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These crayons are a very cool idea for a party favor, gift, or stocking stuffer. Kids love things that are personalized with their names (heck, I still do) and obviously love coloring with crayons. I think these are particularly cool because they look tie-dyed and contain several colors within each letter. I like how they are well sized for little hands, and even the packaging is personalized. This Etsy seller, TheCrayonHouse, also sells single colored shape crayons for party favors, which I also think is a great idea for a less personalized party favor. The personalized name sets range from $9.97 for a 1- to 5-letter name up to $13.97 for 9–11 letters. Rainbow Name Crayons
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IVF starts tomorrow says
I start my IVF injections tomorrow. Hit me with your best advice, please! (for injections/self-injection specifically, but also IVF generally). Thank you! Excited and nervous.
Cb says
No advice on the IVF but I had to do daily injections whilst pregnant and for 6 weeks postpartum. It sucks but it does get easier, by the end, I wasn’t even phased by it. The best advice I’ve heard is to pretend you’re injecting an orange.
buffybot says
Make sure you let the alcohol from the wipes dry completely before injecting – I swear the alcohol make everything sting worse. If you’re taking cetrotide, it helps to ice the injection spot afterwards since it got kind of red and itchy. Sometimes you’ll pick a bleedy sort of spot and that’s OK! Bruises are kind of inevitable. The standard stims that come in the preloaded cartridges (Gonal F?) are like nothing at all! And then soon (per Cb), all of this will just be One More Thing that you do.
Also be clear on whether certain needles are for mixing versus injecting – sometimes they send you multiple sizes and you don’t have to inject yourself with the huge ones!
If you end up having to do PIO later in the game, I have thoughts there as well.
Anonymous says
Take your time. Get everything set up, get your instructional video going, watch it a couple times. It gets easier really fast! The actual sticking the needle in is very straightforward. Just go slowly and calmly, and if you’re really struggling call your nurse hotline. You’ve got this!
Jeffiner says
I had a calendar taped to my bathroom mirror to mark off each injection, and I would set out all the meds and needles for each night and go down the line. Most of the time they were fine, but occasionally I would bleed, so have a bandaid ready. I agree that in a few days the subcutaneous injections were no big deal. The intramuscular progesterone injections made my backside itchy for a couple of weeks after I stopped, though.
Anon says
Similar to what other’s said, I had a little routine around my injections, which made it easier to follow. Once I figured out which one hurt the least (Gonal-F for me), I used that one last so things got easier rather than harder. I found Menopur to be the most uncomfortable to inject. DH’s job was to grab an ice pack and have it waiting for me if any of the injections particularly stung. I think it was more psychological than anything. Originally I wasn’t into injecting into my stomach but found that was actually easier for some of them. If you do end up having to do PIO, I found icing the injection spot before and heat after to be a big help. I really hated the idea of IMs initially, but I got used to them pretty quickly and it wasn’t so bad. Agreed have band-aids ready.
In general for IVF-be prepared for the plan to keep changing. The number of days that I did injections and the number of drugs I needed to inject changed during the cycle as the plan was adjusted based on how I was responding. The whole thing felt like a lot of hurry up and wait. I was really constipated and bloated after the retrieval, which I wasn’t expecting. Definitely recommend having some simethecone and laxatives on hand for after. Mentally, I also tried to treat the whole thing more as a diagnostic/informative procedure and not get too focused on the end goal, just to try and protect myself emotionally. It really can go a lot of different ways and is a different process/experience for everyone. Stay off the internet boards that abound with babydust ridiculousness. There are quite a number of people here who have been through IVF (clearly!) who can offer sane and reasonable advice instead!
And have a lot of distracting things planned for the wait between transfer and testing. I figured it would be easier because the waiting period is shorter than post-medicated cycle or IUI but it was way, way more challenging.
Good luck with everything!
Cb says
I had my IUD insertion yesterday – definitely used my childbirth breathing techniques and was very uncomfortable last night but feel pretty good today and am relieved not to worry about birth control for 10 years.
Anonymous says
I had a natural birth and found IUD insertion more painful.
AwayEmily says
In theory I like the idea of an IUD but this is the kind of comment that makes me terrified of an IUD. I had an (very unintentional) unmedicated birth with my second kid and it was an awful experience. The idea of being prodded/hurt down there again makes me panicky.
Leatty says
I had a totally different experience. My IUD was inserted a couple of months post-partum (when everything was still super sensitive and dry), and it just felt like a period cramp. I did not have an unmedicated birth, but the pain I felt after my water broke far exceeded the slight cramping I had when my IUD was inserted. Totally worth it IMO.
Knope says
+1. I was really freaked out about getting an IUD but insertion was nearly painless for me – just very mild discomfort. That said, I got a Mirena – I hear Paraguard can be more uncomfortable. Also, I bled for like 5-6 weeks after. Still worth it to me though!
LC says
+1 to this. I have had three IUDs placed, one before having children and two after. The post-kid insertions were literally painless — I didn’t feel them at all.
Cb says
I had an unmedicated birth as well and for me, it was like 2x more painful than a pap smear, no where near the pain of labour. That being said, if they had offered me an ativan or a shot of vodka, I would have taken it.
Anonymous says
Yeah I had an epi and thoughts birth was plenty painful. No IUD for me. DH can get snipped – his turn for pain.
mascot says
I think the biggest difference is that IUD insertion pain is pretty short. Yes, it’s going to hurt for a few minutes and there may be some cramping afterwards. But, some motrin beforehand and for the 24 hours following was fine for that. My doctor also suggested against numbing my cervix with the rationale that the numbing shot would hurt too (think dental filling) and then I’d have to wait for it to hopefully take effect before insertion. So yeah, it wasn’t a fun filled 2-3 minutes, but it ended very quickly.
anon says
I thought the biggest difference was I didn’t get a baby out of it! I also thought it was terrible (6 weeks after my unmedicated but relatively quick labor), but the IUD was terribly convenient. Except that I realized that the only reason my skin looks OK is because of birth control…
Anonymous says
2 natural births here and I didn’t even notice when my IUD went in. I was 8 weeks PP, which I think helped. Also had the Kyleena which is a bit smaller than some of the other IUDs.
FTMinFL says
Two medicated births here and I didn’t even realize the insertion had happened at either postpartum insertion. I was 12 weeks postpartum both times.
Anonymous says
Why do they not offer local anesthesia for IUD insertion? Because women are just supposed to deal with pain? I really don’t get it.
Frozen Peach says
Correct.
Knope says
No, I think it’s because it would make the cost of getting an IUD really exorbitant. The pain is coming from in your uterus, so I think you’d need to get an epi or something like that, which would require an anesthesiologist and require you to stay in the hospital/doctor’s office for much more than the half hour it takes to do the insertion.
That said, it would be nice if doctors offered you stronger pain relief meds prior to the procedure.
Anonymous says
Because anesthesia comes with significant risks.
Anonymous says
Local anesthesia has no serious risks. No one is suggesting they put you under. I’ve had local anesthesia at the dentist, when I needed stitches on my thumb, when I had a colonoscopy…none of these things are inherently more serious or complicated than IUD insertion.
mascot says
I answered above, but I’ll elaborate. The local anesthesia option offered to me was basically a shot of lidocaine into my cervix. I’ve always thought those injections themselves were pretty painful and the cervix is a sensitive spot. If the numbing process was going to hurt as much as the insertion, I didn’t really see the point. Everyone can pick their own option though.
FTMinFL says
I had a Mirena inserted several years before I was ever pregnant and had a very closed and very stubborn cervix. After one try, my GYN wrote me a prescription for Valium and cytotec and told me to come back the next day having taken both. Easy peasy after that!
PregLawyer says
I got local anesthesia for my IUD insertion. It was just part of the whole process – just a couple of shots to numb up the area, insert the IUD, pop some ibuprofen, done. The shot hurt a little bit – as shots do – but other than that, I just had bad cramping for a day or two.
It was 10,000,000x easier than childbirth. Except for my second birth, when I had the most perfect epidural ever. Ahhhhhh
COtoNY says
Traveling solo with my 2 month old next week and I want to run my plan by you ladies!
I do not have an extra seat for her on the plane, so my plan is to check the stroller and car seat (ub Cruz and Mesa) before security and carry her on me to the gate and on the plane.
Should I be worried about the logistics of this, and/or about the integrity of the stroller/car seat? The ub brand travel bags come with a travel protection plan but are so expensive ($200 together)- I was going to try to avoid purchasing those and go with a middle-tier option (zohzo brand). But since I’m checking these at the ticket counter I’m worried they’re more at risk of damage than if I gate checked them.
I’m trying to avoid bringing the stroller/car seat all the way to the gate since I’m the only adult, but if you tell me I should I will!
Annie says
Wouldn’t it be easier to gate check the stroller and carseat? We’ve actually had better luck using no bag for the stroller at the gate — my theory is the bag handlers are a bit gentler when they see the actual stroller but it could just have been our luck.
Anonymous says
I highly recommend a bag for both the stroller and carseat — we’ve had each broken when we failed to put them in bags, which is a real pain when you’re traveling!
Anonymous says
+1. Use it in the airport and gate check it. Easier and gentler on the stuff.
Anon says
In my battle with United to get my gatechecked stroller they dropped and damaged replaced, the claims person found the fact that it was “protected in a bag” helpful – it was the red nylon one that’s super cheap and has no padding, but no amount of padding would have saved the 15ft drop onto concrete as I watched it happen while shouting “be careful that’s a stroller!” I eventually won my battle, but I assure you it was merely a PR and happy customer decision, legally their disclaimers are pretty clear (although I would contend it was gross negligence to ignore the bag ramp and try lifting a stroller from the baggage cart up over the side of the jet bridge over the railing single-handed, and I think I remember in a torts class once that standard disclaimers don’t apply to gross negligence, but I’m sure there’s a common carrier exception to everything and this is why I stick to my niche practice and don’t venture into this area).
FWIW, most airlines specifically disclaim ALL liability for gate-checked strollers, but actual checked strollers I think have the same coverage as your regular checked luggage (not that that is much).
Anonymous says
I think you will be alright. If you only have a backpack or diaper bag and not a wheeled carry on, you can also take the stroller to the gate, but it is a pain to get through security. I agree that wheeled luggage + stroller is unwieldy. Be prepared that you may need to extract your baby from her carrier when you go through security. I’m sure if you need a hand to unstrap things, someone from TSA or another passenger will help you out. Flying with tiny babies is actually not usually too terrible, because they often nurse and then sleep the whole flight — fingers crossed!
Pigpen's Mama says
I found it super useful to use a baby carrier when traveling with my child when she was under ~ 2 because it gave me two free hands when boarding and getting through the airport.
In theory, you can wear it through security, but I never argued about that.
Anon says
FWIW, I’ve never been asked to pull my LO out of the Lillebaby to go through the x-ray. We mostly fly out of Dulles, Phoenix, Kansas City, Chicago and Richmond though, so medium to large size airports if that makes a difference.
AIMS says
We did this with a 3 month old. Brought car seat and stroller base (mesa and cruz also). So this was very easy to do with just one person, and at least for me would be way easier than baby wearing. Checked suitcase. I don’t think you need the stroller top if you have the mesa. Def get at least a gate check bag for both. Look on CL/ebay for a UB cruz bag. The benefit of gate check is also that if there is an empty seat, you can use the car seat. We just asked at the gate and were able to be seated with an empty seat one-way.
COtoNY says
OK, sounds like I should keep baby in the carseat/stroller until the gate, and then hope for an empty seat next to me and babywear if not. Thanks guys!
Anonymous says
No, plan to gate Check the stroller and car seat if you didn’t buy another seat.
Pogo says
It’s always worth it to ask if there’s a free seat! I’ve had good luck with this.
I also had random strangers be very helpful going through security solo- that’s the only time baby + carseat + stroller frame + bags is unwieldy imo (because you can stow baby’s bag and maybe yours in the stroller, except when everything is on the conveyer being screened and you are holding kiddo). TSA was even helpful and chill about me being a total discombobulated mess. And the baggage handler will help you if you do have to gate check both (no extra seat available) – they will fold everything up and put it in the bag for you if you hand it to them.
I just prefer the security of knowing I will get my car seat and stroller back ASAP, that’s why I gate check. That and the fact it’s like a luggage trolley.
Anonymous says
Oh, also, be aware that you can’t baby-wear during takeoff/landing due to TSA regulations, so even if she’s asleep you’ll need to take her out of the carrier.
Anonymous says
I know technically this is true, but I’ve flown a lot wearing both of my kids and only once have I even been asked to take them out of the carrier and when I pointed out the baby was asleep, was given a pass. With a wink and a nod and an “if anyone asks, we never had this conversation.” I think it really depends on your flight crew.
Also, for getting through the airport, I’m team babywearing all the way. Even if you bring the carseat/stroller and gate check them.
Anonymous says
Interesting, we’ve been made to pull out the sleeping baby every single time, even when we explained that he or she had only just fallen asleep and was going to scream if we disrupted them (which did indeed happen).
SC says
Another vote for gate checking the car seat and stroller. My SIL and BIL recently checked their car seat and stroller before security, and the car seat did not arrive at their destination. Their plane was late and landed around midnight, and they had a hard time finding an airline employee to provide them with a substitute car seat. It eventually worked out, but it was a huge hassle late at night, with an infant.
I’ve always gate-checked my stroller and car seat, without bags, and we haven’t had a problem.
JTM says
I have the Zohzo car seat bag – it’s protected our car seat well over 10+ flights.
I would absolutely gate check the stroller – trust me, you will want it!
Walnut says
I’ve done both and really prefer dropping everything off before going through security. It’s sooo much easier to walk to your gate with just a backpack and baby in a carrier, especially if the airport is large.
I will say that I’ve had the absolute best assistance going through security from fellow passengers. I had a lady break down my double stroller in 30 seconds flat (including taking the wheels off). She was a pro!
COtoNY says
I guess I figured it would be difficult to get through security with the stroller (esp since I’m using the carseat with the stroller frame, not the normal stroller seat), but maybe the TSA agents will take pity on me and give me a hand?
AIMS says
It’s not hard at all. They are very helpful!
Anonymous says
Yes, it’s really not bad. The Cruz fits on the xray device if you take off the wheels (which is super easy to do, but practice ahead of time), or they can just swab it down.
I would gate check both, or see if there is a spot on the plane for the car seat– can you clip the Mesa into an extra seat if there is one? Would recommend a bag, though.
Anonymous says
Nah you just take the baby out and hold it and they’ll help with everything else!
Pogo says
I just posted above – that’s the only time it’s tricky, but people help you. And it somehow is physically possible to do it solo, I’ve done it. You grow extra arms or something.
Anonymous says
Even when I travel with my husband (so one holds baby and one deals with stuff), TSA has been super helpful with the stroller and carseat! And other passengers have been understanding and helpful.
Wow says
This is such a wonderful idea for a birthday gift, thoughtful and reasonably priced as well. Thanks Kat.
Anon says
This is really cute! April posted it, so she might be the one to get credit. But what a cool idea!
anon says
+1! I love this. Great pick!
ANP says
Agreed. I just ordered as a birthday gift.
Anonymous says
Any convertible car seat recs? And when do you abandon the bucket seat? My daughter is a big 8 months. I think she’s ~29 inches so still technically within the KeyFit 30 limits, but it does not look comfy for her at all. I will really miss the convenience of clicking the car seat into the stroller though, especially in airports!
Boston Legal Eagle says
We’ve got the Britax Boulevard ClickTight Convertible Car Seat – I think we moved our son at some point sub-age 1, maybe around 10-11 months. He’s pretty tall as well.
If you fly a lot, I’d recommend the Cosco Scenera as your back-up convertible car seat. So much easier to attach to the airplane seat!
HSAL says
We did it shortly after a year – I think she was still small enough to fit in, but it was heavy enough that it was easier to just carry her (and our bucket seat was one of the lightest on the market). We’ve gone both high and low-end for our two car seats. We have the Britax Advocate ClickTight in the main car and the Cosco Scenera Next in our second car. Both have been perfectly fine – the Britax seems more comfortable and has easier straps to deal with.
Anonymous says
Yes, strongly second the Scenera Next for traveling! It doesn’t snap into a stroller (though if you have a Mountain Buggy Nano it straps nicely onto that…) but is super light and fits in absolutely any airplane seat.
We actually use ours as our full-time seat with no problems, but I know the lack of frills worry some people.
Anonymous says
My daughter was on the smaller end, but I got rid of the bucket when I had a hard time with the heaviness of getting her in/out and carrying her in it so stopped really using it that way. She was probably 15-16 months. My husband used it for a few months longer than me.
Knope says
Get a Scenera Next for travel. For your permanent car seat, a lot of it depends on what kind of car you have and how often (if ever) you’ll need to take it out.
Anonymous says
Clek Fllo for regular use. It has one of the shorter pitches for rearfacing so it works in a wide variety of vehicles.
I’d get a separate Scenera for travel.
OP says
Thanks all. Definitely will get the Scenera for travel (we fly a TON – every month or two). I doubt the regular seats would need to come out very often, if we have a separate travel seat, and DH is a pro at installation so something that’s not super easy to install is probably ok for our regular seat.
Anonymous says
If your baby is tall,make sure to think about how long you want to rear-face. Ours is extremely tall and we hoped to have him rear facing till 3 or later,so we picked one with a high (40″) limit for rear facing. It’s a Chicco and was, for us, incredibly expensive. Still outgrew it before 3 but would’ve outgrown many other seats much earlier.
Anon says
40″ is not high, it’s actually quite low. Many seats go much higher. (A few examples: almost every Britax seat, the Graco Extend2Fit)
The only seat I know of with an under 40″ rear facing height limit is the Combi Corcooro
Anonymous says
I realize I’m an outlier with this opinion, but I hate our Britax Clicktight (Boulevard, I think). Despite reinstalling it a few times, we can’t easily loosen or tighten the straps. The “click” is nice in theory, but I never think it’s actually tight enough when it clicks and end up having to pull more. We switched to a Maxi Cosi Pria 85 and I like it much better.
J says
My husband has the Boulevard and I have the Advocate, and I totally agree about the Boulevard’s straps. The Advocate’s straps work very well for me in my car – easy to tighten/loosen. I much prefer it.
Pogo says
I have the NextFit Zip for daily use. We got one for each car. I admit I picked it because of the frills. Especially being able to zip off the cover and wash it. I also was so happy with the KeyFit, the NextFit seemed a logical choice.
anon. says
We got the convertible around 9 months (big kid). Graco Extend 2 Fit. We’ve been really happy with it.
Anon says
Switched to the Chicco NextFit zip air at around 10 months and 29 inches. Given she was around 23ish pounds at the time, the snap in feature was of no use because it was too darn heavy with her and the bucket. Not 3 days later she puked all over it while I was driving to visit my parents, and boy was I glad for the zip off (which we didn’t have for the KeyFit bucket, but being able to take it inside easily to take apart kind of mitigated the lack of zip).
We have a separate Scenera Next for travel (we curb check it but fly direct flights, so I don’t fuss too much about it getting lost). It’s super easy to install in rental cars, when my relatives pick me up at the airport, etc.
Anon says
I’m very happy with the NextFit Zip, but if I was starting with getting convertible car seats now, I’d look into ones that rear face until 50 pounds rather than 40 because of the safety benefits of extended rear facing. That said, my tall 4.5 year old is still rear facing, though will probably need to switch to forward facing in the next month or two as he is almost 40 pounds. Making it to 4.5 rear facing is pretty good.
JTM says
We have Graco Extend2Fit seats in each car for everyday use. We also have a cheaper Evenflo seat for travel.
DLC says
My kids were in bucket seats til almost 18 months.
We got car seats that can graduate to the booster with seatbelt function so that they can be used for a good long time. I got a Diono for my car because they are slim and you can fit three across comfortably. We got the Graco slim fit convertible for my husband.
I will say, the Diono takes up a lot of space rear facing so it is probably not the best for people who need the front seats to be scooted all the way back.
buffybot says
I did a solo flight with the baby when he was 4 months old and I found it helpful to have the stroller (with carseat) with me in the airport – that way I avoided having to carry all of our carryons in addition to the baby. It also made it easier to use the bathroom and just general navigate around the airport pre-boarding. Also, we got unexpectedly delayed, and I was very glad to have the stroller then.
The only challenge was going through security. In one place they were willing to hand check the stroller (I put the baby in his baby carrier on me and walked through). In one airport they asked me to fold the stroller and put it through the x-ray. But everyone was extremely helpful and kind and helped me wrangle all our stuff. I then gate checked the carseat and stroller base (and had the baby in his carrier for boarding/getting situated on the plane).
Anon says
I always wear baby through security (lillebaby) and they just xray the stroller. They usually pop the snack tray off to make it fit, but they’ve never asked me to do it. One-handed fold with sturdy handle on the Chicco Bravo for the win.
FVNC says
For NC/triangle-area folks — can you recommend a restaurant for an anniversary?
We’ll be visiting my parents next weekend, which overlaps with my and husband’s anniversary. I know the restaurant scene in Raleigh/CH has really been booming, and while I’m generally familiar with the area, I haven’t kept up with new “hot spots”. Herons was my first thought but we’ve been there a couple times and I’d like to try something different. This may be a better question for main s i t e but I like it here better :)
EB0220 says
Brewery Bhavana is a new one that has been getting a ton of buzz. I love Poole’s Diner but they don’t take reservations. I was just thinking about Second Empire or Crawford & Son for our anniversary dinner. Haven’t decided yet!
EB0220 says
Also I’ve been hearing good things about buku but haven’t been.
FVNC says
Thanks! We tried Poole’s years ago, pre-kids. It was a great meal but I haven’t been back because I cannot stand ridiculously long wait times…especially when there’s not a large bar area! I’ve not heard of Crawford & Son so maybe we’ll give that a try.
EB0220 says
Yeah, I think we went to Poole’s on a random Tuesday, and even then sent someone ahead to put our names on the list. I haven’t been to Crawford & Son but I hear good things.
Anonymous says
I only have Raleigh suggestions – and with young kids I am highly focused on places where you can get a reservation!
Bida Manda/ Brewery Bhavana (same owners, right next to each other) would be my top choice, but it is highly unlikely you would get a reservation at this point. Brewery Bhavana is newer and gets all the recent buzz, but if you cant get a reservation at Bida Manda I think it is just as good.
Death and Taxes is the Ashley Christensen (she is the Poole’s chef) restaurant that takes reservations. I find it is consistently amazing and uses local produce/ meat. I think D&T is actually better than Poole’s and you don’t have the crazy waiting/ no reservation thing. You can even make reservations online, but call if it appears that nothing is available online. As a local this is now my go to for anniversaries and attempts to impress out of town guests.
Second Empire is always a good consistent choice and likely to have reservations available in the Tavern even if you can’t get in upstairs (we actually always eat in the Tavern because I just like it better!)
I am sure there are even better restaurants in Durham – but with the kids I don’t get over there as much.
With Durham and Chapel Hill remember to check the football schedule. If there is a home game that weekend at Duke or Carolina you may want to avoid the respective downtown area.
FVNC says
Thanks for all these recommendations! Such a good reminder about football schedules. We were married in CH, and this became such a source of stress bc we had to book our venue before the ACC schedule was released and hotels wouldn’t allow us to reserve blocks of rooms…wow, I hadn’t thought about that in, well, 11 years!
soloparenting says
My husband took a job in another state a couple of weeks ago, coming back home only for the weekends. This situation will last for about 9 months. I have a 5.5 year old and a newborn. I am about to lose it!!! I have started to have physical anxiety, shaking and heart racing and whatnot. The sleep deprivation, breastfeeding, my very intense job (I work 8-5ish, although mostly from home, but also have to stay up working 9-12 and often feel in survival mode nevertheless), and my very spirited preschooler are just killing me.
I think the hardest part is constantly feeling like I don’t have enough hours in the day and managing my daughters tantrums (which have become a lot since dad left, she is very close to him – she had a 2 hour tantrum no exaggeration this morning about wanting to wear something inappropriate for the weather, I can expect tantrums ANYTIME something doesn’t go hear way, I have read a lot (e..g, janet landsbury podcast, etc) about how to manage them but I am still struggling. She is a great kiddo, very smart and kind, teacher says she is one of the best behaved kids at school, but when she gets in tantrum mode she feels like another child
What can I do to make this easier? I can barely hold it together at this point, especially when my kid is tantruming for 2 hours it is hard to parent the way I want to parent! I have had two big meltdowns myself this week and 1 not so proud moment of handling her tantrums, and constantly feel physically like utter shit with anxiety and a shitty parent to my preschooler for not being able to manage her tantrums. Not to mention that my angel chill baby is getting little attention because I am dealing with my preschooler, so I feel guilty about that too. We are throwing a ton of money at the problem – we have help getting preschooler to school one morning a week when I have to be at work early, someone who does our laundry/housekeeping, grandma stays with baby, I basically don’t cook during the week. I am starting to feel resentful towards my husband for taking this job (even though its unreasonable, the pay is really good and it is amazing for our family and will put us in a very good place in the long run) and my kid for making my life hard by having tantrums about silly things, although I know that it is not about her clothes/dinner/not getting a toy she wants but about missing daddy.
And how do I manage my preschoolers tantrums? I used to mediate a ton and do yoga before baby, which thank god helps me manage my emotions, but after 2 hours of hearing tantrums daily I am gonna snap too. At this point, I am even considering letting her get her way on everything just to avoid them…
Adding to the wound, my parents are in the same city but have been extremely unhelpful. They have watched my preschooler a total of 5 times since baby was born and have only watched baby once for two hours. They come over to “help” but instead expect to be fed and entertained, not even offering to even clean up. I have expressed my unhappiness about this recently and I am hoping things will change, but it is my kids and it wasn’t their decision to have them so I don’t know how much help I can expect. I feel resentful though.
I just want to be there for my daughter in this very hard time but cannot drop the ball at work either, so self-care went out the window, and I am feeling the consequences of it. And honestly feeling like I am sucking at everything.
Anonymous says
You get more help. I hope that was/is part of the plan when DH took this out of state gig because what you are saying you are doing (working FT, parenting 100% when not working with no help) is pretty tough when there is a spouse in the picture (of course, yes, single parents do it, but they have a village too!).
You need a before or after school sitter. On your parents– “They come over to “help” but instead expect to be fed and entertained, not even offering to even clean up. I have expressed my unhappiness about this recently and I am hoping things will change”. You either ask them for help or you don’t. Try it. Say “mom/dad: I’m having a h3ll of a week. Can you come over and take Preschooler out to dinner on Thursday? Thanks!” Maybe get them to do preschool pickup and have dinner at their place one night. I wouldn’t even try with the baby, especially since your preschooler is the most taxing. But you 100% have to ask, and 100% can’t be resentful if they say no. Just hire a sitter to do the same, because what you need is childcare help.
Once you have a sitter, leave the baby with the sitter and take preschooler out to a special dinner one night. Schedule a mom/daughter mani/pedi or playground coffee & donuts date for after school or a weekend. Plan mom/preschooler adventures. My 5 y/o loves it when we take the train into Boston (we live about 30 minutes out) and do Big Kid Stuff like ride the subway, eat at a restaurant, walk around the fancy public library, etc. You can do this when Dad is back in town and can watch the baby.
Anonymous says
I know you say you’re already throwing money at the problem, but I would add daily afternoon help. Can you have a high school student come over after school every day to take care of the preschooler and/or do chores?
I actually did this throughout highschool for my neighbor, she and her husband were both attorneys. I basically went over after I was done with school and prepped the kids dinner, fed them, did bath, and part of bedtime. I’d pack their stuff for daycare the next day. Mom was there and would chime in when necessary, but it allowed her to actually get things done that she needed to do. When the littlest was still an infant she was basically taking care of him and I was watching the older one.
Then I’d go home at bedtime, and instead of dealing with unpacking today’s daycare bag, packing tomorrow’s, draining the bath and putting away the toys, cleaning up from dinner, etc – I had done all that, so she could focus on work or actually relax.
K. says
I am so sorry. Everything about that sounds rough and that first year is rough as it is.
I don’t have a ton of advice, but I think being ok with focusing on the preschooler and not the newborn is fine. I’ve found that a preschooler takes way more work than a newborn–emotionally and just timewise. Also, is there a way to include your kids into self-care? Like, take a walk after work and have them join you?
Also, I wouldn’t feel bad about not having parents over right now if its more stressful. Reconnect with them when this stint is over.
I feel like that’s not very helpful advice, but I’m just sorry and I hope things get better.
mascot says
How old is the oldest? 5? At that age, 123Magic helped us a lot. I also like the idea of spot rewards for good behavior. When you catch them doing something good, they get a reward. That way it reinforces in the moment and gets you off the path of constantly feeling like you yelling at them. I also remind myself that I don’t have to attend every argument that I am invited to. It’s 50 degrees out and you want to wear shorts? Got for it- I’ll toss a coat in your bag in case you change your mind. Giving some of that autonomy back to them seems to help, even of the tantrum is triggered by bigger feelings. Also, if she’s being a rock star at school, she’s probably all out of self-regulation ability by the time she gets home. It’s not an excuse for behavior as much as it is an explanation to remind you that it’s not something you are doing wrong.
Anonymous says
This sounds incredibly hard, and I’m so sorry. I’m going to assume you and your husband have already considered all the potential options to have your family together in one location and decided the benefits outweigh the costs, but if you made that decision before you knew how hard it was going to be, I think it’s fair to reevaluate now.
Tantrum prevention: Is your daughter doing Facetime with your husband every day? I would definitely try to give her a solid 10 min just to video chat with dad, preferably alone. Maybe he could read her a story or something if she doesn’t want to chat. He needs a special “date” with her on the weekends when he’s home, too. And then figure out where you can give her a solid 10-20 minutes every day. My 5.5 year old goes ballistic when he doesn’t get enough 1 on 1 time with me and my husband. He is a different kid if we just stop and focus on him for a few minutes. Games work really well, because he feels special that his siblings are too young to play them. Checkers, card games (War, Go Fish, Old Maid), and memory matching games are all big hits. Or we’ll work on a puzzle together. Puzzles have the added benefit that they’re good solo activities. I know it feels like there’s not enough time in the day, but it really does save time in the long run by heading off the tantrums.
Sanity: It sounds like you really need a standing babysitter for Wednesday night (or whenever) who will take care of bedtime while you go to a yoga class, and then sit quietly in a coffee shop or something and have some peace. Since you work from home, can you squeeze in some meditation breaks, or quick walks outside during the day?
EB0220 says
OK – dumb question. Is there any way you can do this 9 months differently? Could you go to his city since you mostly WFH? I know you’d have to find daycare for the kids but it might be workable. I assume he will be back to your current city after the 9 months? 9 months is a long time so it has to be sustainable.
ElisaR says
Wow, you’re doing a lot. I’m impressed. It is really hard. My husband went to London when my newborn was 6 wks old and my older son was 20 months old for one week. His mother came to town for that week. It was fine, but it was temporary.
My only suggestion is to be REALLY clear with your parents about what you need. I had a similar situation and I got to the point where I would say “Mom, I’m really glad you’re here because I need help. Can you put those dishes in the sink? Can you figure out a dinner of some sort for us? Can you take my son for a walk?” She isn’t one of those people that just sees a need and fills it. But she wants to help, so I need to tell her how to do it.
AwayEmily says
I can’t even imagine how tough this must be. I solo parent a 2.5year old and 8 month old a couple of days a week and it’s SO exhausting. Doing it five days a week is REALLY HARD. And I empathize with the guilt over the baby not getting as much one-on-one attention.
Things that have worked for me:
1) Not getting at all invested in my toddler’s tantrums and seeing them as healthy and developmentally normal. This is very in line with the Lansbury approach you say you already do but it’s been an important mind-shift to me (and it took awhile)…when she starts melting down I say “you feel really upset by that. It’s okay to cry. I’m here if you need me.” And then I go about my business (dealing with the baby, putting away the dishes, etc). The important shift for me was realizing that I’m not walking away or saying these things as a strategy to end the tantrum. That I really legitimately do want her to cry until she feels better. And I think she picked up on that change, and it DID help her calm down faster.
2) agreed with getting someone to take care of the day-to-day tasks. Putting away dishes, making the kid’s lunch for the next day, making sure that the pumping parts go into the dishwasher, etc. If a high-schooler came by at 3 then they could do all this before you even get home (and maybe do some dinner prep too). That way once the kids are in bed you can just relax for a little bit before you start your work again.
GOOD LUCK! You are amazing.
Aly says
Wow, this is so tough! I soloparent 50% of the time. Yesterday apparently my kid was asking for dad the whole day at daycare. I was like, he’s not home for another week. You are stuck with me. So, all that to say, I empathize.
Hiring more help may be the best/only solution. It sucks that your parents won’t help more. You are drowning and need a life raft. Would they be more helpful if you told them that?
I’d be hiring someone else to meal prep and hang out with preschooler after school until bed time, if you can. Just having another adult around (or teen) may help the preschooler get attention. Or have someone else listen to her tantrum for a bit…
Also, how often does the older kid talk to Dad while he is gone? If he can facetime with her every day – even for five minutes – , that might help.
OP says
THANK YOU EVERYONE for your support and for all these suggestions. I am going to implement them (and talk to DH tonight about getting more help) because this is just not sustainable.
I feel so much better, a part of me felt weak that I just couldnt do it by myself, but I am realizing that for everyone’s sanity getting more help is the way to go.
SC says
I haven’t read all of the comments, but my parents did this when I was 6 (1st grade), except my dad was at home all week, and my mom was doing a fellowship in another city and came home on weekends when she wasn’t on call. Whenever that year is mentioned, we all widen our eyes, shake our heads, and say it was a hard year. They survived, I survived, but it was a hard year. If you haven’t already, maybe it would help to take a deep breath and accept that this is going to be a hard 9 months for everybody.
From a practical standpoint, lower expectations about dinner, house cleanliness, etc. Let go of any gender-based pressure to cook or clean. (Seriously, my dad managed to feed me 5 dinners a week for a year without EVER cooking a meal.) Pick up prepared foods at the grocery store deli. Don’t fold your kids’ clothes, just leave clean clothes in a different-color basket. Hire after-school help. (That year, I went to school, stayed in the after-school program, and was picked up and taken care of by a babysitter several times a week).
I don’t have specific advice on tantrums. But I remember having some major tantrums that year. I think a big hug and acknowledgement that I missed my mom and that Daddy missed her too would have helped.
Anonymous says
I always baby-wear through security (you can keep her in the carrier, they just might swab your hands) but also brought through the carseat and stroller. The seat will fit through the xray, but if the stroller doesn’t just ask them to hand check it.
It’s really nice to have a place to put things down and if you gate-check the seat it’s almost definitely going to make it to your destination and not get lost.
ANON says
The seat will not always fit through the x-ray. I actually got a carseat stuck in an x-ray machine at DFW-they had to have a tech come take the machine apart to get it out. Fortunately our flight was delayed and we were able to get it before our flight left. The TSA agents also informed me that different airports use different vendors so the x-ray machines are not a standard size across the country. So, just let TSA know you have a carseat and they will let you know if you need to put it through the machine or not.
Anonymous says
Oh, good to know! We’ve put infant bucket seats and Scenera Nexts through the xrays at at least a dozen different US and international airports with no problem, so I just assumed it was universal. Thanks for the heads up!
Anonymous says
I’ve also put the bucket seat and Scenera through x-rays in 30+ airports. It must be non-Scenera convertible seats that cause problems.
CHL says
Update on Decision 2019: Bean Bag Chair. Thanks to good advice from this group, we went with the Pillowfort brand “character” bean bag chairs for 4 and 6 year old. They seem thrilled, these meet a need in our current house casual seating scheme, and cost $50. If I get a couple years of helpful use out of them, totally worth it. Will report back on any long term performance issues:)
Anon says
Good call. We got the PB chair 4 years ago, and while I love them (and so do the kids), they’re SO BIG. I want to get them out of my living room but can’t do it when they’re so well-loved and cost so much, and they’re too big to put anywhere else.
TGIF says
Ladies, would like to vent. I’m tired. DH works late, so I typically solo parent most weekdays, which means DS goes down later than he should, which means he wakes up earlier (around 5-5:30 AM, and I let him CIO/roll around, but he doesn’t go back to sleep for more than a few minutes. I know he’s still tired because he dozes off while nursing when I go in around 6 AM to get him).
After DS goes down, I do all the clean up + packing for the next day (thankful for podcasts for making this pleasant), and then muster whatever strength I can to do a quick online workout because losing the baby weight has been incredibly hard for me and I miss wearing most of my wardrobe. After that, a shower, and maybe a smoothie down the hatch, it’s time for my last pumping session. I am so so so tired of pumping, especially this last session before bed, where I often fall asleep while pumping/watching TV. I also work FT and often go offsite for meetings, so the amount of times I’ve pumped in my car, hunted down security guards for finding the key to the mother’s room, hauling milk around, etc. is now wearing on me. I know it’s my choice, so I can’t complain, DS turns 1 soon, and I’m dropping this night session next week, but I am exhausted. My body is tired. I’m tired. DH is always grateful, and expresses it, but this morning I just hit my limit and didn’t get any empathy, so I am whining here.
Anonymous says
If you are looking for permission to drop a session or two, this internet stranger is giving it to you.
TGIF says
Thanks. Dropping the last session starting Monday :) I think being able to crawl into bed with a book vs. having to hook up to the machine one last time should help things.
Delta Dawn says
I just dropped my before-bed final pumping session a couple of weeks ago. It has had zero impact on my milk supply, my freezer stash, or anything else. And my attitude is 100% improved. You are right that it will help A LOT once you drop it. What if tonight you just… don’t pump? See what happens and try it out! You can bring it back the next night if you need to. One skip won’t be an irreversible change.
Anonymous 2 says
+1
A less stressed, less exhausted mama outweighs benefits of BM, esp at his age.
Anonymous says
Drop the evening pumping. Pump once a day at lunchtime (max) or don’t pump and just nurse on demand.
“I do all the clean up + packing for the next day” – why are you doing this? You just solo’d the kid all evening let your DH handle clean up/packing when he gets home.
TGIF says
So, DH is in charge of the clean up if he’s home at a reasonable hour. But he’s been on certain deadlines, getting him home at 10-11 PM, so it’s easier for me to clean up. Good idea on dropping to one pumping session a day at work. Right now I am beginning to feel like I just work between/until pumping sessions (and usually once I sit down to pump).
AIMS says
Why wait till Monday? Drop it now. You don’t say what age your kid is but I started to just add regular milk around 11 months to my daughter’s diet. Canada says its okay and they seem like a hardy country. It was fine! Agree that your husband should help with clean up more. Or wake ups. Or both. Also – to each their own – but I found bringing baby to sleep in our bed around 5 am was the easiest course of action. I could get a bit more sleep, nurse in bed, and a lot of the time baby would doze of for an extra 40 min to an hour.
Anonymous says
+1
Canadian here. We also don’t pump when we go back to work after the one year parental leave. Nursing morning and night is enough and sippy cup with cow’s milk in the daytime. Like my office is 40% female and I know zero people who pumped after maternity leave.
TGIF says
Thank you. Our typically super chill Ped said to drew a hard line to wait until 1 year until cow’s milk; DS will be 1 year in about a month. Good idea — will put the early AM wakings on DH to go comfort – this will also give him some “time” with DS as he typically misses him in the evenings. If DS would snuggle with us, I would love it so! Instead he either wants to nurse more (which I do, and we doze off together), or he thinks it’s playtime and decides to headbutt us.
anon says
I didn’t ask my ped, but did switch to cow’s milk before the magical first birthday with DD. (DS1 was on formula beforehand, and DS2 did not deign to drink from a bottle so it didn’t matter.) Also, it was 2%, because I was not buying different milk for one out of 5 people. You do you, but it’ll probably all be fine.
TGIF says
Oh, and was planning to shorten the PM session over the weekend and then drop it all together Monday, but AIMS (and others), I’m tempted to replace my night pump with an extra glass of wine tonight…
Also, I should say I visit Canada often and love it – reading these details adds to that feeling.
Spirograph says
I’m on team wine. Echoing others, if this isn’t making you happy, don’t do it! By the time my kids were close to a year old, I was not pumping at all anymore. I’d nurse them in the morning and before bed, but to the extent they needed bottles during the day, they got freezer stash or formula. Pumping just gets so, so old, with all the logistics of doing it during work, not to mention the endless cycle of washing the parts. You have another internet stranger’s permission to cut back as much as you want.
Anon says
+1 I stopped pumping at 10 months, with nursing 2-3 times morning and night (water during the day) and then at 11 months we introduced cow’s milk, dropped nursing to 2x a day with cow’s milk or water in a sippy during the day and have been trying (unsuccessfully) to wean since. At 14 months now with just a morning wake-up session 90% of the time (sometimes when her teeth are really bothering her, we nurse after dinner too) and cow’s milk and water throughout the day.
Anonymous says
In the US, they’re much stricter about a hard line for 1 year for cow’s milk.
That said, I don’t really understand why so many people seem to consider cows milk an attractive alternative for older infants, but not formula. Formula doesn’t have the nutritious aspects of breastmilk, that’s true, but it’s completely fine and in no way worse than cow milk or other liquids or solids an older infant eats. I know a lot of people who say “My baby is EBF, I can’t give any formula!” but once your child has solids, they’re by definition no longer EBF. EBF means they literally have nothing but breastmilk, not that they have zero formula. I breastfed mornings & nights until the age of 2, so I’m certainly not advocating stopping completely unless you want to, but there’s literally no reason BF-ing has to be exclusive or anything close to it at this age.
TGIF says
Couldn’t agree more! I don’t know why formula gets the side-eye sometimes. DS gets formula occasionally as well. After I drop this PM pumping session, he’ll go to daycare with a mix of BM and Formula.
AIMS says
No side eye! But my understanding is that formula is not recommended after one year so when I wanted to cut down on breast milk at around 11 months, the last thing I wanted to do was figure out which formula to get, etc., when I would need to them transition from that very shortly. So just buying plain old whole milk seemed a more attractive option. For my kid at least it was less about calories and nutrition as she was eating solids well at that point and more about her “bottle” habit.
Anonymous says
Drop a pumping now. +1 to a less stressed, happier mom outweighs the benefits of BM
ElisaR says
i feel like I could have written this exact same vent a few months ago. Now I’m done pumping but I still do the rest of everything and it’s a lot. I wish I could muster energy to shower at night but I can’t even find energy to wash my face (hello facewipes, thank you for existing). so I have no advice but just wanted to say I FEEL YA!
TGIF says
The struggle is so real. As my own super-mom told me, “No one gives you a medal for being a great mom and wife.” Sending love!
Anonymous says
Prompted by the airport and carseat threads above, anyone have two toddlers and thus travel with two Scenera Nexts? We currently stack ours on a luggage cart, but I’m always trying to see if there’s a way to improve this system.
Anonymous says
I have (in my less wise days) travelled with two bigger seats. I wore the younger one (15 mos) and stacked the car seats on the stroller, made the toddler (young 3) walk. If DH was there, toddler went up in his shoulders for a bit.
If you have 2.5 y/o twins, this may not be advisable unless you and DH each carry one ;).
anon says
We travelled with two Radians. DH would put them in a giant duffel (his hockey gear bag), since they fold. We always checked them, usually curbside. Together they weigh something like 45 lbs, so I could not manage that on my own. More recently I travelled by myself with three booster seats in that bag (two high back and one low back, so we were able to disassemble them and squeeze them in). Those are lighter, so I could sling them on my shoulder (the luggage cart had all our other stuff, and the kids had to push that).
Anonymous says
How old is the older toddler? We switched to just using the airplane lap belt at 2 years old (admittedly, I have a big child). This is obviously less safe than a carseat, but doesn’t strike me as less safe than holding a child on your lap, and statistically airplanes are much, much safer than cars.
CCLA says
Anyone have experience with induction using cytotec and/or foley balloon? I had pitocin with last kiddo b/c my water broke and contractions weren’t going, and despite hearing lots of negatives about pit, it was totally fine. But this time we’re scheduling an induction for next week and doc said they will probably need to use both cyto and foley before moving on to pit, but that since this is our second v-delivery, things should move quickly with that bit of assistance. I’m super pro epidural and loved that I got to basically sleep through most of labor last time. Wondering if I need to prepare myself for pain from that cyto/foley process (or maybe I can even get the epi during those initial stages if possible? I’ll ask them…). Thanks for any insight experiences!
anon in brooklyn says
I had the cytotec/foley balloon. The foley balloon was definitely painful going in—feels like a really extreme cervical check. A lot of pressure more than anything else. But I was not at all dilated, so if you’re at least a little bit, it might be easier. And it only lasts a couple minutes. After a few hours of that combo, I started having contractions and dilating on my own, and never needed pitocin at all. I got the epidural then.
Anonymous says
I’m surprised they’d do both. My medical practice does one or the other. My doc does Foley balloon but I was emergency-induced due to lack of fetal movement and the on call doc did cytotec, which worked really well for me. My cervix was like Fort Knox and cytotec alone got me to 3 cm with regular contractions, then they did pitocin. Placement was very painful, but baby’s head was crazy low and my cervix was extremely posterior, so they basically had to reach up and around her head. It felt and looked like they were in there up to their elbow. But it didn’t last long and then everything else was fine and basically painless! (I got an epi at 5 cm after about an hour of pitocin when contractions still felt like mild period cramps). I asked for the epi in advance of insertion, but they wouldn’t do it. They actually laughed at me, but I wasn’t joking! I wanted to skip the pain entirely (and almost did).
BPS says
I got the epi pre-foley and felt nothing with the balloon. (Cytotec did not get the job done). Advocate for this…laying around with no contractions, hulu, and an epidural was actually kind of nice.
CCLA says
Yes! This is what my last labor was like and I’d love to just spend 12 hours sleeping or relaxing. Will definitely ask about advance epi, though I’m glad to hear from ladies above that it was mostly short-lived discomfort.
Anon4this says
I’m 8 weeks pregnant with our first kiddo and my husband has an opportunity to go for his dream job, which would be very important to his career long term. Problem is dream job would take him out of state, 2 hours away by plane. Dream job would likely start sometime in the next month and be temporary (3-6 months), but might transition to something like 18 month – 2 years in total. Dream job would be about a 80% pay cut, so it would be important for me to work to help support us if it lasted 2 years.
Is it crazy of us to consider this? It seems fine to me. I could miscarry for starters. But assuming I don’t, I’m ok being pregnant and working while he’s doing dream job. If it were temporary, it would be over before the baby arrived and he would go back to his old job (they would keep his place). If it got converted to permanent I would work until my due date, have baby in home state (he might miss the birth but maybe not), and then move to be with him as soon as baby could travel (when is that – 2 weeks, 6 weeks)? Then I could live with him for maternity leave (5 months standard) and I think my current job would be open to a combo of me taking a longer leave (maybe 9 months, which we can finance from current savings, it helps new location would be a substantially LCOL ) and then coming back initially to work as a remote employee until we all moved back to home state.
So, am I crazy? What don’t I know or am I not thinking of. I know he would do this for me if the roles were reversed, so I’d like to make it work. But I don’t want to be overly naive either.
Anonymous says
I went through my first pregnancy largely living apart from my husband. It wasn’t awesome, but it was totally do-able. Assuming you are okay with the idea of an 80% pay cut and an out-of-state move, then I would say the logistics, while not ideal, are not crazy. I would also see if he can negotiate up front a remote working situation for the month or so around when you are due. Would he have any paternity leave? If not, and he’s out of state, that could be really challenging for a few weeks. (It could be manageable, but it could not, depending on your recovery physically and mentally.) My husband had next to no paternity leave, but he flew back every weekend and my mom was there and I really leaned on her.
Anon4this says
Thanks, glad to know it is doable. I don’t expect it to be easy. No paternity leave and no remote work option. No siblings. My mom is dead and my dad is in poor health, so as much as he might want to help he can’t. MIL and FIL are divorced. FIL is not helpful. MIL might come stay with me, which I’d be ok with. No concerns about the out of state move and the pay cut is temporary. We have saved aggressively, so while it wouldn’t be good for our savings but we can certainly manage it. For a the weeks immediately following birth I’d be ok hiring a night nurse or having a post-partum doula, which is something my father might offer to help pay for since he does really want to be helpful.
Anonymous says
In this case, I say 3-6 months is a no-brainer, but you two should take a hard look at what happens if it gets extended and/or he should negotiate up front to work remotely for a period so he can be with you when you go into labor and are newly post partum. Now I’m curious about what amazing job could be worth it though!
Anon4this says
A senior state government position that is appointed that require all your connections to be in the right place at the right time. Its the kind of state position that leads to very senior federal positions down the road.
Anonymous says
Ah, I thought it was something like this, but I was sort of hoping it was like, a back up position on a professional sports team ;) good luck to you!