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I have heard so much about these facial cotton pads throughout the years. Now that I am upgrading my skincare routine, I am using products that necessitate or are applied/removed more efficiently with a tool. I invested in one of those egg-shaped beauty blender tools for my foundation, and I recently purchased these to remove eye makeup. I wear long-wear eyeliner, and I am using an oil-based cleanser around the eye area for full removal. When I went to Sephora.com recently, I noticed that they are selling a pack of 40 for $5 (or 165 for $12). I picked up a few for the women attending a Mother’s Day brunch as a little gift. Facial Cotton Mini-Deal Alert from Kat: I just saw that LK Bennett is closing all US stores so is having massive sales — and one of the top things we were going to recommend for Mother’s Day is on a pretty great discount at Amazon, the Nixplay WiFi Frame. This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!Sales of note for 4.18.24
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Cb says
Can we talk about the Good Dads article in the NY Times this weekend? I get frustrated with my husband when he doesn’t take initiative on household or parenting things (it would never occur to him to buy our child clothes) but the dads who don’t care about getting their child to sleep or school on time blew my mind. There is definitely learned incompetence at play here.
Anonymous says
Wow that article was rough. I read some of it aloud to my husband. Really want to figure out how to not raise my son to be like that.
Cb says
Right? I think modelling is really important. I’ve had a baby doll in my etsy shopping cart for ages and am pressing buy now.
Annie says
Yes – I’m more and more convinced that you mothers of sons are the only way we’re getting out of this morass.
Mama Llama says
I’m not sure I agree with this. I’m not sure how much you can parent your way out of an entire culture. (I mean, god knows I’m trying, but I’m the biggest body positive feminist there is and my 3 year old daughter once had a lengthy meltdown about not being as pretty as a disney princess.)
Annie says
Oh agreed. We also need to smash the patriarchy.
aelle says
Gloria Steinem said it – “I’m glad we’ve begun to raise our daughters more like our sons — but it will never work until we raise our sons more like our daughters.” There is still such a tolerance, a reward even in some circles, of incompetence and ignorance of traditionally female skills.
GCA says
And fathers of sons…
Boston Legal Eagle says
I do think that modeling a good, equal relationship at home is important, for parents of both girls and boys. That’s the first and most dominant relationship they will see, and I think (hope) it will inspire who they are as adults. I always had the sense that my parents were more or less equal and there was no notion that mom has to take on all the housework and childcare, so I don’t really have that expectation of myself as a mother now. Yes, of course, I can see how it’s a greater societal expectation, but I also know that there is nothing gendered about parenting and that a lot of it is propaganda mostly to keep women out of power. We might not be able to take on the whole patriarchy but we can start at home.
Anonymous says
DH and I had this conversation. It would never occur to him to buy our kids clothes because *i* do it. If I were not around, the kids would not have clothes that fit and then he would buy some. Would he bargain shop like I do? Doubt it (at least not at first). He’d take them all to Nordstrom one weekend, blow $3k in one go for it 3 kids, then realize perhaps next time he should plan ahead.
Would all the paperwork get in on time? Defiantly not. But then he’d end up driving the kids tos chop because they don’t have bus passes, or sitting in the bus pass office begging for leniency, and lo and behold, next time the forms will get in on time.
DH is generally a competent human being, and is very successful professionally. It would take him some time but I have no doubt he could make it work.
There are far, far less competent people out there in the world (moms and dads) and they make it work.
Cb says
So true! I think the message there is probably to transfer responsibility and let people face the consequences for their mistakes.
Anon-nah-nah says
I agree with this, but the problem is, most people (mothers?) aren’t doing this at the expense of their kids. I certainly am not. Ugh. I hate this.
anon says
This. FWIW, I’m in a same-sex relationship, but many of the same dynamics are at play.
Pogo says
“transfer responsibility and let people face the consequences for their mistakes.” That’s the only way to do it.
Anon4This says
Wow. My relationship isn’t perfect, but I can’t imagine DH not caring about DS bedtime and getting him to school on time. That seems pretty baseline. A lot of this stuff I have definitely seen in friends’ marriages and will have to try to keep an eye and make sure it doesn’t creep into mine, even with a helpful, mindful partner. DH works longer hours by nature of his work, so I do shoulder a more substantial piece of parenting/home stuff.
A few weekends ago, a friend and I were going to a local brewery to hang out with friends. She brought her daughter along to the brewery while her husband stayed home for the sole reason that “If she [daughter] stays back they’ll just stay inside and make video calls or watch TV, and I want her to be OUT.” Fair enough. This is also a friend that is constantly tired, overwhelmed, and “never has any time” for anything. This article is one I hope makes it her way…
Anon says
Can we talk about things we can do to even out the imbalance? We can’t change our husbands, but we can change ourselves. Some things I have tried over the last few years that have helped:
1. Don’t do anything that I know he will eventually do (in our case it is things like making the bed, buying our kids Christmas and birthday gifts, throwing dirty dishes in the sink)
2. Outsource as much as humanly possible
3. Make a list of tasks and divy up – so he is always responsible for taking out the trash and I am always responsible for the dishwasher, etc.
Mama Llama says
I have always liked this article about concrete strategies. https://www.hermoney.com/connect/family/how-to-parent-equally-when-you-both-work-full-time/
anon says
Your #1 has been helpful in our marriage. I prefer to do the dirty dishes before we go to bed, but I’ve learned that if I just leave them there, spouse will do them in the morning because spouse is responsible for prepping breakfast for the kids. Where this gets hard is things like childcare for school breaks, because “eventually” may be too late to get spots, and then somehow I’m the one who gets stuck holding the bag (yes, I realize this is another thing that needs to change!).
CPA Lady says
We had a huge conversation about taking initiative in household tasks/emotional labor a few years back. At the time my husband was really defensive, but I can tell that the seeds that conversation planted have really made him examine and change his behavior. During this conversation, we did a major split up of household tasks, but there have been ongoing new things he’ll notice and pick up.
Whenever something happens that I can tell he’s wanting to do because of that conversation, the biggest thing for me is letting go of the need to control the situation. It turns out that I’m way more controlling than I thought I was. And so when he offers to take the kid to a birthday party and is also willing to take kid to target to buy a present for the party, I just have to say yes, even if the present is not something I would have picked, or if I feel like it says something about me as a mother when this is the third birthday party in a row that I have not gone to. Of if the xmas presents he buys for his family are late, that is not a reflection on me. I have to develop a level of comfort with my discomfort.
I feel like modern motherhood is a huge public performance, and stepping away from that is uncomfortable, but has made my life better, so I just keep pushing through the discomfort.
SC says
+1 to modern motherhood being a huge public performance, and being able to step back.
DH is mostly a SAHD who also does part-time, flexible work. He is, for obvious reasons, the primary parent. He seems much more OK with imperfection than I would. He doesn’t feel like the world is judging him for the gift our child gives for a birthday present, or whether the house is clean, or how our kid is behaving in the grocery store. And actually, the world isn’t judging him for any of those things. The world gives dads a HUGE benefit of the doubt if they even bother to show up, and he gets huge smiles and major compliments for being such a great dad from perfect strangers just because he takes our kid to the grocery store. (He is a great dad, but that’s not why.)
I don’t know how to bring about systemic change, but my kid says things like, “When I grow up, I’m going to be a mommy so I can go to work,” and, in a different mood, “When I grow up, I’m going to be a daddy so I can cook.” That seems like progress on a scale of 1.
Pogo says
This is so spot on.
Walnut says
Husband and I commit to using a shared Trello board and our family Google calendar which we overlay on our Outlook calendars. If something is on either of our minds as a to do, it gets added to the Trello list. Adding tasks like “Get out 3T summer clothes for Kid” to the list helps give visibility to my mental list, which is usually those small things that help out house.
Also, most importantly, we don’t micromanage tasks the other person is taking on.
EB0220 says
I’m a big fan of shared Trello boards for the same reason. At least then everyone sees what everyone else is doing.
Sarabeth says
This isn’t something that you can necessarily implement in your own life, but the hands-down most important thing in my relationship is that I travel more than my husband, sometimes for 10 days or more at a time. He has had no choice but to figure things out…and he has done fine. Sure, he doesn’t parent exactly how I would, but the kids are happy and healthy. And this morning, he was the one who called me to remind me to sign the teacher thank-you cards at daycare drop-off.
GCA says
My first reaction to the op-ed was ‘more of the same – so much hand-wringing, so little concrete advice on how to bring about real, systemic change’.
But yeah, a sense of urgency is just not a thing sometimes. There’s a reason I do most of the weeknight cooking, and it’s only 75% because I enjoy it; my husband’s sense of time and urgency completely vanishes when it comes to preparing food (but somehow, only in this one domain), and I am left wrangling a hangry toddler and a baby who needs to be put to bed in the next 45 minutes or else. And yet when I come home from a work trip everyone seems pretty well-fed and well-rested. I’m fairly certain PB&Js were involved in there somewhere, but solo parenting is hard on everyone. I’m also fine with this because we’ve otherwise achieved a happy medium (nobody’s perfect, and that includes me!).
It’s when men’s absence of responsibility extends across household domains and spans a large part of the relationship that it becomes a problem. I’ve seen numerous female friends get divorced because they’re almost better off without a partner who doesn’t pull his own weight.
anon says
Hah, I’m like your husband. DH does all the cooking, but he travels a decent amount, and I’m always texting him things like “is bread and jam enough for dinner?” (In case you’re wondering, if you add some milk and baby carrots, then it beats McDonalds.)
We have our zones, and pretty much we stick to them. He cooks, I pack lunch.
Butter says
We have a balanced situation – if anything, DH is the primary parent – and while I’m not sure all that we did to get here, I can share a few things that I think helped. Since I breastfed, we decided that I was in charge of input, he was in charge of output (all diaper changes when he was home/with kid, managing the diaper bag when we were out, making sure we had supplies, etc.). Likewise I didn’t really deal with bottles – I handled what went in them, he handled cleaning them. Because I did the bedtime feeding for the first year and a half, he handled bedtime for the next year and a half. He handles all scheduling for doctor’s appointments, dentist, etc., I handle activity class sign-ups, we take turns going or go together. We mostly split laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, but each have our own areas of excellence. I do think my tolerance for getting “the short end of the stick” (from the article) is pretty low, but I’m often surprised it’s that much lower than other moms I know when people comment on our set-up.
Redux says
My DH is also the primary parent owing to the nature of our jobs– he works locally while I have an hour commute; he has much more control of his own schedule while I work in a more traditional office job with facetime requirements, etc. DH does all the daycare drop off and pickup, he does almost all of the grocery shopping and meal preparation, and almost all the diapering (we cloth diaper, so it’s a lot of laundry). I do all the activity sign ups, doctor’s appointments, kid’s clothing shopping/season swapping, and trip planning. Laundry, dishes, and other household chores are split pretty 50/50.
I am constantly surprised by how people comment on our setup. I get told frequently that I am “so lucky.” In some ways comments like this make me really defensive– no one tells him he is lucky! But also it makes me feel really confused and sad. How do families where both parents work end up in these terribly unequal situations? My tolerance for the “short of end of the stick” is low, too, I guess, but I also feel like I sacrifice a lot for our set up (see, e.g., my less-than-ideal work situation for his dream job, etc.).
Anon says
We have a lot of the same elements – input/output when they were babies, he owns all meal prep and groceries and dr appts, I mow the lawn, etc. It feels pretty even overall, although with two full time jobs we have to flex which one of us is the primary parent at any given stretch of time.
And yes I hate the “so lucky” comments, which only ever come to me. No, we’re both lucky to have found a partner who is willing to put in the hard work to make this arrangement work. His life isn’t possible without me, and vice versa.
Two months into my first maternity leave, we had a frank conversation right before I went back to work. His work is very male-oriented with many SAHWs, so I knew the type of comments he’d get and the culture he was going to be immersed in. I’m 100% willing and able to divorce him if he isn’t making my life easier. I have zero desire to “parent” my husband. If I ever heard of him TOLERATING that kind of behavior in his earshot, I’d leave him. I am not okay with being the punching bag or the arm candy even in a hypothetical joke, and I’m not okay being married to the kind of guy who laughs that off about any other woman, and he knew this about me before we got married or have kids.
Yes, I’m a hardass, and I’m sure his colleagues call me worse names. Doesn’t matter. My kids (boy and girl) will see this partnership, will know it’s possible with hard work and resisting the current cultural norms, and will hopefully aim for some version of it for themselves.
anon says
Yeah, my BIL scoffed at the idea that my DH handles all diaper changes to the extent he is available. Meanwhile, I cannot believe that my BIL & his wife take turns at diaper changes — as in turn to each other and debate who did the last one (for the child that his wife carried, birthed via c section, and nurses…but otherwise I guess it would not be fair in his mind?).
anon says
some of the things in the article were ridiculous to me, but the general sentiment is definitely true in our household. DH is in charge of washing and making bottles when he is home. Yet I often have to prompt him to do so. I suppose I could not do that, but then I also have to listen to our screaming twins while they wait for their bottles. Their crying does not seem to bother him as much as me, but i do A LOT of solo parenting and to me one of the perks of having him around should be a lot less crying. If I wasn’t there to remind him, I think our twins would sit around crying waiting and that would make me sad to think about. on a related note, one of DH’s few household responsibilities is paying our rent and when it is paid late we are charged a fee. well, for May he paid our rent late again. I view the late fee as literally throwing $ in the garbage. In his family growing up, his parents frequently paid bills late. Not bc they didn’t have enough $ (he had a SAHM, full time help), but because they would rather pay a $100 late fee than have to deal with the ‘stress’ of having an organizational system that would allow them to make timely payments. They were just so disorganized. I really do not want to also take on this responsibility in our house, but I am tired of throwing our $ away on late fees. Does anyone have any ideas?
Redux says
Autopay changed our life. For a much, much smaller fee than a late fee, your bank will send a check on your behalf (often a wire transfer).
Em says
+1 my credit union does it for free. They will also stop payment on the original check and reissue a check at no extra charge if there is ever an issue.
anon says
I haven’t read the article yet, but it’s hard to equally parent at home if one person works 60 hours a week and the other works 20. It only seems fair that work + bulk of home/parenting duties fall to the person that doesn’t work outside the home as much. I know we talk a lot about splitting things evenly on this forum, but I feel like that onyl makes sense if you work equal amounts.
Anony says
I resonate with your statement, “The crying does not seem to bother him as much as it does me.”
My husband also does not respond quickly when our baby is crying. It’s infuriating. I think that responding promptly to your child’s cries of distress (unless sleep training or having some other purposeful strategy) should be some sort of minimal standard, and I’m sad to find out that this is not an ingrained response in all dads, including my husband. It’s pretty amazing.
Walnut says
Eh, this isn’t just a dude thing. My kid crying for a few minutes while I finish something up is not a problem in my mind. My husband is more sensitive to it, so it’s something that we are perpetually trying to find balance on.
NYCer says
Same here.
anony says
This part of the article is so true: “The expectation among my male friends is still that they will have the life they had before having kids.” Here’s one example of that: we had our first baby this year, and my husband lamented the fact that he “only” got to go skiing eight days this year. Each of those days, I was at home alone with our baby and felt like I was doing him a big favor so that he could go have fun, while he felt like he was getting much less than what he expected out of the ski season and did not thank me profusely for my repeated sacrifice at all. His view of the situation was that he should have been able to ski much more, while I thought he was lucky to go at all, given our circumstances. Bummer all around. There’s no way to convince someone they should be grateful.
shortperson says
sadly this sounds not surprising at all. in that situation i would either (or both): hire a babysitter for a half-day during his ski day and go do something fun (or sigh, with my current job, work) or schedule 8ish other full days that get me away. two girls weekends, day concert with friends, etc.
Anonymous says
I’d get a divorce. I couldn’t stand being married to a man who wanted to spend 8 days skiing away from our family. Atrocious values.
anony says
I think it’s funny how quickly people on this board suggest getting a divorce. But I do appreciate your outrage on my behalf!
Skiing for him is a source of adventure and personal fulfillment. It’s not like he’s gambling in Las Vegas and going on a bender. His values aren’t that bad. He just doesn’t appreciate the burden it places on me. I don’t think he’s that unusual in that way. I think, as the article points out, that many men expect to live the same lifestyle as they did before having kids.
Spirograph says
I think you are the same anon who makes a comment like this every time someone expresses a desire (on their part, or on their partner’s part) to do something other than hang out with their family all day every day, and it always disappoints me. It is not “atrocious values” to want to take time for yourself. Even 8 days during ski season, even a solo vacation. The problem arises when the two partners have a mismatch as to what is acceptable and/or aren’t communicating their own needs.
Not trying to blame anony above, but it sounds like she needs to be more clear that these ski days aren’t OK with her, or she needs to take her own time. No one gets points for being a martyr! Finding this balance is part of the growing pains of being new parents. I used to be resentful of my husband taking time for his hobbies, and out of spite, I eventually said he had kid duty so I could do XYZ things by myself to “get even.” He was totally supportive of that, I just hadn’t tried to take the time away because of my own internalized expectations for performing motherhood. We’re both happier when we make time for solo hobbies and friends.
Anonymous says
No I’ve never commented about this before!
Redux says
I took a 4-day beach trip with my girlfriends when my kids were 1 and 4. Divorce me, I dare you! For real though, it was so restorative and the time away rejuvenated me. I am a better parent and partner for it (and for every other thing I do to take care of myself). Same goes for my husband. The difference of course is that we are on the same page about it. Sounds like the thread-OP was not on the same page with her husband about his ski trip. The problem is not the fact of the trip, but the communication surrounding it.
CPA Lady says
One of the most important things that I wish I would have realized sooner after becoming a mom is that I am responsible for asking for what I want in an open, direct, and honest way. Not hinting. Not expecting mind reading. Not boiling with resentment. Not drinking wine every night to numb my anger. Not waiting around for DH to get a clue.
I am not responsible for controlling what my husband wants or demanding that he wants something different. I am only responsible for thinking “what unmet needs do I have that would help me live a life free from resentment and martyrdom?”
In our situation, DH tells me what he wants, I tell him what I want, and we either make it happen, or we don’t, depending on the circumstances. And sometimes we don’t want equal time away from the family (he’s more of a home-body), but as long as we’re both generally getting our needs met, we’re a lot happier and more willing to make things happen for each other.
I think it’s totally fine for your husband to want to go skiing for 8 days a year. It’s fine that he wants to go skiing more than that and he’s bummed that he can’t. I’m guessing that you probably would be okay with that too if you felt like you were getting what you wanted for yourself.
Unfortunately, it’s unlikely to happen unless you ask for it directly. I was really angry about having to do that for a long time, until I finally got over myself and started asking for what I wanted and my husband started making it happen. I also had a lot of guilt about not wanting to spend every second together as a family, but in retrospect I think it’s really healthy to still have hobbies and interests outside of your baby.
CPA Lady says
^ that said, if you tell your husband what you want and he doesn’t give it to you, but still expects you to make sure his needs are met, then yeah, counseling or possibly divorce. I’m just going into this assuming good-but-clueless dude. If he’s always been an inconsiderate @$$, that’s different.
shortperson says
i think this is all great advice. i refer anyone who wants to read more to the book “how to not hate your husband after having kids” which mirrors and expands on this advice.
i think for many people married to “good” dads as profiled in the article (obviously not talking about abuse etc), divorce may be a fair response to an abdication of duties but it would not actually help the situation. in many ways it would make it much worse. so working with what you have is much more practical. for me, the main solution is to hire help than i think is “fair.”
TheElms says
How do you not nag after you have divided the responsibilities? Two examples: I cook and he does dishes. I meal plan and grocery shop and he does laundry. What happens: On Friday, I cooked dinner that we both ate. It was pasta with sausage/onion/red sauce and a side of green beans, so there were about three pots, a chopping board, knives and spoons from prep, and then our personal dishes. I think during the course of cooking I carried a couple things over and put them in the dishwasher because it was just sort of normal to do so and and after dinner I put my own dishes in the dishwasher. Come Saturday night nothing of his or the pots and pans had made it into the dishwasher, so I asked if he could please do the dishes. I think his bowl and utensils made it in that night but none of the pots. Sunday morning I was making myself some breakfast so I needed to wash a pot to use it and after I finished with it I just washed it because it wasn’t very dirty and took less than a minute to do. Sunday afternoon I ask again if he can please finish the dishes. Monday morning rolls around and they have been washed but nothing put away. In the meantime the dishwasher had filled up so I ran it and asked him to unload it which he did. How do I get him to do the whole task? We’ve talked about what a complete task entails and he’s not stupid but it just doesn’t seem to stick at all and I have no idea why. If I don’t remind him the dishes would easily sit for 1-2 weeks (I’ve tried in the past).
Similarly with laundry, he collects the clothes but never remembers to get the towels, hand towels from the kitchen or downstairs powder room unless reminded and even if reminded he often doesn’t remember. Again I’ve tried no reminding and the towels won’t get washed for a month. I’ve tried getting out new towels and throwing the dirty ones in the basket and often he doesn’t get to them so the following week there are then no clean towels at all. Is there a different way of approaching this? I don’t like to be a nag, but I don’t see an alternative unless I can just accept certain things not happening which I don’t think I can.
IHeartBacon says
I don’t know the answer to your question. It’s one that I struggle with every day of my life. For my husband, my nagging is his barometer. To him, if I haven’t nagged yet, that means the situation hasn’t gotten bad enough yet to force him into action.
Emily S. says
I wish I had an answer! This is sometimes the situation in my house, too. True story: friend asked DH to put the clean sheets on the bed (she had striped the bed, put sheets in washer, put sheets in dryer.) He took them out of the dryer, dropped them on the dirty floor, and actually stepped on them for 2 days before she just washed them again and did it herself. In my house and hers, nagging just doesn’t seem to work and we’re the ones that eventually own it. (My favorite: “Yeah, I’ll do it, just remind me.” This.is.the.reminder.)
lsw says
I bought a set of reusable circle pads like these on etsy I think, and they have been awesome. I still keep some disposables on hand for traveling, but I absolutely love the reusable ones for daily use. I use for applying toner, etc. and also eye and lip makeup remover. They clean beautifully. I toss them in the wash in a lingerie bag so they don’t get lost.
Mama Llama says
Me too, and I love them. I also use them to remove nail polish (very infrequently), which has left them stained but still perfectly usable.
lsw says
That’s a great tip! I hadn’t thought about that.
Anonymous says
Can you post a link? I want something like this.
Mama Llama says
These are the ones I have: https://www.etsy.com/listing/187314262/hemp-facial-cleansing-rounds-pads?ref=shop_home_feat_2&frs=1
lsw says
Looks like I actually bought mine on the river store. JS Designs Studio is the seller, and they are called Bamboo Fleece Reusable Makeup Remover Pads. $13.99 and eligible for Prime.
anon says
I love my reusable cotton rounds! They feel much better on my face than the disposable ones.
rosie says
Would this be a possible repurpose for reusable nursing pads? Or maybe they are too absorbent?
Mama Llama says
Mine are significantly smaller and thinner than my reusable nursing pads.
HSAL says
I tried it recently after a similar conversation here and wasn’t a fan – they were too absorbent.
rosie says
Ok, thanks for saving me the hassle!
Anonymous says
The royal baby is coming!!
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! Been so excited for this.
Anonymous says
It’s a boy!!!!!
CPAP experience? says
My husband is getting a CPAP machine today – any thoughts on what to expect as the bed-sharer? I’m actually hopeful that him sleeping better will improve my sleep as well. Is that too optimistic? Thanks!
Mama Llama says
LITERALLY LIFE-CHANGING. Sorry for the all-caps, but my husband getting a CPAP is one of the best things ever for both my sleep and our relationship.
octagon says
Can you share a little more? My DH recently got one but doesn’t like to use it. He tends to roll over a lot and says that it’s uncomfortable. We are clearly still in the adjustment/introduction phase. How long did it take him to get used to it?
Mama Llama says
It definitely took a couple of months and trying out a couple different styles of masks for him to get used to it. He would only keep it on for part of the night at first, but if I could fall asleep at the beginning of the night, snoring later wouldn’t usually wake me. He was good about following up with the sleep clinic when the first couple masks didn’t work for him. (He was extra motivated because I was pregnant at the time and his snoring was significantly impacting my sleep.) This was several years ago, and now he has gotten used to staying on his back and wears it all night. The exception is if he has a cold or bad allergies in which case he finds it too uncomfortable to wear and goes to sleep in the guest bed.
Anon says
I wear a cpap and was already seeing a hypnotist for an unrelated issue. When I told her I was getting a cpap, she added some stuff into my hypnosis routine re: the mask being comfortable and helping me sleep. I slept through the night with the mask on from day one. I really think the hypnosis helped a ton.
MCM says
My husband got one two years ago and although the apnea isn’t completely gone, our lives are much better for it. My biggest surprise was that he is really self-conscious about having to wear it. He waits until he turns his lamp off at night to put it on, takes it off early in the morning before I’m awake, that type of thing. It’s subtle, but I definitely notice. He makes comments along the lines of having to be “hooked up to a machine”. I’m very appreciative that he got it. It’s just been a bit of a trigger for him.
Mothers Day Flower Project says
I posted on Friday about giving a card to moms and MILS that says in lieu of giving them flowers, they were donated to a shelter and someone asked where we donate. We are Jewish and give through JWI (Jewish Women International) but the flowers don’t go to a religious organization as far as I know.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
For those of you who used them, how long did your kids sleep in a pack-and-play? Referring to the basic bottom portion, not the newborn/changing pieces that some of the models have.
DS is 17 months, bigger/taller than average, but is sleeping fine in his PnP. Would like to keep him in it as long as possible, just wondering what the later end typically is age-wise. Hoping he doesn’t figure out how to climb out of it soon…
Anonymous says
We only use PNP’s when traveling or when we put the kids to bed at a friend’s house, but we’re at 2+ and have no plans to stop using them anytime soon… I do have friends of taller kids who outgrew them by 3, though.
Anonymous says
My 18 month daughter sleeps in one every night. I also plan to keep it going as long as possible.
SC says
We only used the PNP when we put the kid to bed at a friend’s house or a grandparent’s house. For a while, that was really easy for us to do. Then around 20 months, Kiddo screamed bloody murder through a dinner at our friend’s house, and that was the end of staying at a friend’s house past bedtime. Around 24 months, we tried again at my parents’ house and put the PNP in my dad’s study. Kiddo stood up in the PNP and pulled all the books off the bottom two shelves of my dad’s bookshelf. He slept fine on a small blow-up mattress.
octagon says
We used one on our 2.5-yo for vacation last year. He liked it, though, and never tried to climb out.
Anonymous says
Mine could climb out of the crib around the same time she could climb out of the PnP, so I wouldn’t necessarily buy a crib if you don’t already have one. By the time your kid outgrows the PnP, it may be time for a bed.
OP says
Thanks, all! We never bought a crib, so PnP until we cannot it is. Good to know kids were in it until close to age 3 in some cases. We have PnP at each grandparent house and travel with a Guava Lotus, and DS so far has been fine in all of these.
Besides if/when he figures out how to climb out, my other worry is about the PnP falling over when DS stands up and shakes the side, but….time will tell.
Personal Money Snapshot says
I don’t go to the main site often and just found the personal money snapshot series:
https://corporette.com/category/personal-money-snapshot/
I’d love to see some c-parents submit to this! I was blown away by the poster who saves $4500/month, and then I thought, hmm, we spend $3500/month on childcare alone so not that far off. (Of course, we didn’t save $3500/month before we had children, so the OP’s discipline is commendable!) Anyway, would love to see an honest picture of other families’ finances.
EB says
This is a great idea because non-parents probably don’t think about how much your savings changes after you have kids. We were the same – we saved $5K/month pre-kid (on 2 salaries) and now it’s nothing like that. Do it while you can!!!
Anonymous says
If you include retirement savings, we save about $8k per month. We only have one child and live in a LCOL area though, so daycare is $1200/month and our mortgage is $1300.
anon says
I have 10.5 month old twins. This weekend DH and I started talking about what to do for the first bday and I just got so sad. I dealt with some pretty terrible PPD/PPA for the first 6 months of their lives and I just feel like i missed their whole lives. I have a close friend who just had a baby and I can’t help but feeling jealous when I see all of the nice pictures she has taken in the first week of her baby’s life. I was just looking back and we have so few pictures of me with the kids over the past 10.5 months, let alone from the first week. DH and I are definitely not having any more kids and it’s hard to come to terms with the fact that i’ll never have a baby to snuggle again. Looking at her pictures, things look so peaceful and while i know a picture can be deceiving, our lives were SO chaotic at the beginning. Her DH has a month off from work ( mine had a week), her parents are here for two weeks and we were going to the NICU every day to visit our twin who was still there. Did anyone else have any of those bittersweet feelings as they approached their kid’s first bday?
anon says
I dealt with some ppd that resurged around DD’s first birthday. Like you, we had a stressful nicu stay followed by months of doctor’s visits that eventually culminated in a diagnosis for a genetic condition. I was mad that whole first year and as her first birthday got closer, I got more upset about it – about the missed milestones, about how behind we were, about how it was stressful and not blissful. At the time, I didn’t want to have a birthday party but my parents basically threw one for DD anyway, which I’m glad they did. So know you aren’t alone but also don’t put too much pressure on yourself. You’re doing great however it looks for you.
Anonymous says
Twins are HARD!! I didn’t have PPD, my two were only in the NICU for 1.5 weeks, and they were pretty easy as babies go, but I still barely remember anything about their first few months. We’re also probably done at 2 kids and both of us do lament not having any more baby snuggles or having the experience of enjoying just a single newborn and not the chaos of two at once, so you’re not alone.
That being said, toddler twins are the best! Mine are 2 now and I LOVE watching them interact. They bring each other special toys when one is sad, share snacks, have whole conversations just the two of them, “read” each other books, and many other adorable things. Yes, they also sometimes fight and bite, but most of the time I look at them and am so glad they have a sister and are getting to grow up with someone just their age as a playmate.
I guess my point is that infant twins are hard and I think a lot of us feel like we missed out on that “special baby stage” because we were overwhelmed with two newborns (and it’s totally okay to be a little bit sad about that!) but there are also a lot of really special things to look forward to as your twins grow up.
anon says
Oh my gosh, you need to unfollow your friend right now. Don’t make comparisons to her. She has her life, you have yours. I had to unfollow my SIL because I felt similarly – her photos were cuter, she makes it look easy, etc.
What about getting a professional photo shoot of you, your husband, and twins for their birthday?
OP says
well i am going to visit her and her new baby tomorrow. and we had a first bday shoot done yesterday
rosie says
So glad you got the bday shoot done! I was going to suggest that.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
You have been through so much! Not only the pregnancy and childbirth part (and of twins!), but the emotional pieces of a complex delivery and the newborn phases. I think if anything, take the 1st birthday to celebrate how far you have come as a person, parent, and couple.
I also had my own rough time with the newborn phase, even without the NICU visits and with my Mom and then MIL staying with us, but I struggled a lot. I had a friend with a baby almost a year older than mine, and whenever I’d ask her anything she’d just be like (paraphrased) “Oh well…that was easy for me”. I had to distance myself emotionally. Later realized she was full of sh*t, but between her and then social media, I slipped into the habit of compare-and-despair – people were doing more cute family outings, fun photo sessions, their babies were gaining weight WAY faster than mine, etc. etc. I ended up going inactive on social media and that has helped a lot, too.
Also – for me – I really have enjoyed DS as he’s grown. I didn’t love the newborn/infant stage as much as I’ve loved the 1 year plus. I know the toddler years are tough and tantrums abound, but I like being able to actually do things with DS (e.g. library, park, out to eat), etc. and have him engage. There was a great comment thread about this a while back and many of the posters here echoed how they preferred everything AFTER the infant year. So I’m wishing for you that the best is forthcoming!
anon says
Hugs. I found my twins’ first birthday to be really, really tough, even without some of the additional challenges you’re facing. I was coming to terms with the fact that they were no longer “babies,” and their “babyhood” hadn’t been what I pictured before becoming a parent. At the same time, I was furious that I still had two babies who could not walk, talk, or feed themselves and were wholly dependent on me.
Also, you just can’t compare your experience to what parents of a singleton are doing! I remember feeling furious when other moms in my parent group were meeting up for daytime movies while I was trapped at home under my Twin Z nursing pillow. It’s not fair, and some feelings of bitterness are completely normal. It will get better as they get older, but in my experience, those feelings haven’t completely gone away.
just Karen says
My kid is 4.5 and I *still* have bittersweet feelings about missing what I always thought would be such an amazing period of my life…and ended p being my own personal hell. Between NICU, PPD, and retained placenta discovered more than three weeks postpartum requiring sudden surgery a week after my daughter came home from NICU…and my daughter being a baby that didn’t sleep… it was traumatic. And I am so very envious of others. You are not alone, but it also doesn’t have to be this bad. When you are able, I highly recommend counseling to get to a better place (not “over it”, but a better place). I know you have two infants and time is precious, but many counseling services will do Skype now, which is better than nothing.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
+1 – to counseling — Talkspace really, really helped me during DS first year.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I want to commend you for recognizing and treating your PPD/PPA. That is one of the hardest and best things you can do for your kids, regardless of how many pictures you took or how many social media posts you did. There are a million moments that are not captured or posted about life with a newborn, so those pictures only tell a tiny portion of that mom’s story. Unfollow anyone who makes you feel bad and just keep the friends who will support you.
I don’t have twins so take this for what it is, but I was going through a lot of anxiety after my first was born. The moments I remember most about those first few months was a lot of crying and general dread about the future. I started seeing a therapist and taking medication and now, with my second, the post partum experience is so much different. I feel sad that I wasn’t able to enjoy the baby snuggles and sweet moments as much with my first, but all I can do is move forward and acknowledge that I was in a bad place and that I took steps to treat this. You have a lot of their lives left and I hope you know that you’re doing the best you can for them.
OP says
glad it is going better for you second time around! this is part of what makes me sad – there will not be a second chance for me
SC says
I just want to say that the newborn months were really hard for me and my husband. The whole first year was hard. I think it’s pretty hard for everyone, no matter what they say or how good their photos look. I looked at the first birthday party as a celebration of “we survived” and looking forward to the rest of Kiddo’s life.
Also, DH and I love to host and entertain and hadn’t really been able to do that the first year, so we went all out and invited the whole family. You certainly don’t have to do that (and your kids will never remember), but for us, it felt like getting back to “us.”
shortperson says
i also viewed the first bday as a celebration of our survival as parents. so we threw a big party. with our babies it has just gotten better every year since babyhood and i hear that with twins the acceleration in life quality is much more dramatic. your work this year has given your babies the foundation they need for wonderful childhoods that you will enjoy much more than this difficult phase.
rosie says
+1 to first birthday as a huge milestone for the parents
anne-on says
+a million. The first birthday party is to celebrate that the baby is healthy (hopefully!!), well cared for, and that you made it through this very difficult transition together. The later birthday parties are for the kiddo, but that one truly felt like a ‘can you believe we made it?!?!’ celebration to us.
Anonymous says
I’m not sure I had bittersweet feelings, but i definitely felt like I had been through a war after the first year (not to make light of actual wars). We didn’t even do a first birthday party because we were in the thick of it still. The good news is that year 1-2 was completely enjoyable and fun, and we just had a great second birthday party for our daughter. I was actually mourning the end of the past year because she’s been at such a fun age.
FWIW most twin moms I know refer to the first 6 months of their babies lives as actually traumatic. Usually a difficult pregnancy followed by round the clock feedings and zero sleep.
June says
Aww, yes I also had those feelings. I also had a preemie who had a NICU stay and barely took any milestone photos. I also think I may we one and done so I knew this maybe my only baby. There was a rough patch after the 1st birthday, but then we got into a phase that I really loved and I wouldn’t want to go back to those earlier days! It is fun to watch them learn and grow after a year and become their own person.
OP says
Thank you to everyone for your comments! Glad to know that there are others who have felt this way too (well not actually glad, bc I would not want anyone to ever have a hard time, but makes me feel less alone) I’m in therapy and on meds, and am generally doing much much better, but the combo of realizing they will be one kind of soon + my friend having a baby kind of set me off.
IHeartBacon says
You’re not alone! I don’t have twins, but I really struggled with the first year, and as a result I don’t have a lot of photos of my LO. I also have virtually no photos of the two of us together. Whenever I look at the few photos I have of our first 6 months together, they make me so sad because it reminds me of how dark that period of time was for me.
Chicago Suburbs? says
My husband is considering a job in the Chicago suburbs near Lemont. We live in a LCOL city in the south and know next-to-nothing about Chicago suburbs. We’re taking a trip to visit in a few weeks and are considering Wheaton, Lisle, Downers Grove, Glen Ellyn, Carol Stream and Naperville – based on very basic research. Can anyone share their experiences or recommendations? I’d also appreciate daycare recommendations (we’re at a national chain now). For suburb selection, we’re looking for safety, good elementary schools, and a reasonable (30 mins) commute to Lemont. I’ll likely be working remote for the foreseeable future. TIA.
CHL says
Welcome! I live in Oak Park and grew up in the Western suburbs. My sister lives in Naperville and my parents and some other family live in Wheaton. All of these places are very “suburban” and would be maybe 40 minutes to Chicago on a Metra train. Naperville is a great place to raise kids (schools, parks, activities) but it is huge, which some people like, some people don’t like. Wheaton especially is considered very conservative, kind of related to presence of Wheaton College. Glen Elyn is a little “fancier.” My general impression is that Wheaton and GE would have more SAHMs compared to Naperville, but there are probably a lot in all 3. I’m not sure of daycares, but if you land somewhere, post here again. Home daycares are a big thing depending on age, or nannies that might take your kid to part-time pre-k. Good luck!
Anon says
I live in the NW suburbs and visit friends in Downers Grove and Naperville often. It’s a good area. Downers Grove seems to be going through a hot moment for newlyweds and young parents right now – it’s on a relatively quick train to the city, has good schools, and a cute downtown area.
National chain daycares are big here too, my kids go to one in our town and we’ve been pretty happy. Home daycares are big, but that means they can be pretty selective and very hit-and-miss. It’s hard to recommend unless you have a pretty specific area in mind. You’re going to find Bright Horizons and KinderCare at multiple locations in each suburb, for example. There’s also a The Mommy Districts facebook group for all of Chicago land – you’re looking in District 10 so join that group for advice as well. Once you narrow your search to a specific town, find the local moms group on Facebook and post there for recommendations. Most of those groups are pretty active and will have lots of opinions.
Westmont says
I grew up in Westmont and have friends and family in those areas still and agree with the previous posters. Downers Grove is a little more interesting and a little less wealthy than Naperville. Glen Ellyn is neat but pricey. Wherever you end up I encourage you to get into Chicago and help your kids feel comfortable navigating the train and public transit – it’s an amazing city and not terribly far but MANY people I grew up with only went in once or twice a year for a baseball game and that’s such a missed opportunity. When I was little my parents took me to the museums, lakefront, and just to walk around different neighborhoods so by the time I was in high school I was comfortable going on my own or with friends to concerts, out to eat, or to special dance classes and I really benefited from those experiences as I grew up and moved on.
anon says
This morning DH got mad at me bc I canceled the mother’s day gift he ordered for me on our shared amazon account. who orders a gift for someone on a shared account!!! I had no idea it was a gift for me – I thought it was something I had clicked on accidentally so of course I cancelled it. aside from the fact that it was not something i would’ve ever wanted, he was mad that i was looking at the placed orders on amazon and it was my fault for messing things up- i look at those on almost a daily basis to see if things have arrived, to return things, etc. last year i was in the hospital on mother’s day bc i’d just given birth and so we were kind of counting this year as my first mother’s day and we’re already off to a rock start….is sunday over yet?
Anonymous says
I think you should apologize. You cancelled his order? Rude. Stop going through your places orders daily that is an unnecessary waste of time. He thought ahead an ordered you a gift. Thank you is the appropriate response.
anon says
My take:
Your correct response: Oh, cr*p, I’m sorry! I thought I ordered something by mistake.
His: It’s okay, I’ll reorder or figure something else out.
I hate holidays for this reason. The overly-emotional responses suck for everyone (and I say that as someone who cried on her birthday this year because my EX-bf forgot my birthday. To be clear, we were in touch that day, he just didn’t know the date.)
Hugs but try to take some deep breaths and let it go.
anon says
Yes, I think this is the right take. One reason why I hate holidays like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day — they are such setups for disappointment and hurt feelings.
Anonymous says
+1
Anonymous says
for future reference, you can “archive” an order once you place it so that it does not show up in your list of recent orders.
CCLA says
Also, you can have a family account – 2 (maybe more? there is some limit) email addresses with private accounts that share a home address and share a prime membership.
anon says
Mother’s Day is hard! After being asked what I wanted (and answering), I ended up ordering my own gift because spouse left it too late to arrive in time (see conversation about the dads article above). Now we’re both upset–me because spouse created an expectation of getting what I wanted and not following through, spouse because I took over. Sigh.
Anonymous says
Don’t take over. That’s rude. Idk why everyone forgets basic gift etiquette. Giving a suggestion is fine. If he didn’t order it in time and gets you something else, you just say thank you.
Anon says
I agree with this, those maybe not as harshly. But it does seem like taking over is the wrong response here. You can always buy something for yourself later if need be.
anon says
I’m anon at 11:17 AM. Thank you for telling me that I was wrong here. It helps to hear it from you all!
SC says
I think you should apologize. He thought of you and purchased a gift, and you canceled it. I order gifts for my husband on our shared Amazon account, and so does he. We’ll usually tell the other person not to look for a few days.
I asked my husband what he wanted to do for Mother’s Day. He suggested having “everyone” (around 20 people) over to our house for brunch. We will be seeing “everyone” for a different event Saturday morning, and then going out Saturday night. We’ve had people over at our house the past 2 weekends. I told him we absolutely will not be hosting anything for any number of people on Mother’s Day. I’ll be happy if I can just read my book in the backyard for a few hours.
OP says
I didn’t cancel it on purpose. I genuinely thought that either I or my kids had ordered the item by accident. It didn’t even occur to me that it was a gift for me
SC says
Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that you canceled on purpose. I still suggest apologizing for the mistake and thanking him for thinking of you. I’m sure you will be forgiven, and this will blow over. He may have made a mistake ordering it on the shared account, but it is something reasonable people do–although you can suggest the archive tip or just a heads-up not to check the account for 2 days.
rosie says
It sounds like maybe both are you are being overly sensitive? I agree with 10:59anon on what a good take would have been. When my DH orders things on Amazon that he doesn’t want me to see, he will ask me not to check our account/shared email notices (and the archive is a good tip above) — like you, I’m on our account much more frequently than he is.
Also, my child was born the day before Mother’s Day a few years ago, so similar birthday to yours. I don’t love the hallmark holidays, but it is stressful to try to balance mother’s day expectations with birthday stuff. Last year my DH “let” me sleep in, but we were doing a bday party for my kid, so it was stressful to get up late. Plus my extended family was driving me a little nuts, and I really just wanted to be alone with my kid at the end of the day — although that would probably be the case on the birthday regardless. And I don’t learn from my mistakes, so…we’ll see how this year goes :)
anon says
I had kind of a rough weekend. I finally realized that one of my early motherhood friendships wasn’t real and was likely based on convenience. She’s now part of the “cool mom” group in our neighborhood (barf, but it is a thing) and has pretty much dropped me like a hot potato now that she’s found more … like-minded individuals, I guess. At a few events recently, including a mutual friend’s birthday party on Saturday, she has gone out of her way to avoid interacting with me but will be all sweetness and smiles when others aren’t watching. It is so hurtful, like being in junior high all over again. We were besties, but we at least had a nice neighborly thing going: lots of gatherings with our families, we organized neighborhood events together, etc. I feel dumb for ever thinking that friendship was real or genuine.
After the party on Saturday, I unfollowed her on Facebook. Seeing her posts hasn’t been great for my emotional health lately, so might as well rip the band-aid off. Mom cliques suck.
Anon says
Ugh, I was just thinking this weekend how hard adult friendships are to navigate. I’ve had a similar though (not as intense) experience with a friend who I’m realizing only appears when she needs something. I’ve been glad to help, but it’s getting irritating now that I’ve realized what’s actually happening. Luckily we don’t live in the same neighborhood so it’s easier to write off. Some people never really grow up I guess.
Anonymous says
This totally sucks and I’m sorry. I’ve heard of these mom cliques, but I actually haven’t run into them in real life! And I’m part of a larger moms group. I think unfollowing her was a great idea, and maybe she did just find people she has stuff in common with but it’s rude and bad manners to ignore you!
Anon. says
Because I’m not quite ready to tell real life friends, but because I also have to tell someone. . . Positive pregnancy test on Friday! This’ll be #2; assuming all goes well, they’ll be 2.5 years apart which is both exciting and terrifying.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Congratulations!! My two are almost exactly 2.5 years apart and it is both awesome (especially for the future) and difficult. Best wishes to you!!
Mrs. Jones says
Congratulations! My brother and I are 2.5 years apart and it is awesome.
Pogo says
congrats!!!
Spirograph says
Congratulations!
EB0220 says
Aw congrats! Mine are 2.5 years apart and it is lovely.
Emily S. says
Congrats! Mine are 23 months apart, and it’s (almost always) wonderful. They love each other and I was sufficiently recovered from having a newborn to take on raising a newborn. Good luck to you and your growing family!
Strategy Mom says
My almost 4 year old son has started having meltdowns every single morning when he’s getting ready for school. He goes to a sweet school and always has fun when he’s there. This started when we switched to a new nanny a few weeks ago. He does it with us too. Full on temper tantrums, refusal to wear short sleeves, refusal to change clothes, you name it! My mom said we should take him to school in his PJs and call his bluff when we get there and he’ll volunteer to change bc he won’t want to go into class in PJs. I’m also planning on having him agree on clothes the night before. Any other tips? Thank God summer break is only two weeks away!!!!! The old nanny had a strict morning routine and it seemed to work, but even that isn’t working now. We also are giving him more breakfast so it’s not hunger. Could be sleep related – we dropped naps the week before our old nanny left and he’s still not going to bed early enough, but he wakes up on his own each morning. Any advice?
Anon says
Sounds like it’s totally sleep. Focus on getting extra rest and just hunker down through this period.
I never let pajamas at school be an option after they were walking. So we pick out an outfit the night before. They are allowed to change one item (like pants to shorts, or sleeves length) when they wake up. Otherwise they wear what they picked.
One item that helped my 3.5 year old – we got him a step counter watch when his older sister got one. It’s the Garmin Vivofit 2. You can set a variety of alarms on there, so we’ve set them for the morning routine. He gets a beep when it’s time to get up, time to get dressed, time to eat breakfast, etc. So then it’s not US enforcing the routine, it’s his watch. There’s no arguing with a watch, so he just hurries to finish and get to the proper step in the routine. (And now my routine is set by those watch beeps and it even helps me. I know my hair has to be done by the time his first beep goes off, or the rest of the morning will be a rush for me.)
Anon in NYC says
My daughter (almost 4) is a huge grump in the morning and likes to sleep in (i.e., this past Sunday, she slept until 9:10 – her bedtime is pretty consistently 8:30 or slightly earlier). On the advice of a few people here, we’ve done a few things: 1) we let her sleep in a bit later. Instead of waking her up by 7:30, we try to stretch it until 7:45 or even 8 if we can. This is challenging, and only works because my husband can arrive at work at 10am; 2) we stopped pushing breakfast. If she wakes up early enough, she can eat breakfast at home if she wants. If not, she gets a granola bar and a piece of fruit on the walk to school; and 3) We try to be gentler and kinder with her in the morning. That makes it sound like we were mean before, but in practice it’s things like, gently stroking her hair and telling her “I love you” before she gets out of bed. Letting her wake up slowly, etc.
We’re trying really hard to get her to bed earlier, but it’s hard with our schedules.
Strategy mom says
Great tips!! Thank you!
Anonymous says
Does anyone have a favorite toddler water bottle that a) doesn’t leak and b) doesn’t have a straw? I’ve found tons of toddler/kids water bottles, but almost all of them seem to have straws or other things you suck on, which is not what I’m looking for.
The backstory to this is that I have a 2-year-old who when given a water bottle with a straw will suck down the entire 10+ oz within 10 minutes. This was okay when she was still in diapers, but now that she’s potty-trained I’m looking for something we can take to the playground so that she can drink water when she’s actually thirsty but won’t get so hydrated she needs to pee every 5 minutes.
AwayEmily says
What about using a 360 cup? We often bring those on the go — they are not quite as leak-proof as a water bottle but come pretty close.
Anonymous says
That’s what we’ve been using, but half the time they seem to leak if they end up sideways in the bag, so I’ve been wondering if there’s anything better out there. We do have the lids for them, but they seem to pop off very easily. 360s do definitely work for keeping her from drowning the entire cup at once, though!
rosie says
FWIW we have 2 different kinds of lids, the ones that came in a separate package (versus with the cup) have a ring inside and seem to stay on a little better.
Anonymous says
Can you just bring an aluminum thermos with a regular top? Like an adult water bottle. Or a nalgene. My 2 year old can handle regular tops now. FWIW we found the kids size Contigo to work well, and they have to drink slower than a straight straw because it’s a little more work to get the water out.
CPA Lady says
We have the nalgeen grip n gulp. It has a rubber thingy that fits in the lid to keep the kid from spilling or chugging. It comes apart easily for cleaning, which I really appreciate. You can take the rubber piece out once the kid is old enough to be able to handle a water bottle in a reasonable way.
Anonymous says
That looks promising, thanks!
Anonymous says
+1 to this, although we had one that tended to leak a bit if it was upside down. But they are pretty reliable, and you can always bring a regular lid if you are traveling or something. FYI the caps from the big (wider) Nalgene bottles fit on them. I love how few parts there are – they are really easy to clean.
SC says
+1. This is what our daycare uses for all the kids, and we bought our own.
anon says
I like polar ice water bottles. It keeps the water cool too.
Jdubs says
Contingo gizmo autoseal
Leggings? says
Where is everyone getting all the cute, patterned leggings I see everywhere? They don’t have to be for actually working out, just every day type wear. I already have plenty for working out that I like and don’t care about expanding that collection into “cute” territory. It’s more that I want to be cute when I’m outside playing with kiddo in the yard or running for coffee. That said, if they are workout quality, that’s fine, I just might not use them for that so they stay nicer longer.
Pogo says
probably Lularoe?
ifiknew says
Does anyone have a really shy 2 year old? My dd is really afraid of men in particular, like when we pass a guy in the grocery store, she’ll look down and if shes really scared close her eyes until they pass. She does this for some women too. It breaks my heart and I try to hug and tell her that they are really nice.
She’s always had stranger danger (starting from when she was 2 months old, she’d scream at the top of her lungs if someone she didn’t recognize held her, likely by the way they held her). She’s at home with grandmas and will start part-time daycare/preschool this fall and I am anxious for her, because she doesn’t adapt easily to new people.
AwayEmily says
YES! I posted about this maybe a year ago, just after my daughter turned two. When we went on walks, she refused to make eye contact with people walking by, she wouldn’t acknowledge store clerks, etc. Everyone reassured me that it would likely get better as she got older AND IT HAS! She’s now three and definitely still on the anxious side but now she is able to say thank you to people at the store, she greets our neighbors, and she warms up in new situations much faster. And fwiw my daughter has been (happily) in daycare since four months, so it wasn’t a “she isn’t socialized” thing — it’s just part of her personality. I bet your daughter will see a similar shift over the next year — and she sounds awesome, I love the “closing her eyes” thing, what a smart coping strategy for a stressful situation.
Anonymous says
Mine isn’t but I know two extremely shy two year olds. Constantly clinging to mom, doesn’t want to interact with other kids unless they’re VERY familiar. In both cases the parents were also shy children. Do the grandmas take her out? Is there any chance for playgroups or classes? I’m sure she will adjust and be fine in school, but sometimes (not always) if kids are just at home with family they can be under-socialized.
OP says
yes we do playgroups and library and classes and she’s totally fine around other kids. It’s just adults, particularly men!
Thank you awayemily, that’s spot on and super helpful!
Edna Mazur says
My oldest was super shy until right around the time he turned five. Classmates, strangers, teachers. It was odd, because he loves school, and would tell us all about it. But was very much content to just kind of sidle along side the other kids and not say a word the whole day. He very slowly got more comfortable, in school and everywhere, and now approaches random kiddos on the playground to play, and tells random people everywhere everything (sorry lady sitting beside us at softball game who now knows all our names, ages, where he goes to preschool, and how to find all the playgrounds in town).
On the other hand, my husband, according to him and my MIL, was much like him at the shy phase and learned to adapt eventually but never grew out of it. He still is fairly shy as an adult but has developed coping mechanisms. Some people are shy, they turn out OK eventually.
Anonymous says
I’ve been told this was me. I grew out of it. Good luck!
anonanon says
Our parents live in town and want DD#1 to stay overnight with them when I have the baby. This makes no sense to me, except for the fact that the hospital is closer to their house than ours. She’s never spent the night with them (she’s had MAJOR sleep issues, so we prefer to keep her on a schedule / routine and the rare times they’ve kept her overnight, they come to our house and stay). She will have just turned 2 when the baby is born. I don’t want her to be all out of sorts sleeping 2 nights with grandparents and then throw a huge fit the night we bring the baby home when we try to do our normal routine.
They’d also like me to stay 2 weeks at their house when the baby is born than my mom come stay with us or commute daily from our house, which I already said a hard no to, because I think it would disrupt my older daughter’s routine. I think a new baby changes so much that it’s important for the older child to have consistency in all aspects of their life as much as possible. I just don’t find it relaxing to be at my parents house with two kids and schlep all my stuff, especially when they live 30 mins away.
I am grateful for parental help, as I know many on this board have zero help and normally, I would be very flexible because I’m just grateful they are helping at all, but I just feel so inflexible about what I want when the baby comes (in 3 weeks).
Am I being unreasonable?
Anonymous says
No, they’re being a bit crazy. Hard pass on staying at anyone’s house after delivery!! And yes they should come to your house to watch your daughter while you’re in the hospital. I mean maybe if you have a super fast labor I could see dropping your daughter off in the middle of the night at their house.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I don’t think OP is being unreasonable.
Many cultures it’s pretty common for the new mum to go stay with her family during recovery. My own recovery would have been even tougher if I didn’t get on a plane and stay with my family for almost a month when DS was juuuust shy of 2 months. I’ve had friends who have done that (now with husband in tow), and hell, even Kate Middleton and Wills did that after George was born!
OP says
I did stay at my parents with I had DD#1 which made sense when I only had 1 kid, but I don’t see how it makes sense with two kids and completely disrupting the first kid’s routine and having to take all the stuff. I guess I don’t really see what benefit it provides other than it being more convenient for them..
Anon in NYC says
I just posted a response that got eaten, but you are not being unreasonable here! I can’t emphasize enough how reasonable your requests/preferences are. Your parents are being self-centered here. This is not about what is more convenient for them – it’s about what is best for your daughter and what puts your mind most at ease during huge transition in everyone’s lives. If your parents can’t commit to staying at your house with DD, I think you and DH should consider asking someone else to watch your daughter. Good luck!
anon says
I sort of get the request that she stay at their house when baby is born, although I don’t think you’re unreasonable about wanting them to come to her! However, this stuff about you staying at their house after delivery? That is bananas and completely unreasonable!
rosie says
I don’t think you are being unreasonable. But it sounds like these are the (not reasonable) terms on which they are willing to provide help, so unless you can talk them out of it, I think you need to make other plans. It’s possible they’ll come around after the baby is born and see that you’re not staying at their house and will help more at your house, but I wouldn’t take the chance on care for your daughter while you’re in labor — find someone else.
anon says
You are not being at all unreasonable! I would NEVER want to stay somewhere other than my own home with a newborn…what?? No. I agree entirely with Anon in NYC.
Blueberries says
Can you just tell them your preference and ask them how much they’re willing to help on your terms? It’s not unreasonable to want consistency for older kid—I also view it as very important. However, your parents are free to offer only as much help as they want to offer.
If your parents can’t/won’t help on terms that are acceptable to you, then you can find other help or make a plan to forgo help. I totally get that it stinks if they won’t help as much as you’d like.
Anonymous says
Yes and no. If they are your plan for watching your first child while you’re giving birth, be grateful and let them do what they are gonna do. Refuse full stop to move into their house for two weeks, but also don’t expect your mom to come over every single day and help! How is your toddler usually cared for? Do you have a spouse?
OP says
They’ll still help and come over daily, maybe just grumble a little more about coming over. I guess I just didn’t want to upset them if my request wasn’t reasonable. I’m glad a lot of you think i am being reasonable!
Both sets of parents live in town and the moms alternate days and come to our house to babysit (i work PT). Yes, I have a spouse who will take 3 weeks of paternity, but he works in biglaw, sooo hopefully its real paternity leave. I’m also very much the primary parent and my older daughter is a barnacle, so it’s going to be really challenging for me with 2 emotionally and physically.
Anon says
i don’t know your house set up or if this is an option, but could your parents or your mom stay over at your house for a few nights instead if they do not want to go back and forth each day? though it sounds like your parents are accustomed to coming back and forth. maybe for the keeping DD while you are having the baby you have them keep her at their house, but then should definitely be back to your house. a few key things i’ve heard when having #2, make sure you are not holding the baby when DD comes in to meet the baby for the first time and buy a present from the baby to DD.
anon says
i’m one of those people who is jealous of those who have local parents and hate when those people complain, but what your parents are proposing is not “help.” it is like a way for them to help that is most convenient to them, which isn’t really help to begin with. you are not being unreasonable at all. i would totally want to be in my own space postpartum.
Anonymous says
I don’t know, I’m the non-gestational mom in our family (so didn’t carry, have a c-section, pump, etc) and we still take turns deal with the super messy poop diapers. Is that really that unusual? It kind of seems worse to me to lord the “I did the first 9 months of work” thing over the other partner.
anon says
For us it’s not lording it over the other person, but more the other person acknowledging everything I did to get the kid here (which in our case involved fertility treatments & losses), takes on more of the dirty diapers where they can as a nice thing to do. That said, we used to double-team super messy ones (or have one person keep their hands clean and take over), and now my toddler will often tell us who she wants to change her diaper and it’s much easier for everyone if we do what she wants.
SC says
DH and I never allocated diaper changing as one person’s job. The first year, it didn’t matter much because we weren’t home together very often. (We alternated our work schedules, and DH worked Saturdays and was off Mondays). Later, it was usually whoever was “on” childcare duty while the other person was doing chores or working or maybe even relaxing, or, if we were all equally engaged in something, we probably just took turns. We didn’t have too many super messy diapers though.
After we introduced Kiddo to a bottle, we alternated middle of the night feedings. And after we moved Kiddo to the crib, we alternated who picked Kiddo up at 6 am and changed his diaper–after which I would nurse and pump and we’d all doze until we had to wake up. We’re not morning people, and I like to wake up slowly and read in bed for 20-60 minutes. I’d rather change a dirty diaper than hop out of bed to a screaming child at the crack of dawn.
So Anon says
Finally, FINALLY, I can post good news: My final divorce hearing was this morning. He agreed to everything, so we are officially divorced! I cried during the hearing, but honestly what I feel most is liberated. And, for even more good news: I found a house this weekend that is exactly what I am looking for. It is so perfect. It is smaller than what I have now, in an amazing little neighborhood in the same school district , relatively new (current house built in 1800, new house 2012) and a below what I thought I would end up spending. As I walked out of the divorce hearing, my realtor called to let me know my offer was accepted! While I know that there will still be rough days and big emotions ahead, I can’t help but feel that the tide is starting to turn my way.
Anonymous says
Congrats!!! This internet stranger is delighted to hear this!
Anon in NYC says
YAY!!!! I’m very happy for you. Cheers to a new and hopefully wonderful chapter!
GCA says
Congratulations, that’s wonderful news! -another internet stranger who is so delighted for you
avocado says
Congratulations from yet another internet stranger who has been rooting for you and your kids. Here’s to new adventures!
FVNC says
Congratulations from another internet stranger who is rooting for you and your kids!
anon says
congrats!!! could not be happier for you!
Mrs. Jones says
Good for you!
Spirograph says
Congratulations on your new chapter! I’m so glad things are looking up.
lsw says
Yes!!!!
Anon. says
Hooray!
Emily S. says
Yay! So happy for you that you finally see some sunshine peeking through the clouds!
farrleybear says
Yay! So glad to hear this.
Toddler Emotions? says
My son is 2.5 and has generally preferred me most of his life (runs to me when he gets hurt, wants me to carry him in new places) but he’s always been fine hanging out with my husband until about a month ago. For the last month, he gets so upset whenever he sees my husband and shouts “go away” and hits and kicks him. For example, this morning my husband went out to walk the dog, and I sat on the couch with my son and read books. When my husband tried to come in, he ran over to door, slammed it closed, and said shouted “go away, I don’t like you daddy” and had a complete meltdown when I opened the door and told him daddy had to come inside to get ready for work. Once he was in the door, my son started hitting him. When I ask him why he is hitting daddy he says “because I don’t like him” and occasionally “he’s a mad boy” or “he’s sad and angry” Son does something similar for bedtime (though if I am not at home, he will go to bed from my husband with minimal protestation). I understand that emotions can be challenging for toddlers but this seems extreme. Son also loves our nanny and has no issue when I leave for work everyday; he’s also fine with grandparents. My husband is understandably upset by it and we’ve tried saying things like “we don’t hit, you don’t have to like daddy but you need to respect him and daddy always loves you” but it doesn’t seem to work. Ideas?
AnotherAnon says
No advice but following. DS is 2 and is becoming more extreme with this – not wanting DH to console him, shouting “BYE!” when DH comes over to him; hitting DH, etc. I actually lectured him (eye roll) last week that he’s hurting DH’s feelings and has to be nice. I’m curious why he’s even acting this way! What makes it worse is DH is the primary caregiver for him as I work longer hours.
Knope says
Three thoughts:
1) I think you’re over-explaining when your son hits your husband. 2.5 is too young for most kids to understand the difference between “love” “like” and “respect.” I would immediately send your son to time out when he hits and tell him it’s not ok to hit anyone because it hurts. If he says “go away Daddy,” I would say (or have your husband say) “I know you don’t want to see Daddy, but Daddy loves you and he lives here, he is not going to go away.” Let the ensuing tantrum happen.
2) Is there any justification to your son’s feelings here? Like, does your husband yell a lot? Or was there some incident between them a month ago? I’m not at all suggesting that must be the case, and I’m going to assume the answer is no or you would have said something, but if the answer is yes then I would try to get your husband to change his own behavior before tackling 3):
3) Your husband may need to spend some more alone time with your son. Your son may tantrum the whole time, but I think it’s important for your son to see that Daddy loves him and still will be there even if your son is upset.
shortperson says
janet lansbury just covered this: https://www.janetlansbury.com/2019/04/extreme-favoritism-toward-one-parent/
Anonymous says
Does anyone have a glider from Pottery Barn Kids in the performance everyday velvet fabric? Is is ok with stains? Bonus question: does your cat scratch it? Thank you!
I have it says
I have three pieces in the PB suede. We haven’t had any issues with stains and my cat never scratches it (and she scratches everything)!
The fabric isn’t my first choice but it is supposed to be cat friendly so it Trump’s other fabrics for that reason alone.
Anonymous says
Does anyone have footwear suggestions for a almost 1 year old? We did zutano booties in winter, but now it’s too warm. She likes to cruise, so needs something, but she takes off whatever we put on her. So far she’s figured out how to undo the velcro on her See Kai Run Shoes. She has Freshly Picked moccs that take a bit more work, but she can get those off too
Annie says
Tiny converse sneakers stay on because they have laces you can tie.
Anon. says
Robeez
lsw says
Ugh, the “washable” markers my son sued to draw on the couch did not come off with a professional cleaning. Any last minute suggestions? The cleaner told me that the red dye is the hardest (it was a brown marker but there is a light pink residue).
Anonymous says
What brand were the markers? I’d call and ask their customer service what they recommend.
100% ethanol will take off any permanent marker I’m aware of if you can find it, so I’m sure it would remove washable marker. But, it might ruin the dye on the couch. I’d test underneath first.
Hairspray? Like some nice AquaNet.
lsw says
Crayola. I did look on their website and they recommended “Capture” after upholstery washing. I have never even heard of that. Fortunately the couch is a light color so I’d be okay with a little bleaching. I’ll try the ethanol. Thanks for the suggestions!