her in our house when we want to go out of town alone. My dad is a more typical early 70-something and has a lot less energy (and also less enthusiasm for childcare), but is a very loving grandfather and will play with and read to my kid in more limited quantities. In addition to all the time my kid spends at their place we all spend a lot of time together (they come to our house for dinner most nights) and they’re almost a third and fourth parent to DD at this point. I hope to do the same thing for my kid one day if she has kids and wants my help.
anonamommy says
Googling other parents – is this a thing you do before playdates?
Anonymous says
What’s the purpose? Are you trying to find out whether they have criminal records? If so, don’t trust what you find on line. What’s there is scraped from various sources and matched to people in an unreliable way, so some offenses will be missing and others falsely attributed.
Spirograph says
Before playdates? no. After they send an email to the class distro that makes me roll my eyes, absolutely.
ElisaR says
haha yes
Anon says
+1
Cb says
Ha, absolutely, say something absurd on the WhatsApp group… I think people are harder to track down now that no one uses Facebook. I’ve got enough of an internet profile as I’m an academic / do a lot of media but so many people don’t.
anon says
Only if I’m curious / otherwise bored and feeling nosey. Not to investigate whether they are criminals.
Anonymous says
+1. If they’re attorneys, I see if they have a public bio because I’m curious (I’m also an attorney).
Anon says
I always google the parents of my kids classmates – I’m curious! And a lot of them are super impressive!
The mom of one of her current classmates was a winter olympian. She doesn’t know I know that, oops.
Anonymous says
This is why I don’t google people. I don’t want to accidentally come across as a creepy stalker.
Anon says
Yea there’s no way I could not accidentally out myself as a stalker. I actually used to look at the Twitter page of one of my kid’s classmates moms before I knew who she was, but I had to stop doing that when I realized she was “___’s mom” because I was too worried I would accidentally reference something she posted on Twitter.
Earlier poster says
Ha, I know. I’ve tried to casually get her to admit the fact so I can ask her about it but no luck so far :)
Really like her though! And the other parents! I actually started googling to try to figure out how many working moms the class had.
Anonymous says
That is so cool!
NYCer says
+1. I am nosey, what can I say. ;)
Anon says
We unknowingly enrolled my oldest in the bougiest preschool in town when we first moved here (it’s the closest to our very average-sized house and worked with our schedule). Turns out her classmates are the children of actual billionaires, C-suite execs of nationally known firms, and former reality TV stars. I have to admit I had a field day with the class directory. I barely see the other parents, though, so no worries about outing myself as an internet stalker. :)
Cb says
Ha, we totally google stalked my son’s bestie because we were so confused by his parents’ situation. Dad is a fancy restauranteur / Bitcoin millionaire. They aren’t together but live in neighbouring houses.
Melly says
I look them up on Facebook/LinkedIn because we often have connections that make it easier to start up a conversation.
EDAnon says
Sometimes I check LinkedIn (my only social media), but usually, I want until they’ve told me their jobs. My kids school is filled with doctors and other medical professionals due to it’s location, so it also ends up being boring (“Oh you’re a doctor? What kind?” is something i say a lot!). Obviously, that’s not boring to everyone, but I am not a doctor. I have a few doctor friends, but I am sure doctors don’t care about the other doctors I know.
Allie says
Absolutely. I’m nosy but discrete.
Nugget vs pickler triangle says
My oldest turns 5 this month. I’m thinking about getting him a nugget or a pickler triangle. My question: will either of these prevent him from using my couch as a launch pad/pommel horse? I also have one year old twins so if either of these would be useful for them, that would be nice to know. TIA.
Anon says
Nope! I’d lean Nugget, but add a crash pad or second Nugget because older kids are boisterous…and expect your couch to be taken apart even still lol. If I had space I would get two Nuggets, hands down.
I also got a Pikler triangle for my 10-month-old for Christmas and we love it…IMO it’s more useful for skill building for babies and toddlers, but older brothers still climb up and jump off on occasion
Realist says
We got a nugget and recently got a second one because the first was such a hit. I do shout this once or twice a wee, though: “You can’t jump on the living room chair! Go play on the nugget if you want to play on furniture!” So the nugget helps but there are still reminders needed.
We don’t have a pikler triangle, but it is hard for me to imagine that it would get as much use as the nugget.
This weekend DH built some elevated treehouse looking setup with the 2 nuggets and kid loved it. I think DH actually found the build idea on Pinterest and it was really cool.
Anon says
Don’t get a Pickler triangle. We got one for my then just turned 2 year old at the start of quarantine. She is not terribly athletic but figured out how to climb it to the top and cross over and come down the other way within a couple months and since then has had basically no interest in it. I can’t imagine any 5 year old being excited about it from a climbing standpoint and I don’t think it facilitates imaginative play the way the nugget does.
Anonymous says
Nugget…but my almost 5yo, who is admittedly always 95% height, is getting big for it. The 2.5yo is still a great size for it. Pikler triangle is more for babies/toddler IMO. Maybe get 2 nuggets? We do love it and it was a lifesaver last year and we still set up slides/tunnels with it a few times a week. I like that it gets out energy and keeps them active during bad weather days and after dinner when it’s dark. We are getting an outdoor swing set this year.
Anon says
If anything, the nugget facilitates more couch climbing in our house. But that thing gets a lot of usage.
Couch recommendations says
Any recommendations on sectionals that hold up well to kids and pets? We purchased one from Wayfair a few years ago that works great in our space but has seen better days. Looking to replace it and can spend a few thousand dollars, but I’m overwhelmed by the options. Has anyone found anything they love and that’s durable?
Anonymous says
Are you a postern in New England? We got a mid grade sectional from Jordan’s furniture in 2012 and it will.not.die.
Which is too bad bc it doesn’t fit anywhere anymore.
Anonymous says
I miss Jordan’s since we moved away.
Anon says
Ugh yes Jordan’s furniture is so good. Top 5 things I miss about Boston.
Pogo says
Haha was going to say this. We have so much furniture from Jordan’s, it’s the best.
The brand we have for our sectional is Jonathan Louis which can be purchased through other distributors, though. I would highly recommend it.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Ikea KIVIK. You can change/wash the covers. I’ve bled on it pp, babies have spit up on it, we’ve spilled on it, even dogs have thrown up on it, and the covers wash well. We moved halfway around the country with it. We plan to upgrade to a nicer sectional at some point, but right now this one has had huge bang for buck.
Scilady says
We got a leather one from Costco in 2017 and it’s fabulous – Abbyson living. It was modeled on a Bassett sectional with chaise that we wanted but was $$$$ and was half the price or so. 5 years later with 2 kids + visiting dogs and it looks great. Super comfortable (multiple people have fallen asleep on it/ slept on it by choice). We will keep it FOREVER.
Anon says
I have the York from Room and Board. The cushions eventually needed restuffing but the fabric still looks brand new despite unspeakable things happening to it.
TheElms says
We have a Room and Board sectional. I think its the Cade in one of the fabrics that looks like a microfiber that they listed as kid and pet friendly. It is in our family room and holding up really well after 2 years of a newborn/toddler, medium dog, and cat. The hair vacuums off really easily and spills have all wiped clean. Toddler runs and jumps all over it, as does the dog, and we eat on it (though I try to limit it to dry snacks/water).
Mary Moo Cow says
Ours is the Alexander from Bassett, upholstered in a nubby cotton/performance blend. Our decorator recommended Bassett because they are good quality for the price: not cheap, but it should last 10 years. It had been so long since I bought real furniture that when I learned the price, I was like, it better last 10 years for that! Then DS showed me the cloud sofa she wants and I came around to the Bassett price.
Allie says
Apt2b
Anonymous says
We bought a small sectional from Room and Board (the Metro line) right before my daughter was born in 2018. It has held up extremely well to a toddler and 2 cats so far. It honestly looks pretty much new even though it has been used way more than I thought it would be thanks to the pandemic and staying home so much the past 2 years.
EDAnon says
One of my best mom friends told me she’s leaving the workforce. I am happy for her to do what’s right for her family. It makes me sad, though, to lose someone I could talk to about all of THIS. I am glad this community exists.
Anon says
I’m sorry. I totally feel this. My working mom friends are dropping like flies.
Anonymous says
I am not sure where you are in life/career, but try and keep in loose touch with work friends when they leave. You never know if you’ll run across a little project they might like, or maybe they meet someone they can introduce you to later on in life.
My kids are all in elem now and between my former colleagues (I went the independent consulting route) and in town friends and neighbors, I have a VERY strong network. My kids’ babysitter’s dad (who I now know well) is a CEO in my industry. My daughter’s soccer coach is a CTO that has connected people I know with great roles through me. A woman I met through the PTO is a VP level recruiter in my field.
I was up for contract work at a local tech firm and when I got to the final round, it turns out the CEO and his wife live a few blocks over from me. It was mid-COVID so instead of zooming we met up locally and went for an outdoor walk. He ended up bringing me on as a part time strategic advisor for a full year- totally different than the engagement I’d reached out about. While there I helped the company acquire a new firm and land a major new client.
Anon says
Sorry if I was unclear. These people are not my colleagues or even in my industry. They are mom friends I had who used to work full time and now stay home. I’m still friends with them but it’s hard losing people who can commiserate about working mom life.
Anonymous says
Ah, sorry. Thought it was a colleague.
In any event, it is likely just a season. most of my friends now work in some capacity but many were SAH for a few years.
anon says
I’m sorry. Working motherhood can feel really lonely at times. My kids are 12 and 7, and it often feels like I’m the only mom who works full-time. Everybody else is very part-time or still doing the SAHM thing.
Anon says
This is happening to me, too and it makes me really sad. I’m thrilled for my friend, because it truly seems to be the right move for her and family, but selfishly sad that my working mom friends are dropping like flies. It’s tough. You’re not alone.
Anne-on says
I get it, it’s tough. I have 2 working mom mentors and frankly we’re all too busy/tired to hang out much but they are clutch for the ‘omg am I messing my kid up for life?’ freakouts and talking logistics of 2 working parent households without unlimited money. I’ll confess to fangirling out over professional women I meet with older kid who worked straight through – like omg, how?!?, tell me your secrets, teach me your ways!!
Sf says
Looking for something to send to my friend who just had a second baby. She lives in the dc area and had 2 under 2. Second c-section. She’s well taken care of- grandparents, meals delivered, massages scheduled, etc. what would you send? I’m across the country.
Anon says
Someone sent me an entire cake from momofuku milk bar. it was amazing. I think edible treats is nice?
Mary Moo Cow says
I would send her a personal card now and something in about a month or so, when all the novelty has worn off and the support has ebbed. Flowers, a Jeni’s ice cream delivery, some really nice hand lotion, a great book: something that is for her and feels celebratory but also indulgent, since it is consumable and just for her. You could also include some diapers and a book or toy for the older sibling. I appreciated people checking in when I was more rested than with a brand-newborn and DH had gone back to work and I was feeling a bit bereft.
Walnut says
Starbucks gift card.
Anonymous says
Each Peach is a local DC market that makes awesome gift baskets- they used to have one specifically for new parents, not sure if they do now, but I’m sure they could make you one like that.
anonforthis says
Not sure what I’m looking for other than commiseration. After a traumatic post partum period (including an unexpected surgery under GA at 5 weeks postpartum), I feel like I’m seeing clearly for the very first time, in my late thirties, that my mom just truly lacks empathy or the ability to be there for me, and is a narcissist. She is masterful at playing the guilt card, playing the blame game, is constantly martyring herself and jealous of the energy I put into friends and in laws, etc. She lives 5 minutes away and was not supportive at all during my maternity leave. She practically raised my niece but hasn’t watched my son for one single day since he was born (but is offended if I go visit my in laws with him). I don’t feel like cutting her off is an option but I’m also done with metered visits that are followed up with a nasty email or text because I don’t see her enough. What do you all with unsupportive local family do? I can’t help but feel jealous of friends whose parents are emotionally supportive and help out with the baby all the time. I could even do without the help if I didn’t feel like I was just an emotional punching bag for her. I work full time in biglaw and it’s just taking up so much real estate in my head.
Momofthree says
I know this is the end of the day, so you may not read this- I’d ask again tomorrow morning.
You’re a new mom and going through a ton- if it’s not helpful to have your mom around a ton right now, then don’t reach out.
If you go to your in-laws and she complains, I’d be up front and say why you go to the in-laws. For me, it was that, every weekend we’d have lunch with the in-laws. It was planned & we do it. Or it could be that FIL rocks him to sleep so I can get a break, which I need right now. Then she might try to turn it back on herself & then you say, “I need x right now. If you can do x, then we’d be glad to see you.” It may not go over well.
There’s a lot here & it might be helpful to talk to someone in a therapy setting. I’ve got at least 1 narcissist among the 4 grandparents, and it’s taken me a lot of time and therapy to get where I am. All you can do is decide what works for you and set boundaries accordingly. You can’t control what your mom does or says. You set the boundary and then she decides whether that works for her or not. It’s very easy to say and hard to execute.
It’s hard to know that one of the people you thought you could count on for care and support isn’t available. I’ve had this happen multiple times since having kids. One thing to keep in mind though- the involvement of local parents comes and goes. I’ve had times where one grandparent been super involved and a huge support to where they are unavailable/ we don’t see them for months at a time. Even if it feels like your mom won’t be involved now, it won’t always be that way.
Sending you good thoughts!
Anon says
Wow. This happened – almost verbatim – to DH last year with his Mom/my MIL, when I was reeling from the death of a parent AND postpartum AND DH and I were going through a really tough time in our marriage. She isn’t local but was staying with us to “help” for 3 months. And he works in BigLaw. Her presence was straight poisonous
DH set boundaries and got into therapy to unpack her behavior, his childhood, etc. They still talk regularly but he doesn’t share anything beyond “checklist” items – kids are great, this is what we’re doing this weekend, what are we watching on TV, etc. Nothing to deep. We hosted for Xmas and she stayed with us for a week and we kept it light which was easy enough to do with other family around.
Gently, your Mom is likely sad, lonely, and likely had 0 modeling of how to give empathy in her own life. You can’t change her, but you can tell her what you need from her/how you’re feeling if that may help you — but don’t be surprised if she makes it about herself (my MIL did). Find strength and support from therapy and other loved ones. And, BOUNDARIES with your Mom for the foreseeable future for your own sanity.
Anon says
I have an unsupportive local MIL. I cut off DH’s mom about 6 months ago after about a year of increasingly nasty comments (we’ve been married for 7 years, it is increasingly bad behavior, IMHO tied to depression, alzheimers or both, but she refuses to speak to a doctor and is too manipulative for FIL or DH to raise concerns either, not my circus, not my monkeys). I do not communicate with her and she is no longer welcome in our home (with DH’s full support). FIL comes by our house maybe once every other week to see DD (4.5) and DH (and escape MIL for a few hours). DH sees FIL and MIL together (at their house or at a restaurant, sometimes with DD and sometimes not, but DD is not allowed unsupervised visits lest MIL start up with the nasty comments about me again) about once a month or every other month. DH thinks (and I agree) that restaurants are better because there is a defined end point when you’re ready to leave and the constant interruptions from wait staff make it easy to switch topics when she starts getting nasty. My mother asked me about it last weekend and I basically told her I have too much going on in my life (healthwise, lifewise, workwise) to add one completely unnecessary stress in, I am still mad about the things she said, and since I cut off contact with her, life has been so much less stressful. As sad as it sounds, I don’t need that negativity in my life right now. Also she hasn’t apologized. Which wouldn’t change anything because I know she wouldn’t mean it. But she could have at least tried.