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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anonymous says
My three year old daughter loves twisting her hair, and we’re at the point where sometimes the knots are so bad we are brushing out little chunks. We’ve been reminding her to stop but it doesn’t seem effective- she does it ALL the time, while nervous, while happy, while excited, while chatting. Anyone else had this? Any tips to make it stop? I don’t want to make a huge deal out of it but she’s headed towards a pixie cut if the hair loss continues.
NewJob says
My son, who is now 10 has done this all his life. Only solution I’ve found is to either cut his hair so short he can twirl it anymore (harder with a girl I know) or have him wear a hat. At times he literally has pulled a spot bald, so if anyone has good ideas I’m listening too!
anonM says
my 4YO son does this too! Didn’t realize it was so common. His hair isn’t even that long, and because of the texture when he does this it ends up with that one piece standing straight up. Maybe I’ll just cut it even shorter.
Cb says
My son did this and I was really worried about it, but your comment made me realise he hasn’t done it in months. So I think, barring any other issues, it’s likely a phase.
Signed, a childhood hair chewer who has 99.9% stopped as an adult. Occasionally my husband will point it out if I’m really, really stressed.
Anon says
Can you get her a bracelet or necklace to fiddle with instead? We’ve also told our 3yo that if she can’t stop chewing on her hair (in our case) we’re going to have to cut in short and she understands that.
Anonymous says
Braid it and give her fidget jewelry.
anon says
Oof, that’s hard. Is she willing to wear her hair up? I will say that between the ages of 3-6, my daughter had a collabone-length bob because she absolutely would not keep ponytails in her hair. The tangles were unreal. Now that she’s a little older and better able to help take care of her hair, she’s growing it out. TBH, I think her fine hair is better suited to the shorter length, but I also know she needs to have a bit more autonomy over her look at this point. (I didn’t feel bad about taking that option away from a preschooler, however.)
RR says
My daughter used to chew or suck on her hair (or her sleeves, etc.) They do grow out of it. I like the advice to braid it and give her fidgets. Something like the pop-its are probably good at that age. My 8 year old daughter still loves them and will use them while falling asleep.
Anonymous says
OP here, thanks all for the advice. She is not willing to wear her hair up and will in fact proudly pull out the hair ties I used to secure it in a braid or ponytail within minutes of me doing it. I like the idea of trying a bracelet or pop it though, she loves jewelry.
anonamommy says
What are your tips for helping an otherwise independent 6yo get herself ready for school in the morning? She needs pushing and prodding for every little thing, wants help getting dressed (she is fully capable), doesn’t brush her teeth until the toothbrush is prepped and in front of her mouth, etc. I realize we’ve done her no favors getting to this point but I am tired of resenting her and really want that time back in my morning. Bribery so far hasn’t worked – I offered that if she was ready and dressed downstairs quickly she could watch a show with breakfast, but she wasn’t interested.
anon says
Would a magnet chart/checklist work? Make a list of everything she needs to do in the morning, and she gets to move the magnet to a “done” column when she completes the step. That way the magnet is the boss, not you.
You have my sympathies. This kind of thing can really drag down the morning and lead to frustration on all ends. I’m still there with one of my kids who should be WELL past this point but ADHD makes things hard. (Not diagnosing your daughter, here. This is more expected at age 6 than age 12.)
Momofthree says
Not helpful with the toothbrush, but you can have her get dressed the night before. That’s helped us a lot.
We also have a reward of milk & having time to pack their lunch for school (they can get breakfast & lunch at school) at the end of the morning routine. You could also have it be a tv clip or something if there’s time.
Momofthree says
We have our kids sleep in their clothes for the next day- it’s one thing that makes the morning easier.
Anonymous says
In my house if you aren’t dressed on time you go to school in your pajamas.
Anonymous says
Unfortunately my 7 year old would be very happy to go in his pajamas daily 😂
Anon says
Yeah I don’t think this would be a bad thing for my 4 year old. She’d be thrilled!
DLC says
I don’t see going to school in pjs as a “punishment” or even problem, really. My child will figure out soon enough whether or not she wants to be known as the “kid in pjs”. I went to college classes in pjs frequently and it was fine and even fun. Getting a reluctant kid dressed is not where I want to spend my energy in the morning.
Anona says
I personally think sticker charts or rewards work for like a week, but it doesn’t really create a habit (at least in my house). I would stick to your normal routine until the end of the week, then on Saturday, sit her down, and tell her that you’d like her to take over her morning routines. Let her suggest one specific item she wants help with (picking out her clothes, for instance), or if she has suggestions for ways to make it easier. Have her come up with a plan. Tell her that the only thing you’ll be doing is leaving the house with her at the appointed time, but it’s up to her to get to that point.
And, then, honestly, just let her fail a bit. She may go to school in PJs – I bet it happens like twice – or without teeth brushed for a week or two. But barring any ADD/ADHD or other neurodiverse issues at play, she’s just got to figure it out, as long as she has advance notice and a plan in place. I think this really only works if you remove shame/nagging/yelling if she doesn’t get something done (breakfast/teeth/clothing). There’s no punishment from you, she’s not in trouble, she just gets the natural consequence of her not getting herself ready in time when you are walking out the door.
My preschool advised doing this. Basically, take the fight out of the morning, and let them get to a place where they WANT to get dressed b/c the alternative is going to school in PJs, not getting attention from you all morning. Maybe give her teacher a heads up that it might be a tough week? But better to have one tough week at 6 than to have this fight for 10 more years – sort of like sleep training.
Anon says
I think this could work for pajamas and things, but I’m not sure the natural consequences of not brushing your teeth are enough for a 6yo. Mine would be too happy to just skip it.
Anona says
Good point. This was one area where masks actually helped give me a natural consequence. My kids complained that their masks smelled – and I said that was how they smelled to other people when they didn’t brush their teeth. Both kids have since been excellent brushers.
I’d still find a trigger to get teeth brushed to avoid having to nag them to do it (otherwise in my house, they’ll never develop the habit). No TV or screen time until you’ve finished all jobs, including brushing? At night, I won’t go in my kids’ rooms to read to them until all their evening jobs, including brushing, are done, and no reading after 8:30, so they have boundaries on how long they can push their jobs off.
If the kid doesn’t have adult teeth, you could theoretically let them get cavities as the actual natural consequence of not brushing – but that’s too far, even for me (and I love a good natural consequence).
Anon says
That seems risky, because cavities really have more to do with genetics than oral hygiene. I know plenty of diligent brushers who had tons and plenty of people with terrible brushing habits (ahem, me as a kid) who never had a single cavity. Apparently how much saliva your body produces is very relevant to your cavity risk, and that’s entirely genetic, so kids with good genetics could totally learn the lesson that they can not brush and nothing bad happens.
Anonymous says
Yeah I have never brushed my teeth in the a.m. and don’t make my child and we do not generally have problems with cavities. I cannot vouch for our breath.
Mary Moo Cow says
Ooof. I’ve been there with my almost 7 year old and am in it with 4.5 year old. Time, letting her fail, and adjusting my attitude worked for me. By time, I mean that it was really bad from ages 6-6.5 and has gradually tapered off now that she’s almost 7. This, too, shall pass. My kids have to wear uniforms, so going to school in pajamas was not a true option: I considered it, but it is really frowned up and results in a note home, and I figured the self-imposed shame would be out of proportion for my sensitive kid. (I’m not saying others would shame her, I’m saying she would absolutely take notice that she was the only one out of uniform and internalize it and spiral.) Where I did let her fail, though, was having to wear the socks and shoes I picked out and put them on in the car or on the sidewalk at drop-off (that only happened once), and not having her hair done and teeth brushed (that also only happened once.) Finally, my attitude: once she clocked that I was going to let it go, that I wasn’t going to be in her room watching her get dressed and thundering at her to brush her teeth, she started to do these things with occasional prodding. I still have to poke my head in once or twice, but usually, she spots me watching before I say anything and she speeds it up. Good luck.
Anonymous says
Do you need to switch up the order of the routine? My daughter cannot do anything in the morning until she’s eaten.
Anonymous says
+1 mine has woken up hangry every day since birth
Anonymous says
7 year old is like this (and same fur getting ready for bed at night). Sticker charts are not a thing that works for him. He is just not very reward-motivated. Honestly, we have just decided to prioritize getting him enough sleep over independence in this for the moment . I worry I’ve made the wrong choice, but I want him to sleep till the last possible moment and I do not want screaming fights every morning. If we make as little fuss as possible but do help a bit, we avoid screaming AND he is making increments progress over time (some mornings will get fully dressed by himself!) Same for bedtime, I do not find screaming meltdowns to be conducive to good sleep and without good sleep we get … more meltdowns so I am just leaning into still helping but less over time. And just aware that this particular child is perhaps not at the top of the developmental chart on care of self.
AwayEmily says
yeah, I’m kind of with you on this one. I literally dressed my 6yo up until about three months ago, when she decided she wanted to start dressing herself. And I still have to prod her along a bit. I kind of think she’ll get there when she gets there and it’s not worth my time/sanity to pressure her in the AM when we’re all stressed anyway. FWIW her 4yo brother dresses himself with alacrity every morning so I do think readiness varies a lot by kid.
Anon says
We have my daughter sleep in the next day’s clothes so she actually can go to school in her “pajamas.” She’s only 4 and still wears soft, comfortable clothes (not jeans) to school, otherwise I’m not sure this would work. I assume eventually this won’t work but for now it’s a good time-saver.
Anonymous says
DD has been pinching my cheeks lately – she’s 18 mo old and barely lets me cut her nails. She squeezes really hard and it’s very painful. She does it when I’m holding her, so I work hard to stay calm and say something like “ow, that doesn’t feel good, I’m putting you down so that i am safe,” but sometimes it’s hard to dislodge her fingers before I do that. And last night it seemed like she did it because she wanted to put down, instead of just dive bombing out of my arms like she normally does. Any ideas? She drew blood once this weekend.
AIMS says
I never said ‘Ow’ calmly. I would say it loudly and a bit dramatically. Sometimes this led to a bit of crying but the objectionable behavior usually stopped right away. I would try that rather than expect a baby to follow what you are calmly saying.
Anon says
+1
Anon says
I remember these days. It is a phase and it will stop eventually. I think your reaction is perfect. As long as you are following through with putting her down after she pinches. I also hate to be “that mom” but you might find that it’s better to have someone tag team with you and hold her down a bit to really trim the nails. I know it’s not the most “gentle” way of getting the task done. Around 18 months, my DD started to have conflicts with her peers at daycare. If her nails were not trimmed, we’d get harsh notes from daycare that we needed to trim them to avoid scratches on other kids. I don’t blame them. It’s not fun to have a kid on the receiving end of this either. Now that she’s a little older, she calls them manicures and we treat it like a fun happy task, so it gets better.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Agree on the nail cutting – most toddlers hate this or don’t sit still for this. We had to hold our kids down in a tag team effort at ages 1-2. It gets easier as they get older, or at least easier to bribe!
Anon says
I never cut my kids nails. Always used a file and let them “help” on my nails and with theirs. Husband and I were always too scared of clippers.
Anonymous says
Hold her down and cut her nails, and don’t treat this as a gentle parenting exploration of her feelings. No! That hurts mommy. Bad!
Anonymous says
Any chance she’s in any kind of pain? Teething maybe? My LO (19 mos) has gone through phases like this, and it’s usually because she’s uncomfortable – reflux around 8 mos, then on and off when teething, and more recently because of an ear infection starting.
Otherwise, I just say OW firmly and loudly (but not shrieking), and she gets the hint.
Anonymous says
Also, we do screen time for nail trims.
AnonATL says
My son is 20m and he doesn’t pinch but he will pull my hair quite hard. I’ve always said ow that hurts mommy (maybe a bit loud) and detangled his hands and walked away for a couple minutes.
Lately he’s learned the word sorry, but then he does the activity again so we are still working on it.
Anon says
Get this for nail maintenance. It’s all we’ve ever used on our 18 month old, and so even when she went through squirmy phases, there was no risk of cutting her.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B073VBYNH4/ref=sspa_dk_detail_5?psc=1&pd_rd_i=B073VBYNH4&pd_rd_w=9AckW&pf_rd_p=0c758152-61cd-452f-97a6-17f070f654b8&pd_rd_wg=39CQp&pf_rd_r=FKVPJNWHYFS7G86G575N&pd_rd_r=8f07b533-470d-44df-ba78-35129b1edd89&s=hpc&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEzUjVWQU1FQzZCSkpCJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEwNDQ2OTg4MVMyVjRVOEQ5VVNJVSZlbmNyeXB0ZWRBZElkPUExMDI5NDU0VlEzOFNISFFYTjRJJndpZGdldE5hbWU9c3BfZGV0YWlsJmFjdGlvbj1jbGlja1JlZGlyZWN0JmRvTm90TG9nQ2xpY2s9dHJ1ZQ==
IHeartBacon says
Cut her nails while she sleeps.
Anon says
Depends on the kid. At that age, I couldn’t enter my kid’s room without her waking up.
NYCer says
Yeah, I heard people suggest this all the time, but my kids are definitely not heavy enough sleepers for it to work!
Anonymous says
+1 – I did this for a while
Anonymous says
Hi Moms. I am spiraling and looking for any support I can get. I just had a growth scan yesterday and they estimate my baby’s current weight to be 9lbs 7oz at 36 weeks 4 days. That puts him well into the 99th percentile. I know ultrasounds can be wildly inaccurate. I have read that they typically predict within 15-20% of the actual weight, though. Even if he is 20% less than the estimate, he is going to be a huge baby if I go full term.
I am terrified of a c-section. I do not respond as expected to anesthesia. I regularly feel pain even when I am supposed to be numb and have woken up during surgery while intubated. I am terrified that I will have to have the surgery and feel everything.
I had a really traumatic induction with my first (2 failed epidurals and erratic overlapping contractions from the pitocin) and all I wanted was to be able to go into labor naturally this time and hopefully not even deal with the trigger of attempting an epidural. My best hope was that I would have this baby around 41 weeks without an induction, because every woman in my family has babies really late and 41 weeks is on the earlier side for the genetics I’m working with. Now I really don’t think the doctors will want me to wait that long and also avoid a c-section. I am just so upset I am to the point of questioning why I ever even decided to have another baby after my traumatic first experience. I feel like a fool for thinking things would be better this time.
I do have a doula, and I have been reading stories of women who have given birth to very large babies naturally, but I am in a terrible spiral of anxiety and sadness.
Anon says
you need to talk to your doctor and also find a recommendation for a therapist. i had a very traumatic birth experience with my twins and had terrible PPD/PPA. i worked with a therapist and now almost 4 years later still feel sad sometimes that i never got to push out a baby or go into labor naturally, but for the most part i don’t really care anymore. i’m healthy and have two healthy children and that is what matters the most in the long run, though i completely understand that right now this feels very scary.
the ultimate goal is for you and your baby to be healthy. talk to your doctor about your history with anesthesia, speak with an anesthesiologist. if you do end up having to have a c section ask for a TAP block.
Anonymous says
I agree, I do need to work through all of this. Thanks for sharing your experience. I had mostly moved on from the trauma of my first birth but being on the verge of another birth has brought a lot of that up and shown me that even though I moved on, I never really worked through it.
Cb says
Oof, that sounds really scary and I second the comment below for additional support. But will offer some total anecdata: I had a similar 36 week scan with 10.5lb predicted birth weight and gave birth to a 8lb12oz baby, 13 days late! The midwife said that sometimes the ultrasound gets a chubby angle.
Anon says
Similar anecdata here. They told me she was over 7 lbs at a 34 week scan and could be over 10 lbs at birth. She was 8 lbs 6 oz at 40w4d (I was induced).
Anona says
I got an 11-13 lb estimate (husband was like 12 lbs at birth), and kid got yanked out 41 wks 2 days at 7 lbs, 3 oz.
busybee says
Yep. At my 36 week growth scan I was told I’d be having a 9 pound baby. She was born at 39+2 weighing 6 pounds 12 ounces.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Hugs. It sounds like you are thinking through the worst case scenarios so hopefully my experience can provide a little bit of relief. I also had huge babies – in fact, my second was over 10lbs at birth. With my first, I had to be induced at almost 42 weeks, but with the second, my OB stripped my membranes at around 40 weeks, which really got labor moving (he was born the following day). Can you try that? And I don’t think a C Section is the default just for large babies. My second labor was much faster than the first – the hardest part of the pushing was due more to his very large head (also 90+%) rather than his weight.
Anon says
I also had a 10 lb baby and my delivery was uneventful, easier than my first. I decided to schedule an induction. I think the OP needs to share her fears with her doctor so they can help her sort out what to do. It may not be so bad but her past experience is making her only see the negative.
So Anon says
Hugs. It sounds like you’ve had rough experiences in the past. I would absolutely talk with your provider about your concerns – both in terms of birth weight and your past experiences with anesthesia.
As a few points of anecdata: I had an ultra sound with my oldest at 36 weeks. They were over 2lbs off his birthweight. I had an ultra sound with my youngest at 40wk3days. The tech grimaced and estimated her at 10lbs at that point. She was “only” 9lbs 3oz at birth. Remember that fat squishes.
AwayEmily says
One thing that might help you mentally is to talk to your doctors now about your history with anesthesia, alternatives to an epidural, etc — basically to work out a game plan and a strategy for you to advocate yourself when you are in the hospital. I had also had a tough birth with my second (not as scary as yours tho — unexpectedly fast progression, didn’t get the epidural in time and had an unmedicated birth, which I REALLY did not want) and so for my third I had a long talk with the doctor about when I could ask for my epidural, and when I got to the hospital both my husband and I were very vocal about needing it sooner rather than later (I ended up getting it when I was at 4cm and then gave birth an hour later). Mentally it really helped me to have some scripts and to game out how I would respond in different situations.
anon says
The weight doesn’t matter that much. The head circumference matters and, to a lesser extent, shoulders. The weight estimates are done through a calculation that can be thrown way way off by one of the measurements being a little bit wrong, like the angle adding length to the femur, or the kid just having long legs.
All of that to say, I’ve been there. I also had failed epidurals and a complicated history with anesthesia including waking up during complex retinal surgery (I have an actual diagnosis of PTSD from this). But if it helps at all, I had three epidurals over two births, all of which failed entirely, but the anesthesia for my one c-section worked perfectly. I had a long conversation with the anesthesia department ahead of labor, and the on-call had good notes in my file. I don’t know what he did — I didn’t care at that point — but he made it work and was incredibly kind and responsive and at one point was telling me every 60 seconds “I’m here, I’m right here, I’ll know the second you feel anything and I’ll be able to help.” I thought the c-section would be traumatizing but it was not at all.
Deep breaths. Prepare, plan, ask for help, make as many decisions for different scenarios in advance as you reasonably can, make sure your doula and anyone else who will be with you have the whole history and are ready to go to bat for you, etc. There are a lot of things you can do to look out for yourself and to feel you have some power here.
Anonymous says
Thanks for sharing. I haven’t ever known anyone else with this kind of anesthesia problem so it is reassuring to hear that the c-section was ok for you!
Anonymous says
That’s so rough, I’m sorry. Are you giving birth at the same hospital, with the same doctor? I had a bad experience with baby #1 (miserable induction, epidural redo, etc).But for baby #2 I was at a different hospital and had a different anesthesiologist. Second time around was SO much better. My body responded much better to the induction, the actual management was of the induction was much better in terms of what I was given and when, and the epidural was administered by someone who was clearly much more skilled. I would talk in detail with your obgyn and see what can be done in terms of assembling the best care team possible.
Anonymous says
Anecdata, but I was told at 32 weeks that my baby was already 7 lbs, so I was on track for a 10 lb-er. Baby was 6 lbs even when she arrived at 39 weeks. Ultrasounds at this stage of the game are notoriously inaccurate. My OB said that the same thing had happened to her.
Also, I don’t do well with anesthesia, and I brought this up with my OB, who suggested talking to an anesthesiologist as soon as I was admitted (assuming it was before any unbearable pain). That helped a lot, and he was able to figure out a plan that worked. Obviously ymmv – my water broke before my contractions got intense, so I was at the hospital earlier than I’d wanted to be. The epidural did start to wear off while I was pushing, but the nurses got him right back in the room to give more.
Anonymous says
Same numbers for me — measured 7 lbs at 32 weeks, gave birth at 38.5 weeks and he was 7 lbs. The ultrasounds are notoriously inaccurate.
Anon says
Anecdata, but my manager at work was induced at 39 weeks because the baby was measuring 11ish lbs. He ended up being 8-something.
Anon says
First, those measurements are pretty notoriously off.
Second, I think getting a therapist to talk through the fear of anesthesia is a good idea since it’s possible you’ll need a c-section. And talk to your doctor about this fear! I’ve heard of a lot of epidurals not working – I’m not sure I’ve ever heard of a spinal tap not working (not to minimize your fear but just to say it’s a different anesthesia experience to the epidural). Also in the surgery itself they will test and make sure it’s working before they begin the c-section and you’re conscious so you can tell them you feel it and they can address it. It’s not like an active labor situation – especially if planned. So I’d be less nervous about a c-section than about labor truthfully!
anon says
Agree with all the stories of growth scans being horribly wrong. My bff had a 10lbs 10oz baby and had no clue he was that big before he was born. (no c-section btw, 40 weeks I think).
More anecdata for you: they told me baby was measuring big too, born at 39w 1d, 9lbs 2oz, no epidural. Did not hurt more or less than my first at 7lbs, same 2nd degree tear. I drank 4 bags of raspberry leaf tea a day starting at 38 weeks, its supposed to may contractions more effective, my labor was very short. Also, I saw a chiropractor weekly the last month, not normally a believer, but maybe that helped too?
I’m so glad you have a doula, lean on her and listen to her.
anonM says
Sending you so many good vibes and wishes for a safe delivery.
Just echoing others in saying talk to your doctor, doula, and — when the time comes — make sure each nurse knows your past birth/medical reactions/history. You’ll have to be vocal, but it can really help. I had a really traumatic first birth, and while I had a very similar complication the second time, it was much less difficult because nurses/doctors all had the heads up, DH and I knew how to advocate better, we knew the same issue was likely to come up again, etc etc. Deep breaths, you’ve got this.
Anonymous says
I don’t have advice on the anesthesia but I think everyone else had good points. Ultrasound definitely CAN be off. Do you feel like this baby is bigger? Do you think your belly looks huge? I’ll only give you my experience – my first was 7lbs5oz at exactly her due date. When I reached 36weeks with my second I felt seriously full term. I was having trouble walking more than 2 blocks and I could feel he was big. My husband said “you haven’t gained a lot but your belly is huge”, and not as an insult it was the truth. The doctor kept telling me it was a normal sized baby. Well I went in at 40+4 for an ultrasound and he was measuring 10lbs3oz. He was born 6 hours laters at 9lbs7oz. So the ultrasound was a little off, but not wildly.
Bette says
Get your membranes stripped. It’s the only non-invasive thing proven to promote labor and reduce the chance of c-sections. I gave birth in the early weeks of covid and did not want a c-section because my partner would not have been allowed to be present. I had my membranes stripped at 39w4d and started labor within 24 hrs.
I’d seek to understand what went wrong with your last epidurals and make sure your doula is aware so she can be proactive on this issue.
Also, Emily Oster has a whole section on this in her book expecting better which i really enjoyed.
Good luck.
Anonymous says
+1 about membranes stripped. I’m the commenter above with 9lb7oz baby, membranes stripped and my water broke 1hr later…baby in arms 5hrs after that!
OP says
I will definitely do this if it’s an option for me. With my first, I never dilated even a tiny bit before I was induced, so a membrane sweep wasn’t possible. Hoping my body is just more ready for birth this time!
Anon says
I may be biased because I had my membranes stripped without my knowledge or consent during an induction, but I thought it was excruciatingly painful and would never do it again. I think it’s linked to higher rates of infection in both mother and baby also. My MD dad was pretty horrified when he found out about it (not just the lack of consent part, obviously that’s the most horrifying part, but he was very surprised and critical that it was done at all).
EDAnon says
I also had them stripped without consent during my second induction. I allowed it for my first and it didn’t work and hurt. I specifically said I didn’t want it the second time. That doctor was a monster.
Didn't work for me says
As a counterpoint, I had my membranes stripped twice (39w and 39+6), without the desired effect. I didn’t find it painful (or really even uncomfortable – my OB was really surprised). I ended up being induced at 40+1 (my OB policy due to me being 40+ and having done IVF), and had a vaginal delivery without epidural (which was what I’d hoped for).
Anon says
I won’t second-guess your fears / experience with anesthesia. But as a point of reference – I had 2 planned c-sections, for predicted (and actual) 99% babies. The anesthesiologist was next to me the whole time in each case, asking how things were going, and able to make necessary adjustments immediately. I had a much easier recovery from my planned c-sections than my friends who labored first, then had unplanned c-sections.
Different anecdata – my mother is a size 2 and had two unmedicated, untraumatic births of a 9.5lb and 10.5 babies.
MNF says
You’ve gotten so much good advice and reassurance but one more point to add. IMO big babies are the best! Mine was 10 pounds (born after an induction (failed epidural too!) which turned into a c-section, which I had wanted to avoid at all costs), and she was a great sleeper. Our ped said you could stop waking them to feed every 2 hours when they hit 10 pounds, so we just never did that. She was sleeping in 5 hour chunks by 7 weeks. (Also a friend just beat our record with a 10.5 pound baby – delivered via induction no tears)
Anonymous says
Yes my LGA baby was a great sleeper/eater. Heads up one issue we had was he gained weight a little slower so some of the peds got nervous BFing wasn’t going well (it was). Finally my favorite one just shrugged and said “eh he’s gaining, big babies gain weight slowly because they’re already so big”.
Also my big baby’s head wasn’t that much bigger than his sisters, he was just longer and fatter. So very minimal tearing and easy recovery vs my first 7lb baby.
OP says
Thank you! When your epidural failed during induction, were they able to place a spinal block or something before going into the c-section?
Anon says
Our ped gave us permission to not wake our 8 lb 6 oz baby. I think the wake to feed advice is kind out of outdated, except for tiny/premature babies.
I do agree bigger babies eat and sleep better. From anecdotal experience, 8-9 lbs is usually plenty but I would never want a 6 lb baby.
OP says
Thank you all so much for all your kind words, advice, and stories. This has helped me so much today. I wrote that post this morning in tears in my office with the door closed. I’m really feeling so much better now, so thank you all for taking the time to respond.
Anonymous says
Late reply, so I know you’re already feeling better, but: I have gone overdue with both of my kids and had routine births that produced one 9 lb, 10 oz baby at 41+3 and one at an even 10 lbs at 40+4. Minimal tearing, no dystocia. Went into labor naturally both times. Didn’t know the first one would be so big; thought the second would be based on the first, but didn’t change anything.
Big babies do not alway mean bad outcomes. And they slept GREAT as infants.
anon says
Looking to do our first family trip since Jan 2020 …looking to do something relaxing but with some fun thrown in for a 3 year old. Flying out from NYC with a budget of 10k. Was thinking about doing the Rosewood at Baha Mar. ANy other recs? places with kids club or sitters would be great.
Anon says
A 3 year old will be happy at any beach resort and virtually all nice beach resorts in the Caribbean have kids clubs, so I’d focus on what the adults are looking for – good snorkeling? good food? lots to do? People might be able to offer more specific suggestions if they know what you’re looking for.
jz says
I’ve never been to any of the nice beach resorts (as a single I usually stayed at more budget options and explored a lot locally but I am not sure I’m ready to do that with a kid yet especially as a first trip) so would like any preferences in general for travel with a young kid. I think priority would be easy journey (direct flight and not too far from airport) with some interesting local sightseeing and good food on site.
jz says
Also would Sept be a really boring time to go if most kids are back in school
Anon says
September is prime hurricane season so I’d avoid going then for that reason. But I don’t think having fewer families with kids around is that big a deal, personally. Probably depends on your kid’s personality and your preference for how much time you spend without your kid. Mine is pretty social and extroverted at home, but has always preferred to spend vacations with her parents, and that is our preference too for the most part. To the extent she participates in kid activities at a resort, a lower adult:kid ratio would be better because she tends to warm up to strange adults faster than strange kids. If you think your kid would be lonely on vacation without other kids around YMMV.
Beach resorts with kids clubs are definitely an easy first vacation with a toddler or preschooler. About as easy as you can get without bringing along more adults, I would say. When we do this kind of trip, we prefer to eat all our meals on site (it’s a lot more relaxing than leaving the resort every time someone needs to eat – which is often with a 3 year old). For a weeklong trip eating only at the resort, I’d want the resort to have at least 3 or 4 different restaurants to make sure I didn’t get bored of the food.
Anon says
We just did the BahaMar over spring break. I too love a fancy hotel, but if you’re able to I’d go with a ‘One-Bedroom Fountain View/Ocean View Residence’ in the Grand Hyatt vs the Rosewood. They all connect to the same shared areas though the Rosewood has a private beach/pool but all the beaches and pools were pretty open. The Hyatt ‘residence’ has a really nicely laid out kitchennette and washer/dryer. It was amazing to come home with clean clothes, and as an FYI the food is CRAZY expensive so this gives you the option of eating breakfast/snacks in your room and having a glass of wine/beer without the crazy VAT plus tax upcharge.
The hotel/pools/restaurants/water parks were all great, and service was really nice! But I cannot stress again just how much food/drink costs are – I’d estimate at least $300/day if you primarily go to the ‘under 5 kids eat free’ restaurants (which not all of them do). It’s also similar to Disney that you need to make reservations ahead of time (4-6 weeks was fine) otherwise your options are VERY limited. Kids club was ‘ok but not great’ according to my 7-yr old who was spoiled by the Four Seasons and Ritz kids clubs, and about $75 for 4 hours.
Raindrop says
Wise hive, hit me with all of your favorite tips, tricks, and hacks for traveling with a baby. Details: 2-hour direct flight, some 1-2 hour car driving, baby will be 9 months old and currently sleeps in crib with blackout and white noise at home. We’ll be staying with family, attending one special family event in the middle of one day. What do we bring/buy and ship there/forgo? Open to buying certain things to have at the destination for the long term as we will likely be there at least once a year.
Anonymous says
You can use aluminum foil or cardboard to create temporary black out for windows.
Anon says
I’d order diapers and wipes delivered to the destination. I think most people will tell you to ship a PNP there, but we actually brought our PNP when flying quite a few times (in checked luggage) and it wasn’t a big deal. I’d bring the car seat (gate check if baby doesn’t have their own seat on the plane) and a stroller or wheeled frame that the carseat clicks into. I can’t recall bringing a lot of other baby gear when traveling. I think the other big item at this age would be a high chair, but we made do without one on trips.
Raindrop says
I would not have thought to ship diapers and wipes. So smart. Thank you!
Anonymous says
Rentals are also an option! My parents rent a crib and car seat for us from a baby rental place when we visit Florida. It works out soooo well. Ship temporary blackout curtains and sound machine.
Anon says
for the travel portion: one diaper per hour of travel (door to door travel), extra formula if that is what baby eats, at least one change of clothes per human, and i always put baby in one regular diaper and one nighttime diaper for the flight itself
for the destination: ship all consumables to the destination, in my case my parents seemed to enjoy being given a list of things to go buy, so diapers, wipes, shampoo, lotion, food, etc. i dont know if this destination is friends for family, but one set of grandparents purchased pack n plays and ikea high chairs. other set of grandparents borrows those things from their large circle of friends when we visit. we bring our sound machine, though could’ve purchased one for each location, but seemed kind of like a waste. you can also purchase temporary blackout shades online. i have twins – one twin slept great in the pack n play, other twin who is a great sleeper at home, would take 1-2 nights to adjust to the pack n play on each trip. fortunately, we generally traveled for a week at a time because those first two nights were awful
Mary Moo Cow says
+1 on the borrowing network, if it is available. It makes me laugh how much my mom’s circle of friends swap stuff when the grandbabies are visiting. One friend has a really cool Step 2 connecting wagon that my kids beg to borrow. My mom has borrowed and loaned the fisher price lamb chair, the fisher price high chair that sits in the regular chair, tons of toys, the wagon, a stoller, a pack and play… basically everything but food. And it brings her community together.
You might check out the Slumber Pod if you think your kiddo will need the lights out and sound machine (you can tuck a fan or sound machine into it.)
anon says
My 3rd grader has gotten in trouble at school a few times recently as well as been caught in a lie to me. The school has handled it well and we addressed the lying head on. We have neve been punitive with him but I am wondering if the latest offense merits a punishment (something like losing screen time). He has combined-type ADHD, no meds.
Any advice on how to handle this?
Anon says
This type of thing has definitely resulted in a no screen-time consequence in our household.
Anonymous says
Depending on what kind of trouble and depending on the context of the lie, but yes absolutely punishment by taking away privileges. No screen time, no video games, no dessert, canceling special outing for the weekend. I always investigate first — sometimes kid gets in trouble at school because her teacher misunderstands the situation, and sometimes she’s lied for reasons not deserving punishment (i.e. being embarrassed about something or trying to protect a friend’s feelings), but in most cases, lying and getting in trouble in school need to have consequences.
Anonymous says
I think you have to know your kid on this – for our son, a stern talking to about how we are disappointed in him is really meaningful, and we haven’t gone farther than that.
Anon says
Please take his ADHD into account. Lying is part of the disorder. Not saying you shouldn’t do anything, but this is nothing like lying from a same-age neurotypical kid and shouldn’t be treated the same way.
Anon says
+1. But at the same time, screen time can be very bad for kids with ADHD, so I’d consider cutting it not as a punishment but as a healthy lifestyle choice
Mo says
Mom advice needed: Going to a wedding in northern NY in July and bringing our 6 month old. The wedding is outdoors at a hotel and baby will likely be in a wearable baby carrier for all / part of ceremony. What works best for mom to wear in this case – Eg is long dress better? Flat sandals better than heels? Any advice from those who have been in this spot appreciated!
H13 says
I did this once! I wore a knee length dress and it was fine. I did wobble on wedges go down stairs in front of the church and it was scary so I definitely recommend flats!
Anonymous says
Knee length dress, I was OK in heels. I wore my 3 month old for a very loud and fun Portuguese wedding reception and she slept the entire time.
Anonymous says
Unless you are sure everything will be paved, flats or block/wedge heels are best for outside weddings so your heels don’t sink into the ground.
Anon says
Bring ear protection for the baby!! Might be less of an issue outdoors but we took my daughter to a wedding at 4 months and spent most of the reception in the hallway because the music in the reception was so loud I was worried it was going to lead to permanent hearing damage. Apparently it’s standard to bring ear protection for babies at weddings but I did not know that…