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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anonymous says
This is a great article about the hidden load that moms carry. I disagree with her suggestion that moms just stop doing some stuff because the dads will pick it up. That has not been my experience and the kids suffer which isn’t fair to them. Like I tried that with the kids learning his mother tongue, it wasn’t picked up and now their grandmother and cousins can’t understand them.
Anonymous says
https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20210518-the-hidden-load-how-thinking-of-everything-holds-mums-back
Cb says
I do think there is a balance that can be struck. I’ve got a little kid so we haven’t been confronted by the “big” decision points like summer care, aftercare etc, but I have tried to decide what I care about and what I don’t, and that helps. We just opt out of certain things which cause people a lot of angst – professional photos, really complex meals, those photos of kids month by month? And I remind myself that some of it is self-imposed, I spent ages spending the perfect duvet cover for my kiddo and he’s been sleeping in a pillowcase since it arrived.
Anonymous says
I’ve definitely long ago let go of the little stuff like duvet covers but with more kids does come more coordination. And as kids get older they start asking for stuff – Can I do swimming lessons with Susie? I want to learn the flute. I want to learn karate. That’s just three of the multiple requests that I’ve had in the last month. I can say no, but it’s hard when your kids show interest in things so we do let them pick 2-3 activities. And when the emails are going around to co-ordinate summer daycamps and your kid is asking to be with her friends, it’s hard to dial that out.
There was definitely a lot less coordination of stuff in the pre-elementary school years and the only factors were whether or not we thought the kids should do something , in the elementary years – they have a lot of opinions too.
Anonymous says
Yeah, it becomes exponentially harder to opt out once they start school. Some of it is things the kids want, and some of it is imposed by the school. You can’t exactly opt out of the endless assignments to create a puppet of a famous scientist, make a poster about how an animal is adapted to its habitat citing at least five different sources, write a five-paragraph essay in second grade when the teacher has not taught the kids what a five-paragraph essay is, etc., and little kids can’t exactly do this stuff all on their own. The schools outsource so much teaching to parents these days.
Anon Lawyer says
Yeah, like, my line is Elf on the Shelf – kids won’t suffer for not doing that, even if there’s some in-the-moment whining. But it is going to depend on the family what you prioritize.
Anonymous says
I completely agree. When the ball gets dropped, it’s the kids and not the dad who pays the price. Especially in today’s high-stakes, competitive world, there just isn’t any room for error. Also, why should I have to train my husband using operant conditioning? That’s how I train my dog.
Cb says
I’ve been practicing “le pause” from bringing up baby with my husband. Everytime he asks me where something is, I pause for 5 seconds before answering, and 50% of the time he realises it is in front of him. He’s a smart man, an equal partner, but just blind to this stuff.
Anonymous says
Le pause is fine for “where do we keep xyz?” It doesn’t work for making sure that homework gets turned in, or registering for summer camp, or advocating for a 504, or …
Cb says
Yes, absolutely, I was just commenting on the operant conditioning above. Appreciate my reply was a bit of a POOPCUP comment though :)
Anon Lawyer says
I don’t think I agree that there’s no room for error in today’s world.
anon says
Me either.
I think many of us tell ourselves that to justify our life choices, though.
Anon says
Yah, this is ridiculous, especially when talking about children. Maybe it’s true for one narrow, privileged definition of success, but that’s not the life I aspire to for my family
EDAnon says
I totally agree. There is plenty of room for error under my definition of a good life.
Anonymous says
I wonder whether some of men’s failure to handle the cognitive load comes from structural bias in society. When many of today’s dads were in school, they didn’t have to be super-achievers to get a decent job at graduation. Confident young men were just handed jobs, especially if they were white. Nowadays, there’s so much more pressure on kids to achieve from an early age. Women understand because we had to work to get ahead, but men dismiss it. “I didn’t go to a magnet school or get straight As and look at me! I’m doing fine!” They were also mostly raised by SAHMs who just made everything happen invisibly while they were at school and dad was at work, so they have no clue exactly what goes into running a household.
Anonymous says
What kind of spoiled sheltered men did you marry?!?
Anonymous says
All middle-class men who came of age before the tech bubble burst in the early 2000s?
anon says
…I don’t think this is accurate at all, at least not in biglaw. My husband (47) had just as cutthroat and high pressure a college and law school experience as I did and had to absolutely grind to get to where he is. And he didn’t have a SAHM (nor did I).
Anon says
I do think some of it comes from structural bias. Certainly white middle class male privilege comes into it, despite our fellow commenters’ “not all men!” protests. Not that we all didn’t enjoy privilege, I certainly did, but my husband enjoyed some that I didn’t as well (and vice versa, but we’re talking about broader structures that affect hetero couples regardless of their individual privilege).
I think it shows up in other ways too, like schools/extracurriculars/other parents defaulting to calling mom first. Even if dad is listed as the primary contact. It’s hard to offload something 100% to him if he doesn’t get the information. A lot of the coordination for elementary+ kids with friends involves communicating with other parents. The moms that are primary parenting at our school won’t talk to my husband. We’ll get there eventually, but it’s a lot of extra work for him to get “in” with the moms. Kinda like it was/is harder for women to get “in” with the dudes that run the law firms, etc. DH and I swapped traditional roles and we run into structural obstacles everywhere we look. Yes, we can address them for the most part, but it’s so much more mental labor for both of us.
No Face says
I don’t drop balls, I just explicitly lay certain areas at my husband’s feet. As a small example, he is in charge of sports. The classes, enrollment, payment, taking them, making sure they have jerseys, etc are all him. I didn’t even know where the soccer classes were! Same thing with many other things – we each handle without the other even knowing the details outside the initial assignment discussion. If my husband couldn’t handle that, we would be in counseling to change that.
anon says
We’ve had the most luck by moving a non-optional, time sensitive and significant life task to the Dad’s column–grocery shopping and meal prep. DH is solely responsible for keeping us fed. It has to be done or we’d starve, so there’s no getting around it or procrastinating. I still do summer camps, playdates, Christmas presents, PTA fundraisers, etc, but having the daily task of food shopping and prep off my list make it feel far more balanced.
Anonymous says
This is a great tip. DH doesn’t mess up on the feed the kids or bathe the kids or buy shoes stuff so I need to download more of that.
We split dinner and DH does breakfast and I do lunch which on it’s face seems fair but lunch is way more work – ordering the meals they like at school in advance, making sure the lunchboxes are packed with a balanced meal that fit the school allergy rules and what each of the three kids likes. I’m forever forgetting which kid doesn’t like ham sandwiches or blueberries. Breakfast is way easier – rotate cereal, frozen waffles or oatmeal. Will try having DH be responsible for lunch instead and see how that goes.
Anon says
+1 Similar balance here. DH does the vast majority of the visible labor (he does almost all the cooking, grocery shopping, taking out trash, taking care of the dog). I do all the emotional labor – everything from PTA to managing our finances to making photo albums to making doctors appointments – and all daycare dropoffs and pickups. It works for us, I like getting my kid at school but beyond that I prefer emotional labor to the visible chores and I am better at that stuff anyway. Our kid doesn’t suffer and I feel like we have an excellent balance.
Anonymous says
Yup, one day I just asked my husband to be in charge of bedtime (since I generally do mornings) and he did it! Now he handles cleaning up after dinner, bath, story and bedtime. I get to be the parent who doesn’t know how to do bathtime so we skip it when Dad can’t do it ; )
Anon says
I have two factors working in my favour: my husband is a true partner (living alone for a dozen years after graduation, without roommates, parents, or a live-in girlfriend makes one self-sufficient), and our one kid is young and easy.
That said, I have a lot of luck in outsourcing the ENTIRE task to my husband. When we were planning our wedding, I handed off the entire photography task to him. Scoping out the venues that we chose, entirely on him. It is actually a lot of mental work on both people to coordinate an effort. It’s not fun to piecemeal out the work to him: “I found six photographers; can you narrow them down, call the ones you like, and get availability?” Likewise, he’s in charge of doing morning changes, and I am responsible for buying clothes and diapers. As far as he’s concerned, appropriately-sized clothing shows up in the dresser and as far as I’m concerned, the toddler magically goes from footies to appropriate attire around 8 am.
My parents are big on piecemealing out the work and it’s a complete PITA to figure out what they want, when they want, and they get upset that they get the ‘bare minimum’ or ‘have to ask.’ Even when I was 35 years old, they couldn’t just say – please show up early for Thanksgiving and plan to vacuum/mop the floors. It’s mind-read to figure out when we need you to show up, and when you do, we are going to yell at you for putting the drinks in the blue ice bucket and not the red ice bucket. Or, “What can I do?” “Nothing.” (Later) “You need to do these eight things RIGHT NOW.” So belittling.
So Anon says
One piece to this puzzle is the availability and encouraging men to take paternity leave. Much of parenting and mothering is a learned skill. If fathers take a significant chunk of time early on to be in the position where they must learn their own child, then it is more likely that they will become competent at independently parenting their children and see the invisible work that goes into this. I would say that this type of paternity leave is different than the 1-2 weeks many dads take immediately after the child is born. This is the 6-12 weeks where they are on their own with the kid as the sole childcare.
I’ve been beating this drum since I was in lawschool and wrote my note on this exact topic. Alas, even being well informed and this being super important to me was not enough to get my ex husband on board with this. Also, his lack of concern with parenting was a big issue in the split.
Anon says
Agree, my husband took 8 months of paternity leave, 7 months of which were after I was back to work, and I think that’s a big factor in why he’s such an equal partner. A leave that long is not realistic for most people but most men I know didn’t use all their available paternity leave which is so sad.
Anonymous says
My husband desperately wanted to take paternity leave, but it turned out paternity leave was his four weeks of paid vacation, just unscheduled. He’s in healthcare and basically 80% of the VPs are women. You think they could do better.
2 Cents says
DH is a public school teacher. No paternity leave in his contract. No unofficial leave taken by any of his fellow male teachers. He was back to work 4 days after the birth bc he was afraid how it would look to his (female, all with children) superiors if he took more time.
Boston Legal Eagle says
This is huge and I will encourage all of my young male colleagues to do this (dads have 8 weeks of parental leave, to be used any time in the first year). Taking paternity leave solo after mom goes back to work is so so important. There is nothing innate about baby and childcare, a lot of it is practice and trial and error. I think we should also encourage boys to babysit – typically it’s girls who get pushed in that role but then the cycle repeats itself.
Not surprisingly, my husband babysat when he was a kid, took paternity leave solo and is a great hands on dad and gets the work that goes into running a house and taking care of kids. Maybe surprisingly is that he had a SAHM.
Anon. says
Agreed. Even just the week my husband took at the end of my maternity leave was so valuable in giving him the confidence to care for the baby entirely alone all day long. And then frequent work (and sporadic personal) travel meant he was regularly on call to do it all during the first year.
Pogo says
Great point. DH did a month both times after I went back to work and it was great for everyone – me, dad, baby.
EDAnon says
My husband took his 12 weeks of FMLA for both kids. Two weeks right away with me and 10 weeks with the kids after I went back to work. It’s been amazing. I do a lot of logistics for the family still but I like it and he takes care of stuff, which really shows when I am pulled away for work reasons. Everything gets done!
Anon says
I think letting the husband drop the ball, even if it causes upset to the kid, only works if the husband will care if the kid was upset and agree that it was an important thing. I’m not speaking of my own marriage here but I can think of one particular dad I could see saying “so what, he missed on field trip, it’s not the end of the world.” Most caring parents would be moved by a crying child that missed a field trip though. That sort of thing is definitely lower stakes than missing summer camp or SAT prep.
Anonymous says
It also only works if the dad has reasonable expectations for what should be the child’s responsibility. I know some dads who would say, “Well, he didn’t give me the permission slip and then bug me repeatedly to sign it and then turn it in himself, so he deserves to miss the field trip.” Even with a kindergartener.
Anon says
But if your husband doesn’t care at all about your kid crying over a missed field trip do you really want to stay married? That guy sounds like complete garbage.
anon says
Yeah,like, the problem there isn’t the division of labor, it’s that the husband is trash.
Anonymous says
Sigh. DTMFA is not quite that simple.
Anon says
At a certain age, we need to offload these tasks to our children! A high schooler should bear the brunt of scheduling and preparing for the SATs.
avocado says
I see you have not met my ninth-grader’s friends and their parents. We are trying to figure out how to navigate that whole arms race. It is madness, but it’s so hard to opt out.
Anon says
+1 million! There’s a lot of helicopter parenting in this thread. Honestly I don’t really think parents should be helping much with homework in elementary school either beyond a simple reminder to kids to put it in the backpack. My parents were hyper-involved with my education and although I ended up learning all the material and got top scores on AP exams, I did not learn how to study or seek out help directly from a teacher at all and it really really came back to bite me in the a$$ in college.
If the teacher is assigning more homework than the kid can get done independently, I view that as a teacher problem and I think parents should talk to the teacher and principal if necessary rather than just helping the kid do all the work.
Anonymous says
Do you actually have kids in elementary school? Our elementary school absolutely relied on the parents to do a lot of the teaching outside of school. I am the one who wrote about elementary school projects above. When my daughter was in second grade, she was assigned to create a poster about an animal’s adaptations to its environment, with citations to five separate sources that were not on the Internet. This meant that parents had to show their kids how to use the library catalog, guide them through the search process, drive them to the library to check out books, and drive them to the craft store to buy poster supplies. That would be the absolute minimum required if the child was capableof planning and executing the entire project independently. With most second-graders, you also have to help them break the project down into tasks (read books, take notes on adaptations, organize adaptations, write up paragraphs on each group of adaptations, find picture for each adaptation…). And probably support the execution of each task too. When I was in elementary school we did all of this during class time with the teacher breaking the tasks down for us and requiring us to turn in interim products for each task. This is no longer how things are done, at least not in our school. Parents are supposed to provide the scaffolding as kids learn how to approach large projects.
Anon says
Your school sounds ridiculous. This isn’t at all normal where I live (a top-ranked public school district, fwiw). Also what happens if you just…don’t do it? Kids in elementary can’t “fail” the way older kids can. I understand that if your high schooler fails calculus or whatever it’s going to impact their college prospects which can then impact the rest of their life. But what is going to happen to a second grader whose parents don’t do this elaborate project to the teacher’s satisfaction? Literally nothing.
Mary Moo Cow says
I agreed it only works if the parent who drops the ball notices and cares. DH had to learn that lesson the hard way; he figured kid would be just fine but kid was not fine and it was a lightbulb moment. Only happens once. I chalk it up to his upbringing: he was loved and well cared for but not feted. Never had a birthday party, never allowed to play school sports or have a pet.People who weren’t raised in a kid-centric family sometimes don’t understand going above and beyond the basics for kids and that doesn’t make them garbage. Parents who shrug at missing the field trip might just need to see how the kid feels about missing a field trip before they understand and change.
anonymommy says
Thank you for this comment Mary Moo Cow. Also, some privilege check here. My DH was one of four kids and they didn’t have much spare money for extras. He had to miss a big field trip and still remembers it. (On the upside, he bonded with the other kid who didn’t get to go, and she’s one our very best friends now!) I digress….always, the privilege here is sometimes overwhelming.
anon says
I solved this in two ways: (1) I married someone who was a divorced dad and was therefore used to taking care of kids on his own and (2) I learned from him to be a lower-intensity parent than I would otherwise likely be inclined to be. There is lots of stuff we opt out of for our family and lots of stuff we do in a lower-intensity way than others in our social circle, and as a result we don’t have the dynamic I often see described here of mothers carrying a bunch of social/emotional labor that is invisible to their partners.
Clementine says
I took something over for my husband and shared how excited I was when I’d just gone ahead and outsourced things that were previously on his plate. Well, I got basically told I was enabling him and that I should divorce him. That was a fun time!
What more of the context is: my husband actively took on more kid stuff. All the summer scheduling, all the childcare/summer orchestration, all the activities, all the inventory of my kids’ clothes, all the doctor’s appointments – he went ahead and took all those things over. And he has said that he was astounded at how much more time consuming it is than he would have expected.
And the fact that he’s a satisficer in those arenas? Works great for us. Unfortunately, he’s a maximizer when it comes to house stuff. He’s going to research and research and research and… it takes a long time to get it done. So where we’re getting to now is… I’m taking over the actual execution of house projects (he’s the technical advisor) and he’s taking over the execution of kid related plannig/projects (Im the technical advisor).
Anonymous says
Oh come on you must know you’re mis-characterizing this
Ifiknew says
Do any of you that have an excellent division of labor with your spouse have someone that works a big law, big finance, big surgeon type job? Genuinely curious
anon says
My husband is a biglaw equity partner and I’m the GC of a tech company. We have three kids – two tweenage kids who are part-time with us, and one preschooler who’s full-time with us, plus another on the way. My hours are shorter than his, but his job is more flexible in that biglaw-type way (ie, you can work anywhere because you basically work all the time) while I deal with a more structured workday and more constraints on my hours and such.
We have a great division of labor, but that’s due to a few things: my husband was a single dad after his divorce and while I’m a parental figure for the older kids, I don’t have parenting “duties” with respect to them. So he cooks for them, plans activities, gets them to activities, buys birthday presents, manages homework, etc. The other thing is that we outsource very heavily. We have a FT nanny for our youngest and a two-day-a-week housekeeper who handles cleaning, laundry, and some meal prep. I probably handle most parenting duties for the younger kiddo, but the truth is that because he’s an “experienced” parent, he’s usually the one who knows what stuff needs to happen (like, “you need to apply even for halfday preschool a whole year in advance” and “the time to sign up for daycamp is January”) even if it gets delegated to me.
Anonymous says
What is the communication like at your daycare? And what are some tips for a FTM to improve the flow of information about my infant? We’re only a few weeks in but her teacher doesn’t update the app they use that much so we often don’t know anything except what the director tells us at pickup. even that is just when she last ate, and it seems kind of chaotic at pickup honestly.
Pogo says
I would attribute a lot of this to COVID. At least in my area, at my center we aren’t really allowed to see or talk to the teachers, they have a runner bring each kid out 1 by 1, and they pretty much throw the kid at you and go get the next one. I’m also always 30 seconds from being late because our pickup is 4:30 (bc COVID).
For my in-home daycare I use for my infant, its just his one caregiver and she gives me a full account. She’ll talk to me for 15 minutes if I had the time (that’s also her personality, she LOVES babies).
I would request that they at least update the app to include feedings/diaper outputs/nap durations & times. That’s pretty important info for babies. They don’t do that for our oldest now that he’s in pre-K and sometimes I’m like.. when was the last time you pooped?
But in terms of like, details of kiddo’s day from the center… I don’t get much more than whatever one sentence they write on his little sheet (equivalent to the app for us). They do tell us we can call during naptime and his teacher will speak with us in more detail if we have something to discuss, but honestly I don’t have time during the day. When I asked specifically they did add his nap time/duration even though it wasn’t normally something they tracked for pre-K, so I think it’s worth asking for specifics!
Spirograph says
+1 a lot of this is covid. We got a written sheet from our infant rooms (apps weren’t really a standard yet, then) and I almost never looked at them because the teachers would chat for a few minutes at pick-up. We used both a small in-home daycare, and then a small center… with 6 babies and 2 teachers in the infant room, they always had time to give parents the highlights.
I agree that feeding and nap info is useful, but like the anon says below, your baby wants what she wants when she wants it. I could always tell how much my baby ate by what was left in the bottles, and knowing ahead of time that baby had a short nap did not really help me deal with crankiness later, and I could tell s/he was tired from all the other cues. Unless I was specifically worried about something I’d noticed at home, I was happy with, “he had a great day! Need more diapers by Monday”
Pogo says
Mainly I want to know when his last nap ended so I can make sure I get him up to bed in time, and if he’s constipated do I need to do something about it (like give him prunes). I also like to know how much milk he took because I might have to defrost more milk for the next day if I didn’t pump enough.
Katala says
I agree, it’s useful to have nap and feeding info. I think that’s pretty standard and they should be providing that for infants at least regardless of Covid. Our daycare rinsed out bottles after use, there wasn’t anything left to gauge how much he was eating. And knowing how his napping is going 5/7 days helps to see if he’s ready to drop a nap, not getting enough sleep generally such that we need to adjust bedtime, if naps are better at daycare I can trouble shoot home naps. Same with feeding, am I sending enough pumped milk, when we transitioned to formula but nursed on the weekends I really relied on daycare to help figure out how much formula to send, does that change as he starts to eat solids at home and/or daycare. Daycare is more of baby’s waking hours than home when they’re that young so it’s important to have that info. OP- for sure push them to update the app with these stats. IME, until baby started crawling their waking time at daycare didn’t differ that much day to day so I didn’t need to see activities or anything. But it was nice to know if he had a bad day or something, which is harder to convey in an app.
Anonymous says
I think you will be fine as long as they’re telling you when she last ate.
Maybe this makes me a terrible mother, but I never found the day care reports very useful. During maternity leave I meticulously tracked feedings, diapers, and sleep, then realized that the information was not really useful. Baby wanted what she wanted went she wanted it, and any attempts to impose a schedule were futile. The only information from day care that was really useful was “send more milk,” “send more diapers,” etc. I did like hearing about her experiments with finger foods, primarily because they were pretty funny. When she moved to the toddler room at age 1 day care imposed a strict schedule, so I always knew when she’d been offered food, been made to lie down on her cot to “nap” (ha, nap?!?), etc.
Anon says
+1 I honestly just tell them to make sure I’m alerted if there’s a problem. I have very little window into day to day, and didn’t really pre-covid, but that’s also because the place we sent our kids when little was super old school. Like they printed out photos at the end of the year – no digital.
Lavinia says
Communication from the lead teacher is fantastic. Communication from subs/floats is less so, but we at least get diaper changes, nap start/end times, and bottles (subs usually don’t enter amounts, though). Usually one picture a day, but if one particular float took it, I usually have no idea what’s going on, lol. It’s less of an issue now that my kid has a set bedtime, more or less sleeps through the night, and absolutely won’t nap after 3:30 pm, but when she was still eating every ~ 3-4 hrs around the clock, I found it helpful to know when her last nap ended so I knew what my evening would look like. I don’t have any pre-COVID daycare experience, but I do get the sense that some of the pickup chaos is COVID-related (some of it is probably typical toddler meltdowns), and, with teachers having to do all of the unpacking/packing up at the end of the day, they have less time for updating the app. If there’s a particular piece of info you want, I think it’s completely reasonable to ask for it specifically. I’ve also found that I get more info when I ask specific questions or say things like, “Kid seemed fussy this morning, how is she doing?” If you don’t ask, the teachers are going to assume you’re satisfied with the info they’re providing.
GCA says
I do think the chaotic pickup is a Covid-era side effect – it really is sort of like curbside grocery pickup: ‘here’s your kid, here’s your receipt, see you tomorrow’.
When my kids were infants, the most useful information for me was: when and how long was their last nap? And when did they last eat? Under normal circumstances that’s all I needed. But as a first-time parent putting your infant in a center that’s new to you during Covid, you’re probably trying to get an overall sense of how the center is run and whether the children are well cared for. Do you get photos? Do you know other parents you could speak to? Could you schedule a chat with the director and request an impromptu video tour then?
Anon says
In the infant-toddler room (pre-Covid) we just got a report that listed food, diapers and sleep. Photos were very rare. In the 2s room (Covid) we get fewer details about what she ate and slept but a TON of photos and honestly I don’t love it. My kid has a camera in her face all day and has started refusing to have her picture taken at home because she’s sick of getting photographed at school.
Anon. says
Ours uses the app and in the infant room I got updates for every diaper change, every feeding and every nap – which is nice but not really necessary.
Best unofficial way to improve communication: use your daycare teacher as a date night sitter a couple times so that you have some time to actually talk to her and befriend her enough to get her phone number, share texts with updates about baby in the AM (she ate ALL the broccoli last night, watch out for the diaper!) when you can. That led to great partnership and communication with ours.
anonamama says
I agree with others – updating the app on eat/sleep times is essential. If I’m having a slower day, or something is on my mind, I give the teacher a call during naptime just to chat and see how things are going. Our director gets a copy of all of the messages we send back and forth, but the phone chats have gone a long way to connect and stay updated with the parent-limiting covid rules in place.
Anon says
I would specifically ask for any information you’d like to be tracked and handed over at the end of the day – usually food, naps, and diapers. I found it useful and it’s a totally standard request. You may also want to check your state or locality’s rules – I think in mine they’re required to track and report these items.
Anonymous says
Had a very frustrating conversation with a daycare teacher yesterday in which she mentioned she had no plans to get the COVID vaccine and has never gotten a flu shot. All this while my kids have been sent home what feels like constantly for runny noses (and no other symptoms). Not sure what I can really do about it other than put some light pressure on the administration to continue requiring masks for non-vaccinated staff as restrictions lift, but definitely open to any suggestions.
Anon says
i didn’t realize that daycares don’t require flu shots. definitely masks should be required for unvaccinated staff. i live in TX where yesterday the governor announced that no government entities can require masks starting in June, so schools, courthouses, etc. there is fortunately an exception for hospitals, but let’s just say i really really hope i don’t get jury duty anytime soon
Anonymous says
Wow! That is terrible. “At least” they aren’t stopping private businesses from requiring masks. Ugh.
Anon says
Omg this is so terrible. Praying my red state doesn’t do the same. Our governor is sane and has generally let local cities and school districts make their own masks rules but I can see our crazy legislature doing this.
anon says
I’d look to move my kid to a daycare with fully vaccinated staff, even if a home daycare.
Anonymous says
I’d not only look to move I’d make a HUGE deal of it, going to the director with a prewritten Yelp review and making it very clear that this is about safety.
anonn says
Good luck finding that. Daycares like everyone else in my area cannot fill the open roles. And our vaccination rate is around 40%, and lower for low-wage workers and minority groups.
Anon says
We’re in this boat too. About 35% of the staff at my university run daycare didn’t get it. I expect they’ll insist on masks for unvaccinated staff at least until kids can get vaccinated and after my kid is vaccinated I’m not too concerned with exposure to unvaxxed adults (we’ll likely be doing indoor dining, intl travel, etc at that point). I think masks are very effective at preventing spread – there have been several cases in teachers and no spread within the center – so it’s not something I’m hugely worried about but it is very frustrating. I live in a red state and the teachers at our center are more educated and better paid than at any of their competitors, so I’m really skeptical we could find a daycare center with a fully vaxxed staff. I don’t want a home daycare or nanny other reasons and except for this issue we are beyond thrilled with our daycare so it doesn’t seem worth pulling her out over something that will hopefully be a non-issue in <6 months when our kid can get vaccinated.
Anonymous says
I would raise it as an issue with the director. Speciically, I would say “I would like to know your thoughts on requiring the COVID vaccine for staff once it is fully approved.” [ As much as I would like to see it, it’s not appropriate to push an emergency use vaccine on staff.]
Then wait for what is hopefully a rational response. following that, you can outline your concerns, including runny nose ONLY as a send-home. I have 3 kids in 3 schools (elem, PK, daycare) and not one of those schools sends kids home for runny nose only-and we are in a super COVID cautious community. You can also let her know that unless the staff is going to be fully vaccinated after full approval, you will be pulling your child, assuming that’s true. sometimes admin needs to know that it’s not just “nice to have” but actually a deal-breaker. This will go even better if you come to the table with a parent survey: “9/10 of the parents in the infant room are uncomfortable with an unvaccinated teacher.”
I have had my share of battles with admin over the years on various things. This is my tested and successful strategy. I’ve recently started up again with our preschool who is hesitate to lift outdoor masking for summer camp this summer despite federal, state, and local [other schools now, other camps for summer] trends and guidance. I did a little poll of kids signed up for camp and turns out all the parents are OK with no masks outside. I sent that over to the director and she said she “thought parents would prefer to keep everyone masked” but now that she saw my little survey she’s proposing the change to the board.
anon says
You could offer the teacher a bonus if she gets vaccinated.
Pogo says
I (somewhat) joking told one of the floaters (when she was complaining about feeling run down after her shot) that I would pay for all of them to get an extra sick day after their second shot. I totally would have! She probably thought I was completely joking (I told her to tell her boss) but I bet most, if not all, parents would gladly chip in so that they could give teachers time off and staff accordingly.
I don’t think that will help if they are legit anti-vax, though.
Anonymous says
Tell day care you want them to mandate vaccines for all staff, move your kid to a vaccinated classroom, or you’ll have to consider changing day care.
Tell the teacher you don’t appreciate her putting your children at risk.
Anonymous says
I’d leave off this last part. Daycare teacher is not someone you want an acrimonious relationship with. People are entitled to make their own decisions about what goes into their bodies, and my understanding is that there are some legal pitfalls to mandating a vaccine that is not fully FDA-approved. There also may be issues with the employer even asking about vaccine status, but IANAL. Leaning on the admin to continue mask requirements for all teachers seems the best option here.
Anonymous says
None of that is correct. If you don’t know that’s fine but please don’t spread incorrect info.
Anon says
Wanting an acrimonious relationship or not is an opinion for sure (though I would not want one), but I think she is right – in the US people are legally entitled to decide if they want a vaccine or not and you can’t mandate that they receive an emergency use vaccine as a condition of employment.
Anonymous says
Not true in NYC, just saw the requirement that all summer camp staff at my daughter’s camp will be required to be vaccinated. Of course, they HIRE the staff each summer, so I imagine they can make whatever they want be a hiring requirement.
Anonymous says
Again, this is incorrect as a blanket statement about the US. Please don’t spread misinformation. If you don’t know you can not say anything.
Anonymous says
OK, but saying “none of that is correct” is also incorrect as a blanket statement about the US, based on the follow-ups…
Anon says
For right now, yes, but I would reach out to Admin and request that after EUA is over and a vaccine is fully approved by the FDA that it becomes mandatory for teachers. This is possible in many places (although if your teacher has never gotten a flu shot before, this may be new territory for the school). I am also encouraging my school to end teacher mask wearing with proof of vaccination (when allowed by our state), because I would rather have unmasked vaccinated teachers than masked unvaccinated teachers, and I think most mildly anti-vax teachers would switch over if this was the rule. Also, get your fellow daycare parents to put the same pressure on them.
Anon says
The legislature in my red state has banned employers from requiring the Covid vaccine. I don’t think that changes when the vaccine is fully licensed and no longer EUA but I could be wrong. Employers can require the flu shot and daycare does, although it’s not hard to file paperwork saying you have a philosophical objection and then you don’t need to get it.
Pogo says
how is that possible?! Unvaccinated people are not a protected class last time I checked…
Anon says
A protected class is protected *despite* whatever the legislature/executive does. E.g., if a legislature says apartment owners are free to not rent to Black people, that’s unconstitutional because race is a protected class. A legislature can generally make rules for businesses operating in their state, so there’s nothing unconstitutional about saying businesses can’t require vaccines as proof of employment.
Pogo says
Thanks, I genuinely did not understand that! Makes sense, I guess.
anon. says
This isn’t right at all. I’m dealing with this in my job and it is… not correct at all.
Anonymous says
Fair enough, that’s just what I’d heard from “experts” on NPR, and from the legal dept at my company. I’m not knocking the vaccines at all, I’m very glad be vaccinated and hope everyone gets there, but I can also understand vaccine hesitancy while they’re still only EUA.
In any event, I wouldn’t snark at anyone I like and want to continue a good relationship with that I don’t appreciate them putting my children at risk (as long as they’re still wearing a mask, the risk is no greater than it’s been for the last year). I might change my behavior and try to move my child to a different class, but I don’t think it’s my place to bully a daycare teacher, even about something as important as vaccines.
Anon says
Isn’t this extremely state dependent? Many red states have banned either government entities (which includes all state universities and their affiliated childcare centers) or all employers from requiring it, so it’s certainly not true that all daycares can require it.
Pogo says
Yeah… my company is choosing not to mandate vaccination, but not because they’re not allowed to. Many of our customers require vaccination.
Anonanonanon says
Some companies feel there are legal pitfalls to mandating vaccination while it’s approved under an EUA (yes, even hospitals and nursing homes) but an employer can 100% ask about vaccination status. Most daycares are required to have other health records (TB testing when appropriate, etc.) for staff so why wouldn’t they be allowed to ask about vaccination status?! Also remember HIPAA does not apply to daycares…. (my pet-peeve is “HIPPA” getting blamed for everything all of the time when HIPAA does not apply to most situations)
Anonymous says
OMG yes on blaming everything on HIPAA!
EDAnon says
I think you’re right in how you stated it. The attorneys who my organization contracts with to advise us on these things said there can be pitfalls if you mandate the vaccine that is only under the EUA. Not that you cannot do it but there are risks you might not consider worth it if you do.
As an aside, my husband is a lawyer and sometimes he ticks me off with his “that’s not right” on things that are largely on point but the specific are a off from a legal standpoint (“cannot” versus it would be a bad idea for example). I am guessing that is what’s happening here and people are just being rude about it.
Anonymous says
No! What is happening here is a bunch of people who do not know what they are talking about are sharing incorrect information.
Pogo says
Almost every job I’ve taken has required a drug test which was WAY more invasive in terms of privacy violation that asking about my vaccine status. That’s why I surprised that you could even deny an employer the right to ask about it – I feel like these same lawmakers would totally back up an employer’s right to deny employment to someone who smokes pot. I digress.
Anon says
Yeah exactly plus Republicans claim they want “small government” so why are they, the government, interfering in how private businesses do business? It’s infuriating. But it is what is.
Anonymous says
I don’t think parents in most day care markets have this kind of leverage. Even pre-pandemic, day care was a take-it-or-leave-it proposition. Now spots are even harder to come by, and there is no incentive for centers to make parents happy.
anon says
I agree. Voting with your feet often feels like the only option. It would be worth looking around.
Anonymous says
For those encouraging switching centers— this would be a really tough move for us as our center is walkable and we don’t use our cars during the week. We’re also thrilled with them for all other angles (they don’t close for weather, the teachers are fantastic, etc.). Curious to know if other daycares ARE requiring teachers to be vaccinated. Have other centers advertised or mentioned this to parents?
Anon says
In my red state, it’s illegal for employers to require it and I haven’t heard of any daycares requiring it or advertising that their staff is all fully vaccinated. Our center has many unvaxxed teachers and we’re not considering switching because like you we are thrilled with the center in every other aspect and we see this is a short term issue that will go away when kids can be vaccinated. Caveat that our family is generally low risk but we take Covid seriously and even now (with two fully vaccinated adults and one unvaccinated kid) we are not really doing anything indoors except daycare, and we still wear masks when we go to crowded outdoor places.
Anonymous says
This is the point. You don’t have any leverage since you aren’t willing/able to switch. You might be able to request that unvaccinated teachers remain masked in accordance with CDC guidelines, but that’s about it.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Our state has a pretty high vaccine rate but I haven’t heard anything from our center or the state about requiring vaccines for all childcare center workers. Our public school said that they can’t mandate this for their public school teachers, but not sure if the private childcare center can. Teachers and kids 5+ are still in masks.
Anon says
Having recently switched daycares, I can say it’s not a great option if you can avoid it. The change has been incredibly rough on my kids – much harder than I anticipated, and I thought it would tough.
Anon says
+1 I think a lot of people here are very flippant about “just switch daycares.” It’s hard on kids and it can also be really hard to find quality childcare. I live in a childcare desert and there just isn’t a lot of good childcare around here – when you find one you cling to it for dear life. Plus in the parts of the country where many daycare staff are hesitant to get vaccinated, it’s likely to be an issue at nearly every daycare, so it’s not a problem that’s easily solved by looking elsewhere unless you’re planning to move cities.
Anonymous says
Whenever one of these day care issues comes up (vaccinations, food, etc.), I always say that you don’t have much choice but to accept it unless you have the option to switch. Most people don’t have good options, so they are just stuck. It’s not even worth raising the issue with the center unless you truly believe they will be motivated to fix whatever it is you don’t like. Which they never are.
Anon says
I think it’s absolutely worth pressing this point with the daycare administration, though you might suggest advice that gets all the staff vaccinated without having to get to a formal mandate. I think it’s easier for a center to try to help staff get vaccinated than it is to mandate a vaccine (because then you have to hire legal counsel to make sure you’re not messing up religious/medical exemptions, and possibly fire someone otherwise well-qualified, in a market where it’s really hard to get well-qualified staff).
Before pushing for a mandate, you might see if you can push for things like: giving teachers time off for vaccination AND extra sick days if they need it post-vaccination (daycare teachers often don’t get a ton of PTO/paid sick leave and fear of needing paid time off for side effects is a significant barrier to vaccination for low wage workers in my area), encouraging vaccination and waiting on dialing back Covid restrictions until everyone is vaccinated.
Anon says
I think this stuff is all well and good and can probably get some on-the-fence people vaccinated through incentives, but unfortunately ~20% of the US is strongly against this vaccine (and it’s highly correlated with political affiliation, so it’s even higher in red states) and so in many places it’s not going to be possible for daycares to get all their staff vaccinated despite their best efforts.
Pogo says
I have not heard of any vaccine requirements in either daycares or schools. I personally know (from talking to them) that everyone my kid interacts with is vaccinated, but because they all chose not, not because they were required. Daycare teachers opened up before general public and they were all ecstatic.
Patricia Gardiner says
The discussions on the slog of life with young kids have been helpful to me (that it is a common feeling). I am trying to think of ways to “inject joy” into time with my kids (2.5 and 7 months)… things like singing songs/having fun music on, making sure we go on my favorite walks, making a fancy coffee to take on a walk… what ways do you have to make life with young kids more joyful? We do have lots of fun playing but there are so many things that need to be done (meals, diaper changes, getting ready to go somewhere) that are probably more painful than they need to be.
AwayEmily says
This is nothing groundbreaking but I really love to say yes as much as possible. Kid wants to go outside to look at anthills at 6:45am? Sure, we can do that for a few minutes before school! They ask (nicely) for some chocolate with their dinner? Okay! They want to play in the sprinkler on the first 70-degree day? Wouldn’t be my choice, but fine! Draw on the porch furniture with chalk? Eh, it’ll wash off.
In general, having my default be “yes” instead of “no” makes me a much more relaxed, joyful parent.
Also, for me, a lot of happiness comes with anticipation, so I try to pass this on to them as well, and get them excited even about everyday things. Yesterday afternoon I took them to a favorite playground, and in the AM on our way to school I talked it up a lot, told them how excited I was, we talked about what snacks we would bring, etc. They were so amped when I picked them up, it was great.
Patricia Gardiner says
Those are great thoughts. Also, are you the person that suggested “jelly bean walks”? Can you say a bit more about that- do you pre-hide the jelly bean? How many? Do they eat them even if they were hidden outside? Thank you!!
AwayEmily says
Yes! I just put a jelly bean for each of them in my pocket and then when we get to a likely place (a bench, the steps of a church, etc) I will tell them to close their eyes and I hide them. I rarely do a particularly good job hiding them. And neither they nor I mind that they’ve been outside (good for their biomes!).
Patricia Gardiner says
This is great! Thank you!!
Cb says
Yes, I try and do the same. We’ll make annoying things into the game – Luna has made a mess and PJ Masks need to tidy it up before someone falls and just say yes whenever we can. Kiddo wants to go read books in the woods at the weekend – sure! Splash in puddles- why not? Pretend to be space explorers when we’re out for a walk – I’ll make you a rocket.
IHeartBacon says
This. 1000000000%.
“Yes” is transformative. The power of “yes” is undeniable. I, too, try to make my default be “yes” for all the reasons you mention, but also because it makes my “no” more powerful. When I say “no” to my 4 year old, he believes it.
Anonanonanon says
Piggy-backing on the “yes” thing, I tell myself to try it for 5 minutes. So if I REALLY don’t feel like coloring, I tell myself “ok, say yes, color for five minutes, and then cook dinner, you can spare five minutes.” and it really does help, because the kids remember that I said “yes” first.
Pogo says
Thank you for this reminder.
EDAnon says
That’s such a good idea!
Pogo says
We will do detours around town to show LO construction vehicles – we tell him if he’s ready early, we’ll show him the new backhoe (or whatever). It makes his day and easy enough to do.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Being outside as much as possible, especially now that the weather is nice here. My kids do a lot better when they’re not cooped up inside (or maybe their screams just don’t echo as much outside?) My little one loves to dance so we’ve been playing a lot of fun songs, including songs from our childhood (Michael Jackson is a hit – not sure if it’s PC nowadays but the songs are so catchy), which makes everyone happier.
AwayEmily says
YES to outside. I saw on someone’s instagram (I think) lately the quote “I’m a better mom when I’m outside,” and I feel this SO much. The kids are less bananapants, and also I am more engaged, not thinking about household stuff or work — being outside takes all of us away from the draining parts of life in such a great way.
Clementine says
Here are some of the things I have done recently to inject some fun into our life:
– Pack a picnic and eat a picnic for dinner on a Monday night at the park down the road (side bonus: no kitchen to clean after dinner)
– Saturday/Sunday morning donuts and park at the airport to watch the airplanes
– Birthday cake waffles – whipped cream and sprinkles on a toaster waffle. (Optional: candles and singing happy un-birthday to everyone)
– Glow Sticks in the bathtub turn down the lights. Toddler Rave.
–
Anonymous says
Ohhhh love the picnic idea thanks!
Anon says
I was the original poster on the slog so this has been super helpful to me!! I am loving this thread, thanks all
So Anon says
It is finally warming up in New England, so after dinner last night, the kids went to play outside and I went to water my flowers with the hose. I ended up in a water fight with my kids where I had the hose and they were running, hiding and playing as I sprayed them. It was oddly stress relieving to just blast them with the hose, and they thought it was super fun. Win for all.
Anonymous says
That reminds me of a friend I had growing up who wanted to have a food fight for his birthday. His father bought big tubs of pudding and jello from Costco, cooked up a bunch of spaghetti noodles, invited all the friends, and kicked off the food fight with a blowhorn. It was wasteful, sure (and out of character for an old hippie who had his own chickens and ate organic in the 80s), but it was so memorable and fun. So glad he said “yes!”
Anonymous says
This is amazing.
Anonymous says
Not a mother yet (lurking, thinking of TTC), but one of the best, most joyful moms I knew let kids take risks without hovering. Think skateboarding down the long, cracked driveway, trying a black diamond ski run, jumping off the highest monkey bars at the park…the attitude was always “you can try it” and not “that’s not a good idea.” Her kids skinned their knees a few times, but they learned so quickly and one of them actually became a really great skateboarder – still does it as a young adult! She also really encouraged outdoor play at all times and limited TV (smartphones/iPads weren’t a thing yet).
Anonymous says
There is a difference between “not a helicopter mom” and “negligent.” Black diamond on the first day of skiing, or tiny kid jumping off the monkey bars –> fractures.
Anonymous says
Well congrats to her! Not everyone can make that work, signed the parents averaging one ER visit per year.
Anonymous says
Sorry for the snark, but I think it’s important to understand that once you’ve seen your kid in major pain multiple times, and once you’ve experienced the work disruption of many, many follow-up dr appointments, you think a little differently about risk.
Anonymous says
What’s the answer though, not letting your child try things? Risk is a part of life. No one is arguing for letting your child play in hazardous areas (asbestos-filled shacks, toxic swamp water), but hazards aren’t the same as normal childhood risks.
FWIW, my best friend growing up hurt herself almost daily – if there was a step or a tree root, it was almost guaranteed she’d trip and not just fall down, but actually break her arm or ankle (both of which happened from literally falling over nothing). She never took real risks, wasn’t very active or anything, but somehow she was in and out of the ER from slipping in the bathtub while other friends I knew who did objectively dangerous things like motocross were always fine. You just can’t really control who is going to get hurt or not, but I do wonder whether my friend’s lack of activity/an active life contributed to worse motor control or something. It was just so weird that she’d be seriously injured from these minor falls.
Anonymous says
I was a much better mom before I had kids–is that how the saying goes?
Anonymous says
We 100% let our kid try things, but we try to be thoughtful about when/ where to have it happen. What I object to is the glorification of the hands-off mom as some kind of ideal. It’s not a model that works for every kid or every family.
Anonymous says
I didn’t say she was hands-off, though. She was a very active and engaged mother at all times. She was just really encouraging about risk and also modeled appropriate risk-taking herself. I don’t think that’s the same as hands-off.
Anonanonanon says
I typed up and deleted a similar response TBH. I don’t always have time that evening to risk taking two kids to urgent care or the ER by myself during a pandemic on a work/school night…
Anon says
I understand this approach. You wouldn’t let a brand new skier do a black diamond, but it’s absolutely appropriate (and beneficial) to let your kids push their limits and try something that’s a moderate stretch for them. Letting kids take risks and assess their own abilities reduces serious injury in the long-run – our emphasis on safe play spaces and plastic playgrounds is actually making our kids less safe (read the book Balanced and Barefoot).
Plus, for boys in particular, physical exertion and challenge helps kids to learn confidence, channel their emotions and frustrations, and develop into more well-rounded adults.
Anonymous says
I think it’s just as true, if not more true, for girls compared to boys.
Anonymous says
+1 the “for boys in particular” strikes me as super sexist. Girls need to learn confidence and channel their emotions and frustrations too!!
Anonymous says
I also think this advice is not very useful to parents in the slog years, who are dealing with very young kids. A 2 year old is not going skateboarding, but rest assured they will skin their knees plenty of times just walking around the house. And kids have very different levels of risk tolerance – my son would never even want to even try those things; I have to push him to take risks. I too am pretty cautious but still managed to break both my legs and my left arm twice as a child; my son was in the emergency room twice in his first 6 months because he’s apparently was not super reliable about breathing.
Pogo says
Yeah I feel bad we jumped down this poor woman’s throat and she doesn’t even have kids yet, but I never deny my kid a risk-taking opportunity, but that doesn’t help in the daily slog of young kids (at least in my experience).
Anonymous says
No harm done to me (the no-kids-yet poster). Just wanted to reminisce about one of the best mothers I knew, really. She died a few years ago and I miss her so much (our families grew up together).
Anonymous says
Maybe if you eschewed diapers Pogo – embrace that kind of risk!
Original commenter, thank you for being gracious with us bitter parents. The reality of parenthood has been much harder than I expected, but it really is valuable to think about what kind of parent you want to be and what values you want to instill. Just be prepared for surprises! And condolences for your loss – it sounds like this woman was a really great mother and an important part of your life.
Anonymous says
Thank you, I appreciate that. Lurking here has given me a better appreciation of what the young years might be like and there is real value in that (alongside figuring out my own values/hopes). Nothing is guaranteed, but if we do this and decide to have kids, I want to have a sense of what’s important to us.
Pogo says
Actually to that point, DH taught the preschooler to pee behind a tree when they’re biking/hiking in the woods, and the other day he just pulled his pants down and peed in the front yard. I was nursing the baby and thus helpless to react (we definitely do not live in an isolated area…..). DH thinks it’s hilarious, because, men. So that lack of pee containment did bring us some joy.
OP, best of luck! I also read this board while TTC :) years and years ago….
Anon says
+1 I have a 3 year old who is scared of…pretty much everything and needs to be pushed into taking even reasonable objectively low risks like going down a large slide or sledding, etc. I basically never tell my kid to be cautious, in fact most of the time she’s crying and I’m trying to beg her to try something new, and it still doesn’t make parenting young kids any less of a slog.
anonamama says
Someone said this below, and I echo that – get out of the house/ the kitchen has brought us some joyful times as of late. The highlight of our most recent ‘fun’ outings (petting zoo, park, playdates) has actually been eating snacks/lunch/meal in the back of the car in the parking lot. Or going to a food truck and having a picnic. Or getting pizza and eating it on the porch. I’ve been keeping a clear storage container filled with things like wipes, towels, utensils, diapers, snacks, bottled water, and paper plates in the car. Having this makes it a little easier to wrap up the activity, have something to eat, clean up, diaper change and head home.
avocado says
“Trunk picnics” are one of my teenager’s favorite silly special things to do. Which reminds me that we are due for one!
DLC says
going along with the idea of spending time outside/ saying yes – I feel life is more joyful when I stay off social media/ my phone, let my kids lead, and fully participate in their world. Though I admit I find this really hard when my brain is fried.
With super young kids, perhaps you can figure out what gives you joy and just bring the kids along? I was actually just having this conversation with my husband because he is somewhat dour and he says he can’t remember what makes him happy anymore. And that made me so sad; our life has become such a slog and he is so focussed on our kids being happy that he can’t remember what makes him happy himself. (this is a oft brought up topic in therapy) But, I think we have to remember and implement what makes ourselves happy independant from the kids, so that we can, as AwayEmily says, pass it on to our kids.
For me, anything super indulgent – like baking and licking the beaters, treats eaten in unexpected places, going out for french fries and milkshakes (i see to have a lot of food related joy…)
ooh lately cicada hunting.
There’s a great book called Playful Parenting that really embraces the idea of using joy and play as a way to connect with your children on an every day level. Some things ideas from it – talking in funny voices, talking as if you are inanimate objects (I use this one a lot when doing the slog type chores – for example when trying to get out of the house, I pretend to be my kids shoes and say things like, “Where is that foot? I want to get on the foot so I can go outside!” They think it’s hilarious), coming up with silly scenarios, roughhousing, playing chase, acting incompetent or silly (pratfalls, putting my coat on backwards, that kind of thing). It takes a lot of energy, but I find it does help move things along most of the times. (I mean there are always going to be irretrievable tantrums for mysterious reasons, but…. )
Anonymous says
Love this. Pro tip, adopting a playful relationship with your partner is a great life idea too. We do silly voices and hold imaginary conversations with our cats and hide a stuffed octopus for the other to find in random places and it honestly helps so much with the day-to-day grind to get a chance to laugh at silly things like that.
Pogo says
Inside jokes with your spouse are the best. The best.
DC anon says
Re cicada hunting, we’ve been saying yes by letting our 4yo collect and carry around dead cicadas, even though the handfuls of them dangling by their wings makes us cringe.
Fallen says
I have been thinking a lot about this lately too, especially after the covid slot some things that we have done is just doing more and not being homed for too long, but also not just the same old things we used to do, but really going out of our way to explore new places. We have been taking more trips to NYC (we live an hour away), going to the zoo/botanical gardens/petting farms/fruit picking/beaches seeing friends together (especially if my friends have kids or similar ages), and learning to make new favorite foods together (we have made pretzels, cinnamon rolls, bagels). So much better than doing the same old constantly.
Anonymous says
Relevant to the risk discussion above, if you haven’t been already, I recommend going to Governor’s Island and taking your kids to The Yard if they are old enough. It’s an “adventure playground,” although it closely resembles a junk heap. The best part is parents have to stay out, so you can relax and stare at the sky while they work on making that tetanus shot earn its keep. The bike rental place also has go-kart like things and those multi-person surreys that might son loves.
Anon says
so last night where i live there was a tornado warning around 11pm. i’m not really familiar with tornado protocols – was i supposed to wake up my fast asleep toddlers and take them somewhere? we live in an apartment building on the 4th floor.
Anonymous says
If it is a warning, that means one has actually been sighted. If it is headed your way you absolutely should try to get to a basement.
Anon says
Yea if the sirens go offf you’re supposed to go the basement or other safe area. We do wake sleeping children to do this even though they cry and it’s miserable for all of us.
OP says
no sirens went off. where we live there are no basements. DH was not home from work yet. should i have put them in the stroller and gone into the stairwell?
Anon says
I would ask your building where to go in the event of tornado. But if no sirens went off are you sure it was a warning? A watch is much less serious.
Anonymous says
If she doesn’t live in an area that regularly gets tornadoes, there will not be sirens! Just phone/tv alerts.
Pogo says
Haha yeah I’m like… what sirens?! Like air raid sirens?
Anonymous says
Funny story, I slept through a tornado siren once. In central TX, next to a giant picture window. Lucky the tornado didn’t actually touch down nearby!
Anon says
I always slept through tornado sirens too, as does my kid. They’re not actually that loud and I believe children generally sleep more deeply than adults do.
TheElms says
A bathroom without a window on the ground floor if possible is likely the safest. Put the kids in the tub if you can. If you really think its coming your way I’d grab a toddler mattress if you have one and throw it over the kids in the tub. https://www.ready.gov/sites/default/files/2020-03/tornado-information-sheet.pdf
Anonymous says
Ugh, this reminds me of when in was growing up in Florida. Our school was a collection of portable buildings on cinderblocks – kind of like a trailer park – and the instructions in the event of a tornado were literally to go outside and lie facedown in a gutter. Thankfully we never had a tornado.
Anonymous says
We had those mobile trailer classrooms at our schools in the Midwest too! We always had a real school building too though so we went to the bathrooms in the main building in the event of a tornado.
Anonymous says
Not all areas have tornado sirens. If there was a tornado warning announced, you do need to get to a safe place and wake sleeping children if necessary. I believe the advice for people without basements is an interior room on the ground floor of the building, with no windows. We use the laundry closet.
Anonymous says
Hallways work well for this too.
Anonanonanon says
I grew up in tornado alley. I don’t know how it is where you live, but where I lived the warning applied to the entire county and didn’t necessarily mean a tornado was heading right for you. That is where you definitely need to watch the live coverage. Also depends how strong the tornado is. How tall is the building? Is the 4th floor the top floor? For an EF-1 I’d personally go into the bathroom with the kids and get into the tub or into an internal closet. For anything higher I’d take my kids into the stairwell. fwiw I’d put bike helmets on them regardless.
Anonymous says
Agree with the whole county thing in my area of the Midwest. I’d take the time to educate yourself on what warnings mean in your area. And live coverage is a must. Turn on your favorite local news channel or stream it online through their website. Listen to the broadcast instead of just reading an article or something. Especially while this is all new to you. They will show a map that tracks the path of the tornado and narrow it down and provide direction: “South side of Smithtown, you need to take shelter now”; “East side of Jones City, you’ll need to take shelter around 11:17”; etc.
Anonanonanon says
Yes thank you for making the distinction- definitely the live TV (or radio if you have to) coverage. As you mentioned, they will say “Such and such, it is heading for you, take shelter now” etc.
Sort of unrelated, but I remember when I was a kid one of the local weathermen would talk specifically to the kids who were home alone after school like “If you’re home right now without a parent it’s OK, I want you to turn your TV up as loud as it goes and go to a room with no windows. If you have a bike helmet you can wear it if you know where it is. I will tell you when it’s safe to come out.” and that has always stuck with me. Tornado-prone areas really treasure their local meteorologists.
Spirograph says
Awww that weatherman is really sweet. I grew up where tornado warnings are common but tornados aren’t strong and don’t usually cause much damage. I remember going over to a friend’s house for the first time and part of the welcome-to-my-house intro was, “we don’t have a basement, so here’s where we go if there’s a tornado, and then the the dog [big shaggy golden retriever] lies down with us and we all cover up with these blankets.” Their spot was the cupboard under the stairs, but a ground floor bathroom is also good. Windowless area is key.
OP, definitely educate yourself and have a plan for tornado warnings. Also, think about how you will message to sleepy toddlers in a way that is firm but not alarming. I did this poorly the first time and it prolonged the sleep disruption because then they were curious and then scared. Agree live coverage is key if you live somewhere where the warnings are county-wide.
Jeffiner says
Absolutely to bike helmets. If they are babies, put them in their bucket carseats. I’ve woken my daughter up to go to the tornado shelter. She thought it was a fun adventure, and years later it sparks questions like “if the house blows away with all our stuff in it, will you buy me a new grey horse toy?”
FP says
I live in TN which gets tornadoes occasionally. We follow a local weather Twitter account which gives very specific directions on which neighborhoods should get to a safe space, and there may be something like that local to you. In times when we need to take cover, we do a windowless room (interior closet or bathroom) and the kids put bike helmets on.
Realist says
Twitter is invaluable for this type of thing, especially if you can follow the storm-chasers and twister-chasers that cover your area. They will often be livestreaming or at least posting frequent updates and you know exactly what is going on.
anon says
Gift ideas for a 7 year old girl? I have a nearly 7 year old girl, so I should know this but my brain is in overthink mode. Budget is up to $30.
Anonymous says
Target or Barnes and Noble gift card!
anne-on says
This. At that age, and if you don’t know her interests I would 100% go with a gift card.
Anonymous says
What are her interests? You can’t really pick an appropriate gift just based on age and “girl”…
op says
I have no idea – she is my child’s classmate and we haven’t had playdates or any in person interaction.
Anonymous says
In our area, $15 would be the budget for that gift and it would be some random junk toy, a craft kit, a game, or a gift card.
DLC says
at that age, I started letting my daughter pick out presents when she was invited to birthday parties. (Is it a birthday party?) I mean I honestly hated most things that she picked out, but I feel like she had a better sense of what her peers want than I did. I really had to let go of the idea of sending a really great present that would be treasured forever. (Though I did try to gently discourage hatchimals.)
Mary Moo Cow says
Same here, especially in this past year when we haven’t socialized with any school families. I always like books, so we usually get a book and a toy. I try to remember a gift receipt so it can exchanged if it’s not her jam.
Anon says
For a classmate, the big thing at that age is still LOL dolls. You can also do a Lego Friends set. And honestly the vsco girl asthetic is big in early elementary (I assume because of big sisters/ cousins and babysitters?) so a knock-off Hydroflask with some vinyl stickers and a set of scrunchies or friendship-type bracelets would be a massive hit.
IHeartBacon says
What about a kit to make a solar powered robot? You can get them for about $25 on Amazon.
anon says
Walkie talkies are always fun and fairly personality agnostic: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07PZCQLJY/?coliid=I17WQYZFM4R770&colid=81P1FG2FAX7E&psc=1&ref_=lv_ov_lig_dp_it
A friend just had an LCD writing tablet (like an etch-a-sketch with a pen, no internet or apps) at a playdate and it was a huge hit: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07MV9JN7R/?coliid=I29MKDIKNEW69V&colid=81P1FG2FAX7E&psc=1&ref_=lv_ov_lig_dp_it
My kid is obsessed with her plasma ball: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07RMV23DZ/?coliid=I28MU28421Y5AL&colid=81P1FG2FAX7E&psc=1&ref_=lv_ov_lig_dp_it
These painting kits are really fun, even for kids who don’t like craft kits: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000S2T6OQ/?coliid=I7FEYI7U7M1YG&colid=81P1FG2FAX7E&psc=1&ref_=lv_ov_lig_dp_it
My 7yo also loved her rock ant farm: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07W3NLRVG/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_TH3WSG9RDYWQMMYS90TE?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
Anonymous says
My go to for this age is sidewalk chalk/bubbles/outdoor stuff or age appropriate Lego friends kit or a craft kit. I hate LOL. My 7 year old gets overwhelmed with a gift card and would just get the first thing she saw and never play with it.
Anonymous says
Is your 7 year old still into chalk and bubbles? I have an 8 year old boy who would not be. Agree re: LOL and gift cards.
Anonymous says
Ask your daughter for ideas! Failing that, I would do a small Lego set or craft kit with a gift receipt so they can return it.
anon says
I posted a bunch of ideas, but the links must be caught in moderation. Boo. I’ll try just to share the links.
anon says
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07MV9JN7R/?coliid=I29MKDIKNEW69V&colid=81P1FG2FAX7E&psc=1&ref_=lv_ov_lig_dp_it
anon says
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07RMV23DZ/?coliid=I28MU28421Y5AL&colid=81P1FG2FAX7E&psc=1&ref_=lv_ov_lig_dp_it
anon says
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000S2T6OQ/?coliid=I7FEYI7U7M1YG&colid=81P1FG2FAX7E&psc=1&ref_=lv_ov_lig_dp_it
anon says
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01FB7BP2I/?coliid=I34YH2L1M985PE&colid=WGJ1TBLPK1R6&psc=1&ref_=lv_ov_lig_dp_it
anon says
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0545647789/?coliid=I3PP6A6HSJV5WE&colid=WGJ1TBLPK1R6&psc=1&ref_=lv_ov_lig_dp_it
anon says
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01GHD4FRW/?coliid=I3658IH5GZJ86X&colid=3RQ7TFA9HN2LK&psc=1&ref_=lv_ov_lig_dp_it
Anonymous says
Ihave a 7.5 year old. I have her pick stuff out for her friends. Usually we go to target and come out with clothes, lipgloss, a Lego Kit, a craft kit, whatever.
I posted yesterday about a friend and decided on a personalized swimsuit set bag, hooded beach towel and sunglasses. my daughter found the shades and towel at TJ Maxx and I ordered the swim bag from Etsy.
Iris says
Thoughts on why using the Pfizer vaccine off-label for high-risk younger kids on a provider-prescribed basis is not being discussed? Maybe I am just not internetting well enough, but I can’t seem to find any discussion of this. I get that there would be major provider liability concerns with off-label use for kids when it is only approved for adults, but now that it is approved for 12 year olds, wouldn’t the liability risk for prescribing to slightly younger kids on a selective basis be much less? (Cross posting from main site.)
Anon says
It is being discussed and I’m going to walk through hell or high water to get it for my (low risk) kid if daycare allows unvaccinated teachers to remove masks. I’m pretty confident they’d only drop their mask mandate for unvaxxed teachers if the government mandates it like Texas just did. (I’m fine with masked, unvaccinated or vaccinated w/o masks for teachers and fine with no kids wearing masks.)
Anonymous says
DD just started at daycare, and yesterday we forgot her pacifier. We called a few times to ask whether we should drop one off, but could never get someone on the phone. When I arrived for pickup, a senior staffer at the center told me that she had gone across the street to Target to buy pacifiers (her baby is a similar age), and had given one to DD.
I’m weirded out by this. I don’t like the idea that someone is buying things for my kid without my permission. Also did they sanitize the pacifier?
Should I say something or am I overreacting? Husband thinks it’s not a big deal. FYI, this is a Bright Horizons.
AwayEmily says
I think this is super sweet and speaks really well of your daycare.
OP says
Thanks, that makes me feel better :)
HSAL says
Same.
Anonanonanon says
Awww same. that’s really sweet, and I would take it as she did what she would hope someone would do if it were her baby that didn’t have their paci (which is how I’d want caregivers to think!)
Agree that not being able to reach anyone the entire day is very concerning, though.
Anonymous says
Don’t call the daycare next time. They’ll call you if it’s a problem. It’s 100% fine that they bought a pacifier for your kid. Gently, why not enjoy that something was taken off your plate and that they handled a very minor problem without bothering you instead of making more work and anxiety for yourself?
AnonChi says
No opinion on the daycare buying new pacifiers, but I find it really concerning that you were not able to get anyone to answer the phone. I would ask why no one answered when you called multiple times and if they do not have a good answer, consider that a big red flag.
OP says
Yeah, this part has been a bit concerning as well, but per thread above, a lot of it has to do with COVID policies. They’re starting to return to full capacity, and it seems like the floater system is showing strain. I’m really hoping they can simplify things and at least allow vaccinated parents of infants to go to classroom entrances before too long.
Anon says
Our daycare makes sure someone is in the front at certain times (usually until 10 and past 3) but due to staffing issues it’s a stretch to have someone there full time. They had a couple people leave and it’s been challenging to find new people, but it looks like they’ve had some success hiring again recently.
Anonymous says
At our old daycare (in school now), the director carried a cordless phone on her. She was in a room working often (pre-Covid) but always had that phone with her to answer. She opened the daycare and the assistant director closed. When the assistant director came in, one or the other always had it. It wasn’t difficult for them to not be in the office and still answer a phone.
Anon. says
Yep – I have zero issue with the pacifier purchase but would be a bit concerned about not being able to reach anyone by phone. I think maybe once I have called and got sent to voicemail but got a call back within probably 5 minutes, every other time someone has answered the phone. (Also BH center)
Pogo says
+1
EDAnon says
Ours has a main line and a classroom line for each room. Since our kids have been there awhile, we have almost every classroom line. The main line is not always staffed so we call the classroom (and we could call the next door classroom if it was a really big deal).
In my state, the classrooms must have a phone so I would try to get that number.
Anon says
If you would feel better asking these questions for your peace of mind, then ask them. I feel like daycares, especially centers, are used to a whole range of parenting attitudes and styles and should be happy to allay any concerns. “Overreacting” is immediately pulling your child from daycare without another word or a backup plan. Clarifying what is going on with your child is not overreacting, to my mind.
FWIW, I think it’s no big deal out and would be grateful, though I tend to be the type that doesn’t need to know everything that goes down in daycare. However, I would want to know how to best get a hold of someone next time something came up.
Anonanonanon says
Personally, I’d say “Thank you again for buying (baby) a pacifier the other day. That reminds me- I did try to call a few times that day to see if I needed to bring one by but I never got anyone, how do you all prefer we contact you about things like that?”
Anonymous says
I would not worry about the pacifier and sanitization – ostensibly they are cleaning things constantly. Also in 6 months or less your baby will likely be crawling around and stuffing everything in sight in her mouth, sanitization be damned. This is not to say you shouldn’t try to keep things clean, but your standards will get a lot lower.
Anon Lawyer says
I just found a pacifier on the floor of my bathroom and then kicked it out to the carpeted bedroom, where I’m sure she’ll pick it up and put it in her mouth tonight. Uh, I might be a terrible mom.
Anon says
And oh man, if you have more kids… the number of times my younger kids have picked up baby’s paci out of the dirt and handed it to her is… concerning. Like I give it a win if the paci gets wiped off before being returned to baby. Her immune system is going to be fantastic.
I think it’s super sweet they got her a paci! I do think you need to make sure you have a way to get ahold of them – my center is actually pretty easy to email and get a fast response, so maybe there’s another method.
Pogo says
haha yes, this is such a first kid thing. I think I sanitized the pacis once for the second kid.
OP says
Oh this is baby #2… my husband is super vigilant about sanitizing and I guess it’s worn off on me!
Anon says
I agree it’s a little weird that they went out and bought her a paci but it’s also not something that would bother me. Full disclosure, I never bothered with sanitizing. My doctor said it wasn’t necessary for healthy full-term infants and it just seemed like a giant pain to sanitize all of baby’s stuff separately.
Anonymous says
Did you leave a message? I would be upset if I couldn’t get ahold of daycare having left messages.