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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Minnie says
Does anybody send their kid to a grandparent’s house for the whole summer? My son is only 1.5, so this is extremely hypothetical at this point. My in-laws live in Europe, my MIL doesn’t work, and she would love to be able to spend a couple months with him each year. I picture me/my husband flying over with him in June, and my MIL bringing him back in late July/August. It seems to me that 7 or 8 years old being an appropriate age to start doing something like this, although I’m sure it’s personality-dependent. Anyone tried something like this? Any problems with this plan I’m not seeing? Is my age estimation right? It would just be nice to think that once he starts school at age 4, I’d only have to figure out three to four years of summer childcare…
Anon says
I think it’s kid-dependent. I would have been pretty hysterical if my parents did this, and I can’t see my 8 year old handling it well either. She’s unenthusiastic enough about us all visiting them for 2 weeks because she wants to be at home with her friends. 2 months in Europe sounds like a dream to most adults, but a lot of kids would rather be living in a boring Midwest town if it means they could be doing the activities they like and hanging out with all their friends.
Anon says
This is an important point. My husband grew up in an ex-pat family and lived in Asia from 7th grade until high school graduation. He did so much amazing travel at a young age, but old enough to learn from it and remember it. We met in college. He was so jealous of my high school years. I was shocked. I lived in a small town, worked at a diner, drove a crappy car and spent my weekends/summers at the movies, sneaking beers, making out. Basically, every teenage movie. His complaint is a little different from your situation as he was jealous I had a “home town” to go home to and that everyone is back around Thanksgiving (at least in college) where his friends and family were scattered around the world. But it’s also a reminder that what kids want is really simple and very different from what adults want. Being away from my friends all summer would have definitely been hard. Probably harder than being away from my parents all summer.
Minnie says
It’s ironic that I’m thinking about this now because I HATED being away from home at that age. I was a total home-body. We traveled A LOT and it drove me crazy. I just wanted to relax in my own house! My son, though, is already very different from me (if we weren’t lookalikes I’d think he’d be switched at birth), so I am waiting to see how his personality develops.
Anonymous says
I think the friend issue is really key. It is hard to imagine now but in a couple years your child’s friends will be extremely important to him. My almost 7 year old son loves spending time with his grandparents and often spends a week with them in the summer (starting at age 5), but I would hesitate to send him to their house for weeks unless I knew he would have regular opportunities to spend time with other kids. Summer camp is weeks with other kids, so I think it is a little different.
Anonymous says
Someone hinted at this below, but are there cousins nearby that he’d be spending time with, too?
Minnie says
No, no cousins. I hadn’t even considered the other-kids angle.
Kart says
I’d add that cousins aren’t a substitute for local, school friends that they spend all year with. The bonding that kids do during the summer is an important part of cementing and growing those relationships. If your kid is just absent for the entire summer, those friendships will weaken. Not saying that’s not a choice you can make, but it’s reality.
TheElms says
I never spent summers with my school friends as a kid. We traveled to much and I spent time with my grandparents who lived in another country. I’m sure I complained a bit as a kid, but the long term benefits of those experiences were totally worth it in my opinion and I’m glad my parents prioritized those things over my “friends” as a 7 year old.
avocado says
I think a whole summer at age 7 or 8 is a lot. My kid is super independent, and at age 9 a week with relatives was the most she could handle. I think it can actually be harder on kids to stay in someone else’s home than to go to camp for an equivalent period of time. At camp you can just be a kid; at Grandma’s house you have to be on your best behavior all the time.
Anon says
If your MIL doesn’t work, why not fly her to you for the summer and let her be the primary childcare provider with some camps, play dates, etc thrown in to give her a break? That seems way nicer for your kid than being shipped off to Europe for the whole summer.
Minnie says
This is basically what we’re doing now–since he was born, she has come and spent 6-8 weeks at a time. My FIL, though, runs his own restaurant and isn’t able to be away more than about 1 or 2 weeks a year, and never two weeks at the same time. Part of my motivation is that this would be the only way for my son to ever spend a substantial amount of time with my FIL.
Anonymous says
I’d start less extremely and see how it goes. Try two weeks. If everyone likes it, consider a month. Then six weeks. Then 8 weeks. I did this growing up for several years and it was incredible, but my parents didn’t just up and ship me off one day!
Mrs. Jones says
My son is 8 and I wouldn’t send him to a grandparent for the whole summer. He wouldn’t want to be away from home that long, and vice-versa. Also getting him back into our regular schedule and routine would be brutal.
AwayEmily says
A maybe relevant anecdote: My older half-sister spent every summer with us (~3 months), across the country from her mom starting when she was six. And yes, parents are of course different from grandparents — but on the other hand, her mom and my dad split up when she was a baby and she always lived primarily with her mom, so she only saw my dad at Christmas and for those three months over the summer. I’ve talked to her about it since and she said she loved those summers (I certainly did — I adored my big sister).
Anonymous says
Do your in-laws visit you a lot and know your son well? Because being put on a plane to a grandparent you barely know at age 7 or 8 seems like a lot. I had the most loving, kind maternal grandparents, but they lived across the country from us and I did not know them well at all. I had fun with them when they visited us or when my family visited them, but it would have really freaked me out to be sent to spend a whole summer with people who were effectively kind strangers. In my experience the only people who were close enough to their grandparents to enjoy something like this were the people who had local grandparents – and that defeats the purpose, I know.
FVNC says
+1. My almost-six-year old would love spending all summer with my parents. She adores them; I’m basically chopped liver when they’re around. But she knows them really, really well — we used to live in the same town, and now that we’ve moved, we still see them on average every six weeks. On the other hand, she would not be excited to spend time alone with my in-laws, who she knows pretty well, but only sees every two or three months. For one thing, there’s a language barrier (I assume that’s not the case with your kiddo and parents), and for another thing, she just doesn’t know them as well/isn’t as comfortable around them. All that said, I’m planning on sending my kid to stay with my parents for a month or so next summer, assuming my mom is retired by then! So if your kid has a good relationship with his grandparents, it’s worth a short — for a few weeks at least, if not all summer. You’ve got time to start cultivating a good and close relationship!
Minnie says
Repost of a previous comment that got eaten:
Very relevant question. The caveat is he’s only been on the planet for 18 months, but he LOVES this grandma. He asks to talk to her on video chat every night at dinner. I know his feelings might change, but if things continue the way they are I predict they will continue to be very close.
Minnie says
Very relevant question. The caveat is he’s only been on the planet for 18 months, but he LOVES this grandma. He asks to talk to her on Facetime every night at dinner. I know circumstances/his feelings might change, but if things continue the way they are I predict they will continue to be very close.
NavyAnon says
I spent two weeks at my grandparents and 6-8 weeks and sleep away camp every summer starting at 7 or 8, and the camp was mostly just because my grandparents had things to do…. so I would say it would depend on your kid but it seems like a good idea to me.
Pogo says
I think this is culture-dependent too. I have a couple of Asian and South Asian friends who have sent their kids to live with their mom (kiddo’s grandma) abroad for months at a time. In both cases it was actually when the child was really young so that mom could work. I would never have thought of doing this, but it seems to be more common in those cultures, so wanted to mention it.
Minnie says
Yes, my husband’s family is definitely part of a culture where grandparents are HEAVILY involved in grandchildren’s life. For me, grandparents, even in the same town, were sort of auxiliary to my life (a super fun place to go on weekends, the gathering spot for holidays, etc.). But in their community, the expectation is that grandparents see the grandchildren every day if possible. My husband grew up in a multi-generational household: his grandparents, his parents, and him and his siblings. So the dynamics and expectations are very different from my own WASPy background/community. But certainly not in a bad way.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
+1 – South Asian here, and yup. Can confirm that this was totally normal, not only for parents to work but for us to be able to bond with our cousins and extended family. Family and then family friends were always the priority over neighborhood/school friends. It built a great sense of community. Appreciate the cultural competence!
Anonymous says
Cultural competence is pretty nuanced in this situation–the kid’s cultural expectations might be different from the grandparents’, as he is growing up in the USA with a mom who describes herself as “WASPy.”
Anonymous says
This is obviously very kid dependent. At 9, I was sent to the US to stay with relatives whom I had met once to learn English. I was very excited for the new adventures, and although I was back home every summer, I adamantly refused my family’s “requests” that I return permanently and still live here. I’ve been extremely independent and self reliant since early childhood and still am. I flew back and forth alone, twice a year, starting at age 11. I hope to send my kid to stay with my family in the summers when he is old enough, though I definitely won’t force it if that’s not his personality or comfort level.
anon says
I would have LOVED to have spent my summers riding bikes and going to the pool with friends. The reality was that both of my parents worked full time and sibling and I weren’t really allowed to leave our house, our neighborhood was super hilly, there was no neighborhood pool, and I didn’t know any kids in my neighborhood. My mom is sort of an extreme introvert and wasn’t really interested in setting up playdates after she got home from a full day of work. So I loved going to my grandparents house (in a city 3 hours away, so not quite Europe) where there were usually some similarly aged cousins around, the pool was walking distance, and it was flat which is perfect for bike riding when you are a kid. I didn’t spend all summer there, but I was constantly begging my parents to go.
You’ll have to cross that bridge when you get there. Every child is different. Could you compromise by just having your child go for part of the summer? Or maybe you guys make a vacation out of it? Leave child with the grandparents and you and your husband can travel somewhere else in Europe?
Minnie says
We would go too, for the first couple of weeks–husband, kid and I would fly there, husband and I would spend two weeks. Kid would stay 6 weeks, then fly back with MIL and/or SIL, who lives near us in the US.
I just think when I was his age, I would MUCH rather have spent time with my family than in a series of summer camps, which will pretty much be the other option. Data point here is that I also preferred the company of adults to kids my age, so I understand my mileage may vary with him in terms of his preferences.
Kart says
I had to visit my non-custodial parent for several weeks at a time during the summer, and I was absolutely miserable without my mom. Sorry, kids need their moms, even up to elementary school age. Have MIL visit you.
Legally says
I have a friend who does this every summer. She has three children, ages 4, 7 and 10. The older kids go to Ohio for the entire summer (2.5 months), the youngest went for a few weeks starting at age 3.
The key is that they have cousins who live in the same town and they are constantly playing, going to the pool. No camps.
The parents visit once every 3 or 4 weeks for a weekend.
I am amazed at this set up. The parents meanwhile go on date nights, concerts, dancing, etc. in their home town. :)
AIMS says
Mr. AIMS did this starting at 7 and until he was 15/16 and loved it. He did it with a sibling so maybe that helped but he seriously talks about it so much and in such a loving way. I think one benefit that he got was having another set of parental figures to learn from – so he could see how there are different ways of doing the same thing. And he got to be very close with his grandparents, in a way that wouldn’t have been possible otherwise.
Emma says
I grew up visiting my grandparents in another country in the summer, but I didn’t do the whole summer – I think I did 2-3 weeks? I also had cousins my age over there and we were enrolled in day camp so my grandparents weren’t caring for me 24/7. I liked it, but would have been sad to be away for the whole summer. Sometimes my parents flew over or back with me, but I also was flying UM (unaccompanied minor) from a pretty young age and it was fine.
Anonymous says
I don’t know about the whole summer but I used to spend a week with my grandparents every summer. siblings and I each got a week there alone, and it was great…bith in terms of fun and building relationships with the grandparents. My son is going to Grandma’s house for a week this summer after finishing K. My preschool daughter might, too, just because she’s jealous and wants to do everything big brother does.
Since you have long trips involved, 2 weeks probably makes more sense to start, and then just gauge how it goes before planning for the next year.
Anon says
I’ll follow up at the end of the summer, but because daycare is closing (unexpectedly) the month before my daughter starts kindergarten, and we found out AFTER most daycamps in our area were full, she’s going to go to my parents for a few weeks this summer. I’m a little nervous, but she and my parents both seem to be okay with it. She’ll really only be there without me for about 10 days, since I’ll go, drop her off, then come back about a week and a half or so later to get her.
I signed her up for daycamps near my parents (one half week, one full week), to give her some socialization with other kids and to give my parents a break from entertaining her. If it goes horribly and she doesn’t do well away from me, then, I’ll just head back to my parents early and work from there.
If it works well, I can see it becoming a yearly thing, where she goes for a two or so weeks every summer.
I spent a few summers with my grandparents while my parents were traveling, I was 7 the first time, and I really missed my mom, BUT, I think a lot of that was because my grandparents were stricter than my parents, my parents took my baby sister with them, and I was worried they wouldn’t come back. My daughter adores my parents and vice versa, and they totally spoil her.
Minnie says
I look forward to hearing how this goes for you! I bet she will do fine. It sounds like she has a good relationship with your parents which, I suspect, is most critical to the success of schemes like these.
Anonymous says
I grew up going to another country and being taken care of by grandmother for the whole summer from age 7-16 because parents worked. I had my sibling with me and there were tons of cousins and extended family. Actually we’d spend most of the summer with mom’s mom but we’d also have to negotiate 2 weeks with dad’s mom across (international) town, and that was less fun because there were no cousins around and much more boring. But the experience was great for: 1) fluency in the language & culture of my family, 2) closeness of extended family relationships that would have been lost without that extended time, 3) fostering my independence – I couldn’t understand when my friends in junior high and high school were scared to do things like a DC school trip or a study abroad or even more basic things like buying movie tickets on our own. I was just more…worldly?
This was in the days before internet, so I also learned good old-fashioned letter writing, and my friends got a kick out of postcards from my “exotic” locale.
Sure, I missed my school friends, but this was just what I did in the summer.
Anonymous says
My single mom often shipped me off to my grandparents (4 states away) during the summer and for school breaks and weekends. I easily spent a couple months every year there growing up. My grandparents used to say that I was like their 5th child, and I feel like I had three parents – I was a very lucky little girl. My grandfather was very WASPy and stiff upper lip and all that, but he loved me fiercely, and my grandmother was in some ways the second mother I needed – more “present” than my mom who was always so worn out and frazzled from making ends meet.
My childhood with my mom was a bit jumbled because of our economic situation, but my grandparents’ home and their rituals are the ones I remember most. Evening news and Jeopardy, Grandma drawing a heart in peanut butter toast, Glenn Miller records during dinner, Grandpa on a story telling kick after dinner :)
I didn’t have cousins nearby, but I made friends with the neighbor kids and made frequent use of the pool and the library. I occasionally went to a tennis camp or something down there.
My grandfather died a couple years ago, and my employer was kind enough to let me work remotely for the last month of his life. He was home in hospice care, and I sat with the nurses and brushed his hair and fed him crushed up popsicles and consoled Grandma. None of my other cousins were there and only 2 of my grandparents’ 4 children were. It was the most natural thing in the world for me to be there – they were/are my immediate family.
Your child having MORE loving adult relationships in his life can never be a bad thing :) Start slowly and build up, but you’ll be giving him memories he’ll cherish for a lifetime <3
farrleybear says
I spent much of my summers at my grandparents (different state) between the ages of about 9 or 10 up until 12. That was kind of a sweet spot of being more independent from family/parents but also not obsessed with being with friends. For me that time ended right at 13:)
Mama Llama says
Maybe this is just because my oldest is preparing for kindergarten in the fall, and I’m in a very “My baaaaabieees! They’re growing up so fast!” kind of head space right now, but I really don’t think I would want to be apart from my kid for that long.
Mama Llama says
Whoops, this was for Minnie.
abracadabra says
I’m weaning my almost-1-year-old now and feel the same way. :)
Minnie says
I feel the same way! This is why I’m trying to think through this rationally with at least seven years’ lead time. The first time he gets on a plane without me, I’ll be the mom crying in the airport parking garage! Even if this doesn’t happen till he’s 20!
anon says
maybe it is just me, but does anyone ever find playing with their kids boring? i have 1 year old twins and typically do the afternoon/evening routine solo and I have about 4 hours with them between getting home and when they go to bed and sometimes I feel like 1-2 hours would be more than enough. we play, read stories, they eat dinner, put on pjs etc. play some more, but i find myself counting down until they go to bed so i can clean up all their stuff and then sit on the couch and veg…
Anonymous says
This got so much better for me as kiddo got older and her play became different.
Minnie says
Yes. So boring. People are shocked to hear me say this because I am very obviously completely obsessed with my son. I think the sun shines out his snotty nostrils. But playing is the death of me. When we have large blocks of time alone together, I always take him out to run an errand. He loves the grocery store, for example, so I can get the shopping done, he can be entertained, and I don’t have to watch him repeatedly dump all his blocks on the floor. Errands are probably a little trickier with two, though!
Anonymous says
I’m shocked that this is shocking to people. Yes, it can be boring! I’m 42. I don’t love trains/legos/make believe as much as a young child does. I find it especially hard to play at home where I can look around and see all the other stuff I want to/need to do; I do better out of the house.
Cb says
Yep, we need to be out and about. I can’t kill 4 hours solo at home but even a trip to the grocery store breaks this up.
Mama Llama says
Yes! Independent play is holiest of holy grails, if you ask me.
layered bob says
I don’t play with my children. I read to them a lot, and I facilitate their participation in what I am doing (cooking, laundry, writing notes, whatever) but I decided when my oldest was very young that it is not my job to play with them. Not on the playground, not at home, nothing. Play is the work of the child.
Kart says
Amen, well said.
OP says
they are actually decent at playing independently and do not require my attention at all times, though they do like me to be in the room (i used to be able to sneak away and run to the bathroom without them, but now they do not approve of that). any ideas for how to pass the time to make it more enjoyable? errands are kind of out. i even find taking them for a walk boring unless i am talking on my phone and i also feel like it is unfair for them to spend so much time strapped into their stroller. they aren’t walking yet (thank goodness). then of course, there are the moments where i am like “i can’t believe my kids are 1, i want them to be babies again…”
Jocelyn says
This of course varies by kiddos of course but my kids always like hanging out in the kitchen with me at that age while I cooked. Usually one of them would be destroying a cabinet while I did it but I don’t really mind since I get to cook and they get to have me close to them without actually having to play. I also usually try to fold laundry or something in the same room they are in, it’s terrible to say but I really don’t like playing for long periods of time and would rather get stuff done!
Pogo says
My kid actually LOVES the stroller because he gets to go out in the world! And see doggies! And babies (his term for any child under the age of 5 approx.)! I figure he spends 9-10 hours/day at daycare running around like a banshee, like 45 min strapped into a stroller is nothing. If I’m solo and looking for stimulation, I’ll listen to a podcast while we stroll. Sometimes I talk out lout to my son even though he doesn’t really get it (“What do you think Daddy is doing right now in Germany? I bet he’s having a beer with his work friends!” etc).
At that age, peekaboo and hide n seek were huge hits (Still are, in our house) and the giggles are contagious. It’s hard not to smile at how excited they are. But yeah, I don’t think anyone is going to say playing with a toddler is the most intellectually stimulating thing ever.
Anonymous says
This gets better with time, seriously even by 16 months you may notice a huge difference. And walking actually made things WAY easier for us. Even at 16 months we’d just take my daughter in the backyard and she’d Do her slide over and over. And water tables are a life saver!! I foster independent play as much as possible, but now will play with my daughter if she explicitly asks “mommy play”. For the stroller walks – have you tried podcasts?? DD is only 26 months but already aging out of the stroller, but i love podcasts for a 45 min walk if she tolerates it. We can also take actual walks with her walking now even if they’re super slow. And in a year when your kids will most likely be talking a lot things get more interesting
ElisaR says
um yeah. i do too.
Mrs. Jones says
YES.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Absolutely. My 3 year likes to do the same thing over and over again, which can be fun the first time, but then I find myself wanting to check my phone or do something else.
I don’t think this is strange or there’s something wrong with you. I mean, it’s a modern phenomena for parents to actually play with their children, isn’t it? I won’t say that we had a second just to give DS1 a playmate but I won’t say that it wasn’t a factor…
Em says
I found that it got better as he got older, but I can still only do it in short bursts. My son is 3 and I can spend 10 minutes playing legos or playdough or playing with the water table with him and then I get bored, but that is usually enough for him and then he is happy to play by himself (which is a good skill for him anyway). I would much prefer taking him to do something like the zoo, the pool, or a kids gym. Outings are more interesting for both of us to spend time together and I view “playing” as something he primarily does independently.
anon says
Yup. I leave the playing to daddy.
Kart says
I mean, of course. You’re an adult. I don’t think you should pressure yourself to play with them. First of all, you gave them the gift of built in playmates in each other! And I also think it’s healthy for kids to recognize that adults and children do and enjoy different things, and that’s okay. I’m not saying ignore your kid, and yes read to them, but don’t force yourself to be down on the floor playing tea party for hours on end.
Knope says
This gets SO much better with time, as they learn to play independently and their play gets more complex. “Playing” with a one year old really means entertaining them – it’s not much of a two-way street at that point. It is a lot more fun, and less draining (because you don’t have to pay attention 100%) when you are engaging with them and you don’t have to drive the activity!
Anon says
Yes! I have a 17-month old and I really struggle with playing with her. We typically have 3-4 hours in the evening alone together before she goes to bed (DH travels a lot) and it sometimes (usually) feels like a slog to get to bedtime. Errands are GREAT about breaking time up. We also will go to the park, even if it’s just for 45 minutes to burn off some energy and kill some time. She loves being her stroller and going out and seeing what’s going on in the world, so that helps. I’ll also take out 5-6 toys at a time and scatter them around her room to try to facilitate some level of independent play, so she can just bop around from one thing that captures her attention to the next. This tactic can buy me 10-15 minutes of peace (if I’m lucky!).
I’ll read to her whenever she asks and I’ll gladly play dance part/chase/hide & seek, but beyond that, I’m pretty much mentally yawning during playtime. My husband and our nanny are both really great at playing with her, so I tell myself it doesn’t matter as much if it’s not “my thing” because there are lots of other people in her life that can fill that need for her.
Mama Llama says
Omg, the hobby discussion has been re-started on the main site, this time regarding spending 10 weeks sailing to Alaska with toddlers. I don’t know why I have such a strong reaction to this conversation, but I kind of want to punch a wall.
avocado says
The OP on that thread made me angry too, implying that “able-bodied” parents whose children don’t have special needs are wimps if they don’t feel capable of taking a 10-week sailing trip. Nobody with a real job, kids or not, can take a 10-week vacation.
Anonymous says
Eh, I don’t really agree. She acknowledged that those people are very privileged and I don’t think the OP or anyone else was suggesting that 10 week sailing vacations are the norm. Her point was that it was an interesting article about how to involve your kids in your hobbies (taking as a given that, for these people at least, 10 week sailing trips are their hobby. Obviously that’s not the case for most of us.)
Wow says
I think people are getting way too much up in arms over this. I wouldn’t want to have my two kids on a boat for 10 weeks but good for them for doing it! Why does everyone feel like they are personally being judged because they don’t do that? The OP was just pointing out an example (albeit an extreme one) of a family that has embraced the idea of incorporating their kids into their hobbies and vacations.
Anonymous says
Exactly. I wouldn’t want to go on a sailboat for 10 weeks (or even one week) with my one toddler, but I don’t feel personally judged by reading a story about someone who did. Good for them, not for me. I didn’t read the OP on the main s!te as judgy either. It was like “here’s a cool story about some parents who did something really adventurous with their kids!”
Mama Llama says
That made me angry too. It felt like a caveat that the only reasons someone couldn’t do this are actual poverty or a child with a disability.
Anonymous says
You’re really looking to be offended here.
Anonymous says
Yeah the post seemed like, if you at all can, you SHOULD be doing this otherwise you are lacking as a human being. But I have no desire to go on an extended sailing trip, with or without kids. I don’t like being cold or wet. I would rather go to a library or museum, where the only danger is whether I will strain my shoulder from my tote bag being too laden with books. This does not make me a bad or boring person or parent.
Anonymous says
Lots of people can travel for 10 weeks at a time – teachers, professors, people who do seasonal work, people (including some doctors) who do shift work and can trade shifts with someone else, people who own their own businesses, people who work for companies based in foreign countries where extended time off is more common, people who can work remotely (the author says she is a biologist and writer, so the trip and the subsequent article she wrote about it was probably paying work for her). Honestly, it seems way more myopic and privileged to insist that nobody with “real jobs” can do this. It just shows you have a very narrow view of what “real jobs” are.
Anonymous says
So, I haven’t totally followed along on these threads. But, did this all start because someone was annoyed with their husband for golfing on the weekends? How did it morph into this?
Em says
I think because someone suggested that the husband should just take their children on a 6-hour golf outing.
Kart says
Basically people addressing the general question of whether parents have to “give up” their hobbies when their kids are young. Someone without children made the suggestion that rather than give up hobbies, people should just incorporate their kids into said hobbies. Actual parents replied with the various ways in which kids cannot be incorporated into actual adult hobbies. It appears that the example of a couple taking a ten-week sailing trip to Alaska has been raised as a counterargument, notwithstanding the fact that this situation is so wildly unusual that the New York Times wrote a feature article about it.
Anonymous says
You’re really mischaracterizing this. The person who shared the artilce didn’t say “oh take your kids sailing in Alaska for 10 weeks, it’s so easy, just look at these people!” She said “those of you who want to incorporate kids into your passions might really like the article and how it deals with the balance of identity and parenthood” and “I actually really liked how it wasn’t presented as an “Instagram moment” – the author spent like half the article describing the toddler challenges.” It was a much more nuanced post than you’re describing, and I thought the article itself was a fascinating, well-written read. I don’t understand the extreme amount of defensiveness here.
Anonymous says
(And I say this as someone who would never take my kids on a 10 week sailing trip. That sounds exhausting to me. But I still enjoyed reading about someone else doing it, and the perspective she had on incorporating your kids into your hobbies.)
Anonymous says
Agreed!
Pogo says
I don’t know why, but this whole discussion doesn’t bother me at all. I have no desire to take my kid on a 10 week sailing trip, but I guess that’s true of my pre-kid self too. And husband and I have no problem switching off hobbies that really aren’t kid-friendly (golf being one of them – my nephew at 8 is still barely able to do 9 holes, and I don’t think that’s enjoyable for anyone). The only reason I’d be annoyed is if I never got to do my hobbies.
Also 6 hours is the slowest round of golf ever. He definitely stopped at the bar too.
Lyssa says
Same here, but that’s my take on most of these things that boil down into someone being (arguably) judgmental. Even if they are, so what? I respectfully disagree. It’s not like I’m dying for the approval of some stranger on the internet.
LittleBigLaw says
I wrote a comment on the main site and then deleted it because I just can’t with this discussion anymore. Take your kid to Antarctica or hand them a juice box while you fold (another!) load of laundry this weekend. Either option is valid and doing the latter doesn’t mean you’re not “trying” enough. Motherhood. Is. Not. A. Competition. Ugh.
Anonymous says
I don’t think motherhood is a competition and I don’t think I’m inherently better than people who don’t travel with their kids. But I’ll admit I don’t have a lot of patience for moms who whine about everything they’ve had to sacrifice, when they don’t even seem to make any attempt to do their old hobbies with kids. If you want to hand your kids a juice box and fold laundry, that’s fine! Your life, your choices. But it’s off-putting when you whine about how jealous you are of the people going to Antractica. That’s the problem, not your choice to stay home.
Anonymous says
Maybe we have tried doing our old hobbies with kids and discovered that it is miserable and totally not worth it.
LittleBigLaw says
I’m assuming you’re the anonymous commentor from the main site who thinks “a lot of moms really enjoy being martyrs, and changed their lives a lot when they had kids so they could whine about it.”
Anonymous says
Right.
Kart says
This characterization of women expressing wistfulness or dissatisfaction with their lives as “whining” comes off as really misogynistic to me.
Anonymous says
Honest question — do you actually have kids?
Anonymous says
Yes I have two kids.
Nah says
This was annoying and condescending when you posted it on the main s!te, and it’s annoying and condescending here. Taking my 3 year old and 1 year old to Antarctica would be a cluster-effed cheerio-encrusted nightmare of a time. Maybe there are some parents with a singular, docile child of a manageable age without toddler suicide behaviors. Good on them. But taking my kids sailing in Antartica would result in one or both of them plunging to their deaths after vaulting over a guardrail in pursuit of an escaped Paw Patrol stuffie. I love traveling, but my idea of a fun vacation does not involve constant fear. So yes: I choose to stay home, I am jealous of those who can go to Antarctica. And no: I am not a martyr, and I’m not whining. I’m being realistic. You should try it.
Anonymous says
I have no idea what you’re talking about. If it makes you feel better to think I’m a tr0ll or some weirdo without kids pretending to be a mom, knock yourself out. There’s a lot of room between taking an infant to Antarctica and never traveling anywhere once you have kids. But I don’t care if traveling with kids is not your thing. You do you. What irks me is people who sit at home with their kids doing nothing and then complain about the fact that they’re sitting at home doing nothing.
Measles says
I’m going to NYC in a few weeks with my 9 month old and starting to worry about measles. He has had all other relevant vaccines to date but not yet MMR (our ped does at 12 months – haven’t asked if they would do sooner). We are planning to spend all our time in Manhattan , so not hitting the heavily affected areas of Brooklyn. I’m worrying for nothing, right? Or should I call the doc and see if he can get MMR early? (Sorry if this has been discussed in depth before)
Anonymous says
I would call and see if they could do it earlier. We’re going to Manhattan next week with my 11 month old and they did her vaccine early. We also cancelled plans to spend time in Brooklyn.
anon says
i have a friend who is taking her son to nyc in July when he will be around 10 months, also not going to brooklyn and her ped wants them to get the MMR early. i’m sure that different peds have different opinions on this, but i would just call yours and ask
Anonymous says
You’re not worried for nothing but also you don’t need early MMR and won’t likely be able to talk a doctor into giving it to you. Loads of us live with our babies in NYC and most babies even here are not getting early MMR.
Measles says
Thanks for all the responses so far – I will give our pediatrician a call but expect they will say it’s not necessary.
NYCer says
Exactly this. I have a 2.5 month old and live in Manhattan and there has been no discussion of getting the MMR early.
I would absolutely avoid the portions of Brooklyn (Williamsburg and Borough Park) where the outbreak is centered.
Anonymous says
I just had dinner with a friend who works for the NYC health dept, and from what she said there have been some cases in other Brooklyn and Queens neighborhoods, but it is still pretty contained – none in Manhattan. You can find up to date info here: https://www1.nyc.gov/site/doh/health/health-topics/measles.page
AIMS says
Just had this talk with our NYC doctor. She said that they’re not recommending them right now outside of certain BK zip codes, but could change at anytime. I would ask your ped now and confirm before your trip. But you should be fine. I know it’s scary and can spread quickly but there are millions of people in NYC and only a couple of hundred cases, which are all currently slowing down.
Measles says
OP update – I talked to our pediatricians office and they don’t recommend the vaccine early given the scenario. Thanks for all the input!
Irish Midori says
I like loafers and menswear-inspired shoes, but ew I do not like bows on my feet. Hard pass on these. Lose the bow and maybe I’m in–navy flats have been hard to find.
ElisaR says
funny i’m a total sucker for my bows. bring ’em on!
lsw says
I love the bows too…but I basically love all loafers. I wish these pink ones had a light tan or white outsole. They would already be in my bag.
Watch for teen girl? says
My almost 13 year old niece has requested a watch for her birthday. I have no idea where to look for such a thing / what a watch a 13 yo will like will look like. She’s probably a fairly “young” 12/13 – she’s not really into trendy/teen things yet. I’d like stay under $50 maybe? Anyone have any suggestions? (Ideally something I can buy online – I have a 3 month old and just went back to work – don’t really have the bandwidth for a shopping expedition right now!)
lsw says
Depending on where they live, do they have a Swatch store where you could buy her a gift certificate and she could pick one out herself? Or maybe ask one of her parents what colors she tends to wear, and pick out one that goes with that (e.g. bold or pastels or black and white, etc)?
avocado says
I mostly see this age group wearing digital watches, activity trackers, or Apple Watches (gulp). Swatch is fun, though.
rosie says
I wore Roxy Quicksilver watches throughout my tween/teen years. No idea if that’s what kids would be into these days, though.
RR says
My 11 1/2 year old loves her Garmin VivoFit watch/fitness tracker. You can get different bands so she can accessorize with it.
Irish Midori says
+1 My younger (6 and 8) kids have Garmin vivofit jr. watches and love them. The next line up would probably be a big hit. They look just like the fitbits and other activity trackers all the grownups are wearing, but the jr version is around $50-70.
anon says
tips for staying in a hotel with a crawling baby? we’ve traveled with our twins before, but only to other people’s homes. we’ve never stayed in a hotel with them. unfortunately we will be sharing a room. how do you prep/wash bottles in a hotel?
Anonymous says
We washed bottles with liquid hand soap and water in the bathroom sink. If you have a full kitchen*tte in the hotel, you can also boil them. If your kids are old enough to be crawling, they’re getting plenty of exposure to germs from other sources and you don’t have to be as paranoid about exposure to slightly old milk. Not sure exactly what you mean by prep bottles – we used ready-to-feed formula when traveling and we warmed refrigerated bottles by sticking them in a bowl of hot water.
I think I’m an outlier but I wasn’t very comfortable with my kids crawling on the floor unless the room looked really immaculate. We did a lot of playing on the bed, although of course you have to supervise them more carefully there.
Pogo says
I initially wanted to be no-crawling, but it was just too much to contain our little guy. He wanted to be everywhere. I did put a blanket down, though.
I only dealt with bottles on the pumping side, but I’d wash with the soap in the bathroom sink and sterilize in the medela to-go bags in the microwave. The only place I had an issue was in fancier hotels with just the mini bar and no space for milk, but they told me I could move the mini bar stuff and they wouldn’t charge me.
Anonymous says
In the sink.
So Anon says
I traveled a fair amount with my kids when they were crawling. I would generally do a quick sweep of the room when we arrived and do a quick baby-proof of the hotel room (tuck cords away, move chairs to block outlets, etc.). I also brought a few outlet covers with me and put those in when we arrived. When it was bedtime, the ex and I would each take one kid into a queen sized bed and cosleep. We would let them fall asleep on us as we read or played with our phones or watched tv with the room dark.
rosie says
We traveled with an Oxo travel drying rack that we set up by the bathroom sink. It has a brush that folds up inside it. And then small bottle of dish soap. When we remembered we would also bring a large tupperware container as a wash basin to use to soak pieces (you can just pack stuff in it, so it doesn’t take up that much space).
anon says
I wash my reusable coffee cup all the time in hotel sinks…I use my body wash for soap but you can certainly bring your own dish soap.
FP says
On Amazon I bought a travel size Babyganics foam baby dish soap and a travel bottle rack with the foldable bottle brush. I know some people are more breezy about washing, etc., but I found that when I had the supplies I was less stressed about whether the bottles were appropriately clean.
Anonymous says
Side note – what to do with dirty diapers in a hotel room?
Anonymous says
Tie them up in a plastic bag and put them in the trash
Anonymous says
Are their poops solid yet? We would flush solid poops and then just put the diaper (folded up) in the trash.
anon says
Munchkin Arm & Hammer Diaper Bag Dispenser with Bags! Like $4 on amazon. Really great with stopping smells.
Anon says
+1
Anon says
I took a bottle brush and a small nalgene travel bottle of Dawn. Used that with hot water and air dried on a clean hand towel. If they’re crawling, I assume they’re probably eating some solids, and highly, highly recommend the summer infant tiny diner mat (which you can also wash in the sink) for eating out or in a room. For longer stays, we have totally mailed a box of diapers, wipes, etc. or done a quick target run on day 2 so we don’t have to take it with us. In one particular suite I had to get the foam bumpers for a wood coffee table with super sharp corners.
octagon says
If you have access to a microwave (either in room or in a common area), you can use those Medela microwave-sterilizing bags. The kitchen might be able to let you use one, if there’s not one otherwise accessible.
I also request a refrigerator when traveling.
EB0220 says
We washed the bottles in the sink and used the Medela microwave sterilization bottles in the room microwave. Brought travel-sized dish soap and a bottle brush. Set them out to dry on a hand towel.
IHeartBacon says
Does anyone use HomePay through carecom? Any negative experiences?
Anonymous says
I had a super positive experience with HomePay. It’s expensive but was incredibly easy to use and made my life so much simpler.
Anon says
We’ve been using HomePay for about 7 months now and I love it. While it is expensive, we’ve never had any issues and once it was set up, I find it very easy to use. My only gripe is that you have to approve time 3-4 days before the pay period actually closes (so I finalize our nanny’s timesheet on Tuesday morning for her to get paid that Friday), so if her hours end up changing at all from Tuesday-Friday, it can be a little bit of a hassle to make sure she gets paid correctly. We usually just give her cash for extra hours that come up, but it would be nice if I didn’t have to finalize everything SO early in the week.
Anonymous says
Huh, this was not my experience at all. We paid on our nanny every Friday, and I would get an email from HomePay asking me to approve her hours on Friday morning. I had until midnight Friday night (actually until 1 am Saturday because the deadline was midnight Central time and I’m in Eastern) to approve/modify, although I usually did it Friday afternoon so I could pay nanny the correct amount after work on Friday.
Anon from 12:05 says
Yes, with HomePay I have to approve on Tuesday by 12 Central to pay her that Friday. Maybe because we pay her through direct deposit, or because we pay her every 2 weeks?
Anonymous says
Ah gotcha, we didn’t do direct deposit so that probably explains the difference.
Anonymous says
That’s weird–you are paying her on Friday for time worked that day? With every job I’ve ever had, you submitted your timesheet on a Friday to cover time worked through that day, it was approved on Monday or Tuesday, and then you were paid on Friday, a week after the pay period ended.
Anonymous says
Nannies are different. You normally pay them weekly for the current week. It’s just one of the quirks of the job.
RR says
You approve on Tuesday for the PRIOR week. Or at least that’s how ours works. So, she gets paid a week behind, which is pretty typical of any job. I had a conversation with Homepay about the timing, so I’d question whether you are misunderstanding. We also do direct deposit.
IHeartBacon says
Thanks for the input everyone.
RR says
Yes, and I have had a good experience. They take care of everything but my workers compensation policy (they have an offshoot that will do that, but it isn’t allowed for my state).
double-bingo says
We are heading to Europe next week with our 2 year old (27 months) – any recommendations on CARES harness vs. car seat for the plane? We are definitely bringing our travel seat since we need it at our destination, but she hasn’t slept more than 45 minutes in a car seat since she was an infant, so I don’t think installing it in her plane seat will buy us more sleep. I suspect she will want to snuggle whenever possible. Any thoughts on those inflatable kid footrests? Are they allowed on American Airlines flights?
Anonymous says
I would do the CARES harness. We just flew to Europe with a 14 month old who dislikes her carseat and will only sleep in it for VERY short stretches. We did use it for takeoff and landing (for safety reasons) but otherwise she wanted to be out of the seat and playing with us or sitting up in her own seat watching TV or eating. We had main cabin extra so we were able to store the carseat beneath her seat (the space where your feet would go if an adult was sitting in the seat), but if we hadn’t been able to put the carseat down there, I think it would be have been a really unpleasant flight. Next time I’m pretty sure we’ll just gate check the seat and do the harness.
Anonymous says
We don’t do cares or car seats when we travel on planes. We do keep the seatbelt on although loosened whenever seated in case of unexpected turbulence. Maybe do Cares for the take off- landing which is the most dangerous part of a flight and let her snuggle with you at other times so everyone can try to get some sleep. IMHO not worth it to drag along an inflatable footrest thing. If she had her head on your lap, she can put her bottom half on her seat and still keep the regular belt on.
EB0220 says
OK this is super random but if anyone is in the Raleigh/Durham/CH area I have an extra ticket to an event with The Double Shift podcast tonight. Starts @ 6 pm in Durham. I can email it to you if you want it. I linked to the event, just email me if you’re interested. beth at parentlightly dot com
Anonanonanon says
Thoughts on when spouse who has been on the more negative/whiny spectrum of things tells you that YOU are the negative one. DH and I have been in a tense spot/not speaking much for a few days, and then when I opened up for conversation last night, got feedback that I am apparently this negative cloud. I felt gobsmacked and so hurt.
I’m sure there is some kernel of truth to this, but I think he was projecting. Really upset because I have been working really, really hard on being positive, focusing on things that make me happy and centered, and pivoting away from negative conversations generally.
Anonymous says
In my experience, this is very common. They don’t want to admit that they have an attitude problem, so they blame everything on you. Trying to turn yourself into a ray of sunshine will not help; it will only increase your resentment.
OP says
Thank you. It helps to get some validation that I’m not completely dense.
I definitely don’t want to overcompensate but any thoughts on what to do in these situations? I’m thinking of just keeping on, and when we have a freer moment alone this weekend, revisiting the conversation, asking him what he thinks we (both of us) could do better, etc. Thinking of asking him to think of a few things he’d like to see in advance and I’ll do the same. I think he really, really needs an outlet other than work/home and then the occasional evening at the pub with a book or buddy. We have the means – he just has to make it a priority.
Anon at 1:38 says
Are we married to the same guy? I don’t have a lot of helpful tips other than convincing him to attend individual counseling to have someone else give him a reality check (but decent counselors who can serve this function are surprisingly hard to find), and finding a way to get him interested in an activity so he thinks it was his own idea, not yours.
Anonymous says
We just keep on keeping on – per yesterday’s discussion, sometimes talking to death makes things worse. Maybe you guys are just in a funk and need some time to smooth things out.
Anon says
I’m curious about this too. I haven’t had spouse turn it onto me, but I feel that way about him. He doesn’t seem to have the basic patience required of daily parenting irritations (i.e. young children frequently screw up and have to be told things one million times and that is just life). Frankly I can take the kids’ complaining better than I can his complaining about their complaining. But as you hint, saying that to him is not likely to spur introspection on the issue. Don’t know what to do.
OP says
Solidarity. Yeah the last few years (even pre-kiddo) this has been particularly worst with DH. Complaining about work (and then looking back with rose-colored glasses once on to the next gig, and complaining about the new one), minor life inconveniences, not addressing things we have the means to work on/fix (e.g. DH always complains about being tired yet does nothing to improve his sleep, go to bed earlier, etc. Same for fitness/weight loss). This seems to be a trend in a lot of my friend’s husbands to some extent, but that seems over simplistic.
Last year was our first year with kiddo and it was particularly tough, and I’ve worked really hard on myself (or so I thought?). Again, I’m sure there are things I could still improve on but I’m nowhere near where he is…
Anonymous says
Is he depressed? This sounds like depression to me. Caveat: not a doctor or psychologist.
OP says
Sigh. Not a bad call out. He may be and has himself suggested this could be a factor, but isn’t taking steps to talk to his PCP or get a therapist.
When I was really struggling last year, I used Talksp*ce (figuring out logistics for an in-person therapist, while taking care of baby, getting back to work, and managing pumping seemed overwhelming for me at the time), and it was very helpful. He knew I was using it, and I will recommend it to him. Can’t hurt.
octagon says
Any recs for a lightweight travel carseat for taller kids? Kiddo has outgrown our Cosco Scenara Next at 43″ and I need a replacement for summer travel. He’s only 3 so I don’t want to go to a booster yet – still want a full carseat. Lightweight is important as we will be lugging it through multiple airports. I forgot how overwhelming all the options are!
Anonymous says
I don’t think this exists. At 43″ he’s more than ready to sit on the plane without a carseat/harness (the always-cautious AAP says 40″). Why not just gatecheck your real carseat to your destination?
octagon says
Oh yes, we will be gate checking to our destination. But I still need something lightweight to carry with us for rental cars when we get there! (having been burned once by a rental car carseat option, never again.)
Anonymous says
We use the Graco Tranzitions for our regular car seat and it works well for travel because it comes apart into two pieces and it can be used as a high back booster and backless booster later on. Will get you to about 124cm tall which for my tall kid was around age 6.5 before we swtiched it to booster mode. Have not tried to install on an airplane though. At age 3 I’d just use the airplane seat belt or maybe a Cares harness. When checking it, we take it apart, wrap a couple beach towels around it and put it in a hockey bag labelled ‘car seat’. I know some people prefer to check them in clear plastic bags because they think it will be more careful handling if baggage handlers can see it’s a car seat.
lsw says
This is such a stupid question, but how do I know if my kid is outgrowing his carseat? Is it a particular length-based criteria that differs for each? We want to keep my (tall) son rear-facing as long as possible.
Anonymous says
Read the owner’s manual. But in most seats, to ride rear-facing the top of your child’s head has to be at least 1 inch below the top of the carseat. My long torso-ed 20 month old just outgrew rear-facing in her carseat by this metric (even though she’s nowhere near the height/weight limits).
Anonymous says
Car seat manual will specify a height. If you don’t have your manual, check your car seat manufacturer’s website as the specifications are usually listed there. It’s specific to each seat and varies between seat models and brands.
Anonymous says
I don’t know if you’ll still see this response — check your owner’s manual for the seat or if you don’t have it check the manufacturer’s website or call them. Most seats will have a weight limit labeled clearly on them but not all will have a height limit. There’s no rule of thumb and this is seat specific. :)
-a child passenger safety tech
Jeffiner says
We have the Evenflo Maestro, it can be used with the 5-point harness for kids up to 50″. Its also lightweight and slim. We’ve flown a few times with it and have not had a problem fitting it in an aircraft. It won’t fit through the metal detectors at security, so they have to check it manually.
https://www.amazon.com/Evenflo-Maestro-Harness-Booster-Whitney/dp/B07DNZQYJ7/ref=sr_1_1_sspa?crid=X4D90GLLO0CZ&keywords=carseat%2Bbooster%2Bseat%2Bcombo&qid=1557863145&s=gateway&sprefix=carseat%2Bbooster%2Bseat%2Caps%2C211&sr=8-1-spons&th=1
shortperson says
ask the facebook group “carseat for the littles”. the admins on there are amazing experts. but dont tell them you’ll be gatechecking it…
Anonymous says
Graco tranzitions is what our 43” just turned 4 year old rides in — forward facing car seat with harness that will turn into a booster later. It’s pretty lightweight!!