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Bottle Feeding says
I’m hoping for some advice about bottle feeding a baby who does not want to bottle feed.
My daughter is a little over two months old. Beginning at three weeks old, we started giving her some bottles with pumped breast milk in addition to breastfeeding her (because breastfeeding was painful for me and I needed a break). She did fine with both most of the time. Sometimes she would get fussy at either the breast or the bottle, but this was a problem that came and went and was temporary. Once breastfeeding was no longer painful for me, I switched to breastfeeding all the time, which lasted two weeks straight.
This past week, my husband tried bottle feeding her and she struggled so much. I figured it would be a one-time fussy moment and the next time would be better, but it wasn’t the case. When she drinks from the bottle, the milk overflows from her mouth and she gasps and shakes her head and cries. Since then, I have tried bottle feeding her 10 times or so, and the most she will get down is one ounce. A couple times she has managed to stay calmer (one time was at 1 am when she was sleepy and didn’t fight it), but the rest of the times it’s the same struggle.
I called a lactation consultant who recommended “paced bottle feeding” (moving the bottle up and down so that the milk isn’t always in the nipple and she has a chance to swallow). She said to keep trying three times a day and that it would be a struggle, but I need to show the baby this is a consistent thing and to teach her again. She said the type of nipple and bottle I was using should be fine and I didn’t need to try others. My pediatrician recommended trying different nipples and having my spouse do the feeding, not me – because babies can sense you are there and want to nurse instead (though my lactation consultant said this wasn’t an issue and that I should feed her). The main type of bottles we have are Munchkin Latch with the Stage 1 slow flow nipple. We’ve also tried Philips Avent Natural with their slowest flow nipple.
But to sum up – I’m worried about taking her to daycare in two weeks if she’s not taking a bottle well. Any tips? Has anyone else gone through this?
Cb says
My son never took a bottle from me, but after a rough few weeks, took one from other people. Even at 16 months, he looks suspicious if I hand him a sippy cup with milk in it. He preferred the NUK or MAM with latex or the Dr Brown’s but friends have had good luck with the comotomo bottle.
Anon says
+1 Neither of my kids would take a bottle from me, and wouldn’t take it from anyone else if I was in the room or within smell-distance. I had to leave the house (or go to a different floor) and then they’d struggle a bit but actually drink it. They were just fine at daycare though – those teachers are baby experts and really good at getting babies to drink.
Anon says
Oh, and they did really well with the Tommee Tippee bottles. My friend gifted me a random assortment of bottles to try out, but said you’ll likely have success with a bottle/ nipple that looks like your own real set. Weird and hokey, but turned out kinda true in my case.
GCA says
This was my exact situation (we gave a few bottles in the beginning to get over jaundice, stopped briefly, and then baby began rejecting bottles). We were struggling right before she started daycare a few weeks ago, but I am now pleased to report that she is finally taking 3-4 (depending on how long she is there) 3oz bottles at daycare. She still won’t take a bottle from me and I haven’t pressed the issue, but here are some things that helped:
– Using a fast flow nipple. I suppose she’s used to a strong letdown! She doesn’t seem to like the Medela ones but Nuk are good and we’re trying Comotomo fast flow today. If slow flow doesn’t work, try a faster flow.
– Getting the milk very warm. Basically getting everything as close to ‘straight from the tap’ as possible, minus my presence.
anon says
My husband and I found the book “Your Baby’s Bottle-feeding Aversion: Reasons and Solutions” really helpful. We were kind of forcing our baby to drink and she was getting super upset. It is so stressful when babies won’t eat well and I found the book really helpful to tell us that it was going to be ok and she wasn’t going to starve.
We used the comotomo bottles which are supposed to be good for the transition from breastfeeding. I also think introducing a bottle in the middle of the night is good because the baby is so sleepy and hungry that they don’t notice as much. Good luck!
Anonymous says
I agree with the pediatrician to try other bottles and nipples. We had good luck with the regular Avent bottles and terrible luck with Dr. Brown’s. I also agree that someone other than you should do it.
Delta Dawn says
+1 to both of these. They do make a nipple slower than stage 1. I think it is called P, maybe for preemie? But it sounds like the milk is coming out too fast and she’s getting frustrated. I also think it’s much, much, much easier for anyone other than you to offer the bottle. If it’s you offering the bottle, she’s more likely to be frustrated that she can’t nurse, because it’s just right there.
Anonymous says
I had the one in a million baby that would not take a bottle from anyone no matter how hot the milk was. We tried all different kinds of bottles and nipples, feeding positions etc. Nothing worked and we ended up having to feed her with a syringe. It sounds crazy, but it was surprisingly easy and efficient, so much so that we gave up on bottles completely and figured we’d just do that until she was ready for a sippy. And then one day she grabbed the bottle and just started feeding herself. So worst case, it will be fine. But 99% of babies will give in and take the bottle. The ped, nurses and our experienced nanny were all shocked at how hard my daughter resisted.
Pogo says
Dr. Brown’s, paced bottle feeding, and being propped on the boppy – that’s how my husband got ours back on the bottle. LO didn’t take much at first – an oz or two is normal, and sometimes that’s ALL he’d eat all day while I was gone – but eventually he was chugging milk like a champ.
Hugs. It’s hard, but you will get there.
Anon says
We struggled with this – LO took bottles from 2 weeks old, but then starting fussing, pulling off, etc right before it was time to start daycare. We switched to the faster (stage 2) flow nipple and that worked miracles for us. In your case, if the flow is too slow, maybe try a premie nipple and see if that helps?
Anonymous says
My kid did the same thing…. about 2 months of taking the bottle from dad and then outright strike for MONTHS. He would cry for 2 hours if I wasn’t home instead of taking the bottle. We worked really hard on it leading up to daycare, including starting sippy cups, but it was to no avail. About 3 times in 5 months he chugged a bottle (no idea what was different about that attempt). If you know that she CAN take a bottle (you have seen her do it) she WILL eventually figure it out at daycare. Ultimately we landed on the Avent bottles but stuck with the newborn nipples for a long time. For the first couple days of daycare the caregivers spoon fed him milk. [NOTE: he was taking solids at the time so he wasn’t starving]. Be ready for a nurse right at pick up and that’s the best you can do.
GOOD LUCK.
anon says
Both of my kids had this problem. Both problems were fixed by starting to do a dream feed with a bottle, and then transitioning to giving the bottle to baby when sleepy, and finally when awake.
Anonymous says
Honestly I’d look for a new LC. Both trying different bottles/nipples and baby refusing to take bottle from mom are common things. I’ve seen at least different 3 LCs between nursing my three kids and each noted these issues. One kid only wanted Avent bottles and faster nipples, the other two would only take Playtex drop in bottle with slow flow nipples – like still used a 3 mth nipple at 9 months.
I’ve heard a lot of people had success with the playtex drop ins for BF babies. Try going for a walk when DH is giving the bottle so baby clearly sees you leave and knows you are not available.
Anonymous says
Things to try:
1. Have someone other than you do the bottlefeeding.
2. Try other bottles/nipples. You can always circle back to the Munchkin Latch bottles you already have once she’s used to bottlefeeding. The Dr. Brown’s bottles are a good introductory bottle.
3. Introduce a soother. We introduced a soother at 3 weeks because all the comfort sucking was getting me down and our LO was cool with silicone nipples when we introduced bottles at 8 weeks. My friend was anti-soother but introduced one at 8 weeks when she was struggling with introducing bottles and her LO started accepting the silicone bottle nipples much better.
Cb says
That’s very cute! I accused my toddler of stealing my keys this am. He said ‘keys, mama, gone…’ but it was libel and slander as my keys were in my bag, not squirreled away somewhere. He’s got his own set of metal keys but prefers mine.
Anon This Time says
I just need to unload something and don’t really know where else to do it–I tried to talk to my husband about it last night, but that just made me feel worse.
I’m not happy at my job and I’ve been looking for a new one off and on for two years. I have some pending applications now. I love my children and they are generally amazing but parenting day to day is not very rewarding or happy right now because of the constant grind and their attitudes and difficult behavior with me and because I solo parent for a good chunk of the weekdays, including ferrying everyone to their activities (which make them happy).
Basically, I tanked my career to raise my kids the way we thought we should raise them. Now my husband has the career I always thought I’d have, ironically, in a field I’ve always wanted to be in but he chose because he didn’t know what else to do. We’re in the same field with the same education and educational honors. I’m proud of him and happy for him and his successes benefit our team. But I’m left feeling crappy about myself as a contributor, as a wannabe career woman, and as a mother. He just got a promotion, and I can’t get an interview. Every woman I personally know who has a career like I always thought I’d have is divorced or childless by choice. My children are at ages where they are just naturally not going to be that grateful or expressive towards me.
When I told my husband these things last night, things I’ve been holding in for so long, I should have know that he’d react with his typical “fix it” mentality (I love him dearly, and know that he seriously lacks in the empathy department, so I shouldn’t have been surprised). Some of the things he suggested for me to “fix it” were right, but it just felt like he was kicking me while I was down. I felt worse, not better. It essentially felt like I told him “I feel bad about myself and these feelings I’m having” and instead of hearing “you’re great! Let me help you feel better about yourself first!”, it was “well, while you’re feeling bad about yourself, here are all the other things you’re also not doing right and here are the things you should be better at if you want to fix this.”
I just wanted to be seen, to be heard, to have someone tell me that I’m a good mom, that I do my best for my family in my own way, that this too shall pass . . . I guess I just gave myself the pep talk I needed. But I’m tired of giving it to myself.
Thanks. I just needed to write that out. Maybe it will help.
Anonymous says
I’m so sorry you’re feeling discouraged right now. Have you tried telling your husband what you just told us about exactly what you are looking for from him? Not in a critical way, just in a “here’s what I need” way. He sounds like a good guy who might respond well to this approach.
Anon says
+1
H13 says
This is great advice.
M in DC says
I totally understand this feeling and have felt it myself, even if the specifics are different. I’m okay with where I am work-wise right now but I know I could be doing more/better and am hoping for a career shift in the next couple years. One thing that made me feel better about staying where I am right now was reading the book “The Ambition Decisions” – about the career paths of a bunch of women who were high-achieving in college, and how those paths moved from being flex to “high achieving” and back over the course of a career. Made me appreciate that I may be stuck now but I won’t be stuck forever – and that so many other women feel this way. I don’t usually get much from “career” books but this one resonated with me.
anon with solidarity says
This is where a therapist is really helpful. I’m in a bit of a midlife crisis myself, mostly related to work anxiety. I had some things that I needed to say out loud, but my husband wasn’t the right audience because he’d either freak out (if you leave your job, we will be homeless, etc) or try to fix it. Plus, he’s got this awesome low stress unicorn job with a great schedule. I’m a little envious like why can’t I get that type of job in my field. Being able to say all of these things to someone who was going to focus only on my needs and path helped me work through some of it and grow more confident in my role. It’s still a work in progress, but I feel a bit better.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I agree with the suggestion to seek out therapy to talk these things through, if you’re not already seeing one. You’re having a totally normal reaction to seeing him “succeed” in the traditional sense while your career isn’t where you thought it would be. I think a lot of us on here have felt the same way. Talking this through may help you redefine what it means to succeed – i.e. if you had the career you imagined, would the trade offs be time with your family? It sounds like your husband might have had to make those trade offs if you’re solo parenting a lot. To some, this is worth it, but it may not be for you. And perhaps you might discuss with your husband that you’d prefer not to solo parent as much in the future, and what steps you both need to take to get there. Parenting is hard and solo parenting is even harder, because you’re not getting that teammate to work with you and prop you up, as your kids certainly won’t be there to give you praise (as they shouldn’t, developmentally normal).
Also agree that it will help to tell your husband what sort of reaction you’re looking for when you discuss this. He can’t read your mind and is probably thinking that suggesting solutions are what you need to feel better.
Hugs, this is hard.
Anonymous says
His suggestions aren’t kicking you while you are down. He’s hearing you hurting and trying to help.
AwayEmily says
OP said she *felt like* the suggestions were kicking her while she was down, not that she thought they actually were. And I totally get that. You can simultaneously be grateful for someone trying to help, while also wishing they would help in a different way. I agree with the first anonymous about telling him explicitly that’s what you want. I used to be a very “reply with actionable advice to fix the problem rather than with sympathy/encouragement” person, and after some gentle feedback from loved ones, I have gotten better at responding in the ways they need.
GCA says
Ugh, I’m sorry. Have you tried telling him exactly what you wrote? It sounds like he will likely understand that.
And while we’re here – you are doing great. You are a good mom. You’re doing things that will benefit your whole family as a team, only you need to be heard, yourself, and supported emotionally as well as practically, so that you don’t slide into a morass of resentment. Small children are hard. They can be ungrateful wretches for a long time – I was certainly wretched to my parents for a long time. Parenting is sometimes drudge work. All joy and no fun, right? But hang in there. Chances are your life won’t *always* look like this. Perhaps there are no jobs this year, but another, better opportunity is waiting for you tomorrow. You’ve got this, and I hope it all works out for you and your team.
H13 says
I’m saving the second paragraph for when I need a pep talk. Thanks, GCA!
AnotherAnon says
First, thanks for sharing. This sounds really hard. My husband is the similar: He’s a good partner and dad, but if I need sympathy or to actually work through my problems with empathy, I have to go to a wise friend or a therapist. A therapist can also help you with strategies for re-framing discussions with your husband so they can be more productive (both by him being more empathetic and you being in a place where you can hear his constructive feedback). Sorry you’re dealing with this.
Elle says
I’m the one in my relationships who tends to go in “fix it” mode, so I try to ask ahead of time: “Do you want my honest opinion?” “Do you want me to just listen?” “Do you want me to agree with you?” etc. Getting some boundaries at the beginning of the conversation helps me to give the person what they want. Although it doesn’t fix the conversation you’ve had, you can try to preface future conversations on this topic with “I just need to vent and not have you give me any suggestions.” or “I just need to have my feelings heard and I don’t need advice.”
Hugs, though. This sounds hard.
be kind says
It is SO DISPIRITING to struggle finding a job when you are unhappy at work. Your feelings are perfectly valid and normal, in my opinion. I had no husband or kids when I went through that, but it was such a downer.
Those of us with “fix it” minds usually need to be told when to listen and support. My mind works this way. I am trying to be a shoulder-to-cry on friend but my goes into solution seeking mode automatically. Tell your husband!
Also, one thing I’ve realized that many incredibly accomplished people suffered major setbacks or plateaus at one point or another. You just can’t tell when they are on top of their game 30 years in. Current culture says that we should all be changing the world and making headlines almost immediately, one accomplishment after another. Life usually isn’t that linear.
Be kind to yourself mama.
Anonymous says
Find a career coach. I 100% understand where you’re coming from, and your husband can’t give you what you need because his career success (while raising kids in a manner you both want) has come at the expense of your career sacrifice and, if he’s at all self-aware/loving, he’s going to feel guilty and defensive about this.
CHL says
Glad this place can be a space to let it all out! I was having a similar moment today and all I can say is that “I FEEL YOU!” This s*&# just keeps coming and coming and I’m tired and resentful and tired again! Trying to remember that there are ups and downs and careers are long and kids won’t be tiny little dictators forever. Therapy is probably in order. Also hot cocoa and Christmas music on repeat. We are here for you!
anon says
this is kind of how i feel too about my own career, though not in the same exact field as my husband. and my husband also has the fix it mentality. i would say to your husband or even write, exactly what you wrote here. i also think it can be hard because even though this is not your intention, he might feel like you are blaming him for your career path/choices. this tends to happen when my DH and I discuss this. just remember that even though you might not currently have the career you envisioned, that does not mean you never well or maybe your vision has changed, which can be hard to come to terms with, but that is ok too.
IHeartBacon says
You feelings are 100% valid. The only thing worse than not getting something you want is watching someone else get it instead. And in your case, someone who just stumbled into it because he didn’t know what else to do and who got to where he did because of the significant sacrifices you made. Making it all worse is that this “someone” is your husband. I can understand why you feel the way you do. I’d feel the same way.
Sometimes it helps to just wallow in a little self-pity for a bit. Then when you’re done, pick yourself up, wipe away your tears, and face the day.
As for how to have those types of conversations with your husband, I second the suggestion of other posters who recommend that you start your conversation by telling your husband what you need from him: just listen or offer suggestions, etc. I do this to my husband and he still struggles with it because at the end of my venting, he’ll feel useless. To help him with that, I’ll say, “Look, tomorrow we can come up with a game plan. Tonight I just need you to hug me.” It gives us both what we need: I get my emotional support and he get a homework assignment to come up with a fix-it strategy by the morning. By the morning, we’re both usually in a better place to talk about plans.
lawsuited says
I think in order to get the kind of support you want from your husband, you probably have to put the dots a bit closer together. If you had said, “The kids are at such tough ages and aren’t expressing much appreciation at the moment so the career sacrifices I’ve made for them are weighing more on me. It’s making me feel like a bad mom and I need some reassurance” I bet you would have gotten reassurance from your husband that you’re a great mom and your kids love you and need you even though they aren’t expressing it right now. But it’s not clear from “I’m not happy in my job” that what you’re really looking for is reassurance that you’re a great mom.
Definitely consider setting up some counselling for yourself to explore these issues, because a counsellor will be much more astute and sensitive than your husband.
Anon This Time (OP) says
Thank you all for your kind, thorough, thoughtful, and supportive comments. I take them all to heart. I didn’t want to bounce all over this thread with further thoughts or comments (and I didn’t want to start crying at work), but I’m reading everything multiple times and figuring out my way forward.
Since I’m not the only one that feels like this, and it was hard to admit lots of this to myself and say it out loud last night and today, I hope this post helps other moms out there too.
Childcare in Westchester says
Any suggestions for finding temporary or permanent infant childcare in Westchester, NY? Moving next month and planned childcare fell through. So far nothing with availability before June. Ideally looking for a nannyshare or daycare in the south eastern part of the county, but willing to be flexible. Looks like urbansitter doesn’t have a lot of listings there – is care.com more utilized? Local Facebook groups? We won’t have a spare bedroom in the new place for an au pair.
Anonymous says
Maybe find some mom FB groups in Westchester and seeing if anyone has a nanny they would recommend? I am following this, as I will likely be moving there in June.
Westchester-ite says
There’s a childcare in Westchester facebook group along with village/town level groups (usually identified by zip codes). That would definitely be my first suggestion. I think care.com has more of a following than urbansitter.com but I didn’t have much luck via that route. Depending on the town, you’ll get specific day care suggestions. The one I’m most familiar with (in tarrytown) only takes 1 year olds and up and I believe has a wait list.
Anonymous says
Ugh, LO was up at 4 a.m. today for no apparent reason. Just wanted to be awake and making mischief. I had my mom get him the Hatch for xmas and I’m seriously debating just having her bring it over so we can start using it. I have a presentation at noon and I’m dyingggg
GCA says
Solidarity. And coffee. The baby was up about 5 times last night (hi, sleep regression). The big kid is falling sick with something – a cold? a UTI? all of the above? – and slept fitfully on the couch. Last night I found myself ‘on shift’ at 1am with two awake kids: a happy burbling baby who was trying to roll, and a very grumpy preschooler who had to pee about 19382 times. (Husband had put them to bed.) This too will pass, amirite.
AwayEmily says
oh man I’m so sorry, that sounds like a VERY rough night.
GCA says
Thanks. Babies are so, so cute when they want to be awake and make mischief and burble and roll. Just that it’s less amusing at 1am, or 3am, or 4am…
Five-year-old freakouts? says
My five-year-old is going through a phase where he goes into fits about “copying.” He freaks out if his brother wants the same snack as him, is wearing the same kind of pajamas as him, everything, even if his brother picked his without knowing that it was “copying.” As far as I know, this is only happening at home, not school, but I really don’t know how far it’s going. He is prone to hysterical meltdowns at home, which we have been working on, but I don’t know what the deal is with this obsession! Any advice on how to handle it would be appreciated! Trying to reason with him has been especially unsuccessful.
Anon says
Does he have his own space? It sounds like maybe he just wants to claim something as his own. This is so hokey, but could you get him a tent for his bed, and let him know that’s his secret special spot and no one can go in there without asking his permission.
You might also want to start kid-parent date nights. You take him, DH takes little brother, and you go to different restaurants or playplaces. Focus solely on the kid you’re with. The next month, trade kids and do it again. Dedicated time with mom and dad really helps my kids, and I notice they spiral a bit more if we skip a month.
Lastly, you might pick up Siblings Without Rivalry in case it’s a sibling issue. Lots of good advice in there about not making life a contest between your kids, so there’s less worry on their part about standing out above the other one.
Anon in NYC says
I totally agree. As the oldest child who had a younger sister who often copied me (and with whom I shared a room), I really needed something to be *mine* that I didn’t also have to share. But that could take many forms. He may have to have the same snack as his little brother, but he can have non-matching clothes, or special time with mom or dad without kid brother, etc. And you can also teach him to verbalize the need for space / to be away from little brother, and then have mom and dad enforce that with little brother (so preventing little brother from trying to play with him during this time), so that your older son feels that you/DH are respecting his feelings.
Anonymous says
Has anyone been to Italy with kids (my boys are 6 and 3) — in the very early stages of planning something in June. My youngest is on the spectrum so we want an easy, relaxed trip — any specific cities or areas you’d recommend or suggest we avoid are greatly appreciated! Thank you!
Anon says
We’ve done Tuscany with one toddler (16 months). The flights were very not fun, but I think it will be a lot better for you since 3 year olds can be entertained by screens way better. The trip itself was super fun though! We did a few days in Florence and a few days in Siena (a short train ride away). My biggest travel with kids tip is just going at a relaxed pace. Trying to pack too much into a day is a recipe for meltdowns. We ate a lot of good food and did some sight-seeing, but also built in time for afternoon naps (the whole family napped, lol) and taking kiddo to playgrounds. I’ve also done Rome, Cinque Terre and the Amalfi Coast on trips to Italy without kids and love them all. I think just about any place can be child-friendly with the right itinerary.
I know there are several bl0ggers that write about ASD and travel – you might g00gle them for more general traveling tips. I’m not super familiar with ASD, but I can’t think of any reasons why certain parts of Italy would be better or worse.
Anon says
+1. My biggest kid travel tip is to not pack too much in one day. Have one morning activity and one afternoon/evening activity, and one of the two should involve something active like a park or a long walk. (And leave some empty slots so you have flexibility to add or rearrange things.) I’ve actually started to enjoy the slower pace of kid travel, and I feel like I get a better appreciation for the location when I seek out smaller, less crowded restaurants for dinner and look for kid-friendly active places like Villa Borghese Gardens in the middle of Rome or Park Guell in Barcelona.
Because we’re doing less, usually we can stretch our budget a little more and get a room with a balcony where we can sit and sip some wine and people watch after the kids go to bed. Or a room with a suite (door to the bedroom) so we can play card games and chat together and remember how much we love each other as friends late into the night.
One of our best memories so far is actually from Nashville – we aimlessly walked around downtown one night after an early dinner and my daughter requested a carriage ride. She picked the most Cinderella-looking one and felt like a princess. She still talks about it. The “driver” was super knowledgable and pointed out some hidden gems that we would have missed otherwise, including the super kid-friendly upstairs level at the Frist Art Museum.
anon says
Preschool application help. I have to fill out a preschool application for my 6 month old twins to start school at 15 months (not trying to incite the preschool vs. daycare debate, this is for a program that does not run year round and doesn’t offer full time coverage, so it is a school, though I of course don’t expect them to be doing too much at 15 months). I’m sure you new yorkers are used to this (I went to preschool in nyc as a kid and my mom has ridiculous stories about the application process, but I no longer live there), but what do you write for: (1) what are my child’s strengths? (2) describe your child in 3 adjectives, and (3) how does your child like to spend his/her time? I mean again, my kids are 6 months old, one of them enjoys laying on her back and holding her feet, but i don’t think that is exactly what I am supposed to write. Also, what kind of strengths does a 6 month old have? One of these lovely 6 month olds decided to wake up in the middle of the night last night for 1.5 hours and DH is out of town for work, so my brain is a bit tired for these questions. Help! I’m hoping you ladies have some suggestions
Annie says
My understanding is that these applications are largely to screen the parents — are you nice, normal, responsible etc. I would put things the way you’d talk to your kid to someone else — e.g. strengths — cute smiles, great eater, sleeps well through loud noises, e.g. adjectives — alert, engaged, cuddly, e.g. time — listening to stories and songs, watching big kids in the playground, and eating sweet potatoes. I think you want to seem like you’re engaged with your kids but not insane about expectations.
Anon says
Ohh I would hate this! No advice, just sympathy. My doctor asks me at every well visit “What’s your favorite thing about {child’s name]?” and I have such a hard time answering. Uhh she’s my kid and I love her? She’s a cute, smiley happy baby? I feel like a sociopath because I can’t answer this question well. I actually got admonished at my 12 month well check because I said something like “she’s always smiling!” and the ped actually said “She was smiling when she was 2 months old, give a better answer.” Ok then…
Anonymous says
That is seriously obnoxious.
Annie says
Agreed. That’s harsh and unnecessary.
Nope says
That doctor is an a-hole and I’d leave that practice.
anon says
We had to do this last year (yes, in NYC). I will pull our responses, but I can’t find them quickly in my email so it may be later today or tomorrow.
anon says
OP here. Thank you in advance!
anon says
Found it! I suddenly feel weird posting these descriptions of my children on the internet. Do you have an anon email address I can use?
anon says
sammygj18 gmail
thank you!
Anonymous says
My thought of the day: are we really calling it “solo parenting” every time you’re physically the only parent with your kids? I hate it. Does that mean if one parent is at work that person is not also parenting? I’m a single mom. And I love it. But y’all aren’t solo parenting just because your husband isn’t physically home at a given moment. Your kids still have another parent, you have another parent involved. Does everything need a catchy name? Can’t you just say “mornings are hard because I’m alone with the kids”?
Anonymous says
Interesting, I say “solo parent” (or “flying solo”) in recognition that I am not in any way “single parenting,” which is way, way harder.
Anonymous says
I agree. I use solo parenting when my husband is traveling and physically not present, so all childcare and household responsibilities fall to me. Not when I’m handling drop off because he went into work early, and not when someone picks up the household/childcare slack because the other person has a busy time at work. I would never use it in a context to suggest that I was actually a single parent.
Em says
Same. The only time I use this term is when my husband is out of town, and usually only in the context of explaining why I can’t so or attend something because I am doing something I would normally rely on him to do.
Sarabeth says
I’ve always had this distinction in mind as well.
Anonymous says
This.
Solo parenting in my area is used to indicate that you have the kids on your own right now. Other parent is in the picture but out of town – oil industry so can be gone 6-8 weeks regularly.
Single parenting is when the parent is entirely responsible for raising the kid and does not have a co-parent to rely on.
Another Midwest mom says
Exactly. The phrase that really grates is “married single mom.” No, no I am not. But I do solo parent at times, and I do find it hard.
Anon says
Agreed. Currently on day 10 of an 18-day “solo parenting” stretch while my husband is abroad on a business trip. I distinctly avoid saying “single parenting” when he’s gone to distinguish between me being alone when he’s physically gone and parents who don’t have co-parents in the picture (mostly out of respect, because being a true “single parent” is much harder IMO).
Artemis says
I think of it as internet-era shorthand, like DH or SO or DD or SAHM. It’s not meant to compare to or be the same as a true single parent, at least not in my mind. I completely see how that could really grind your gears though, as a true single parent. So I’ll say it the long way: “afternoons and evenings are hard because I am responsible for school pickup and the transition to home and managing homework and long-term school projects and getting them to activities and giving the kids downtime and making sure they do their chores and listening to their end-of-day whining and tantrums and making dinner and getting them to listen to me when they get wound up because it’s dark and wintertime and I do everything in this particular time period alone because my husband walks in the door either when dinner is waiting on the table or the kids are almost ready for bed, and I find it much more challenging and frustrating than I ever anticipated.”
That’s what I mean when I say “solo parenting”, that’s all. Major props to you for all you do for your family without another parent, I realize you don’t have someone walking through the door even at dinner or bedtime. You’re it, and I bet you rock.
Anonymous says
It’s not hard to just say “afternoons are hard because my husband husband isnt home” though. All those other words you put in there aren’t anything to do with my point. I don’t need props, I just think people could be more thoughtful.
Artemis says
Understood! Thank you for taking the time to explain and enlighten.
Eh says
I understand that it’s not the same as a single parent, but I don’t think you get to discount someone else’s experience just because yours is hard. I solo parent every weeknight because my husband travels Monday through Friday. I know it is not the same as being a single parent and I would never claim that it is. But it is very difficult and I think I’m allowed to call it what I want.
Anonymous says
You absolutely are allowed, and I’m with you. I don’t think we should indulge people who are looking to get offended and read ill will where there is none intended.
Anon says
+100!!!! As a single mother, I find it so offensive. No, your problems cause your husband is out of town for work 10 days a year are not similar to my problem is the only parent my kid has 24/7/365 days a year.
SC says
I’ve always interpreted “solo parenting” as a term intended to make a distinction from being a single parent and especially from being an only parent. To me, it just means, “I am solely responsible for childcare while co-parent is temporarily physically absent.”
Interestingly, “solo parenting” also seems to be used mostly by working moms, even though SAHMs typically spend a lot of time alone with their kids.
anon says
I think this is a bit much. Solo parenting is not single parenting and I think it’s silly that people need to use the extra words to say “when husband is not home”. It’s not meant to offend anyone and I don’t really get why it does.
SC says
I think we’re saying the same thing?
anon says
Sorry SC, I didn’t mean to thread the comment to you! Yes, we are saying the same thing. I just meant it in general to the person who posted that they were offended by the term “solo parenting”
Anon says
This. My husband travels internationally for work. He could come home in a true emergency – child hospitalized or something like that – but short of that he’s made a commitment to be there, not dealing with minor crises. When he’s gone he does zero childcare, zero housework and we don’t even get to talk to him much because he’s frequently asleep when we’re awake and vice versa. I’m not a single parent because I have his emotional and financial support longterm, but when he’s out of town I’m absolutely “solo parenting” and I make no apologies for using that phrase.
Same says
+1 to this, my husband travels for work 3-4 nights per week, and when he’s not here, there is no one but me for childcare, housework, meal prep, sick kid pickup, doctor appointment, activity shuttling, and all the other parenting. It’s not the same as being a single parent and I would never claim that it is. But “solo” and “single” are different words. And I think I can use the words that fit my experience without having to qualify that single parents have it harder than me. They do, and I know that. But my experience counts too.
Anonanonanon says
OK but I don’t think people who say “solo parenting” are implying that it’s the same… otherwise they would be saying “I’m a single mother during the week!” which I DO find offensive for people in a partnership to say….
Anon says
Eh i think you’re being oversensitive. “Solo parenting” is different than “single parenting.” You’re not single parenting if you have a partner, even if they’re out of town. But most people use “solo parenting” to describe parenting by themselves for a short time and draw a distinction from true single parenting.
anon says
I don’t see “solo parenting” as equating to single parenting… to me, that’s part of its appeal as a phrase, that it is distinct from “single parenting.” I used it recently when my husband was hospitalized. My MIL was a true single parent for many years and naturally bristles when someone whose husband travels a lot for work says, “I’m like a single mom.” So I would never want to make that error.
While I get that it’s not the same as being a single parent, I would ask, please don’t give other moms more grief about how they express the challenges that fall disproportionately on them even though they do have co-parents. This is a forum for that kind of stuff, so let it be expressed as long as some measure of sensitivity is preserved.
Anonymous says
I’m expressing a challenge that falls on me. Your casual shorthand is hurtful.
anon says
Your challenge isn’t the only challenge out there. I’m not saying it isn’t harder, but it isn’t the only one. Sorry, but true.
Anonymous says
Ok. I’m not startingWW3, just a request. Maybe think twice about using this phrase if you can say something else. That’s all!
Anon says
I think many of the posts above show that we have thought twice about it and will still use it. Parenting for an extended period without a partner is a challenge. We don’t have to acknowledge that your challenge is more difficult every single time we reference our own situation.
Anonymous says
No. You’re being ridiculous.
Anonymous says
The entire point of the “casual shorthand” is to distinguish between the temporary logistical situation of taking care of kids without another adult present and the actual, much different, situation of single parenting. It sounds like you are very bitter and are taking it out on the people who are actually trying to be sensitive to your situation.
Also, please don’t assume that having a partner is always easier.
Anonymous says
I don’t! Of course not! And I’m not bitter at all, I chose to be a single mom and I love it. I just find this hurtful and inaccurate and sloppy, and think most people using it aren’t trying to do harm and could easily avoid it.
Mama Llama says
I use the term “solo parent” specifically to avoid implying that it’s the same as “single parenting.”
Anonymous says
It’s not effective.
SC says
Is there a kinder way of short-handing the concept “I am solely responsible for childcare while Co-Parent is temporarily physically absent”? Or is any shorthand offensive because, if not spelled out, it might be interpreted as assuming equality with single parenting?
Anonymous says
alone with the kids?
Anonymous says
This. It’s short, accurate, and not hard!
Anon says
I disagree. I think it is effective, and most people will know what you mean.
I also agree that solo parenting is generally not going to be as hard as single parenting, but everyone’s circumstances are different. And it can be incredibly hard.
Anon says
But the term “sole parent” DOES imply that you are a single parent. Sole means one, i.e. that your kid only has one parent. if that is not accurate and your kid has another parent, you are implying the exact thing you are supposedly trying to avoid
Anon says
Sole and solo are not at all the same word. I’m not an English major and I believe they may have the same Latin root or whatever, but sole means “only” and solo means “alone.” A mom whose husband is out of town for work or deployed or whatever is not the sole or only parent of her children. But she is parenting alone or solo.
GCA says
Like many others here, I also use the term solo parenting as a distinction from single parenting, and generally understand it to mean parenting while other partner is not physically available for an extended period.
Now, sole parenting on the other hand: I personally prefer salmon parenting, in which you spawn your children and allow them to migrate to the ocean on their own. Or better yet, arowana parenting, in which you lay the eggs and the dad incubates them in his mouth until they hatch…
Artemis says
Eric Carle’s “Mister Seahorse” comes to mind and this made me laugh :).
Mama Llama says
Yes, I realize what “sole” and “solo” mean. I use this phrase to mean that I, as one parent, am engaging in the activity of parenting or caring for children without the physical presence of the other parent or adult, i.e. alone, i.e. “solo.” I would never say, “I am a solo parent” fullstop. I would say, “I’m frequently solo parenting between school and bedtime.” Or maybe, “I’m a solo parent this weekend while husband is out of town.” I don’t think anyone who heard me say this in context would be confused about what I mean.
Anonymous says
People use the term “solo parenting” because saying “I feel like a single mom” is offensive to single mothers. And I know plenty of un-married mothers who have an involved co-parent, in the same town, who still wear the “Im A Single Mom” badge even though their kids are with co-parent 50% of the time.
I have no qualms saying I’m Solo-Parenting when my husband is on reserve duty 1 Weekend a month and 3-5 weeks at a time a year, or deployed. Every household has different struggles, but it seems like you have a chip on your shoulder. Life isn’t a competition of “whose life is hardest”
Anon says
If your husband is deployed for a month, sole-parenting seems to be an accurate description. Your husband can’t come home if something happens. Depending on where he is, you may not even be able to speak with him. He can’t order grocery from his hotel room and plan activities for the weekend. etc.
If you pick up the kids and get home 30 minutes before your spouse, you are not sole parenting. You are alone with the kids. Otherwise, where does it end? Am I sole parenting cause my husband is in the bathroom? cause he went out to pick up take-out dinner? When he runs to target to get diapers?
Anon says
First of all, it’s “solo parenting” not “sole parenting.” They have a noticeably different meaning and I’ve never head anyone say they’re say sole parenting. I’ve also literally never heard anyone say they’re solo parenting because they get home an hour before their husband. It’s only when their partner is out of town for work (and yes generally unable to come home except in an emergency). It’s not as extreme as a deployment, of course, but being out of town for a week for week is obviously different than running out to Target and it’s a strawman to suggest this is how the term is used.
Anonymous says
People generally talk about solo parenting when they are alone with the kids for the entire evening or longer. Half an hour doesn’t qualify.
anon says
I don’t think anyone on this blog uses the term “solo parenting” to refer to getting home 30 minutes before her co-parent. I also don’t think it is worth getting worked up over something that NO ONE here is intending to be offensive. It’s merely semantics and you happen to not like the term being used.
AnotherAnon says
This. I was more sympathetic to your point before you started flaming every response to your post. We know that “solo parenting” isn’t the same as being a single parent. Maybe you’d be more at home on the main s!te.
Anon says
+1. Solo parenting refers to an extended period of taking care of the entire house and family by yourself. My DH is gone 6-8 days in a row, largely unreachable, home for 1-2 days, then gone again. Those days when he’s gone, I am absolutely doing it all on my own – literally solo parenting, solo householding, etc – and I will absolutely refer to myself as a solo parent.
It’s temporary, because at some point your spouse will come back, and in some cases you can still talk to your spouse every so often. So it’s not single parenting. But my setup is awfully close to the setup of several of my single friends, just instead of going out with my boyfriend on the weekend, I’m eating dinner at home with the kids and husband on a random Tuesday.
CPA Lady says
^ Yes, this was me. My husband was multiple states away 75% of the time for the last year and a half, and was gone even more of the time when she was a baby and young toddler. I don’t have any relatives in town. It was a big deal. It wasn’t like I was alone with my kid for two hours a day and I was woe-is-me-ing about it. It was very difficult and a huge amount of responsibility and never being able to do anything for myself without a bunch of pre-planning (and even that was hard, because his trips would get switched around last minute all the time).
OF COURSE I know that being a single parent is way harder than this, which is why I never compared myself to one. But I did call myself a solo parent, because I was alone the majority of the time.
Anonanonanon says
When I was a single mom, people saying they were “solo parenting” didn’t bug me. I DID get irritated when someone would say they’re “a single mom for the week hahaha!” but “solo-parenting” just meant they were parenting alone for that given period of time. Now that I’m married, I can see it from both sides, and “solo parenting” is difficult in a different way than single parenting, just because it’s often a huge change in routine when it comes up and any big change in routine is difficult for most people.
Anonymous says
I’m happy to have read this because it never occurred to me that someone would feel this way. Like others, I assumed “solo parent” was more respectful than “temporary single parent” or something like that. I personally would only say solo parent when my husband is away for days and mostly unreachable. However, now that I know it’s a trigger for some people, I will avoid the phrase.
I would never have referred to an evening alone as solo parenting though.
Anonly says
Interesting. Similar to lots of the ladies here, I spend about half the month solo parenting (meaning, my partner is out of contact, very far away and could not come home if there is an emergency until the appointed time). Every pick up, drop off, sick day falls to me during that time. I consider this solo parenting, because I have to rely solely on myself to take care of my kid during this time. My bestie, who is a single mom with no involvement from her child’s father, jokes that I’m an honorary single mom. (Please don’t flame me for this… it’s just a joke and we rely on each other heavily)
In my mind, single parents are like my bestie – no co-parent involvement. I would not claim this, because the time I’m alone is hella hard but I do get a break & also, my partner is involved and is a wonderful parent when in town.
I’ve heard similar criticism from SAHM about working parents calling themselves full time moms…
Anonymous says
Why is everyone getting so defensive about their use of the term “solo parenting” without taking the time to understand why OP might be upset at the use of the term. Giving examples ad nauseam about why your particular circumstance fit the term don’t at all address the fact that it can be offensive to single parents. And using the term “solo parenting” doesn’t make sense to describe any of your situations because “parenting” is the act of child rearing–full stop. Your spouses don’t automatically stop rearing your children when they are away or unavailable.
Anon says
By your logic, your ex doesn’t automatically stop rearing your children when he’s moved out either. So unless you’re a widow/widower, you’re literally just parenting. And you REALLY shouldn’t get any special treatment if you share custody because clearly the other parent is involved, so you’re not a single parent. Full stop.
They’re different words, describing different situations. It doesn’t make sense for a single parent to be offended by the term solo parent. It’s not the same and it’s not trying to be.
anon says
+1 to this. If the divorced partner is still in the picture and shares custody then they are still a parent, so does that mean you aren’t a single parent? Just silly. I plan to still use the phrase “solo parenting”.
an says
Then you are a co-parent.
Anon says
Yeah this is a good point. I know a lot of women who are divorced, but have a good relationship with their exes and are very much jointly raising their children. Dad may even be involved in events that take place during mom’s custody week if the child wants both parents there. Are they then not single parents?
Anonymous says
Not sure how you made the leap in logic to say that my statement extends to divorces and separations where custody arrangements are altered. My comment explicitly referenced temporary situations where the other parent is away or unavailable due to circumstances other than divorce or separation.
CPA Lady says
Okay, but when you’re parenting without your co-parent around 75 or 80%+ of the time for years on end, its not exactly temporary, and I think some folks (myself included) are being defensive is because it sounds like you and the OP are conflating “parenting by yourself most of the time” with “being alone with your kids for two hours and acting like you’re a single mother” and using the latter to discount the former. And those are totally different scenarios.
Once it gets to that point where you’ve been doing it by yourself 80% of the time for years, it has actually turned into a lifestyle where you’ve set up all kinds of systems, made massive sacrifices, and cut all kinds of corners to make it happen. FOR. YEARS. It’s not a one off. I would not call it solo parenting when I’m alone with my kid for a couple hours before my husband got home from something. (I would also not care if someone else called it that though, because I know that they are capable of understanding that two hours alone with your kids is not remotely as difficult as being the only parent in the house 80% of the time, the same way I can comprehend that being the only parent in the house 80% of the time is not remotely as difficult as being the only parent in the house 100% of the time– no matter what you call it.)
And FWIW, I would have actually been in a much better situation in terms of parenting load if I had been divorced with split custody than I was when I was parenting by myself while my husband was out of town most of the time.
Anonymous says
I was not conflating “parenting by yourself most of the time” with “being alone with your kids for two hours.” In each of those cases, I am saying using the term “solo parenting” is unnecessary. The situation you described was for sure an awful breakdown in parenting, and I can’t imagine how difficult that was. And I understand the impulse to want to name a situation like that where you feel like the burden of parenting is falling squarely on your shoulders without any support from your spouse, whether by choice or life circumstances. However, does being able to use the term “solo parenting” add relieve any of that burden or add in value in describing your circumstances? And does the value in using a blanket term like that outweigh the offense it causes? It seems to me that people are deriving some kind of badge of honor from being able to use “solo parenting” to describe a wide ranging set of circumstances. I get it, parenting is tough. And its even harder, when you are taking over a greater share of it than your partner. BUT, in the end of the day, you still have a partner to help (except in divorce, altered custody arrangements, etc…) And that is why the use of the term “solo parenting” rings hollow to me.
Anon says
I think you don’t get that a divorced person with the other parent in the picture generally only has their kids 50% of the time (unless you’re talking about nursing infants who would be with the mother more). Some of the commenters here are married people whose partners travel 70% or more of the time. Their partners are not helping with child-rearing any more than a divorced mom’s co-partner helps, maybe less.
There’s a huge spectrum of how much help you have from your partner. At one end is a widow or single mom by choice who has no partner in parenting. At the other end is a two parent family where neither parent travels for work and they share household and childcare responsibilities 50-50. Everyone else falls in between that, and many divorced parents actually fall more towards the shared end of the spectrum because they have a partner in *parenting* (even if that person is not their life partner).
Anon says
*co-parent, that is. Not “co-partner”
Anonymous says
Ummmm I used a sperm doner so yup. Single parent. Also, congrats on trying to score points and a small handful of people saying hey this thing hurts and doesn’t seem super necessary maybe let’s not.
Anon says
I think what you’re missing is that no one is trying to score points here. You don’t get “points” for solo parenting. But it is a thing that people do, and it can be really hard. Single parenting is a different thing altogether that is also hard, often probably harder. But it’s not a competition, we are all just trying to get by. Telling someone they can’t label their situation because it isn’t as hard as you’re own isn’t really fair.
Anon says
“Your spouses don’t automatically stop rearing your children when they are away or unavailable.”
I disagree, I think a parent who is out of town has actually stepped away from child-rearing temporarily. Being physically away from the home and unable to help the other parent with any childcare duties is not child-rearing. I also think there’s a distinction between “I’m a solo parent” and “I’m solo parenting this week.” I wouldn’t describe myself as a solo parent just because my husband travels frequently for work, but when he’s away, I am solo parenting for that short time.
Anon says
I don’t think anyone is being defensive. They are explaining why they consider it “solo parenting.” And if you think that a husband who is out of town for work weeks at a time is “parenting” the same way that a mom who is home alone for that time with the kids, I can only assume you have not been the mom in that situation. Because a dad who is out of the country for two weeks is absolutely positively not parenting the way the mom is at that time. Collectively, the responses above have taken the time to understand OP and why she might be upset at the use of the term. Many responses agree that she has a chip on her shoulder.
be kind says
In my marriage, I’m the one who travels. I will be gone all next week, which means that my husband will be parenting by himself that week. “Solo parenting” is a great short hand for that time period, as I will be unavailable but he is not an actual single parent.
OP intentionally misconstrued the term to criticize it: “Are we really calling it solo parenting every time you’re physically the only parent with your kids?” and “isn’t physically home at a given moment.” People don’t use the term that way.
I wanted to give OP the benefit of the doubt (maybe she didn’t realize what people meant?), but the responses make it clear that she just has a chip in her shoulder.
Anonymous says
Well, literally someone did use it that way today, and people actually do often use it that way.
Anonymous says
An earlier poster said “I solo parent for a good chunk of the weekdays”. I took that to mean most weekdays her husband was out of town (like a consultant who flies out on Monday morning and back on Thursday night or something). I didn’t take it to mean she’s alone for two hours when she gets home and calling that “solo parenting”.
Anon says
Yes, obviously. OP is getting bent out of shape for no reason.
Anonymous says
I travel for work and yes, when I’m travelling, I’m not parenting – except maybe you could argue when I was pumping/dealing with my milk, because I was involved in the future act of feeding my child.
Maybe it’s just me and my husband but we don’t do much ’emotional labor’ when travelling either – the spouse who is home is in charge of food, house, pets, kids, etc 100%. Especially with time changes it really doesn’t work to have the travelling spouse try to do anything.
I really had no idea this term offended people so much. It’s good to know, I can stop certainly stop using it – no one ever mentioned before that it had a negative connotation!
Anon says
It does not have a negative connotation, except to this one poster who seems to have decided it’s somehow offensive but has yet to articulate a reason why. (Other than single parenting is harder, which is likely a true statement but not a reason to stop using a term that describes a *different* situation.)
Anonymous says
That’s my point! You are the solo parent. There is another parent. That’s all. I’m not saying anyone is a terrible person for using it or anything, it just hurts and it’d be nice if people could reconsider.
Anon says
Why does this term hurt? Does it make you feel like posters who use it are trying to diminish your hardships as a single parent?
Anon says
I agree with you that someone isn’t solo parenting every time their spouse leaves the house. But some people do spend significant amounts of time solo parenting (but not single parenting.) And it’s helpful to have a term for that.
lawsuited says
I think there’s a spectrum here that goes from “single parenting” (child only has one parent so single parent is 100% responsible for all aspects of parenting and household) to “co-parenting” (child has two parents who do not live together so parenting responsibilities are shared but across 2 households each with their own household responsibilities) to “solo parenting” (child has two parents but one parent is 100% responsible for all aspects of parenting and household for a period of time due to absence of the other parent) to “alone with children” (child has two parents but one parent is at the store, commuting, mowing the lawn, etc.)
IHeartBacon says
This was such a strange thread. The OP is correct that more words could be used to describe the exact, individual situations that get discussed here, but why use all those words when there is a shorthand for it? I suppose the OP is entitled to feel offended, and I can’t take that away from her, but it’s a strange thing to be offended by. If a friend of mine who was in a less demanding job was complaining to me about how hard a particular time in her “career” was, I would never be offended by her use of the word “career” just because my job is a true career and my career is more demanding and stressful than hers. I might roll my eyes behind her back, but why would I be offended by her use of the word? And I certainly wouldn’t demand that she stop using that word.
Anon in NYC says
My 3.5 year old is showing great interest in sparkly, “girly” things (she loves putting on lipstick in the mornings with me, loves sequins, pink, etc.). We’re getting her this amazing pink sequined purse for Christmas (I’m sort of jealous), but I’d like to get her some of her own “lipstick” as well so I can stop putting my makeup on her. Are Lip Smackers a good option for this age? I didn’t wear makeup until I was like 14+ so I’m a little lost!
Anonymous says
How about those EOS lip balms? The spherical shape is fun, the scents are yummy, and imprecision will not show the same way it would with gloss.
Anonymous says
+1 they are also easy to open for little hands
Lyssa says
I think Lip Smackers would work well. I gave my 3 year old an old tube of lip gloss (the squeezy kind), and she loves it, though it is too messy for her to use well (though I see that as part of the fun). BTW, I found an old bag and filled it with all of my unused make up (things where the color wasn’t quite right or whatever) and told her it was her very own make up bag. You would have thought that I had given her a million dollars; she was so thrilled. (I do keep it out of her reach and tell her she can only use it when I’m watching.)
Anonymous says
Got a call from preschool teacher yesterday that preschool daughter showed her privates to another kid at school. Teacher said its NBD and it happens all the time. Asked daughter why she would do this, she was sad and embarrassed about it, said that another kid was doing it at school. How do I address this? Is this something I should be worried about? Have no idea how to handle this.
Anonymous says
You did address it! Tell her not to, remind her those parts are private, and call it a day. Totally normal.
RR says
IMO, this is pretty normal 3 year old behavior. I would reinforce with your daughter that our private areas should not be shown to friends in public, but otherwise I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. There was a period of about a year when my son was 4 that I uttered the words “stop touching your pen!s” way more than I ever thought I would in my life. Apparently it was pointing the wrong direction or something. He grew out of it.
anon says
Ok, along these same lines, my 4 year old son recently asked me why he couldn’t go to swim lessons naked. What do you give as the “why” for keeping private parts private?
Anon says
Because that’s where pee and poop come out, and we don’t want to spread germs. So we keep those parts covered, and keep our hands out, at all times.
Anon says
…but you don’t keep your nose and mouth covered at all times and I would argue those spread even more germs.
Anon says
….what? No, your mouth does not spread more germs than your bathroom region. Maybe when you sneeze or cough, but you should cover your mouth then.
anon says
Brainstorming: Because it makes people around us uncomfortable and we want to respect the people we spend time with? Good luck with that one!
Emily S. says
Late, but in case you’re checking in: Try “Beyond the Birds and Bees” by Bonnie J. Rough for a really thoughtful exploration of why we call body parts private and how families can make decisions about what to call private parts and how to keep them private or show them off. It’s too nuanced an issue for a comment, but it offers gentle guidance and freedom to make your own decisions about what you name them and how you discuss them with a toddler.
Getting back into the workforce says
I’m interviewing someone tomorrow for an associate position at my firm. She’s been a stay at home mom for many years. Should I (can I?) ask her anything different than I ask other candidates?
Anon says
I would try to give her an opportunity to talk about how what she learned as a stay at home mom might translate to this role. I’ve never stayed home full-time, but I know being a mom has made me better at managing, communicating, delivering on tight timelines, etc., because so much of what you have to do with kids translates to a traditional workplace.
Blueberries says
If it were me, I’d ask how she has stayed up to date with changes or plans to get up to date (assuming there have been significant changes in the area of law in the intervening time).
Also, just wanted to say that it’s awesome that your firm is interviewing someone who has been out of the workforce for awhile.
Good Wife says
Is it Alicia Florrick?
IHeartBacon says
Teehee.
Anonanonanon says
Are your questions situational? I usually doing hiring on behalf of the government so my knee-jerk reaction is “OMG NO DON”T ASK ANYTHING DIFFERENT THATS A LAWSUIT WAITING TO HAPPEN” but maybe that’s not the case in the private sector. If you have situational questions, maybe just encourage everyone to keep an open-mind and listen to questions that relate to non-workplace answers.
Examples I’m thinking of would be if she is asked about a time she had to deal with multiple stakeholders who had conflicting priorities, she may have a great story about being PTA President and juggling the conflicting wishes of the school administration, the teachers, and the parents regarding how money would be spent, but ultimately reaching a budget that everyone was happy with and how she navigated that situation. Or volunteering with a group where she scheduled meetings, arranged for venues, kept minutes, etc.
In other words, I wouldn’t ask her anything different, it’s up to her to advocate for herself and tie her experience to the job. If she has the skills, no matter how she’s come about them, they’ll shine through.
Anonanonanon says
For some reason I misread the position as an administrative assistant the first time around (clearly juggling too many things at once), but some of what I said still stands, although the examples I gave are not necessarily relevant. Oops!