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It is finally March, which means spring is really around the corner. I’m ready for a change — even if that change is from snow/sleet/ice to rain.
I’ve had the same pair of Hunters for more than 10 years, and perhaps it’s time for a new look. Hunter has so many options now, but I’m drawn to their Refined Chelsea Boot — from a distance, it looks like a traditional Chelsea boot rather than a rubber rain boot, it has a slight heel and platform, and it comes in four subdued colors that are perfect for those heading back to the office.
With these boots, I’ll be ready for whatever weather early spring throws my way.
They are available at Nordstrom $145 in sizes 6–11 (whole sizes only).
Sales of note for 4.14.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – Mid-Season Sale: extra 40% off; extra 20% off sale styles; 40% off new spring styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 40% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50-60% off select styles; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – 40% off dresses; 30% off your purchase
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Cyber Spring: 50% off everything & free shipping
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time; 30% off select shoes
- Talbots – BOGO 50% off everything, includes markdowns (ends 4/14)
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Buy 3+ get 30% off forever favorites
- J.Crew Crewcuts – 30% off your purchase
- Old Navy – Up to 70% off clearance; sales on shorts and polos
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event; BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture;
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anon says
For those of you who have had multiple kids with close age gaps – am I an idiot for wanting to purge my closet of things that don’t make sense for maternity or breastfeeding, seeing as I’ll be in one phase or the other for the foreseeable future (4ish years)?
Currently breastfeeding a 20-week old and our plan is to have 1-2 more kids, each time waiting until the baby is 1 year old before we start “trying” for the next one (and by “trying”, I mean start the IVF transfer cycle process – we’re done with retrievals and mathematically speaking, should be able to have at least 1-2 more children from banked embryos). I was going through my closet this morning and thinking 1) wow I have a lot of business clothes, sheath dresses etc., that will likely not see the light of day for a loooooong time given pandemic plus pregnancy/breastfeeding, but also 2) if all goes to plan, it’ll be at least 4 summers in a row where I’m either pregnant or breastfeeding. It just seems like all of these factors are a great excuse for a good purge, but curious if anyone has been there, done that, and then regretted it.
Anonymous says
I am very superstitious so I would never do this because I feel like it would jinx my ability to conceive more quickly. My size also wasn’t really any different while breastfeeding, so even if I were planning three pregnancies in close succession I would have wanted the normal clothing to wear in between pregnancies. I guess your situation is a little different with the IVF, but unless you’re trying to sell this stuff for a decent amount of money while it’s still trendy I guess I just don’t really see a downside to keeping it until you’re done having kids and then giving away whatever doesn’t fit or you don’t want.
Anonymous says
Don’t throw out all your clothes before you’re even pregnant again!
Pogo says
I’d get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy generally, but not just because it’s not maternity/nursing.
Anonymous says
+1
Anonymous says
I mean purge if you want to. But yeh by the time I was back at work I was in my normal sized clothes, especially sheath dresses. I would just do a normal purge of your non favorite items. Do you think you’ll be in the office FT by this summer or next summer? If you predict only going in 2-3 days a week then obviously you’ll need a smaller work wardrobe
Anonymous says
My oldest is 8 and my youngest is 3. I literally just 6 months ago got back to my weight from 8 years ago and can wear things from pre-child! Things I haven’t worn in 8 years! I did a purge of dated/worn items but there are some good pieces in there that I have absolutely considered tossing in the past. I’m glad I held onto them. that said, there are a few things I tossed during this most recent purge that I should have tossed years ago.
Anon says
Any experiences with risperidone? Interested in hearing before and afters, thanks.
Anonymous says
More context needed. That’s a pretty powerful antipsychotic.
Anonymous says
For ADHD in children.
Anonymous says
A child with solely an ADHD diagnosis? Or a child with an ADHD diagnosis with diagnosed or suspected DMDD (dysruptive mood destabilization disorder), ODD, or other major behavioral challenges?
It’s been my observation that the heavy duty side effects of risperdone, particularly on boys, have had it fall out of favor. It’s considered an atypical antipsychotic and not generally considered a first or second line treatment for ADHD in my experience.
That being said, I’ve worked with kids on risperdone and it worked amazingly for one, didn’t work at all for another. They sometimes will have a child take a small dose of Metformin to counteract the weight gain side effects.
Personally, if you’re at the point where behaviors are uncontrolled: I would try it. I would try SEVERAL other medications first though… along with therapeutic techniques and working with a family therapist.
Ifiknew says
Best way to let my almost 4 year old do audio books in her room?
Cb says
We use an old ipad and the libby app. We have to come in and change them when he changes his mind, but I think it’s better/cheaper than one of the specific devices. We also have a CD player. It seems ridiculous in 2021 to get a CD player but it was via freecycle.
Anonymous says
We bought a new CD player in 2019 so my toddler could listen to music. She didn’t really take to it unfortunately but I still think it was a great idea in theory. I won’t have Alexa and the like in my house.
AwayEmily says
We have a Sonos in the kids’ room, and it is connected to Libby (the public library app), which has lots of audiobooks. When she wants to listen to a story, I put it on the speaker in her room using my phone. She never touches the phone/speaker herself.
(and I will say it has been GREAT. Especially after school when she needs to decompress, I’ll suggest listening to a story for twenty minutes in her room, and she comes out much happier and ready to hang with her little brother).
HSAL says
We use a Kindle Fire tablet with the Overdrive/Libby library app. It’s basically the only thing she uses it for and she doesn’t bother it. If she touched it, I’d probably put a bluetooth speaker in the room and control it from my phone.
OP says
Thank you guys! What are some of your kids favorites for the 4 year old range? So helpful
Cb says
Harry and the Dinosaurs, Winnie the Pooh, Paddington, Dogger are all favourites. Peter Rabbit was described as too scary, but I think it’s because he finds the BBC version of Mr McGregor horrifying.
AwayEmily says
At that age (early 4) we had the best luck with stories/characters she was already familiar with. Honestly, the Frozen ones are great. Our kids were obsessed with Robert Munsch, and he reads his own stories. They loved those.
Anon says
We use a CD player and taught our almost-4-yos to change CDs, restart them, adjust the volume, etc. We have smart speakers downstairs, but for their room the low tech solution that they can operate completely on their own is great.
Shoes? says
Looking for good casual, walking around shoes. In the past, I’ve worn Sperry’s, Tom’s, and slip-on Sketchers for this purpose–what’s a cool option for this year?
Anonymous says
I don’t know if this qualifies as a cool option, but I love my Sperry tennis shoes for this. A bit more supportive than chucks but same type of look, no socks required.
Anonymous says
I don’t know if they’re cool, but I have Adidas courtset and I think they’re super cute and I get a lot of compliments on them. They’re very comfortable too.
AnotherAnon says
I’ve also worn Sperry’s and Tom’s in the past and now I wear Allbirds.
Anonymous says
P448 or Veja sneakers.
Katala says
Rothy’s sneakers. Not for long walks but for casual wear, I like them. Being washable is a huge plus.
AwayEmily says
I am a die-hard fan of Asics Onitsuka Tigers but I think that the very fact I wear them probably mean they are not cool.
anon4this says
Yesterday someone posted about being extroverted with introverted husband. I am introverted, and the rest of my family is fairly extroverted. I am so incredibly sick of being constantly surrounded by people. I am never alone in a room for long (it seems like the family gravitates to wherever I am at). Anyone else has this issue, has anything helped? Walks outside help, as does asking for space, as does staying up late to have time for myself, but it’s never quite enough.
Anonymous says
I do a lot of things that you mentioned but now that oldest kid is older, I’ve gotten into reading separate books at the same time as older kid with each of us sitting on one end of the couch and feet/legs touching in the middle. It’s not the same as 100% alone time. But it helps if I only have to physically engage instead of physically and mentally engage.
Try to be intentional about your alone time vs not planning it and just staying up way too late. Lack of sleep makes everything worse. schedule 15 min breaks and get your DH to support you by taking the kids. Sometimes you go for a walk and sometimes have him take the kids for a walk. Time alone in your own house in the daytime is golden. When I frame it as necessary for my mental health just like his running, it helped him understanding vs feeling like I didn’t want him around.
Anonymous says
No great advice, but I’m in the same boat. Preschooler is in full-time school so things are pretty normal on that front, but it’s really hard for me to be home all the time with my husband, even though we have a fairly large house and are usually in different rooms. My parents are renting a place near me in May and I’m going to use their apartment as an office when they’re not in town. If they weren’t getting a place here, I think I would have already rented office space by now. The “husband as co-worker” thing just does not work for me at all on a full-time basis, which is not a slam at my husband – it’s just my personality. (My office is permanently remote. If I were going back to the office post-vax I would probably have tried to hang in there since it’s hopefully only a few more months.)
Pogo says
SAME. I cannot stand husband as co-worker. Which is funny because we met at work!
Anon says
This is me with a barnacle toddler whose preschool is still closed (nearly an entire year I have been working fulltime with DD underfoot – I think the heavens are going to open when I go back to the office and can work uninterrupted for more than 30 minutes at a time). It is not uncommon, despite having a 2300 sq ft house, that DH and toddler are both in our 200 sq ft home office with me. I actually threw them both out the other day because I just needed to be alone. Walks outside help a lot. I send DH and toddler on car rides together at least once a week. And whoever goes to pick up takeout takes kiddo with them – when they go, I enjoy the solitude, and when I go, I can *almost* forget kiddo is in the backseat because she is so excited by the novelty of being out and looking around that she stops chattering a mile a minute. I sometimes get to cook dinner alone if I put on an engrossing show for DD and DH is upstairs doing laundry or puttering, which is nice. Noise cancelling headphones help too while working, because I hear them less. Once I am fully vaccinated (probably by mid-April given my first shot is next week), I will start going into the office 1-2 days a week I think, which I expect will help a lot.
Jeffiner says
My husband and I are both introverts, and we would be quite content with quarantine if we didn’t have an extroverted only-child. She’s 6, and when we first went into lockdown it was HARD for her. Her school is back in person now which is the only reason all 3 of us aren’t completely insane. My husband and I tend to take turns with her in the evenings and on weekends.
Anon says
Same, lockdown was ridiculously difficult with my extroverted only child even though she was only 2. Extroverted only child and introverted parents is a ROUGH combo in the pandemic.
anon says
I feel this to my core. Like you mentioned, walks and asking for space help. But part of me has just had to make peace with the fact that this particular need is not going to be fully met right now. When the weather is nice, I ask DH to take our kindergartener to the park for at least an hour so I can decompress. I also have scheduled a few vacation days for this spring. I am not going anywhere, but for my sanity’s sake, I need to feel like I can be in my house without being on parenting or work duty. DH is working from home so it’s not total freedom, but it helps some. Also, going for a long drive alone might be semi-relaxing. Pick up a fancy coffee, blare your music or listen to podcasts, or just enjoy SILENCE.
Pogo says
I am planning a night or two away at a fancy hotel to just order room service and enjoy silence.
octagon says
I get up early so I can have time for myself. Sometimes I exercise, but half the time I just curl up with a cup of hot coffee and a book.
I also explicitly ask DH to take kiddo out for a few hours from time to time. It’s been really hard in the winter with bad weather, but it’s improving. They will hit a drive-thru and have a car picnic at a new playground or something, and I get a few hours at home in blissful silence. (The key here is also telling DH to not text me unless it’s an absolute emergency — the first time he left he texted every 20 minutes or so with minor stuff and I thought I was going to lose it.)
Anonymous says
Can you lock a door? Take baths at night with the door locked.
I also have a bit of a controversial opinion on this issue (which isn’t uncommon). A lot of introverts complaining about never being alone even if their spouse is occupied by WFH etc…aren’t you around people in the office?? And people you don’t feel like chatting with may stop by anyways? So we’ve gone from working in open offices around dozens of people to being at home with like 4 other people and we can’t stand it? I’m obviously not including the hell that is distance learning.
Jeffiner says
I work in a team of engineers, which is an industry with a high number of introverts. Since we started WFH last March, our team has been KILLING it. Our productivity rates climbed each month of 2020. We’ve leveled off now, mostly because we ran out of work. I’ve heard managers say about 10% of their teams are struggling, but most engineers love WFH and dread the day the company tells us to come back.
Anon says
A lot of us didn’t work in open offices beforehand. In Before Times, I had one officemate but she was also an introvert, so we mostly kept our door closed and both used headphones so it was a silent environment and other than saying hello and goodbye we mostly (politely) ignored each other. So no, I was pretty much never standing around with dozens of people chit-chatting.
I also think there’s just something different about being home with someone you know and love vs a colleague. Most of the people who shared my office breakroom were strangers to me, and I didn’t feel guilty avoiding them if I wasn’t in the mood to talk. But I feel like a monster if my husband and I are in the kitchen at the same time and I ignore him. There’s something about having just ONE person around you ALL the time that is really hard for me. I actually find it easier to WFH when we have kiddo’s grandparents visiting because it doesn’t feel like as much forced closeness with my husband if I have three different people to potentially bump into (my mom and dad, plus husband). My husband also had a ridiculously loud voice and even when both my door and his are closed, I can hear him. I don’t have any work colleagues that are that loud!
CCLA says
This was far easier in pre-covid times, but I would take random weekdays off when DH was working and kids were at daycare, stay home, throw up a vague OOO message and have the house to myself. The amount of recharge I get from even about one day every other month is amazing…I’ll usually organize a closet with an audiobook or something. During early covid times before daycare reopened, I’d try to mimic this by (with full support of DH who knows I need this time) taking half of Saturday locked in the master suite doing whatever I felt like, whether watching light tv or once again reorganizing the closet…
Anon says
I am an extrovert (with an extrovert husband and two extroverted children) but still so incredibly sick of being constantly surrounded by the SAME people. We all need novel situations and new people to feed our energy, and when we’ve been together non-stop for the past 12 months, there’s not much “new” about anything in our house.
We carved out space in the house for each of us to be “alone” for FaceTimes or texting with friends/ family. If you have the space, I imagine something similar would work without the FaceTiming – declare the next two hours to be solo time, and retreat to various corners of the house. Enjoy the quiet, read a book, work on a hobby.
We also take turns with car field trips on the weekends – one parent will take the kids for a long drive to a distant park for some (socially distanced, masked) energy release, while the other parent gets a quite house for a while. The next day we switch.
Also we help the kids connect with grandparents to get some new interactions. We assigned the grandparents shows/movies to “watch” with the kids so they can discuss over FaceTime. So one grandparent watches 10am Wed morning Paw Patrol (via DVR after school for us) to discuss with my youngest, one grandparent watches a DCOM (Disney+ has a million) to discuss with my second grader, etc. The grandparents love their weekly “club” with the kids, and the kids love talking to someone else. (You would get the quiet while they watch their shows, plus the quiet during the call!)
Cb says
Not a major concern but something that’s been niggling at me…
My 3.5 year old is lovely and generally even keeled but when he gets upset, he hits himself in the head. It’s mostly because of something being too scary on television, we don’t watch scary things (Daniel Tiger, Superwings, Thomas, etc) but he’s easily frightened by the ominous music or even loud noises. Like he gets agitated and needs to self-soothe. He came home quite upset that the big boys were yelling and goofing off in the corridor and it was too noisy for him and he couldn’t escape. His teachers said he just seemed a bit shaken and needed a cuddle. I think he may have just gotten a bit more sensitive after a year mostly at home, but my husband did bring up sensory stuff. He’s super cheerful, eats and sleeps well, developmentally things seem on track, no aversions to anything, tantrums are infrequent and short lived. It’s just the hitting himself in the head which is really alarming. He’s super verbal but if you try and bring it up afterwards, he says he doesn’t want to talk about it.
Anonymous says
Don’t worry about it too much. It’s a stress reaction to feeling overwhelmed, needing a physical release for the tension and not being sure how to get the release. Being overwhelmed after not being at daycare regularly over the last year. It’s much noisier and more chaotic than a house with only two adults and one small child.
Try a small squishy stress ball. He could even keep it in his pants pocket at daycare. Just tell him it’s better if he doesn’t hit himself in the head because he might hurt himself and ask him to try and squeeze the stress ball instead.
Cb says
Thanks for that really kind response. The squishy ball is a great idea. I find that I’m not used to noise and crowds in the same way as before, so it’s understandable that he finds the same.
And I’m going to have a gripe at nursery about that corridor. I do think the big boys use it as a space to get into mischief away from the eyes of adults. Which… okay, but not if they are bothering the smaller kids.
Anonymous says
It’s pretty normal for kids to hit themselves when they’re overwhelmed. I think Janet Lansbury has some stuff about it. He sounds like a delightful kid.
Anonymous says
I think it’s not uncommon but is something to watch. Your husband is right it is a sensory thing in that he’s responding to sensory overload. It sounds like maybe your husband is suggesting viewing this as a sign of autism which is understandable for him, but lots of neurologically typical children have some sensory issues they grow into and out of.
Cb says
Thanks, yes, I think it’s something we’re both sensitive to because of my husband’s diagnosis. He displays no other “typical” signs of autism so I’m not generally worried. I was a terrible hair chewer as a kid, and rubbed my hand raw when stressed as a teen, so I can see the soothing element.
katy says
Based on behavior of both an autistic and non-autistic nephew (in separate families): both of them have done pretty much this exact thing and both have some sensory issues (to this day at 8 and 9 respectively).
The behavior you are describing sounds a lot more like the one without a diagnosis, in that his tantrums are “manageable” and he is otherwise developmentally doing great. Obviously this is anecdotal evidence.
Anon says
What he’s doing sounds similar to things that are sometimes addressed with pressure (like a weighed blanket or a hug). You might teach him to take a deep breath and give himself a squeeze/hug if that pressure feeling seems to calm him.
Anonymous says
My 20-month old has started sleeping later in the mornings, such that I need to wake him up to get him ready for daycare. Should we be putting him to bed earlier? He’s usually down around 7:30 pm and had been waking up on his own around 7 am, but in the last week he’s been still asleep until 8 when I need to wake him up. He usually naps between 1:30 and 2 hours at school. I also think he might be starting to get his 2-year molars in, so that might be related. Any suggestions?
Anonymous says
Yeah, teething always caused my kid to sleep in and need more sleep in general. I think you should try putting him to bed a bit earlier if it’s feasible for your family, maybe 7? Until my daughter was 2 she slept 13+ hours at night and napped for ~2 hours at school, so some kids really just do need a lot of sleep.
Pogo says
I’d move bedtime earlier, mostly because we’re staring down daylight savings and 7am will become 8am and that will not work.
So Anon says
My 10 year old son has never been a great sleeper. After raising this issue repeatedly, my 10 year old son finally has his sleep study this Thursday at the local medical center. Has anyone taken their child for a sleep study and can give me a primer on what to expect?
Anonymous says
I’ve done it- my kid was not quite 4. It’s easy.
They keep the kids up late and wire them (literally). It’s stickers and wires (electrodes) places all over the head and chest. My kid watched Frozen while this happened.
They stick a nasal cannula in and wish you goodnight. Kid eventually falls asleep. They wake you up around 6am to take everything off.
I slept in the room with my daughter – they rolled in a gurney for me. Not sure if that makes sense for you guys (Idk how a 10 year old would feel in either direction). When she pulled the cannula out they came and stuck it back in.
It really wasn’t bad. My kid is super high strung and doesn’t do well straying from routine but really did OK! I was surprised how early they woke us up. Other than that it was super easy.
Anon says
I did it with a special needs teenage child. Just to be reassuring, it went exactly the same as the other commenter described. I wasn’t able to sleep much on the uncomfortable lounge chair they gave me, so I recommend planning to take the next day off from work if feasible just because you might be sleep deprived.
Anonymous says
Has anyone done ABA therapy for a kid on the autism spectrum? Our local center says kids go from 15-40 hours a week. I am freaking out a bit. Kid is late-identified and school aged. With the pandemic closing schools, I am concerned re missing even more school time now that schools are on a hynbrid reopening plan. And I have a job. I have had one brief call as we do what seems to be a long on boarding with insurance. Our kid was late identified probably because she is a girl and probably because she does OK academically (and isn’t disruptive) and partially because our first pediatrician was just not really on the ball with what now seem obvious warning signs needing follow-up. I want this for my kid but also terrified that it will jeopardize my job and put my kid further academically behind (even if we are only needing what is their minimum level of service).
Anonymous says
Step by step! Figure out how much time is needed, work with your school on it, you will work it out without disaster
So Anon says
My son is autistic and was diagnosed in 2nd grade. He receives no in class support because he does great academically. My son goes to OT every week at a center that is 30-45 minutes each way from our house. It is a huge time commitment, and it has been the best thing for him. They help work on his fine and gross motor skills, learn emotional regulation skills and social interactions. We schedule it on a day where he is not in school (hybrid learning). I take my laptop and work from the car (I can’t go in to the center due to COVID). It is really tough to balance work and making sure he attends all of his appointments.
Regarding ABA therapy specifically – I am not coming from a place of judgment – I was an ABA therapist in college. I would encourage you to look at the way autistic adults speak about ABA therapy before deciding if it is appropriate for your family. Explore websites like neurodivergent rebel (under the resources tab, there is info about ABA therapy), autism level up, and #askingautistics. In short, it is widely discouraged among autistic adults.
Anonymous says
Interesting — given your background, do you think they don’t like it because it forces them out of a comfort zone and makes them act more neurotypical when they aren’t? Is it more “this was unpleasant” or more “this was harmful / traumatizing)? And do you think that it is universally seen as bad (like sending Native American children to boarding schools) or just disliked by some?
I will say that after seeing my kid punched and tormented at school, I can see how not doing something that helps her live in a world of neurotypicals has been for her. If it’s helpful and unpleasant, I’d still consider it (physical therapy for clubfoot and some other issues I’ve had was unpleasant, but necessary, had my preferences governed, that would have been bad).
Anonymous says
From the outside, yes this is something now universally seen as bad on the scale of the boarding schools.
Anonymous says
Maybe the situation in US boarding schools for Native Americans was much better than it was at residential schools in Canada or Australia. But if it was the same, it is not even remotely accurate to compare ABA to what happened to Indigenous people. ABA therapists did not forcibly remove children from their homes and prohibit contact with their parents. ABA therapists are not out there raping autistic kids and leaving them outside to die of exposure or beating them or denying them food because they made a mistake.
So Anon says
I am not autistic and cannot speak on behalf of that community. From my experience, ABA therapy is training a response (do X or do not do X) to a given stimuli (a request, a feeling, a scenario). That is one thing, but the goal of ABA is to make the neuro-atypical child the same as their neurotypical peers. That is the piece that I, as a parent, am not ok with. My autistic child is different because he is differently wired, and I do not want to force him to assimilate into neurotypical culture or to act and behave in ways just to make others feel comfortable. Just as we would not ask others who are different from us in profound, unique and wonderful ways to become like us, we should not make that ask of autistics. (Think of the “americanization” of certain names, being urged to speak in certain ways, use a specific bathroom because the one that you want to use makes others uncomfortable.)
I am so sorry that your child has been bullied at school. Ask, though, whether it is that she needs to change to “fit in” or that the behaviour of other children needs to be addressed. I am fine with putting my son is stressful situations in order to grow as a person, but I am not going to ask him to change who he is as a person in order to be more widely accepted by society. I am avidly researching, reading and listening to the adult autistics that I can find so that it will help me help my son.
Anonymous says
You should also be cognizant of the fact that the online autistic community tends more anti-ABA than the autistic community as a whole. Many people for whom ABA worked as a coping strategy are out living their lives and not posting online. I absolutely acknowledge that it does not work for everyone and may have been presented as ‘fixing’ people which is obviously offensive and harmful but it also works well for many people. Two of my cousins (brothers) are autistic and they are pretty eyerolly about the parts of the online community that are ardently anti-ABA for everyone. Like any disability or issue, it’s rarely black and white – there are many shades of grey on what works for people.
My aunt and uncle never couched ABA as ‘fixing them’, it was presented as learning skills to cope in the neurotypical world. Like a deaf person learning to read lips in addition to ASL. They recognized that the world has many years to go before there is better acceptance of neurodiversity and wanted to equip them to function how things are, not only in an ideal scenario. Both are able to hold jobs and attend many outings with peers organized by the local autism society.
Anon says
Whoaaaa this attitude (” Many people for whom ABA worked as a coping strategy are out living their lives and not posting online”) is pretty offensive! I’m not autistic but I have a chronic disease and spend a fair amount in disease-specific online communities. It’s not because I’m not “out there living my life”, it’s because the online community is a source of support and encouragement. Much like this forum. I think it’s pretty weird to imply that online communities for a specific issue are populated with people who are housebound or lack the coping strategies for normal life!
Anon says
+1 to 12:12. ABA is kind of a loose term for behavioral therapy and practitioners use different approaches. It’s not all conditioning like Pavlov’s dog.
Anonymous says
Overreact much? I’m not saying they are never online but if you read blogs about how ABA is awful and doesn’t work you’re going to get a pretty biased sample. There are plenty of people that it works for.
Anon says
We shouldn’t invalidate the experiences of autistic people who got hurt by ABA, but do we have to invalidate people who feel it helped them? Do we not take their word that they benefited, just because others had a negative experience?
Anon Lawyer says
Anon at 12:36 – I don’t think anyone said that those voices should be invalidated. I think links to stories from people who were helped by it would be useful to a lot of people. I do think as a parent looking to place your child in therapy, a 50/50 (or whatever) chance that it will be seen as abusive when their adults is not great even if it means 50 percent of people found it helpful. So tips on finding providers and therapies that don’t carry that risk, even if they all use the umbrella label “ABA,” would be very helpful too.
Anonymous says
https://www.spectrumnews.org/features/deep-dive/controversy-autisms-common-therapy/
Anonymous says
You really should research the critiques.
Anonymous says
OP here. I’ve read some of that and it reminded me of how in the deaf community, some people really oppose cochlear implants as it defeats (I am going to botch how this comes out, apologies in advance) deaf culture and pulls people into a hearing world (or something similar) and there can be a lot of tension when we generally see hearing as a good thing (or functioning in a world of typically-wired people). I know my kid is sweet and bright and yet I know she’d never get a job if it involved something like a lunch interview (she often chews with her mouth open still and cannot socially manage things, and I feel like all of our mealtimes are sort of occupational therapy and sort of me observing and sort of noticing how she may get asked to leave some activities because she either wanders off from the group or can be disuptive (with questions, not with anything violent) or just over time cannot maintain social relationships she wants to keep. She is frustrated and I am not equipped to help her.
Anonymous says
The fact that your child chews with her mouth open now doesn’t mean she won’t get a job that involves a lunch interview when she’s 25 or whatever. A lot of kids (some neurotypical, some high-functioning ASD) are kind of late bloomers on social stuff and tend to “get” that stuff later than average, but mostly grow into functional adults. School career services offices also help with stuff – they gave me a lot of coaching on making eye contact, which is not something that comes naturally to me. Not saying your child wouldn’t benefit from some support, but also I think catastrophizing about how she’s not going to get a job because she can’t ace a lunch interview now (as a preteen/young teen, no?) doesn’t help anyone.
Anonymous says
It’s not catastrophizing, but something that is routinely where she stumbles (she gets invited to kids houses often once and very rarely twice), so she doesn’t have the insight to understand this and doesn’t have a lot of impulse control.
I don’t want to change who she is. I want her to understand how to act with people if she doesn’t want to alienate them (like, do not ask a larger person “why are you fat” because it really, really alienates people even though you are curious and didn’t mean to insult them — the damage is done; ditto don’t ask divorced people why they are divorced). Like if she could have a filter and a sense of “when I eat with others, I do ABC and when I am at home eating a snack by myself I can do XYZ”. That sort of thing. Subtleties elude her.
Anonymous says
If I were the parent of a deaf child eligible for cochlear implants, I’d get them and also expose her to ASL and Deaf culture. I don’t see cochlear implants as automatically taking anything away from an individual child, just adding options and experiences. ABA is different because it uses operant conditioning to train away behaviors. It is taking something away instead of just adding. Of course as a parent you want your child to be able to function in society and live an independent life, but there has to be a better way to achieve that goal.
Anonymous says
Can you help me understand what that would look like? An OT who is just very kind/patient and willing to spend a lot of hours a week on skills? I am hearing you and yet feeling like I am a bit mushy on why this is so bad (and so I also can’t clearly see what a better option would look like). A PT nanny who is really skilled in developing interpersonal skills?
[An undercurrent is just to let neurotypical kids be as they are, but this has resulted in a kid who is at times picked on without mercy (not her fault, yet the school can’t fix this, and even with a reset after this year, there is no guarantee that we won’t be in that boat again) and is so miserable she cries for hours ever night. I feel like with some coaching she’d be able to function better in any group setting but clearly do not want to get her there through abuse.]
Our pediatrician said “ABA is the standard accepted therapy for aspergers.” Is it more like conversion therapy for people who are gay? Shades of gray? I am just a layperson and really rely on experts, so IDK how I’d really persuade the ped that she is wrong (but I would maybe have some questions for the ABA people and would probably be an observer not hesitant to fire them should I really have concerns.
Anon says
Can you find out if there is a good social skills group in your area?
So Anon says
A few hours, or even one hour a week, in OT where they are focused on social interaction could absolutely assist in the social arena. Our OTs are trained in this arena, and it is a major focus of my son’s OT. It is not about using operant conditioning to cease his stimming behaviours, it is learning to take a breath and pause before saying an observation about someone out loud. It is learning that while it is fun for you to destroy another person’s world on minecraft, it may make that person feel bad (i.e. not be the destroyer of fun). Also, social skills groups can be great, and can be found through a school or local group.
I would be very skeptical of a pediatrician who told me that ABA was the standard therapy for aspergers because (1) asperger’s is no longer a diagnosis, (2) the name has truly horrendous roots, (3) the statement reflects that there is something inherently wrong with being autistic, and (4) general acceptance of ABA therapy.
Anonymous says
Do you want a kid who is trained to act “normal” by rote, or a kid who understands how she is different from others and why it is important to act in a certain way if you want a certain result?
Anonymous says
OP here again — we have no social skills groups now b/c of the pandemic, so that is out at least for this calendar year probably. We tried one before the pandemic and I was actually worried that my kid would regress. A big problem was that before the group, the kids ran wild in the parking lot (which my kid wanted to join in), which was a disaster waiting to happen at evening rush hour and sometimes in darkness. The center begged parents to stop gathering early and to remain in cars, to no avail (so: parents who were not compliant, kids with issues and bad habits, not sure it helped my kid make progress). If we tried again later, it might need to be in an all-girl group (which is hard to find with an ASD-1 diagnosis (which people still call Asperger’s, even though we all know it is not in the DSM — it is shorthand for where on the spectrum a kid is that people get; many people have not heard of ASD-1 but get Asperger’s).
At any rate, I still don’t quite get WHY ASD is abusive (the time is intense — would it not be abusive if it were merely 1-2 hours a week?) and what, exactly (and I feel like exact guidance is what I need), would be better. Help, pls.
I also get that ABA may actually work for some people (like some people find intense sports training abusive and some intense sports training actually is abusive and yet not every one is abused and not everyone finds intensity to be bad). And I get that negative message boards are probably going to self-select a bit in who posts there (and people that ABA benefitted aren’t likely to be busy posting on a board about it, but busy doing other things). I guess with a verbal older kid I can observe on my own and also she will be able to tell me how she feels in the moment (different than, say, a 3YO who is not verbal who may not have a lot of ability to express feelings and may have lots of meltdowns generally), so we will probably at least try, but with my job and her school, it may be minimal until school lets out for the summer and maybe by then we will no if more time is good, quitting is good, or there are some third or fourth things that may work better for her.
So Anon says
OP -Please check out the following resources:
Ted Talk: Compliance is not the goal: Letting go of control and rethinking support for autistic individuals
https://www.speakforyourself.org/uncategorized/accept-behavior-towards-non-autistic-child/
https://theautisticadvocate.com/2017/11/safe-places-online-for-parents-of-autistic-children-to-learn-about-autism/
https://neuroclastic.com/?s=aba&submit=Search
Anonymous says
Sports mom here. I don’t think the sports analogy applies. Abusive training is abusive, even if you don’t call it that. There is training that some people call abusive and some people call tough, but if you ask athletes and parents even those who support it will give examples of how it is harmful even if they don’t admit that they’ve been harmed. On the other hand, intense training with positive coaching is challenging but not harmful. This type of training is not for everyone, but no one would call it abusive.
So Anon says
OP – I have links in moderation. I want to encourage you to explore the resources and voices of those who are actually autistic. I know and understand, first hand, the weight of exploring the possibilities and trying to understand. You don’t have to figure this out today, but start exploring. Also, gently, I want to challenge why it is important that you use the asperger’s label. I used it for a long time with my son because I felt the need to justify (proclaim?) for myself and for others, that he was pretty close to “normal” or just a little quirky. It was something I needed to make myself feel more sure about things and comfortable. Same with “ASD” which stands for “Autism Spectrum Disorder;” it is not a disorder – it is a different way of being human. Just like we wouldn’t label those who are trans/gay/black/latino as having a disorder, neither is autism.
ABA is abusive because it conditions behavior on rewards and treats. It teaches a child to behave in a certain way – generally in a way that is viewed as “normal” – to earn a reward. E.g. “now look the new person in the eye, shake their hand and say ‘nice to meet you.'” Child does as scripted. Child earns reward. Meanwhile, child’s system is utterly overwhelmed by the eye contact, which feels invasive, and the shaking of the hand, which was tight and personal. Child did as requested, learned social norm, but did not learn to respect child’s own needs and boundaries. Instead, child could be taught to say hello without the need for eye contact and without the need to touch hands.
Anon says
Curious because you have a girl, what were your warning signs?
Re job, I am limping by at my job right now. I know a lot of people are. I’d look into what’s going to be a good path for kid and let the job stuff move around it and hope it falls into place. I think the pandemic has created a lot of flexibility and also a lot of underperformance, truthfully. Hopefully that will work in your favor!
Anonymous says
To start with, avoiding eye contact. Having a very large vocabulary but limited interpersonal skills. Running around randomly as if burning off nervous energy. Not being able to stay on a carpet for stories (like in a “seriously diverting teacher attention from the class on a daily basis” sort of way and not in a defiant way but a wandering aimlessly away as if unaware of the group).
My friend who is a PT who works with kids on the spectrum and another therapist we know say they can tell in a minute (so why couldn’t our pediatrician???).
Anonymous says
Sounds like a starting place would be to find a new pediatrician.
Anonymous says
OP said that she had found a new pediatrician; her kid’s prior one missed the diagnosis.
Anon says
I did it, but the services were provided in my home. Do you actually need to be there for all the hours?
I have mixed feelings about ABA. If you have a good BCBA, that person can really add a lot of value. The paras can be hit or miss – ideally they just carry out the programs that the BCBA designs, but like anything, some are better than others. I am not anti-ABA, but I will say that some of the companies providing services see it as a cash cow if your insurance covers it. I loooved my son’s BCBA, who really understood human behavior, but I don’t agree with the ABA premise that it is scientific. The BCBAs believe that it will always work if the parents carry out the programs properly, and since you can’t possibly carry it out properly 100% of the time, parent error is their explanation when results aren’t perfect. Sigh.
If insurance pays, you can try it and see how it goes. I don’t think I’d pay out of pocket no matter what. There are too many variables that can cause it not to succeed. Have realistic expectations.
Anon says
Forgot to add, the 15-40 hours per week should not come out of school time. If anyone is even doing 40, that would be like 16 hours on the weekend and 20 during the school week. As others pointed out, you would almost definitely be doing less, like 4 hours after school 4-5x per week.
Anon Lawyer says
Even that sounds really horrific. Imagine someone trying to condition YOU out of a behavior 4-5 hours a day.
Anonymous says
IDK — I have seen some kids who are ASD-3 who need 40+ hours of parental attention weekly, no preschool is really equipped to take them, and every moment can be a struggle. So 40 hours of work on skills doesn’t seem wrong at an age where everything is basically OT (even for a “normal” kid — eating with utensils, cleaning up toys, listening, toileting).
Anon Lawyer says
Yeah, but the comment I was responding to said four hours a day after school 4-5 days a week for a school age kid.
Anonymous says
It’s highly unlikely that she would need the 40hrs a week. One of the lawyers I work with has a high functioning autistic son who was diagnosed in grade 1 (initial ADHD diagnosis in K). She works 7-3pm so she can pick him up from school and supervise his ABA therapy from 3:30-5pm everyday. The agency that provides the therapy requires a parent or caregiver present in the home. We have a pretty family friendly work culture so she isn’t penalized in anyway for this. I suspect she’s able to catch up on somethings while he’s having his therapy as well because she just has to be home, not necessarily in the room with the therapist.
If you currently have your daughter in an after school program, maybe switch to an after school nanny if you can’t arrange for the time change?
Anonymous says
May i ask what the early warning signs are/were? I have concerns about one of my daughters but I don’t know it’s undiagnosed autism or something else. Also young school age.
Anon says
I have no idea if this would be useful to you but we had good luck with a therapist trained in the Social Thinking methodology who helped our son with much milder versions of what I think you’re describing. They have a directory of providers on their website socialthinking . com. Maybe an alternative to explore?
Intercom/baby monitor solution? says
Hi – so we’re moving into a small house where our two young girls (ages 2 and 4.5) will share an attic bedroom and ours will be right by the stairs on the ground floor (i.e. one flight away). I know that arrangement is not for everyone, but it’s what we think will work best for us. BUT, I want to make sure: (1) our baby monitor is absolutely reliable (our current video one cuts out every so often) and (2) if our 4.5 year old needs to pee but is scared to go down the stairs alone to get us she can speak into something to call for us, ideally in a way that isn’t sure to wake her sister. Any suggestions? There is an outlet in the landing area before the bedroom near the stairs so something could be both in and out of their room. Any personal experience on what works for you?
Friday says
Gently, I think you might be overthinking this. We live in a 3500 sq foot house. Kiddo’s bedroom is upstairs (master is down) and on the opposite side of the house. We keep our doors closed at night (fire safety) and I have always heard him when he calls out to me. A monitor should be plenty of reassurance. You could also try walkie talkies?
AwayEmily says
You could also put a little potty in her room until she feels more comfortable going to the bathroom on her own. That’s what we do and we don’t even have a set of stairs to navigate — I just hate being woken up in the middle of the night.
AnonATL says
We have the Motorola LUX64CONNECT monitor. It has a phone app and a handheld monitor. We have used both the app and monitor out in the backyard while baby was napping upstairs inside with no issue. The app drains my battery a bit, but it’s convenient. You can also speak to the kid through it. I know some people don’t love wifi monitors for security reasons.
Spirograph says
I agree you’re overthinking. This is our bedroom arrangement as well — kids all share an upstairs bedroom, our bedroom (and the bathroom) is at the bottom of the stairs. It has never been an issue at all. My 4.5 year old just walks down the stairs and wakes me up when he needs to pee. It’s super annoying, because it’s strictly informative and he doesn’t actually need help. If he wants something and doesn’t want to get out of bed, he would not whisper into a baby monitor or a walkie-talkie, he lies in his bed and yells MAMAAAAAAAA until I come up. Luckily my kids sleep like logs and this has never woken up either of his siblings.
That said, I was never a video monitor person and stopped audio monitors around a year because there was nowhere in the house where I couldn’t hear amount of noise they could generate. If *you* are uncomfortable not being able to see and hear your kids, have at it. But I want to reassure you the kids most likely will not care a bit.
ElisaR says
We recently got a new king size adjustable bed. Each side of the bed is adjustable separately. I’m not loving it but my husband recently had surgery and it helps him to adjust his body in various positions at night. My question is: sheets. I have been using my regular king sheets on it. I saw online they suggest separate twin XL fitted sheets which sounds like a real pain to change. Does anybody have a similar bed set up and do you use regular king mattress pad and/or sheets or twin?
Anonymous says
I don’t know how it would even work with a single fitted sheet, unless you adjusted both sides to the same position.
ElisaR says
I guess my sheets are a little bit baggy. They seem stressed/taut when one side is up and aren’t staying on quite as well as they used to. I’m expecting they might not last as long with this set up.
octagon says
My parents had a bed like this and they had separate twin fitted sheets and a single king flat sheet. It worked well.
Katala says
Yeah, you need to do separate fitted sheets. XL twin fits exactly if you have a standard king (if it’s a Cal King they will sort of fit or you can buy special sheets). My parents had this set up and I don’t recall them having much issue changing the sheets. You have to kneel on the bed to get the inside corners, I guess, but it wasn’t that hard? You’ll be less bothered by his change of positions with the separate sheets. FWIW, DH and I got a one-piece adjustable king and it’s fine mostly because he doesn’t complain no matter what I do with it, but I do wonder if we should have done the split.
ElisaR says
thank you. can you tell i hate changing out my sheets?
Gift basket suggestion? says
My best friend had a baby (her 2nd, and I’m a mom of 2) and I’d love to send her and her husband a good gift basket of snacks/treats. I’m not loving what Harry & David have, any suggestions? She will not be breastfeeding so no need for the one handed snacks, although I guess those are nice anytime.
Realist says
Look at having a local grocery store or gourmet shop deliver to her.
Pogo says
+1 my friends actually just did a giant whole foods order for me. They got me all kinds of snacks/granola bars/dried fruit, plus some frozen meals and then just fun stuff like cupcakes and chocolate covered pretzels. It made me so happy. And I legit loved all of the food and ate it in the immediate PP weeks.
Anonymous says
This is a good idea thanks. She’s in a rural area so no Whole Foods or gourmet grocery…I may be able to do wegmans.
Realist says
Wegmans will be perfect!
Realist says
This is exactly what I did for my friend’s pandemic baby and she and her DH also loved it. I got a bunch of easy to eat snacks and some healthy and savory options for quick meals, plus a few indulgent treats.
ElisaR says
spoonful of comfort is nice. i received a bunch of stuff from honey baked ham company as a gift and i still dream about the cheesecake.
Friday says
IVF – I should just do it, right? I’m 35, nulliparous, have a 4 year old adopted son, would love to adopt again but for reasons I don’t want to discuss here, it’s probably not going to happen. Anyway, DH has started asking me if I’d be interested in IVF. Would love to hear your thoughts, pros/cons. We can afford it, have tried literally everything else (six rounds IUI, clomid, endo surgery, the works).
Anon Lawyer says
I did five IUIs and then IVF (which worked luckily). Honestly, for me, it was emotionally grueling but in some ways less so than IUI since it was a shorter period. Those 5 IUIs (which stretched out over like 10 months due to various holdups )kind of broke me – IVF, on the other hand, had discrete waiting periods with a lot of info at each stage. During the stims you get regular ultrasounds; you have 3-5 days to see how the embryos grow; 1-2 weeks to wait for results if you do PGS testing, etc. I felt much more in control in some ways.
Physically, it was fine for me. I felt like a pin cushion at the end but reacted fine to the hormones. Anecdotally I have heard a lot of women tolerate the stims better than clomid. It’s definitely an emotional decision more than a logical one in many ways, but I think it generally can make a lot of sense.
So I guess I’d say that yeah, since it doesn’t sound like you’re dead set against it, it probably makes sense to try it!
AnonIVF says
I did IVF – we skipped straight to IVF with ICSI because we were not candidates for IUI (reason for IVF was physical blockage). We did 5 retrieval cycles (with PGS testing) and, after completing retrievals, have now done 2 unmedicated transfer cycles (the second of which resulted in our daughter). We hope to have at least 1, possible 2, more children, and statistically speaking we should have enough PGS-tested embryos banked to be able to complete our family.
Things you should know about IVF (some of which you may know already):
– It’s expensive. Ours was roughly 40K out of pocket and insurance covered probably another 45K. This is for 5 rounds of retrievals and 2 transfer cycles. And this is definitely on the low end because 1) I respond to meds very well/quickly so only stimmed 6-7 days per retrieval cycle, and 2) we did unmedicated transfers.
– SO MUCH is out of your control.
– You can have a retrieval cycle where you have all PGS-abnormal embryos. Two of our five cycles were like that.
– You may have a lot of side effects from the medications, or you may have none/almost none. I was lucky and fell into the latter camp but you have no idea which card you’re dealt.
– It doesn’t work for everyone. Not everyone gets a baby at the end of all of the time, money, physical and emotional effort.
– We were fortunate to have had our successful transfer in January 2020, but most fertility clinics shut down in March and opened to some capacity mid-to-late summer, with spaced out appointments and reduced accessibility. So things might take longer now than they did pre-Covid just b/c of capacity issues.
OP says
Thank you. It’s not funny I guess, but most of this applies to fostering: totally out of your control, you may not end up with a kid, even then you have no idea what you’re getting. I hadn’t considered covid precautions delaying a timeline but that’s a good point. I’m to the point where I’m tired of waiting but such is life.
anonymous says
There is a YouTube channel where the person has documented their IVF journey – leighannsays
Pogo says
I had a pretty great experience with IVF but will offer some counterpoints to the above:
1) I had done closely monitored clomid cycles and it was pretty clear I didn’t ovulate, even with a trigger.
2) Our insurance covered nearly everything, and didn’t require we do a certain number of IUI’s first, so we skipped straight to IVF per the RE who said an IUI would not help in our case.
3) I was young-ish at the time of my retrieval (30) and froze my embryos right away. I got plenty of embryos and did not have reason to believe there were any chromosomal issues, so we never opted to do PGS. Since I got so many and we froze them all, I only needed 1 retrieval cycle.
That said, it was still emotional… and I feel like I had it ‘easy’. At the end of the day, I have my two children who I am so so thankful for and I don’t regret it for a minute.
OP says
I guess the emotional part is what I dread most: I’m accustomed to my monthly cycle of being hopeful, then in my heart knowing it didn’t take but being in denial while I wait, then getting my period and spending two days mourning, repeat ad nauseum. What I don’t know is if I can handle all that (and pay for it) while having my hormones elevated and parenting a four year old. Thanks for your thoughts as always, Pogo.
AnonTO says
We did one egg retrieval which resulted in 6 embryos, PGS tested them, and ended up with 2 “normal” embryos. First transfer resulted in a healthy boy, and I am currently 31 weeks pregnant with our second embryo (a girl). We were extremely lucky in the sense that both transfers worked and we only needed one retrieval, which might be colouring my experience as “not that bad”. However, in general I will say that the whole process was much less terrible than I geared myself up for. We had done 6 IUIs before trying IVF, and I didn’t find IVF any more emotionally difficult. If anything, I felt like we were finally on a path that was more likely to result in a baby and we both wished we had just jumped to IVF sooner. Agree with the comment below that the “discrete periods” of IVF were easier to deal with than never-ending months of IUIs.
Giving myself the shots was also no big deal at all, and I didn’t have bad side effects. The actual mechanics of IVF were not bad at all, especially if you know the drill from IUIs.
My one piece of advice would be to consider the PGS testing even if you don’t have a “reason” to. Only 2/6 of our embryos were “normal” and we could have had a lot of heartache (and wasted money on transfers) if we didn’t figure that out before starting our transfers.
AnonIVF says
I agree with this. Across our 5 retrievals, 44% of our embryos were normal. And that was statistically high for my age (39). It would have been a lot of heartwrenching and time-consuming failed transfers if we hadn’t tested.
Anonymous says
I found that you have to be emotionally ready for IVF. I wasn’t at first, so we tried 3 rounds of IUI (my doctor was willing to go straight to IVF but I resisted). But after that didn’t work, I was ready.
I will say that it was hard, the feeling of being tethered to home so you can have your shots and not knowing your schedule beforehand. But in covid times, maybe it’s not so bad? Also, I had my husband give me all the shots – not bc I couldn’t but bc I needed him to be as involved as possible. We did two rounds, PGS-tested our embryos and ended up with 3 normal. Good luck! Each person’s experience can be so different, so it’s hard to tell you the pros and cons. We were lucky that it worked out for us, and I hope the same for you.
SC says
I don’t want to threadjack the post above, but for those who discourage ABAs, does your opinion change if the neuro-atypical child is violent? My son is almost 6. We’ve been doing OT, individual therapy, and group therapy since he turned 3. We started medication when he was 4. He still kicks, hits, punches, and/or throws chairs when he’s really upset. He’s still struggling with emotional regulation.
Several of the therapists we work with have suggested ABA therapy, particularly in the classroom. We were on two wait lists, but then those companies weren’t providing in-person services this year. He was doing a lot better in his special-education classroom, but it’s always 2 steps forward, 1 step back, and we’re in a 1-step-back phase.
I’ll admit that I’m prone to catastrophizing. I’m not worried about whether he can swing a lunch interview. I’m worried that he’ll be arrested and/or harmed by police as a teenager. I’m worried that he’ll be violent toward a spouse or child as an adult. When we started therapy, we got a lot of, “Don’t worry, early intervention works, it’s a good thing we’re not dealing with this at 6/8/10.” Early intervention has helped a lot! But he’s turning 6 next month, and it’s pretty clear that he’s not just outgrowing it.
Anonymous says
I don’t have experience but I don’t think your worries are unfounded. I knew/was sort of friends with a boy like this growing up. If he got a bad score on a test the teacher had us all leave the room as he would throw chairs (in middle school). In high school he se*sully assaulted one of my best friends IN SCHOOL.
Anonymous says
The Atlantic had a good nuanced article a couple of years ago which explains the problematic origins of ABA, how it works quite well for some and how others have had negative experiences. It references a couple of the leading centers on autism and it might be worthwhile checking out what those researchers are recommending now. https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2016/08/aba-autism-controversy/495272/
In your situation, it does sound like ABA – at least to address the violence may be needed. You need to get a handle on the violence now because once he is bigger, he can really hurt himself, you or others.
Anon says
i think you need to ask the therapists about their approach, how they address that particular behavior, etc. i helped a friend who was overwhelmed when her kid was diagnosed with some research and we learned that there are some therapists who might be draw on ideas from ABA methodologies, but don’t necessarily view their role or goal as to make the child the same as their neurotypical peers.
this is not the best analogy, but the way in the parenting community there are people who say you aren’t really doing baby lead weening if you ever feed your child a puree or feed them from a spoon, etc., there are some ABA trained therapists who incorporate other methodologies. and not everything has to be so black and white
Anonymous says
+1
Anon says
i’m the Anon at 1:10 and I also just wanted to add, that i am very sorry you are dealing with this. it must be very very hard as a parent, so hugs to you and your family
Anonymous says
UW has a good video which explains how to look for an ABA provider who will be a good fit and the range of what ABA can actually mean. – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DbzAfch8-aM
SC says
Thanks, everyone! I’m motivated to ask our therapists about ABA-like options. Hopefully, we can get on some wait lists and get services next school year.
Anonymous says
I would avoid waiting until the fall if at all possible. 6 months is a long long time for the under 10 age group. Can you pay privately to receive services sooner? One advantage of covid is that many more services are available online so if waitlists are long in your area maybe you can find online services elsewhere. If you are still having issues with violence, I would not wait. Even if therapists cannot do home visits, they can coach you through some strategies to try to improve the situation (and they may still do masked visits depending on how bad covid is in your area).
SC says
Any services would be private pay. We can go through school evaluation and get ABA services from the public school system, but they would be sporadic at best, if he qualified. They’d be covered by our insurance if we can get an autism diagnosis or some kind of special exception. Kiddo was evaluated for autism when he was 3, and the therapist scored him really low for autism in the one-on-one evaluation, but there were and are a LOT of behaviors specifically in a group setting that look like ASD.
Pre-pandemic, wait lists for private ABA services were about 1 year long. We were on 2 wait lists starting in the fall of 2019, and we had a meeting scheduled with one company for the Monday after schools shut down. We reached out last summer after the school situation was becoming clearer. Both companies had decided not to operate in schools this year. It’s understandable, given Covid risks, their relatively low pay, and the fact that they’re likely to be women with children at home. I don’t know if we’re still technically on their wait lists, or if the companies even exist anymore. I’d have to go back to our sources to see who else is operating right now. Honestly, six months is optimistic.
We are already doing virtual therapy one day a week. They work on emotional regulation, social skills, etc., to the extent possible. There are also sessions where the therapist coaches my husband on parenting strategies. They’ve been doing this weekly since March. That therapist has said that the way he’ll make the most progress on the school issues is having someone at his shoulder in school.
529 question says
Question RE: 529 plans, the post the other day made me realize that I’ve been missing an opportunity to get a tax deduction on my two kids’ 529 if we used our state’s plan (LA). I was going to set up an new LA state 529 for them both, but I’m not sure I understand. Should I leave their current 529s (with Fidelity) in place and just start new LA 529s and move my contributions to the new account? We can only afford to contribute about 150 a month for each and that adds up almost to the cap in tax benefits, so it wouldn’t make sense to contribute to the Fidelity 529 and the LA state 529. Do we just stop contributing the Fidelity managed one and only contribute to the LA state one (not likely we’ll live here forever). Thanks!
Spirograph says
I’m not a financial planner and this might be a good question to ask a fee-based one for some quick and more-expert advice. But I think the answer depends on what your investment options are in each account, particularly with respect to fees. I’m not familiar with the LA plan, but before you divert from your existing 529, make sure that any investment fees don’t offset the tax advantage.
Pogo says
We have two accounts – one in our home state (for tax benefit) and one in Nevada, I believe (probably because it was Vanguard and had low fees and lots of options? I forget…). There’s no reason you can’t have multiples.
Anon says
My husband and I just got leftover Moderna doses from Walmart! It’s definitely worth getting on the waiting lists there if you can. They told me they prioritize people over 50 but they didn’t have anyone over 50 that answered their phone today so hubs and I won the vaccine lottery.
Anonymous says
How do you get on pharmacy waiting lists for leftover vaccines? In our state, you can only pre-register with the state itself. For pharmacies, you can only make an actual appointment.
Anonymous says
I called every area Walmart directly a few weeks ago and got us on waiting lists at all of them. The other pharmacies I called were limiting their waitlists to currently eligible people according to our state’s guidelines.
Anon says
This was me, OP. I’m not sure why the Anon didn’t populate.
SC says
I think it just depends on the state. In my state, there is no pre-registration system, and anyone can call any pharmacy and get on the wait list. I was on a hospital wait list and got called Saturday night. I got a call from a Walmart today. Two of my coworkers got extras today because one of them is friends with the principal of his kids’ school, and the school had its teachers vaccinated on-site today and had 4 doses leftover.