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Anon says
10/29/2019 at 9:59 ami’m kind of struggling with the transition of parenting baby twins to toddler twins with a baby, i was trying as much as possible to try to figure out why they were crying, what i could do to make it stop and apparently you “can’t spoil a baby.” but now trying to make sure my kids learn that they can’t always get their way, or instant gratification, etc. involves more crying than they did when they were babies and it is hard!
Anonymous says
10/29/2019 at 10:07 am‘Do you want a hug?’ Is something we ask a lot when they are upset about being told no even at age 4-5. It’s hard being a little person and learning to regulate your emotions. Comforting them when they are upset is not the same as letting them do whatever they want. You can hold firm on no cake before dinner, but still offer a hug or cuddle to soothe.
I also find that my three do better when they’ve been getting some one on one attention even if only a few minutes. We also try to change up the dynamics by not always defaulting to one parent taking the twins and the other parent taking 3rd kid for errands. Having one parent take one kid + baby allows other twin to have one on one time with a parent.
Anon says
10/29/2019 at 10:51 amThis. After a no, we typically get instant fake-wails, which we follow with do you want a hug (sometimes she says yes, sometimes she says no to the hug). We say no a lot because my kid has never met a boundary she couldn’t test, every single minute. Kiddo also watches a lot of esme and roy and when there are monster meltdowns, they sing a song and do deep breathing. So there’s also a lot of “take a deep breath, put your hand on tummy, feel your belly rise and fall, in through your nose, out through your mouth, it’s not hard at all,” with a moderate success rate assuming kiddo isn’t in full meltdown mode.
Anon says
10/29/2019 at 12:04 pmi feel like these things would work well as they get older, but right now they are only 16 months old, and don’t exactly have the most extensive vocabulary. one twin probably has about 15 words, but the other only really has 2 or 3
Anon says
10/29/2019 at 12:18 pmMy two year old maybe has 15 words, a different issue, but her receptive language has always been more advanced. We have done the “do you want a hug” thing since about 12 months, except when we started, it was like “Do you want a hug? Mama thinks you need a hug” and then give her a hug without waiting for a response. Around 15 months, we would ask “do you want a hug” and she would run over with her arms outstretched. So it’s probably worth trying even if their expressive language isn’t enough to express feelings – their receptive language may be advanced enough to understand you. We also do a lot of naming of feelings and Daniel Tiger – I don’t think she gets it now, but “yes, I know you’re frustrated because mama won’t let you play with the glasses” helps them at least start hearing the words for their feelings once they’re ready to use their words.
Anon says
10/29/2019 at 12:38 pmMy 20 month old has plenty of receptive language, but gets more upset when she’s crying and we ask her “do you want a hug?” I think some kids don’t want to be touched when they’re mad, so this definitely isn’t a silver bullet even when they’re more verbal.
Coach Laura says
10/29/2019 at 5:40 pmI think I need this: “take a deep breath, put your hand on tummy, feel your belly rise and fall, in through your nose, out through your mouth, it’s not hard at all.”
Anonymous says
10/29/2019 at 12:23 pmAll of this. Dividing your attention among 3 kids is hard! DH and I try to each spend some one on one time with each kid every week. It can be as small as reading a story to just one kid, playing with some kid-selected toy, or snuggling and talking for a couple minutes; or more involved like bringing just one kid along on an errand, or taking one to a special event. My kids are hugely sensitive to how much individual attention they get. They can’t put it into words (even at 3,5, and 6.5), but we will see a big difference in behavior when we have been doing all group activities vs making time for solo ones.
duvet cover says
10/29/2019 at 10:36 amI was planning on ordering a new duvet cover from the Company Store. If anyone has had linens from there, would you order from there again? Thanks!
Anonymous says
10/29/2019 at 10:47 amOh definitely they’re very nice quality
Anon says
10/29/2019 at 10:52 amYes. I’ve been ordering from them for over a decade. Just placed an order last week for mattress protectors for my toddler’s big girl bed.
Anonymous says
10/29/2019 at 12:07 pmI would not. The fabric itself is very nice but I vowed never again after the elastic in a fitted sheet didn’t hold up even for a year, plus their customer experience was disappointing. I don’t remember specifics, but it was bad enough I no longer get linens there (formerly my go to). I get Peacock Alley at Tuesday Morning or the Kirkland ones at Costco now.
Buddy Holly says
10/29/2019 at 12:17 pmI had a similar experience. I really like the stuff we have ordered from Boll & Branch and have heard great things about Parachute.
Anonymous says
10/29/2019 at 10:39 amToday in “things my kids did”. I have a 1,3 and 6 year old. My older 2 will often play together happily, but only recently has my 1 year old joined in. Yesterday after the oldest got on the bus, the younger two were totally quiet. Too quiet. I found them in a bedroom with the door closed playing “camp out” with my 3 y/o “reading” by flashlight to the toddler. Adorable! I closed the door at their request and got another cup of coffee. They came downstairs and a few minutes later went into a closet downstairs. More blissful silence. Too much silence. “Where are you guys?” “Playing in the closet mom!” “Are you being safe?” “Yes!” I finally thought it was too good to be true, opened the door and found them both scarfing halloween candy like there was no tomorrow. Toddler didn’t even stop to try and unwrap–just ate starbursts right through the wrapper. Preschooler had chocolate all over her face and her cheeks were stuffed with Nerds.
I laughed so, so hard. And then took away the candy.
Pogo says
10/29/2019 at 11:52 amhahahaha that is adorable and hilarious.
Anonanonanon says
10/29/2019 at 11:53 amHAHAHA! awww I love that they’re already scheming together!
ElisaR says
10/29/2019 at 11:57 amthey sound like quite a team!
Anon says
10/29/2019 at 12:05 pmthis literally made me lol
Anonymous says
10/29/2019 at 10:40 amRecommendations for a travel potty? We are about to start potty training and I’d like to have something to help when we are out of the house. Ideally something that would go in her diaper bag I guess?
Anonymous says
10/29/2019 at 10:43 amThe Potette.
Anonymous says
10/29/2019 at 10:45 amWe used a foldable potty seat from Target or Walmart. Kept it in ziploc bag in the diaper bag. Make sure you add flushable wipes to the diaper bag as well.
Anonymous says
10/29/2019 at 11:36 amGilmars folding seat. I found it on Amazon
Anon says
10/29/2019 at 10:53 amThis one: https://www.amazon.com/OXO-Tot-2-Potty-Travel/dp/B071GV1VYY
Works well b/c it can be a stand alone potty, but also can go on top of a big potty to make it not as big for them. Comes with a travel bag so you can carry it in a diaper bag.
These are the bags you use when you use it as a stand alone: https://www.amazon.com/OXO-Tot-Potty-Refill-Count/dp/B00NFJICL2/ref=pd_bxgy_194_img_2/140-7095153-0409838?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=B00NFJICL2&pd_rd_r=a6959e91-8616-4500-a612-b85f19d99ed8&pd_rd_w=oekoh&pd_rd_wg=hVXAK&pf_rd_p=09627863-9889-4290-b90a-5e9f86682449&pf_rd_r=QQY8CW41BF8B6G0Q4HT3&psc=1&refRID=QQY8CW41BF8B6G0Q4HT3
Good luck!
Thank you says
10/29/2019 at 1:15 pmNot OP but THANK YOU. After a weekend of coercing my newly trained 2yr old to use public restrooms this is much needed.
BabyBoom says
10/29/2019 at 4:29 pmWe love this and my kids mostly used the stand-alone feature until they got big enough to not be scared of the “big people potty.” You can use a plastic grocery bag and a diaper for absorption in place of the brand refill bag for using it as a stand alone potty.
Anonymous says
10/29/2019 at 11:43 amThe foldable oxo seat is great.
H13 says
10/29/2019 at 11:51 amWhat kind of behavior management systems are used in your kids’ early elementary school classrooms? Do you like the approach? Why or why not?
We’ve had what I consider a pretty standard system in K and 1st but (initial warnings, names on the board, loss of 5 minutes of recess at a certain point, etc.) but there is chatter about it being too punitive, akin to public shaming, etc.
I’m curious what others see working. Does anyone forgo these kinds of systems entirely?
Pogo says
10/29/2019 at 11:56 amAll I can say is that until reading that I had completely forgotten the “name on board” thing. So it must not have scarred me for life? Curious to read what is going on in today’s elementary schools.
ElisaR says
10/29/2019 at 11:58 amname on the board! I forgot that too. Although if I’m being honest, I’m certain my name was never one that was on the board. So I could see how it is kind of shaming but it certainly worked….
Anon says
10/29/2019 at 12:02 pmmy name was also likely never the one on the board, but i always wondered if that was meant as public shaming or really to help the teacher keep track amidst everything else going on in the classroom
Anonanonanon says
10/29/2019 at 12:00 pmMy child’s public school system has forbidden that entirely, along with red pens to correct tests and the entire concept of spelling tests. (so yes, my 9-year-old cannot spell). The red pen and spelling test policy is ridiculous to me. This is how I have young-ish employees who almost cry when I send back a document with track changes in red.
Honestly, as far as the behavior thing works, it actually works well for my child. He had one teacher that disregarded the system policy and did the name on the board system, and it was very confusing to him. He felt he was punished the same for speaking without raising his hand when he got excited to answer a question as a kid who kicked someone or called someone “stupid”. He got his name on the board quite a bit for chatting and internalized that he was one of the worst-behaved children in the class. I met with the teacher and she said “of course not, he’s so sweet and one of the most well-behaved children!” and I pointed out the disconnect between that sentiment and the fact his name was on the board more than a child who bit people or was actively mean, but it didn’t go anywhere. It was a rough year and made him shut down regarding school. This year, he has a teacher who just gives him a look if he interrupts, or says something like “If my mouth is moving yours shouldn’t be!” and he responds much better to that.
He was chatting with one friend in particular, and the teacher told him that she has another teacher she likes chatting with, so they don’t sit next to each other in meetings because they don’t want to chat and get in trouble, and let him come to the conclusion he shouldn’t sit next to his buddy during class time. That is way more effective- and useful in the long-term- than putting a child’s name on the board.
Anonymous says
10/29/2019 at 12:03 pmThis exactly. It’s hard and it’s more work but it’s also better.
H13 says
10/29/2019 at 12:09 pmI would love to help my school get to this point. I think the systems are out of date but I also get the teachers’ reliance on them. It seems to work well for my kid but I find we talk about it far more than anything else that happens at school (except maybe recess).
Anonymous says
10/29/2019 at 12:23 pmIf you are spending a lot of time talking about it with your kid, it’s probably not working well for him even if he never actually gets in trouble.
Anonymous says
10/29/2019 at 12:19 pmThis is why I am opposed to the very structured behavior management systems with graduated sanctions and formalized warning systems (traffic light cards, popsicle sticks in an envelope, etc.). They aren’t effective with the problem kids, and they cause so much anxiety among the kids who are basically well behaved.
H13 says
10/29/2019 at 1:05 pmYes – definitely heard about some kids suffering from anxiety as a result.
Redux says
10/29/2019 at 2:17 pmOur K classroom has a “reminder notebook.” If you break a rule, you visit the reminder notebook and write your name down next to the rule you broke– be respectful, be safe, etc. Each visit to the reminder notebook costs you 5 min of recess. So, not quite the public shaming of the name on the board, but still punitive. My kid, who is the only kid in K to have never visited the reminder notebook even once, is OBSESSED with the reminder notebook. She wakes up in the morning and says, I hope I don’t visit the reminder notebook today! And then reports back every afternoon about how she didn’t visit the reminder notebook. So. Much. Anxiety. Which is probably her thing with or without the reminder notebook, but it sure isn’t helping.
Anonymous says
10/29/2019 at 12:02 pmIn my state schools are now explicitly required to implement positive behavior techniques. No names on the board (it isn’t akin to public shaming, it literally is public shaming) limits to how often you can lose recess, if you do lose recess you must be provided with restorative justice measures during that time etc.
I think it’s great and encourage people to remember the point of these policies is to try and protect brown kids from the school to prison pipeline.
H13 says
10/29/2019 at 12:10 pmWow. That is amazing. What state? I would love to help our district identify policies to consider.
We have almost no diversity in our district and there is a reliance on the idea that we have “the best” schools in the area/state when anyone suggests change. (I call BS on a lot of that.)
Anonymous says
10/29/2019 at 12:43 pmhttps://www.njsba.org/news-publications/school-board-notes/august-21-2018-vol-xlii-no-5/legislative-update-governor-approves-recess-bill-other-education-related-measures/
https://www.njsba.org/news-publications/school-leader/september-october-2016-volume-47-2/keeping-the-peace/
Anon says
10/29/2019 at 12:12 pmI don’t remember names on the board growing up, thank goodness, and they sound terrible (as does the colored card system)!! It’s definitely trying to use shaming and peer pressure to force “good” behavior (when in reality the “bad” behavior is probably due to increased academic expectations and less/no recess or rest time). Kids are not little adults, but they deserve the same dignity and respect — can you imagine if they posted the names of employees who made “mistakes” that day up in the office?
So Anon says
10/29/2019 at 12:31 pmOof. If we called out every or even half of the mistakes that adults make at home and at work, my name would always be on “the board.”
So Anon says
10/29/2019 at 12:29 pmMy kids’ schools use responsive classroom and pbis (positive behavioral intervention and support). Both focus on positive reinforcement and connecting academic learning to emotional-social learning. Each teacher puts his or her spin on it, but I have seen it work well for both of my kids who have very different needs. I’ve spent time in each of my kids’ classes (1st and 3rd grades) over the past week, and I am amazed at how positive the environment is, the positive yet benign presence of the teachers during group work and the focus on academics and social/emotional aspects of learning.
Our schools do not do name on the board or take away recess. My recollection is that taking away recess is counterproductive because you are frequently taking away the opportunity for physical exertion and release for kids that really need it. I have noticed that the younger grades have a “take a break” spot in the classroom, where a child can go when he/she is having trouble regulating their bodies. Some classrooms have bouncy balls for seats, teachers who will put wiggle boards under a chair so a child can fidget without interrupting the class, etc. The teacher also has hand signals that kids can use while a teacher is talking to express their excitement, agreement with an idea, etc. It is so great that I have starting to use it at home so that a kid can express their emotions without interrupting in the middle of a sentence. From what I have seen, these opportunities to let kids be kids, express emotions and yet not interrupt the learning prevents a fair amount of the discipline issues from arising in the first place.
H13 says
10/29/2019 at 1:10 pmYour school and its approach sound incredible. So lucky.
Anon says
10/29/2019 at 12:44 pmMy daughter is not in school yet, but I volunteer in our elementary school. The school uses an app called Classroom Dojo that basically gives kids points for good behavior and subtracts points for bad behavior. If they get enough points they earn rewards. I believe it’s all private, kids can’t see other kids scores (but parents can). I don’t think it’s a terrible idea in theory but I’ve heard a lot of complaints about it – a lot of parents of well-behaved kids have told me it causes their kids anxiety because they worry they’re not getting enough good behavior points. Teachers also use it very inconsistently – there are some teachers that only award the positive points (so a “good” kid might have 100 points and a “bad” kid might have 20 points) but then other teachers who are much more liberal with the negative points, so a good kid might have 20 points and a bad kid might have -20. It can be hard when kids just see the number and think they’re doing badly, when in reality it’s just that their first grade teacher is stingier with the points than the kindergarten teacher was!
Pogo says
10/29/2019 at 1:11 pmYikes, that one sounds like the worst of all worlds! It’s the actual plot of The Good Place lol
Anonymous says
10/29/2019 at 1:32 pmOur elementary school used Classroom Dojo a while back, and my civil rights attorney neighbor went on a warpath to get it removed (and won).
KW says
10/29/2019 at 2:25 pmMy 2nd grader’s school uses Classroom Dojo. The school also uses the color system, which I question as being too public/shaming kids in front of peers. Everyone starts on green every day, and if they do something wrong, they can get a color change down to yellow, or worse, to red. They bring home a folder everyday that shows parents the color they ended the day on, and if it’s yellow or red, an explanation for the color change.
RR says
10/29/2019 at 2:19 pmI am very against any of the “public shaming” behavior management systems–name on board, red/yellow/green, etc. I don’t publicly shame adults who work with me, and I don’t think it’s appropriate for children. There’s research supporting that it’s not helpful.
Personally, I come from the place of a parent of a child who starting at age 4 was always “red.” Just always. He was an energetic boy with (not yet diagnosed) ADHD. So, every day, he went to school and got to be the “bad” kid. His classmates would comment about it at pickup–“Mrs. R, Son’s on red again today!”–so it was certainly something they noticed. I shut it down within a few months and have pushed back in all childcare situations since, but it had lasting effects as the beginning of him being told explicitly or implicitly that he was “bad.” It actually made managing his behavior more difficult.
I’m a fan of positive reinforcement.
H13 says
10/29/2019 at 2:30 pmMy husband and I talk a lot about how to move away from the good/bad dichotomy. It isn’t something we do at home and we’ve had to be thoughtful about how to talk about it when our kid says he or another kid was good/bad. It’s really hard.
Anonymous says
10/29/2019 at 2:27 pmInteresting discussion! As far as I know my 1st grader’s class does not cut recess or put names on the board. The class as a whole earns (or loses) green marbles in a jar for good (or bad) behavior. The rewards are really random – extra recess, everyone can be barefoot in the classroom (!?), everyone gets to have time to draw on their desks with a dry erase marker, etc. So I like that overall it’s positive and communal. My child has mentioned to me that there is one girl in his class that has had to go to the principal’s office a couple of times so I guess it’s not 100% effective for everyone.
Anonymous says
10/29/2019 at 3:23 pmSpeaking of…
https://www.washingtonpost.com/technology/2019/10/29/school-apps-track-students-classroom-bathroom-parents-are-struggling-keep-up/?arc404=true
Anon says
10/29/2019 at 12:09 pmi have a 2 year old and 3 year old (no this was not planned) and my 3 year old is more introverted, not as cuddly, while my 2 year old is more extroverted and loves to hug, kiss, cuddle, play together, etc. and does not seem to understand why on earth her sister does not want to be kissed by her all the time, so my 2 year old is often trying to kiss/cuddle with my 3 year old, while she is saying no. i know 2 is a bit young to really understand this, but my 3 year old is also starting to really dislike her sister because of this, even though the 2 year old is coming from a place of love. any advice on how to handle? we do try to spend time with each of them alone, but i also do a decent amount of solo parenting during the week
Anonymous says
10/29/2019 at 12:21 pmPhysically remove the 2-year-old if necessary. Also make a big deal about consent to touching. Ask the 2-year-old if she would like a hug before hugging her, every time.
Anonymous says
10/29/2019 at 12:30 pmOne of my twins is more handsy like this. We are just very consistent that he has to ask permission before hugging/kissing anyone and has to stop immediately if they say no. Sometimes this requires physical intervention on our part. Even at 2 years old they can ask ‘hug okay’? before hugging.
Anonymous says
10/29/2019 at 1:45 pmWe’ve also given time outs before for refusing to stop hugging. To me it’s much more important that the kid who doesn’t want to have a hug is supported in say ‘no’ to touches they don’t want, vs the kid who wants to hug being upset about not getting to hug.
Anonymous says
10/29/2019 at 12:47 pmTell the 2 year old no and move her away every time. Teach her boundaries.
Anonymous says
10/29/2019 at 1:27 pm2 is not too young to be taught boundaries and how/when to touch others. Developmentally this starts around 18m. You will need to consistently physically intervene. My daughter has a friend/classmate who is very handsy and the mom is not consistent with correction. She’s even like oh well it’s affection so it comes from a good place…no, my DD does not want to be touched and it pisses me off when I basically see her assualted with a choke hold and kisses on the mouth. The teacher has firmly cracked down on this.
Anon says
10/29/2019 at 1:47 pmI realize I’m very late to this, but does anyone know where I can find skeleton outfits/ pjs for my husband and I? Or at least skeleton leggings? The kids are all set… thanks so much!
Coach Laura says
10/29/2019 at 5:49 pmAmazon is the (ubiquitous) answer.
So Anon says
10/29/2019 at 1:48 pmIs anyone else facing the prospect of a rainy Halloween? I just ordered clear ponchos to go over costumes, have a large umbrella, and I think we will just go with it from there.
Anon says
10/29/2019 at 1:56 pmYes, and so glad kiddo is 2 and we are not taking her out so that this is not an issue yet! Our preschool just sent around a note that two local shopping malls are doing indoor trick or treating on Halloween, so maybe something like that is an option?
My sister is in Chicago and I think she said she’s looking at a snowy Halloween – my mom reminded me this morning that they always had to make sure their costumes could accommodate long underwear because you just never knew!
Redux says
10/29/2019 at 2:23 pmUs, too, and my 5-yo is devastated. Our plan is to put them in rainboots and carry umbrellas for a short walk in a neighborhood where the houses are close together. I think they will be pretty bummed, so I may plan some fun activities at home. Like a hands-behind-back pie eating contest? Other ideas?
RR says
10/29/2019 at 2:25 pmYes. My kids are old enough that they will probably just brave the weather, but we did trick or treating at Ikea one year when my youngest was still a baby to avoid the torrential rain.
KW says
10/29/2019 at 2:26 pmUm, I’m in the Midwest and we’re expecting snow tomorrow and Thursday! I hate that for the kids because they have to cover up their costumes with heavy coats.
Anonymous says
10/29/2019 at 2:47 pmFWIW, Canadian Halloween can involve snow but usually the kids can get by with a double layer of clothes (ski long underwear + thin down or fleece) under their costumes plus a hat and mitt/gloves and wearing winter boots.
FVNC says
10/29/2019 at 3:17 pmUs, too, and I convinced my daughter to change her costume to “skier”. She went skiing for the first time last winter so was very receptive to this idea, thankfully!
Anonymous says
10/29/2019 at 5:01 pmI grew up in the Ohio snowbelt and regularly had snow for Halloween. I still resent my mom making me wear a sweat suit under my hula girl costume, plus winter coat on top. I mean, she was right, and I should have picked a costume that was more likely to have outdoor success…but winter coat, boots and grass skirt is ridiculous.
We’re supposed to have light rain here and it might cut trick or treating a bit short, but it definitely won’t stop my candy fiend kids.
Anon says
10/29/2019 at 2:32 pmI will do you one better…a snowy Halloween. Thanks, I hate it.
So Anon says
10/29/2019 at 3:36 pmUgh – sorry to those of you facing snow. We’ve had snow in years past, but are “lucky” this year that it will be warm, which means that it will be in the 50s with rain. We always layer up anyway at this time of year. For my little family, my “witch-cat” (she couldn’t decide) will be complete with fleece tights and a fleece top under her witch/cat outfit. My oldest is going as a character from minecraft, so he will be layered as well.
Anonymous says
10/29/2019 at 5:59 pmCanadian here, it’s cool to see what people plan around their snowsuits depending on what part of the country you live in. Snow currently on the ground where we live and many kids (especially the littles) will be trick o treating in malls, senior centers, parking lots etc. The door to door thing still happens of course but people usually take their kids to places where there’s going to be full participation of the whole community to save on pointless walking in the cold.