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Kid/Family Sales
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Cb says
Weekend wins?
We went to swim lessons for the first time since my 4 year old was about 5 months old and he LOVED it! I was nervous as we had to drop him off in the changing room and wait outside the building (big high school pool). He was paddling in the Atlantic last week but hasn’t been in a swimming pool in a very long time.But he came out beaming, I peaked in the window and he was jumping in the pool holding the teacher’s hands. The teachers are all 20-something guys which I think probably ups the cool factor.
We then went to brunch on the beach.
DonutDay says
Other end of the spectrum…we paid our 12 year old to bag leaves in the parking lot of the building we own…he worked on his own for 2 and a half hours in 30 degree weather and was proud of himself. Win for us: leaves are up. Win as parent: value of work. Every now and again you get one.
avocado says
Brunch on the beach sounds lovely!
My teenager got boosted and I managed to get the Christmas lights down between snow/rain storms. Neither of those things is as fun as your weekend, but at this point I’ll take whatever I can get.
Cb says
It was 6 Celcius so chilly but still lovely!
Boston Legal Eagle says
My 5 year old was extremely helpful on Sunday morning by getting dressed and teeth brushed very quickly, and then helped us take down our Christmas decorations (don’t worry, there was still a major characteristic evening meltdown later that day). The kids also got to go sledding and make a snowman yesterday – snow is mostly melted here today.
TheElms says
On Friday night, my 2 1/2 year old thanked me for making dinner? It was completely unprompted and as far as I know no one has been teaching her to do that. (Keeping it real, she of course refused to eat any of the dinner but she is only 2 1/2!)
Anonymous says
Oh! I don’t know if this is a weekend win exactly but my 3 y/o was sent home for a COVID exposure on Weds. preschool has been closed since then.
The entire class (except for the girl that had it to begin with) all tested negative this AM and school is back open tomorrow! Wooo! There was a snow day on Friday so we really only missed 2 days.
Pogo says
YES! This is the best case scenario.
Anon says
My daughter’s bestie is back from vacation (3 weeks overseas) and, after his negative covid test after all that travel, she played at his house for 4 hours yesterday while I was able to take down our tree and get all of the ornaments and decorations (other than outdoor lights) put away and needles vacuumed up without a “helper”. She was a complete mess last night and this morning from being so exhausted, but on balance it’s a win.
anne-on says
We had actual snow for our Friday snow day and kiddo spent a few hours happily playing outside with neighbors, AND he got to ski Saturday which meant I was able to get all the christmas decorations down and sorted! I meal planned and prepped for the week which means that I’m in a much better mood/work situation compared to last week’s covid exposure and two snow days….
SC says
On a play date with his younger cousin, my 6 year old got a little rough with his cousin. I took my Kiddo outside for a break, we sat on the steps, he took some deep breaths, and we had a talk. I gave him the choice to play more flexibly or put the toy they were playing with away. He chose to play more flexibly. We walked back inside, he apologized, his cousin forgave him. And Kiddo said happily, “I have an idea of something we can build together.” Then they played together nicely for another 5-10 minutes, until one or both of them was ready to move on. That’s a HUGE win for him. The playing rough part isn’t ideal, but this may be the first time he’s ever been able to calm down and start playing again on a play date, without things just continuing to escalate.
Anonymous says
I made kiddo, DH, and myself chore charts yesterday as an incentive to get kiddo and DH to pick up after themselves a bit more. Kiddo is newly 6 and beyond excited. She decided that she’d like to pick a new reward as she earns them and then DH and I can tell her how many stars it’ll be worth. Right now she is working towards 50 stars for a new Barbie. Should take about two weeks. Her daily chores include tidying (putting her stuff away) in the main living area, using the hand vacuum underthe table, and feeding the cat. Other chores throughout the week include tidying the playroom, tyidying her bedroom, and cleaning her bathroom counter.
EP-er says
We started cleaning the upstairs all at the same time on Saturdays. We all clean our bedrooms at the same time: change sheets, tidy, dust, vacuum. Kids take turn vacuuming the landing & stairs. Husband & I each take a bathroom, but we want to get the kids into the action soon. It is amazing — rooms are cleaner and so we don’t have the big clean up when things get out of hand. And it really only takes us about 30 minutes! Kids do get independent eventually! :)
Pogo says
Our 16mo took his first steps! Outwardly I was not worried but at his last checkup the ped did mention if we hadn’t seen anything by 18mo he’d probably need EI. Mostly I was in denial because I didn’t want to deal with the scheduling nightmare of OT/PT and $$ (the podiatrist thought he might need orthotics if his feet didn’t self-correct upon walking). ANYHOO he’s walking now and both my older son & I were right there. Such a sweet moment.
anon says
Amazing! happy for all three of you!
Boston Legal Eagle says
What are your daycares’ current policies on exclusions due to positive Covid cases? I’ve read here that some places shut down for 14 days every time there is a positive case, which seems crazy to me. Ours currently is that if there is a positive case in the class, everyone is sent home for at least 7 days – you can return after 7 days if you have a negative test result on the 5th day, or you can wait 10 days and then return without any testing. The policies are different than in elementary schools around here, which is likely due to the vaccinated/unvaccinated aspect…. but also small kids are not exactly the same as unvaccinated adults.
anon says
Our policies are very unclear, at best. They shut down this whole week (whole center) because a (masked) teacher in one room tested positive, after previously just closing that one class for less than a week based on a teacher positive. We also aren’t required to test, but I’m not as annoyed by that now that tests are hard to find in my area.
EDAnon says
Our whole center is also closed due to a masked teacher (or two) testing positive and everyone “likely” exposed. I am not uoset they closed as much as I am that the contact racing was so light.
We are required to test.
We have never had a whole classroom (for more than a day or two) or the center close before this.
Anonymous says
In MA it’s the following (literally happened to us last week):
This is at a preschool of 3-4-5 year olds who mask indoors except for lunch when they are spaced out in a gym. All staff is vaxxed and boosted. 90% of the kids are too young to be vaxxed so if the exposure is in-class then they quarantine the class (a 5 year old that is exposed won’t have a class to come to but doesn’t have to quarantine per the board of health).
Positive for COVID-19
Everyone, regardless of vaccination status must do the following:
· Isolate and stay home for 5 days
· If children and staff are asymptomatic or symptoms are completely resolved after 5 days, children and staff can return to school, after proof of a negative COVID test. If you are unable to get a PCR or Rapid test from a doctor or test center, a home test will be accepted with proof of test date and negative result.
· Children and staff must participate in strict mask policies for an additional 5 days.
Exposure to someone with COVID-19 (quarantine)
If you have been boosted OR completed the primary Pfizer or Moderna vaccine within the last 6 months OR completed the primary series of Johnson and Johnson vaccine within the past two months:
· Children and staff may come to work if they are asymptomatic.
· Test on day 5.
· Wear a mask around others for 10 days.
· If you develop symptoms stay home and test.
If you have completed the primary Pfizer or Moderna vaccine over 6 months ago and are not boosted OR completed the primary series of Johnson and Johnson vaccine over past two months and are not boosted OR are unvaccinated:
· Stay home for 5 days.
· Test on day 5.
· Wear a mask for the additional five days.
· If you develop symptoms stay home and test.
TheElms says
Our preschool just changed to follow the new CDC guidance. The only caveats are that since its 2-5 year olds for the parts of the guidance that allow for masking rather than isolation, the teachers can send a child home to complete the full quarantine/isolation period if they can’t wear a mask well at school. I’m not exactly sure how that will be enforced and doesn’t make a ton of sense since the kids still eat snack at preschool (no naps though because its not a full day program). They also want the kids in KN95 or equivalent masks if possible. My kid is happy to wear a mask but it often slips below her nose. We are trying more different masks to fix this now because of omicron, but so far no luck.
The other caveat is that our Board of Health continues to require a negative PCR for exposure to return so I don’t know exactly how that will work with the new CDC guidance.
Overall I’m happy with the precautions and in 2 years of Covid there have been no in school transmissions of Covid, and they’ve done really well at keeping the school open with minimal closures of the classes. So they must be doing something right. I don’t expect they can keep that streak going with Omicron, but it does give me confidence that the basic procedures are good.
Anonymous says
For us, it depends on the age. If <2, the child has to stay home for a full 10 days and can only return with proof of negative test. Kids who can wear masks only have to stay home 5 days and must have a negative test to return. If the child tests positive, then the clock starts over – 10 days + negative test for a kid who can’t mask. Not sure on the policy for a kid with a positive test who can mask.
Anonymous says
Starting the clock over is crazy. After 10 days from the initial positive test, a negative test should be enough to return.
Anonymous says
I meant if a contact in the class tests positive, the contact’s individual clock starts over, so the contact would isolate for 10 days after their own positive. 10 days of quarantine (or quarantine until a positive test, in which case you get 10 days of isolation, or 10 days + however long it takes to get a negative test).
Forgot to mention that kids with positive household members also can’t be in the school, even if they’ve already finished their isolation period.
My kid <2 was a contact last week, started symptoms over the weekend, but rapid tests have so far been negative. We have a pcr scheduled for this afternoon, but now I have a sore throat, so we’re looking at close to 3 weeks of no childcare if one of us tests positive (and longer if DH starts getting symptoms).
Anonymous says
I really hope that’s a rapid antigen test, because PCR tests can stay positive for a loooong time.
Anonymous says
Lol, up until now, PCR has been required for kids <2 because rapid tests aren’t authorized for that age group. The school is in the process of talking to the health dept about that. We don’t have to pay tuition for time spent quarantining/isolating because of exposure in the school, so I’m sure the school wants a better way of knowing whether it’s safe for kiddos to come back.
Anon says
Ours shuts down the class for 14 days every time someone tests positive, even if it’s a staff member who was masked 100% of the time (kids are also masked but have them off to eat and sleep so there’s more exposure there). Half the kids in the class (though not mine) are 5 and fully vaccinated. It’s exhausting and I can’t believe we have another 1.5 years of this. We’re in the middle of our second 14 day closure since Thanksgiving. My kid is going insane and work is totally fed up with me.
Anonymous says
I posted above. Fwiw, in my kid’s case, it was the masked teacher who’s the reason the class shut down, and now my kid has symptoms.
Anon says
That sucks, I’m sorry. All the exposures at our school have been staff and none (about a dozen total) have resulted in any in-school transmission. I think it depends on a lot of factors and some people just spread the virus better than others.
Anonymous says
Our school didn’t have any in-school transmission until last week.
Anonymous says
Omicron is a whole different ballgame. There will be in-school transmission among vaccinated staff/students. It just hasn’t shown up yet because of the holidays and school closures. Buckle up, folks.
Anon says
The studies actually suggest Omicron isn’t inherently more infectious than Delta, just way better at evading immunity in vaccinated or recovered people so it will spread through a highly vaccinated (or previously infected) population much faster than other variants but there’s no reason to think masks and other NPIs won’t work as well as they did against Delta.
Anonymous says
Have you seen the way people wear masks in real life? Our school is always posting photos on social media. Not one of those kids is in a properly fitted mask worn over the nose.
Anon says
I’m the Anon at 10:08 and 10:34 and I agree there’s a big difference in kid vs adult masking – that was actually the point I was making in my original post. All the exposures at our daycare center have been staff members, who wear properly fitting high-quality masks. (Plenty of kids have tested positive, but they weren’t the first ones in their household to do so, so they were already at home and didn’t expose others.)
FVNC says
I think this is our daycare’s policy, too. We had a two week classroom closure in Dec, followed by a couple days closed for snow, and after a full week back, we got notice yesterday that the entire center is closed for a full two weeks because of staffing shortages caused by staff who have tested positive. All staff are vaccinated and boosted. Before this, we had only one closure in 18 months. So, Omicron does appear to be a game-changer in terms of in-school transmission. Good luck to us all.
Anon says
We follow guidance from the local health department, which currently track with the CDC recommendations.
Anon says
In CT with my 5-month old son at a center. First day back since center closed last week due to many positive cases having been called in the week before and during the holidays, so it appeared they were thinking maybe they could get ahead of the post-holiday surge (not feeling confident that this will have worked, but we will see.
My son is in a pod with 7 other babies and 2 workers. If the pod has a positive case, any close contact is notified and has to stay home for 10 days. Rest of the pods in the daycare remain open.
I was anxious to send him with everything going on, but he was already home last week and part of the previous week with a stomach virus (tested negative for covid 2x), which he gave to me and DH, so we need to get things back on track at home and at work. Nervously anticipating getting what feels like an inevitable call in the next couple weeks about closures/close contact quarantining.
NYCer says
Our preschool is the same as OP – if there is a positive case in the class, the other kids are considered close contacts and sent home for at least 7 days. You can return after 7 days if you have a negative test result on the 5th day, or you can wait 10 days and then return without any testing. This is mandated by the NYC Department of Health apparently.
AIMS says
Check with your school if that will be updated. I’m in NYC too and we just went to a “can come back on day 6 with a negative test (any kind) from day 5” protocol.
NYCer says
This is just 2-5 year olds at a preschool though. So everyone is unvaccinated (except some of the kids in the oldest class).
At your school, does the new policy apply to unvaccinated kids too? Our preschool just sent out a reminder about the policy today, so they don’t seem to have adopted it if it applies to unvaccinated kids too….
NYCer says
I would be happy if they can come back on day 6 with a test to be honest!
AIMS says
Yep, this is for my unvaccinated 3 year old in a DOE 3-K program. Just announced after checking with DOE (along with his quarantine).
Rawr says
14 day shutdown, even with the CDC changes. Apparently this is based on the county guidelines. It’s exhausting and frustrating.
Meanwhile, I’m at work with people who tested positive 5 days ago, have never re-tested, and aren’t even reliably wearing a mask.
Who is more likely to have COVID? A kid who was exposed 7 days ago and tested negative? Or a coworker who is vaccinated but who we literally know has covid?
I’m over it.
J says
In SoCal. Similar – following CDC guidance. My kids are old enough to mask, but not old enough to vax. Nothing in their room as yet, but younger, non-masking rooms have had exposure and closed for 7 days with a negative and 10 days with no testing. Our center also just started requiring non-cloth masks (so surgical or KN95 type) this week for both teachers and kids.
Anonymous says
Can anyone explain gift tax rules for a 529? I currently have one account with 20k for one child but I plan on having more children and also want to substantially contribute in the early years. I am currently the beneficiary of the account. If I switch the beneficiary to my child, does it count as them being gifted the 20k? Should I use the superfund option and add up to 50k to the account, then change beneficiary status to child? Any idea if you can use the superfund option more than once in 5 years as long as you don’t exceed 14k per year?
CPA Lady says
I do a ton of gift tax returns.
1. Yes, if you change the beneficiary to your child, it counts as a gift.
2. The current annual exclusion amount is $15,000. Both you and your spouse (if you have one) can gift $15,000 per child. So you can gift a combined $30,000 per child, per year. If I were you, I’d go ahead and set up an account for each child. You can always roll remaining money over later if kid 1 doesn’t end up using the money (it’s not a new gift if you are rolling it over into a sibling’s account).
3. Just because you gift more than $15,000 per child per year doesn’t mean you have to pay tax. It just means you use up a bit of your combined gift/estate exemption amount. This doesn’t matter for the vast majority of people right now. You will need to file a gift tax return. Please don’t DIY this.
4. If you choose to superfund the existing 529 plan by adding an additional $55,000 to get to the max of $75,000, you will need to file a gift tax return to make the election to treat the gift as though it is happening over five years. Once you have done this, you will not need to file gift tax returns over the next four years unless you make additional gifts. If you have a spouse, he or she can also superfund the 529 plan and add $75,000 and do the same.
Anonymous says
So theoretically, if you pay $70K/year for your kid’s college education, part of that counts towards the lifetime exemption and you have to file a gift tax return? At the same time as the federal government and colleges consider it the responsibility of parents to pay their children’s exorbitant tuition bills? This is nuts.
anon says
Tuition and medical expenses paid to the university/hospital aren’t typically taxable gifts.
https://www.irs.gov/businesses/small-businesses-self-employed/frequently-asked-questions-on-gift-taxes
NYCer says
All good info, but just adding that the annual exclusion increased to $16,000 per donee in 2022 (the exemption is indexed for inflation), so you and your spouse could give $32,000 to each child free of gift tax this year.
OP says
Thank you CPA Lady! I take all your points and I think my next steps are to make the 529 a joint account for myself and my husband. We won’t exceed 30k a year then so we won’t have this concern and either way I should just set up another 529 for the next kid and then we really won’t have to worry about going above 30k per kid per year. Thank you thank you!
anon says
529 accounts cannot be set up in joint name
MNF says
Gift tax annual exclusion increased to $16k for 2022.
Anoner says
Good morning. I’m looking for advice from those who have had an unexpected #3. Found out Friday I’m pregnant, my kids are almost 5 and 2.5. I’m freaking out a bit, I used to want 3 then definitely thought we would stop at 2 and obviously the pandemic made it worse. I’m spiraling a bit thinking of all the stuff we have to buy/get after giving it all away, getting a new car (3rd row suv? Minivan?), childcare, moving (we are city dwellers), education/college costs, etc etc. At the same time kind of excited/thrilled. Ugh. I know there has been threads like this but please someone make me feel ok? Thank you!
AwayEmily says
I wrote almost this exact post seven months ago (my kids were 5 and 3, and we were trying but with the expectation it wouldn’t happen). I got the MOST amazing responses (I wish I could find the thread again) but one of the best ones was just to give it time. And that really, really helped. As time went by my fear receded (though of course it’s still there to some degree) and my excitement grew. Now I’m less than a month away (!!!) and so, so amped for this baby. I know it’s going to be tough but also amazing. Also, we still haven’t gotten a minivan (though it’s on the list!) and the only thing I’ve bought so far is a carseat.
anon says
I remember that post! So excited for you AwayEmily!
third kids don’t need that much – condition them early, haha!
Anonymous says
Congrats!! I have 3 with similar spacing except my middle and youngest are 23 months apart. Early years were rough but youngest is almost 4 now and it’s great!
Get the minivan. Trade for a suburban if you want once the youngest is 4+.
I vote suburbs but only because we are here and love the space. Also here in MA suburbia you could get 95% of the gear you need off our local buy nothing group because everyone is unloading it ;)
anon says
We’re trying to have a third after thinking we were done and giving away all our baby stuff and I have similar angst about having to rebuy everything, but also try to remember that I know now what things are actually needed for our family (as opposed to having no idea before kid #1) and can get a smaller, targeted amount of stuff, can keep an eye out on my free groups for things to show up between now and when the baby is born, etc. We also only have 5-person cars, but it is totally possible to get 3 carseats across in the backseat, as long as you plan carefully. Our current 2 kids share a room and we could stick a 3rd in there once he/she graduates from sleeping in our room, etc. So basically trying to remind myself that none of these challenges are insurmountable!
Anon says
congrats! Sounds like your youngest will be over three when this baby arrives so I predict a smooth transition! We have 6, 5.5, 2.5 and baby right now, and it’s been pretty seamless actually! The oldest have their own things going on so we just bring baby along. older two can sometimes be helpful and certainly aren’t a hindrance. I think this will be exciting and fun for you all!
It does push you into big family territory so I’d go ahead and get into that mindset. And a bit more chaos. When we had our third we got an Atlas and it actually worked great with three kids. When we had our fourth we got a suburban.
I occasionally freak out about extra college costs but then I think what a gift siblings are to each other and I feel okay about it!
Anonymous says
Keep in mind that the FAFSA EFC formula factors in the number of kids in school. If you have two in college at the same time, your EFC for each will be lower. It doesn’t totally wipe out the extra cost of putting another through school, but it helps.
Anonymous says
I found out I was accidentally pregnant with number three the week after I made partner in BigLaw. I cried for a month. Other kids were 3 and just shy of 5 when he was born.
We bought a Honda Pilot with captain chairs. We bought a small lake house an hour away because I do not like traveling with small humans and figured that would be the vacation spot for years to come and give our kids freedom that they do not have in our city.
We love having three kids. The youngest is very whole hearted. Our family feels very complete- but no desire for 4 kids.
Anonymous says
I should mention that our youngest is now 4. I will say that I was tired the first two years, but I love babies. And my career did not suffer.
A. says
You are me 7 years ago — down to the ages of our first two kids. Deep breaths — and first, congratulations! My spouse and I were at the very end of getting certified as foster parents; we knew we wanted 3 but I *never* wanted to be pregnant again, so we were hoping to foster-to-adopt…and then, due to a BC failure, we got a positive pregnancy test. I spent a year+ being so, so mad at the world (and him). I give you permission to feel your feelings on this.
As advised above, give it some time. The great news is that you guys are experienced parents and you know what matters to you and what doesn’t…with the first I had all the gear, with the second I knew what worked for us, and by the third you’ll know what’s truly essential. I guarantee there will be friends who pass things along to you and FB Marketplace freebies if you’re worried about expenses. Also, you don’t need to buy All Of The Things at once; we waited until our 3rd was between 6 months and a year old before selling my husband’s Honda Accord to get a 3rd row SUV (I already had a van).
I found it helpful to write down exactly what I was worried about — stuff like car, where to live, etc. You don’t have to address that all at once, and sometimes just getting it out of your head and onto paper can be helpful. Most immediately, you have to make sure you have the support you need to grow a human (it’s exhausting!) which may mean more help with your other two kids if you can swing it, and if not then spouse has to step it up. I did find my last pregnancy (when I was 33 and 34) the most difficult/tiring, but I also HATED being pregnant all three times.
I will say, our 3rd is unlike any kid I’ve ever met (in a good, albeit sometimes frustrating way) and she definitely adds the zing to our family. She’s also insanely independent, in some ways moreso than her 12-year-old sister, and that definitely comes from being born into a family where you’re not the only kid. And while the world is made for families of four (as said above, three kids definitely pushes you into “big family” territory), our household is loud and funny and a place where other kids want to hang out (which I take pride in).
Final thought: your other two are LITTLE now, but our kids are 12, 9, and 6 and I can’t believe how independent they are! The “crazy” of three kids now is bickering and running them around to activities, not the physical care that babies, toddlers, and preschoolers require.
Anoner says
OP here. Oh my goodness thank you! All of these responses had me tearing up. I love the advice of taking thing one step at a time to stop the spiraling. I’m also really nervous about the toll on my body (third c section) as well as the toll on my career but it helps knowing that others have done it and love their families etc. Seriously this has helped me so much- I haven’t told anyone in real life besides my husband but had a weekend of anxiety and reading these responses really really helps. So thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Anon says
I just had my fourth c-section. The recovery was maybe better this time? I think it’s a fluke. Someone made a comment to me about how four c-sections was a lot (ugh), which I reported to my doctor. Her response? “That’s for me to worry about. NOT you! Who was this woman?” Ha! All that to say, many c-sections are no joke, but it’s also something your doctor will be all over and recovery may be better than you expect! My worst recovery was probably my second?
AwayEmily says
your doctor is the best, I love this.
Anonymous says
I would find this comment from the doctor very dismissive and condescending.
Walnut says
My third c-section for my oops 3rd baby was my best! The first was an emergency, the second a failed VBAC, and my third was planned from the first week I met with my doctor! My anesthesiologist was happy to adjust my spinal cocktail so I didn’t itch, my doctor listened closely to my concerns from the previous two c-sections had made post-procedure adjustments to ensure we didn’t repeat previous problems.
Also, my third kid is awesome! I ended up with three under four at the worst possible time in my career and it all turned out okay.
A. says
Ohhhh good I’m glad you’re feeling a little better! Posting to add that I interviewed for my dream job at 6 months pregnant, got it, and they also gave me full maternity leave benefits when I delivered even though I’d only been there 90 days as an employee. I was incredibly nervous going in because I wanted this role SO BADLY and it all worked out (in fact, I’m still here almost 7 years later). You can do it!
Secondary Infertility says
I know there are several of you who have struggled with infertility and secondary infertility. When did you decide to give in and accept you weren’t having another child? We’ve been struggling, and I was finally referred to an RE. We are going to have the initial consultation, but husband and I have both agreed that we aren’t doing anything particularly invasive (no IVF, husband doesn’t want to do IUI but I’m open to it). It all may be irrelevant anyway because it seems our insurance won’t cover it, and we aren’t willing to pay out of pocket.
I’m really struggling with deciding on when to just give up and accept we will be a family of 3. We could keep trying for another year and maybe get pregnant, but I’m not sure I can handle the disappointment every month. I also feel like not continuing to try, even if unsuccessful, is just giving up and maybe that month would have worked.
I spent a lot of time reflecting this weekend, and I think our life would be just fine with 1 but I’m having a hard time letting go of the family of 4 image I always had. I don’t want a large gap in age between my 2 kids if we had a second. Husband says he’s fine either way, but I think he’d be relieved to only have 1.
Other relevant info: I’m 30. Husband is 38. The fertility issue is with me, not husband. Our son is 18m and was conceived quickly.
Anonymous says
I think you’re putting the cart before the horse. Go to the appointment. Talk to the doctor. Listen to the doctor. Consider asking for a referral to a counselor to help with the discussion.
TheElms says
I absolutely would go see the RE and get the initial battery of tests run through to the HSG test. I’d pay out of pocket for everything through to the HSG if needed too. The HSG is proven to increase fertility in the months following the test for many people (how much varies but articles say anywhere from 10-30%).
Once you have all that information you’ll know what obstacles you face and can evaluate whether doing more makes sense to you as a family. Right now I’m not sure how you can know the fertility issue is with you and not your husband. The fact that you conceived quickly previously is a really good sign in the fertility world, generally speaking. And 30 and 38 is still comparatively young Your age matters more than your husbands generally speaking. Depending on test results you may have lots of options that don’t involve IUI or IVF.
You don’t need to make the decision about what to do next until you have more information. The beginning of the process is hard though because there are so many unknowns. Hang in there.
Deep End says
I am with you in having trouble determining when it is time to accept a family of 3. It is hard! I am 39, husband is 48, we have an 18 month old who was conceived via IVF after 2 years of trying and fertility treatments. We have undergone a year of fertility treatments now for #2 and our latest failed in November. Husband is set on not trying anymore and I’m having a really hard time letting it go. My therapist suggested we take it off the table for a few weeks and reassess when we’ve both had a little time
Anonymous says
I don’t have experience with IVF, but I’ve had a few miscarriages and other issues that delayed getting pregnant. If you’re only 30, I would maybe give yourself a 3-6 month break. I kept jumping right from miscarriage to trying again, miscarriage to trying again, and in retrospect, I should have given myself some time to slow down, drink cocktails, and mentally recover/ prepare for disappointment. Whatever you do, make sure you’re taking care of yourself on the journey.
Anon says
+1 I would take a break. Kids don’t need to be super close in age to have a good sibling and you’re gynecologically still pretty young.
Anon says
It seems too soon to accept defeat if you haven’t even talked to a specialist yet – there are other options aside from IVF like checking for blockages, hormone or thyroid issues, or trying clomid. I would wait and see.
Anon says
I’m 35, DH is 39, DD is 4.5. I haven’t accepted it, despite 3+ years of trying with two miscarriages. I also haven’t booked an appointment with an RE yet (baseline bloodwork came back normal). We are waiting for some (non-fertility) health stuff to settle down before I make that appointment, perhaps later this year, but like you I’m not sure I want to go down the path of anything particularly invasive. I have no good answers, just that you’re not alone in this boat.
Anon says
you are still VERY young. so first go to the consultation. usually the evaluation is covered by insurance. an IUI or even potentially just taking clomid or something like that is not that that invasive or expensive (comparatively speaking). to me a “large gap” between kids is maybe more than 3.5/4 years, obviously you might feel differently. also – talk to a therapist. i think it is important to not try to push this under the rug and to really talk through everything with a professional
Anon says
How do you know that the fertility issue is with you if you haven’t seen the RE yet?
Anon says
Given that you are 30, my suggestions are a RE to determine if there are any interventions short of IVF that would help (often, there are) and figure out exactly what the problem is.
While it may be your ideal vision to have two kids relatively close in age, without IVF, that’s probably not going to happen, so consider what your second-best outcome is. Is that having two kids, even if they are far apart in age? IVF? Stop at one and go back to using protection? Get into a very Zen state of mind where you don’t try to conceive, don’t try to not conceive, just garden and expect to not get pregnant and if you do, awesome?
Anonymous says
I think you should go to the RE, run some tests, and see what they say. Having a sit down with an RE is not a commitment to do IUI, IVF, or anything else frankly. Just information gathering.
I’m unsure how you know the issue is with you if you haven’t gone to an RE. Also, many people (myself included) have “unexplained infertility” where you just keep trying things to see if something will work. If you actually have a diagnosed issue, it seems like you might be able to get a better idea of what things might or might not help and could better evaluate your options.
I would also suggest you talk to a therapist that specializes in TTC/pregnancy/parenthood as you think through having another child. Acupuncture can also be super helpful while TTC, although in current COVID conditions I probably would not go.
Anon says
Do you use OPKs? I thought I had a fertility problem (took me 13 months to get preg), turns out I just ovulate muuuch later than I thought and we were timing things wrong. Since you got pregnant quickly with your first, I thought you might not have tried that yet.
anomymous says
How’s everyone doing? I am at my wits end with pandemic unreliable childcare and cold weather. The kids are going stir-crazy being home so much and are getting on my nerves. Having kids at home also means more cooking and more mess/clean-up. Too much togetherness and too much time at home at this point for everyone. I miss the routine we used to have.
anon says
Schools are open for the first time in three weeks and my kids are finally out of the house. Fingers cross schools stay open and we all stay healthy.
Anon says
I am sitting in my blessedly silent office today (even though it is recommended that we work from home through the end of the month, the office is still open) because I couldn’t take it anymore. I don’t even have that much to do today, I just needed silence.
Anon says
I posted above that we’re on our second 14 day daycare closure since Thanksgiving and we had a planned two week holiday break in there too. I think we’ve had 7 total days of childcare since Thanksgiving. And this is in a state where the Omicron wave is just beginning. It’s so awful and taking me right back to spring 2020. And yes the mess from having everyone home all day is so real. My house looks like a tornado hit it.
Anonymous says
I’m tired. Due to snow and pandemic, we haven’t been able to get back into a routine post-winter break, and it’s wearing on me. Youngest is asymptomatic but tested positive at weekly PCR and not allowed back at school til after MLK Day. The older kids tested negative and fortunately due to all the other measures in place, they are still allowed in school. But I have a busy week of work and a kindergartener at home with me, which maximizes the frustration and guilt that I can’t do anything well.
Then some other parent replied all to the school’s email about my kids being close contacts but still attending class because they’re fully vaccinated, masks are required for all anyway, will rapid test before school, with
“To whom it may concern:
We will isolate our child if we have a family member test positive. It’s a prudent and proven risk management strategy.”
F off, dude. Take your sanctimony somewhere else.
Anonymous says
Sorry, but I’m with the other parent. The vaccine doesn’t offer much protection against omicron infection. Your strategy is going to backfire on you when your kids infect the teacher and the whole classroom or school gets shut down or moved to remote learning.
Anon says
+1 yeah our school JUST shifted their policy from “siblings of infected kids can attend unless they have symptoms and/or a positive test” to “siblings can’t attend for 14 days and need a negative test to come back.” It seems prudent to me.
Anonymous says
Our school does almost nothing in terms of risk mitigation (masking not enforced, kids sitting less than 3 feet apart and facing each other at lunch, etc.), and they still require household contacts of an infected person to stay home for 15 days after the infected person’s positive test.
Spirograph says
I mean, if the school did nothing in terms of mitigation, I’d HOPE they make sure everyone stays home for 2 weeks! Weekly screening tests & masks for all, and rapid tests before school seems like it plugs a lot of those gaps to give both reasonable assurance the kids aren’t infections and minimize learning disruptions.
FVNC says
My daughter’s elementary school also just shifted to this policy. A household close contact (i.e., repeated close exposure) requires the student to stay home. Other contacts for vaccinated students do not require the student to stay home. I feel for schools; they’re just having to make impossible decisions.
Anon says
yea at our school siblings can only attend if the positive kid is isolated at home and the others aren’t exposed to that sibling.
Anonymous says
In my school district we follow the protocols described by OP. We have “test and stay” and it works.
Anonymous says
Has the policy really been tested under omicron? A bunch of my relatives caught it over the holidays, and all were testing negative for the first few days of symptoms.
Anon says
You’re probably not infectious if you’re testing negative. You can have symptoms before being infectious, and apparently that’s more common with vaccinated people.
Anonymous says
I don’t think that’s true anymore with omicron. That’s how my kid’s class is currently shut down, and my kid is showing symptoms. Teacher trusted negative tests for herself and for her kid.
ano says
Ugh, that’s ridiculous, especially since the older siblings are presumably freshly vaccinated.
Anonymous says
The one who tested positive is also freshly vaccinated. It’s coming for everyone, just a question of when.
To the prudent ones: I’m happy to have positive cases stay home, just want to keep the window as short as possible. If everyone stays home for 14 days, and a second kid tests positive on day 12, we do what? all stay home another 14 days starting then? What purpose did that original 12 days of isolation serve? Most countries that actually have rapid tests easily available do test and stay, it’s much more sensible and humane than just auto-holing up in your house.
Anonymous says
Yes, if a second kid tests positive on day 12, then the quarantine clock resets for the as-yet-uninfected members of the household. You now have a fresh exposure, so you need to wait out the second child’s infectious period plus the incubation period. The kid who was originally sick gets out of isolation on the original timeline and does not have to quarantine any further. At least that’s how it works in our county.
Anonymous says
We’ve been home since last Wednesday with Covid. I feel fine, my toddler has regular cold symptoms (runny nose, cough) but seems to feel fine, and my husband is in bed with fever and cough (on the mend now, was worse this weekend). I’ve got a lot of deadlines at work I’m trying to stay on top of but it’s exhausting. So ready to go back to normal.
Anon says
this is something really small, but can i suggest paper plates for a week. i know it is not the most environmentally friendly, but we did this for a week when i was losing it and it honestly made a difference of one less chore.
Anonymous says
We have reverted to a spring 2020 lifestyle with the exception of in-person school. Today is the first day back to school. I give it a week before we are all down with COVID anyway thanks to our idiot state legislature and school board. All you had to do was go to remote learning for like 3 weeks and you could have prevented the coming disaster. Now you’ll get to say you kept school open for a week and then everything will shut down because there are no teachers left. Big PR win there.
I am now trying to wrap my head around what life will be like with long COVID and/or with a kid with long COVID. The cognitive impairment is the scariest part. Maybe it will give me an excuse to quit my job.
Hmm says
I don’t quite understand this view. What would closing schools by 3 weeks have done other than potentially delay the wave? It’s not going to disappear.
Anonymous says
It would allow families that don’t want to get caught in the wave to ride it out at home. Those who don’t care would still catch it outside of school, and the wave would crest and die down and the risk of infection would be much less when kids went back to school.
Anon says
I am with Hmm. It is impossible to say that in 3 weeks it will crest down enough for this suggestion to have been worth doing. Just going off of NY, they still don’t seem to have peaked and it has been much more than 3 weeks.
So then does 3 weeks turn into 5 weeks turn into 10 weeks, oh and then we will have a new variant, and on and on and holy moly our kids will never be educated again.
Anon says
+1 Especially if you are in an area of the country that isn’t nearing peak yet. Yes, these two weeks have a bump from holiday spread, but local community spread is booming and unless everyone strictly stayed home during those two weeks the risk wouldn’t change much
Anonymous says
Exactly–the peak is coming whether or not kids are in school. If you close the schools, you let the kids ride out the peak at home and don’t needlessly expose them.
Anon says
I think Anon at 11:36 is agreeing with Hmm, not closing the schools.
Anonymous says
Her point–the peak is coming–actually makes it more logical to close the schools, not less logical.
Anon says
My point is that the peak could still be a month or two away in much of the country – I don’t think closing for two weeks at the beginning of January will make any difference
Anon says
Yeah my area really just started surging last week. We’re at least a month behind NY which is only just now beginning to peak. Our peak will probably be in mid February (which sucks for my Feb birthday kid).
Anonymous says
Most models are predicting the nationwide peak in 2 weeks and the peak here sometime between now and 2 weeks out. So if we closed for 3 weeks or so we’d ride out the worst of it.
Anon says
But models are taking schools being open into account in making their predictions. If you closed schools for two weeks you would just delay the peak. The population in the US with the least immunity is children under 12 and 12-17 isn’t much better.
anon says
I don’t know, my kids’ schools are closed for at least 2 weeks and I’m hoping this means Omicron will be less rampant when we go back. Last Monday (when schools were supposed to open) we were at a 7-day average of 249/100k. Now, we’re down to a 7-day average of 226/100k and it will presumably drop more in the next week.
Anonymous says
Maybe I’m pessimistic, but I think *everyone* is going to get omicron. I’m not going to have a chickenpox party or anything, but if you keep school closed for 3 weeks and maybe 50% of the kids aren’t exposed… that 50% is going to get it and spread it among themselves when school starts back up again, forcing another closure. You’re just delaying/extending the pain.
The latest info I saw over the weekend was that the hospitalization stats are wildly inflated because they’re counting people who tested positive on screening even if they were admitted for something completely unrelated. Most people with omicron have mild symptoms or none at all, and recover at home. To me, unless it’s necessary to flatten the curve because of local hospital capacity, it’s not worth shutting schools down anymore (I can see how preschool is a different story, because vaccines). Get vaccinated, wear masks, open the windows if weather permits, but keep the schools and life open as much as possible — staffing is going to be a limiting factor, we don’t need to arbitrarily introduce more.
Anonymous says
Our schools don’t have mandatory vaccination, masks, or open windows.
Anonymous says
Our hospitals are overloaded and canceling all non-emergency procedures.
Anonymous says
“unless it’s necessary to flatten the curve because of local hospital capacity.” The unfortunate thing is, the places that most need to do that are probably also the ones where it’s least likely to happen, and the blue bubbles will close schools even though their hospital capacity is fine. Our country is broken.
Anon says
Then maybe we should be cancelling a million other things, but not schools.
Anon says
Blue bubble hospitals are overloaded too.
Anon says
The hospital issue is not limited to red states. There’s a lot of flu and RSV going around now as well as Covid (a bad flu season can really pressure hospitals in normal times), and also a lot of staff out with Covid currently – I think I read some hospital systems have 1 in 5 staff out because they tested positive or have symptoms and are waiting on test results. A physical bed is not actually a bed unless you have a doctor and nurse to staff it.
Anon says
+1 mm.
I think the idea that we close schools for 3 (or whatever predefined seemingly short amount of) weeks, perfectly time it to get past the peak, and then at that 3 week mark everyone happily goes back is pure fantasy. Did 2020-2021 not teach us anything?
AIMS says
I don’t think you can prevent anything with a school closure. Many parents can’t just work from home and many kids will end up at more risk outside of school (my kid actually had to quarantine after one of the school closures because she was exposed from her alternative care plan). I think a lot of people are very anxious (and I get it too!) but I think we are past the point of “let’s just all hunker down for a few weeks.” Obviously, if you’re immunocompromised that sucks and if you need to take extra precautions or miss school, I get that, but it’s just not a sustainable plan for any community overall.
I am just keeping my fingers crossed for an “easy covid” and trying to be optimistic and view this as the necessary next step to getting back to normal.
Anonymous says
Extra precautions and missing school are not an option unless you want to pull your kid from public school entirely and do full-on homeschooling. There is no on-line option for us. I sent my kid back to school today knowing that within the week we are all going to be sick and I am most likely going to be disabled for life.
AIMS says
Please take this as well intentioned because it is, but this sounds like a lot of stress and anxiety. I have missed weeks of school before as a kid. Heck, kids are missing weeks of school now being quarantined! If you are genuinely at risk of being “disabled for life” you should keep your kid home for the next month. If you’re just worried about long covid, talk to your doctor, talk to a therapist, there is no point in assuming the worst at this point in time if you are a vaccinated and boosted adult.
Boston Legal Eagle says
This is where I’m at. My husband and I are privileged enough to WFH, but not everyone can and essential workers still need to get to work. So where are the kids supposed to go? At least school is a defined, controlled environment.
Anon says
But not right now because there are not sufficient staff to watch kids. I’m out dostricts some classes simply don’t have teachers showing up. In other periods there are hundreds of kids in the lunchroom or auditorium with a few adults. Regardless of what you think about omicron, this is not safe, supervised, or school.
Anonymous says
Such a good way to put it. Not safe, supervised, or school.
AIMS says
But whether there are school staffing shortages is a different issue! There may be a need to shut down for it or not but it has nothing to do with this conversation. If we’re talking about it in this context I would bet that at least some of those teachers may be out because their kids’ schools are also shut down.
So Anon says
I keep repeating the phrase that I’ve heard on this board a bunch: no one is coming to save me. I’ve got to make the best of it (or at least make it less bad). My babysitter took a full time job right before the holidays, and I feel uncomfortable hiring someone new until Omicron calms a bit. As a result, I feel like I am back into the mode of working full time and also playing the role of a SAHM. To lighten the impact, I signed my kids up for outdoor activities, which is cancelled for tomorrow because the high is 10F. And I’ve come to the realization that I cannot and should not rely on my mom for help for so many reasons. Basically, its all one big dumpster fire and everyone at work is like, well, this is what it is now with no regard to the fact that parents still have their hair on fire.
Anonymous says
I am struggling with how best to acknowledge the situation at work. My kids are older so school closures are theoretically less of a big deal, although there is still a ton of emotional fallout. My staff are mostly moms with younger kids who need hands-on supervision when school or day care is closed. I have been addressing the school stuff head-on at the beginning of meetings–how is everyone doing? Yes, it sucks. Please take time off if you need to. Etc. In some ways it doesn’t seem like enough, but on the other hand I worry that some staff might think I’m devoting too much time to pandemic talk and want to get straight down to business.
H13 says
I wish anyone in a senior leadership role in my organization about address things head on. Instead we are all drowning.
Anon says
Yeah. I’m the only person I work with who has young kids and there is zero acknowledgement from anyone else about the difficulty. I was in a call this morning with some people and informed them daycare was closed again, and several people rolled their eyes and one woman (with kids! but older ones) commented “Wow, your childcare is so unreliable, you really need to figure that out.” Ma’am we’re in a global pandemic. This is not my fault. And I make less than $50k a year in a low level, non-urgent job. I’m not an executive who’s used to having expensive backup care on standby because they work 80 hours a week.
GCA says
I’m about the only one on my team with a kid too young to be vaccinated; there are a couple of others with older school-aged kids, and a lot of juniors with no kids. Everyone else is kind enough to express dismay (yet another snow day! oh no, kid has a fever?) and pick up whatever slack they can, but I know they are not living it or feeling it viscerally. Team meeting chit-chat today was about people’s year-end time off: some people went skiing, some people stayed in with a couple of friends to ring in the new year, and…oh, me? I was at the end of my second 10-day preschool quarantine tearing my hair out.
Boston Legal Eagle says
^ GCA I feel this. I hope to one day become a senior executive who will remember these early years and actually truly get it. We need more compassionate leaders who had little kids while working and not with a SAH spouse or always available childcare, and unfortunately for us in the trenches now, we have to get through it to get to the other side.
H13 says
I think just hearing an acknowledgement of the situation would go a long way for me. No one on the senior leadership team at my job has young children (if they do have children they are college or beyond) and my direct boss has no kids. I just need to hear that they acknowledge how hard this is for those of us facing childcare closures, constant risk analysis, school outbreaks, and no help. A friend recently asked what my backup plans were should someone in my house get COVID. I was like, there is no back up plan. We just keep struggling through. And in the meantime, I think maybe I am broken and can’t do work anymore.
Spirograph says
Anon @3:24, I’m so sorry she said that to you, how disappointing. Hugs to all of you, and thanks for the reminder to reach out to my coworkers who have younger kids.
Anonymous says
I had made plans to send immune-compromised 7 back to school freshly vaccinated last week after almost 2 years of working remotely while homeschooling, but Omicron crushed that plan. Nothing has changed much since March 2020 in my house and my mental health reflects that. Whatever is 1,000 miles past wit’s end, that is where I am. Hello everyone who is here with me.
Allie says
Hi wise moms – where should we go on summer vacation? Leaving from the DC metro area. Have one week. Kids will be 5.5 and 3 this summer. My husband is *very* COVID cautious and I’m feeling less concerned now that we’re vaxxed and that it’s seeming like we’re in an endemic not a pandemic. We’ve just done driving and rent and air b n b since the pandemic started and I’d like to up the wow factor a bit. We love nature, kid-friendly hikes, like the beach, like cute towns, do not like party-vacation towns, or instead like when you can mix walkable cities and nature into a vacation.
Anonymous says
Colorado. It’s a real wow but you can still do a condo rental easily.
Anon says
Bar Harbor/Acadia is very scenic and great for kids. BH is a cute (albeit touristy) town, if you wanted more of a foodie/city experience you could put Portland in the mix too. The drive from Portland to Acadia can be very scenic if you take the coastal route. We go to the Acadia every summer because we have a family home there, and last summer my daughter was 3.5 so I can come back later with some suggestions about what to do with little kids in the area.
Anon at 10:29 says
Here are some things I would recommend in Acadia for families with kids <6 (who I'm assuming can't do serious hiking, kudos to you if they can).
-Driving scenic areas of the park especially Park Loop Road and Cadillac Mountain
-Walking on Ocean drive/Otter Cliffs and the top of Cadillac
-Walking some or all of the loop around Jordan Pond (depending on stamina) followed by popovers and lobster stew on the lawn at Jordan Pond House. You can often see frogs in the lake.
-Boating – there is a big schooner that goes out of BH, as well as lobster boat trips and whale watching trips. You can also rent kayaks and canoes.
-Walking the bar to Bar Island at low tide – you may seem some crabs or starfish
-Low tiding at Bartlett's Landing on the western side of the island, also a good place to see crabs and starfish
-Playing on the beach and looking for shells at Sand Beach (be warned the water is v. cold)
-Lakewood Pond or Echo Lake for warmer swimming beaches
-Walking the Shore Path in Bar Harbor
-Agamont Park and the Village Green in BH are good green spaces for kids to run around or have a picnic, and there is also a small beach next to the town pier
-If you want to do any stroller walks (5 may be too old for that) carriage roads are good for that. If you want to walk on the carriage roads, the Eagle Lake area is my favorite part
-If you want to do a real hike, Flying Mountain and Beech Mountain are the most doable. I think most 3 year olds could do the former and many could do the latter.
For restaurants in BH, I like the food at West St Cafe, Side St. Cafe, Cafe This Way (breakfast), Jordan's (breakfast). Cafe This Way has a life size Connect 4 game you can play while you wait that my 3 year old went crazy for last summer. Geddy's and Rosalie's have good pizza. Ben and Bill's and MDI Ice Cream for ice cream. Terrace Grille at Bar Harbor Inn has the best views in the village of BH, but food is only ok. My favorite restaurant on the island is the Asticou Inn in Northeast Harbor. They have a covered patio with beautiful views of the harbor, and excellent food (including better popovers than Jordan Pond House). It's $$$ but worth it. Nor'easter Pound in NE Harbor is also good for a lobster roll. Many restaurants in Maine will griddle a blueberry muffin for you if you ask and I highly recommend ordering one at every breakfast place you go to. Outdoor dining is easy to find in the Acadia area in the summer. We only ate outdoors last summer. If there's some restaurant you really want to visit that only has indoor dining, there are lots of good places for a takeout picnic.
Anonymous says
Tell me more about these griddled blueberry muffins. I am envisioning splitting them, buttering them, and toasting them on the griddle?
Anon says
That’s basically it, I think!
Spirograph says
Rehoboth! It’s a very manageable drive and checks all those boxes, especially if you stay outside of the couple blocks where the nightlife scene is. Henlopen is a great park for biking and hiking, the beach is clean and not *too* crowded (again, stay closer to the edges of the public beach, not right off the main drag). Funland on the boardwalk might be outside your husband’s risk tolerance, but if things are looking up by then, 5.5 and 3 are the perfect ages for it.
Anonymous says
Portland Maine, or coastal Maine in general (although this might be better flying – would be a pretty long drive from DC I think). Outer banks (less town, more beach focused). Philadelphia has a lot to offer for young kids if you can handle being in a city.
So Anon says
12 hour drive, dependent on NY & CT traffic, though waze helps tremendously with this. If you can get the direct flight from DCA into Portland, it is super easy to rent a car and be on your way. (Signed, family in DC and live in Maine)
A. says
Also here to plug Maine — we love the southern part of the state, Ogunquit/Wells and similar. Super family friendly, GREAT food and beaches, and extremely walkable.
Anon says
have you guys done Philly yet? you could do some time in the city and then within the city/not too far out (or if you wanted to go farther out you could), there is a lot of nature. i grew up in the DC area and we did a family vacation to some state park type of place in WV and it was actually a lot of fun.
Anon says
White Mountains, NH
A. says
X-posting: I need KN95 (or similar high-filtration masks) for my kids ages 6, 9, and 12. 12 year old can likely wear an adult size. I’m overwhelmed by searching through the options on Am@z0n and am worried about fakes. Does anyone have some they love that they can link to? I would be eternally grateful!
Anonymous says
I’ve given up on KN95/KF94 for myself and my kid. Two different adult styles from Vida were comically large. The kid-sized ones were too small. Then I learned that Vida, which seemed to be reputable and was recommended by several news sites, was trying to pass off unapproved masks as genuine. Next I tried the medium-sized masks from MaskC, but even though the measurements said size medium should fit they still gapped. After more than $100 wasted on useless KF94s and KN95s, I’ve decided that we are safer sticking with the small size cloth masks with a filtration layer from Proper Cloth, since at least those fit properly.
Collette says
I have not used them since my kids are too young, but bonafide masks sells kids size kn95. I get my adult masks there and they are excellent quality.
Not posting the link to avoid moderation but it comes up easily in google.
TheElms says
Wellbefore has kids KN95 masks that a lot of friends have used. Our order doesn’t come until tomorrow. In the meantime we’ve been using Happy Masks and they seem fine.
Allie says
Done buy on amazon – too many fakes. Wellbefore is good. As is green supply co. There may be others but go directly to a site.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
DS #2 is 1 and still in his Graco infant seat. I’d like to change him over to a carseat that a) he can ride rear-facing in long term and b) I can keep next to DS #1’s carseat in my car (Subaru Outback) so that there is still non-carseat seating available in the back.
Any suggestions? DS #1 is in a Britax Clicktight, 4 years old, FF. DH and I have only used seatbelt installation thus far in both of our cars. I’ve looked at Car Seats for Littles and a few other sites but would like some anecdata.
anon says
What about passing down the Britax to the baby and getting slim FF-only seat for the 4yo?
OP says
I thought about this, but the Britax isn’t great for extended RF.
Anon says
How long do you want to rear face for? My very tall, fairly heavy kid was RFing in her Britax until 3.25, when she got close to the 40 pound weight limit. She was the last kid in her daycare class to switch to FFing. Unless you’re shooting for RFing until age 4 or have a truly gigantic kid, I’m not sure the type of seat matters that much.
Anon says
I have a Britax Boulevard and an almost- 2 year old. Why isn’t it good for extended RF? It says it’s good for up to 40 pounds and 49 inches, which puts them RF until age 4.
OP says
DS #1 was like 38-39 lbs from 2.5-4 so it didn’t work for us. DS #2 is on the skinnier but taller side (for now), so we can definitely consider this.
TheElms says
The Britax Clicktight is very wide. It is potentially impossible to safely install a car seat next to it and preserve the third seat for non car seat use in a Subaru Outback because for a safe install the two carseats can’t overlap in air space and the headwings on the Britax are very wide. Your best bet is to try a Graco SlimFit3x next to the Britax and if that doesn’t work, also get a new FF only car seat for your 4 year old. The Graco Transitions would likely work. I think the Graco SlimFit3x is less than 17 inches wide, so it will be narrower than the Graco Transitions, which I think is 18 inches wide.
OP says
Thank you, this is helpful. I think the Graco Bucket and Britax are a safe, albeit tight, fit given the width of the Clicktight. I’ve been eyeing the Graco seats you mention for sure.
CCLA says
The Cleks are very narrow and work for long RF. The front to back distance on the cleks is no joke though so make sure that works in your car! Agree with others though you probably want something narrower than a Britax to do side by side.
Runner says
Advice on handling the threes? Our boy girl twins turned three a few months ago and it has become just so challenging. I find myself avoiding them even when I am around them because I am just trying to keep it together and get through the day. Like I don’t want to invest emotionally because it is taking all my patience to just not lose my cool when they lose theirs, which they do. We had a long family vacation over the holidays which I thought would be really fun and was fun but in retrospect we maybe shouldn’t have done it, we would have gotten more rest and just as much togetherness with a staycation.
I am a Janet Lansbury fan but it takes incredible effort for me to sit with them through ridiculousness and the place where we live is a bit more traditional when it comes to child rearing so I am also struggling with shame that my kids don’t behave in the way others do.
Any thoughts or advice?
Anon says
I don’t have any advice except that I think it’s pretty normal to white-knuckle through it and not really enjoy this age. Age 3 is what cemented our decision to be one and done. Things seemed to get progressively worse from 2.5 until 3.5 (we had such a rough vacation this summer a couple weeks before her half birthday) but then gradually got better from there and now at almost 4 I feel like I can really see the light at the end of the tunnel. That’s not to say we don’t still have meltdowns, but we sometimes go a day or two without having one, which was not true just a few months ago.
Janet Lansbury has never worked for my child, and I feel like she’s very mom shame-y so I’ve avoided her for a long time. If you want parenting advice, I thought the Spirited Child book was somewhat helpful and very empathetic to parents and kids.
Anonymous says
Janet Lansbury is a menace.
anon says
This comment made me LOL. I feel this. But I also still listen to her podcast (I find her voice weirdly soothing?) and try to implement what I can. My issue is really that I’m not sure what I am supposed to be DOING. I always leave the episode feeling like she’s been clear about what not to do but I’m never quite sure what I should be doing instead.
How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen is even worse to me because it seems to demand SO much from parents — I don’t have a super playful personality and I hate the idea that I have to make everything into a fun and silly game, it feels so unnatural.
Anon says
“I don’t have a super playful personality and I hate the idea that I have to make everything into a fun and silly game, it feels so unnatural.” I know everyone loves the TV show Bluey but it really annoys me for that reason.
Anonymous says
I haven’t read the little kid version, but most of the strategies in the original How to Talk So Kids Will Listen don’t demand playfulness. They have been pretty successful for me with kids and adults of all ages, so maybe worth a try?
Anonymous says
I am also not a fan of Janet Lansbury. How to talk is great – and I leaned from this board that one of the authors does online workshops. Google Julie King workshops – and you will get her website. Highly recommend. The workshops really help me fully understand and practice her teachings. It seemed really hard to commit to spending the time on the workshops, even though it was one night a week for 4 weeks. However, it was worth it.
anon says
Can’t stand Janet Lansbury. Maybe if your kid is naturally super chill, but mine are born boundary pushers and her advice isn’t all that effective for that type of personality.
Anonymous says
No advice but my oldest was like this and he’s a very easy kid otherwise. I’m dreading the 3s with my twins (who are 11 months now). I can’t believe there are no twin parenting books. And piling on: I tried Janet Lansbury but decided it’s pretty much nonsense. You need to hold boundaries when kids push them, not let them walk all over you. Easier said than done.
OP says
Yeah I like her in that she reminds me not to take kids feelings personally. So I get that. It’s like what every one of her podcasts is about. But also: what do I do besides that?
Will try the “Spirited Child”. I just get the feeling that I am not really imposing structure and discipline in ways that are developmentally appropriate and that the kiddos might actually be grateful for. Instead, there’s a lot of “you feel sad”
Anonymous says
I think that’s just being 3. I felt like you “I’m just naming feelings into a void” but around 3.5 or 4 he started naming them himself. At almost 5 he will say “I need to take some deep breaths” or “I need a hug” or even “I am having a hard day” and those are wins in my book. But that’s coming from someone who’s learning to name feelings at 36. How to talk is also great. Some of the ideas seem silly but they really work. Good luck. Mommin ain’t easy
Anon says
i post on here all the time. i have 3.5 year old fraternal girl twins. since August which was a few months after their 3rd birthday they have become impossible. i try a lot of the techniques in Dr Becky at Home and Big Little Feelings. honestly half the time i don’t know if whatever we are going to do that day is going to be fun or not bc my kids’ moods and behaviors can be very hit or miss. i can also promise that your kids are not the only ones behaving the way that they do.
Anonymous says
Try How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen.
Sybil says
Also with boy-girl 3 1/2 twins. One is much worse than the other, but honestly I just tell myself that most kids are trash most of the time at this age and you just gotta get through it.
AwayEmily says
I’m generally not a fan of statements dismissing entire parenting strategies as terrible (whether it’s Janet Lansbury or timeouts). I think disciplining isn’t that different from sleep or potty training…at least in my experience, different things resonate for different kids. So I guess my advice would be to read/explore widely, including trying some strategies that might not be super intuitive to you. People on this board tend to have great recommendations, I definitely have found lots of resources here I wouldn’t have come across otherwise. Good luck!
Anon says
My problem with Janet Lansbury isn’t that her techniques don’t work for all kids – I agree that’s true of pretty much any piece of parenting advice – but her attitude towards parents. Her message is that if her techniques don’t work for you, it’s your fault for not implementing them right. She, more than any other parenting expert I’ve read, claims that her techniques DO work for all kids, and the only way they can fail is parental user error. Which is total BS. As you said, there are plenty kids for whom any given strategy or piece of advice is just not going to work. From reading Goodreads reviews of her books, I’m very much not alone in feeling judged by her. Much of the advice I’ve read in parenting books hasn’t worked for my extremely stubborn, boundary-pushing kid, but there aren’t any others I’ve read with a tone I find as offensive as Janet’s.
Anonymous says
Exactly. Ellyn Satter is this way too. Any “expert” who fails to acknowledge that a single approach does not work for all kids, and who tells parents that their kids’ behavior is all their fault for being terrible parents, is no expert.
AwayEmily says
I totally get that, although tbh I get the exact same vibe from almost EVERY parenting book, from 1-2-3 Magic to Oh Crap to the Weissbluth sleep book. They’re all incredibly preachy about their way being the Only Right Way. It made me super mad at first (and I still have my moments) but I’ve mostly taught myself to ignore those parts/chalk it up to needing to sell books — I suppose nobody will buy a book if people say “here’s a thing that works on some kids but not others, try it out and find out!” But yes, it’s definitely irritating.
Boston Legal Eagle says
“here’s a thing that works on some kids but not others, try it out and find out!” – that would be my book, or “your first kid may be completely different than your second kid even if you parent the same way and are a type A results-oriented person (a memoir)”
Anon says
Fair enough. I haven’t read that many parenting books, but I do feel like there are several (including the Spirited Child and How To Talk) that are a bit gentler towards parents and acknowledge that different situations and people call for different techniques, and you’re not a failure if you don’t get immediate success with their methods.
Anonymous says
Boston Legal Eagle, I would read that book.
anon says
Hahaha Boston Legal Eagle — “your first kid may be completely different than your second kid even if you parent the same way and are a type A results-oriented person (a memoir)” — I need this book. My second child is just schooling me daily on how all of my good parenting the first time around was just the result of my first child’s temperament and nothing I was actually doing. I feel like there are some life lessons in here about surrendering control that I try to accept on good days :)
Anon says
I just wanted to say, there is absolutely no shame in struggling as a parent. No one gets to judge you. Other people’s opinions don’t get to be more important than you and your child’s development and well being. At the same time your children are is not a reflection on who you are as a person. Besides each child and parent is so different that there is no one solution, even within a family. I feel like I parent very differently with each of my kids, and even that seems to change all the time.
Maybe you can reframe “avoiding” your children as “giving them space.” Perhaps it’s good that you can recognize that a moment of distance can be better than reacting in harshness and anger. I find that sometimes detaching myself a little from my kids (emotionally, not necessarily physically… but that too if need be), and letting them spin and stew in their own big feelings, is often the best thing for my own mental health and how I can be the most kind to them. Eventually they will come out of it and we can hug and move on with life. Especially at this age when their love is still unconditional.
OP says
Hey, this was an incredibly kind answer, I really appreciate it. And yes, I suppose I need to find some other resources besides Janet, since she’s not working for me right now. Thanks guys for all the tips and commiseration. “Naming feelings into the void” is exactly it.
Baby Boy Name Help says
Would love any baby boy name help. I’m getting close to delivery and we are just uninspired by everything. I’m getting really restless by this. Our kids are Daniel Alan and Elizabeth Anne, both go by their full first names. Leaning towards Catholic-ish names, avoiding names that start with W and end in -y or -ie. Also cannot do Michael, Joseph, Aaron or Alexander. We have no family we really want to consider as sources for names. Thanks for any ideas!!!
Anon says
Matthew Phillip
Anonymous says
I have a set of cousins with two boys and a girl and they are Christopher, Daniel, and Lauren. Maybe Christopher? Other ideas: Conor, Edmund, Brandon. Edmund is a personal favorite of mine–it would be my pick if we ever have another boy!
Anon says
Nothing I’m going to say will be shocking here since these are just some of the disciples, but feel like there are some solid on-theme names:
John (or Jack)
Peter (or I guess Simon if you prefer that)
James
Philip
Andrew
Thomas
Personally I like John Andrew or John Philip from the above.
Anonymous says
JP is a very cute nickname
Anon says
Caleb was my boy name that I never got to use. #girlmom Vincent is popular in my family too.
NYCer says
I am guessing you have considered all of these names, but here are some ideas nonetheless: Christopher, James, Andrew, Matthew, Peter, Nicholas, David, William, Benjamin, Henry
And a few less “traditional” ideas: Julian/Julien (my favorite), Brooks, Landon, Brady, Lucas
NYCer says
Oops, delete Brady! Forgot about the no -ie or -y requirement! :)
Anonymous says
We know a lot of young Christopher’s and Nicholas’ but despite efforts to the contrary they are called Chris and Nick (or Nicco) by classmates. So if you aren’t OK with a nickname I’d skip it.
We know a Christopher Thomas that goes by CT, a John Thomas that goes by JT, a John Paul that goes by JP and a Patrick James that goes by PJ.
Anonymous says
James, Luke, Matthew or Charles.
Diana says
I think Catholic names are rather limited so that may be why you’re not as inspired. Maybe more Irish names for thoughts? Your kids names are beautiful though, have to find something that matches up!
Edmund George
Kieran John
Anon says
Ronan Matthew
anon says
Fulton
Realist says
Keegan
Noah
Benjamin
Jonathan
Nicholas
Dominic
Sebastion
I would keep the “A” middle name theme going, so something like Andrew, Alexander, Adrien, Adam, Asher, etc.
Anonymous says
Felix Andrew
DLC says
Patrick
Albert
Benedict
Gabriel
Jerome
Joshua
I also love all the names suggested above, but have a soft spot for Christopher, Nicholas, and Andrew.
Years ago, when I was having the same dilemma, someone here pointed me towards this Catholic baby naming site:
https://sanctanomina.net/
AIMS says
Ooh, I love Gabriel.
AIMS says
I like Peter, John, Paul and Thomas. I went to school with a very cute JP (John Paul). James is always great but definitely very popular side these days (whether as Jameson or just Jack). Aidan could be a good short middle name if you want to stick with an A. middle.
Brandon might be a good outlier option.
Anonymous says
Jonathan is ready for a comeback!
anon says
Oh man, no ending in y kills off several of my Catholic faves. That being said:
If you vibe French Catholic, what about Xavier, Francis, or Nicholas?
If you vibe Irish Catholic, what about Patrick, Duncan, or Dermot?
If you vibe hipster Catholic, how about Sebastian or Benedict?
If you vibe recusant English Catholics hiding from Elizabethan persecution, there’s always Thomas, Henry, or anything else the Dukes of Norfolk have been named for the last couple centuries.
OP says
OP here, and this made me lol. Thanks :)
Baby’s last name is Russian and ends in -sky so we’re trying to avoid the sing-songiness of having the last syllable of both the first and last names being the same! Will check out the Dukes of Norfolk :) thanks again
Superstar says
And now I have “Will no one stay awake with me? Peter, John, James?” running through my head.
Anon says
Can anyone recommend a guide to cutting a toddler’s hair at home?
Anon says
I can’t, but I need this too! Haha. This is so far outside my skill set!
Anon says
My kid has super long and thick hair. What I typically do is get those tiny elastics and put little ponytails all over his head. One for his bangs. One on each side near his ears. One in the back. Then I cut off the ponytails. It helps with the squirming and minimizes the risk of stabbing him. Then I trim up any stray pieces or anything that’s crooked and call it a day. It works pretty well usually.
Anonymous says
Amanda Olusanya’s instructional videos on YouTube have been really helpful to me for family boys/men’s haircuts. If the issue is getting the kid to tolerate the haircut, may I suggest watching a show and Goldfish crackers.
Anonymous says
Do not use a lollipop for distraction. Lollipops are for after haircuts only–not during.
Anonymous says
This is a good tip. I can say from experience that bits of hair really stick to lollipops.
EDAnon says
Our center is closed and one of the teachers is going to babysit for us a few times this week (but a lot more than usual). It’d be probably 15-18 hours this week. At what point do I need to be concerned about laying her on the books?
We use daycare and a cleaning company so we have no household employees or experience with that.
CCLA says
The technical limit is if you pay them >$2400/year, then you are supposed to pay on the books. Of course many people don’t at even higher levels, but if you’re looking for an inflection point, that’s it.
Anon says
Not a lawyer but I believe it’s an annual minimum salary, but a pretty low one. Google says $2,400 for 2022. You probably won’t hit that in one or two weeks of part-time employment, but it’s something to keep in mind if it’s an ongoing thing.
EDAnon says
Thank you!
Anonymous says
I have a second interview later today and my makeup definitely says “here’s someone who hasn’t applied makeup in two years.” Fortunately, my interview is with two dudes so I don’t think they’ll notice.
Anon says
They will definitely not notice. Good luck!
AIMS says
I don’t think you can prevent anything with a school closure. Many parents can’t just work from home and many kids will end up at more risk outside of school (my kid actually had to quarantine after one of the school closures because she was exposed from her alternative care plan). I think a lot of people are very anxious (and I get it too!) but I think we are past the point of “let’s just all hunker down for a few weeks.” Obviously, if you’re immunocompromised that sucks and if you need to take extra precautions or miss school, I get that, but it’s just not a sustainable plan for any community overall.
I am just keeping my fingers crossed for an “easy covid” and trying to be optimistic and view this as the necessary next step to getting back to normal.
Anon says
Has anyone been to Florence with little kids? We are (fingers crossed) going for spring break in late March. We’re not going to have a packed itinerary since our main goal is eating pasta and gelato and drinking wine, and DH will give me some solo time for museums (he has no interest in them). But if anyone has recommendations for activities that might be fun for the whole family, I would love to hear.
Anony says
A truffle hunting tour would be fun with kids (there are cute dogs). We used this company, which picked us up in Florence. https://www.trufflehunter.net/
thumbs says
There was a post last week about how to get your 5-year-old to stop sucking his thumb at night. I didn’t see it until a few days later but wanted to follow up on this! Lots of people had good suggestions but I am curious — did your pediatrician suggest that they stop breaking the night time habit?
My 5-year-old is also a very intense thumb sucker her whole life (could actually see her doing it in utero in 3D ultrasounds) but since around age 2 she never does it outside of her own bed while falling asleep, or sometimes if she is alone in her room looking at book in the afternoon during her “rest time” she will suck her thumb then. At her 5-year-old well visit I asked the pediatrician about helping her to stop and she was very firm that I shouldn’t try to intervene as that can backfire, and since her teeth are fine and she only does it for maybe 30 cumulative minutes a day, it’s not a big deal. I basically took the pediatrician’s word for it but then when I read that post last week started worrying that maybe my pediatrician is too laid back about this and I should be helping her quit now, before she’s a 10 year old who is embarrassed to go to a sleepover because she can’t fall asleep without sucking her thumb!
Anonymous says
30 minutes a day is very different from all night.
thumbs says
I just was just using the 30 minutes as an approximation for the time it takes for her to fall asleep at night, or maybe to get back to sleep after waking in the middle of the night. I am not really checking but I assume once a person is asleep they are not actively sucking their thumbs anymore since they are asleep, but maybe I am wrong about that!
Anonymous says
There are definitely kids who suck their thumbs at all times while asleep, to the point where if the parent goes in and pulls the thumb out of the kid’s mouth the kid will put it back in without waking up. 30 minutes vs. 10-12 hours per day makes a huge difference in terms of the effect on teeth. These are the kids who find it impossible to stop without intervention–they can’t just will themselves to quit because they may not even know they are doing it.
Anon says
I don’t think any kid sucks their thumb all night. You can’t actively suck while you’re asleep and most likely the hand would completely fall out of their mouth as soon as they conk out. In my kid, it’s definitely a comfort mechanism that is used in the 5-10 minutes right before they fall asleep (but could potentially total ~30 minutes per day when you factor in naps and going back to sleep after night wakings).
thumbs says
yes, this is what I meant and is how I arrived at the 30 minute approximation.
AwayEmily says
Yeah 30 minutes a day seems like NBD, my kid was doing it a lot more intensely when we intervened. You could also ask your dentist, they are the ones that gently encouraged us to work on stopping (and to the dentist’s credit, it was not in an alarmist way, just in a “putting this on your radar” way).
Anon says
I’m also on team don’t worry about it, although my kid is only 4. Honestly, we’ve accepted that she’s going to need braces so dental issues don’t really concern us, and both our pediatrician and dentist are pretty chill about it. Her life has been totally upheaved because of the pandemic, and likely will be chaotic and weird for a while, and we had a lot of struggles with potty training, so I just can’t justify adding another stressor to her life right now. Social issues with sleepovers are a long way off, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Anon says
I sucked my thumb until I was 12. I also think already did it to fall asleep but I had enough self-control that I didn’t do it at sleepovers. I eventually quit because I needed braces (actually unrelated to my thumb sucking) and I didn’t want to mess up the orthodontics by sucking my thumb, so I quit cold turkey. It wasn’t a big deal and my family was always kind about it, which I am grateful for.
Anon says
Yeah I don’t know about 12 but I sucked my thumb until an embarrassingly old age and am glad my parents were gentle with me. It only makes sense to me to do something like the bitter nail polish if your kid wants to quit and is asking you for help.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I don’t know if this helps but my 5 year old still sucks his thumb when falling asleep (every night) and when he is having a meltdown as a calming technique, and often when he’s just zoning out in front of the TV or in the car. I don’t know how many minutes/hours that is. We’ve had varied dentist experiences – our first said we should start working on stopping it at age 2 (nope) and our current said around when he gets his adult teeth (he hasn’t lost a baby tooth yet). But the current dentist also said to not make this a battle. And my kid had a hard transition to K this year, on top of a freaking global pandemic, and he’s a sensitive intense kid, so we’ve kind of let this go for now. Not to say it doesn’t bother me, but it’s not a battle worth fighting right now. I know he will need braces regardless. As for sleepovers – we’re not there yet and kids can change a lot in a few years.
Rapid Tests PSA says
Since I know many of us are in MoCo: In case you didn’t hear, public libraries are handing out free rapid tests. Limit 2 per person, and there are different schedules for different branches. I just grabbed some from Silver Spring, they’re not even really in the library, just downstairs in the entry area by the elevators. You’ll be in and out in the time it takes to literally walk in and out.
Anon says
And if you’re in line 30 min before the time ends they guarentee you will get your two boxes.
Anon says
And for those of you who buy them, you can now use HSA and FSA money. A big win for me, considering I’ve now spent >$500 on these stupid things.