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Given our stay-at-home lives, puzzles have soared in popularity. As an Asian American mom, I’ve always sought out toys that reflect my family and other diverse families — our families are too often overlooked by many toy manufacturers.
The founders of Puzzle Huddle faced the same dilemma and did something about it. According to their website, “Puzzle Huddle was created by Matthew and Marnel, a young couple with three young children. The family believes that all children should be reflected in a variety of products. As a result, they decided to create puzzles that affirm and inspire diverse children.”
Their puzzles come in four different sizes to suit little kids of all ages. They center on the dreams of Black children — future doctors, vets, engineers, chemists, entrepreneurs, ballerinas, and other aspirations.
I really love the chef puzzle — the two children cooking together remind me of my little gourmands.
Puzzle Huddle’s puzzles are $11.95–$19.95 depending on the size.
Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Spring Mid-Season Sale: Up to 50% off 100s of styles
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
AnonForThis says
My husband shouted at me and my one year old son this morning. Before, He has never so much as raised his voice at me. I got so scared, I locked my son and me in the bedroom until he left. but I don’t know if there is real danger or if I overreacted.
What do I do now?
CPA Lady says
We’re one year into a pandemic and 1 year old is the literal worst, most stressful age, followed closely by 2 (IMO). I lost my &#(& so many times at those ages.
I don’t think shouting = you’re in danger, unless he’s literally threatening you. I think it means he’s at the end of his rope, he lost his temper, and that came out as shouting. I am not normally a crier and I have had at least four sobbing meltdowns and a few times of completely overreacting and getting disproportionately angry at my husband since covid started. We are all under tremendous stress right now and we have basically no outlet.
I think you calmly talk about what happened once your kid is in bed tonight but before it’s late at night. I have a saying “nothing good comes of a conversation after 9 pm.” You’re just too tired to be your best self. Make the conversation solution oriented and collaborative.
Ask him what he needs so that doesn’t happen again. Tell him you were afraid. Let him apologize. BTW, some people shout and it doesn’t “mean” anything. My husband and I are not shouters, but there have been a handful of times in our 18 year relationship where we’ve shouted at each other. It meant we were so overwhelmed in the moment that we just lost our marbles. We have an overall good and healthy relationship and love each other very much. But we’re human. My answer would be different if this were a pattern.
AnonATL says
Agree with all of this. Unless he threatened you, he probably just lost his cool. It’s not ok, and you should talk about it once you’ve had time to both calm down.
I used to be more on the shouting end of the spectrum when husband and I would fight. I never threatened to hurt him, myself, or to leave him, but I would raise my voice when I got frustrated about having the same fight for the millionth time. I’ve worked really hard to fight better, because I know it’s not helpful and I don’t want my son to witness that.
Is counseling an option if it was related to an ongoing issue like division of labor, etc?
Spirograph says
Exactly this. Without more context, this does sound like an overreaction to me. My husband and I have each shouted at the other (or worse, at the kids) occasionally when we’ve gone past the end of our ropes. It never lasts more than a sentence or two, and then we stomp off and apologize and reconvene a few minutes later when we’re calm. Shouting is just the pressure valve blowing, I don’t see it as a precursor to physical violence in my household at all. If the kids hear the yelling, we make sure they also hear the apology and know there’s a calmer conversation happening to resolve whatever the issue was.
OP, No one deserves to be bellowed at, and this isn’t behavior your husband should be OK with make a habit of. But I also can’t imagine fearing my husband would harm me based on yelling alone, which makes me think something else may be at play here that isn’t coming out in your synopsis. I hope you and your son are safe.
Anonymous says
Unless there is more to the story, you weren’t in danger and the reaction of locking yourself in the bedroom does seem over the top to me. However, I’ve learned from this s1te that there’s a real range in how people view yelling. I’m from a loud “ethnic” (i.e, non-WASP) family and yelling is just something people do sometimes when they get mad (or even when they’re not mad – my mom would always scream “dinner’s ready!” loud enough that everyone in the house could hear, which is apparently not normal?). Because of my upbringing, yelling is not that big a deal to me. I do make an effort to try to keep my cool with my kids but have certainly shouted something like “stop it!” at them in frustration on occasion.
I think what you do next is talk to him when you’re both calm and tell him that this was upsetting to you and go from there. If he thinks you’re overreacting and yelling isn’t a big deal, then this might be something where couples counseling could be useful to discuss your different perspectives in front of a neutral third party. Because this really is something where your attitude about it depends a lot on your culture and family of origin.
Anon says
+1, I agree with all of this.
anne-on says
This. My family is the loud yell-y one and while it is NOT something I try to emulate I’m mostly inured to it. Also working in both tech and finance in my early career really made me immune to loud yell-y types.
I totally agree that you need to talk with him about it, tell him it is NOT something you’re comfortable with and that it really made you afraid.
“I” statements might be helpful here. As in ‘honey, I understand if you are stressed/angry/short tempered these days. When you yell, like you did this morning, I feel scared and afraid. Lets talk about better ways to communicate and help us both manage our stress.’
Anon says
For OP since this is out of the ordinary, definitely worth a conversation. I’m very WASP and also grew up in a family of yellers – it means nothing and is in fact a normal tone of voice, probably because it was a house full of mostly women who all talk at the same time and volume is necessary to even be heard. DH’s family are definitely NOT yellers (more of the silent, simmering resentment type), and it is something we’re both working on – me to yell less and him not to overreact when I do yell and also for him to actually express his emotions. I’ll yell at my kids in frustration (usually STOP IT when I’ve asked them to stop for the 18th time, usually involving pulling and tugging on me) and then my child helpfully yells back “NO YELLING” but will actually finally stop.
AnonATL says
This is our relationship too. Not while we are actively fighting, but we jokingly call my husband a turtle when he can tell I’m peeved about something. He retreats to within himself whereas I want to talk about it.
Anonymous says
A household where no one ever raises their voice is not normal. It usually indicates an environment where tensions are simmering under the surface.
So Anon says
It sounds like this has been a very tough morning, and I am so sorry for that. I know that I bring my own history to this response, and here are my thoughts: It sounds like this was out of his character and that can be scary. Do you feel like you are in danger? You are in the best and only position to identify whether there is more at play here. Please check out the website the hotline . org , which can assist you in identifying whether there is abuse present. Locking yourself in the closet sounds like a big response, maybe even a trauma response, whether that is in response to your current relationship or something in your past. Do you have a trusted friend or therapist that you can reach out to on short notice to help you sort through your thoughts and feelings? If you need space from your husband for a night, tell him that. His response will be very telling: If he understands and gives you space, then cool. If he refuses and insists on being in your shared space, then that will also be telling. My ultimate advice is: trust yourself.
Anon says
My husband was emotionally abusive to me (not the kids) when the kids were babies and toddlers. Whatever you do – do NOT let this get into a pattern. Deal with this incident clearly and firmly, and do not let this slide into a habit. It’s almost too east to let things go and they tend to escalate. We are spending a lot of time dealing with the hurt this almost 7 years later. I spent my kids’ earliest years in misery, and I carry a lot of resentment towards my husband. We are dealing with it, and I don’t want to get into all the reasons I have stayed, but it stopped when I put my foot down. (I don’t blame myself, but I ignored a lot of inappropriate behavior.) It’s been a lot of therapy for everybody, but in hindsight if I had dealt with the behavior at the outset appropriately we probably could have gotten to therapy and healing sooner. I let it slide, and it wasn’t ok.
Anonymous says
Not all shouting is emotional abuse. I say this as someone who has endured emotional abuse. Sometimes it’s just shouting.
Anon says
I didn’t say that it was. I think regular episodes of shouting is emotional abuse. That’s why I cautioned OP not to let this become a habit.
Anonymous says
This seems like a big reaction to his shouting, but I find men really yelling to be quiet frightening. Can you give more details?
Anonymous says
My husband can be really scary when he yells- because he basically never does it.
I remove the kids and tell him to cool off (or I physically put myself between him and the kids and get him out of the room).
My kids really pushed him over the edge the other day. We are all stressed. He cooled off and came back to talk to them and apologize.
Anon says
My husband also rarely yells (his emotional range is much smaller than mine on a day-to-day basis) . When he does, we all get freaked out, which he points out is unfair because no one gets upset when I yell (which is not all the time but certainly more often than him). Part of it is reacting to something that is out of normal. But I am 100% confident he would never hurt any of us when he’s yelling (or otherwise), which is where you need to be to feel comfortable.
I agree with everyone that you should talk about it but, if the content and action wasn’t scary (beyond loud), I would give him some space to have his feeling and give him time to find healthy ways to express them, especially right now.
anon says
Yep, same here. If DH yells, it’s because something has gone waaaayyy too far. It doesn’t happen often, and it’s always followed with an apology.
Anon says
Just a vent that I know others here will relate to. My childless sister-in-law has sent a toy that has lights, songs and loud noises for every gift-giving occasion since my preschooler was born. I cannot wait until she has kids and I can return the “favor”…!
Anonymous says
Yeah but as that auntie, I know you know it’s his favorite toy.
Parents want little kids to have wholesome neutral wood toys. Aunties see the truth.
Anonymous says
It’s not about wholesomeness. It’s about loudness. You know those annoying birthday cards that play music when you open them? Imagine if one of those randomly went off next to your ear 1,976 times per day.
Anon says
OP here and yeah, it’s not about wholesomeness at all. We’re a pro-screen time, pro-bright colors, pro-plastic toys house. Our house is not a neutral wood only house. But the light up sing-along toys are just annoying AF. And they’re not her favorites. She likes them, but she likes lots of way less annoying things too.
Anon says
OMG, what an obnoxious thing to say! So glad you know what’s best for my kid, mega eyeroll.
Anonymous says
Omg y’all have zero chill today.
Anonymous says
Found your sister-in-law, OP!
Anonymous says
There is a LOT of space between neutral, wood toys and the ones with lights and sounds, particularly if you’re talking about preschoolers. I have never purchased anything in “neutral wood” as far as I can recall but still think the toys that play music or make loud noises are incredibly annoying. Art supplies, puzzles, board games, dress up costumes, pretend food, books, dolls, stuffed animals, Legos, Magnatiles, etc. are all hugely popular with the preschool set and aren’t anywhere near as annoying for the parents.
Anon says
Lol my kid was scared of those kinds of toys. I had to take the batteries out or cover the speaker with masking tape to make the volume lower. Why are they SO loud?
Anon says
Those items always seem to run out of batteries REALLY quickly in our house, almost as if someone is replacing the batteries with dead batteries overnight. Sometimes the batteries even randomly disappear altogether. It’s weird!
When I was a kid, my mom cut up birthday cards to save the best part of the front and make bookmarks for us. I do that still, and it’s a great excuse to get rid of the singing part immediately.
Spirograph says
yes, it’s uncanny how quickly the batteries used to die or get lost in my house, too. Especially if they weren’t integral to the toy’s function (Little People Barn doesn’t really need to moo every time you open the gate!).
One of my kids’ favorite toys has been an awful howling B. Toys dog guitar that my brother gave us a few years ago. *sigh* When it was newer, I let them take to show and tell at school and “forgot” to bring it back home for months. Now I just require it to be used only upstairs or in the basement and I hide on the main floor.
Anonymous says
Sorry not sorry I’m sick of parents complaining about presents. It’s rude and ungrateful. It’s not like she gifted your kid alcohol or a bag of drugs. My kids like colorful flashy toys along with wooden ones. If you really hate it so much just donate it.
Anon says
Oh please. I’m not complaining TO HER. I said thank you and was perfectly gracious. I’m venting anonymously to a group of moms because I know a lot of them can probably relate. If you don’t relate, ignore it.
Anonymous says
‘Just donate it’ does not work in families were the giver regularly requests photos of children playing with the gifts they gave.
Anonymous says
Or once your kid is past the age of about 2 and asks what the relative sent them.
Pogo says
My problem, as others have mentioned, is when my in-laws specifically asks what my kids need, then don’t buy that and instead go off registry to buy something obnoxious. So now my kid doesn’t have the ski socks I asked for, but we have a floor piano which he has zero interest in, but that makes noise whenever he runs across it and will probably trip and kill me in the dark.
AwayEmily says
My MIL constantly gives my kids these toys (which I don’t mind that much, actually, the kids love them and I have gotten pretty good at hiding them when I can’t deal). But the kicker is that then when she comes over she shakes her head sorrowfully and says “My kids got along just fine without all these fancy electronic toys”
Lady, you GAVE THESE TOYS to them! It should probably make me annoyed but it’s such a quintessential MIL move that I mostly find it funny.
Anon says
Lol, wow that is next level.
Anon. says
Hahahaha, that is hilarious.
Cb says
Haha, that is incredible!
Anonymous says
I feel this so hard. My mom gifts all the electric whizz bang toys and even actual electronics (3 iPads for Christmas), but then is constantly liking and sharing FB memes about how baby boomers grew up playing with sticks in the woods and why can’t childhood be like that anymore. Argh…
Boston Legal Eagle says
I get extremely annoyed when people (usually boomers) talk about how much better the past and childhood was. I can name a lot that was wrong with the 60s and 80s! And yes, screens are everywhere now, so we should learn to adapt to them instead of pretending that we can go back to some “idyllic” childhood. End rant.
Anonymous says
Not quite the same but my MIL complains constantly about gender-stereotyping in kids toys (and I agree!) but then she gives my daughter exclusively things that are marketed to girls (e.g., dolls, beauty stuff, everything pink etc). And my DD does not even have a preference for this stuff, so the gift selection is definitely driven by MIL.
Anonymous says
My aunt sent me an email asking what my daughter wanted for her birthday and specifically asking if she had any interest in dinosaurs. I replied ‘not really into dinos, but she loves animals and trucks.’ We got a giant set of plastic dinos. I’m obviously grateful she thought to send my kid a present at all, but like…why ask if you’re just going to ignore the advice? Just send the dinos without asking!
Clementine says
Our solution is to just explain to the kids that ‘Batteries are REALLY expensive’ and once the batteries run out, there won’t be more until your Christmas stocking/Easter basket. Also I send those toys to Grandma’s and/or ‘rotate them out’.
Serious solidarity though – ours is one of the grandparents who LOVES giving loud things.
(Note: this is what my parents did when we were growing up… I thought it was an economic thing because cash was tight, but it was just as much ‘we didn’t want loud mechanical things 24/7’)
Anonymous says
Our kid knows that we have rechargeable batteries!
Clementine says
“Sorry, those don’t work in this toy”
Anonymous says
https://www.nytimes.com/2021/02/09/parenting/toddler/10-annoying-kids-toys.html
“A barn? A keyboard? A phone? What are you?”
Anon says
Ah, the Sit-to-Stand Learning Walker. My kids are years past this and I can still think of the songs: “Welcome to my Learning Farm…”
TheElms says
I feel seen! My child loves this (less now as she approaches 2 than she used to) but I will probably be able to sing all the songs until the day I die.
We have several music making toys. I don’t love them because they are loud and make annoying sounds in addition to playing music, but I do love that they allow kiddo to select her own songs. (She knows which button to push or combination of buttons to push to get a particular song.) She gets a real kick out of saying “ABC” and then pushing the corresponding buttons to get the Alphabet song. I can’t think of another way to replicate that experience for her at this age. She doesn’t have enough words to ask Alexa to play a song.
Violette says
“… we have lots to show you!” And now the song is going through my head.
Boston Legal Eagle says
This is funny, thanks for sharing. We have like half of the toys on the list. My kids love that walker, even my almost 5 year old still pushes it around. We had another toy that we swear was possessed, because it would go off when we just walked near it.
Anon says
I snuck ours to the basement while my 3.5YO was visiting Grammy earlier this year!
Anon Lawyer says
I probably shouldn’t admit this but I kind of liked the songs on the Fisher Price kick piano.
Anon says
My mom and my aunt did something similar to each other. My mother sent her kids a drum set; she sent us gladiator fighting costumes (with inflatable swords); I think my mom sent her sets of inflatable boxing gloves for her 4 kids the next. And don’t get me started on the beep beep buggy from discovery toys that makes a gazillion sounds that someone got my youngest sister back in the 90s that I hated then and my mother now keeps (and it still works in all its noisiness) for my child!
Anon says
My in-laws have done the same – we have the Melissa and Doug piano, a fairly large singing plastic snowman, and a minnie mouse car with the most annoying voice (IT’S TIME TO GO SHOPPING!!) all that live …. In the basement … Behind a big box.
Anon says
I’m not sure what I’m looking for – commiseration? A kick in the butt? But I’m mid-thirties and my body honestly hurts. My back hurts, my shoulders hurt, my neck hurts. I’m assuming it’s from lack of normal movement and being trapped on hours long video calls every day, but is this the rest of my life? Is this just getting old? Similarly, I’m also struggling with the aesthetics of my body in addition to the function. Bearing three kids has left its mark and exercise and diet tweaks don’t seem to make the radical changes it did ten years ago. Likely I need to figure out what outcome I want, but if anyone has been in the same place and moved past it, I’d love to hear!
Anonymous says
I know you are looking for attitude solutions rather than exercise, but … yoga! It does wonders for the aches and pains and the mental state as well.
anon. says
Focusing on the pain/function issues rather than the aesthetic ones – I second yoga and small changes help. Google “Desk Yoga” or “Standing Yoga” – you can find 5-10 minute ones. I sometimes do them multiple times a day. Started during the pandemic and honestly my body at 41 feels better than it did pre-pandemic and it’s improved my posture. I hate to be that person but really – try the 5 minute ones.
Boston Legal Eagle says
For general back and neck pain from sitting all day – could you get an adjustable standing desk? That helps a lot with changing your position throughout the day. Can you also take breaks during the day to walk around, do stretches, etc.? I’ve found that to be one of the few benefits of Covid – the ability to walk on my treadmill at lunch and to also stretch periodically.
As for your body, part of it is accepting that it may never look the same as pre-kids and that’s ok. If you’re looking to make weight changes, I’ve found that a combination of tracking my food, strength training and cardio helped a lot. But I will likely never again have a flat stomach or slim hips, and that’s more of an acceptance of all that my body has done.
Anonymous says
I will just say that I have chronic back pain and hoped a standing desk would help, and it just exacerbated it. So see if you can try it out first. I will say that while standing hurts my lower back more, I do like that I can adjust the desk to the right height for ergonomics while sitting.
EB0220 says
Yes I remember being in that place around 35. (I’m turning 40 in a few months.) I feel great now. Here’s what I’ve learned over the last few years: Having babies and toddlers is really hard on the body. So is a desk job. I have to be much more attentive to my body’s aches and pains. In non-COVID times I would get a massage every 3-4 weeks. This really improves both my physical and mental well being. I also have to be pretty religious about stretching and yoga. I try to do a short 5 minute yoga routine every day just to loosen up and stretch. I also use the foam roller frequently on my IT band and other areas that get tense. I also got a standing desk, good ergonomic desk chair and I try to do walking meetings once or twice a day.
Anonymous says
I think this is just getting older/working a desk job. Same thing happened to me around 35 and that was pre-pandemic. Massages help (I go biweekly now and think of them as medical treatment, whereas before 35 they were a luxury spa treatment I only did on vacation) as well as yoga, sleep and wearing supportive shoes even inside the house.
Anonymous says
I wish I knew the answer on exercise and diet tweaks :( I recently cut out basically all candy and sweets which, previously, I ate copious amounts of every day, and lost…4 pounds after like 6 weeks. I think they say as you get older you need more strength training because you lose muscle mass, so I’ve been trying to incorporate “tougher” workouts rather than just my usual running and yoga. But, as I said, have not really seen big success yet with that either. I think I just need to eat less in general?
Getting old: it’s not for sissies!
Anonymous says
Peloton app and ten minutes of stretching a day has been life changing for my aches and pains
GCA says
Oof, yes, all of this. I turned 36 last year and couldn’t tell if it was pandemic, or having toddlers, or aging, or aging while having toddlers during a pandemic. I’m focusing on the pain and function, which have a much greater impact on my quality of life than aesthetics (let’s face it – I spend most of my day on long video calls and I’m not really going anywhere else people can see me; as long as my pants continue to fit, I’m pretty ok). Pilates, regular walking/ running, and some mild strength training have all helped.
Anon says
So I recently started Mommastrong and it worked wonders for this. Also, yoga is great for general constant pain IME.
RDC says
YES was coming to recommend MommaStrong. Life changing.
Pogo says
Right there with you. I think the pandemic really exacerbates it for me because I don’t have the same # hours of childcare and thus working out is one of the first things to go when my day is too packed. Things that have helped: even just a 20min yoga video, specifically one aimed at postpartum core function; prioritizing a run over work if it all possible, and viewing it as self care/mental health/physical health and thus non-negotiable like a doctor’s appt would be; in the non-covid times, massages every month.
But yeah, I feel you. Getting old is awful. DH and I commiserate about it pretty much every day, especially at night when we’re putting on our creams and heating packs and stuff, haha. so romantic!
Anon says
I bought an expensive sit to stand desk and an Aeron chair. It helps some, but I think I honestly just need to lose 10 lbs.
Mary Moo Cow says
I was in the same headspace a few years ago. I took up barbell lifting on DH’s recommendation and it was a game changer. The physical changes of more strength, more energy, and weight loss were relatively quick and dramatic. It’s slowed down in the past year, but I’m up to deadlifting 200 pounds and that feels pretty darn cool. We do 8 week workout cycles so it feels fresh and we’re not overworking one muscle group for two long. Check out Starting Strength and Barbell Medicine if you’re interested. Also, yoga! I can tell I haven’t gone to a yoga class in a year.
The New Mrs says
I posted a couple of weeks ago about changing my name a few years after marriage. I didn’t change my name when I got married, but now that my daughter has my husband’s name, I want us to all have the same name. I’m a lawyer and because I’m doing this after marriage, I will have to practice under my new name. (If I had changed my name as part of a marriage but been admitted to the bar under my maiden name, I would still be able to use my maiden name. But because it’s not a “marriage” name change, I can’t.) So this will be a bigger deal than I thought. I still want to do it but am looking for a pep talk that people my think it’s weird but F them and they’ll get over it pretty quickly. FWIW, I think I my signature block will use the RBG style of First Maiden Last.
Anonymous says
I doubt people will think this is that weird, but if they do “F them and they’ll get over it” is absolutely right. I went back to my maiden name as a married person (no divorce involved) and THAT is weird. But people got over and F the judgy people.
anon says
I would love to hear how you did this. I have considered it from time to time.
The New Mrs says
I would love to hear why you did this if you’d be willing to share!
Anonymous says
I got married pretty young for a highly-educated woman (24) and just took my husband’s name without thinking about it. My husband’s name is incredibly generic, like Jones. At first I was excited to have a name no one would butcher when they pronounced it, but over time I started really missing my original last name which is very specific to my family’s heritage and which people from that country would always comment on whenever I met them. I used both names professionally for a while, but through the course of job changes and people stumbling over pronouncing two last names (especially one difficult one) I just became known to everyone as Mrs. HusbandsLast with my original name totally gone. I had visions of being like RBG but in real life if you’re not a Supreme Court Justice you don’t get referred to by three names on the regular and it just sort of vanished. The few people who did include my original last name always hyphenated it with my husband’s, which for some reason I absolutely hated (personal pet peeve, no judgment on anyone who hyphenates). Over this time, all my friends started getting married and keeping their names, and one of them even gave her kids her name. Then my husband and I had a child and I was surprised by how little I felt our shared last name mattered. I started thinking about changing it back and what motivated me to do it quickly was that I wanted to do it before my kid was old enough to remember since I didn’t want her to feel like it was any kind of rejection of her. My husband was 100% supportive. I wouldn’t have done it if he weren’t. My in-laws and even my own parents definitely thought I was completely crazy though.
The New Mrs says
Thank you for sharing!
Clementine says
If it’s good enough for RBG!!
Also, I am Jane Maiden-Married legally. For a long time I went by Jane Maiden… but a paperwork SNAFU when I switched departments has me now as Jane Maiden-Married professionally. Once our kid was in school, I just started using Jane Married socially (because honestly – like you, what I wanted changed!). I still have the legal hyphen and most people professionally refer to me as Jane Maiden, but it’s worked out just fine. The only people who ever commented wished me congratulations on getting married and I just laughed and said, ‘Oh! Thanks! It’s old news but just getting around to changing my business email and such.’
Nobody has EVERY given me pushback other than to joke something about, ‘Well, I know how much you love extra paperwork!’ It’s seriously NBD. I did have one weird person say that he thinks women who don’t change their names when they get married are less committed and FUNNILY, a male colleague just looked at him and said, “What a weird thing to say.” So. That was one outlier and it was handled by somebody other than me.
Anon says
I am a lawyer and had been practicing a few years when I got married. I finally decided on my new name about 6 months after our marriage (First Middle Maiden-as-new-middle Last) and while my updated bar admission has all 4 names, at my firm I go by First Maiden Last with an address of first.last at firm. I think it took a couple of weeks but was not that big of a deal – I went to the SS office to start, once I had that back I could get my new driver’s license, and that plus certified copies of the marriage license was enough to get it changed pretty much everywhere else. One bar just required those; another bar required I think a notarized affidavit. You may want to request multiple certified copies of your marriage license, because some bars need originals. Once the bar updated my admission, the firm updated my bio, address, signature, etc. The only funny part was that some people started screening my work calls because my caller ID at work was showing up as First Initial NewLast and they didn’t know who that was!
The New Mrs says
This is exactly my plan: First Middle Maiden-as-new-middle Last. Thank you!
JM says
I did this exact thing. First Middle Maiden-as-new-middle Last. Depending on the state you live in, you may need to file a “name change petition” with the court to change your middle name. The only confusing thing is I had two original middle names so now I have three middle names, so I feel a bit like the Queen of England with many middle names.
Anon says
I changed my name while I was in law school, 8 years into marriage. It confused people a little at first – several casual acquaintances tried to congratulate me, then remembered I had already been married and trailed off uncomfortably. But I didn’t get the impression anyone thought it was outright weird or objectionable. And I was surprised at how quickly I (and everyone else in my life) got used to the new name. I think 90% of the professional married women I know use the First Maiden Last signature, and it seems to work great. You’ve got this!
Anon says
I delayed changing my last name after marriage by about a year. I had been in practice for about 6 years at that point under my maiden name. No one thought it was odd, but there was (and still is two years later) some confusion from new/prior clients. And the two judges that I practice in front of on a regular basis still occasionally have to pause and think about my last name before they say it or refer to me by my maiden name. I don’t correct them as it really doesn’t bother me, and we usually have a chuckle over it on the record if they realize they have been doing it repeatedly during a long proceeding. I didn’t make a big deal about announcing the change or anything like that and most people picked up on it eventually.
The New Mrs says
This is all so nice, thank you! I was hoping to send the paperwork in on our anniversary but a combination of a severe lack of sleep and aforementioned feeling nervy about it meant it didn’t happen. I’m going to do it this weekend! Again, really, thank you. I shudder to think of the judgy s*storm this would have caused on the main page that I am 100% not into.
Pogo says
Another thought – I’m not in law, but a coworker recently got married and changed her name. She has her email signature as Jane (Maiden) Newname. So people aren’t like, who the heck is Jane Newname (I admit I thought that at first when she emailed me after the change!). I think given that both names will be there no one will be too weirded out.
Honestly, f people who can’t get past it. Life happens. I even had a VP get tripped up and refer to a colleague by her previous married name (she’s divorced) and I just quickly said – You mean Linda Lastname? and he quickly realized his mistake and was like Yes of course and we all moved on.
Curious says
Paging Patty Mayonnaise — congrats on your early pregnancy and fingers crossed for you :) I gave a late partial answer to your question about diclegis on the thread last night. Hope it helps!
Patty Mayonnaise says
Thank you!
anon for this says
Thanks to everyone who offered suggestions earlier this week about parenting an extremely gifted kid — they were really helpful. Does anyone have experience with the Nysmith school or the Hopkins CTY program, and can you share your thoughts?
Anonymous says
I went to MIT so I know a ton of people who did CTY. They all seemed to have really positive experiences. For a kindergartner I think you would want to start more local though. Many colleges and universities have summer programs (like day camps) or after school programs for gifted kids as young as K.
Anonymous says
Local university programs are usually just revenue sources and will not be of the same quality as CTY. We spent thousands of dollars on one where most of the courses were nothing special and one was taught by a wacko professor who treated third-graders like college students. I found out later from a friend who had previously worked for the program that there had been numerous complaints from parents about this particular instructor as well as the overall quality of the program. I have heard similar stories about other local programs.
Anonymous says
As a counterpoint, the gifted programs at my local university have a great reputation and while I have no personal experience with them as a parent, I have been involved with them tangentially through work and was impressed and I know a lot of people who have sent their kids and been pleased. This is a state school and not a super elite one like UC-Berkeley, but still a very reputable Research 1 university so I can understand that you might not get the same quality everywhere. I’m sure our local programs are not CTY quality, because of the difference in price if nothing else, but it seems like a very appealing option for little kids who are too young or not ready for sleepaway camp.
Anonymous says
I am a CTY alumna and my daughter has taken CTY courses on line. Back in the day, the in-person courses were amazing, both academically and socially. My daughter’s experience with CTY on line has been mixed. The writing course she took was very solid. The “instructor-led” science course was exactly the same as the self-paced option but with the addition of deadlines. There was no live instruction or required instructor interaction. I watched some of the canned video lectures after my daughter complained about them and they were legitimately terrible–slides with generic graphics and a narrator droning on in a monotone. The auto-grader for the tests didn’t work right. The instructor was very nice and willing to help if asked but did not grade problem sets or lab reports in a timely manner and didn’t seem to understand how the course was set up.
AwayEmily says
I went to CTY, and then during college was a counselor there for a few years. I loved it! It was full of nerdy kids and super, super fun. I don’t think I’m gifted, though, just regular, so take my advice with a grain of salt.
Anonymous says
Same here. Best thing that happened to me in high school!
Anonymous says
Didn’t attend personally but a couple close friends did CTY and loved it.
Also, I don’t think languages got mentioned much in the discussion. If your kid is only learning English, I’d definitely throw in a couple extra languages. Under 6 is a prime age for language acquisition as they learn more by listening vs reading. If they start reading in one language only, it makes later language acquisition a bit harder. We’re doing English, French, German but you could do a non-Latin alphabet for extra challenge. My nephew is doing English/Russian and finds the Cyrillic letters cool. Outschool has lots of classes if you’re stuck somewhere locked down.
Anonymous says
How have you found these language classes? Even in non-pandemic times I don’t know of any language classes offered in my area and my 3 year old cannot sit still for a virtual class like Outschool (maybe it would work when she’s 4 or 5 but I’m not sure she has the personality for it). I don’t think my kid is gifted but I would love for her to get some experience in another language.
Anonymous says
Pre-pandemic we used non-English tv and dvds and played non-English music in the car to supplement a bilingual part-time nanny (English/German) and bilingual 1/2 day preschool (English/French) YouTube also has great kids sing along videos in non-English languages. The basics like ‘head, shoulders, knees and toes’ are super accessible for kids. Our local university modern languages department has been a good source for bilingual part-time childcare – the students like having a resume that includes working their language of study and we’ve made it work that the students are usually only available part-time hours. We did a German afterschool nanny for September 2019-February 2020 once the youngest kid started Kindergarten but with the lockdowns we’ve leaned on Outschool to supplement and get them talking more. Some of the Outschool classes for the 3-5 age actually work pretty well. Especially the singing/music based ones. Look for teachers with early childhood education backgrounds not elementary school teaching backgrounds.
Many bigger cities have bilingual schools available (including public schools) in a few different languages. We’re in a smaller city only have French as an option here so that’s what we went with. My sister is in a bigger city and has better luck with full-time Russian daycare (although via a Jewish community center so her kid is also learning all the Jewish holidays), and there is an elementary school that offers Russian dual language program as well.
Violette says
I did CTY for five years (late middle school + early high school) and LOVED it. It was the first place in my life where I truly felt like I found my peers – fellow nerds who also liked learning and could do so at a pace like my own. I can’t recommend CTY highly enough for gifted kids, once they reach sleep away camp age.
Anonymous says
I posted the other day about having really bad insomnia. I’ve been sleeping a bit better but I still want to take some time off work to focus on getting my sleep back on track (in fact, I think deciding to take the time off work may have been what enabled me to finally sleep, since it felt like a big weight off my chest). My doctor confirmed she will certify it is as an FMLA serious condition if necessary. Any suggestions for wording the email to my boss? I’m going to ask for 2 weeks off to start.
Anonymous says
I would go to HR first and ask what the procedure is for taking 2 weeks of medical leave.
Friday says
Genuine question: do you not have vacation or sick time that you could use first? If the first my boss heard about my insomnia was with a formal FMLA request, she would be royally pissed that I didn’t try to informally work something out with her first. If you don’t have any PTO you could take, I would start off with a phone call, explaining that you are having terrible insomnia, that your doctor agrees requires medical intervention, and ask if you could take 5 days off without pay (that’s assuming your boss can legally grant this to you). Two weeks seems excessive, and I suffer from insomnia. Happy to share my coping mechanisms if you’re interested. I hope you get some time off and start to sleep and feel better.
Anonymous says
Yes, I have plenty of sick leave I can use but my employer is really strict and makes you run FMLA concurrently for anything that will keep you out for more than a few days (I think 5 days is the most you can be out without running FMLA but not 100% sure, will have to clarify with HR). I’m going to approach my boss first before I make the formal leave request with HR. I understand he would be p1ssed about it if he heard via HR.
I went five days with a total of less than 10 hours of sleep and could barely stand up or see straight. I’ve had “toss and turn and stare at the ceiling until 3 am” insomnia for a long time and this was very different. I literally could not sleep even though my body was exhausted and I was constantly trying to sleep and it was terrifying. I seem to have broken the cycle for now but I want to take time off to see the specialists my doctor referred me too and make sure I have a regimen of medications and/or lifestyle changes that is working consistently.
I don’t feel like I owe my boss or HR any specifics about my condition, I was just going to say a chronic health issue like it says on the FMLA forms – am I way off base about that?
Anonymous says
No I think that’s exactly what you should do and I think the above advice is bad.
Anon says
I’ve never had to take extended time off but I call in sick periodically because of insomnia and anxiety (they are closely related for me). My boss knows I have an underlying health issue that requires regular time off on short notice, and that’s it. There’s a huge stigma about mental health issues and insomnia is very hard for people to separate from anxiety, depression and other mental health issues (even though I know sometimes it can have a physical cause) so I would not volunteer anything about insomnia. You have a health issue, you’re getting treatment, you will be out for X number of days, that’s all they need to know.
Anon says
Wow that sounds very extreme. I’m glad you are getting help. Don’t tell your boss it’s insomnia because your boss may assume he/she knows what you are going through (and think it doesn’t merit time off or make other judgements) but your insomnia sounds next level and you do not want to have to explain your pain and suffering to others unless they are truly ready to support you.
Anonymous says
Yeah, exactly. I feel like people expect you to power through insomnia and I can and have before, but this is so different than what I’ve experienced before or what most people experience that I don’t feel like just saying “I have insomnia” covers it. But I don’t want to go into excessive detail, nor do I think my boss wants to hear all that.
Anon says
why does OP even have to tell her boss it is because of insomnia. can’t she just say she is dealing with a health issue and needs to take time off
Anon says
I think it’s somewhat inappropriate to discuss the reason why with your boss – in my org it is verboten to ask about it. Just say you have a medical condition and there is no need to disclose that it’s because of insomnia. Maybe it’s different if you work in a small business but your boss will never be told why by the people processing your paperwork.
Anon says
Even the people processing your paperwork probably won’t really know. The paperwork is pretty vague, with the exception of a few things like pregnancy that are separate categories. Otherwise they just get the name of your doctor and the doctor’s statement which is usually really vague.
Anonymous says
At my large, Fortune 500 formal employer all I would say is “I have had a health issue come up that I need to take time off to manage, and will be filing for leave on X dates. Here is my coverage plan.” We use a third party to manage leaves so my boss would never know the underlying health issue unless I told him. It would definitely be more frowned on to take short notice pto particularly since it would potentially count as an attendance issue unless certified fmla. I’m in a management role, but it’s a super formal system.
Anonymous says
+1, I’ve taken STD after an assault and the doctor was like, I can be very general on the forms that go to your employer. Then the provider works directly w/ insurance (if using STD) and keeps it confidential. For FMLA I assume it would be similar.
Anon says
I am in management and beyond wishing you the a speedy recovery, I wouldn’t say or ask anything about your condition. Most employees do volunteer it though, but I discourage that because I think it sets the standard that you have to share (and you don’t).
Anon says
Resources for ADHD?
We’re adopting an 8 year old with ADHD. We’ve read the child’s file, but still, we won’t really know what we’re dealing with until we’ve had a chance to settle in as a family. His file says he’s done poorly on standardized tests normally used to assess intelligence, aptitude, etc, and doesn’t get great grades, but the notes also say that he presents as a standard kid and the test results/grades may be because he just can’t focus/sit still.
Anonymous says
No specific advice but I wanted to share a story that might help you feel optimistic about the future. When I did child protection legal work, we had a child that went from being admitted to the psychiatric ward at the children’s hospital for aggression issues when in his birth mom’s care to being on the elementary school honour roll when he was in foster care. Structure, routine, consistent parenting and support made a massive difference in his life.
Anon says
My younger sister has ADHD diagnoses when she was young. The things I saw that helped was frequent communication with teachers, an IEP, and when she was young, medication. She went off medication around 18 and has done fine without it. She took some medication for anxiety as an adult (which would probably still be a benefit, but she’s an adult), so I would encourage you to find a doctor you trust and can work closely with.
anon says
Yeah, don’t shy away from meds is the best advice I can give. Way too many parents don’t want to “put my kid on drugs” or think the kid won’t learn coping skills if medicated, etc. etc. When in reality, for a kid who needs meds, they are the bridge to a place where coping skill building is even possible. If I had a dollar for every parent I’ve heard lamenting the years they spent refusing to consider meds once they finally try them and see the difference, I’d be retired by now. I wouldn’t go straight to meds immediately, particularly as you guys are having the complication of a family settling in period, but meds should be considered as viable and helpful a tool as anything else.
anon says
YES, ALL OF THIS. Meds are not the devil. They were life-changing for our whole family, but especially our sweet DS. The meds ALLOW him to learn coping skills!
Anonymous says
Yes, medication is widely tried because it has a pretty high success rate. And the stimulant meds are very fast-acting and have a short half-life. So you know pretty quickly if they are going to work and they clear out of your system quickly as well (so 2 days later, you are back to the start point). That’s different than a lot of other medications that have longer ramp up/ramp off periods.
anon says
Try Additude and Impact ADHD for resources. Ryan Wexelblatt (see: YouTube videos) has info on parenting boys with ADHD, specifically. My DH relates more to that approach because there’s less psychobabble involved and he sort of tells it like it is.
My son was diagnosed with ADHD around that age. What you’ll need to keep in mind is that while there are some hallmark traits, every person’s struggle looks a little bit different. One of his friends struggles academically. My son’s struggles are more with socially appropriate behaviors and hyperactivity. You have to know what you’re dealing with. I do think counseling helps — it’s as much for you to learn parenting techniques as it is for your kid.
ADHD looms large at times, but there are a lot of really good traits that often go along with it, like creativity, energy, and the ability to think differently than most. Medication can be controversial, but IMO, it really shouldn’t be. AAP recommends it as a first-line treatment. It is one tool, and it doesn’t mean you’re taking the lazy way out as a parent. My son’s life is so much better since beginning medication.
anon says
Also, because I can’t help myself, anxiety and depression are comorbidities with ADHD, ESPECIALLY untreated ADHD. DS definitely has some of the anxiety traits; I have not noticed depression yet. Also, getting a 504 plan or IEP in place at school — depending on which he’s eligible for — is important. It is a process but not insurmountable.
Anon Lawyer says
I would imagine that in a kid whose suffered the trauma that led to being up for adoption at 8, trauma reactions would also interact with ADHD and it would be really important to address that as a piece.
Anonymous says
I would schedule a private evaluation ASAP so you know exactly what you’re dealing with and what, if any, services might be beneficial. Waiting lists for evaluations and services have never been longer. Don’t rely on the school.
CPA Lady says
I have had symptoms of ADHD my entire life and have gone this far without being treated and it’s honestly been horrible for my mental health (I’m hoping to begin treatment soon). The amount of anxiety it causes is awful. I second everyone saying to please get him treated.
The most helpful and hopeful thing I’ve seen while exploring this topic is a 14 minute long video on you tube called “This is how you treat ADHD based off science” by Dr. Russell Barkley. His PhD is in ADHD research. He goes through a brief explanation of what is going on in the brain and then lists a variety of treatments that help. He is pro medication.
Anonymous says
My 8 year old boy has ADHD. You’re right, you won’t know what you’re dealing with until he gets there. Don’t be afraid of meds, but see if they’re needed before jumping in. We’re managing without medication right now, but we and son’s teachers are keeping a close eye on his self esteem. It’s not so much about the meds helping him focus so he can academically succeed, but that we want him to be socially successful and have a positive view of himself and his abilities. If adults and peers are responding negatively to him because of how he behaves, that’s much worse than bad grades.
Dr. Russell Barkley has some youtube videos that I found really helpful as an overview of ADHD and how you need to parent differently for it. There are a couple that are an hour or so long, but you can do audio only and get everything you need from them. ADHD is fundamentally an executive function deficiency, not an attention deficiency or an inability to sit still. Basically, you need a different mindset and strategies to deal with an unmedicated ADHD kid. You have to put up guardrails, and coach and enable tactics to compensate for things that his brain skips over, and remember he’s not trying to be difficult. He has the best of intentions, but follow through is a challenge.
Another thing to be conscious of — and I hear about this a lot from my ADHD husband who still carries a lot of emotional baggage from how his ADHD was addressed as a child — is how you talk about it. You don’t want your son to think he’s defective or disordered or inherently limited, so be careful of the words you and others use and everyone’s emotional state when talking about it with teachers, doctors etc in his presence. ADHD brains can do cool stuff, it’s just that traditional classrooms and work environments weren’t designed for them. One book I read talks about how the parents and doctors presented ADHD to a kid as having a racecar brain with bicycle brakes. This gave it a bit of a positive spin, and the medication was then explained as putting strong enough brakes on so that the racecar could do all its awesome things more safely.
anon says
+1. Very well said.
Anon says
i live in Houston and while there are a number of families here who’ve been impacted in crazy ways over the past week, some of the stories are just ripping my heart to shreds. there is one family where the grandmother and 3 kids all died in a fire, while somehow the parents got out. how do you even move on in life after losing all of your kids in a fire, which is probably one of the most painful ways to go. i know bad things happen in the world every day, but my toddler woke up in the middle of the night crying because she was cold and freaked out because we didn’t have milk for her to drink. fortunately we can provide our kids with food and heat on a regular basis, but hearing that was heartbreaking. i donated to Kids Meals Houston this morning and sent items from an Amazon wishlist to another nonprofit. no real point to my post other than just venting some feelings.
also- i saw yesterday that on here that someone’s employer in Dallas ‘let them’ use vacation days for Monday and Tuesday when you didn’t have power…I don’t know what kind of company you work for, but someone should leak that to the media bc that is absurd.
Anon says
It is wonderful that you’re helping out and what is happening is horrible. I cannot imagine the pain of these families. I will make a donation too.
Pogo says
Thanks for mentioning this and recommendation on where to donate. The stories are heartbreaking, even my coworkers without children said how rough it was for them as adults. We lose power in the NE but we’re set up to handle snow, and I’ve never lost cell service – that would terrify me.
Anon says
I’m newly pregnant with #3 and recently relocated, so I’m trying to find a provider. I’ve found that Covid has made it really hard to “interview” OBs unless you become their patient – the catch 22 is that many OBs only take patients at the very beginning of their pregnancy. I have an appt at 10.5 weeks with one of these (highly sought-after) providers, but I’m also considering another option, who would see me at 8 weeks and schedule an ultrasound. I’m thinking of keeping both appointments for now and going to the 8 week appt and scan and then make a decision from there. Does that make sense? I feel like it should be easier to interview the person who will be caring for you as you grow a baby! And I guess I was very spoiled in my last 2 pregnancies, as I had known and trusted my OB for years. I would appreciate any thoughts!
Anon says
so i totally get your anxiety, especially moving during a pandemic, but my OB didn’t even deliver my baby. i alternated between seeing her, an NP and a high risk specialist bc i was pregnant with twins. I didn’t love my OB, but I loved her nurse (who was the one who responded to my mychart messages) and the practice was convenient, i was almost always taken in on time for my appointments and my high risk provider was conveniently located in the same building, which is also where i went for all my extra ultrasounds. if you go the the 8 week appt and like, but don’t love the provider, will you still want to keep the other appointment? will your insurance cover another appointment so soon after the first one? i felt like i got good care, though wasn’t like obsessed with my OB, but I don’t feel like I actually even spent that much time with her, even though I had so many extra appointments due to a twin pregnancy. I would see what the practice is like overall
OP says
So this is part of the picture – the first appt is with a midwife practice, which is best for more low-risk situations. The second is with an OB connected with high risk specialists, if that becomes an issue. The tricky part is, you wouldn’t be able to tell if for, example, you were having twins, until you have that initial ultrasound. I love the idea of the midwife practice, but don’t want to prematurely opt out of the OB/high risk option in the event that it’s necessary.
Anon says
with the midwife practice, would you still deliver at a hospital? also, sometimes a pregnancy starts out as low-risk, but can become higher risk later on in the pregnancy. i would ask the midwife practice how they handle those situations. do they have the expertise? if they don’t, do they have relationships with OBs who are willing to take on their patients, etc.
Anon says
You should be able to switch if you have a high risk pregnancy, I would imagine. They should at least be able to refer you somewhere because all sorts of conditions can pop up later in pregnancy.
Anon says
Not in covid times, but similar to you, I actually tried 3 different OBs after relocating. It should be OK to keep both appointments. My insurance didn’t have any issues with trying 3 doctors. There were particular things I didn’t feel comfortable with the first 2 doctors – one was personality, and one had a very huge, chaotic office and staff that was difficult to deal with.
Anon says
I think that’s a good plan. Go to the 8 week appointment regardless bc I would hate to wait until 10.5 weeks for my first appt. You might end up liking them and then cancelling at the other place.
Anonymous says
Is interviewing OBs really a thing? If you go and don’t like the person by all means switch, but I think odds are good you will like them. I knew my OB before I became pregnant because she was my GYN but she was the first GYN I ever visited after moving to my city and I just found her online, not through a personal referral.
OP says
It’s definitely a thing, though not everyone does it, and that’s fine too. My own personal preference is to try for an unmedicated/low intervention birth and I am looking for a provider that treats me like an adult woman who can make her own choices and that I can trust to recommend medical interventions only when they’re necessary. Of course things with pregnancy and birth often don’t go as planned, so having a team that you trust is critical. An example: I know that there are some OBs who will only catch a baby in lithotomy position — that would not be the right practice for me personally.