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I kept active during both my pregnancies — I am convinced it made labor more bearable and sped my recovery. There are more activewear options than ever for mamas-to-be, and Adidas is now on that ever expanding list.
Given the recent popularity of leggings, I’d be interested in trying Adidas’ Essentials Cotton Leggings. They’re a soft, stretchy jersey fabric and feature a supportive high-rise waist that can be folded over.
They’d be perfect for walking, prenatal yoga, or even working from home. I could see these leggings getting a lot of use postpartum as well.
The leggings are $45, available in sizes XS–2XL, and come in navy melange and black.
Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Spring Mid-Season Sale: Up to 50% off 100s of styles
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anon says
It was 65 degrees in my corner of the Midwest this weekend and it was life-changing after three months of pandemic winter. Just wanted to reassure all of you in cold climates that there are brighter days ahead, hopefully soon!!
Pogo says
Yes!! There’s still a foot of snow left to melt, but I took the preschooler out in the stroller for a jog yesterday and didn’t have to do A Christmas Story-level shenanigans to stuff him into gear. Also our local ice cream place opens today, and we ran by it twice – both times kiddo was SO excited, chatting a mile a minute. “Dis the ice cream place momma! It’s going to open tomorrow, and I’m gonna get banilla! With sprinkles!!!”
They were also able to play on the playground at school a few times last week (the rule is it has to be above freezing, I guess) and that made a huge difference in his mood.
Between this and the vaccine, and booking a house on the Cape for a couple weeks this summer, I’m starting to feel hopeful again.
Anonymous says
Yes! We went to the Big Playground in our neighborhood this weekend, and it was awesome. We hadn’t been able to between snow/rain and below freezing temps for a while. Being able to run around outside really makes a difference in our kid’s mood.
AnonATL says
It was so nice here this weekend! We did a ton of yardwork while the kid happily sat in his pack n play with toys. It’s amazing how mild weather and sunshine cheers me up.
anon says
Yes, it was a game changer! I felt better on Saturday than I have in months.
DLC says
Definitely agree- the longer stretches in sunlight too are magical.
After spending the first six weeks of the year quarantining (because of Baby’s positive COVID test) and then snowed in, i’ve become a lot more okay with letting the kids play at the muddy, wet playground. The release of having them run and play and and climb outdoors has been worth any amount of laundry and mud.
Anon says
as someone in Houston, i’m feeling the reverse. Summer here is our harder time weather wise and I am dreading it. This past weekend was super humid, and oh I have not missed that all winter
Anonymous says
Same here. I do not look foward to heat, humidity, and mosquitoes, or the inevitable A/C breakdown.
Katala says
Yes. I was eyeballing the mall near our new neighborhood and wondering how much time I’ll spend there this summer walking laps with the baby. DH suggested a Peloton, which isn’t the worst idea given I don’t expect to be going to workout classes quite yet.
Leatty says
What’s your daycare’s current policy on illnesses? Mine says kids can’t attend if anyone in the household has covid symptoms until they get a negative test. Theoretically, this should mean my kids are getting sick less frequently, but we are already on cold #2 for my 6 month old in just over a month. The first time, our pediatrician did just a rapid test (negative) and the kids went back right away. This time, urgent care insisted on doing both a rapid and PCR test and specifically put in the note for daycare that he isn’t cleared to return to daycare. This means both he and and his big sister have to stay home for most of this week, and DH and I will be scrambling to watch both kids while working in demanding jobs that require us to spend all day on conference calls.
I’m so annoyed – I completely understand the school’s policy and that the urgent care is following CDC guidelines, but in practice this is a huge PITA because it will mean that my kids are home several weeks each month just because one of them has even mild symptoms (he just has a cough, no other symptoms). We could get a nanny, but then we lose our spots at a daycare we love and that was really hard to get into. I know we are fortunate to have a daycare that is open and jobs that are understanding, but I’m just so frustrated by the whole situation.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Ours makes us keep both kids home if anyone in the home is exhibiting Covid symptoms – i.e. cough, fever, a couple of other ones. A runny nose by itself won’t keep kids out. They have to stay home until they’re symptom free for 72 hours, regardless of negative Covid tests. Also, if anyone is waiting for Covid test results (even without symptoms), they’re also kept out. So far, we’ve had them home for about a few days to the full week once per month from Sept. – Jan. (knocking on all wood that they stay healthy from now on as it’s been a good stretch), all due to the little one getting some sort of virus and getting a mild cough. No Covid positive tests so far. It sucks because the nature of daycare and any group setting is that the little ones will pick up everything – this is good for their immune systems but tough now. FWIW my older has not gotten anything beyond a mild cold in July, as he’s now been in daycare since he was 4 months old. So it takes time and is usually worst in the winter. Hopefully your kids will be outside more now and will pick up less.
Anon says
That’s annoying re: pending COVID test if taken for reasons other than suspected COVID. I’ve had several before medical procedures where my mask would be off and also had them prior to having to drive my dad to medical appointments. These “just in case” tests shouldn’t warrant taking a kid out of school or daycare.
Clementine says
My daycare has a similar policy with added bonus that ‘if anyone has a pending COVID test, all children must be pulled out until the test comes back negative.’
And yes, that does mean that I had 3 small children home for almost a week because of a series of stuffy noses. And… that’s when I learned: If I’m getting one tested, I’m getting them all tested. Because lemme tell ya – the fact that I couldn’t use the ‘no, really! Sibling had the same stuffy nose and tested negative 2 days ago!’ and had to pull EVERYBODY OUT and wait for negative tests AGAIN…. No bueno.
Mary Moo Cow says
Ours is the same, long-standing policy: can’t attend until child has been 24 hours fever free without medicine. If child is exposed to someone who tests positive for COVID or child tests positive, child has to stay home until child has a negative test.
Anonymous says
I think mine is less cautious than most, which I’m ok with because I think it’s a bit of hygiene theater since people are most infectious before they display symptoms. Family members don’t matter unless they have a positive Covid test or a known Covid exposure and then the whole family is supposed to stay home. Kids with Covid symptoms (Fever and cough, but not runny nose/sneezing) are supposed to be out 48 hours after symptoms but I don’t think a Covid test is required. Not 100% sure on that because we’ve had one cold that was super mild and only resulted in runny nose and sneezing in my 3 year old. If she’d been coughing a lot, I probably would have asked school if a Covid test was required, but I know my ped is reluctant to do them on kids who don’t have a fever or a known exposure.
Anonymous says
That’s what ours does and thank goodness. A friend in a less strict daycare has repeatedly been sent home for 2 weeks because someone had covid.
Anonymous says
Unless Covid actually spread within the center, it’s not related. The daycare’s illness protocols have nothing to do with whether someone gets Covid outside the daycare and forces an entire class/center to quarantine for 2 weeks. As anecdata the opposite way, our daycare has the same illness protocol they did pre-Covid (just have to be fever free for 24 hours) and we’ve had no positive Covid tests or quarantines in the center.
Anonymous says
It did. Parents have repeatedly sent kids to day care with covid tests pending, and it has spread.
Anonymous says
Our is if the kids in the daycare are exhibiting symptoms or if anyone has tested positive. I don’t have more than one of my kids at the same school (3 kids 3 schools) but if one kid has the sniffles, the other kid is going to school. If I’m at the point where I need to test of my kids for COVID, I keep the others home out of an abundance of caution.
Flip this around. If you found out that there were siblings in your daycare and one had COVID symptoms and the other was in your kiddo’s class, wouldn’t you want the sibling to stay home? If it turns out that test was positive, wouldn’t you be flipping out that the parents didn’t have the common sense to keep both kids home?
This all really, really, sucks and I’m sorry you have to deal with it, but better times are coming. Please do what makes sense for the health of everyone.
Bright Horizons says
Ours (bright horizons fwiw) requires everyone in the household to be out if anyone has symptoms or a pending test. Not only that, but you have to be out for 10 days regardless of a covid test unless you can get a certification from your doctor that it *isn’t* covid. Even with a doctors certification, no one in the household can return until 72 hours after the symptoms are gone. It’s madness. I’m told it’s a national corporate policy.
Bright Horizons says
I should add that there is one saving grace – congestion or runny nose is not on their symptoms list. So that helps.
Anon. says
Interesting – we’re at BH too and that was the policy we operated under last fall but sometime around November it switched and a COVID test is now also accepted to allow return (as opposed to Dr certification that it’s something else).
Anonymous says
Our BH does the same — negative COVID test is ok. But runny nose and congestion are on our symptoms list, which we were told follow the local department of health’s symptoms list. And our local department of health has EVERYTHING on the symptom list, including a catch-all of “feeling unwell in any way.”
Pogo says
Ours is the same, I’m just extraordinarily lucky no one has had a cold with a cough and when we had a Mystery Illness with fever it was when I was on maternity leave, we masked and isolated until the test came back, and it didn’t spread to anyone but patient zero (the preschooler). I didn’t even have the option of a rapid test, and what’s more, I didn’t get an appointment for over 36 hours.
I totally get the policy, it is just impossible to deal with as a working parent. It’s like back to the full lockdown days again.
Boston Legal Eagle says
It’s March everyone. Next week will mark a year since the day most of us got the call that kids were being sent home, we were told to work remotely and everything changed. A year of pandemic parenting. I have a range of emotions about this, and agree with the above that there are some bright lights like the snow finally melting and vaccines getting to more people, but I still wanted to mark this moment of a year of this, that I didn’t think would be possible last March. You all have done more than any parent should be asked to do and I want to acknowledge and recognize all of us for this. No, we’re not on the front lines in the ICUs but what we have done is still important and it’s still beyond hard.
How is everyone feeling?
Anonymous says
Wasn’t it more like mid-March that everything changed? I’m in the Midwest so maybe things were different in the areas that were hit hard early but it was March 14 that daycare, public schools and my office all announced they were closing. The pandemic wasn’t really on anyone’s radar here before that, other than potentially canceling international travel.
I feel pretty good now. It was hard, but I always thought this would last 12-18 months. I knew we as a country couldn’t control the virus without vaccines. I’ve been fortunate to have full-time daycare since August though and our public schools are also open full-time. I would be ragey if I had a kid still with no school. My parents and in-laws are vaccinated and visiting soon and I’m optimistic DH and I will be vaccinated by July or so. While I don’t think things will be “normal” for quite a while, I am looking forward to things like domestic air travel, outdoor dining, more outdoor socializing and putting my kid back in indoor activities.
Anonymous says
Yep — we’re in DC, and I was supposed to host a birthday brunch on March 14, but ended up canceling because people started being wary of gatherings. Our daycare closed on March 17.
Anon says
I’m in Boston, an early hotspot. I’ll never forget it. Thursday, March 12 was the last day in the office. Friday the 13th was the first day WFH. Public schools closed on the 16th and our nationally franchised daycare (somewhat oddly) stayed open that week, closing for good Monday the 23rd.
Pogo says
Friday the 13th was my last day in the office.
Cb says
I’m alright…just worn out, I think? Nursery went back this month, but my husband is having surgery next week and I’m not sure how I’m going to juggle everything. And if one more person tells me I should have learned to drive…yes, if I knew there would be a global pandemic/we would move to the suburbs/my husband would have surgery, I would have but my crystal ball is broken.
I realised that while 2020 wasn’t a hugely unproductive year – I got things published, I kept projects moving along, I haven’t had the time or space for any new ideas. And that was exposed by some harsh feedback this am and I’m reeling a bit. My contract ends next February and honestly, I have no idea what I’m going to do next.
Pogo says
Hugs, Cb!
Lily says
It feels surreal. Our daughter was 16 months when the shutdown started and barely walking/talking. She’s now a wonderful/terrible 2-year old and we’re expecting our second daughter in ~7 weeks. I feel simultaneously lucky at how privileged we’ve been through this entire ordeal, and angry that a year of our lives has felt wasted in a way. It occurred to me that although our kid is in daycare, I personally haven’t gotten to observe her playing with other kids for a whole year and that just breaks my heart. I’m also upset that we didn’t have the option to do any traveling or just getting away from it all before baby #2. I miss my friends so much. But, we had choices and other people didn’t, so overall I just feel fortunate.
Anon says
Yeah I also feel like a year of our lives is just gone. Which isn’t so bad if you think about a hopefully 70+ year lifespan but is hard with little kids because they change so fast. I only have one child so I frequently think about how I will never do X with a 2 (or 3) year old and get really sad. Not that 4, 5, 6 etc year olds aren’t great, but it’s different, you know? I really like I’m somehow missing the late toddler/early preschooler years even though I’m spending more time with my kid than ever.
Anonymous says
so much this. My kids haven’t seen my husband’s parents in 18 months. I have 3 kids and my middle was 3.5 in preschool last year. She’s in preschool now (very part time) but she basically lost her preschool experience. No playdates, no ballet class or gymnastics, no music class or any of the hallmark preschool things (ours does a big field trip to the post office and a “test” school bus ride, which is The Talk of Preschool. Obviously not happening this year.)
my older one was in K last year and didn’t do the Chick Fest (a month of watching chickens hatch + big school wide party hosted by kindergarteners), missed out on all the 1st grade field trips. It feels like I blinked and I went from having a K to having a 2nd grader.
My youngest was 1.5 when things closed and I think, while challenging to have her home, she lost the least. She lost a year of being dragged to sibling’s activities and being in the toddler room at daycare. She gained a year of her big siblings being home.
On that note, there have been positives. My middle child is going to K reading because she joined my oldest in a lot of her hybrid/remote schooling. My mom moved in with us for 4 months to help watch the kids and they all have a much closer relationship with her. My kids have all learned to pull more weight around the house, to keep themselves busy, and to play nicely with each other. My oldest is extremely tech savvy now. My husband recently commented that the pandemic completely changed his career in that in staying home/WFH, he realized how much he’d been missing and going forward will not take that for granted. He’s doubling down on making sure he’s in a family-friendly role at work and may even take a new role because of it. What’s incredible is that he hasn’t really given up work time for family time– he’s just been physically home so much more (no travel, no commute, can pop up and have lunch quickly with me or whichever kid is home, can answer a quick question while “at the office.”)
Anon says
i feel the same. i have two children, but twins. i will never take a 2 year old to my parents house, to my in-laws house, on a plane, to eat in a restaurant, to the children’s museum, to any of the play places, etc. we barely even go to a playground bc people around here aren’t great mask wearers. my mother passed away shortly before covid started and i still have not been back to my parents’ home to help my dad clean out her stuff, so he had to do it alone. we have the only grandchildren on both sides of the family and our parents have missed so much.
AnonATL says
I only have a 7 month old, but I think so much about the things he’s not going to learn to do until much later than he would in normal times. I can’t imagine the first time we take him to a restaurant or a movie or on an airplane where he’s expected to be somewhat quiet and stationary.
I guess him being so young is a good thing though. He’s likely going to be a lot less affected than those of you with toddlers and older.
Anon says
I feel relieved that there’s light at the end of the tunnel, even if it’s a really long tunnel! I’m also trying to conceive and basically dooming myself to another year of navigating the covid world unvaccinated. I know you can get vaccinated while pregnant but it’s not recommended yet with the current data. I feel like I’ve been hanging on ok but it’s getting old. I also know that my kid doesn’t care but I wish I could take him more places.
Also I feel a little sad that we have a big family divide with some of my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandmother who feel that covid is a hoax and that I’m a terrible person for not bringing my kids over to see them even though they walk around dick nosing it and fly back and forth to Florida. Not that I was close to them anyway or admired them as people, but I feel like they officially hate me now which is kind of sad.
Anonymous says
No this is incorrect. Getting the vaccine while pregnant is a perfectly fine and recommended thing to do. Don’t get it if you don’t want it but please don’t spread this false information
Anon says
Who is recommending it? ACOG says that “ACOG recommends that COVID-19 vaccines should not be withheld from pregnant individuals who meet criteria for vaccination based on ACIP-recommended priority groups” and “Pregnant patients who decline vaccination should be supported in their decision.” You can absolutely get a vaccine while pregnant and in some areas pregnant women are in group 1A. I have not seen a recommendation that all pregnant women should be vaccinated though and many obs recommend waiting for more data to be available.
Anon says
Also their statement was in reaction to the WHO advising that pregnant women not get it.
Lily says
I got the vaccine while pregnant!
Anonymous says
They’re trialing it in pregnant women now so there should be a lot more data in a few months.
TheElms says
ACOG says that vaccines “should not be withheld from pregnant individuals”.
Their full statement is here: https://www.acog.org/clinical/clinical-guidance/practice-advisory/articles/2020/12/vaccinating-pregnant-and-lactating-patients-against-covid-19
Anon says
It shouldn’t be withheld is different from recommending it.
Piper Dreamer says
Just to note on the vaccination while pregnant. In NY, pregnant women can get vaccinated now and I have my appointment in April. My pregnant OB received the vaccine earlier this year (as a healthcare provider). I personally think the risk of getting covid (known to us) is way worse than the (unknown/unproven) risk of the vaccine.
Anonymous says
+1 Covid while pregnant has significant risks to both mom and baby. Get the vaccine when it’s available to you.
Anon says
If I was in at higher risk I probably would elect to be vaccinated, but I work from home and never go anywhere so I feel like my risk is different from someone seeing patients on a daily basis. It’s a tough decision honestly.
Anonymous says
That’s fine. But don’t spread around that pregnant women shouldn’t get it
Anon says
I am not trying to discourage anyone from getting it, but the fact is that it’s neither recommended nor discouraged. It’s a gray area until more data is available. Many pregnant women are waiting just like many are electing to get it. Neither position is wrong.
Anon says
Uh it’s definitely recommended by my highly respected high risk obgyn. She’s having me wait until second trimester, but she’s the bomb dot com and definitely straight up recommending it.
Also I have no fewer than four pregnant doctor friends who all got it. “Not recommended” is strong.
Anon says
Dude, I’m not trying to discourage anyone from getting it but the ACOG does not recommend it. That is a fact. I would love it if they did recommend it.
Anonymous says
She didn’t say the ACOG recommended it, she said her OBGYN did. Mine does do. Have you asked your doctor what they say? Guidance from medical bodies like ACOG often takes time to catch up to the science. Practicing physicians have more up-to-date info.
Anon says
I think enough obgyns are recommending it that you COULD say it’s widely recommended. ACOG is behind, as you’d expect.
Caveat that my doctor would prefer second tri and doesn’t want me to get it just before birth. But I haven’t heard of any obgyns discouraging it.
Anon says
Mine does not recommend it because my risk of exposure is low, but also does not discourage it. Honestly it’s great that her doctor recommends it for her but my situation is maybe not the same?
Anon says
My OB said she would recommend it for anyone because no one can live a life free of Covid risk. You probably won’t get it from takeout food or a grocery store run, but if you have kids in daycare or even with a nanny the risk of exposure is very real. Not “ER doctor intubating Covid+ patients on a daily basis” risk but it’s still risk. I know a lot of people who got Covid in the last year despite generally being cautious and living a low risk lifestyle.
Katala says
My OB also recommends it to everyone, absent an allergy or something. I WFH and do sometimes go to a store (carefully, masked, etc.) but have a kid in daycare. And we do leave the house sometimes. People who have less exposure than I do have contracted COVID. Especially with new variants. I got my first dose last week.
Anon says
If you’re pregnant, you automatically have a lot of exposure through all your medical appointments, plus potential exposure if any pregnancy complications land you in the ER or hospital. A friend’s father was totally isolating at home – he didn’t even go to the grocery store or do takeout food, hadn’t seen another human in person since the start of this – but was hospitalized for a different health issue, contracted Covid in the hospital and died. He was almost 80 and had risk factors so I’m not suggesting you would die if you got it, but I think it’s very naive to think you won’t get Covid just because you WFH and are being cautious. Anybody is one hospitalization away from a serious risk of getting Covid and pregnant women are more likely to be hospitalized (and also more vulnerable to Covid) than non-pregnant women.
Anon says
This is wrong. Get it while TTC, pregnant and/or breastfeeding.
Anon says
I wish I could get it now, but it’s not an option. Where is the recommendation to get it while pregnant though? I honestly have not found a single one, just wishy washy “make your own decision” guidance. I really want this recommendation but I frankly just don’t see it. It’s a moot point until I am actually pregnant, though. I don’t understand how I’m wrong even though everyone is telling me that I am! I checked the CDC, ACOG, WHO, etc. Like I get that vaccines are great and I want one, but also the science right now is the embodiment of ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Anonymous says
I mean. You wanna play martyr for a year like woe is me cannot get vaccinated even though it’s totally allowed because no one has definitively said All Preggers Get it Now knock yourself out. You can and should get the vaccine while pregnant. And if you don’t wanna, that’s totally on you.
Anon says
I’m honestly not comfortable getting it while pregnant without more data. You and many people here think I’m dumb, though, and maybe I am. I feel like no matter what I choose I’m a terrible person – either I’m martyring myself or taking an unknown risk and being selfish because I want to have a more normal life. I’ve made it a year so it’s not like I need it – I’ve gotten along ok and sure I could suck it up go another year. I’m not anti-science but in science data matters and how can I made a good decision without adequate info? Am I a terrible person for feeling frustrated? I was just venting and expressing how I was feeling. I probably shouldn’t have said anything at all. It feels like every decision I could possibly make is wrong – even taking about it and admitting to feeling bad is clearly offending people.
Anon says
Just go to an actual doctor. They will recommend it!
Anon says
I have talked to my doctor, who is a real and highly qualified doctor!
Katala says
It’s not about being selfish and wanting a normal life though. It’s about protecting yourself from a disease that we know is more dangerous to pregnant women. I’m not returning to normal until vaccination rates are way higher – being back to normal is not my motivation. Reducing the chances of hospitalization or death during my pregnancy is.
Mary Moo Cow says
I am feeling much better than I did in April 2020. We kept our kids out of school from March – June and that was pretty much hell on earth. Now, I’m sad that my kids missed months of idance classes and playdates. However, I’m really glad I’ve been working from home so that I’m home when they get home from school, our evenings and weekends are more relaxed because we don’t have activities, we’re cooking more and eating out less. When I think about going back to the office and commuting, I get blue.
Mostly, I think I’m just over it. I’m resigned to wearing a mask and doing the awkward dance of figuring out everyone’s comfort level with outdoor socializing now that it’s warming up and having my kid sit behind a plexiglass divider and not talking during lunch, but I want to wake up tomorrow and not have to do those things.
Thanks for the acknowledgment and reminder that this is hard.
Anonymous says
March 12th was The Day Schools Closed around here (boston area). My kiddo went home with a friend for a playdate on Thursday and didn’t go back until fall (hybrid). She remembers it and the kids at school are talking about it as if it’s like, a national holiday/national day of mourning. I had to walk away and cry a little when I heard her and her little 7 year old friends talking about “those times when we could have playdates and play on the playground together.” “Mom remember when we thought we’d be back in school after a few weeks? HA HA HA.” “mom remember when we didn’t have to wear masks? I almost don’t anymore.”
avocado says
For us the official beginning of lockdown was Friday the 13th. On Thursday the 12th it was announced that school would be closed on Friday “to deep-clean and prepare.” The district asserted that it would reopen the next week, and I just laughed. On Thursday morning I was still trying to convince a client that it was a Very Bad Idea to hold an in-person meeting on Monday, and I was reassuring my panicked high-risk staffer that no matter what happened there was no way we were flying there. By noon on Thursday, the first cases had been reported in the county where my office is. Everyone left early and I spent the afternoon frantically running from grocery store to grocery store trying to find the last few perishables on my punch list of groceries to last us through the 6 weeks I predicted we’d be locked down. That weekend was our last get-together with extended family. By Monday, the same client that had been pushing for an in-person meeting was holding court hearings over Zoom.
Anonymous says
Outdoor masked playdates are not ok? I feel like I’m pretty cautious when it comes to Covid and I think the risks of those are negligible, especially if you limit it to people the kid already has exposure to through a pod or school.
Anonymous says
I posted what my daughter said above. yes, masked playground playdates are ok. technically they should also be socially distant though. And what my kid is missing is Old Times. Times when you can roll into a playground with 40 other kids and do Kid Things with no worries of mask straps or 6′ of distance. Pile on the slide. Sit next to your buddies and build a sandcastle. Share a bag of goldfish while giggling under the slide.
I’m not saying there aren’t COVID safe alternatives, but that’s not what they are thinking back on.
TheElms says
Everything changed for us on March 13. I’m pretty upset that we’re approaching the one year anniversary and things are not better. None of the grandparents are fully vaccinated yet, there is no realistic possibility of me traveling to see the majority of my family (other than parents) that live abroad because they impose at least 10 day quarantine periods on people regardless of vaccine status or rapid test results (and my toddler won’t be vaccinated for years yet). It doesn’t look hopeful that public elementary school in my county will be back in person full-time next fall but at least some form of hybrid seems likely. That of course doesn’t matter for a toddler except that it has pushed a lot of people into private schools and that in turn has put pressure on private preschool enrollment so we haven’t been able to secure a fulltime spot for my toddler at either a daycare or a preschool. So we have to sort out some expensive part time preschool / nanny arrangement if I want my kid to see other kids. It could of course be a lot worse but I’m just sad. I was so hopeful and optimistic for so long and I’m just done now.
Clementine says
I really thought this was going to be like SARS. A couple of weeks where people were really nervous and some extra signs and screenings but… nothing that would profoundly change my daily life.
In the last year, I have learned that I can handle more than I ever thought. I was able to juggle a newborn, a toddler, and a preschooler all at home while I was working full time and could have nobody come in to help. My kids are closer than I ever would have guessed, we have found more joy in our little home than I would have ever imagined, but also: so much loss. Loss after loss after loss. Loss of normalcy, loss of innocence, loss of experiences, loss of work-life balance… So much loss. I’m doing better now than I was a couple weeks ago – that’s when I hit my wall – and a big part of that is the summer.
All grandparents are either fully vaccinated or will be within the next couple weeks… Once that is done, I do think we will probably start to do more (masked, outdoor) activities than we have been. My oldest in particular has been DYING to get to play soccer again, has been begging to go swimming, and just wants to be able to do (masked, outdoor) playdates again.
I wish I had a finish line. I don’t know if anyone else is a runner, but… runs are so much longer when you don’t know where the finish line is. Like, if you’ve ever been lost and aren’t totally sure how many more miles until you get back to your car… it takes FOREVER. For me, if I know where the finish line is… it goes faster. What’s made this so hard is: there is no finish line. Back in March, I was SURE we would be able to go to Disney World in August…. then I was sure it would be normal by Christmas… and now… I wish we had a finish line.
Pogo says
Your point about the finish line is me, 100% (and I a runner so maybe that’s it!). I talk about it with my therapist a lot. I don’t do well with uncertainty.
All I’ve learned is to control what I can and reduce that uncertainty for myself, because I can’t reduce it for the whole world. We don’t know if we’ll be able to go to Disney World this fall. But, I know I can go to the Cape this summer and get takeout and eat outdoors. The kids can play in the sand and splash in the water.
My LO always likes to say, “When the germies are gone, we’re going to throw away our masks!” and he pronounces masks like “maskes” and it’s too precious.
Anon says
My 3 year old says “maskes” too!
Anonymous says
I am not a runner anymore, but I know exactly what you mean. I never believed we’d be reopened by Easter last year, but I thought maybe summer? And then maybe October? and then maybe Feb?
It reminds me of when I used to run with my husband and we’d say “OK, let’s sprint to that big tree” and we’d get to the big tree, and he’d say “just a little farther, let’s get to the stop sign!” My brain doesn’t want to do that. It’s motivating to him to push past where he thought his limit was, but for me it’s such a mental blow when the end isn’t where I thought it was. At this point, I’m calling 2022 the finish line just so I won’t be disappointed anymore for a while.
AwayEmily says
On Thursday, March 12, I taught my last in-person (college) class. I jettisoned my originally planned material and spent most of the class doing a Q&A (with slides) on COVID, talking to students about the “flattening the curve,” why they should seriously consider canceling their spring break plans, and why I suspected they would not be returning to campus after the break.
It’s been a year. I feel very lucky my kids are a toddler/preschooler so I did not have to deal with Zoom learning.
Missing family has been the worst part. My MIL adores babies, and she missed most of my son’s babyhood. And it’s been so hard having my mom live 20 minutes away yet almost never seeing her.
anon says
We miss our extended family get-togethers. The grandparents are still not vaccinated. (Two of three will get them this week.) My kids lost a grandparent to covid. They also lost a great-grandparent (not Covid, but we didn’t get to see him during his final months of life because he was living in a care facility.) We have a huge rift with DH’s side of the family, who has been gallivanting about throughout the pandemic, even after their uncle and brother died. I never want to see them again, tbh. Thank goodness we have in-person school, but this has been a hard year. I’m hanging in there okay, but I completely second what somebody above said. I’m not feeling creative, inspired, or anything like that. I just want this to be over, and I am still so angry about everything. I really do feel like we’ve lost a year of our lives.
Anonymous says
It’s surprising to me because I’m introverted but I miss the extended family get togethers so much. The fact that we have to do Passover over Zoom again is really, really hard, even though I know from the beginning of the pandemic that it was fairly likely this thing wouldn’t be resolved in a year. If we can’t have real Passover in 2022 I’m going to lose it.
Anon says
yes, yesterday received email from family scheduling our second Zoom passover. it makes me so sad, especially bc Passover is on a weekend so would’ve been easier for more family to attend. we took our twins when they were 11 months and htis year at almost 3, i think they would really love it. plus there are 2 new babies in the family who i’ve never met.
Anon says
I’m feeling optimistic. While personally the year has been a SLOG, professionally, I was promoted last year and am starting this year off strong. DH and I are both high risk, and we have appointments scheduled to get our first shot next week. Once my shots are effective, I will likely start going into the office 1-2 days a week, which means seeing people, adult conversations, and not being touched all day long by my toddler. DH’s parents got their second shots about a week ago; my parents are getting their second shot this week. I rehired a cleaning service about a month ago and added laundry, and there is so much less conflict in our marriage now that that’s out of the equation. We are still TTC (14 months running), but I’ve started using the Ava bracelet since we are infrequent deed doers so being more accurate on timing will hopefully help. Kiddo had just started speech therapy when the pandemic hit, and the leaps and bounds she has made in the past year are really remarkable. The other day I caught her dancing and singing along to her group session with the other kids and we have come such, such a long way. Weather is warming up, I will see if my baby trees we planted in the fall survived the winter soon, and I think better days are coming. There are buds on the forsythia, which is always the first thing to bloom around here.
HSAL says
I would absolutely read a book with stories like these, and I’m sure they’ll show up. The other day I was the weirdo looking back at posts from a year or so ago, because it’s so fascinating to see people’s takes on it at the start. There were people on the main page still planning their Italy and Japan vacations. Our first state case was announced in early March. The following week a neighboring county shut down its schools for two weeks, meaning they’d be out for a month until after spring break. It seemed crazy after that! The weekend after that was the last time we visited my parents. Daycare didn’t close until a week later but it was so surreal because people had already started keeping their kids home, so there were only a handful of kids there in each class.
Cb says
Right? We ended up not attending my sister-in-law’s funeral (long train + tube away) and people thought I was a monster, but we were fully locked down 3 days later.
Anonymous says
Yes. Ladies, we’ve been through some stuff, and the fact that we are not currently curled up in the corner crying is a victory in itself. Good for all of you for getting sh1t done this last year.
NPR or some other news outlet (but I saw it there) solicited when people realized that life as we knew it had changed under #TheMoment…
I remember watching the press conference where Maryland announced the “emergency” “two week” school closure over my husband’s shoulder (kids were at school, but we were already working from home; my company has offices in China and got on the bandwagon very early) and just crying while he unsuccessfully trying to convince me it was going to be OK and it was just for two weeks. Our church had suspended in person services the weekend before, and we’d cancelled a social thing, there was already a stay-at-home order, but the school closure was the point of no return for me.
I’m feeling better now than I did then. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel: I saw a school bus today!! For the first time in almost a year! My parents are fully vaccinated and coming to visit! but it has been a tough, tough year, and I had it so much better than most. We kept our jobs, we didn’t lose any family members or close friends, we sent our kids to a private in-person school. I heard on a podcast, “we have not yet dealt with this as the national collective trauma that it is” and I feel like that’s so true. I’m still kinda in “survival mode” and haven’t slowed down to process the lost year yet. It’s just A Lot.
Pogo says
I remember crying on our global manager call when the senior executives couldn’t answer the questions people were putting in the chat. I think it was like March 20th. The moderator was having a hard time as well, her voice wasn’t breaking exactly but it was… sad. “This person wants to know, if my employee is high risk, and cannot obtain a mask…” and then the head of HR or EHS or whatever was like, “We just don’t know. We don’t know when we will be able to go back. We don’t know when it will be safe. We are trying our best to figure it out for each country.” and it was like, holy ish, no one knows what to do, even the people literally in charge of this. I remember running to hug my son right after and just feeling glad we were all safe, after hearing from around the world how it was going down.
CPA Lady says
I’m feeling good and hopeful.
Kid was home from March-Dec, in online kindergarten Aug-Dec. Started back to full time in person school in January. I’m back in the office. My mom is getting her second vax this week. FIL already got both his. Spring-ish weather is finally here in the south after weeks of miserable “37 degrees and raining” weather. The tree in my front yard is blooming. I really enjoyed the slower pace of last summer, so even if this summer is similar, I’m looking forward to it.
Also during the last year I quit a lot of activities I didn’t really enjoy, and stopped straightening my curly hair/learned to cut it myself in a way that looks better than what I’d been paying $$$ for and I feel happy when I look in the mirror. I also found out that I still like my husband after being around him for many months straight. So … things are pretty good. Just gotta get through this lovely tax season.
The hardest thing is not seeing my sister since thanksgiving 2019, but she’s allegedly going to drive across the whole country to come see us in May. If that doesn’t happen I might have a little depressive spiral. But I have my fingers crossed. The other thing that makes me a little sad is that my daughter had this group of really good friends from multiple years of daycare and birthday parties and play dates and we’ve only kept up with two of them. I was talking to her about one of the other girls and she couldn’t remember her and wanted to see a picture of her. One of the last things we did before everything shut down was go to a birthday party at a trampoline gym for this kid. She can remember going to the trampoline gym but has a hard time remembering her friend. I know that’s age appropriate and normal, but it made me sad.
Anon says
Awww. If it makes you feel better, I think some of that forgetting friend stuff happens naturally even in normal times. People move away, get zoned to different schools, etc.
Anon says
My husband is in a hospital admin (non-clinical) job and I started solo parenting then.
It’s one pandemic, but we’re all in different boats.
Anon says
I’m mostly feeling good. My elderly family members are all vaccinated, my parents are moving to our city this summer and will be a much bigger presence in our daily lives, my husband and I (educators) are probably getting vaxxed in the next month or two, things in our state are pretty open so once we’re vaxxed we will largely be able to resume normal life, minus some luxuries like international travel. I know we’re much more fortunate than many people. But random things occasionally send me into a big wave of sadness. My child just had a birthday so I’m doing the annual photobook and using last year’s as a template which was a mistake. It’s so hard to see everything we did in 2019/early 2020. It’s not even the big stuff like the trips to Copenhagen and Paris that makes me sad. The hardest thing is just how many pictures of family and friends we have that we haven’t seen in over a year. It doesn’t help that my husband’s side of the family is really cautious and doesn’t want to see us until everyone (including the kids) are vaxxed so who knows when that will be.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Thanks all. These are all really great to read, I totally feel the wide range of emotions. I am grateful that we’ve all been healthy so far and I’ve enjoyed the lack of commute and ability to get my eating and exercise habits in better shape (after daycare reopened!!), but at the same time also feel like a year has been lost. I feel for all of the grandparents, including my in-laws, who haven’t seen their grandkids in a year + and they really have missed a lot of development. My younger kid started out last year barely walking and just learning to talk and now he’s a chatty, running 2.5 year old! Sure, they’ll see them in the future and they see photos and videos, but it’s not the same. Not to mention the closed schools, 50 different ways of shutting down and reopening, no playdates, uncertainty about everything, etc.
My day was also March 12 last year – I remember that earlier that week, my husband’s office sent them home on Tuesday and I was talking to my coworker who thought everyone was overreacting and there was no way we’d be sent home. Then comes Thursday as our last day in the office, and I haven’t been back since.
Anon says
Looking at sending my 18-month-old to a new preschool in the fall. It follows a public school schedule but does have “camp” during the summer. However, there are 3 weeks of “summer break” and a few more holidays than the 14 days of closure a year that we have at the current daycare.
I know this is just the beginning of juggling care for my kid, but what do you typically do for care during these off weeks?
Anonymous says
Schedule your vacation then, have both parents alternate days off, beg the grandparents to come visit, hire a babysitter.
Anon says
I think in the post-Covid world there will probably be more flexibility to WFH so you could probably cover a lot of it that way. Otherwise yes to vacations, begging grandparents to come, and using personal leave to cover the days.
Anonymous says
Oh I straight up would never contemplate that! Why put yourself through it when there are plenty of normal day cares that do not do this?
Anonymous says
Not OP, but in my area many of the best preschools have a more school-like schedule. If you can’t make it work, you can’t make it work. But if you can make it work, it can open up a lot of options that may be more appealing than other places. The juggle can be challenging but has been very worth it to us to have our kids at the great school we have them at currently.
Anon says
Maybe this is semantics, but why does a 1 or 2-year-old need preschool? Is it because it’s too hard to get in somewhere as a 3 or 4-year-old? My preference would be to stick with the easier schedule for now and try for school in the future…and maybe not until kindergarten (if you’re planning to go public and are guaranteed a spot). Unless of course you can take enough time off to make the schedule work, then kids having extra time at home during the young years would be nice
Anonymous says
I’m the Anon at 9:40 and I use the terms daycare and preschool pretty much interchangeably so it’s not that I think a 2 year old needs “school.” In my area, the best daycare centers are run by the local university and follow a more school like calendar. My city is a childcare desert though and I’m sure people in big cities have more options. But for us with our limited options, it’s very worth the calendar headaches to be at this daycare.
My point was just that even though a calendar like this is a juggle, it may be that the juggle is worth it depending on your other options. It’s just one downside, right? Just like someone might choose to pay more for a better daycare or drive farther away to a better daycare, you might also choose a better daycare that has more holidays/school breaks. Doesn’t mean everyone has to make that choice, but it’s worth it to some people.
NYCer says
This. In NYC, most preschools that are part of the independent school association mimic the private school calendar (September through early June, or even late May in some cases), and are only 3-4 hours per day. Most people keep their nanny during the preschool years if both parents work. For better or worse, many (most?) kids who go on to private schools in NYC attend this type of preschool, so I think a lot of parents make it work for 2-3 years in order to help with private school admissions for elementary school.
I am not as familiar with daycares in NYC, but I am sure there are plenty of daycares (that probably teach many of the same things that are taught in preschools) that provide full day options.
Anonanonanon says
This is my honest answer, too. We don’t have local family and wouldn’t want to swing this. BUT, alternatively, for a child that young, you either schedule family vacation during that time or get a sitter from care dot com or something similar for those weeks. We eventually made the decision for our family that childcare stress was something we wanted to remove from our plates as much as possible.
Anonymous says
go on vacation, hire a high school/college sitter, take days off. patchwork of summer camps. my kids are a bit older so we’ve been dealing with public school schedules for a while now. it stinks.
Anonymous says
Ours has a 1.5 week closure in August and a 2 week closure over the winter holidays. In normal times, we book vacations and had fallen into a pretty consistent routine over the last few years of visiting the New England grandparents over the summer and going to a Caribbean or Mexican resort in the winter. It isn’t as bad as I thought it would be honestly. I kind of like being forced to take a vacation and having them basically pre-planned.
CCLA says
Our large daycare centers have always had two weeks in winter, a week for spring break, and a week or two in the summer. Other than one week around the holidays in winter, where we try to take off, we would just book care through a nanny agency (trusted sitter would world fine too). That gets $$$ so I recognize we were privileged to be able to do that. It worked really well. I think now that grandparents are recently retired, once Covid is over we will ask them to fly down for a week – they’re a short flight away and would love to have a week here and there with the kids.
Anonymous says
I’m posting my AITA here because you all are kinder than the folks on the main page. A year and a half ago, we lent our nice electronic keyboard to our piano-less adult niece so she could prepare for a choir audition. I also sing, but at the time I was practicing at the piano in our living room when no one else was home. Our niece did not return the keyboard after the audition, and we didn’t ask for it back because we hadn’t been using it and were frankly happy not to have the clutter around. Fast forward to the present day. I basically haven’t practiced since last March because NO ONE EVER LEAVES THE HOUSE. I am constantly being asked to record virtual choir pieces, but my voice is incredibly out of shape. I would love to have the keyboard back so I can practice in a room with a closed door. After all this time, it would be totally obnoxious of me to ask to have they keyboard back, right? If it matters, our niece has a long history of borrowing our stuff and not returning it until we push.
Mary Moo Cow says
My first response was to say not all obnoxious! However, I think it is worth considering how the lending came about: did she ask or did you offer? Did you say “keep it as long as you need!” or “hope this helps with the audition” and imply you wanted it back right away? And how old is she? Knowing this would inform exactly how I asked for it back. However, I think it is reasonable to ask for it back and explain why: “Niece, I hope the keyboard was useful. I’m being asked to record virtual choir pieces, and I need the keyboard back. I can pick it up on date or date at time or time. Let me know which one works for you!”
Anonymous says
She’s a few years younger than we are and in full adult mode–married homeowner with kids, just got her graduate degree and started a full-time job. We offered to lend her the keyboard and left the timing for return pretty open-ended. One reason I’ve been hesitant to ask her to return the keyboard is that we took the audition together but she got in and I didn’t (I have all kinds of excuses for that, ha), and I didn’t want to look mean-spirited by asking for my keyboard back. I think framing it in terms of “I need this for a specific purpose” helps, especially because to my knowledge she isn’t currently doing virtual choir.
AnonyMich says
NTA! Get your keyboard back. “Hope you’ve enjoyed it! We really need it back for X, Y, Z. Can I pick it up this weekend?”
Anonymous says
Since it’s been this long, I’d give her a bit more notice if there’s a chance she’ll need to find a replacement. But yes, ask for it back!
Anon says
Not obnoxious at all. :)
Anonymous says
No just ask her nicely to return it
Anonanonanon says
NTA at all! No one is! Just matter-of-factly text “Hey, (niece)! I lost track of time from COVID, but I just realized I need the keyboard back soon. I’m planning to swing by next weekend to pick it up, which day works best for you?”
Anon says
I need help and/or perspective. My husband is 37 and leaves Diet Coke cans All. Over. The. Place. Desk, kitchen, coffee table, bathroom, bedroom, and most annoyingly, my car (his car, too, but I don’t care about that). Most of them are empty but some have a little bit of liquid, which our younger child seems to be a magnet to and finds and dumps. Super fun!
Look, I will be very clear that our house is usually messy because two parents working 55-60 hours per week and two kids under 5 make it that way, but this is something small I feel we can control. I’ve gently said to him “please don’t leave pop cans in my car, thanks,” or, “can we put the cans in this bag right here so I can return them to the grocery store next time I go?” But nothing sticks. This has been going on for YEARS and now that I’m working from home until the end of time and have been for a year now I’m at a breaking point. I acknowledge he’s tired and does a lot but I am going to lose it. But also he’s a fully-grown adult and this is really, really stupid.
Do I ignore? Say something? Just accept he’s not changing and move on (sigh)?
Anonymous says
Gather them all and pile them up in a place where he’ll notice them that’s inaccessible to the kids.
Anonymous says
100%. Don’t make it a passive-aggressive thing–you can be politely aggressive here.
“This is gross, I can’t live like this.”
I would put them on his office desk, or in my house, the bathroom that attaches to his office.
Lily says
It doesn’t sound like you’ve done the most obvious thing here which is to say firmly and seriously when you are alone: “I have asked you to not leave your coke cans all over the place. It’s bothering me, making more work for me, and making our space dirtier than it needs to be. I feel disrepected that you won’t make this minor effort to clean up after yourself and it’s a bad example for our kids. If you can’t remember to clean up after yourself, I suggest we stop buying coke.” Or something like that. Your husband is being ridiculous and I woudl not stand for it.
Anonymous says
Look honestly just throw them away. Sure you can dial into the righteous indignation. You are right. He is wrong. But what’s the point? He’s a decent man. He contributes. He’s bad at this one minor dumb thing. I’m sure you’re bad at something too. Sometimes marriage is picking up the can and tossing it yourself.
OP says
This is what I needed to hear. Thank you.
Anonymous says
I will just say again, as a woman currently surrounded by 10 empty LaCroix cans- you are totally right. I do not know why I can’t do this one seemingly basic task. I do many other things I promise! But if he’s anything like me, he won’t be able to fix it and can’t figure out why and feels bad. You are beyond correct!! But hopefully he’s great in other ways.
Anonymous says
I posted that I would pile them up but, you are right and this is the higher road. OP could and should ask more clearly.
Anon says
This. I’m the guilty party with the diet coke cans in our marriage. To solve the spillage issue, is he willing to switch to bottles? I did due to pandemic scarcity, but it also means I’m wasting less because they don’t go flat. I try, but I’m just absent minded. If it’s getting worse than usual, DH will gently say to me something like “I’ve notice you’ve been working a lot and are really tired lately, but you’re leaving diet coke cans everywhere around the house again. Can you please make an effort to collect them?”. For DH the thing that drives me nuts is that he sets recyclables literally right next to the recycling bin instead of just putting them in. Same type of nudge if it’s getting rough, but we both just pick up after the other.
Anontoo says
+1
There’s this great Dan Savage discussion about the price of admission (he’s ranting about his partner’s inability to put the peanut butter away). And it’s basically — it’s a minor thing, they aren’t doing it to annoy you, it’s because they just can’t see it, there’s something you do that’s just as annoying, so let it go.
My husband has not embraced this philosophy and I am more like your husband when it comes to fizzy water cans and coffee mugs, his snarky comments and complaining don’t help me notice them, but do make me think of all the small annoying things he does (because I’m petty like that) that I don’t harp on.
Anon says
I’d stop buying Diet Coke.
Anonymous says
That would work in my house because my husband literally refuses to learn how to use on-line purchasing and curbside pickup, but I can’t imagine that most husbands are that wilfully helpless.
Anonymous says
Make a game out of kiddo helping you pick them up and throw them away? YMMV, but I would do this as a joking way to give my DH crap, and he would laugh and take it in stride. But that is our personalities. If DH was more sensitive, I might not go this route. After dinner every night, you and kiddo have a race to see who can collect the most cans. My kiddo would love it on multiple levels – racing, being a big helper.
Anonymous says
Lol I love this. And daddy pays a nickel fine for every can they collect. I’d absolutely as the Can Leaver do this.
SC says
DH used to leave change all over the house. He’d walk in and put it on whatever surface happened to not have change. It would fall out of his pockets onto the couch or into the bed, then the floor. One day, I told him I was going to keep any change I found and put it in my clothing fund. We have shared money/accounts, I’m the primary earner, and he doesn’t monitor how much I spend on clothes, but for some reason, this idea really bothered him. I scooped up less than a dollar one day, and he stopped leaving change everywhere.
He’s filled up multiple decorative containers. He probably has hundreds of dollars worth of change, going back 20 years and multiple moves. He doesn’t want to take the change into a bank and make it usable money because… it’s like his back-up, survival cache or something? I even suggested that our kid could roll some of the change, and DH gave me a horrified look.
Anonymous says
Doesn’t this just teach the kids that people don’t have to clean up after themselves though? Maybe if it’s an age thing but if I started paying my kids to clean up after their Dad, they’d start leaving more mess around and ask me to pay them to clean up their sibling’s mess.
Anonymous says
I don’t know, but the hope is that after a few times, DH gets the point. These types of questions just don’t tend to be on my radar. Maybe I’ll live to regret it. But I’m more about surviving the now. Especially these days!
Anonymous says
I always find it so interesting to see how communication in other peoples marriages works.
My DH really likes very direct communication. It’s an issue we had to deal with in marriage counselling because what he considers direct, sometimes feels to me like borderline rude.
If I asked him not to leave coke cans in my car, he would not translate that into me being stressed about cans left around the house. Like I would need to expressly say ‘It really bothers me when there are Cans left everywhere. Please make sure you put them in the recycling bin or at least in the kitchen sink after you finish one.’ I’d also stop cleaning up messes from the cans – he can do that.
Anonymous says
I don’t think anyone can say that the problem is OP’s fault because she doesn’t communicate directly enough. She shouldn’t have to say anything. What kind of person thinks it’s okay to leave food and beverage debris anywhere, in the car or in the house, whether or not he’s specifically been told it’s a problem? If he were elderly, wouldn’t sticky garbage everywhere be taken as a sign he was incapable of caring for himself?
Anonymous says
Congrats on being a naturally clean person who is perfect in every way!
Anonymous says
Congrats on living in a place where there are no ants, roaches, mice, or rats.
Anonymous says
Thanks I do! Despite not always throwing my cans away!
Anonymous says
? I’m not saying it’s her fault. I’m pointing out that different communication styles mean that unless she directly tells him, he may not realIze how much it bothers her.
Everyone has their own cleaning preferences – I like to change sheets every week, DH doesn’t care if it’s bi weekly. He hates dishes left in the sink and cleans everything before bed. I would fill the dishwasher and leave the rest for the morning. Her DH clearly isn’t bothered by the cans but we all have our cleaning blindspots.
Anon says
Not really the point, I know, but Diet Coke has no sugar so it isn’t sticky and doesn’t attract bugs. It’s basically colored water (from a cleanliness perspective anyway, not a health perspective).
Spirograph says
First, I am a former midwesterner who gave up “pop” when I married my not-midwestern husband and moved to a “soda” locale, and it made me ridiculously happy to see you say pop.
But to your actual question, I’d accept that he’s not changing and move on. My husband leaves drink cans/bottles on his desk all the dang time. He also leaves them on the kitchen counter next to the side door where our recycling bin is sitting just outside. Like, you don’t even need to move your feet at that point, just open the door, lean out, and drop into the bin. I don’t know why he can’t do this. I’ve asked him to bring stuff up from his desk and put it in the recycling, I’ve asked him not to leave bottles and cans in the kitchen, but there they sit. It’s ridiculous. However, it’s not worth spending my brain space being frustrated about it, so I just grab them when I see them and happen to be walking by and drop them in the recycling bin, myself. This is one of those “price of admission” things, and it’s an OK price for me.
Anonanonanon says
The kid dumping is the main issue here, because that stuff stains, but that aside I am the one who leaves water glasses all over the house and yes it’s obnoxious and yes it’s a small task but I just can’t and I don’t know why. BUT if it really bothered my husband, I’d get it together.
Anyway, it really depends how much you’re going to be filled with resentment every time you have to throw one away. If you can just roll your eyes and do it, I’d just do it. But if you’re going to be full of unkind thoughts the whole time, I’d say something like “Honey, I know it’s not that deep, but I feel disrespected when there are coke cans all over the house. It feels like my efforts to keep the house clean are completely disregarded. I know you don’t intend it that way, but that’s how I’m internalizing it, and it’s only fair to let you know.”
Anonymous says
Now that spring is on the horizon, I have a recommendation for a fun family activity with slightly older kids. This weekend we got a fancy radio-controlled car that goes really fast and it’s a blast! 3 y/o was upset that we wouldn’t let him drive it, though. We’ll need to get him his own kiddie version.
DLC says
Agree! Our neighbors have really fancy ones that you can drive outdoors and we have so much fun with them in the field behind the house.
We got these pretty simple ones for our kids when they were 7 and 3 and they are pretty fun and durable though not for the outdoors:
https://www.amazon.com/Prextex-Cartoon-Different-Frequencies-Together/dp/B01CIWDDMO/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=remote+control+car+for+toddlers&qid=1614611007&sprefix=remote+control+car&sr=8-3
Anon says
Yes, this is a daddy-3YO activity in our house too. He likes to take her to the (fenced) neighborhood tennis-basketball courts so they have a relatively flat surface and she can run, but he’s not worried about her escaping (she’s fast and not the best listener!).
low sleep needs ? says
Looking for advice. We have a 3 year old. She doesn’t sleep enough. She goes to daycare/preschool and they want her to nap there, she will nap for 2 hours sometimes if they let her but have been on my instructions waking her up after 45 minutes. She never naps at home. She has been going to bed at 9:45-10 and waking up at 6:30-7 even on the days she doesn’t nap. If it is a no nap day, I can get that down to 9:20 or so and get her to snooze on the couch with me for another half hour in the a.m.. My husband is less able to get her to go to bed on the earlier side, I think she thinks he’s more fun or something (I cannot do bedtime every night).
She just got potty trained very successfully (we put her in a night diapers but they are usually dry). She doesn’t run for the potty or anything when she wakes up. She usually wants some sort of snack after dinner + some milk, we give her a banana or crackers (something small). Kid has ALWAYS been on the low end of sleep needs (i.e. you hear 11-14 hours, my kid was barely at 11). Sometimes after dinner she physically looks tired, we have tried to put her in her bed and do her routine at like 7 and she literally laughs and me and tells me it is not nightime yet. We dim the lights in the apt and limit activity (no screens) for an hour before bed. We try to do quiet time stuff and then do routine of pjs, teeth, etc. She sleeps in a toddler bed in a dark room with a sound machine. Baths wind her up and are only 2 days a week maybe 3 in the summer, and we do them right after dinner.
i just feel this is not normal and I must be doing something wrong. my nephew is 6 months older, still naps 1 hour a day, and sleeps 12 hours at night. i know you can’t compare kids, they are different, but I worry she is not getting enough sleep. (Also – WE are not getting enough sleep!) Personality wise, she is a fairly happy kid, of course has her toddler moments, doesn’t seem super grumpy or anything. I do think she is smart, so my next step is gong to be talking about how sleep makes our bodies healthy and maybe find some more books about sleeping and how it is good (we have one, which she hates, lol). We have 3 year old checkup next week so will be asking her dr (although at the last visit, he blamed daycare and naps).
Any magic ideas?
Anonymous says
Melatonin. It helps with many kinds of sleep problems and the fact that she appears tired but is telling you it’s not nighttime yet is a big tip-off that her body might not be producing the melatonin it should naturally. Anecdotally, I have a lot of friends with really bright/gifted kids and sleep problems are super common in really smart kids. A lot of them have had success with melatonin.
(Also HOW DARE YOU only bathe your child only twice a week! She must be filthy and smelly!!! /s)
Clementine says
Yeah, Zarbees has a 1mg Melatonin gummy. Check with your pediatrician, but at this age this is what got us over the hump. I think we only used them for a month or two, but for my sanity (and my kid!), I was NOT OKAY with a 10PM bedtime.
low sleep needs says
LOL at the bath comment (she has dry skin!).
Thanks for melatonin suggestion. We will ask her pediatrician.
anon says
you may not even need that much. Our ped recommended starting with .2 mg and that did the trick. After a few years and a 50% increase in her bodyweight, she’s now at .5mg. Also a very bright kid with historically low sleep needs who just can’t fall asleep at night.
Anon says
Melatonin causes cells to release magnesium. The magnesium actually puts people to sleep. It’s found primarily green foods, so if your kid isn’t eating green vegetables (or kiwi! or avocado!) melatonin doesn’t help.
There are some limited studies about smart kids and low sleep, but the general conclusion is that those kids start sleeping well when they go to school and get enough brain stimulation. If an elementary school student isn’t sleeping well it’s probably not that they’re so smart, but that they’re not doing enough physical play.
Anon says
This isn’t true. Magnesium is also helpful for sleep and they’re often taken in combo, but melatonin is a hormone that’s released by your brain that tells you it’s time for sleep. If you don’t produce enough naturally or produce it at the wrong times, taking it in synthetic form can be really beneficial for sleep separate and apart from any magnesium effect. I don’t eat many vegetables and while melatonin doesn’t knock me out like a sleeping pill it definitely helps me get in that drowsy and ready to sleep state. I have a biological clock that’s naturally much longer than 24 hours and the melatonin is useful for helping me reset from my own internal “jetlag” and go to sleep at the appropriate time. It’s worth a try, at the very least. (And if the concern is kid not getting enough magnesium through diet, I would think the answer is a magnesium supplement, not avoiding melatonin?)
Anon says
I didn’t say avoid melatonin. I said melatonin causes the release of magnesium which causes sleep. Upping melatonin if the underlying issue magnesium won’t fix the problem.
And while side effects of low doses of melatonin are rare, they’re real and include anxiety and low blood pressure. Making sure it’s not magnesium first seems responsible.
Anon says
I’ve seen several different doctors about sleep-related issues and have never heard that melatonin only works by releasing magnesium or that it won’t work in people who don’t eat a ton of leafy green vegetables, and anecdotally that is not my experience as someone who doesn’t eat many vegetables but finds melatonin pretty effective. Do you have a source for these statements?
Melatonin is definitely not without potential side effects, but the side effects are not permanent and if they become a problem they can be stopped by discontinuing melatonin. Saying it’s not “responsible” to use melatonin without trying magnesium supplements first seems kind of anti-science and mom shame-y to me. If a medicine or supplement works effectively, parents shouldn’t be shamed for using it without trying every “natural” solution under the sun first.
Anonymous says
Why are you insisting that day care wake her up after 45 minutes? It doesn’t seem like cutting nap short gets you much more nighttime sleep.
In general, though, it just sounds like you have a night owl with low sleep needs. If she naps 2 hours at day care and sleeps 9 hours at night, that’s 11 hours total and it’s perfectly fine. I think the expectation that parents should have a couple of kid-free hours after kid bedtime is unrealistic in many cases. When our daughter was that age, she went to bed at around the same time as we did. We got up early and had a little time to get ready for the day before she woke up.
low sleep needs says
I asked them to wake her up early because she was not falling asleep until midnight if she sleeps two hours at daycare. 45 minutes seems to be workable because it does not seem to affect the bedtime too much.
I am not looking for kid free time at this point, just more concerned she is not sleeping enough. That said, I cannot function with a midnight bedtime because I do have to work all day.
Anonymous says
Ah, your original post made it sound like bedtime was 9:45-ish with or without nap, maybe 9:20 without nap. Midnight bedtime is not OK. Can you get day care to take away her nap completely?
No Face says
I agree with this. If she isn’t tired and cranky, she is getting enough sleep.
One change I would make is giving her more independence in the evening. I get my 4 year old ready for bed, then let her hang out in her room for a long time. I bought her an actual boombox and CDs so she can control music. Sometimes she watches her tablet. Other times she plays with dolls. After an hour or two, it’s books with Daddy and lights out.
Anon says
I would lose my mind without at least one post-bedtime hour, personally. If that works for you, great, but you’re a more patient person than I am.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I think it comes down to naps. We had to cut our then 4 year old naps out because he wasn’t going to sleep until 9:30/10 on the worst days. Now, he doesn’t nap and he’s asleep at 7:20 (still wakes up at around 6, but we’re resigned to both of our kids being early birds). It’s amazing to have our nights back again. Will daycare really make her nap? Or do they just need the kids to be quiet for nap time? Can they give her some activities to do then?
Anonymous says
My experience with a resistant napper is that day care can’t actually make them nap. If they are tired and need a nap they’ll fall asleep, but if they truly don’t need a nap then they will just stay awake no matter what. Allowing alternate activities can keep a kid who might need a nap awake, but forcing all the kids to try to nap is not going to make a kid who isn’t sleepy take a nap.
Anonymous says
Yep. My daughter hasn’t napped at daycare since she was 2 even though they’ve tried everything including bribing her with stickers (which I don’t love). Admittedly she’s pretty strong-willed, but girlfriend is not napping if she doesn’t want to nap. She sleeps ~13 hours at night so it’s not a question of low sleep needs, she’s just done napping and no one can make her nap.
octagon says
This was (is) my kiddo – some kids just need less sleep. Daycare naps were the devil after 3 years for us — if he slept at all, he’d be up past 10. It was so frustrating because I needed to go to bed, but then I had literally zero downtime. We finally introduced “quiet time” in bed — we do the bedtime routine around 8, then the lamp stays on and kiddo can have quiet reading time by himself. If he gets out of bed or is unruly, the light goes off. We go in and turn the lamp off around 9, at which point he’s had 45 minutes or so to wind down solo. It took about a week or so of very firm boundaries to establish this new routine, but now it works wonderfully. And even if he is still awake after 9, he is quiet and mama gets her downtime.
AwayEmily says
We do something similar. 3yo and 5yo both go to bed at 7:45, but have Munchkin owl lights and can read as long as they want. 5yo (who no longer naps) is asleep immediately, but 3yo is often up for at least an hour.
Anon says
+1. My kids also have always been on the lowest end of the recommended sleep ranges, and dropped naps right after 2. I solo parent most of the week, so this was especially awful for me.
To preserve my sanity and alone time, we also do the quiet time. They have to be in bed by 8 (they wake up at 6:15), but then they can read (or “read”) in bed as long as they want. They have Boon Nightlights and a sound machine, but otherwise lights are completely off and they can’t get out of bed. They get one chance each to call out for us.
I introduced it on a Friday night and specifically said they could stay up ALL NIGHT if they wanted to, but they had to stay in bed with the room lights off. I let them sleep until say, 7 the first morning, but then after that I woke them up at the regular time. They were super tired for a week or so, but finally drifted into a normal pattern for them.
Now at ages 7 and 5, they are sometimes up until 9 or even 10, but then self-regulate and fall asleep earlier the next night. But I don’t care because I have my alone time starting at 8 and still only go back once per kid, if that.
Anon says
My 3YO is also low sleep needs. She dropped her nap at around 2.5 and sleeps on average 10 or 11 PM to 8AM. It’s so hard. No advice, just commiseration. The other day *I* had had enough and I put her to bed early at 9PM and read to her from a chapter book in the dark with her eyes closed for an entire freaking hour and when I stopped she popped up like a jack in the box wide awake, not even drowsy. We’ve discussed with her doctor who is not at all concerned, as she seems well-rested, happy and generally developing and growing as expected.
low sleep needs says
Thanks for the commiseration. I have experienced the popping up like a jack in the box too. People who have kids that sleep more have told me just put her to bed earlier. My husband said, then we will be in the room reading and coaxing to sleep for 2 hours instead of 1. Its a special kind of hell for me, because I’m not a night person. I wake up at 6 naturally and have my alone time in the morning, I am not asking for her to sleep more so I can have a party or even watch tv, as I hit the hay right after she does.
Anonymous says
People with high-sleep-needs kids will try to convince you that resisting bedtime is a symptom of too little sleep and means that you should keep nap and put them to bed even earlier. Ha! I think total elimination of the nap is your best bet here if you don’t want to be up until midnight.
Anonymous says
With an 8:00 wake up time that bedtime doesn’t look too off! Many kids are waking more like 6:00 and going to bed more like 8:00.
Anonymous says
Some kids are just low sleep needs, we have twins and one has always needed aboot an hour less than his brother. He went from 3-2 naps sooner and 2-1 as well. It’s fair to insist she stay in bed to rest her body after a certain time (say 8:30pm), she can look at books quietly with a low light.
GCA says
Oof, sorry. Like someone else said, you have a night owl with low sleep needs. If she’s happy and growing, it’s normal…sorry!
I have a lark with low sleep needs. It’s become easier as he has gotten older, for two reasons: he is more able to just play quietly on his own (around age 4-5 it was Legos and now it’s paper planes and I cannot wait till he learns to read independently), and kindergarten tires him right out, so sleep is 8pm-5.30 or 6am. The difficult part is letting go of your resentment of other people who have sleepers. Also, if there is a mismatch between her sleep needs and your general sleep + life needs, alternate which parent has bedtime duty so that you are not both burning your entire evening.
Pogo says
So I will dissent, I thought this was my kid, but then we hired a sleep consultant. She told me he would go to sleep between 7 and 7:30 on nap days and by 6:30 on no-nap days. I laughed in her face (on zoom). We were regularly seeing 9:15-9:30.
With the caveat that it’s only been a few days, things are looking up. I swore I didn’t need to pay someone to teach me how to get my kid to sleep, but it has helped. They give you a plan. You track your kid’s sleep and they make suggestions on what to do. Mine texted the play by play with me on our first night.
I do agree, and so does the sleep consultant, that kiddo probably needs to drop the nap. They get in a vicious cycle of going to bed late, sleeping a little later than they maybe should, and then making it up at nap. That’s what mine was doing and capping the nap wasn’t buying us much in the evening. We basically needed a hard reset of an early bedtime to get him back on track.
I’m making it sound easy but there was a lot to the plan and it is NOT easy. A lot of ours was behavioral, so focusing on that is what helped us the most.
Anon says
no magical ideas, but while as a parent having a child with low sleep needs is a huge huge pain, it will serve her so well as an adult and later in life – i feel like certain jobs/professions are a better fit for people with low sleep needs. i’m someone with high sleep needs, which sometimes makes adulting hard (i get sick, become extremely moody/irritable and basically cannot function). so she’ll be very successful as a high school/college student!
Clementine says
I know it is late, but… 100% this! I say as a woman who is currently reviewing staff work product and still planning on waking up with kids a couple times during the night… plus waking up for the day around 5AM…
My mom swears I wouldn’t sleep as an infant, I used to stay up late reading/listening to books on tape as a child because I couldn’t fall asleep… now as an adult the ‘secret’ to being able to work full time, solo parent 3 kids, and work out 5 days/week is that I only need 4.5 hours of sleep to function, 6 hours of sleep for ‘baseline’, and can make it on 2.5 hours as long as it’s not for more than 2 days in a row…
Anonymous says
So, anecdata only, my child at that age kept a similar bedtime till we forced him to drop nap altogether. When napping was sporadic, he kept the same late bedtime. Even a sub-30 min nap was a problem. A few weeks into no nap at all and his bedtime was more like 7-7:30 with a 6:30-7 wake up.
Vinegar in the washer says
Hi All. I need to run a cycle in my washing machine with vinegar with a particular piece of clothing that has a mildew smell. The washer is a front load LG. Do I put the vinegar where the detergent goes or just put it in with the sweatshirt? Has anyone done this before? Thank you!
Clementine says
I put it in the bleach compartment.
Also – sun it if you can to get more of the mildew smell out.
Anonymous says
Do you use detergent the, too, or no detergent? Thanks!
Clementine says
I use detergent too.
Anon says
+1 also lay it in the grass. Sounds weird, but something about grass takes out all sorts of smells (possibly less effective in the winter, I suppose, if the grass is brown)
Anon says
I would add it in the pre-wash dispenser and use the soak/pre-wash setting.
Anonymous says
Thanks!
anne-on says
For extra gross things I do vinegar PLUS ammonia (and I always use washing soda). Vinegar goes in the bleach section, ammonia goes in with the laundry detergent.
Katala says
Hmm, I put vinegar in the fabric softener compartment and use the softener mode so it goes on separately from the detergent. The detergent is basic and vinegar acidic, so they cancel out each other’s type of cleaning properties (or so I read).
Daycare hours says
Have you daycare’s hours changed since covid? Ours is still on reduced hours and I’m wondering if we are ever going back.
Anonymous says
I think a lot of businesses are going to take the pandemic as an opportunity to permanently curtail hours and services while at the same time raising prices. As long as demand for day care spots exceeds supply, there will be no reason for day cares to go back to normal operating hours.
Anonymous says
Our daycare has normal operating hours, except they request parents pick up 15 minutes early so they have more time to clean (but it’s a request, not a mandate). But I’m starting to think that a lot of the other precautions, like no parents in the classroom, are around for the long haul. This is on my mind because my 3 year old randomly burst into tears at drop-off this morning and asked why I can’t take her into the classroom anymore. It’s been over a year since I brought her into the classroom (and it was a different classroom) but I guess she just had a memory of it and got sad. This is a kid who has always had super easy drop-offs so it was a real bummer.
Clementine says
Mine is reduced and I was just thinking that this morning. Normally 7-5:30, now 8-5. I really miss being able to do a 7:30 drop-off and be working before 8… Or take a 4:30 meeting knowing I could pick up the kiddos after.
Anonymous says
Yes, ours now closes at 6 instead of 6:30 (and really wants us to pick up by 5:50). No idea if/when they will go back.
HSAL says
Oh that’s rough. Ours was closed for a couple months, then came back with shortened hours that stuck around for another month or two? The worst part of reduced hours was it meant ALL the parents were trying to do dropoff and pickup in the same 15 minutes. It was awful. I’d try talking to them about it, or maybe even looking for another daycare if it’s impacting your life a lot.
AwayEmily says
Ours used to be 7:30 – 5, now is 8 – 4. I know, ridiculous — it’s a university daycare so many parents’ hours are a bit more flexible but still, 4pm is tough. I will say that dropoff and pickup is WAY faster than it used to be, though.
Anon says
Oof! Our university daycare is still 7:30-5:30. My kid usually attends 8:45-5:15 and is frequently the first dropped off and last picked up but I don’t think many people are getting their kids before 4:30. 4 pm close would be so tough for university staff, who have less flexible schedules and generally have to be available for meetings through 5 pm.
Jessica May says
Most around me are too, including ours because they cannot combine classes/cohorts at the beginning and end of day like they used to. Staffing a full day given that restriction (plus extra cleaning time) would result in really long days for staff and increased costs. I don’t think anything will change until our public health and licensing guidelines change.
Pogo says
Yep. I lost a whole hour. But somehow I still have to work the same amount! Which was always more than daycare covered!
DH and I trade off. It’s the only way.
AwayEmily says
Recommendation for a terry robe for a 5yo? I’ve found lots of soft fleece ones but fewer post-bath options.
Anonymous says
Linum Kids brand is great.
Anon. says
I bought this one 3 years ago and it is awesome. Seems to be out of stock but in the “Similar Products” there are some highly-ranked similar ones. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01860Z10E
SC says
DH and I received the vaccine on Saturday evening, off a wait list. This morning, I woke up with a huge sense of relief, the sun shining through my window, and sounds of birds outside. I felt so much hope for the first time in a year.
Anonymous says
Hooray!! Dh and I are maaaaaybe getting it this week!? We’re not officially high risk or essential workers and we’re not yet eligible in our state but we pre-registered with a local pharmacy and they contacted us over the weekend and said they have slots for us this Wednesday. I guess it’s sort of like an advance waitlist? I’m trying not to get my hopes up because I think there’s some chance we’ll get turned away for not being eligible, but oh my god if we get it this week I will cry tears of joy. I think it’s J&J (the “bad” vaccine) but I don’t care – it will be such a relief just to be vaccinated.
Anonymous says
Why did you pre-register if you’re not eligible? This sounds sketchy. I get it, I want it too, but the guidelines (even if imperfect) are designed to get the doses to people who need them the most.
Anonymous says
Our state system allows you to pre-register regardless of eligibility. You are supposed to be called when you become eligible.
Anonymous says
Anyone is allowed to pre-register! It was in the local newspaper “pre-register now at the X pharmacy and they will contact you when it’s your turn for the vaccine!” So we did. We were honest about our birthdays and lack of CDC underlying conditions. I assume they don’t have enough eligible people registered (their registration system is separate from the state’s for some reason) so they are moving on to non-eligible people? I want the vulnerable to have first access too, but isn’t it better we get it than doses go to waste? We didn’t lie or do anything “sketchy.”
Anonymous says
Huh. That seems weird to me since everyone else I know is reporting that there are 100,000 or more eligible people in front of them on their state’s similar “waiting lists.” Why would your state not have enough eligible people? And yes, of course the doses shouldn’t go to waste – I just highly doubt that it’s time to move to non-eligible people unless the rollout is being badly mismanaged in your state.
Anonymous says
This pharmacy has a separate system that the state. I don’t know why. But i think a lot of people don’t know to register with this pharmacy and are just using the central state registration system where the majority of appointments are. I don’t think they’re “moving on” to non-eligible people officially – I think they just have some appointment slots that aren’t filled (the ones we got are weird times) and are offering those to other people on the pre-registration list. We pre-registered early so I assume we’re basically first in line on the waiting list. I don’t feel like it’s that different than getting leftover doses?
Anonymous says
She’s not doing anything wrong. She is playing by the rules of a broken system.
Anonymous says
And my state doesn’t have a central waiting list of eligible people because there’s basically no wait time for currently eligible people. I just checked and if you’re officially eligible you can book an appointment today at one of several sites around my county.
I think states have one of two issues with this vaccine rollout: 1) they expand eligibility too fast and lots of very vulnerable people can’t get appointments for months (like New York) or 2) they expand eligibility slowly and carefully, so people can get appointments quickly as they become eligible, but then you have pharmacies that can’t fill appointment slots because there aren’t enough eligible people who want the vaccines. My state is in the latter situation. I expect them to expanded eligibility again this week because I think they’ve saturated the market of currently eligible people, but until that expansion there seems to be a surplus of vaccine.
Jeffiner says
Yup, my county asked for everyone who was interested to sign up, regardless of which phase we’re in, so they could make a long term plan. They then sent groups of signups to different clinics, pharmacies, etc. I have no idea how they made the decisions on who gets an appointment and who doesn’t, but the people getting vaccinated cover the whole spectrum of eligibility. Maybe some clinics are more efficient than others? If they asked me, I’d have a lot to say about their organization, but they don’t want my opinions, they only want me to show up for my scheduled appointment.
Pogo says
Every state is totally different. MA had this thing for awhile where if you were taking an elderly person to get their vaccine you could get yours. I think they stopped because they found out randos were taking someone who was not Grandma just so they could get the vaccine, but it never really said anywhere you had to be related, plus all I heard was complaints about how the 80 year olds couldn’t work the website, so wouldn’t it be a good thing if a millennial helped them?
Anon says
The “bring a 75 year old and get a vax!” thing was soo hilarious to me. I don’t live in MA but went to college and grad school there so I have a bunch of friends there and some of them indeed get a vaccine by bringing a random elderly person in.
Anon says
In my state, every adult was encouraged to pre-register a couple months ago. It helps the state know how many people want the vaccine and what categories those people fit into. My family pre-registered, along with most people we know. I know several young, healthy, non-essential people who have gotten the vaccine already because their number came up off the pre-registration list when there was a last minute appointment available. I also know a college student who was offered the vaccine while grocery shopping because the store’s pharmacy hadn’t filled their appointments that day. There’s SO much randomness inherent in this process and I don’t think people who win the vaccine lottery are doing anything wrong unless they’re being deliberately deceitful.
Anonymous says
Omg stop it is not a bad vaccine we cannot keep doing this.
Anonymous says
OK, how about “way less effective”?
Anonymous says
Nope! Also untrue!
Anonymous says
How about “tested under different circumstances than the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines, making it impossible to truly compare efficacy?” Oh yeah, and it’s logistically WAY easier to get people fully vaccinated, so still a really important arrow in the quiver even if it were apples-to-apples “less effective” (which, to be clear, we can’t really judge without controlling for the test environments).
Anon says
It’s probably slightly less effective at preventing symptomatic illness, but 72% vs 94% isn’t really that dramatic, especially when you consider J&J was tested against more variants. If the Johnson and Johnson vaccine had been the first to give a readout, we would have all been jumping for joy about it. That’s a damn effective vaccine. Fauci himself originally said 75 percent effectiveness was about the best we could hope for. We just got very spoiled by the 95% readout from Pfizer and Moderna. But they weren’t tested against the recent mutations and there’s quite a bit of evidence they’ll be less effective against some of them.
Anonymous says
To me, 72% v. 96% means that I am almost 5 times as likely to get sick with J&J than with one of the other vaccines. That seems like a lot.
Anonymous says
72 vs 96% is comparing apples to oranges, though. The J&J vaccine was trialed at a time and in places where the newer variants were circulating widely. The other two were not. It’s possible they are also not as effective against the new variants. To my knowledge there haven’t been new trials to establish one way or the other.
Anon says
Why are you ignoring everyone telling you that the vaccine trials weren’t an apples to apples comparison? J&J performed similarly against the new variants of concern. We don’t know if Pfizer and Moderna do and as someone who works in this field I would be surprised if they are much more than 80% effective at preventing symptomatic illness in the face of variants with the E484K mutation (aka the so called “South African variant”). The fact that Pfizer and Moderna are planning booster shots for this variant should tell you they don’t expect that 94% number to hold up to variants with this mutation. That doesn’t mean these vaccines are worthless even if those variants become widespread. They are phenomenal vaccines that almost completely prevent severe illness and do a great job (much better than annual flu vaccines) at preventing illness completely. Even 72% effectiveness is great (seasonal flu vaccines are as low as 25%). But it means that you and everyone else screaming “72 vs 94!!!!” don’t know what you’re talking about.
Also relative risk is pretty meaningless without talking about absolute risk. If your risk of something bad happening is .00001, you shouldn’t be very concerned about your risk increasing by a factor of 10. But if your risk of something bad happening is 10%, you’d probably be very concerned about the risk doubling. Your absolute risk of getting Covid and having serious complications like longhaul Covid or breathing problems that require hospitalization is low to begin with and much lower with any of these vaccines, so the relative risk doesn’t have the importance you think it does.
Anon. says
Untrue.
72% vs. 96% efficacy does not mean you are 5x as likely to get Covid while vaccinated. 72% efficient does not mean that out of 100 vaccinated people, 28 will get sick with Covid after exposure.
What 72% efficacy means is that under the study conditions, moderate to severe Covid cases were reduced by 72%. If 1000 people were in each of the study groups (placebo and vaccinated), and in the unvaccinated group, 100 got Covid during the study time interval, that number was only 28 in the vaccinated group. The RELATIVE risk of getting Covid was reduced by 72%. (For those who like math: 100/1000 is 10% occurence of Covid in placebo, 28/1000 = 2.8% in vaccinated group. Reduction of risk = 100% -28% = 72%.)
The absolute risk of someone getting Covid while vaccinated can only be studied under controlled exposure – basically the study would have to expose a participant with a dose of coronavirus that we know will cause moderate-severe infection in everyone in the placebo control group. Only then could it be determined what the absolute efficacy is. For obvious reasons, such a study is unethical.
Also, as others have rightly pointed out, JnJ studies were carried out taking mutant strains into account, and also, with just 1 single dose vs. Pfizers/Moderna’s 2 dose regime. For the mRNA vaccines, efficacy also seems to be around 80% after a single dose from what I remember reading – dang close to JnJ.
Signed and sighed, a microbiologist who will absolutely get JnJ if it becomes available.
Anon says
“Signed and sighed” is my new favorite expression! Thanks for that.
Anonymous says
If moderate to severe COVID cases were reduced by 72% in the J&J group and 94% in the Moderna group, that’s a difference of 24 percentage points. For example, if 100 in 10,000 in the placebo group would get the virus, then 28 in 10,000 would get the virus in the J&J group and 6 would get the virus in the Moderna group. Of course the vaccines weren’t tested directly against each other, but 28 is almost 5x as big as 6.
Anonymous says
I know it’s not a bad vaccine! That’s why I used scare quotes.
Anon says
Yay! I feel this way and I’m nowhere close to being vaccinated myself. I’m just happy for others because it’s helpful for everyone!
AwayEmily says
I got my second dose on Saturday and it was BRUTAL. I spent all of Sunday in bed with chills, fever, etc. Feel totally fine today, though, and it is more than worth it.
Anonymous says
My mom ran a 102 degree fever and was vomiting. It was ROUGH. But it only lasted about 24 hours.
SC says
I’m scheduled for my second dose on a Monday. I’m leaving my work calendar open on Tuesday in case I need to take PTO.
FWIW, my state does not have a centralized waiting list. Every pharmacy seems to handle their extra doses differently. I know of a Walmart pharmacy that schedules people in advance–I guess they know, we have X appointments, and we have to thaw X + Y doses, so they call Y people in advance. It’s in a rural area, so maybe that makes sense for them–there aren’t as many people who could arrive in 30 minutes. I’ve heard of a local pharmacist, at an independent pharmacy, just walking into the hair salon next door and offering 4 vaccines to people getting their hair cut. And some places have waiting lists, and nurses start calling at the end of the day. We got ours from a vaccination clinic run by a hospital, and it appeared there were 7 extra doses at the end of the day Saturday, unless some people were in and out before we arrived.
Anonanonanon says
Yes my second dose was ROUGH. If “mild” COVID is anything like that, i do not want it!!!
Anonymous says
Curious if you got Pfizer or Moderna if you’re willing to share? Anecdotally it seems like people have more side effects with Moderna but I’m getting Pfizer soon so maybe it’s just wishful thinking on my part.
SC says
It was Pfizer. I’ve read that, anecdotally, people who have had Covid seem to have stronger reactions to the first dose, and no reaction to the second. I never tested positive for Covid, but I’ve been working around people who don’t wear their masks in the office since May of 2020. About half the office has had Covid, as far as I can estimate. So it’s possible that I’ve had an asymptomatic case or a symptomatic case with a false negative. (I’ve gotten tested 3 times.)
A says
I got Pfizer. It definitely varies — my husband got his at the same time and he was mostly fine after the second dose, just a little more tired/achy than usual. The second dose of Pfizer didn’t affect my MIL at all.
AwayEmily says
Oops, that last comment was me.
Anonanonanon says
Our household got Moderna. My workplace was half moderna half Pfizer, side effects after second dose seemed comparable.
Anon says
I had an item with a mildew smell and an overnight soak in borax powder did the job. Not sure if vinegar will help enough if the mildew is strong. Borax is amazing.
Picture books that don’t suck says
I know we periodically talk about the children’s books we just can’t with anymore, but what picture books have you been enjoying lately? Not the ones that your kids demand endlessly, but the ones that you yourself find delightful, touching, or are generally happy to read?
For my part- We just discovered two Kenneth Kraegel books through our library- Green Pants (about a boy who only wears green pants and is faced with a dilemma when asked to be in his favorite cousin’s wedding) and King Arthur’s Very Great Grandson (about a six year old descendant of King Arthur, going in search of adventure- it makes us laugh every time).
Also – The Proudest Blue about sisters and hajibs.
What’s been making for happy family reading time for you?
AwayEmily says
I love “Sophie’s Squash,” about a little girl who becomes BFF with a squash.
Anon says
We’ve been reading Nate the Great with my 4YO which I really love. Only trouble is, since they’re mysteries, he’s less interested in re-reading than some of his other books, since the fun is in solving the mystery.
I’m always looking for more books for my 4YO lover of dogman, fly guy, and now nate the great. I’m also struggling a bit because he is not reading independently yet at all, but likes increasingly sophisticated and long chapter books; I’m never sure whether to stick with early readers or to read the more involved stuff and just be patient with his learning to read on his own.
Anonymous says
For reading aloud, definitely move on to more advanced books if he’s interested. Having to follow more complex stories will benefit his reading comprehension later on.
Cb says
Yes to more involved stuff. The vocabulary and use of language is just more interesting.
AwayEmily says
We are definitely on the “read them more involved stuff” side. My almost-5-yo is not even close to being able to read (I suspect she won’t learn until she goes to kindergarten) and she loves Zoey & Sassafrass, Sophie Mouse, My Father’s Dragon, and Mia Mayhem. She is NOT a fan of Magic Treehouse (tbh neither am I).
Anonymous says
Magic Treehouse is terrible. Its only redeeming quality is that it is very easy for new readers to read independently. My daughter devoured Magic Treehouse books for like a month when she first learned to read, then got bored with it and moved on.
Anon says
Yah, we read my 5-year-old the first five to get him into the series and will let him read the rest on his own. I want to a) save the easy readers, like this series, to help build his confidence and enjoyment of reading, and b) spend our read aloud time on good novels (and picture books) with more advanced language, plot and themes
Anon says
The Proudest Blue is great. My daughter brought home a book called Saturdays from the school library which was also nice – diverse characters/experiences.
ordering that King Arthur book now – my kids love Camelot related things!
Anon says
The ones I can think of off the top of my head:
Sofia Valdez Future Prez, Rosie Revere Engineer, Ada Twist Scientist
Marlon Bundo
Flash the Little Fire Engine
Curious George and Lllama Llama are ok and my kid loves them.
I hate reading kids books, honestly. I will be very, very happy when my child learns to read and we can snuggle up on the couch and each read our own book.
AIMS says
My current favorite is a House is a House For Me. It’s a little bit on the long side for my kids when they’re feeling restless but great at bedtime and I love everything about it – the poem, the imagery, the creativity…
Cb says
Oh, we have been enjoying Harry and the Dinosaurs, and my kid loves the audio before bedtime. My favourites, for stories and illustration includes Arlo the Lion Who Can’t Sleep, There is a Lion in the Library, Last Stop on Market Street, and a few gardening ones, which have really beautiful illustrations. And the Oliver Jeffers stories. I’ve also been enjoying the audio of the Dogger stories, there is something very sweet and resonant about them, we have a CD that we listen to in the car.
Anonymous says
Our library has a great program where you can request a random pack of 10 picture books (or early readers) when you check out. It’s aimed at mimicking the experience of browsing for books. We’ve gotten a lot of books we wouldn’t have requested to check out but are enjoying.
Current favorites:
Time for Kenny
Cork and Fuzz books (early readers)
Eyes that Kiss in the Corners
Flying High: the story of gymnastics champion Simone Biles
And Tango Makes Three
My favorite book to read is It’s Not Time for Sleeping, which is a wonderful bedtime book. I love the rhythm.
Cb says
Oh our library is doing this too based on interest. They’ll put together a pile of books for you.
OP says
I love this idea! I really miss being able to browse at the library or the bookstore to see what is appealing and appropriate and not too wordy for my own sake.
My method these days is to put random search words into the library catalogue (like “trees” or “cars” or “pants”) and hit “reserve” on anything that looks appealing from the thumbnails. It’s been very hit or miss.
octagon says
Thank you to whomever recommended the following picture books, they have all been hits in our house recently:
The Empty Pot
How to Code a Sandcastle
Tiny Perfect Things
Emma Kate
The Listening Walk
katy says
Based on recommendations here we have gotten very into Rabbit & Bear books. (longer than a normal picture book). “Kung Pow Chicken” was also a big hit (though i don’t love it).
A couple other picture books that we ALL still love (and I echo the comment from when I recently asked this question, that sophisticated picture books can be a lot more enjoyable than early “chapter” books):
The Magic Boat (Kit Pearson), Grandude (Paul Macartney – much better than i expected), anything Shirley Hughes, anything Oliver Jeffers, Grumpy Monkey, Miss Rumphius (the Lupin Lady), Seagull Sam, Spaghetti for a Yeti. My son loves Paddington too, though they are not my most favourite.
Anonymous says
We love Miss Rumphius! I didn’t know anyone else had heard of it. “You must do something to make the world more beautiful.”
Anon says
I’ve not only heard of it, I’ve met the author and have books signed by her! I spent my summers in Maine growing up and she would do readings at the local library and bookstore.
Anonymous says
It’s one of the most famous kids’ books!!! We’ve read it one hundred million times. That and Ox-Cart Man, also illustrated by Barbara Cooney.
Mary Moo Cow says
Dinosaur Lady, a biography of Mary Anning, was a recent huge hit for both my 3.5 and 5. year old. We also like Angelina Ballerina, Zen Ties, Zen Shorts, Zen Socks, all the Julia Donaldson & Axel Sheffler books, the Mercy Watson series, and (surprisingly to me, because I loved them as a kid but thought they might seem too old fashioned), the Strega Nona books.
Anonymous says
Posted above but we also love Dinosaur lady!
OP says
These are great suggestions and will be going on my library reserve list! Good to have some books that are grown up approved, not just kid indulgences.
I actually love picture books and will be sad when my kids age out of them. Though my oldest is 9 and she still reads them – sometimes to herself and sometimes to her younger siblings (4 and 1). She is moving on to chapter books, and I don’t find reading them out loud as immersive as a good picture book. Something about the when the visuals and language of a really good picture book come together is just really satisfying.
pregnant vaccine-seeker says
Can anyone point this Illinois resident to a resource for navigating vaccine sign-up? Illinois officially expanded eligibility to pregnant women last week but none of the Chicago-area counties are going along with the state order. I’m looking for a county or area that IS offering “Phase 1b Plus” appointments and is NOT explicitly limiting eligibility to residents of that county (I am not going to lie about my residency or misrepresent anything, but I do want to get in as soon as I can and am currently eligible under state guidelines, so willing to drive somewhere).
I know that typically county health departments are limiting to residents but most pharmacy chains are not, but I can’t figure out which counties/pharmacies have actually expanded eligibility to the state Phase 1b Plus. Any resources?
Anon says
Do you have a statewide hotline you can call? In Indiana we have 211 and they can help you schedule your vaccine if you’re eligible according to our state guidelines. Could you also just call the national pharmacies directly? Kroger, Meijer, CVS, Walgreens, etc are all part of the federal program and should have vaccines. I have not had trouble reaching them on the phone to ask questions about eligibility and appointment scheduling.
Anonymous says
Check out the Chicago vaccine hunters group on FB. Lots of resources there, plus even people who volunteer to help others find appointments. Good luck!
Anon says
Another book request thread! My 3 year old is doing a theater class next month (masks and distancing required). She is “spirited” and has a very big personality, and I think she will just love this class. So we’re psyched. But it’s superhero themed and she doesn’t really know anything about superheroes – any book suggestions about traditional superheroes or newer ones (e.g., Princess in Black?)
AwayEmily says
Mia Mayhem! You might also want to get one of those “five minutes stories” treasuries (I think they have them for DC and Marvel) — that will give her a good intro to all the well-known superheroes.
Anon says
Marvel did a collection of their female heroes called What Makes a Hero that covers a bunch of different kinds of heroes and has a lot of vaguely uplifting messages (as a pretty serious fan I think it could be better, but I also think it’d be a good introduction to a lot of heroes and types of heroes, like there’s the classic strong characters, but also science heroes, spies, etc.). As for the hero ethos, I’ve actually liked the Star Wars Golden Book, I Am A Hero.
She’ll probably need some sort of introduction to a few of the classics since I bet that’s what the class will focus on. I’d look for Golden Books about Wonder Woman, Superman, Batman and Spider-Man. (We have a Wonder Woman one and it’s good.)
Also the Laurie Berkner song, Superhero is a great song to get your kid into a heroic mood.
Anonymous says
Thanks for this. This morning my (male) 3 YO asked me what girl superheroes there were. I was like wonder woman, that one scarlett johanssen plays… catwoman*
*NOT allowed she is not a good guy.
Obviously i need to add some bench strength here.
Anonymous says
PJ Masks for a 3 y/o. The show and the books. my kids play Owlette and Catboy all the time.
Mia Mayhem is a great book but it’s a little old for a 3 y/o (my kids are 3 and 6 and my 6 y/o reads Mia books herself). Also DC Super Girls on netflix, or really…just let her go. Most 3 and 4 y/os like “superheros” and have never watched a single thing about them. I doubt it’s all that themed. Ladybug and Cat Noir is also popular around here but my 3 y/o is only into it bc my older one is.
My kids both do (masked, distanced) musical theater and it’s amazing. Only weird part is how muffled they all are and they are NOT practicing “project your voice” these days, ha!
Anon says
Yeah, I know I can just let her go without any prep, but she generally pays attention and participates better if she’s interested in the subject so I thought it might help to do a little reading beforehand. And it’s not like we have much to do besides read these days anyway. Thanks to all three of you for the great suggestions!
Anon says
There are DC Superhero board books that also teach things like colors and letters and such. But honestly the Netflix answer above isn’t too far off. Disney Junior has “Marvel Super Hero Adventures” aimed at the preschool set (episodes are like 3-4 minutes long) and that has captured my kids’ imaginations even more. Pair a few episodes of that show with the Playskool Heroes/ Imaginext figures – the ones that are like 4-5″ high – and she’ll be set.
Anonymous says
Sorry in advance for a highly personal topic, but this board seems to be cool with it. What do folks use to trim the hair ‘down there’? I could use a new strategy.
Anonymous says
beard trimmer / personal grooming kit for men. It’s basically an electric trimmer that is waterproof and can go in the shower. And a regular old razor for bikini line.
Uterine Polyp says
Has anyone had uterine polyps at all, or in the context of fertility treatments? Does the repair/removal require days surgery and anesthesia, or is it an office visit/procedure? And how long after recovery were you able to resume treatments?
I am waiting for the official diagnosis and direction from the doctor but trying to educate and brace myself. Curious what the experience might be like. Going down a path of internet searching is not helping. TIA.
OP says
And, fwiw, I’m about 1.5 years in to this round of treatments and 1.5 years were spent on DD a few years back, too. Endometrium/polyps have neverrrr been an issue. I think that’s why I’m so taken aback by this. Major curveball.
anon says
So I had one discovered during treatment that we never did anything about, and that was fine. So there can be lots of different pathways. I was also quite startled — I’d had a previous pregnancy from IUI, then when I came back for second I had a miscarriage and had to get some tissue removed. And after the procedure the nurse called and read off the pathology on the tissue and was casually like “oh, and there was some polyp tissue.” Which I low-key freaked out about because I thought that was going to be a big deal, but the doc said it was small and well-placed and he was unconcerned by the pathology results, so to do nothing. And I got pregnant on next cycle, so I guess he was right. But I do know there are several kinds with different implications, and I know other people who have gotten them removed. Outpatient, I believe. Uncomfortable but not debilitating, is the impression I got.
Been there says
Yes! I had to have one removed for IVF. It was an outpatient procedure under general anesthesia at the hospital. I went in in the morning and was home by mid-day. The recovery was not bad at all. I think I took the rest of the day off and went back to work the next day.
anon says
I had a uterine polyp removed, and now I’m pregnant!
The removal was done under general anesthesia, which I think is the most common way to do it. I got pregnant naturally after (and had never been pregnant before the removal, but I don’t know if that’s due to the polyp being there). Recovery wasn’t bad – I had mild cramping and bleeding for a few days. I did it on a Friday before a long weekend and was back in the office on the Tuesday, but I don’t react well to general anesthesia so it took about a week or two before I felt right in the head (I already knew this going in – had similar reaction after orthopedic surgery).
OP says
Thank you, and others. I had to have another surgery for a septate uterus prior to treatments in order to have DD. That surgery was “quick outpatient” but absolutely god awful brutal recovery. I had a catheter balloon for 5 days after and I couldn’t go to work for like a week. I have already been having major angst/flashbacks to that but it sounds like it’s not nearly as involved.
The frustrating part is I had a cavity exam in September as part of standard annual insurance work ups and everything came back all clear. I know they can grow quickly, but I’m just…. I don’t know. One part shattered, one part pissed off? We had to cancel this cycle 2 days out from transfer. I’m so very over it.
Anonanonanon says
Help! I married an introvert!
This used to be perfect- I could go out with friends and to hobbies and he could stay home and we could each recharge in our respective ways.
I’ve tried so hard to give him space during this and not make him responsible for filling my cup in the absence of the things I used to rely on, but my marriage is starting to feel like death by a thousand cuts. I seem to only find resources for extroverted people to cater to their introverted spouse, but how do I address MY needs?! I need conversation and affection! And, frankly, it’s humiliating that I have to ask for it! I’m really really trying to respect his boundaries but I’m nearing a breaking point of loneliness. Introverts- how can I address this without making him feel bad?
anon says
What you’re feeling now is how your DH feels moving about as a member of society in every other year except 2020.
I don’t want to be hard on you, but I do have to offer that perspective. Please also remember this isn’t a referendum on your marriage. What everyone has been doing is hard and very, very abnormal. Your DH couldn’t fully meet this need even if he were an extrovert!
So, yes, you probably need to speak up and tell your DH how much you need regular spurts of quality time with him. But also, you need to lean on your relationships with other people, whether it’s through zooms, phone calls, or a socially distanced coffee when the weather gets nicer. But don’t put this all on your introverted husband, who I assume is around your energy-draining kids all the time, too.
Anonymous says
I would argue that being cooped up at home is actually harder for introverts than normal life was, because our families never leave us alone and we are expected to fulfill all their needs. In ordinary times, OP could go out and get her socialization fix. Now it’s all up to her husband.
I used to have an office. With a door. And a husband who went to the gym and went out with his friends.
anon says
YUP. I am an introvert who is not having a great time, I assure you.
Anon Lawyer says
As an introvert, I don’t think that’s really true. Pandemic isolation sucks for EVERYONE. Being an introvert doesn’t mean you were going around thinking “hopefully I’ll just be confined at home for a year.” (I would DIE to get to sit at a bar by myself and read with a beer for an hour, but I also do want to see friends.)
Anonymous says
Same same same. Introverted as all get out and this year has been hard. I want to get away from my family but I also really miss close friends and even colleagues. I don’t miss parties with strangers but that doesn’t mean the pandemic is fun!!
anon says
I actually think we’re on the same page here. I do miss social gatherings that I get to choose. I’d love nothing more than to meet up with my friends right now. But I sure don’t miss the pressure to ‘perform’ extroversion on a very regular basis (mostly tied to work, not my personal life).
Anonymous says
Introvert here. Paradoxically, the more space you give him, the more energy he will have to give back to you. Back off even more and be strategic about when and how you demand attention. For me, a deep conversation at the dinner table is manageable unless I’m sleep-deprived and exhausted, but after dinner I’m just done. Can you connect with friends and family on line, without him? My husband has been texting and video chatting frequently with a group of friends and it’s great because it gives him some of the interaction he craves while at the same time giving me some guilt-free alone time. You’re in law school, right? Can you set up an on-line study group? Can you plan some shared experiences that are more passive and don’t require him to talk so much, like watching a show or a movie or playing a simple game? My husband and I have a show we often watch together when he wants to hang out and I don’t want to talk.
This may not apply because I believe you and your husband have similar jobs, but also consider whether the intensity of work is using up his capacity. My job is complex, intellectually demanding, and draining, whereas my husband has been bored at work as of late. I also handle all the household tasks that require brainpower and human interaction (homework help, planning, figuring out how to fix stuff, taxes, etc.). He does the repetitive brute force chores. His idea of a good time is watching a Ted Talk-style speech or a documentary and then discussing the revolutionary new concept he’s discovered. By the end of the day my brain is totally fried, and all I want to think about is food. I also find pop social science annoying because I am an actual social scientist. He frequently gets his feelings hurt because I don’t want to talk about his videos.
Do the kids follow him around and overwhelm him with touch? My kid is a bit older but still demands to be hugged or to sit with me all. the. time. and it’s exhausting.
All of this goes to say, you need to find some middle ground. If your husband isn’t getting the recharge time he needs, he won’t have anything left to meet your needs. The best way to handle it would be to get it all out in the open and agree on what each of you is able to offer for the good of the partnership, without demanding more than either party has to give.
Anon says
Introvert here, so I’m admittedly biased towards your husband’s perspective but your statement “This used to be perfect- I could go out with friends and to hobbies and he could stay home and we could each recharge in our respective ways” makes me think you are using him to replace some of your prior social contact with friends, colleagues, hobbies, etc. Obviously it’s not unreasonable to want conversation and affection from your spouse, but I don’t know that it’s reasonable to expect more of it just because the pandemic has taken away other social outlets. Can you meet friends for masked, distanced outdoor activities? Or at least chat with people over the phone or videochat? Find a way to do your hobbies in a covid-safe way?